In no particular order since they are all WAY past due.
Updated 2/23/10
Any adult who STILL can't admit they masturbated EVER.
The fact that people who have no imaginations always have nothing but negative things to say about people who have vast imaginations.
The frighteningly large number of Americans that think an accurate summary of the First Amendment is that you have the right to practice Christianity in the Protestant church of your choice, and that the part about free speech doesn't really matter.
People who read my page, like it, and decide to sign up to a forum as Negativepositive and act like my page is their homepage. Even weirder are people who read my page, acknowledge that it's mine, then LINK to it with "additions" they would like to see that are things that are ALREADY on the page, but they reworded them very, VERY slightly. Worse are people who use the name "negativepositive" to make a .com, myspace page, flickr, livejournal, etc. who post a poem, a couple of pictures, or nothing in particular, and then apparently move on.
"I'm negativepositive! Welcome to my page!.... Last login: April 22, 2003."
This guy Adam Sessler from TechTV (now called G4, which sucks more and more by the day) who really, really liked my Jennifer video that I made in September of 2002. In "Jennifer," I walk around Manhattan among crowds of confused onlookers with a red snapper under my arm, seeing the sights as though I'm hanging out with my girlfriend. He liked it so much that in August of 2003, nearly a year after I published "Jennifer," he made a few small videos of (get this amazing originality) him walking around town among crowds of confused onlookers with a red snapper under his arm, seeing the sights as though he's hanging out with his buddy. Not just any fish, but a red snapper, no less. He even buys the fucker at some Chinatown fish place, just like I did. How inventive! I'm sure it's all just a BIG COINCIDENCE that he thought of the EXACT same idea as me a year after I thought it up. I mean, a guy walking around the city with a red fucking snapper under his arm talking to it like it's a person... That's like a comedy standard, right? WRONG. The fucking guy even holds the fish the same way. Dude, the least you could do is link to me. It's the least you could do for blatantly plagiarizing content from my page to put on your shitty channel to ensure that you have a job. I made the video expecting no money in return, whereas you deliberately steal people's ideas to get your paycheck. Goddamn, what a blood sucking parasite. "Slippy the Fish?" How many hours around the boardroom table did it take to come up with "Slippy?" Jesus. What brilliance! Just call it "Swimmy the Fish what Digs Wetness" and save yourself some effort. Why does TechTV need to resort to blatantly plagiarizing me to have something interesting on their channel? Because they suck ass and I kick ass. Seriously, eat a fucking dick, Adam Sessler.
Pizza places that only have specials if you're having a huge party or something.
"TRY OUR NEW 4-4-4-4 DEAL! You get FOUR large pizzas with FOUR toppings, FOUR packs of breadsticks, FOUR packs of buffalo wings and FOUR two-liters of soda for only $44.44!"
"Got anything for a medium pepperoni?"
"Nope! That's twelve bucks!"
Gizmodo has a section where every week they review the best new iPhone apps, and every week a few people whine, "Why only iPhone apps? Why not Android apps?" Oh, gee, maybe because the section is called "This week's best iPhone apps," not to mention that there are many times more iPhone than Android owners, and seemingly most Android owners really wanted an iPhone, but didn't want to be on AT&T?
People on Facebook whose apparent purpose in life is to make a great effort to give the impression that all they do every day is wear fancy clothes and drink fancy drinks and eat fancy food with fancy people at fancy parties at fancy restaurants.
Video games, music and movies that are "coming soon," and then don't come out for 2 years or more. Hey, fuckfaces. 2 years from now isn't fucking soon, especially for a videogame that will be beatable over a weekend, a CD with 2-3 good songs on it or a movie that's worth seeing once, maybe, once it comes on Netflix.
Software updates that make previously functional software and hardware into non-working software and hardware.
"Ahh, yes. See, we added a new feature. The new feature is that now your sound card does not make sound. It's a bug fix, really... for people who consider a sound card providing their computer with the ability to make sound a bug. I mean, you did spend a bunch of money on a SOUND card with the intention of it being as silent as a stone, right? And up until now you have been playing videogames and movies and music with sound, right? And who wants that? Pffft! All that noise messing up your entertainment! Well now we have taken care of that for you. You're welcome."
To add to the above: Good old video games and applications that need a shitty old operating system and shitty old hardware to run. If a game ran really well on a 166mhz processor and 32 megs of RAM, it ought to run like a motherfucker on a 2ghz processor and 4 gigs of RAM, not "not at all."
Christians who are debating me who think a valid argument against my points against their religion is to quote scripture at me like they are casting a magic spell.
"What evidence do you have for your religion?"
"When he said this, he called out, 'He who has ears to hear, let him hear.'"
"Uhhhh, did you even read what I said?"
"Surely he scorneth the scorners: but he giveth grace unto the lowly."
"You know what? I'll take your attempt to divert with mumbo jumbo as your concession, and you can go fuck yourself."
Movies and TV shows where one of the characters is reading a plot-critical note, email, etc. and the thing flashes on screen, half visible, just long for your brain to think, "Oh, hey, I should read that," and then it's gone faster than anyone could possibly read it all. Gee, thanks.
Clients who bring up ancient history.
"Good morning, I just needed to ask a question about one of our bills."
"Okay."
"Okay, the date of the event was November 10, 08, and there was a charge on the invoice for 'miscellaneous' for $14.23... And I just need to know what that was."
"Uhhhh.... You want me to tell you what something was, that was entered as miscellaneous, from a bill that totalled $22,093, from over a year ago.... for 14 bucks?"
The fact that I have to take my pants off to talk to my doctor about my asthma.
People who scoff at you for not being familiar with a trend that is certain to be a short lived fad, which they believe is undeniably culturally significant.
(1995) "Pfff, you've never heard of Pogs? These are going to pay for my retirement. Just you wait!"
People who scoff at you for being involved in things that are certainly not short lived fads but undeniably culturally significant.
(2010) "Pfff, quit yammering about the internet. I don't see what you people see in it."
That moment in a debate when you realize that your opponent is actually out of his mind and that you have totally wasted your time and energy forming cohesive, reasoned arguments. It's not that they're wrong, or ignorant, or buying into a fallacy, but are clearly crazy.
"God is real, and faith is a totally valid reason to believe in him. Plus, science that contradicts the Bible is clearly wrong."
"First off, to demonstrate that God is real, you have to provide evidence, as faith is just an excuse to believe in something without a good reason."
"You believe in this reality? Reality is just an illusion created by Satan to test your faith."
"And you don't see the glaring contradiction that you doubt the reality in which you read the Bible and came to your faith in God? How would you be able to come to this conclusion that reality is an illusion?"
"The Devil told me so."
"That's cute. I understand that you have strong faith, but don't exaggerate."
"The Devil talks to me all the time... audibly. Pfff, like he's never talked to you before? Nice try!"
"Hmmmm, okaaaayyy.... You know what? I think we should cut this discussion short. Yeah..... See, when we started this debate, I made the perhaps hasty assumption that you weren't crazy. But now that it is clear that you are, I don't think it would benefit either of us to keep going. I can make a thousand reasonable arguments, but none of them are going to make you not be crazy..... Yeah..... Sooo, good bye...."
While I am a huge fan of videogames with graphics that are amazingly realistic and detailed, it's silly how many of them have settings that would make a very good computer from 5 years after the game's release slow to a crawl. "Man, I sure am glad I dropped 4 grand on this computer. Now when I crank all the details and effects on this 5 year old game I'm up to 1.5 frames a second with constant hard drive grinding. Sweet!"
Videogames like World of Warcraft and Final Fantasy 11 Online that have been running for years and had graphics that were totally shitty even for when they were released, and haven't really been updated at all.
People who have video blogs on YouTube who look weird on purpose, with such things as facial tattoos, earlobe stretching, bumpy implants under their skin, loads of facial piercings, unusual makeup and hair, etc, whose entire video blog is them whining about how it's fucked up how people stare at them or won't give them a customer service job or whatever. "Why are people doing exactly what I wanted them to do? STOP STARING AT ME! I mean, I know my whole appearance is a carefully constructed 'look at me' stunt, but damn!"
"Your video will start in 30 seconds, right after this ad!" Pff, then I don't want to see it. Fuck you. The video itself is probably only 30 seconds long, so you can take your Crest White Strips and shove them up your asshole.
Debaters in spoken debates whose approach is to talk like the fucking Micromachines guy and rattle off way more points than a normal speaker could possibly address in the allotted time.
Retarded debaters who think that making loads of unsupported claims and assertions is the same thing as giving evidence, ignoring the fact that all these new claims require additional evidence for themselves.
"See, Yahweh created the universe in six days."
"Uh-huh...."
"And he made Adam from dirt and Eve from Adam's rib."
"Uh-huh...."
"But Satan tricked Eve into eating the fruit, and she got Adam to eat it too, and that's why we're all sinners from birth."
"Uh-huh...."
"But then God came down to earth in the form of Jesus, and died to redeem us of Adam's sin, and the only way to receive this redemption is to believe in him."
"Uhhhh, and how do you know any of this is true?"
"Well, because the Bible is the true and inerrant word of the creator of the universe."
"And what evidence do you have of any of this?"
"Haven't you been listening? How much more evidence do you need?"
Stupid, inconsiderate fucks who have no excuse for themselves.
This morning I was on the train and it was completely packed. If the guy with the small coffee had gotten a medium, it wouldn't have fit. Nobody is getting on this fucking train. I am leaning on (pressed against would be a better description) the doors. The train stops, the doors open, nobody gets off, and I feel this hard, angular object jamming repeatedly into the backs of my calves. I turn around and this dink is pushing a hand cart with two large boxes, the type used to pack copy paper, into my legs. He's not just gently urging the cart into the train, but forcibly ramming it into my legs the way one would do to try to smash an uncooperative bag into an overhead bin on a plane before the people behind you get annoyed.
"Excuse me. What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
"Uhh.... I uhh... " as he looks at the floor and starts backing away, allowing the doors to close.
Retards who think saying "Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" is like dropping a nuclear bomb in a culture war. Who gives a shit? I'm an atheist. Merry Christmas. Look. No blisters. No stray lightning bolts. "Our holiday that we stole from Solstice-celebrating pagans is the reason for the season!" Actually, the tilt of the earth is the reason for the season, but I guess stealing someone else's holiday is no more or less goofy than the other shit you think is importatnt, so go nuts.
Websites dedicated to "sexiest women in tennis," or "sexiest women in TV cooking shows," or "sexiest woman politicians," or other bullshit like that. Uhhh, is Anna Kournikova hot? Sure. Why not? You know who's hotter? 99% of porn stars, and we'll get more than a grainy paparazi pic of them digging a bikini out of their ass cracks from them.
People whose list of books they have read since high school is almost entirely comprised of books that reassure them that their religion is right. This list often does not even include their own religion's holy book.
Copiers and printers that barf out 4-10 more copies after you hit "stop." See, the correct number of copies to make after someone hits stop is zero.
Pepperidge Farm Top-sliced Hot Dog Buns. These should be called "Pepperidge Farm Whoops We Sliced Them On The Wrong Side, Sorry About That, half price Hot Dog Buns."
Golfers. "Check out my new putter. Yeah, it's pretty sweet. It's got a titanium alloy head with carbon fiber reinforcement, flat lie configuration, satin finish to reduce glare, precision aligned weighted inserts and a .25 millimeter corrugated surface. Cost me 325 bucks... oh, just for the head.... but it's so worth it because now I am ever so slightly more accurate when I hit a little white plastic ball into a hole in the ground from a few feet away."
Hmmm.... We've got twice the amount of money that the National Endowment for the Arts gets annually. What should we do with it? I know, let's make a movie about some computer animated blue jungle people that still just look like computer animation!
Those moments where you are doing something on your computer that is as ostensibly low-demand as saving a small text file, backspacing through a word, or hitting the start menu, and your computer completely shits a brick as though you are installing an OS or copying an entire hard drive to another.
People who want you to appreciate the deep underlying meaning of the most retarded, shallow pop fluff music ever made.
"Dude. You just aren't getting it. See, Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face' has a spirit and artistic vision and bravery that is beyond your grasp."
I have my clock radio set to Glen Beck because it makes me irritated enough to wake up, and this morning he said the most ironic thing I've heard in a long time. (Screamed into the microphone with righteous indignation): "They capitalize on any tragedy to push whatever laws they want through!" .... referring to the democrats. Anyone remember 9/11? The Patriot Act? The creation of the department of Fatherland... err, sorry, Homeland Security? Warrantless wiretapping? The completely unneeded war in Iraq?
Christians who trot out the argument that atheists are "arrogant." While this is little more than a whine, and has no bearing whatsoever on the validity of someone's ideas, I still think it's hilariously hypocritical. Consider the following...
"Hey there. I know something pretty important, which you apparently are not privileged enough to know. You know this huge, ancient universe? I know where it came from and what it's for. That's right. It was made by a creator. Yes, I know this. I also happen to know that he, yes, I know it is a 'he,' made this universe, which is at least 156 billion light years across specifically just for one species that lives on a small percentage of the surface of only one planet. Oh, and this planet is the only one in the entire universe that has any life, since it is the most important planet to the creator and all his attention is focused on it, and that is why it is so perfect. Oh, those other planets and stars? Those are just there to be pretty for us humans. Of course, humans are not just some really smart animal, and are in fact not animals at all, but transcendant beings, completely unrelated to any other species on earth. I know scientists like to say that they have determined that the universe is billions of years old, and that this species has existed for a few hundred thousand, but I know better than them. Have I done experiments? Do I have evidence? Pffft! I just KNOW, okay? I can FEEL it! I don't need any evidence. I would say that I got this information from this absolutely true book, but I haven't quite gotten around to reading it just yet. Oh, but I still know every word of it is true. Oh! And actually, he didn't make it for all of this species, just his chosen members, a minority of this species. I also conveniently know that I just so happen to be one of these special members. Yes, indeed. God set up the laws of the universe and ordered the structure of DNA specifically to design my species, the most important species. He even went so far as to make me, I mean us, in his own image. Not only do I know how this universe came to be and for what purpose, I also know what the creator of the universe is like. I know what he likes and what he doesn't. I know what he wants us to eat, what he wants us to think, what sexual practices he approves and disapproves of, what name he prefers to be called, what makes him happy and what makes him angry. That's right. I have no clue what the guy sitting next to me on the bus is thinking, but I am fully aware of the thoughts and feelings of the very creator of the universe, who I can't even see, touch, or hear, and whose presence I can't provide a shred of evidence for... unlike that guy on the bus. Oh, and by the way, I am fully content in the knowledge that he is quite happy with how I am living my life, and furiously angry with how you are living yours. How do I know this? Pfff. Wait and see. Oh boy, are you ever gonna get it. I on the other hand, who am not half a speck of fly shit in the greater scheme of the universe, am deeply beloved, on a personal level, by the creator of the universe. He is deeply interested in my every thought, and he speaks to me. Yes, yes, I am quite important to him, if you must know, and he and I talk to each other a lot. He and I have a very close relationship. He tells me that everything I believe is true, and that everything I doubt is wrong, and furthermore, evil. It is because you disagree with me... err, I mean, Him that you are going to burn forever in a lake of fire. Yes, your mere inability to see the world as I see it is so vile a sin that you deserve whatever punishment the creator can sling at you. On the other hand, he is so impressed by my mind, and so pleased with the way I have lived, that he plans to preserve all of my thoughts, memories and beliefs after my body dies so I can live forever at his right hand, right where he has planned for and wanted me to be since the beginning of time. The ultimate goal of the creator of the universe...... Me."
Could there POSSIBLY be a more blindingly arrogant point of view?
More on the Youtube "hater by default" shit: I just watched a video of someone using a guitar app for iPhone. It was laid out as 6 "strings" that you could pluck, strum, and finger like a guitar, and had a sound that sounded pretty much like you would expect a synth or sampler to sound when playing a guitar. The comments for the video were loaded with people saying, "Man, that doesn't sound like a real guitar," "Get a life faggot," and other pleasantries. Uhhhh.... gee... a PHONE WITH A GUITAR PROGRAM DOESN'T SOUND AS GOOD AS A REAL GUITAR. NO SHIT, RETARD, IT'S A PHONE. Did you get that? HE'S PLAYING A GUITAR ON A PHONE. Let me put this into perspective, since it has kind of slipped past you. Around 4000 years ago, someone invented the guitar. By comparison, very recently, someone invented the phone. Later, someone invented radio broadcasting. Then later, someone invented a phone with no cord that used radio to transmit to a receiver in someone's house. Then later, someone invented a cellular phone that broadcast and received radio waves from much farther away. Then later, the cellular phone developed to the point that you could put sound, graphics and a touchscreen on it, that are so advanced that we are having a debate on how much like a guitar the phone can be made to seem. That doesn't fuck with you at all? Is it as good as having a real guitar? Find me a guitar that lets you post pictures on Facebook.
People whose reaction to anything creative, which someone clearly put a lot of thought an effort into is, "Heh, looks like someone had some time on his hands." Pretty much everyone has some time on their hands. The time that you had on your hands you put into watching TV. Other people actually fucking DO something with the time they have on their hands. At the end of that time, some people have an elaborate photo collage, or a painting, a website, a miniature model of Manhattan made of individually sculpted grains of rice, or a book. You have an ability to give a plot synopsis of 7 TV shows and an opinion that the Broncos might go all the way this year. Who gives a shit?
Christians who dishonestly try to play the "protect the children" card in their objection to pornography. Am I against kiddie porn? Damn right I am, however, since it has not been demonstrated that there is a corellation between people using regular porn and people becoming child molesters, there is no justification for criminalizing the act of adults producing, distributing, selling, buying, or viewing porn that depicts consenting adults having fun with other consenting adults and/or various plastic objects. Get that? People who use porn don't have a higher incidence of being into fucking kids, so blow it out your ass. "We need to ban all pornography lest some pure, innocent mind should come across documentary evidence that there's more to sex than having a baby." Bullshit on a stick, Mable. What you object to is the idea that people in your town are doing something in private that makes your neurosis flare up. Oh dear! Someone masturbating in the privacy of their own home might make your precious, hypersensitive (and imaginary) God upset. Same goes for your argument against gay marriage, and let's be honest for a second, prostitution. It's one thing to decide for yourself that seeing other people have sex (and enjoy it) is beyond your comfort zone, but what you are doing in your attempt to criminalize these things is inflicting your insecurities on other people. Let me clue you in. I'm not in your club, hence, I am not subject to its bylaws. Other people's freedom will always be more sacred than your religious prudishness.
The race against the bread and the milk.
"Hmmm, I feel like treating myself to a nice dinner. I read that the new Mexican place down the street is really good and pretty reasonably priced. I should go check it out.... Wait, no. I got that bread at home. I guess I better go home and make sandwiches before it goes bad.... Fuckin' sandwiches again."
Apologetics: The religious notion that when a holy book says something that is clearly wrong, it's not wrong, and that when it says something clearly contradictory, it's not contradictory, and when it says something clearly immoral, it's not actually immoral, and when it says something so astoundingly stupid that even the most credulous fundamentalist has to back away, the Bible was just being poetic, or words with a meanings as clear as "the dog is brown" don't really mean "the," "dog," "is," or "brown." "Stone disobedient children to death? No, no! The Bible was just being metaphorical!" Sure it was.... So, what was that a metaphor for?
Blatantly dishonest creationist debating tactics. I debate with Creationists a lot, and it always strikes me as hilariously ironic how quickly they reach for big fat lies and transparently fallacious arguments to make their case. Not once do they say, "Creationism is a scientific fact, and here's the evidence," and then show actual evidence. They will whip out an argument from ignorance (God of the gaps), elaborate with an argument from incredulity (intelligent design), try to knock down evolution with quote mining and straw man arguments ("You think <modern animal A> just one day turned into <distantly related modern animal B>?"), assuming that if evolution falls, creationism wins by default (fallacy of false alternatives), ad populum arguments, demand impossible amounts of evidence of impossibly strong quality while providing no evidence at all for their own case, use red herrings, use special pleading ("For something to exist it has to be made by an intentional agent.... unless the something is God"), use the "you can't attack my position since I won't tell you what it is" game described farther down, misrepresent facts and statistics (I.E. "most scientists are actually creationists" or "science has yet to find a single transitional fossil"), make ad hominem attacks, redefine words (when Genesis says the universe was made in 6 days, the days could have been of indeterminate length), move the goalposts ("There's no transitional fossils." "Really? Here's 20 examples." "Yeah, but where are the fossils transitioning between THOSE fossils?"), then reach for non-sequiturs like, "If God didn't make the universe, there would be no morals," constantly change the subject when asked hard questions, make arguments from authority, loads and loads of unsupported assertions, arguments from personal "revelation" (if you can't demonstrate your "proof" to anyone else, it's not proof), beg the question, reuse previously debunked arguments and previously answered questions while ignoring the fact that they are previously debunked or answered, make arguments based on their misunderstanding of scientific concepts like the 2nd law of thermodynamics or the theory of relativity, copy-paste plagiarized bullshit from apologetics websites, and on and on and on....
And the most perplexing thing to me is, if the concept of Creationism is so clearly true as to be "obvious," why do they use absolutely nothing but intellectually dishonest debating tactics to defend it? One would think something true would be better defended by truth, no? If you are going to attempt any of the arguments above, you HAVE to know you're being dishonest by using them, and if YOU know you're being dishonest, and Creationism can only be defended with lies and fallacies... WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU A CREATIONIST? If there is a God who is all knowing, surely HE knows you're lying, and don't actually believe what you're saying. Do you think the doctrine of Christianity is to PRETEND to believe shit you don't actually believe is true?
Polls where they skew the results by giving slanted questions. This douche Bishop in the Catholic Church denies the Holocaust and says there is no evidence to support it. The Pope gave a wishy-washy denunciation of the incident, and said that the guy can't be a Bishop until he recants. This ultra-conservative Catholic website had a poll.
"Do you believe in freedom of speech?"
[] Yes
[] No
....as though that was really the issue at hand.
The same website later had another poll. In New York, as part of the unconstitutional "Faith based initiatives" BS, the Catholic Church was receiving government money to help the poor. Then they were caught discriminating against homosexuals by refusing to distribute this aid money to them, on the basis of sexual preference, which is illegal. The poll was worded like this:
"Do you believe the Church should be forced to comply with an immoral law?"
[] Yes
[] No
Don't want to give up your right to discriminate? Don't fucking take government money and you can hate whoever you want. Want government money? Then you don't get to discriminate against people. That's the way it works, shit for brains.
The way the media completely forgot that Michael Jackson was a lunatic who fucked teenage boys the day he died.
Theists who tell me that my atheism is a religion. Sure it is, in much the same way as not playing baseball is a sport.
Unabashed cocksucker assholes on forums whose avatar is some movie, TV or anime character who is an unabashed cocksucker asshole in whatever show they're in.
Online stores that can't sell you a light bulb without 4 email confirmations and a monthly newsletter for years.
Cliff Notes Fundie Christians. These people believe that every word of the Bible is true and written by the creator of the universe, which is ironic since they have never quite managed to read the Bible themselves, occasionally with the exception of a few verses recommended to them by their pastors.
In the beginning, God created everything in like a week or something. Then he made Adam and Eve (not Steve) and Eve made Adam eat an apple 'cause the Devil told her to. Then God made a worldwide flood which killed all the bad people and dinosaurs and that's where fossils come from. All the animals were saved on a boat, which is amazing, because there are literally hundreds of different species of animals.
Then Jesus was born of a virgin and people far and wide all immediately accepted him as the son of God.
Then Jesus wrote the Ten Commandments, the source of all human morality.
1. Thou shalt not have any other God
2. Thou shalt not kill
3. Thou shalt not lie
4. Thou shalt not... Uhhh.... Oh! Thou shalt not commit adultery
5. God hates fags
6. You can't go to heaven unless you believe in Jesus
7. Uhhh...... Hmmm.... Well, the Ten Commandments are really important and you should always obey all of them or you're evil. Uhhh... I'll come back to the Ten Commandments.
Then the Jews killed Jesus on the cross so he could forgive our sins, and on Easter he rose up and went to Heaven. Oh wait! I forgot! Jesus also had some disciples. John, Peter, Matthew, uhhh, Moses, uhhh... I think that's it. I better go Google it later.
In the end, Jesus will come back to earth and kill all the liberals and Jews and communists and gays. Look. It's totally true. Even Nostradamus said so.
On October 26th, the news reported the death of TV "funny man" Soupy Sales. His manager said of him, "Soupy was the last of the great TV comics when you talk about Ernie Kovacs, Red Skelton, right down to Howdy Doody." Yeah.... the LAST of the great TV comics.... You know, because modern TV comics are still struggling to surpass the pinnacle of comedic genius, the pie in the face. Go fuck yourself.
The sad truth of the environmental movement.
Don't get me wrong. I wish that every lake and stream and field and the air was completely untouched by human pollution, but sadly, the only way the environment could go back to the way it was before human technology is if we wipe ourselves out.
What's goofy about environmentalism is that many people take it to the level of a religion. Let's say you go from the cradle to the grave constantly trying to minimize your carbon footprint. You avoid using paper when possible, you recycle everything that comes into your house that can be recycled. You eat an organic vegetarian diet since it does less harm to the environment. You wear only natural fibers colored with natural pigments. You use natural cleaning and hygiene products that do a shittier job for twice the money. You ride a bike instead of a car. You compost. You plant trees. You go to protests against big polluting companies. You give yourself and others guilt every time someone is hurting the environment more than a wild animal could. Essentially, you spend your life until your dying day being ashamed of your species, but it's okay, right? You made the world a better place, right? Sure you did. And then 3M or Dow or Exxon or Procter and Gamble farts out as much pollution in one second as you would have in a thousand lifetimes if you weren't even trying to conserve.
People who get mad at you for accurately following the incorrect instructions they gave you.
"Meet me at 42nd Street and Broadway at 7."
You go to 42nd and Broadway, and even show up like 15 minutes early. At 7:15 they are still not there, but that's still reasonable since the trains sometimes fuck up. You decide to call them.
"Hello? I'm here. You okay?"
"What the fuck?! I've been here for 45 minutes!"
"You said to meet you at 7. I've been here a while. I don't see you."
"Well I'm standing right here at the Port Authority! Where are you?"
"I'm at 42nd and Broadway like you said."
"I don't see you!"
"Well that's because you're on 8th Avenue, which is like a quarter mile away."
"Oh."
Then they're still mad at you.
Uncreative assclowns whose 2009 Halloween costume is Austin Powers.
Oh, and on a side note, if you have to tell people what your costume is, your costume sucks.
Other douchey costumes include, but are not limited to: "Guy who goes as a giant vagina," "Guy who goes as a giant penis," "Guy whose whole costume is a hat/glasses/wig/tie/mustache or any other single piece of lazy flair," "Socially awkward guy who clearly spent at least a thousand dollars on his movie quality costume," "Catwoman," "Girl who goes as sexy <insert any career here>," "Fat, geeky girl who goes as some anime character that only she and perverted 40 year old Japanese guys know about."
IPhone games that make it into the iTunes top 10 that sell for over 5 bucks that you wouldn't play for free if they were Flash games on some website.
Products that try to mimic successful products but don't do it as well and charge comparable or even more money.
"Sayyyy, I see you eyeing that Flip videocamera."
"Yeah, it's 200 bucks, really small, simple to use, and the quality is decent for stuff like YouTube and whatnot."
"Yeah, but I bet you've never seen this new Vid-o-tronic!"
"How much is it?"
"Well, it's $350, but isn't it cool?"
"Mmm.... It's kinda big."
"Well, uhhh, yes, well, you can't really slip it in a pocket, but we have this nice bag for it."
"And how much is that?"
"Only $40."
"And uhhh, does it shoot in HD?"
"Well, no..... But look. It comes in a wide array of colors!"
"Yeah, uhh, the Flip does too."
"Ohh! And it's got zoom!"
"Yeah, so does the Flip."
"Hmmm..... Look! It has this nice view screen which-"
"Yeah, so does the Flip. What's the file format?"
"Pardon?"
"The videos. Are they avi, mp4, wmv, mov, what?"
"Oh, uhhh, they go on tape, which you have to transfer using software and a cable-"
"Which, let me guess.... 40 bucks."
"45."
"Yeah, uhhh, how about no."
Signatures. It's the 21st century. You mean to tell me we seriously can't think of a better way of verifying identity than a messy scribble that doesn't even look like a word?
The doubly fallacious argument many religious people make against atheism that "most people in the world are religious." First off, even if everyone on the planet believes something, that doesn't make it true, and you are ignoring the glaring fact that all religions are blasphemies to each other. Whatever religion you belong to, most people in the world think you are denying the one true religion, which, conveniently, is their own.
"We are people of faith!"
"Yeah, but your god is a false god, and my god said I should kill or convert people who don't believe in him, and let's be honest, killing is always more expedient."
If your only point is "the majority of people in the world have a religion," then you are right, but you ignore the fact that whatever your religion is, it is a minority religion.
Creationist who want schools to "teach the controversy."
"Lots of Americans don't believe in evolution, and if the schools are gonna teach evolution, then they should have to teach 'intelligent design,' too, and let the kids decide for themselves. Never mind the fact that we wouldn't want to let our kids decide for themselves how to wear their hair or how to dress or who to date or which political party to support."
"Hear hear! And we Flat Earthers want our theory taught too!"
"Yeah! And we want science class to teach our kids that the world sits on the back of a giant turtle!"
"You idiot, it's the universe that sits on the back of a giant turtle!"
"Yes! And we Seveners think that the sum of any two numbers is seven!"
"And we believe that all rain is a giant's pee!"
"And we believe the earth is really a giant egg! Teach the controversy!"
Retards who think that the moon landing was a hoax, and in particular, morons who came to this conclusion not by evidence, but by the stupid assumption that if the government says X is true, that means X is necessarily false.
1. Enter bathroom
2. Pull down pants and sit on the toilet
3. Take a shit
4. Wipe
5. Pull up pants
6. ________
7. Wash hands
8. Leave bathroom
People who can't remember what step 6 is. And let's be honest. People who can't remember step 6 probably think 7 (and maybe 5) are totally optional. Oh, and if you're still trying to figure it out... FUCKING FLUSH, YOU FILTHY FUCK.
Girls who follow the following formulas:
Are girl B's tits larger or better looking than mine?
If yes, then, "Pfft. Those are implants."
Is girl B skinnier than me?
If yes, then, "Pfft. She's definitely got an eating disorder."
Is girl B prettier or more apparently happy and social than me?
If yes, then, "Pfft. She's a total slut."
Creationist retards who attempt an ad-hominem attack against evolution in the form of: "Yeah, well that's how the Nazis justified killing Jews. They used Darwin to justify their belief that the Jews were an inferior race." Yeah, you know, because nobody was a racist before Darwin published "On the Origin of Species," and nobody had messed with the Jews before the Nazis...... right? Guys?
"Friends" who try to rip you off.
"Well, I better head out. Let's get our bar tab. Hmm. Let's see... $160 bucks. Just give me 80. I'll get my half plus the tip."
"80? I had three beers, dude."
All those panicked 2012 "Mayan calendar end of the world" retards who will suddenly have amnesia when nothing happens.
"....5.....4.....3.....2......1..... Happy New Year! 2013!!!!! Wooo!"
"So?....."
"..... So.... Happy New Year! ..... What?"
Little League Baseball. You know, nothing builds character like your parents giving you shit because you want to quit because they paid a bunch of money and you don't want to play because a bunch of nine year olds call you a faggot because you're scared of the ball, due in no small part to the fact that you have a dark, three inch circular bruise on your thigh from getting pegged by the other team's pitcher, who is the coach's son and looks suspiciously like he's 17.
Those days when you get over constipation. You take a shit in the morning that is the same size, texture, hardness, color and weight as a hand grenade, and then 3-4 times that day you take subsequent shits that are the size of a toddler's leg.
The illogical bullshit contradiction in all of the three big monotheisms where you have a God, who is supposedly omniscient and omnipresent and eternal, and who is supposedly the designer of human nature, who is constantly surprised, perplexed and outraged by human actions.
"Dude! What the fuck, man?! I fucking TOLD you not to eat that fruit! Why would you do that? Now I'm going to have to punish all mankind! Are you happy now? I hope it was tasty. Pfff, well yeah, I let it grow there, and made you incurably curious, but how was I supposed to know you were gonna fuck with it? Man!"
Retards who don't understand how the burden of proof works.
"Well, prove that Allah ISN'T the one true God."
Debaters who are as deeply biased as you can get who make a plea for you to be open minded.
"Don't let your bias blind you from the irrefutable fact that Allah is the One True God, Mohammed was his messenger, and anyone who believes otherwise is a deluded infidel."
Oh yeah, that's an even-handed, dispassionate assessment of reality.
Friday, 5:12pm: "Hey, man, have a great vacation. Get some rest and don't even think about this place for the next two weeks. Enjoy yourself."
Monday, 8:16am: "Hello, sorry to bother you. I didn't wake you, did I? Sorry. I was just wondering if you placed an order for office supplies. No? Do you have the phone number for the vendor? Thanks."
Monday, 8:22am: "Hello. Yeah, sorry to bother you again. You didn't happen to have the account number did you? Can you look it up for me? Thanks."
Monday, 10:07am: "Hello. Could I send you a spreadsheet? We are trying to figure out something and maybe you can make sense of it."
Monday, 11:35am..... Monday, 1:03pm..... Monday, 2:23pm....
People who sit on shit that is clearly too flimsy to sit on.
"Oh, hey! It's a wobbly antique table with inch thick legs made of wood that has been getting dryer and dryer for the last hundred years. It would probably be close to breaking if I put anything heavier than a half-full cup of coffee on it, but I think I'll just plant my ass and all my weight on it. What could go wrong?"
People who prove you right. I generally think of myself as pretty liberal. I try not to be prejudiced and not to judge a book by its cover. So I see some guy and my first instinct is, "Hey, that guy looks like a criminal." But I try to suppress that urge, and try to give him the benefit of the doubt. "He can't help what his face looks like. He might be a great guy," I guiltily say to myself. Then a couple of days later I go to work and the guy's not there.
"Where's Dave?"
"Oh, you didn't hear? Oh my God! He went to jail for raping a 15 year old!"
"Goddamnit," I think to myself.
Gold Bond Powder's bright fucking orange container. Just what I need. Total strangers can see my translucent Duane Reade bag from half a block away and think, "Boy, I bet that guy has some sweaty balls."
People who think of the south as a sort of local place where everyone knows each other.
"Oh, you're from Kentucky? Really? My sister in law is from South Carolina."
Wow, your sister is from 450 miles away? What a fucking coincidence! Are you retarded?
Those retards on airplanes who think it's ok to take your seat. You're stuck in the terminal waiting to get on board as they call platinum premium, gold premium, premium, first class, people with disabilities, people with children, people with children with disabilities, group 1, group 2, group 3, and finally general boarding, then you move down the aisle at a snail's pace because the fucks with children are taking for-fucking-ever, and you finally get to your seat, 24C, and there is some fuck sitting in it. How is this okay?
"Excuse me."
"Huh?"
"That's my seat."
"Oh, sorry. I'm a retarded asshole who thinks they put my seat number on my ticket as a polite suggestion."
That cheapass kid on the Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, King of Fighters, etc machine. The little fuck hogs the machine for hours and beats people in the cheapest way possible.
You pop in your money...
"FIGHT!" Fireball, fireball, fireball, uppercut, fireball, fireball, fireball, uppercut! "You lose!"
Next guy...
"FIGHT!" Fireball, fireball, fireball, uppercut, fireball, fireball, fireball, uppercut! "You lose!"
Boy, that sure took a lot of skill! I'm sure that really felt as rewarding on the first guy as on the 50th. Eat shit.
People who call you trying to get a hold of your coworker during off hours.
"Hi, uhh, yeah, I uhh, was trying to get a hold of Dave."
"So call Dave. It's six in the morning. It's not like he's sitting at a desk next to me."
"Yeah, uhh, he's not picking up."
"Well, then I guess you're shit outta luck."
"Could you call him?"
"Pffff, NO. Either he's screening you, which at this moment I can fully relate to, and in which case he will then be annoyed at me for calling on your behalf, or maybe he's just not answering his phone, due in no small part to the fact that it's SIX IN THE FUCKING MORNING."
"Hmmm, maybe Sarah can get a hold of him."
"Yeah, make everyone in the office hate you."
"You're not helpful."
"I'm helpful after I punch in, dickfart. You aren't looking for helpful. You're looking for an enabler. Fuck you."
People on Facebook, Myspace or Twitter who use their "status" to fight with someone, and thus obliquely let everyone know way-too-personal details about their private lives.
Janice: is crushed.
Janice: thinks some people need to grow up.
Janice: thinks some people need to learn to be honest with themselves, then maybe they can be honest with others.
Janice: is feeling free.
Janice: doesn't understand why some people have to be such assholes.
Christians who attempt to co-opt scientific discoveries to rationalize a belief in their god.
"Well sure I believe in the Big Bang. That was the method God used to create the universe!"
Really? Well, let's just look that up in the Bible, shall we? Gee, that's funny. The Bible doesn't say anything about the expansion of the universe. In fact, the Bible seems to state that the universe was created only a few thousand years ago, and that the sky is a solid dome over a flat earth, and that the earth sits on pillars immovable, and that the stars are tiny and attached to the solid sky and can fall to the ground. I don't see any implication of a vast, ancient universe that is expanding anywhere. "Well yeah, I believe in evolution. That's the mechanism God used to get all the diversity from the life he initially created."
Hmmmm, let's go back and see what the Bible has to say on the subject. Wow. Apparently the people who wrote the Bible think that people initially came from dirt and ribs less than a week after the creation of the universe. Pfff, well that's fucking obviously wrong. If an account in a book says ABC happened, and in reality XYZ happened, and ABC didn't happen... that would kinda mean that the book is fucking wrong, wouldn't it?
Sorta related to the post above... What the fuck is the deal with Biblical apologists saying something in the Bible is literal when it's correct, and metaphorical when it's wrong. Like, the Bible can say something with a meaning as perfectly clear as, "The dog is brown," and if, as in the case of six day creation, it's clearly wrong, apologists will be like, "Well, it all depends on how you look at it. You have to know when it's being metaphorical. It's not wrong." Uhhh, it fucking IS wrong, and there's no other way to read it. If it says "On the first day XYZ happened," that doesn't mean, "Well it might not literally mean a day, it might mean millions or billions of years." Bullshit on a stick.
Perhaps the only thing more irritating than a slow fuck in front of you is a slow fuck that you are leading.
"Right this way." Then you walk 30 feet and turn around and they're 20 feet behind you. See, when some retard is puttering along in front of you on the sidewalk, you just elbow him in the base of the skull, step on him when his face hits the cement, and you go about your day. When you are leading one of these shitheads, they can just stroll along at the pace of a three-toed sloth, playing with their Blackberry, picking their nose, and enjoying the scenery, and who gives a fuck what you have to do today?
Something I have noticed. Politicians of all stripes have sex scandals. If you want an example of a politician cheating on his wife with a woman hotter than his wife, that's trivially easy to find. If you want a sex scandal where a politician is using taxpayer money to pay for a house where he has dogfights and sells unregistered guns to Bolivian drug cartels and does crystal meth with underage tranny midget boys and rapes them and lets the dogs rape and maul them... That takes a Republican... And the more the guy claims to be a Bible-believing born again Christian, the more severe the crime will be.
I just passed an advertisement seeking donations for some public educational service.
"Help Rabekah graduate."
Sure, I'll help. The first thing she needs to do is learn how to spell her name, because that is not how you spell Rebecca.
"Excuuuuuse me. Can you help me? Do you know how to get to James Street? What's today's date? Do you have a light? What train do I take to get to Union Square? Do you know where this address is? What's the zip code here? Can I have a quarter? What day is it? What street is this? Does this street go to James Street?"
Look. Fuck you. Get your shit together. The reason other people exist on this planet is not just so you can wander through life not having the slightest idea where you are and what's going on. Like my watch? It's nothing special. You too can have one just like it for a very reasonable cost. I didn't buy it just in case I should chance to bump into your clueless ass and give you the time.
Rule: If you are debating, you aren't allowed to make arguments that use simple words that you can't even fucking pronounce. You hear me, "Kabane the Christian?" It's "special PLEADING," not "special pledding," retard.
People who you have to share office computer resources with who make passwords so absurdly strong that there is no way you will ever remember them.
"What's the password for the purchasing program?"
"Oh, it's 0ph9Cg4j31Hf6DpL9."
People who think they are making a logical, rational argument because they repeatedly SAY their illogical, irrational assertions are logical and rational.
"Well, logically, the universe had to have a first cause, and logically we should assume that such a cause would be all powerful and all knowing, so it's just rational to assume that the God of the Bible is real."
No, it's not logical. You just made a bunch of unsupported assertions without any supporting evidence, and that shit doesn't fly.
Unstable jobs where everything is in a constant state of flux, where you can go months or even years never feeling like you can take the financial risk of ordering an extra topping on your pizza.
Jan 12: "This email is to inform you that our company has been bought out by another company."
Jan 30: "Please welcome your new boss."
Feb 17: "Please welcome this new person. Please assist us by training them to do your job."
Mar 1: "Please welcome your new new boss."
Mar: 15 "We will be combining your department with another department."
Mar 27: "Due to the recent combining of departments, we will be laying off redundant positions. Please report to HR for a performance review."
Apr 10: "We are pleased to announce our merger with our competitor."
Apr 12: "Due to our recent merger, we will be laying off redundant positions. Please report to HR for a performance review."
Apr 18: "Please welcome your new new new boss."
Jan 30: "Please welcome your new boss."
Feb 17: "Please welcome this new person. Please assist us by training them to do your job."
Mar 1: "Please welcome your new new boss."
Mar: 15 "We will be combining your department with another department."
Mar 27: "Due to the recent combining of departments, we will be laying off redundant positions. Please report to HR for a performance review."
Apr 10: "We are pleased to announce our merger with our competitor."
Apr 12: "Due to our recent merger, we will be laying off redundant positions. Please report to HR for a performance review."
Apr 18: "Please welcome your new new new boss."
And on and on it goes, and two years of not going on trips, not buying anything nice and eating cheap later, you're still employed, but still feel like you could lose your job any day.
Theists whose strongest argument against atheism is that if there's no God, that would be sad. Uhhhh..... tough shit. "But what meaning could life have if there's no God?" Uhhh, if your life would be meaningless if the highly improbable God Hypothesis is wrong, then it's entirely possible that you are leading a meaningless existence.
Theists whose strongest argument against atheism is that if there's no God, there's no moral standard.
"But if there's no God, what is there to stop me from murdering you and having sex with your dismembered corpse?"
Uhhhh, did you just tell me what you want to do to me, and would do if you thought there would be no eternal punishment for it? Time to state the obvious again. If you would be immoral without God, YOU ARE IMMORAL.
Guys who think they are being original, not retarded, by wearing business suits that look fucking wacky. Oh, yeah, you look awesome in that beige suit with white lapels, red pin stripes and a powder blue tie on a mint green shirt with royal blue shoes.
Advertisements for big corporate brands that play the hometown angle. Like they make some dumbass pandering appeal to some stupid local interest or way of life specific to the locale.
"Almost as sharp as the Razorbacks! Gillette!"
"It's as refreshing as finding an empty seat on this crowded subway! Pepsi!"
Creationists who "love" science until the second it begins to subject any of their cherished beliefs to even the most trivial scientific scrutiny.
Safe food? "Yay, science!"
Clean water? "Yay, science!"
Medicine, diagnosis, radiology? "Yay, science!"
Surgeries, organ transplants, artificial organs? "Yay, science!"
Dentistry, orthodontics, periodontics, tooth whitening? "Yay, science!"
Electricity? "Yay, science!"
Cars, planes, trains, motorcycles, helicopters, boats? "Yay, science!"
Plastics and polymers? "Yay, science!"
Global telecommunications? "Yay, science!"
Digital cable TV with DVR? "Yay, science!"
The internet, cell phones, iPods, computers, video games, PSP's, GPS, etc. etc? "Yay, science!"
Nuclear energy? "Yay, science!"
Space exploration? "Yay, science!"
Hmmmm... It seems like there's loads of strong evidence to support the idea that the universe and planet are much older than was previously thought, and that all organisms on this planet share common origins.
"Well, you can't just put all your faith in science."
July 10, 2009's example of deep, hard-hitting journalism comes from CNN.com, where the third article on the main page is titled "Psychics see magic in Michael Jackson's life." Among the comments in the article, "He's an old soul," "His was a 'six life path,' meaning he was magnetic and drew people to him. That, coupled with the fact that he was born on a two day made him irresistible," "Psychic Eddie Connor believes Jackson will be reincarnated within the next 20 years." Of course, when you make an article this preposterous it pays to have a voice of reason and skepticism to even it out so you don't look like you have lost all journalistic integrity. At this point they would bring in Michael Shermer or James Randi or something to make the story more even handed, right? Well, not exactly. Their "skeptic" is Jack Rourke. "Jack Rourke said no reputable medium or psychic will try to contact Jackson for at least six months." OH! WELL OF COURSE! I mean, this is science, right? Six months! That's the minimum time before you can talk to him! Anyone claiming that they are TALKING TO THE SPIRIT OF MICHAEL JACKSON earlier than six months from now is obviously full of shit! Not like REPUTABLE psychics like Jack Rourke. That guy is a pro! Hey, Jack, can we talk to the spirit of Michael Jackson yet? "Not til after December 25th. That's the cool-down time. Anyone you want to talk to who was dead before January 10th? OH! I can do that for you, because I am a reputable psychic."
What the fuck.
Guys from Brooklyn who only speak English, but speak it with such a thick accent you have no fucking clue what language they are speaking.
"Yap-a-dap. Bezzinidap. Jib-a-j'bezz!"
"What?"
"J'bezz! Yap-a-dap. Zezzbregap... Please, y'kno."
Then you think, "Huh? 'Please?' Holy shit. He's speaking english!"
Busy Bee coworkers who seem to only exist to make everyone around them look like slackers.
Boss: "Good morning. I hope you guys had a good weekend. Get into anything interesting?"
You: "I had a few friends over. We had a little barbecue and it was nice. Got a little sunburned. Then Sunday I saw that Michael Bay movie. You know, the one with all those giant CGI explosions."
Boss: "Oh yeah. That one."
Busy Bee: "Yeah, I had some free time, so I spent most of the weekend reworking our cost analysis spreadsheets from scratch. They weren't really giving me the data I wanted, so now it's more streamlined, so you can see how all the items in our expenses track back to orders, and how the cost is recovered and how much profit or loss there is per hour, day, week, month and year."
People who can't just get dumped without turning into a fucked up psychopath.
Tuesday, 7:30pm: "You know, I have been thinking... We've been seeing each other for like 6 weeks, and you're really focused on your job, and I'm really focused on my job, and I feel like we don't really see enough of each other to really have a relationship, and I think the best thing would be to cut our losses now before it gets serious and one of us gets hurt. I like you a lot and hope we can still get along."
Theists whose strongest argument against atheism is that if there's no God, that would be sad. Uhhhh..... tough shit. "But what meaning could life have if there's no God?" Uhhh, if your life would be meaningless if the highly improbable God Hypothesis is wrong, then it's entirely possible that you are leading a meaningless existence.
Theists whose strongest argument against atheism is that if there's no God, there's no moral standard.
"But if there's no God, what is there to stop me from murdering you and having sex with your dismembered corpse?"
Uhhhh, did you just tell me what you want to do to me, and would do if you thought there would be no eternal punishment for it? Time to state the obvious again. If you would be immoral without God, YOU ARE IMMORAL.
Guys who think they are being original, not retarded, by wearing business suits that look fucking wacky. Oh, yeah, you look awesome in that beige suit with white lapels, red pin stripes and a powder blue tie on a mint green shirt with royal blue shoes.
Advertisements for big corporate brands that play the hometown angle. Like they make some dumbass pandering appeal to some stupid local interest or way of life specific to the locale.
"Almost as sharp as the Razorbacks! Gillette!"
"It's as refreshing as finding an empty seat on this crowded subway! Pepsi!"
Creationists who "love" science until the second it begins to subject any of their cherished beliefs to even the most trivial scientific scrutiny.
Safe food? "Yay, science!"
Clean water? "Yay, science!"
Medicine, diagnosis, radiology? "Yay, science!"
Surgeries, organ transplants, artificial organs? "Yay, science!"
Dentistry, orthodontics, periodontics, tooth whitening? "Yay, science!"
Electricity? "Yay, science!"
Cars, planes, trains, motorcycles, helicopters, boats? "Yay, science!"
Plastics and polymers? "Yay, science!"
Global telecommunications? "Yay, science!"
Digital cable TV with DVR? "Yay, science!"
The internet, cell phones, iPods, computers, video games, PSP's, GPS, etc. etc? "Yay, science!"
Nuclear energy? "Yay, science!"
Space exploration? "Yay, science!"
Hmmmm... It seems like there's loads of strong evidence to support the idea that the universe and planet are much older than was previously thought, and that all organisms on this planet share common origins.
"Well, you can't just put all your faith in science."
July 10, 2009's example of deep, hard-hitting journalism comes from CNN.com, where the third article on the main page is titled "Psychics see magic in Michael Jackson's life." Among the comments in the article, "He's an old soul," "His was a 'six life path,' meaning he was magnetic and drew people to him. That, coupled with the fact that he was born on a two day made him irresistible," "Psychic Eddie Connor believes Jackson will be reincarnated within the next 20 years." Of course, when you make an article this preposterous it pays to have a voice of reason and skepticism to even it out so you don't look like you have lost all journalistic integrity. At this point they would bring in Michael Shermer or James Randi or something to make the story more even handed, right? Well, not exactly. Their "skeptic" is Jack Rourke. "Jack Rourke said no reputable medium or psychic will try to contact Jackson for at least six months." OH! WELL OF COURSE! I mean, this is science, right? Six months! That's the minimum time before you can talk to him! Anyone claiming that they are TALKING TO THE SPIRIT OF MICHAEL JACKSON earlier than six months from now is obviously full of shit! Not like REPUTABLE psychics like Jack Rourke. That guy is a pro! Hey, Jack, can we talk to the spirit of Michael Jackson yet? "Not til after December 25th. That's the cool-down time. Anyone you want to talk to who was dead before January 10th? OH! I can do that for you, because I am a reputable psychic."
What the fuck.
Guys from Brooklyn who only speak English, but speak it with such a thick accent you have no fucking clue what language they are speaking.
"Yap-a-dap. Bezzinidap. Jib-a-j'bezz!"
"What?"
"J'bezz! Yap-a-dap. Zezzbregap... Please, y'kno."
Then you think, "Huh? 'Please?' Holy shit. He's speaking english!"
Busy Bee coworkers who seem to only exist to make everyone around them look like slackers.
Boss: "Good morning. I hope you guys had a good weekend. Get into anything interesting?"
You: "I had a few friends over. We had a little barbecue and it was nice. Got a little sunburned. Then Sunday I saw that Michael Bay movie. You know, the one with all those giant CGI explosions."
Boss: "Oh yeah. That one."
Busy Bee: "Yeah, I had some free time, so I spent most of the weekend reworking our cost analysis spreadsheets from scratch. They weren't really giving me the data I wanted, so now it's more streamlined, so you can see how all the items in our expenses track back to orders, and how the cost is recovered and how much profit or loss there is per hour, day, week, month and year."
People who can't just get dumped without turning into a fucked up psychopath.
Tuesday, 7:30pm: "You know, I have been thinking... We've been seeing each other for like 6 weeks, and you're really focused on your job, and I'm really focused on my job, and I feel like we don't really see enough of each other to really have a relationship, and I think the best thing would be to cut our losses now before it gets serious and one of us gets hurt. I like you a lot and hope we can still get along."
8:30pm to 4am: At least 25 crying, screaming phone calls.
Wednesday, 7:30am: Calm apologetic phone call making an attempt at a rational appeal not to break up.
7:35am-8:45am: Angry, screaming phone calls.
9:00am-10:45am: Office phone rings, caller hangs up, about 30 times.
11:00am: Boss calls you into his office to discuss a phone call he received from a woman claiming that you beat and raped her.
11:12am: Boss tells you to take a half day to go home and get your personal affairs in order. In reality, you're probably fired.
11:15am: Walk out to the company parking lot to find every window of your car smashed out.
12:05pm: Arrive home to find two windows of your house smashed out, and a police cruiser in the driveway. The police officer serves you with a restraining order.
12:15pm: Find all of your clothes burning in the oven.
12:25: Find your computer completely wiped clean except for a video of your ex-girlfriend sucking some other guy's dick... Filmed today.
2:00pm: The phone rings and a tender voice says, "I miss you, baby."
People who say, "An historic occasion." An? Did I miss a meeting about changing the rules for using "A" instead of "AN" before a word starting with a consonant sound? I even hear newscasters use this phrase, and, uh, they're fucking WRONG. I could almost understand if we all had cockney accents and pronounced it as "'istoric," but we DON'T. You don't say "AN hamster" or "AN helicopter" or "AN hamburger" or "AN hand job" ... Well, you might if you are retarded, but that's beside the point.
Idiots who think "Uh-huh" or "MmHmm" mean the same thing as "Huh?"
"Which car? The red one?"
"Uh-huh."
"The red one?"
"MmHmm."
"Which one?"
"THE RED ONE, SHIT FOR BRAINS!"
Fuckers who give you a FAX number and everytime you try to fax something you hear, "Ring..... Ring..... Ring..... Hello? Beeeeep Hello? ...Beeeeep.... Hello? Click."
People over the age of five who still haven't figured out that when someone is on the phone, it's not a good time to talk to them. It never fails. I'll be in my office on the phone and some moron comes in like, "Hey, I was thinking that maybe we should blah blah blah blah blah...." The fucker can clearly see that I'm on the phone but it doesn't stop him for a second, and then he expects some kind of answer other than, "I'm on the phone." He is completely surprised that that would be my response to his amazing brainstorm which I didn't even hear because I was straining to hear the person on the phone over the idiot's yammering. I will be sitting there, wincing, looking away from him, plugging my free ear with my finger, and the retard is totally confused. "Why would he be doing that? It's as though he doesn't want to hear what a genius I am. What a weirdo."
These retards who read my page and say shit like, "Wow! I love that guy. He reminds me so much of Ann Coulter." Did you strain yourself trying as hard as humanly possible to NOT GET IT in the most extreme way imaginable? Like, did you sit down and think, "Hmm, I totally miss the point, but somehow I still like it. I'm gonna see how far from getting it I can get"? Look. I say crass things. I am opinionated. I rib Canadians a little. I am not a xenophobic, homophobic, racist Christian supremacist fascist like Ann Coulter. I fail to see the novelty of her at all, other than to horny nazis who get hard when some bitchy bimbo spouts hatred in people's faces to the point that even the people she's spouting at just think that nobody could possibly be that stupid and backwards and that she's just trying to get a rise out if them. It's basically like, "Hi. I have blonde hair and tits, hence I can get away with saying things that Hitler would say because I look cuter in an evening gown than Pat Buchannan." The things she says are the things that many conservatives think, but are smart enough to never publish or speak into a microphone. If what you gleaned from my page was that I'm really great, just like Ann Coulter, then I'm truly sorry your parents dropped you on your head when you were a baby... from a second story window... and I'm even more sorry they didn't go up a few more floors.
More Germ Idiots. Last night I was on the subway. I was standing next to this victim of 80's retro and I coughed... ONCE. She literally threw up her hands and then made this very obvious show of getting away from me as quickly as possible, making sure to choose a route of escape where she had to say "excuse me" to as many people as possible to make sure everyone on the train knew that she was being horribly inconvenienced. As she reached the far end of the train, she turned around with her lip curled as high as she could curl it so she could sneer at me in disgust. If I had taken a shit in my hand and then started devouring the turd noisily, the natural reaction probably would not have been as severe as the contrived show of disgust that this bitch put on. How dare I have the audacity to cough within a 50 foot radius of the Queen of All Commuters? As she sneered at me, I reached in my pocket and pulled out my asthma inhaler and held it up for her to see. That's right, moron. You can't CATCH asthma. After only an instant, she understood the meaning. There was a look of recognition that replaced her look of disgust. As soon as the sneer was replaced by the look of "Oh," I extended my middle finger with the same hand that was holding the inhaler and her expression changed from disgust to "Oh" to "Fuck you" in a matter of three seconds. It was grand.
Customer Service voicemail boxes and email forms, particularly for little unimportant things like, oh, your banking or taxes, that tell you that you will receive a reply within 24 hours and then 24, and 48, and 72, and 96 hours go by and you don't hear SHIT. So then you go back and go through the whole phone / email merry-go-round again and STILL don't hear shit. "Welcome to Chase, where we strive for service excellence." FUCK YOU! If you strove for service excellence, I wouldn't have to pick from one of the following five options, then seven options, then three options, then enter my account number followed by the number sign, then the last six digits of my SS number, then GET A VOICEMAIL BOX that apparently NOBODY EVER CHECKS.
Doctors that use the clever little euphamism, "pressure." If your doctor tells you you're about to feel some pressure, just run. Run far and run fast. "Pressure" is their code word for "so much pain that you will break out in a cold sweat and lose consciousness." This is the kind of pain that when you remember it years later, your face twitches involuntarily and you feel a little sick.
McDonalds' retarded self-defeating ad campaigns. Today I saw an ad for their new "Chicken Selects" strips. The name alone is stupid, as if they're saying, "Remember those shitty McNuggets that only vaguely resembled meat? Well these are different. These are made as if someone is actually even paying attention to quality or something." The ad features happy looking people holding half eaten chicken strips with a delighted, surprised look on their faces, looking at the strip, and the caption, "Now I'm a believer." A believer? Why should there be doubt to defy? Like the person is surprised to have a new-found faith in McDonalds' ability to make food that doesn't taste like shit, as though making nonshitty food is a vast departure from all things McDonald's. "Wow! Now I'm a believer! McDonald's has renewed my hope that they could make a chicken-esque product that looks and tastes as though it might even be made from actual earthly animals... maybe even chickens!" Someone eats a fucking breaded chunk of meat that actually tastes good and they are amazed that something that doesn't taste like shit came from McDonalds. That is the message of this ad. Why in the fuck would McDonald's project this message about their own fucking company? "You know us as the maker of shitty, cheap-ass food that all tastes basically the same, but these strips are different." What's the punchline? They still taste like shitty McDonald's food. It's rare to go to any other resaurant that serves chicken strips and get something as shitty as McDonald's Chicken Selects. McDonald's has achieved something no other resaurant can match. They have done something truly unique. Every item on their menu tastes simultaneously overseasoned, and yet, completely bland, which defies any sort of logic.
Listerine commercials are just as stupid. They have this orange listerine and the mom comes home and says, "Hey kids, let's try the new orange Listerine!" and the CHILDREN RUN AND HIDE! What the FUCK? You're trying to SELL this product by showing that people ARE AFRAID OF IT? "Don't worry - It's less intense!" Oh, so your other products are so bad as to be FEARED? Great selling point. "Try our new orange flavored Listerine. It's not as horrifying as our mint flavor."
Update 2/20/06: I wrote this a while ago thinking that there was no way McDonalds could make a dumber ad than the one for their chicken strips. Today I found out that I had underestimated them. I was in McDonald's waiting in line when I saw another of their stand-up cardboard ad things posted next to the counter. It had two pictures - one of a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese and another under it for a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. I thought, "Oh, they must be highlighting their Quarter Pounder series of burgers or something." Then my eye caught the ad's hook. "Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese... Quarter Pounder with Cheese.... Wouldn't they be great.... TOGETHER?" What in the holy fucking hell? Are they trying to make someone puke? Seriously, after I eat a Double Whopper with Cheese, my thought is, "Crap. I'm really full. I hope I don't hurl." Not, "Hmmm... You know.... 1800 calories isn't quite enough for this meal. I think I'm gonna go up and buy another 1200 calories and then maybe have a heart attack in the parking lot."
People who completely grind to a halt when things don't turn out 100% perfect. The salad guy gets a ticket ordering a mixed green salad with grilled chicken. The waiter picks it up, takes it to the table, comes back with plate in hand and reports that the customer now wants a mixed green salad with grilled shrimp, not chicken. Anyone with half a brain at this point would think, "Ahh. The guy must have changed his mind. I'll get started on those shrimp so I can put this behind me."
What does this guy do? Does he just shrug it off and make the new salad? No. He looks dubiously at the waiter, then at the salad, then at the waiter, then at the salad, then at the ticket, then at the waiter, then at the ticket, then at the salad, then he pulls the ticket down, looks at it, shows it to the waiter, looks at the salad, looks at the ticket, shows it to the waiter again, looks at it, shows it to the head chef, looks at the salad, shows the salad to the head chef, who shrugs, starts interrogating the waiter, shows the ticket and the salad to the manager, then starts throwing a tantrum because, "HOW COULD THIS BE???" His mind is reeling with possibilities. "Did the customer change his mind? Did the salad look bad? Did the waiter fuck up the order? Did the customer have a speech impediment that makes chicken and shrimp sound the same? Maybe an alien spaceship is hovering over the restaurant and teleported the brain of someone who hates chicken into the customer's head...Fuckin' nobody is gonna pin this shit on ME!" Meanwhile, the guy is standing there stupified, paralyzed while the customer is sitting there with no food in front of him as the other people at the table are eating. The guy could have made four salads with shrimp by now, but, retard that he is, he's still trying to figure it out. How did this happen? WHO GIVES A SHIT?! MAKE THE FUCKING SALAD!
Stores that have double doors that only leave one of them unlocked and usable, so you have to guess which one you will be able to push without looking like a retard pushing on a locked door. What are you trying to do, use one door until it wears out and then switch to the "fresh" one?
Those weird motorcycles that are huge and have a trunk, a stereo, a big windshield, two nearly full-sized seats, loads of storage compartments, and sometimes even a little matching trailer. Doesn't that kind of defeat the whole purpose of getting a motorcycle? Just get a car, fucknuts.
The fact that "overlook" means "to ignore," yet "oversee" means "to pay attention to."
Adults who say 'Samwich' and 'Libary.' That shit is cute when you're SIX.
People who are totally confused politically who simply lash out at whatever random political group out of frustration, when they can't figure out the root of a problem that they believe needs to be fixed, or when the root of the problem is much closer to their own political beliefs than they are willing to admit. I just got done reading a very angry political rant on this guy's page. He was furious about the war in Iraq and wanted the immediate withdrawal of our troops. He thought the political process surrounding the war was being stalled and was rife with lies and deceit. He said many times that our reasons for getting into the war in the first place were based on lies and an underlying conspiracy to go into Iraq and take advantage of their oil production. Sound familiar? Sound like something you've heard before? Wait. You haven't heard the punchline. The group he holds 100% responsible for the war in Iraq, for al lthe deception, for all the political maneuvering that led us into the war, and stalling our withdrawal, the focus of this guy's rage.... Liberals.
Advertisers who use the 'Sex Sells' concept to the point that it's just stupid. I was on the train today and my eye was magnetized to a really nice set of tits on the full page ad in the newspaper of the person sitting across from me. My initial reaction was what you might expect. "Mmmmm.... Tits." Of course, the advertisers did their job, as they kept me staring at this generously filled bikini top for more than 1/100th of a second and made me wonder what they were hawking. "This is probably an ad for some travel agency or beach resort." Then my titty tunnel vision widened enough to see that this mostly naked hottie was holding a laptop computer, which is pretty fucking retarded in the first place. So now I was thinking, "Ahh, must be one of those hilarious dating website ads that use hot models to make horny idiots think that non-losers use the site, giving them the opportunity to date some super hot chick despite the fact that they make John Goodman look really attractive." Then I finally decided to let my eyes wander away from the tits long enough to actually read the ad text... "How to buy, sell, and profit on eBay." What the FUCK?!?! I mean, I could understand if the ad said, "How to sell your dirty panties on eBay to pathetic perverts," but it didn't. It was an ad for a book - a book for stupid people.
Those fucking irrelevant 90's alterna-crap bands that alterna-crap radio and MTV tried to force feed me for years as "Cutting Edge Musical Genius" and the "Sound of Things to Come" that I always despised and everyone else thought were amazing, and now nobody gives a shit about them, because guess what - they were all just meaningless trendy cookie-cutter pop music disguised with a pretentious goatee. Fuck REM, Belly, Toad the Wet Sprocket, 10,000 Maniacs, The Lemonheads, Jesus and the Mary Chain, Ben Folds Five, The Cranberries, The Cardigans, Blur, Everlast, Garbage, Oasis, Counting Crows, Hole, Temple of the Crap, Suede, Gus Gus, Goo Goo Dolls, Afghan Whigs, Sixpence None the Richer, Kid Rock, Depeche Mode, Fionna Apple, Smashing Pumpkins, The Verve, Creed, Supergrass, Soul Asylum, Third Eye Blind, Pulp, Ned's Atomic Dustbin, Smashmouth, The Smithereens, The Stone Roses, Morrissey, and all that other bullshit that sounds exactly the same as all of the above. I must say that I have to thank you for making your music as boring as fucking possible so people didn't stay interested in you enough to make you still relevant today. You were never alternative in the first place. You were just a slickly marketed different type of trendy, uninspired pop music and I'm glad you've all gone the way of MC Hammer, you airtime-wasting snore-fests. The only difference between Vanilla Ice and Evan Dando is that in 10 years people will remember Vanilla Ice. No doubt there will be idiots who go, "But wait! REM isn't irrelevant! They're still my favorite band!" Yes, but that's because you're a younger version of those idiots who are now in their 60's who think that nobody has yet matched the musical genius of the ultra-gimmick one-trick-pony pop band The Beach Boys. I remember watching 120 Minutes on MTV every Sunday night hoping to see something by Nine Inch Nails or Skinny Puppy or, heaven forbid, some punk rock or some band that was really awesome that I had never heard of before, but week after week, the 120th minute would roll by, and I would throw the remote at the TV and go to bed, pissed that MTV had the audacity to put shit like Alanis Morrissette, who was in the top 10 in the pop charts, on an ALTERNATIVE music show. What the fuck is "alternative" about a band that shitty corporate radio and MTV play every 10 minutes? Now I get to laugh as most of them weren't even memorable enough to warrant a 2 minute appearance on one of those absolutely pathetic "Where Are They Now" shows. When even those shows don't give a shit about you, I'm sorry to say, that's the bottom of the bottom - right where they all belong. "Welcome to Starbucks. May I take your order?" Yes, Evan Dando. Yes you may.
People who think that the fact that we live in the age of voicemail means that they will never have to actually ANSWER a phone ever again. You can see my number pop up on your little caller ID, and you let it go to voicemail and then check it, then call me back 2 minutes later. What the fuck? I can understand people who screen their calls so they don't have to deal with people they don't want to talk to, but if you're going to call right back, doesn't that defeat the purpose? Do you just not like saying "hello?" I really don't get it.
Comedians who become well known and even loved for telling the same jokes year after year. Your whole job is thinking up funny shit to say, and delivering it. If you never occasionally slow down to do the first part of that sentence, you sure as fuck don't deserve to be paid to just do the second part every night for the rest of your fucking life.
People who answer phones for a living who don't even understand how to operate an office phone.
*ring.....ring....* "Yeah? Who? Uhhh... Hang on. (scuffling noises as they cover the mouthpiece with their hand instead of putting you on hold or hitting mute) You there? Ok, Im'ma transfer you." *BOOP BOOP BOOP Click* (the sound of them punching number keys loudly in your ear and then hanging up on you.)
The way, when people have babies when they're over 50, all these idiots think it's an "amazing miracle." Great job. You're 55 and have a new baby. You'll probably be dead before he's out of high school, and then what will happen to him? This is only a bundle of joy for you, not for the future teenager at your funeral, learning all about misery and abandonment at an age that will greatly shape what kind of person he will become as an adult. Go ahead and have a baby, just because you either missed your chance when you were young or your first batch is grown up and has left home and you have that lonely empty nest feeling. Think only of your own want to cuddle a cute little baby, but don't worry too much about the fact that it's a human being that will probably end up screwed once you're gone. Fantasize that it will be easier to shape a young mind, now that you're older, wiser and more experienced, ignoring the extreme irony in your total lack of judgment, foresight and self restraint in having a baby when you should be in the final planning stages for retirement rather than planning for the future of a child whose wedding, college graduation, or perhaps even high school graduation you will never see. Feel a longing? Get a cat. A baby is not a pet. Oh, but you have life insurance, you say... Well that's good, because a monthly check is a fine substitution for parents. What an amazing miracle, you selfish motherfuckers.
People who want to come visit you who ask when is a good time, and you say that anytime is fine. Then they never come visit you and get annoyed and hold it against you that you never made time for them. What the fuck?
The fact that nobody jackhammers anything anywhere after 9am.
Retards on forums or webpages that rant about something and then end it with <end rant>. What the fuck is the point of that? If you just ranted and now you're done, I think we can all fucking figure out where the end of the rant is, no? It's almost done as this pretentious apology like they don't have the spine to stand behind what they're saying, sort of an after the fact "I don't mean to be rude, but..." Like you all know me as happy mister fluffy, but here now I'm going to put on my mean guy mask and rant. It's not really me. It's the mean ranting mask. Actually, it's probably just one of those idiotic forum copycat things that all these unoriginal leeches do. Like when some guy said "asshat" once, and it was funny ONCE, and then for the next three years, 90% of all forum kids used it as their default name for anyone who is lame, and no doubt chuckled that "huh-huh-huh" retard chuckle every single time they typed it.
People who are completely incapable of holding any object worth more than 20 dollars in their hand without dropping it. One day this guy I know saw me pecking something into my new pda/phone and held out his hand so he could hold it and have a look at it. I had owned it for 3 days. As soon as it left my hand, his arm had some kind of wild "holding something valuable" spasm and the thing went straight into the floor like it was a wet bar or soap or something. A few months later he saw that I had bought a new Ipod. Somehow I forgot the mental image of my phone bouncing on floor tiles and absent mindedly complied when, once again, he reached out to "see it." It was in his hand for about 1/8th of a second (considerably longer than the phone) before it was flying through space aimed at the center of the earth. This guy is a chef... HE WORKS WITH KNIVES ALL DAY AND SOMEHOW HAS ALL TEN FINGERS. I guess his knives must all be worth less than 20 dollars. Ah, and there is the fact that they have no delicate electronic parts, which no doubt makes them easier to grip.
Mail In Rebates. What the fuck is this bullshit? "$999.00 (SMALL print: "After $400.00 Mail In Rebate"). So you have to buy it for $1399.00, then mail in 61,531 different coupons, receipts, offers, etc. by a certain date, and then hope and pray that they actually honor the rebate and send you your money in the next 8-12 weeks. Fuck you. Just sell it to me for $999 in the first place, you conniving shits. The way I see it, if I have to have 1399 bucks in hand to buy something, they shouldn't legally be allowed to put $999.00 anywhere on the ad. When I bought my TV there was a rebate offer where I got 6 months of free Blockbuster Rentals. I sent in all the asked-for papers, coupons, receipts, etc. well before the offer expiration date. Do you think I ever got my 6 months of free rentals coupon? Fuck you.
People who SWEAR that they heard you say something that there's no way in hell you would ever say.
"So, where are we having Dave's retirement party?"
"I don't know. You tell me. Dave's retiring?"
"What? You mean you haven't made reservations? It's on Friday!"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"You told me you would plan it. Everyone asked me if we should do something for Dave and I told them that you said you were handling it. You mean you haven't even called anyplace?"
"Uhhh... What the fuck are you talking about? I didn't even know Dave was retiring until you told me just now."
"OHHHHH YES YOU DID! We were talking last tuesday about Dave retiring and what we should do for him and you suggested we go to Le Bernardin and-"
"Where?"
"Don't pretend you didn't say you would plan this. I HEARD YOU!"
Adults who buy those books of word-searches. What, are you retarded? Heavens no, don't get a book of crossword puzzles. That might require you to have an IQ higher than 40. "Let's see here... M...M...M...M-A? No, no... M...M...M-Q? No, no, no... M...M...M...M...M-O? M-O-R? M-O-R-V? No, no.... Ahhh... Here it is! M-O-R-O-N! That one was tricky because they made it diagonal. I'm a fucking genius!" Then they make a messy circle around it just like they did when they were in third grade.
The way that people who you really want to see naked are guarded and private and the people that NOBODY wants to see naked, like some 55 year old guy with ape-like body hair or some 250 pound woman with tits sagging down to her waist don't give a shit who sees them naked.
Any retard that ever installed a 5-point seatbelt in a car not capable of breaking 180 miles an hour. Sorry, but your Jetta/Civic/Supra/Eclipse is NOT a racecar and installing a racecar seatbelt will not make it one.
People who organize and reorganize and re-reorganize things obsessively until they are completely disorganized. These people always think of themselves as extremely organized multitaskers, and think that the people around them don't know what the fuck is going on because they're stupid and don't pay attention.
Yogic levitation. What a serious load of horseshit. They had a TV show that said it was going to show real "Yogic Flying." This immediately conjured images in my mind of people in an elevated sense of consciousness floating a few feet above the ground for extended periods of time, fully defying gravity with the power of their minds. I figured from the start that there would be something stupid about it and that it wasn't going to be as cool as the image everyone thinks of when they think of a yogi floating in space. I had to watch. What a fucking ripoff. Were they hovering, weightless? No. They were fucking HOPPING! What's worse is the WAY they were hopping was so stupid it made me laugh out loud. They get in the "Lotus Position." That's the position that looks like "Indian Style" but with their feet on top of their legs - you know, because straining the shit out of your joints and being in pain connects you to the cosmic flow. Then they would flap their legs up and down and hop around like idiots. They would hop along, then when they ran out of room to keep going forward, they would stop, laugh amonst themselves, stopping just short of giving each other high fives, and turn themselves around so they could go back the other direction, you know, because when you're in tune, you give a shit about lining up for the next little hopping exercise. It's quite possibly the dumbest thing I've ever seen. Of course, the people making the show hooked a bunch of electrodes up to the guys' heads to show that there is increased brain activity while they're jumping up and down. Here. Let me give you an approximate translation of this brain activity. "Ok, let's jump up and down. Make it look good for the cameras. HOP HOP HOP HOP HOP... Whew. Leg muscles got a little strained on that one. Wow. I'm gonna be on TV." These assholes aren't defying gravity with the power of their minds. They're hopping with the power of their legs. Hey, check out my amazing powers of telekinesis. (I push a pencil with my hand.) Did you see that? Wow! It's amazing how I just moved that pencil with the power of my mind! I meditated until I thought, "I think I'll move that pencil." Then my brain instructed my arm to reach out and move the pencil. Wow! It's amazing how I can break the laws of physics with mind power. Fucking farout.
Anonymous cowards who write me mean little hatemails, safely hiding behind their computer monitors, who accuse me of being an anonymous coward who writes a mean little webpage, safely hiding behind my computer monitor.
Blogger morons who write big, long posts 15 times a day to talk about how their lunch was, how their gym class was, how much homework they have, how their mom bitched at them today the way she does in every other post, who's annoying, who's awesome, why Good Charlotte is the greatest band ever, then they put lots of little web quizzes on their page that are completely meaningless like "Which Power Puff Girl are you?" and then, when they stumble upon my page and disagree with me, they write a big long post about how I obviously have too much time on my hands.
Pretentious fuckheads who use the phrase "may or may not" instead of just admitting that they don't have a goddamn clue. THANKS FOR NARROWING IT DOWN, SHIT FOR BRAINS. It's even worse than guessing because they're not EVEN guessing. Unless something is certainly so or certainly not so, it "may" be, and if it "may be," then just by default it ALWAYS "may not be," dipshit. "It may or may not rain today." "Dave may or may not stop by." "That store may or may not be open on the holiday." NO SHIT? Why even say anything? If you don't know shit, just stick a cork in it for once instead of adoring the sound of your own stupid voice. It's like you're giving me an answer that contains NO INFORMATION instead of just giving me the concise honesty of shrugging your shoulders and drooling a little. What's even more disgraceful is that the people that use this meaningless phrase nine times out of ten think saying it makes them sound sophisticated. You may or may not be fucking retarded.... No, I take that back. It's certain.
People who have a better way than you to do EVERYTHING. You'll be sitting there, bored, with a piece of bubble wrap, popping the bubbles, and this fucker sees you and says, "Lemme see that. You gotta do it like this!" This is the same asshole who sees you putting lights on the Christmas tree and tries to "help you do it right" until you want to wrap the lights around his neck and strangle him.
Guys who can't go more than fifteen minutes without brushing their hair. Ironically, this seems to be a mental disorder that particularly afflicts guys whose hair is only 1/4 of an inch long. Look, you preening shitheads. Your hair DOES NOT MOVE. It CANNOT tangle. If you didn't brush it for a week it would look EXACTLY the same as it does right now.
Parents who intentionally misspell their children's names to be "creative" (Read: "pretentious"). Look. Ashlee is a MISSPELLING of "Ashley." Same goes for Jennee, Mayree, Chrystine, Christyne, Kymberlie, Rebeccah, Aimee, Kristyn, Sharyn, Karyn, etc.
People who give their children names that they themselves are incapable of pronouncing correctly. Jonathan is not pronounced JAAN-AH-TAAN. If this is how you pronounce it, pick something else. Also, Duane is a ONE SYLLABLE NAME. There is no such name that is pronounced DOO-WAYNE.
People, particularly in the work place, who think that the best way to get a hold of someone is simply to stay right where they are and yell. Bob is working and it strikes him that he needs to ask Dave a question. Dave's desk is in another room halfway down the hall. Dave has a phone on his desk. Bob could also walk to Dave in about fifteen seconds. Apparently Bob does not understand the complexities of operating a telephone and has feet that are rooted to the floor. All across the office the sound can be heard.... "DAAAAAAAAAAAAVVEE!"
People who try to spur conversation by talking about the weather. Yes, I know that silence makes some people uncomfortable, and that the weather is a generic thing that we can all relate to regardless of our class, beliefs, interests, etc. but is that ALL you can think of to talk about? How uncreative. Hot in July? No shit? Cold in February? Who would have guessed? Look, if the weather is doing something extraordinary, I can understand people feeling a need to talk about it. If you're just trying to break the silence, just fart or something. It would be as creative and meaningful as saying, "Boy, we sure got a lot of rain this week." When the landscape is dotted with thousands of tornados made of flying carpet tacks, broken whiskey bottles and gorilla feces, then yes, I would like to discuss what's up with the weather.
Amazon.com "Suggestions." Could they be any more wrong? I order a Skinny Puppy CD and suddenly I'm a Korn fan? I order a Lewis Black CD and suddenly I must think Jeff Foxworthy is awesome? The only comedy I have ever ordered on Amazon was one Lewis Black CD. Now they make sure to tell me anytime Adam Sandler releases something. Let me explain something that I think is pretty basic. Lewis Black is hilarious. Adam Sandler is a retard. If what you glean from me liking Lewis Black is that I think Adam Sandler is awesome, then you're seriously stupid. How many Adam Sandler items do I have to rate "I hate it" before they see the common thread? "Hmmm... you like Lewis Black, right? Well then, I've got just the thing! Billy Madison!" "I hate it." "Oh, ok then... Let's see what else we have... Lewis Black is pretty funny, right? Well if you think he's funny, then you're just GOT to see "Little Nicky!" "I hate it." "50 First Dates?" "I hate it." "SNL Best of Adam Sandler?" "I hate it." "Big Daddy?" "I hate it." "Happy Gilmore?" "I hate it." "The Waterboy?" "I hate it." "Hmmmm... You hate The Waterboy and yet, you like Lewis Black? Now I'm totally confused.... Oh wait! Of course! Mr. Deeds!" "I hate it." "Hmmm... Ok... Let's try something else. You love Limp Bizkit, right?" "I hate it." "No you don't! Don't lie! It says right here that you like Nine Inch Nails, so it just follows that you think Limp Bizkit rocks!"
Americans who say "Ciao" in any tone other than gratingly sarcastic. These are the same pretentious dorks who do that fake "mwah" kiss on the cheek when they greet a friend. Guess what. Europe is OVER THERE, and try as you may, we will never be European. You're not chic, you're full of shit.
Freaks who still don't have an answering machine.
Amnesia used as a key plot device in TV shows and movies. "Who am I? Where am I? Why did these poor people pay good money to see this idiotic cliche?" Seriously, have you ever met anyone who had amnesia? I know I sure as fuck haven't. It's like these lazy writers came up with some unbelievable premise that could never really happen in real life and the ONLY way to make it work is for someone to CONVENIENTLY have amnesia. How can these fuckers use a disorder that strikes few enough people that I've never heard of anyone in real life having it as a plot loophole in an absurdly large number of movies and shows? Some people reading this will say, "But the US Army said that Jessica Lynch had amnesia about her capture and rescue in Iraq." To them I say, I REST MY CASE.
The total lack of security in using credit cards and personal checks. We're told that we're supposed to keep our credit card and checking account numbers secret. We shred our bank statements in a cross-cutter and not a regular shredder, and count ourselves smart for averting the catastrophy of someone going through our trash and meticulously taping all those little strips of paper together. We use Paypal as a proxy to ensure that some scammer on Ebay doesn't have access to our credit card numbers. When the bank sends us our new credit cards when our old ones expire, we feel like we're astute when we chop the old ones into chunks only a few molecules in size. Yet there it is, everytime we make a credit card purchase or write a personal check: our account numbers, completely unencrypted, plainly readable by anyone, without even the illusion of protection that an electronic reading device would offer. What the fuck kind of Barney Fife Mayberry naive bullshit security is this? All that stands between Joe Schmoe retail employee, unhappily making six dollars an hour, and ALL of the money in your checking account is the fucking HONOR SYSTEM. What kind of high tech device does he need to rob you blind? A pencil. What's their idea of an added security feature? They add a liittle code number on the back of the card, which I guess they think looks like blurry wavy lines to anyone other than the owner. I guess they figure people bent on committing credit card fraud haven't mastered the ability to flip a card over and write down a three digit number.
People who leave me voicemail who drone on and on and meander for ten minutes and then when they get to the ONLY information that I really need, their number, they spout it out in 1/32nd of a second like a goddamn auctioneer so I have to go back and listen to the entire rambling fucking message over and over with a pen in my hand like a cowboy in a quickdraw trying in vain to catch the number blurt.
"Hi, this is Lah-Dee-Dah in the Blah Blah Blah department and I was wondering... maybe if there was a possibility... that maybe... if it's possible we could possibly change our meeting time. We were talking to some of the people in the group and we thought maybe... Monday might not be the best time and we were considering maybe... if it's possible, to maybe change the meeting to Tuesday... because they think maybe they won't be in on Monday and that maybe Tuesday might be better... if you have anything open possibly for Tuesday. I told them I would get back to them... so maybe if you could possibly get back to me I would really appreciate it... because they would like for me to confirm that they can change their meeting to Tuesday... not Monday because that would be better... if it's possible. So if you could get back to me that would be great. I'm Lah-Dee-Dah at the Blah Blah Blah Department. If you could get back to me... I'd appreciate it.... about the meeting being changed to Tuesday from Monday. You can reach me at TWONTWOFISENFORFI(GARBLE)TWO. This is Lah-Dee-Dah. Please call me back... about the meeting... on Tuesday."
*Scribble-scribble*... "FUCK!" *Boop*
"Hi, this is Lah-Dee-Dah in the Blah Blah Blah Department and I was wondering...".
People who own two CD's... and only play one of them... over, and over, and over, and over. I had this friend who really loved The Pixies, but apparently not enough to buy more than one of their CD's. He'd blast this one CD over and over on his shitty little pingy treble terror car stereo at full volume. Now, I USED to like The Pixies. I kind of liked that they had a sort of grating, irritating sound. I even went to see them live on their last tour and had a laugh when Kim Deal was too drunk to play. But after being subjected to countless hours of, "I GOT A BROKEN FACE!!! Uh-huh!" hearing them just makes me bloodthirsty.
The fact that the corporate office sends me about 25-30 emails a day, addressed to everyone in the entire company, that have absolutely NOTHING to do with me. Then, about once every couple of months, about the interval that I receive an email actually TO me, I get a phone call from some manager all personally insulted that I didn't respond. Well, gee. I'm sorry I didn't sit there and stare at my inbox waiting for that one in a thousand emails that isn't about pureyors I don't use, schedules of managers who I haven't even met, handy tips from some calendar of "tips for the day" of the "A smile let's the customer know you care" variety or other assorted irrelevant fluff.
Depicting blacks as violent criminals in TV, music videos and movies (white director): Racist and unacceptable, director MUST apologize.
Depicting blacks as violent criminals in TV, music videos and movies (black director): Box office smash.
Depicting whites as stupid, bossy nerds with no style in TV, music videos and movies (black director): Comedy Gold.
49 year old women who think they're sexy teenie bopper jailbait, and dress accordingly.
People arranging meetings that set the gathering time 30-45 minutes ahead of when they actually need you there. Example: My company decided to waste one of my saturdays with some bogus team spirit type meeting. You know, because slapping an alarm clock at 4am on a day that I'm usually free to wake up at 11 really fills me with spirit. They also decided to have it way out in the middle of fucking nowhere and chartered a bus to get there. I guess New York City doesn't have a lot of places to hold a meeting or something. They sent memos every other day for two months reminding everyone that the bus would be leaving at 6:30am. So, from 6:20 to 7:00 I sat in this fucking bus, hungry, tired and freezing my ass off, since apparently it's an industry standard in the airline and charter bus industries to air condition their cabins to the point that frost starts forming on widows. If anyone is fucked up enough to need to be kept this cold to be comfortable, that's their problem, so fuck 'em. Back on topic. So I'm sitting in this fucking bus for 40 minutes because some asshole in charge of planning assumed everyone would be late. Thanks. I appreciate the confidence. I could have gotten another 40 minutes of sleep, or maybe grabbed some breakfast, but no, instead I have to sit here like a putz in a freezing motionless bus. THEN, at 6:55 some fuckhead showed up for the bus, which, no doubt in the minds of the organizers 100 percent justified scheduling it to include a "waste everyone's time to wait for the one late asshole" gap. Bullshit. If you're supposed to catch a bus at 6:30 and you show up at 6:55, then guess what! NO BUS FOR YOU, FUCKTARD! The only thing you ensure by scheduling a late idiot buffer is that next time, everyone on the bus will now assume that 6:30 isn't firm. Know why this ass didn't turn back towards home when they were still en route past 6:30? Because they were smart enough to guess that the people in charge would factor in a 30 minute late idiot buffer. Not leaving them behind only fucking encourages everyone to not give a shit in the future. You can bet that next time I won't be in such a rush. If they do leave without me, I'm sure it will break my heart to grab the next train home and get another 3 hours of sleep before my day of playing videogames.
People who are either legitimately as dense as a bunker wall, or pretend to be when they don't get their way. Today one of my employees came to me in a rage over me supposedly ripping him off on his paycheck. His first complaint was that he should have five hours of overtime and didn't. The second complaint was that his hours didn't add up to what he claimed they should have. When I finally got him to stop having a conniption and show me his pay stub, I saw no discrepancies between his time card and his paycheck.
"It shows here that you worked 37 hours plus there was a paid holiday on Monday."
"But where's my overtime?!"
"You worked 37 hours. You have to actually work more than 40 in a week to get time and a half. Monday was a paid holiday. You only get overtime for hours you actually worked. You don't get five hours of overtime. The holiday doesn't count as hours worked."
"So what about my overtime?"
"We worked four days last week, right?"
(Stops to think for a frighteningly long time.) "Uhhh. Yeah."
"And in those four days you worked 37 hours, right?" I make a point of holding the pay stub and time card next to each other to point out that they reflect exactly the same data.
(He stares at them for a long, long, LONG time) "Uhhh... But where's my overtime?"
"You don't have any. You worked less than forty hours. See?"
More scutinizing. "But I worked until 7 on Friday!"
"No, you clocked out at 5:45. See?"
He has a really confused look on his face as he stares hard at the time card. At this point, he reaches for the card so he can hold it himself.
"See?"
Confused look.
"17:75 is 5:45. You worked a regular day plus 15 minutes that day. See? 8:25 hours worked Friday. Right there."
"But where's my overtime? This isn't right! I should get five hours overtime!"
"You only get overtime if you WORK over 40 hours. You WORKED 37." At this point I'm angrier than he is by a long shot.
"Yeah, but that still comes up to 45 hours! See? 37 plus 8!"
I say it really, really slowly so it has time to absorb. "You... only... get... overtime... if... you... actually... work... more... than... forty... hours. You... WORKED... 37. That ...8...right...there...is.... a paid... holiday... and... does... not .... count... towards... overtime.... since.... you.... did.... not.... work... on... Monday."
Confused look.
"You didn't work on Monday. Last Monday was a holiday, remember?"
"Yeah."
"See, there's the eight hours paid for the holiday."
Confused look. "But what about my extra hours for Friday?"
"Your extra 15 minutes?"
"I was here until 7."
"You punched out for the day at 5:45. See? 17.75."
Confused look.
"But even then that should still be 15 minutes of overtime."
"Overtime kicks in after 40 hours in a week, not after 8 hours in a day."
Super-confused look.
"Look. You worked 37 hours. That's regular time - not time and a half. You were paid 8 hours of holiday pay. Do you understand?"
"Yeah, I guess so," he says in a tone that transparently says that even still he thinks he was ripped off and will probably call the labor board.
Encores at rock concerts. It's the same every time. The band plays all their major songs except their two most notable. Then they go offstage but the house lights aren't illuminated. For the next three minutes the crowd stamps their feet and goes, "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Then, big fucking surprise, the band comes out and plays a couple more songs, complete with unique multimedia visualizations. What is an encore? It's an impromptu thanks for being a great audience. If the encore is originally PLANNED as part of the show, then where's the bonus? You just wanted to make the crowd work to get to hear the last two songs of the play list.
People who won't shut up about their kids for five seconds. OK! YOU LOVE YOUR KIDS! WE GET IT! UNCLE! Look. EVERYONE loves their kids. There are fifty bazillion kids teeming out of fifty bazillion vaginas and begging for fifty bazillion Pokemons. THEY AREN'T ALL SPECIAL AND AMAZING MIRACLES. 6.5 billion human beings and more and more every minute! Guess what! THEY AREN'T ALL SPECIAL! Your child is not Jesus fucking Christ. The world is not a 100% better place because he exists. There are not people in China who go to sleep at night filled with joy and comfort in the knowledge that you were able to squeeze some semen out of a penis. That's a really hard thing to do, by the way. Getting knocked up - now that takes SKILL. You call your babysitter 20 times a day to see what they're doing, what they're wearing, how long it's been since they shat in their diaper, the consistency and color of aforementioned shit, what they've eaten, how much they've eaten and how often. Is something like "is he wearing the orange jacket or the blue one" really important enough to stop what you're doing at work to call home and check? If the kid's warm either way, and you aren't even there to see him, is the world going to be a better place if he's wearing the orange one? Look. We know you love your kids. You tell us you love your kids so often its nauseating. 9 out of 10 sentences that come out of your mouth contain the kids' names. Your kids might be the center of your otherwise meaningless existence, but let me give you a clue. Nobody else gives a shit. I know lots of people that have kids. Is that all we talk about? NO. Do they love their kids any less than you love yours? No. Think about it this way. I love my mom. It's perfectly normal, acceptable and healthy that I love my mom. If I let you know that I love my mom with every third thing I say, tell strangers at the grocery store about how great my mom is, cover my desk with 20 framed pictures of my mom, update them weekly and make a retarded show of little goo-goo faces at them when people are around, email my friends and coworkers the 25 pictures I took of my mom on that particular day, call home twenty times a day just to make sure my mom is happy and safe and entertained, try to get off work early every day and try to get frequent days off from work just so I can go home and hang out with my mom, and call everyone I know 4 or 5 times every single day just to chit chat about the amazingly clever thing my wonderful mom said, it's definitely no longer healthy. Being a good parent doesn't mean being FIXATED. Not everything your child says is brilliant. Your child is not the most beautiful creature that has ever lived on the planet earth. Want to know a secret? People tell you your kid has beautiful eyes because they can't be bothered think of anything more interesting to say and know you will believe it and take it seriously. 90% of young children have big, deep eyes and 100% of them have moms who will take is as a heartfelt compliment. We're totally insincere. WE SAY THAT TO EVERY MOM, JUST TO BE NICE. GET OVER IT.
Headphones that are designed, not for audio fidelity and comfort, but to look really unusual. "Hey, check out my new headphones! Sure, they feel like they're drilling a hole in the rim of my ear canal, and there's no isolation so everyone around me can hear my music, and I can hear everything going on around me over the sound of the music, and they sound like complete distorted treble dogshit with only the tiniest inkling of bass, which is distorted and farty sounding, but they look really fuckin' cool, huh!"
Girls with really nice tits who wear tops specifically designed to show over 94 percent of their surface area, who get annoyed when they catch guys looking at them. Look. You're providing the eye-full. Don't get pissed that it catches the eyes of guys other than those you think are hot. That's like shoving a piece of chocolate in someone's mouth and then covering their mouth with your palm so they can't spit it out and then getting pissed off when they taste chocolate. Farout concept time. Guys like tits. You intentionally flaunt your tits with the intent of turning guys on and guess what. Guys look at them. Who would have guessed? Cause-Effect realationship in a can.
Toilets that flush like they don't mean it. Great! You're conserving water. Uhhh... Would you mind if we also made the turd go away? Please?
People who think of french fries as a means of transporting the maximum amount of ketchup into their mouth as possible. Just use a spoon. Even if you get a nice spoon, it's reusable, so in the long run it's cheaper.
