negativepositive ruins the ending to every movie

NEGATIVEPOSITIVE RUINS EVERY MOVIE

Since I've spent enough time pissing people off about religion, I figured it was time for me to ruin something that people actually cared about. Spoilers ahead? Nooooo! Don't be silly. Movie Ruination is below Ratings Key.

Updated Mar 10, 08

My Rating System:

CGI Overkill Excessive Use of Computer Rendered Effects to the Extent That You Feel Like You're Watching a Cartoon.	Dime a Dozen Cookie Cutter Movie.	Horribly Unnatural and Unrealistic Dialogue.
Bad Guys Can't Shoot Straight. 1000 Baddies shoot at the hero and never hit him once. Usually the hero bullseyes every shot.	Over-Hyped Dogshit Movie Makes a Zillion Dollars.	Dogshit Movie Casts Big Stars To Dupe Moviegoers Into Seeing It.
Drooler. Movie is Geared Towards Drooling Retards Who Laugh Like, "HUH! HUH HUH HUH!" And See It In DROVES.	Foreshadowing So Obvious, An Idiot Should See Where It's Headed.	Characters Are Invulnerable To Injury to an Absurd Extent. Getting Shot and Catching Railings After Falling Four Floors are All In a Day's Work.
Stupid People Will Find This Movie Impossible to Understand and Enjoy.	Big Media Conglomerate Decides To Cast It's Talentless Singer as a Talentless Actor.	Movie Completely Ignores Physical and Scientific Laws.
Plot Twist So Ridiculously Over-The-Top That It Almost Seems Contrived and Silly.	Excessive Commercial Product Placement. The movie is little more than a big, fat, greedy billboard for corporate consumer garbage.	Hero Wins Because Villains are STUPID.
Soundtrack Hyped So People See the Movie Just to Hear It. Often Soundtrack is BETTER and More Profitable Than Movie.	The Creative Well Has Run Dry! Let's Do a REMAKE!	The Creative Well Has Run Dry! Let's Do a SEQUEL!
Teen Crapola. Regardless of Rating, Movie Appeals Only to Trendy People Aged 11-16.... and Some Retarded Adults.	People Go To See Movie Just To See "HOT" Actor or Actress. Just Watch PORN, Dumbasses.	Movie May Actually Cause Vomiting or Gastrointestinal Bleeding.
Movie Has Subtitles. Illiterate Dipshits Beware!	Vehicle Movie. Movie Designed Only to Use Star's Fame as a Marketing Tool. I.E. Hanks, Willis, Schwarzeneggar, Roberts, Lopez.	Movie I Absolutely Refuse To See All The Way Through Even If I'm The Very Last Person On Earth Who Hasn't Seen It.
Unlimited Ammo They fire hundreds of thousands of bullets without ever reloading. Guns never jam.	Movie is painfully predictable.	Extraneous Love Story Distracting, annoying love plot is added for no reason and does absolutely nothing to advance the main plot.

My rating based on a Scale of Zero to Ten. Some Pretentious Ratings Nerds Think They're Cool Because They Don't Give 10's. Well, I Don't Give 3's. Look How Smarmy and Cool I Am!

2001: After flying through a trippy landscape, Dave sees himself as an old man, a fetus, and someone who's movie career apparently included no other good movies.
2010: Since he can't find any sharks to kill in space, Roy Scheider convinces Hal to help him escape just before all the monoliths consume Jupiter and turn it into a second sun, which is thought of as sign of goodwill and hope and not a sign of "ARRRRRGGGG, I'M BURRRRRRRRRNING!!!!! AAARRRRRR!!!!" Yeah- nothing like going outside when i't's 700 degrees to give me hope and raise my spirits.
25th Hour: Spike Lee once again tries to make a dialogue-driven movie, despite being not nearly as clever as he thinks he is. I mean, really? Two "I don't come down to your job and slap the dick out of your mouth" jabs in a ten minute span? Really? If even Phillip Seymore Hoffman and Ed Norton can't pull your movie out of the shitty realm of 8th grade insults, you really have problems. Then there's the mirror scene, where Ed Norton goes into this racist tirade about how everyone in New York is bullshit, and singles out everything he hates about every race and religious group, and I fully picture Spike Lee reciting this entire rant to himself every morning while spitting little splatters of toothpaste all over his bathroom mirror, so it's no wonder that it was so thought-out and flowing, while still being so hateful and specific. Basically, this guy is a drug kingpin type, gets out of the business, gets busted red-handed, and for some odd reason, this guy who is going to be in a maximum security prison for a decade or more gets the opportunity to roam around free for a while to tie up all his loose ends and say goodbye to everyone before he goes to prison, you know, just like in real life.
8 Mile: I liked this movie better back when it was called Cool as Ice.
8mm: Nicholas Cage kills the sleazy porno guy and then goes and kills the masked bondage guy (who turns out to be a mild looking guy - which is supposed to be some big jaw-dropper) and then goes to the hospital to get his stab wound fixed. It's a good thing he lives on a planet with no police so he doesn't get picked up at the hospital like every other person who kills two guys and comes into the hospital with some other guy's blood on him. I hear the legal system is pretty tolerant of vigilante justice when there is no evidence that the people killed did anything wrong.
Akira: Tetsuo is totally overwhelmed by his power and he turns into a big blobby thing that is nearly half the size of Big Pun before he turns into pure energy. I hate it when that happens.
Alien: The alien sneaks into the escape pod with Sigourney Weaver. She puts on a space suit and opens the airlock and it gets sucked into space. She then burns it up by using the engines of the pod. What the hell is up with those panties though?
Aliens (Alien 2): They blow up the big reactors, but the queen alien sneaks onto the ship (classically overused “but wait- there's more” ploy). Sigourney Weaver uses the big robotic loader (foreshadowing gone mad) to fight the alien and shoot it out the airlock (how original) and the dismembered drooly android says, “Not bad for a human,” and it sounds cool.
Alien 3: Sigourney Weaver is infected by an alien and just as it pops out of her chest she jumps into molten metal and the music goes DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!
Alien Resurrection: In a ploy to squeeze more life out of the series, they clone Sigourney Weaver after she killed herself in the last movie so they can get the alien out of her (and also so she will produce the movie so they can use her money). She turns out to have some alien characteristics, despite just looking like an aging Sigourney Weaver. She uses her alien blood to melt a hole in the window of the ship so the alien gets sucked out into a stream of silly string after ONCE AGAIN the alien sneaks onto the escape ship. GOOD THING THEY ENTERED EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE SO THERE'S AIR AND THE STARS DON'T GET KILLED.