Windows Remote Desktop caching system. "Uh-oh! He typed the word 'and!' I'd better re-draw the entire desktop three or four times to make sure I've got it right. Otherwise, he might actually be able to enjoy actual realtime access. Surely, the fact that he set it to 8-bit color with image caching and no sound transferring couldn't mean he's on dialup. Hmmm.. I'd better re-draw the page a few more times to make sure. Whoah! Stop typing! I haven't refreshed that 'and' yet! Here! Stare at this hourglass for a while! Patience is a virtue!" (This modest sized post edited in about ten minutes via Windows Remote Desktop)
People with absolutely no concept of personal space. There is a guy I work with who thinks that a comfortable speaking distance is about four inches. This obnoxious behavior is complimented by the fact that he spits when he talks and has nose hair like tarantula legs. When he talks to me, I move away. Then he moves forward to bridge the gap. Then I move back, and he keeps doing the same thing over and over, no matter how many times I move back. Then I think I'm getting wise and move back but leave my foot protruding somewhat unnaturally in front of me with my weight on my back foot, but he counters this by simply stepping on my foot. At other times, he believes he is a ghost, able to pass through solid objects and people. If you have to work next to him for any longer than five minutes, you can expect at least once to be run over. His path doesn't veer even slightly to clear you. If Point B is directly behind you, expect for him to walk straight towards it, knocking you back, or at the very least, stepping on your feet with all of his weight, and he's no fluttering butterfly.
"Universal" remote controls. Yes, I am aware that for forty bazillion dollars, you can buy touch-screen remote controls that easily control everything in your entertainment center once they've been properly configured, but everything else, particularly the remotes that come packaged with every DVD player, CD player, TV, VCR, etc. which are touted as being universal are anything but. For instance, my TV came packaged with a "universal" remote. Sure, it can get to all the functions on the TV, and, if properly programmed, can operate the DVD player's transport controls, but let's see it bring up the DVD player's menu, or skip disks or operate the VCR if it's programmed for the DVD player. If it can't perform those simple tasks, then it's not fucking universal. If I still have to have three or four remotes on my coffee table, then none of them can be called universal.
Hipsters who don't see the extreme irony in calling themselves nonconformists while wearing nothing but clothes from the mall's four hipster nonconformist clothes stores. If Hot Topic has it, it's officially no longer unique.
The fact that Coca-Cola still hasn't gotten over officially forfeiting the 80's Cola Wars to Pepsi by STILL putting "Classic" on every logo. For those of you who are either too young, or smoked too much pot to remember, for a few years solid in the 80's, Pepsi and Coke jointly engaged in all kinds of stupid promotions and taste tests and absurd hokum to prove what is obvious bullshit, that these two practically identical products are vastly different from each other, and that liking the wrong one makes you a gay communist with AIDS... choice 80's insults all 'round. Of course, like every single thing that happened between December 31, 1979 and January 1, 1990, this got an obscene amount of media attention and everyone went fucking apeshit, drawing their allegiances and acting as stupid as possible over something completely trivial. In the end, Coke conceded, and in what's possibly the dumbest business move in history, they changed their formula to taste like a crappier version of Pepsi. What happened? More absurd hysteria. Star-Bellied Sneech Pepsi fans kept drinking Pepsi as they scoffed at the "New Coke," drinkers, who had no stars upon thar's. Then the people who liked the old Coke threw a shit fit and demanded that Coke change the flavor back. So eventually Coke released Coca-Cola Classic, which was just the old flavor, trying to hail it as a victory, citing that their drinkers were so loyal that they would petition them to just go back to the non-Pepsi-esque flavor. Look. If Wayne Newton totally changed his image, his fans would complain. It wouldn't mean he didn't suck, because he will always suck. If someone LIKES the way you suck, it doesn't mean you don't suck. So, for a while, Coke carried both"New Coke" and "Coke Classic," until they finally figured out that Pepsi drinkers would keep drinking Pepsi even though it cost a few cents more in the grocery store, and they finally dropped "New Coke." What they didn't drop was that stupid "Classic" logo. What morons. Why not wave a flag that reads, "Coca-Cola: Pepsi made us its bitch! Enjoy our second-place flavor! Hey, at least we're better than R.C."
People who write venomously negative reviews for movies, cd's, videogames, etc. because they aren't exactly the same as existing stuff. If it's not different, then what's the point of making it at all? "I hate the new Skinny Puppy cd. It doesn't sound like their old stuff." If all they can do is carbon-copy their past work, then they shouldn't release a new album at all.
People who, when they can't think of a single intelligent thing to say in an argument, still use retarded "your mom" insults thinking that they're the ultimate stab. You fucked my mom? Lucky you. She's 59. Who are you trying to insult, me or yourself? You really "0wned" me there, retard. Brag some more about your sexual escapades with a post-menopausal woman.
Videogames where the programmers in charge of modeling got lazy, so they use the same model for eighteen different creatures and just give them different names and stats. In Final Fantasy Online, they have Bumblebees, Killer Bees, Giant Bees, Giddeus Bees, Huge Wasps, Death Wasps, Huge Hornets, Burrowing Wasps, Goblins' Bees, Dishwashing Bees, Mormon Bees, Lazy TV Watching Hornets, Alternative Lifestyle Bees, Tourettes Syndrome Obscenity Screaming Bees, Balding and In Denial Wasps and Meter Maid Bees, among many others. Virtually every area in the game has its own version of the EXACT SAME BEE. It wouldn't be so bad of it was just the bees, but practically every enemy in the game has at least a dozen versions that all look exactly the same.
Pathologically distrusting people. Look. There are a lot of people that you will meet in life that will try to pull one over on you. There are a lot more that won't. The world isn't out to rip you off. Street smarts are good to have. Paranoia isn't. You'll be behind one of these guys at the grocery store who's buying a few small things totaling $4.27 plus tax. He hands the clerk a five dollar bill. She hands him back his change and his receipt. Immediately you can see his mind start to work. He thumbs through the coins in his hand. He looks at his receipt. He doesn't put anything in his pockets or move out of the line, just in case he needs to dispute something with the cashier. "Was the Pepsi taxable? I was thinking those chips were $1.39 but they rang up as $1.59. Hmmm... What's the current sales tax? Was it 8.25% or 8.75%? Hmmmm," he ponders as he continues thumbing through his change and meticulously scrutinizing his receipt. When the cashier asks if everything is ok, he sighs and scratches his head. "Yeah, I guess so." As he walks out the door, he's still analyzing his receipt and trying to figure out percentages in his head. If he needs to worry about losing a couple of pennies, he has far bigger problems to worry about than someone trying to rob him. I'm sure the cashier eyed him as a fat trout, the "Big Score" that was going to bankroll her Porsche and summer home on the Florida Coast, in four to six cent increments. I'm not advocating being a sucker. Make sure they dot the I's and cross the T's on a real estate deal. Be on your guard at the used car dealership. Don't be a dick by trifling over petty pennies and nickels.
Pathologically crooked people who help create the people described above. These opportunists look for any way they can find to get more than their fair share, all the time, as if by instinct, regardless of who they have to step on. These are the employers whose employees always find lots of surprises on their pay stubs, like breaks they never took, overtime pay "accidentally" paid at the regular rate, vacation days "accidentally" used to pay sick days and any number of other assorted "mistakes" that all too conveniently always benefit the employer rather than the employee. These are the boyfriends and girlfriends who always have a little something on the side. These are the diners who never seem to end up paying their share of the bill and the restaurants that fill cups up to the rim with ice before filling them with soda, then charge for refills. These are the realtors who make sure to give the basement a fresh coat of paint to conceal the fact that it turns into a marsh every time it rains. These are the roommates who view their cohabitants' cd and dvd collections as Ebay goldmines. These people all need to be buried alive in a pit with spent nuclear fuel rods.
Black guys who try to do scary Ted Koppel looking stuff with their hair. C'mon, guys. Even white people's hair was never meant to do that shit.
Women who misunderstand the notion of "Equal Rights" to mean that they get all the benefits that men have historically had, and yet share none of the responsibilities and don't offer even the least bit of mutual respect. Equal Rights does not mean that all men are idiotic scum, but they still better open the door for you. Generally speaking, most men still attempt to impress women by being gentlemen, so you can still expect them to offer a certain amount of door holding, chair pushing, etc. Look. If you're in the kitchen, three feet from the fridge, EN ROUTE to the living room, and your boyfriend / husband asks you if you wouldn't mind bringing him a drink, acting like he's degrading you is fucking absurd. We'd do it for you without a lecture on justice and freedom. Stonewalling for no reason when being considerate is just as easy doesn't make you strong and progressive, it makes you an ASSHOLE. This lady I know spends half the day on the phone nagging her husband about everything from getting the car washed to picking up the kids from school to getting groceries, LIKE HE DOESN'T KNOW that he needs to pick up the kids. Every single conversation begins, not with "Hi, honey," but with "Where are you?" and it's not meant as a legitimate concern for him, but rather as a status report on his assignments. She also does pretty much whatever she wants, with only a NOTICE to her husband that she's going to be late coming home. The tone is always "I'm going out. Deal with it." Then one day she was on the war path because her husband told her that he wanted to go out for a couple of drinks with the guys later in the week after work, and her mumbled response after she hung up the phone was "If he thinks he can do whatever he wants, he's gonna get my foot up his ass." WAY TO KEEP IT EQUAL, YOU MANIPULATIVE CUNT! I suppose to an extent it's the guy''s fault for putting up with it, but women with this attitude about their "equality'" seem to be growing in number.
Ghetto ice cube earrings. Oh yeah, we all think those huge, cloudy blocks of glass on your ears are real diamonds. You've totally got us all fooled by the bling bling you snagged out of your grandmother's costume jewelry box. As we all know, guys rich enough to afford eight carat diamond earrings usually make a habit of hanging out on the corner in the South Bronx. Notice how nobody is mugging you?
Televisions whose ads boast "virtual surround sound." Know what sounds like speakers behind you? Speakers behind you. You're not fooling anyone by boosting the bass and adding some weird reverb effect. Oh, wow! An echo! That means it's behind me!
People who are regulars at restaurants that they seem to think are lousy. It's like they go just because they enjoy having something to bitch about. When I worked at a hotel, one old couple comes to mind that would come to the restaurant and gripe about the food, the wait staff, the menu, the furnishings, the hostess, the buffet, the parking lot... EVERYTHING! Yet, as terrible as we supposedly were, it didn't keep them from coming to eat at least FOUR OR FIVE DAYS A WEEK. Don't like our restaurant? Fine. Then GET THE FUCK OUT AND NEVER COME BACK!
These blind assholes who think that being against Bush is the same thing as being for terrorists and that being against the war in Iraq is the same thing as being for Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. The fact that the news media lumps the war in Iraq together with the "War on Terror" (an absurd concept all by itself not to mention that the two are completely mutually exclusive) should be the biggest eye-opener ever for those idiots who for some fabricated reason think the media is liberal. Just because Dick Cheney says 9/11 was connected to Iraq doesn't mean it's true, especially when overwhelming evidence points to the completely opposite conclustion. The media is liberal? Since when? For every one liberal pundit you can name on talk radio or tv, I'll name three conservatives, and most of the right wingers I name will be touted by their host stations as being fair and unbiased. Bill O'Rielley's NO SPIN zone? HAHAHAHAH ! That's a good one! He has the BALLS to say "No Spin" when everything that comes out of his mouth has a steep right wing slant. How is he the "No Spin" guy when he defends every single one of the President's idiotic policies and actions tooth and nail while slamming anyone who DARES to criticize him? That's what "spin" is, ASSHOLE. His whole show is him trying to indoctrinate people with his opinion rather than give them every angle of an argument. He lets guests he agrees with rattle on incessantly, while guests he disagrees with get interrupted every five seconds, get intentionally cut off by commercial breaks, and literally get told to shut up as their microphones get turned off. Scarborough Country? Boy, I'm fucking glad I don't live there!
Codecs. Look. Before all you hyper-picky meticulous codec nerds lay into me, yes, I know that computer audio and video have greatly improved in the past few years. Has it improved immensely, rapidly enough to warrant having to download new software for every third video I come across online? NO! NO IT HAS NOT! "Well, duh... Of course you can't play that video! You need Divx decompressor version 8.4615 rev. K. You have 8.4612 rev. F. Is that too difficult to understand? Your version came out more than two weeks ago! Geez, man! Keep up with the times!"
People who think Bob Marley was a truly amazing and inspired human being and buy all his CD's, plaster their dorm rooms with posters and wear t-shirts with his likeness - not that they ever really took an interest in reggae, but primarily because he smoked a lot of pot, and pot = rad, dude!
The fact that the media pays almost no attention to problems that need fixing unless it's someone who "NEEDS A MAKEOVER." Thanks for your always-shallow approach on everything, you cartoonish idiots.
People who put on a big show and make "eww gross" faces when I'm eating a steak that's not extra-extra well-burnt to a cinder, as though I'm some kind of sick, vampiric animal. I don't even eat meat rare. I usually get it medium/medium rare, and invariably there's some uncultured idiot who sees the slightest tinge of pink and curls his lip up as though it's a raw, living aorta rhythmically spurting blood. Look, I have this amazing thing called an immune system that allows me to eat a decent fucking steak that's tender and flavorful and has actual juice - yes, even juice, without fearing that I'm going to catch some hideous infection. If you're too paranoid to realize that you, too have an immune system, then you're the one who's sick and stupid, so shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my meal. If you're dumb enough to order a well-well done filet mignon, and then send it back because it's just shy of being a goddamn charcoal briquette, then you really ought to save your money and eat at McDonalds, or better yet, just eat some fucking sawdust. Sawdust might actually be juicier. "But, Neg! What about Mad Cow disease?" The fact that so many people cite this as a reason to overcook meat completely reinforces exactly how ignorant they are. The reason to cook meat, other than an excuse for macho cavemen to buy Weber grills with a thousand bells and whistles that they won't even use, is to kill germs and parasites. But get this, Mad Cow isn't even fucking caused by germs or parasites, but by things called prions that CANNOT BE KILLED because they technically aren't alive to begin with. Yes, indeed. You can fire your mad cow burger into the goddamn sun, and while the burger itself will vaporize, the prions will still be there! "Yeah, but what about staph infection, which is one of the most common forms of food borne illness?" Wow! You're stupid again! Staph Aureus is a bacteria that lives all over living things. The mouth breathing zit popper fixing you burger in the back has it all over his hands. If he handles your burger, and then leaves it sitting at a temperature between 40 and 140 degrees for longer than a few minutes, the bacteria will multiply rapidly. The punchline is that the bacteria itself is not what's bad for you. What's bad for you is a toxin they leave behind as a waste product. Once again, this toxin CANNOT BE COOKED AWAY. You can scorch the living shit out of your burger in a glass-blowing furnace, killing every single staph germ, and guess what - you're every bit as fucked as you would be eating it medium rare. So burning the meat you eat does NOTHING to save you from the ailments you fear most when eating meat that's cooked so it actually still tastes good. If you're stupid enough to think that eating everything burnt to a crisp is going to save your life, then you're stupid enough to be high on Darwin's hit list anyway. The strong survive. The weak think they can cook prions away.
People who try to down-play how shitty a shitty neighborhood is by hyping crap like "Rich Cultural Diversity.
"See, this graffiti is a perfect example of the residents' deeply rooted motivation for artistic expression, and youth's urge to not be confined by society's limitations on creative freedom."
"Really? Wow! I never knew how ignorant I was about these people's rich culture. And here all this time I thought that spraying a bunch of permanent spray paint scribbles all over a building or vehicle that someone else owns, without permission, to mark territory or proclaim gang affiliation was called VANDALISM and DESTRUCTION OF PRIVATE PROPERTY, which is sorta-kinda a CRIME which completely disregards the rights of property owners, drives down the property value all over the neighborhood, and actually encourages criminal behavior through peer pressure. Thanks for opening my eyes with your idiotic glass-is-always-half-full ideology."
Microsoft Word's prudish spellcheck. If you write "Fuck" in Word, it knows it's a real word and will not mark it as misspelled. It recognizes what word it is and knows it exists. If you write "Fukk," it knows that this is "Fuck" misspelled, because it marks it as a misspelled word. When you click on it to see suggestions, it doesn't offer any suggestions, even though it knows what word you intended. Know what I have to say about the programmers that decided to make it like that? Fuk you motherfcuking aasholes. Yeah, you know what I just said - admit it.
The fact that The US is basically a society that shuns porn, yet when some R-rated fictional movie ABOUT porn or the adult entertainment industry comes out, like Flashdance, The Girl Next Door, Striptease, Boogie Nights, Show Girls, etc. they hype the shit out of it and everyone goes to see it regardless of how bad it is. They have Demi Moore on every talk show with the hosts always doing this fake, rehearsed psuedo-careful line of questioning asking them what it was like to play such a (gasp) HOT, SENSUAL, almost even OBSCENE role. Dave Letterman will mop the sweat off his forehead with a cloth and do that stupid "loosening his collar" thing with his finger as he makes lots of seventh grade level horny not so witty witticisms about the sparce and not-even risque "adult scenes" in the movie, which are about as hardcore as Maxim at best. The annoying ad-bar on MSN Messenger will flash that they have an interview with Elisha Cuthbert (no, don't bother remembering this flavor-of-the-minute's name) about her *QUOTATION MARKS* X-rated *CLOSE QUOTATION MARKS* role. Oh boy! Adult-ISH entertainment! Let me grab some lube and a bag of popcorn and see which one sees more use. (The smart money's on either the popcorn or the fast-forward button on the remote.)
People who leave something in your personal space that they intend to take home "sometime" and then leave it there FOREVER. A while back there was this meeting that left behind an assload of three ring binders to just be thrown away. There is a lady that comes in twice a week to use my computer to do our accounting. She grabbed about a dozen of these binders and put them in two big shopping bags with her name written on them, to take home "later." So for four months they have sat under my desk, occupying about two thirds of the available leg room. Why don't I throw them away? Because I know that as soon as I toss them, She's going to come to me with, "Have you seen my binders? I was going to take them home."
Update 6/10/04: So, five months had passed and the binders still sat under my desk. Then yesterday, my boss came to me and asked, "Do you by any chance have any three ring binders?"
I said, "Why, yes. Yes I do." So I gave him the binders. We were both filled with glee. No, seriously. We both just sat there catatonic with insane toothy grins on our faces for the next seven and a half hours.
Then today, the accounting lady came in. Before she even said good morning, she stopped, looked under the desk, looked around, looked under the desk, looked in the trash can, looked under the desk, looked in the store room, looked under the desk, looked at me and said, "What happened to my binders?"
"Well, they sat there for five months so we used them."
"But they were mine. It wasn't five months. I was going to take them home today." Y'know... being absolutely right sucks sometimes.
Brat creators.
I was on the train today and there was this young mother whose four and five year old sons had her completely wrapped around their fingers. They would fight and play and scream and run around, bumping into and annoying the living shit out of everyone. All the mother would do to control the situation was occasionally half-heartedly say, "Shhhh. Sit down, boys. Stop bothering those people. Come on. Stop fighting like that."
The boys, of course, completely ignored her and kept tearing around as though she wasn't even there. Did she issue the cold slap of the Knuckles of Enforcement? No. Instead the four year old issued an ultimatum. Pretending to heed one of his mother's pleas, he snapped back with, "Well, then give me some candy." Yes, indeed. The four year old child is telling his mother how it's going to be.
"No, honey."
"Mommm, give me some candy!"
"No."
"Mommyyyyy, please?"
"No."
(Jumping up and down)"Gimme some candyyyy!!!"
"No."
"Mommy, gimme!!!"
"No."
"Candy, Mommy, gimme!!!" (Fake crying voice.)
"OK." (Gives the kid some candy.) The other brat whips his hand out for his share, and the mother instantly complies like a fucking puppet. The kids immediately resume being complete fuckheads, but now they're fuckheads with candy. Great job idiot. Way to take control of the situation. Your kids have now learned that the bigger brats they are, the more you'll reward them, even when they don't hold up their end of the bargain. No doubt this argument has played out in your household many times to the same conclusion. Are you really so inept at child psychology that a couple of little brats can manipulate you to their own liking whenever they want?
People who think that the fact that they don't agree with the message an artist is conveying makes that person not an artist.
Stiff lipped business suit executive types that have framed pictures of themselves in their offices showing them jokingly hiding under their desks or making screwball faces in a lame attempt to pretend that they're normal, fun-loving people, and not the alienating, frigid, inhuman tight-asses that they really are. Who do you think you're fooling? If silliness is such a rare occurance with you that someone feels the need to make it a staged photo-op, go out and buy a nice frame, and then have you display it in your office, then it's only too obvious that you're never really like that. Everyone already knows you're not an easy going everyman, so just be a creepy, bloodless, humorless, robotic drone and cut the phony act.
People who defend total assholes by saying, "Well, he's a really sweet guy once you get to know him." No, see, if you have to hang out with someone for long periods of time, something made excruciatingly difficult because he's such an insufferable prick, to see the slightest glimmer of humanity, then sorry, he's an asshole. If you think he's cool, that's because you're a terrible judge of character, and he's nice to you because even assholes get lonely. Either that or you're so lonely yourself that you overlook his glaring personality flaws, because even the friendship of a dickhead is preferable to no friendship at all. Or maybe you're just an asshole yourself and looking for a bird of a feather with whom to flock together. Maybe you're such an asshole that lesser assholes seem charming.
Novice computer users who hear some computer term that they somewhat kinda sorta comprehend and then use it for everything. "Could you download me that picture you took of me at the party? Do you know how to download these mp3's on my desktop to a CD so I can play them on my walkman? I finished my report. Now I need to download it to my boss."
That moment of judgment when a musician is trying to write a song and thinks, "Hmmm... This song is ok, but it's missing something. What would give it that special element that it needs to make it a great song rather than just an OK song?... I know! a HARMONICA SOLO!"
The retarded ghetto practice of referring to women as "females." "Yo, dawg! Where all the females at?" The last time I checked, adult female humans were called women or ladies. Don't you have any inkling as to how disrestpectful you sound? Are women female? Of course. If you're going to refer to women as females, you may as well go for the dehumanized package deal and say that you're looking for one to BREED with. Does "breed" sound too crude? How about "SPAWN?" If you're going to refer to your fellow humans in animalistic terms, why not just shed your clothes and go live in a fucking cave? It's obvious you can't appreciate humanity, so just drop out of it and be a fucking animal.
Adulth who aww too pwoud to go to thpeeth thewapy. You can't even thay ith a mattaw of pwide, bacauthe how muth fathe do you think yaww thaving by talking wike thith aww de time?
Morning people who casually plan for you to do things together at ungodly hours as though they think everyone rises at the crack of still-dark-for-two-hours.
"So are you all packed for our camping trip?"
"Yeah."
"Ok, cool. I'll swing by around 6am and we'll grab something to eat."
"Is it really necessary to leave that early? The camping spot is only an hour's drive away."
"Hmmm... Would 6:30 be better?"
Cowardly bureaucratic bullshit. Why is it that everybody's so scared of getting their hands dirty when solutions are obvious?
About six weeks ago I had a get together at my apartment. One of my friends parked her car in the parking lot outside. The lot is public and the spaces are oriented so cars pull in perpendicular to the street. When she was leaving, she called me on her cell phone from the lot to tell me that some ass in an Acura had parked behind her and it was impossible to get out. I went out to see what was up. The Acura was parallel to the street and halfway on it, half on the lot, effectively blocking two parking spaces from behind. In The Bronx, most people blocked into a parking space by some double parking cock would just sit in their car and lay on the horn until everyone within a quarter mile wants to murder them. This is stupid. Of course, the default Bronx solution to any problem is the most aggressive, illogical and annoying one, but honking the horn in The Bronx is pointless because people hear horns and car alarms all day, and the solution is never to see what the problem is, merely to hurt whomever is causing the sound. So we took what seemed like the most logical and effective solution: calling the cops so they could tow the car. This seemed ideal. The car would be moved. The idiot would be punished, and hence, probably less apt to be an asshole so casually in the future. We quickly discovered how ineffective the "proper channels" were. We called the 311 city help line. The operator tinkered with her computer for about ten minutes trying to find my street, one of the most prominent in the Bronx, which intersects another major street. Finally, she said that she couldn't find either street in the computer at all. She said this in a tone that meant, "Sorry about your luck, chump. Now leave me alone." She was done pretending to try to be helpful. When I asked if she could just give me the direct number for the police, she asked what precinct I was in. Since I'm not a cop or a repeat offender, or a combination of the two, I don't automatically know what precinct I'm in. She made a long sigh, and said (once again in her 'sucks to be you' voice) that since she couldn't look up either of the gigantic streets where I was located, there was no way that her Commodore 64 could tell her in which precinct I was. There was a pause. At this point, she just wanted me off her phone so she could switch back to her friend on line one to resume talking about "Days of Our Lives." I obliged, mostly because I was starting to feel the suction in my ear as my I.Q. points were being leeched out of my brain by this mouth-breathing Rikki Lake disciple.
So there we stood in the parking lot at 3am in the cold with no help on the way. Fortunately there's a Dunkin Donuts about a block from my apartment, so there would be a cop floating by eventually. But, Neg! Why would you resort to using the trite stereotype of the lazy, doughnut eating cop? Yes, I know it's lame, and I'd really like to stop using it, but I won't stop using it until it stops being true. So, in keeping with it being true, within about five minutes a cruiser was easing into the left turn lane towards Dunkin Donuts. I waved to flag him down. He didn't pull to the right lane to meet me, rather, he rolled down his window so I had to go stand in traffic to talk to him while he sat in the far left lane, still intent on getting to those doughnuts. I explained the situation to the two cops and thought "Ah-hah! I get cops here, bypassing the 311 idiot, and there's no 3 hour wait for a cop to be dispatched. The problem will be solved without a lot of hassle." How naive I was. The cop in the passenger seat kind of curled his lip and squinted as he looked at the Acura. Then he looked to the driver, who shrugged as if to say it was the other guy's call as to whether this was worth postponing free coffee. I knew then that they were cracking open a fresh roll of red tape.
"We can reccommend a towing company, but you'd have to call them. We can't tow that car ourselves." I felt like a stranger in a strange land. What kind of alien world had I landed on that a New York City cop is hesitant, or even AFRAID to tow a car that is so flagrantly illegally parked? I never thought I'd ever see a New York City cop play the helpless card on something this obvious. Finally I coaxed him to come and have a look to see if there was anything that could be done. They both sighed at the delay of their cruller ingestion and pulled in behind the Acura. One got out and started peering into the car with his mag-light with all the caution of someone who fears that a parasite in an alien egg is going to leap on his face. "Is there any way she can stay here?" I couldn't believe that the cop was actually suggesting that my friend crash at my place just because a car was blocking hers in. The way I saw it, the tow truck should already be en route. We explained that she was from out of town and had to get back to the hotel in Queens. "Can she take a cab?" We explained to the brain-trust that it would be about 50 bucks cab fare to and from the hotel each way and that she would be leaving in the morning, and would, hence, need her car. He looked sad that his brilliant solutions to this problem were not recognized for their genius. The other cop stayed in the cruiser messing with the computer. After a few minutes he got out and said in a triumphant tone, "Well, it's not stolen. It's been stolen before, but it's currently not listed as stolen." Oh thank heavens! Because the legal ownership history of this car was my main concern. I'm so happy it's not stolen. No wait! Who gives a fucking rat's ass if it's stolen? He began looking in the car with his own flashlight and said that since it's been stolen before, the ignition might be damaged, making it able to be turned with a screwdriver. He checked the door handle and it was unlocked. Unlocked cars in The Bronx can only mean one thing: abandonned. The cop dug around in the cruiser and came back with a flat-head screwdriver. Sure enough, the ignition turned with no effort and the car started up. Beyond getting my friend's car out, to me this meant that the Acura's trip to the car impound lot would not require a tow truck. Once again, that's the innocent dreamer in me that's too easily led by common sense. The cop pulled the car back just far enough for my friend to get out, then turned it off and left it parked right there behind two cars. My friend was free to go, but had anything really been solved? Did he even think to bother pulling the car into a legitimate parking space? No way. He just left it right there and slapped a parking ticket on it with two cars blocked in. With that, the cops got into the cruiser and drove off, their self-imagined Superman capes flapping in the wind.
The next morning, I looked out my window and the car was still there. I was glad that we didn't wait for its owner to come and move it. A few days later, I looked out my window and there it was, still sitting there. About a month passed, and there it sat, except now it was visibly a few parts lighter. I called the police and asked them if there were any plans to tow the car, which I explained was now being looted for parts. They told me that since the car was abandonned, I would have to call the Department of Sanitation to remove it. I called and the first thing they asked me was if the car was on a public lot or the street. I said both (dumb move). They apparently could tow it if it was on a public lot OR the street, but since it was halfway on the street and halfway on the lot at the same time, they couldn't do anything and that it was under the jusisdiction of the Department of Transportation. I guess they must have been using the same computer as the 311 operator with no checkable box for "Both." I called the Department of Transportation and the first question they asked me was if the car had plates on it. No. No plates. At this point, I could see the setup happening a mile away. Since the car had no plates, the Department of Transportation said they couldn't do anything and that it was a Police matter and that I should call 911 and report it as a stolen car. At this point, I decided to wash my hands of it and assume the role of the stereotypical apathetic New Yorker. I wasn't about to start the phone loop again. Fortunately, I could rely on my fellow New Yorkers to take care of the problem where the authorities had failed. Piece by piece, bit by bit, the car vanished. A few days later, all that was left was a bumper, and it was probably only left because it was cracked. The bumper has since dissolved into the ether, along with more of my respect for the Powers that Be, or apparently the Powerless that Be.
People who like my Fuck Canada page who email me to tell me that I should make a Fuck Sweden page or a Fuck Ireland page or a Fuck Brazil page or a... well, you get the picture.
People who can't cook anything edible that insist on feeding you. Then after you manage control your gag reflex through one helping, they decide that you haven't had enough and make you eat some more. "Mmm. Lima bean and ham casserole. My favorite! No really, I should get going. Well ok, just a tiny bit more. What kind of cheese is this, by the way? Oh, that's not cheese? Mmm. Just like mom used to make! (Now I remember why I moved out.) Ahem.. Oh nothing. I just have a razor sharp piece of bone cutting into my epiglottis. No biggie. Sooo... Uhh.. You mind if i get a refill for my drink? No, no. Don't get up. I can get it (and it's going to take a lot more than one refill)."
The pizza topping scam. Let's say you order a pepperoni pizza. You're paying for a cheese pizza plus one topping. The pepperonis cover the top of the pizza, with maybe 12 pepperonis per slice. Every time you add another topping, they decrease the amount of each one, despite the fact that you're paying the same amount extra per topping. A pizza with pepperoni, sausage, Canadian bacon, peppers, onions, mushrooms, anchovies.. ok - no anchovies, and olives will have only maybe 4-6 pepperonis per slice even though you're paying the same amount per topping.
People whose houses don't have four square feet without some sort of air freshener. You walk into their bathroom and see a Glade Plug-in. On top of the toilet tank is pot of potpourri, a scented candle and a Renuzit thing that looks like some kind of high-tech alien egg with weird blue jelly inside. The toilet paper roller has air freshener in the middle of it. On the counter are two scented candles, a little thing with a candle that burns under a pot of scented oil, another basket of potpourri, another alien seed pod and a can of Lysol. In the outlet near the counter is another Glade Plug-in. On the back of the door hangs a hokey looking knickknack doll filled with potpourri. Look. If your body produces shit so foul that you need this much help making the smell survivable, you need to get to the fucking hospital.
Products that try to look like they're not amazingly bad for you on the Nutrition Facts label by dividing the box into servings smaller than anyone would ever use. I'm looking at a package of Girl Scout Cookies. Calories: 150. Calories from Fat: 70. Total Fat: 12%. Saturated Fat: 23%. Serving size: TWO COOKIES. Uhh... Yeah. RRRRRRRRRRIGHT! Because there's some human alive who ever ate ONLY two Girl Scout Cookies in a day. If you're going to eat Girl Scout Cookies at all, you're not going to stop at TWO. So basically, if you eat eight cookies, which they say is four portions, though most people think of it as half a portion, that's the end of your eating for the day. You've had nearly your daily allowance of saturated fat.
People who use instant messaging programs like AIM, MSN and Yahoo! Messenger to feed their abandonment complexes. They don't understand that not everyone sits at their computer waiting for their next message and they freak out and feel hurt when you don't reply right away because you're playing a video game, watching a movie or doing one of the other things on the giant list of things more interesting than going,
People with hyperinflated persecution complexes. Today I was getting off the subway and the lady in front of me was blocking the door and moving verrrrry slowly. I accidentally brushed the heel of her boot with my shoe and her head whipped around to see who had wronged her. She wasn't hurt. Her boot was not damaged. She didn't lose her balance. I didn't kick her. If I had shoved a dagger into her belly, she would have made the exact same horrified, shocked, injured facial expression.
Rating systems based on four stars where reviewers give things half stars. What are you trying to prove, you pretentious twits? If you're going to make a rating system lumped into only four possible blocks of quality, then fucking stick to it. You're the assholes who decided to make a four star system, so stop trying to get inventive with it. If four is too coarse a grade, then give it a whole number rating of one to ten, or a percentage. Don't think I'm going to be impressed that you put more thought into your review because you gave something three and a half stars. The way I see it, the four star system is way too coarse and needs to be retired. There should be way more than one notch between "pretty decent" and "nothing to write home about."
Any jackass that ever used a dangling toothpick as a fashion accessory. You know who you are. You walked into a grocery store with the intent to buy toothpicks thinking, "Yeah, I'm gonna let a toothpick dangle out of the corner of my mouth and look hardcore." Do you look hardcore? No. You look trendy and stupid and I'm here to smack that toothpick through the back of your head. What's next, little paper cocktail umbrellas, bendy straws, sporks, oven mitts? If you think anything in the grocery store can make you look cooler, you seriously need to be euthanized.
Coffee breath. Someone explain this to me. Ground coffee smells really awesome. Brewed coffee smells pretty damn good. Coffee breath smells like fetid zombie anus. WHY?!?!?
People who refuse to "buy into" mainstream media's coverage of politics and world events, feeling that they're too sharp to be easily duped by corporate sources, yet they instantly buy into every farout conspiracy theory they hear. Just because a news source is independent, doesn't mean they're not full of shit. While I know that there's more than meets the eye, I'm not ready to believe that elite Illuminati lizard men from the center of the earth are responsible for 9/11.
Ads for products like Pantene shampoo that demonstrate that they have vitamins in them by having 3D animated PILLS. You know, because in their natural form, vitamins are shaped like vitamin E capsules.
People who blame a specific person for their cold because they heard them sneeze a couple of times. Yeah, it was obviously me because I own exclusive rights to the cold virus in the middle of December! Surely you couldn't have caught it from someone else, or several other people, even though about a third of everyone in the Northern Hemisphere has a cold right now. Did I sneeze right at you, showering your face with a zillion little wet snot droplets? Have you been getting enough rest and exercise and vitamin C? No? Then how about I blame YOU for catching YOUR OWN cold, dumbass? Know why you have a cold? Because you fucking deserve one.
People who don't have hearing problems who watch even casual non-movie / non-music TV at full volume so it can be heard through walls. Nothing screams mental instability like "The Price is Right" at 170 decibels.
Voicemail nickel-and-dimers.
"Monday, 9:22am... 'I just wanted to call you to tell you that the meeting we're going to on the 24th of next month is now going to be at 10am, not 11am.'"
"Monday, 9:24am... 'Me again. That meeting is going to be in conference room C, by the way.'"
"Monday, 9:24am... 'Oh, and Dave told me he's coming.'"
"Monday, 9:27am... 'Y'know what I was thinking? Maybe we should have the meeting in conference room F because they have that multimedia setup. Let me know what you think.'"
"Monday, 9:32am... 'It turns out that some other group is using that room that morning. I'll keep checking to see if they cancel.'"
"Monday, 9:37am... 'We can get that room if we reschedule for 2pm. Would that be ok? I'll call Dave and see if he can make it at 2 or if maybe we should have the meeting on another date. Let me know what you think.'"
"Monday, 9:39am... 'Do you think we should get coffee and soft drinks for the meeting? Just get back to me on that.'"
"Monday, 9:43am...'Oh, hey. I haven't heard back from you. Just wanted to check in and see if you got my messages.'"
"Monday, 9:54am..." *SLAM* *boop boop boop boop boop..... Rinnggg..*
"Hello, Mike Laurence speaking."
"DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO?"
"Oh, hey! Glad you got back to me. I talked to Dave and he said-"
"What the fuck, man! That meeting is over a month away, will take about ten or fifteen minutes, and is about something trivial! Are you going to call me every three minutes for the next month and a half to keep me abreast of the latest developments? Are you THAT bored? Can't you just WAIT until you have a collection of things to tell me instead of calling me everytime your brain spits out a little thought?"
"But I just wanted to tell you that we got Conference room F for 10am. That other group rescheduled. I left them a few voicemails and they called me back telling me that I could go ahead and have the room."
"You're a menace." *click*
Alimony. What kind of obsolete shit is this? You think a relationship going foul entitles you to money? Uhhh... Time for a fucking reality check, princess. Shit happens. That's life. You don't get a monthly payment every time someone hurts your feelings. You want money because your ex-husband is an asshole? You're the one who was dumb enough to marry him, so whose fault is it really? If you didn't know him long enough to realize he's an asshole, then you sure as hell didn't know him well enough to marry him. Let the buyer beware. Why should he pay just because you rushed into marrying him? If you were so eager to marry a guy without knowing him well enough to know what a dick he is, then you probably just married him for his money anyway, and now that you hate his guts, you're just not being as subtle about your initial intention to dig in his pockets like a two-bit whore. If you married him knowing that he's a dick, then you're just stupid, and DEFINITELY just wanted his money and nothing else. Either way: no free money for you. How many men do you see receiving monthly alimony payments? Do you think men aren't hurt when relationships fail? Double standards rock. I can see where maybe in the past alimony made sense, back when a woman's only hope of surviving adult life was to marry a guy who supported her in exchange for squirting out a dozen babies and cleaning his house for the rest of her life. Back then, if a marriage fell apart, it somewhat made sense for a guy to support his divorced wife since her only skills were in being a housewife, and what self-respecting man would marry cheap used goods? What man in his right mind would marry a woman at the ripe old age of thirty two, with her best baby-laying years behind her. At thirty two, she's apt to die in childbirth or from scarlet fever, and then who would be there to wash his socks? Besides, a divorced woman wouldn't be a virgin, and that made her a cheap floozy and an abomination before God. Marrying a non-virgin would be a scandal. It's not like she could go out and get a real job, either. Well, there are a couple of jobs she could get, I suppose, but only so many rich families need another maid. Besides, it's not like she could bring her throng of children with her. She could work in a brothel, I guess, but once again, where would the kids go? Coal mines only need so many child laborers, and they've got to be at least five years old. Women in the modern civilized world have it pretty good. They can get great jobs, make as much money as a man, get mortgages, run businesses, buy cars, vote, open their own doors, push in their own chairs, buy mechanized plastic penises... It's a great time to be a woman, and anyone lacking in marketable job skills has only herself to blame. Want equal rights? Great! Me too! Equal means "equal," not "equal plus a bunch of additional advantages too." In our society's view, if a woman doesn't have a job or any marketable skills, she needs to be supported, but a man in the same situation is a lazy idiot who needs to stop being a shiftless dumbass and pull his shit together and get a job; that it's his own fault and if he can't figure out a solution, then tough shit - fuck him. Why are women exempt from this kind of harsh judgment?
Equal rights now! Ban alimony!
People who "correct" you for using a word because they are unfamiliar with it.
"Stop trying to impinge on my business."
"'Impinge? IMPINGE?' The word is 'infringe,' idiot. Pfft! 'Impinge?' HAH! What a dumbass."
"Uhh.. I used the word I intended to use. The word is 'impinge.' 'Infringe' means roughly the same thing: 'to encroach,' although 'to infringe' more specifiically means 'to violate,' while 'to impinge' has more of a vibe of 'to trespass against.' They're both real words."
"Yeah right. Quit trying to play if off, moron. You're just making that shit up to try to hide the fact that the word was 'infringe,' and you're too stupid to know it."
"Really? Check this out. http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=impinge"
"Pfft - whatever. I'm not gonna look at that. You're still an idiot and the word is 'infringe.'"
Businesses that invent arbitrary rules that serve only as unneccesary impedences. I went to a check casher to cash my paycheck from the previous week.
"We can't take this."
"Why not?"
"It's five days old."
"So?"
"It's company policy. Sorry."
I know at this point, a lot of my readers are waiting to hear the sly retort that I slung at her or some fanciful violent end to the story. It's not going to happen. How could I possibly further degrade someone who degrades herself by working in a check cashing office? What more could I say? Any insult I could possibly conceive would pale in comparison to "check casher." Every morning, she hits her alarm clock knowing that her purpose in life is to deal with the dregs of the earth all day long, selling them lottery tickets and telling them that no, their Western Union transfer STILL didn't come under any of the made-up names that you just rattled off, and please stop coming in here 20 times a day... No, you can't have a quarter. I'm comfortable in that ending.
People who think the solution to their computer printer being jammed is hitting the 'print' icon fifty times. Then when someone (me) comes along and clears the paper jam, the printer begins printing a mountain of paper. Then the real panicking begins. They hit every button on the printer repeatedly, start unplugging cables, turning the computer off from the rear power switch, corrupting loads of data in the process, taking all the paper out, yanking power cords out of the wall, shooting it with a fire extinguisher, punching it, submerging it in the aquarium, calling 911... Let's face it. Some people should not be allowed to use anything beyond the stone hand-axe on the scale of human technology. These are always the ones who ask you for help with their computer and when told to do something with their CPU, they go, "Uhhh - is that the screen or the typewriter? I'm looking everywhere on my computer screen thing and I don't see an icon that says anything about CPU..." Right away, you know you're fucked..
School and church swarm trips that take over restaurants, subways, museums, etc. You go into a restaurant and look around and notice that it's peaceful. You order your food and find a tranquil place to sit. Suddenly there's a disturbance. Through the front doors floods a screaming scourge of assholes all wearing orange T-shirts that say something pseudo-witty on them, like the Calvin Klein logo bastardized with "JC," for "Jesus Christ," you know, because JESUS IS AWESOME!, DUDE! (This is punctuated with the thumb and pinky "Hang Loose" sign, and not "The Shocker," as previously thought.) They all crowd around the counter and scream incoherently; 75 different voices, all at full howling volume. "Miss Smith! Miss Smith! Miss Smith! Can I get a Chicken Sandwich? Miss Smith! I want a Milkshake! My butt plug fell out! Can we sit over there? Doritos are my favorite candy! Miss Smith! Danny took my Yu Gi Oh Cards! Mommy lets me eat Mister Bubble when I'm good." and other assorted gibberish. Suddenly your nice little lunch spot has turned into the gnashing jaws of hell and you start gathering your things to leave while still chewing. One of the chaperones then starts to panic. Where's "Mike Haney? Has anyone seen Mike Haney?" Meanwhile, in the warehouse district in Queens, a teary-eyed 11 year old in an orange shirt is using a payphone, trying to explain to the 411 operator that he can't remember the name of the hotel, but that he's from Arkansas and it's very important.
Guys who can't figure out how to tie a necktie so the knot is bigger than a penny and smaller than a hamburger.
The fact that I can get a 2 liter of Pepsi for $1.79, but an 8.3 ounce can of Red Bull costs 3 bucks. It's just a fucking soft drink. They're both primarily water and corn syrup. Woooo - it's got more caffeine! I'm so goddamn impressed with that, because after all, caffeine is a RARE and COSTLY commodity!
Adults who are incapable of reading without moving their mouths. You should have been unhooked from phonics by the time you were in third or fourth grade, morons.
CD and DVD drives that won't give up. You put a disk in that is improperly formatted or damaged, then realize it's not going to read, so you hit the eject button... repeatedly. Does the drive obediently spit out the disk? No. It goes, "Hmmm.. What's this? Hang on. Gimme a second. *Spin Spin* Wait, wait, wait! I've almost got it! *LED Blink Blink Blink* Wait, I can do this! No, no, no, no! Don't try to pry me open! *Spin Spin Spin* I'm so close to knowing what's on this disk! Gimme just a few more seconds... or minutes. *Spin Spin Blink Blink*"
The way you bake a pizza in the oven and after a while you think maybe it's done, so you check on it and it still looks half frozen. So you put it back and then check on it after it seems like surely it's been enough time. It still looks like it has a long way to go. So you put it back, and in what seems like only a couple of minutes, you notice that it smells really delicious. You open the oven and it's little more than a big, black cinder cookie.
Guy that wants to fuck a girl, whom the girl finds attractive = Hot
Guy that wants to fuck a girl, whom the girl happens to find unattractive = Creep
You know, because it's the guy's fault.
People who can't think of any way to make their writing or speaking more colorful other than the use of copious sports metaphors. Some bench warmers just don't know how to step up to the plate. Look. Sometimes you swing and you miss. Sometimes you strike out altogether. But you never win if you don't play the game. You just have to have your game plan straight when you come out of the huddle and put on your game face. There are no timeouts in life, and if you don't watch yourself, you'll find yourself in the seventh inning stretch with the cards stacked against you. Life will come at you with a right hook and you'll be down for the count. Seriously though, sports metaphors are retarded. Why would you always use them when every single one of them is painfully hackneyed? Just learn to write. This might be facilitated by reading a book... one that's not about sports.
Hey, ghetto guys. Isn't it time to pull up the pants? What's it been, fifteen years? Back in the late 80's, who knew that complete lack of self respect would stay in vogue for so long. Back then, you had a few inches of underwear showing. Now your pants are down around your knees. What kind of fashion statement do you think you're making by altering the way you walk so your pants don't end up around your ankles? I know that deep-down you realize this is stupid. Come on, guys. Let's put this absurd embarrassment behind us. It's time. Pull up your pants. For me?
Products with instructions printed on the packaging which would only need to be explained to someone so amazingly dumb that he's too stupid to live. I'd say READING ABILITY probably isn't a strong suit among people who need toothpaste or shampoo explained to them anyway. Today I got a moist towelette at a restaurant complete with a helpful explanation of its usage. "Tear open package. Remove and unfold towel. Wipe hands. Discard properly." WHUH????? NOT FOR EATING?????
People on personal ads who say they enjoy watching movies, listening to music, dining out, staying in, spending time outdoors, going to the beach, drinking coffee, shopping, traveling, snuggling up with someone special, like people with good senses of humor and mellow temperments, like polite people, value honesty and are looking for someone without a lot of issues. Holy shit! REALLY? YOU'RE SO UNIQUE!!
People who exercise their freedom of speech, press and assembly primarily to voice their opinion that other people shouldn't have the right to say or publish what they want because they happen to find it offensive.
People who play online multiplayer games who call you a "noob" because you haven't played the game for 16 hours a day for the past year like they have. Who's the real loser here? Nine times out of ten, they call you noob right as they're doing something so absolutely nauseatingly cheap that you're surprised they can stomach it themselves. Oh, great. 1800 Zerglings all attacking my base at once. That's brilliant. That's what 6000 hours of gameplay has taught you? You should be proud. Great game. Lotsa fun. We should do this again sometime.
That Clay Aiken freak. I swear that thing was created by Jim Henson.
The remarketing of Chiclets. When I was a kid, there were these little tile-like squares of candy-coated gum called Chiclets. They came in gumball machines in a bigass handful for 25 cents. They were considered the "cheap" gum, for when you didn't have enough money to grab a pack of Bubble Yum, Bubblicious, etc. (read "gourmet" gum, circa 1983). What you got was a blend of a little over a half dozen different flavors, including cinnamon, several different mints, yellow that didn't taste like lemon or banana, red that was probably cherry and was reminiscent of asper-gum, pink that definitely wasn't any sort of fruit that exists on earth, and orange that didn't taste like orange. These couldn't possibly taste good when mixed together, but since gumball machines don't exactly give you wrappers so the gum could be saved for later, this gi-normous handful was generally stuffed in the mouth all at once. This huge, sticky bolus of sub-par gum produced about a quart of bright green loogie that was about 98% pure corn syrup, and was excellent for horking at car windshields in a long, flagellating ribbon of slobber that looked like a gigantic flying green sperm cell sailing through the air. Even the fruit flavors of chiclets had a sickly minty tinge to them that was a bit too minty to actually taste good.
Fast-forward to the year 2004. Almost every gum on the rack now is packaged in sleek looking silvery cardboard sleeves with foil backed bubble panels inside - the kind they use to package pills. The other thing that's new is that the gum costs $1.25 a pack. What's not new? How about the little tile-like squares of candy-coated gum that's a bit too minty to actually taste good? Eclipse, Trident White, Dentyne Ice, take your pick. They're just fucking Chiclets, the CHEAP gum, but they've been repackaged as the ultra-gourmet gum, aimed at adults, who have more pocket change than the average eight year old and like things that are packaged like drugs. So you get the same bigass handful of cheap gum, but at the price it would be far too wasteful to enjoy these Chiclets for the only thing Chiclets were ever really enjoyable for: namely stuffing the whole handful in your mouth at once, putting two in between your incisors and upper lip like buck teeth, and launching an entire mouthful of brightly colored corn syrup snot at that girl in 3rd grade that you had a bad crush on.
I really don't mean to give rap so much attention, but once again, something made my eye twitch enough that I couldn't help myself. There's a video for this 50 Cent collaboration called G-Unit. The song is "Poppin Them Thangs," and yes, I know you're as impressed as I am with that title. Basically the checked box on the Formulaic Rap Video Construction form is choice C. "I'm a Mob Kingpin, so don't try to step or you'll get smacked down - note how nobody smiles ever - that means WE HARD." Of course, having the ability to rhyme words with other words makes you an unstoppable force in the underworld, able to strike fear in the hearts and command the respect of big time mob bosses. "Holy shit. He can rhyme FOCUS with LOCUST! Oh, man! He's got a big gold medallion... AND IT SPINS! That spinning medallion definitely makes him too HARD for our entire criminal organization to compete with. Don't mess!" There are subtitles at the bottom of the screen showing the dialogue between the various mob bosses. One of them says, "I don't approve of you. You are SHINNING a light into our darkness." Who fucking wrote these subtitles, Groundskeeper Willy? How could such a glaring spelling mistake slip by the hundreds of people who no doubt saw the completed video before its release? Wasn't there even ONE person who saw it and said,"Yo, dawg, dat's dope, yo, werd. But, yo! You misspelled 'shining'"? How could they spend millions on the production of the album and video and then hire some illiterate fuckass to write the subtitles? How? Because obviously all of the people involved in production of the video, especially the artists, ARE RETARDED. I caught the error the very first time I saw the video, and I was only watching it for the same reason I would listen to G. Gordon Liddy or Rush Limbaugh; to know more about what I think is stupid. If you're going to spend assloads of money, put it on MTV and BET and show it to millions of people on probably a half-hourly basis (on the rare occasions that they are actually showing music videos) wouldn't it make sense to proofread it to avoid looking like illiterate fucktards? There's no way you can play it off as the intentional misspelling that rappers always do, either. This isn't "dawgz," this is "SHINNING," I guess meaning "to SHIN." I guess when you're as stupid as G-Unit is anyway, literacy can't help or hurt your image. I wonder how many of their fans even noticed. I guess if you're stupid enough to think G-Unit is really cool, you're stupid enough to miss glaring spelling errors in bold capital letters at the bottom of your TV. In a way, though, I have to say I'm proud of G-Unit for employing people with physical disfigurements. Lloyd Banks proves that even if you have a hare lip and a lazy eye, you can make it as a big time rap star.
The fact that Bush is appointing his own "fact finding commission" to assess how faulty prewar intelligence was that led up to the Iraq war. Last time I heard something this preposterous was when O.J. Simpson offered a reward to anyone who could find Nicole Simpson's murderer. I wonder if Charles Manson or Ted Bundy would have been put in prison if they could have appointed their own fact finding commissions to see if they were guilty of any wrongdoing. Of course, a lot of conservatives will balk at the idea of me comparing Bush to serial killers. In a way you're right. There's really no viable way to compare them. Bush killed far more people to achieve his self-serving goals. I love how they call it "faulty intelligence," not "lying through their teeth to start a war."
The steam radiators in my apartment. Like my shower, they don't do warm. They do "North Dakota in February" and "Brazilian Rainforest." Not only are you never sure which they're going to do when, but you can be assured it will never be the one you'd prefer. When it's 50F out, you pour sweat, and when it's 20F out, you run to the hardware store to buy an electricity devouring space heater because the Super says the oil truck is going to be two days late because of the snow. Not only that, but you can bet that when the heat does kick in, it will announce its arrival at 4 in the morning on a Wednesday in the form of a clamorous banging as though a team of elves with copper hammers is attacking the radiator from within. They have strong arms, those elves... and they hate radiators.
Alcoholics whose home remedies for any kind of ailment ALWAYS contain alcohol. "You know what would help that cough?" "Hmm.. That's a nasty looking cut." "You know what would help that zit dry up?" "Ear infection, eh? I said, EAR INFECTION, EH?" "So your mother tells me you're pregnant." You 're never surprised when the first ingredient is brandy. Listen, Roscoe. I want to be healthy, not too drunk to care that I'm sick.
The fact that humans have been making medicines for thousands of years, the pharmaceutical industry is now a multi-billion dollar business, and they STILL haven't figured out how to make a cough syrup that's worth half a shit without tasting like kerosene.
Nerds who refer to specific Star Wars movies as ANH, TESB, ROTJ, TPM and AOTC. Come on, guys. You KNOW you're itching to be the first one to know the name of the next one so you can refer to it as FTJB or whatever on your fan page. By the way, all you trekkies who refer to Star Trek movies and shows by TNG, TWOK, TMP, etc. aren't allowed to laugh.
Any adult who has ever tried to spook a kid by saying that anytime they misbehave it's going to go on their permanent record. What kind of sick, sadistic asshole are you? I know that your fake reason for telling them this is that you're trying to instill in them a sense of responsibility, but you and I both know that no such record exists and that you're deriving far too much pleasure from it. You're filling kids with dread that any authority figure they encounter down the line will have access to their every indiscretion. They're not learning to be responsible. They're learning irrational phobias and paranoia. When you tell a kid that some misbehavior is going to go down on their permanent record, what you're trying to implant is the fear that they'll be 27 years old at a job interview, and will be confronted with, "Well, it looks like you're very well educated. We at NASA are quite impressed with your academic honors and awards in physics and mathematics. We would almost consider you to be the prime candidate to be the first astronaut that travels to meet the Zorgnon people on planet Choomvlax, however, we noticed that in fourth grade, you smushed mashed potatoes in Bobby Stephens' hair, and we really don't think that's the kind of behavior we'd be willing to condone, or the image that NASA would like to project. So I guess you'll just have to BE HOMELESS AND LIVE UNDER A BRIDGE AND SELL YOUR ORGANS JUST TO AFFORD MOLDY BREADCRUMBS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! MUHUHAHAHAHAHA! Just think! You could have had as much PIE and CANDY as you could ever want - IN SPACE, but NO! You had to smush those potatoes in Bobby's hair! Don't you feel GUILTY?! Don't you feel ASHAMED?! You should! No need applying for a job anywhere else as even a lowly tongue septic tank cleaner, either, because all employers are connected by a magical network to the permanent record of every bad thing you've ever done! The section that tells how many times you touched your peepee nearly broke my desk from the weight! See this? It's our latest top secret model of laser gun. It can instantly turn an M1 Abrams tank into a puddle of glowing molten metal when it's set on level 2, and it goes up to level 25. It's totally awesome, right? You'd like to touch it, wouldn't you? PSYCHE! I just thought I'd show it to you so you could know exactly what it is that you'll never get to fire at the carnivorous phantom slugs of the the planet Voompox in the Crab Nebula. Now get the hell out of my office! I can't stand to be in the same room as the person who did what you did to Shannon McCall in seventh grade! YOU KNOW what you did, and so does everyone else! DAMN, these antigravity boots that you'll never get to try are awesome! " Look. I know you're bitter that you studied really hard to get your masters, and that your teaching job barely pays your rent and student loan payments, but don't you think it's sick to take it out on an eight year old by fucking with his mind?
That retarded cliche in movies and TV shows where the "hero" cop who's going to break the case keeps being blocked at every turn by the hard-edged chief. The cop who breaks the law to nail the baddies is portrayed as a hero, yet the chief who tries to keep him in line is portrayed as a ball-busting meddler. Of course, the unruly cop ends up succeeding in the end, and by "succeeding" I mean "shooting the bad guy a dozen times in the chest, killing him, rather than arresting him so he can be tried," thus supposedly justifying his actions and proving that the chief was wrong to try to make him obey the law. Many times in these movies, the bad guy is arrested midway through and the court lets him go free because the evidence used to prosecute was collected improperly. Then the cop disobeys his chief's direct orders and continues stalking him, even if he's been suspended. Dirty Harry, Beverly Hills Cop, Miami Vice, The Last Action Hero, Lethal Weapon, The Crow, etc. It's become a trite standard. In swaggers the macho detective who's just too good at his job to play by the rules. The people in the office see him and rib the cop with "Look out for the Chief," to which he makes a nonchalant snap about their sexual orientation or inadequacy, beer belly, pile of papers on their desk, failures on the job, etc. or he threatens them physically like an asshole alpha male ape asserting his dominance. If the person giving him a hard time is a woman, this is done in a sexist passive aggressive manner in the form of telling her to fetch him some coffee or a file. The Chief then sticks his head out the door of his office and says angrily, "Mahoney, I want to see you in my office!" All the other cops then giggle among themselves. The whole thing reeks of softening public opinion about how hard cops try to do their jobs and how maybe we should be soft on them for bending the rules in order to get convictions. How many people are sitting in prison for crimes that they didn't commit because cops lied on the witness stand, "lost" exonerating evidence, or augmented the strength of the prosecution's case with fabricated or illegally acquired evidence? How many people have been killed or maimed by trigger-happy cops who thought they saw a kid chewing on the chocolaty end of a chrome plated gun with Three Musketeers printed on the side? SHOOT TO KILL! HE'S GOT A WALLET! "Well, Chief, how was I supposed to know the guy was holding house keys? I mean, in that neighborhood, I figure any shiny object held in one hand by a person who isn't the same color as me is a gun. I'm free to go because a lifetime of watching crooked TV cops portrayed as heroes has tainted the mind of every juror in the box? Cool!"
The announcer's fake, tense sports-announcer voice blurts in on tonight's episode of America's Most Reckless Police Chases, "The police have been chasing him for over an hour now! He just won't give up! Stare transfixed at the TV screen as the suspect's car weaves precariously between cars and through intersections at speeds of up to 115 miles an hour! Note how we never mention that the police cruisers are ALSO weaving precariously between cars and through intersections at speeds up to 115 miles an hour! That's because cop cars are made of NERF and don't kill or paralyze people when they hit them! They TICKLE! Of course, they would never end up hitting anyone anyway because cops have superhuman reflexes. Just ask Amadou Diallo! Police always put public safety first. Just ask Abner Louima! Also note that radio waves travel much faster than 115 miles an hour and could have dispached a team to lay spike strips across the road ahead and end the chase in minutes! Thank god for cops who want to be Indy 500 drivers, or we wouldn't have a show! Endangering the lives of civilians is good family entertainment!"
Are there good cops? Of course there are. Do we need police? Of course we do. What we don't need are cowboys who think a badge is a vigilante badass license or any additions to the gigantic heap of movies that glorify them.
FRONT PAGE TOP STORY ON DOZENS OF MAGAZINES AND NEWSPAPERS WORLDWIDE:
Regarding her recent breakup with human potato, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez issued the following public statement:
"I'm heartbroken."
Regarding Lopez's recent public statement and the media attention given to it, negativepositive issued the following public statement:
"I give a shit."
The fact that I can't turn on my TV for more than 5 minutes without seeing Ashton Kutcher 8 times on 6 different channels. "DUDE, WHERE'S MY TALENT? DUDE, WHERE'S THE JUSTIFICATION FOR ME NOT WORKING IN A MALL FOOD COURT?""
Guys who think that the fact that they gave Sam Ash music store a few hundred bucks of their money makes them a guitarist.
Junk email and pop-up ads that tell you to "CLICK HERE TO ELIMINATE JUNK EMAIL AND POP-UP ADS!" "Your computer MAY be infected with Spyware! Click here to ENSURE that it will be infected with Spyware."
Sexually repressed prudes who think that men who enjoy sex are sexist and demeaning to women and that women who enjoy sex are immoral sluts who cheapen the image of women. Maybe if you'd go out and find someone to fuck your brains out, you'd have less time for name calling and finger wagging. Oh, and by the way, this post isn't meant to exonerate people who fuck 30 different people per 24 hour period every day of the week and more on weekends and holidays. I'm just saying that having a healthy attitude about sex doesn't mean always "just saying no." There are people who are sexually obsessed, and there are people who have fun and don't feel guilty or ashamed about it. I can recognize the difference between the two. Why can't you? Your phobia is not a viable barometer for human behavior, so stop letting people know how they rate on your Evil Meter just because you've never had a decent blowjob.
People who check their voicemail and email about once every three weeks.
Anyone who uses the phrase "Bad Boy" to describe anything other than an actual boy who is bad.
(Pointing to a stuffed fish mounted on the wall of his mobile home) "Check out that bad boy!"
"I notice that it is not a boy..."
"Nope."(spit)
"Nor is it bad... "
"IT'S A CRAPPIE!"
"You're an idiot."
"WHOOT!"
People who call your number at some obscene hour and it's a wrong number, so, like a complete idiot, they hang up and CALL RIGHT BACK like it's going to be the right number this time.
(5:24am) *RING RING*
"Hello?"
"Hello?..."
"Hello?"
*CLICK*.....
(5:25am) *RING RING*
"Hello?"
*CLICK*
"GRRR..." *BOOP BOOP BOOP BOOP*
"Thank you for using our Star 666 service. To have a 275 pound brute sent to stomp on the head of the moron who just called you at some ungodly hour and hung up, at the expense of 300 dollars billed to his next phone bill, press 1."
*BOOP*
"Thank you. A hulking thug will be dispatched at 5am tomorrow morning to teach the moron how to use a phone the hard way. He is not a morning person, and does not know he's going to be awakened tomorrow morning, hence he will take great pleasure in making the idiot's elbows bend backward. Also, a high voltage electrode in the idiot's phone has been activated which will deliver an excruciatingly painful jolt that will knock him unconscious and possibly erase a good portion of his memory and motor skills should he ever dial your number again. His molars will definitely be shattered when his mandible adductor muscles clench involuntarily because of the surge of electricity. The activation of this electrode will cost the cretin 700 dollars. A DVD video of the beating, as well as a chilled bottle of Dom Perignon will be sent to your address, also billed to the idiot's phone bill, as our way of apologizing for allowing jackasses to own phones. If you would like soothing music to be played at this time, press 2."
*BOOP*
People who assume you're in on an inside joke and keep making reference to it like you know what the hell they're talking about. "Heh, not like the Mighty Walrus, eh? (Nudge Nudge) HAH! (Singing) I AM THE MIGHTY WALRUS! DOOT DOO-DOO DOOT DOO-DOO DOOT! HAH! (Nudge Nudge)"
People who aren't in on an inside joke but pretend to be to fit in. "Uhh... heh... Oh yeah... The Mighty Walrus! Heh!... Yeah... DOOT-da-DOOT! Heh... Yeah... Walrus..."
People who constantly make reference to an inside joke that you're both in on so often that not only is it not funny anymore, but you want to stab them in the face. "Enough with the fucking Mighty Walrus. It was never that funny to begin with. Jesus fucking Christ. AGH! Don't say it again! Dude. I'm going to punch you. I'm serious."
"I AM THE MIGHT- OWW, FUCKER!"
"What did I tell you?"
"DOOT DOO-DOO- OWW!"
Bands that are on the way out that resort to the hackneyed, trite, desperate last hope of lame artists who want to be taken more seriously, THE HUGE STRING SECTION. Elton John, Pink Floyd, Bjork, Guns and Roses, Metallica.. the list goes on and on. When you see the huge orchestra behind the band, you can be assured that they've peaked and all they'll be doing from now on are endless greatest hits albums, reunion tours, VH1 "Where Are They Now" specials, special guest appearances at other people's concerts and every few years they'll eat enough fiber to pinch off a steamy loaf of stuff that's not even close to being on par with what they used to put out - you know, to attempt to prove that they've still got it - and fail miserably in the process. Hey Axl Rose. You're in a metal band. What were you thinking?
Fans who would never admit or even fathom that it's possible that their favorite band could ever peak and be on the decline, even when they've been doing nothing but tours where they've played all their old songs for the past 25 years. "Hey, man! Lynard Skynard rocks more now than they ever did!" Do you smell milk before you pour it in your cereal? What if the sell-by date said March, 1977? Would you still use it and say it's great? Know what rocks about Lynard Skynard? March, 1977, and various drug / alcohol related illnesses that will kill off the remaining members in the next 10-15 years. C'mon, guys! Let's have some more plane crashes. It's the most interesting thing your band has ever done in the past. Keep the tradition alive!
Computer programs whose installers have background music. This would actually be ok, perhaps even exciting and neat, on installations that take 30 seconds to 2 minutes. I've been installing and patching Final Fantasy Online for over an hour and a half now and at this point, the music makes me want to stamp on kittens.
People that ask you if they can borrow a pen or pencil. Let's be honest here. Nobody ever really intends to borrow a pen in the literal take-use-give back sense. What they really mean is, "Hey! GIMME GIMME GIMME PEN FOR FREE!" When someone "borrows" a pen from you and walks away, just kiss it goodbye. It's gone forever. If they stand right next to you as they write, your chances of getting the pen back without teethmarks in it increase from 0% to about 15%. Don't shake your heads at this one. You aren't innocent. Everyone assumes they're in the very, very small group of people who actually give pens back. The fact of the matter is that they may actually THINK they're in this tiny minority, but they're mostly deluded, as pen theft is such a natural, unconscious thing for most people that they're surprised when someone (me) nails them for it, at which point they say something like, "Oh, I'm going to give it back. I'm not done with it yet," before they vanish into the ether with the pen.
People who try to tell you an anecdote but get caught up on completely irrelevant exposition involving people and places that you don't even know.
Mom: "Oh, c'mere! I've got a funny story. The other day I was at the grocery store and I saw your sister's second grade teacher. (Thoughtful pause) Do you remember her name?"
Me: "No idea."
Mom: "It's on the tip of my tongue. Was it Mrs. Davis?"
Me: "I don't know. I never had her. So what happened?"
Mom: "Hang on. Let me ask your father. Honey? What was her name?"
Dad from the living room: "I thought it was Ms. Smith."
Mom: "Was it Ms. Smith? I thought it was Mrs. Davis."
Dad: "The blonde one?"
Mom: "No, no. She has brown hair."
Dad: "Hmmm. Maybe she dyed it back then."
Me: "So what happened?"
Mom: "No, no. I don't think so. It was curly."
Dad: (Shrugs)
Me: "So what happened? Did she say something interesting?"
Mom: "Ohhh.. You're thinking of Mrs. Markham. She was the teacher across the hallway. I don't think any of our kids had her."
Dad: "Oh yeah, that's right."
Me: "So what was it that you were going to say about her?"
Mom: "Hmmm. Now that I think about it, I don't think it was Mrs. Davis. Was is Ms. Jeffries? Honey? Where are you going? Don't you want to hear my story?"
People who assume that they're an expert on something because they read an article in a magazine.
"Why do you cough so much?"
"I have asthma. My allergies aggravate it."
"No, that's got to be something else. Asthmatics don't cough, they wheeze and have shortness of breath. Also, asthma's not caused by allergies. It's caused by pollution."
"How would you know?"
"I read an article in Time a while back."
"So you're not an asthmatic."
"No."
"Well I am. I was diagnosed when I was seven. I think I know what I'm talking about from years of first-hand experience."
"Well if you want, I could show you the article."
"Good Idea. Then after you show it to me, you can bend over and I'll show it to your sigmoid colon."
News shows and newspapers that put stupid shit like cold weather as the top story as if it's actual news. It's cold? In January? In New York? NO SHIT? I was wondering what all that freezing air and solidified water outside was about. Thanks for spending the first third of the nightly news explaining it to me. I also find the side items accompanying these stories to be very helpful and informative. Without the news, I would never know that some people are complaining about their apartments not having heat or that when I go outside I should bundle up in layers and try to limit the amount of time I spend outside. Be sure to interview people on the street since they're always filled with such amazing insight. "Well... It SURE IS COLD!! HI MOM!" I'm glad that America has such high caliber journalists working hard to keep me abreast of important and unusual developments like the temperature getting down to 25, because that's just INSANE for something like that to happen in the middle of winter! Well, now that all that coldness has been explained to me, I guess I'll get online and check out The Guardian UK to see what's actually going on in my country. Hmmm... O'Niell, the Former US Treasury Secretary whom Bush fired said that the War in Iraq was planned only days after Bush took office - well BEFORE September 11th... HEY, WAIT! Why do I have to find this out from foreign sources? Oh, right.. I forgot. Because Rupert Murdoch would rather I just worry about it being cold outside.
People who run an FTP server that they won't quit obsessively fucking with long enough for you to upload or download a 4 meg file without resuming it 20 times.
Those horrible homemade Anime music videos. Look. I know you like Adobe Premiere. I do too. We know that you really, really want to play with it. So fucking film something and play with it. "Oh my god! This is so awesome! It's a rare, previously unreleased video of an Aphex Twin song! (120 meg download) Hmmm... It's Aphex Twin music... but why is the video just a shitload of stock Sailor Moon clips choppily edited together with no apparent correlation to the music? This is just stupid. I HATE YOU, INTERNET!"
The fact that if you buy a pair of Levis jeans at Sears it costs 30 bucks and if you buy the SAME FUCKING LEVIS JEANS at Urban Outfitters or some other trendy SoHo clothing store, it costs 80 bucks. What they fuck? Is the store you buy something in REALLY worth the extra money? The shit probably came off the same truck! It was probably even made by the same one legged Indonesian eight year old.
People from outside North America who get on IRC and speak in ebonics when they barely speak real English at all. Ebonics isn't shortform English that's intended as an easier to learn equivalent. It's just bullshit. It's big in popular American media for the same reason professional wrestling and Paris Hilton are big in popular American media; because popular American media HIGHLIGHTS STUPIDITY. If you can't ask me where the shoe store is, what the pretty girl's name is or how much the lemonade costs, you have no fucking business calling anyone "PEEPS."
People such as tech support people who assume that something is true about your computer that isn't and insist that it is even though you can see plainly from your end that it isn't. The other day I was doing payroll at work and there was a guy that had been working with us for a month that still wasn't in the computer. I called up payroll to ask for his ID number so I could add him in manually. I wasn't even asking for support, just his goddamn number.
"Hello. Joe Blow's not in the payroll so I need to get his ID number to add him in manually."
"He's in it already."
"Not on this end."
"He's there. Look harder."
"I understand how alphabetical order works and he's not there."
"He's there. You're just not seeing him."
"He's not. Can I just have his ID number please so I can enter his hours and finish up and get out of here?"
"He's already gotten paychecks. He HAS to be there."
"HE ISN'T."
"Well if you add him in manually, it's going to cause a double entry and it's going to mess up because he's already there."
"Want me to email you a screenshot? Don't you think I would have already looked thoroughly before I decided to call you? HE'S NOT THERE."
"(Sigh) His number is 48764. Don't complain to me when you mess it up."
"Whatever." *CLICK*
Punchline: Joe Blow got paid. Sub-Punchline: Joe Blow is STILL not in the computer and has to be manually added again this week.
Computer programs and games that crash all the time and tech support's best advice is not to do something to correct the problem, but that you should save often. In other words, yes, it's going to crash all the time and yes, that means you're pretty much fucked. Thanks for the money, sucker! Oh, and be sure to buy the next version. Heh.. it's got .. Heh .. fixes... yeah right ... HAHAHAH!
The trend in corporate America where if a company increases profits 15% in one year, the best of the rank-and-file employees get a 4% raise and the upper management give themselves multimillion dollar bonuses, and when the company increases profits less than 15%, they lay hundreds of people off with the excuse that the company is in financial dire straits... and the upper management give themselves multimillion dollar bonuses claiming that they deserve it for saving the company money. "HO- HO! I'll just put this giant heap of money on top of my other giant heaps of money! It's the least I deserve for ruining people's lives!"
Advertisements for personal ad services that feature really beautiful models, sometimes even WELL-KNOWN PORNSTARS, implying that these women and many more like them actually post ads looking for people to meet on the service. Do I need to spell it out for you? That girl with the amazing body, perfect skin, full lips, pearly teeth and huge catlike eyes is a model, not a customer. She has absolutely no trouble meeting men, and in fact probably gets hit on so often that she thinks it's really annoying, hence wouldn't even consider posting a personal ad ever. In fact, a company that could choose from any of thousands of models chose her to promote their webpage. They PAID her for the right to show her picture to millions of people. In fact, she probably doesn't even know for what product her picture is being used, since it was probably shot by a modeling agency which simply sells pictures to advertisers. By striking contrast, you PAID to be able to post an ad and reply to other people's ads. On one side of the scale we have "So beautiful that she's paid just for her looks since she's so appealing that people will go to the website just because she's hot," and on the other side of the scale we have "So desperate that he resorted to paying to try to meet women on a website since he has no luck in the real world." Her meal-ticket is her face and body, whereas you're adding 20 bucks to your monthly bills because nobody notices you, and if they do, they're not impressed.
That fucking "RIGHT THURRRR" song. A while ago, I was on the subway and someone was talking about this song, complaining that today's rappers have given up on coming up with actual rhymes, and have instead resorted to bending the pronunciations of words so even words that don't rhyme at all are made to rhyme because they're mispronounced. Personally, I think the guy was being overly picky and ignoring the broader picture, in that TODAY'S RAP MUSIC COMPLETELY SUCKS ASS FROM ANY STANDPOINT. Complaining about this minor detail of modern Hip hop is akin to passengers in the Titanic's dining room complaining that they ordered their steaks medium rare, not medium as the water is rising around their necks. But to avoid going on too much of a tangent, save about 30,000 keystrokes and to try to contain my headache, I'll just address this specific gripe.
For those lucky enough to be completely unfamiliar with this idiotic song, the rapper "Chingy" mispronounces the last word in every line of the chorus to sound like "URRRR," which conveniently rhymes with the sound that retards make, "DURRRR." "Hair" becomes "HURRRR." "There" becomes "THURRR." "Stare" becomes "STURRR." You get the point, and it makes me ill even to type it, so that's enough examples. That seems to be the trend in Hip hop though. The DUMBER and SIMPLER they make it, the more people eat it up. I need only to refer back to the immense success of "Whoomp - There It Is," "Who Let the Dogs Out," "Milkshake," "O.P.P." and the like to reinforce this theory. The guy's name is "Chingy," for fuck sake. Should we expect anything but inanity to come out of the mouth of someone who picked such a stupid name? The guy could have called himself anything, but "Chingy" was the limit of his creativity. It's like some gibberish that would take a half a second to make up. "YO YO YO! We got some special guests in the MTV Studio today! We got CHINGY, his DJ, TOOTYBOP, his producer, FROOFRAM, and his protégé, ZOWWIE-POOKER! They're here to promote their new single, 'WOOGA-BOOGA-GOOGA-FOOGA (WHAT! WHAT!)!'"
That "Milkshake" song is just as bad. The chorus, and I use the word "chorus" loosely since 99% of the song is just repeating the chorus over and over and over, goes:
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And they're like, 'It's better than yours'
Damn right, it's better than yours,
I can teach you, but I have to charge."
Yes indeed, the rap world has been intellectually deepened and enriched by a song about a GIRL SHAKING HER TITS SO GUYS WILL STARE AT THEM. That's fucking brilliant. It repeats so much that all you need is one accidental listening while you're stuck waiting in line at the cd store and it's stuck in your head for DAYS, clawing away at your sanity. The only words that actually rhyme with each other ARE THE SAME FUCKING WORD, "YOURS." "CHARGE" does NOT rhyme with "YOURS." "YARD" rhymes with NEITHER "YOURS" nor "CHARGE," yet it's used as if it does. This song is selling fucking millions of copies, and it's such a fucking lazily written piece of shit. The music is just a simple loop sample, and the lyrics are not only simplistic, but from any kind of poetic rhyme scheme, THEY'RE INCORRECT. If you're going to be a lazy asshole and just say the same line over and over until even people who hate your guts and wish they'd never had the displeasure of stumbling over your shitty song even once, and now know all the words because you couldn't be bothered to actually write a whole song before you went to publish it, then at least have the common decency to write something that isn't completely idiotic. Is that too much to ask? Fuck you. Why does this dumb bitch get to be famous anyway? What makes her special? She's as attractive as half the girls on my train. Her monotonous "singing" has all the melodic range of a tracheotomy buzzer. She doesn't play any instruments. And get this! As stupid as her song is, SHE DIDN'T EVEN WRITE IT. So WHY, WHY, WHY is she not making ACTUAL milkshakes at fucking Dairy Queen for a living? As much as her song sucks balls, she obviously sucked plenty of them herself to land a job as a recording artist on a major label.
The fact that 90% of the time that I make fun of idiots like Chingy the way I did above, the instantaneous, instinctive response from their simple minded ghetto troll fans is "Y'all just jealous!" You truly think so? Jealousy isn't really the right concept. What's my reaction when morons strike it rich and become household names? Disgusted? Yeah. Disappointed in people's tendency to be duped by those undeserving of any praise or even attention? Yeah. Infuriated that I have to hear their dogshit blaring out of every open car window? Definitely yes. Jealous? Fuck no. Jealousy would imply that I would trade my life for theirs. That would be somewhat short-lived, since the first thing I'd do as Chingy is stop putting out bullshit music, cease being an idiot - which his fans wouldn't be able to relate to, spit on all my fans for being so utterly worthless and stupid for letting me get away with selling garbage, and buy some decent clothes that don't make me look like a 16 year old kid who stole his dad's credit card. All of this would ensure that I'd be right back where I am right now in a matter of a few weeks. Am I jealous? No. In fact, I remember back in the early 90's there were a few idiots that I knew would flop fast who put out really stupid music. Their fans immediately reached for the old standard: "Y'all just jealous!" How is Vanilla Ice's career now? MC Hammer's? Once I was accused of being jealous of Jonathan Brandis when I voiced how much I hated his guts. How's he doing now? Oh yeah, that's right! HE'S FUCKING DEAD!
People who you generally agree with who are so fundamentalist in their world views that they completely blow you off over some minor thing as though relating to them is an all or nothing proposition. They expect you to be their clone. For instance, if you're liberal, they expect you to adopt every single liberal view or else you're an asshole.
"I hate Bush."
"Me too."
"Cool! I disagree with the war in Iraq."
"Me too."
"Cool! I'm against the Patriot Act."
"Me too."
" Cool! I'm against sweatshop labor."
"Me too."
"Cool! I'm in favor of improving our plan for housing the homeless."
"Me too."
"Cool! I'm totally into preserving freedom of speech."
"Me too."
"Cool! I'm Pro-Choice."
"Me too."
"Cool! I'm anti-death penalty."
"Me too."
"Cool! I think they should do more research on renewable fuels that are less polluting than oil."
"Me too."
"Cool! I think that eating meat should be outlawed and that all farm animals should be set free and we'll all be vegan."
"Well, actually. I kinda enjoy eating meat."
"OH WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE!"
"What?"
"And here I thought you seemed cool!"
"So we disagree on one little thing. What's the big deal?"
"Get the fuck away from me, HITLER!"
Role playing games where you have to fight rats, bugs and little birds to build up your character and wouldn't stand a chance in hell of defeating anything humanoid even if he's only armed with a wet sponge for the first week of gameplay.
Phone people. "Hey dude, what's up? I'm just hangin' around. Dude - this movie sucks. It's all about this guy... Hang on - got another call.......... You there? That was my mom. She's crazy. She's all like 'Blah Blah Blah.' Damn this movie sucks. So anyway. What are you up to? Hang on.... Hello? Sorry. That was my mom again. I wonder what her problem is. Have you ever seen this movie? Uhhh... it's got that one guy in it... Damn this movie sucks. (Long pause while they watch the movie.) Aw dude! Here comes my dog. Awww You're a snuggler! C'mere! My dog is the coolest. C'mere, dude! Hang on. I have to feed him..... Hello? Cool. So like, I'm supposed to go hang out with Jenny later. She's all 'Let's go do something!' So I said yes. I really don't feel like doing anything. Damn this movie is the worst! Hang on - I gotta pee. I'll call you back in a bit." (2.5 minutes later) *RING RING* "Hey. I'm back. Damn this movie is bad." *CLICK*
People who are very vocal about how their ugly, spoiled, obnoxious, unintelligent, filthy, rude, destructive, subhuman brat is "the most amazing miracle."
People who actually care about the stories in video games AT ALL. Worse, they act like it's one of the most important parts of the game, outweighing gameplay, graphics, bugginess and general fun.
"Dude! How did you like that game I recommended? It's my favorite right now. See, like, you're in this old mansion that your family has owned since the 1600's. You inherited it after a distant uncle was killed under mysterious circumstances."
"But... The graphics are really sloppy and the gameplay feels really bulky. Is there a control that makes it so the character moves faster than a 90 year old with broken legs? Also, the whole selecting the gun from the inventory and equipping it shit gets really old when you have to do it every single time you want to shoot. The developers must have been fucking retarded if they didn't think that would get amazingly irritating after the second or third time you did it. I've been looking around for a couple of hours and I STILL haven't found a way to restore health or ammo. And what the hell is the deal with not having an option to remap keys? That's standard shit in practically every game on the market. Like I really want to use W, A, D, X to move around and P to jump! Fucking P?!?!? Of all things... P?!?!?!? Did you see that zombie werewolf sea turtle looking thing? What the fuck was that shit? Then when you kill something, half the time it freezes there like a statue and doesn't fall down and you can walk through it and shit. One time I shot this rat frog looking thing and it just disappeared and the audio got stuck in this loop so it sounded like buzzing. They didn't even line the textures up right. It looks like people's faces are smeared around to the sides of their heads. God, what shitty graphics!"
"But dude, didn't you read the insert? They went to an actual castle mansion in Romania to model the environment. It's really interesting. Another awesome thing is that the two main developers are brothers. Did you get to the part where the Aunt tells you about the strange virus? See, the uncle was in a secret society. Ohhh, man! I'd better be quiet. I don't want to ruin it for you!"
"I uninstalled it."
"DUDE! Some obscure gaming magazine that only 24 people have heard of says the plot is, quote, suspenseful, unquote! They gave it their highest rating! Only that game, Valusoft Grocery Shopping Extreme and Emo Moping Pro 2 have gotten their highest rating! Dude! You should give it a chance! You haven't even gotten to the part where the groundskeeper tells you about the uncle's affair! Ohhh, man! There I go spilling the plot again!"
This whole Metrosexual trend. Make it fucking stop already. As though it wasn't hard enough to find men in this country that weren't complete pussies, now women seem to WANT men to be their hip gay friend EVEN WHEN THEY'RE STRAIGHT. It's fucked up that people are actually becoming accustomed to the idea that straight men are supposed to be interested in lotion and manicures and aromatherapy candles, and what's worse, now I'm apparently not qualified to pick out my own clothing or furniture unless I have a "Queer Eye." The TV airwaves are loaded to the gills with "makeover" shows that attempt to make guys dress and decorate like they're gay. They always have the guy's girlfriend declaring a "fashion emergency" because he dresses like (get this) A NORMAL GUY. The "before" shots on these shows generally show guys wearing t-shirts, jeans, baseball hats, sneakers, and other quintessential HETERO-GUY-WEAR with the gay fashion police gasping in horror and laughing derisively that the guy would actually wear clothes that aren't dry-clean-only. Here's a novel idea. How about instead of changing the guy's appearance so he looks like a clone of one of the makeover guys, why not smack his girlfriend around for being a shallow cunt and not liking him the way he is and making him conform? Heaven forbid that his appearance should be based on his own individuality and what he's comfortable wearing and not his girlfriend's contrived, superficial expectations. Am I homophobic? No. Not at all. I have absolutely no problem sharing the world with gay men, as long as straight men can have the opportunity to meet women who aren't just looking for a guy who they can call "Girlfriend." Look. We don't care if our shirt is an exact complimentary color for our pants. We can wear a shirt without even knowing or caring what brand name it is or what fabric it's made from. Prada? What's that, a soft drink? When we think of the word "facial," the first image that comes to our minds is a guy blowing his load all over a girl's face, not an afternoon in a spa with classical music playing softly and pore opening fruit extracts on our faces. Why the fuck would we pay good money to have some quack rub mango pulp on our skin? That's valuable gambling / electronics purchasing / stripper tipping / traffic cop bribing / pay per view porn watching / automobile accessory buying money. We don't care if our hands are a little dry. Stray eyebrow hair? Who gives a fuck? Wax isn't for eyebrows, it's for cars. We aren't girls and we aren't gay. LEARN TO LIKE THIS FACT! Do not attempt to alter this reality. There are many benefits that come with dating real men. Having a guy who instantly notices and compliments your new purse and enjoys shopping with you at Bath and Body Works is not necessarily one of them. Want someone who listens like Richard Simmons? Then fucking call him up. We're men! We listen in a different way than women do... and that is to say that we pretty much DON'T LISTEN. We kinda listen a little bit, to the extent that we get the gist. We remember broad concepts like you were pissed at someone or were happy to see someone. We won't remember names or places or who said what to whom and wore the same thing as someone else. We hit a point that we just nod and occasionally go "uh-huh" when you rattle on too long. We're not Oprah, hence our brains turn off listening mode when you've talked about the same subject for more than 90 seconds. We won't always notice when you cut 1/10th of an inch off your hair even if you paid the salon 200 bucks to do it. We don't notice when you buy a new pair of shoes that looks almost exactly the same as 10 other pairs you own. Think my living room would look cooler with a bright yellow couch with purple throw pillows? Then you just keep that little idea to yourselves. We're MEN! GET USED TO THE IDEA! Should I state the obvious? Why should I trust the aesthetic sense of someone who thinks HAIRY MAN ASS is really gorgeous and woman ass exists merely because women need to take a shit sometimes?
Deodorant, toothpaste, breathmints, etc. that have a stripe that is advertised to be the "POWER STRIPE." Because, after all, same shit plus blue dye equals POWARRRR!
Anyone who interjects into a nostalgic conversation about 80's cartoons like G.I. Joe, The Transformers, MASK, etc. to add, "Dude! Captain Planet was kick-ass!"
Morrissey.
Comic strips that have 14 frames with gigantic dialogue bubbles in each frame with a wordy dissertation in each one. The hallmark of someone who's really bad at writing humor is making me sit through 100 bucks worth of exposition to get to the 50 cent payoff.
People who join a channel on IRC with the topic (in all caps) "SPEAK ENGLISH ONLY," and the very first thing they do is say, "Somebady speaks Türkýýsh?????///"
People who sat through a movie that they had only a faint comprehension of, but since it's a respected foreign/art/indy film, they list it among their favorites in an attempt to make people think they're intellectual.
The music segment of Saturday Night Live. I've hated this since I was a little kid. They either get some band that NOBODY likes, or some band that's really trendy at the time whose hit single you've already heard 20 million times. I see it as a lame time filler so they don't need to draw out their interminable unfunny sketches EVEN LONGER.
People who ask me really, REALLY stupid questions.
"What time should I be there tomorrow morning?"
"Seven."
"AM?"
(gritting teeth) "...............No............... You should be there at seven PM tomorrow morning. SCHLORPP CRACK SPLISH BLOOP!"
At this point, there's no more dialogue because the tentacles leap out of my eye sockets and crush his skull like a rotten cantaloupe under a car tire.
People who think that the definition of a Leftist is someone who doesn't think Republicans should be allowed to get away with whatever immoral, illegal, self-serving shit they want to do.
New York City public schools that take classes on field trips using subways. I don't take a school bus to work. Want to know why? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE SURROUNDED BY FIFTY SCREAMING TWELVE YEAR OLD BRATS!
People who haven't found any new music that they enjoy in the last 25 years. Sure, Pink Floyd was great. The Doors were interesting. The Beatles had their moments. Fucking GET OVER IT. I can understand your feeling that most modern pop music is dogshit. It is. However, if you're reading this, you have internet access, hence you have NO EXCUSE for not exploring new music. There's an assload of great music that will never see 3 seconds of MTV airplay. Fucking find it and STOP WHINING, you fucking antiquated monomaniac. Refusing to give anything a chance unless Jerry Garcia colaborated with it doesn't make you "very selective" so much as it makes you a bigot with blinders on. Also, scouring the internet to find 450 bootleg concert recordings of the Rolling Stones singing the EXACT SAME SONGS over and over and over does not qualify as "finding new music to listen to." Oh, and by the way... Bruce Springsteen FUCKING BLOWS and he ALWAYS DID.
The fact that almost every movie out now has become little more than a ninety minute commercial for its officially endorsed fast food chain, car, clothing store, Starbucks, laptop computer, PDA, online service, cell phone, motorcycle, leather jacket, gum, soft drink, Baskin Robbins sundae, candy, shoes, band, camcorder, video store, TV channel, etc. etc. etc.
Women who don't know where to draw the line between using cosmetics to enhance their existing features and attempting to use liquid base to sculpt the head of a more attractive woman on top of their own. If you scrunch your nose and a flurry of plaster chips rains down, you just might be using too much. Nice orange collar, by the way, you iridescent tropical fish.
The fact that if someone says they worship the imaginary entity Satan, most people think, "Holy shit! That guy's insane!" Yet if they worship the equally imaginary entity Jesus, people think, "He seems like a really mentally stable person. I think a good quality in people is that they live in a fantasy world where invisible angels are waging a constant war against invisible demons for dominion over the human soul. That guy gets my vote next November!"
People who email me to tell me that they're disappointed in my page because something wasn't 100% factual, like I'm the Encyclopædia fucking Britannica. "Your reference to aggressive males having double y chromosomes is somewhat inaccurate because in test groups of men with double y chromosomes, they did not notice as much of an increased tendency for aggressive behavior as you make out, and not all aggressive criminal males have double y chromosomes." Well, fuck. Now I'll have to go back to medical school so I can learn to write more ACCURATE comedy. See, back when I was studying double y chromosome males in the hopes of one day writing 100% scientifically valid humor about them, I guess I was just too focused on getting my Doctorate. Sorry if I fucked up your thesis by publishing scientifically flawed humor. I didn't figure it would end up in your bibliography. When I wrote it, I didn't think anyone would be using it to study for their medical exams. The way I see it, if you're smart enough to get into medical school, you should be smart enough to sort absolute fact from humor, and yes, they can be mutually exclusive of each other and still work. I guess daddy must have greased a few people to get you in. When you get your own practice, I'm going to show up at your office complaining of possible hernia pains. When we're standing there, alone in your cold, sterile office, with my balls in your hand and you ask me to cough, I'm not going to. I'm just going to stand there with a creepy grin on my face as you fondle my balls asking me repeatedly to cough and to stop looking at you like that.
People who cry and complain about the advancement of technology. "Just when I spent $800 bucks on the best VCR money could buy, they came out with fucking Laser Disc... Now it's whoop-DEE-doo DVD! I guess they think I should just throw my Nikon n90 away because some assholes decided that digital was gonna be the next big thing. A few years ago I spent 250 bucks on a Voodoo 1 Video Card for my PC, and then like a year later they had something that was way better. In fact, my computer is pretty much obsolete for any new video games or applications. They must just be making the video games bigger and bigger and more and more resource-hogging on purpose! What the fuck! I just bought that computer four years ago! It's practically brand new the way I see it! It's a racket! They just keep coming out with better and better stuff just to make you spend money. Fuck them! I'll just play DOOM 1 until the end of time!" Look, Gramps. It isn't a conspiracy. They're not out to get you. That is the INHERENT, DEFINING nature of technology: IT GETS BETTER AND BETTER. That's what technology does. That's the whole fucking point. Don't like it? Take your little typewriter out to your little Montana cabin and follow in Ted Kaczynski's footsteps. Become a fucking Quaker for all I care.
Comics, TV shows, etc. where they run out of legitimate ideas so they turn to "Hey... What if Captain Kirk was in NAZI GERMANY!" "Ok like, it's Batman... BUT HE'S A MEDIEVAL KNIGHT!" Has the creative well run completely dry?
3D Shooter games that STILL don't have any sort of variable hit recognition. In "Freedom Fighters," if you shoot a guy in the face at point blank range with a sniper rifle, you'd better keep him in your cross hairs, because it counts for the same amount of damage as if you hit him in the foot from 100 yards with a pistol. In other words, get ready to shoot him two or three more times.
People who only buy DVD's of movies that you're already going to see on cable so many times that you could puke. Great way to spend 20-30 bucks there, mister common sense. Goodness knows you'll never see The Matrix again. Better get a hard copy just in case they stop showing it 8 times a day on multiple channels. You'll root through their DVD collection hoping to find something interesting and it reads off like a Blockbuster Video ratings chart. Ahh, let's see... We have Charlie's Angels, Spiderman, The Lion King, A Christmas Story, X-men, Jurassic Park, Minority Report, AI, Titanic... Gee. You basically have every movie that I could have tripped over 1000 times. I could have seen any of these far more times that I could have ever wanted to BY ACCIDENT on even basic cable. Odd that you don't have anything even slightly obscure. These are the guys who see Forrest Gump in the theatre five or six times, then watch it on HBO four or five times, then rent it a couple of times and then finally buy it. Guess what. It's the SAME EVERY TIME. There is nothing more you can glean from this movie. Some movies might need a second viewing to absorb all the details, but Forrest Gump is not one of them, and ANY movie is squeezed dry after three or four viewings, unless you're a vegetable. As you're standing in Virgin, about to slap down 27 bucks for a movie you've seen so many times you can quote all the lines with the audio turned off, look around. See all those thousands of little DVD boxes? In them are OTHER MOVIES, that you HAVEN'T seen 30 times. Not only that, but this is a mere fraction of the movies that are out there to see, and get this... many of them are even... GOOD.