All About My Mother: They say "Lo Siento" about 580 times.
Altered States: William Hurt turns into a vortex. I hate it when THAT happens too.
Amélie ( Le Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain): Fuck you. I'm not wrecking it. It was amazing. Go see it, you lazy, illiterate bastards. You shitheads will sit through Caddyshack 2, edited for TV, but you'll avoid a phenomenal movie because you (gasp) might have to read subtitles.
American Beauty: Kevin Spacey gets his brains blown out by his latently homosexual next door neighbor. At least it didn't get on the couch.
American Pie: Pretty much everyone gets laid. Whoopity shit. What a creative shocker ending. Probably took a whole committee of writers months of debating and planning to come up with that one.
American Pie 2: Let's see if you learned anything from the first one... DING DING DING! You guessed right! Pretty much everyone gets laid. YAY!!!
American Werewolf in London: He gets shot a whole bunch and his girlfriend cries as his body transforms back into a dead naked innocent looking guy.
Anaconda: It's got Ice Cube and a giant computer generated snake. How could it NOT be good? Well, it isn't.
Antwone Fisher:Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong black man who struggles against all odds to do what's right.
Apocalypse Now: In order to kill the colonel, Martin Sheen has to become as unfeeling as the colonel himself. He axes him with a machete and takes the tripped out dude home. But not before mumbling a lot.
Apocalypse Now Redux : It's longer.
Armageddon: Let's save the world! But first, let's see how witty we can be by zinging each other continually with wisecracks and jokes. The end of all life on Earth sure makes me feel like ribbing and cutting up. Gee! Who better to save the world from a giant comet than some DOOFUS LABORERS. Why not get the janitor to do it? He's not busy. Bruce Willis gets killed in space. Aww. What a loss. I'm drowning in my tears. Unfortunately, Ben Affleck DOES NOT get killed in the vacuum of space. Damn. Now I really am going to cry.
Baby Geniuses: Since nobody has ever SEEN this movie, I could completely lie and no one would know the difference. One of the babies becomes so intelligent that he uses telekinesis to crush the skulls of the other babies. That's not really all that impressive considering that babies have a soft spot in their skulls which makes them crush quite easily.... I mean.. if you were to ..uh.. want to do such a .. uh .. DREADFUL thing..... WHAT?!?!?
Basic Instinct : "Hey. Guess what? I killed him. No Really. I killed him. An ice pick you say? Oh. Like this one? I'm fucking telling you, I killed him. Really. Still wanna fuck me? Yeah, I know I'm sexy and bisexual and intriguing." And guess what? SHE REALLY DID KILL HIM, DUMBASS!
Batman: Batman WINS!
Batman Returns: Batman WINS!
Batman Forever: Batman WINS!
Batman and Robin: Batman WINS! Audience LOSES!
Batman Begins: Batman WINS!
Battlefield Earth: Alien invaders enslave the human race and deplete all the earth's resources in a manner similar to the way the producers of this movie depleted their bank accounts by burning millions of dollars making this fucking GAWD-awful piece of dogshit. Once again it goes to show that a star-studded cast won't fix your shitty writing and directing. Oh sure... blame it on post production.
Better Off Dead: The kid never winds up getting his two dollars.
The Big Lebowski: All the Dude wanted was his rug back. Goddamn that was a good movie... What? Pfft- if you were gonna see it you would have by now, so there's no point in me wrecking it. For everyone else, enjoy watching "Kazaam" OVER AND OVER AND OVER until your brain slides out of your ears and makes squishy puddles on your shoulders.
Blade: Wesley Snipes has a desperate thirst... you can tell by the stupid character voice he does through the whole movie. Get that guy a glass of water for fuck sakes. Uhh - he kills a shitload of hipster vampires and makes nerdy guys go WOOOO!!! But you already knew that part. And what the hell does SILVER have to do with fucking Vampires?? Silver is for Wolfmen, fuckheads!
Blade 2: I had a stomach virus and there was NOTHING on TV, so I ended up watching this Playstation game... Errr I mean movie (Yes, that was a disclaimer / excuse). Remember in the last one where he had to fight that Super Vampire? This time he had to fight a whole gang of Super Ultra Mega Uber Vampires. (Count Floyd voice) Boooo Scary! These vampires are Ultra spooky because they have a mouth that is directly derivative of the Alien and the Predator... COMBINED! Wooooo! And they have a heart that's encapsulated in bone EXCEPT FOR THE SIDE!! (Note foreshadowing point). This movie is completely overloaded in computer graphics. The physics are so completely ignored that the fighting sequences seriously look like Tekken, and the 'Vampire Burning Up' sequences look like they were rendered on a Nintendo Game Cube. The spooky old Vampire guy who wanted Blade to kill the Super Ultra Mega Uber Vampires, who, from the first shot, seemed like he was going to double-cross him ends up double-crossing him. Big surprise. Blade kills all the vampires. Another big shocker.
Blade Runner: After Rutger Hauer dies, Harrison Ford tries to protect the only replicant he ever met who could give a decent hummer.
The Blair Witch Project: A low budget, fairly creative film is made about 3 kids who go into the woods and all get killed. It scores at the box office. Oh... and this makes all the goth kids spooge in their pants.
The Blair Witch Project 2: Hollywood sticks its greedy head in and makes a generic teenybopper horror movie that you could buy condensed in a can. Just Add Stupid. This makes me want to nuke California off the map... Even More.
Blue Crush : Wow! A movie all about cute chicks being cute! I'm so there! Actually, there's no way in hell you'd ever be able to strap me to a chair and force my eyelids open to watch it. Fortunately, the trailer showed people all they really needed to know... that Michelle Rodriguez plays the token tough latin chick.
Blue Velvet : Agent Cooper, err, I mean Jeffrey Beaumont shoots King Koopa, errr, I mean Frank Booth as he sucks on his nitrous tank... What ?!?! ..... DON'T YOU FUCKIN' LOOK AT ME!!!
Body of Evidence: Apparently the only people who have ever seen this are Madonna, her publicist, and four gay men. I believe in occasionally "taking one for the team," but not enough to subject myself to this in order to give you an accurate review. Ohhhhh, Willem! The things we do to keep the the fridge full. If you needed a few bucks to get you by, you should have just asked.
The Bone Collector: Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong black man who struggles against all odds to do what's right.