The way that instant messaging programs like MSN Messenger, Yahoo! Messenger, AIM, etc. release new versions all the time and the only noticable changes are additional means of advertising to you in much more irritating ways.
People who haven't figured out how to post binaries on usenet without breaking them into 700,000 chunks that are each 12Kb.
The fact that you need to be over 21 with ID to buy non-alcoholic beer, yet you can buy Listerine, Scope, Robitussin, etc. when you're 6. Yes, I know that "non-alcoholic beer" has like .00000000000000001 percent alcohol, but that's still way less than is in mouthwash.
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung." --Voltaire
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken or sung is rapped." --negativepositive
People who use my desk for 30 minutes and it seems like it would have taken two days of solid work and a well planned checklist just to accomplish the meticulously thorough fucking up of my stuff. After they're finished, I sit down and notice that my chair is too short and the resistance is cranked way down on the tilt. Then I notice that my monitor is tilted way up, my mouse pad is down near the edge of the desk and that my keyboard is shoved almost halfway under the front edge of the monitor. At this point, I'm already pissed. My nose and eyes burn from a miasma of perfume that hangs over my desk like a cloud of mustard gas; enough perfume to make a rhino smell like a French whore for months. I reach for my stapler and notice that some left handed bastard has moved it, along with my tape dispenser, post-it notes and paper clips to the left side of the desk. I pick a big, gooey crumb of blueberry muffin that is partially dissolved by slobber out from between the U and Y keys of the keyboard with a pencil. My staple puller has about 30 staples stuck on one of its jaws like it's the multiple-pierced eyebrow of a Slipknot fan. I reach for my pen jar and find that there's only one pen left out of the 20 or so that I remember being there. As soon as I touch it, I feel that the end is all chewed up and that it's STILL FUCKING WET WITH DROOL. I throw my last pen in the trash and notice that there's almost no room in the wastebasket because it's filled over the rim with enough garbage to make a new Staten Island even though only 30 minutes ago there was a Pepsi can and a couple of pieces of paper in it. I look at the garbage and notice that part of it, crumpled up and stained by coffee beyond any hope of restoration, is the only copy of a project that I spent six hours working on yesterday. I also see bits of broken glass and determine that it's from the picture frame that USED to be hanging on my wall. No other parts of the picture or frame can be found anywhere. I turn on the computer monitor and step back in time to 1992 as the resolution is set to 640x480 8 bit color. Not only that, but they took the fucking time to CHANGE THE COLOR SCHEME AND SET THE DESKTOP IMAGE TO A PICTURE OF TWO FAT PEOPLE THAT I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE IN MY LIFE. They look like a happy couple and all, but the girl has a bigger mustache than the guy and WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING ON MY COMPUTER?!?!?! At this point, while changing my password, I find that the Backspace key is no longer attached to the keyboard, but is instead just resting loosely, balancing on its broken stalk. I reach for the mouse and my arm lays in a sticky, brown circle left behind by a coffee cup that must have had 18 sugars in it. As I move the mouse, I notice that the cursor skips around and is inaccurate. I turn the mouse over and see a big wad of filthy fuzz that looks like five year's worth of Cap'n Lou Albano's belly button lint as well as more soggy muffin chunks. After spending about 15 minutes reconfiguring the printer, whose drivers seem to have magically vanished and now only spits out page after page of random ascii characters from top to bottom, I decide to go online. Wow! My homepage has been set to the "Soap Opera Digest" homepage! I hit "favorites" to set it back the way I had it and find that 17 new bookmarks have been added, mostly for things such as "Dr. Phil," which I despise. I pick up the phone to call the person and gripe, but as I'm about to put the handset to my head, I notice that the ear and mouth pieces look like they've been smeared with bacon grease. Update Mar 1,'05: Today I opened something I had been working on in Word. Nearly every word on the page had that little squiggly red "misspelling" line under it. I opened the spellcheck settings and found that the spellchecker had been set to ARGENTINIAN SPANISH. Gee, I wonder how that could have happened, Ms. Vila.
Cam Sluts who think that being a Cam Slut is the same thing as being a Model.
Americans who think they're intellectuals because they use British pronunciations whenever there's a difference from the American English pronunciation, I.E. "again = ah-GAIN, been = bean, tomato = to-MAH-to, privacy = PRIVVacy, advertisements = adVERTissments, vitamins = VITTamins, patronize = PATT-ruh-nize." You don't sound intelligent, you sound fake and pretentious. Stop trying so hard, you fucking stuffed shirt.
The ghetto trolls that live below me that think that it's perfectly ok to blast the very worst music on the entire planet through concert speakers at full blast ALL DAY. RAP, SPANISH SHIT, REGGAE and the WORST OF TECHNO blasts through my floor so loudly that it sounds like I'M playing it loudly, and IT ALL SOUNDS THE FUCKING SAME! In Moronland, the quality of music is inversely proportional to how loudly it's played, and they prove this theory with flying colors. Then when I get tired of my furniture rattling and stomp on the floor, they come upstairs and start barking at me in that ghetto Rikki Lake guest way that only a Bronx high school dropout can. Like inbred talk show guests, they essentially seem to believe that screaming at me louder than I scream at them justifies doing whatever they want; that a loud stereo is its own justification, that buying it buys the license to play it at 250 decibels 24 hours a day.
Lame excuses I've heard so far:
"It's not coming from my apartment." Oh, then I guess you won't mind if I jump on the floor over the heads of the people who ARE really blasting that garbage. Go back to your little rathole then. Since it's not you, I guess it wasn't me stomping on the floor either.
"It's not that loud." Oh, of COURSE it isn't. The water in my aquarium is rippling because there's a Tyrannosaurus outside like on Jurassic Park.
"BUT IT'S A SATURDAY!" Because that matters somehow. Loud dogshit sounds the same regardless of what day it is.
"What do you mean turn my shit down? That's not shit, that's MUUUUUSIC!" Shit sounds like music to morons, I suppose. Like I'm going to say, "Ohhhh - I thought it was shit. It's music? Ok then. Carry on."
"I pay my rent." Like I don't. The difference is, my neighbors don't call the cops on me 5 times a day.
"Faggot!" If you can't think of anything intelligent to say, do the next best thing: show the world how much of an idiotic, bigoted asshole you are with unfounded insults. So I guess you concede that you have no valid arguments then.
"I can do whatever I want in my apartment!" Sure you can. Blast your stereo. Hide corpses. Blow up hydrogen bombs. Do whatever you want. After all, you pay your rent.
"It's a holiday!" So much for anyone but you enjoying it.
"We pay more rent than you." Like you would even know. Plus, lower-level apartments are not known for being The Ritz, so I doubt it. Yeah, obviously the apartment that opens up at street-level into the middle of a BUS STOP and has fresh graffiti on the door two or three times a day so the half inch thick spray paint is never really dry is the one that's in demand. So paying more rent plays into some sort of rock-scissors-paper right to annoy the the living shit out of people around you? Help me with the logic.
"We can hear you walking around sometimes." Yep. Humans walk, at least most of them. Being "able to hear" me walking around is not the same as it sounding like fucking Ja Rule is in my living room, standing on a stack of concert speakers, yelling for 8 hours solid. If that was happening, I'd spray him with Raid and kick him so hard in the nuts that the pubes would shove up through his body and his shitty little prepubescent mustache would finally grow in right. Actually, now that I think of it, that would be pretty fun to do even if I saw Ja Rule walking down the street minding his own business, that little punkass!
"We can hear you stomping on the floor like you're jumping." GEE! I WONDER WHY I WOULD DO THAT! It couldn't have anything to do with being tired of my feet vibrating in 4/4 time all day long. Last time I checked, stomping on the floor while the neighbor below is blasting shitty music for hours is sort of universally understood to mean "SHUT THE FUCK UP, ASSHOLES!"
Then they try to insult my intelligence by lying right to my face about shit that we both know isn't true. "Yeah, well last night around 5am you were blasting music." I haven't been awake at 5am in months. "Yeah, well two nights ago you were blasting music and jumping." On the night in question, nobody was even in the apartment. This post might grow. I imagine (and hope) they'll eventually get evicted. In any case, it was funny watching them argue most of the same points with the cops and having the cops just tell them to turn their stereo down or they'll get a summons. "BUT IT'S SATURDAY!" How fucking stupid do you have to be to yell at the cops when they are telling you to comply with the law, and are telling you what the law is, and you're arguing back with your ignorant, incorrect assumption about what YOU THINK the law should be? "Hell yeah, I killed him, officer! He pissed me off! So what?! But... IT'S A SATURDAY!"
The pretentious names for the sizes of coffee at Starbucks. Here's a novel concept. SMALL! MEDIUM! LARGE! Noooo. You have to be annoying and special (special meaning retarded, not unique). Where else but fucking Starbucks would "Tall" mean anything but Large? Noooo. At Starbucks, "Tall" means The SMALLEST SIZE! Well that TOTALLY makes sense. When I think of something tall, the first thing that comes to mind is "diminutive." Then you have "Grande." Oh, please tell me this means Large. Does it? Tell me, please! The suspense is killing me! "Grande" literally means "Large," so obviously this is Large, right? WRONG! "Grande" means MEDIUM in Starbucks Land. WHAT? So what is "Large" at Starbucks, if not "Tall" or "Grande?" "Venti." Huh? What the fuck does that even mean?!?!?!? It's Italian. It means "Twenty." WHAAAAAAT?!?!?!? WHY?? Someone strangle whoever came up with this shit. What's worse is that the little 6 buck an hour high school dropout drones they have working there get all righteous on you if you ask for a Large. "Uhhh.." they say as they sneer sarcastically, "a VENTI?" IT'S LARGE! Always has been, always will be. Now pour the fucking coffee in the biggest cup so I can be on my way to my job where I make enough that I can afford to drop FIVE DOLLARS FOR A CUP OF COFFEE! Jesus. Don't get me started on that.
"Hey. You got any tea?"
"You mean Tazo Chai?"
"DIE! DIE! DIE, YOU PRETENTIOUS SHIT!"
Fake Lois Vuitton, Coach, Fendi, Burberry, Gucci purses, wallets, etc. What's the fucking point? First off, that diarrhea brown with the zillion logos is fucking ugly, but more amusingly, anyone who's likely to be impressed can tell it's fake without taking a second look. The only reason anyone would wear that nasty brown with the gaudy logos everywhere is because items by the actual designer are exorbitantly overpriced and the buyer wants to make sure everyone thinks that they wasted a bunch of money. Nice fake Coach purse. What does the G stand for, "GOACH?" You bought it only for the logo, so why would you buy something with a logo that is so obviously fake that someone can figure it out with only a passing glance? Beyond that, anyone who bought the genuine article deserves to be laughed at for wasting their money. So basically, you're a dumbass whether it's real or not.
Online forms, particularly for secure logins or web-based email, that allow you to begin typing before they're fully loaded, then the cursor jumps back to the beginning of the first box, so you look up and see:
User ID: sswordUsername
Password: Pa
Video games that would be really easy if the controls weren't so completely fucked.
Self-appointed Movie Reviewers who HATE EVERYTHING in an attempt to look snotty and elite and sophisticated. "Look Elsewhere," is their favorite phrase, as Almighty Cinema Gods. "I AM ABOVE THIS. DO NOT TRIFLE WITH SUCH INANITY. I HAVE DEEMED THIS FILM UNFIT. LOOK ELSEWHERE. SO SAYETH THE BORED NERD." The only movies they say they like are those which they would be totally derided for panning. IMDB is a great place to find these pretentious twits. This guy totally couldn't see the point of movies like Fight Club, The Mission, Pi, Kids, and Rushmore, and offers this advice to anyone interested in seeing Akira: "If you want a good animation feature rent The Little Mermaid." Oh, WHOOPS! Did your utter lack of taste just peek out there? Can I fetch you a heaping serving of Total Recall, which you gave an 8 out of 10, or maybe some Hudson Hawk, which you touted as "an enjoyable lark." You hated Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas because it "Wasn't The Big Chill"and recommend that "American Boomers" should avoid it. The simple fact that this ignoramus cluelessly thought that the fucking Baby Boomers are who it was aimed at should show how invalid his opinions are. I love how these smarmy little shits review EVERYTHING and will completely trash anything that is fairly universally regarded as unique, artistic or interesting, then their crappy tastes will peek out and reveal the horrible lack of objectivity of their criticism. The only time they won't rip something to shreds is when it wins an OSCAR, because after all, winning an Oscar means the movie is completely above criticism </sarcasm> (although this particular guy hates nearly everything). They even go so far as to note specific things about movies, which, if fixed, would have made an otherwise "shitty" film Oscar-Worthy. Oh, thanks for your creative input, Mister Certified Public Accountant / Gas Station Attendant / Lawn Care Specialist / Telemarketer / Waiter / Security Guard. I'm sure Scorsese and Copolla are hanging on your every syllable to see how your artistic vision could enrich and strengthen their filmmaking styles and maybe help them win an Oscar next year. It couldn't be much more obvious who we're dealing with, when this guy said he "Recommends X-men highly," and liked Big Momma's House for its "really rib-tickling slapstick," but then says "The Thin Red Line just confused me." Side note: Yeah - I know I wreck a lot of movies on my Movie Ruiner, but then, it's a Movie RUINER. The difference is - I'm doing it to be funny. Sure - Those geeks are funny... but not intentionally.
PROFESSIONAL Movie Reviewers who LOVE everything. Could you make it more obvious that you're just paid to hype? You're not a reviewer, you're an ADVERTISER. It couldn't have been much more obvious when they gave Donnie Darko two thumbs up and four stars. I know a lot of people liked that corny teen scream bunch of lame computer animation, but come on. Four stars? The HIGHEST POSSIBLE RATING? Please. Citizen Kane, Casablanca, The Godfather, The Shawshank Redemption, Apocalypse Now... Donnie Darko. ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS - ONE OF THESE THINGS DOES NOT BELONG.
Anyone who has the slightest iota of sympathy for Rush Limbaugh.
First he resigned from ESPN for making blatantly racist remarks, which, of course, he still doesn't think were racist, since racism is so deeply rooted in his persona as a keystone of his character that he can't even tell when he's saying something racist. In a way, it's almost understandable that he doesn't realize that what he said was offensive. His usual audience not only agrees with his racism, but lauds him for it. He's used to speaking to his army of millions of "Dittoheads" who all nod feverishly in agreement with everything that spouts out of his roaring noise tube, because they're just as racist as he is. The only difference now is that he finally got called on it. He didn't say anything all that different than what he's been saying for years on the radio. He's just not accustomed to speaking to the more neutral audience that watches football commentary. When Hitler spoke to Nazi Germany, they cheered. If he spoke at Madison Square Garden, they would scream for his blood. When you go on the Rush Limbaugh Show and say that a black athlete is being praised simply for being black, all the Dittoheads nod, nod, nod. When you go on a sports show on national tv and say it, you get to resign for being a racist dumbass.
Then he got busted for illegally using the prescription painkiller (and party drug), OxyContin, which is a federal offense. His housekeeper brought the story to the news, and like any other story of a poor person who busts a rich person, the media immediately questioned her credibility. Then Rush admitted to his addiction and his illegal buying of OxyContin on his own show. Still the media questioned the housekeeper's motivation in bringing the story forth, even after Rush admitted his guilt. I guess when you're a complete asshole, the people you step on don't go out of their way to protect you.
For years, Rush and most Republicans, have called for harsher and harsher penalties for drug dealers and users. They have advocated such punishments as labor camps or life in prison and even the death penalty for people found guilty of what they see as an unforgivable crime. In his OWN WORDS, he said the government should "find the ones who are getting away with it, convict them, and send them up the river" The Dittoheads, of course, agreed wholeheartedly, and voted Republican in record numbers. Many Republican politicians say publicly that they have Rush to thank, at least in part, for the fact that they are in office. Rush has indoctrinated massive leagues of Americans with his fascist beliefs, so WHERE ARE THEY NOW? Where are those hard-line conservative values? Where is that militant determination to make America clean and pure the way Jesus would want it? Where are all the Republicans looking to nail the junkie to the fullest extent of the law? Now that Rush himself has been busted for illegal use of OxyContin, where are the masses of Dittoheads crying for the head of the dastardly evildoer? If they truly believe that all drug offenders should be "sent up the river," why should that treatment be too harsh for one of their own? "Well that's different, because, well... uhhh... hmmm... he's...uhhh... he's uhh..." HE'S RICH AND WHITE AND CONNECTED. Those are the words you're searching for, fucking hypocrites! Why should he get away with it, because you like him? Should he be exempt from following the law because he's on fucking TV? What are the Dittoheads crying? "Life in prison?" "Hang him?" "He's a hypocrite?" "He lied to us?" NO WAY! They're crying, "POOOOR, POOOOOR RUSH! He's a sad, lonely man who deserves our sympathy (unlike those lower class minorities who get busted for the exact same crime). He has chronic pain (sort of like the chronic pain that MOST people in the working class have). He's had a hard, unfulfilling life (though we couldn't give half a shit how hard or fulfilling someone's job flipping burgers or soldering circuit boards is)." What do I have to say? FUCK RUSH. I've hated his guts for years for being such a pompous, egotistical, backwards Nazi who's so in love with his own voice that he probably has to wipe the cum off his shorts after each show. Now I get to hate him and his Dittoheads even more for being blatant hypocrites. He's sad and unfulfilled? Bullshit. He's SUPER RICH and hosts the most listened to talk radio show in history. He's lived a life of privilege and glut. He's a force in American politics that can't be ignored. He's lonely? He's got fucking teeming hordes of millions of fans! He's got chronic pain? DON'T WE ALL? Why won't they hold him up even to HIS OWN standards? Simple. He's RICH, he's got Republican friends in high places, he's famous and he's WHITE, which, in the eyes of American conservatives makes him simply a respectable citizen who's fallen on hard times, and makes the crime somehow different than if it was committed by a minority living in a crappy neighborhood and squeaking by on a biweekly paycheck that's less than Rush spends on his gourmet lunch daily. If it's Rush, "HE NEEDS OUR HELP!" If it's someone who's not lucky enough to own a 30 million dollar house like Rush does, "FUCK EM! THROW 'EM IN JAIL AND LEAVE THEM THERE!" If you're Rush, and you buy 30,000 OxyContin pills, they leave you alone. If you're Joe Blow from the South Bronx, they ruin your life over a couple of ounces of pot. Of course, Rush and his followers believe that the poor deserve no help at all, and that includes legal help. When the uneducated poor turn to selling drugs as their only remaining means of making real money, or use drugs as a desperate means of coping with their squalid existence, Rush and his listeners want them prosecuted with impunity. Public defenders in America are for all intents and purposes paid to offer the Justice system the path of least resistance, practically coercing guilty pleas from most who seek their help. "You'd better just go ahead and plea bargain, if you know what's good for you. You want a new lawyer? Well, I'm the lawyer assigned to you. If you want, you could hire your own lawyer, but then you'd probably end up paying massive legal bills while your family starves for the rest of your life, so you'd be better off just signing here on the dotted line." Rush won't be needing their "services." No doubt he already has a top notch lawyer, nay, LEGAL TEAM hard at work. Mark my words, Rush will never see so much as the lobby of a Federal prison (or courthouse for that matter) for this, which will prove the hypocrisy and hidden purpose of the right wing's War on Drugs. It was never a war on drugs in the first place. It's always been a war on minorities and the under class, because if you're white and rich and have powerful friends, you never do time, but if you're a societal "undesirable" (aka poor and black), you're FUCKED. The fact that Rush will walk away from this clean will prove whom the War on Drugs was designed to hurt, whom it was designed to serve, and whom is exempt from its laws. Treat Rush the same way you treat other drug offenders. Toss him in the fucking slammer. Maybe you should donate his entire estate to charity, while you're at it. (Side note: Donating money to the Republican Party is the exact polar opposite of charity.)
Why does this picture seem so familiar?
Oh yeah, now I remember. Self-righteous hypocrites always put on a hell of a show when they get nailed.
People who only seem to hear you when you aren't talking to them.
Girls who wear ruffled, frilly bras under tight babydoll t-shirts. Those look hot when all you're wearing is a bra, but under a smooth, form-fitting shirt, smoothness is key. Congratulations. It looks like you stuffed your shirt with broccoli.
Turn-based role playing games. Whose idea was this? Obviously it was someone who has never been in a real fight. "Ok. Now that I've punched you really hard, I'll stand here and let you punch me back. Why are you looking at me like that? Seriously, punch me. It's your turn, so if you don't punch me, run away, try to steal something from me or use something that's in your pockets, we'll be standing here all day."
Guys on 56k dialup connections that set up ftp sites. Just dont.
"Du-Rags." What the fuck do you think you are, a pirate? Fine. Hold still. Quit squirming. The peg-leg, hook hand and eye patch are part of the package deal, so stop moving so I can hold the hack saw straight. You'll dig the parrot. He knows how to curse.
People who say everything in the form of a whine. Welcome to Earth. Your happiest possible reality is not always ready to be served on a silver platter the instant you think of it, and YES, we ARE going to go eat at that restaurant you hate, and NO, the eight of us AREN'T going to change our minds because WE all LIKE it. If you don't like it, STAY HOME AND EAT CEREAL, crybaby. NO, it's not cold in here. NO, I'm NOT going to change the channel. NO, it's not time to go home. YOU are not the ONLY one who has to be up early for work tomorrow, and you KNEW we were going to stay out late when you decided to hang out. Get four hours of sleep like the rest of us, or get a fucking cab, and NO, you can't have any money for the fare! "But I'm SLEEPY!" TAKE A DIRT NAP, fucker! Maybe we won't be able to hear the shrill fluctuations of your griping voice through six feet of tightly packed soil. Whining is fucking annoying as shit when EIGHT YEAR OLDS do it. Why would you think people will put up with it from an adult?
People who automatically assume that I'm a follower of an opposing religion when I make fun of theirs. If I make fun of Islam, "Oh, you must be a Jew." If I make fun of Christianity, "What are you, a Satan worshipper?" Since when did pointing out bullshit require adherence to some other bullshit? It's more the case that if I followed a religion, I'd be just as stupid and would have no right to point out the flaws of other religions. I can just hear Pat Robertson now. "Hahaha! Wiccans are stupid! They believe that the Earth has magical powers! Don't they know that everything's controlled by an invisible man in the sky? HAHAHA! Stupid Wiccans!"
Guys who say they read Playboy for the articles and aren't trying to sound like they're joking. That's akin to saying you jack off for the cardiovascular benefits.
The fact that there are enough goddamned Christmas songs that every greedy department store in America can pipe in Christmas music from the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas day from opening to closing and NEVER repeat, even if they skip over the patently religious ones to ensure they don't offend any possible consumers with fat wallets, yet I can't think of single fucking Halloween song despite the fact that it's an infinitely cooler holiday than Christmas. Actually, now that I think about it, I remember "Every Day is Halloween" by Ministry, but that's just embarrassing so I'm going to pretend I can't remember it.
People who page me, then 15 seconds later when I call them back, they let it go to voice mail. Fuck you. No, seriously.
People who page me twice in rapid succession before I'm physically able to even reach in my pocket, pull out my cell phone and dial. Look. Nothing that I could help you with over the phone is that urgent. If you've got that bad of an emergency on your hands, you don't need me, you need to dial 911. Besides, if you keep hammering my pager like that, you're going to need 911 anyway.
Insane cat people. Look. I know you love your cat. I love mine too. Do I play with it and pet it and brush it? Yes. Do I make sure it's healthy and fed and has plenty of clean water and a comfortable place to sleep? Yes. Do I tell friends I can't hang out with them because I need to get home early because the cat is at home alone and lonely so I need to spend some time with it or it will get annoyed and destroy something? No. Do I give it only bottled water and certified 100% organic food? No. Does my cat take priority over my job, my friends or my personal happiness? No. Liking your cat is fine as long as you keep in focus about what a cat is. Cats are whores. Their survival instinct far outweighs any sort of bonding you may imagine they are capable of. Your cat "loves" you because you provide for its needs so it can be lazy instead of surviving on whatever meat it can catch or scavenge. Want to be a cat's best buddy? Feed it. I like my cat, but I'm well aware that it considers me its sugar daddy. I'm sure she's happier eating Iams instead of the insect / garbage / sewer rat diet she would get without me. If you died in your house with your cat, and enough time passed that your cat's food dish was empty, your cat would start eating you. In fact, you might not even have to be dead, just incapacitated as they EAT YOU ALIVE. What a strong, loving bond! The idea that cats need people is an absurd notion. Cats survived for a lot longer than humans have been around, and those old instincts kick in as soon as you stop feeding them. Then they switch back into hunting mode or find some other human to latch onto like a lamprey. One person I know said, without even thinking she sounded weird, that the best way to get kicked out of her house was to move her cat. "It's the cat's house. If the cat is on the couch and there's no other place to sit, then I guess you're sitting on the floor, because you're not going to move my cat from his place. It's his spot." What a great host you are! Be an asshole to your guests so as not to inconvenience your PET. That is the word, by the way. "PET!" Not "Friend." Not "Companion Animal." "PET." People have had PETS since the beginning of humanity. All of a sudden, after hundreds of thousands of years, some fruity animal rights hippies think they are going to change how PETS are perceived to further their goofy agenda by changing their name to "Companion Animals?" When you fill out forms at the Vet's office, it doesn't have a box that says "Buddy" or "Cohabitant" or "Companion." It does, however, have one that says "OWNER." The same girl also says she can't dump her crappy boyfriend because he's the only guy that the cat has ever liked. You're determining a guy's value by how your PET reacts to him? Why not just get a boyfriend that matches the fucking furniture? I've also heard this one. "My cat and I have a special bond. He hates everyone but me. If I don't come home and play with him, he gets lonely and pees on my bed. Also, if I get a new boyfriend, or if he smells other cats on me, he gets really jealous and shits on my clothes, and when I try to pet him, he scratches me." I know how a cat psycho wants me to react to this. "Awww! The poor kitty! He MISSES you. How adorable!" However, my actual reaction is, "Wow! What a piece of shit. You should get it put to sleep." What does it say about your social life when you're in a codependent relationship with a creature that has a brain the size of a fucking walnut? Seek professional help.
Yahoo! Chat. Nearly every time you try to join a room, it says, "This room is full. Please try another room." Then when you finally get in, you find out that the room is full because 3/4 of the users in it are SPAM BOTS and there are absolutely no moderators.
Adults that should wear bibs when they eat. Look. If a chunk of food the size of a cashew can stick to your face and you don't feel it.... you're a monkey. Sorry, but humans feel that kind of shit.
Idiots in the subway who swipe their Metrocard and it says "Insufficient Fare" so they swipe it again and again, then they move to another turnstile and swipe it over and over. Look. If it couldn't read it, it would say "Please swipe again." The fact that "Insufficient Fare" popped up isn't the result of not reading your card correctly, it's the result of reading it perfectly and you being broke. Now get out of the fucking way before I help you clog up the card reader with bits of skull. Maybe it would be less confusing if instead of "Insufficient Fare" it rang a loud bell and put a blinking neon sign over your head that said "BROKE LOSER: PLEASE LAUGH DERISIVELY AND PUMMEL ME WITH MALLETS!"
Simulation Games. I could never really grasp what people liked about games like Microsoft Flight Sim. It's been amazingly popular for years, despite being duller than Andy Rooney's observational humor. Are there any alien space ships attacking? No. Does the jet transform into a giant robot who attacks Tokyo? No. It's fucking BORING. I would almost understand if the graphics were amazingly realistic, but they AREN'T EVEN. "Look at me! I'm Flying around aimlessly over a boring landscape! Whoopieee!" I see that Microsoft is now making a train simulator. A TRAIN simulator! Tracks, tracks, and more tracks. Dinah blow your horn... or why don't you just blow ME! "Watch me go! I can go faster or slower! Steer? Steering is for people with enough motor skills to tie their shoes, and I'm all velcro, Baby!" Given the strange marketability of these boring, nerdy games, I thought I'd make some suggestions.
"Snooze Commander"
Everything is black for nine minutes, then you hear this grating alarm clock noise. You then have to look around until you're oriented to which direction you're laying and reach over and smack the alarm clock so you can get to see another nine minutes of black screen - ULTRA-REALISTIC black screen made with the latest in skeletal physics and total realtime 3D rendered black screen technology! Here's the tricky part. You can only hit it so many times or you'll be late for work and you lose. You also have to make sure to hit the snooze and not the 'alarm off' switch or you lose. (Microsoft Snoozemaster 3D controller required. System Requirements: P4 2.4ghz or greater, 1gig RAM, GeoForce4, 2gigs free hard drive space)
"Emo Moping Pro"
This is set in a realistically rendered 3D environment THAT DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YOU. Stroll aimlessly through a bullshit corporate landscape which you detest, viewed through intentionally nerdy glasses and keep your angst points up. Hang out in the coffee shop and write whiney, clichéd poetry, that will later be put on your webcam portal blogger page. For bonus angst points, stay out past curfew and tell your parents that they're ruining your life by not letting you go to the Getup Kids show. Bonus points are gained by spending unholy amounts of money on fake vintage clothing that looks ragged when it's brand new.
The "More Hardcore Than Thou" attitude that creates infighting and divisions in subcultures that would otherwise have solidarity and be fun. What happened to Punk? Rave? Industrial? Goth? Metal?
"Dead Kennedys isn't as hardcore as Screeching Weasel, therefore they suck and YOU suck for liking them."
"You like Nine Inch Nails? What a poser!"
"Remember Dave from that industrial band we saw last weekend? I hung out at his place and he had a Tori Amos CD on his cd shelf." "HAH! What's up with that?"
"The new Marilyn Manson album came out, but it sucks because it doesn't sound exactly the same as their old stuff. You liked it? Pffft. Whatever."
"Remember Jennifer from the club? Well, I bumped into her the other day when she was on her way to work. She was wearing this stupid blue button down shirt and didn't even have any makeup on. Hah! I guess she's only Goth on the weekend."
"That club sucks. Nevermind the fact that someone had the balls to put forth the money and effort to put together a place that caters to a small cross section of this town that had no other outlet for what we like. Nevermind that they're probably doing a lot less business than they potentially could by catering only to what we like, which alienates the generic college kids and adults over 25. I'm going to be a total nitpicker and gripe about everything from the decor to the crowd to the location to the bartender to the covercharge to the DJ. They play the same music every week. I mean, I know they're playing all the same music because we would all turn our noses up at anything else, and complain because they were playing stuff with which we weren't already familiar, but it's boring. So either way, I think I'll stop supporting the only club within 200 miles that plays the music I like, and snicker at anyone who thinks it's a cool place, so they'll probably start thinking it's lame and stop going too."
Great job, assholes. Your snobby, divisive attitude drives people out of your subcultures, and generally they end up turning into "normals." Then you have the audacity to complain about being bored and lament that your town "used to have a cool scene."
Few things have caused me to lose faith in humanity's ability to sort dogshit from meaningful art more than the fact that the absolutely talentless Disney Channel creature, Hillary Duff, has a CD that hit NUMBER ONE on the popular music charts. This is like one of the signs of the Apocalypse or something. Revelations 22:10 "When the most undeniably corny, idiotic, untalented tart in the land steals the coin of the masses, then shalt ye know that the end is nigh. Thou shalt know her by her plastic smile, the vacant doll-like stare and the sign of the ears of the rodent. Her movie shalt be without upward thumbs and none of the four stars are anywhere to be found." Even her name means "n. Slang The buttocks" and "v. To treat or manipulate so as to give a specious appearance to; to fake; hence, to cheat." THIS ASS IS FAKING TO CHEAT YOU OUT OF YOUR MONEY! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? She's a FAKING ASS CHEAT, BY LITERAL DEFINITION!
Cat food commercials that go on and on about the healthy grains and vegetables in their products. What? Since when are cats vegetarians. Ever run a cat out of your vegetable garden for eating all your carrots? The only times I've seen cats eating vegetable matter is when they eat grass to ease upset stomach... because it makes them PUKE. Ever see a housecat in the back yard hunting? They seem to go after birds and squirrels rather than zucchinis, don't they. Millions of years of evolution have given them sharp claws and pronounced fangs for catching and holding prey, scissor-like molars for tearing muscle tissue off bone, and a digestive tract that specializes at processing flesh. Obviously, their forward pointing eyes with motion sensitive night vision was developed for stalking CORN. Until grain farmers find themselves in need of special pesticides designed to curb cat populations in their fields, these cat food companies will be completely full of shit. Are there cats on farms? Of course. They're there in search of rodents that feed on grain. Want to know why cat food companies are propagandizing you to believe cats want vegetables? They're CHEAPER. If they spend four bucks to make a bag of cat food based on meat or fish, for which you pay eight bucks, they make less profit than if they spend a dollar fifty and still charge you eight bucks... OR MORE because they've fooled you into believing it's healthier. Of COURSE they want you to fall for it. They know you love your cat and they know that telling you that a vegetable diet is healthier will tug your heart strings. Vegetarians are particularly easy to hook with this scheme. The problem is that cats are not supposed to eat the same things humans eat. Humans are omnivores. Cats are carnivores. Nevermind that a cat in a wheat field would pay no attention to the wheat at all, but would spend all his time hunting mice, "YOUR CAT LOVES GRAINS! Healthy (inexpensive) grains!"
School Uniforms. While I can understand the desire to have a classroom free from disruptive clothes, I don't think turning kids into little Hitler Youths is the way to do it. These poor kids have their whole adulthood to fit in and conform and shop at the Gap to look exactly the same as all the robot units in all the other cubicles. Give these poor kids the one opportunity they'll get in their lives to discover their individuality while they're young enough that having funny hair doesn't keep them from paying rent or buying food.
Movie fight scenes. These usually suffer from one of the following unrealistic extremes: People can be knocked out cold with one punch. Seemingly anyone can perform one of these amazing instant knockouts and the person knocked unconscious will not wake up until the person who punched them has them tied up or has run away to safety. A 240 pound guy can be punched so hard that he comes five feet off the ground, flies twenty feet through the air, through a wooden door, lattice, wine rack, bookshelf, plate glass window, cement wall, etc. Then, instead of being DEAD since a punch that was hard enough to propel him that far would have splattered his head into applesauce, he GETS UP AND KEEPS FIGHTING. They punch or kick a guy so hard that he flips or spins through the air in slow motion, completely ignoring physics. Once again, he gets up and keeps fighting instead of having a broken neck.
Another thing that's stupid in movie fight scenes is the sound. I know the current trend in movies is to drive the bass through the roof so the sound of someone dropping a pencil is enough to rattle people's fillings loose, but give us a break. When you punch someone squarely in the face it goes Smack, not BOOM! People standing across the room while someone gets punched don't feel a deep thump in their chests from the sound. A baseball bat hitting a head of cabbage is about the most sound you're going to get from a punch. If the puncher had a garbage truck for a fist and the punchee had a six foot Kodo Taiko drum full of anti-tank mortars for a head, it would not produce as much booming bass as a Hollywood punch. Idiots.
Any deluded, self-righteous wanna-be do-gooder who has ever boycotted ANYTHING. Look. You're pretentious and irritating and you accomplish NOTHING other than looking naïve and annoying people around you, including your friends. "I'm making a DIFFERENCE!" No. You're making yourself into a JOKE. You're transforming yourself into an idealistic cartoon. If I want to run into the store to buy a bottle of Advil, a box of cereal, a bottle of glass cleaner or a pair of fucking shoe laces, I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR A PREACHY PSUEDOPOLITICAL LECTURE ABOUT HOW I'M RUINING THE WORLD BY GIVING MONEY TO SOME EVIL CORPORATION. Guess what! Nike, McDonalds, Exxon Mobil, DuPont, Disney, GM, Dow Chemicals, Pfizer, R.J. Reynolds, etc aren't going ANYWHERE. It might suck, but they're all here to stay, whether you personally decide to buy their products or not. Am I saying that it's great that big, evil corporations control everything? No. I'm saying I don't feel like paying seven bucks for some oddball non-corporate toothpaste just because it's non-corporate when I've used three dollar Crest since I was a kid... AND IT TASTES MUCH BETTER. I don't feel like researching where and how every article of clothing I'm considering buying was manufactured. I don't feel like buying Brand X just because it's not tested on poor widdle kittens. If I buy something that's high quality and cost effective and coincidentally is inoffensive to environmental, animals rights, sweatshop labor, or other consumer-politics activists, that's fine, but I'm not going to make it a priority to go out of my way to buy things based primarily on their political-correctness. If YOU spend the time and energy to research and YOU know the evil committed by each and every product on every shelf of every store, that's YOUR obsessive compulsive fixation. That's the result of YOU having way too much free time. That's the result of YOUR self-righteous crusade. I work long hours. Don't give me shit if I don't know or care who was harmed by the making of my delicious candy bar that is the only treat of my day. If YOU want to pay extra and go out of your way to special stores to buy all your food, clothing, housewares, furniture, etc. from a non-corporate source, knock yourself out. Be a purist. Enjoy your consumer-religion. If you expect me to follow suit, or even to take you seriously, you can go fuck yourselves.
Here's a thought to point out another angle of how meaningless animal testing boycotts are. If you buy Brand X toothpaste and it contains chemicals like sodium lauryl sulfate or sorbitol, you're simply animal testing by proxy. Brand X uses it because they know it's safe to use. How do they know? Because it was tested on animals, period. Maybe Brand X didn't test it themselves, but the chemicals used in their products didn't fall out of the sky. Whether they've been in use in consumer products for months or decades, before they considered selling them for human consumption, someone dumped loads of the stuff in many cute little puppies' eyeballs to see what it would do. Some company like Procter and Gamble tested on animals, spent the money on research and development, got their hands dirty and took the heat from animal rights groups. Meanwhile, Brand X benefits by using P&G's test results without doing any testing themselves. So they win from every angle. They get to sell the same product, which they know is safe because some rabbit in a lab across the street turned out ok, but they don't have to pay for research and they don't have hippies chaining themselves to their front doors. They can also slap a "no animal testing" label on it and charge much more and sentimental saps will buy it and feel all superior and moralistic. If you look over the shoulder of the kid next to you and copy the answers on his science test, your answers will be the result of whatever he had to do to get them. Was my deodorant tested on animals? Yes? GOOD! I'm happy to know that it won't give me big sagging pus bags under my arms, because some cute little guinea pig took a big wad of it on its cornea and lived to tell the tale... for at least a few minutes until it was probably euthanized. My deodorant is safe! Thank you, Fluffy, wherever you are! Human > Guinea Pig. Know why they call a test subject a "Guinea Pig" even when it's a person or a different animal? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT GUINEA PIGS ARE FOR! THAT IS THEIR SOLE PURPOSE IN THE UNIVERSE: TO TEST HORRIBLE SHIT ON. Anyone who has ever had one as a pet knows that they could serve no other purpose, other than as an easy to catch food source for predators. Surely the ecosystem doesn't have a great need for a toupee that sits there looking bored, eating pellets and occasionally squeaking. This morning I was about to brush my teeth, and as I applied the toothpaste to the brush, a few of the bristles dragged against the nozzle of the tube and flicked a small amount of toothpaste in my left eye. Now, while it doesn't feel particularly good to have a minty fresh cornea, I DIDN'T GO BLIND! Why? Because some little kitten was there before me with huge, Hershey's Kiss sized globs of toothpaste sitting directly on its speculum-pried eyes. I'd love to cuddle that little kitten to thank it for saving my eyes, but I'm wearing navy blue and the toothpaste would no doubt get smeared on it, plus I'd need a lint roller for all those little hairs. Navy shows everything.
Do you think the CEO of R.J. Reynolds is losing sleep when you decide to eat some no-name macaroni and cheese instead of Kraft? "Oh God, NO! They deprived me of 8 cents of profit out of my daily hundreds of millions of dollars! I'm MELTING.... MELLLLLTING! AAAAAaaaaaa!!!" YUM! TASTES LIKE SHIT, BUT I'M SAVING THE PLANET AND PUTTING CORPORATE FATCATS OUT IN THE STREETS! Bullshit! You think you're going to change the world by hitting Corporate villains in the pocketbooks? You and what army? Nobody has ever rounded up enough people to boycott a product and have companies actually lose enough money to give in and "be good." Do you seriously think you will ever hear this? "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Procter and Gamble's quarterly report. It is with a heavy heart that I must announce the dismantling of Procter and Gamble Incorporated. After 165 years, we have fallen from our once nearly monopolistic control of cleaning, hygiene, paper and plastic products that sold over 200 brands to billions of people worldwide, and we must close our doors forever. Boycotts by animal rights wingnuts who object to us using animal testing have cut so deeply into our profits that we must say farewell. We did not realize how powerful a few dozen bored, jobless hipsters could be."
Is your life so devoid of meaning that you believe the things you buy or don't buy define you as a human being? Are you so shallow that you feel like you're a wonderful person with a clear conscience because you bought a stick of lipstick that is Rainforest friendly and not tested on animals? Some fools have Jesus. Some have Allah. Some have Shiva or Bhudda or Ram or L. Ron Hubbard. You have the grocery store and the mall to give your meaningless life direction. For your life to have meaning, it has to have PURPOSE. Deciding what you buy or don't buy in the store isn't purpose, it's trivia. Does engaging in POINTLESS battles make you feel like your life has purpose? If you're going to be a purist about socially conscious buying, how far are you willing to take it? Does the fact that you buy only non-corporate all-natural floor cleaner make up for the environmental damage and Middle East heartbreak you're causing by owning a CAR? You do realize that every time you take a shit and flush it, you're pouring biohazardous waste in chlorinated water straight into the environment, right? What are you going to do about it? It's all a matter of threshold. You'd say, "But I NEED a car." No you don't. You NEED food, water, shelter and medicine. You WANT the CONVENIENCE of having a car. You're burning fossil fuels and dumping horrible toxins into the air on your entire drive across town to the Special Hippy Ultra-P.C. Organic Non-Corporate 100% Recycled Grocery Store, while I can WALK a half a block and buy my groceries. I want the convenience of walking into a regular grocery store and buying regular groceries without you getting on a fucking soapbox. You might not buy anything made by S.C. Johnson Wax, but you've bought into something laughable.
People who read my Movie Ruiner page and email me to "explain" why I'm wrong. If you don't like what I have to say about the dogshit movies you like, make your own fucking page. Don't email me with, "Dude. You must be some fag what's retarded or something. Face Off is the best movie what's been released in the last 20 years! Fuckin' fag! You're like some fag what's stupid and gay and... uhh.. a fag! I mean, what kinda fag asshole gay faggot dumb faggy gay likes Talk To Her? It was just some gay faggy thing with those word things where people say these words and talk like they're speaking in some kind of conversational talky thing, and it's in some kinda gobbledygook words what's not even in USA-ese! And it's got those dumb wordlike things at the bottom of the TEE-VEE like I have the time to read or something. If I wanted to read, I'd finish middle school. That crappy movie didn't even have one gigantic computer am-i-nated explodey boom thingy what explodes like some kind of bomblike 'splosion, you fag what's gay!" I'm always right and you're an idiot, and you KNOW this, which is why you read my whole page.
American Assholes who think that it's perfectly fine to disregard or weaken the Constitutional Amendments about Freedom of Speech, Freedoms of Petition and Assembly, Seperation of Church and State, Unfair Search and Seizure, Due Process, Cruel and Unusual Punishment, and the amendments regarding elections, states' rights, minorities' rights, women's rights, etc. but if anyone DARES to suggest that maybe not everyone should be allowed to own a fully automatic assault rifle, or that maybe, just maybe, it would be a good idea to check their criminal backgrounds first, then they're "GODDAMN COMMIE UNAMERICAN PINKO SCUM! HANG 'EM! YOU MEAN I GOTTA WAIT SEVEN WHOLE DAYS BEFORE I CAN UNLOAD A 32 ROUND CLIP OF HOT DEATH INTO MY BOSS IN A LITTLE OVER A SECOND AND A HALF? WHAT IS THIS? COMMUNIST CHINA?"
People with teeth so bad that you can tell they have bad teeth from across the street... at night. If the imprint of your teeth on an apple is shaped like a constellation, you need to do something about it. If you look like you have a mouth full of Candy Corn (on one of the rare occasions that you actually don't), then maybe it's time to see dentist.
Retards like Britney Spears or Madonna who get on MTV News or give magazine interviews and talk about the MESSAGE they were trying to convey in songs they DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING WRITE! "What did you mean when you said, 'Hit me baby, one more time?'" Why in the FUCK are you asking HER? She doesn't know shit! That song was written (and probably RECORDED) before they ever decided to pick Britney Spears from the giant bin of homogenous blonde porn queens that they choose teen idols from. Who gives a shit what she has to say about it? SHE DIDN'T EVEN WRITE IT.
Ghetto guys who STILL think that owning a cell phone is impressive, who wear a big, baggy shirt that hangs down past their ass, put the phone on a belt clip, and then tuck their shirt OVER it to make sure it shows. This is an elite status symbol that means "I make at least THIRTY DOLLARS A MONTH."
The Harry Potter "Thing"
Fill in the blank. The popularity of Harry Potter books can be mainly attributed to the fact that...
A.) the stories are not only complex, well written and deeply engaging, but original and universal.
B.) a growing number of American adults read and write on an elementary school level, and since they have difficulty comprehending books aimed at adults, and find them boring, they read CHILDREN'S BOOKS.
Anyone whose life is so meaningless that their opinions and life philosophies can be significantly swayed by reading a pamphlet.
People who pass out pamphlets with the belief that the number of people described above is great enough that passing out pamphlets is not a completely pointless pursuit.
Those stupid shows on The Discovery Channel and The Learning Channel where they speculate on how dinosaurs lived and GUESS what animals will be like IN THE FUTURE based on NO EVIDENCE. I thought these channels were supposed to be educational. These shows use loads of shitty computer animation to create imaginary animals based on the completely scientific method of huffing spray paint fumes and thinking, "Hey, man! Know what would be cool? What if there was this tiger... but like, it has a sucker mouth like a lamprey, and it catches prey by sneaking up close and emitting, like, some kind of tranquilizer gas!"
"Whoa, dude! That would be awesome... But, dude.. What if instead of knockout gas, it gives off this gas that forms a barrier for light.. so like... IT TURNS INVISIBLE!"
"OH FUCK, DUDE! THAT'S AWESOME! It'll be called the Phantom Panther!"
"Hell yeah! Let's go report our findings!"
"No wait! I almost forgot! It has magnetic disks in its feet that it can electromagnetically polarize against the earth's magnetism... so it can LEVITATE!"
"WHOAH! No fuckin' way! AWESOME! Dude, we should do some more research!" *HUFF*
"Yeah, man! I've got some more of that varnish we huffed that time we were doing our research for the "Megamedusa," the jellyfish the size of the state of Ohio that kills its prey by emitting plasma energy hotter than the sun."
People who will let a mole on their face grow to the size of a three toed tree sloth and never even consider getting it lobbed off..
The new Ren and Stimpy. The original Ren and Stimpy was hilarious. The gags were quirky and off the cuff. The animation was simple, but there was something about it that made it very genuine. The new Ren and Stimpy is just a lame attempt at mimicry. The animation and gags are HORRRRRIBLE. The dialogue never matches up to the characters' mouths, and the animation doesn't come across as simple and genuine, it comes across as CHEAP. The episode I saw featured a big fat guy who I guess was supposed to be celebrity talent, although I had no clue who the hell he was. That's sorta like that show, "The Dead Zone." If you need to cast Anthony Michael Hall to give your show "star power," your show sucks. The Ren and Stimpy characters hardly ever speak because they sound like some lame impersonation. Instead, they just nod their heads and do a lot of staring while the big fat guy delivers brilliantly conceived jokes like, "Hey, guys! I'm gonna take a dump." What? No, seriously. That's the joke. There's no irony or anything. He says he's going to take a dump, and Ren and Stimpy stand there staring while he takes one. Wow! What narrative genius. The new Ren and Stimpy is part of a new lineup to promote TNN's supposed image change. This whole TNN makeover is one of the dumbest loads of bullshit I've ever seen. "We're the first network for MEN." Thank God! It's about time some channel was brave enough to cater to men... no, wait. Almost ALL tv caters to men. This is just more of this stupid shit started by "The Man Show," where the whole theme is, "Men like stupid bullshit. No need for real humor. A fart is its own punchline. As men, we like the very dumbest shit in the world. Retardation über alles!" Now that I think about it, it seems like only yesterday that the "First Network for Men" was the first network for REDNECK HICKS.
People who claim that they were into a band that sucks before they sucked... especially when they ALWAYS sucked.
People who claim that they were into a band that's good back when they sucked, and don't like what they're playing now.
People who live under the laughable delusion that Rolling Stone and Spin "have their finger on the pulse." If they do, they'll notice that it's not beating. The crap that they celebrate is either the corpse of what rock culture used to be or part of the disease that killed it. "The war on drugs isn't working." GEE, REALLY? That's NEWS. "Sheryl Crow: Redefining Rock." In a way they're right. That's what's SAD. Also, if you took out all the ads, it would be a little shorter than one of those free travel brochures you find at rest stops.
Phone queues that have the message, "Your call is very important to us. Someone will be with you in just a moment. Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received." The meanest joke about this is that they show you exactly how unimportant your call really is to them. You wait exactly as long as they feel like making you wait. If they wanted your call to be answered faster, they'd simply have more people answering phones. So when you're waiting twenty minutes for your call to be answered (right along with everyone else who's trying to get through), it's because some manager decided that twenty minutes was a appropriate amount of time to make you wait. If they wanted to, they could reroute calls to another service center with the wave of a finger to add a bunch more operators, but they figure you're stuck waiting, so why bother? Try calling a sales line instead of a customer service line sometime, and you'll see this concept hard at work. When your call is answered in a fraction of the time, you'll see that your call is only important to them if you're calling to give them money. Once they have your money, they don't want to even know you're alive. "Keep the customer service line slow. It will discourage them from calling at all."
Gamer nerds who think that the girls at videogame expos who are paid to dress up as video game characters like Lara Croft are the pinnacle of raw female sexuality and the most beautiful women on earth. Hint: that girl probably hates you and thinks you're a dweeb. You think that beating every Tomb Raider game released thus far would impress her. She'd probably think you're even dweebier if you're really good at video games. Face it. She's hired meat and after her gig, she's going to go back to her apartment a few hundred dollars richer and fuck her boyfriend, who's in a band and has a cock the size of a full-grown salmon, wheras you're going to go home and yank your crank as you scour Gamespy, Gamespot and dozens of other gamer sites, in hopes that they posted pictures of her... which, of course, they always do. Face it. If you ever downloaded a "nude patch" for a videogame, you're not in the winners' circle of life.
Adults who think that they're "above" cartoons and comics. You're not mature. You're just a fucking humorless stick in the shit.
Guys (and I say guys because 98% of the time it's a 50+ year old male) who whistle all the time and use "advanced" whistling techniques like tremolo and staccato, as though they feel like they're seriously playing a musical instrument. Whistling is the shrill, annoying sound of air blowing through a hollow human head.
The Vintage T-shirt Thing. Ok, if you still have a real, original issue E.T. t-shirt from the '80's, that's somewhat amusing, if little more. If some modern corporation takes a brand new t-shirt and washes it 100 times until it's shrunken and faded, and then stamps a retarded Old Navy logo on it, that is NOT vintage. That's just dumb. How are you going to even pretend that a lame Old Navy T-shirt is from the '70's when the company itself wasn't even around until the mid 90's? Here's your one way ticket to pretentious-ville. That'll be twenty bucks please.
The next person that I hear that has their cell phone ringer set to "Fur Elise," "The Entertainer," "Ode to Joy," etc. is going to get his phone jammed all the way into his ear canal.
Bald guys who grow pony tails. It's OVER. You missed your chance. You don't look hip. You look like you're having a mid-life crisis and it's really, really sad.
New-Agers who always say that they're "picking up energy" or "seeing auras" from people and animals, pretentiously asserting that being able to read body language is of some fruity elevated spiritual significance, as though it's something cooler and far more profound than the very basic primordial animal instinct that it is.
"I'm picking up some very negative energy from you."
"Wow. That's so amazing that you're sensing my life force. Your analysis of my energy couldn't be colored at all by the fact that I'm sneering at you, making direct dominating eye contact with my middle finger extended two inches in front of your nose could it?"
Want to sense some energy? An electric chair has loads.
Ads for bottled water that depict people dumping it over their faces, pouring it into bathtubs, using it to fill fishbowls, throwing it around, etc. If you have enough money to spend a fourteen year old Indonesian sweatshop worker's weekly wages on 20 ounces of the world's most plentiful resource, and then waste it just to giggle and be cute, you seriously deserve to be shot in the face.
First they had the shriveled old bag, Dr. Ruth. Now they have the shriveled old bag, Sue Jo. Would it be too much to ask to find a sex "expert" who doesn't make you feel physically ill to visualize having sex?
People who think that anytime anywhere it's perfectly ok to slip their shoes off. Welcome to The New York City Transit System. We've all had a tiring day at work. Keep your fucking shoes on.
People who over-enunciate and hiss the letter S by forming the sound by putting their upper and lower incisors together and blowing air through, so from a distance they sound like a leaking CO2 tank.
People who push a skateboard with the front foot. Fall. I could use a good laugh.... Please?
The way that nearly every startup garage band claims to be pioneers of a new genre of music, regardless of how derivative their music is.
"I wouldn't say we're rock, per se. We're shooting for more of an ambient darkwave industrial trip hop sound. It's really ethereal and deep. I like to call it Spectral Dark-Hop."
"But you're just a Led Zeppelin cover band."
".......But we bring our own unique interpretation, and I don't think it's anything that you could really classify into any preset niche. I think our sound is something really new."
"So that's why you're playing on a Monday night to an empty bar with no cover charge."
"Shut up, dude."
Beggars who act like you need to justify why you aren't giving them money. "Excuse me. Could you help me out with a little spare change? (Bourbon breath) Come on. You don't have any change? Yeah, so what's that I hear jingling in your pockets? Pfffft! Keys. Rrrright." So what if I DO have change in my pockets? You hear that? Here, let me attach a megaphone to each hip so you can hear it jingling for three blocks. The fact that it's there doesn't mean you have a claim on it. I'm not THAT impressed with your change-cup jingling technique that I feel that you deserve a tip. I don't care if I'm walking down the street with a wheelbarrow with 6000 dollars in unrolled pennies. It's fucking MINE, and I EARNED it by responsibly getting up at the crack of dawn and going to work every fucking day, and what I do with it is MY CHOICE, not yours. I don't have any "spare" change for anyone who thinks they deserve MY money just because they have the utter lack of dignity to ask me for it, and then INSIST that since I have the ability to provide them with funding for their malt liquor, that I OWE it to them. Need food? Go to a shelter. Need medicine? Go to a shelter. Need a warm, dry place to sleep or a shower? Go to a shelter. Need clothing? Go to a shelter. Need some money? GET A FUCKING JOB.
(Update July 28, 2003) I was walking near Times Square today and a guy was standing on the sidewalk with his begging cup. A tourist dropped some coins in it as he walked by, and the guy looked in the cup to see how much the tourist gave him. He then got all indignant. "What's THIS!? I don't want THIS! Take it back!" The tourist looked confused and kept walking. "Here! Take it back! I don't want it!" The bum then forcibly flung the change and pelted the tourist. This guy DESERVES to be poor. First, he had little enough pride that he would stand on the corner and beg, then a moment later, he's insulted because he was not given enough FREE MONEY for doing NOTHING, by someone who was good enough to care if he was hungry. Gee sorry that this guy's pure generosity wasn't up to your rigid standards. If this guy has enough money that he can throw away money when it's given to him, he has no right to pretend he's poor. It's not like he waited on the guy's table in a restaurant and got stiffed on the tip. This putz was given money out of pure kindness and compassion, and he thanked the guy with a big, fat "fuck you." That guy might not ever give money to beggars again. "Oh, please, please let me give you twenty dollars. I hope it is a worthy amount, so I don't insult you. I wouldn't want to underestimate the value of your 'standing there like a filthy eyesore doing nothing' skills."
People who own T-shirts, posters, flags, stickers, etc. with the face of Che Guevara on them who have absolutely no clue who he was, what he did, or why he was historically significant, but are pretty sure he had something to do with Rage Against the Machine.... or maybe Pot.
Macho homophobic jock boys who's first choice of insult is "Suck my dick." Why would you want that? Are you harboring some sort of repressed homosexual urges? What's even funnier is that you're basically asking for gay oral while trying to project the tone that it's not you who's gay. Most straight guys don't consider the idea of another guy giving them a blowjob as even a remote possibility, even as an insult. Maybe it's just me, but I have no urge to have another male suck my dick. If I go my whole life without another male, even a doctor, touching my dick at all, I'll be a happy guy. Why don't you guys go back to the locker room and suck each others' dicks. Get it out of your system and stop asking around. Some time in prison would do you good.
The fact that grocery stores have 45 different types of ass wiping paper and under 10 juice drinks that contain more than 10% juice or under 40% high fructose corn syrup.
Magazines like Seventeen and YM. The only purpose that these magazines could possibly serve is to ensure that the next generation of young women becomes a bunch of insecure, shallow consumers who think that 200 dollars is a totally reasonable price to pay for a pair of jeans, and of course you'll NEED them unless you want to be completely unpopular and ignored by boys. Got zits? OH GOD! You can't have zits or else you'll have no social life and boys won't want you. If you want to have any friends at all then you'll need to BUY this cream! BUY this face wash. BUY these blackhead removing strips! Have you tried the latest tooth whitening strips? You haven't? Why would you think any boy would want to kiss you when your teeth are a natural shade of white? They're far from this unearthly tone of neon glowing white that you could BUY for only $30 for a month's supply of strips... or better yet, $400 at your dentist, once every six months. Oh, and breath is important, so BUY the cool new Listerine Spearmint strips! Go BUY the latest CDs from Michelle Branch and Avril Lavigne! They're strong female voices for today's scene, so you'll just HAVE to BUY their CD's. They're both absolutely great. Also, go see Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (BUY the soundtrack)! It's got GRRRL Power! Notice that we never give anything a marginal review, because we want you to BUY, BUY, BUY, and we, of course, are owned by the same media conglomerates that make those CD's and movies! Here, have a token article to please our critics about how eating disorders are bad. This article is then totally negated by the fact that 98% of the magazine, including the articles and features, is nothing but ADS filled with ONLY girls who have 2% body fat! Check out the latest clothes on these models that are as skinny as coat hangers! Note how EVERY item they are wearing, right down to their lip gloss has a PRICE and a STORE where you can BUY it in the caption! You want to look COOL and attract BOYS, right? Then you'll need to go to Delias.com and BUY these cool clothes, sunglasses, purses, shoes, rings, hats, body glitter, nail polish, etc. etc. etc. because a girl can never be truly happy unless some jerk guy who looks like Justin Timberlake and is more in love with himself than he could ever be with anyone else wants to fuck her. By the way, WHAT KIND OF GIRL WOULD JOHNNY DEPP DATE? You know you want to know, even though you could never touch him, ever. (By the way.. Go see Pirates of the Caribbean - in theatres now!) Surely he wants a girl who's sensitive, genuine and artistic, because we would never print an article saying that he's really into tits or girls who swallow. Take a quiz! "Are you a bitch?" The fact that you think a multiple choice test with 8 questions and 3 choices each accurately labels your personality, means that not only are you a complete bitch for even having a doubt whether you were one or not, but it also makes you completely shallow and vapid for letting a prepackaged test determine your self opinion. Check out the latest hairstyles (Available for only $125 at any salon capable of accurately recreating this picture on your head)! Check out the latest fashions in cosmetics (Available at the mall department store for $80 for enough makeup to recreate this look until next month when we assign you your new way of looking)! Check your horoscope! Let's see... YES! It's all about BOYS and hints as to which of your friends might STAB YOU IN THE BACK! Nothing like a little insecurity to pile on top of that superstition. See, BUYING PLUS WORSHIPPING MALES EQUALS HAPPY. NOT BEING INSECURE PLUS NOT CONSUMING ADDICTIVELY EQUALS SOCIAL REJECTION. ABSORB! LEARN! Too young to have a job? No problem! Drive your parents up the fucking wall and be a total brat! NEED FOR FAMILY HARMONY IS OF SECONDARY IMPORTANCE COMPARED TO BUYING EVERYTHING ADVERTISED IN THIS MAGAZINE. Eventually, girls mature past these magazines. The bubblegum becomes passé. Values change.... THAT'S WHY THEY MAKE COSMO AND MADEMOISELLE. REMEMBER, LADIES.... IF HE DOESN'T SPEND THREE MONTHS' SALARY ON THAT DIAMOND RING FROM DeBEERS, HE DOESN'T REALLY LOVE YOU!
More on this DeBeers "Three Month Salary" scam... DeBeers is the world's largest seller of diamonds. They tell you very casually on their ads that the customary amount to spend on a diamond engagement ring is three months' salary. Huh? What kind of bullshit it this? Can you live without any income for three months? I sure as fuck can't. Anyone I know who could survive a quarter of a year with absolutely no paycheck coming in is fucking loaded and that would mean that three months of their salary would buy a diamond so big that the materialistic, gold-digging bitch wouldn't be able to lift her hand. Let's look at the numbers for just a second. A fair example of a single middle class american income is around $40,000 a year. So three months's salary is TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS. That's a brand new economy car, people. So much for the honeymoon. Who the fuck is DeBeers to tell me what to spend? Want to know who invented this "Customary Three Month Salary" bullshit? DeBEERS. They needed a way to make excessive amounts of money from the pockets of ordinary people trying to scrape by in life, and they achieved it by contriving this fake "customary" amount. Diamond engagement rings aren't even "customary" in the literal sense anyway. Diamond rings were a luxury item for the rich until the early 20th century when African diamond mines were found and the price declined. How "customary" can pricing of something be when it's only been somewhat recently sold to the working class? Their slick advertising is propagandizing women to believe that anything less than this obscene amount to spend on a diamond is indication that the guy doesn't really love them enough or is poor, because what kind of cheap asshole wouldn't even spend the "customary" amount? That's like going to a car dealership and the salesman saying, "How much do you make a year? Hmmm... Well the car you need is the Hummer H2. That would be the correct car to buy based on your yearly income."
Baby Boomers who like to preach and get indignant about how young people are ungrateful. I know you guys feel like you worked really hard and feel that Gen-X and Gen-Y don't care about anything you accomplished. Let me be the first to thank you. Thank you for creating a future with an expiration date. Thank you for creating a world so full of fear and hatred that we have enough nuclear weapons to turn the entire surface of the earth into a continuous sheet of glass multiple times. Thank you for buying a quarter of a billion guns in America. Thank you for creating an economy based on resources that will eventually run out on the backs of people from countries where over 90% of the population lives below the poverty line while you downsize Americans because they want more money than the 65 cents an hour that you pay foreign sweatshop laborers. Thank you for breeding like flies and overcrowding the earth. Thanks for ensuring that you will be the last generation that will be able to receive Social Security and Medicare. We're so thankful that we'll end up paying for it, while we may never be able to retire at all. Thanks for electing the worst president this country has ever had. We're so happy that you're getting a fat tax break, while we get a few McDonald's Gift Certificates and Bush ignores economists' forecasts that his budget is going to cause a 44TRILLION dollar deficit which WE will have to pay after you're all sitting back collecting the Social Security that we paid for and will never get to enjoy. Thank you for making a world with no heroes. Thank you for doing all the drugs you wanted and then telling us that they're bad and waging a Holy War on Drugs that fills our prisons until we have more people incarcerated than any other country in the world.. for what? POT? Ffffff! Thank you for letting media companies merge and merge and merge until there are under a half dozen companies that control (and manipulate) over 99% of ALL media worldwide. Thank you for taking your imperialistic aggression abroad so the whole world hates our guts enough to mount terrorist attacks against us here at home. Thanks for being so blind to the cause-effect relationship of these attacks that instead of doing what you can to ease tension, you create a police state, kill the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution and bomb foreign countries, which serves only to multiply the number of people who hate us. Thank you for nurturing a political system where the grease rises to the top and only the richest and most conniving criminals come to power. Thank you for creating a future that was designed to make you as rich and comfortable as possible at the expense of ensuring that the human race will not be sustainable by the end of our lifetimes. Thank you. From the bottoms of my outstretched middle fingers, thank you.
Guys who wear T-shirts from Armani Exchange or Kenneth Cole or some other high-end fashion brand. This is truly stupid. First, it's dumb because you spent 35 bucks on a goddamn cotton T-shirt, which is just obscene. There is nothing that makes it a better quality T-shirt than one you could buy at Walmart. Secondly, buying a T-shirt from a place like Armani Exchange defeats its own purpose. The main reason you would wear their clothes is to project the image that you have loads of money to throw around. Did you buy a jacket? Did you buy a pair of shoes or a watch? No. You bought the CHEAPEST thing in the whole store, thus proving that you don't actually have any money. You just wanted to get something, ANYTHING, with the logo on it.
People who wear t-shirts, jewelry, or even TATTOOS of Yin Yang symbols who have NO CLUE what Taoism even is.
People who buy a professional grade camera for over $2000 and use it like a $25 point-and-shoot camera. They make no effort to learn about composition or exposure, but instead use it to take amateurish vacation snapshots. Wow! Great picture of your kids from 150 feet away so they're a little tiny shape in the center near the bottom of the frame in front of some generic tourist attraction with the top two thirds of the frame occupied by flat light grey sky. It looks really great the way you have no clue how to expose it so your children have featureless, porcelain-white alien skin in all your pictures. It's a good thing you bought the very best camera on the market, though you have no comprehension of 95% of its features, with a bunch of lenses that would make most professional photographers spooge. It really captures your utter lack of talent, technique, creativity and originality. You must be really proud to own such a fine photographic tool. I bet you feel really cool with it hanging heavily on a strap around your neck, like a 35 pound mugger magnet. Too bad your pictures look like they were taken by a disposable camera. Nice shots where the camera jiggled, the picture was totally out of focus, overexposed and had no composition at all. Ohhh... you were EXPERIMENTING... I see. Thanks for explaining it, because that doesn't sound like a lame excuse at all. So basically, shit equals experimentation.
Idiots who use one of those hands-free cell phone earpieces with the mouthpiece that dangles on the wire, then they hold it up to their mouth and hold the cell phone in the other hand, effectively transforming their cell phone, not from a one-handed phone into a hands-free phone, but into a TWO HANDED phone. What a great way to spend thirty bucks!
People who get to my page by searching Google for "www.negativepositive.org." Wow. The internet is amazing, huh?
People who try to play their adherence to religion off as what defines them as nonconformists and free thinkers, rather than puppets. Nice way to twist things around with your monolithic denial so stuff looks cooler in your own eyes, Pinocchio. These are always the ones who try to assert that atheism is a religion and that atheists are actually followers of a false faith called Secular Humanism. (Oh, and uhh, if you are at your core an atheist, but refer to yourself as a Secular Humanist, please stop embarassing the rest of us atheist by referring to yourself with a term popularized by evangelical Christians.) "Yeah, well, I'm a nonconformist because I choose to deny all my normal sexual impulses until I'm married to the one girl who I'll spend the rest of my life trying to hold onto regardless of how bad the marriage gets. You don't have sex because it feels good or because primate social structure is glued together with sex, or because your brain and chemistry are totally wired for fucking, you're just trying to be COOL. You're a fool for having fun and enjoying yourself unhindered by a mountain of guilt like the one that smashes my mind into malleable Pla-Doh. When you tell me that you're sexually fulfilled although you're not married, I know it's just a cry for help. And who told you that everything has to be rationalized and examined? If you were free like me, you'd realize that true wisdom comes from getting ALL of the answers about life from one single book. You think you're free just because your thoughts aren't filtered through one narrow opinion-set based on a source of dubious origin and reliability, but you're actually enslaved to the whole rest of the world of knowledge and experience. Your unwillingness to kiss my imaginary master's feet is the shackle around your ankle."
Guys who try to grow beards who can't. Wow. Nice two inch long transparent fiber optic filaments. Looks like there are about... ohhh..... fourteen or fifteen of them. Oh. That's a goatee? Uhh...Ok. Whatever you say
People who say, "Well, in my own personal opinion..." There's another type of opinion? All opinions are personal, shit for brains. What you're saying is completely redundant. Say, "in my opinion..." There's no such thing as a collective opinion. If you're affiliated with Democrats or Republicans or Hamtaro Worshippers or the Seal Clubbing Association of America, it's not because you're part of a collective. It's because their members, on an individual level, agree with your opinions, and you with theirs. Saying, "in my own personal opinion" is redundant extraneous verbiage and you look like a pretentious dick saying it. Be sure to swirl your glass of merlot under your nose as you say it, as though you have any clue as to what qualities you're smelling for.
People who write or say anything preceded by, "I don't mean to sound rude, but..." or ,"Don't take this too seriously, but..." This shows that you're either totally spineless, or totally tactless. This phrase is ALWAYS followed by something that the intended audience will find offensive or rude. The fact that you put that lame little disclaimer at the beginning means you KNOW that what you're about to say is going to piss them off. If you seriously don't intend to offend people, don't fucking say it. On the other hand, if you're going to say something that you know people are going to find offensive, and that's the intent, then have some fucking balls and stand behind it. Don't be a slimy little puss bag and say, "I don't really mean what I'm about to say, but blah blah blah blah blah." If you can't stand for what you say, then keep quiet, hypocrite.
People who can't go through a whole sentence without saying "Fuck." "Fuck, man. I went to the fuckin' store and I was fuckin' thirsty as a motherfucker. I fuckin' looked in the fuckin' cooler and I was like, 'fuck!' Those fuckers didn't even have one fuckin' coke. How the fuck can you run a fuckin' convenient store and not even fuckin' have any fuckin' coke?! Fuck! I was fuckin' pissed! I fuckin' told the cashier, 'Fuck you!' but he fuckin' looked at me like he didn't even fuckin' care." Look. Don't get me wrong. I adore the word "fuck." That word and I have shared many good times. The problem that I have with using "fuck" all the time, is that you are gradually sapping away its bite. I don't want "fuck" to turn into the next "drat" or "golly." I want "fuck" to be able to piss off the squares. I want "fuck" to keep its edge. Sure. Use it when you need it, but the way you're using it, it's not going to carry any more emphatic value than "lamp" or "car." People that say "fuck" all day long should have to pay reparation to writers for contributing to the weakening of a great word. Oh well... At least we still have "cunt."
People who have an eighth grade education, who suddenly consider themselves experts on foreign policy and political science because they watch the war on Fox News, and feel a rush of unfounded confidence in openly debating with anyone. Just what I need: the loud, ill-informed opinions of every jack-off in America who owns a TV.
People who use "My Mom / Dad is a Doctor / Nurse / Teacher" as a supposedly reinforcing backup after rattling off some pseudoscience or statistic of dubious credibility.
"HIV can be spread through dead skin cells on surfaces, so you could catch it by absorbing it through your skin if you touch a subway seat."
"Dude, shut up. You can't catch HIV like that."
"Yeah, well... My mom is a teacher so I think she would know more about it than you."
The fact that MiniBush, the most powerful man in the world, can't pronounce"Terrorists" or "Nuclear" properly. The other day I heard him refer to "Weapon of Mass Destructions," pluralizing the whole phrase rather than "weapons" as though it was one big, long, seven syllable word. "We gotta keep those TERRISTS from getting a hold of NUKE-YUH-LUR weapons and other WEAPONOFMASSDESTRUCTIONS." Just fucking kill us, jackass. We know it's coming. Go for it. I'd feel better knowing that the guy who has access to the country's nuclear arsenal has a greater grasp on the English language than an average fourth grader, but we probably deserve what we get for allowing him out of his cage without a diaper or shock collar.
Norah Jones and Alicia Keys. You little MTV-ites have been sold on the idea that an "artist" who doesn't write, doesn't play any instruments and sings through a massive pulsating computer brain that makes them sound decent even when they sound like shit when they sing live is NORMAL and that a singer who (gasp) also plays an instrument is SOMETHING SPECIAL. They're nothing special. The song that Norah Jones won awards for in 2003 was written by someone else. The singer/songwriter/instrumentalist SHOULD be the standard, not a remarkable exception to the rule.
Bands like Metallica who outlived their usefulness a decade or more ago, who refuse to throw in the towel despite the fact that they've turned into a bunch of greedy gap khaki pussies who spend more time getting their corporate lawyers to sue people and crying over how they've been wronged by copyright infringers and magazine critics than they do writing music, and when they do write music it has all the bite and edge of Pat Boone. If your main mission is to prove that you're still hardcore, and that you've still "got it," then you DON'T have it. Bands who have still got it don't have comeback tours, they have sustained followings. Shall I mention "Reloaded?" Yeah, I know it was a low blow to bring it up. Stop crying in your Metamucil.
People who drink out of my drink without permission and then act like I'm a freak for having a hang-up about drinking after them, as though their stupidity and lack of consideration is of small significance next to my neurosis about catching their diseases.
"C'mon - I just took a sip. There's nothing wrong with it."
"Pardon me if I didn't plan on catching herpes, mononucleosis and hepatitis today. If there's nothing wrong with it, I guess you won't mind buying it off me before I throw it at you."
Women who think that every flat horizontal surface on earth is their own personal baby changing table. In the last month I've seen a woman using a bench in McDonalds, even though they HAVE a baby changing station in the restroom, and I saw a woman changing her baby at the Laundromat on the laundry folding table. Gee, thanks, breeders. Nothing comforts me more than knowing that I'm folding my clean laundry on a table coated in baby diarrhea. Do I hate children? No. I hate adults with no class.
People who think that having a high income is the same thing as being very intelligent and having high moral values.
People waiting for the elevator with their noses practically pressed into the crack between the doors so when they open, they have to go, "Duhhh Excuse me," and either move out of the way or be trampled. Surely nobody will be getting off the elevator at the ground level of this 60 story office building at 5:37pm.
The ghetto all-matching clothes thing. On a daily basis I see these fuckin' guys. They're wearing a powder blue baseball hat with a white logo, a powder blue "Du-rag," a powder blue shirt with with white stripes over a powder blue t-shirt with a mostly white logo, a pair of powder blue shorts with white stripes that matches the outer shirt exactly, white socks with a powder blue stripe and powder blue shoes with a white stripe. Coordination doesn't mean wearing everything all one color like a fucking cartoon character. The only time wearing all the same color looks right is on a business suit or a set of pajamas. When fashion magazines etc. talk about color coordination, they don't mean it in the literal mathematical sense..
Anyone who owns one of those motorized necktie organizers from Sharper Image. So this is what people buy when they've got way too much money and no interesting pastimes upon which to spend it, huh? I have an amazing tie organizer too, which was given to me for free by the dry cleaner. It's called a "coat hanger." It takes up very little closet space, can hold a whole bunch of ties and keep them all wrinkle-free, and has no moving parts to mess up. I hear you say, "But I've got a whole bunch of ties because I'm a big important businessman who can crack walnuts between his ass cheeks." That's what's great about the "coat hanger." Free plus free equals FREE. You can have two or eight or thirty of them and it's still free. Just think- your bathtub full of hundred dollar bills doesn't have to be even two bills shallower.
Diet cola. When diet cola was invented in 1959, the goal was simple, obvious and clear: make it taste like real cola, but reduce the calories. Now, after over 44 years of study, millions of dollars and hundreds of people's entire careers devoted solely to researching new ways of achieving this goal, we can say, wholeheartedly, that they have FAILED UTTERLY. It still tastes like flat yak urine syrup with brown food coloring. YUM! Vaguely sweet brown water! If the computer industry had the determination of the diet cola industry, we could expect to achieve the Commodore 64 in the year 2478.
People who think it's not patriotic to criticize our leaders. This whole "Love it or leave it" attitude is completely misdirected. You think you're more patriotic than me because you support a usurper who arrived in power through a slippery coup d'état disguised as an election and is doing everything he possibly can to make the whole world despise us, while sapping away all of our freedoms and right to privacy? George W. Bush and his entourage of thugs, Ashcroft, Powell, Rumsfeld, Ridge and Cheney, seem to be dead set on making sure people hate us enough to hit us with more terrorist attacks, and while the last one seemed barbaric to most people abroad, the next one's going to make the whole world cheer, "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING FUCKHEADS!" The way I see it, people who let the rats get away with ruining our country and trashing our reputation are the real lousy patriots here. The people who roll over and let a runaway government do whatever damage they want are the real traitors. I'm a better patriot than you could ever be because I say GET THE CROOKS OUT! I know that this country could be great again, but it needs dissenters to fix it. Allowing these criminals to remain in power and do whatever evil shit they want, unquestioned, is wrecking this country. Fix what's broken. Hold them accountable. Question authority. Spread truth. Resist. Disagree. Protest. Reform. If you've got the money, RUN FOR ELECTION. A good patriot would. "To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." Theodore Roosevelt, The Kansas City Star - May 7, 1918
Radio DJ's who crank the bass on their microphones to the top in an attempt to make themselves sound like eight foot giants with nuts the size of cantaloupes. You hear a car drive by with the radio turned up and all you hear is, "BVVV BVVVVVV BV BVVVV BVV BVVVV."
Guys who wear their oversized baseball hats down to their eyelids so they have to tilt theirs heads back to see where they're going. Oh yeah. You're hardcore. Oh wait. Did I say, "hardcore?" Oh, sorry. I meant to say, "fucking retarded."
Online Pay MP3 Services.
Let me get this straight. I could download as many songs as I want on thousands of different servers... FOR FREE, or get music from people who like the same music as me... FOR FREE, or I could go to Apple iMusic or Pressplay and PAY to get exactly the same thing. Hmm.. Let me think about this for just a minute. You can tell my mind is reeling from this quandary. It's such a tough decision. I buy loads of CDs, but that's mostly because I want to own the physical object. I want lyric sheets and artwork. I end up buying the music I really like anyway. Why would I PAY for an MP3: something everyone's been able to get for FREE for years?
"HEY, YOU REALLY WANNA PAY US FOR THAT STUFF YOU COULD EASILY GET FOR FREE FROM A MILLION PLACES ANYWAY, RIGHT?"
"Ummmm... NO."
Music Industry Giants! Let me offer my services as a development consultant free of charge. Let me help you get a clue since all of your research and development people seem to all be taking a permanent glue sniffing break and pulling paychecks for it. There are three possible ways that people will come to possess your recordings:
A.) They will go to one of your horrendous record store chains and shuck out 17-20 bucks for the CD, not knowing if it's any good. This method is good for you, but not for consumers since you keep burning them by promoting albums that have, at best, one almost-tolerable song and twelve losers. The sixteen year old kid buying your CD doesn't know that it's digital dogshit until he's parted with six hours' worth of his take home pay. You cackle evilly and light a thirty dollar cigar as casually as most people would pop a stick of gum in their mouths.
B.) They could sit in the comfort of their own homes and download all the music they want for free with minimal effort - and unlike your horrible corporate radio, they don't have to sit through 10 minutes of commercials to hear four minutes of music - music that's on a playlist of only 10 songs, so you can jam the same shit in their ears 100 times a day until they zombify and buy the CD. Your Pavlov experiment has gone horribly awry. You grit your teeth in rage since your profits fall from 8 gazillion to 7.9 gazillion an hour. You light your 30 dollar cigar just as casually, but you hold it a little more firmly. You spend millions of dollars on congressional lobbying and ad campaigns that use your trained chimps (read "artists") explaining how downloading music for free is the same as stealing... because people are supposed to CARE that they're taking one particle of beluga caviar off Lars Ulrich's blini. The downloaders are holding all the cards. They're impossible to catch and they can download all your music, sometimes before you even release it in stores. When they download something crappy, like all that Staind / Linkin Park / Sum 41 / Blink 182 crap that you've been trying to foist off as "hardcore" or even more laughably as "artistic expression," that same 16 year old kid that you burned a hundred times before can delete your pap without a second thought. He has the opportunity to slow down and consider whether it's worth his money to let your army of cybernetic Britney Spears replicants march on unimpeded. You never considered the idea that for people to value your product, you had to make a product that actually had value, did you? You always relied on people not being able to test your product before they bought it. But the times they are a-changin'. I wrote that line. Prove I didn't. All it is anymore is a stream of ones and zeros: Alls and Nothings. Guess which one of those two is your share now. Burns, doesn't it? Now you know how we've always felt.
C.) They could download it from your pay site. Sure, there will be some people who are clueless as to how easy it is to bypass your little Pay-For-Play concept. AOL and Mac have been around for years with their businesses fueled by little more than their clients' ignorance, but why would anyone pay when they know they don't have to? Go ahead. Put a bandaid on the bullet wound. Eventually, your paying clients will get wise. What will you do then? Put more banners on the site? Have more celebrity endorsements? Put your site on more billboards? Grease more government officials? How well has that approach worked for you so far? What's worse is Apple iMusic uses AAC format, not MP3, so if you don't have an iPod or a Mac and don't want to use Mac software, then guess what? YOU CAN'T PLAY IT ANYWAY. Let's see... They could buy the CD for 20 bucks, download it from Itunes for a dollar a song - which is about 14 bucks.... plus they have to buy an iPod to make it practical... which is another 400 bucks... or... they COULD DOWNLOAD IT FOR FREE from ANYWHERE. Wise up, corporate rock. You abused people with your crappy music and exorbitant prices for too long. Now they don't care if they hurt you or not.
People who put their kids into little league sports with the intent of helping them build confidence. What a great way to build confidence: go up to bat amidst the screams of parents who think it's a major league game and probably have money riding on it. "You swung at THAT???!!! You think that's a strike??!! What are you, BLIND???!!" Then you get pegged in the face because little league pitchers are chosen for their ability to throw the ball really hard, not necessarily because they can put it over the plate. And oddly enough, the pitcher is always some kid who looks suspiciously like he's sixteen, playing among nine year olds, and half of the time it's the coach's son. Yeah, nothing builds confidence more than being publicly shamed and getting pelted by baseballs. The only kids who do well are little alpha males who already have confidence in the first place.
People who have chronic ailments who don't do what their doctor tells them, acting like the doctor is being meddlesome or preachy. "Hey Dave, how did the visit to the doctor go? Did he give you new medicine for your bleeding ulcer?"
"Nah. He just harped on me about needing to stop drinking a fifth of Jack Daniels every day.... Like I'm sure he's Mister Perfect."
People______ who
write__ really__lousy
P -O -E -T -R -Y
_________________________so __they...
TRY to___________
____com-
____pen-
___sate
B Y getting "creative" _________with the
F ___O ___R ___M A TT I N G
Old people who think that your life just won't be complete unless you hear all about their spastic colons and swollen prostates.
A Portfolio is a collection of ART. Referring to your array of stocks, bonds and mutual funds as a portfolio, as though greed and parasitism is creative, is an insult to the word.
Women who get collagen injections in their lips until it looks like someone smushed a big lumpy wad of pink pla-doh on their faces.
Sure, I'm happy that cell phones and pagers are now cheap and reliable, but is it really necessary to be able to buy them at any video store, gas station, tanning booth, grocery, check casher, mall t-shirt kiosk, church, manicure salon, used cd store, car impound lot, brothel, homeless shelter, auto detailer, gym, drug store, pizza place, cigar bar, library, boutique, hardware store, Burger King, bunny rabbit smashetorium, pawn shop, Off Track Betting, travel agency, Department of Motor Vehicles, Masonic temple, batting cage, extraterrestrial obelisk, shooting range, taxidermist, massage parlor, tiki hut and dildo store?
Guys who use the protein in their bodies that is normally used for building brain cells to grow thick gorilla body hair.
Guys who think they're going to launch their comedy careers from their entry level part time customer service jobs. Ho ho! See, normally people would consider your little wisecracks about the food they bought rude and unprofessional, but not me. See, I'm a talent scout for Comedy Central, and we've been looking for someone who can quip and crack wise about such cutting-edge topics as the selection of paper or plastic grocery bags or the way Wow Doritos will give you explosive projectile diarrhea. You'll go far in life, son. In fact, I think they need you right now to clean up a spill in aisle eight.
Guys next to you on planes and trains who are determined that they're going to become your best buddy before you get away from them. Cats have it great. They just hiss and bare their fangs and the message is clear.
Old people who constantly have a horrible teeth-clenched pained expression on their faces as though someone is slowly jamming white-hot hat racks up their urethras.
People who think that Marilyn Manson is the most evil man alive, who vote Republican across the board.
"My Bad"
People who have more love for the imaginary entity known as God than they do for the real people around them.
Those morons who say, "Human blood is actually bright blue until it hits the air. Then it turns red. That's what I heard anyways." I've HEARD a lot of shit, but I don't believe all of it. If human blood was blue inside your body, you'd turn fucking blue when you blushed. What color does your skin turn when it's pinched after the blood flows back? RED! What color is blood when it's flowing through a needle into a plastic tube, unexposed to the air when you donate blood? RED! What color are the capillaries in your eyes when they're bloodshot? FUCKING RED! The chemical that makes blood hemoglobin red is iron oxide, the same chemical that makes rust red. There's no chemical in blood that could make it turn blue. Anatomical diagrams of the circulatory system show veins as royal blue to make sure you can distinguish them from arteries. They never intended for you to carry the idea around in your little brain until you die that blood is bright blue. I know you first heard this fallacy when you were eight years old and even dumber than you are now, but LET IT GO! You're WRONG! Usually these people will halfway concede by saying something like, "Yeah, well... it IS a little darker until it hits the air." Oh, but wait a minute. Two seconds ago, before I SHAMED YOU MERCILESSLY, you said it was bright blue. Now all of a sudden it's "kinda a little darker?" That seems like a really easy and quickly retrievable backup argument, considering you were SO SURE of yourself a minute ago. So basically, you KNEW what you were saying was complete bullshit, but you said it anyway to look cool, with the backup argument handy in case there was someone in the room who actually passed Middle School level Biology. These jackoffs will generally say anything to be the coolest guy in the room for 3.2 seconds: the exact amount of time it takes me to lower my drink from my mouth, cock my right eyebrow to the top of my forehead and inhale the correct amount of air to deliver the exact pitch needed to make sarcasm resonate with the correct frequency so that everyone in a 50 foot radius knows your argument is getting ready to be fucked in the ass before I even get two syllables out. (Radius may be variable due to the playing of loud music or the sound absorption properties of dense crowds of people. This does not affect delivery of sarcasm because extra air will be inhaled to compensate with boosted volume.) I guess telling people you can fly would demand some sort of proof. I'd stab you a few times to see if blood really is blue, but with your dying breath, you'd squeak out, "But it's red because it hit the air as it shot out of my carotid artery in a fine, high pressure mist." The dumbass conversation starter concept applies to other bullshit, too. The way I see it, the dumbest guy in the room doesn't deserve to be the life of the party. He deserves to sit there, stir his drink, and know that anything that comes out of his mouth will ensure that everyone knows he's a pretentious retard. I do not humor these putzes.
Radio Shack and Circuit City. Let's address these individually.
Radio Shack is the biggest chain in America for electronic parts. This is flawed because THEY NEVER HAVE ANYTHING USEFUL. They've tried to diversify into an all-in-one electronics store, and as a result, they don't cover ANYTHING well. They have a little bit of everything, and NOTHING YOU WANT. I went there looking for a standard microphone (3 prong) coupler. The salesperson thought that standard microphones had a single prong headphone type plug. NO. ONLY AT RADIO SHACK and TOYS R US do microphones hook into 1/4 inch plugs. Look. Not everyone uses mics to hook into corny toy karaoke shit they bought at Radio Shack. They have a wide array of sub-par speakers, TV's, stereos, DVD players, electronic toys, telephones, computer accessories and the largest collection of clock radios in the universe. They've also trained their sales people to be as annoying as possible. When I went in to buy a two dollar motor for a project, the sales person said, "Do you have a cell phone?" Like GEE-WOW. Y'know. I only planned on spending TWO DOLLARS here but, OOPS! I ACCIDENTALLY SPENT TWO HUNDRED BUCKS THAT I DIDN'T PLAN ON. That's taking the idea of a hard-sell impulse buy to new levels of stupidity. How fucking retarded are their managers to even hope this would work? On occasion, they've asked me for my address when I've bought things there. They do that so they can send me junk mail. When they asked, I said, "Why do you need my address?"
"It's for your receipt, sir."
"But I keep my receipt and I KNOW WHERE I LIVE, SO I DON'T NEED IT ON MY RECEIPT. Don't send me junk mail." When you buy something with a credit card, they use the address information to send you junk mail. Then they have the gall to have a big sign at the register explaining how they "respect your right to privacy," because apparently disregarding your privacy enough to send you unsolicited junk mail is somehow different from giving your address to other advertisers who would just do the exact same thing.
Circuit City is the largest retailer of consumer electronics in the US. Why then are they always about EIGHT MONTHS BEHIND the latest trends in electronics. In the software department, they have the software that's on the bargain table in most stores. In the PDA section they have Palm Pilots that were discontinued at the prices they were originally released for, and at the prices that the new models are selling for everywhere else. Their computer section is a joke. It's dominated by Hewlett Packard and Compaq, which are rated among the WORST computers on the market. They also like to focus on Apple computers, but I think I've covered Mac thoroughly farther down in this list. That dead horse will go unflogged tonight. In the digital camera, video camera and DVD player areas they have what was big last year. What are they doing to compensate? They're following Radio Shack's glorious business model of OVER-DIVERSIFICATION. They're trying to branch out into selling CDs and DVDs and other crap. Guess what. When I want a DVD or CD, I go to (get this) a store that specializes in DVDs and CDs. If Virgin Mega-Store or Kim's Video doesn't have a copy of some movie that I'm looking for, guess where I'm going? SOME OTHER MEDIA STORE! I wouldn't even remember that Circuit City sells videos and music. And why should I? All they ever have are things that are huge release anyway; stuff that I could get ANYWHERE. They don't have any videos or CDs that would ever be sold out in even the crappiest media stores. Woo - I better go to Circuit City so I can get hard-to-find titles like Saving Private Ryan and Smashmouth's latest projectile-vomit-worthy CD.
People who don't do anything about it when their nose is whistling. Look! Blow your fucking nose. Even pick it if there's no other way. Anything would be better than sitting next to you for twenty minutes hearing, "Weeeee.....Weeeeee..... Weeeeee..... Weeeeee."
Behemoth Baby Strollers. When I was a kid, a stroller was a teeny tiny little chair with wheels and handles. Today's strollers can carry kids until they're old enough to drive, and are already equipped for the occasion with four wheel anti-lock disk brakes, air bags and V6 engines. I'm sick of waiting for elevators, only to have the doors open and see a mother with a kid in a stroller ALONE and the elevator is FULL. Why the fuck are today's strollers bigger than a Volkswagen? What's the point? I thought the idea was to make the kid easier to move around. Isn't that purpose kinda defeated by buying a stroller with a kitchenette, entertainment center, bowling alley, planetarium, satellite dish and Jacuzzi? Remember Rodney Dangerfield's huge golf bag in Caddyshack? Maybe I'm a little late explaining this, but the giant golf bag was supposed to be absurd, not cool.
"Can you hear me now? ... Good. Can you hear me now? ... Good. Can you-"
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Ka-thunk
"Hello? Can you hear him now? No? ... Good." *Click*
Eminem Fan Boys. Just suck his dick already.
Americans who think they sound cool when they say Arse and Shite.
"Edited For TV" Movies. If you can't show it the way it was made, DON'T SHOW IT AT ALL. When I'm watching Casino on Network TV, and a guy calls another guy a "Freaking Maggot," I seriously feel offended - not by the fact that I know that the real words are "Fucking Faggot," but by the fact that you insulted my intelligence by thinking I wouldn't notice or mind when some lame, mismatched voice-over blurts in like a clumsy janitor. Your excuse is that you're trying to show the movie to a wider audience. My rebuttal is that people who cringe at the sight of a breast or a penis shouldn't be allowed to enjoy da Vinci or Michelangelo. If people are too prudish to enjoy art in its intended form, then fuck 'em. It's their loss. Why should I have to suffer through a BROKEN version of a great movie just because prudes are skittish about "naughty" language and go into a fit of terror at the sight of a human breast?
Ennui addicts that update their page to tell you that they're BORED. SO AM I, FUCKHEAD! THAT'S WHY I WANTED TO LOOK AT WEBPAGES! IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY, DON'T FUCKING MAKE A WEBPAGE! See... Let me explain something that has probably slipped by all you uncreative little web-heads who do blogger pages and live journals about NOTHING and link to each other's bloggers that are all about NOTHING. Being bored is DUMB. It's not Hardcore. It's not Artsy. It's not Dramatic. It's not Hip. It's DUMB. You are not a tortured artist. You are not a jaded intellectual. You are not a diamond in the rough. You're FILLER. Nobody is going to see you and your little boring webpage and think, "Holy shit she's so fucking cool and intense! I must get close to her radiant coolness! God! The way she updated her webcam archive to include pics of her new haircolor kept me enthralled for hours. When she had the ends dyed blonde I thought she was God Incarnate, but now that she dyed the tips PINK!... Oh My God! I think I'm gonna CUM! A couple of days ago, she pasted the lyrics to a Linkin Park song as her entire update, along with a closeup pic of her eye. I don't know when I've been so moved. Every day her little Livejournal emoticon says, "Bored," and has a picture of a little anime guy pouting. I know it's just a stock emoticon, but somehow she makes it her own and I can hear it calling out to me, 'Delve deep inside my abyss of ennui and boredom and you will see that I'm just too cool for this world.' I wanna sell my house and my car and be her man-slave and rub scented oils on her flesh!" If anybody does, then it's because they're EVEN MORE BORING AND PATHETIC THAN YOU! NO! You are NOT interesting. You are not too cool for "the scene." You're fucking DULL and LIFELESS! Is that something you want publicized? It sure as hell isn't something I want to read about. If you're boring and stupid, KEEP IT QUIET!