Bottle Rocket: It's been a while since I saw it, so I forget. So.... Ummmm. Hi. How's work going? Boring? Sorry to hear that. (Updated 8/25/02) So I bought it on DVD and it's pretty good... What? Can't I sit back and relish the feeling that I'm one of a few hundred people who knows how it ends?
Bram Stoker's Dracula : A vampire movie where the vampire doesn't get cooked by the sun? Is that legal?
The Breakfast Club: A bunch of high school kids stuck in detention turn out to be way deeper and profound than most adults, probably because 27 year olds are portraying 16 year olds.
Bringing Out the Dead: Nicholas Cage yanks the plug on Patricia Arquette's dad. Hey, man - whatever breaks the ice.
Casino: That's gonna leave a mark.
Cast Away: In FedEx: The Motion Picture, Tom Hanks gets stuck on a desert island, and does not get to attend the Oscars for three years while he is missing. I gave up on counting FedEx logos about 15 minutes into this movie, when I had tallied 45. And the ending? He gets off the island on a raft and goes back to civilization to find that his wife has remarried and has kids, thus he goes his own way into a big hyper-sentimental load of corny symbolism. Come ON, Zemeckis! Angel Wings? Standing at the Crossroads? Holy FUCK! This infantile, clichéd, overt symbolism is the most creative shit you could contrive? I mean really! You want a dishwashing job? I might be able to hook you up.
The Cell: Jennifer Lopez stars in a movie about computer generated bondage gear, though the movie doesn't explore this to the point of actually being interesting. And for some reason they STILL haven't figured out that Vince Vaughn can't act his way out of a wet paper bag.
Citizen Kane: As Orson Welles dies, he goes "ROOOOOOOOSEBUUUUUUDD." Who writes this shit?
The City of Lost Children: They find the children.
Charlie's Angels: I only caught the last hour of this on cable, and it's an hour of my life that I will NEVER GET BACK. Three chicks who are completely impervious to any damage from shrapnel, 40 foot falls, and explosions, who live in a world where the laws of physics do not apply, run around ALMOST showing their tits and using infantile comedy to sell a really horrid movie to a bunch of PG-13-ers who still can't admit that they ever masturbated.
Chinatown: She's her daughter AND he sister.
A Clockwork Orange: Alex was a boy who liked a bit of the ultraviolence. When he's nabbed for murder and goes to prison, they put him into an experimental reconditioning program where they bollocks up his gulliver real horrorshow. After being released, he runs into the people who he'd hurt in the past, including his old droogs, and since he's been reprogrammed to not be able to defend himself, they all revel in torturing him. After he tries to snuff it, the government official who had put him into the reconditioning program finds him in the hospital nibbling away at steaky-wakes. He offers to support and protect him from his enemies in exchange for his silence to prevent an embarrassing PR mess for his party.
Commando: Arnie rips a big pipe off the wall with no effort and javelins the bad guy through the middle of his chest onto a boiler faster than the guy can squeeze off a even single round from his Mac-10, and as the steam shoots through the pipe and the bad guy does the "arg, I've been skewered to a boiler" squirm, Arnie says, "LET OFF SOME STEAM." OK CLAP NOW.
Cool as Ice: Vanilla Ice plays the role of a young singer who is eager to become a big star. No wait.. I think that was Glitter... But uhh .. I don't remember Mariah Carey having a motorcycle or a leather jacket with fruity colors... Shit, now I'm all confused. Oh well - don't see either of them unless you're bulimic and are tired of the old "tickle the uvula" technique.
Crash: Open Netflix envelope. Place DVD in DVD Player. Press play. Preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, preach, THE END. Eject DVD. DO NOT SMASH. Place DVD in Netflix envelope. Place Netflix envelope in mailbox. DO NOT KICK MAILBOX. Projectile vomit on the sidewalk.
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon: After we were already 15 minutes into the movie the retard behind me said really loudly, "Damn, dog. Ain't they gonna speak in ENGLISH?" Then he started reading the subtitles out loud in a Kung Fu Theatre voice. I know that doesn't really ruin the movie for you, but it almost ruined it for me.
The Crow: A rock star uses the power of raw teen angst to come back to life despite the fact that the actor who plays him is dead. They superglue his face-skin on Johnny the Homicidal Maniac and he kills everyone who ever so much as spit out gum on his lawn. This makes every 14 year old goth kid in America orgasm in his pants.
The Crying Game: It's a MAN.
Dead Man: He dies.... *shrug*
Death To Smoochy: He doesn't die... *shrugs again*
Deep Blue Sea: It's got LL Cool J and a shark with a human brain. How could it NOT be good? His hat is like a shark's fin, y'know. The sharks are all computer rendered, but there's no technology that's better than LL Cool J licking his lips and winking at the camera. Oh and uhh... They kill the shark. I know. You're as surprised as me.
Deep Impact: Bruce Willis and ..... umm... Morgan Freeman umm.... Whoa, now I'm totally confused. Wasn't that the one about the meteor or comet or something that was going to hit the Earth and wipe out all life? Yeah, the one from 1998. Huh? What do you mean Robert Duvall was in it, but Ben Affleck wasn't? Bruce Willis wasn't either? Dude! You must be on crack. Yeah, the one from 1998. A different one? Oh, yeah right, like they're really stupid enough to release two movies that are exactly the fucking same in the same year!
Deliverance: I know it's wrong, but I just can't look at Ned Beatty the same way anymore.
The Departed: Stars Leonardo DiCaprio (Brains blown out), Matt Damon (Brains blown out), Jack Nicholson (Shot in the heart by Matt Damon), Martin Sheen (Thrown off a tall building onto the sidewalk), Alec Baldwin (Who lives, sigh...) Anthony Anderson (Brains blown out), and Mark Wahlberg (Who blows Matt Damon's brains out). Eh, don't cry too much. I knew most of the above due to movie spoilers, and it was still one of the best movies I've seen in years..
Die Hard:He coincidentally runs into terrorists, gets beaten up really bad, says some catch phrases, and then kills them.
Die Hard 2: He coincidentally runs into terrorists, gets beaten up really bad, says some catch phrases, and then kills them.
Die Hard With a Vengeance: He coincidentally runs into terrorists, gets beaten up really bad, says some catch phrases, and then kills them.
Dirty Harry: Punk feels lucky: is not.
Donnie Darko: Lots of people who know my tastes in movies said, "Dude, you've GOT to see Donnie Darko! It's SO fucking good. I saw it when I was really stoned, and it KICKED ASS! Like, after I watched it, I just sat and thought about it for hours, because it was so good and deep and .. uhh... GOOD-DEEP!" When I first saw the trailers and ads for this movie I got creeped out. Not because I thought it was creepy, but because of how much it looked like a boring teen scream flick that I was sure to never bother seeing. I thought, "Gee - what a lame American Pie meets Jeepers Creepers piece of lame computer animated Hollywood Cheese!" Skeptical as I was, I had heard enough people tell me I would like it, and had read enough favorable reviews to dump 10 bucks on the DVD when I saw it on sale. I have to tell you, folks. I was misled. I could not have been more wrong about my initial reactions to the trailer. As it turns out, this movie is MUCH WORSE than I could have possibly guessed. Not only is it a lame teen scream movie, it's also loaded to the gills with hackneyed "ooooh isn't this weird" sight gags, overblown characters that are like glaring caricatures, stupid teenage dialogue so bad it makes The Breakfast Club pale in comparison, plot premises that are left intentionally open since those are the instructions straight out of the Hollywood Textbook of How to Make Your Audience of 15 Year Olds Think "OOOOOHH! WEIRD! SPOOKY!" and REALLY, HORRIBLY SUB-PAR computer animation that makes that Cat Litter commercial where the cat makes the "WHOAH" face look really high-tech. A few years back, there was a program called Goo that you could get at CompUSA for about 20 bucks that could have recreated about 90% of the CGI in this movie. Seriously, though. The Abyss was released in 1989. You still haven't advanced since that goofy water blob thing? It's time to get some computer effects consistent with the century you are living in. Actually, to say that it's a Teen Scream movie is somewhat unfair and oversimplified. It's more of a failed attempt at making a movie that's spooky and weird. Donnie Darko (Wow! What a convenient name) is this Trent Reznor action figure with an annoying Avril Lavigne action figure girlfriend. He spends the entire movie delivering really trite lines that are meant to be SPOOKY or anti-authoritarian, and hearing voices in his head through generic voice-overs that come from this SPOOKY bunny-rabbit guy. WHOAH! It's a BUNNY, but it's SPOOKY! Donnie, of course, spends the entire movie sneering while looking through his eyebrows because he's SPOOKY! Other "ooooh look at the spooky weirdness" images include Grandma Death (great original name), and the school mascot which looks like an anthropomorphic constipated pitbull. The movie kind of meanders along a pointless stream of events leading up to a certain date when something SPOOKY is supposed to happen. To kill time, the SPOOKY Harvey bunny gets Donnie to vandalize things, because vandalism is SPOOKY. More time is wasted on the lame Avril Lavigne chick who has all the acting ability of the mildew in Gary Coleman's shower and Donnie's visits to his psychiatrist, both of which don't add a speck of ANYTHING relevant to the plot, but create room for more SPOOKY dialogue. In the most rewarding scene, the girlfriend gets run over and killed by the guy in the SPOOKY bunny suit (as I cheer at the TV for the dumb little cunt's annoying whining being put to an end once and for all... until the end - Keep reading). Nice anticlimax there, assholes! The SPOOKY EVIL BUNNY is just some loser metalhead who's a lousy driver wearing a Halloween costume. The long awaited day of SPOOKINESS arrives, and since the writer is too inept to write something abstract to show Donnie traveling back through time and getting smushed by a falling jet engine, he uses more hokey Abyss CGI to make a WORM HOLE THROUGH SPACE AND TIME, because the audience really needs some more horrendous Nintendo effects in their lives to spoon feed them the concept, "OOOH LOOK AT HIM GO! HE'S FLYING BACK THROUGH TIME! SEE HIM? THERE HE GOES! BACK THROUGH TIME! ISN'T THAT SPOOKY?"
Double Take: The jaws of HELL open up and engulf an entire theatre audience and then chew slowly and mercilessly for 90 minutes.
Dr. Strangelove: I watched it three times. I tried to like it. I really did.
Dude, Where's My Car?: Dude, Where's my money back?
Dune (David Lynch): After David Lynch does a bunch of Hollywood shit that never happened in the book, Paul uses the sandworms to beat the Harkonnans. He jams a knife through Sting's head (wishful thinking) and then he makes it rain (which also never happened in the book).
Dune (aka Frank Herbert's Dune): Hey - let's make it 6 hours instead of 2, hype the SHIT out of it for weeks before its Sci-Fi Channel debut, make an SGI Workstation melt from overload, and let's pronounce all the names differently than the David Lynch version, JUST FOR THE FUCK OF IT. For added fun, let's make William Hurt try to carry an entire cast of nobodies on his untalented shoulders. HOO BOY!
Dungeons & Dragons: Whew... That was BAD. Ok, Jeremy Irons. I know you gotta keep the fridge full, but DAMN. The Man in the Iron Mask? Dude. You're allowed to turn stuff down, y'know.
Easy Rider: Fonda, Hopper and Nicholson all live happily every after in this story of tolerance, understanding and the American Dream. Well... the "American" part is true at least. Gotta love the South.
Eraserhead: He kills the freakbaby and a mountain of mashed potatoes comes out before it turns into a giant freakbaby.. What? You want meaning? I could try, but I'd be grabbing at straws. It's just weird. Can't something just be weird without you stroking your chin?
E.T. The Extraterrestrial: An alien gets stuck on earth and becomes billboard for Reese's Pieces, Pepsi, Domino's Pizza, and Speak 'n' Spell. Gertie does a bunch of drugs and shows her saggy tits to everyone... No wait.. Sorry - that comes later. In 2002, to celebrate its 20th Anniversary, Speilberg re-released E.T. as a more politically correct movie. He replaces the cops' guns with walkie talkies - because it's politically correct to be STUPID.
Face Off: After a completely impossible boat chase that would have liquefied both the hero and the villain, Travolta kills Cage and adopts his son and his family welcomes him by doing that idiotic hand over face thing. Yeah, I know when I love someone I like to express it by smearing my hand down their face like a retard.... Ok.. Now that I just remembered the stupid "I heart U" face rubbing crap, I'm changing my rating to
Fargo: After sticking Steve Buscemi in the wood chipper, Peter Stormare gets busted by a pregnant cop who says "YAHHHH" through the whole movie. Quite possibly the first movie in history that had a pregnant woman in it who did NOT go into labor at some critical point of suspense.