People on Ebay who sell things in "Lots." Just what I need, a package of three CD's that the seller insists on selling TOGETHER: "Enya - Watermark," "Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile," and "A-Teens - Pop Til You Drop."
The stupid lemming-like pseudopatriotism that George W. Bush is rallying over his stupid oil war. He's got the whole idiotic country pissed at the French, just because they have enough sense to see how self-serving his little agenda is. In the Congress and House of Representatives, Republican nimrods have decreed that House restaurants and cafeterias will no longer offer "French Fries" or "French toast," but will instead change the name to fucking "FREEDOM FRIES." Holy fucking hamsterchrist! I WISH I was making this retarded shit up. As I read the news, I could feel my IQ points sapping away and being replaced by fluffy, delicious angel food cake. Mmmmmmmm! Shit like this is going to make the whole world laugh their asses off at us looking like complete fuckwads. The idiocy of the name "Freedom Fries" is enough to make me hide my face in shame in international airports. At least the Fries are still enjoying some freedom, I suppose. I guess Fries don't fall under the jurisdiction of the USA Patriot Act or the Patriot Act 2 (READ MORE) the way every human living in America does. Even if the Patriot Act applied to Fries, I don't think they would be able to appreciate the seriousness of the complete loss of the Fourth Amendment and the Bill of Rights. Then again, the average American seems to be pretty unconcerned with this too. They just want to see who's going to win on Elimidate, hence making them EVEN DUMBER THAN FRENCH FRIES, who demonstrate their mental superiority by showing little or no interest in Elimidate. When I go to McDonald's, I'm going to say, "Excuse me, Miss, could I get some MURDEROUS CRIMINAL REDNECK HOLYROLLER COWBOY TRAITOR MORON fries with my burger? SUPERSIZE it, TEXAS STYLE! I want to be well-fed when the Apocalypse happens. Ron and George and Mini-George have worked so hard for it, believing in their hearts that the book of Revelations is 100% fact, and that bringing on the end of the world would buy them front row tickets to Jesus' very own Vegas-style revue. They'd be so disappointed if anything were to get in their way, like logic or diplomacy. Well, since WW3 is pretty much an inevitability now, I wouldn't want to get sent to Hell on an empty stomach. Better give me a supersize Coke too. I hear there's not a lot to drink in the Lake of Fire." I can totally see why everyone's so pissed at the French though. I mean, what have they done for us..... except be instrumental in helping us win our Revolutionary War and gain our independence so we can say we're actually a real country living under its own government (Even though it's been usurped by corporate criminals)? I mean, I know that if they hadn't helped us back then, we would have lost miserably and would still be a British colony. And they sold us the Louisiana Purchase for peanuts, which is the majority of our current land mass, which they controlled, but what have they done for us LATELY? I say we sink The Statue of Liberty in the harbor out of protest against the French who gave us one of the most powerful symbols of American freedom as a gift. It's not like we value our freedom anymore anyway, so we don't need to keep old musty symbols around to remind us about those outdated ideas that the Founding Fathers imagined for our future. We like to point out that we bailed the French out during WW2, too. Let's put this into perspective. We didn't help them at all until we couldn't possibly put it off any longer, and only then, because it served our interests. Liberating France was incidental next to our goal of defeating our own enemy. We let them stay occupied for FOUR YEARS before we helped them, and even then, it was only to help ourselves. Start bitching at the French when Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden have occupied the White House for four years. Until then, don't scream and complain about France not wanting to join a war that isn't even theirs. If you do, it's clear to me that the war propaganda machine has seeped into your soft, permeable skull and has you by the nuts. If you want to die to make the worst president in history a rich, rich man, go for it. Don't cry when nobody wants to join you. (Written March 11, 2003.)
Movies and video games that have had so many sequels that they're too embarrassed to say what number it is so they switch to things like "Street Fighter ALPHA" and "Jason X."
Those commercials for Valtrex herpes medicine. All the medicine does is treat the symptoms. It doesn't CURE the disease, so it can still be spread. The ads always have a woman who has genital herpes with a handsome boyfriend. They're always enjoying a romantic beach vacation showing lots of cuddling. What they're implying is, "Look how happy she is because her BUBBLY DROOLING WEEPING TWAT BLISTERS aren't showing so they don't tip the poor guy off as to what hideous groin diseases she's giving him." "Thanks to Valtrex, I can get on with my life... of infecting men with horrible STD's without them knowing!"
Idiots who fuck up ID3 Tags on MP3's. I know it's REALLY technical and all, but I think it's pretty obvious what you're supposed to fill in. I'm getting really tired of loading stuff on my MP3 player and it's all totally disorganized because some fucktard filled the ID3 Tag in like this:
Artist: Pigs on the Wing
Song: Pink
Album Title: 1977
Year: Animals
Genre: Floyd
Also - If you're one of these assholes, DO NOT NOT NOT submit your listings to the CD Database, or I'll FIND YOU AND DO BAD THINGS TO YOUR COLON WITH A BROKEN WHISKEY BOTTLE.
Pity addicts who talk about committing suicide all the time and NEVER DO IT. You'll meet this guy in tenth grade and he talks about how the world sucks and how he hates his parents and how he's going to kill himself, and maybe he'll take 15 advils and throw up, thus failing to even kill his headache. His parents send him to counseling. His friends tell him that life gets better and that he has so much to live for... You see this guy around for years, and he always talks about how his life is a mess and how he ought to just kill himself once and for all. He phones the girl who dumped him 4 years ago every day to tell her how she ruined him and how having her back would make everything better, and how not having her back is driving him to "do something bad." By the time he's 30, his arms are scarred up from "failed suicide attempts" (read "attention seeking dramatic shows involving cuts that are too shallow to cut any arteries"). Look. SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT. Suicide is fucking easy if you MEAN it. Your inevitable eventual suicide looks like it's getting postponed into old age. Find a new bit. This act is tired. If you meant business, it would be DONE by now. NEED HELP? I'm sure 15 minutes of driving around at 2am in Harlem could round up someone who would help you along off this mortal coil. Hell, you could probably even find someone with experience and references.
The fact that every time I go to a fast food restaurant and order something 'plain' the cashier scratches his head and winces at the terminal as though I had asked him to use its internal circuitry to build a time machine.
That stupid tan photographer's vest that foreign corespondents wear on the news when they're reporting from a war zone. Why the hell do you wear a suit when you're in Chicago, but when you're in Afghanistan it's time to pull out that tan vest? You couldn't find anything else to wear? You're not even a photographer. It's not like you need pockets for your lenses. "Good evening. This is Dan Rather reporting from the war zone in Kabul. You can tell I'm in a war zone because I am donning a tan vest with many pockets. Yep."
Ultra-Fans. These are the mega-COOLEST, most uber-elite fans of any particular thing. They say,"Hey, do you like Joy Division?" and you reply, "Yeah, I like them ok." At this point a normal human would think, "Hey cool. He likes the same band I do. That's kinda neat since lots of people haven't heard of them. GLEE!!!" Not the Ultra-Fan. The Ultra-Fan wants to TEST your devotion and interest to judge whether you're A.) An obsessive-compulsive worshipper, who refers to the band members casually by their first names, constantly rattles off trivial factoids about the band without a second thought, and is hence, passably cool, or B.) Someone who simply enjoys their music and takes a casual interest, and hence idiotic SCUM since you fail to realize the immense depth of the cosmic importance and genius of Joy Division, because you're obviously some stupid poser who's just trying to look cool, you fake PIECE OF SHIT!! "So uhh... what's your favorite song by Joy Division?" This is a loaded question. While on the surface it appears to be a matter of opinion, it's actually a test question with possible correct and incorrect responses. You reply, "I kinda liked 'Love Will Tear Us Apart.'" You have made a grievous error in your selection. The Ultra-Fan always condescendingly scoffs at people who liked a band's greatest hit... or second greatest hit... or sixteenth greatest hit... or anything that they released on any of their studio albums (aka "corporate sellout bullshit"). Had you named some song that the band played ONLY ONE TIME at a tiny beer bar in 1977 in front of 22 people, with no known recording in existence, then MAYBE... just MAYBE you would have been cool.... cool enough to warrant the NEXT question. But NO! Anyone who likes something that's not absolutely obscure is utterly stupid or is saying they like something to impress the Ultra-Fan without knowing anything about the very most basic aspects of the band, such as the bass player's birthday or the lead singer's favorite restaurant. At this point the Ultra-Fan despises you with every ounce of contempt and venom that he can muster. The look on his face is one of unmistakable and very deep disgust that he is totally unable to conceal. You have failed. You are deemed unworthy of friendship to the Ultra-Fan. I know you're sad. You could have been his ONLY friend, but alas. Now he has more time to himself to obsess over minutiae relating to a band that broke up 20 years ago, and listen to hours of ancient audio tape that was recorded with a microcassette recorder concealed in someone's pant pocket at concerts that happened before you were born, and then duplicated dozens of times over so all you can make out is a distorted cacophony of cymbals and a constant unintelligible rumbling sound. Just think. You could have been there with him, but you blew your chance. Poor you.
The ghetto Bronx practice of NEVER USING DOOR BUZZERS. Instead of hitting the door buzzer to get someone to come out of their apartment in a manner that won't annoy anyone, you know - EXACTLY WHAT THE BUZZER IS THERE FOR, these hood-rats stand outside on the sidewalk staring upwards screaming, "HEY, JENNY!..... JENNY! ......YO, JENNY!...... (LOUD WHISTLE)....... EEEEEEOOOOOO!!! (weird ghetto hailing noise)........................... JENNY!!.........................YO, JENNY!!!!" for as long as 20 minutes.
Horrendously unattractive skanks who assert that people who think they're ugly are superficial. Then they wear revealing clothes to show how "sexy" they are - you know - because wearing trashy hooker clothes appeals to some other sensibility besides noticing surface characteristics and shows people how beautiful they are on the inside.
Obsessive Compulsive Capitalists. I know this guy who can't enjoy or experience ANYTHING without wondering how much money could be made on it. We go to a restaurant and invariably he says something like, "I wonder what the overhead on a place like this would be. It's in a decent but inexpensive neighborhood. This is basically just pasta and some vegetables. I wonder what they pay wholesale for that, and then sell it to us for 12 dollars a plate. Hmmmmmm." One time I had to stop off at a check casher before we went out. His immediate question was, "What percentage do they charge? Hmmmmmmm. Maybe I could get into that..." Another time he checked out my webpage and said, "Hey, have you ever considered charging people to access your site? No? Why don't you put some ads on there? No? But you sell t-shirts on there right? What do you mean you don't mark the prices above what the vendor charges you? What's the point of that? Hmmmmmm..... How much do you pay to run that site? Hmmmmmm.... Do you think you could set up a page for me? Content? Uhhh... You could help me with that couldn't you? I'll pay you." No matter what he's doing he's constantly trying to save a few bucks or he's brainstorming over how he could profit from everything.... EVERYTHING. He probably halfway considers whoring out his wife. Look. You're obnoxious. You're a parasite. Your greed consumes you. You're a lamprey that walks on land, and I've got the coolest idea that will make you rich with no effort and very little investment. You wanted me to help you get into E-business, so here's my idea. Buy a gun. It doesn't have to be a really good gun since it's only going to fire one shot at point blank range. Accuracy doesn't matter if you put the barrel in your mouth. You'll only need one bullet, so you can save a few bucks by not buying a full box. Buy a webcam and space on a webserver. Set up a paypal account and charge people ten bucks a head to see your suicide broadcast live from your living room. Maybe you could even get some corporate sponsors. What would be cooler than you blowing your brains out live on the internet with a Nike "JUST DO IT" t-shirt on? You could be the next Star-Wars Kid or Pee Drinking Monkey or Goatse.cx guy. You'd make a fortune for a 1000th of a second worth of light work.
This guy in a pizza place let out a long chunky-style belch REALLY loudly, and said to his friend (projected enough that the whole place was meant to hear), "Damn, that was good! You know, in Ancient Chinese culture burping was considered a compliment to the chef." WELCOME TO MODERN AMERICA, YOU CRUDE, PRETENTIOUS FUCKHEAD! You just belched in a restaurant full of people. Congratulations! They all now think you're a piece of shit. You couldn't just leave their ire based on the notion that you're some dumb beast who's ignorant of human social customs. No! You and your big, stupid, yammering cock holster had to go and amplify their hatred by telling some inane story of dubious credibility and relevance at a volume intentionally loud enough to be heard by everyone, as though you're delivering an address, that explains why you acted like an absolute buffoon ON PURPOSE!
Why is it in every Sci-Fi movie, the heroes and villains have different colored lasers?
"Close Door" buttons in elevators that make the doors close just as slowly and pretty much when they would have on their own. What's the point? How am I supposed to rend someone's arm off at the shoulder if the door is going to be leisurely about closing when I hit the button? Don't these engineers have any common sense? If the button is there, it should at least be able to slam the door fast enough to make a woman with arms full of grocery bags sprint like a maniac to catch the door with her foot, only to have it splattered like an overripe tomato to the sound of me cackling behind the merciless serrated titanium doors of doom.
This one's not really a rant against people who don't speak english. It's just me being annoyed at idiots. Bear with me. I was calling this guy to come work for me and got this lady at his house.
"Hello. This is Blahblah from Blahblahblah. May I speak to Luis please?"
".......I...sorry....No...uhhhhh..speak English."
Okay - whatever. They don't speak english. That's fine. I'll keep it simple. If I just say the guy's name. Surely that's not too difficult to comprehend regardless of language. It's someone's name, which has nothing to do with Spanish to English translating. "Luis? (few seconds pause)... Luis?"
"...uhhhh..."
"Luis?"
".............Sorry.....uhhhh.....Not understand English."
IT'S SOMEONE'S NAME! IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ENGLISH. IT'S NOT EVEN AN ENGLISH NAME! I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THE GUY LIVES THERE. THE GUY'S CURRENTLY THERE OR HE ISN'T! I'M NOT ASKING YOU A WORD PROBLEM! I'M JUST ASKING YOU A FUCKING NAME! SOMEONE CALLS ON THE PHONE AND SAYS "DAVE?" AND I UNDERSTAND! If there's a Dave around, I'll give him the phone. If there isn't a Dave around, I can figure that out easily too. I don't care if they speak Turkish or Chinese or Swahili. A name is a fucking NAME. NO TRANSLATION NECESSARY. God, I hate people.
Women who breastfeed in public like it's no big deal. "Ohhhh - what's the matter with you. It's perfectly natural and healthy for a woman to nourish her baby by breastfeeding." Yeah. It's also perfectly natural and healthy for a heterosexual adult male to stare at your naked tit. You can't just switch off the sexuality of a woman's breast by attaching your little miniature W.C. Fields to it. You close your shades when you undress. How is this any different? If nourishment flowed from my cock (which, of course, it does), would it be ok for me to pull it out so little creatures could suck on it in the middle of Church? Am I against breastfeeding? No. I am, however, all for making you feel uncomfortable when you do it in the middle of Burger King. Keep your tits in your shirt, lady, unless you want them gawked at. Let's not even get into the fact that 99% of the time a woman is breastfeeding in public, it's a big meaty woman who's breasts you wouldn't even want to see.
People who have never read a book that wasn't written by John Grisham, Anne Rice, Stephen King, Danielle Steele or J.K. Rowling.
The ironic fact that 2/3 of the homepages online have "Often Imitated, Never Duplicated" as their slogan or title. You guys seriously don't see how fucking stupid it is to COPY someone else's tired, unoriginal slogan when it's a slogan about originality? RETARD. RETARD. RETARD CAMSLUT "Awww i need to die? thanks fucktard! If your stupid retarded bitch asa cually read through my page insteed of being a judgemental moron you would know why i use that phrase." (Actual quote from Nadja, Professional Dime a Dozen who doesn't see the EXTREME IRONY of a goth camslut even joking about being original) RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD who thinks that somebody on earth besides him gives enough of a rat's ass to imitate his BEE GEES DISCOGRAPHY. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. Did I kinda make my point?
People who join an online chat room and say, "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Anyone CTC?" WOW! Would I Care To Chat? You betcha! You just totally charmed me! If I didn't chat with you, I'd be kicking myself for a week. Saying witty, poignant, humorous, or intelligent things is for squares! I want to talk to someone strictly because he begged to be talked to. I'm going to use that approach in real life. Next time I'm at a bar, I'm going to go up to the DJ stand, take the needle off the record and say into his mic, "Hi! I'm a male from New York. Would anyone like to talk to me?" I bet I get laid!
Great bands that release a new album every five years.
Shitty bands that release a new album every six months, and release singles every four weeks.
Iomega Zip Drives. Why, in 2003, are these fucking things still around? I had one in 1996 and put it on the shelf when I got a CDRW drive. Let's see... I could use CDR's which store 700 megs, cost about 65 cents each and can be used on any computer, or I could use a Zip Drive which uses disks that can only be used on a computer equipped with a Zip Drive, uses disks that cost over 12 bucks each, and only store 250 megs. I suppose I could carry a big clunky drive around with me everywhere so I could use it on non-equipped computers, but in that case wouldn't it be smarter to carry around an external hard drive that can store 100+ gigs? Is this another one of those stupid Mac vs. PC / VHS vs. Beta things? Pull your heads out of your asses and give us what we want! 200 gigs in a credit card sized drive. If you stopped spending all that money on marketing your obsolete product, we'd fucking have it by now. Woo - it's USB powered now? Be still, my beating heart!
Japanese Porn. Let's take a twelve year old girl in a school uniform, hog-tie her with rope in an obviously painful way, have her simultaneously vomiting, pissing, and shooting a fountain of explosive diarrhea, while fifteen guys coat her face with gallons of semen. In fact, why don't we stuff a bunch of little eels in her asshole with a funnel and then have another girl eat them as she shits them out... but be sure to PIXELATE and BLUR the vagina like a witness on America's Most Wanted, because exposed vaginas are just taking it way too far! Uncensored naked vagina? Now THAT'S OFFENSIVE!
People who think they look like some kind of billionaire special ops character from The Matrix who can dodge bullets almost as fast as he can pimp hoes because they wear their hands-free cell phone earpieces AT ALL TIMES. Right now I'm on the subway and the guy across from me is doing the prepackaged "pimpin'" index-finger-to-beard pose while wearing his earpiece. He won't even be able to get a signal until he gets above ground in thirty minutes. I hope his whole head rots away from the right ear canal out.
Security Guards who live in a wet dream fantasy world where they believe that they're actually REAL COPS, to the extent that they grow the patented "COP MUSTACHE" and give everyone walking through the front door of Taco Bell the Secret Service Scowling Detective Glare. "Ohhhh, Man! Those fourteen year olds look like they're up to something. They're standing way too close to the condiment station. Better slip in close, in case they pull out silenced submachine guns, so I can break their necks in three seconds the way Steven Segal would if he were actually anything more than a lousy actor." These guys like to tell cop-esque stories about wrestling people to the ground. "There was this ONE time that I had to use the Mace! I mean, I know that it was because someone was trying to mug me as I was getting into my 1983 Ford Escort after my shift was over when I was leaving to go home, but the point is, they only got in like five or six good, solid punches directly to my face, before I sprayed them with the mace and then ran inside to call 911... err I mean BACKUP! Hey, man! I'm a lone wolf and I operate in stealth mode. I'm like a NINJA, only more deadly! If kids think they're gonna skateboard across the parking lot, they've got another thing coming while I'm on the job! They're in the sleeper hold before they ever knew what hit 'em! They never even see me coming!" Way to go, Rosco! Now go back and sit on your fat ass next to the soda machine and make sure people don't get more than one refill, or you're going to get your eight-dollars-an-hour pay docked again like you did last week.
Guys who's entire knowledge of human anatomy is based on their favorite sports figure's injuries. Very good, Corky. You know where an ACL is. You're a fucking genius! I'll bet you five bucks you can't find a gall bladder on a diagram.
Christians who haven't actually READ the Bible, yet still consider themselves "saved." If you're going to be preachy and annoying, doesn't it make sense that you should at least know what the tenets of your religion are?... And yeah, there's more to it than "hate gays" and "think abortion is murder." Seriously. Go look it up. Find me the part about abortion being murder. You'll find that "it's a child, not a choice," actually isn't a line from the Bible the way you thought it was. On one of my IRC trips to annoy the channel, #christian, one girl was talking about how Jesus has totally changed her life, and continued on to ask, "So what's the difference between the Old and New Testaments?"
Corporate "Alternative" Rock. What better way to keep music from actually being subversive, than by having a controlled fake music media environment where kids are made to believe that average, nonpolitical, non-rabble-rousing bands like Pearl Jam, Creed, Everclear, Slipknot, Korn, Insane Clown Posse, Radiohead, Oasis, etc. are not just the generic rock bands that they are, but are rebellious and radical. How the fuck can a band that's OWNED by the ESTABLISHMENT be ANTIESTABLISHMENT? (The word "Owned" is not used loosely here). If something they were saying was actually "dangerous" there's no way in hell you would ever see them on MTV or hear them in heavy rotation on the radio. Eminem says "fag." Who fucking cares? "I'm offended!" What? You've never heard that word before? People like Eminem are a Jerry Springer-esque DISTRACTION to keep you lulled. There's no deep controversy. He's not a "dangerous" writer. By Eminem saying "naughty" words, the corporate media makes you feel like you're doing something subversive by listening, and makes prudes and overly-politically-correct people freak out like there actually IS a big problem. Do you hear Eminem saying anything about how a war in Iraq is bullshit? NO WAY! Do you hear Linkin Park saying anything about how the 2000 election was rigged? NOPE. Do you hear Insane Clown Posse explaining how to start a revolution against the government? They're too busy being fucking RETARDED to do that. Look at the term "Alternative." Alternative to what? CONVENTIONAL MEDIA. So why the fuck would you think you'd find REAL alternative media ON a huge corporate conventional media outlet? They don't give a rat's ass about the environment or war or political dirty tricks. They want YOUR MONEY, so they design a product that seems like what you're looking for so they can dig around in your pockets. Probably the only reason they pretend to be concerned about AIDS is because in the future, people dying off might cut into their profit margins. You want steak and they give you baloney and tell you it's steak. You happily gulp it down and they wipe the sweat off their brows since you weren't dissatisfied enough to seek out REAL steak. How would you know it's fake alternative music? If you've been raised on MTV and FM radio, you probably don't even know what alternative music is.
The way on movies how when someone is on the telephone and the person on the other end hangs up, it goes, "CLICK (dial tone)" WHEN SOMEONE HANGS UP ON YOU, IT DOESN'T DO THAT, SO WHY DOES IT ALWAYS DO THAT ON MOVIES AND TV? That's even dumber than the BRIGHT LIGHTS UNDER THE CAR DASHBOARD so you can see the characters when they're driving at night!
Grocery store baggers who give you a separate bag for each item that has a slightly different temperature, density, hardness, size, weight, color, flavor, smell, function, shape, value, type of container or brand name. You'll spend five bucks and come out with seven bags. I appreciate that you didn't put my hamburger buns in the same bag as my milk, but is it illegal to put a soup can in the same bag as a cereal box?
Strangers in public places who are WAY too interested in what you're reading or doing. Right now I'm sitting on the subway with my Palm Pilot, and even as I'm writing this, the guy next to me is cocking his head and straining to see what I'm writing. I thought that tilting it away from him in an obvious way would give him a hint, but the more I tilt it, the harder he tries to see what I'm doing. Right now his head is practically over my left shoulder. Time to be a bit more overt... OK. Just now I put the Palm in my right hand and held it outward towards his face. If he wants to see it so fucking badly, HERE! LOOK! HERE IT IS, YOU NOSY FUCK! When I held it out, he went "What?" as though he thought he was being smooth and had no idea why the frustrated person next to him was shoving his PDA in his face. He stared at the floor until the next stop, where he got off.
People who hear that you're happy with something you bought, like a video camera, bicycle, video card, dvd player, etc. and tell you that yours sucks, because somewhere out there for 3 times the money there's one that's better - even if they don't have it themselves or it hasn't been released yet.
People who immediately play the race card when you make fun of music they like. "When you make fun of Rap or Merengue or Reggae, you're just being racist." Who's more racist, me or you, when you say that being a certain race automatically implies that you MUST listen to certain genres of music? I'm white. Does that automatically mean I listen to Country music? Fuck no! I have TASTE! People don't like Puff Daddy because they're black. They like him because they have fucking awful taste in music. Goddamn you're racist! How dare you say that being certain ethnicities gives you lousy taste?
People, who, knowing that commas, are used, to create pauses, in a sentence, use them, as though, they are creating pauses, for someone, with emphysema, to read, out loud.
People who make that fucking "TSK" mouth smacking noise. THIS SOUND. What the fuck is that shit? Punctuation? "Man! (smacky slobber noise) This line is moving so slow! (smacky slobber noise) Nothing could be more annoying than waiting in this goddamn slow line! (smacky slobber noise) (Noisy sound of me violently decapitating the person with only my fingernails)" NOTHING could be more annoying? Try standing next to YOU for 15 minutes, you fucking mouth smacking feltch monster! When I hear it, it's as though some invisible entity came down and planted an "I AM A MORON AND BEING WITHIN TWENTY FEET OF ME FOR MORE THAN TEN SECONDS WILL RESULT IN ME ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU" flag in the top of the person's head. Every time that noise invades my ear canals, I feel like smashing the person's teeth out so they won't have any left to tongue air through.
People who loan you a video (or CD) that they think is great, but is actually total crap, insisting that you check it out. It sits on your coffee table for a week and they constantly bug you, asking, "So what did you think? Did you check it out yet? Really? Dude! You gotta watch it! It's fucking awesome." Then when you return it, they QUIZ you about what you thought about it to see if you really watched it. "I think it's Schwazeneggar's best comedy since Kindergaten Cop! What do you think? What was your favorite part?"
People who I tell an offensive joke to, who think it's funny, and go tell it to other people who get offended by it. Then they point and say, "Oh - HE told me that!" Then they hate MY guts, when I would have never told the joke to people who I knew I would bomb miserably in front of. If you tell someone a joke, it's YOURS. If you thought the recipients could handle it, and they couldn't, don't fucking point at me. Sure, asshole! Tell the hippy chick with the Greenpeace button on her PETA t-shirt the "Seal Clubbing Joke!" I may have made it up, but it's YOUR fault they heard it, so fucking burn in that shame, you tactless cock. If they thought it was brilliant and hilarious, I wouldn't see you pointing at me, so go die noisily in some searingly painful and excruciatingly slow manner.
People who hear that you have at least a passing interest in something that they like, and from then on won't let you walk past them without wanting to talk about it. "Hey, I hear you own a com-pu-ter! What do you think about the GeForce 4? I got Unreal 17 - want me to burn you a copy? Did you read any reviews about the latest Creative Labs sound card? What did you think about Dell switching to DDR 333 RAM? I got a 22 inch NEC Monitor and I was wondering what you had your refresh rate set at. I heard they were going to release a new type of Compact Flash media. Did you hear anything about that? I was thinking about getting this Handspring PDA. Mind if I email you the URL so I can get your opinion on it? RELATE TO ME!!!! I'M SO LONELY AND ONE-DIMENSIONAL! MUST FIND HUMAN COMPANIONSHIP! HELP ME!!!!! (GRAB GRAB! CLAW CLAW!)
Bank Hours. Most Americans with full-time jobs work 9-5, and most banks are open 9-4 M-F, so the only way people can go to the bank is to miss some time at work, spend their lunch break, or go during the 3 or 4 hours that banks are open on Saturdays (if they even ARE open on Saturdays). Fuck that shit! Bank branches are a fucking service industry, like restaurants or grocery stores. They should be open during hours when working people can go to them. Most of the people who consistently have convenient access to them now don't have jobs, and why the hell would they have money to deposit or withdraw in the first place?
Those commercials on TV for mail-order wampum. As if it's not bad enough that an obnoxious screaming guy is trying to sell you flimsy knives, rickety tools, quack health and beauty aids, CDs that nobody would ever buy, software that wouldn't be worth downloading for free, and cheaply animated videos of Bible stories, they have the AUDACITY to tell you that you're getting a bargain based on some TOTALLY ARBITRARY PRICE that THEY MADE UP OUT OF THEIR DISEASED IMAGINATIONS! "Normally, this set of cheap, tin knives would retail for as much as 74 thousand dollars, but if you call RIGHT NOW, you'll get all this for only 10 low payments of only $19.95!! That's a savings of over SEVENTY THREE THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS! You can't afford to pass up a deal like this!" Oh gee! You're totally right! I would be a complete jerk if I didn't immediately call and order your bullshit. After all, that's like getting $73,800 dollars in value FOR FREE! Surely you won't add my name, phone number and address to a phone solicitor and junk mail "Sucker List." I'm sure a company that claims that their 5 inch plastic sewing tool that runs on two double-A batteries and is being sold for $19.99 is comparable in quality to a professional sewing machine that costs $700 has exemplary business ethics. "Bend over! Operators are standing by!"
People who act like cavemen at restaurants. I went to a "family style" (aka screaming kids) restaurant today, and as the waiter was taking my order, a girl from a table a few feet away from me screamed, WAITER!!!" She needed something of DIRE importance: Ketchup... well... MORE ketchup. Her sister across the table had the other full bottle, and the girl couldn't wait four seconds for her to put it down. The waiter looked over and politely said, "I'll be there in just a minute." He then turned back around and tried to continue taking my order. His pen had only just touched the ticket, when once again we heard the wailing. "WAAAAITER!!!" I wondered what kind of parents would let their kids behave so abominably in public. Then I looked over and saw their mother with AN ENTIRE CHICKEN BREAST, bone and all, on the end of a fork, tearing at it with her sloppy, smacking maw like a tyrannosaur. It was like watching a National Geographic special about subhuman hominids. I imagined she was using a fork only because there was no pointed stick at the place setting.
Bands who's haircuts are 100 times more inventive and interesting than their music. Be sure to spend lots of time looking hardcore and tortured as you grip the mic in both hands and writhe around like the music is so deep and intense that merely singing the lyrics HURTS YOU. Now if only you could WRITE, you'd have a reason to have a job.
People who run webpages, who update their page only to tell you that there's no update because they have writer's block, too much homework (aka writer's block), have been spending too much time at work (aka writer's block), have had a computer crash (aka writer's block), or that their bitchy girlfriend is saying that they spend too much time on the computer (aka writer's block plus whipped). These non-update updates are usually accompanied by a link to something they saw online that they thought was funny that you've probably already seen. "Hey guys! I'm still alive! I know I haven't updated the page since four months ago, before I mistakenly put my digital camera in the dishwasher, but I have a lot of cool things planned so keep checking back! In the meantime, check out this page. (link to Fark.com)" The next time you'll see a change on the page is when it's a big white screen with the message "This page cannot be displayed."
People who accuse black celebrities like Bryant Gumbel and Denzel Washington of "not being black enough." Wait a second. They're BLACK. They each have two black parents and four black grandparents. How are they not black? Should Gumbel wear a baseball hat and a North Face jacket on the news? Should Washington give "big-ups" and "props" instead of "thanks" when he accepts his Oscar? Since when did ghetto street cred count more than genetics to be a certain ethnicity? You mean to tell me Bryant Gumbel's not black enough but Eminem is?
The dialogue that you have to go through to exit a PC video game. "Esc....Quit to Main Menu" "QUIT?" "Yes." (load load) "Quit" "Really Quit?" "Yes." "Are You Totally Serious That You Want To Quit?" "Yes." "Save Game?" "Yes." "Type Filename." "ldfuihfiuhf... Enter" (Goes back to the main game menu) "Quit" "QUIT?" SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH!!!!
People who don't move a muscle when you say, "Pardon me." They're forgetting that "Pardon me" is the polite cousin of "Get the fuck out of the way, asshole," who's never far behind.
People who corner me to talk about stupid crap that I couldn't give a rat's ass about. Without fail I am continually wedged into office corners or lounge alcoves or restaurant booths and pestered by warm-breathed spittle-flinging close-talkers with protruding nose hair who want to tell me lengthy anecdotes about how bad their commute was or how nasty the weather is or how good some zero-star movie with Jet Li was. Just get a fucking pet rock or something. Most likely you already know I don't care about any of the sounds that are blowing in garlic scented gusts of wind out of your trachea and being modulated by your oscillating mandible, so just get a fucking journal if you feel compelled to express thoughts and feelings that nobody on the face of the earth will care the slightest bit about... ever. I'm nodding politely as though I hear what you're saying, but all I can hear is Charlie Brown's teacher from those "Peanuts" cartoons.
Rappers whose post-mortem career is much longer, more profitable, and produces more albums, t-shirts, posters and action figures than when they were alive.
Women who go to sperm banks and insist on being inseminated with the sperm of Nobel Prize winners and accomplished actors and musicians, in striking contrast to their usual insemination method in the restroom stall at two-for-one margarita night with an auto mechanic who failed his GED twice, whose bill collectors and ex-wives' lawyers have on speed dial, who just got his child sodomy case dismissed because it was dark and the 14 year old boy couldn't be 100% sure it was him.
Subway Sandwiches. BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD meat BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD That'll be 6 bucks. Thank you. Come again.
Flakes. Look. If you say you're going to be somewhere, be there. Don't tell me you're going to do something if, in actuality, you're still milling it over. That's passive aggressive bullshit; a fucking annoying power trip. "Hey! I'm going out to that bar tonight with a few of the guys from work. Wanna go?" "Yeah, man! Hey, let's meet at that pizza place at 34th Street at 10:30 so we can grab something to eat first." "Sounds cool. See you then." Then everyone sits at the pizza place until 12:00 waiting for you to show up. Everytime we call you, we get your voicemail. The next day I call you to see what happened and you say something like you didn't feel well, when you really felt fine and spent the whole night watching a marathon of "The Man Show," or some other dogshit. If you're undecided, FUCKING SAY SO. I'd rather even hear, "Nah, I feel like watching Hamtaro for 11 hours," than have you commit to meeting and then I stand there like an asshole waiting for you. I love people who totally disagree with me by comparison to people who have no idea what they want.
People who spend 4 times longer deciding where you're going to go eat, or what movie you're going to rent than you'll actually spend enjoying them.
I had an ex that would go as long as you'd let her.
"What do you want to eat?"
"Oh, whatever. You decide."
"Mexican?"
"Nah."
"Pizza?"
"Nah."
"Burgers?"
"Nah."
"Steaks?"
"Nah."
"Chinese?"
"Nah."
"Italian?"
"Nah."
"Uhhhh... Barbecue?"
"Nah."
"You want to wait until later?"
"No. I'm hungry."
"So what do you want?"
"I donno. Whatever you wanna get. Anything."
(Long contemplative pause) "Uhh... Cajun?"
"Nah."
"Seafood?"
"But you don't like seafood."
"That's ok. I'll just get chicken or a burger there."
"Hmmmm... Nah."
90 minutes and a half-tank of gas later we ended up getting Mexican food. Then at about 8pm we were off to the video store that closed at midnight... without a minute to spare.
"I can't play your video file on my mid-80's Amiga computer. You should fix that."
"I can't play your video.." "Are you using Media Player?" "No." "Download it. It takes like 2 minutes." "Nahh... But I still wanna see it."
"Your video doesn't work." "A couple hundred other people have seen it and I have a few people watching it right now." "Well, it doesn't work."
Those whorish internet beggar sites. Fuck you and your wish list. You want strangers to buy you things just for doing the stupid cam-hooker 'cute head tilt?' There are very few people that I despise on an individual basis, but I fucking LOATHE the girl from savekaryn.com. "Help me erase my twenty thousand dollar debt that I racked up by being a completely stupid, shallow, materialistic, superficial, elitist cunt. Did I get this debt from college loans or medical bills? No way! I was maxing out credit cards at Armani Exchange on exorbitantly overpriced trendy clothes that will be laughably out of style in two weeks. What am I doing to erase my debt on my own? Well, I steal food and shampoo from my roommate! Aren't I adorable? I also save lots of money by being a smart shopper! Instead of buying Gucci when it's full price, I save loads of money by waiting until it's on sale for 10% off! This cute little purse only cost me 170 dollars! What a STEAL! It feels great to be such a responsible shopper! I also leave the tags on my designer clothes and purses so when I get bored of them after wearing them twice, I can TAKE THEM BACK and exchange them for NEW STUFF, because that makes me a decent human being. Then I brag about being a total cunt on my page, because you think it's adorable! And don't you just love the way I intentionally pretentiously misspelled 'Karen?' Give me money, because I'm just a silly, stupid girl, and helpless antifeminist girly girls are deemed cute by our retarded society." If the person running that site was a working married guy with two kids who wanted to save up 20K to put a downpayment on a house for his family, do you think anyone would have given him a fucking dime? I want to cram her entire body through a pencil sharpener. What makes me REALLY angry, is that idiots gave her OVER THIRTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS, besides her ebay sales, thus VALIDATING her parasitic behavior by PAYING OFF HER DEBT. She only paid a little over $2000 of her own cash. Do you think she's learned her lesson? Fuck no. she'll be back in a couple of years with a closet full of clothes that would make Jennifer Lopez's jaw drop, begging for you to bail her out again! She's not Amnesty International asking for a donation to help right the world's wrongs. She's a shameless narcissistic whore begging for you to bankroll her disgustingly superficial and self-absorbed existence. For a long time I avoided even mentioning her site here, since I wanted to avoid extending her fifteen minutes of fame and definitely wanted to sleep at night knowing that if anyone gave her a single penny, they didn't find out about her on my site, but it kept eating at me and irritating me like sitting in a pool of battery acid. I wish I could see wasps hollow out her rib cage to make a nest.
Video game logic. Why do they have harder and harder enemies as the game progresses? In the beginning of the game, I'm fighting against slow-moving dimwitted cannon fodder armed with pop guns. Then after I progress, I'm up against heavily armored guys with sniper rifles, rocket launchers, rapid fire plasma guns, flak cannons and thermo-optic invisibility camouflage. If the bad guys really intend to stop me from foiling their plans, why don't they put a few of each type of their guards in all areas of the game? Makes sense to me. Level One: Rocket Propelled Grenade to the FACE! That'll show that uppity GI who got separated from his platoon and is armed with a hunting knife and a pistol! What kind of steroid monster is the hero anyway? He's capable of carrying a hunting knife, a crowbar, a pipe wrench, 3 different pistols and 250 rounds for them, 2 different shotguns and 250 shells for them, a dachshund and 300 dog biscuits for him, 3 submachine guns that each use their own type of ammo and he can carry 300 of each kind, 25 hand grenades, 25 satchel charges, 25 C4 proximity bombs, 3 different assault rifles that each use their own type of ammo and he can carry 300 of each kind, a heavy machine gun and 400 50 cal rounds to go with it, a grenade launcher and 50 grenades, a rocket launcher and 20 rockets, 4 different sci-fi weapons that use either nuclear fuel, hamsters or depleted uranium rounds, night goggles, binoculars, a full set of scuba gear, full body armor and car keys. It also kinda doesn't seem too bright that the bad guys just leave tons of ammo, armor, weapons, first aid and other assorted powerups just laying around. The way they give high powered weapons to their enemies, you'd think they were on Ronald Reagan's Cabinet.
Movie theatres where the movie is out of focus. What the fuck is the problem? It's the SAME FUCKING FOCAL LENGTH EVERY TIME YOU PLAY THE MOVIE! You don't even have to adjust anything. JUST LEAVE THE FOCUS ALONE! It's not like the screen MOVES to a different spot every time you play it. Considering I just paid ten bucks for admission and another 73 dollars on a small popcorn and a kiddy-size coke to see something that I'll see again for free on cable in a few months, you could at least have the decency to act like you're being paid and set the focus right, you shits.
People who think that always ordering the $150 Pouilly Fuisse at restaurants automatically makes them refined and sophisticated. Money doesn't buy Class.
People who make pointless, stupid, TERRIBLE little Flash animations, not because they're even slightly funny or creative or even make any understandable sense, but because they know how to program in Flash... sorta. Examples: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9.
People who set their clocks fast so they won't be late. Anyone that's not completely brain-dead will remember that they had set it ahead, and will compensate accordingly. Are you really so stupid that you trick YOURSELVES?
"It's 9:50. I'd better set it to 10:00 so I won't be late.... OH MY GOD! IT'S 10:00!"
What happens when someone asks you for the time? "Oh uhh - it's 3:00... no wait. I have my watch set ten minutes fast. Sorry. It's 2:50."
"Why do you have your watch set fast?"
"Because I'll be late all the time unless I set it fast."
"So you're uhh..."
"Stupid. Yes, sir. I am."
"And you don't remember that you set it fast?"
"I am a simple man, sir."
George Lucas' fixation with making things CUTE and GOOFY. Ewoks = ANNOYING. Short Round = ANNOYING. Jar-Jar = ANNOYING.
Geeks who spend tons of time and loads of money on cooling fans and special cases so they can overclock their processor so it will go a LITTLE faster, when it would be cheaper to buy a new motherboard, memory, and processor that goes MANY TIMES faster and is actually stable. Dude. It's an Intel Celeron 200mhz running at 233mhz at 275 degrees farenheit..... GIVE IT A FUCKING REST! Is a 33mhz performance boost worth burning the fucking house down?
The 45 and older webcam crowd. Just don't. Please?
The fact that in New York City, the wind blows directly in your face no matter what direction you're walking. Then when you come to a corner, it blows HARDER.
People who say "kewl" without meaning it ironically.
People who think that Maxim, FHM, Cosmopolitan, etc. are viable instruction manuals for human social conduct. Nothing gets you laid faster than gross generalizations about what ALL women are looking for in men.
People who think that someone's Astrological Sign means ANYTHING other than a range of dates when the person would have been born. When people ask me what sign I am, I lie and tell them something different and they always go "Wow! That so fits your character," regardless of what sign I tell them.
People who say idiotic things like, "I'm against organized religion. I'm a Wiccan." Here's a hint... You said Wiccan and I knew precisely what you meant. My definition of religion: "Belief that things that are not real are as important or more important than the real concrete world in which we live." Don't try to bring up the pretentious argument, "What is Real? Explain to me what 'Real' means." Use some common sense. My index finger as it pokes through your cornea is REAL. Do you believe in something supernatural? Does at least one other person share the same belief? Do people who share this belief have a collective name? THEN YOU'RE IN AN ORGANIZED RELIGION, DUMBASS! Stop trying to be trendy.
Transformers Armada. What better way to revive one of the greatest memories of every guy who grew up in the 80's than with a cheaply made cartoon that makes Digimon look really hardcore. "Ahh, Optimus! You may think that you've won, but I have this cheesy little Mini Mascot! Now I'll merge and defeat you in some sort of vague, colorful, nonviolent way! GOTTA CATCH EM ALL! Err, I mean... ROBOTS IN DISGUISE!"
Microsoft Movie Maker 2. When I heard about this I was excited because it boasted all kinds of effects and advanced editing. When it came out I downloaded it and thought I'd give it a whirl. I loaded up an avi and tried to apply an effect to it. CRASH! Ok....Sooooo I restarted it and loaded a different avi and thought I'd clip it to edit it. CRASH! Basically anything you do makes it crash - and it's not your run of the mill slow-down / lock / behave-erratically / program-has-encountered-an-error type of crash. If I had hit the X in the corner, I could not have made this program disappear off my screen as quickly or efficiently. There would have at least been a "save changes" message. Nope. Just WHAM! Basically, using this program to EDIT anything will make it close, making it one hell of a great movie EDITOR. Hoo-Boy!
People who think they're ripping me by commenting on how much I'm online. "HAH! You're a NERD! You're on IRC every time I get on!" I'm on CABLE, you fucking AOLTARD! I know that to you, this sounds like some sort of fantasy world that I live in, but I actually don't get disconnected every 15 minutes the way you do. No, not even when I idle. I mean, I know that's hard to grasp, but trust me on this. And no, it's not some L33T WAR3Z anti-idle crack that you can download either. Maybe that's enough to digest at one time. I'll tell you about bandwidth some other time when you're not so shaky.
Little IRC Script kiddies who use a flooder bot to flood a channel for 30 seconds before the ops get everything under control, then the kids come back saying, "HAAAAA!! WE 0wned J00!" Yeah. Wow. I'll never get those 30 seconds back. I may as well kill myself now.
Those stupid 1-800-call-att 1-800-collect 1-800-eat-balls commercials...
Former Celebrity Bimbo: HEY! Were you about to dial Zero to make that call?
Former Celebrity Dork: Well - We're unicycling across Antarctica and we don't have ANY change!
Former Celebrity Bimbo: Holy FUCK! You don't deserve to LIVE to pass down your inferior NO-CHANGE-CARRYING gene to weaken future generations!
(Bimbo crushes Dork's windpipe with a sledgehammer that she conveniently has stashed in her exposed cleavage)
Video game packaging and TV advertisements that misleadingly show shots of the cutscenes to mask how much the actual gameplay sucks.
People online who have an "art" page and all their art is pencil drawings of Dragon Ball Z characters.
Ppl dat b misspellin thangs on purpose coz dey think dat it makes dem luk kool. Sumbdy shud tell dem dat wot dey think makes dem luk kool axshully makes dem luk st00pid 4 realz. Wen U want 2 make shur dat UR lukin reely st00pid, B shur 2 typ lyke dis, coz nuttin on earf make U luk lyke U gots da intellekt ofa box o kraff mac-ncheez mo dan typin lyke dis. On da realz, cuz. Holla atcha. Peace-out. Werd.
Software Manuals. So many software manuals are like publishers' apologies to end users. They make a huge book to bring functionality to a program that's so poorly conceived that none of its basic features are self explanatory. They skim over processes that are more advanced, and then drone on and on about things that should have been made simpler in the first place. "Make a button? No way! We'd rather make an inch-thick manual!" The other end of software manuals are for complete idiots that need ass-wiping explained to them.
Fourteen year olds who think they have a thing or two to teach me about living and the way the world is.
People who I link to who don't update their page for 8 months, who email me to ask why I removed the link to their page.
People who hold the door of the subway train and go, "Is this the D train?" despite the fact that every single one of the ten cars of the train is littered inside and out with a dozen sixteen inch bright orange signs with the capital letter D on them and there is a 12 foot long sign hanging above the track at the bottom of every stairwell that says D SERVICE TO THE BRONX.
Ghetto Debating Technique.
"What? What? What? Say it again! Say it again! Pffft! Whatever! Whatever! Now whatcha gonna do? What? Now whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do? So whatcha gonna do? Pffft! Whatever! What? Say it again! So say it again! Pffft! Whatever! Bitch?! What?! What?! Say it again! What's that, bitch?! Pfft! So whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do, bitch?! Whatcha gonna do? I'm here! I'm here! I'm here! What? So whatcha gonna do? I'm here! I'm right here! Why don't you say it to my face? Say it to my face! So say it to my face! What, bitch? Fuckin pussy! Say it to my face! Say it to my face, pussy! Pffft! Whatever!"
Stupid Conspiracy Theorists who can't see something significant happen on the news without questioning the Mason/Mossad/CIA/KGB/UFO/Nostradamus/Revelations/Skull and Bones/Nazi/Liberal Media/Conservative Media/Muslim Jihad/Lizard People from the Center of the Earth/Communist/Black Helicopters connection. Sure, I agree that there are things that are hidden from us by "The Powers That Be," but give it a fucking rest. NOT EVERYTHING is part of an overall master plot by evil secret societies. If you're so hell-bent on exposing the truth when it seems to be hidden, stop weakening your own purpose by spouting a bunch of hearsay and gibberish and speculation over everything you see on the news. You want to be taken seriously? Fine - then you can't play the Free Mason card every time you get a fucking parking ticket. Stop crying wolf. Stop crying Alien Mutant CIA wolf. It's all bullshit and you just come off sounding like some idiot wingnut. Sometimes shit just happens and it's not always "THEM."
Work-At-Home Scams. Do you want to earn up to $5000 a month with no upfront costs? Then how about if you lazy Oprah-ites go get a FUCKING JOB... a REAL one, and no, Mary Kay doesn't count. Making decent money might actually require that you get at least a marginal education, or develop some marketable skills, or heaven forbid, MISS A FEW EPISODES OF "GENERAL HOSPITAL!" Here's a hint. You spend a couple of hours a day putting thousands of business cards on payphones and bus stops just to get a couple of phone calls a day. Does that sound like an activity that a successful person would engage in? See how your little Herbalife brochure says "Not Available in Stores?" Take a hint: If it weren't SHITTY, it WOULD be in stores.
Computer animation used to advertise things like anti-wrinkle creams, mattresses, acne medication, razors, sinus medicine, etc. "Holy shit! This advertisement must be completely true because they showed a 3d computer-generated model of that contour pillow straightening my entire spine and making the glowing red areas of pain go away! What's that toll-free number again, Dave?"
"Shout outs." You're not really thanking anyone. You're just name dropping and trying to look cool. Shut up, parasite.
Fuckheads who run a red light and then angrily honk their horns at the pedestrians in the crosswalk that they're about to plow through. "HOW DARE THEY PUT THEIR SKULLS UNDER MY TIRES! I JUST WASHED THIS CAR! CAN'T THEY SEE THAT I'M EXERCISING MY GOD-GIVEN AMERICAN RIGHT TO BE AN ASSHOLE? IF THEY'RE STUPID ENOUGH TO START CROSSING JUST BECAUSE IT'S TOTALLY ILLEGAL FOR ME TO RUN THIS RED LIGHT AND DRIVE THROUGH THEM, TURNING THEM INTO A FINE MIST-LIKE SPRAY OF BLOOD AND MEATY BITS, THEN THEY DESERVE WHAT THEY GET!"
People on IRC, Forums, Live Journals and Blogs who post what music they're currently listening to. Even on the (rare) occasions that I like both the person and the music they're playing, it's never made me go, "COOL! I love that song! They're so cool and interesting for listening to that!" Wow. Smashing Pumpkins. In your last post you were listening to Blink 182, and Ani DiFranco in the post before that. Thanks for telling me, because I totally give a shit.
Anyone who is "GOIN' THERE," "FEELIN' IT," "KEEPIN' IT REAL," or "NOT TRYIN' TA HEAR THAT." "Oh no you DIDN'T!" (Pronounced DIH-ent) You're goddamn right I did. Now shut the fuck up, retard!
People who spell it "Fucken." If you're going to misspell it, MISSPELL IT PROPERLY! The CORRECT misspelling is "Fuckin."
People who think that the most interesting thing about Stephen Hawking is his robotic sounding voice synthesizer.
People who watch wars on CNN with the same glee and excitement as someone watching the Superbowl.
Kids who grew up in predominantly white, middle class suburbs who one day decide they are going to talk, dress, and use mannerisms as though they grew up in a rough neighborhood of inner city Detroit. Nice rolled up pant leg, HONKY.
DVD packaging that lists "Scene Selection" and "Interactive Menu"as features. OH MAN! YOU MEAN I CAN SELECT WHATEVER SCENE I WANT??? AWESOME!!!!
14 year old acne-covered obese girls who get mad when some boy band trained chimp like Justin Timberlake dates someone famous, because they just know that one day, he will see them screaming at him from the sidewalk outside MTV's TRL and fall in love with them for who they are inside their hearts.
People who think that the corner convenient store is a happening night spot. When I go to the one nearest me, I always have to squeeze past like four guys who are just hanging out inside the door. Sure, there's no cover charge - but there's a REASON.
Guys who overcustomize their $10K four cylinder cars as though they are race cars. Hint: Honda Civic = ECONOMY CAR... NOT RACECAR. Why not just wear a T-shirt that says, "I HAVE A TINY PENIS AND AM UNINTERESTING SEXUALLY," and get it over with. They always try to retort with "Well what do YOU drive, pussy?" This challenge basically reveals two things... 1.) They think that the CAR and not the OWNER is being made fun of. A car is just an object. Someone insecure enough to think that the purchase and display of an OBJECT is enough to make up for lacking attractive personality traits is SAD, SAD, SAD. Not to mention that the object in question is essentially a car which anyone with a halfway decent job could afford, which is then dressed up like an Easter Egg for display as some sort of pathetic status symbol. "WITNESS THE GRANDIOSE MAJESTY OF MY MEDIOCRITY!" Then they install an ANTI-MUFFLER with a 6 inch diameter tailpipe to try to make their puny four cylinder sound like it has some balls. 2.) They use a sexually oriented stab, "pussy" (exchange "fag," "faggot," "fucking queer," "sissy," etc. where applicable) because the car IS in fact purely compensatory of their sexual insecurity. And since they truly feel that way, they've programmed themselves to think that someone with either a sensible car, or no car at all, is sexually lacking. Moto-Mojo.
People who read the thing I wrote above about customized Hondas, and felt superior because they own an American car that comes stock with more horsepower. You totally missed the point. The fact that your car was fast when you bought it STILL doesn't make up for the fact that you have a small penis. When I see rednecks with Ford Mustangs or Chevy Camaros with the stupid Nascar number stickers in the windows, I think, "Ahh... 3.... inches."
"Girls Gone Wild" videos. In this world of high quality porn, where is the market for video cam shots of drunk skanky girls showing their tits? And why do they have to be advertised in loud obnoxious commercials on every commercial break on every channel? Is there some LAW that says that girls showing their breasts must stick out their tongues? "WOW! LOOK! It's a girl who owns breasts making a stupid face! Oh god! I'm gonna cum!"
Rappers who continually flaunt their jewelry, cars, cell phones, and women, implying somehow that their wealth is due to being some sort of criminal underworld power figure. Of course you have money! Of course you get laid! You're a multiplatinum MUSICIAN, numbnuts. If you put a potato on-stage in front of 10,000 people, SOMEONE would want to fuck it. Last time I checked, the job title "Musician" didn't make you a tough guy, though I feel myself straining calling someone a musician when their real job title should be "Inarticulate guy with an undeserved large ego who has friends in the music industry and puts on a mean face anytime someone puts a camera in front of him." Big Pun died of a heart attack? GO FIGURE! He was 675 pounds and STILL tried to brag about his sexual prowess. Ahh - money, jewelry, cars, guns, and sluts... what an endless source for creative, inspired music writing. (Insert 6 minutes of repeating unchanging sampled beatloop here).
Americans who strain too hard to pronounce foreign names correctly. I get really tired of newscasters calling Pakistan "Pok-ee-STAHHN," or Afghanistan "Off-gohhn-ee-STAHHN," or Yasser Arafat "Yah-SEER Ahh-Rahh-Fahht." It seems so silly and forced. Just speak like an American. Are you trying to impress somebody? If people from Colombia can call us "Estados Unidos," we shouldn't have to call them "COHH-LOHHM-BEE-AHHH." People who get that hung up on foreign pronunciation don't seem cultured and politically correct the way they think they do. They seem more like they're apologizing for being American.
Cashiers who hoard certain denominations of money. For example, you'll give the cashier a 20 for something that costs 5 bucks, and you can see that they have tens in the drawer, but they hand you three five dollar bills. What the fuck? Are they saving for a rainy day? Will it really save them loads of time when they're counting out their drawer by counting tens instead of fives? What happens when you run out of fives? Don't tell me - I already know. You'll give them ONES.
Penny Arcade. This is basically a comic strip about two roommates who do nothing but play video games. Geeks everywhere rejoice at a comic geared specifically to them, except for one significant flaw: This comic is absolutely devoid of comedy. It's completely UN-FUNNY. It's like that old unfunny cartoon "Doctor Katz" on tranquilizers. The side of a box of Shredded Wheat gets more deep belly laughs. You'll flip through thirty of them and finally get to one that makes you sort of make a wry smile because you vaguely remember the mid-80's video game that the referential joke refers to, but I've sifted through over a hundred of them and never hit Audible Laughterland once. I kept waiting to see the one that everyone else apparently saw and thought was hilarious. It never came. It's not even that I don't get the jokes. I get like 99.9% of them. The humor isn't complex, and it's definitely not highbrow. It's just that they always hit about 2.4 on the 10-scale comedy meter. You keep hitting the "Previous Comic" button over and over, hoping that they will get better. FOOL! They never get better... EVER. Ha-HAH! Another "X-Box is Big" joke! Ha-HAH! Another "Duke Nukem Forever" joke! Ha-HAH! Another "Game Cube has a Weird Controller" joke! Ha-HAH!! Another "Everquest will Kill Your Social Life" joke! What's even worse is, that like many other amazingly unfunny comics, it suffers from long-winded disease. Look. Comic word bubbles should not have a PARAGRAPH or MULTIPLE PARAGRAPHS in them. They make you read a single strip for 5 minutes, and it could have been made easily as unfunny with no words at all, except they torture you more by making you wait 5 minutes to get to the amazingly bland outcome. I suppose this is really funny to guys who live like the characters in the comic and play video games all day every day and never go outside, but not to me since I have real world conversations on a half-hourly basis are far more hilarious than this comic. The only thing that actually makes me laugh is the fact that the characters have girlfriends.
Microsoft Paint. HOORAY for this revolutionary image editor! Look out, Photoshop! There's a new player on the block and uhh... hey wait! It's not anything new at all! It's fucking OLD and TIRED! It does exactly the same shit that it has since Windows 3.1. It looks the same. It behaves the same. It saves files in the unusably large BMP file format. It does NOT ONE THING MORE than it did 10 fucking years ago. I don't care if it's 300k or 3 bits. It's SPACE WASTED. It's mere presence on my computer is like a red flag to display Microsoft's NON-INNOVATION. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT?
People who wear walkman headphones around the back of their heads with models that are designed to go over the top of their heads. OOOO! YOU LOOK SO COOL!
People who lick their fingers to turn pages or count money. I was in a deli today and the cashier kept licking her fingers after every few bills to count the money. She couldn't go more than 5 or 6 seconds without her finger rising up to her mouth. YOU SERVE FOOD, YOU FUCK! Let's not even mention that you've probably unknowingly ingested several hundred pounds of other people's fecal matter during the course of your career.
"Cartman" impersonators.
Electric Car Crusaders (Like THIS guy). Oooooohh! Look! You're saving the planet by driving a car with a top speed of 45 miles per hour that burns no fossil fuel! Ahhh - but after you've driven it 75 miles, how do you recharge it? Oh yeahhhh... You plug it into an ELECTRICAL OUTLET FOR SEVERAL HOURS, unlike a regular car where you stop at a gas station, swipe your credit card, and head down the road! And we all know that power plants use no fossil fuel or anything! They get their electricity from MAGIC!
Those commercials where they show people who do not live in mansions giving each other fucking Mercedes and Jaguars and Lexuses (Lexii?) with bows on them for Christmas presents. What kind of far-out bullshit fairytale world do you fuckheads live in? So much for "it's the thought that counts." Now I need to spend SIXTY GRAND on a fucking CAR to warrant a thank-you note. Thanks for transforming the 300 dollar leather jacket that I was going to give into a "kinda-ok-I-guess" present, you unrealistic hyper-materialistic bastards!
Those commercials for Uncle Ben's microwave bowls. Who the fuck gets all worked up over a TV dinner? "Oh my god! RICE makes me so horny! MY CLIT IS THROBBING AND TINGLING FOR YOU, RICE!"
Anyone who has ever taped an episode of "The Man Show."
Macs and Mac users. Can't make it better? Put it in a fruity looking case! Why spend millions on research and development on new OS's or hardware that's truly better than your competition when you can spend much less and make it really different on the OUTSIDE and make smarmy "Switch" ads for TV? Welcome to the future! Same shit, new choice of colors. Enjoy your one button mouse and fifteen inch monitor! Upgrade? Don't be silly. Everything is already built in! That way, when you feel like you need a more powerful machine, you don't have the stress of swapping the processor and motherboard for a couple hundred bucks like on a PC. Instead, you spend a couple thousand more and simply throw away your old Mac like an old Dreamcast. Wow! Mac sure is EASIER (toss)! Your neighbors will think you're throwing away an artsy lamp from the 1960's. Not that you're really going to need to upgrade soon, since most Mac users I talk to say things like, "I don't understand PC users. How many word processors do you need?" That's the thing. Mac users think of a computer as a letter-writing machine, or at the most, a box that can run Photoshop and go on AOL and design their Geocities webpage. They've accepted the fact that less than 50% of the good PC games and applications make their way onto a Mac port before they're already old news on the PC. Looking over the game rack in the Mac section of Comp USA is like a Golden Oldies collection. "Hey, I remember Sim City! Back in high school I used to stay up late playing it and would be late for school the next day! Wow. That takes me back." Good games NEVER come out for the Mac first. This could actually contribute to Mac users' attitude that the inability to upgrade their video card, etc. is a non-issue. "Why would i want to do that? My video card is perfectly fine. I don't see why I'd need better graphics than I have right now for years to come." Granted, the Mac user that said this was in the midst of playing "American McGee's Alice" in 2004, which was released for the PC in 2000, and they described it as the most beautiful game they had ever seen. Mac users always complain about how PC's are "too complicated" or that they "don't work properly." Is it really a marketing point that your computer is easier to use for people who are too stupid to use a PC? "Oh my GOD! It just, like, bleepy-bleepy-bleepy der-stroyed the paper I was, like, working on! And, like, it ummmm.. like, sounded, like, so good too, because I'm ummm... like, a master of, like, verbal ummmmm... skills. And like, My Dad's computer-machine-box-thingy just like... DEVOURED it. It's like uhhh ..................................................................... a bummer (Whew - for a second, I couldn't think of the right word). I mean, like... It couldn't possibly have been like, ummm because I deleted it, or like... ummmm.. I didn't save it after I made changes, or something, because uhhhhhhhhhh I'm.... umm... like smart. I'm Ellen Feiss, and I'm on Ketamine." Gee! It couldn't possibly be because the user is completely inept or that having far more configuration options would be inherently more problematic than shipping a whole computer from the factory with a "Warranty Void If This Seal Is Broken" sticker on it. Think of it as a Toyota Camry vs. a Racecar. The Camry is an all-in-one deal that is steady and reliable. A racecar is much more problematic, but much more configurable for better performance. "Windows PC's CRASH! HAHAHA!" They say it as though Macs NEVER crash or have errors. "Awwwww - it had a little boo-boo! That sucks, but I just can't stay mad at my Mac because he has that sweet little smiley face and a cute widdle turquoise case. Awwwww. Baby's so cute when he spits up!" Another amusing factor is that Mac thinks it's a selling point that their computers can EVEN run some Windows programs like Word and Excel. Mac users have also bragged to me that they can easily burn a cd in either Mac or PC format, as though it's some magical special ability, and not a NEEDED adjustment so Mac users can even joke about being compatible with the OTHER 99% of computers out there. You're PROUD because your product can (and needs to) EMULATE your competitor? "Switch to us, because we're the same!" If the greatest thing you can boast is that you can run your competition's software, isn't that the complete essence of defeat? What a great battle cry! "ME TOO!!!" It's a lot easier and requires a lot less courage and legitimate innovation than, "I'm Better." How many Mac programs are commonly used on PC's? The only one I can think of is Quicktime, and no, I don't think it's time to switch to Mac so it can run native. They want to play both sides of the coin. "We're the same! We're different!" "Think BETTER?" Nope. Just "Think Different." You should have something better to say than, "We're not like our hugely successful competitor. We're some OTHER company and our computers are DIFFERENT. And on the occasion that similarity would strengthen our marketing, we'll opt to say that we're THE SAME. Not better. Not more innovative. We're the OTHER company. Buy OUR'S because it's not THEIR'S." Mac users always joke about Microsoft's monopoly. Look in the mirror sometime. With Mac, not only do you have only one source for an OS, but you have only one source for HARDWARE. That makes Mac a far more monopolistic company than Bill Gates could ever dream of. If Bill Gates said that the only place you could buy a PC or an upgrade for one was from Microsoft, the federal government would eat him alive. That kind of monopoly has been Mac's business method since day one. With PC's you can buy from Dell, Gateway, Acer, Micron, Hewlett Packard, Compaq, Packard Bell, and a plethora of other companies, not to mention that accessories and add-ons can be bought from an even wider array of companies. If you want a Mac, you buy it from Apple, period. Apple allows no competition and no integration, and as a result, they don't ever have to improve. Their users will use Mac even when Macs are shown time and time again to be less useful than PCs. Mac users act like some sort of weird cult of scientologists. They'll defend using a Mac with the same zeal and fervor as some whacked-out doomsday cult member with nothing to back it up besides rhetoric. "SHUT UP! MAC IS BETTER!!!" "In what ways?" "Ummmmm.... I don't know... uhhh... I just LIKE it. Yessss, my Precioussssss. SHUT UP! YOU'RE STUPID! You're BILL GATES' PUPPET! (As though Mac owners are somehow not Steve Jobs' puppets) THIS LITTLE PURPLE BOX OF CIRCUITS CONTAINS THE ANSWERS TO LIFE'S MYSTERIES AND I HOLD THE KEY!!!" "That's a mouse... A transparent mouse, but a mouse nonetheless." "INFIDEL!" Just give it up, guys. Stop trying to throw benchmarks at me like I'm going to trade in my PC and it's hundreds of times more applications, games, and hardware options merely for more processor speed (if it's even applicable). The age of the Mac decisively ended with Win95. VHS was supposedly not as high quality as Betamax. Beta owners didn't try to hang on. They switched. Throw in the towel. As a side note... On my web counter, the Mac OS Slice on the pie chart got so small it disappeared, being overrun by Linux, Windows 2000 and Windows NT4.
Cardboard Milk Cartons. The instructions say, "To open, push here." What they should say is, "To open, push here. Stop pushing because you're smashing the top of the carton. Use your fingernail to try to pick the nozzle open. Tear the paper a bit and then try to resume opening the nozzle by pushing the sides in. Wait. Now you're just making it worse. Turn the carton around and attempt to open the other side. Shred the paper on the other side like you did on the first side. Squeeze the carton in anger after failing to open the other side. Wait! Stop, stupid! You're going to make it pop all over the ceiling and then you'll really be mad. Calm down. Count to ten. Light an aromatherapy candle. Think of an intelligent solution. Briefly consider eating the cereal dry. No. That's not really an option. Give up on decorum and claw your fingernails like an animal as hard as you can into the part you picked before. Tear carton open. Wipe milky fingers on pants. Smell the milk carefully since paper cartons make you leery about freshness. Pour milk from the shredded, tattered nozzle. Wipe the side of the carton and your table after the jagged, frayed edge makes the milk dribble. Do not set carton on wooden table since it's wet and will make a mark. Use remainder of milk within 6 hours regardless of refrigeration or printed expiration date, since the carton can't make a seal and the milk is constantly exposed to the open air. Buy milk in a jug next time."
"Holla, Playa, Betta, Balla, Sucka, Mothafucka, Hata, etc." Look. Stop SPELLING your fucking SPEECH IMPEDIMENT. It's not cute. Learn to say the letter R. If you're an adult, with no hearing disorders and no HARE LIP, you CAN say the fucking letter R. There are only 26 fucking letters in the English alphabet. That's few enough that you don't have the liberty to BYPASS some of them. This isn't the Kanji. It's not rocket science, or even WHEELBARROW science. If you can't speak properly, then at least stop fucking SPELLING OUT YOUR MISTAKES, because that makes me feel like you're talking like a moron on purpose and that PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF.
Online Psychologists
These guys are a dime a dozen and are the utmost pinnacle of overt pretentiousness online. "Your page is so negative! You seem to have some inferiority issues. Did your parents not give you enough praise growing up? Were you abused? Who hurt you? I can tell that you have a lot of hurt inside you." Let's put this into perspective. You read a satirical Anti-Canada page and you were perturbed enough by it to seek me out on IRC to tell me you didn't approve of it and to apply what you learned in Doctor Phil's crappy book to it, and you think it's me who has problems?
People who see you eating a candy bar and say, "Whoah! That has about a whole day's value of saturated fat and it's all empty calories and refined sugar!" Really? See, because I had no idea that chocolate was fattening when I bought it. Thanks for letting me enjoy it, Slim Goodbody. Thanks for putting pictures of your internal organs all over your leotard, so I'll have accurate aim when I reach in to tear them out. Nice honky afro, fuckface!
Movies that come out on DVD and then two months later are RE-released on DVD with improved sound, improved video, an hour of extra footage, two hours of added features, director's commentary, actors' commentaries, a hardcover book detailing everything about the making of the movie and original artists' concept sketches drawn in the book with pencil, the original negatives of the film, one Furby, a contract for you to be the lead character in the sequel, special edition steel case with laser beams, fog machine and robotic spider claw legs that will climb up your entertainment center and insert the DVD into the machine for you, and a coupon to have the entire cast give you a massage. They KNEW they were going to release the special edition when they released the crappy "movie only" version two months ago, but they didn't bother to tell you, because they KNEW you were going to end up buying them both. You just spent EIGHTY BUCKS to buy the same movie TWICE, just because of the old "BAIT AND SWITCH" routine. Am I the only person who would support a LAW against this type of consumer fleecing?
Cell phones that cost 100 bucks more because they have COLOR DISPLAYS. Wow. Just what I need to make phone calls: an animation of an aquarium. Look. As of January 2003, there is still no real video conferencing on cell phones. The closest thing you have is the ability to upload still photographs to each other IF the phone you're using, AND the other person's phone are capable, and even that costs extra on your bill. I'll buy a phone with color when it either costs the same or is needed for video phone calls. Until then, I'll laugh at people who toss cash in the fire for superfluous crap.
People at restaurants who ask the other people at their table "Should we leave a tip?" when the service was fine. First of all, it's customary to leave a tip if the service wasn't horrible. 15 to 20 percent is considered standard. Restaurants pay SHIT money to waitresses with the idea that their tips will make up the difference. If the service was bad enough to stiff on the tip, it should have been bad enough to complain to the manager. Secondly, part of leaving a tip is, of course, not looking like a cheap asshole to your fellow diners. The fact that you even ASKED if you should or should not leave a tip has already embarrassed you and made you look like a jerk, whether you're too dense to realize it or not, you stingy shit. Another pointer on tipping. If you're at a bar and you give the bartender a good tip, it does NOT mean that you OWN him. If he pours you better drinks or comps you, that's his business, but don't expect it, and DON'T demand it. Do not ask him to hook you up. Do not ask him to pour stronger drinks because, "Hey - you know - I gave you a good tip," or preemptively, "Hey, you want a good tip? Take care of me." We're in the twenty first century. We live in the richest nation in the world. Don't be a cheap asshole. Liquor costs money, but spit is free. You get what you pay for.
Retards online who send me a picture of a porn star's body (labia spread wide) with the head of Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Sandra Bullock, etc. etc. etc. superimposed on it. Actually, now that I think about it... Other things that need to be destroyed: Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Sandra Bullock, etc. etc. etc.
The way cell phones, Walkmen and PDA's are marketed as fashion accessories.
People on Bicycles. Bicyclists in cities serve two purposes: 1.) Mowing down pedestrians, and 2.) Being speed bumps for cars. If you're on foot, these guys think you're made of nerf and make no attempt to not plow you down. They whiz down crowded sidewalks and through crosswalks filled with people as though nobody like ME is going to clothesline them. NAIVE FOOLS! If you're in a car, these bastards will slow you down for blocks. They whip in and out of lanes thinking they're Kevin Bacon from "Quicksilver," with an invisible forcefield, and cause you to have to smash your brake pedal over and over to prevent you from turning them into road minestrone. "Hi! I'm saving the planet, because a bike is a legitimate vehicle for urban commuting. Aren't my pants adorable?" A bike is a TOY. The only other things traveling at 15 miles per hour in the middle of traffic are squirrels and possums, and other assorted future roadkill. ROCK. SCISSORS. PAPER. BICYCLE. FORD EXPLORER. Bicyclist plus Jeep going 50mph equals Bolognese sauce.
Regis Philbin's feigned heterosexuality.
Pathological Liars. Do you think you're impressing people with your long string of bullshit stories and fabricated accomplishments? Does the urge to impress people outweigh how much everyone is going to despise you once they figure out that you're completely full of shit? It's an eventuality that you get called on it, so why not save the effort and your reputation? The people around you don't need for you to be a Princeton grad with a house in the Hamptons to like you, and if they do, then they're shitty people and your personality doesn't have anything else to offer. You don't have to be the DJ's brother. If you say you drive a Porsche, eventually you're going to have to go "pick it up from the garage." We like a "nobody" a lot better than a nobody who lies to our faces about being some amazing, illustrious person and then gets caught. I'm no huge fan of boring people, but I fucking HATE liars.
Ozzy Osbourne and his disgusting family. Can people seriously not see what kind of joke is being played on them? MTV is saying, "Look! We can feed our viewers complete dogshit and they'll love it! Let's get some has-been rocker who's career peaked twenty years ago and his family of inbred rejects and make them into huge stars! It doesn't matter how retarded they are. The worse, the better! We'll put his freakish doughey children on display and make them into celebrities!" Fuck you people who still bring up Black Sabbath as a justification for Ozzy having the right to be as lame as he wants until he dies. That was a fucking long time ago, and the fact that you can buy ACTION FIGURES OF HIS CHILDREN instantly cancels out ANY coolness Ozzy ever had. Now he's just some sold out slurring old man with stupid kids.
People who use a cane who don't need one, wear glasses with plain glass in them, or walk with a fake limp when there's nothing wrong with their legs. Darwinism has gone all fucking wrong in the human race if you think you look COOLER by PRETENDING to have physical ailments. Here. Let me hit you a few times in the knees with a bat so you don't need to feign your limp anymore, you pretentious, fake asshole.
People who put a 2000 dollar stereo in a 900 dollar car.
Grateful Dead Heads. It's OVER. You should realize how over it is by the fact that 90% of people who own Grateful Dead T-shirts and plaster their Volkswagen Jettas with Grateful Dead stickers are FRAT BOYS. Jerry Garcia has been reduced to a flavor of ICE CREAM and a brand name of NECKTIES! Fucking NECK- TIES! NECKTIES ARE THE CORNERSTONE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS STUFFY AND SQUARE IN FASHION. You'll be the most farout guy in the CUBICLE OFFICE. CLUE! GET! IT'S OVER! NO MORE REVOLUTION HAPPENING HERE! Get a fucking life and some decent clothes!
People who censor curse words in text by replacing letters with asterisks. What's the fucking point? Anyone who's likely to be offended can easily tell what it says anyway, so how is it less offensive? Any ten-year-old knows what "F*ck you, godd*mn motherf*cking *sshole d*ckhead c*nt" means. So who are you defending?
The "Campy" Fad.
It was funny back when I would watch Evil Dead 2. When Joe Normal thinks it's funny, it's NOT FUNNY ANYMORE. "Hey look! It's Mister T! Get it? Mister T! HAHAHAHA! See - it's funny because he's some washed up joke of a celebrity from the 80's and he sucks! HAHAHAHA" Yes. I know that Carrot Top sucks. That doesn't make him "hip" and "out of left field." Gary Coleman, Morgan Fairchild, Pauly Shore, and Erik Estrada ALL SUCK. It's NOT FUNNY ANYMORE. Let me explain a very basic principle. For something "Campy" to be cool, the Normals can't "get it." As soon as they get it, it's not campy anymore, and hence, NOT FUNNY OR IRONIC. I don't care if you get John Waters to direct Bruce Campbell, Richard Roundtree, and Tony Bennett. You're NEVER going to make Sprint Long Distance hip, punchy and off-the-cuff. If Jerry Falwell suddenly thought The Simpsons was a great show, it would somehow cease to be one. I'm not just saying this to be snobby. I'm just saying that a bunch of Advertising Research guys are not going to bounce something off a focus group and come up with something campy. They're following a formula and it doesn't taste like "The Original Recipe" to me. GET IT? It's A KFC reference and it's funny because it's chicken! Get it? Chicken! Assholes. Fuck off and just make your bullshit "Friends" sitcoms and wear your fucking Gap Khakis.
Human Sexuality Bullshit
These are people who have had sex in the past who have made a religious commitment to not have sex again until marriage. So you're a virgin again because you said so? Maybe Jesus thinks your vaginal walls are tight and chaste and constricted, but anyone can tell you've had a car in the garage from the oil on the floor, and no amount of Holy Kitty Litter is going to soak it all up.
Pretentious PETA-types that call a pet a "Companion Animal." Look. I'm not a companion to a freeloader. If I bought every bite of food that you ever ate in your lifetime, paid to house you, paid for all your medical bills and cleaned up your shit, even YOU would be my fucking PET. SIT! STAY! I BUY YOUR FOOD! A cat is a PET! A dog is a PET! A hot girl with a high sex drive is a COMPANION ANIMAL!
"Gawd, like.. Hel-LO! I mean, like, how could he think that? Like.. Hel-LO!" Here - take this 12 gauge and blow your brains out. Good-BYE! Like.. Good-BYE!
Newbies who think that the only reason that people exist on the internet is to give them constant tech support. Sure. Everyone was new at one time, but these guys are too fucking lazy to tinker with something for five minutes, read a help file, read a FAQ, or hit an internet search engine. On IRC I constantly get hit by these guys. "Hi - can I ask you a question? Where can I get mp3's?" (Five minutes later) "Hey - what program do I use to open mp3's?" (Five minutes later) "I couldn't get that file to open. The extension was .zip and I changed it to .exe but it still won't open." "What's the time zone in Vancouver?" "I'm in Virginia, so if it's 8pm here, what is it there?" "What's the zip code for Columbus Ohio?" "Why do people keep making fun of me for being on AOL?" "Really? What service should I get?" "What's their webpage?" "Oh, so you think I should just stay on AOL? Uhh.. OK... Thanks for your help."
"Pretty Boys" who spend 4 hours preening themselves to go to a nightclub, then stand right in the middle of the crowded dance floor like they're made of wood. "Mustn't sweat! Might Ruin 300 Dollar Shirt! Grunt!" Then when someone is dancing and bumps them they scowl and yell, "EXCUSE ME!!!!"
People who put their webpage on 72 different webrings that don't really have anything to do with their content. When I put my Anti-Canada page on the "Canada Sucks" webring, I had no idea that I was also inadvertently associating myself with "The KITTIES Webring" or "The Franken-food Webring." I went to one of the sites and all it seems to be is "Welcome to my page" and then a shitload of webrings. WHY?? What's the fucking point? If you have NO CONTENT, how are you CONTRIBUTING to the webring?
People who apply imagined spiritual significance to naturally occurring events. Your period is not "Gaia the Earth Goddess cleansing your Spirit Mana Energy Wheel." Your body is purging a bloody sludge of waste placental lining. Hey, the truth isn't always worthy of putting on a Hallmark Greeting Card.
Those stupid slide shows that they show in theatres before the movie starts. If you're waiting to see the movie for ten minutes, you'll see the same slides THREE or FOUR TIMES. They always have the same shit. A.) One for real estate which features a picture of an apartment complex and an inset of a woman with horrendous poofy blonde hair happily answering phone calls in front of a computer, B.) The "Don't liter / smoke / use cell phones / masturbate" notice that everyone has seen at every movie they've ever seen. This is to confirm that this is NOT the one theatre in the universe who is happy to let you bound around the seats banging on things and screaming like howler monkeys. Basically, if you're a person who NEEDS TO BE TOLD, you're probably going to do it anyway. C.) Incredibly difficult movie trivia with questions like: "Unscramble the letters to this feel-good 80's sci-fi hit about an alien that's stuck on earth! TE" HAVE A COKE! (Image of sweating coke cup with coke sloshing out) "What movie did this quote come from? "Help me, Obi-Wan! You're my only hope!" COKE IS REFRESHING! (Image of sweating coke cup with coke sloshing out) "Who starred in The Terminator? a. Shelley Duvall, b. Marlon Wayans, or c. Arnold Scharzeneggar" WOW! I SURE WOULD LOVE A NICE COLD COKE! (Image of sweating coke cup with coke sloshing out) "Name this Jim Carrey movie!" (Image of Jim Carrey wearing a big neon green mask from The Mask) At this point there's another coke ad, but I'm not going to bother to say the slogan since the slides have already rotated back to the first coke ad.
The "Leading Brand." Why is it that commercials always compare their product to some fictitious "Leading Brand" that sucks beyond belief? "Our ketchup doesn't run through this coffee filter the way The Leading Brand does!" (pours a quart of tomato soup through the coffee filter) "Our floor cleaner cuts through dirt and grime much better than The Leading Brand!" (time lapse scene of the advertised brand cleaning a strip of linoleum floor to a whiteness and shine to rival Miss America's teeth while The Leading Brand, which looks suspiciously like a bottle of Pine-Sol craftily disguised by a white label that says "The Leading Brand," cleans the flooring as well as washing it with MORE DIRT would) And the last time I checked, baby urine and menstrual blood looked nothing like blue water. Ummm... Yes. I check those things. So if "The Leading Brand" is so obviously a grossly inferior product, then why is it LEADING the industry? Oh shit. AOL just completely ruined my whole point. Nevermind.
Theatrical Guitar Players. Be sure to make that pain/orgasm wince so we know how much you FEEL those high notes.
Wynonna Ryder shoplifted saying she was "doing research for a role." Big deal, right? She stole 5000 dollars worth of clothes from Saks Fifth Avenue. Awww Poor Baby! Why are they persecuting her for only pinching such an insignificant amount as.... HEY, WAIT A SECOND! FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS? HANG THAT BITCH! "Free Wynonna?" No, FUCK Wynonna. Why should some overprivelidged bitch, who could have easily paid for those clothes, get away with bullshit that would put an average person behind bars without question? Because she has fans? Who cares! It's not like she's poor, and it's truly not like she (or anyone else) NEEDS high-fashion couture shit from Saks Fifth avenue. Ffffff! Fuck - she should go to prison for life just for making Mister Deeds.
Soap Opera News Magazines. This fucks me up in so many ways I think I need to go lie down for a bit. "Oh damn. I missed an episode of a show with a completely stupid and predictable plot that drags on for weeks, and (GASP) I forgot to TAPE it. I better go out and spend money on a magazine that tells me what happened, because THAT'S IMPORTANT! I might even get an inside scoop on some moronic, predictable dogshit that's coming up!"
Fat nerds who grow Goatees and think they look hip.
The 7849 bands out there that sound exactly like Alice In Chains. Yeah, yeah. List Led Zeppelin among your influences. Very original. We know what you're all about.
People who have a section of their page dedicated to all the awards they've won. "Best Mister Spock Page." "Top 20 Pogs Site." "Best Nintendo Virtual Boy Page of the Week." "Duke Nukem 3D Fan Fiction Site of the Day." Oh! The Prestige!
Story Jokes. You know the ones. "...So then the salesman goes to the fourth house and a lady answers the door and says, 'I'll buy your stuff but only if you eat my pussy.' The salesman says, 'Wow! You're the fourth one today.' So he eats her pussy and sells his stuff. Then he goes to the fifth house and a lady answers the door and says 'I'll buy your stuff but only if you eat my pussy.' and he's like, 'Wow! You're the fifth one today.' So he eats her pussy and sells his stuff. Then he goes to the SIXTH house and a lady answers the door and says..." BULLSHIT. They all have WAAAAYY too much exposition and some completely retarded premise that requires a 'suspension of disbelief' that would make Alice in Wonderland seem very down-to-earth and reasonable. They're also always 'Hee-yuck Hee-yuck' simpleton humor. And the worst part is, the payoff is NEVER worth the wait. Every time I hear one of these idiotic jokes, I feel like saying, "I stood here listening to you for the last five minutes for THAT??" These stupid things keep turning up in my email too, always forwarded to 100 people. How do you think spammers compile lists of email addresses?
People who actually bother to use coins to pay for things. "Three dollars and sixty seven cents? Hmm... Don't wanna break this five. Here's two ones, a dime.... hang on... here's a quarter.... and a penny... and uhh.... here's five more pennies.... and another dime... OHH! I found another dime and three nickels. Can I have that quarter back?" Coins are only good for one thing: saving in a jar until you have a couple hundred bucks worth to put through one of those Coinstar machines so you can get it changed into REAL MONEY. After waiting behind you while you pick through your coins, I feel like shoving YOU through a Coinstar machine to see how much you're worth. The pelvis is always the hardest part to cram through that little slot, but where there's a will, there's a way... and believe me, there's a will.
The Import Section of Most Chain Music Stores. Wow! This foreign music is so exotic! Madonna, Jay Z, Eric Clapton... Such a diverse range of cultures! This Pearl Jam album, "Ten," looks a lot like the American version. The cover art's the same. The track listing... I wonder what's different. OHHH!! This one costs 35 bucks! This Janet Jackson (I THINK that's how you pronounce it) must be some sort of Kabuki Theatre music. Look at the Japanese text on the insert.
People who put things like "This page best viewed with Internet Explorer at 1280x1024 or higher in 32bit color" on their webpages. Do you think that someone running Netscape at 640x480 8bit color is going to change it just for you? Do you think they even know how?
Nothing says "classy" like an airbrushed t-shirt or license plate. Klassy with a Kapital K.
"Baby on Board" signs. Do you really want me to AIM for you? The fact that you have a brat in the car might make YOU want to drive more safely, but should the fact that you have working reproductive organs alter the way I drive? "Duhhh gee - I felt like causing a wreck, but now I changed my mind because that car has a little yellow sign in the window." Sound stupid? Well that's what the message of your preachy little sign is, so look how retarded you are for having it.
Guys on IRC, AIM or Yahoo who have "Angel" in their nickname. Why not have "Jenny," or "Barbie," or "Little-Miss-Priss-O-Licious?" You may as well.
The Dumb Things People Say To Me Online Regarding My IRC Nick. I've heard them all about a million times, and you are NOT as clever or witty as you would like to think, so just fucking save the goddamn keystrokes, you bromidic meat-tards.
The overt unapologetic racism in rap music. When a white rapper like Eminem or Vanilla Ice gains acceptance, the immediate response is, "Wow! He can rap even though he's white," as though it's a well known FACT that only blacks possess the skill and imagination required to make words rhyme with each other to sufficiently express and exaggerate the rapper's penis size, bank account, and fear that he instills in his enemies. Rappers of ethnicities other than black have these abilities just as naturally as black rappers do. The only ability they don't possess naturally is the ability to be accepted by the majority of rap fans regardless of the amount of melanin in their skin. In response to your reaction to me using Vanilla Ice to illustrate my point: You didn't always think he was corny. "Ice Ice Baby" broke records for sales of rap music worldwide. Now you snicker about how corny he was. And he WAS corny. But you're just scapegoating someone for exhibiting all the same traits that rappers celebrate, regardless of ethnicity: Ego, Bragging, Sampling, Melodrama, and Outlandish Fashion. If Vanilla Ice is cheesy, it's not the fault of his skin color. It's the fault of All Rap Music for being just as fucking cheesy for the exact same reasons. He was following an existing model. Give it time. Right now Eminem is regarded as "the white rapper who can actually rap and not suck." Down the road he'll become Vanilla Ice the Sequel.
People online who spam me in Turkish or Indian or some other language for which I don't even have the font support. Let's get this straight... you came into an American IRC Channel and spammed us using a language that .00001% of our population speaks? What's the point? You think we're all going to run out and take language classes, download all the fonts and language support we need so we can read your ad for "HOTTTTT SEXXXXXY TEEEENZZZ??"
Those freaks in NYC electronics stores who can actually tell you with a straight face that a Sony CD walkman retails for $299.00 and if you want to get the crappy little treble-only earbud headphones (That ARE NORMALLY INCLUDED in the retail package, but are REMOVED by these hustlers) it's another $45.00. "Friend! Come back, Friend! I give good price!"
People who feed pigeons. Pigeons are VERMIN. Vermin plus Food equals MORE VERMIN!
Movie reviewers who describe every decent Foreign or Independent movie as "Delicious." You know what's delicious? FOOD, you pretentious asshole. If you're going to try and sound artsy by using the word "delicious," go review some restaurants, but don't call the food "Spellbinding" or "Captivating" or I'll kill you.
The GI Joe Cartoon. Here you have an elite military force with the world's most advanced weaponry, and they NEVER fucking USE IT! If I were being shot at by 20 Cobra soldiers, and I had a rapid fire rifle in my hands that could blow 12 inch holes in a 2 inch thick solid steel manhole cover, you can bet that I'm not going to fucking PUNCH anyone.
People who use Upbringing as an excuse for stupidity. Every time I hear someone say "Well... It's how he was brought up," it's Invariably used to justify some behavior that is blatantly idiotic and inappropriate. Stop giving these degenerates the "Get Out of Jail Free" card. By the time someone is an adult, it's time for them to take responsibility for their own bad behavior. I've heard this flimsy excuse used to justify everything from poor table manners to racism to domestic violence. Beat your girlfriend? You're not a victim. You're an ASSHOLE. Claim that at age 25 you don't know any better? You've been upgraded to "STUPID Asshole." Got an uncontrollable temper? I'm tired of hearing about your "Bad Daddy." You're just too stupid to seek counseling and I'm not here to provide it for free. Your parents may have left some gaps in your social skills, but that's not a license to do whatever the fuck you want. Your parents are DONE raising you. Wipe your own ass for a change. That's what being an adult is about; making decisions and taking responsibility for them. It's a shame that none of these "Lousy Parents" taught you to put a gun in your mouth and spare us your bullshit. And to all you empowerers... Stop making excuses for these fuckstains and start holding them accountable. Your acceptance and forgiveness are part of why these idiots feel comfortable acting like spoiled 4 year olds.
Why is it that electronic devices come packed with SO MUCH bullshit? When I buy a four ounce cell phone, it comes packed in a box, in a twist-tied plastic bag, with a charger in a twist-tied plastic bag, wedges of cardboard, 14 pieces of interlocking styrofoam, a quick start guide, a quick start guide in French, a quick start guide in German, a quick start guide in Spanish, an owner's manual in 5 different languages... in a twist-tied plastic bag, a warranty card, a UL safety information sheet, an FCC compliance information sheet, a list of carriers, a credit card sized quick reference guide, a half a pound of wheat, a 'Welcome to Sprint' guide, coupons for phone accessories, a catalogue of accessories, one lawn gnome, a form to apply for an extended warranty, and a partridge in a pear tree. "Here's your cell phone sir. Did you bring a pushcart, or would you like some help carrying it out?" I just kept the phone and the charger. I gave all the rest of the stuff to a homeless man and he was able to construct a small shelter and still had enough left over to fuel a fire that kept him warm through most of the winter.
Online greeting cards. Awww - I'm so touched. I feel so warm inside knowing that you filled out a little form and gave my email address to a total stranger. Ever consider why it's free? Today I had 87 junk emails. I love you too.
The "Holiday Tree" in Times Square. People are so fucking scared of offending someone. It's a goddamn Christmas Tree! I'm not even a Christian, but that's some pitiful bullshit. When Jews start calling a Menorah a "Holiday Candelabra" we'll talk.
People who use "because it's natural" as an excuse for everything. "I smoke pot because it's natural. It's not a drug because it comes from nature. I don't shave my legs or armpits because body hair is natural. I don't use deodorant because body odor is natural." Oh yeah? You know what else is natural? Arsenic. Cyanide. Strychnine. Unknown expiration dates on everything you eat. Wiping your ass with your hand. YIPPEE FOR NATURE!
Fat People who get aggravated and act like you're in their way when they can't get around you in a crowded space. You know what's blocking your way? The Seventy Five Pounds of undigested White Castle Burgers in your Colon! Look. I didn't eat all those King Dons FOR you, so stop huffing and puffing at me. Yes, this subway bench is crowded, but unlike you, I'm only taking up ONE seat. YOU'RE the one making it crowded. If you don't like it, fuck off and hit the Stairmaster, Bluto.
People who walk forward through a crowd, bumping into people while looking over their shoulders. No, there's nothing coming up behind you. What you SHOULD be paying attention to is me standing here completely still, a couple of yards in front of you with this screwdriver lined up perfectly with your ear canal.
Computer software that comes packed in a little white paper envelope inside the box. Wow! I sure am glad I decided to respect your intellectual property by giving you fifty bucks or more for something I could have downloaded for free, when my reward is that you're too fucking cheap to give me a two cent jewelcase. Bravo!
Spanish Television. Spanish TV seems to consist primarily of four things: Horrible Comedy Shows, Horrible Jerry Springer Type Shows, Horrible Soap Operas and Horrible American Movies like Robocop 2, I come in Peace, Tremors 3 and every movie Chuck Norris has ever made that have been overdubbed... Horribly. Soap operas and talk shows are hardly worth mentioning, since their American counterparts are hideous to begin with, and the Spanish shows are exponentially worse. Most of the comedy shows seem to be shot on live stages with sets that make The Bozo Show look like The Last Emperor. They always feature lots of highbrow, intellectual humor like: "That woman has exceptionally large breasts!" "That guy is hiding the other guy's soccer ball down the back of his pants!" "It's a man with a big mustache in a dress! HAHAHAHA! Get it? See.. It's actually a MAN but he's wearing a DRESS!! HAHAH!" And, of course, there's the ever-popular, "Man hiding the soccer ball down the back of his dress from the woman with exceptionally large breasts."
WWJD.