The Fast and the Furious: I was talking to (hitting on) a girl in a bar and she was talking about how she couldn't wait to see "The Fast and the Furious" and I kinda just smiled and didn't say anything. I wasn't going to offer to take her out to see it because I don't think I need sex badly enough to sit through it to get it, especially if it requires that I have to avoid making fun of how fucking bad it is. Michelle Rodriguez plays the token tough latin chick.
2 Fast 2 Furious: Tons of reviewers said it was the worst movie they've ever seen, yet it stayed at number one in the box office for over a month. What more proof do you need that the human herd needs to be culled? You won't find me in the theatre for this one. You'll find me in the parking lot with about 20 crates of eggs and the scrapity goodness of my nice sharp car keys gliding along the sides of your cars. Jah Rule was in the last one. This one has Tyrese and Ludakris. Pulling the best and brightest into the theatres, I see. What a challenging audience you're shooting for.
Fatal Attraction: I donno... I mean. X-14 is good on mildew stains, but I don't think that stain is ever gonna come out. They might have to re-grout it.
The Fifth Element: I'm loathe to write about it because I'm still trying to forget it. Let's see what happens when you cram a corny premise with as many overused stars like Chris "One Trick Pony" Tucker as you can scrape together, add enough cartoony computer effects to make Silicon Valley burst into flames, add as many terrible sight gags and witty comebacks as you can. GUESS WHAT! THE GIRL WEARING THE PLASTIC SIX PACK LOOPS IS THE FIFTH ELEMENT! She fires a mega bulemia beam out of her mouth and saves the Earth. YAY. I think I'm gonna go slit my wrists now.
Fight Club: Brad Pitt Turns out to be Ed Norton’s imaginary friend/alter personality but he can still kick Ed Norton’s ass. Ed Norton shoots himself through the jaw, which kills his Brad Pitt persona, but conveniently he doesn't blow his brains out so he can deliver the movie's punchline as the buildings blow up to the tune of a Pixies song.
Forrest Gump: A retarded guy wanders aimlessly through EVERY SINGLE important event that happened between 1960 and the 1980's and has a kid with his lifelong crush who dies of AIDS. He also causes uninspired sheep-people to spout platitude quotes from the movie, imitating his retarded character voice for the next five years so they all mistakenly think they're witty. "Run Forrest, Run! Hehehehe. Get it? Heheheh. Life is like a box of chocolates! Heheheh. Get it? Uhhh... Heh..... Ahem... Cough... Run Forrest, Run!! HAHAH!! Get it?" Oh and uhhh - the feather thing... No, no.. that metaphor wasn't even a BIT obvious.
Fright Night: Julia Roberts gets her film debut. Huh? That's not her? Hmmm.
Full Metal Jacket: So much for R. Lee Ermey being cast as anything but a militaristic screaming guy.
Ghost in the Shell: The chick with the big robotic jugs merges with the other chick with the big robotic jugs and after being blown to pieces is reborn in the cybernetic body of a little girl with no jugs at all! WHAT A RIPOFF!
Gigli: How many reviewers have to say that it's the worst movie they've ever seen before it keeps a movie from hitting number one at the box office? 2 Fast 2 Furious reinforces this point. There are very few movies that I am as dead set against ever seeing as Gigli. There are a lot of movies that I won't end up seeing, but this is one that I take an active interest in not seeing. Even the NAME makes me want to spit at someone. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck both make my eye twitch, and the mere thought of having to sit through an hour and a half of BOTH of them at the same time in a romantic comedy (the lowest known form of human entertainment, below professional wrestling, lottery scratch-offs and monster trucking) is enough to make the bile rise in my throat. Seeing this movie is on my list of things to do... several hundred notches below "let someone with shaky Parkinson's hands cut my cornea with a lemon juice soaked piece of posterboard," "slam nuts in car door while the car is moving and I'm running along side on a bumpy road full of potholes and rocks," and "witness the end of humanity as intercontinental ballistic missiles rain down from the sky." I'm so tired of seeing these two morons in the news, too. "Is their relationship good? Did he cheat on her? Do they have gay 3 ways with Matt Damon?" Who gives a fuck? What these two need is a nice Fatty Arbuckle style ending. Something where they go down in a burning cloud of shame and horror that makes everyone in Hollywood too embarrassed to look you in the eye. Cannibalism... Decapitation... Bestiality... Mix it up! Surprise us! C'mon guys! Get to it! It'll be the most interesting thing either of you have ever done in your entire careers.
Girlfight: Michelle Rodriguez plays the token tough latin chick.
Glitter: As it turns out, Mariah Carey is as talented as an actress as she is as a musician... Look for the irony. It's there.
The Godfather: After Vito dies, Michael figures out who's double-crossing him and has every one of his enemies killed. After he lied to his wife about it, she went on to make 30something, and hence made me vomit all over my TV.
Godzilla: After spending half the movie explaining plot loopholes like asexual reproduction in large vertebrates, and making a whole bunch of physically impossible giant mouse-holes in sky scrapers, they kill Godzilla by luring it onto a suspension bridge where it gets tangled and is shot by rockets from jets. They use the typical “Uh Oh! One got away” sequel-setup ending as they show an egg cracking open and a Jurassic Park velociraptor ripoff screaming at the camera.
Gone with the Wind: After Rhett Butler doesn't give a damn, Scarlet O’Hara pledges to eat dirty carrots and turnips out of the ground. Yeah. I gave it a four. Ted Turner can eat my balls.
Gremlins: Typical "Pandora's Box" scenario with the convenient Hollywood "out." The Gremlins' main weakness is sunlight.... GUESS WHAT KILLS THEM IN THE END!
Gremlins 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO! Wow, it sure is convenient that the laboratory left bottles of potions with labels showing pictures of a SPIDER and a BAT on them, otherwise, the completely brainless idiots watching the movie wouldn't have known what effect it would have on the gremlins! I'm sure all chemists label their elixirs with pictures of what they do. I'll bet at Pfizer, in the Viagra lab, they have jars of stuff with pictures of big boners on them. Watch me drink out of this bottle with a picture of a guy with a 10 foot long middle finger on the label. Guess what it does! It helps me review this movie!
Hannibal: What better way to follow up a great thriller than by making a cheesy sequel years later! Anthony Hopkins spends 80% of the movie delivering quasi-creepy lines which only de-emphasize how brilliant and mysterious he's supposed to be. And all the stupid little dipshits with no taste in movies went, "OH MY GOD! HE MADE THAT GUY EAT HIS OWN BRAINS!" Shut the fuck up. Has anyone ever heard of shock value? Easy ploys? Predictability? That whole scene was nothing more than a money shot for a movie with about as much gripping suspense as watching CSPAN for 6 hours. Agent Starling handcuffs him, and he chops off his own hand to get away. Then he gives some kid on a plane some of the brains. "Gee. I'd better run away before the cops get me! Good thing I brought some tupperware containers so I can save this pan seared brain! Wouldn't want it to go to waste! Pfffft! That's the sound of freshness!" "Pffft" is also the sound I made about 20 times during this movie as they tried and failed repeatedly to make it shocking. "Oooooh look! That guy's face is all fucked up! Ooooh look! The pigs ate that guy! Ooooh Look! That guy got hanged and his guts fell out and splattered pseudo-dramatically against the ground in slow motion!" Pffft! Pfffffft! PFFFFFT! As I'm writing this, they're on the verge of releasing "Red Dragon," which should probably be even worse.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone: You think I wanna wait in the cold in the ticket line for hours? Great! What a TREAT! I can squeeze into a theatre filled to the gills with A.) Screaming Children and B.) Annoying Adults who will say over and over "Here comes my favorite part" and "That never happened in the book." I'm waiting for video, you hypey choadburgers. (Update) Ok, so it's out on video... and uhhh... Hmmm... Nah.
The Haunting: They can use a computer to render ghosts coming out of the walls, but they can't render ticket buyers into the theatre. Holy fucking Jesus Smoking Watermelon Rinds that was bad! The ghost turns out to be the girl's Grandfather or some crap and he gets sucked into hell and the girl's spirit goes up to heaven. Hmmm - I can't really think of a more clichéd way to end it other than maybe some huge explosions or an Ewok feast with singing and laughing.
He Got Game: Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong black man who struggles against all odds to do what's right.
House of 1000 Corpses: The highly overrated rocker Rob Zombie watches Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, likes it, and decides that he's going to just make a movie that is EXACTLY THE GODDAMN SAME.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas: The Grinch stars as Jim Carey (no that wasn't an typo) in a movie about commercialism and childhood trauma and a lot of other things that I doubt Dr. Seuss could give a rat's ass about. Ahh - nothing like taking a traditional classic and adding lots of trendy modern platitudes like "Don't go there" and "Talk to the hand." What's sad is the screen writers think they're making it better. And gee- you think this movie got enough prerelease hype? YA THINK?
The Hunt for Red October: Sean Connery plays a Russian submarine captain who's trying to defect to the US. You can tell he's Russian by his glaring Scottish accent.
The Hurricane: Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong black man who struggles against all odds to do what's right.
Independence Day (ID4): Despite the fact that all the alien technology is so advanced that we couldn't possibly comprehend it, Jeff Goldblum makes a computer virus on his IMac with one hand still stroking his chin and logs onto AOL and uploads it via AIM with the filename "HOTGIRLS.EXE" to the alien spacecraft.
Indiana Jones, Raiders of the Lost Ark: The ark shoots out ghosts which kill all the nazis and then it gets put into a big matte painting of a giant warehouse.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: Harrison Ford uses the power of the rocks to burn the guy's hand and he falls into the crocodile infested river. Hmm - maybe those stories about Spielberg and little boys are true.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: The effeminate villain drinks from the wrong cup and turns into Anna Nicole Smith's husband.
Inland Empire: David Lynch: "Hey, Laura, wanna do a movie?" Laura Dern: "What's it about?" David Lynch: "Fuck if I know. I've been thinking... You know how all those other movies I did had some sort of underlying plot, even if some of them took a little work to figure out?" Laura Dern: "Yeah." David Lynch: "Well, at this point, I've pretty much lost my mind, and I want to do a movie with all the weird visual imagery and uncomfortable silence and stilted dialogue like my other movies, but get this... NO PLOT!" Laura Dern: "No plot at all?" David Lynch: "Fuck it! That whole 'plot' thing was holding me back. Seriously, I'm even going to have dance routines that have nothing to do with anything. Then comes the best part." Laura Dern: "What's that?" David Lynch: "Check it out. We're going to just sit back and read internet forums where all my most die-hard fanboys will call me a genius and discuss what the movie was supposedly about, even though it's all a bunch of meaningless bullshit." Laura Dern: "Sounds fun. When does filming start?" David Lynch: "Well... it's 4pm now. How soon can you get here?" Laura Dern: "Like half an hour? But wait. You're not going to like shoot the entire film with the camera 5 inches from my face are you? I mean, the years really haven't been kind to me and my pores look like they could swallow up whole cars." David Lynch: "WOW! I never thought of that. Do you mind if I do that?" Laura Dern: "Hmmmm... Can I be in the credits as co-producer?" David Lynch: "Deal!"
Interview with the Vampire: Yes, Tom Cruise is gay.
Jacob's Ladder: He's really been dead through the whole movie. Fortunately Macaulay Culkin has also been dead through the whole movie so he didn't have a chance to beat up his mom or start any fires or anything.
Jaws : They kill the shark.
Jaws II: They kill the shark.
Jaws 3d : They kill the shark in 3d. Gee! It's a good thing that the diver with the grenade was in the shark's mouth, UNSWALLOWED and still WHOLE, for a few days, and it sure was nifty that his hand never let go of that grenade.
Jaws: The Revenge: Guess. No really. Please guess. They kill the shark ... Yeah - I know - you thought the 4th one was going to throw you a curveball. Gotta love Mario Van Peebles! Nice fake Caribbean accent there, champ. And uh, Michael Caine... Time for a new agent, buddy. God killed Raul Julia for making "Street Fighter." You should really be more careful. "ROAR! I AM A SHARK! ROAR! LOOK AT ME STANDING UPRIGHT IN THE WATER! JUST LIKE A SHARK! ROAR!" At that point I bit down hard on the cyanide tablet to end the pain.
Jesus Camp: Batshit crazy Christian supremacists who are racked with guilt, have no respect or tolerance for other worldviews, religions or cultures and no understanding of science work tirelessly to brainwash their poor kids to be batshit crazy Christian supremacists who are racked with guilt, have no respect or tolerance for other worldviews, religions or cultures and no understanding of science. Their success in achieving this goal is enough to make any rational person's blood run cold.
Jin Roh: The indestructible, heavily armed Stormtrooper guys are awesome for the five minutes that they're actually really fighting. Admit it. You bought this DVD because you wanted to watch a well animated movie about a guy struggling with his guilt and having bad dreams. Right???