There is this cheesy christian evangelistic thing, where people wear these little woven bracelets that have the letters WWJD on them. For those who are fortunate enough to be out of the loop, I'll explain. This is a sort of goofy marketing ploy to give x-tians the opportunity to talk to people about Jesus (great- just what I needed). Someone goes up to the christian and asks what the WWJD stands for, and they take the bracelet off and say, "It stands for 'What would Jesus do?' Well Jesus, being the trendy Anglo Saxon that he was, would GIVE you the cheesy little bracelet. Would you like some brochures, or could I be a witness to your conversion, now that you've been overwhelmed by this deep and powerful display of god's love in the form of a cheap trinket?" I've found that you can amass a rather large collection of these. Just go up to them and say, "Hey, what's that?" and they just give them to you. I figure I would have about a dozen of them if I didn't keep throwing them away. Fuck what Jesus would do. Ask yourself, "What Would YOU Do?". "What Would Jesus Do?" Oh, gee. I don't know. How about GET HIS ASS NAILED UP ON A BIG WOODEN CROSS AND CROAK! That's what Jesus would do, so why don't you follow in his footsteps?
ATM Idiots
"Ok.. so I just insert my card?" *insert* BEEEP! " Uh-oh.." *insert* BEEEP! " Stupid machine."*insert* BEEEP! "Ohhh... I see... I had the stripe facing the wrong way." *insert* BEEEP! *insert* BEEEP! *insert* ENTER YOUR PIN NUMBER "Hmmm..." *boop..... boop boop....* "Oops" *clear... boop... boop boop.............boop* BEEEP! "AAAAH!!" *boop... boop... boop..........boop* SELECT TYPE OF TRANSACTION "Uhhhhhhhh.... (ponders the choices between four types of transactions for 30 seconds) BEEP BEEP BEEP! DO YOU NEED MORE TIME? "Oh dear!" *'yes' boop* SELECT AN AMOUNT IN MULTIPLES OF $20. *boop boop '$45'* BEEEP! "AAA!" SELECT AN AMOUNT IN MULTIPLES OF $20. *boop.....boopboop '$400'* DISPENSING $400 "AAAAAA NOOOO! FORTY!!! SHIT!" BEEEPBEEEPBEEEP! "AAA! WHAT THE HELL??!!" PLEASE TAKE YOUR CARD AND RECEIPT (gets nervous and walks away with the receipt, but forgets the ATM card). Why the fuck am I always stuck behind these morons? WELCOME TO THE MODERN AGE! MAY THE WHEELS OF CHANGE GRIND YOUR BONES TO POWDER!
"Hip-Hopera"
The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, Maxim girls, and the people who not only pay attention to them at all, but make a big fuss and get all excited about them. Look. There's this amazing new thing called PORN, and it actually features beautiful women who are not only partly undressed, but TOTALLY NAKED, and they don't just march up and down a runway or hang out in exotic locations that look like travel brochures and other totally nonsexual bullshit, but they are actually involved in erotic situations and are sometimes actually HAVING SEX! REAL SEX! Not like that fake "rubba-rubba-grindy-grindy" cheesy soft focus HBO penis-never-shows sex. I got bored with the Sears Catalog when I was 8. Graduate, you pathetic boobs.
Satanists. "Judeo-Christian religion is bullshit! That's why I follow the imaginary bad guy that was created in the same book that created the imaginary god, that was supposedly written BY the imaginary god that I hate." Do you seriously not see your own stupidity? "Gandalf isn't real! Sauron ROCKS!" Side note: Everyone else's musical tastes have developed beyond what they listened to during their 14 year old "Fuck you, Mom and Dad" phase. One time I was in Tower Records and some guy who was about 25 asked the clerk where the Death Metal Section was. It's mixed in with ROCK, fucknuts. Did you actually think that after 1990, there would be a whole section of Metal, much less a section for a splinter subgenre of metal that only 22 people on the face of the earth still listen to?
Germ Freaks. I was in line at a store one day and I was about 4 feet behind the lady in front of me. I coughed ONCE and she turned around and yelled, "You better get away from me with that motherfuckin' cough. I just HAD a cold." I said I was sorry but she kept rattling on until I said, "Look. I said I was sorry. Would you prefer that I SPIT on you?"
THE STILE PROJECT
It started out as an archive of all those pics of weird shit that get circulated around the internet and everyone has seen 1000 times. It got a zillion hits a day despite having almost no original content. Scores of other pages followed the formula. Then something ugly happened. BANNERS. Not just for some guy's favorite sites... Porn Banners. And not just one or two, but SHITLOADS. A guy running a site that gets thousands of daily hits figured out a way to make money and he got greedy. But even that wasn't good enough. "I know... I'll add POPUP ADS! That way I get paid even if the readers don't click a goddamn thing... and... I KNOW! I'll intermingle links to the funny pictures with links to the porn ads. HAHAHA !! If they close one, IT OPENS FIVE MORE! And if they close those, THEY OPEN FIVE MORE EACH!!! GODDAMN I SUCK ASS!!! MUHAHAHAHAH!!!" If you go to that page now, it's hard to find something to click on that ISN'T an ad. And wow - the content is such a great way to program a human mind. Repeated Arousal plus Violence. *Click* Hot Chick *Click* Beheaded Guy *Click* Hot Chick *Click* Animated Hentai Porn with Girl's Legs Cut Off *Click* Hot Chick *Click* Midget *Click* Guy Run Over By Car *Click* Etc... That page is blocked from the computers at work. Yeah? So? Hey, Ernie's House of Whoop-Ass! New ideas are a bitch, huh? What's amusing about Ernie's is he put "Often imitated - Never duplicated" on his site that's a blatant and completely unmasked attempt to be like the Stile Project, with the addition of retarded warmongering misdirected patriotism of the "we're America so we should be allowed to blow up whoever we want, and anyone who disagrees is a commie" variety. Yeah, your section of people writing "We love Ernie's" on their tits is NOTHING like the "Stile Sucks" section. Ernie's doesn't seem to be updated as regularly as Stile or Bangedup. I guess that's because he needs to wait for them to post new pictures so he can leech them for use on his own site. On May 9, he copy pasted this ENTIRE PAGE from Maddox as his entire update. BRAVO, CHAMP! Tres Originale.
Those stupid girl's jeans with the pre-faded thighs. I feel kinda stupid putting this on here, because they're so overexposed that they'll probably be out of style in a week.
Thank you, Rap Music for creating a bumper crop of guys who talk to themselves loudly in public and not only don't care who hears them, but mistakenly think that it makes them cool, not stupid and obnoxious.
Today I saw a grown woman sucking her thumb. She even had her index finger over her nose the way two year olds do. I don't really think it's necessary to elaborate on this so I'll just scream. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!! Thank you.
People who think they're making their webpages look sleek and minimalistic by using white backgrounds with light grey 6 point fonts. "Wow! The way you made your text into a barely visible blurry line makes your page look both sleek AND minimalistic. Hang on! Let me reset my screen resolution to 640x480 so I can read what it says.... hmm... Nope. Still too small. But wow! It looks so fucking cool!"
People who marvel at the "Drama of Sports." Listen to the hushed, tense voices of the golf announcers. You need quiet so you can concentrate on your putt? You snobby prick! Surely any musician who plays an instrument well requires easily as much concentration and ability as a fucking golfer. You think SOUND distracts them? If anything here is distracting it's your IDIOTIC LIME GREEN PANTS! Ahhh, Sports: The Anti-Art.
Cher's semi-annual 'Look How Tightly I Stretched My Latex Skin Over My Titanium Terminator Skull' comeback tour.
And of course...
The people who still think she's 'hip.'
"She looks amazing considering she's 98"
People on IRC who join #newyork and think that it's like the NATIONAL channel. "AM BE NE1 FROM OHIO?" " What is being time in USA?" "WHAT IS ZIP CODE OF USA?"
People on AOL Instant Messenger who have made a hobby out of changing their buddy icon, so every time they message you, you have to accept it. "Hi!" (Click ok) "What's up?" (Click ok)
Guys who piss ALL OVER the toilet seat. What? Are you retarded? Here we have a hole bigger than the size of an average man's waist (or at least that would be the case if you were actually smart enough to lift the fucking seat up), your dick hangs DIRECTLY OVER the target so even if the piss FELL OUT it would make a perfect bullseye, you've had an average of a half dozen chances to practice this shot every single day of your life since birth, and you STILL make the bathroom look like a yellow Jackson Pollock painting!!!! Oh well. I guess that IS a lot of coordination to expect from some guy who drags his knuckles and warns rival males by thumping his chest. Would it fucking kill you to at least wipe it off? You think the next person is going to admire your masterpiece? Are you marking your goddamn territory? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?! Please, please come and try that shit in MY bathroom so I can make it look like a RED Jackson Pollock painting.
Male Comedians who joke about not understanding Women.
Female Comedians who joke about trying to lose weight.
It's been done. Give it a rest and look into other career choices.
That stupid little robot voice that's been in every fucking pop song for the last 3 years.
Guys who actively spend 100% of their time trying (key word: trying) to look cool. I was at the DMV and I got stuck behind some retard who was wearing sunglasses inside and using an umbrella as a cane as he strutted along deliberately slowly. "HEY, SHIT-NECK! Welcome to the fucking Department of Motor Vehicles. Everyone here is pissed that they even have to be here, and hate your guts just because you're in queue with them. You should feel psyched that you're the coolest motherfucker in this goddamn REFUGEE CAMP. Get the fuck out of my way!" Last night I was coming home from work at 11:30pm, and this guy was hanging out on the street corner wearing an all Roca-Wear outfit and two baseball hats, one on top of the other, at different angles. My first thought was, "Holy shit. Not only did that guy actually leave the house like that without feeling like an idiot, but he actually thinks he looks COOL." Then another idea hit me that compounded the whole thing. This retard got ALL DRESSED UP to stand idle, ALONE on a street corner in the upper Bronx at 11:30pm on a fucking Wednesday. There is FUCK-ALL going on. The only people on the street are this retard and the people who just got off the train. "Yo, shorty. Whattup? Tough commute? Wanna kick it?"
Assholes who play with their cell phones on the subway. Just what I need to mess up my morning nap: some asshole who STILL thinks that a cell phone is a status symbol, who's going through all the ring tones trying to decide which one best coordinates with the image he wants to project as a person. YOU CAN'T EVEN GET A GODDAMN SIGNAL UNDERGROUND. Next time I hear this, I'm going to throw my PDA stylus with ninja-like cunning and skill and skewer the guy's phone to his forehead. Then he'll slump over and the phone will give out a dying sound like R2-D2 running out of batteries. Should I write movies? No. No I should not.
"Mad" meaning "Very." "Yo, son. When I be talkin' like this I sound mad stupid, dawg. Werd."
White Kids from Ohio who smoke pot and think it makes them a Rastafarian.
People who shake my hand and their hand wilts like a delicate lily.
Guys who think that a the whole point of a handshake is a contest of might and pain threshold. "I can tell you really respect me because you displaced my knuckles and broke two bones. I'll sign your contract, but I'll have to hold the pen in my mouth."
People who use Pachouli. Yes. We can still tell that you have not bathed in two weeks. Not only are you NOT masking your fucking horrendous hippy-stink B.O. the way you THINK you are, you are adding the even MORE offensive odor of the world's most hideous perfume. In the extremely UNLIKELY event that someone CLEAN put this on his body, he may as well have not bathed in the last month, since he's instantly transformed into a FILTHY HIPPY. When I smell that shit, I can feel my sinuses closing up like a Hardee's Restaurant. TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER, YOU WALKING BAG OF GENITAL LICE AND DEAD SKIN CRUMBS!
The plastic labeling tape that holds the top of a CD jewelcase together. Is there any possible way that you could make the adhesive stronger, or make the label more prone to ripping into little pieces? Of course I didn't buy this new CD with the intention of enjoying listening to it. I bought it because nothing brings me more happiness than sitting there going, " pick, pick, pick, pick, pick, pick, pick, pick, pick.....pull, rip... pick, pick, pick, pick."
R&B Singers who sing "The Star Spangled Banner" at Baseball games and go, "and the rockets' red glaaAAAEEEEaAAaaeeeaaaayyyeeeeaaaAAaarrre.. the bombs bursting in aaaAaAAAaaEeEAaAaeeEEaaaair." Hey, Windbag. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Power Ties."FEAR ME AND THE POWARR OF MY RED AND ORANGE TIE!" Does that thing glow in the dark? You're powerful because you're tacky as hell? Where do the batteries go? Maybe next time you can get one that has tiny speakers that make a loud, continuous trumpet blare. Then you'll be even more powerful.
People who block up the sidewalk with an umbrella big enough to keep the South American Rainforest dry.
People who talk with their hands in a cramped, crowded situation. Look, asshole. You're not conducting an orchestra, you're elbowing me. *CHOP CHOP* There. Talk with your nubs.
Para-Science and Pseudo-Science. I'm tired of sparing people's feelings when they think that their stupidity is actually their brilliance. Can't we just sort things into 'Bullshit' and 'Non-Bullshit?'
The Republican Christian Hypocrisy.
Since I was old enough to pay attention to religion and politics (which is actually not really an age thing, I suppose, since the average American voter casts votes on the basis of how good someone looks on TV), I have been perplexed and disgusted by an obvious contradiction. Christians purport to "turn the other cheek" and preach peace and nonviolence and charity to the poor. Then they go and give all their support to Republican Party, which supports the Death Penalty, Gun Ownership, Military Buildup, Huge Tax Write-Offs for the Rich Owners of Big Corporations and the Abolishing of Welfare. Your body is a temple? Then why would Republicans try to protect Tobacco Companies and try to weaken government restrictions on pollution? "It's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to pass into he Kingdom of Heaven," but we know a few people in Washington, and we'll see what we can work out.
People who bitch about modern medicine and preach in favor of alternative remedies as though it's of some ridiculous religious significance to them. Let's put it into a very basic perspective: Results. Most of these natural remedies center around plants and have been used for their medicinal value for hundreds of years, and while many have merit, most pale in comparison to modern medicine. In the last two hundred years, the life expectancy in the US has gone from the mid-forties to the mid-eighties. Hmmm. Life Expectancy doubling... I'm willing to bet that Ginseng and Ginkgo Biloba had very little to do with that increase. A lady at work saw me taking some Advil for a headache and bitched at me saying, "Do you know what you're putting in your body? That will just COVER UP the pain!" and I replied, "YES! IT WILL! Maybe I don't feel like sitting here ENJOYING my headache." This same woman would bitch at me for taking cough syrup when I had a cold, saying it was POISON. When I had a cold it would last about 4 or 5 days. When SHE had a cold it would last for TWO WEEKS and she'd end up missing at least four or five days of work and come back STILL all fucked up and having to leave early for a few days. Sure... Use your healing crystals and magnets. Sprinkle echinacea into every goddamn thing you eat. I prefer Physical Health to Spiritual Harmony. After my quadruple bypass surgery I'll try not to let my Triple Whopper with Cheese drip delicious tallow on your grave.
People who wear a hat for so long that you can't remember or visualize what they look like without it.
Tappers. We know you like the music on your headphones. You are not part of the music and the bottlecap in your hand banging against the handrail is not a musical instrument, so FUCKING KNOCK IT OFF.
Fat people who wear Phat Farm clothes. How can I NOT laugh?
People who take everyone in their extended families to the grocery store. The aisles are six feet across. Don't make me need to plow the cart through your whole clan like a bunch of bowling pins. Nothing's coming between me and my Cap'n Crunch.
Spray air freshener. AHHH! It's like I'm in a mountain breeze amid a sea of wild flowers.... getting sprayed by TEAR GAS! ARRRG! MY THROAT! MY EYESSS! THE BURNING! GAHHH!
Women who visibly hate children who have five of them. "HOLD YOUR BROTHER'S HAND AND SHUT UP!" *SMACK!!!!* (Scowl scowl) "DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO STAND STILL?!?!" *SMACK* (Scowl scowl). You always see them slapping the shit out of their kids in public for the smallest, most innocent things. Generally, the kid's worst offense was simply acting like a kid, and they're so accustomed to being slapped around that the smack causes little more reaction than a slight passing frown. If you hate children so much, why not use the dozen or so safe, easy and effective methods of birth control at your disposal... Oh, yeah... that's another one of those questions that I can answer myself... because you're too fucking stupid. Guess what message you're giving to your kids about their worth. Later in life when they have a spouse who beats them up, they have you to thank.
Guys who constantly breathe through their nose like they're trying to blow out birthday candles.
Ravers who go to a party so they can do lots of drugs and showcase their grossly overpriced clothes who look at me like I don't know what it's all about since I'm there for the music.
People who take a book to the bathroom and stay in there for 30 minutes. Do you really think indole and skatole smell so yummy that you can't resist lingering so you can inhale them deeply until you are sated? Maybe it's just me, but avoidance of one's own waste is a pretty healthy animal instinct, and the toilet's design is centered around making the filth go away in the fastest and most odorless method possible. PLEASE USE THIS TECHNOLOGY!
Commercials that try to make products seem cool when they could never be cool.
"IT DEEESTROYS ATHLETE'S FOOT FUNGUS *B-ZAPP!!!* ON CONTACT! *K-BLAM!!!*"
"YOU GOT MILK? YO! YOU GOTTA GET IT! WERD!"
"HAVE YOU REGISTERED WITH SELECTIVE SERVICES? GET WITH IT, DUDE!"
People who, when backed into a corner with legitimate criticism, think they're making a triumphant comeback with, "Yeah, well... uhhh .... You're probably a FAG! HAH! And uhhh .... You got a LITTLE DICK TOO! HAH! ....and uhh... I FUCKED YOUR MOM! HAH!"
Girls who have webcam pictures of themselves on their homepages where they're doing the clichéd "CUTE HEAD TILT."
Guys who have webcam pictures of themselves on their homepages where they're doing the clichéd "PUFF DADDY LOWER LIP STUCK OUT HEAD-TILTED BACK SNEER." When I see that, I want to smack their heads the rest of the way back with a bat.
Anyone who has ever quipped, "Workin' hard, or hardly workin'?" HEE-YUCK! HEE-YUCK! Good one, Jethro.
Retards who pronounce the word "striped" as a two syllable word, "stripe-ed." Why do you arbitrarily pick this particular word to mispronounce? Would you say, "As I walk-ed down the street, some people look-ed at me, so I smile-ed at them, and then we went to my place and fuck-ed, but it hurt a little because I was sunburn-ed"? Then why would you refer to your "stripe-ed pants?" If you come near me, you're going to get punch-ed.
Bogus Movie Review Comments in Movie Ads. If you listened to movie ads, apparently EVERY movie ever made is amazing. What reviewer would lay down his reputation by pushing movies that are such obvious tripe? "The Boston Globe calls Monkey Trouble 'Hilarious! I laughed until my eyeballs exploded!' 'A Feast For The Eyes,' says Entertainment Weekly. The New York Times says, 'I couldn't stop laughing. Astounding. A Triumph!' Time Magazine raves, "We're APE for Monkey Trouble! Ingenious movie making!'" What fucking cretins do they have writing this shit? Is this all used out of context, or do they just get some insane homeless man to say some bullshit by dangling a bottle of fortified wine over his head? Do people still give these totally false comments credence? How many times do you have to get burned before you remember, "Hey, wait a second... isn't that the same reviewer who said Double Take gave Doctor Zhivago a run for its money?" I just think that the Media Monopoly is leaning a bit too heavily on the editorial pen. When the same companies own all the magazines, newspapers, tv stations, radio stations and movie studios, it becomes less like unbiased critique, and a lot more like overt marketing.
Cyber-sex/cyber-space/cyber-anything, Netizens, "online community," e-trading/e-business/e-banking/e-commerce/e-go-fuck-yourself, surf, buddy list, irc ascii popups and scripts that tell jokes and play 8-ball and other retarded shit, "information super-highway," people online who end everything in "Z" (i.e. mp3z, ftpz, sitez) to sound leet, people who refer to things on the internet with the pseudo-adjective "dot com," 14 year old aolers who have the nerve to use the terms "hacked" or "lamer" referring to anyone other than themselves, Bloggers, Live Journals, RaNdOm CaPs and |_33T 5P34|<, kids who download and install a flooder script and think it makes them a hacker, people who install a non-windows OS just for the bragging rights, ASL, LOL, ROTFLMAO, IMHO, BRB, BBIAB, TTYL, NOOB, PM, UR, GTG, IM, NE1, PLZ, TY, OIC, CTC, AFK, TX, OMG, STFU!! STFU!! STFU!!!! STFU!!!!!!!!!
People who get so bored that they CREATE rumors. I keep finding out that my sex life is far more interesting than I could ever imagine. These people have the funny tendency to actually get really angry and insulted when they get busted too. Ahh - the irony.
People who think that hanging out in #philosophy on IRC makes them deep.
Unsolicited Junk Email that says "This is not unsolicited email. You signed up for this. We are a company that is committed to delivering important and relevant information to our clients." Thanks for adding insult to injury you fucking shitstains. I didn't sign up for a fucking thing. Since when is BREAST INCREASING CREAM fucking RELEVANT to my existence?? The next time I get an ad saying "ADD INCHES TO YOUR PENIS," I'm going send them a reply with a HUGE, HIGH RESOLUTION CLOSEUP PICTURE OF MY THROBBING, ERECT COCK to show them that their ad is NOT TARGETED AT INTERESTED CONSUMERS who NEED THEIR PRODUCT, and definitely not requested by me. You think you're "connecting goods and services with customers who want more information?" Meet me face to face and let me CONNECT a claw hammer repeatedly to your cranium and you'll get a good impression of how interested I am in your bullshit. "HOTTT SEEXY TEENZZ?" CRACK! "HOTTTT SEXXYY TEEENZ?" CRACK! "HOTT SEEXXXY TEENNSZZ?" CRACK! There's a special place in hell for people that add that disclaimer line to their Spam, and it smells a lot like Pakistan.
IRC People who swear I know them when I have no clue who the hell they are.
Bread companies who think they're making their bread "gourmet" by making it extremely dense, dry and flaky.
Any show where they bother to mention that someone is "joining us live via satellite." That must have seemed pretty cool and high-tech in the eighties, but it means fuck-all today. Y'know what else is joining us live via satellite? ALL TV! THE INTERNET! YOUR PAGER! EVERY FUCKING PHONE CALL YOU MAKE! EVERYTHING!
The way people view celebrities in the Justice System. While they're in court, everyone wants them to get fucked, and once they're in prison, everyone begs for them to be set free. "Robert Downey Jr. got busted with cocaine? He should be fed to angry dogs." "Mike Tyson raped someone? Awww - that's ok. Let him out. He's been in there for at least two weeks. He's sorry. Look at how sad he looks."
Teen idols. PERIOD.
Eidos video games. "Good morning, Sir. Yes, we're in the character rendering stage of our game development. Well... We've run into a glitch with the main character of the game, Sir. It seems that when she runs, her oversized 3D rendered breasts meld with her knees and it causes clipping. Maybe we could reduce her breast size or make them bounce less and then we wouldn't have the clipping when she runs." (Holds the phone away from his ear as the sound of loud, angry screaming comes through the receiver) "Yes, Sir. I'm sorry, Sir. I understand. We'll put the character on Rollerskates so she can have mobility and still retain the inhumanly large breasts. No, Sir. I haven't forgotten the Company Motto, and I won't bother you with silly suggestions like that again."
Wednesday, 7:30am: Calm apologetic phone call making an attempt at a rational appeal not to break up.
7:35am-8:45am: Angry, screaming phone calls.
9:00am-10:45am: Office phone rings, caller hangs up, about 30 times.
11:00am: Boss calls you into his office to discuss a phone call he received from a woman claiming that you beat and raped her.
11:12am: Boss tells you to take a half day to go home and get your personal affairs in order. In reality, you're probably fired.
11:15am: Walk out to the company parking lot to find every window of your car smashed out.
12:05pm: Arrive home to find two windows of your house smashed out, and a police cruiser in the driveway. The police officer serves you with a restraining order.
12:15pm: Find all of your clothes burning in the oven.
12:25: Find your computer completely wiped clean except for a video of your ex-girlfriend sucking some other guy's dick... Filmed today.
2:00pm: The phone rings and a tender voice says, "I miss you, baby."
People who are devout Christians and attribute their conversion to "miracles" that could easily be explained by natural means. Usually the event is something completely fucking ordinary, but they see it as undeniable proof of God.
"You can't tell me God doesn't exist. I used to be just like you, and I was unemployed, my wife and I kept trying to get pregnant but nothing was happening, and my dad was sick. Then I prayed for God to help me, and a couple of months later, I got a job at Jiffy Lube, then a few months after that, my wife got pregnant, and my dad is getting better."
Gee, I might be inclined to agree with you about these dumb events being miracles if your new-found employment was that a Fortune 500 company called you up out of the blue and offered you 50 million a year to be their CEO, despite you being a talentless, uneducated schlub, and if you and your wife conceived despite having no genitalia, and your dad lost his torso in an accident, and was now well on his way to a full recovery.
Twisted bathroom habit of the day. I was just in a public restroom, and this guy was resting both of his hands on the top of the urinal as he peed, as though he was riding a bicycle or resting his hands on two white porcelain shoulders. Dude, just touch your penis. It's yours. It's okay, and hopefully it's much more sanitary than a damn urinal. Then you're going to "shake off" with urinal hands. Fucking foul.
The conversation I have every single time I go to Dunkin Donuts.
"I'd like two doughnuts and a large milk."
"Milk and sugar?"
"No. Just milk."
"Coffee with milk?"
"No. Just a cup with milk."
(Looking to her coworkers for help) "You want milk in your coffee?"
"A cup... with JUST milk in it."
(Scratching head and staring at the register) "Uhhhhhh...." Then they charge me a different amount every time.
YouTube video bloggers whose channel is nothing but WAY too close shots of their big sweaty faces mouth breathing with their slobbery lisp into their webcam microphone as they whine about everything that has them miffed.
The new "Ice Age" movie, "Dawn of the Dinosaurs," which seems to imply that dinosaurs not only lived at the same time as mastodons, sabertoothed tigers and modern animals like weasels, but came LATER, which is wrong, and in the reverse order by roughly 60+ million years. Great. Just what we need. More dumb, confused kids who will grow up to be young earth creationists because preachers will capitalize on their ignorance and make them embrace the idea that these animals could have all coexisted.
Today I saw an ad for a new show called "Dance Your Ass Off," which features morbidly obese manatee-like women in skimpy dresses which display yards and yards of flubbity cleavage dancing.... JUST WHAT EVERYONE WANTS TO WATCH!
Today in my company cafeteria they were playing Hanna Montana on the loudspeakers, which is odd, because I am fairly sure we don't employ any 10 year old girls there.
People using cell phones who move the phone away from their ears to their mouths to speak. They can hear you, idiots.
Today I saw an ad for some community college or trade school, which depicted a goldfish leaping from a tiny fish bowl into a larger fish bowl, with the caption "Yes you can!" How depressing. No, don't have the goldfish escaping his prison into the freedom of a stream, have him escaping into a slightly roomier prison. Hate your shitty, little, underpaid, unrewarding job? Get your degree so you can get a slightly less shitty, underpaid, unrewarding job.
What is this shit where someone like Mike Tyson or some other celebrity goes to prison for breaking just laws, and then assholes say, "Free Tyson"? So the fact that you admire someone means they shouldn't be subject to the same laws as everyone else? How do you figure?
Lousy debaters who keep making the same already defeated argument over and over, maybe slightly reworded, as though you're going to forget that the point was already addressed.
"See, the structure of DNA has a pattern, and complex patterns can only come from a mind, hence, Yaweh made the universe."
"Actually, you're just asserting a guess on both ends of your argument. You don't know that a complex pattern needs a mind to make it, and even if you could prove the universe had a designer, there's no reason to just assume it's Yaweh. It could just as easily be Brahma, Allah, or any of the other gods which are credited with making the universe, or some god or intelligence (or more than one) that humans never even contemplated."
"Okay, but see.... DNA has a complex pattern, and what could make a complex pattern besides a mind? And who had the first mind? Yaweh!"
Mean, scary, completely unapproachable bosses who always give themselves credit for having an "open door policy," which none of their employees dare to observe. Look. If all of your employees feel like getting within ten feet of you might put them on a downsizing / more work / write-up / screaming in their faces short list, you have an open door policy in the way that a trapdoor spider has an open door policy.
Customers who wander into places where they have no business being, and more to the point, are stupid for being in, and they seem to think they have every right to be there. "Hello? Sir? Hello? Mister Zookeeper? Yeah, uh, hi. I was uh, over there and I wanted to take a picture of those tigers, but they were hiding in those bushes over there in their enclosure, so I couldn't see them, so I saw that little door off to the side, and I went through it so I could get closer, and, well, now one of the tigers has my leg. Yeah. The other zookeeper wasn't helpful at all. She started screaming and running around. Yes, I can SEE that we're in the hippo enclosure and I can SEE that you're feeding the hippos, and I don't appreciate your tone of voice. I'm a PAYING CUSTOMER and I can't believe you're acting this way. I mean, I'm a paying customer and I came here to take pictures, and I think everyone here could really use some training in customer service. I'm not supposed to go in the enclosure? Well I didn't see a sign telling me not to. Besides, how am I supposed to take pictures if there are bushes in the way. It's unacceptable, and I'm not leaving until I get my leg back. In fact, I would ask to speak with the manager, but I'm about to lose consciousness from the blood loss. I don't know what kind of place you think you're running here, but that's the last leg and penny of mine you're getting.
People who try to maintain the upper hand in a debate, not by having a strong case, but by being either extremely misleading or obscurantist about the point of view they are defending, or simply by being all over the map. This game is called, "You can't attack my position, because I won't tell you what it is.".
"Being an atheist is stupid."
"So you are a theist?"
"I didn't say that."
"Well what's your position?"
"The universe is too complex for us to understand it."
"How does that make atheism stupid, specifically?"
"Because you can't know there is no God."
"Atheism doesn't say absolutely there is no God, merely that there is no good reason to believe there is one."
"But that's stupid."
"So you're a theist?"
"Not necessarily."
"So, what, you're a deist?"
"No."
"Pantheist?"
"Pffft! No."
"Agnostic leaning toward theism?"
"No."
"Agnostic leaning toward atheism?"
"No."
"50/50?"
"No."
"Then what is your argument?"
"That atheists are stupid."
"And you make this claim from what position? Theism?"
"No."
"What is your position?"
"What difference would that make?"
"Fuck you."
"Journalism" June 4th, 2009: Msnbc reports that in the comic, "Archie," Archie will propose to Veronica.
Neg's response: Didn't they stop making Archie comics like 30 years ago?
Bumping into coworkers on the subway. You're tired and hungry after a long day at work, and you just want to get home and relax. You put your headphones on to block out all the dumb people and start to feel at ease. You take a book out of your bag and start to open it to the place you left off, when you see one of your coworkers on the platform. "Oh shit. Let me just turn around and maybe he won't see me."
You turn your back to him and start reading your book. "Maybe he's taking a different train." Then the train pulls up and the guy gets on. "Fuck." Then you look over to see where he's standing and your eyes meet, and there's a definite look of recognition. He starts taking his headphones off and starts coming towards you. "Shit." You politely take your headphones off. "Oh well... I was enjoying listening to that."
"Long time no see!" Fucking trite.
"Heh, yeah...." Awkward silence.
"So... Sup?" Yeah, it's generic, and not really a pertinent thing to ask, given that you were just working together ten minutes ago.
"Headin' home."
"Yeah." Awkward silence.... "Been busy at work."
"Don't I know it! Heh...." Awkward silence...
You hear the faint pop-tish of the music in your headphones and figure that you're not going to be able to listen to it so you turn off your iPod and put it in your pocket. Consider this an act of surrender.
"You live in Manhattan?"
"Queens."
"Really? What part?"
"Astoria."
"Ahh..." Awkward silence. No indication that this is a good or bad thing.
"What are you reading?"
"Uhhh, The Future of an Illusion by Sigmund Freud." Oh, great. I'm reading a book about how religion is fearful, infantile nonsense. This should spark a conversation that I really don't want to get into with this doofus.
"You taking a class or something?"
"Nah, just reading it. Just, uh, something interesting to read."
"What's it about?"
"I, uhh, kinda just started it." You're on page 55 and it's only about 70 pages long.... And you read it a few months ago.
"Ahh." This is apparently this guy's favorite non-comment.
20 minutes go by and the train is pulling into the station where you'll transfer to the N train. Finally, you'll be free of this nitwit. The train stops and people start moving towards the doors. The guy is also getting off.
"What train do you take?"
"The N."
"Cool. Me too!"
Fuck.
Douchebags who put their sunglasses over their ears facing backward. Careful. They might break when I punch you in the base of the skull.
May 15, 09: In Florida, a woman is suing her daughter's high school for publishing a yearbook where, in a class picture, her daughter, who couldn't even be bothered to not wear super short shorts even for the news interview, was sitting in the front row wearing a short skirt and no panties and her twat was clearly showing. You know, because it's her school's fault that her daughter is a whore. To make matters worse, even the mom was wearing daisy dukes - I mean, the news is going to interview you about your trashy daughter. At least TRY to look the part of the outraged litigant. "Ya, know? Maybe if we're going to sue the school for inadvertantly failing to catch a picture showing that you're a total slut who can't even cover up her pussy for a yearbook photo, maybe we shouldn't both look like total sluts when the news people get here."
Only thing that could look dumber than a man in sandals: a man in sandals wearing a toe ring. And yes, I saw this. I wish I hadn't, but I did.
Customer service assholes who make it as obvious as possible without getting fired that you are in no way going to rush them. You walk into the bank and there's a bigass line, and you're agitated because you're running late to work. You finally get to the front of the line, and a customer leaves the counter, so you move up to the teller. The teller looks up at you without moving their head and says, "I didn't say next customer. Please wait for the next teller." You get back in line, and are there for about 5 seconds before the same teller says, "Next customer," as though this isn't ironic or passive-aggressive at all. You walk up just as they decide to start adjusting their chair. They mess with the lever, sit on the seat to get it to go down - whoops, too far, lever, up, sit, lever, up... Uh oh, they dropped their pen... Better bend down really, really slowly and in a maximally labored fashion to pick it up. Okay, got the pen... Hmmm this chair still doesn't feel right. *Adjust adjust* Okay, that's a little better. Oh wait a second. This desk is pretty cluttered up. Let's just put these papers away. Huh? What's this paper? "Jamie! Do you know what this form is for?" Jamie walks over to the teller's station as slowly as possible and stares at the form for a long time. She then gives a dumb shrug and hands it back. The teller then stares at it for a long time, before putting it in a drawer. Hmmm... This pen doesn't write. Let's just look in a couple of these drawers here.... Nope. No pen in there. "Jamie! Do you have any pens?" Jamie then strolls to a back office, clearly in no hurry. The teller continues smacking her gum open-mouthed. Jamie then strolls back around the corner with a few pens in hand and hands them to the teller. The teller takes a few moments to put some of them in the desk drawer... then decides that, "Nah, this indistinguishable Bic pen doesn't look as awesome as that other one I put in the drawer. I'd better reopen the drawer and get that other one." Okay, let's just straighten up these pictures of my fat children for a second. Oh look, some eraser crumbs. Better go fetch a waste basket and brush those off the desk into it. Okay, now where were we? Oh, right! The customer. Well, I can't really take care of the customer without my glasses. Let's just dig that glasses case out of my buttoned front pocket... then rebutton the case, then put the case back in the pocket... then rebutton the pocket, and now I can take care of this customer - oh shit. Look how dirty these glasses are!! Hmm, let's just dig in these drawers again and find a kleenex... Okay, now let's wipe these off... check them a few times to make sure I got all the shit off... Let's just stroll back over to the wastebasket to throw away this kleenex... Okay, now put the glasses on... Log into the computer. Oh shit. Typo. *Clickety Click* Okay, logged in now.... "How can I help you today?"
YOU CAN FUCKING KILL YOURSELF!
Miss California 2009. I know what you're thinking. "This is lame. Neg is throwing himself a soft ball that pretty much every liberal in America has already decided was too silly to comment on. Of course what she said was bigoted and dumb, but who cares?" Well, yeah, I think she's a bigot for opposing gay marriage, but that is not my complaint here. How dumb can she be? I mean, WHO THE FUCk does she think watches the Miss America pageant? Straight men? Straight women? The Christian Right? Bullshit. GAY MEN! I mean, you're on a show whose audience is 99% gay men, and a gay man, whose approval you are seeking, asks you if you support gay marriage... WHAT DO YOU SAY? The truth? Bullshit. You give them the answer they want! If you're fake enough to put vaseline on your teeth to make them sparkle for the cameras, then you're fake enough to give them the appeasing answer they want.
Like, let's say I have been asked to be the keynote speaker for a banquet for the NRA. Do I make a big speech about how we need more gun control? Not if I don't want to be run out of the banquet hall with an army of angry gun nuts on my heels.
They shouldn't even care what she thinks in the first place. This isn't an elected office. The California State Senate won't have her on speed dial. Who gives a shit what she thinks? Just do those crunches, put on your bikini, and DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE!
That retarded ad for "Sunsetter" awnings. "It can keep your porch up to 20 degrees cooler!" Wait a second, asshole. Did you just explain to me how shade works?
People who live in this world, filled with its vast variety of music, who haven't found anything more beautiful, awe-inspiring or moving to listen to than Billy Joel.
"Extended release" allergy pills that, on a scale of 1-10, rank a 2 on relieving allergy symptoms, a 0 on lasting the 12-24 hours they claim to help, and an 8.5 on the get you fucked up and groggy and disoriented factor.
People who are SURE that someone has stolen or tampered with some possession of theirs which nobody wants.
"Have you seen that shitty sweater that I wear every single day? You know, the crappy looking cable knit that was probably blue at one time but is now faded and has grey dirt on the high points? Yeah? Well someone stole it!"
People who would look perfectly normal, even attractive, but they fuck it up with some STUPID fashion accessory.
"Hi! I'm a spunky, 20-something girl. I look smart and sexy in my outfit that's just flirty enough to not look slutty, or at least I would, but then I fucked it up by wearing a dumb Dick Tracey hat!"
"Hey there. I'm a pretty fit guy who spends a few hours working out every day. I eat right and I drink lots of water, which helps keep my skin clear. Of course, that's all a huge waste because I wear a nice suit with Oakleys and white sneakers, which makes me look like a complete tool."
The fact that the laundromat has four televisions at full volume and all four of them are showing the same terrible Spanish soap opera.
Bristol Palin said in a recent interview that she has no regrets. Well no shit. That's because you're fucking dumb. Stupid people have no regrets. They bungle through life and everything is just peachy. See, a smart person might stop and think, "Y'know... Maybe being the 18 year old unwed mother of a kid spawned by a mullet-headed retard isn't the best situation to be in," but not good old Bristol. All is right with the world, regardless of how bad your judgment is. "I wouldn't have it any other way." Retard.
The recent trend where exceptionally amazing electronic bands at least partially remake themselves as kinda-okay-I-guess rock bands that retain a tiny smidgeon of their old electronic sound. I.E. Younger Brother, Boards of Canada, The Future Sound of London, etc. I liked the past sound of London a lot more. "Hey, guys. Let's stop making highly technical, rich, atmospheric, multilayered electronica that's unlike anything anyone has ever heard, and instead make some flower-power psychedelic music that sounds exactly like the music that people got so sick of in the early seventies that they puked out disco.
Christians whose strongest appeal as to why I should become a Christian is, "But Jesus was tortured and crucified for YOU! He died to redeem YOU of your sin!"
First off, I didn't ask him to do that, and I really don't give a shit if I'm on good terms with an invisible man who holds me personally accountable for some dude eating an apple thousands of years ago. How petty. And they always make it out like he made this huge sacrifice. Supposedly, Jesus was the son of God, and capable of miracles, so certainly it would have been within his power to feel no pain whatsoever. If he was capable of miracles and then let himself feel the pain of being crucified, that's his fault. He felt exactly as much pain as he let himself feel.
Let's play a game. You give me five dollars. Jesus' life pre-crucifixion was probably worth about five bucks. He was hated, called a heretic, spat upon... Okay, now in three days I'll give you back five hundred trillion dollars. Sound like a good deal? After three days Jesus came back to life and then went to heaven, where he's basically the vice-ruler of the universe, standing in judgment of all mankind for eternity. It's a good gig if you can get it. Who wouldn't undergo a short period of torture to gain that kind of status in the universe?
So the dude gets nailed up on boards by Romans and dies. How is that God redeeming anything? It's not like God punished Jesus himself. What does one thing have to do with the other? Beyond that, there is one absurdity that makes the whole enterprise completely insane. God has the power to do anything, right? And God can decide to forgive anyone of anything, right? So just forgive us. Why kill someone? Why not just say, "Okay, it's just a fucking apple, and it's not like you all made him eat it. You guys weren't even born yet. How could it be your fault? Sorry, guys. I got a bit hot-headed. Don't worry about it." Gee, such a thing might actually make God not seem like a total asshole. But no, someone committed a tiny offense thousands of years ago, so someone has to get slaughtered like an animal. Then Christians would say that under the law, a blood price must be paid or there's no forgiveness. So God is SUBJECT to the law?
"Original inherited sin" is perhaps one of the most immoral doctrines of Christianity, as I see it. You are guilty of the crime of someone else whom you have never met. The police bust down your door and drag you away. You are put before a judge and are found guilty because some other guy, whom you have never met or heard of, and has never heard of you, stole a car in another state.... before you were born. LIFE WITHOUT PAROLE! How is this moral? How is this reasonable? And how is God, who operates this way, the ultimate authority on morality? Are you fucking kidding me? That is far more immoral than anything I, or probably anyone else has ever done. Sure, Hitler and Stalin and Pol Pot sent millions to their graves, but that is nothing compared to a being that would torture billions for eternity for some guy eating an apple. In fact, if you take the story seriously, the only reason there is death at all is because of Adam's fall. So every person who has ever died has God's immorality to thank for it.
Thank God there's no God.
People who haven't watched a nature show since they were made to in High School.
Debaters on my side of an issue who lie, exaggerate, or obfuscate, and make us all look like a bunch of desperate liars, when the real facts would have been sufficient to smash the other guy's argument.
Debaters on my side of an issue try to play nice and win over the crowd with humor, anecdotes, and other showmanship, while their opponent wastes no time in going for the jugular and making them look like a clown.
This is sort of a weird one, but I keep bumping into it, so I think it warrants a response.
Christians who believe that "other people" have a religion, but they have truth. It's not that these people are unorthodox Christians or religious moderates. Much to the contrary, these people are usually hard liners. They say "religion" as though it is some dirty word, like people who subscribe to a religion are deceived, but they know the truth, unadulterated by an organization. And the "truth" that they know is, (insert 100% pure Christian fundamentalism here). "I don't have a religion. I have a relationship with Jesus!" ..... which is a religion.
Let me straighten you out, because you seem pretty confused. Answer yes or no to the following:
1.) Do you believe that some wise / powerful / intelligent being or beings created the universe or had some part in creating the universe and giving rise to life?
2.) Do believe that this creator has specific wants / requirements of us?
3.) Do you believe that this creator shows benevolence towards people who obey these wants / requirements, and that he is indifferent to, or actively punishes people who disobey these wants / requirements?
Answer yes to any of the above? Congratulations! You have a religion! Believe that this creator was the Biblical God, who sent his son Jesus to redeem mankind of sin, etc? Congratulations! You're a Christian, and that's a religion! Holy shit, you fuckers are weird.
My neighbor who thinks 8am is a good time to learn to play the acoustic guitar.
Not to sound like a whiny nerd, but seriously, it's been over 30 years. There's no fucking excuse for some retards to still mix up Star Wars and Star Trek. "Haw! Look at that guy with the full stormtrooper costume. He's a big trekkie." NO HE ISN'T. He's a nerd, yes, but NOT a fucking trekkie.
Debaters whose point is so weak that they try to take refuge by nitpicking the definitions of words.
"Can you prove God exists?"
"Well what do you mean by 'prove?'"
"Provide evidence for."
"Well it depends what you mean by 'exist.'"
NO IT DOESN'T, YOU ASS. You're just wasting fucking time. Words have definitions. YOU AND I BOTH KNOW WHAT THE DEFINITIONS OF WORDS LIKE "PROVE" AND "EXIST" ARE. If your argument was even slightly robust, you wouldn't be bullshitting around with these fucking terms. You would be like "YES. And here is my argument." Instead, you insult both of our intelligence by attempting the most ultra-last ditch of salvage operations on your weak-as-shit argument.
People on Myspace and Facebook who are homely, ugly, or just plain goofy looking who post several new closeup pics of themselves, usually with the camera held at arm's length, EVERY FUCKING DAY, so it shows up on your "updates" column. "Hey, guys! Check out my new sunglasses. I took 8 pics so you can all see how awesome they look with my potato sized nose, weak chin, mono-brow, lazy eye, horrific acne, and female pube-stache!"
Dumb debaters who don't shut up and don't realize when they have been completely trounced and had their argument completely shut down. It's a shame that you can't actually deal a knockout punch by debating.
Condom ads that make the claim that, "It feels like you're not wearing anything at all!" You're full of shit, and you know it, right? I mean, there are some that feel better than others, but the best condoms in the world still feel like you're fucking a warm water balloon.
People who hate where they live and never move. Look, if you have been bored as shit and annoyed with the yokel retards around you for the last 30 years, and where you live isn't a prison cell, GET THE FUCK OUT.
"Hey, man, I haven't seen you since high school. What's new?"
"Pffft... Nothin'. Nothin' new ever fuckin' happens here."
"THEN FUCKING MOVE!"
Houseguests or dates or other people who you are trying to keep entertained, who eat weird shit at weird times.
"Hey, it's 12:30. Wanna grab some lunch?"
"Nah, I just had my breakfast at 10."
"Uhhh, you want to eat later or something?"
"Actually, I eat a big breakfast and then don't eat again until like 8 or 9pm, but you can eat something if you want, and I totally won't sit there and stare at you and make you feel really weird and rude for eating in front of me."
People who, when you walk into the room, give you that distinctive, paranoid, "Huh?! What do you want?" look. Like, I understand if you are relaxing at home in your boxers, scratching your balls with one hand and eating corn chips with the other, as you watch old reruns of "Saved By The Bell," and then suddenly, I bust through the door wearing nothing but a duct tape bikini and a gorilla mask, and then run up and jump up on your coffee table and stand over you in a "ready" stance, and just silently stare at you, then yeah, the "What do you want?" look is fully warranted. But if I walk into our shared work space, a subway car, McDonald's, a bar, a bookstore, or some other public area, giving me that "Holy fuck! What?!" look is just fucking weird.
Office collection cheap asses
"Hey, uhh, as you know, Bob has been out of work for about three months due to his kidneys, and he's going to need a transplant, and he's having a really hard time making ends meet, so we decided to do a collection to see if we could help him out. The ten of us have already put in. Do you want to put something in for Bob?"
"Sure. Here's a 20."
"Thanks. That brings the total up to $32.43"
"What?"
Programs that automatically check online for updates, or more to the point, new versions for you to buy from them, that have a little alert that says "So you want to get the update now?" and there's a little box to check that says "Do not remind me again." This check box apparently means "Remind me again, whether I check the box or not."
People who, when you talk to them, stare at your tie or your hair or your collar or something else and you start fucking up what you were saying because you're distracted by wondering if you look like a slob.
Towns where last call is 1am.
"No, no, no. That's enough fun for you. You have to go to work tomorrow. Our economy depends on you dragging your ass out of bed tomorrow early so you can make widgets for eight hours. Don't be late!"
I have always thought black metal was the goofiest shit ever, but that took on a whole new dimension when I saw this interview. The lead singer of this band said that he was disappointed when the fans just showed up for the music, because the message was so much more important. The message, apparently, is, "HRRRAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! HURRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! WHUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRR!!!!!"
The internet forum ultra-say-anything-super-devil's-advocate-hyper-vitriolic factor. There is something about internet forums that makes people insane, and I'm not 100% sure that it's always just a put-on to troll or spur conversation. Like, they think, Hi! I'm anonymous, and now I'm going to say the most evil, hateful thing you have ever heard.
ActualContributor: "... and that's how we could have a healthier balance of state and federal control while still preserving personal freedoms."
OtherActualContributor: "Yeah, I agree with what you said about the courts. It reminds me of the system you find in places like Holland."
CrazyGuyWhoComesOutOfNowhere: "I think what we should have done was ally with Hitler in WW2 instead of fight with the allies. That way we could own Europe and I could live there instead of The US, because I can't stand being here with all the damn Mexicans anymore."
ActualContributor: "WTF?"
So uhh.... Sarah Palin's knocked-up teenage daughter and her goofy mullet-headed boyfriend had their baby. And, uhh... They named it Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston.... Tripp... OF COURSE they named it Tripp. Fucking rednecks. Just name it anything. Trig, Pencil, Track, Trap, Skirt, Shed, Crate, Beef, Trick, Scrit. Who gives a shit? Just name the fucking thing. It doesn't have to be the name of a human being, just something that would be quick and easy to yell at the brat when it misbehaves at Walmart.
Orange popsicles. Stop it. Nobody wants that shit. You're making a product that everyone hates. I mean, I assume the artificial grape and cherry flavors and colors aren't more expensive than orange, so what are you trying to accomplish by making one third of every box of popsicles something that people despise? You make the pack with the red, purple and orange popsicles, and the red ones go right away, followed by the purples. Then the person goes to the freezer, mouth watering, and sees that all that's left are the orange ones. At that point, they stop and are confronted by a possible change of plans. "Hmmm... I really want a popsicle, but if it's orange, maybe it's not worth it. But, well, I paid for the box, and I hate to waste food, and I might as well use these up to make freezer space for the next box... Fuck. Fuckin' orange." If you made a box of popsicles that was nothing but orange, it would be the slowest selling thing in the case, right behind "Free-Zee Bat Frozen Guano on a Stick."
Hipsters who wear tee-shirts of the shittiest bands ever, to be ironic. No, see, Motley Crue isn't so shitty that their tee-shirt is cool. They're so shitty that you're a dipshit for owning their tee-shirt. What's the fucking point in spending 28 bucks on a tee-shirt for a band that you wouldn't spend a dollar on their CD if you saw it in the clearance bin? But wait, there's a double dose of irony, because you think Motley Crue is shitty... but you LIKE Panic at the Disco. Fuck you.
People who speak authoritatively on topics which they are clearly ignorant about.
"Wow, that 'March of the Penguins' was amazing. What's weird to me is that cold blooded animals can live in that environment without freezing solid."
"Uhh, birds are warm blooded."
"No they aren't. Only mammals are warm blooded. Do you see any hair on a penguin? You need hair to keep your temperature up."
"Uhh... Actually, hair just retains heat. The heat comes from the body metabolizing food."
"Look. Only mammals are warm blooded. You need to be warm blooded to give live birth."
"Uhhh, then I guess you're saying that many fish and snakes are warm blooded?"
"Fish and snakes don't give birth to live offspring."
"Some do. You never had guppies in your fish tank growing up?"
(Long contemplation)
"If they give birth to live young, then yes, guppies are warm blooded."
Old people who do annoying or reprehensible things, and their excuse is that they have always done those things, so why should they stop now?
"What? I've smoked cigars in McDonalds and farted loudly and picked my nose indiscreetly and taken fists full of breath mints off restaurant desks where I'm not even eating and patted women I don't know on the ass and casually dropped the 'N-bomb' in normal conversation for years! Who are you to tell me not to?"
Dumb nicknames
Did you ever have some retard try to give you some dumbass nickname that was just completely ill-conceived and irrelevant, and then had them try to make it stick?
"Hey, Michael!"
"Sup."
"Heh, Michael the Pickle!"
"Huh?"
"That's what I'm gonna call you! Hah! Michael the Pickle!"
"Pickle... What? I don't get it."
"Heheh, what's that, Pickle Man?"
"Uhhh... I don't eat pickles. I don't even like pickles, but I don't hate pickles enough to make it worthy of comedy, and I don't see any pickles around to make you think of pickles... I'm not wearing a green shirt... It doesn't even fucking rhyme! So... What's with the pickles? I don't get it."
"Michael the PICKLE! Hah!"
"Whatever."
Six years later, when you bump each other...
"PICKLE MAN!"
"What the fuck?"
Today in the news: Apple cutting some iTunes prices (also see video... because this is so important that we at MSNBC needed to make a video in addition to the 4-screen tall article about it).
"Since when is msnbc in the business of hawking shit for Apple? This isn't news," thinks Neg, as he downloads 40 different bands' entire discographies plus bootleg concerts, b-sides and videos... FOR FREE. Yeah, sorry, Apple, but you can make it as cheap as you want, but you're still in direct competition with FREE.
People who use Skype or Ventrilo who have a microphone that makes it sound like they live in a house full of ceramic tiles, screeching cats, clothes dryers full of pots and pans and wailing feedback, who, when you say, "Dude, your mic is fucked up," reply, "Yeah, it sucks... SO AS I WAS SAYING... SCREEEEEEE"
The way that people who claim moral authority are usually immoral, even by their own definitions.
Movies where they make the characters so simplistic that you can effortlessly psychoanalyze them.
"Oh, see, that's why he struggles with relationships. He's thinking about when his judgmental mother died."
Bullshit. I mean, I know the movie's only an hour and a half long, but nobody is so transparent that you can watch them for a few minutes and know things about them that a best friend might not even know.
People who ask for help in a passive aggressive way like, "Hey, are you busy? What are you doing?" Like you're accountable to them. They act like you not doing something they think is important means you ARE going to help them. Uhhh... What am I doing? I was sitting at my computer looking at dumbass viral videos... and no, that doesn't mean you're getting free help with your bullshit paper.
Weird authority figures at work who make your life difficult with their unfounded perception of you.
You're taking the elevator to your office. On the third floor, a high level manager gets in. You smile a completely un-weird smile, don't avoid eye contact, but don't give them hard, challenging eye contact, and say in a calm, friendly and agreeable, but not pushy tone, "Good morning."
"Good morning," they reply, in a similarly amiable way.
The elevator comes to their floor, and they make eye contact, so you smile and say, in the same polite way, "Have a good day."
"You too." They get off the elevator and the doors close.
A couple of hours later you get a phone call from another manager who is a lower level than the first, but above you.
"Hey, did you see David Ross today?"
"I think I saw him in the elevator."
"I just came out of a planning meeting that he was in and after the meeting, he pulled me aside and said you were 'difficult.'"
"Huh?"
"Did you say something rude to him or something?"
"I think I said good morning."
"Did you say it sarcastically or something?"
"Of course not. I know who he is. There's no way I would think of doing something insulting to him."
"Well, whatever it was you said or did, he didn't like it, so be careful how you act around him."
"Uhh, okay."
"Talk to you later. be careful how you talk to people."
"Okay. Talk to you later."
Boss hangs up. You hang up.
"What the fuck?"
That one annoying drunk girl at every party whose grating, high pitched, birdlike cackle can be heard clearly, and twice as loud over the din of clamoring voices.
Jan 28 news: The economy is falling apart. A quarter of a million jobs have been lost this month. There is a rash of suicides due to people being out of work... And one rich couple who has ten dogs spent 150 thousand dollars to clone their dead dog. You know.... You could have gotten a new dog from the pound for 50 bucks. And I think I should state the obvious. A clone of your old dog isn't your old dog. It's still a new dog that you've never met before, and who doesn't know who the fuck you are. Not only that, but your first dog died of cancer, so now you have a second dog that will probably die of cancer. 150 grand for probably less than a decade of new dog. IT'S JUST A FUCKING DOG! And rich people wonder why the poor hate them. Let them eat cake, indeed.
One-track-mind managers. Like, they have on their plates tasks A, B, C and D, but they can't think of anything past task A, regardless of its real importance, and their whole world grinds to a halt until they get it done.
"Oh, uhh, could I get our sales totals from last Thursday? I need them for a meeting next week."
"Sure. That will just take a minute to do, but first I have to count this cash drawer, because I can't leave the money sitting out."
"Okay."
Two minutes later....
"Did you get those totals yet?"
People whose justification for believing in religion is, "Well, it's true for me." Things are not real just for you. They are real, or they aren't. If you're right, then every other philosophy is wrong. If you didn't nail it, then you're wrong. You don't have a "differing opinion." You're just wrong. What is real is not dependent on how you feel about something. Your feelings about things should reflect, and be affected by reality, because thinking that it works the other way around is delusional.
A guy in a blue suit is standing in a white room. In his right hand, he is holding a red ball. He drops the red ball, lets it bounce twice, then catches it in his right hand.
What happened?
If you report anything other than exactly what I just said, it's not that you have a different, but equally valid opinion. You're wrong. If you recall that there were two men in a brown room and one of them was wearing a red suit and the other was wearing a green suit, and the man in the red suit bounced a blue ball five times and then it was caught by the man in the green suit in his left hand, either you really weren't paying attention at all, or there is something seriously wrong with your mind. "But, I feel in my heart of hearts that the one man blue suit white room red ball two bounce theory just can't be right." Well, you're wrong, and how you feel about it is irrelevant. "But I wouldn't want to live in a world where the one man blue suit white room right hand red ball two bounce theory was true." Well, too fucking bad. If, as in the case of religion, a billion people believe what you believe, and not what really happened, guess what? YOU'RE ALL WRONG. A billion people being wrong about something in the same way doesn't mean they're right, or that they have an opinion that is valid and should be respected. They're just wrong, and should be corrected. The proposition laid forth by Christianity is as follows: God has existed forever, created the universe in less than a week, 6000 years ago, and made humans in his own image. This is almost definitely wrong. Perhaps even more incredible than this batshit-insane story is the fact that people today believe this account of the actions and demands of the creator of the universe which was spread mostly through oral tradition by people who were completely ignorant of things like dinosaurs, germs, genes, the size and shape of the earth, and the list of things they knew nothing about goes on and on. What are the odds that these people, whose lives were ravaged by their basic ignorance about pretty much everything more advanced than feeding goats, got the entire history of the universe, and the creator's sayings, likes, dislikes, demands, and promised punishments and rewards... EXACTLY RIGHT? Pretty fucking slim. Now, the universe and life and the diversity of species obviously had to happen SOME way, so how did it happen? This is not a matter of opinion. It began SOME WAY. It couldn't have happened 100 different ways that are all equally valid opinions, and it almost definitely was not perfectly figured out by ignoramuses from 2000+ years ago who wouldn't know a double helix if it grew to the size of a skyscraper and started singing Bon Jovi songs while doing backflips. "Vanilla ice cream is delicious" is a matter of opinion. "The creator of the universe will send you to hell forever for not kissing his ass in the ways described in this book," is a statement of facts, not opinion, and the odds of these facts, that were written by people who knew next to nothing about anything, being correct are pretty close to zero.
Dumb Amazon recommendation of the day:
"Oops, I Did It Again" by Britney Spears. Recommended because you bought "I Am Not A Doctor" by Moloko.
Looking for irrational guilt, fear, tribalizing prejudice and suspicions, the termination of your real learning process and unfounded assurance?
Give religion a try.
Looking for an eye-opening, mentally transformative experience that will radically alter your perception which you will always remember and will blow away anything else you have ever experienced?
Give LSD a try.
Retards who you can't give anything to, because you KNOW they will lose or break it. Like it's a 100% probability. It's just a matter of time.
"Here's your two-way radio... Now, don't lose it, okay?"
"Okay," the guy scoffs, as if to say, "Pffft, I'm an adult. What? You think I'm retarded?"
Two weeks later...
"Dude, where have you been? I've been trying to get a hold of you all morning? Is your radio on?"
"Uhhhh..."
"You lost it, didn't you?"
"Yeah..."
People who keep talking after you tell them you need to use the restroom. Like, if it wasn't urgent, I would just wait for you to stop yapping and go later, and you would never even know I had to go. The fact that I'm telling you at all should be a clear indicator of the urgency of the situation.
"Do you have a minute?"
"Actually, could I get back to you in a few minutes?"
"I just wanted to go over our expense reports for last week."
"Okay, I'll be right back. I need to use the restroom."
"So I was looking at the expense reports for last week and I see a few things that are unaccounted for."
"Okay, look. Right now, a huge loaf of super-soft shit is trying to pry my ass cheeks apart like one of those carnival strongman shows where the dude bends the steel bars on his cage, and all of my physical and mental energy is currently being spent trying to prevent my pants from being filled up like custard being piped into an eclair. If I'm trying to focus on holding my shit in, I'm going to be too distracted to give you a good answer, and if I break that concentration, I'm going to shit my pants, and then we're both going to be far too distracted to think about the expense report. So, uhh, I'll be right back, and I promise this little meeting will be much more productive than it would be if I shit my pants."
Christians who say "Merry Christmas" in a sideways, "so there" kind of way, so the transparent implication is, "Merry Christmas, you fucking heathens. Not your secular 'Happy Holidays' bullshit! This holiday is all about MY beliefs, particularly my belief that I need to assert the dominance of my religion at every possible opportunity."
Look, I might be an atheist, but I do enjoy Christmas (at least the parts of Christmas that are actually enjoyable). Christmas means to me what it means to pretty much every other American who celebrates it. Namely, it's all about buying presents for people to make them happy, hoping I get back presents or a piece of ass of comparable value, despising the mall, despising the mall parking lot more, eating and drinking with family and friends and staying indoors as much as possible because it's fucking cold outside. So pass the fucking eggnog, assholes. It's not all for you, and there sure as fuck wouldn't be any liquor in it if Christmas was all about Jesus.
Business computers that are clearly capable of reporting, but don't create any reports about anything that would be useful.
"How many hamburgers did I sell today?"
"Uhhh, the computer doesn't record that, but apparently 67% of people who ordered hamburgers got cheese on their burgers."
"Okay... But how many customers did we have?"
"Uhhhh... 256,425."
"What? Today?"
"No. Ever."
"How many today?"
"Oh, it doesn't record that."
"Hmmm... How much money did we make in November compared to October?"
"It doesn't record that."
"What does it record?"
"Oh look! It recorded the number of times female employees pressed the 3 key vs how many times the male employees pressed the 3 key."
"Pfff! Really? And what does it say?"
"It's about the same."
Party DJ's who play "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" at corporate semiformal Christmas parties in New York City.
Any poll that is rigged by excluding obvious strong contenders. Comedy Central has this "Stand-Up Showdown" shit where you get to vote for your favorite comedian. The guy who's winning is that fuck with the puppets. A close runner up is Mitch Hedberg, which makes sense, but if you can vote for dead guys, WHERE THE FUCK ARE GEORGE CARLIN, BILL HICKS AND RICHARD PRYOR? Also missing are people like David Cross, Sarah Silverman, Doug Stanhope, and pretty much most seasoned comedians you can name. In their place are tons of comedians who nobody has ever heard of, even the retards who think of Comedy Central as an authority on comedians, as indicated by the single digit vote tallies. Basically, lots of people who left an indelible mark on stand-up comedy are ostensibly missing, but every doofus "Hey, I'm a really, really fat guy with a Hawaiian shirt and no neck and a million fat jokes!" asshole is there with 3 votes apiece. It's like having a poll for best American presidents and excluding Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt, FDR, Truman, and Kennedy, but leaving in names like Harding, Buchanan, Nixon and George W. Bush.
On a side note about comedians, I'm tired of Kathy Griffin being unduly given this contrived image as an "edgy" comic. She's edgy if you compare her with Oprah, but her whole act is like reading People Magazine with a slightly sarcastic tone in your voice. She's so edgy that she dares to tackle such unmentionable topics as, "Boy, men and women sure are different, am I right?" and "Hey, let's talk about celebrities I've met, and bring up my resume in the process," and "My aging mom is lovably crazy," and "Boy, the Osmonds sure are weird." HOLY SHIT! YOU CAN'T SAY THAT! YOU'RE FUCKING EDGY AS FUCK! HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!
These retards on AIM and MSN...
Flowbee29: dude, neg, are you gonna put your fuck canada page back up?
Negposorg: no
Schmelvin9882: neg! I miss the canada page. are you ever going to put it back?
Negposorg: no
Glankensprock: hey neg! just wanted to say I like your site
Negposorg: thanks
Glankensprock: I think my favorite thing was the canada page. are you ever going to put it back?
Negposorg: no
Transgenderteenwolf: hey neg, are you ever gonna put the fuck canada page back?
*exit AIM*
On an amusing side note, my Blackberry thinks "Transgenderteenwolf" is a misspelling of "transgressions," which is kind of suitable, in a twisted kind of way. But yeah, the Canada page had not been updated in a long time, and I really wasn't interested enough to keep working to keep it fresh just so some frat boy from Alberta could get all red in the face. Political humor is funny when it's fresh, and when it's not fresh, it's like those retards who still make Monica Lewinsky jokes.
Comedians and actors from a long time ago who are credited as being comedy pioneers, and you can't really find anything they did that was actually funny at all.
Comedians and actors from right now who are the hottest rising stars in comedy, and often land tons of movie deals, full-time roles on SNL and other sketch comedy shows, sitcoms, etc. And they are only slightly amusing with a huge team of writers backing them up, and aren't even kind of funny on their own.
The fact that a lot of Americans who whoop and howl about America being all about freedom and liberty are also for the war on drugs, against abortion, against gay marriage, against free speech, for the death penalty, for torturing anyone the government labels an "enemy combatant," against basically all immigration, for suppression of political movements they disagree with, for suppression of ideologies and religions other than their own, for establishing Christianity as the official national religion as a means of oppressing people who don't conform, for establishing English as the official national language as a means of oppressing people who don't speak English, for Guantanamo Bay, for the Patriot Act, against people who disagree with the government, for the expansion of police power, against art, for banning books, against interventions that might truly make foreign people more free, for interventions that make foreign people less free while protecting or expanding American corporate interests, and are often racist or sexist... The list goes on and on. Ask one of these assholes with their fucking awful American flag cowboy shirts what freedoms they actually support sometime. "Uhhhhh.... I support the right to own a gun... and, uhhhhh... I support the right to say The Pledge of Allegiance and wear a flag pin and take off your hat and put your hand on your heart when they sing The Star Spangled Banner at a baseball game... And uhhhh... Did I mention guns yet?" So you can wave your flame-retardant flag all you want, but you sure as fuck don't believe in freedom or liberty.
People in this day and age who hold up the line because they still don't quite get the concept of metal detectors.
"Take off anything metal you might have on you and put it in the bin, then step through the gate."
*BEEP BEEP BEEP*
"Do you have anything metal on you? Cell phone?"
"Oh, yeah, sorry."
*BEEP BEEP BEEP"
"Step back through the gate. Any other metal?"
"Oh yeah, sorry. My keys."
*BEEP BEEP BEEP*
"Oh sorry. I forgot about those ten rolls of quarters I had in my back pocket."
*BEEP BEEP BEEP*
"Whoops. Forgot about that steel ingot in my jacket pocket."
*BEEP BEEP BEEP*
"Oops! Yeah, forgot about my dinner-plate-sized commemorative Dale Earnheart belt buckle."
*BEEP BEEP BEEP*
"Ahh, yeah. That must be my big clunky Mister T necklaces."
*BEEP BEEP BEEP*
While it bugs me when people name their babies overtly pretentious bullshit like Chaz and Søren, worse are people who, in 2008, name their newborn babies names like Johnston, Harriet, Mable and Rose. How about naming your kid something that they won't have to be a senior citizen to grow into?
Christians who try to press the argument for prayer in school by dishonestly painting themselves as victims of discrimination. "But our kids aren't allowed to pray in school!" Bullshit with a capital B. Your kids can pray wherever and whenever they want. What isn't allowed, and shouldn't be, is a publicly funded school sanctioning prayer. You can't have the principal or school chaplain or whatever get on the intercom and say, "Okay, students, it's 9:30. Time to bow our heads and pray." School is a place to give children the tools they need to learn how to think, not what to think. If your kid wants to pray, he will, and he will be perfectly free to do so. If your kid doesn't want to pray, he shouldn't have to explain to his peers why he doesn't bow his head and murmur during a sanctioned prayer time.
Oh, and on a side note to this:
"What's with these damned atheists trying to get 'under God' taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" First off, "Under God" was added during the Red Scare to distinguish the US from those "Godless Communists," which is pretty goofy. More importantly... Why are kids made to say the Pledge of Allegiance anyway? Pledge Allegiance? If my government is good, sure, I'll be loyal and supportive to it, but if it sucks, then no, I'll fight against it or leave. Why make a five year old say the Pledge of Allegiance? Same reason you start forcing religion on him at that age, because that's when his head is still soft and he'll believe any dumb shit an authority figure tells him. "Be a nationalist! Be a good Christian! Santa is watching you!" Bullshit.
Conservatives who sarcastically "congratulate" me for Obama's victory. "So, you got your guy in," they say with obvious disgust. Look, we spent the last eight years absolutely ruining this country with your dumb, self-serving ideas. It's time to give something else a try.
Un-asked-for charity. You walk into the office on a Monday morning and find on your desk a pile of neckties. The lady you work a couple of desks away from says that her husband doesn't wear them anymore, and that you can have them.
Gee, thanks. So you were cleaning out closets this weekend, and found some ties that were too crappy for your husband, and weighed your options of throwing them away, giving them to the Salvation Army, or to me. You apparently deemed that I was more in need of ties than the Salvation Army, as my own ties leave much to be desired, so you brought them to me, since I obviously can't afford to buy my own. Of course, you expect me to wear these ties, so you can see them and think, "Oh, that's one of those crappy ties I got rid of." Thanks.
Guys who are all hoity-toity about tying their necktie in an unusual way that they read in some dumbass magazine like GQ or Maxim - you know, magazines for pinheads who have nothing more interesting to think about than which buttons to button or not button on a suit jacket.
"First you hang the ends down so the wide end is about eight inches lower than the skinny end. Then you wrap this around here, and fold this part over that part and make a one inch zig-zag fold here and then wrap this part around it, then you flip this part around here and wrap this part around that part two times, then put this part through this loop, then make a square knot in this part and then wrap that part around it twice, then tuck this end through there, then pull it tight. So as you can see, it looks great - JUST LIKE IF YOU TIED IT THE WAY EVERYONE ELSE TIES A TIE!"
Christians who are against abortion and embryonic stem cell research, due to the assumption that the soul enters the zygote at the moment of conception, which makes this cluster of cells worthy of the same rights as a fully formed person. But most of these same people think that someone going to a fertility clinic for in vitro fertilization to is a beautiful thing, despite the fact that they will fertilize many ova in the process, maybe a dozen or more, and maybe only one or even none of them will become a baby. Congratulations. You are have just "murdered more babies" than almost anyone who has had an abortion. Of course, I say this facetiously, since most fertilized eggs never end up becoming babies anyway. Most of the time, fertilized eggs just die, or will be flushed away during a woman's period. I guess that makes God by far the most prolific murderer of babies of all. By the way, sorry that I've been on a "bash religion" tear lately, but it's been a while since I was in a good, rational debate with someone. Religious people seem to be running amok with irrational ideas lately, more than the norm, which is far from rational.
My general instinct is to hold doors for people rather than let the door slam their faces, and while I don't expect or even want gushing gratitude, if you think you're going to just walk through without a thank you, a look, a smile, a nod, OR EVEN NOTICING ME, as though the door just magically stayed open by itself, you can go fuck yourself.
Me, age 0-18:
Me: "Poopy."
Mom: "WHAT? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? WE DON'T SAY THAT KIND OF FILTH IN THIS FAMILY! GET OVER HERE! I'm gonna wash your mouth out with CHLORINE BLEACH!"
My younger sister, age 12-present:
Sister: "Fuckity fuck cuntfart mcfuckity shitcock twatsnot fuckin' jizzbag snatchnuggets tits diarrhea eater dick fuckin' clitscab buttfucker!"
Mom: "Tee-hee! You're so silly! You are such a funny girl! Funny and smart! How did I ever get such a creative child?" *hug*
The "hater-by-default" factor on sites like youtube, myspace videos, etc.
Someone posts a video. The video is 30 seconds long and features an average looking guy performing some planned stunt or skit that seemingly most people would find funny. (It's not one of those videos that are famous because they're horrible, such as the Star Wars Kid or Chocolate Rain.) Then you look at the comments. For every "Haha, that was funny" there are 100 people saying shit like,
"You look like a faggot."
"Retard."
"What kind of shirt are you wearing? It looks stupid."
"Your accent is annoying."
"Your fat."
"Is that your mom in the background? She looks like a fat dyke!"
"Why would you do that? I hope you die!"
"Fuck you, cunt!"
"What a stupid faggot."
"Why don't you buy some soap, you zitty sack of shit?"
"FAKE!"
Bands who have no ambition to be anything more than a local band. Whoop-dee-doo! You're the hottest Phish cover band in Eastern Tinyville, Oklabama. Who gives a shit?
Retards from Sarah Palin's "Real America," who think that the reason people in big metropolitan cities like New York vote for Democrats is because they're a bunch of soft, sissy liberals who don't give a shit about national security. Listen to what you're saying and use what the years of alcohol and crystal meth has left of your brains and think for five seconds. Who do you think the target of terrorism is? YOU? Right. Let's say some terrorist has built a dirty bomb. Where is he going to set it off? You think his list of targets includes Uncle Skeeter's Bait 'n' Tackle Shack down over there yonder by the "crick" at the end of some dirt road with no name in West Virginia 25 miles outside the nearest town, which, itself only has a population of 2000? Bullshit. You roaches would probably survive a nuclear war, just from the distance you are from civilization. "But what if Osama Bin Laden were to blow up the factory outlet mall in Dry Ridge, Kentucky? They got a Waffle House there! If the terrorists blow it up, I'll have to drive another 30 miles to get my hashbrowns smothered, topped, chopped and scattered!" Look, Billy Bob. Don't fucking worry about it. WE'RE the target. Nobody really even cares about you. Not even dim-witted politicians from the "Meth Capital of Alaska."
People who, when you patiently explain a philosophical concept in terms a four year old can grasp, still don't get it.
"If God is omniscient, and has a plan..."
"Uh-huh..."
"Then at the beginning of the universe he knew that I would be born..."
"Uh-huh..."
"And he also knew that I would grow up and be an atheist..."
"Uh-huh..."
"So if God exists, and is omniscient and perfect, and has a plan, there's no way I could have free will, because no matter what path I 'chose,' he knew in advance that I would 'choose' it, and in fact created me TO 'choose' to be an atheist, and will send me to hell for a destiny that he knew about, and indeed designed from the start."
"But yes you do so have free will!"
"Okay, look."
"Uh-huh..."
"Let's say I'm omniscient."
"Uh-huh..."
"And you flip a coin, and I know through my omniscience that it will land heads..."
"Uh-huh..."
"So since I knew ahead that it would land heads, it's not a random occurrence..."
"Uh-huh..."
"So it had to land heads. There's no other possible outcome. The notion of probability is out the window. It 100% has to land heads."
"What if I choose not to even flip the coin?"
"You can't fool someone who's omniscient. I would have known that the outcome would be you not flipping the coin. Your 'choice' not to flip the coin would, in fact, not be a 'choice' at all, but what I knew would happen."
(Failing to see the relationship to the previous argument.) "Uh-huh..."
"So if God knows everything, he knew before the universe even existed that I would end up being an atheist."
(Still failing to see where this ties in) "Uh-huh..."
"So there was no possibility but for me to be an atheist."
"Uhhhh..." (Blank stare)
"So if there was no other possibility, I could not have had the free will to choose otherwise. The outcome is exactly as he planned it."
"But yes you do have free will!"
"Okay, look. You believe that God knows everything, right?"
"Yeah."
"You also believe that he has a plan for everything, right?"
"Yeah."
"Then why pray?"
"Well, because God hears me and will make a way for me to get the things I want and need."
"Okay, look. If God knows everything, and has a plan, then you praying is pointless, because he knew long before you ever existed whether you praying to him was in his plan, and if him giving you stuff was in his plan."
"But, uhh, no, praying isn't pointless."
"It is if he's omniscient and has a plan, because the outcome would always be exactly the same as when he first laid out the plan. He even knew that some dude was going to pray to him at 8:23:14am November 2nd and pray for all the stuff you prayed for... So you didn't even have the free will to ask for the shit you asked for. It was all part of his original plan."
"But yes I do so have free will!"
"So you believe God can change his plan?"
"If he wants to."
"Then he can't be all-knowing."
"Yes, he is so!"
"If he was all-knowing, he would know how everything would turn out in advance, including his plan, so there is no way he could change his mind."
"Huh?"
"So even he can't have a free will, if he knows how everything will turn out."
"Huh? But yes he does so!"
"So basically you have to choose. Either God is all-knowing, or you and God have free wills, because it is impossible to have both."
"NUH-UH!"
Tiny towns full of old people with pristinely groomed lawns where the main industry and main use of land is cemeteries.
Recently MSNBC ran an article about the most notable discoveries about the ancient ancestors of humans. The article had many neat things about developments in hip and skull structures, teeth, and so on, and all-in-all was fairly interesting. What annoyed me was that before they even got through the first paragraph of the introduction, they gave this dumb, placating lip service to creationism, something along the lines of, "While many people believe that humans were designed by a supernatural creator, another theory is that humans evolved over a long period of time." Look. Just fucking get to the Australopithecus bones and shut the fuck up. Anyone who actually cares enough about his education to learn about this shit, even if only purely for the enjoyment of expanding his consciousness, probably doesn't buy the story about dust and ribs and talking snakes anyway, so stop insulting our intelligence. The two theories are on far from equal scientific footing, and are definitely mutually exclusive, so you can forgo the dumb disclaimer. Every adult who believes in either evolution or creationism is at the very least aware of the opposition of these two ideas, and the impossibility of both of them being true, so what's the fucking point? If you're going to make a news article that asserts things like the fact that the earth is greater than 6000 years old, or that humans share traits and genetic material with less developed organisms, just fucking do it. If you were doing an article on advanced math, you wouldn't waste valuable page space explaining concepts like "2 plus 2 equals 4," so why would you explain that, "Hey, just so you know, there are some people who disagree with this evolution stuff." No shit. They're wrong. They are as wrong as people who believe that 2 plus 2 does not equal 4, and it's staggering that their beliefs are treated with greater respect. Like, you wouldn't make a disclaimer in your math article that says, "Please be aware that some people do not believe that 2 plus 2 equals 4," you would just disregard them and their dumb opinions, because they're fucking retarded. You made an article that assumes, correctly, that modern humans evolved from earlier hominids, so have some fucking balls and just roll with it without taking time to coddle all the willfully ignorant, soft-headed retards who will disagree. Anyone who sends an angry email to the editor with some variation of, "Well, actually..." is fucking wrong. You know they're wrong. Anyone with a scientific education knows they're wrong. THEY'RE WRONG! Don't baby them for being wrong, just fucking disregard them.
The Windows registry.
"What the fuck! My computer is doing something really fucked up and annoying! I'd better look online to see if anyone knows how to fix the problem."
"Oh, just hit start, then hit 'run' then type 'regedit.' Then open the folder called HKEY_CURRENT_USER and dig way down all the hundreds of folders until you come to the folder called 873873UHD8947390748DJHFD8327KJHFD837. Open that and then search through the thousands of files with long gibberish names of equal length until you find the entry {CBU837436-6534654-49837-78DDC-5897FDE1RTB48}. Now delete that entry. Ok, now close regedit and restart your computer."
"OF COURSE! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?"
In November, '08, the heads of the American car manufacturers flew in their private jets to Washington to beg congress for 35 billion dollars to bail out their failing companies. So let's see if I have this straight. If I open a restaurant, but my business model is flawed, and my business fails, I lose my money, my employees will be out of work, and I will probably spend the rest of my life up to my eyeballs in debt. But if I run a corporation that has made shitty, poorly designed, gas guzzling cars that nobody wants for decades, and my profits decline, and my company could actually be considered partially to blame for the fact that America's economy is sagging, then I can sit there in my 3000 dollar suit and expect a huge handout. Makes sense to me.
Hate mail take-backs. Lately, I have received several requests from people who sent me retarded shit, which I posted on my page unaltered, and then years later, presumably after they finally got their first real job, they send me emails begging me to take their bullshit down.
From: Jack Beefytits
To: Negativepositive
April, 2002 Subject: FUK U FAGOT!
"OMG I FUKIN HAET U DUDE! UR NOTHIN BUT A FUCKIN FAGOT AND A JEW AND A JEW FAGOT WHAT JEWS AROUND ALL FAGOTY LIKE UR GAY OR SOMETHIN, U FAGOT! IF I EVER MEET U ON TEH STREET IM GUNNA BEAT YOU SO HARD THAT UR GUNNA GET BEAT REAL HARD CUZ I NO U CAN'T FITE CUZ UR A FAGOT! U FUCKIN FAGOT!"
From: Jack Beefytits
To: Negativepositive
October, 2008 Subject: Requesting removal of my email
"Good afternoon. A few years ago, I sent you an email which I regret, which was insensitive and inappropriate. I see now that you were right, and I apologize whole-heartedly for sending you this correspondence. Recently, I have started a job with a multinational corporation, and see that if my email is found by my superiors on the internet, it could embarrass me, and possibly even compromise my livelihood. Again, I apologize, and would greatly appreciate it if you would remove my email.
Best regards, J. Beefytits"
From: Negativepositive
To: Jack Beefytits
October, 2008 Subject: Re: Requesting removal of my email
"No."
[-+]
From Jack Beefytits
To: Negativepositive
October, 2008 Subject: Re: Re: Requesting removal of my email
"FUK U FAGOT! IM GUNNA FUKIN SUE UR ASS YOU FAGOT! I HOPE U FUKIN DIE! I HOPE SOMEDAY I MEET U THEN I WILL STOMP ON UR FAGOT ASS! SEE U IN CUORT FAGOT!"
Hey, if you're going to be a dick, don't be a pussy about it.
Comedians on Comedy Central. Yeah, it's ironic, I know, but you know what's funny? Filth. "Oh, hey, so great you could make it, Mr. Stanhope! We are so happy to finally be shooting a special with you, which will be interrupted with that annoying jazz song every five minutes as we go to a ten minute commercial break, which will feature all the same commercials in every break. I just wanted to talk for a sec before you go on. As you know, this is basic cable, so, you know how you usually tell hilarious bits about fucking midgets, and hookers having war-torn twats that look like someone kicked a hole in a rotting pig carcass, and the smell of hooker pussy while on a heroic dose of mushrooms, and needing to meet a two headed girl with new and interesting holes to fuck because it's the only way you can get off? Well, uhh, yeah, you can't talk about any of that. Nope. So uhhh, just stick to jokes about airports and fast food, maybe some Carlin-ish examination of an expression that if you think about literally it seems weird. Hell, just point out how weird the set looks. Yeah. Just nice fluffy stuff like that. Cool. Well, go out there and knock em dead... but, uhh, don't color outside the lines. Yeah, we know it won't really be funny, but we'll just dub in the laughter and applause later. Don't worry, nobody will know. This channel aims for the middle. In fact, nobody who regularly watches this channel even knows who you are. We don't get great comedians. We get lame comedians and make them stars. I mean, we gave Mencia his own show for fuck sake, and anything that retard has ever said that was mildly amusing, some better comedian said before him, and he just took it and repeated it to the ignorant people who watch us. So go out there and make 'em laugh... but not too much."
Christians who seriously don't understand how dumb circular arguments are. It works like this. How do you know the Bible is true? Well, the Bible says it is the word of God. How do you know the Bible is the word of God? Because the Bible says so.
I got in an argument with a fundamentalist recently who was trying to use this concept to "prove" the event of Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection. "Hundreds of people SAW him crucified, and then he was laid in the tomb, and then THE TOMB WAS EMPTY! Then he appeared before at least 500 people! How can you not take the testimony of 500 people, many of whom were disbelievers, as proof?"
I responded, "Because that is not the independent testimony of 500 people, it's the testimony of ONE BOOK, and that book could have said any number the author wanted."
How can I not see that as proof? Okay, let me introduce myself. I am Negativepositive, high priest of the Holy Church of the Almighty Glombrax. Glombrax is the son of the one true god, Grickencrack, and the book of Glombrax attests to this. Actually, that whole episode with Jesus being killed and resurrected was just plagiarized from the book of Glombrax, which is twice as old as the Bible, according to the book itself. You think 500 witnesses is a big deal? Well the book of Glombrax says that after Glombrax was killed by the second sun landing on him as he lay on his lawn chair drinking margaritas (this second sun was later flicked into deep space by Grickencrack to prevent it ever landing on the earth again), he lay dead, not for a wussy 3 days, but 20 years. In that time, one MILLION people got to line up and check Glombrax's pulse to make sure he was dead. Then, after 20 years, he rose from the dead, and this was witnessed by the same million people, ALL of which, previously didn't believe in Glombrax's divinity. 500? PFFFFT! Then he ascended into heaven in a solid gold flying Lamborghini. SEE? How can you not see the testimony of these ONE MILLION PEOPLE as proof that Glombrax is truly the son of the real god, Grickencrack? How? Because I just pulled it out of my ass, much like the Bible was pulled out of the asses of people who thought the earth was flat, that disease was caused by sinfulness, that stars were actually just tiny specks of light that could fall to earth, that Pi is 3.00, that the universe was a few days older than humanity (and that humanity apparently came long after it actually did), that the moon emitted light, bats were birds, rainbows never happened prior to an impossible worldwide flood, that some birds and insects have four feet, dragons, unicorns, giants were real, and on and on and on.
Okay, let's play devil's advocate for a second. Let's say that the Bible actually accurately recorded the individual testimonies of 500 independent people who believed they witnessed a miracle (which, of course, it doesn't even bother to do). How easy would it be to get 500 people in the first century to believe something preposterous? Fuck, FOX News does it every single day to millions of people with a far tighter grasp of reality than anyone in Jesus' time. Imagine that you could be sent back in a time machine to Jesus' time and show those people something from modern times. A fucking WHEELBARROW would knock these retards on their asses. "HOLY FUCK! I CAN LIFT UP A WHOLE 100 pounds of sand, and move it over to that other pile of sand! YOU MUST BE THE FUCKING SON OF GOD! HOLY SHIT, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! Check out my sand pile!"
People on Myspace or Facebook who invite you to groups that support causes or politicians who are of only a tiny local interest at best. "Join the group 'Citizens for the Bridge' (8 members) We are fighting the current state proposal that aims to tear down and replace the 20 foot long bridge that spans some creek you have never heard of on a road you have never and will never travel, in a town you have never and probably wil never visit, and looks like any other bridge, and has no particular historical importance, and we demand that the state instead spend much more money to restore the bridge, which has been deemed unsafe and on the verge of collapse. Help us in our fight!" WHO GIVES A SHIT?
Publishers and record labels that have 80 tons of bullshit that nobody gives a fuck about and one or two truly brilliant artists, who act like those few shining stars are of equal or even lesser importance compared with all the other shit they sell. "Welcome to the quarterly TVT records news letter for Fall of 1991. We have many exciting new compilations of TV theme songs for this year which we know you're going to love! We are trying to get the rights to the theme to 'I Dream of Genie' for volume 38, so keep your fingers crossed. Also, and I hardly even think it's worth mentioning, but the band Nine Inch Nails has submitted another album of new music to us, but we really don't think it's worth publishing. It just sounds like a bunch of moody noise to us, and frankly, we don't get it. We, of course, will hold Trank Reznik, or whatever his weird name is, to his contract to give us 5 albums which are worth publishing, but we will do so at our discretion, and honestly I wonder why we ever signed him to begin with. We really don't think this band is going anywhere."
<img src= "picture, usually of a cat, but often of another cute animal, doing something funny">
" "witty" dialogue with exaggerated misspellings and poor grammar "
Now copy and paste that 5000 times and you have a nearly exact replica of almost every "wacky pictures" sites on the internet.
"Wacky pictures" sites on the internet where someone took a normal picture and then used some extremely simple photoshop procedure, like using the stretch tool to make the subject's eyes "c-ray-zy," and then they post it like it's the most awesome thing ever. "Holy shit! It's a baby, but its eyes are CRAZYLOL!" *click next* "Holy shit! It's a picture, usually of a cat, but often of another cute animal, but its eyes are CRAZYLOL! Oh, and it's using "witty" dialogue with exaggerated misspellings and poor grammar, because clearly, it's CRAZYLOL!"
Bands that I never knew were good, and then I hear them and have my mind blown, only to discover that they only released like one or two albums and broke up 5 years ago, so I have nothing more to hear of theirs, and nothing to look forward to.
Bands that I heard in passing years ago, but for whatever reason, never followed up on, and then I get myself all twisted up thinking that they were really amazing, so I scour the internet trying to find what I heard, and of course this only happens with bands that had small releases, or vinyl-only releases, which ensures that I have to put forth tons of work, and often spend too much money, to find the music I heard, and either it's really good, but very short, or it's not nearly as good as I thought I remembered.
Creationists whose other misguided beliefs could be debunked through meaningful debate, if only they weren't creationists.
"Homosexuality is a sin. It is entirely unnatural, and a choice that people make in defiance of God!"
"Actually, if you look at lower animals, particularly higher primates, you find that there is a surprisingly high percentage of individuals that tend towards bisexuality and homosexuality. Even in animals as low on the evolutionary tree as birds and......"
*Dumb, self-assured smile*
"Oh.... Right. You think people aren't even related to other animals, and hence, think human behavior is entirely unrelated to animal behavior."
*Dumb, self-assured smile*
"And all these points, which would be evidentiary to someone who actually understands biology, are meaningless to you."
*Dumb, self-assured smile.... nod, nod, nod*
People who somehow believe in evolution AND creationism, or believe that evolution applies to plants, animals, etc, but not to people, since people aren't animals.
"Of course I don't believe that the earth isn't only 6000 years old, and I can see that higher, more advanced species developed over time from less developed species."
"So you can see that humans are somewhat closely related to great apes?"
"PFFFT! NO. People came from dirt and ribs, and were created in God's image. Don't you know anything?"
People who seem to believe in evolution when one of its concepts suits their argument. This is an actual conversation I had with someone.
"How can you say that homosexuality is natural? You don't see gay animals."
"Actually, you do. Oh, by the way, I didn't know you believed in evolution."
"I don't."
"Then why would you make a comparison between human behavior and animal behavior? If humans are not related to animals, animal behavior would be completely irrelevant to human behavior."
"Errr, uhhh, well, errr...."
"Although, if humans and animals had a shared ancestry, then yeah, human behavor would be directly related to animal bahavior."
"Uhhhh, errr, uhhhhh...""
Creationists whose understanding of evolution, and the basis for their arguments against it, is that a chimpanzee gave birth to a blonde, blue-eyed human child.
People who think that one of the most valuable skills you can have in modern America, and are a failure as a human being if you don't have, is the ability to shoot a gun well. Look, when the zombie armies come, then yes, firing a gun will be a useful skill, but most people can get through their 9-5 lives just fine without having perfect form with a gun. "Pfft, look. Her elbow is all wrong. She's gonna lose her bead when the gun kicks." Who gives a shit?
People who try to bargain by lying and exaggerating about the prices of things with relatively well known values.
"Man, why do I waste my money in your restaurant? I could go to Burger King and get a value meal with a Double Whopper with cheese, large fries and a large Coke for two dollars!"
Ummm, NO YOU CAN'T.
RPG videogames where you have to play for hours or even days or weeks before you get reasonably useful abilities. You make a character. At level 1, your list of abilities are apparently "Attack," and "Hope you live," though there doesn't seem to be a button for the second one. After several levels you gain a new ability: "Block." After several more levels you get another ability: "Heal 10% of your health for 50% of your magic." Of course, you advance along and at a quite advanced level, you finally have a list of abilities that you look at and think, "Gee, that would have been nice to have for the last 50 levels."
Reason #248 America is fucked
There is a very real possibility that the Stock Market could crash and send us into another Great Depression. Also, we are mired in two major wars with no end in sight, and the way that we have handled these wars, which were purportedly to make us safe from terrorism, have actually made us much less safe from terrorism, meanwhile, Americans are losing their liberties at an astonishing rate, as America looks more and more like a fascist state. What pressing issues are foremost in the minds of a frighteningly large cross section of voters? "We need to get someone in the White house who will ban abortion and gay marriage once and for all!"
You assholes. Who am I kidding? Should I expect rational thinking from people who would take their children out of public school to shield them from science classes that might teach them that Noah didn't chill with dinosaurs, giants and dragons? Yeah, silly me to assume people would actually be concerned with real problems that could affect them. (Oct 12,'08)
The recent saturation of ads on TV, billboards and the subway for airlines, where they act line the flight itself is going to be one of the best parts of your vacation. "We've got TV and wi-fi and satellite radio and delicious hot meals and seats that tilt all the way to being fully reclined. Holy shit! We've even got duvees! No fucking shit! Duvees on an airplane! Well fuck me runnin'! You're going to wish the flight would never end!" Then anytime you're actually on a plane, even on the airlines that make these ads, they have all the luxurious amenities of a fucking post office. Your knees are pressed against the seat in front of you, the meal is a can of soda and 0.002 ounces of pretzels and maybe, if you're lucky, they have a super shitty movie to watch on a tiny screen that's all cloudy and etched and fucked up from the time some brain trust tried to use an abrasive scrub pad to get a stain off it. Sometimes you get on a plane and it's visibly in a bad state of decay. Am I the only one who would rather not be flying in a plane that seems to be staying in the air simply by the power of duct tape and prayer?
Pretentious bosses who take up valuable time in meetings and ceremonies to pontificate about the company's "culture." Look, blow your new-agey bullshit out your ass. This company manufactures plastic forks. Who gives a shit? The Mayans were a culture. You're just a pretentious goober trying in vain to assign importance to something trivial. Let's see here. I showed up on time? I treated clients well? I did what I could to make the company money with minimal expense? The company is meeting or exceeding projected goals? Morale is on a reasonably even keel? Cool. Now you'll excuse me if I don't pretend to act like the company is of metaphysical importance to the universe and weave it into the fiber of my existence. "Culture?" Pfffft.