John Q: Denzel Washington plays the role of a strong black man who struggles against all odds to do what's right.
Jurassic Park: The few people who don't get eaten fly away in a helicopter, leaving the dinosaurs living on the island (sequel setup) and the old guy mourns his failure as he looks at the little mosquito in the amber cane handle that supposedly explains all the biologically impossible bullshit that they feed the audience through the entire movie. Come on, dinosaurs. You didn't think Jeff Goldblum looked tasty? I would have bought the dvd if it had Jeff Goldblum getting torn noisily into jerky strips.
Jurassic Park 2: Hoo-Haa! While we're getting chased by hungry, carnivorous dinosaurs, let's continually zing each other with clever, witty wisecracks! That's what I always do when I'm running in terror.
Jurassic Park 3: A bunch of white people get chased by some scary computer animated dinosaurs and miraculously get to safety at the last possible second. A few people get killed during the movie, including a few good guys and everyone "who deserved it." Of course, some dinosaurs remain alive in case they decide to make ANOTHER sequel. I actually wrote the review a few weeks prior to seeing the movie. When it came on cable, I got to find out how right I was.
Kai Doh Maru: Ahh, where to begin... This anime movie was marketed brilliantly. The DVD cover was gorgeous. They had the usual reviewer quotes telling how stunning the movie was and they made sure to mention that it was made by IG, the makers of Blood: The Last Vampire, Ghost in the Shell and F.L.C.L. (I thought WOW! The latest installment from the people that made those landmarks of anime. Boy, was I duped). What a shame (or sham) that the marketing was where the brilliance ended. This is a shining example of directors being really vague in an attempt to create an air of mystery and taking it way too far, or simply being too lazy to fill in enough gaps to make it reasonably coherent. Mystery is cool. So much mystery that you'd need to be able to read the writer's and director's minds in order to glean anything at all about what's going on is really NOT cool. That's just amateurish writing. Not only that, but they were apparently wholly focused on experimenting with the look and feel of the movie to the extent that the odd appearance overrides everything else. It's as though they just threw a slapdash story together as an excuse to try out their animation style. Let me give you as brief a run down as possible. Nah, fuck it. This one needs to be ripped to shreds so nobody else gets ripped off like I did. First off, the main character makes no sense at all. In the opening scene, Kai Doh Maru is running from a bunch of guys in masks through the woods with his injured mother who calls him "prince." The head bad guy in this scene takes off his mask to reveal, "HAH-HAHH! I'm your UNCLE! Don't bother remembering this fact because this is the last time you'll even see me in this movie, thus making my identity completely irrelevant! HAH-HAH!" The guys kill Kai Doh Maru's mother and then some monks come out of nowhere on horseback and rescue him. Why? Donno! Why was his uncle trying to kill him and his mother? Donno! In the next scene we're introduced to a Creepy Eyebrowless Chick who wants to be his wife. Cut (don't smoothly segue) to the next scene where we have the Creepy Eyebrowless Chick hanging out with this white haired person who looks like Kai Doh Maru by a river bank. They make some vague statements about, "All the water is poisoned. That's why there's a plague and everyone's dying. Don't bother to remember this fact because it will not be mentioned again and plays absolutely no part in the plot of the movie from here out." In the next scene, suddenly Kai Doh Maru is a PRINCESS and they call her "Kintoki," which sounds exactly like "Kentucky." This gets old fast. "Hey, Kentucky, you should work on your sword technique. Hey, Kentucky, here comes your old friend. Hey, Kentucky, do they really have blue grass in Kentucky?" How did he turn into a girl with a different name between scenes? Donno! I don't think there were any sex change surgeons back in Feudal Japan. What could be the plot point in making his/her gender ambiguous? Donno! So what kind of life does this prince/ss lead? S/he's a SECURITY GUARD. Yes indeed. The heir to the throne is up late nights keeping watch on the town on horseback with the same monks who rescued him/her. There was great character design on these monks by the way. The three of them are all practically indistinguishable from each other except one is plain, one has messy hair and an eye patch and one of them has a stripe over the bridge of his nose like the 80's new wave singer, Adam Ant. At this point, I think it should be mentioned that everything is animated in flat, unshaded pale pastel colors with computer generated backgrounds. If you're going to put cel animation on top of computer generated imagery, it HAS to blend. This looks like someone cut the pen-drawn characters out of paper and tacked them on top of someone's architectural 3d model. The use of flat pastel colors on top of untextured 3d CGI makes the whole thing look really hokey. The cels have no depth at all and look like pre-production sketches which need to be colored in and shaded. The only color that's vivid is red blood, and even that's only bright red at certain times. So the monks and Kentucky happen upon a rickshaw in the street late at night and the white-haired Kentucky clone attacks them. All the fight scenes are done in this blurry shaky-cam style to emphasize lightning fast movement, which only succeeds in making it blurry and shaky and incomprehensible. WOW! What an awesome fight scene! At least I think it was. I was too busy having an epileptic seizure to be sure. Why did the white haired clone attack? Donno! Who is he/she? Donno! Why have I stuck to watching this movie this long? Donno! So they cut to the "bad guy lair" and the Creepy Eyebrowless Chick and the Kentucky clone are hanging out talking nonchalantly about "Yeah well, they chopped my arm off. Oh well. So what's up with you?" At this point they introduce the infamous VAGUELY MENACING CHILDREN. These two look identical except one has long hair. They even both wear identical clothing. Who are they and why are they important? Donno! They go outside and see a mob of the masked people. Who are the masked people? Donno! How are they connected with the Creepy Eyebrowless Chick, the Kentucky clone or the Vaguely Menacing Children? Donno! So one of the Vaguely Menacing Children says, "Let's burn the city." Why? Donno! So the mob goes around burning the city. At this point I noticed that the ONLY people in this movie are the main characters and the mob. There are no people running down the streets in terror because of the fire. Wow - I never knew CGI houses were so flammable. The city council should rewrite the building code to enforce less flammable CGI housing materials. So the mob arrives at the monks' base and capture Kentucky. Just as the Creepy Eyebrowless Chick is about to take him/her back to the baddy lair, everyone starts melting. Why? Donno! No wait! There's a wizard in the crowd and he's causing an illusion. The Creepy Eyebrowless Chick stabs him with a sword saying, "I CONTROL THE SPELL!" and everything goes back to normal. But uhh - who was that wizard guy? Donno! Why is he significant? Donno - and now that he's dead, I guess we'll never find out. What did she mean when she said she controlled the spell? Donno! The monks corner the Kentucky clone and he/she cuts off Eyepatch's arm. Plain then shoots an arrow into his/her belly and he/she retaliates by (get this) EXPLODING. How did he/she explode and ignite a nearby CGI tinderbox house? Donno! They didn't even pretend to explain this. They didn't show a bomb. They didn't go "Hey - check out that big barrel on his/her back that says TNT on the side with a burning fuse sticking out of it," nothing. Basically it was like, "Oh yeah? Well, " *BOOOOOOM!!!!* So you never see the Kentucky clone again. But wait. He/she seemed to be a pretty significant character. What was his/her importance and why did he/she seem to be a clone of Kentucky? Donno! So Plain goes off to rescue Kentucky and bumps into the Vaguely Menacing Children and a mob of the mask people. He kills all the mask people and then Adam Ant comes out of the clear blue fucking sky (and yes, it's blue, as is about 50% of this movie in two or three shades of light pastel blue) and STABS Plain with a spear. Why? Donno! Here you have a guy who was his close comrade in arms and in the blurry blink of a shaky-cam eye, "Oh hey! What's up! I'm gonna kill you now!" No foreshadowing. No explanation. Just, "Whassup!" *STICK* Meanwhile in the baddy lair, Creepy Eyebrowless Chick is trying to get all lovey dovey with Kentucky. A few seconds later, Kentucky comes out the front door of the lair alone, clutching his/her gut and trailing blood. Wha-happen? Donno! S/he finds the Vaguely Menacing Children and Adam Ant gone and Plain lying dead. Whoah. Finally, the plot is getting somewhat interesting. THE END! What?!?!?! What happened to Adam Ant or the Vaguely Menacing Children? Donno! What happened to Creepy Eyebrowless Chick? Donno! I mean, I can GUESS, but if the writers had any clue how to form narrative structure, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO. I mean, how much of an admission of inadequacy is it when the feature itself is only 45 minutes long, and the production supplemental material on the DVD is 30 minutes long? If a book is 300 pages long and the Forward and Appendix, which you couldn't possibly understand the story without, comprise 125 pages of that, then the narrative itself is REALLY REALLY crappily written. What really pissed me off is that when this DVD is listed on web catalogues, they say "Running time: 75 minutes." Sure, everything on the fucking disk, including the supplemental material and ADVERTISEMENTS for other Manga videos tally up to 75 minutes. The feature itself is only 45. Wow! That's a quick fucking 20 bucks! After buying this DVD, I went online to see if I was crazy, or if it really was regarded as fucking horrible by most of the people who watched it. What I found was a really polar split. On one hand, you had assloads of people who thought it was horrifyingly bad. On the other hand you had some sort of fanboy freak minority who WANTED it to be good so badly that they just couldn't admit to themselves that there was nothing redeeming about the DVD they just shucked out money for. These reviewers liked to say things that ended up on the DVD cover to trick people into buying it, like "the artwork is a vast departure from the hackneyed standards of Anime." "A brilliant blending of exquisite cel animation and cutting edge CGI." "A complex and suspenseful plot." "Gorgeous." Wha-HUHHH?? Maybe they burned the wrong movie on the DVD's you guys watched, because Kai Doh Maru is dogshit, plain and simple. Lots of the positive reviews I read came with loads of disclaimers and pleas for sympathetic judgement. "As you watch this film, try to avoid sticking to your preconceptions as to what Anime should be. Keep an open mind and appreciate the subtle experimentation." Look. If I have to watch a movie with an assload of rules as to HOW I interpret it floating around in my head to find some enjoyment in something that seems too oblique to comprehend and too sloppily rendered to even tell what's going on half the time, then guess what. IT'S A FUCKING ROTTEN MOVIE. A great storyteller can make a story that human beings can actually relate to without them having to take a class first to teach them how to analyze it. If I have to have an out of body experience to an alternate reality where this movie makes sense and looks good, then it wasn't a good movie. Daikatana was an experiment too. It also happened to be a REALLY HORRIBLE videogame. Experiment. Tinker. Get creative. Break boundaries. But don't fucking charge me 20 bucks to see your experiment when it's gone all wrong. This one's going on Ebay for sure, even though I feel really dirty even foisting it on someone for a few bucks.
The Karate Kid: A 29 year old who looks like a 15 year old with crooked teeth wins a big karate championship when he uses a crane kick that looks like a giant neon sign that says, "HEY! PLEASE STUPIDLY LUNGE AT ME FACE FIRST BECAUSE I AM GOING TO KICK YOU IN THE FACE REALLY HARD!" and the karate champ actually falls for it like a dumbass.
Kazaam: ......What? Really? Not even if you PAID me.
Kids: AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
Killer Klowns from Outer Space : A winner of 11 Oscars, this complex and engaging film is a bold thought provoking statement, not only about religion, politics, romance, war and society, but about ourselves. The viewer is left feeling that many areas of thought that were before untouched and dormant are awakened and enriched, and the feeling lasts long after the film is complete. The plot is entirely engrossing, yet still very entertaining. Viewers will find themselves deeply moved just minutes into this film, and the feeling of utter emotional stirring only intensifies as it progresses. Grandiose sets, beautiful landscapes, lavish costumes, exotic locales, mesmerizing state-of-the-art visual effects and John Williams' masterpiece original score are a feast for the senses from the first moment to the last. An all-star cast of Anthony Hopkins, Kate Blanchett, Kevin Spacey, Juliette Binoche, John Hurt, Gary Oldman, Steve Buscemi, John Tuturro, Julianne Moore, Dustin Hoffman, John Malkovich, and Susan Sarandon all give some of the best performances of their careers. Under the masterful co-direction of Francis Ford Copolla, Oliver Stone, and Martin Scorsese, it would have been impossible for the actors to give anything less than their best. Upon seeing this movie, The Queen of England knighted all of the co-directors. It was absolutely breathtaking when I saw it at the IMAX Theatre. See this movie. Buy the DVD. Watch it with people you love. For a long time, I have wanted to buy a large flatscreen hi definition television and a surround sound speaker system. When this movie was released on DVD, I could hesitate no longer. For years I have hoped for a sequel, though I do not see how anyone could surpass the cinematic mastery of this film.
Killing Zoë: During the bank robbery, the AIDS guy turns on Eric Stolz and gets shot a zillion times by the cops and bleeds everywhere.