The large number of Americans who think that if you aren't a jingoist, you're not a patriot.
Friends who give themselves a schedule that essentially allows for zero free time, who then act bitchy with you because you can't ever seem to be able to schedule a time to meet up and hang out. Look. I'd like to hang out too, but I wasn't the one who decided to go out and get married and have two kids and work a full time job plus a part time job on weekends and also go to college full time plus take a kickboxing class three times a week. "Well, dude, I told you I was free from 3:45 to 5pm on Monday if you wanted to hang, but I guess you had something important to do. Pfft. Give me a call sometime, I guess."
People who, if gas rose to $18.62 a gallon, would still be like, "Pfff! Look at mister hippie dippy birkenstocks and his little pussy hybrid! Does it run on bean spouts? Haw!"
Bar flies who are incapable of walking into a bar without being kicked out 45 minutes after closing time because they won't get the fuck out on their own and keep nursing that last drink they bought at last call as though buying it gives them a divine right to sit there and be a loud jackass when the bar staff wants to close. "C'mon, man! You can't kick me out! I still have nearly a whole beer left!"
Girls who think that the sexiest thing in the world is a cop.
"Oh, baby! Remember last night when you busted that sweet house party at 9:30 because those people were committing the vile crime of being of age and drinking and playing a cool mix cd in the privacy of their own home, and then you threw that one guy to the ground and dragged him to jail for having a joint in his pocket, and then you and a bunch of other cops spent the next three hours searching the house for drugs and questioned the home owner until he was stressed to the breaking point because he had dared to have a few friends over? That was so HOT!"
Apparent prioritized design purposes for Legos:
1.) To create small objects with the maximum number of sharp angles and ideal size to hurt like a motherfucker when someone steps on them barefoot when they are left on the floor.
2.) To act as interlocking bricks which children can use to create structures and play with.
The fact that a search on Facebook or Myspace reveals that apparently the majority of my high school class has done nothing whatsoever since graduation but gain weight, have a bunch of goofy looking children, love the lord and root for the home team. And you wonder why I left?
Vending machines that don't have an option to refund your money when the item you want is out. If I walk into a store and want a Pepsi, and they're out of Pepsi and every other relatively non-disgusting soda, they don't force me to buy a fucking Sunkist because that's all they have left.
A couple of years ago, I was called to jury duty, and as expected, this helped to further diminish my hope for humanity. It was a criminal trial. Apparently, this guy called this other guy a name. This was witnessed by several people. The other guy then got in his car, drove to a sporting goods store and used his credit card to buy an aluminum baseball bat. (The store provided a copy of the transaction for evidence, which showed the guy's name. Also, the store owner picked the guy out of a lineup.) He then spent a few hours driving around looking for the name-caller. When he found him, he got out of his car and smashed the guy's face in with the bat. This was witnessed by many people, including two police officers, who wrestled the guy to the ground and got the bat away from him. The bat, of course, was brand new and matched the model of the one purchased a few hours earlier.
Plea: Not Guilty.
Vendors on sites like Ebay and Amazon who apparently ship things through some weird type of mail that is designed specifically to go as slowly as possible. Like, if I mail my landlord my rent on a Monday, he gets it of Wednesday or Thursday at the latest. But if I buy something from some vendors, they send it via "media mail," which apparently is a special type of mail where you go to the Post Office, and they use your package as a coaster in the break room for a couple of days, then ship it to a warehouse in Arizona that is guarded by vicious dogs. After a couple of weeks, they send a guy on a horse, Pony Express style, to pick up the package, and maybe his horse will die of thirst in the Arizona desert, in which case they wait another couple of weeks to send another rider. Once a rider actually makes it through the desert and successfully fights off the dogs and gets your package, he rides his horse to a nursing home in Columbus, Ohio. The package is then given to a 93 year old nearly-blind altzheimers patient who is verbally given instructions to take the west-bound R-18 bus to the 8th Street terminal, switch to the south-bound F-21 bus, the local, not the express, and get off at the 7th stop, walk 2 blocks east and 6 blocks south, then put it in the second mailbox from the south east corner of Limestone Blvd and Lime street. Three weeks later, the old man is found dead on a park bench, miles away from his intended destination, without the package, and a notice is sent to the vendor to ship a new copy. Then the process begins again, and continues until your package finally reaches you... or maybe not.
Recently in New York, there has been an advertising campaign to try to paint Islam as a peaceful, tolerant belief system that has been demonized by nothing other than Americans' ignorance of their beliefs, which seeks nothing but the respect afforded to any other innocuous belief system. The ads are laid out in two panels. The first has a relatively benign phrase in the form of a question, such as, "Head scarf?" or "Prayer rug?" The second panel says "You deserve to know," and has the group's web address, whyislam.org. Head scarf? Is that really one of the most serious questions plaguing the minds of Americans who are hesitant to see Islam through rose colored glasses? How about some real questions? Clitoral mutilation of children? Jihad? Honor killings? Beheadings? Stoning people to death? Lopping off people's limbs as a sentence for committing crimes that would be misdemeanors in the West? Mujaheed? Patently and often violence-inciting anti-semitic sentiment and satire in much of the mainstream Islamic media? Global conquest as a central doctrine? Huge swarms of people rioting in a murderous rage after being offended by the tiniest and most innocuous shit? Beating, killing, or raping women for having the audacity to show an inch of skin? Women being sentenced by tribal counsils to be gang raped as a punishment for their brothers' offenses? Suicide Bombing? House of War? Destroying significant historical artifacts that are older than Islam because they supposedly insult a religion that didn't even exist when they were made? Destroying statues and pictures for fear that their mere existence might lead to idolatry? Whipping and cutting yourself to a bloody pulp? Fatwas condemning Islam's critics to death? Jizya? Mohammed married a six year old and fucked her when she was nine, when he was 54, and in many Islamic countries, in the 21st century, the age of consent has been lowered to 9 in admiration of the prophet? Women as property? Women as second class citizens with a highly diluted set of legal rights compared to those enjoyed by men? Trying and sentencing rape victims to death by stoning, since, supposedly being raped makes them adulterers? Fathers and brothers murdering their daughters and sisters because having them fall victim to rape brings shame on the family? Death for apostates? You deserve to know. Why Islam? WHY, INDEED?
Things that would make multiplayer online games fun:
Strategy
Planning
Acquisition of interesting weaponry and equipment
Coordinated teamwork
How online gaming actually works in 99% of multiplayer games:
Spawn with a shitty weapon
Run around in a panic trying to find a better weapon
Get killed in one or two shots by someone you didn't even see after running around for 15 seconds or less
Respawn
Repeat
Any job that requires you to be there and working while most sane people are dead asleep. I mean, granted, when I pull off the interstate at 4:23am to buy a Slim Jim, some King Dons and a Mountain Dew, I'm glad there's someone around to sell them to me, but seriously, keep checking the classifieds.
Creationists on YouTube who try to "scientifically prove" creationism. I just watched this video by this tard who framed his argument in such a way that it rips itself apart. Of course, he apparently deleted all the negative comments and left up all the Christians who said he did a great job, and now he has comments blocked. Gee, that doesn't slant anything.
"Let's talk about time. If I tell you that I will give you a million dollars after an infinite amount of time, am I ever going to give you the money? No. Therefore, time has to be finite. Therefore, it goes the other way too. Time had to begin at a certain point, and the universe is made up of things, and things cannot exist outside of time, therefore God had to create the universe." Oh.... and God is not subject to time.... because you say so? I assume, since God has a name, you assume he's a "thing," and "things" cannot exist outside time, so God couldn't have existed outside of time, to "create" time, so, uhh, God doesn't exist, and never did. GOOD JOB. You proved it. Actually, you did prove something conclusively. You proved that you probably skimmed an article in a magazine that mentioned some basic concepts of Einsteinian physics, and apparently misunderstood it completely.
Realtors who are just flat-out liars.
"So I notice that the unit below this one is a Merengue bar, and the unit above it is a roller skating rink, and outside, 20 feet to the left is a NASCAR track and 20 feet to the right is a NASA rocket testing facility, and across the street is a shooting range where people can pay to shoot 50cal machine guns. Isn't it noisy?"
"Noisy? No. Nobody has ever said anything to me about the noise. The previous tennant used to say that it was very quiet and peaceful. OH! Did I point out the new bathroom fixtures?"
People who live in fear of doomsday scenarios that could in no way be altered by human actions. Someone just sent me a video warning me to "get educated" about the OORT cloud of comets, because sooner or later, a shitload of comets are going to hit the earth and wipe out all life on the planet. Uhhh... WHY? While I always like learning new and interesting things, what could possibly be the reason to try to implant fear and dread in people about something that there is no possible way to stop, and might not even happen for millions or billions of years. Do you really think humanity has that long? And if the shit happens TOMORROW, what good would it do to worry about it? What are you going to DO about comets smashing into the earth and annihilating all life on the planet in a single day? Hint: that Bruce Willis movie was ridiculous, at best. "You should educate yourself!" Yeah? Well you should calm the fuck down and have a slice of pie, because pie is delicious, and maybe you won't be here tomorrow to have a slice, but you' don't know either way. I'm betting you will take the slice of pie, and tomorrow you'll be back to have another slice. Lots of people since the dawn of human history lived until their dying days, worried every day about the "imminent" end of civilization. What did they all have in common? They were all worried unnecessarily, and now they're dead, so who cares?
Retards who haven't figured out that a video camera is not a regular camera, who TURN THE CAMERA ON ITS SIDE to frame the picture in "portrait" rather than "landscape." Hey, dipshit, this isn't a paper picture that someone can turn in their hands, you are posting this shit on youtube, and nobody is TURNING THEIR MONITOR ON ITS SIDE to see your retarded video of your baby laughing.
People who marvel at the amazing idea of bomb disarming robots. Sure, using a robot to get rid of a bomb is better than losing a human life, but every time a five dollar bomb annihilates a two hundred thousand dollar robot, we still aren't really winning.
The screaming, raving preacher on the street outside my office says that if I don't believe in Jesus, there's something missing in my life, and you know what? He's right. There IS something missing from my life... Most notably missing is the urge to stand on a street corner for hours every day and abandon all self respect as I scream and rave about imaginary things and annoy the shit out of passers-by and people in nearby offices who are trying to concentrate on actual work.
Oh, and there's this other guy who screams and shouts in the street near my work. He has spent about 2 hours a day, three days a week, for the past two years standing outside with a sandwich board with something or other written on it about some injustice or some corrupt official or something, shouting the same repetitive phrase over and over. It sounds like "BLUH-dee-BLUHHHHH! BLUH-dee-BLUH-dee-BLUHHHHHH!!!!" Yeah, in two years of practically tripping over this guy on my way out of the building, I haven't quite figured out what he's protesting. I mean, I'm sure he would be happy to tell me in detail what he's fighting for, but as it turns out, I'm not the least bit interested what some crazy asshole has to say about anything. Here's the deal. When there's 500 people with signs shouting a repetitive chant, it's a protest. When it's ONE guy, he's a fucking whack-job who needs pills.
On September 1st, the news broke that John McCain's vice presidential pick, Sarah Palin, had a 17 year old unwed daughter who was pregnant. It was the biggest news story of the day, drowning out such insignificant news as Hurricane Gustav. Of course, nearly everyone piped in on the news media that "Children are off limits. Palin's daughter's pregnancy should have no bearing whatsoever on how Palin's character or ability to lead are judged." A CNN poll was worded, "Should voters care that Gov. Sarah Palin's unwed daughter is pregnant?" Of course, the vast majority voted No. In fact, a few Republicans called the Democrats and media sexist for even mentioning it. You know, because no Republicans would ever stoop so low as to say anything sexist about Hillary Clinton or Nancy Pelosi.
And I fully agree that shit happens, and 17 year olds will occasionally ignore their parents' authority and fuck and get pregnant, and it's not the most conclusive way to judge the character of Sarah Palin, who, by the way, opposes ALL methods of birth control, including condoms, even for married couples. Surely this whole thing is completely out of her hands. And I also agree that voters should not be so focused on a candidate's spouse, children, or, even pastor. (Remember?) However, if this was the daughter of Barack Obama or Joe Biden, the Republicans would have taken it and used it as a sledgehammer to smash the Democratic campaign and demonstrate the egregious moral failings of liberals. It would be the key note of the ongoing Republican National Convention, and every speaker there would have alluded to it for a cheap laugh, and would have gotten nothing but cheers for doing so. If it was a Democrat, it would have cost them the election. Obama or Biden's illegitimate grandchild would have been their Donna Rice, their Willie Horton, their Swift Boat Veterans. But it's a Republican, so, c'mon, guys. Don't be so petty.
Oh, and a side note. The irony of this whole media blitz is hilariously hypocritical. The top story of the day on EVERY news media outlet in America: "Should the media be so focused on Bristol Palin's pregnancy? Well should it? Hey, let's talk about whether or not we should be focused on Bristol Palin's pregnancy, because I don't think we should be. What do YOU think about Bristol Palin's pregnancy? Do you think it's important? Here, take a poll about the importance of Bristol Palin's, daughter of vice presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, pregnancy. Oh, you don't think Bristol Palin's pregnancy is important? There you have it. Americans don't think Bristol Palin's pregnancy is important, or that it should be important. Bristol Palin is pregnant, by the way. She's Sarah Palin's daughter. But that's not important. It's totally unimportant and irrelevant... that Bristol Palin, the daughter of Sarah Palin, the republican vice presidential candidate, is pregnant... and unmarried. STOP PUNCHING YOURSELF! STOP PUNCHING YOURSELF!"
"Christian scientists" who make their primary goal the debunking of evolution. Okay, just for the fuck of it, let's say that you somehow disprove evolution. You still haven't come a single step closer to proving creationism. Where's your fossil record of snakes with vocal cords and lungs and brains big enough to handle human speech and reasoning? What, uhh, species of tree produces the fruit that gives the ability to determine what's good and evil, because that's the sort of shit that you could actually test. Oh, it was lost in Eden? Well, considering that we can pretty much see a fly on the ass of a racoon with satellites, Eden shouldn't be too hard to find, so, uhhh, you wouldn't happen to have a rough idea of the coordinates, would you? I mean, if the earth is only 6000 years old, that kind of stuff should be relatively easy to find, compared to dinosaur bones that are hundreds of millions of years old.
People who eat a hamburger or slice of pizza with a fork and knife.
Bands whose main purpose seems to be to get the word out. "Dude! Are you doing anything Tuesday? You should come see us play! I mean, I know we've been around for four years, and our play list has only grown by two songs in that period of time, and the two newer songs are covers, but dude! You should come check it out! Oh, and don't forget to check out our website. It has a blog where I tell you about upcoming shows and lots of links to where you can buy our music and merchandise. Oh, and there is a monthly video blog where I tell you about our creative process, and tell you about upcoming venues, but no music. Oh, and add me as a friend on Myspace, and subscribe to me on Youtube. If you do want to get video of us playing music, we have a DVD of us playing live, and it includes a video for one of our songs, shot entirely by me and my girlfriend without ever leaving the yard. Here, man! Take some stickers to, you know, spread the word!"
The most notable thing going on today is that the stock market is taking a beating following a run on a bank.
Front page headlines on cnn.com:
Lady finds snake in washing machine.
Which celebrity couples are the most green?
Check out our review of the new Batman movie!
What's the deal with Bret Favre?
On July 6th in a suburb of Atlanta, GA, a Pakistani man, Chaudhry Rashid, killed his 25 year old daughter by strangling her with an electrical cord because she refused to stay in an arranged marriage with a Pakistani man from Chicago. While the CNN and ABC articles did refer to the killing as an "Honor killing," the following words are ostensibly missing from both of their articles: Muslim, Islam, Islamic, Sharia, all of which are central to the concept of why this murder took place at all. Instead, the articles repeatedly tiptoe around the crux of the issue by referring to the incident as an act of domestic violence. While it is inargaubly that, it intentionally misses the point. Calling this simply an act of domestic violence would be like calling a nuclear bomb blast "unseasonably warm weather." Say what you will about my tolerance of different religions and cultures. If Mr. Rashid had been a Christian, Hindu, Jew, Bhuddist, Mormon, Taoist, etc, or, ideed, an atheist, Sandeela Kanwal would still be alive.
Radio stations where you have them on in the background, and then you realize the last song they played was "Freeze Frame" by the J. Giles band, and for at least the last ten minutes, they have played nothing but commercials, and you think, gee, is it really worth it to sit through ten minutes of the most annoying commercials on the planet, just so I can get to hear 'Hip to be Square' by Huey Lewis and the News? No. No it isn't.
Smarmy turds who say, "You know, diet sodas are actually much worse for your body than regular soda." Yeah, well, I'm sure soda in general is bad for your body, but this year I switched from regular soda to diet soda, and as a result, I dropped 25 pounds in five months, without altering anything else about my diet or level of exercise, and I'm sure that's really crappy for my body.
People who want to show you ultrasound pictures of their baby, or their sister's baby, or their wife's baby, and you haven't even met these people, and expect you to act excited. Look. I don't even want to see pictures of these kids running around Chuck E. Cheese's at their eighth birthday party, much less a blurry black and white blob of gibberish where you can sorta-kinda, if you squint, make out a hand or a head. Oh, wow. Maybe it's a leg... Or maybe it's your colon full of that Double Whopper with cheese you ate a few hours ago. I would be equally impressed to see a blurry black and white picture of either. When it's my baby, then yes, I will be happy to get visual confirmation that my son actually has a head, and only one head. When it's not my baby, it looks like every other ultrasound picture I've ever seen. How do I know you didn't just get that picture from Google Images? And what difference would it make to me if you did? "Wow... Your baby has some handsome JPG artifacts. Nice pixelation on that kid."
People who have a dumb milktoast concept of what it means to be "bad."
"Oh my god, I've been so naughty this week. I had not one, but TWO chocolate chip cookies after lunch!"
"Yeah, I was kinda naughty too. This morning I woke up on the floor of a public restroom stall, and I can't remember how I got there. I felt like shit, so I snorted some cocaine off the toilet seat for a little pick-me-up. Then I went outside and didn't see my car around, so I stole a car and went to see this guy who owes me money. He wasn't there, but his girlfriend was there giving me the run-around, so I head-butted her in the face and knocked her out and dug around her pockets and found her wallet with 250 bucks in it, plus an ATM card, and the stupid broad had written the pin number right on it, so I hit the ATM and took out a grand. Then I drove by this seedy neighborhood and picked up a couple of hookers and took em to this hotel and we all did a bunch of coke and fucked for a few hours with no protection. Then that guy kept calling my cell phone screaming about his girlfriend, and that shit got old, so I kicked the hookers out naked into the hotel hallway and drove back over to the guy's apartment and beat him bloody while his girlfriend just hid in the bathroom crying. So yeah, I was kinda bad today too."
"Oh, god! And did I tell you? I ate pizza today! God, my diet is so screwed!"
People who take on this air of superiority and act aloof about their jobs and try to push for more money because they "have other offers," and then end up never leaving because they're full of shit.
"What are you going to bring to the company picnic?"
"That's in what, two weeks? Pffft, right. Like I'll even be here by then. I'm about to blow this dump."
Three years later....
"Heh, this place can kiss my ass. I'm tellin' ya man, I am outta here."
Does the world really need another movie about a hot, prissy girl who falls in love with a hot urban guy while taking part in an over-the-top street dancing competition between rival break dancing gangs? Wait. Let me answer before you say something stupid. No. No it doesn't. (Insert "illegal auto street racing," "illegal underground martial arts tournament," etc. as applicable.)
Web filters at work that were apparently put into place completely arbitrarily by someone who didn't even look at the website.
I recently tried to view a website about Final Fantasy XI Online, and was met with the corporate "blocked site" page. On the page they show the corporate web usage policy and list the reason the website is blocked. "Reason: Hate and Racism. Your IP has been logged." What the fuck? So now H.R. Is going to see my name tossed into a list of people who were checking out pages for neonazi and white supremacist groups because I was looking for something about Final Fantasy?
"Please hold while the Nextel subscriber you are trying to reach is located... Please hold while the Nextel subscriber you are trying to reach is located... The Nextel subscriber you are trying to reach is currently unavailable." I mean, I'm no marketing expert, but maybe it's not the best idea to put your corporate branding on something that is directly indicative of how shitty and broken your service is. Oh, gee. Nextel is trying to locate them. Any other company's phone would be fucking ringing by now.
The fact that emails sent from my job are caught in the spam filters, but somehow "SexyGirl35681" who wants me to view her "private pictures" and "Karim al-Qusur" who claims that I "AM WIN CANADA LOTTERY" get through just fine.
People who are not actually participating in The Olympics, who act like The Olympics are of some vast importance. It's people playing sports, and most of these are sports that fucking nobody gives a flying fuck about except when they are in The Olympics. When was the last time you went to a bar and found the entire place fixated on the curling match on TV? When was the last time you hurried home from work so as not to miss the bobsled races or weightlifting competition on TV? That's right. Never. This year's summer Olympics are being held in China, amid tons of protest about China's human rights record. To the protesters I say, why protest now? Because of the Olympics? Who gives a shit? Why weren't you out protesting before? Oh, right. You get more visibility because of The Olympics.
On my way to work I saw people passing out religious pamphlets. This was nothing new, but the title of the pamphlet made me chuckle. "The Scam of Unbelief." Scam? Uhhh, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but there's no money that is inherently derived from not believing in fanciful things. So uhhh.... Where's the fucking scam? When was the last time a paleontologist said, "If you don't buy me a private jet, I can't do my work?" When was the last time a biochemist said, "No, the federal government can't see my financial records because they belong to God?" (Both of these claims were made by evangelist Kenneth Copeland). On the other hand, there's a shitload of free money to be made in religion. Religion is the greatest scam ever conceived, and I guess they don't like competition. It's the old "defense by accusation" ploy. Scam? Hah! "But, if people stop believing in God, who will pay for the gold leaf and jewels that we planned on buying to embellish this huge building that is a dwelling for nobody? And how are we going to afford our 200 acre mega-church complex? And how will we pay the legal fees to protect our army of kid-touchers from pedophila charges? And the Pope is getting bored of his solid gold jewel-encrusted scepter and wants a new one. Who's gonna pay for that if people start realizing we're full of shit? How will people be able to convince their relatives to murder their daughters for honor after they've been raped? Who will we get to blow themselves up on crowded busses if people start figuring out that there's no invisible man in the sky smiling down on their actions? Who will chop off their children's foreskins and clitorises when people realize that the real reason for their removal is to diminish sexual pleasure and that there is no supreme patriarch out there to be offended by sexual pleasure?"
Apple is at it again, trying to peddle their lack of innovation to their goofy, little, brainwashed appleheads as though they were amazing innovators. The second generation iPhone commercial begins, "What is 3G?" as though they fucking invented it. "It's the internet (dramatic pause) twice as fast. It's sending and receiving emails (dramatic pause) twice as fast. It's text messages (dramatic pause) twice as fast." Oh yeah... You get the internet twice as fast as the old iPhone. In other words, the iPhone is now finally on a network that is JUST AS FAST AS THE ONES USED BY EVERY OTHER CELL PHONE IN AMERICA! How about making a retroactive commercial for the generation one iPhone. "It's the internet... HALF AS FAST. It's emails and text messages... SLOW AS FUCK COMPARED TO ANY OTHER PHONE."
Cheese soup. Know what the difference is between cheese sauce and cheese soup? With cheese sauce, you are using cheese to flavor something that's less fatty than cheese. With cheese soup, you're drinking a much larger quantity of liquid cheese without all the fuss of chewing something else in the process, you fat fuck. Maybe I should just give you a jar of mayonnaise and a spoon and watch you go to town.
The myth of targeted advertising on the internet. Since my first Windows 95 baby steps on the internet, I have heard the nervousness, which varied in intensity from cautious and sober to tin-foil hat conspiracy theory paranoia, that unseen forces were floating around the internet, collecting a record of everything I look at, everything I write, everything I search for, all my associations, all my friends, all my political interests, all my private thoughts. These forces would then use this record against me in the form of (dastardly villain trumpet blare - picture the "Spanish Inquisition" sketch from Monty Python) TARGETED MARKETING!!!! Gasp! What an abridgement of my freedom! So... Annoying as it might be, where is it? I don't see them advertising electronic music, viral videos, stand up comedy, video games and porn to me, at least not to a greater extent than they advertise these things to anyone else in spam and banner ads. From what I can see, about the only thing they seem to know about me is that I am most likely male, and speak english. OH! And apparently, I own a computer. Let's see, what do I get advertised to me on a regular basis?
"Refinance your Mortgage!" Good research, retards, I have lived in apartments for nearly 9 years.
"Order discount prescription drugs from Canada!" Gee! Just what I need, considering I generally don't take any prescription medication and have no problem getting boners.
"Meet Christian singles in your area!" Wow! It's uncanny how you pinpointed the exact demographic that I totally have no urge to meet at all!
"I am Abdullah Izmir, and I need your help urgently in a private financial matter!" Sounds legit to me!
"Your Citibank account am be locked from access to you! Contact urgently!" Okay, Master of English grammar! I will hurry and contact you to reopen my nonexistent Citibank account.
"Why not enroll at the University of Phoenix, for a brighter future?" Sure, why wouldn't a 35 year old guy who has a middle class income in New York City enroll in classes at a college 2500 miles away?
"Refinance your student loan!" I don't have one, but hey, maybe you can loan me some money for the education I don't plan on getting in Phoenix!.
People who give you gift certificates that are too small to be useful at the store they are from without you spending more money. Oh, gee, thanks. A 10 dollar gift certificate for Best Buy. Now I can buy... Nothing.
"The miner owns three gold mines." Correct
"This is where he mines for gold." Correct
"Today, upon finding a large nugget, the miner said, 'This gold is mines!'" WRONG!.
People who in this age of caller ID think they can get away with the old "Call and hang up" bullshit. Congratulations. You just made a new friend. I have a long commute, a cell phone, and nothing to do on the way but call your dumb ass back 100 times.
People who go on Amazon and give "The God Delusion," "The End of Faith," "God is Not Great," "The God Who Wasn't There," and other atheistic books and videos 1 star reviews purely on the basis of, "GOD IS SO REAL! HOW COULD YOU EVEN SAY GOD ISN'T REAL? NO WAY IN HELL WOULD I EVER EVEN WATCH FIVE SECONDS OF THIS VIDEO, BUT I'M GOING TO GIVE IT A NEGATIVE REVIEW ANYWAY! YOU'RE GOING TO GO TO HELL!"
People who think they can just blurt out their CRAZY worldviews and think that nobody will call them out on how crazy they are. Recently I was talking to some friends about books and movies and we were all talking about stuff we liked. I mentioned George Orwell's "1984" and a few people in the group were like "Oh, yeah. That was a good one." This one guy blurted out, "Yeah, I can always enjoy a good book, even if it does rip on ultra-conservatism." Yes, he used the term "ultra." Usually the only people who prefix "conservatism" with "ultra" are liberals who want to point out how far to the right someone is, but this guy was casually referring to himself as an ultra-conservative. If what you get from 1984 is that it's a happy ending because the party smashed Winston Smith's mind and spirit until he submitted and conformed, and that this was a good thing for society, you're fucked up, and I will be the first to tell you. Like, as much as I disagree with run-of-the-mill conservatism, I can understand it, but to be an advocate of totalitarianism.... go fuck yourself.
Cults. This one seems to really speak for itself, but I think it goes a bit beyond the whole "Those people are KOOKS" factor. I tend to think in a rational way, for the most part, and this has led me to believe that the claims of religion tend to be highly suspect. There are things that people believe that are real, and there are things that people believe in that are not real, or at best, are highly improbable. A million people, or even billions of people, can believe in something and be wrong. Even if you are, for instance, a Christian, you can look at other belief systems and see the glaring flaws in logic and low degree of probability of their claims. However, on the other end of the "sanity in numbers" scale, there are beliefs that are held by very few people. If everyone who believes in something can fit in a single subway car, there's a very strong possibility that those people are crazy. Being in a minority is one thing, but how does someone get to the point where they can examine a belief, that is highly improbable at best, and held by only 200 people, or 50, or 20, and think, "Hmmmm.... You know... This guy Dave says he is the son of God, whose true name is Guadachungo, and he says that the best way to show appreciation to Guadachungo and to the Almighty Dave is to let my underage children engage in orgies with Dave and his 25 followers, and that once we all share the same blood, and we give all our money and property to Dave, he will receive a divine message from Guadachungo, and we will steal a school bus and ride it to a place far away in the desert, where we will all douse ourselves in gasoline and set ourselves and our children on fire to burn away the old bad skin of sinfulness away, and once we are pure, Guadachungo will arrive in his spaceship to take us to his home planet.... Yeah, that sounds reasonable."
Reason number 728 why America is fucked.
Who would win in a hypothetical presidential election?
Candidate 1: Has an IQ of 168. Highly educated in economics, cultures, history, political science and geography, and has spent time as a professor in most of these subjects. Previously held the office of Governor in a state whose economy, crime rate and educational system took a sharp turn for the better during his two term tenure. His reputation is that of a strong diplomat who has worked in the United Nations and already has a good rapport with the leaders of many countries which have a wide variety of styles of government, and economic, racial and religious backgrounds. He doesn't particularly like apprearing on television, and appears somewhat awkward and has a dry manner of speaking. His advisors are carefully chosen for their knowledge of world affairs, economics, history, and their ethics. Stated reason for running: Wants the US to be seen as a positive force around the world with a strong economy, reduced crime and with real opportunities for the working class. Has not publicly stated any religious affiliation, and says that his religious beliefs are a private matter, and should be considered irrelevant due to his qualifications to lead. Does not resort to mudslinging in his campaign, believing that his qualifications and well-known sense of ethics will ensure a win.
Candidate 2: Has an IQ of 115. Went to an expensive university and got a Bachelor of Arts degree with a C average. During his years at the university, he was known not for his academic achievements, but for his wild social life and popularity. Has been previously employed as a newscaster and sports reporter, and is comfortable and photogenic on television. Later he served one term as a senator with an unremarkable record. Most Americans would say of him, "He seems like the kind of guy I can relate to. He reminds me of my uncle, the kind of guy you would want to have a beer at a barbecue with." Frequently uses frat boy adjectives like "awesome" "killer" and "sweet." His advisors include mostly people who gave him a leg up politically in the past, an assortment of old friends, donors from previous campaigns, evangelical Christian clergy, college roommates and friends of his family. Stated reason for running: Believes that the US is a Christian nation and should return to more traditionally religious values. Says that God speaks to him and guides him, and despite having been married for 30 years, having two children and having served in the senate, claims that the most transformative moment of his life was becoming a Christian. Sees the US as far superior to all other nations, and believes that the way to keep it that way is to maintain its position as the world's only superpower, by whatever means necessary. Repeatedly implies that Candidate 1 is unpatriotic, cowardly, and is pandering to foreign countries, and is probably an Godless atheist, or worse, a radical muslim.
I just read an article on MSNBC about 17 girls, aged 15-16, who all became pregnant in one year at one particular high school. It turns out that they had all made a pact to get pregnant, and one of them, a 15 year old, was pregnant with the child of a 24 year old homeless guy. You, uh, fucked a hobo... specifically to get knocked up... at age 15... and now your baby has pedophiliac hobo genes. GOOD JOB, DUMBASS! I wish I could say, well at least the only life you're ruining is your own, but nope.
I'm in line behind this old woman at Wendy's, and she spends like five minutes ordering, asking what comes with what, and how much more it would be for this and that, then finally, when she's done ordering, the cashier tells her, "That will be $8.37," and she reaches in her pocket and pulls out a fucking fist full of change and dumps it all on the counter. She doesn't even count it or anything, and I swear there wasn't a single quarter in it. So then the cashier has to sift through this pile of mostly pennies and nickels to get the amount he needs. The correct response to having a five pound load of coins flopped on your counter isn't to count It, but to pick it up and throw it in her face as hard as you can.
Any service where you can sign up in a couple of minutes with nothing but a credit card and an urge do so, but you have to jump through a million hoops of flaming bullshit to cancel the service, and even when you're through, you wonder if you're really through, and you check your mailbox, email, credit card statement and bank account half expecting to see more charges.
Movies where the plot would completely grind to a halt if anyone acted the way real people really act.
Example:
Two guys who have never met previously meet in a bar and end up talking to each other for ten minutes about some generic conversational shit, then one of them says goodbye and leaves, and the other one sits there and orders another drink. Fast forward to the next day, or the next week or whatever. One of the guys is walking down the street at night to where he parked his car. As he puts his key in the door, he hears some scuffling in an alley across the street. From where he's standing, he can see that there is someone in the alley dragging something. The person in the alley looks over and they make eye contact. They both recognize each other from the bar the other night. The guy in the alley is dragging a dead man and is covered in blood. The guy calls to the guy with the car to come help him get rid of the body. In real life, the guy's response would be:
A.) Make a concerned face, then sigh, realizing that he must help the guy from the bar in getting rid of the dead body. He pulls the car up near the alley, pops the trunk, then spreads a tarp. He helps the guy from the bar lift the body into the trunk, and then they both drive out to the country and finally finish burying the body when it's almost dawn. He then drives the guy back to town, and they agree to keep in touch. He then drives home, and his girlfriend sees him covered in blood and dirt, and asks what happened, but he says not to worry about it, so, of course, she obediently doesn't ask any more questions, you know, like any normal girlfriend. In a few days, the police or the mob or whatever comes directly to the guy's door to ask if he has ever seen, they hold up a picture either of the dead guy or the bar guy, "this guy." He plays it cool and says he doesn't know anything, which is absurd considering how they knew exactly who to look for and where to find him. And the plot thickens...
B.) Immediately upon realizing that the guy is dragging a bloody dead body, he rips the car door open and gets the engine started as quickly as physically possible, then slams the gas and hauls ass out of there. When he gets some distance away and the initial panic begins to subside, he dials 911 on his cell phone and tells the police what he saw, but never looks back, and hopes the police didn't take down his phone number. He wonders what happened to the guy from the bar, but never actually finds out. He feels a bit unnerved that he shared a beer with a killer, and occasionally catches himself looking over his shoulder, but he never sees the guy again.
Celebrities who name their kids whatever the fuck they feel like. "The Edge," whose name I can't even bring myself to write without using quotation marks, the dumbass guitarist for the dumbass band U2, named his daughter Blue Angel, because I guess he digs air shows. Michael Hutchence, before he died of auto-erotic asphyxiation, which one of my friends referred to as "the Hutch Clutch," named his kid Heavenly Hiraana Tiger Lily. Nicholas Cage named his kid Kal-el, which is Superman's given name, you know, because he's not an earthling. Jermaine Jackson showed the limitations of the Jackson family's creative genes by naming his kid a fucking pun, Jermajesty. Bono, not wanting to be outshined in stupidity by his band mate, named his kid Memphis Eve. The dumbass rapper T.I., who, when he's not making utterly generic rap music or being arrested for trying to buy guns from federal agents or shooting every one of his videos with the camera staring up his flared nostrils, took a tip from Jermaine Jackson and named his kid Messiah Ya'majesty. Penn Gillette, the talking half of Penn and Teller, decided to name his kid Moxie Crimefighter. Jason Lee took one too many bumps on the head during his skateboarding career and named his kid Pilot Inspektor. Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple. Sylvester Stallone named his kid Sage Moonblood. Of course, Michael Jackson named his kids Blanket and Prince Michael II, but since it's fucking Michael Jackson, naming his kids that bullshit is just about the most normal thing he's ever done.
"We're going to name our kid, "Kyd!" (David Duchovny)
"Uhhh, no sir. We're going to call child protective services to keep your new baby safe from your stupidity."
People who are so perplexed by atheists that they ask, "Well, aren't you afraid you're going to hell?" Uhhhh, a disbelief in hell is sort of par for the course for atheists. In fact there are many people who do believe in God, but not hell. It's like threatening me that if I don't believe in your pet pegasus, he will bite me. We have no fear of hell, and no fear of being bitten by a pegasus, on pretty much equal levels.
Summer snowmen. I understand that it's hot outside, and while I am boundlessly thankful for girls in little tank tops, it has to be understood that if you're a hefty girl who isn't comfortable until you cake yourself with enough baby powder to look like there was a disaster down at the chalk factory, maybe you need to upgrade to a tee-shirt. It's cleavage, not funnel cake.
I don't think of myself as homophobic, and I definitely don't think of myself as prudish, however, I can't help but feel like the guy sitting across from me in this crowded subway car, thumbing through a big, glossy magazine of graphic hardcore gay porn, with an expression on his face as though he's reading a newspaper, and with a total disregard for the people around him, is at least a tiny bit fucked up.
Girls on myspace who did a photo shoot for a local hair salon when they were 19, who are now 31 and haven't done any actual modeling jobs since the salon gig, and have never done any actual acting jobs, but list their occupation as "Model, actress" and are full of their own shit, and think they have a fan base because they have 300 myspace friends, and 95% of them are either bands that want exposure, or dumbass guys with "show your abs" pics, who send comments that say, "Yo girl U lookin good! Holla back!"
The fact that we live in a universe that is at least 93 billion light years across, and has existed in the form that we know for at least 13.73 billion years, and is made up of an uncountable number of tiny particles that we only barely understand, and somewhere in this mess of vastness and things that we have only a flickery comprehension of is a galaxy that is one of perhaps hundreds of billions of galaxies, which is about 100,000 light years across, and home to at least 200 billion, and possibly as many as 400 billion stars, one of which, about 26,000 light years from the center of the galaxy, travelling in orbit around the center of the galaxy at 492,120 miles per hour, is a star which formed about 4.59 billion years ago when a hydrogen molecular cloud rapidly collapsed and the hydrogen began transforming into helium through constant nuclear fusion. And the various heavy elements within the cloud condensed to form a handful of planets, one of which possessed, against incalculable odds, the special chemistry which, somewhat recently, led to the formation of living things, and this planet revolves around its star at a speed of 66,420 miles per hour and spins at a speed of over 1000 miles an hour. And sometime very recently in the history of the universe, this planet produced its first species that had the mental capacity to begin contemplating all these things, and wondering at how everything came to be, and its purpose in the universe, and this species has only recently devised some meager means to begin untangling all these mysteries, which were utterly beyond the comprehension of any previous species on this rare planet. And this species, in only the past couple of hundred years, has expanded its knowledge and understanding of the universe many, many times over, and the more it learns, the more it realizes how much there is left to be learned, if in fact this species survives its own stupidity, which looms large over the frighteningly near horizon, threatening to destroy this species forever... and millions of these beings, most of which have a mere 70-something years to exist, can think of nothing more important or interesting to do with their brief time in the universe, than to sit, night after night, staring in rapt anticipation... to see which vacuous whore Bret Michaels would rather fuck.
People who, if something is cool, they hate it, and if something is really lame, you can almost be assured that they love it. Like, they love anything that sucks balls and hate anything that's good.
"So.... The New American Gladiartors."
"OH MY GOD! I can't believe they brought that back! I AM SO HAPPY!"
"Professional Wrestling."
"OH, DUDE! Don't even fuck with professional wrestling! I mean, if you saw the last Smackdown, you can't even tell me that shit wasn't fuckin' amazing!"
"The Departed."
"I don't get that shit, man. I mean, It's supposed to be like all bang bang shoot-em-up but they spent most of the movie like blah blah blah. People kept telling me it was gonna be good, but it's been a while since I saw a movie that bad."
"M. Night Shyalaman's 'The Village.'"
"OH MY GOD! That was one of the most amazing movies I have ever seen. I totally didn't see that twist coming! I mean, I thought these people were really living in the 1700's, scared of some creatures in the woods. And then it turns out that it's really modern day and the creatures were all bullshit? OH MY GOD! That took me totally by surprise! That has got to be the best acting and writing I have ever seen!"
"Pokemon."
"OH SHIT! Haha! I caught em all! That shit is AWWWWWWESOME!"
"Nine Inch Nails."
"Man, I can't get into that faggotty disco Bleep Bleep Bloop Bloop shit."
"Toby Keith."
"Fuckin' yeah, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout! Ain't nobody can write or sing as good as him, and he's really got his morals and priorities in the right place. I mean, The USA putting a boot in your ass... FUCK YEAH! WOOO!"
Pregnant celebrities. First, I want to start off by saying that there is plenty of real news happening in the world, so devoting all this time to keep everyone informed about who is knocked up is bullshit. But seriously, what is this shit? Has everyone in Hollywood become Mormon? It's like every woman who is over 15 years old and has made more than a buck fifty in Hollywood or the music industry has been pregnant in the last year. You know what's less sexy than being pregnant? Nothing. And don't give me that, "You're being misogynistic" shit. Women are beautiful. Pregnant women look like an alien seed pod with dark nipples. Seriously, I know you assholes can afford birth control. Use it.
People whose critique of a great movie or book doesn't get any more intelligent than, "It was too long." You know why "The Godfather" was that long? Because it had to be. The other thing that cracks me up are people who can't think of a better point to make in a debate other than "You use too many long words." I recently had a laugh posting a YouTube comment where I pointed out another instance of Dane Cook plagiarizing lesser known comedians, and got plenty of the usual, "Don't be a hater" "Go suck a dick, DANE RULEZ" bullshit, and one that made me me cackle. "no offense but you use 2 many large words!" The "large words" were "flagrantly" and "illustrious," by the way.
Automated customer support that doesn't help a fucking thing. So recently I bought an XBox 360, and a week after I bought it, the optical drive stopped being able to read discs. I checked the "support" area of the XBox page, and, as usual, they make you jump through hoops to get to the actual "email someone for help" link. The page was basically the usual "tech support for idiots" load of shit of the "make sure the machine is plugged in, make sure the machine is turned on" variety.
"Make sure the disc is not dirty or scratched."
It's brand new. Check.
"Make sure the disc is formatted for use in your region."
USA, Check.
"Turn the machine off, and then back on again and try again."
Check.
"Three or four more suggestions that Neg was too angry to remember."
Check.
"If these fixes do not remedy the problem, click here for technical support."
Subject: "Disc is Unreadable" Error
I purchased an XBox 360 one week ago, and the optical drive can no longer read any discs. I have tried game discs, DVD's and CD's, all brand new, free of dirt, smudges or stratches, and coded for use in the US, and the machine gives me the error, "Disc is Unreadable." I have tried restarting the machine, and this had no effect. What should I do?"
Subject: Re: "Disc is Unreadable" Error
Please follow these steps to correct this issue:
Make sure the disc is not dirty or scratched.
Make sure the disc is formatted for use in your region.
Turn the machine off, and then back on again and try again.
Three or four more suggestions that were exactly the same as the questions found on the "troubleshooting" page that Neg had to go through to even get to the tech support email link, and was even angrier to read again.
Thank you,
Jessica.
Yeah, whatever, "Jessica."
So, I opted for a non-technical solution. I returned the fucker to the store.
Morbidly obese girls who think that if you don't think they're sexy, your obviously some superficial asshole who would never date a girl unless she was anorexic and built like a coathanger. Uhhhh, there's a lot of grey area between Mo'nique and Kate Moss, and denial isn't endearing.
People who go on Amazon or other places where you rate videogames, who give a game a one star review because they didn't understand a core aspect of the game, like the idea of paying to connect to an mmorpg game, or needing to own the original game in order to play the expansion pack, when the requirements to play are posted all over the product.
"So I bought this piece of crap expansion for World of Whore-craft, (Get it? Because it rhymes with Warcraft? Holy fuck, I'm clever!) and like, you need to buy the original stupid game first! Like, they're intentionally ripping you off! I mean, I honestly expected that the full version plus the expansion would cost 20 bucks less than the full version by itself, because that makes sense! Oh, so then I buy the stupid original game, and then get this shit! They expect you to PAY a fee every month to play! I mean, what if I don't even want to play online? Oh, but gee, get this! This piece of shit doesn't even have a single player game! What a fucking load of bullshit! They want me to PAY to play with OTHER PEOPLE? Fuck that! Like I want to play with other people anyway! This game is 100% bullshit, and you are a sucker if you give them a dime! I wouldn't play it if they paid me!"
"They threw me under the bus." Seriously, this phrase needs to die. A couple of years ago I had never heard it, and now every time the laudromat loses your sock or someone doesn't like your tie or McDonalds puts a pickle on your plain cheeseburger, "THEY THREW ME UNDER THE BUS!" Aren't we being just a tiny bit melodramatic and overly sensitive? I mean, the desired impact of the phrase is in the imagery. Someone betrayed you and shoved you in the path of a speeding bus, where you were presumably dragged under the axle and scraped and crushed into a mess of bloody, shredded meat. Now, due to a couple of years of overuse, you assume that someone using this phrase was "mildly inconvenienced," or "miffed."
Last fall, I made a post ripping on supposed progressives who were following the Pied Piper named Ron Paul and being obnoxious about getting out the vote for this little stealth candidate turd. I just wanted to offer a little follow-up on that. In April, the US House of Representatives voted on a resolution to urge China's government to end its crackdown on nonviolent Tibetan protestors, to begin a dialogue with the Dalai Lama, to allow independent international journalists to have access to Tibet, and to release imprisoned nonviolent protestors, etc. This is not to say the US plans to force China to comply. The House voted 413 to 1 to pass the resolution (Currently there are 435 members in the House, so it can be assumed that there was broad bipartisan support.). Guess who the "1" was who voted against it.
Today I read an article that American schools were considering making 50% the lowest possible percentage you could make an F, so even if you skip an assignment completely, you don't get a 0%, you get a 50%. The reasoning? Well, if you get a 0%, you have to work really, really hard to get enough passing grades to bring your grade up to a passing level. In other words, we should make it easier to pass and graduate from high school without being able to find the United States on a globe, without knowing when America was settled, not knowing what the Declaration of Independence is, not knowing how to read and write without resorting to AOL-speak, and being completely baffled by math, physics, chemistry, biology, etc. "Uhhhh, the Periodic Table? PFFT! When I get my period is none of your fuckin' business, so you need to step off!" So, the solution to American students being too stupid to pass our dumbass watered-down educational system is to make it EVEN EASIER. I'm sure the rest of the world is cheering us on. "YES, YES! MAKE AMERICAN STUDENTS EVEN DUMBER! WE WANT THEIR JOBS!" Every country in the world wants to be as successful in the 21st century as the US was in the 20th. Should we just fucking hand it to them as we decay into the next member of the Third World?
The conservative concept that there is an infinite amount of wealth, and the only reason everyone isn't a mulit-billionaire is because they don't try hard enough, and if you're not lucky enough to be born male to a white, rich, American family who gave you a boatload of trust funds and an inheritance that is many times what an average person makes in a lifetime, or if your parents were too cheap to pay for an Ivy League education, well, PFFFT, that's YOUR problem. Oh, you mean to tell me you don't have hundreds of thousands of dollars of disposable income to take a chance on high-risk / high-yield stocks? HAH! That's YOUR fault. Fuck you, little people.
Speaking of retarded stoner humor, this retard at the gorcery store this morning was wearing an ever-so clever parody t-shirt with a picture of a fat, squinty-eyed Pikachu wearing a t-shirt with a pot leaf on it, with the caption, "Toke-e-Mon, Gotta Smoke Em All!" Oh, I might have forgotten to mention, he was shopping with his 6 year old daughter.
Retards who can't smile without biting the end of their tongues. Is that supposed to be cute? "Oh, that's a funny joke! A-th-th-th-th-th-th!"
People for whom getting in a bar fight, being restrained by security, dealing with police, being arrested and taken to jail for a day or two, eating jail food, taking communal showers, shitting in front of 20 other people, and being released with orders to report to court are all normal parts of an average weekend and nothing to worry too much about.
I always thought the perfect way to tell if I was getting old is when the music that young people think is awesome and becomes massively popular is the most stupid and irritating sound imaginable to me. That's bad news for me, because it apparently means I've been old since around age 14.
Parents who think their 35 year old child would be completely fucked if they weren't there to provide an endless stream of advice and suggestions about life decisions.
35 year olds whose lives would fall apart without a constant stream of parental guidance.
Ferrets.
Rarely will I single out a particular animal to hate, as I tend to see the natural benefits that certain adaptations in animal behavior or physiology would benefit the animal from an evolutionary standpoint, which tends to make most animals, at the very least, interesting. Even animals which seem to be pretty dumb can be interesting from the standpoint of biology. But seriously, ferrets are the most useless animals on the planet. Granted, guinea pigs are easily as dumb as ferrets, but they at least have the benefit of not being a wiggly, hyperactive slinky that bites, plus they have that adorable little squeak noise that basically serves as a beacon to predators, saying, "Hey, predators! Here I am! I'm a dumb, slow moving nugget of meat waiting to be snatched up and devoured!" A ferret is what happens when you remove the brain and spine from a cat, and then give it angel dust. It's as though they live their lives in a state of trying to be as annoying as possible. They can't even run like a normal animal. They kind of turn sideways and slink along with their back arched up and their back feet out of alignment with their front feet. Another thing I find interesting is that about 90% of the people who own ferrets are Wiccans. I attribute this to a need to have an animal around them which is actually dumber than them, in which case a dog would not fit the bill. If a wiccan had a dog, they would end up being the dog's pet. "Ah, but Nichodemus here is my familiar!" Congratulations. You have a spiritual link to the animal equivalent of silly string.
Then there's the fact that they have a skunky odor. As if it wasn't bad enough being nature's retard, they have BO to boot. I had a friend that had one that would chew on the cables that connected his VCR and DVD player to his TV. Not wanting to see the inevitable outcome of this, he decided to "train" the ferret not to do it. The ferret would go for the cables, and he would pick up the ferret, and move it away from the spot, turning it so it faced away from the TV. As soon as the creature's feet hit the ground, it would make an immediate B-line back to the cables. He snatched up the ferret again, and again the ferret ran straight back to the cables. It stopped being funny after about the 25th time. Even the dumbest cat or puppy would figure out that their master was trying to convey a message after being yanked away from doing something annoying and destructive a few times, but not a ferret. The ferret can only think, "DUHRR! CABLES, HAHAHAHA! DOIIII!" A fish has a greater learning capacity. Then there's the annoying no spine thing. If you pick up a ferret, and snap someone with it like a wet towel, the ferret is still thinking, "DUHRRR!! VIDEO CABLES! YAY! WHEEE!" My friend had a cage for the ferret, and he bought this sort of mulch for the bottom of the cage. The bag said, "Ferret litter." What it didn't say was that this was a verb. Any time the ferret was in the cage, its primary interest was to get as much of the litter out of the cage as possible. Sticking to character, it did this with an annoying scratching sound. My friend would call out, "TSST! HEY! STOP THAT! NO! TSST TSST TSST!" which, of course, the ferret seemed not to even notice. "YAY! LITTER! WHEE!!!" *fling fling*
Amazing bands that release a 7 song EP of mind-blowingly great and earthshatteringly unique music who then say, "Fuck it," and disappear.
Shitty bands who keep playing shitty shows and releasing new, shitty albums for thirty shitty years.
Employees who don't get the concept of VIP clients.
"See that guy over there? That's Mr. Johnston. Take very good care of him."
"Sure."
"No, like, REALLY."
"What? He's just a guy. He puts on his pants one leg at a time, just like everyone else."
"Yes, but he's my boss's boss's boss's boss, and once his pants are on, he can stamp on all our balls and then kick us all straight into an unemployment line on a whim, and I've seen him do worse for much less than getting mediocre service."
"Yeah, whatever. I'll take care of him. Pfft."
People who don't smoke pot who think that the only people who smoke pot are the very worst fringe of society, the Ted Bundys of the world. These are the people who heard that Bill Clinton tried pot in college and thought, "Well shit! I can't vote for that guy! No doubt the pot damaged his brain! What happens if there's a crisis? We can't have a president who will just sit there drooling like a retard!" Here's a tip, you disconnected assholes. Unless you have spent your entire life confined to a secluded religious cult compound on the outskirts of Salt Lake City, most of the people over age 16 you have met have tried pot. And if you did grow up in some weird religious compound, you should really give drugs a try.
People who smoke pot who assume that everyone smokes pot, and that everyone they meet will relate to, and be thrilled to hear their stoner humor and anecdotes about getting high, and won't think they're a retarded pothead.
"Dude! You know what today is? Haw haw haw!"
"Uhhh, Wednesday?"
"Nah, man, the date!"
"It's uhhhh... Is it the 21st?"
"Nah, man! It's the 20th! Hah!"
"... Uhhhh... And?"
"April 20, dude! Yeah!"
"... Is it your birthday or something?"
"No, dude! 420! Hah-haaah! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!"
"... Did you get your tax refund check or something?"
Fat comedians whose entire routine is about them being fat.
"Hey, everyone! It's great to be here! As you can see, I'm really, really fat!"
10 minutes later...
"So I was shopping for a car, and the dealer kept trying to sell me a Mini Cooper. Can you picture me in a Mini Cooper? It would look like a bumper car!"
10 minutes later...
"So I went to this all-you-can eat buffet, and you could see the look of fear on the guy's face."
10 minutes later...
"So I was dating this girl. I haven't seen her in a while though. Either she left me without saying a word, or she's stuck in between my rolls of back cleavage like a remote control between the couch cushions!"
10 minutes later...
"As you can imagine, I'm not a very successful triathlete."
10 minutes later...
"Boy, I sure am fat! Goodnight, folks! You guys have been great!"
Comedians who are really fat who make no reference to their weight at all, like we can't see it and it has no impact on your life. Yeah, sure, tell us jokes about your girlfriend. Tell us jokes about the rude cashier. Tell us jokes about airports. You're completely ignoring the elephant in the room. Look, the most obvious thing about your personal appearance is that you're fat as all hell. I'm not saying you should base your whole act on your weight, but come on. You talk about your kids, you talk about your mean boss at some crappy job, or your nagging wife or some rude customer service operator, but not ONE joke about food or exercise or finding clothes or people's rude remarks about your weight or how much you dig sitting around at home, puffing your bong, eating snacks and playing your X-Box? Really? Seriously? Dude, you're 400 fucking pounds. When you tell us an anecdote about your girlfriend, we don't even hear it because the mere mention of the word girlfriend distracts us by conjuring the image of a big, sweaty, naked walrus man huffing and puffing and getting all red in the face as he crushes a woman with his fat, gelatinous belly.
People whose Myspace page is almost completely focused on, "Yo, fuck all you haters! I am who I am, and if you don't like it, you can kiss my ass!" You know, as much as I flap my mouth, and as much as I express opinions that are probably only held by me and four other people, two of which are on medication so they stop having such opinions, I almost never get negative messages on Myspace. So I have to assume that you are probably getting mean messages because you're such a giant douchebag that otherwise mild-mannered people can't resist voicing their disgust at your very existence. Like, there must be some sort of primal instinct at work here. *Click....* "Doot-dee-doo..." *Click...* "Ho-Hum..." *Click* "AAAGH!" (Guy punches his computer monitor as hard as he can) "WHAT THE FUCK! GOD! I HATE THAT GUY!" It's maybe not a coincidence that almost everyone who has this as the central message of their page is either a morbidly obese girl turning her giant ass towards the camera in a slutty, skin-tight tube dress that is barely long enough to cover her ass, or a sixteen year old white boy with a shitty little patchy peachfuzz Ja Rule mustache who looks like he's trying really hard to look like a member of Icy Hott Stuntaz. I found this image today on some retard's myspace page and it made me cackle. The horrible editing flaws have been preserved to give you the full effect. Very classy.
.
People who claim to have arrived at their religious faith through scientific inquiry. "I think in a scientific, skeptical way, and if you tell me something, I need to see some sort of irrefutable evidence before I believe it. Well, if you walk down the street, you see buildings, and you know that even if you didn't see them being built, they had to be built BY someone. So where did life come from? Obviously, like the buildings, someone had to CAUSE life, and that's where God comes in." OH BOY, you sure gave that a lot of scientific thought, fuckwit. Let's see, I like hamburgers, but also I like pizza, therefore pizza was invented by Mayor McCheese. It's the only possible rational explanation. Gee, maybe buildings don't build themselves, because buildings are not organisms. Maybe when you have buildings that have DNA and reproduce, and gather and consume sources of energy for themselves and maybe eat things and have to avoid being eaten, and need to solve problems for themselves, maybe then we will have buildings that evolve over generations so they are more suited to their environments, but until then, it would be unfair to say it's like comparing apples to oranges, because APPLES and ORANGES are both at least PARTS OF ORGANISMS. It's more like comparing apples to carbeurators. As for "arriving" at creationism through science, you're full of shit, because there is absolutely no evidence for it. Here's a tip, mister scientist. In science, you need evidence. A guessed solution to a problem without an obvious answer is not evidence. By the way, there is a much more obvious solution, for which there IS evidence, and your denial of this evidence just shows how unscientific your thinking is.
While there are a ton of movies with flawed science, the ones that really piss me off are movies where the central plot is completely dependent on the audience being completely ignorant of extremely basic scientific facts that you would fail elementary school science classes if you didn't know. The average third grader could watch "The Core," and say, "Uhhhh... This is bullshit."
"Welcome to our company's annoying-as-fuck phone menu, where you may speak your choices. Please select from the following options. Track a package, request an invoice, speak to a sales person, or speak to a customer service representative...."
"Track a package."
"Did you say 'Hamster Fish?'"
"No."
*Click-a-click-a-click* "Wecome to the main menu. Please select from the following options. Track a package, request an invoice, speak to a sales person, or speak to a customer service representative...."
"TRACK... A... PACKAGE...."
"Did you say 'Meatberry Cloud Guitar?'"
"NO."
*Click-a-click-a-click* "Wecome to the main menu. Please select from the following---"
"FUCK!"
"Did you say 'Minnesota?'"
"NO!"
*Click-a-click-a-click* "Wecome to the main menu. Please select from the following options. Track a package, request an invoice, speak to a sales person, or speak to a customer service representative...."
"TRACK..... A..... PACKAGE...."
"Did you say 'Algebra Muffin Soup'"
"FUCK!" *click*
People who will never let you finish your extremely interesting anecdote because the first moment you take a breath, they will interject and interrupt you with their own dumbass, mundane anecdote, because they're narcissistic fucktards who are in love with the sound of their own voices.
"And then the CIA agents strapped me to the chair and stuck me with a huge syringe in my neck, and then-"
"Oh my god! Dude! The other day we were at the mall, and you remember that chick Jenny who was dating Mark? She was with Dave, and man, she must have gained at least 10 pounds over the winter!"
All those lame viral videos of people playing ultra-corny songs on orchestral instruments. Oh boy! Guys on cellos playing "The Final Countdown." That was almost as funny as those guys on cellos playing "Barbie Girl." Surely much, much more hilarity awaits us in the future. I can hardly wait for videos of guys on cellos playing "Der Kommissar," "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go," and Van Halen's "Jump," because that would be amazingly clever, original and ironic.
The recent hilarious shift in anti-drug ads. They have finally realized that only a fairly small number of teenagers are dumb enough to dabble in drugs like crystal meth and crack, and stick mostly to drugs like pot, LSD, ecstasy, etc. and hence, statistically, will almost definitely not end up as pregnant, scab-covered, HIV positive meth whores who live with hobos who put cigarettes out on on their faces and sleep in an alley on a soggy piece of cardboard in a puddle within three months of trying drugs for the first time, and they have finally realized that most teens are too smart to buy that "gateway drug" bullshit, and it annoys them to no end that teens can go to school, smoke some pot afterwards, have fun, and then show up on time, and perfectly healthy, to school the next day.
So how have they changed their ads? "Hey, kids! Don't submit to peer pressure! Instead, submit to peer pressure! Instead of your friends thinking you're a pussy for not trying drugs, now in opposite land, your friends think you're a douche for trying drugs!" They finally realized that kids value their friends' opinions, and that not all teens have friends who are just assholes trying to get them to do stupid shit and ruin their lives. Yes, kids value their friends' opinions, often more than the opinions of their square-as-fuck parents. Fucking farout. There is nothing more hilarious than a pencil-necked, upper-middle class advertisement writer trying to relate to modern teenagers.
A teenage guy who looks exactly like an extra from Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" video walks up to his friend, who looks like an Eagle Scout, in the hallway of a high-school.
"Hay, dude! I sure had fun last night! I was so high from smoking that marijuana cigarette that I do not remember what happened. You know, because you can black out from smoking pot."
"Don't you remember anything?" His friend looks annoyed.
"No, man, like I said, I was too busy being high to remember ANYTHING!"
"Have you looked at the internet?"
"Oh, dude! The internet! What did it do?"
"Look over there! Those fellow teenagers are using their cellular phones to look at the bad and embarrassing thing you did on the internet!" The camera shifts focus to show a dozen teenagers in the background looking at the guy, then at their cell phones, then giggling.
"Oh man! How was I to know that the internet would see me doing something bad and embarrassing? I was too high from drugs! What if my girlfriend sees it?"
The girlfriend, who also looks like a Young Republican, and better looking than he could probably realistically get, walks up. "I am breaking up with you, druggie! And don't try to send me a text message on your cellular phone either!" She then walks off in a huff before the guy can say anything.
"Oh no! Dude! What will I do now?"
"Don't ask me, druggie. I am not your friend anymore." He coldly walks away.
"No, dude! C'mon! I couldn't help it! I was high on the internet! I mean pot joint!!"
The camera shifts focus again to the kids looking at their cell phones and laughing, to reinforce that now that he's branded as a druggie, he has nowhere to turn, and that his life in highschool is utterly ruined. The camera shifts back to him, as he makes a face of such utter embarassment, it's as though he was caught fucking a goat and then the act was broadcast live on the jumbotron at the Super Bowl halftime show.
Prudish passive-aggressive assholes who try to take all the wind out of a really good dirty joke by saying, "I don't get it," as though they didn't hear the same perfectly coherent filth that everyone else is laughing at.
Rally retards. People who stand for causes that I support, who speak out publicly and try to look intelligent by using "advanced" vocabulary words, but butcher them and make the whole movement look stupid. Like the news will be covering an anti-war protest, and of course, they single out the one guy who is yelling the loudest to interview. He's full of passion and emotion, but mostly full of his own shit. "We need to communify to the so-called President that we are not going to stand idly by while American troops are in harm's way! This is not negotiatable! We need to find a way to facilify a expeditious withdrawal before we're quagmired in a quagmire! It's impossible to quantate-ify how much irrepair-ible damage Bush has did to this country. I mean, ever since 9/11, Bush has exploitated the situation, and has gave us a belligerous reputation around the world!"
Bands that have very extensive discographies spanning many years and eight to twelve albums that are indistinguishable from each other.
Christians whose understanding of stem cell research is that immoral, unwed sluts who engage in premarital sex and have a total disregard for decency, and have abortions just for kicks about as often as they buy new shoes, as their preferred method of birth control, abort their third trimester babies for money (which they probably spend on drugs), and these babies are then vivisected by soulless scientists, who root through their bodies in search of certain, special cells, as the living babies writhe and scream in pain, and are then thrown, still half-alive, into trashcans. And then these cells are used to make headless human clones, which are harvested for organs.
Of course, if you asked any of these ignoramuses if they knew what a blastocyst was, they would think you were trying to change the subject.
The fact that every time I see Ann Coulter, she's wearing a tank top, strappy dress, or something else designed to show off her neck and shoulders, which sucks because she's built like that screaming guy from Aphex Twin's "Come to Daddy" video.
The recent dumbass trend of using vague "teaser" ads and viral marketing for EVERYTHING. You see a bus drive by. On the side is an ad that is a blank white block that extends the length of the bus, with lower case text that says, "the revolution is coming." There is no mention of what the fuck this actually means, or even what company it's for. Maybe you can figure it out if you carefully examine the tiny copyright information, but the obvious intent is to make you wonder what the fuck it's about. You get on the subway and see another ad, again, all white with lower case text: "are you ready for the revolution?" As you walk down the street, you see stickers on lamp posts and newspaper vending machines that say "viva la revolucion." You turn on the TV, and every commercial break has an ad for it, "are you ready? the revolution is coming april 11th."
And so, April 11th comes, and now the ads on TV and posters are flashy and brightly colored. "THE REVOLUTION HAS ARRIVED! For a limited time, get a FREE small coffee with any Ihop breakfast platter! VIVA LA COFFEE REVOLUCION! AT IHOP!" What? Are you fucking kidding me? Who gives a shit? Fuck you!
Guys who wake up, take a shower, drench themselves in cologne and put on clothes that they think will get them laid, leave the house, try to get laid on the walk to the bus stop, try to get laid by hitting on multiple girls at the bus stop, then get on the bus and try to get laid on the bus. Then they get off the bus, and try to get laid on the one block walk to the subway, then they try to get laid on the subway platform, and then try to get laid on the train. Then they get off the train, and try to get laid on the way to Starbucks, then try to get laid at Starbucks. Then they leave Starbucks and try to get laid on the four block walk to work, then arrive at work and try to get laid. For lunch, they hit the company cafeteria, where they try to get laid, then try to get laid in the elevator on the way back to the office, where they try to get laid. Then they leave work, once again trying to get laid in the elevator on the way down, then try to get laid in the lobby. They walk to the train, trying multiple times to get laid on the way, then try to get laid on the train and bus rides home. On the way home, they stop at Burger King, where they try to get laid. Then they head home, where they take another shower, then drench themselves in cologne again, put on more flamoyant clothes that they think will get them laid, then head out to a bar to try to get laid. On the way to the bar, they don't waste a moment, and spend the entire transit time trying to get laid. Once they get to the bar, of course, they try to get laid, even while waiting in line to get in. Once they get in, they try to get laid, as they consume nearly enough alcohol to go into a coma. They even pester the shit out of the marginally attractive girl bartender, who no doubt fends off advances from hundreds of drunk, horny losers a day. Eventually, they figure out that they aren't getting laid in this bar, so they head to another bar, of course, trying to get laid en route. Then they get to the other bar, where they try to get laid. At this point they're so trashed that even the most vile, undersexed swamp monsters in the place won't talk to them, so they decide to call it a night. They get a cab, and yell out the window at girls on the street to try to get laid. If the cab driver is a woman, they will try to get laid with the cab driver, regardless of her attractiveness, age or weight. The cab drops them off in front of a convenient store a few blocks from their apartment, where they buy cigarettes and try to get laid. They get home and immediately turn on the computer to try to get laid on Myspace and Facebook by sending a whole shitload of girls messages that include a dumbass picture of them trying to look thuggish and pulling their shirt up to show their abs, shot with a digital camera in a bathroom mirror. Then they feel their first pang of shame for the day as they jerk off, because they feel like jerking off is for faggot pussies who can't get laid, and handling your own penis is kinda gay, but the shame is short-lived, as they drift to sleep, reeking of stale cologne, cigarettes, alcohol and sweat, with a twinge of optimism, because tomorrow is a new day, and hey, they might get laid.
The fact that if you're at the bottom of the corporate ladder and show up for work without shaving 30 minutes late a couple of times, you're told to get the fuck out, you're fired! You get nothing! In fact, security will escort you out and we will mail you your personal effects from your desk. YOU MAKE ME SICK! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE! But if you're at the top of the corporate ladder and you get busted using company funds to pay for a mansion where you snort cocaine off the asshole of a thousand dollar an hour hooker as you make such horrible business blunders that the company's stock drops like a stone and costs the shareholders billions of dollars, you are politely asked to step down, but will retain a position on the advisory board, and will keep your personal assistant and driver, and will still have a nice office on the executive floor, and will receive a severance package worth three years pay and stock options, with a total value of about 80 million dollars, which will no doubt only increase by leaps and bounds as someone more competent than yourself takes the reigns and the stock recovers.
Old people and hicks who are still, after all these years, shocked, horrified and pissed off because, "I went to the mall today and there was this girl who had a blue streak in her hair. Like, she dyed part of her hair BLUE! Does she think that's attractive? Oh my God, I couldn't believe it!"
If you tell me that you believe that there is a 10 foot tall invisible minotaur named Hector living in your apartment who travels to the planet Gribuglox every night and brings back with him a large syringe containing millions of microscopic yellow people, which he injects into your bladder as you sleep, and every morning you pee these little people into the toilet, where they travel to the sewer, where trillions of them have gathered underground and are plotting a takeover of the planet, and I ask you why you would believe this ridiculous shit, or what evidence you have of your claims, I'm apparently right to ask, because you're fucking psychotic, but if you tell me that you believe that an invisible man in the sky, who can do anything and knows everything, created the entire universe in 6 days and made the first human out of dirt, and later caused a virgin to give birth to the invisible man's son so that he could be killed, and then resurrected, thus redeeming all humans who accept that he now exists in the form of crackers and wine, from the inherited, and previously unforgivable, blame for the dirt man eating the wrong fruit, so that people can live forever in peace and bliss, as long as they follow this big list of rules and rituals, rather than be condemned to eternal torture, and that the invisible man is at the same time one person and three people, and if I demand the same rationalization as I would for the no more improbable space travelling minotaur, I'm an intolerant bigot who doesn't respect other people's beliefs.
The day after "No Country for Old Men" won its much-deserved Oscar for best picture, I saw a bunch of editorials that were whining about how all of the movies that were nominated for big awards are movies that nobody even goes to see. Well, gee. That might have something to do with the fact that the highest grossing movies of 2007 are all dogshit. Oh, should they have given best picture to "Spiderman 3?" Maybe "Shrek the Third," "Transformers," "Pirates of the Caribbean 3," "Harry Potter 5," or fucking "Alvin and the Chipmunks?" How about "Wild Hogs" or "Rush Hour 3?" All of those grossed much, much higher than any of the nominees. Why? Because Americans have shitty taste in everything. Americans wake up, drive to work while listening to the Bob and Tom show while eating an Egg McMuffin, listen to Rihanna, Linkin Park, Fergie, Nickelback, Kanye West, and Daughtry, read (if they actually read) Harry Potter and Grisham, buy their clothes at Abercrombie and Fitch, Hollister or fucking Walmart, and then go home and watch "American Idol," "Dancing with the Stars," "Survivor," and the "Oprah Winfrey Show." The reason the best movies aren't blockbusters is because Americans have horrible taste. I've realized for a long time that a very effective way of guaging how stupid something is is seeing how popular it becomes in America. Gee, I'm so sorry they gave oscars to movies that are actually good. Maybe you misunderstood the concept of giving awards to things that aren't stupid. I can see where awards shows like the Grammys might confuse you. You can happily sit through the worst dogshit day and night, but when someone wants to put a movie or music album in front of you that has actual substance, you recoil in disgust. It's like you want to eat nothing but Hohos for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You know, an occasional apple wouldn't fucking kill you.
People who post and email clever little "factoids" that are of extremely dubious credibility as though the fact that someone forwarded an email to them, and they forwarded it to me makes it 100% true. "Did you know that brushing your hair while chewing gum for one minute burns 880 calories?" Really? Because running on an elliptical machine as fast as I can for a half an hour until I'm pouring sweat and feel like I'm going to die burns about 90.
People who see that you got a haircut or a new suit or something, and know that you look good, but it would fucking kill them to actually pay you a compliment, so they qualify it with a thinly veiled insult. Like normally you look like a pile of dogshit, but today you actually kind of pulled it off. "Boy, Dave cleans up nice, huh?!"
People who think the most beautiful, exciting, awe-inspiring, exquisite thing ever made by human hands is the F-15 fighter jet.
Fundamentalist Christians who try to explain away discrepancies and impossible scenarios in the Bible by twisting the meaning of what the Bible says.
"Well, when it says the Bible says the Earth was created in six days, God could have made those days millions of years long if he wanted to. So like, the first six days could have been 500 million years long, or whatever." Oh wait, let me check the Bible to see where it said that. Oh wait. I see. You just made it up.
Here's one I found particularly amusing that I read on a creationist website.
"When it says that God brought all the animals before Adam to name them, of course it wouldn't make sense for Adam to name thousands of animals per second for 24 hours solid, so some Biblical scholars concluded that this probably only referred to his livestock and other animals that lived near him, a few hundred animals at most. 'All' does not necessarily mean 'each and every.'" Ummm... THAT IS THE FUCKING DEFINITION OF "ALL," FUCKTARDS! "All" doesn't mean "some," idiots. There is no other way to interpret "all" except as "every fucking one." If I walk into a room with a hundred people in it, and say, "I am going to give you all a red tee shirt with a picture of Ernest Borgnine giving a thumbs up sign with the caption 'Fuck you'," I had better have at least a hundred red tee shirts, or I'm a liar, and fucking nobody is going to buy some bullshit story about how "all" can have different definitions. (Oh, and please, someone make this shirt so I can buy one.)
Look, the only reason to believe in ridiculous shit like creationism is if you believe every word of the Bible. If the only way you can believe every word of the Bible is to twist the meaning of "All," to mean anything other than "All," you're full of shit, and aren't even a fundamentalist anyway, which negates any reason to believe in the fanciful fairy tale accounts of the history of the universe. It isn't bad enough that I live among people who believe dinosaurs never existed, but I have to live among retards who think "All" doesn't mean "All," too?
Those weird moods I get in when I go through Netflix and start checking "Add to queue" willy-nilly, then, a few weeks later, when I've forgotten all about it, I check my mailbox and think, "What the fuck? 'The Postman' with Kevin Costner? WHY?"
Hey, y'all. My name is Skeeter McCray. I live in Paintsville,KY, and ain't never been no more than ten miles away from the place where I was born to my 16 year old parents who were first cousins, and I ain't got no desire to go nowhere, neither, on account of city folk are all either faggots or jews, or faggot jews, and all foreigners are communists. I ain't never went to school since third grade, and that don't hurt me none, because all them people who done stayed in school think they're all high and mighty, and most of em are damn liberals, any-hoo. Besides, ain't nothin' I need to know that ain't in the Bible, which, o'course, I ain't never read, on account of I cain't read, but it don't matter none, because I love Jesus with all my heart, and know that he hates blacks and liberals and faggots as much as I do. A pretty good summary of my knowledge of history is that God created the earth in a week, about 6000 years ago, then Jesus showed up and made a flood that killed all the Moslims, and that the South shall rise again, and that we won the Vietnam War against Hitler. The only thing that comes a close second to how much I love Jesus is how much I love my guns, and I'll be goddamned if any commie liberal is gonna take them away. Of course, I always say my guns is for huntin', but y'all know that I'm just itchin' for some minority to step on my lawn so I can blow him away and claim self defense. I don't know nothin' 'bout the news, 'cept that it's borin', that all liberals are pussy Anti-American commies what want to destroy America, and that if something comes out of the mouth of Bill O'Reilly, it's as true as if Jesus hisself said it. Now, I know that all y'all people what graduated from some high-falootin' university or get yer news from the Guardian UK are probably thinkin' "Dang! This som'bitch is fuggin' ignorant," but you know what? I don't give a shit. You know why? Because I ain't got nothin' to do all day but whittle, shoot squirrels from my front porch, beat my wife and VOTE. That's right, I vote in every election, whether it's to stick creationists on the school board or racists on the city council or to keep a black man from bein' the president. And y'all know what's the funnest part? My vote counts as much as yours. That's right! Y'all might have more degrees than I have teeth, but my vote will always be there to cancel out y'all's vote, so stick that in yer pipe and smoke it, Mister "I got my PHD at Columbia University in political science!" And let's be honest fer a second. Y'all don't actually vote in every election, or maybe not at all, right? HAW! That's what I thought. Well, y'all can just sit back 'n' watch, and me and people like me will be tickled pink to shape public policy. Y'all know that there's a lot more of us than there are of you, and by God, WE VOTE!
Retards who derail meaningful discussions because they don't believe in FACTS, and want people to not talk about ideas that presuppose these facts are true, but instead, to try to prove to them that these facts are true, which is of course futile, because the person believes in something stupid like faith over facts, and regardless of how much irrefutable proof you shove in their face, they will retort with something that could easily be equated to "LAA LAA LAA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
Guy 1: "So some scientists are saying that many dinosaurs that were once thought to be reptilian, might have actually been more birdlike, and maybe even had some feathers and might have been warm-blooded."
Guy 2: "Oh yeah, I was reading about that the other day. It was really interesting when they pointed out the forelimb bones that had the little notches in them like modern birds have that cradle the ends of pinion feathers."
Guy 3: "Pffff! So let me get this straight. You think there were big scary creatures called dinosaurs that were on the earth millions of years before people? HAH! That would be kind of tough, considering the Bible says that humans arrived on the sixth day of the entire universe. How do you explain that, dumbass?"
Just shut the fuck up, retard.
Hicks from some backwater hole in Appalachia where the whole town consists of four mobile homes, a gas station, and a couple of old broken washing machines, one of which now serves as a doghouse, who, when they hear that you want to travel to London (or insert New York, Paris, Munich, Tokyo, or anywhere else that's farther away and more interesting than Ed's Used Tires), their initial reaction is, "What the fuck you wanna go there for?" Oh yeah, and leave ALL THIS?
Dumbasses who lie to you to your face in a way that you are absolutely certain to discover they are lying very quickly and easily.
I see one of my employees in his street clothes clocking out about 45 minutes early. I ask him why he is leaving early. "Oh, I told Scott that I was done with my work and had some things to take care of at home and he said it was ok if I left early." I didn't want to step on the other manager's toes, so I let him go.
A few minutes later, I pass Scott in the hall and ask him if he had given the employee permission to leave. He replied, "Dave came to me and said that YOU told him it was okay for him to go home early, so I said that if you said it was okay, it was okay."
Basically the guy had told us both the same lie. I mean,. I could maybe understand if we were talking about a four year old kid who stole a cookie, but we're talking about a 45 year old man.
People who manage their finances in such a way that if the home office fucks up and sends the Thursday paychecks on Friday or misses two hours of overtime and puts them as back pay for the following week, they turn into Bill Paxton on "Aliens." "What the fuck? Oh my God! How the fuck am I supposed to get by like this? I'm fuckin' DOOMED, MAN! I'm FUCKED! Oh, man! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER!"
Neighbors who either make a shitload of noise all the time and annoy the shit out of you, or neighbors who are constantly annoyed by little noises like you walking around your apartment or running water who apparently sleep or go to work NEVER.
Snobby retards who consider themselves aficionados of comedy, who think that nothing has been funny since the Smothers Brothers.
People who turn fucking everything into a bullshit game of 20 questions.
"Cook that Hot Pocket."
"You want it cooked?"
"Yes."
"Hmmm... That's a Hot Pocket?"
"Yes."
"You want me to cook it?"
"Yes."
"Hmmm... I've never cooked one of these before. How do I cook it?"
"Follow the directions."
"What directions?"
"The directions on the box."
"This box?"
"Yes."
"Hmmmm... It says to place it in the sleeve, place it in the microwave, cook it on high power for 2 minutes, rotate it, then cook it for another 2 minutes, or until hot."
"Yep."
"Hmmm... This goes in the microwave?"
"Yes."
"But it's like a pie. Wouldn't that be better in a conventional oven?"
"No."
"But I think it would be more crispy. Why not give it a try?"
"Because it's not designed that way. Just do it like it says on the box."
"Hmmm... It's got cellophane on it. Do I take that off? They don't mention it in the instructions."
"You couldn't really put it in the sleeve if you didn't."
"But do I then put it back in the cellophane after I put it in the sleeve?"
"No."
"Do I put a certain side up?"
"The sleeve says 'This side up.' Put that side up."
"Does it matter how the pie is set in the sleeve? Like do I put the flat side or the curved side down?"
"Who cares?"
"Uh oh, the ends are sticking out of the ends of the sleeve. Is that okay?"
"It doesn't matter."
"What's the wattage on the microwave?"
"Who gives a shit? It's a Hot Pocket, not braised pheasant. It's going to be a crappy Hot Pocket regardless of how carefully you cook it."
"It says to rotate it after two minutes. How far should I rotate it?"
"It doesn't matter."
"If it didn't matter, why would they says to do it? Should I rotate it 90 degrees? 180?"
"180. Just cook the damn thing."
"It doesn't mention putting the sleeve on a plate or anything. Should I? I think the microwave will get dirty if I don't."
"Sure, use a plate."
"Will it change the cooking time?"
"No."
"Oh, hey. This microwave has a carousel. Do I still need to rotate it?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Do I still cook it for 2 minutes, stop it, then cook it for two more minutes?"
"No, just set it to 4 minutes and leave it in."
"Do I change the cooking time?"
"'....OR UNTIL HOT!' Just cook the fucker."
"I'm going on break soon. Should I get someone else to cook it?"
"NO. Just do it. Goddamn!"
"Okay..... It's bubbling, but it's only been 3 minutes, 45 seconds. Is it done?"
"'OR UNTIL HOT!'"
"You think it's done? It's been 4 minutes now."
"It's done."
"Stop the microwave?"
"Yes."
"Do I take it out?"
"No, you leave it there until the end of time. Of course you take it out."
"Is it hot though?"
"Of course it is."
"Should I like, get an oven mitt or a spatula or something to get it out?"
"Whatever."
"What do I do with the sleeve thing?"
"You save it for your future grandchildren. Throw it away."
"Hmmm.... Isn't it supposed to look like the picture on the box?"
"Hot Pockets never do. It's kind of accepted that it's going to look like a porpoise took a shit in a pie crust."
Here's how the conversation should go.
"Cook that Hot Pocket."
"Okay................ Here you go."
The white balding guy in the crowded airport terminal this morning at 4:45am doing Tai Chi. Welcome to crankyland, bean sprout. You're doing something pretentious for the purpose of being seen, and nobody here is in the mood to look at you, and we sure as fuck don't think you're interesting. Now calm the fuck down before I am overcome by the urge to throw my six dollar coffee at you.
Employers that take forever to deal with even the simplest and most mundane problems.
"Hello, this is Irving Stanwick, head of global distribution at Blah Blah Blah, the leading manufacturer of satellite telecommunications technology... Oh, Hi, Dave. The break room coffee machine is broken? Are you sure? Hmmmm..... Uhhhh..... Ooohhh..... Who would we call to fix it? Maybe building maintenance? Maybe Scott from accounting would know? Hmmm...."
Three Months Later
"Hello, Irving Stanwick. Oh, hi, Dave. The break room coffee machine is broken? Again? Oh, it was never fixed? Uhhhhhhh...... Hmmmmmm.... Did you talk to Judy from H.R.? I think maybe she knows who deals with the coffee machines."
"Thanks for a nation of finks...”
-William S. Burroughs, A Thanksgiving Prayer (1988)
New York City's "If you see something, say something" campaign. In tons of places in NYC, like on subways and buses, there are posters everywhere showing a mosaic of pictures of people's eyes. Under the eyes is text that reads, "There are 16 million eyes in New York City. We're counting on all of them." Below this is a phone number to call if you see "something suspicious," which is vague in the extreme. Of course they mean this will help keep us safe from terrorism, but, of course, none of the attacks on September 11th, 2001 would have been averted or even lessened by everyone in New York glancing suspiciously at everyone else and repeatedly smashing their speed dial, where they had stored the hotline as entry #1. To augment the already overbearing mass of posters everywhere, the subways frequently play an audio recording, vaguely warning to "Be alert to suspicious persons or activities." When I first saw the poster, it immediately reminded me of the dark piercing eyes of Big Brother glaring out from posters and video screens in the John Hurt rendition of "1984." A few years after the initial release and ubiquitous posting of the original "If you see something, say something" posters, they posted a follow-up poster, which no doubt, they intended as a positive, optimistic thing, but made my blood run even a little colder. "Last year, 1944 people saw something and said something." This is supposed to make me feel safer? Nearly 2000 busy-bodies made themselves public snitches and did the police's work for them, just because they saw something "suspicious." Of course, if they had ACTUALLY stopped any real terrorist threat, there is no doubt that it would have been trumpeted all over the national press as a grand success story, a testament to the great value of the surveillance state, where everyone watches everyone, and tells the authorities everything they see that they deem "suspicious." Instead, all we see is the number, which could mean anything. The number might not even be accurate, and might not have any bearing to the improvement of public safety. To quote the photographer who took the picture, "This means there were 1944 people who were terrified for no reason." All it means is, "You are being watched.... by everyone... so watch what you do. You wouldn't want someone to think you're doing something suspicious." I mean, you might be doing something EVIL, like forgetting your shopping bag in the subway, or, (gasp) taking a picture of something on the street. I mean, only a terrorist would do something like walk down the street in a quiet neighborhood by himself... AT NIGHT EVEN. Obviously you're up to no good, plotting the destruction of God, mom and apple pie. Of course, all this snitching is anonymous, which bypasses the 6th Amendment of the Constitution, and as always, fascists instantly equate "people having rights" to "being for the terrorists." (Note the "Fair and Balanced" journalistic integrity of the reporter. In the case in question, a passenger told the flight crew that some people were making him nervous because they were (gasp) muslim on a (gasp) plane, and the police came and took them off the plane, and it turned out they weren't doing shit, so the people sued. "I mean, GOD! What kind of country are we living in if you can't just report someone to the authorities and accuse them of terrorism when they aren't doing a fucking thing wrong without fear of repercussions?") I mean, maybe before they started a program where you can anonymously call a hotline and accuse people of terrorism, they should have remembered that there are some idiots in this country who are fucking hysterical and paranoid who think that everyone who is a darker shade of brown than them or wearing something other than a polo shirt and khakis is probably up to no good. Call me crazy, but I don't want to live in a country where the idea of freedom is being negligibly safer from terrorism because any asshole can point a finger at me and have me waterboarded because they thought I had a funny look in my eye and they got spooked over nothing.
Review sites that are such pussies that they're scared to commit to saying that item A is better than item B. Hey, assholes. You're a review site. That's the whole fucking point. Comparing shit to other shit. They are either scared to give real reviews or are definitely selling something. Like recently I was contemplating changing my cell phone service (Something about the fact that my Sprint phone sometimes will be "roaming" standing right next to City Hall in the most populous city in the fucking US, because Sprint sucks the scabs off a meth whore's cum-encrusted anal sphincter. <--- Honest review). I googled "wireless service reviews." While some of the sites seemed to offer legitimate info, most would go on and on about, "What you want to do is find the carrier that's right for you, and here's a ton of information on every aspect of mobile phone service, but of course, we never name company names show prices or commit to saying that feature A is better than feature B. So basically, we're just creating more homework for you to do before switching phone services, when you actually came here to get your homework done. Blah blah blah, CDMA, blahbitty blah blah, GSM, blah bleee bloo blah, PCS blah blah blah...." Fuck you. ONE IS BETTER THAN THE OTHERS. WHICH ONE IS IT? THAT IS THE ONLY INFORMATION I NEED. Give me ratings, give me user reviews, give me prices. Oh, and YOU CAN TAKE DOWN THAT REVIEW YOU DID IN 2004, ASSHOLES. It's still fucking showing up on Google on the first page when you search for wireless service reviews, as though it's still fucking relevant to anything.
Here's a perfect example. It's December 20th, 2007. What is currently the best videocard available for gaming? "Ahh, well, the new Nvidia blahbitty blah is capable of producing 32 gagillion triangles per second with polyblah blah shading and blah blahbitty mhz frontside bus blah blah blah blahhhh... and of course the new ATI blah blah blah runs at 208 million blah blahs per blah blah blah with a framerate of blah blah blah with a blahbity blah processor for anti-aliasing blah blah blah..... Here, look at some cryptic mathematical graphs that all look pretty much the same and might or might not show pertinent information." YES, BUT WHAT IS THE BEST? I have 600 bucks in my hand and I'm looking for something that runs games better than anything else in that price range. WHAT IS IT? You know the fucking answer. GIVE IT TO ME. STOP BEING SUCH PUSSIES AND GROW A GODDAMN SPINE.
Even though I know it would probably be the shittiest job in the world, I always wanted to work at Home Depot just so I could refer to my boss as the Home Despot.
Guys who act like there's something wrong with you when you see a girl who is physically attractive, but dumb as a box of hair, and you are actually turned off by her stupidity. They say something like, "Whoa, look at that," and then when you qualify your agreement with, "Well, yeah, she's built nice, but she seems kind of doofy," they give you that look like, "What, are you a faggot?" No, but there's only so much enjoyment I can get from fucking someone who is borderline retarded.
Gee, maybe we'll eventually stop fucking for a second and have to actually talk to each other, and I'd rather not have to entertain a conversation that begins with, "I love Christmas trees! They're so purty! When I get my own apartment I'm gonna have ten Christmas trees and I'm gonna leave them up all year long! That way it's like Christmas all the time! And every year I'm gonna get another Christmas tree until the apartment is nothing but Christmas trees! YAY, CHRISTMAS TREES! YAAYYYY!!!'"
People who aren't diabetic who are paranoid about the sugar content of foods with a negligible sugar content.
"Would you like some Shredded Wheat?"
"Oh God no! Do you know how much sugar that has in it?"
"Yeah, enough that you can't even goddamn taste it. I mean, when I eat food that tastes like hay, I think 'boy, this is like eating hay-flavored candy.'"
People who should be pushing mops who are in positions where they need to deal with people.
*Ring, ring*
"Hello, this is blah blah with blah blah company."
"Hello......."
"...... How can I help you?"
"This is security......"
"...... Yes, what can I do for you?"
"There's somebody down here....."
"..... Who is it?"
"There's someone here....."
"....... Yes, who is it?"
"Oh, hold on...... He's making a delivery."
"What is he delivering?"
"Yeah, delivery......"
"WHAT is he delivering?
"He says he has a delivery for blah blah at the blah blah company...."
"Yes, but what is it?"
"Delivery."
"Can you send him up?"
"*Scoff* No....."
"Okay, I'll come down, but what is he delivering? Do I need to bring a cart or something?"
"I dunno. He says he has a delivery."
"But what is it? Is it big? What is he delivering?"
"Can I put you on hold for a second?"
"Okay."
"............... Hello?"
"Hello."
"So are you coming down?"
"What is being delivered? Is it large or heavy?"
"Should I tell the guy you are coming down?"
"Fine! I'll be down there in a second."
I go down and the delivery is a little cake in a shopping bag. For all I knew it could have been a palate of soft drink cases.
The fact that there are a million high security buildings and areas in New York City where a million retarded tourists are constantly debating with a million security guards about, "Can I go inside? But why not? But I just want to see it. But why can't I? I'm not gonna do nothin'. I just wanna see it. Why can't I?" BECAUSE YOU CAN'T, IDIOT! Because it's the United Nations building and MAYBE they don't allow every random retard who feels like it stroll through the front door and start taking pictures, or maybe shoot world leaders in the head, dipshit.
That unclever "Sheeple" thing that I have heard in a million places in the last couple of months. I had heard this before, but now I'm hearing it everywhere from videogames to car advertisements. Of course, retards still think the dumb pun is witty. "See, because sheep follow the flock, and people who follow the flock are, heh-heh, SHEEP-ple, get it? Because they're like SHEEP-PEOPLE, heh-heh. Get it?" The irony is that I'm hearing it from a million angles at once, so who's the fucking sheeple now?
Incomplete or incorrect walk-throughs for videogames. While most games can be figured out by simply paying attention, some games, particularly RPG's, can be completely infuriating unless you get some hints here and there. There's really no way they can expect you to know to randomly trade four cicada shells to the guy hiding in the barrel at G-17 when you can't even see him, and there's a million other people to talk to, and how the fuck are you supposed to know what cicada shells are for, particularly when even if you talk to the barrel guy, he just says something cryptic like, "Boy, I sure would like to help you, but it seems I'm lacking something"? And here all this time you've been throwing them away because they take up inventory space and they sell for only 1 gremf. So you go online, and search for a walkthrough. You hit the first match, and find a walkthrough for missions 1-8 out of 52 missions needed to complete the main story line. THANKS FOR NOTHING, FUCKASS!
The somewhat disappointing truth about presidential approval polls. When President Bush gets a 30% approval rating, that doesn't mean that people think he's doing a 30% job, it means that 30% of Americans still think, "Ya-huh, he doing GOOD GOOD job for America! He is GOOD and SMART. He CHRISTIAN too, what means he is MORAL and GOOD! Also he pertecting us from terrists like Osama bin Saddam, who I think is in the Middle East somewheres in England. That's important, cuz he wanna shoot us with a nuculur bomb cuz he hate freedom. I seen a nuculur bomb once on Terminator 2 and it was scary cuz that lady done turned into a skeleton, and that skeleton was screamin'! Now, if there's one thang I know', it's that I ain't never wanna meet no damn screamin' skeletons, SHIT-FIRE! He GOOD president, doing GOOD GOOD JOB, yea-up!"
People who are WAY too goddamn stupid to be on TV, but are anyway. "I don't think anything predated Christians." "Uhhhh, the Greeks came before them, then the Romans, then Christians." "Jesus came first, before them." EVEN THE GODDAMN BIBLE NEVER SAID NOTHING CAME BEFORE JESUS, RETARD. Mary and Joseph were BC characters. That's What B-C FUCKING MEANS! IT MEANS "BEFORE CHRIST!" EVEN THE MOST DEVOUT CHRISTIANS BELIEVE THAT SHIT HAPPENED BEFORE THE GODDAMN BIRTH OF CHRIST! HOLY FUCK! I Wonder how that job interview went.
"So, what do you think you have to offer? What can you bring to The View?"
"Well, I can speak on a broad range of subjects like DOIIIIIIII and DURRRRRRRHHHH.".
People with some kind of "two soup cans and a string" internet connection that drops all the time who use IM programs. Beefmonkey is online.... 2 minutes later.... Beefmonkey is offline...... 30 seconds later.... Beefmonkey is online.... 5 minutes later..... Beefmonkey is offline.... 30 seconds later.... Beefmonkey is online.... 3 minutes later..... Beefmonkey is offline.....
No, I will not go to some site to give your podcast a five star review even though you take five minutes out of every show to explain how easy it is and how important it is, so shut up about it. Easily over half of podcasts do this, and to me all it is is extra bullshit to fill up iPod space and extra time to download. If I download 12 podcasts, that's an hour of begging for ratings right there. Here's a little common sense... I listen to podcasts... on an iPod... and I don't listen to my iPod unless I'm out and about... and if I'm out and about.... I CAN'T FUCKING GO TO SOME WEBSITE AND VOTE ANYWAY, and when I'm at home, I plug my iPod in to charge, and I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT YOUR PODCAST AT THAT POINT. In fact, there are podcasts I try out and don't like, and I'm not even thinking about it enough to remember to unsubscribe. Sorry to burst your bubble, but your podcast is not the most important thing to happen to me in my day. Stop it. It's stupid.
TV shows that do segments on people with severe physical deformities, and the TV shows are, of course, totally depending on a voyeuristic public to get ratings. They then take the people out in public and play the intolerance card when people stare. "Why are you staring? That's not acceptable." Oh, gee. Why are people staring? Maybe they're never seen a set of siamese triplets joined at the face and are inquisitive, the same fucking reason you made this segment, in hopes that people would be eager to do their inquisitive staring from the comfort of their living room sofas.
People who are 32 chronologically and 14 emotionally.
"Baby In The Well" news stories. Of course, I don't necessarily specifically mean stories about babies stuck in wells. I mean any news story about something dumb and emotional, although truly insignificant on a cosmic scale, that the media goes apeshit over, and then spends weeks covering and distracting the public from all the real bullshit that's going on. Insert "trapped miners," "lost mountain climbers," "Terri Shiavo," "Jon Benet," "OJ," "domestic hostage situation," "armed stand-off," etc. in place of "baby in a well," as applicable. Paris Hilton stubbed her toe. Discuss.
A baby falls down a well. Within minutes, news crews are on the scene. An alert simultaneously flashes across the screen on Fox, MSNBC and CNN, interrupting coverage on the Iraq war. Some asshole graphic designer has already made an elaborate computer animated sequence with dramatic theme music that will flash on the screen before and after every commercial break for the next two weeks. "SAVING BABY CHRISTINE!" All the channels immediately place a box in the upper left hand side of the screen showing a 24 hour a day live video feed from a camera pointed down into the well, which simply shows blackness. Of course, the well-watch cam is not inset during commercial breaks, because beneath the surface the whole purpose behind this hoopla is generating commercial revenue.
Then they bring in a seemingly endless stream of "experts" for their live 24 hour a day coverage. A pediatric nutritionist is brought in to talk about how many days the baby could survive without food. A pediatric orthopedic surgeon is brought in to speculate on the injuries the baby might have sustained from the fall based on nothing but guessing. A geologist is brought in to discuss the kinds of rocks that the well is made of. A well builder talks about the design of the well. A survival specialist is brought in to speculate on how much cooler it would be at the bottom of the well and whether the baby will get hypothermia. The owner of the company that designed the winch that they are using to try to get the baby out comes on to tell all about the winch, and they show lots of CGI and stock footage of the winch being used in various applications. A 21 year old guy who made a short student film about a baby in a well for college credit is brought in to discuss the similarities between his film and the baby in the well. They interview a family whose baby fell in a well a few years ago and caused a media storm, so they can describe what it was like to have their baby stuck in a well. A psychologist is brought in to speculate on the emotional state of the baby. Some random weirdo with a distracting beard is brought in to speculate on the amount and quality of the water at the bottom of the well. Some political pundit asshole is brought in to bitch that the government isn't doing enough to protect America's babies from the scourge of wells. There are copious computer animated diagrams showing the well depth and where the baby might be stuck, but of course, they're all just guessing.
Inevitably, when someone from the local hick police force or EMT or whatever calls a press conference, or whenever anyone does anything to maybe do anything to get the kid out of the well, they immediately cut to that as a NEWS FLASH. "Well it appears that they are setting up some sort of tripod on which to maybe mount a winch. Sarah, do we have any further information on this tripod?" "Yes, John, it appears that they ARE INDEED setting up a tripod of some sort. Whether the tripod will be a mount for a winch or maybe something else, we do not know, uhh, at this time." Four hours pass and the tripod still has nothing mounted to it, but the live coverage continues, complete with "expert" commentary. "So in your expert opinion, what are we looking at?" "Well, it appears to be a tripod.... Hang on, wait a second... one... two..... three.... Yes it is a tripod. A tripod, of course has three legs. If it had four or more legs, we would be looking at something else. I can tell from here that it is most likely made of metal, though what kind of metal I do not know. Ummm... Couldn't we, uhh... just ask the rescuers what's up with the tripod?" "SHUT UP! WE'VE KILLED FOUR HOURS ON THIS THING! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY IPHONE AND GEICO COMMERCIALS WE'VE PLAYED IN THAT TIME? If they just tell us what it is, we'll have to think of something else to talk about! You don't want that, do you?" "No, uhh, of course not... So I'm not sure of the weight capacity of this tripod, so I really can't guess on its suitability to lift Christine out of the well, or maybe...." etc. etc.
Of course, every 20 seconds, they cut away from the talking heads to show the same montage of stock footage of the well and home videos and pictures of the baby OVER AND OVER AND OVER. They also occasionally enlarge the inset well-watch cam to fullscreen so you can get a closer look at pitch blackness. Of course, about once an hour they drag out the poor, distraught parents to talk live to the media about how they are praying and trying to hold onto hope, and they give the bloodthirsty media the ratings-driving prize they want: tears.
A week later the 24 hour coverage is still going on. The well-watch cam box in the corner has been upgraded from a camera that picks up visible light to an infrared camera, so instead of a black rectangle, the rectangle now shows a green doughnut that fades to a pitch black center. The talking heads are still speculating. The tone has shifted to "Who can the family sue if the baby is not recovered alive?" "Mister Politician who is up for election, where do you stand on the move to outlaw all wells?" The talking heads talk, and the montage of the little girl and the well plays again and again.
After two weeks they finally recover the little girl's dead body. It turns out that the baby died in the initial fall and has been dead the whole two weeks. The 24 hour well-watch cam is turned off and is replaced by a repeating loop of people holding candles and bringing flowers to the family's home.
The media gets it's teary-eyed interview with the family, who look like they haven't slept for the entire two weeks. The talking heads keep talking and talking as public interest begins to wane. The media has milked the story dry.
They have managed to keep the public enthralled by a spectacle and keep their sponsors happy for two solid weeks without having to do a shred of real journalistic work.
"Such a tragic end to such a dramatic story. Now we bring you back to Iraq, where political factions are working towards a deal to.... Just a moment. We have just received a news alert that five members of a Boy Scout Troop have become lost in the woods in Washington State!" And the dramatic theme music blasts as an animated CGI logo fills the screen: "THE SEARCH FOR TROOP 168!"
Rich fucks with horrific teeth. Seriously, sometimes you'll see these corporate CEO's and heads of state and their teeth look like they are made entirely of tartar. Like you know you could easily scratch off a big cake of goop off the front of their incisors and squish it out from under your fingernail like a wad of camembert cheese. They appear on your TV screen and you can smell the hallitosis in your living room. Seriously, assholes. You could wipe your asses with hundred dollar bills. How could you let your teeth decay until they look like an ant farm? If I had your money my smile would fucking blind people.
So, I just saw a guy who was wearing an oversized t-shirt down to his knees with Tupac Shakur on the front. He was wearing the standard issue oversized Roca Wear jeans with the waistline at about his mid thighs. These cascaded down and bunched up over his sparklingly brand new white Nikes. His forearms were covered in gangsta looking tattoos. He was smoking and had one of those annoying 2-way radio cell phones, which, of course, he had cranked up to full volume for effect, so we could all hear the lovely "Sups" and "Yo, where you ats." Oh, I might have forgotten to mention, he was an Indian guy wearing a turban. Soooo... You've completely assimilated all the dumbest things in American culture, but kept the one thing that might make sense to lose. Yeah, that makes sense.
Isn't it about time to stop electing people to plan our future who believe that God is going to come down and take all his chosen people bodily to heaven sometime probably before next Tuesday?
Those horrible zits that look like shit and swell and hurt, but never rise close enough to the surface to pop. Like you'll have this big red volcano looking thing on your chest or the back of your neck, and it sticks out far enough that you can easily align your index finger and thumb on it. Then you squeeze and squeeze and then switch to using both your thumbs, and you continue to squeeze harder and harder. You can see a little plasma emerging on the skin, but the thing simply won't pop. You can feel something that feels like a ball bearing deep inside it. You keep squeezing and then you feel the ball bearing crunch. At that point things get a little hazy because you lose consiousness from the pain. When you come to, you look down at your chest and the thing is swelled up like a big red fucking golfball. A month later the thing still hasn't popped, despite many attempts, and you start to feel like it will always be there, like a third nipple.
People who combine their dumb superstitions.
"What if the Star of Bethlehem was really a UFO flown by alien greys?"
"What if your stupidity is contagious?"
Companies with telephone operators who transfer you repeatedly so you have to reexplain your entire problem to multiple people who have no idea what you are calling about.
"Hello, retail services."
"Hello, my name is Joe Blow and I ordered a box of widgets about three weeks ago and I haven't received them yet."
"Do you have your order number?"
"Yes, it's order number 105672."
"Hmmmmm............ Could I put you on hold for a moment?"
"Sure."
A couple of minutes pass.
"Hello, order tracking."
"Uhhh.... Yes, my name is Joe Blow, and I was trying to track my order. I placed an order for some widgets about three weeks ago and I haven't received them yet."
"Do you have your order number?"
"105672."
"Hmmmm........ Were these the three inch widgets?"
"Four inch."
"Hmmm......... Could I put you on hold for a moment?"
"Sure."
A couple of minutes pass.
"Widget development, this is Dave, how can I help you."
"Uhhh.... Sorry, I think they might have sent me to the wrong extension."
"Did you have a problem with widgets?"
"Yes."
"Were these the three or four inch widgets?"
"Four."
"Are they not working?"
"I haven't received my order yet."
"Oh... Sorry, what did you say your name was?"
"Joe Blow."
"Could you hold for a moment?"
"Sure."
A couple of minutes pass.
"Hello, this is customer service. Is this mister Blow?"
"Yes."
"I was told you wanted to place and order for some four inch widgets."
"No, I ordered a box of widgets three weeks ago and have not received them yet."
"Oh, uhhhh... Could you hold for a moment?"
"*Sigh...* Sure."
"Hello, distribution."
"I ordered a box of four inch, not three inch, widgets three weeks ago and I haven't received them. My order number is 105672. DON'T TRANSFER ME!"
Dumb fashion companies that haven't been in style since my childhood that keep hanging on and waiting for that big comeback. Hear me, Reebok? That Rbk shit isn't fooling anyone. What's that, Jordache? Did you say something?
People who randomly add unnecessary words to sentences because they think it makes them sound smarter. I just overheard one side of a phone conversation that made my eye twitch. The lady was using her very best rehearsed sophisticated voice.
"I had emailed her yesterday, and I had asked her to bring pens to the meeting. She had said she would bring them."
If you took every "had" out of that quote, it would be proper English.
People who, when their current course of action proves completely fruitless, continue doing exactly the same thing again and again.
This waiter was using his two-way radio to try to contact another waiter.
"*Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... " he said repeatedly in the exact same tone.
Finally, I said, "Just go find him." As I said it, it looked as though he snapped out of a trance.
People who are angry at you for not having information that you truly have no reason to have.
"I wanted to get a price quote for an LCD projector rental for a meeting."
"Sorry, sir. We're the catering company. We don't deal with AV setups. You need to get that price quote from the AV-Media department."
"So you don't know? Psssht! What's their phone number?"
"Uhhh... Hang on, let me look it up for you."
"DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?" Then the phone makes a loud clattering sound as he hangs up with a slam.
People whose default facial expression is as though someone is holding a plate of dog diarrhea under their chin.
People who want you to be on time for something so they ask you to be there WAY earlier than necessary. Like today I was told to arrive at a meeting at 7am. Of course, the meeting was way out in the middle of nowhere, so I had to get up at 3am to make it there on time. When I arrived at 7am they told me to grab some coffee and wait for the meeting to start. The meeting started at 9:30. Fuck you.
Commercials that depict customer service calls as being absolutely no hassle to the absurd extent that even the most optimistic viewer would scoff, "BULLLLLLLLSHIIIIIIT!"
A guy is checking his bank account online and sees a purchase for 2000 dollars that he didn't make. He picks up the phone and calls customer service. The scene cuts to a very attractive girl in a suit wearing a headset in a very clean and organized call center. Everyone in the background is busy gleefully helping other customers. The girl is smiling ear to ear and sounds genuinely happy to hear from the guy. "Thank you for calling Providence Bank. How may I help you today?"
"I believe I may be the victim of credit fraud. There's a charge for 2000 dollars on my account that wasn't me."
"I am sorry to hear that, Mister Smith. We have credited the 2000 dollars to your account."
"But... I didn't even tell you my name. How did you--" The guy hits refresh on his web browser and the $2000 credit shows in his account immediately. "Huh? Uhh, wow! That was easy! Thanks!"
"No problem. Is there anything else I can help you with today? Foot massage, maybe?"
"Sure! Thanks!"
People who are barely even famous who have Wikipedia pages about them that they obviously wrote themselves. Compare the congratulatory fanboy tone and extensive "triva" bits of the previous article to one about someone who is inarguably more well known, admired, and successful, whose career is much more extensive and whose most notable work is a household name and has been enjoyed by millions of people worldwide for over a decade. Oh, and uhh, if your agent wrote it for you, you're still a laughable douche.
That dumbass, predictable "joking but serious" shit when you walk by someone with pizza, beer, liquor, flowers, etc. etc. "Awww! You brought that for me? Why, thank you!"
People who can't adjust to changes in their jobs even when given way more than an adequate adjustment period.
"Agh! I still can't figure out these new expense reports! Why can't they just use the expense reports we had before?"
"Uhhh, they changed the expense report format in 2002."
"Well, the old ones were easier to use."
"Well, tough shit."
Unemployed people who list their employment status as "self-employed."
And the dumbass of the year award goes to...
I ordered some food for delivery. The total was 14 bucks. The delivery driver shows up and I hand him a 20 dollar bill. He asks me if I have anything other than a 20 and says that he has no change. "Really? You have NO change," I ask in disbelief, and he shakes his head.
He stands there with my 20 in his hand looking frustrated and stupid. I could almost hear his meager mental hardware clinking and clanking in his head. His brain apparently couldn't come up with anything reasonable, so he went into "throw up hands" mode. "Well, I don't have any change," he says as I start to get the impression that he's thinking the transaction is complete.
"Well, you aren't getting a six dollar tip." This seemed to have the "splash of cold water" effect and I could see him trying to think again. At this point I was getting really pissed. It was bad enough that it took like an hour for my food to arrive, and now I have Lenny Small on my doorstep who didn't figure that he would need any change. My fucking order is between 10 and 20 dollars. Nearly every ATM gives you 20 dollar bills. That makes the odds of me handing him a 20 dollar bill pretty goddamn high, and he didn't think this would come up? At this point it seems like this could go on all day, and since seeing this guy's dopey face is making me angrier and angrier the longer I look at it, I decide to do something before I haul off and hit him. Punching pizza guys is generally frowned upon, and it's not like he doesn't know where I live.
"Look. Forget it." The words again seem to have a "Snap out of it" effect. "I don't want the pizza anymore. Tell your boss you couldn't make change for me and the customer was annoyed and sent it back."
Finally, this ultimatum seemed to make this guy realize that solutions existed that were outside of just standing there in front of my door looking retarded. "Wait. I'll go get change. Give me the 20 dollars and I'll bring back your change."
"Uhhh, if I give you 20 dollars, you're going to leave and go about your day."
"Uhhhh, okay, I'll take the pizza and go to the bank and get change and come back."
"Uhhh, if that pizza goes with you, after all this, sorry, but I don't think I trust that nothing bad will happen to it before I eat it. Even if you don't do something to it, it will be stone cold."
The guy chuckled a little. I guess I foiled his plot to put his balls on my pizza. "Uhhhhh....."
He was starting to go back into impasse mode, so I presented the solution. "Leave the pizza here. You know where to find me. Go back to your store, get change, come back, and I will pay you." His eyes lit up, as though I had a great solution that he wouldn't have thought of in a million years.
Absurd or unnecessary "because I said so" rules or precautions.
"Whoa! You can't take that cart on the elevator."
"Why not?"
"Well, you could damage the elevator."
"Look. The cart plus what's on it weighs about 100 pounds. I think it's safe so say that's considerably less than you or me. Its wheels are made of rubber, just like the soles of my shoes. Obviously, I know I will get in trouble if I scratch the sides of the elevator, so I promise I won't let the cart touch the sides or door of the elevator. Plus, there's a camera in there if you care to make sure. Also, there's nobody in the elevator, so it would be just me and the cart, with no possibility of bumping into someone else, or having someone else bump the cart and scratch the sides of the elevator."
"It doesn't matter. You can't take that cart in the elevator."
Radio stations that still have "CD" in their jingle or call name. "You're listening to CD 101.5!" OOOOOHHHHH! CD's! They're HI-TECH! It's awesome that you're boasting that you're using 25 year old technology that's on the verge of obsolescence! WOW! You're not just 101.5, you're CD 101.5! Fucking WOOT!
People who go on the subway with a big purse, a tote bag, a back pack, another tote bag, a laptop case, and a rolling carry-on bag with another bag sitting on top of it. Hey asshole, if you need a mobile office, buy a fucking car..
Today I had to use the LIRR train because my job had me working way out in the sticks. The eastbound train was due to arrive at 7:55. I arrived at the station and waited in the ticket line. The bitch in the booth worked as slowly as possible. When I got to the counter, the train was coming into the station. I told her my destination and said I wanted a round trip. She made this stink-face and said, "The next train doesn't get here until 8:36."
I said, "The train is right here NOW."
She says in this ho-hum tone, "Yeah, but you're not going to catch that train."
"I WILL IF YOU GIVE ME MY TICKET."
After some huffing and puffing and ghetto mumbling she gave me my ticket and change and I ran and slipped in the door of the 7:55 train as it was closing. It was too bad I couldn't simultaneously be on the train and telling this dumb bitch off and giving her the one finger salute of "I told you so." To think this bitch had just DECIDED that I was going to be 40 minutes late AND would have to pay the higher "Peak" rate for my ticket when the train I wanted was within reach if she would just stop being retarded. I remember when these fucking ticket tellers bitched and moaned when the MTA started making ATM-like ticket vending machines, saying that they would take away jobs. The only reason I went to the teller instead of the machine was to get, uhhh.... I think in the olden days they called it "service." It's pretty fucking bad when a machine can give me far better service than a person. Would the machine keep me waiting around to hear its opinion on whether I will make the train if I run for it? Fuck you. I hope a machine does take your job. In fact I hope someone makes a machine whose only functions are making your children cry while kicking you in the twat.
More on the LIRR:
This morning my job wanted me to be way out in the the middle of nowhere by 7am. Soooo... I have a choice. Either I can arrive there 43 minutes early, or 51 minutes late. You would think they could have more frequent trains since all the commuters are paying 12 bucks. Oh wait. What am I thinking? The MTA giving halfway decent service for a reasonable price? Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.
People who operate a podcast that consists entirely of other people's music, who go for long periods of time between updates, citing "lack of creative inspiration." Uhhh... The fucking music is there. All you do is pick songs and make a podcast. There's very little demand for your personal creativity. Just fucking do it. If my goal was to make a podcast of various artists' music, I could crank out hundreds of ten song shows, creating play lists much faster than the songs could even be compiled into podcasts. I could even stay within genre and mood constraints. Take your "writer's block" and shove it up your ass. You're just lazy.
While it can make the work day go by faster if you are allowed play music in the office, almost nothing can make the day more agonizing than working in a place where they play shitty music. Try working 9+ hours a day listening to country music. It's enough to make someone go postal.
People who don't understand that there is a lot of gray area between "Go out and have a few drinks with your friends" and "Get so drunk you throw up all over yourself and pass out and have to be taken home by one of your friends an hour after arriving at the bar."
People who spam their MySpace friends list and email address book to "get out the vote" for some candidate who: A.) I have already expressed my disliking of directly to the sender, B.) Is considered to be either a complete douchebag or wing-nut by most people and is only liked by a tiny group of people who are fucked in the heads, and C.) Because of B could never win in a million fucking years... ARE YOU LISTENING, RON PAUL '08 RETARDS? Oh, and for the record, as of October, '07, I'm not supporting anyone for president. There's really nobody but douchebags running, and it's a typical presidential election, like always. You have the Democrats, who seem to always pick their candidates as though they are designed to lose, wholly relying on the misguided "well, at least we're not republicans" strategy that they should have learned doesn't work when Kerry lost to an incumbent whose approval rating was in the 30-40% range, and on the other side you have a geezer actor, a crazy cultist who flip-flops on abortion rights just to get votes, and a former mayor who is the only person on the planet that used 9/11 to enhance his career more than Osama Bin Laden did. I haven't seen a worse spread since Goatse.cx.
Tests and certifications that the government makes you do which are basically just ways to make you waste time and pay money. Like recently I had to take a 15 hour class and take a test to get certified in New York City in food safety. The cost of the class was $108.00. If you run a restaurant and there is not a manager or supervisor on the premises with a food handling certification card, and the Health Department comes to inspect, it is a critical violation with a huge fine, and you run the risk of having your restaurant shut down. So I took the class and test. The stupid thing is that a fucking chimp could pass. The test was 50 questions, and you can miss as many as 15 and pass. Personally, if you miss anywhere close to 15, I want to know what restaurant you work at so I can avoid eating there. The test had maybe 2 or 3 questions where you had to actually remember a number or think for more than half a second. Most of the questions were like this (Actual question from the test.):
The reason chicken must be cooked to an internal temperature of 165 degrees is:
A.) To improve the flavor.
B.) To increase business.
C.) To give the food a pleasant color.
D.) To kill salmonella bacteria which can spread food borne illness.
REALLY? I had to take a class to learn that? Not only is the correct answer obvious, but the question and answer contain the only important information that you might have to remember. It's as though the question is a lesson. Seriously, you could get almost every question right, even if you didn't take the class, if you had an iota of common sense. I got 100% on the test. The guy in front of me missed fucking TEN... And this fuck gets the same card I do. You seriously might as well just have a window where you walk up, pay $108.00, and they give you a card. If that guy missed ten questions on that EASY AS FUCK test, he's gonna fucking kill someone.
People who, when you fuck up, go into this passive aggressive "helpful" mode to thoroughly rub it in.
"Good morning. Do you have that report I need?"
"Aaah! Sorry, I forgot! Give me a few minutes and I'll finish it up."
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, I just forgot, I'm sorry. It shouldn't take long. Just give me a few minutes."
"No, I'm sorry. It might be my fault."
"Huh?"
"I must not have communicated clearly how important that report is."
"No, I understood, I just got caught up in other things and forgot."
"No, I think I need to get more in tune with how to communicate with you. Is there something more that I could do for you so you and I could be more on the same wavelength? Would you like for me to email you assignments in addition to asking you? Maybe I could install a new bulletin board in here to list what reports I need."
"That's not necessary. I was just busy yesterday and forgot."
"No, no. I'm going to call facilities when I get back to my desk to have a bulletin board put in. Would you like for me to put a message on your voicemail too?"
"No, that's not necessary."
"I just want to help you as much as I can."
THANK YOU! I GET IT! I FUCKED UP! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE, ASSHOLE!
People who, when you fuck up, go into this passive aggressive feigned inability to understand how this could happen to thoroughly rub it in.
"Good morning. Do you have that report I need?"
"Aaah! Sorry, I forgot. Give me a few minutes to finish it up."
"You didn't do it?"
"No, sorry."
"But... How did..... Wait, you really didn't do any of it?"
"Sorry, I was busy yesterday and I forgot."
"Wait, wait, wait... I'm trying to wrap my head around this. You knew the report was important, right?"
"Yeah."
"And you didn't do it?"
"I forgot."
"But if you knew it was important, how is it possible to forget about it?"
"I don't know. I just got busy with other stuff and it got put on the back burner."
"But.... I don't understand how you could put it on the back burner if you knew it was important."
Of course, this conversation could go on indefinitely, and these conversations usually will, until you finally say, "THANK YOU! I GET IT! I FUCKED UP! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE, ASSHOLE!"
People who say, "Dammit! I'm fed up with this shit. How am I supposed to get by? I work a shitload of hours, hardly ever see my kids, and my wife works too, and we can still barely pay the bills because the rent, utilities, phone, cable, etc. just go up and up and every year I get my review and they give me a teeny tiny raise that doesn't even begin to cover the increase in the cost of living. I guess I should be happy they give me anything at all, because it's not like my workplace is unionized. And then the cost of healthcare is going through the roof, and there's no way I can afford insurance, and my job doesn't offer me any benefits, and Medicare doesn't cover enough. I've had a bad knee and a really bad cough for years, but I can't possibly support my family if I spend money to get it checked, and if I had to miss any work, we'd be totally screwed. I'm so sick of how corporations have so much power in government. It's like nothing gets done unless some Fortune 500 assholes want it. And of course, I pay way too much in taxes, and those rich fat cats don't pay nearly their fair share! And then there's that goddamn war! The government is spending all it's money on this stupid war that we never should have gotten in, and may never get out of, when we have real problems here at home that need fixing. My brother was supposed to be home from Iraq months ago, but they keep sending him back and extending his tours. If this keeps up, there's going to be a draft, but of course, just like in Vietnam, all those rich assholes will find ways to keep their kids out of harm's way, and it'll be the little guy that gets stepped on again, just like with everything else. I've had it! They'll be hearing my anger in the voting booth this November! That's right! I'm gonna vote.... Republican!"
People who apparently do nothing all day but take FUCKING MEANINGLESS online quizzes and post them on bulletins on Myspace. I have retards that post the results of 6 or 7 quizzes every day on Myspace bulletins and almost always, the questions are completely irrelevant to anything. Do these people think that anyone actually reads that shit?
"1. When was the last time you were in a car?" Today.
2. "Have you ever been to see a movie with anyone on your friends list?" Yes.
3. "What is your third favorite food?" Meatloaf.
4. "Have you ever been to Ohio?" Yes.
5. "What day of the week were you born on?" I dunno! LOL!
6. "Are you good at math?" No.
7. "What color are your mother's eyes?" Blue.
8. "Have you ever gone skydiving?" No.
9. "Where was the best place you ever went on vacation?" The Bahamas.
10. "Do you like apples?" Yes.
11. "Do you believe in reincarnation?" No.
12. "Have you ever eaten Thai food?" Yes.
WOW! I FEEL LIKE I KNOW YOU SO MUCH BETTER NOW! THANK YOU FOR SHARING THESE DEEP AND REVEALING FACTS WITH ME! The only thing I learned is that you're apparently stupid.
People who think they're going to get real change in Congress by reelecting the same douchebags that have been there for 20 years. "Oh boy! I could never live with myself if some conservative took that seat. I'd better elect Joe Lieberman to another term."
You could hear the collective forehead slap as gay rights activists everywhere, who had been working their whole lives to promote acceptance, shouted, "FUUUUUCK!" as all their hard work was nullified in two minutes and eleven seconds.
"CONGRATULATIONS! You have been selected to receive two free iPod Nanos!" FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU!
Invariably, people will occasionally blurt out "fuck" on live TV. A person will say "nigger" or "faggot" or something else that pisses a lot of people off. In steps the media gestapo to make rules and impose fines and bring the hammer down with complete disregard for free speech. Then, self-professed champions of free speech step in and say the dumbest thing they could ever say in hopes of saving free speech. "What's the big deal? They're just words. Words have no power. I mean, why is everyone so angry? Words can't hurt anybody. They're just words, geeez!" Just words? Hey, idiot, words ARE important. Should people have a heart attack and get all self righteous when they hear a word they don't like? Probably not, but words ARE powerful. Words ARE important. Words CAN affect people. Not only is the free exchange of ideas perhaps the most important factor of democracy, but without words, we would probably still be trying to perfect the stone axe. Imagine humanity unable to communicate complex ideas, feelings, instructions. Words aren't just important, they're probably the most important thing to make us something more than chimps with less hair and upper body strength. Using the "They're just words" argument is like trying to defend women's rights by saying, "What's the big deal? They're just women. What could some silly, little women do? You people are getting all worked up over some little, powerless, pathetic women? It's not like anyone is really listening to what they're saying, so who cares?"
By the way, I am definitely not a huge fan of words like "faggot" or "nigger," but I have the foresight enough to know that people who preach freedom are contradicting themselves when they would limit what people can say and think. Freedom is the freedom to say cunt, shit, asshole, fuck, tits, motherfucker, cock, etc. etc. etc. as well as the freedom to say, well, you know... the N word and the F-a-g-g-o-t word too. Oh, and, uhh, this trend of making celebrities who say or do things that offend your delicate sensibilities apologize and go to rehab and sensitivity training is getting pretty fucking absurd. Every day some famous retard calls someone something, and then has to do Al Sharpton-supervised community outreach and go to counseling, and it's getting pretty goddamn tedious.
People with ridiculously outdated political views. "You know, this country has been in a real downward spiral since they gave women the right to vote." Shut up, retard.
Spammers who use some name in the "from" field that is HIGHLY unlikely. I mean, okay, you're from China, and maybe the only American TV you get is soap operas where they name people ridiculous shit like "Drake," and "Hunter," but let me throw you a tip. These names are uncommon enough that when I see them in my in-box, I know you're full of shit. *DELETE* Let's see here. Currently in my in-box are emails from Meehan Tera, Walker Coulson, Holden Griggs, Lake Colbert, Corty Hargrove and Aileen Bradshame. *Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, and delete.* Oh, and uh, sending me emails with "Important security issue with your Bank of America account," or "Please acknowledge" or "Urgent" as the subject.... *Delete, delete, delete, delete.* Fuck you retards.
Many videogames give NPC's lines of dialogue to say and motions to do to make the game more interesting and realistic. Like in Stalker and Bioshock, friendly and enemy NPC's all have little blurbs of banter and talk to each other and stuff. I can understand that if you have four guys sitting around a campfire, they're probably going to be talking about stuff. The downside is, after a few hours of gameplay, and these games take MANY hours of gameplay to accomplish anything, you will be done hearing new banter. The guy sitting at the campfire 20 feet from the start of the game is saying the same shit as the guy sitting at the bar 2 miles away and the guy sitting at the campfire 10 miles away. "Let's drink to him once more. He was a good stalker." Just shut up.
People who sell things on Ebay that they don't really understand.
"Makintosh Ipod. This is the thing that you use to hook up to your computer that plays youtubes or myspaces. It is white on one side and silver on the other. It has an internet screen on the front for looking at internets. There is some kind of hole on the bottom that I think is used to hook up an antenna. Right now it has an internet on it that you can listen to of Jethro Tull, but I think it has room for more internets. I am getting rid of it because I am tired of Jethro Tull and want to get a new Makintosh with other internets on it. Right now the batteries are dead so you will need to get new batteries. I think it takes AAA batteries, but I can't find the little door to insert them. This might be that Ipod with the phone, but I'm not sure. I got it from a guy in Ohio in 2004. Maybe the guy I got it from in Ohio could tell if it has the phone. I think that the rectangular hole on the bottom might be the antenna hole and the hole you talk in, but I don't see an ear hole.
Auction starts at $750 USD. 0 bids.
People who have been doing their job for a long time, and have been doing it wrong the whole time, who won't listen to a fucking thing about how to do it correctly, because, "Hey, I've been waiting tables for the past 15 years. I think I know what I'm doing here. I preset the milk, sugar, and coffee cups before the people arrive, so they have no idea how long the milk has been sitting out. The clients sit down. I give them the salad. When they're done with the salad, I bring around the main course. They got a choice of beef or fish, so I carry as many of each as I possibly can without dropping them. They tell me which they want and I set it down. Once all the entrees are down, I come around and give the people wine, ice water and bread. Then I come around and give steak knives to all the people that got beef. When the people are done with the main course, I roll this horrible, banged-up stainless steel utility cart into the room with all the dessert, and pick their plate up with one hand and serve dessert with the other. I have bus tubs on the cart and I stick the dirty dinner plates in there as I take desserts off. Once everyone has dessert, I go with coffee. I mean, that's the way I done it for 15 years. Now you come in here and start telling me to take people's orders at the start and serve them water and bread and wine from the start and set down steak knives after I clear the salad and set down coffee cups, creamers and sugars after I cleared the main course and to only carry two plates at a time and to wait until all the whole table is cleared from one course to start serving the next course, and to keep the filthy bus cart out of sight, and to serve from the left and clear from the right... I mean, 15 years I've been doing this, and there's never been no problems. Why you wanna come in here and change stuff around? Have YOU been a waiter for 15 years?"
There are two types of people who own samurai swords. Samurais and man-boy cosplay nerds who have a few screws loose and haven't been laid since the first Iraq war. There is a very simple test to determine which you are. Are you an aristocratic warrior swordsman from feudal Japan? No? Then you're not a samurai.
Ummmm... yeah, I think I rest my case. HOLY SHIT! THAT GUY ON THE LEFT WITH THE BEADY EYES JUST KILLED A BOX! That will be an incredibly important skill if he is ever attacked by boxes, or maybe it will help him unbox canned peas faster at his job as a grocery stocker. Awww, I shouldn't make fun. This guy is obviously deeply into eastern culture, as demonstrated by his artfully displayed Bhuddist beads, Yinyang-emblazoned Levis jacket, incense thingee which he apparently bought some little Pier One table thing to display, red cloth and shelf that he bought at Walmart, plug-in candle and picture of the Dalai Lama that he printed on his Canon Bubble-jet. The top right picture is fun too. We have a tubby Chun Li and the guy who runs the comic shop on The Simpsons making their best serious faces as they are imagining they are slaying Sephiroth. The guy in the lower right is itching for someone to offer him a Red Pill, and the guy in the bottom center is taking a short break from crying to take one last webcam pic with his left hand just before he commits seppuku. (Side note: Remember what I said before about button-down black shirts.) Here, Pugsly McGetsnone takes a break from pissing off his parents with Insane Clown Posse to record his pre-highschool rampage video manifesto. That's not a hoodie, it's a ninja invisibility cloak.
Of course, there will be these idiots who read this and say, "But wait! I took classes. I actually know how to USE a katana." Uhhh, WHO GIVES A SHIT? It's not like this is a practical or worthwhile skill to have. It's not like that gives you some license to walk around town with a katana on a sword belt in case anyone tries to start shit with you. The only accounts I've seen of people out in public with katanas are videos on youtube of crazy guys on PCP getting tasered and pepper sprayed by the cops. The title is usually something like "Crazy sword guy" or something.
Dentures that look so white and "perfect" that it looks like the person is wearing a boxing mouthguard. The idea is to look like you have teeth, not that you're Jim Carrey in "The Mask."
People who vote for a politician based on their support for some pet cause, regardless of disagreeing with them on most other things they stand for. "Hmmm - this candidate is Pro-Nafta... which I'm against, against abortion, and I'm pro-choice, for the War in Iraq, which I'm against, for deporting all immigrants, which I'm against, pro-death penalty, which I'm against, obvioulsy pro-big business/upper class, and I think that's unfair, against stem cell research, which I am for, pro-nuclear buildup, and I think we should at least partially disarm, against universal healthcare, which I'm for, against strict pollution regulations, and I'm an environmentalist, for blurring the line between church and state, which I'm against, for creationism in schools, which I think is ridiculous, for censorship of media, which I'm against, has been in the Senate for 24 years, and has a voting record that I would strongly disagree with 95%... oh, but wait... He wants to have the FDA regulate organic food to make sure it meets certain criteria before it can be labelled organic. As an organic-only vegan, that sounds pretty cool to me. This guy is getting my vote come November!"
Ear hair on the loose. As men age, often they start growing hair in weird places. It's sad, but true, and while it's a fact of life, that doesn't mean nothing should be done about it. I mean really, how do you expect people not to think it's gross that you have more thick, wire-like hair growing out of each of your ears than I have growing in both of my armpits and crotch combined. This morning I was on the train with this guy who kept staring at me, who I was about to ask to stop, when I noticed that the rims of his ears had black hair all over them. Who the fuck are YOU staring at, asshole? Your ear has a fucking mustache!
People on myspace who have a band that occasionally plays in a bar in Portland, Oregon who add me as a friend. I think, "Hmmm... Maybe they liked my website, or maybe they saw my musical tastes and have a CD that I would like that they're trying to get exposure for." So I OK the friend request, and then get daily bulletins about some show they're doing in Portland two weeks from now.
Chefs who became chefs seemingly so they can find as many ways as possible to serve people goat cheese.
Okay. We fucking get it. You like goat cheese. That doesn't mean you plan a dinner and start with an hors d'oeuvres of goat cheese in phyllo and tomato and goat cheese bruschette and a cheese board featuring goat cheese, appetizer of smoked goat cheese with artichokes, salad of mixed greens with balsamic vinaigrette with crumbled goat cheese, and for main course have a choice of sturgeon with asparagus and goat cheese or filet mignon with melted goat cheese, and for dessert a goat cheesecake. DUDE! LEAVE THE GOAT'S TITS ALONE FOR A FUCKING MINUTE! PLEASE!
Workplaces where it would be unrealistic to assume that you are not visible to a security camera anywhere you go. Let's be honest. Noses need picking sometimes
Computer techs who act like you're retarded when they don't even know the problem.
Today I came to work and had no network connectivity on my work computer. I called IT and got this guy who sounded really irritable.
"My network connection isn't working."
"Well what is it doing?"
"What do you mean? I can't connect to the network or the internet."
"*Loud sigh* Well what were you doing that made it disconnect?"
"Nothing. When I left last night it was working, and this morning I logged on and it wasn't."
"*Loud sigh* Did you kick the network cable out or something?"
"No."
"Okay, bring up a command prompt."
"Okay."
"Type ipconfig /release"
"Done."
"Okay now reboot."
"Okay." The system reboots.
"You have a network connection?"
"No."
"*Loud sigh*"
He has me do a lot of things in the system settings and in the command prompt. I rebooted a couple times. I followed all his instructions exactly. After trying a few things, he was getting more and more perturbed. He had me repeat most of these things a few times, instructing me to repeat his instructions back to him to ensure that I'm not a moron and am following his instructions correctly. Basically, to him, the fact that he told me a few things to do, and still can't connect means that I was too stupid to correctly follow his instructions.
"*Loud sigh* I guess I'll come down there and look at it. *loud sigh* I'll be down there in... *loud sigh* about 30 minutes. *loud sigh*"
He comes down and starts fiddling with things. The first thing he tries is the same thing he had me do a couple of times, and guess what. NO CONNECTION.
So a couple of hours have passed and he's got his supervisor here as well. They have cable testers and laptops and have made about a dozen phone calls. He's looking more and more aggravated all the time. Soooo.... I guess it wasn't such a simple problem , and I guess I'm not the retard you thought I was.
People who tell people that they look like a certain celebrity, as though it's such a great compliment. Even if the celebrity in question is attractive, unless the person has self esteem issues, they probably don't want to hear that they look like someone else. "Hey, you look like Christina Aguilera!" What if the girl hates Christina Aguilera for whatever reason? What if the girl considers herself more attractive than Christina Aguilera?
What's worse is when the celebrity is unattractive. "Dude! You know who you look like? Gary Busey!" Don't fucking tell someone that shit. Nobody wants to look like Gary Busey. Fucking Gary Busey doesn't want to look like Gary Busey.
Timid mergers. You're on the on-ramp for a highway. Traffic on the highway is moving at 65-70 miles an hour. Obviously the best way to merge into this traffic is to come to a complete stop at the end of the ramp.
The Prime Minister of Vietnam is named Tan Dung..... GRAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!
I'm not sure what everyone else is eating, but am I the only person who isn't having noisy, gassy, splattering diarrhea in public restrooms that stinks so badly that people have to flee the area before they puke? Seriously, it seems like every time I'm in a public restroom I hear this, "Spit... sputter.... BRACKITA BRACKITA BRACKITA..... sputter..... BRAP...... drip...... BRACKITA BRAP...... "
People who give you gifts that are seriously way too over the top. "Hey! Merry Christmas, guy I hang out with every once in a while! Here's your gift, a 25 dollar gift certificate at Virgin Records. Oh, you brought me a gift? Ohhhh.... A uhhh... mountain bike.... Thhhanks."
Organ donation. Don't get me wrong. I know sick people need organs, but what pisses me off is something I think is pretty simple. I sign my organ donor card. I die. They take my organs FOR FREE. They then charge patients $250,000 for a kidney, $350,000 for a lung, $350,000 for a pancreas, $900,000 for intestines, $450,000 for a liver, $500,000 for a heart... So from my body alone, the medical industry stands to make millions of dollars with organs they got FOR FREE. Millions of dollars for them, not a penny for me or my family, and they couldn't even do it at all without donors. Sorry, sick people, but fuck you, greedy medical money-grubbers.
If your main source of income absolutely depends on Myspace, and you don't actually work for Myspace, uhhh... Get a job.
Guys that use retarded "tough guy" banter that sounds forced and stilted and just makes them seem staggeringly stupid and weird. There's this guy I work with who most of the people I work with think is most likely in the closet, despite his frequent assertions that he's a real ladies' man. This guy has all the machismo of Guy Smiley. We're leaving work one night and despite being mid-September, the weather was nice and warm and clear, with a slight cool breeze. He notices the weather, and says, at a volume that could probably be heard across the street, "Holy FUCK, it's nice out! I need a BITCH right now! I need a BITCH right here so I can FUCK her!" Congratulations. You're still gay, but now you seem even gayer and definitely dumber.
Karate, tae kwon do, etc classes that people join primarily to learn self defense, where they mostly teach you how to do flips and splits and break balsa wood boards that are held up over your head and scream "KEEE-YAAAAAAAHHH!" Yeah, that's really practical. How about teaching me how to kick some drunk lummox's ass who decides to start some shit because he thinks I looked at him funny? I think at this point I should state the obvious. I think one of the keys to getting in a fight without getting arrested, is not drawing attention by shrieking "KEEE-YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" as loudly as I can. Ever watch UFC? I think it would be kind of a dumb argument to claim that these guys aren't fighting well. Do you see any of them doing backflip kicks and breaking little boards that are suspended over their heads as they cry, "KEEEE-YAAAAAAAHHH"? No? Why is that, do you suppose?
Acne "cover-up" cream. Great. Now instead of looking like you have a big, juicy zit, now you look like you have a big, juicy zit with some weird orange stucco on it.
The way they made the Transformers in the Transformers Movie look like they were made of ten million moving parts, the largest of which being the size of a pencil.
Evangelical Christians who think that being gay is a choice, a perversion, a mental illness, but feigning a siezure as you roll your eyes back in your head and call out, "ZAMBAALA JOALICAMBOOZOO AALANICAMBAALICJOOMAACIBAALALALALALAAAA!" is completely natural, a blessing and beyond one's control. "What? That's totally normal. God does that to you. It's speaking in tongues. It's not like you're doing it yourself. But, wow! For people to say that being attracted to members of the same sex is natural? Now that's just perverted, right there! I mean, I know many homosexuals claim they knew they were gay since early childhood, and it's a fairly widespread phenomenon among upper primates, but WOW! Why are all those four year olds and chimps choosing to defy God's law? Oh, wait! God is speaking to me again! CHIMICHANGA AFRIKAABAMBAATAA SHANAANAA MECCA LECCA HI MECCA HINEY HO!"
As you might imagine, living in New York City exposes me to a wide range of cultures, which by and large is a very good thing. However, there is something that I would like to address. There are some cultures in which body odor doesn't even show up on the radar as far as things to worry about. They simply don't give a shit. They could have BO that could knock you out, and they are like, "What's the problem?" Then there are other cultures that deal with the problem not by practicing good hygiene, but by covering the smell up. Let me be an ambassador to help make your stay in the US a more pleasant one for both of us. Below are some schedules to help you recognize habits and improve upon them.
CORRECT:
Monday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Tuesday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Wednesday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Thursday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Friday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Saturday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Sunday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
INCORRECT:
Monday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Tuesday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Wednesday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Thursday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Friday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Saturday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Sunday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
INCORRECT:
Monday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Proceed with your daily tasks as people try to distance themselves from you.
Tuesday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Proceed with your daily tasks as people within a 20 foot radius clutch their noses as their sinuses burn as though they just snarfed kerosene.
Wednesday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Proceed with your daily tasks. Proceed to your boss's office for a very awkward meeting that he absolutely doesn't want to have to do, but is basically obligated to because all your coworkers demand that he say something to you about your reek.
Thursday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Proceed with your daily tasks as nobody without a hazmat suit can come near you without choking.
Friday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Proceed with your daily tasks as birds fall out of the sky at your passing.
Saturday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Wonder why all your neighbors are moving out.
Sunday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Turn on the TV and see that the police are investigating a possible hazardous chemical leak which just happens to be centered around your current location.
People who have bad breath that you can smell from six feet away. It's one thing if I'm close enough to shake your hand and notice that you had something with garlic for lunch, but some people just walk in the room and you swear they must have a dead rancid raccoon stuck in their throat.
That moment when you pour cereal in a bowl, then you pour milk over it, and then realize that you only have enough milk to slightly dampen the cereal. So now you either have to throw it away, which sucks because you bought the cereal and you're hungry, or you have to grind your teeth through an utterly unenjoyable breakfast.
People who try to play off their scientific ignorance as being open-minded.
"Is the earth round or flat?"
"Hmmm, you know... That's a very interesting question. I suppose the answer to that question is largely a matter of perspective."
"It was an either-or question with a correct answer."
"I understand that, but I don't think it's fair to rule out all possibilities. I mean, you might say it's round, and you could present evidence to that effect. On the other hand, there might be a body of evidence to support it being flat."
"Ummm... It's round. There's no credible evidence to support it being flat."
"Well you say that now, but certainly in the past there were scientists who believed that it was flat, if that was the common knowledge of their era. Also, the Bible says the world is flat."
"Yes, but they were wrong. It's round. Them thinking it was flat isn't a matter of perspective, it's attributable to their ignorance."
"I can see where you're coming from, but I think you have to look at the question from many angles."
"It's round. The end. Now, if you want to believe it's flat, please, PLEASE find the edge, and jump off it."
Not really something to be destroyed, but definitely something that makes me feel funny... What's the deal with certain restaurants where I am the thinnest guy there? I mean, at 225 pounds, I am no bean pole, but what the fuck? It seriously makes me have the feeling that I shouldn't be eating there, so I don't suffer the same fate. I've been to Boston Market a few times, and I go to Popeye's every once in a while, and it's as though nobody eats there except fat fucks. I just had lunch at Popeye's and while I was in line, this whole family of jello trolls came in and took over the whole fucking restaurant. From what I could guess, there were two husbands, two wives, another lady, and five kids, and there wasn't one of them who wasn't morbidly obese. There was a 12 year old girl in the bunch who could definitely kick my ass in tug of war. One of the husbands waddled up to the counter and ordered for everyone, so they could all sit down and huff and puff from exhaustion from dragging their ponderous asses to Popeye's all the way from Burger King a block away. The woman sitting across from me had boobs that looked like she was hiding an elephant seal in her shirt..
The retarded doublethink that conservatives do to justify why we need to stay in Iraq indefinitely. For months we heard that Bush was waiting until he heard the progress report in September by General Petraeus to Congress before he decided how many troops should stay in Iraq, and for how long. GEE! SURELY A LOYAL GENERAL WOULD NEVER, OHH, LIE, OR, OHHHH, HAND-PICK DETAILS LIKE A MOUTHPIECE FOR THE WHITEHOUSE TO SIMPLY DO WHAT BUSH WANTS OR ANYTHING!
Then later, (doublethink) we were told that Petraeus was going to deliver the report not to Congress, but to the White House, (doublethink) and that the White House would then take his findings and then THEY would present a report to Congress, and that this was ALWAYS the plan, and that the White House would then issue the report. NOOOO, Nothing suspicious about that!
Of course, we all knew that the contents of the report would be irrelevant. Regardless of the general's assessment, we would end up doing what Bush wants.
Suppose the report sees the war through rose-colored glasses.
"Everything is great here. We're making promising progress, and signs of stability are popping up all over, just like those lovely bustling markets (which were pretty much photo-op props) that McCain and Katie Couric visited."
Solution:
"Well obviously if we start pulling troops out, we will lose all these wonderful gains we've made. To pull out would ensure that the budding democracy here will fail. The continued stability of this region requires an extended US military presence or things will plunge back into chaos, and all our hard work would be a waste, and all the people who gave their lives for this would have done so in vain! Don't you support the troops?"
Suppose the report says things are a mess.
"This is a nation on the brink of a full-blown civil war, and has become the greatest recruiting ground for new terrorists. Al Qaida is here in force and are killing people every day."
Solution:
"This is the central front in the war on terror. To pull out now would only show our enemy that we are weak, and that the American people do not have the resolve to fight the long fight necessary to defeat them, also, leaving would remove any safeguard against the civil war that is teetering on the brink and threatens the stability, not only of Iraq, but the entire Middle East. We would be fools to pull out and let this happen! To pull out would ensure that Iraq becomes a new nation of terrorists who would stop at nothing to hurt Americans. Nothing stands against this chaos except the brave men and women serving there. Don't you support the troops?"
So then, yesterday, Petraeus gave his report to a highly skeptical Congress. His conclusion: We are making amazing strides and meeting goals, AND (doublethink) it's a complete mess with no obvious solution but one... WE NEED TO KEEP AMERICAN TROOPS IN IRAQ MUCH, MUCH LONGER!
Very important news article on MSNBC on 8/31/07: "Mormons: IS POLYGAMY IN THE AFTERLIFE OK?" Holy fucking fuck. WOW! No doubt this amazing journalism will win a fucking Pulitzer. THIS IS IMPORTANT NEWS!
People who read some shit in some magazine or something and try to twist the meaning to justify their own dumbass behavior.
"I read that drinking beer is good for your kidneys."
"Yeah. Drinking A beer is good for your kidneys. Drinking beer until you throw up and pass out every night is NOT healthy."
Organic, natural or healthy products that are advertised in a way that focuses entirely on, "Wow! I can't believe it doesn't even taste like twigs, tree bark and moss!" And you fucks wonder why I have a Whopper and a Pepsi for lunch.
Closeted gay Christians. Uhhhh, you're gay. Big whoop. Just be gay. You've been sold a dumb idea from Opposite Land. They tell you being gay is a decision you can make. Fuck that. Being gay is a natural phenomenon. Being a Christian is a choice. Be yourself.
Openly gay Christians. Maybe it's just me, but when I'm thinking of joining an organization or movement, I check to make sure they don't specifically say they stand against everything I'm about and want to destroy me. You espouse a belief system that seeks to stone you to death and send you to hell. Why would you do that? The Bible is pretty explicit when it comes to how "God" wants gays dealt with. There aren't any good endings for gays in that Choose Your Own Adventure Book.
Openly gay conservatives. See above.
Americans who still have no grasp whatsoever of the metric system. I mean, I know we eat Quarter Pounders and buy gallons of milk, but there's truly no excuse for having no concept at all. I mean, say what you will. The rest of the civilized world uses this scale. It might make sense to at least have a fucking clue. "A kilogram? Uhhhh.... That's kinda like 900 pounds, right?"
What's even dumber is when people don't get it when the metric amount is right on the package of something. Like for my job, one of the things I need to purchase is Pellegrino water. This has the metric amount right on the fucking bottle, and does not have the imperial amount. It comes in liter, half liter, and 250 milliliter bottles. My purveyor has no idea what to make of this.
"I need a case of Pellegrino in 250ml bottles."
"Uhhhh.... What's that?"
"The little 250ml bottles."
"Is that 16oz? 12oz? What?"
"It's like eight and a half ounces."
"Oh, because I didn't know."
"It's the one with the two five zero on the box."
Stiff, unsupportive, judgmental, denigrating, shame implanting parents who, when you somehow grow into a balanced, sane adult who isn't addicted to antidepressant medication see themselves as having been the "cool rock'n'roll" kind of parents who were open and related well to their kids and were behind them every step of the way.
Security guards who act like a robot with an erased memory when you forget your ID. Every morning when you show up to work, "Hey, g'morning, Steve. you catch that 49ers game over the weekend? That was brutal! Okay, well have a good day. Catch you later. I'll be bumming a cigarette later! Ha-hah!"
Then one morning you show up to work, and just as you get to the security checkpoint you realize that you forgot your ID card. You walk up to the same guard who was so chummy yesterday to explain.
"Good morning, sir. How can I help you? Lost ID? Hmmmm...." He squints at you suspiciously as though you have an oil barrel full of anthrax tied to your back with big red letters that say, 'WARNING: ANTHRAX!' "Hmmmmm.... Hang on. Let me call my supervisor," like he's never laid eyes on you before.
Adults who can't grasp kindergarten level math. I just overheard two middle aged security guards arguing over how long one of them had been working there.
"So you've been working here almost 10 years."
"I was thinking almost 9."
"Well when did you start?"
"January of 1998."
"Well it's almost 2008, so that's 10 years."
"Yeah, but like, you start at zero."
"Yeah, but you've been here for nearly ten years."
"No, but when you first start, that doesn't count as one."
In the time it took me to swipe my ID, empty all my pockets and put all my phones, cameras, etc. through the x-ray machine, walk through the metal detector, collect my things on the other side, reinsert all the correct phones and cameras in the right cases, put the things back in my pockets, hit the elevator button, wait for the elevator, get in and press the button, they were still no closer to an agreement.
Churches that credit themselves as being open minded and inclusive because they will take anyone of any religion or background and convert them so they're just like them.
"Most beautiful people" lists in magazines and on TV that include Queen Latifa. Okay, so you're trying to be nice or inclusive or whatever, but no. She isn't. I mean, if I'm just some out-of-shape balding gamer nerd from Kentucky, and I have fucked better looking girls, no, she doesn't get to be on a "most beautiful" list unless it's like a list of "most beautiful people who happen to be standing in this room at the moment," and it's not a very heavily populated room. I'm not really just trying to rip on Queen Latifa, but she has this weird tendency to keep turning up on these lists, and I DO NOT GET IT.
Popular music stations that try to sneak in a country song here and there. Uhhh.... Nobody wants to hear that shit. If they did, they'd be listening to the country station.
People who want to pretend they're interested in your personal life who forget important painful things that you have told them previously, which they would have fucking remembered if they actually cared.
"Oh, hey. How's Sarah?"
"I don't know."
"You don't see much of each other lately?"
"Nope. Not since she dumped me a couple months ago. You knew that."
"Oh. That's too bad. She was nice."
"Yes, she was."
"And pretty."
"Yeah..."
People who name their kids FOR REAL Biblical names. Of course names like Paul and Michael and David are pretty standard at this point, but you can take your Solomon and Zachariah and Jebidiah and stuff them up your asses.
People who assume everyone around them is a christian. Like I was having a conversation with this lady I work with about a difficult customer we have. Basically, she's one of these customers where nothing will please her. When she says jump, you jump twice as high as the world record, and she's annoyed that you didn't try hard enough.
"Well, some people just seem to want to have something to complain about," I say. (Yes, I am aware of the extreme irony of me saying this. Shut up.)
"She must have DEMONS."
"I was just going to say she was a bitch, but whatever."
"No, I mean, there are real invisible demons that torment people and make them act crazy."
I do my best polite smile.
"You agree, no?"
"Actually, not really."
"But you're a Christian," she says with the same presumtuous confidence as if she had said, "But you breathe air."
"Nah."
"Yeah, but you believe in God," she reinforces with the same tone.
Still trying to hold my polite smile, "Not really."
"Well whatever you want to call it, you do believe in some ultimate power out there."
"Mmmm, no I don't."
She then continued talking about demons and Jesus in this completely matter of fact tone, like I really did follow the same religion as her, but just wasn't being forthcoming about it.
In reference to the specific complainer above, I was filling in for the corporate cafe manager who was on vacation. I had worked there before on occasion, so the staff and the clients recognized me as a manager. It was my first day filling in for his absence, so anything there was what was already ordered by the manager. Anything NOT there, I would have to order myself for the next day, and explain the concept of "tough shit" to anyone who wanted something that was not there. So I'm walking to the cashier area to see if they need any change or whatever, and this bitch comes up to me in a fury.
"YOUR COMPANY SUCKS! YOU NEVER HAVE ANYTHING I WANT! IT'S REALLY THE PITS! I WANT THE OLD CONTRACTOR BACK IN HERE BECAUSE YOUR COMPANY STINKS!"
"Uhhh, what was it you were looking for?"
"ALL YOU HAVE HERE IS THIS STUPID KID CEREAL AND I WANT CHEERIOS AND YOU NEVER HAVE THEM!"
I look at the cereal rack for literally half a second, I calmly reach over, take a package of Cheerios off the rack, and hand it to the bitch.
"Well.... WELL IT'S NOT JUST THAT! THIS PLACE HAS TOTALLY GONE DOWN THE TUBES AND BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH..."
People who are conservative not because they believe in limited government power and frugal fiscal spending, but because "them dang liberals want to take our guns away!" This can be easily interchanged with, "them dang liberals are gonna let faggots get married," or "them dang liberals won't let us replace evolution with unintelligent design in school," or "I'm a filthy rich business owner and don't want to pay my fair share of taxes or make sure my workers are fairly compensated and working in a safe working environment," or "My company makes an unsafe product, and I want to make sure I can keep selling it without any restrictions," or "them dang liberals think that women and non-caucasians deserve some sort of rights and respect." Actually, now that I think about it, I don't think there is a single reason to want to be a conservative that isn't based on selfishness, aggressiveness or prejudice.
19 year olds on Myspace that list their annual income as "250k or higher."
"Family values" Republicans that are rooting for Rudy Giuliani who ignore the fact that he has had extramarital affairs, has been sued for sexual harassment, and sued his own ex-wife, who was also his second cousin, because she would not allow him to bring the girlfriend with whom he was cheating on her into their house, which she was still living in, to meet his kids on Father's Day. He had also previously had an extramarital affair with his communications director, and was lifelong pals with a priest who was convicted for pedophilia. He also has a long history of ignoring important events in his family such as graduations and often goes for long stretches of time without talking to his kids, and even his own stepdaughter is rooting against him in 2008.
These same "family values" conservatives also like to accuse liberals of conducting "witch hunts" when their guys like Ted Haggart, Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Jim Bakker, Josh Bolton, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Joe Scarborough, Jimmy Swaggart, Strom Thurmond, David Vitter, Thomas Ravenel, Robert W. Allen, etc. etc., who are all purportedly all pure as the driven snow and wonderful Christians, and in many cases highly motivated against anything un-Christian, homosexual, drug-related, etc. turn out to be deeply involved in illegal, or indisputably non-Christian sex / drug / corruption scandals. I can just hear the reasoning now... "Yes, for years I, Larry Craig, have fought tooth and nail to keep homosexuals from being able to get married. I mean, if they're all happily married, whose dick will I be able to suck in airport restrooms?" Or how about Ted Haggart? "My purpose in life is to preach the word of Jesus Christ and bring his blessing to everyone, regardless of how many gay male prostitutes I have to smoke crystal meth with to get the job done!" I mean, these assholes still make jokes about Clinton not inhaling. How the fuck did Haggart think he would get away with the same excuse? "Well, yes, I was buying meth from a gay male prostitute, but I never used it and we never had sex" Holy shit, that's idiotic. Of course, the problem, as I see it is not that assholes like Haggart and Craig are lonely gay men looking for affection, but that they spent their careers making a shit-ton of money by attacking gays and doing everything they could to make it more difficult for gays in America. It's not the fact that they're gay, it's the fact that they are hypocrites. For instance, Craig was one of the key republicans calling for the impeachment of Bill Clinton. Clinton got some consensual extramarital head from someone he knew from their working relationship. Craig propositioned an undercover cop for anonymous sex in a public restroom in an airport, and then pleaded guilty, and then reversed himself and said he's not gay. He's so full of shit it's amazing. Of course, we're working on a different dynamic, since Craig is a republican, and republicans want him to resign, not just because he did something illegal that displays his hypocrisy, but because as they see it, you can't be a good republican and be gay. Think about this for a second. Republicans spend millions of dollars on campaigns to gain seats in the Senate, and now that one of their guys might be (gasp) gay, they would RATHER LOSE THEIR SEAT than have a gay senator filling it, despite the fact that he voted exactly the way these assholes wanted.
Podcasts with "breaks." Like, if I'm listening to a political debate podcast, why the fuck do I need to hear a song in the middle? If I wanted to listen to a song, I've got plenty of them on my iPod already. If you are making your podcast and need to take a shit, just hit Stop on whatever you're using to record, make a mental note about what you were talking about, and then after you're done, come back, hit record, and just continue talking.
This morning at 6am I was awakened by a huge repetative booming sound that was loud enough to literally make my apartment shake. I looked outside and there was a dump truck and a back-hoe, and they were tearing out the sidewalk. The back-hoe would pull up a five foot by five foot by eight inch thick slab of sidewalk, lift it over the rim of the dump truck, and then drop it from full height into the truck, making the ground shake... AT SIX FUCKING O'CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING!
People who "know better" than you, when in fact they don't know shit, and they even KNOW that they don't know shit.
I tell the cab driver, "I need to go to the Mariott on Jay Street in Brooklyn." He apparently is unfamiliar with the landmark and looks like he's pondering for a second, so I follow up with directions. "Take 43rd to the BQE, then take it to Tillary Street. I'll tell you when to turn." I then start fidgeting with my iPod.
After a few seconds I notice that the car is not moving, and half assume that he's waiting for the right moment to cut across traffic so he can make the left turn to get to 43rd street. I look up and he has a huge map spread in front of him. "Take 43rd to the BQE and take it to Tillary Street."
"I'm just... I want to... Uhh... Get directions."
"Those are the directions. I've made this trip a hundred times."
Reluctantly, he put the map away and followed my directions, and drove SLOW AS FUCK the whole way there.
Copycat tattoos. Great way to make a statement about your individuality, idiot. Do you know how many retards I have seen with those same fucking tiger paws on their cleavage like that rapper Eve? Way too goddamn many.
Magic Johnson used in ads for HIV medication. "Oh, God! Surely Neg isn't going to attack a guy stricken with HIV!" You're goddamn right I am. But what galls me more than this guy making tons of money on his own disease is the message of these ads. The intended message is obvious. "Buy our drugs and you too can live as long as Magic Johnson has with HIV." That way, the pharmeceutical companies can cash in on people desperate to save or extend their own lives. The message these ads convey to me is, "Look! If you catch HIV when you are at the pinnacle of human physical fitness, and have millions of dollars to spend from a long career as a professional athlete, with more money coming in all the time from books, interviews, speaking engagements, and for doing endorsements for pharmeceutical companies, you can probably live with HIV much, much longer than some poor slob with no health insurance who can't even afford to see the doctor for a physical."
Serial killers who get that old time religion right after they get caught. "Y'know. I feel awfully bad for all those 23 elementary school kids that I took out to the woods and raped, and tortured, and raped, and killed, and raped, and dismembered, and raped, and buried... and then dug up and raped again, and then buried again over the years, but everything's changed now, because I finally came to know the Lord, and I know in my heart that Jesus has forgiven me. I've been born again and cleansed by the blood of Christ! PRAISE THE LORD!"
Retards who have been so brainwashed by propaganda that they see muslims as like this comic book villain. I just listened to this deluded asshole rambling about, "They LOVE death. The only thing that makes them happier than killing is dying themselves. We can't set up democracies in the Middle East, because they don't envy our freedom, they just DESPISE it. The reason Muslims have plural marriage and have lots of kids is so they can raise more holy warriors. The Koran is nothing but a manual on how to kill and wage war."
People who know that you have artistic or musical ability that want you to make some art like the art they like. "Oh, Monet's 'Waterlillies' is so nice. Why don't you do something like that?"
Well let's see here. First off, my art is nothing like Monet, Monet's art is cool because it was his idea, and if I did an impressionist painting of waterlillies, that would make me a hack. Pardon me if my artistic vision is not what you want hanging in your precious living room.
"Artists" who have artistic ability who don't see what's wrong with using their skills to just copy other people's style.
People who lump homosexuality and bisexuality in the same category as nymphomania, alcoholism, pedophilia, bestiality, satan worship, murder, drug addiction, rape, terrorism...
Parents who make their kids eat notoriously gross food. Like, you know before you even try that your kid will hate liver and onions, and it's not even a particularly healthy thing to eat, so what's the point, just showing them who's in charge?
The fact that The Daily Show and The Colbert Report went on break on the same day Alberto Gonzales resigned and the story of senator Larry Craig trying to solicit gay sex in a public restroom broke in the media. I got home from work, turned on the TV and sat there waiting to laugh my ass off. Jon Stewart popped on the screen and started his intro. The anticipation was almost too much. Then he started talking about Karl Rove resigning, and I was like, "What the fuck? A rerun?" Seriously, if I was the producer of The Daily Show and we were on break and there was a news day like that, I would say, "Fuck it! We've got a show to do!"
Multimillionaire pro football player Michael Vick just pleaded guilty to charges of funding a dogfighting ring called "Bad Newz Kennels." Today the NAACP said, "As a society, we should aid in his rehabilitation and welcome a new Mister Michael Vick back into the community without a permanent loss of his career in football." Uhhh... AS A SOCIETY WE SHOULD SEE THAT BRUTALLY KILLING AND MAIMING DOGS FOR ENTERTAINMENT IS FUCKED UP ENOUGH THAT THIS ASSHOLE SHOULD BE SHUNNED BY SOCIETY AND CEASE TO MAKE MILLIONS OF FUCKING DOLLARS A YEAR FOR PLAYING A STUPID GAME. I mean, how the fuck can they justify this shit? HE KILLED DOGS FOR FUN! I mean, I know he's black, and the NAACP stands behind people who are wrongfully accused of crimes that they are accused of because of their race, but holy fuck! Pick your fucking battles. THE GUY PLED GUILTY! He fucking DID IT. If he didn't do it, don't you think he has enough money to fund an excellent defense? What a great role model for kids! What a pillar of the community! I mean, he's REALLY, REALLY GOOD AT A FUCKING GAME, and that should exonnerate him from KILLING AND MAIMING DOGS FOR ENTERTAINMENT because, DAMN! HE'S REALLY GOOD AT FOOTBALL! Fuck Michael Vick, and fuck the NAACP for thinking he's "not such a bad guy," or that he deserves our fucking support. I'm sure when Martin Luther King talked about the promised land, he was referring to a place where people who run dog fighting rings deserve our support. You fucks have lost your way.
Doctors, vets and mechanics. Whenever you go to one of these, imagine a dollar amount that seems like a high-ball realistic estimate. Then multiply that amount by three. Then add 200 bucks.
Movies based on well-known traditional stories, where they take massive "creative" license.
For instance, Blade. Here you have a vampire. Vampires do what? Let's see... they drink blood, don't age, and they can be killed by sunlight, a stake through the heart, or decapitation and holy water has some sort of pepper spray type effect on them and they can turn other people into vampires by biting them. But wait! According to Blade, vampires disintegrate when you cut them, even just on the hand, with silver. Hmmm... Silver.... Umm, the directors realize that the movie is about vampires, not werewolves, right?
Hyperconservatives who STILL, in 2007, sound like they're just reciting Dubya talking points.
"You're damn right I'm for the war! Well, we HAD to liberate Iraq from Saddam. He aided the terrorists who carried out 9/11, and he had weapons of mass destruction. Who cares if more Americans have died in Iraq than died in the 9/11 attacks, if you criticize this war, it's clear that you don't support the troops. The Iraqi people see us as liberators, not occupiers. We're fighting the terrorists over there so we don't have to fight them over here. We're making the world safe for democracy. The reason we were attacked is because the terrorists hate our freedom. Of course we need to be able to wiretap all Americans without court oversight. How else will we stop the terrorists from hurting your children?"
Zoos that create enclosures for animals that are focused on realism to the extent that you can't even see the animals. Granted, I don't want to see a 2x2x2 bare cement box with an animal in it, but the whole point of a zoo is that I don't have to delve through a jungle to maybe catch a fleeting glimse of some animal's tail peeking out from behind a rock, which is under a bush, which is growing on a cliff, which is 20 feet over my head.
Magazines about synthesizers that do little feature stories like "20 most influential synthesizers of all time" that don't even mention the Roland TB-303. Like, they'll go on and on about their dumb prog rock, and Emerson Lake and Palmer, and go on a windy shpiel about some huge modular synth that only 10 people owned that gave one Hawkwind song a unique sound, and then they'll feature some synth that was so uncommon that the best picture they can find of it merely shows the synth far in the background in a 1977 picture of Genesis's studio. Meanwhile, they act like techno music is totally insignificant in the history of electronic music. Here you have a genre of music that spawned subcultures and dozens of subgenres and has had significant commercial success and loads of notable figures in popular music for literally decades trying to adopt or incorporate core elements of the techno sound, and Keyboard Magazine wants to go on and on about fucking Keith Emerson month after month. Here's a tip, assholes. Techno is the single largest and longest-lived genre of synthesizer-based music ever. Writing off techno as some sort of fad in the context of the evolution of electronic music is like ignoring the dress when examining women's fashions. Sure, the Minimoog was a great synth, and probably deserves that top position you always give it in your top 20 lists, but you would think that the TB-303, which spawned far more direct emulators than any other synthesizer ever made would deserve at least an honorable mention, particularly before some obscure shit that most synth geeks have never even heard of. Most everyone who's into vintage synthesizers will recognize a 303 before your bullshit Clavitronic ZPX1305 or whatever that sold 200 units in 1979 before the Clavitronic company went out of business after only 6 months of producing them, and the magazine can only cite one or two songs that used it.
People who speak in short blurbs of unclear, nonspecific gibberish who get frustrated when you don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
"So what's up?"
"Hey, sup."
"No, I mean what happened?"
"What happened with what?"
"That guy."
"What guy?"
"You remember.... That guy."
"Uhhh..."
"The guy... Last week. What happened?"
"Guy..... Last week..... What are you talking about?"
"(Loud, annoyed sigh) The guy in the restaurant!"
"Ummmm..... We had a lot of guys in the restaurant last week."
"The guy with the thing.... You know!"
"Guy with the thing.... What?"
"(Even louder and more annoyed sigh) The fat guy!"
"Yep, we had a lot of fat guys too."
"(Super-loud and annoyed sigh) There was a fat guy..."
"Okay...."
"Who came in last Tuesday...."
"Uh-huh..."
"And he had an allergy to onions..."
"AHHHH...."
"And he got some soup that had onions in it..."
"Yeah, I know the guy now."
"What happened with him?"
"Oh, he was fine."
"Oh..... See? Was that so hard?"
"Yes, it was. Why didn't you just start by asking me about the guy with the onion allergy who got the soup?"
*Dumb shrug*
The fact that MTV still uses Techno or IDM for 90% of their station ID's and bumpers, but play none in their programming.
Animal shelters that make it unreasonably difficult to adopt a pet. Obviously you don't want to give animals to the local sketchy Chinese restaurant or a guy with a long rap sheet of dogfighting convictions or a traveling show called "Uncle Meatclamp's Super Vivisection Extravaganza," but if some normal person wants a pet, they should be able to get one. That's kind of the fucking point of an animal shelter, no? To find homes for pets? Recently I have been looking to get a kitten. No, fuck you and your "we only let you adopt full grown cats" shit. If I want a kitten, I'll fucking get one. So one place I checked will only take people by appointment, requires two letters of recommendation by people not in your family, a letter of recommendation from a vet (what if you don't have one?), a letter from your landlord stating that it is okay to have a cat, and they won't let you take the cat with you. They will deliver the cat to you so they can see your apartment and decide if it is suitable for a pet. They also require you to take your cat to them (not your own vet) for periodic vet exams. And of course, they reserve the right to reject your application for any reason without telling you why it was rejected. Adopting a fucking child is simpler. So you've got all these cats and dogs that need homes.... GOOD JOB. You set up all your policies which will ensure that many people just skip over your service and go to another shelter, or (and I know this is one of those things that piss these people off) just go BUY a pet from a breeder or pet store.
People who read that I'm trying to adopt a kitten from a shelter who immediately react by going into PETA ally-finding mode, and praise me for doing "the right thing" or "something noble" by getting a cat from a shelter instead of buying a kitten from a pet store. You know what? I really don't give a shit where I get the cat. I just figured it would be cheaper and easier to adopt rather than buying one. If that turns out not to be the case, (read the entry above) I'll probably end up buying a kitten.
Retards who wear REALLY obvious toupees. Like, I assume the desired effect is, "Hey, that guy has a full head of hair," not, "Mommy, why is that man wearing a fur hat in July?"
Seriously, have some self respect. Look in a fucking mirror. If you look in a mirror and think anything, ANYTHING other than, "There is no way anyone would think this is fake," then we all know it's a damn rug and think you're pathetic. It's not the gradient realism scale that you might think. There's no middle-ground "Well, it sorta looks real." It either looks absolutley like it's your hair growing naturally out of your head, or it's hilariously fake as fuck. Oh, and let me assure you, it IS hilarious, and we DO laugh when you walk out of the room. What's even dumber is that almost every rug I see is not even approaching that "maybe it's real" threshold. If you rate toupees on a scale of "Really? It's a toupee? I never knew," to "Hmmm... Maybe that's a toupee," to "Holy shit, what the fuck is that on your head? It looks like you stamped on a badger until it was flat and then stuck it on top of your head," I would say 90% of toupees rank badger.
Toilets that splash water all over their seats when they flush. If the first law of robotics is robots must not harm humans, the first law of toilets should be toilet water stays in the toilet.
Employees that hide and disappear and fuck off all day, and then when you finally see them, it's because they came out of hiding to tell you that they're going on break.
Cash registers at places like McDonalds that display the "Avg Srv Time." These are always bullshit. The display never shows anything over a minute. Usually the number is somewhere between 40 and 50 seconds, which is ironic, because every time I notice these displays it's because I've been in line for a million goddamn years and have exhausted things to look at so I look at the little display that says 43 seconds and think, "Well, let's see. I was the fourth person in line when I got here, and now I'm the second person in line, and it's been at least ten minutes, so, uhh, BULLSHIT!"
The fact that every single day of my life I don't go to bed until well after the point where I stop, look at the clock, and think, "I am an idiot for still being awake."
That bullshit in Windows Media Player where it's supposed to acquire codecs it doesn't have to play sound and video files. I look at a ton of stupid shit on the internet, and NOT ONCE have I ever seen the little text in Media Player SUCCESSFULLY get a codec. Whenever you see "Acquiring Codec," you know that the next message will invariably be "Error downloading Codec." YOU CAN'T EVER DO IT RIGHT, SO STOP PRETENDING. It's like if someone asked me to use telekinesis to lift an object, and I made a straining face while looking like I'm concentrating, and then I let out a sigh and said, "Sorry, I tried, but I can't." BULLSHIT.
At my job we often get waiters from temp waiter agencies to help us with large events. Occasionally, one of these waiters misunderstands the idea of "temp" and decides to try to get more hours. While some of our better temps get invited to work several times a week, or eventually get hired as permanent employees, for the most part, we usually bring in most of these temps only when it's very busy or we have a particularly large event. One of these temps has apparently figured out the perfect way to get no hours at all. It's as though she's making a guide on how never to get hours from me. I can guarantee she's never going to work for me again. Her technique in assuring this is as accurate and perfect as if she read my mind.
HOW NOT TO GET HOURS FROM ME:
1. Show up to work looking like a slob.
2. Come early so as to try to get extra time in without permission.
3. Do a crappy job.
4. When I call you to ask if you can work, record my personal cell phone number.
5. Call my personal cell phone 5 times every day asking for work.
6. Wait no more than 2 minutes between each of these five calls.
7. Leave a voicemail on every call.
8. Begin each voicemail with the same creepy, disingenuous "Good day, sir."
9. Be the live-in girlfriend of another temp waiter who isn't stellar, and when I call for him, answer the phone and ask if there are any hours for you.
10. Get your boyfriend to ask for hours for you every time he works.
11. Get your boyfriend to call my personal cell phone and ask for hours for you.
Americans who still can't grasp a simple concept: If our only solution is to kill or torture people who threaten and disagree with us, it will make more people threaten and disagree with us.
People who give themselves truly horrible looking amateurish homemade tattoos. There is one word that should stick in your mind above all others when you're about to get a tattoo: FOREVER. Yet, I frequently see these piece of shit tattoos that looked like they were done by some staggering, drunk asshole stabbing himself in the arm with a papermate while looking in the bathroom mirror. The guy sitting across from me on the subway right now is apparently right handed, as he has a cross on the webbing bewteen his left thumb and index finger, and a capital letter N on the knuckle of his left middle finger. It looks as though he was trying to draw on his hand with a blue Sharpie marker while someone was doing that bully big brother "stop hitting yourself" game, and since he probably used marker ink or something, it's faded and pale, and the characters are sloppy and irregular. Oh, and to some, the next point might seem tangential, but I think it punctuates the previous idea very poignantly. I noticed his hands because he had a big stack of lottery scratch-off tickets, which he sat and scratched off, one after the other.
On July 3rd, President Bush had a choice to make.
A.) Let Scooter Libby go to jail and serve his time for the felony charges that a jury in federal court found him guilty of, which was actually a very lenient punishment for treason, and thus save a tiny bit of integrity.
B.) Say fuck it and basically pardon him, tossing what little credibilty you have to the wind, as you once again hold personal loyalty far above justice, integrity and simple common sense. Perhaps this concept eluded you, but sacrificial lambs get sacrificed, and fall guys fall.
Oh, uhh, guess which one he chose.
Of course, the optimist in me would like to believe that he's breaking those last few matchsticks and that Americans will eventually slam their fists on their desks and say, "That's it! This asshole has gone too far! Who the fuck does he think he is?!" But then on the 5th, I was standing in the grocery store line and saw the front of the USA Today. The front page stories were, "Al Gore's son had pot in his car," and "What will we do if Harry Potter dies in the last book?" and then I remembered that they will always get away with their bullshit because Americans are fucking retarded. I went to work and tried to strike up a conversation with a coworker. "Can you believe Bush basically pardoned Scooter Libby?"
"Who?"
About a week later, at a press conference, Bush was asked about the issue and he said he felt that the outcome was fair and that it had "run its course." Uhhh.... FUCK YOU! WE will tell you when it's run its course. Nixon resigned over less. It's like a bank robber stopping in the middle of the getaway chase and telling the cops, "Sorry, guys, but I think this has run its course. You can go home now. Shoo." This situation is over when WE decide it's over. You're the one with some 'splaining to do, and we won't let you shrug us off.
Oliver Stone made a proposal to Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to make a movie about him, but he rejected the idea because Stone was an American, and hence, part of "The Great Satan." ....... HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAH! That guy is a fucking hoot.
"I'll pray for you." You know what? Don't. Obviously you know how fucking condescending this is or you wouldn't say it. It's like a last stab in an argument. "I don't respect your opinion at all. Obviously you're too stupid to believe in the same imaginary being as me, so I will take it upon myself to beg this fake god, not to spare you, but to convince you that he's real so that you too can submit and kiss his ass, and see yourself as a lowly scumbag in need of forgiveness for things that are perfectly natural, but deemed heinous crimes by people who believe in the same fairy tale as me. Hopefully, after you believe the same bullshit I do, he won't decide to destroy you and torture you forever."
Last weekend, treetrunk-necked professional wrestler Chris Benoit murdered his wife and seven year old son before hanging himself. The internet, in true detached-fuckhead fashion overflowed with idiots saying things like "RIP Chris Benoit," and, "It's such a tragedy, he was one of my favorite wrestlers." Look. I know you guys have small brains, as something like being a wrestling fan sort of requires it, but LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE SAYING. The guy KILLED HIS WIFE AND KID. That is tragic FOR THEM, not for for Chris Benoit. Awww, but he killed himself.... AS HE SHOULD HAVE. The only thing good that came from the incident is that the perpetrator is dead. Of course, they try to retort that he was obviously suffering from mental problems stemming from the use of anabolic steroids, like that will make me say, "Oh... Then I guess he couldn't help it. Poor guy." No. FUCK that shit. A woman and seven year old kid are dead because this asshole wanted to make his freakishly thick neck even thicker. The whole thing is his fault from start to finish, and it's times like this that I wish God was real, because it would be comforting to know that this asshole is suffering somewhere.
Clients who give you twenty pages of instructions for an order, who get furious at you for missing something minor that was 3/4 of the way down on page 17 and is two words long, particularly when the missing thing is fixed in five minutes and nobody but them even noticed it was missing. Like I have this one client that flies off the handle over the littlest shit. The other day she came to me literally red in the face and shaking all over to tell me, "Your waiters put out the coffee and milk, BUT THEY FORGOT THE HALF AND HALF! I SPECIFICALLY SAID I WANTED HALF AND HALF!" Of course, her group had not yet arrived, and the waiters brought the half and half long before they ever did, but she acted like someone had shoved a spear in her mother.
The fact that about 95% of the time, someone who says, "I don't have time to deal with other people's drama," are, themselves, completely characterized by being a huge mess of their own drama. You don't have time because you can't even handle your own.
The fact that about 95% of the time, someone who says, "You know me, I don't like to complain," is someone who complains incessantly about fucking everything.
Girls who learn to pole dance and try to separate its origins from what they're doing. "This isn't something risque, it's just a lot of fun and good exercise." Oh, so pole dancing has nothing whatsoever to do with strippers, huh? You just HAPPEN to be wearing vinyl go-go boots with three inch platforms and you just HAPPEN to be holding yourself up with your ass cheeks. How many calories do you burn when you slide the pole between your tits like that?
Videogames where your enemies are impervious to environmental hazards that would kill you if you ran through them. Like, I understand the concept of a lava monster that lives in lava and is made of lava, and is, hence, not negatively affected by being in lava, but if a bunch of human soldiers are running through a mine field to get me, a mine field, which, if I ran through it would kick my ass, some of those assholes had better lose a leg or there's some bullshit going on.
People who need to use an electrical outlet who unplug something of yours, who then don't plug it back when they're done. So you have your cell phone plugged into a charger that isn't plugged in, then you go to put it back on your belt clip, and look at it, and it's dead. "What the fuck?"
Today I overheard someone say "Janjuary." Oh, and uhhh... I didn't mishear it, because I was standing right next to her and she said it twice. Jan-ju-ary.... No, no... She was a native English speaker.... Yep... Janjuary. Just something I heard..... That's all...... *Brain explodes*
Today I got in a debate with this Christian who used the Gregorian Calendar as EVIDENCE of the truth of Christianity. "Just look at a calendar. What YEAR does it say it is?" (Sideways smile.) Look. All that is evidence of is that the people who made the calendar were Christians. Beyond that, 2007 is a totally arbitrary number. It's like the celcius temperature scale. It's based on the physical properties of water. Water boils at 100 degrees celcius and freezes at 0. This doesn't prove some farout cosmic truth. It just means that whoever decided to make the celcius temperature scale decided to base it on water. IT'S NOT LIKE GOD CAME DOWN AND SAID, "LOOK AT MY PDA! SEE? IT'S FEBRUARY 24, 1582! FIGURE THE REST OUT!" If anything, Catholics just took the Julian Calendar, stuck Jesus' supposed birthday in there, and named the calendar after the Pope Gregory XIII. WOW! THAT'S SO SCIENTIFIC!
Idiots who think that being an atheist means "You don't believe in anything." Uh, fuck you. I believe in plenty. I just tend not to believe in unprovable and highly unlikely things like God, the Easter bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. I believe in different things than you do. Does your disbelief in the things I believe in mean you don't believe in anything? Of course not. What really pissed me off was seeing a news clip of Christians complaining about atheists' complaints that they were being persecuted. The Christians' main argument was that they were justified in persecuting atheists for their beliefs since atheists didn't believe in anything, so it's not actually religious persecution, and thus, is completely constitutional. Other excuses that they used which are 100% bullshit were: "Freedom of religion doesn't mean freedom from religion," "This is a Christian nation," "All morals come from God so atheists have no morals," "Love can only come from God, so atheists don't know how to love," "So they want to take 'Under God' out of the Pledge of Allegiance. Where does it end?" They also complained that a public school was made to say a Muslim prayer at a football game since a Christian prayer was also said, implying that Muslims do not, and should not, have the same rights as Christians in America. Also, keep in mind that this point was made during a discussion about atheists in America, implying that Muslims are atheists. This was on the Paula Zahn show, which is on CNN, and this even-handed news channel chose as its panel for this discussion: a hardcore Christian supremacist, another hardcore Christian supremacist, and as the voice of reason, a Christian who says basically "I disagree strongly with what Atheists are all about, but maybe they have the right to express some of their opinions.... maybe."
Companies that see some other company that has a really great business idea or model that makes them almost instantly hugely successful, who then try to copy the idea and make their own business that offers a very similar service that is not nearly are good. For instance, Netflix popped up, and offered a service where you pay a very reasonable monthly fee, and they ship you DVD's in about one day, and include a means for you to return them postage-paid, and they will send you 3 or 4 DVD's at a time with no late fees, etc. and they have a fucking ass-ton of movies. (I don't mean to plug, but I seriously think they kick ass.) Then about a year later, some other company pops up that offers a through-the-mail DVD rental service where you pay about what you would pay at Netflix, but they have 25% as many movies, will send you one DVD at a time, gets movies to you in 4-5 days, has tons of hassles like not shipping your orders, acting like they didn't receive your returns when they actually did, and you have to stamp the envelope for your returns. WHY BOTHER? I mean, seriously, you're supposed to be the COMPETITION, so COMPETE. There should be a reason why you get customers other than because people didn't do any research and picked the wrong company.
Children who don't understand concepts like, "Don't pick the dog up by its tail."
Parents who don't understand concepts like why someone would yell at their child for picking the dog up by its tail and don't immediately take over the role of person yelling at the child picking the dog up by its tail, but instead think you are a horrible person for making their retarded child cry.
I remember when I was a kid I had a pet turtle. One of my little sister's friends was over. They were both about five. I saw the kid walk over to the aquarium and there was an instant panic reaction. It was as though I could see the future for a moment and caught a glimpse of my turtle hurtling towards the ground. The kid picked up the turtle, and I tried to hold back and give the kid the benefit of the doubt. "Be careful. Don't drop it," I said. Anyone who has ever picked up a turtle knows that a healthy one will always do one of two things. Either it will hide in its shell, or it will squirm and try to make you let it go. My turtle did the latter. Five seconds after he picked up the turtle, my clairvoyant vision proved to be true, and there was my turtle with a cracked shell writhing in pain on the cement back porch of my house. At this point I stopped holding back and did what most pet owners would do in a situation where some dumbass has inflicted a potentially fatal wound to their pet. I flipped out. Later, I was told that the kid's parents would no longer let him come to our house because I was mean. Uhh, fine. Fuck you. GOOD. Don't come over, dumbass. I wish you had never come over in the first place and hurt my pet. Better yet, why don't you come over so I can drop you on the back porch from 20 times your height to see if you like it.
Non-spammer spammers on Myspace. You know these people, and I'm not talking about Jen, Mindy, Tara, Michelle, Stacey, and Cassie, who all have 1 friend each and all sent you friend requests in a span of fourteen seconds with pics of them in thongs on webcams with identical porn-site links in their profiles. I'm talking about people who are in a band, or are comedians, or have online auctions, or are promoting a nightclub, who request you as a friend, and they seem legit, then you accept, and three times a day you get a bulletin about how to download their songs, buy t-shirts in their store, bid on stuff on Ebay, see them at such-and-such nightclub next week, etc. Can you say, "Delete from friends"?
People who hear that Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia steal jokes, and are then shown undeniable evidence, who then retort with, "Stop crying about it. Those guys are making millions and have tons of fans. I like Mencia's version better anyway. Don't cry just because you're jealous. You're just a bunch of haters." Uhhh.... FUCK you. Those guys are making millions on STOLEN JOKES. Maybe, just MAYBE, the people who should be enjoying that success are the people who WROTE and first performed those fucking jokes.
Girls who wear shoes that are obviously too small. Okay, so you have huge feet like a seven foot tall man, but you are not making it less obvious by wearing shoes that look like they could explode off your feet at any second. Look. You're wearing open toed shoes, and every one of your not-so little piggies is hanging off the front of the shoes and is on the cement. WRONG.
Clients who expect, nay, DEMAND personal service for simple things that would be faster and easier, for both the client and the service provider, if they just placed the order automatically.
The client goes to my company's webpage, skips past the "Order Form" link and goes straight to the "How to contact us" link.
"Hi, uhh, hello. Hi. Is this Chompy Catering? Hi. Okay. How are you today? I was, uhh, hoping maybe I could talk to someone about booking an, uhh, event. Yeah, uh, I have some bushiness associates coming into town, and, uhh, we were going to have a, uhh, meeting on, uhh, August 12th. Oh, uh, it's going to be on the uhh, 11th floor. Oh, uhh, in conference room C. Uhhhh.... Well, we were hoping maybe to get some refreshments, and uhh, what? Oh, at 8am. Well, it's kinda early so we were thinking maybe we could get some, oh, I donno... maybe some coffee, maybe some bottled water, and uhhh, do you have danishes? How about bagels? Do you have doughnuts? What about croissants? Hmmm.... Maybe we'll just get some bagels. Oh, uhh, it'll be for four people. No, no china. Paper and plastic is fine. Is that all you need? Oh, uhh, I'll be the host, so you can, uhh, put it under Joe Blow... J as in Janet, O as in Omelette, E as in, uhhhhhhhh Ear, B as in Boy, L as in.... uhhhh Loser, O as in Optical, W as in, uhhhh, Weenie. Huh? Oh, the cost center is 4325. That's it? So will you send me like a confirmation email? Okay, thanks!"
Yeah, thanks. Now that I'm done with your staggeringly demanding order for coffee, water and bagels for four, for two months from now, I can call the CEO's assistant back so we can have another planning meeting for that cocktail and dinner for 350 people next week. Hopefully she has picked out which wines, linen, china, silverware, glassware, flowers, background music, candles, hors d' oeuvres, cocktail food stations, appetizer, salad, main course choices and dessert and audio-visual equipment she wants.
Meanwhile, you could have just fucking hit the website, clicked "Order form," and then typed Joe Blow, tab, 4325, tab, 4, clicked calendar, Aug 12, tab, 8am, tab, down arrow, 11th floor, tab, down arrow, C, then clicked Coffee, Water, Bagels, and SUBMIT, and not only would you have been DONE, but you would have instantly gotten a confirmation, and I would have received a completed order sheet AUTOMATICALLY. Welcome to the fucking modern age, asshole.
I am currently sitting across from a woman who is about 35 years old. She is wearing a tank top with a low neckline to show her cleavage... which is covered in a forest of curly, black chest hair.
Paranoid fucks who think you're following them in areas where you really don't have any option other than to keep walking behind them. Of course, the only other option would be to maybe run past them, but that would almost definitely seem more crazy than just walking behind them, and they'd probably start screaming or maybe stab you.
Like today, I was standing in the elevator bank at work. waiting to go to the second floor. There was this other guy there and he kept looking at me. The elevator came and I got in and pressed 2. The other guy was also going to 2 and I guess he didn't feel that the 2 was sufficiently lit up so he pressed again. "Oh shit! He's going to my floor!"
The elevator stopped at 2 and we got off. I was going to the east side of the building. "Oh shit! I'm going to the east side too!" What are the odds of both of us going to the east side? Pretty good, since about 80% of everything of note on that floor is east of the elevator bank. From the elevator bank, there's a long hallway, with literally nowhere to turn off except men's and women's restrooms. Since I wasn't going to the restroom, that put me behind this guy for about 50 feet, and about every 10 feet he would half stop, look over his shoulder and give me a "What the fuck? Are you following me?" look.
GET HELP! Nobody is following you..... you paranoid shithead who I am going to sneak up on and strangle with piano wire as I buttrape your mouth and put my diseases in you.
People who still think putting a Dilbert comic on their cubicle is edgy.
While I retain a deep hatred of flyer assholes, the ones that really piss me off are the ones with attitudes. Today I was walking down the street when I saw fliers scattered all around on the sidewalk where people had thrown them down. Standing at the radius of this circle of litter was this guy with a stack of fliers in his hand looking at me and moving in to cut me off. Almost all flyer fucks do this to basically block your way so they can literally shove their flyer for "20% off men's suits" or "Flashdancers" or "Free shave with a haircut" or some other crap in your hand. It's like being flyer raped.
So I see this guy and do what I normally do. I stare straight ahead as though he isn't there, and don't say a word as I walk past him. This guy, however, was deeply offended that I was uninterested in whatever dogshit he was trying to foist on me. HOW DARE I?
"Pssssht! Whatever, dick!"
"Oh really? What am I missing out on?" The guy looked really confused. "What's the flyer for?"
"Huh? Uhhh, it's a latin band promo."
"Oh, so you're giving me shit for not taking your ad for some crappy band that I couldn't give two shits about? Fuck you."
"Fuck YOU!" The guy looked almost as pissed off as he looked confused.
"All you're doing is creating litter, idiot. Get a real job."
He was a gifted wordsmith. "Uhhh.. Pfff Tsss FUCK YOU!" he shouted as I walked away.
Fuckheads who want to start a mosh pit at EVERY concert. I can fully understand why a pit would happen at a Ministry concert, but if you're seeing Orbital you need to calm the fuck down.
People who go to a concert where there definitely will be a mosh pit, who stand right near the front, right in the middle, and then get bitchy when people around them don't behave.
Recently, I saw Skinny Puppy live. It was the third time I've seen them live. Skinny Puppy is very energetic, very loud, very theatrical, and EXTREMELY noisy. It's a given that there will be a pit at Skinny Puppy. It would actually be really strange if there wasn't. Huge mosh pits turned out to be three for three.
So I'm right near the front, and next to me is this girl who is trying to make out with her boyfriend more than she's really trying to watch the show. So they play Tin Omen, which gets the crowd pumped up, and a huge wave of people surges forward and presses me against this chick and her boyfriend. At this point, I'm basically just trying to stay on my feet and not fall down. Then this bitch starts honking at me. "OH MY GOD! GET THE FUCK OFF ME! GOD! WHAT THE FUCK!"
I'm like, "I'm sorry! What can I do?" And seriously, I have the weight of a few hundred people pushing me forward. So sorry for not being physically able to to stand like the The Rock of Gibraltar as the wave of bodies breaks against me. Should I just stand up straight and hold them back so I don't touch precious Princess Ragsalot? If you don't want to be pushed in the middle of a pit, get the fuck out of it. We all paid the same amount for our tickets. The additional price of the best view in the house is being jostled around a bit. Tough shit. Realize where the fuck you are.
Skim Milk. Seriously, fuck that shit. And while we're at it, fuck the sliced melon and yogurt for breakfast crowd. I never was one of those steak, bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy breakfast guys, but if you're going to eat a 14 calorie meal for breakfast, just don't eat. There's no point.
Below is a list of things that milk was never meant to be:
Translucent
Blue-Grey
Thin
Watery
Flavorless
Nonfattening
Consumed by women who are average height and 92 pounds who think they are fat.
Milk is a fatty substance and always has been. Think about what it is and where is comes from. It is a fatty substance, which comes from a fatty animal that weighs three quarters of a ton, that is a food source for its fatty, quarter-ton offspring... SO IT CAN PUT ON WEIGHT AND GROW.
If you are still insistent on drinking this weird shit, the least you can do is save some money. A quart of skim milk costs $1.99. However, a quart of whole milk also costs $1.99. First, take eight empty gallon milk jugs. Next, pour 1/8 of a whole milk quart in each of the eight jugs. Finally, fill the jugs the rest of the way with cold water. WOW! You just got eight gallons of skim milk for $1.99! Now you can take that money you saved and shove it up your ass!
Adults who seriously act like three year olds. The other day I saw this girl arguing with her boyfriend. Of course, there was copious yelling and foot stamping, but then she did something truly hilarious. She threw her Blackberry phone on the sidewalk and broke it. YEAH, BREAKING A 500 DOLLAR PHONE WILL DEFINITELY FIX THE PROBLEM AND MAKE YOU HAPPY!
I was already pissed off enough that Paris Hilton was released from jail three days into her 45 day sentence, then, as always, Al Sharpton had to go and make me even madder.
"It had all the appearances of economic and racial favoritism. I think it's another glaring display of how race and money seem to get different treatments. There seems to me a different criminal justice system for some than others."
While his horrible grammar by itself is enough to make my eye twitch, and I do agree that her celebrity and wealth were almost definitely factors in her release, I want to sit Al down and explain something that he doesn't seem to ever understand. NOT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS EVERYWHERE EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY ON THE PLANET EARTH IS A CONSPIRACY WITH THE EXPRESS INTENT OF OPPRESSING BLACK PEOPLE. I mean, I know that's your shtick and all, but Paris Hilton getting out of jail early has about as much to do with black people as the price of orange juice has to do with the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Regardless of her race, if she was a white blonde girl, or arab or chinese or black or hispanic or indian or whatever, if Paris Hilton had all her wealth and celebrity, I have no doubt the outcome would have been exactly the same.
Opening bands at concerts that are so bad that it seems like the only reasons they were picked is to be endured as a test of the headliner's fans' dedication, and because they couldn't possibly upstage the headliner.
People who still act like crop circles have some sort of unearthly origin. Hey, assholes. The people who were making them came clean years ago, and they even showed how to make them. IT WASN'T UFO'S, RETARDS, SO STOP ACTING LIKE THERE'S SOME DEEP SIGNIFICANCE. At best, you could call crop circles art, or maybe a prank. It would also be fair to call them a HOAX.
People who, when they are inconvenienced in a tiny way, act as though you have committed some atrocity against their family.
"Do you have any poppy seed bagels?"
"Sorry, we ran out. We have plain, whole wheat, pumpernickel, sesame seed, onion, cinnamon raisin and everything bagels."
"Pfff, but, but I WANTED A POPPY SEED BAGEL! GOD, THIS COMPANY IS A PIECE OF CRAP. ALL I WANTED WAS A POPPY SEED BAGEL! IS THAT SO HARD? ANSWER ME! I'M GOING TO EMAIL YOUR SUPERIORS, AND IF THERE ARE NO POPPY SEED BAGELS TOMORROW THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY!"
Inconsistent security bullshit.
Like sometimes when I bring someone into the building at work, security wants me to escort them, and they want their driver's license, passport, birth certificate, credit report, police record, FBI file, fingerprints, a blood sample, a hair sample and an imprint of their teeth.
Other times someone just shows up in my office. "How did you get in?"
"They just let me in."
Things that are obviously supposed to be refrigerated that say so on the package. Look. If you don't know that milk needs to be refrigerated, you're too stupid to read "Keep Refrigerated," and if you're that dumb, please don't refrigerate your milk because you deserve to be sick.
People who think they're making some kind of deep connection with people through completely unremarkable interests and experiences.
"Wow, you like 'The Godfather?' I love that movie! Wow!"
Here's a tip. About 99.999% of Americans have heard of, seen, and liked "The Godfather."
People in charge of making announcements who can't even speak English. This morning on the train:
"Dis Queenpwaza, tronfear to N, Dawbew. Nastop Core Hauza Squeer." (This is Queens Plaza, transfer to the N or W. Next stop: Court House Square.) I also liked when he referred to Grand Central as "Gron Cenreel."
Those moments when I get a song stuck in my head that I despise.
I was working on a meeting today and noticed the microphones at the head table.
The thought process went something like this.
"Hmm, I wonder how much that microphone costs.... Oh look, there's a sticker on it. Hmmm, 'King Cole Audio Rentals.' Old King Cole. Nat King Cole. Natalie Cole. Hmm, Natalie Cole sucks. Oh fuck, remember that horrible shit where she sang over her Dad's song? God, what a hack! And all those retards thought it was amazing, and they still play the stupid remake instead of the original song at wedding receptions and shit. I wonder if that bitch would even have a job if she actually had to write her songs..... That's why, darling, it's incredible, how someone so unforgettable, thinks that I am unforgettable tooooo FUCK FUCK FUCK!"
Two hour later...
"Like a song of love that clings to me, how the thought of you does things to me FUCKIN' FUCK!"
People who talk with their hands on the phone.
Motherfuckers who call me and CHEW THEIR FOOD IN MY EAR. Just what I need to brighten up my day. "Hi, smack smack, I just smack wanted to see glitch smack if you had any glick meeting rooms available smack smack for June 7th. Smack glick slop smack..."
FUCK you. That's goddamn disgusting. Do you want me to call you and put the phone directly against my asshole the next time I need to squeeze out a really drippy fart? You probably don't, and that's exactly how I feel about your smacky chewing noises.
People with the complete lack of instincts for self preservation needed to experiment with extremely addictive substances like crack and crystal meth. I mean, most people my age have probably tried pot, maybe LSD, mushrooms, etc, but it takes a special kind of stupid to get into meth. I mean seriously, what's the attraction. Are these people thinking, "I'm trying meth... This should turn out well." There's not a lot of glamour in a drug that makes you lose 100 pounds, makes your teeth disintegrate into little black rocks and makes a 23 year old look like a 75 year old in a year. I mean, I want to have sympathy, but fuck you. I think to myself, would I try something like that? NO. Of course not. Why not? Because I'm not retarded. I hate to say it, but crack and meth addicts really make me stop mourning the victims of Darwin's hit list. The strong survive. The weak say, "Sure, meth sounds like a load of laughs!" Fuck you.
Nerds that wear a black button-down shirt thinking it gives them that "formal, yet edgy" look, when in fact it just makes them look like more of a nerd, since only nerds do this. You want a bolo tie with that? Seriously, all this fashion statement says is, "I have a level 60 Druid." Sorry to break it to ya.
"Do you have any experience in this field?"
"No."
"Do you have any references?"
"No."
"Do you have any degrees?"
"No."
"Did you at least graduate from High School?"
"Uhhhh.... I dunno."
"You know what? That's okay because I'm a slimy dirtbag of a manager, and you're a pretty girl and that makes me horny. I'm going to give you the job because there's an extremely slim chance that you will realize I threw you a bone and then maybe you will fuck me. Of course, the odds of you fucking me are infinitesimal, but hey, I might as well give it a shot. You can start on Monday."
Automatic-stop faucets in restrooms where the function "don't waste water" far overrides the function "let people wash their hands." I, by far, am not one of these OCD people who washes and washes and washes his hands until they are raw, but I just washed my hands in a restroom and I had to restart the faucet FIVE times to wash my hands.
On a side note, OCD is definitely the funniest disorder ever. Sorry, but turning a light switch on and off fifty times to make sure it's off is pure comedy. I'm sorry, and I know people with OCD suffer, and if they suffered in a less hilarious way, I would be 100% sympathetic.
People who submit lyrics to lyrics database websites that are incorrect. Uhhh... If millions of people like a song, it's likely that a high proportion of them know the fucking words, and when they read your submission on the page, their response is going to be, "WHAT? WRONG!"
What's even dumber is when the lyrics appear in the album liner notes, and people don't just copy them over to the page, but instead write down the incorrect shit they think they hear.
Neckties that start disintegrating after you wear them a couple of times. I recently got a tie and the second time I wore it, I took off my jacket and noticed little bits of navy blue fuzz all over my shirt. After brushing it off, I saw that my tie was all furry looking. I pulled at the fur and it came off in my hand easily, leaving a spot on the tie with no navy blue in the pattern.
People who distribute video and music files on the internet in fucked up formats that often require you to install new media player programs. Look. Mp3. Avi. Mpg. That's all you fucking need. What's the fucking point of having eighty million different types of files that need eighty million different media programs to play. Let's see here. Here's a BHF file that only plays in MegaPlayer Pro, and here's a UBT file that only plays in Omni Media Center, and here's a GDO file that only plays in CineSpark Plus, and here's a MMX file that only plays in Media Maestro HD, and here's a URM file that only plays in PowerPlayer 9.0, and here's a FUK file that only plays in Sketchyplayer Adware DeliveryBot.
Here's some perspective. I wasn't interested enough in this movie enough to see it in the theatre. I wasn't interested enough to buy the DVD. I wasn't even interested enough to put it in my Netflix cue, among over 100 other movies that I just stuck in there in case they might be entertaining. I was barely interested enough to hit "download" and will probably end up watching 20 minutes of it out of the corner of my eye while I'm playing Final Fantasy and deleting it. Do you think I'm interested in it enough to install or even fucking BUY some stupid software just to watch it? HAH! Fuck you.
Drug testing in workplaces where safety and public health are not issues. Look. If people in your company operate a crane or pilot a 747 or perform open heart surgery, then fuck yes, your employees had better be clean, but if the most dangerous thing that happens in your workplace is putting the yellow forms in this filing cabinet and the pink forms in that filing cabinet, then fuck you, it's none of your fucking business what your employees do over the weekend.
I'm not saying everyone has to accept everyone else's worldview, but I have met people who can't even grasp the concept that other people even have very different ways of thinking. Here's a summary of a conversation I just had with a 40 year old man.
"So what's the deal with these guys who were plotting that attack on Fort Dix?"
"Basically some muslim radicals were going to try to kill as many American soldiers as possible."
"But... Don't they believe in the Ten Commandments?"
"Uhh... No."
"And they think they'll go to heaven?"
"Apparently."
"But that's stupid. If they suicide bomb, and die, they can't even pray to Jesus to forgive them, so how are they supposed to go to heaven?"
"Uhhh... I don't think they're too concerned about what Jesus has to say about it."
"But don't muslims believe in Jesus?"
"Well, they do, but he doesn't really have as much of a leading role in their book."
Here's one for everyone who has had the pleasure of working in foodservice.
Captain: "Chef, the people are arriving."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "The people are sitting down."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "We're going to take the order now."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "Okay, here are the orders."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "We're going to serve the appetizer now."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "All the apps are down."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "They're done with the apps. We're going to clear."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "Apps are cleared. We're going to serve the salad now."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "All salads are down."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "They're done with the salads. We're going to clear."
Chef: "Okay."
The captain walks to the hot line with 20 waiters who are each holding two cloth napkins for carrying hot plates.
Captain: "Okay, salads are cleared. We're ready."
Chef: "Ready for what?"
Captain: "To pick up entrees."
Chef: "WHAT? You never said you were getting ready to take out entrees! They're not done yet! Come back in 10 minutes! What the fuck! You need to learn to communicate with the kitchen better! You can't just walk in here and go 'SURPRISE! I'm ready to pick up entrees!'"
Turnstiles that have that little annoying delay before releasing. You swipe your ID card, the thing beeps, the light turn green, you walk forward, then get clotheslined.
Perhaps the only thing dumber than all-fluff news shows like The Today Show are those retarded assholes who stand outside the window with their stupid posterboard signs that say shit like "Happy Birthday Steve" and "Go Cats!" I mean seriously, if you ever wondered why New Yorkers were rude to tourists, wonder no more. "Well here we are in what could be considered one of the epicenters of human culture and achievement. What should we do? I know! Let's set the alarm clock for 5am so we can dress up like idiots and go stand on the sidewalk outside The Today Show holding a "Hi Mom" sign for a few hours in 20 degree weather in hopes of being on camera waving like idiots for a fraction of a second, which nobody will even pay attention to or remember."
Nosy fucks who always instinctively probe for more information than you were offering. For instance, you want to show them a picture you took on your digital camera. You select the picture you want to show them, then hand them the camera with the intended picture displaying. They look at the picture for 1.3 seconds, then start hitting the directional buttons to see what other pictures you have stored.
"Hey, that's a cool cell phone. Can I see it?"
"Sure." You hand them the phone.
"Wow, this is nice," they say as they immediately look to see who is in your phone book and try to search for pictures you might have taken.
People who are terrified of completely harmless animals.
People who still believe that the environment is perfectly fine, and that any shift in climate or change in water, air and soil quality, mass extinctions, etc are just natural occurrences, and even if humans are responsible for the ecosystem falling apart, who gives a shit.
People who recognize that the environment is in trouble who think that a perfectly reasonable expectation is that all people on the planet will scrap their cars, buy bicycles, eat only organic food, recycle everything, stop patronizing any company that ever produced more than an ounce of pollution, limit families to one child per couple, stop using paper, stop using plastic, stop using all artificial chemicals, etc etc. I think Bill Maher said it best. "If Americans were told that they could reverse global warming by simply getting up and changing the channel instead of using the remote control, how long do you think it would take them to just be like, 'Ah fuck it.'?"
Oh, and just a little tip for Sheryl Crow... I have thought you were a dumbass for years, but I really never fathomed how bad it was. Do you really think that telling people they should only use ONE SQUARE OF TOILET PAPER WHEN THEY WIPE THEIR ASSES is a realistic way to advance your environmentalist agenda? While I do feel that we are, to an extent, on the same side in this fight, you will have to pardon me if I don't shake your hand.
People who don't speak much English who only understand you if you use English words arranged in a way that native English speakers would not understand.
"Could you take those boxes around back to the freight entrance?"
"Uhhhhh...."
"Boxes take street there, coming left. Big door. Uhhh, truck big door on back for trucks. Boxes take there."
"Ahhh, okay!"
Science is like an unfamiliar road. You walk down the road, and you might have an idea of where you would like to end up, and after walking 100 miles, you stop, compare your expectations to where you are, and think, "What have I learned?" Then, as you look ahead into the distance as the road twists off into the horizon and vanishes from sight, you think, "I have a lot more to learn," and you adjust your backpack and continue walking.
The difference between science and Christian "science" is that in Christian "science" you see the unfamiliar road and say, "If I walk 100 miles down this road, I will be in the middle of downtown Chicago," then, after walking 100 miles, and taking no exits or detours, the Christian "scientist" stops on the outskirts of Paducah, Kentucky and proudly proclaims, "WOW! Chicago sure has changed a lot since my last visit."
If your GOAL is not to discover, but to prove the Bible is true, you are not a scientist.
Anyone who likes or dislikes music based on where it's from. I'm not talking about like Tuvian throat music or J-pop, or Calypso, which have obvious roots that can't really be denied, but like, if you hate a certain rapper because he's from Brooklyn, and you're from "DA BOOGIE DOWN BRONX, AND YO, BROOKLYN IS BULLSHIT, MAN!" ... you're an idiot. The same applies to the whole East Coast / West Coast rap thing, the whole UK / Detroit techno thing, etc etc.
Cell phones, like the one I am writing this entry on, whose vibrating silent ringer is so slight you would need sensitive equipment to detect it. People try to call me all the time, and I feel it maybe once every five calls.
Bands, comedians, etc. that do national tours, and for some unknown reason skip New York City. Oh, right. You go to Beaufort, North Carolina and Muncie, Indiana and fucking Falls City, Nebraska, with a population of 4,500 people, but you skip New York City? Maybe you didn't hear me clearly. NEW YORK CITY. More people in NYC would want to buy tickets to your event than even live in Moab, Utah, so what the fuck are you thinking stopping there and not here?
Swingers or other people in "open" relationships who want the whole world to know that they are swingers and are totally sexually liberated, etc. who are completely physically repellant. Picturing one of them having sex with anyone is just gross, and picturing them having sex with each other is even worse, and picturing them having sex together with any third party is even worse, and picturing them having sex together with YOU is enough to make you throw up in your mouth. Unfortunately, this seems to apply to almost everyone who professes to be a swinger. I've met a few people who said they were in open relationships, and about 1% of them looked halfway decent. The rest were like saggy jello trolls with pedophile mustaches and gorilla-like shoulder hair, and that's just the women.
People who use my work computer without asking, and are then deeply offended when I ask, "Uhh, what are you doing?"
Let me explain something. There is one thing I hate more than having fucked up popup ads and spyware and shit, and that's looking for a job because Tubgirl found its way into my history on my work computer.
People who use recreational drugs who think that every rock, techno, industrial, etc. song is about a drug experience.
People who like rock, techno, industrial, etc. who are naive enough to believe that drugs played no part in the creative process in a lot of music that they enjoy.
Guys who check out every, EVERY woman who walks past them. I mean, if Masuimi Max walks past you, you kind of can't help but do a double-take, but I see guys who will pinch a fucking nerve by making their head do a prolonged Linda Blair 360 to stare at completely unremarkable, or even unattractive girls. This morning I was waiting for the train, and a train pulled into the station, and I saw this guy who was sitting on the train craning his neck to see this girl who was standing next to me on the platform. He kept staring at her until the train pulled out of the station. I knew she was there, but had not really noticed what she looked like. After seeing this guy falling over himself trying to get a better look, I started to wonder if maybe I was missing something, so I looked at her.
Before me stood a woman who was about 30 years old, 5'6"ish with straight, mouse brown hair about shoulder length cut in an unremarkable way. She was white. She was maybe a few pounds overweight, not fat, not skinny, and was wearing a boring work-appropriate brown suit with flats. She wasn't particularly busty and, indeed, if she was busty or had a nice ass, her suit was cut in such a way that you wouldn't really be able to tell anyway. The only skin she was showing was on her face and hands. She either wasn't wearing makeup or was wearing little enough that you would guess she wasn't wearing any. I didn't notice any jewelry. She didn't have any notable acne, scars, etc. that could possibly be causing the train guy to be doing the holy fuck neck crane. Her face wasn't ugly, and wasn't pretty either. If you witnessed her committing a crime, and the police asked you to describe her face so they could make a composite sketch, you would be hard pressed to remember anything, as there was nothing particularly amazing or unique about her facial features that would stand out in memory.
In short, she was ORDINARY; as plain as Jane gets. The guy on the train was straining to check her out as though he had never seen a woman before, and there was truly nothing to prompt the "DAMN, LOOK AT HER, MAN, HOLY FUCK" reaction this guy was having. Yes, she has a vagina. Calm the fuck down.
Of course, this isn't just about one guy looking at one girl. This is like a plague of retardation, and on a five minute stroll in Manhattan, you can observe this happening a dozen times.
People who are members of a group that has been historically discriminated against, that fail to see the irony of them being deeply discriminatory against another oppressed group. I remember a few years back I was driving through Cincinnati and I saw a huge billboard that featured the smiling face of a black male politician. In bold letters was the phrase, "NO SPECIAL RIGHTS FOR GAYS."
Workplaces that provide you with a computer that is powerful enough to kind of run a late-90's version of Microsoft Word in 8-bit color at 600x480 on Windows 95 really, really slowly, and if you use a photo as a desktop background, or heaven forbid, get on the internet, the computer's performance slows to a crawl. Just give me a fucking abacus, you cheap fucks.
People in relationships who do irrational, inexplicable, off-the-charts fucking psycho things and use poor judgment, who then can't understand why their partner is perturbed.
People who lie to other people right in front of you, and their lie is something you are privy to, and often the lie is totally unnecessary. Like this one guy who eats lunch in our restaurant about two or three times a week, and has come to the restaurant for the past three months brought a client in today to talk business over lunch. He usually brings clients when he comes. The guy says, "Wow. This place is nice. This is the first time I've been here." He looks to me. "So what would you recommend?"
So now, I either have to piss off a regular customer, who knows the menu by heart and always gets the same fucking thing, or else I have to be complicit, which makes me a liar too.
People who see the whole of human existence as, "I bet that guy is fucking me over. Maybe I should fuck him over like I fucked that other guy over. Wow, I really fucked him over, but that's ok because he might have been thinking about fucking me over. Oh, and I should really fuck that other guy over. I fucked him over before, but he never knew I was fucking him over, so he kinda deserves to be fucked over again. Then again, maybe he does know I fucked him over, and I bet right now he's plotting to fuck me over. Hell with it then, I definitely have to fuck him over now.
Employers who think that the fact that they give you a paycheck is justification to make you do anything.
"Oh, hey! If it isn't our new regional director! Did you come in over the weekend to paint that office like I asked? Good, good. Oh, before I forget, the toilet in the staff restroom clogged and overflowed, and there's stuff all over the floor. It's still clogged and the toilet and floor are full of crap. Yeah, it's pretty gross. Could you take care of that? Oh, and after that I need you to unpack and assemble the desks for that new office."
People who don't get the whole casual courtesy thing.
Like I'll be leaving for work in the morning, and as I'm walking through the building lobby I pass one of the other tenants, a lady about 55-60 years old. I politely smile and say, "G'morning," just like I would to anyone.
She avoids eye contact and hurries on her way without saying a word. "If I say hello back, obviously he will rape me, because my rickety body and jowly face obviously make me a prime target to a man in his early 30's. I'd better just act like a complete cunt and not say hello, despite the fact that there are only two of us in this quiet apartment building lobby, and not acknowledging another adult in this sort of situation is just plain weird."
Drivers that try to let you cross the street in such a way that it doesn't convey what the fuck they're doing so it ends up taking far longer than if they had just kept going. Just now I was crossing the street in the middle of the block. It wasn't even an intersection. I'm waiting for traffic to clear when this one car slows way down. So of course I'm thinking "Hurry up, you fuck!" The car still hasn't stopped but is coasting very, very slowly. The traffic in the far lane is gone, so I could cross if this idiot would just fucking drive. At this point I yell at the retard. "Come on!" He stops right in front of me. I give him the "What the fuck? " gesture. He gestures for me to cross, which is really idiotic considering there is once again traffic in the other lane. He sits there. I gesture for him to keep going. He sits there. The traffic clears in the other lane. He gestures for me to go. I wave for him to keep driving. We stare at each other for a few second. At this point I figure he's going to sit there all fucking day if I don't cross, so I start walking. At the same moment I made this assumption, he must have figured that I wasn't going to cross until he left and he started to roll forward. I stop. He stops. He gestures for me to cross. I wave for him to keep driving. He sits there. I stand there. We stare at each other. Gesture.... Wave.... Stare, stare, stare..... I start to cross again. He starts to move again. I stop. He stops. He gestures. At this point, I let out an exacerbated "GODDAMN!" and walk around the back of his car and across the street. He drives away. This retard wanted to help me cross the street, yet all he did was cost me time as we played a stupid little politeness game. If he had just kept driving, I would have been across the street and he would have been a few blocks down the road in half the time.
Videogame designers who think their music soundtrack is amazing, entirely forgetting the fact that hearing any song for hours at a time will make you sick of it. Sure, Sanctuary of Zi'Tah was cool the first time I went there, but after spending the last three years passing through it on the way to Dragon's Aery and Ru'Aun, it just makes me turn the volume down and listen to something else.
People with physical problems that are beyond their control who think they can make fun of other people's physical problems. This guy I work with said to me, "Wow! You're losing your hair. Hah-hah!" He laughed like he had made an awesome joke, but he didn't even set it up or anything. This guy is 26, all of five feet tall, about 95 pounds, and has a voice like he's been sucking helium.
I replied, "Well, you might lose your hair too someday, but I'll never be short."
Girls who think they can detract from guys thinking some chick is hot by questioning the authenticity of her breasts. "I bet her tits are fake." I for one am not a huge fan of breasts that look truly fake or are ridiculously enormous, however, if a girl's tits look nice and perky, then who fucking gives a shit where she got them? Oh, you bought these for me? Why, thank you. So what if she has a few post-consumer upgrades to enhance what was issued at the factory, if they look decent, cool. Rock on. Fake tits are like fake sugar. If they are obviously fake, meh. If they are realistic enough to spark debate on their authenticity, stick em in your mouth and enjoy.
Retards who either won't listen or won't take no for an answer and don't know when to give up.
I was standing in line at Burger King and this kid who looked to be about 16-18 was in line in front of me. He was decked out in his finest "urban douchebag" wear including the standard issue baggy pants around his ankles, a sports jersey down to his knees and a too-large baseball hat cocked at an absurd angle. For this alone I wanted to dunk his head in the deep fryer. Oh, and I might have forgotten to mention, he was white.
In New York City there are tons of kids pulling the annoying "marked up candy" scam. The purported reasons are usually either "this is for my school basketball team" or a more annoying "I'm not gonna lie, this money is for me to keep me off the street," the not-so subtle meaning being, buy my marked up candy or I'll have to start robbing and killing people.
This kid used the bullshit basketball team story. He turns around and starts trying to hard sell me some fucking Peanut M&M's.
"Excuse me, I'm raising money for my basketball team and I..."
"No thanks," I say clearly and audibly.
"Well the money would help pay for uniforms and..."
"No thank you."
"You'd be helping a lot and..."
"I'm not interested."
"We do this once a year to raise...."
"WHAT, ARE YOU DEAF?"
"What? Don't talk to me like that."
"I mean seriously, are you deaf or retarded? I told you no THREE TIMES."
"Yo, don't talk like that, I'll fuck you up. I ain't no pussy." The kid starts puffing up his chest and trying to act big and bad.
"Sorry, kid. I'm not scared of retards. I told you I wasn't interested THREE TIMES. How many times do you need to be told no before you fuck off?"
"Yo, why you think you can talk to me like that?"
"What difference does it make how I talk to you if you're fucking deaf? Do you understand now that I don't want any candy? Has it gotten through?"
The kid did the "not worth my time" hand flip, gave a "Pfff," and turned around and began his ghetto post-argument unintelligible mumbling.
People who will let a zit grow to the size of a shiny, pus filled parasitic twin and not pop it. The zit is obviously ready. All it would take is the slightest pressure and the thing would spurt out a quart of cottage cheese and spaghetti, and the doofus would be on the road to recovery, but NO! This guy wants to let you enjoy watching the greasy thing grow and grow, from a little pink bump to a huge shiny bloated bag of pus.
Yesterday I read a story in the news about this couple being kicked off of a plane because they couldn't get their three year old brat to sit down and be quiet. The first thought to pop into my head was, "There's a couple that has never spanked their child." Who's in charge here? The plane couldn't take off because the kid refused to sit down. IT'S A THREE YEAR OLD. I can just picture these parents trying to politely reason with their heinous brat as he's flipping out. "Come on, now, honey. Sit down please. Please? Don't be like this, honey. Be a good boy and sit down." Fuck that. You retards are in charge. MAKE the kid sit down. Congratulations. You're terrible enough parents to forfeit your vacation and make national news.
Today, I overheard some coworkers talking about the story, and I thought I would humorously interject. "Good. That's one less screaming brat kicking the back of someone's seat."
They looked at me like I was Josef Mengele. "Well..... You don't have children. You don't know what it's like." (The person who said this also doesn't have children).
"No, but I do know what it's like to be stuck on a flight next to some horrible kid for six hours as they spaz nonstop and make the flight unbearable."
They changed the subject.
People who see the following as economic improvement:
Year 1: Gross Domestic Product is 13 trillion dollars. 95% of the wealth is in the hands of the richest 2% of the population.
Year 2: Gross Domestic Product is 13 trillion and one dollars. 99.5% of the wealth is in the hands of the richest .5% of the population.
If you see this as economic improvement, rest assured, you're a complete and total douchebag, and I for one will laugh when they cut off your precious little Marie Antoinette head.
Drag queens that don't even come close. I mean, I'm not going to rip on drag queens in general. It's certainly not a thing where I can say I've walked a mile in their shoes, and I don't really relate to the concept of an adult wishing to be someone other than who they are, and no, I don't really buy that who you really are deep down is Marilyn Monroe, but do what makes you happy. However, I have always said, if you're going to do something, do it right. By now I imagine most people in the civilized world have seen drag queens before. A few that I've seen actually looked like women, at least to the extent that a passing glance wouldn't make someone go, "HAH! It's a dude!" and all 7th grade snickering aside, kudos to them, I suppose. However, most drag queens I have seen looked like men in women's clothing. I assume this is not the desired effect. Worse, they looked like big hairy men in women's clothing with ridiculous botox lips. Look, some guys can't pull it off. They're too bulky, have massive monkeyman hands, have that kind of beard that looks like five o'clock shadow at 10am, or whatever. If the closest you can get to looking like a woman is looking like Tony Soprano in hooker boots and a tube top with a fake as hell Barbie doll wig, then just don't..
People who like or dislike a city, state, etc. based on their feelings about the local sports team. I actually wrote the previous sentence before I saw these shitheads on the news with their "funny" Superbowl sign. It was held by these inbred looking Chicago fans and took a stab at the New Orleans Saints with the phrase, "The Bears finishing what Katrina started."
"Oh, look at me! I'm being edgy!" No, go eat some death, assbags.
People, who, in this age of voicemail, cell phones and caller ID, think they can make something seem imperative by saying, "I've been trying to get a hold of you all week. I must have called you 20 times!" Uhh... NO YOU DIDN'T, YOU FUCKING LIAR.
Drunk people in bars who sway and bump you, and think you bumped them, and then take the semi-aggressive stance of teaching you some manners. "Hey-y-y-y. Take it easy, buddy!"
These two trumpet players that I frequently see in subway stations. I've seen these guys for years, and I'm sure tourists probably like them, but you know... FUCK those guys. Their playlist consists of "When the Saints Go Marching In," "When the Saints Go Marching In," and "When the Saints Go Marching In"..... annnnd that's all. They play one fucking song, over and over and over. They play it in this ragtime style, which might seem to someone who has only seen it once, like improvisation, but, uhhhh... Nope. They are usually on the subway platform on my way to work. I've heard that same fucking song so many times I want to twist their trumpets around their necks. Actually, I think they alternate Thursdays with the bandage-over-eye bum, who is almost always there whenever they aren't, and yeah, I've seen him for years too, and apparently he has an operation on his right eye every day.
"Oh, but Neg! You're such a Scrooge! How could you not appreciate live music in the subway?" Look. I ride the subway out of necessity, not as a wonderful place to go enjoy New York's rich panhandler culture. In the absolute BEST case scenario the commute will be quick (which is rare), quiet enough to hear my iPod without cranking it to full volume (which is even more rare), and with no filthy asshole with scabies leaning on me as he sleeps.
And seriously, when was the last time that anyone under age 90 stopped and thought, "Sayyy.... I haven't heard 'When the Saints Go Marching In' in a long time. That's a shame, because that tune would be just dandy to hear every single fucking day at 8:52am when I'm running late for work because the train is slow as shit and people are crowded around me waiting to wedge into a subway car that is packed like a sardine can and I haven't had any caffeine yet."?
Retards on Ebay and Craigslist who think that their five and a half year old laptop that's running Windows ME is worth 900 bucks. Oh boy, oh boy! 256 megs of RAM? Can I PLEASE dump nearly a grand on a computer that can KINDA run Duke Nukem? 900 bucks is kinda steep for a doorstop, doncha think?
One thing I have to say is sort of a positive thing, even though it's as a result of a shitty thing, for the first time I can remember in my lifetime, you can bump into almost any person on the street, even including many people who consider themselves conservatives, say, "So, what do you think about the president?" and most likely he will laugh, and say something like, "Wow! That guy is a retarded asshole!" and you will both agree with each other. They keep saying that Bush has polarized the country, but I can't think of a time that more people had the same opinion as me about something significant. Wow. I feel kinship with my fellow man. It's kinda nice and kinda shitty at the same time.
Now if only Jesus was around to drunkenly stumble out of a limousine wearing no panties in front of the papparazzi so I would find some more people to agree with...
People who I haven't talked to in months who go out to some bar, get really drunk, start fidgeting with their cell phone, see my name, and think, "Hey... I haven't talked to him in forever. I should call him RIGHT NOW."
2:17AM, Thursday:
*RING RING* "What in the living FUCK? Who the fuck would fucking.... Goddammit!... (I pick up) "HELLO?!"
"Neg! What's up, dude?"
"What the..... Who is this?"
"It's Steve. What's up?"
"It's like 2:15 in the morning!"
"Dude, I know! I'm out drinkin' with some friends. So what's happ'nin'?"
"I was asleep. What's up?" (Meant in the "what the fuck do you want" way, but of course, the guy takes it in the "How's it goin'" way)
"Just chillin'. Dude, I haven't talked to you in forever. So what's new?"
"I have to work in the morning!"
"Really? Where are you working these days?"
"I have to go."
"Hang on, dude! Someone wants to say hi."
(Scuffling sounds followed by the voice of a drunk, giggly girl)
"Hello?"
"Hi."
(She half covers the phone and yells to the guy)
"Who is it?"
(I hear the guy' s voice in the background.)
"It's Neg!"
"Who?"
"Neg!"
(More scuffling noises as the girl who I've never met passes the phone back to the guy.)
"Dude!"
"I have to sleep. I'm hanging up now."
"Alright dude. Take it easy."
*Click*
2:30....
3:00....
3:35....
"FUCKING ASSHOLE!" I shout in the dark as I stare at the ceiling.
People who think that any object smaller than an Irish Setter is perfectly safe to flush down the toilet.
People from boring, backwards, sleepy rural towns where everyone knows everyone and regardless of your interests there's never a fucking thing going on, EVER, who can't comprehend why someone would want to move away to a big metropolitan city.
When I was preparing to move from Lexington, Kentucky to New York City, several people asked me, "Why would you want to move there?" Are you fucking high? Seriously?
Let's see here.... What did I do for fun when I lived in Lexington? I drove to Chicago, Detroit, Toronto, New York City, St. Louis, Cleveland, Columbus, Knoxville, Nashville, Myrtle Beach, Virginia Beach, Indianapolis, Cincinnati... Are we starting to see a pattern? By contrast, in New York I can put in a day at work and afterwards get everything from a Skinny Puppy concert to Monet to the best restaurants in America on a 20 minute train ride, and show up to work the next day rested.
When I go back to Lexington to visit family, I check out downtown, and it never fails to make me feel like moving was the greatest decision I ever made. The same people are sitting on the same stools in the same bars as they were seven years ago when I left, a little fatter, a little balder, still chasing after the same aging piece of ass that they were chasing in college, twelve years ago. When I talk to them, I usually open with the same casual greeting I use in New York, "What's new?" though the reaction has a decidedly different tone. In New York, people reply with a relaxed, "Not much." In Lexington they always get a hollow look in their eyes, the look of someone who feels doomed, and reply, "Nothing. Nothing at all. Same old shit." It's one thing to be bored and restless at 18. It's another thing to be bored and restless at 34, and remember that you've felt that way since you were 18, and that you see less and less potential to break free as time goes by.
You remember when you were a couple of years out of high school? You had less than five grand in the bank from your job as a houseman at the local hotel, setting up banquet tables, and you were pretty bored and were waiting for that budding punk scene to find a new place to take root and get fun again after The Wrocklage shut down. You were hoping that maybe Lexington would start to develop into more of a real city and there would be something on the radio other than Travis Tritt and whatever Hootie and the Blowfish dogshit the local corporate alterna-crap station had on heavy rotation.
Now you're 34. How's that punk scene? It never quite took off again, did it? Now you're the supervisor over the hotel housemen and you still have less than five grand in the bank, and now you have a car payment , a child support payment, and are renting an apartment for yourself, your girlfriend, and her two kids, one of which is yours. Now the local radio plays Brooks and Dunn and the alterna-crap station plays Nickelback. Downtown hasn't turned metropolitan, rather, half of the store fronts have "For Lease" signs in them. Instead of cool businesses filling those spots, two more Walmarts have sprouted up on the outskirts of town, nestled in the midst of brand new suburbs. You remember thinking the whole "Go Cats" basketball fan bullshit was silly and funny. Now you just want to punch someone in the eyes when you hear it.
So, why would I move away?
People who get angry that you aren't happy for them for their terrible life altering decisions.
"Yes, I did date him about a year ago and it is the same guy who beat me up and stole my jewelry and credit cards to pay for his smack habit and pay off that pimp who was going to kill him for fucking that hooker and then beating her up and skipping out without paying, while we were dating, and yes, he did kind of technically rape me that one time, but I really believe that he loves me and he says he is off the drugs and is starting a real job next week.... And he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Isn't that awesome?"
"Uhhhhh..... Yay?"
People who think the key to writing referential humor is making the references as obscure and convoluted as possible so nobody but them recognizes the reference.
People who don't think a good comedian is funny when they use referential humor because they are out of touch and don't recognize even the most easily recognized people and events.
People who seem to always opt for the way that would make it more difficult for you.
People who leave important shit laying around, and then when it gets lost try to blame anyone but themselves.
"Did you find a blue folder here?"
"Uhhh.... No."
"It had the annual budget in it and I need it."
"I've been here all day and I didn't see any folder."
"Who else has been in here?"
"A ton of people. The waitstaff, building maintenance, clients, the janitor. Lots of people."
"Well I NEED that folder!"
Bon Jovi's second chance.
People who think that anyone who isn't a ball-buster is an ass-kisser.
People who think that anyone who isn't an ass-kisser isn't a team player.
People at work who think that anything that prevents them from being as absolutely lazy as fucking possible is busting their balls.
People at work who are annoying as shit who apparent know they are, who call you with requests prefaced with, "Hi, it's me. You know your day wouldn't be complete unless I called to annoy you."
Then you have to be professional and ass-kissy and reply, "No, no! You're not bothering me. How can I help you?"
People whose shut the fuck up reflex works in reverse, like the times when it doesn't matter if they talk, they don't have much to say, but stick them in a movie theatre, and their gums start flapping.
I recently went with a date to the Upright Citizens Brigade theatre. I love that place. The admission and the beer are cheap and about 90% of the time, the show is fucking hilarious. The girl had previously expressed interest in comedians and sketch comedy shows, and she had never been to the UCB, so I figured this would be a home run. Before we went there, we went to another spot in the Village and had a few beers. I figure a decent buzz is a good start to a night of laughs, and I had been way more drunk with her in the past and she had never done anything fucked up, so I didn't think anything of it. We only had a couple of beers each.
Now, if anyone is trying to think of a test to see if the girl they are dating is "the one," this is it. Take her to a comedy show. Can this girl sit through a comedy show and laugh and have a good time like a normal person, will she sit there in silence with a stick up her ass like a total prude, or will she do something to make you want to die and disappear into a hole in the Earth?
There were two comics that acted as the hosts and there was an improv troupe of about six people. The show was decent. It might not have been the best comedy show I had ever seen, but it definitely wasn't the worst. However, my date apparently felt that the show could have been better. It needed something. It needed HER. Her comedic brilliance would SAVE this otherwise doomed performance. The troupe was doing a skit with two characters in a car. "What's that smell? I think there's something in the back seat."
Then, next to me I hear a squeaky voice shout out, "BLEACH!"
What the fuck? I mean, I know that the two of us had an INSIDE joke about the smell of cum, but why the fuck was I hearing it blurted out now in the middle of a comedy show?
The troupe tried to play it off. "What the fuck? Is there a ghost in the back of the car? Why would our car be shouting out random things? Our car must be haunted."
She apparently thought they didn't hear it the first time and needed clarification. "IT'S BLEACH!" she cried as I could feel my ass cheeks clenching together involuntarily.
"Whoa! The ghost in our car must be obsessed with laundry products!"
I didn't really hear where they took the joke from there, because I was paying attention to the livid host hissing in my left ear, "YOU'D BETTER GET HER TO SHUT THE FUCK UP. IF SHE SAYS ONE MORE WORD, YOU TWO ARE OUT OF HERE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" What a fun date! Seriously, how many dates have you been on in your life where you were scolded and threatened by one of the operators of one of your favorite places to go, a place you somewhat revere where you could even be considered a regular? GREAT FUN! You know, I thought going to a comedy club was supposed to be entertaining, not humiliating.
"What did he say?" she asked.
"He said if you said anything else they would throw us out."
About five minutes later, the troupe stopped for a short intermission and one of the hosts walked onto the stage and began talking, the other sat down in one of the seats a few feet away from my date.
"How is everyone enjoying the show so far?"
The other host yelled out from the audience, "I'M TALKING!"
"We hope you're all having a good time."
"I'M SAYING WORDS WITH MY MOUTH!"
"We also hope that you are tipping your bartender."
"I'M TALKING VERY LOUDLY!"
"We have shows every night here at the UCB theatre.
"I'M TALKING ABOUT....THINGS!"
"And we would like to remind everyone..."
"I AM HILARIOUS! LOOK AT ME!"
"....that if you talk during the performance, we will have to remove you."
"I SUCK AND I AM LOUD!"
"So please sit back and enjoy the rest of the show."
And then the crowd laughed really boisterously... at our expense. I wanted to laugh too, because it was definitely funny, but I was too fucking mortified. I think it's fair to say that we got owned.
Out of touch idiots, particularly in politics, who can't grasp the difference in severity between:
Using Pot and Using Crack.
Trying drugs a few times and being a junky.
Occasionally smoking pot with friends and selling crack to elementary school children.
Riding a skateboard and killing a cop.
Assholes who are rude for no reason. Tonight I walked into a pub and asked the bartender what I thought was a perfectly reasonable question. "Do you serve food here?"
"Heh. Yeah, they got doughnuts over there across the street. Heh. Food. Heh."
So I smiled, said thanks, left and walked about a block and a half, and spent about 25 bucks in a different pub... even though they didn't have food there either. Oh, and I'm a damned good tipper, fuckhead.
People who tell you a story, and space out and get hung up on words that are extremely basic.
"So today I went to the grocery store and my uhhhh... You know, like a uhhh.... small male person... that I gave birth to?"
"Your son?"
"Yeah..." (Story continues for 10 more minutes of grueling verbal doom.).
Very, very low-end stereos, headphones, etc. Seriously, who is this shit for? I'm not saying everyone needs to buy 400 dollar headphones, but what's the point of making three dollar headphones that sound like utter shit? Are homeless people on iTunes now? Seriously, there doesn't really NEED to be consumer goods for EVERY budget. If you want a home theatre system, and you have 40 dollars to spend, then YOU DON'T GET A HOME THEATRE SYSTEM. Sorry. I mean, buy some clothes for your kids or something, shit.
People with amazingly dumb excuses. One of my waiters wears these shirts with arms that are way too short and it makes him look like he has chimp arms because his hands dangle about five inches too low for his sleeves. I said he needed to get some shirts that fit and he retorted, "I just have really long arms." Guess what. THEY MAKE SHIRTS WITH ARMS THAT WILL FIT YOU, DIPSHIT. Men's dress shirts aren't sized as small, medium and large like t-shirts. They are sized by neck circumference and ARM LENGTH. The 16.5 x 30-31 makes you look ridiculous? Well then try the 16.5 x 35-36, dumbass.
Workplace packrats.
Like most people who are employed, I have a workspace that I share with coworkers. I also have a boss who hassles me whenever this workspace becomes cluttered. Also like most workplaces, I have a steady stream of bullshit that flows in. To keep the workplace from becoming cluttered, the bullshit must be sorted into two groups: "I will get in trouble if I don't save this," and "Chuck it." The problem is that there are coworkers, for future reference these will be labeled "retards," who believe there is a third grouping for the bullshit called, "This would be cool to keep."
For example, I work in a dining facility. Often for large parties or groups that want to pick out their own china, we rent equipment. Invariably some of it gets left behind when the rental company comes to pick up. A fork here, a coffee saucer there... It adds up. Every few weeks I look at the growing pile of oddball shit on the shelf and think, "There's no way they're going to come back to pick up a three dollar glass or a twelve dollar plate, and there's no way I would let the waiters set up a place setting with one weird coffee cup," so I immediately eye the garbage can. As I'm throwing away this bullshit, some choad always comes up with a look on their faces as though I'm kicking an Ethiopian child in the face. "WHAT??? YOU'RE JUST GOING TO THROW AWAY A PERFECTLY GOOD PLATE??"
"Well, considering that it's a perfectly good plate that we will never USE, yes I am."
"Don't throw it away. Give it to me."
They take the plate and put it on their desk, where it sits for a couple of weeks... then it reappears on the shelf with the rest of the oddball pile.
The other thing we get a lot of is promotional wampum. We get t-shirts, baseball hats, folders, pens and assorted doo-hickeys of every description from the companies that come in on a daily basis. Today I found a box in the office full of cdroms from the Hanes company. The Hanes meeting was a month ago, but some retard decided to keep a huge box filled with cd's of a business presentation. Why? Because he's an idiot. It's not even like these were cdrw's that could be reused. This guy has over 100 copies of information for which he couldn't possibly have the slightest use. Then he was so kind as to stash it in a corner of the office, so when the boss comes in, there's one more box of bullshit with cd's falling out of it. So I chucked it. What did I find the next day? Someone ELSE had found it in the trash and put it in the office across the hall. Not only that, but as the weeks went by, I found copies of the cd lying around in the cafeteria, our office, another office on another floor, and in one of the locker rooms. What in the living fuck? It's fucking HANES! It's not even like it's a product catalogue. It's a fucking powerpoint presentation full of pie charts and bar graphs. I know because we served lunch while they had their investors' meeting and showed that very presentation.
People who always look the gift horse in the mouth. Yesterday we had a dinner that brought really nice flower centerpieces. There was nothing wrong with them, so we saved them after the dinner.
The next day we had a lunch buffet and they had not ordered any centerpieces, and the 6-foot round tables looked empty and boring, so we brought out the centerpieces and set them on the tables. The coordinator walked in the room, and the first thing he said was, "Oh, I see you gave me last night's old flowers." He had apparently passed by the room the night before and recognized these as the same flowers. Ass. You were going to have NO flowers. Now you have perfectly nice flowers, which of course your guests would never recognize as last night's flowers because none of them were here last night.
The fucked up Gap/Old Navy/Banana Republic thing. I know most of you think this is going to be a rant about boring, nondescript clothing. No. Recently it came to my attention that these three companies are owned by the same umbrella corporation. Their clothes are manufactured in the same factories. Basically, the only defining characteristic is the cost. Banana Republic is the most expensive, Gap is less expensive and Old Navy is the cheapest, even though all three places in essence carry EXACTLY THE SAME PRODUCTS. They are basically their own main competition.
Public restroom animals. We've all seen gross public restrooms. We've all wiped away other people's piss, hovered over filthy seats, tiptoed over puddles of vomit and held our breath to avoid vomiting ourselves. However, there are occasions where someone does something so fucked up and wrong that it totally defies explanation.
The first time I remember being exposed to this in its purest form was when I was in my early 20's. I was married, and my wife worked at Blimpie's. And the jokes fly. Yeah, yeah. Career woman. Ho ho. But back on topic, she was working the closing shift, which was basically 2-10:30. She had one of those managers who basically didn't give a shit about anything except practicing his putt, and he was never actually in the store so I would often stop by to just sit in the restaurant and hang out with her when it got slow. The place was basically completely fucked in terms of staff and management. My wife was usually alone from the time she came in until the time she left, with only an hour of shift overlap from the girl who did the lunch shift. It was one of those dumb locations where it's dead most of the time, so they can't support much staff, which means the few people who do work there are given way too much responsibility and way too much free reign, with the franchise owner / manager taking almost no interest.
One night I came in at about 5, and the dinner rush hit right after I came in, so I just sat at a table and drank Pepsi. I noticed this kid who was about 15 and fat as hell come in. He didn't buy anything, but rather just made a hurried B-line for the restroom.
The dinner rush came and I read the newspaper, waiting for the rush to be over. At about 6:45 the rush tapered off and my wife came over and sat at the table with me. I had forgotten all about the kid, and of course, after an hour and forty five minutes, I just assumed that he was long gone.
But he was not. We heard a door open and close in the back and then saw the fat kid walking quickly out of the store. As he hurried toward the exit, he looked at the floor, intentionally avoiding looking at anyone. I knew right then that something horrible had happened. I got up and walked toward the restroom. Before I even got there, the stink was intense. I opened the door and had to fight to keep from gagging. The shit was everywhere, and I mean everywhere. The toilet was overflowing. It looked like he had used up the entire roll of toilet paper, and had then used paper towels. He had smeared shit all over everything: the floor, the toilet, the sink, and as high as he could reach on the walls. There were wet piles of shit-stained paper towels all over the floor and in the sink. Someone reading this might wonder why I didn't tear out of the store and beat the kid to a pulp, or at least drag him back to the store to have the cops deal with. My only response to this was shock and awe. It was so bad that for a few moments I didn't know what to do other than stand there and stare. The thing that kept me from coming to terms with it was the kid's expression. He wasn't giggling about the amazing prank he had pulled. He was mortified. His expression said, "Oh my god, what have I done?" as though it wasn't something he did for a laugh, or even some perverse kicks, but for a reason much darker.
Yes, the kid had problems, and I know many of you are mistaking my confusion with sympathy. Clinton said that it takes a village to raise a child, and I wish all the villagers would beat whatever was wrong with this fucker out of him with bats.
Idiots who carry paper towels and latex gloves specifically so they can hold onto poles in the subway, because after all, AIDS is instantly absorbed through the skin and paper towels will give you 100% 24/7 protection from all germs. Some of you may have heard of this amazing advancement that has become commercially available in recent years called SOAP. It comes in the form of liquid and bars and when used in conjunction with another substance called "water" it can be used to clean dirt and germs off of hands. Far-fucking-out, huh? Imagine! No more cleaning your hands by putting them in your mouth and sucking them! It's hard to believe, I know, but it's true!
Funny how my life seems to be a long string of dining experiences ruined by idiots. I guess that's to be expected when one has lunch at such classy establishments as Popeye's. I was sitting eating my lunch with my headphones on to drown out the sounds of stupidity when this guy came and slapped his tray down on the table next to mine. I know he slapped it down because I heard it over the deafening roar of my headphones. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that he was hunched over his food like a tyrannosaur tearing at a carcass, and both of his elbows were up and out to the sides to maximize rapid-fire-two-handed-shovel-into-maw effectiveness. Then I saw a glint of white fall from the table. I looked down and saw the lid from his drink sitting on the floor. I thought, "Ah, surely he dropped that by accident. Nobody could be that rude. Any second now he'll look over the side of the table and pick that up. This has to be a mistake. Only some dumb animal would be so base that he would eat in a restaurant and intentionally drop shit all over the floor." Just as I had this thought a napkin floated down to accompany the lid. Instinctively, I turned to see what kind of idiot was next to me. I wish I hadn't, because as my eyes leveled with his face, I saw his wide-open mouth smacking on smashed chicken, and he was manipulating the well-masticated bolus with his tongue so it would fully emerge from his mouth with every bite. Around his mouth were tons of little greasy bits. I was very happy that I couldn't hear him. It reminded me of when Johnny Carson would have a guest from the San Diego Zoo with a lemur that would get food all over its face as it chomped on an overripe chunk of mango. His table manners literally could not have changed in any way since he started eating solid food.
I quickly turned away and tried to erase the image from my mind enough to be able to stomach eating my own food. As I realigned my line of sight with my own now-unappetizing chicken, I was immediately distracted again as he flicked his wrist to toss a mangled chicken bone on the floor. Now I would need to focus, to meditate even, to be able to ignore the caveman next to me and eat my food. I turned up the volume of my headphones and tried to focus on the music. Just as I began to raise some chicken to my mouth, I was once again distracted. I felt a smack on my shoulder. "What the fuck? Did someone just hit my shoulder? Surely nobody could be hitting me on the shoulder. That would be just too absurd." Then as the initial shock was over, and I was en route to the denial "must have been a muscle spasm" phase, there it was again. The monster had just back-hand slapped my shoulder twice to get my attention, and was now alternating between pointing at the salt shaker on my table and making exaggerated salt shaker pantomimes with his hand. I handed him the shaker and as he showered the entire tabletop with salt, I found out that his shaker motion wasn't exaggerated at all. He then smacked the shaker down hard enough to be heard over my headphones, and dug in again.
A few minutes later, he spotted the guy cleaning the dining room and flagged him to come over. The guy shuffled over to the table, and the monster motioned for him to clean up the mess on the floor beneath his table, which had now grown by a few napkins, chicken bones and french fries. The attendant swept the litter into his dustpan and walked off. If he had stayed by the table for about another thirty seconds, he could have cleaned up a few more french fries, which the fucker dropped after the attendant left.
The one good thing about this guy eating like an animal, was that, like a dumb animal, he scarfed down his food as quickly as he could force it down his esophagus. Despite the fact that I was there a few minutes before him, and we both had about the same amount of food, he was done a good five minutes before me, so I had a little peace after he left. He got up and left his tray and mess sitting there on the table, about ten feet from the garbage can. Then he sauntered to the exit.
Then suddenly, he stopped, just as he got to the door. Could there be a shred of humanity or shame gnawing at this creature for leaving his crap for someone else to clean up? He stood for a moment, very apparently struck by some revelation. He made a quick about-face and started walking briskly in a straight line towards the table. For a moment I thought I was witnessing evolution in action; man rising out of the muck and learning to walk tall and proud - doing the right thing simply for the sake of it needing to be done. Surely he was coming back to at least partially redeem himself for being a completely obnoxious animal by picking up his mess. As he neared the table, his arm began to extend, and I could picture in my mind that hand picking up the tray and carrying it off to the garbage can. His hand continued to extend, but now he was bending down at the hips. Is he picking up all the mess he threw on the floor?
He bent down and picked up something unseen, that was propped against the base of the table. As he rose back up, I saw that it was his umbrella. He did not even look at his mess on the table as he made another about-face and walked straight out the door into the gloom. Dogs pay far more attention to the shit they leave behind.
Chatty cab drivers. It's 6am. I don't even want to be awake, and I sure as fuck don't want to talk to you about what happened on The Sopranos last night. Shut the fuck up and drive fast.
People that hand-wash their dishes, and you go to their house and they offer you something to drink, then they dig in their piled up kitchen sink, pull out a glass that's half-coated in dried-on spaghetti sauce and has about an inch of moldy liquid in it, then they pour it out, squirt a little dish soap into it, sort of rinse it off under some water that's cold enough to be comfortable to their hands, then they pour a drink into it and hand it to you, and you can still smell the food on it and see little chunks on it. Yeah, I'm a snob. I'm looking a gift horse in the mouth. Fuck you. Get a damn dishwasher so I don't have to drink out of the AIDS GLASS.
I'm all for creativity, and art without change is boring, but one thing that pisses me off is when a band I like makes a complete U-turn and changes their sound so drastically that fans of their old sound would almost definitely hate their new sound. "On our last album, we were going for sort of an atmospheric ambient electronic thing, but while we were in the tour bus, we listened to a lot of country, metal, rockabilly, and zydeco music, and we all really ended up liking it a lot, so our new album incorporates a lot of those sounds and does away with the whole electronic element that we used to have." Great. You made a completely self-indulgent album of bullshit. You can try to explain it all you want, but all I hear is, "FUCK YOU, FANS!"
People on Myspace that post bulletins with the kind of regularity that most people post blogs (or even more frequently). Look... You have 3857 friends. They don't all need to know that you just painted your fingernails. There's this guy on my friends list that posts an average of four or five bulletins a day. Well... he was on my friends list until just now.
Media websites that simply can't handle the traffic. Why even make the site? Hey look! A 20 second streaming video of some stupid bullshit! Let's check it out! Click........... 30 seconds go by before anything other than the background on the website shows..... 45 more seconds and finally all of the page is visible. Okay. Let's press play. Buffering.... buffering..... buffering.... 60 seconds later the video begins to play. Five seconds of the 20 second video plays, then the video stops...... buffering.... buffering..... buffering.... 20 seconds later, three more seconds of the video plays, then it stops again and begins buffering.... buffering.... buffering... At this point I close the window. Fuck it. Why even fucking bother? I mean, how badly do you think I want to see someone get hit in the balls?
Comedians who are invited to discussion shows like Bill Maher's "Politically Incorrect" and find a way to slip their regular fucking act in. I didn't think it was possible to slip a Jimmy Stewart impression or a Johnny Carson impression into a discussion on the Iraq war or the Virginia Tech shooting, but fucking Dana Carvey found a way, fucking one trick pony retard. I was just waiting for him to bust out a "WELL ISN'T THAT SPECIAL," but I guess that would have been beyond obvious.
On a side note, I like the way he pussied out of every potentially insulting thing he said.
"Do you really think someone with a name like Barack Hussein Obama has a chance, I mean, wow! HAH!"
"I don't think there's really anything wrong with his name."
"You're right. It's a great name, I was just joking."
Products that are seemingly designed to waste themselves. I just bought a can of shaving gel. When you press and release the button as quickly as humanly possible, it will dispense enough gel to probably cover your entire body with foam.
What's with dumbasses, particularly on the internet, who think that periods are just a generic all-purpose end for a sentence. What about question marks. What, are these people fucking retarded.
Comedians who get married and have kids and then 59 minutes and 45 seconds of their hour-long show is about marriage an child rearing.
Christians who get tired of me poking fun at their quaint little belief system who think they can shut me up by demanding that I approach the subject from the standpoint of mutual respect. Like, I have my beliefs and they have theirs, so we should just shake hands and fake a smile for each other as we agree to disagree. Mutual respect? Wait a second. See, my viewpoint is that Christians are naive, illogical and ill-informed, perhaps willfully ignorant. Christians' view of me, and everyone else who is not a Christian, is that we are all going to be destroyed and go to hell and be tortured for eternity in a lake of fire, AND... that this is what we richly deserve. Uhhh... How in the FUCK do you expect me to buy the mutual respect line when one of the cornerstone tenets of your belief system is me deserving death and eternal torture just for my beliefs? See, as abrasive as I might come off, I just think you guys are goofy, not that you should DIE AND BE TORTURED FOREVER. Mutual respect? Blow that shit out your asses, hypocrites. You don't respect shit.
Information websites that launch prior to any actual information being written on them, particularly when excellent sites already exist with very thorough information on the same subject. "Welcome to the Asthma Information Site" Below the title are categories: Causes, Symptoms, Prescription Drugs, Over the Counter Drugs, Home Remedies, Allergies, Breathing Exercises. You click on Symptoms. "Information on Symptoms will go here." You click on Home Remedies. "Submit your Home Remedies Here." You click on Prescription Drugs. "Information on Prescription Drugs will go here." Well what the fuck? WHY DID YOU WASTE MY FUCKING TIME? I don't give a flying fuck if you PLAN on writing a page about asthma, and I REALLY don't give a flying fuck if you're getting good HNML practice by making this page. It's an information page, so where's the fucking information?
Here's a great example. This is a guide to notorious monsters in Final Fantasy Online. There are hundreds of notorious monsters in this game. This page has been around for months. See if you can find a fucking monster in it.
Expansion packs for videogames that are basically a collection of a bunch of small, sloppy maps made of already existing game textures and models with way more and way tougher monsters than you could ever possibly beat without cheating. Oh, sure. A map the size of a tennis court with 18 Cyberdemons on it and no cover and no health, weapon or ammo pickups and I'm armed only with the chainsaw. Sure. No problem. This should be fun.
Whenever I go to a deli and order a sandwich, I always ask for "a little mayo." I usually reemphasize this by reiterating, "Just a little bit." Why then do these guys always give me enough mayo to drown a rhino? I mean, maybe I'm way off base, but I thought the purpose of mayonnaise was to give a sandwich a little flavor and moisture, not lubricate the sandwich so I don't need to chew it. Here's a tip. If you work in a deli, and someone asks you for a little mayo, the amount you should use is somewhere between none at all and enough that the bread is kind of floating on it and when the guy takes a bite it squeezes out of the sandwich from all sides onto the floor causing him to slip and break his tailbone - usually on the lower end of that scale.
The hype about the Apple iPhone. Whoopity shit. It's a (gasp) PHONE that you can use to access the INTERNET and it can play MP3s. Holy fuck. I mean wow, really. I mean, you're taking an existing device... a phone... and adding to it the internet... which 99% of existing cell phones can access anyway... and adding an mp3 player... which is also something that many phones have already. OH! BUT IT'S APPLE! I almost forgot. This is the company that still has ads saying how "Wow! I can use my Mac to edit video and images, and use email and update my webpage and use instant messaging programs ON THE INTERNET... even on broadband. FUCKING INNOVATION! HOLY SHIT!" Like every PC on the planet hasn't been able to do all of the above for years, plus play the latest and best games. I watched a thing on TV where the Japanese were laughing at the iPhone. Why? It seems like they'd be really interested in new technology, being such a techy people and all. Well, gee. It turns out that this amazing new iPhone, which hasn't come out yet is years behind existing Japanese cell phones, which they use to shoot and transmit streaming video, carry and edit documents, watch shows on broadband on a wide screen and even SWIPE TO BUY A NEWSPAPER OR ENTER THE SUBWAY. I mean... seriously, Apple, don't you have any friends over there who could maybe, like, let you check out their cell phone for a second and write down some notes on things to put in your AMAZINGLY INNOVATIVE iPhone?
I truly don't mean to harp on Apple just because they're Apple, and don't want to give anyone the impression that I've singled them out unfairly. They're just an easy target because they keep releasing products which are just existing products repackaged in a sleek case and then touted as amazing new innovations, and I'm fucking bored with it. It's like copy-pasting from Wikipedia and turning it in as your thesis. THEY DON'T THINK UP NEW IDEAS. They copy existing ideas and then use their little worshipping zombie fanboys as a market base. Every single one of those screaming doofuses at that "press conference" is someone who would buy the iPhone regardless of its features, regardless of its reviews, and regardless of its cost, just because Apple made it. If Steve Jobs stood on that stage, and said, "I give you.... THE IPHONE!" and then gestured to a curtain, which opened to reveal a marble pedestal with a pile of cow shit on the top with flies buzzing around it, all those idiots would have screamed just as loudly. "ALL PRAISE BE TO EMPEROR JOBS! ALL HAIL! IPHONE WILL SHOW US THE WAY!" Fuck you. How about doing something really innovative like making an iPod that doesn't look like a scratched up piece of shit after a couple of days of normal use?
Meanwhile, the resident Mac-head at my job came to me the other day with a million questions about Windows XP because he can't get it to work right on his Mac. He's running Windows XP.... ON A MAC. He bought a Mac... and two weeks later he's asking me WINDOWS QUESTIONS. If you want to run an IBM-PC-based operating system, JUST RUN IT ON A FUCKING PC, IDIOT.
Remember Sneaker Pimps? If you do, the first thing that probably comes to mind is the sexy-as-fuck voice of Kelli Ali. Remember anything more recent by Sneaker Pimps than "Spin Spin Sugar" or "6 Underground"? Why would you? Of course you don't, because that's what happens when a marginally interesting band fires their far more interesting lead singer. Sneaker Pimps are still somewhat around, by the way, not that I would recommend buying any of the rubber-stamp boring crap that they've put out more recently. They released two albums since Ali left, and they both flopped. Their most recent album, SP4, was recorded in 2003 and their record label rejected it. OOPS. Happy 2007. Of course, all the little die hard fan boys try to convince themselves and each other that Ali, who was in essence a hired gun, was an unneeded element in the band, despite watching the complete lack of success the band has had since firing her. If you read the comments on every one of their post-Ali videos on YouTube, someone always says something along the lines of, "What is this dog shit? What happened to the girl singer?" and 100 fans lose their minds attacking them and giving them history lessons about the band, saying who wrote what, and blah blah blah. If people want to hear "the girl singer," and the band was most successful and notable WITH "the girl singer," who's right, fanboys or the general public? I thought Kelli Ali fell off the face of the earth until recently when I kind of tripped over one of her CD's. I bought a couple of them and have to say that the second one is easily as good as anything Sneaker Pimps ever put out with or without her (the first one was a bit too poppy for my taste). Sure, the lyrics might be a little trite, but could anything be more trite than "Spin spin sugar?"
People who come to my apartment, and know that my neighbor will bitch if there's noise, and don't try to keep it down at all. I recently had some houseguests. One of them has the habit of pacing. She walks to the kitchen, then to the bathroom, then to the living room, then to the kitchen, then to the bedroom, then to the kitchen, then to the living room, then to the bathroom, and on and on and on, flat-footed, so every step is like PLOD, PLOD, PLOD. This goes on for hours until late at night. The morning after the first night, my neighbor went apeshit, saying it sounded like 10 people were stomping around the apartment all night. My guest was present for his tantrum. Guess what happened the second night, and the third night, and the fourth night.... PLOD, PLOD, PLOD.
Christmas Porn. You know, when I'm watching Lily Thai sucking a dick, I mean, that's great and all, but you know what would make it even better? A SANTA HAT. Fuck yeah.
Retarded Christians who say this phrase: "I think it takes a much greater leap of faith to believe in Darwinian evolution than it does to believe God created everything." Let me translate this into what it really means. "I am completely clueless and think that natural selection is a totally random process, when it is in fact completely non-random, and I don't want my faith shaken up so I'm not going to put any effort into understanding it, either that or I understand it perfectly, but am going to deny that it's feasible because I don't want to make God angry at me, plus, how are we going to get prayer and creationism in school if we admit to the feasibility of Darwinian evolution? Darwinian evolution is just crazy talk. It's so much more rational to believe that an invisible, all-knowing, all-powerful being just willed the universe and all living things into existence, and of course, decided on earth as the place he would put every living thing in the universe, and that he created man in his own image, specifically for the purpose of kissing his ass. That's right, an ass-kissing species. See, did Darwin think that far ahead, to a species whose sole function in the universe is worshipping him and doing as they're told? I don't think so!"
People who constantly change their screen names and use multiple IM programs and address you casually like you're going to magically know who the fuck it is.
Feb. 20 on AIM: Slapper420: "YO, dude!"
Mar. 10 on Yahoo: Darkesthour: "Hey, Neg!"
Apr 11 on MSN: Rick967: "Sup"
May 22 on AIM: Turtle0_o: "How's it going?"
June 15 on MSN: Stank278: "Sup, Neg"
... and it's ALL THE SAME PERSON.
What can I possibly add to this?
i
See... The gorilla is farting, and you must press the fart button.... yes, the FART BUTTON, to out-fart the gorilla.... or he will defeat you... in a competition of farting. Not only that, but according to the animation, the gorilla's farts have the power to KILL you. However, if perchance you have the skills needed to smash your mouse button quickly on the fart button, you will be victorious in out-farting the gorilla, which supposedly is a great accomplishment, because when I think gorillas, I think farting contests. If you win, you will be taken to some spam site, where you will give them all the information needed to fill your email inbox with a thousand junkmails a day for everything from debt solutions to F-ar-M_T.eE''nZ until you die, and most likely have your computer infected with all nature of spyware, and maybe, just maybe, if you fully perform the "Required participation," you might be blessed with a cell phone ringtone... and I'm sure we all know how extremely fucking valuable those are.
"Sensitive" electronic devices. For instance, the metal detector at my work will go off if you are carrying a knife or gun... or have some change in your pocket... or a cell phone... or keys... or if you accidentally brush against the sides... or if the elevator across the hall opens... or if someone opens the door and the wind blows through. Of course, when these things happen, the security guy says, "Sorry, it's just sensitive." NO. "Sensitive" is not the correct word. You shouldn't need to empty everything out of your fucking pockets and put them in the little bin because if it was actually sensitive, someone would walk through with a gun and the thing would say, "Warning! This person is carrying a 9 millimeter semi-automatic pistol in a holster under his left arm. This weapon is loaded with eight rounds." Going off when my coat, which has no metal on it whatsoever, brushes against it doesn't make it "sensitive," it makes it retarded.
Christian YTMND's. YTMND is a great site comprised entirely of user created pages. Generally they're just a sound and maybe some text over a picture, animated gif or short video, and are usually humorous or witty. Then there are the Christian YTMND's, which are never humorous or witty. Like I'll be surfing and laughing my ass off at the likes of Brian Peppers, lol internet, Conan makes popcorn, Batman: ualuealuealeuale, and Chunk is Indestructible, and then I come across some sort of "WOW! Jesus sure is great!" *crickets*..... Seriously, do you assholes have to infect and ruin everything? I mean, I think it's fairly obvious that if I'm laughing my ass off at "Nigga stole my bike," I'm not really soul searching, and I definitely am not looking to be converted to fucking Christianity. Get that? NOT EVERYWHERE IS A MARKET FOR YOU TO PEDDLE YOUR SILLY DEAD GUY ON A STICK. FUCK OFF.
Apple does it once again. On Oct. 18, 2006 Apple announced that it accidentally shipped many of its new video iPods with a virus that affects computers running Microsoft Windows. The virus, of course, does not affect Macs. Like complete assholes, on the official Apple website, they said, "As you might imagine, we are upset at Windows for not being more hardy against such viruses." What the fuck is that shit? You GAVE them the fucking virus, and then you turn around and use it as a point of attack against Windows? Viruses don't just randomly APPEAR out of nowhere, someone has to design them. If there are virii on your hardware that you are distributing to customers, it is YOUR fault for either not realizing it's there, or having one of your box-frame glasses flannel shirt retard minions put it there as a "wouldn't it be hilarious if" move. It's like sucker-punching someone in the face and saying, "Damn! How could you just get a bloody nose like that? You're bleeding everywhere. What a pussy."
People who say really open-ended broad things like, "I really don't like music." What? How? I could understand that statement if you inserted any genre before "music," but saying you hate music IN GENERAL is just fucked up and inhuman.
Commercials for those stupid gadgets designed to "make life easier" that feature actors pretending that living without these retarded wampum devices is HORRIBLE. Like, on a commercial for some mattress or pillow, in the "old way" clip they show two people in bed with pained expressions tossing and turning and practically breakdancing in bed because OH MY GOD! THIS REGULAR SPRING MATRESS IS LIKE A TORTURE CHAMBER! I WRITHE IN AGONY INSTEAD OF SLEEPING! Then they cut to people sleeping on the ULTRA-WONDERSLEEP 5000 Mattress, and the people are dead asleep without even any sheets over them and they have huge shit-eating smiles on their faces EVEN IN THEIR SLEEP. Then they cut back to the "old way" people. In the morning they look dead tired and even hung-over and as they are getting out of bed they grab their backs in terrible pain as though they had just been stabbed with a searing hot dagger. Cut back to the ULTRA-WONDERSLEEP 5000 couple, and they are still smiling in their sleep. As the glowing beams of sunshine flow into the bedroom, they open their eyes, wide and alert, still smiling, and STILL IN MAKEUP WITH NEATLY STYLED HAIR, as a cartoon bluebird lands on the woman's finger and sings a delightful good morning tune.
In another ad for some sort of grabby pick-em-up claw thing, they show someone using the stupid thing to pick up a pair of socks off the floor without bending down. Then, in black and white (to mean the person is performing the task in the crazy, old-timey way), the person bends over to pick up the sock, and THERE IT IS AGAIN! ARRRRGGGG THAT DAGGER! OW!!!! PEOPLE WHO ARE GIVING BIRTH DON'T MAKE THIS KIND OF PAINED EXPRESSION! OH THE AGONY OF BENDING OVER AND PICKING UP SOCKS OFF THE FLOOR! OH THE HUMANITY! I WISH I HAD SOME SORT OF WEIRD CLAW THING THAT SELLS FOR $19.99, AND IF I ORDER RIGHT NOW THEY WILL GIVE ME TWO, THAT'S RIGHT, TWO GRABB'EM CLAWS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE! A 500 DOLLAR VALUE!
That fucking horrible new t-shirt smell. I love the way a brand new t-shirt looks, and maybe would like to fucking wear it before I wash it, but I can't, because it stinks so much that when I'm wearing it in the middle of a Chinatown open-air fish market on garbage day in July, all I can smell is fucking new shirt chemicals. Here's a concept: whatever it is that you're putting on new t-shirts to make them stink like industrial ammoniated floor cleaner.... DON'T.
Barbers who think I want a fucking comb-over and don't fucking listen. I have a receding hairline. Who gives a shit? There are more important things in the universe than how many hairs per square inch are on the top of my head. I go to the barber and tell him to cut everything short. He cuts the back and sides short and leaves the top three inches long. "Cut that short too." He cuts approximately two millimeters off the top. "No, cut it short. Like half that length." He cuts off another two millimeters. It makes me want to yank the scissors out of his hand, chop a big chunk out of my own hair and tell him to even it out.
Finally he tells me, "I thought maybe because you're losing your hair you would want me to leave it sort of long on top to, you know, cover up. Like this." He points out his own comb-over which looks absolutely fucking ridiculous.
"No, that's not for me. Just cut it short." He shrugs and finally cuts it the way I ask with a look of reluctance on his face that looked like the one my barber had around 1988 when I wanted him to cut it all punk rock; the look of, "I really don't want to fuck up your hair, but you're forcing me."
What's stupid is that every time I go to a male barber I have to push him to actually do what I say. Women hair stylists on the other hand almost always get it right on the first try, which I attribute to two things: women listen, and they know that comb-overs look like pathetic dogshit.
Assholes who have an excuse for everything. At my last job I went to the staff cafeteria and got a turkey burger. I took it back up to my office, sat down, and took a bite. The thing was not only raw, but was still frozen in the middle. I called the chef and explained. Before I could even finish what I was saying he interrupts me with, "Ehh, don't worry, it's pasteurized." BULLSHIT, ASSHOLE. Yes, I was still concerned about getting sick, but that's just the beginning. I had a half hour to eat. I spent 15 minutes going to get the burger and bring it back. Now, not only would I not want something from the cafeteria for fear of other disgusting shit, but I didn't have time to get something else for lunch at all. I'm going hungry because you're an asshole who spends his day making excuses instead of good food.
Book reviews about atheist writers that approach the content from the standpoint of, "Can you believe this guy? He doesn't EVEN believe that Jesus is the son of God. Man! What's this guy been smoking?" Newsflash, dipshits. Not everyone has the same worldview as you, and basing a REVIEW on how the writer's opinions differ from your own just makes you look stupid. Way to be objective, dipshit.
Businesses that try to rip you off with additional fees and bullshit thinking you aren't paying attention.
I called Dominos Pizza the other day. Okay, yes, I know they have shitty pizza, especially by New York standards, but Dominos delivers pizza for free and I didn't feel like interrupting my video game to go out in search of food. Here's a basic run-down of the conversation.
"Hello, Dominos. Would you like to hear our specials?"
"Yes."
The guy rattles off five or six retarded combos, most of which include multiple large pies with retarded promotional toppings, chicken wings, bread sticks, two liter bottles of Coke and other assorted bullshit. Nothing one person could eat and nothing under 15 bucks.
"How much would it be for just one medium pizza with one topping?"
"$10.25."
"Okay, I'd like a medium pepperoni pizza."
....Long pause.....
"Okay, with the tax and everything that comes out to $14.95. It should get to you in about 45 minutes."
He sounds like he's trying to hurry and hang up, so I catch him. "WHOAH! Wait! How is it $14.95?"
"Well, with the tax and everything."
"Tax is 8.75%. It's the 'and everything' that bothers me. And then I have to tip the driver on top of that?"
"Well that's what it comes out to."
"So you think I'm going to pay 40-something percent sales tax? You know what? Forget it. Cancel my order. That's too much."
Before I can hang up, he catches me. "Sir, hang on..... Okay, I can give it to you for $11.15."
So just like magic, the price just took a dive back down to what it should have been in the first place. Fearing that at this point they would be annoyed enough to put their balls on my pizza, or that somehow the ripoff price would find its way back onto my ticket, I decided the decline the new price. Instead I called the Philly Cheesesteak place a few blocks away that delivers, and it was cheaper, faster, and awesome by comparison to Domino's Pizza.
Now, I'm not necessarily saying Domino's has a policy of ripping off customers. It could have just been an employee pocketing money, but the point is that I probably won't be ordering from them again. They definitely don't have a leg to stand on in the "quality product" department, and delivery is always slow as fuck. Add the sketchy ripoff crap and they win the Trifecta of Shittiness. All anyone is looking for in a pizza place is decent taste and fast delivery at a fair price, so since they offer none of the above, fuck Domino's Pizza.
CGI that still looks like CGI. If i'm watching a movie, I should no longer be able to tell that you did the effects with a computer. It should just look awesome, and not the least bit cartoonish. It's past the point where people think, "Wow! Computers."
Christian logic:
Billboards in many cities in areas with heavy traffic, visible 24 hours a day, and seen by people of all ages, displaying dismembered aborted human fetuses in a pool of blood: A perfectly acceptable, and legally protected exercise of freedom of speech that is effective for rallying people to the anti-abortion political cause.
Janet Jackson's tit on TV for a fraction of a second: Horrifying. Disgraceful. A clear testament to the depravity of American society, and worthy of severe punishment, and sweeping increases in censorship of all media
Companies that stop producing their best products and instead go on to make sub-functional bullshit that nobody gives a shit about.
That bullshit that our parents fed us for our entire childhoods about TV ruining our eyes. I'm 33. My generation has watched more TV than any other generation. As a kid I was a complete TV junkie. As an adult I am either watching DVD's on my 62 inch TV or staring at a computer screen during most of my free time. So... Why the fuck is my vision perfect? A whole generation of people glued to the TV... and where are all the class-action lawsuits from blind people vs. Zenith? It's the same as all those asshole parents who told their kids that whacking off will make you go blind. Seriously, fuckers, is that your solution to everything? Every time Little Bobby is developing a behavior pattern that you find objectionable, "Bobby, you'd better stop leaving your socks on the floor... Uhhh... OR YOU'LL GO BLIND." What sadistic fucks you all were. Don't worry, we'll pay you back when it's time to put you in a home.
Contrived marketing buzz-words that are made to sound as though they are actual features. For example: Retsyn. The people who make Certs want you to think that there is some special beneficial chemical in their mints, so they say "Certs... With Retsyn." Know what Retsyn is? It's fucking mint flavoring, just like every other breath mint has. Know what else Retsyn is? Some fucking imaginary word that Certs made up. This isn't like saying a car comes with anti-lock brakes, but they make it out as if it is.
This morning I was burning a DVD and looked at the package. below the Sony logo was another logo that said "AccuCORE." Oh boy, oh boy! I sure am glad I got Sony DVDR's. I wouldn't want to waste my money on discs without AccuCORE, because you need that.
That's what I need more of in my life, MADE UP BULLSHIT.
Coworkers that you work with for a year who have no clue what you do.
Coworkers that you work with for a year and you have no clue what they do because they're lazy sacks of shit with no apparent function
Dialup. Seriously. Isn't it time to phase this shit out? What could be the argument in favor of a type of internet connection that is slow as fuck - too slow to view most webpages at a comfortable speed, drops all the time, gets busy signals and costs at least 25% as much as networks that are hundreds of times as fast? It's seriously annoying at this point when I tell someone to check something out on YouTube or something and they reply, "Sorry, I'm on Dialup. It would take forever." At this point it sounds like someone saying they don't really understand the point of automobiles and moving picture shows. Dialup can be seen as little more than the stumbling first steps of the internet. It hasn't improved in any apparent way over how it was five years ago. Put the fucking past in the past.
Disagree? Saying "No" is sufficient. This "Nonononononononono" shit can eat my ass. The only reason you're doing that shit is to make annoying noise until people shut up and listen to you. You may as well stick a cork in it because there's no way I'm going to submit and shut up for some moron making an idiotic repetitive noise.
Women who act like they don't get what guys see in younger women, and sometimes even get bitchy about it or act offended by it. Like if a 35 year old guy is dating a 24 year old woman they say, "What are you getting out of that?"
"Oh, gee. What am I getting out of it? Hmmmm. Well there's the fact that she's vivacious and unjaded, energetic, has wonderful smooth, supple skin and perky tits, a tight little ass, has much higher metabolism than you and can eat burgers and pizza and still weigh 120 pounds without really exercising, enjoys going out and staying up late instead of whining about her bad knee, isn't itching to get married, settle down and have children before her fast-approaching 40th birthday, is less apt to think of a boyfriend as a provider before thinking of him as a lover, is unburdened by a long history of breakups and maybe a divorce or two, no kids, no postpartum stretch marks, no ex-husbands, no urgency, no desperation... I don't know, you tell me, what edge could younger women possibly have over you?
Yeah, sure. Men are all superficial assholes. That's why every personal ad ever posted by a woman has one of the following phrases to describe what she's looking for: successful, professional, financially stable, has goals, likes to travel, enjoys fine dining, and other assorted things that imply that she just wants someone who can buy her stuff.
Dry cleaners that staple tags to your clothes. I think one of the most basic keys to being successful in any business is understanding why your industry exists. The dry cleaning industry exists because people want to take good care of their delicate clothes, which would be damaged if they just washed them in a regular washing machine. So they pay a lot more and turn to a professional to use his training and facilities to care for their valuable clothes... AND THEN HE PUNCHES A FUCKING STAPLE THROUGH EVERY ARTICLE OF CLOTHING.
Dumb celebrities that write books.
Do you really think I give a shit about what's on Paris Hilton's mind? Maybe Denzel Washington's? Britney Spears? Mike Foley? Eminem? I'll give you one guess. Here's a hint: First Letter is F, and it ends in uck no.
Fullscreen TV. Seriously, considering that almost every new TV and computer monitor purchased is fucking widescreen, why the fuck hasn't the broadcast media updated their format to what all their customers are using?
Dumb missed business opportunities. In the 90's, at the height of the era of raves and techno music, there was one electronic musical instrument in particular that EVERY techno producer wanted, the Roland TB-303. The sound of it is instantly recognizable. Whenever you hear that characteristic barrage of twerpy farty bass patterns being tweaked and twisted, you knew this little silver box, about the size of a cigar box, was behind it.
The problem with this little fart box was that it was only made for a couple of years, about 7-10 years prior to its rise to fame. Initially it was introduced as a sort of equivalent to a drum machine, except to replace a bass player instead of a drummer. Of course, it sounds nothing like a bass guitar at all, and was scoffed at by artists at the time.
Because it was from the early 80's, much of its design was goofy. It had a step-based sequencer that was so convoluted that it was practically impossible to do anything intentional with it. You basically try to make a tune and fail until one of your mistakes actually sounds interesting. It also had no way to save sounds, and had a sequencer that was backed up by C-cell batteries, and when they died, so did all your hard work unless you had the unit plugged into a wall wart. It also had no midi interface, so synching it to modern gear required a lot of jimmying or perhaps a midi to din-sync box that a couple of small companies made. It was also only monophonic, though many users like this, meaning that it can only play one tone at a time, making chords impossible.
Despite its faults and inarguably limited usefulness, people just couldn't get enough of that sound, and the rare TB-303's would fetch well over 1000 bucks in online auctions. There were even companies that would charge a fee to modify your 303 to expand its functionality or make it fartier and more distorted. Suffice to say, there was definitely a marketing opportunity.
People petitioned Roland with hopes that they would reissue the machine. The architecture of it was very simple, and rereleasing it should have been a no brainer. In fact there was a handful of small companies that made fairly impressive clones of the 303 in both hardware and software forms, but nonetheless, people still wanted the Real McCoy. All Roland had to do was reissue the TB-303, maybe embellish its original analogue design with a couple of modern digital bells and whistles like midi and more advanced memory storage, and they would have had hordes of buyers lined up outside of every music store in the US and UK early in the morning to get their greedy fingers on their very own brand new TB-303 mark II. Imagine that, Roland. Tons of buyers TELLING you what they want, begging you. No market research, no focus groups, not even a huge design team designing a totally new product from the ground up and hoping it sells. What should you do, Roland? Think for five seconds. Each unit will cost you a few bucks to crank out, and buyers are willing to throw 1000 bucks at you, maybe more if the added features are what people want. Imagine, a TB-303 with built in distortion, maybe a couple of new oscillators, an audio-in to run external audio through those blorpy filters. These would all be fairly easy to accomplish, and indeed the company Novation put them in their own 303 clone.
Then one day after years of begging and petitions, the news came. Roland announced that they were releasing the MC-303. It even looked like a sleek modern version of the magic silver box, right down to the tweaky knobs. Everyone was ecstatic. Finally Roland had heard our pleas. As the release drew nearer, hope started to wane a bit, as it started to look like Roland had missed the point. The new MC-303 was more of a workstation, able to play multi-track sequences, drum rhythms, and seemed basically geared towards being an all-in-one machine capable of making entire techno songs. This raised a lot of eyebrows.
Then came the day of the release and all the techno-heads went to the music stores to try it out. BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM...WAAAAAA (Price is Right "You Lose" song). It sounded like shit. They had completely missed the point. All we wanted was a farty, tweakable analogue synthesizer. What they gave us wasn't even a synthesizer at all. All of its sounds were SAMPLES. Practically every jackass making techno music in the 90's had a sampler, and was very capable of doing pretty much the same thing the MC-303 could do, sequence samples of techno type sounds into songs. We wanted the Bassline. We got a tinny sounding box of shit that failed to deliver something so amazingly simple that it was successfully delivered ten years earlier by accident. People wanted the SOUND, not just some silver box with the number 303 slapped on it. Essentially, the TB-303 is an instrument that is loved because it sounds bad, and Roland couldn't even make an instrument that sounds bad right.
Since then, Roland has had a consistent track record of fucking up their remakes of other great 80's analogue gear and staples of techno/electronic music such as the Juno 106 (remake), SH-101(remake), MC-202 (remake), TR-808 (remake), TR-909 (remake), TR-606 (remake), and TR-505 (remake) (Kinda hard to say they messed up the 505, since the original and new 505's are both shit.). They even went so far as to make a modern day 404 to make it seem like a remake of some classic, although no vintage 404 model ever existed previously. Here's a tip, Roland. You made your new "Juno" synth LOOK like a Juno 106. Nobody listening to a CD gives a flying fuck what an instrument LOOKS like. If the only similarity between your new synth and your old synth is cosmetic, fucking call it something else, because anyone shopping for a Juno isn't interested in an all-in-one midi workstation. They just want a fat analogue synth. Get a fucking clue.
Electric razors. Seriously, these overpriced pieces of shit should be fucking scrapped until Norelco or Gillette can figure out how to make a product that actually exceeds the efficiency, comfort and effectiveness of a two dollar Bic disposable razor. You spend a hundred bucks or whatever, and the result is a shave that constantly pinches, leaves stubble and tears your neck into hamburger meat. None of them will shave you as smooth as even the cheapest blade and they fucking HURT. Call me demanding, but pain factor shouldn't even be something to consider when weighing your shaving options. Electric razors have been around for over seventy five years. Figure out how to do it right or just fucking stop making them.
Employees who don't tell anyone when their equipment is in need of service until it completely dies.
"You guys have a breakfast for fifty people that starts in ten minutes! Where's the coffee?"
"The machine is broken."
"But we have four machines."
"Yeah, well, we've only been using one for the past month because the other three are broken, and that one just died this morning."
"Why didn't anyone tell me the others were broken? I could have had them fixed."
*lazy shrug of "don't know and don't give a shit"*
Women who think the only way to be be taken seriously in the professional world is to be a heinous, insufferable superbitch.
I think most people who read this page can figure out one of the things that pisses me off the most: People who, when faced with a scenario for which there is truly only one obvious solution, instead of moving into action stand there glassy-eyed with their mouths dangling open. Like if you're at a restaurant that sells only hotdogs and medium cokes, you don't ponder over your choices, you don't ask the guy at the counter a million questions, you tell him how many, slap your money down and go about your fucking day so the line can keep moving.
Today on the commute home, there was a delay on the 7 train. It was rush hour and the train was packed. It was sitting in Grand Central Station with the doors open for a long time. Often, delays last a few minutes and then the doors close and the train simply continues on its route, so I sat and waited and listened to my headphones. After about half an hour, the announcer came on the loudspeaker. "Attention passengers! Due to a fire and smoke condition on the track ahead, there will be NO 7 TRAIN SERVICE. For service to Queens, please catch the 4 or 5 train upstairs, take it to 59th street, and catch the R, N or W train. Once again, there is NO 7 TRAIN SERVICE TO QUEENS!"
Before he could even begin the sentence about alternate routes, I was out of my seat and pointed towards the door. The announcement came and went, and there we all stood. A few people were exiting the train, but the majority were just standing around like pea-brained cows who didn't understand that it was time to get out of the cattle car, and with nobody around with a cattle prod, they just stood there like idiots. I don't react well to these situations, particularly in packed subways where I'm stifled by people leaning on me from every direction. The door was only about six feet away, but the way out was very effectively plugged by a mass of bodies. After about fifteen seconds of people standing there looking dumb and watching people try to push through the mass of dipshits who seemed intent on staying, and me saying "excuse me" to the unresponsive dipshits repeatedly, I had reached my limit. At these times my mouth starts blurting things out. "GET OUT OF THE DOOR!"
This fifty-something bitch whose bloated ass was a considerable contributor to the blockage tried to shut me up by using the angry mom voice. "JUST... JUST WAIT, OKAY!"
"Wait for what? For you to stop being stupid? I spent the last thirty minutes waiting. You're eventually going to get out, so just get out! Why wait?"
She made some dumb stammering noise as the plug of people finally started to waddle out the door.
Ridiculous over the top digital photo editing. Seriously, some of you idiots need to learn where to draw the line before it looks like fucking anime. The point of using Photoshop to edit porn, or any modeling photography is to get rid of a zit here and a wrinkle there, not to make cosmetic surgery completely obsolete. Look. If I can tell exactly what size brush you used in Photoshop, you did it wrong. If you have a girl in a dimly lit room, her eyes and teeth should not be glowing snow white. Light won't always make perfect circles of glow on a girl's tits or ass cheeks. No, nobody has natural deep ultramarine eyes.
More on this, there are very few things that are more pathetic than Photoshopped fake naked celebrity pictures. I mean, seriously, there are very few things in the world that demonstrate having way too much time on your hands than a really weird looking picture of Lindsey Lohan's too-big head pasted onto a picture of Briana Banks spreading her pussy. The only thing that's worse than that is when they take a real picture of a celebrity in her red carpet best, and they use the eye-dropper tool to get a flesh-tone color, then use that color to cover up her dress with fucked up looking cartoon boobs. Here's a pro tip. There's more to nipples than "tan circle with a slightly darker circle in the middle of it," and making everything fuzzy and airbrush-looking does not add realism.
I was having dinner with a few people from work and we got on the topic of dating and marriage. Normally I hate those conversations, as they are usually dominated by one of two simple minded extremes, exemplified by the songs "Stand By Your Man" and "What Have You Done For Me Lately," but for the most part, the people seemed to be fairly level headed. We talked about what is needed to maintain healthy relationships, trust, forgiveness, realistic expectations, how to keep the spark flickering, etc. Then this one guy who had yet to interject into the conversation said one of the dumbest things I have ever heard come out of a human mouth. It was something along the lines of, "Yeah... It's hard sometimes for a man to trust a woman, because we all know it was a woman that got us expelled from the Garden of Eden. We even gave them a rib, and then, because of their actions, we lost our paradise. Every man has to deal with that." Believe me, I can't write shit that hilarious. This all came pouring out of the mind of this rambling dipshit. Oh, and I'd just like to clarify that we were NOT drinking. That dumbass remark completely obliterated the conversation. After that all the things we talked about seemed stilted and unnatural, like we were forcing conversation on ourselves just to get through the rest of the meal. It's the kind of thing you can't readily bounce back from. Like if someone you're dating tells you that they've met someone new and the sex is awesome and that they can't stand being around you anymore, and then five minutes later, "So how was work?"
I was in a pet store buying some cat food and I was behind this lady who looked like she was in her sixties. She said to the clerk in a farout new-agey tone, "Did you change something? It FEELS better in here."
The clerk politely humored her, "Uhhh, we have a new manager and we rearranged a few things."
Apparently his chakra wasn't tingling as much as hers, so she reemphasized, "But it FEELS better, you know? It FEELS better."
He shrugged. She said it again, making hard eye contact, apparently amazed that he wasn't aware of the spectacular aura shift that was blowing her mind.
Idiots who act like they can't get going in the morning without their DECAFFEINATED COFFEE. Why do people drink coffee in the morning? Because the caffeine wakes them up. You KNOW you aren't getting any caffeine, so there's not even a psychosomatic placebo effect going on here.
If an eight year old child with burns on his hands and whip welts on his back in a sweatshop in India uses a machine to crank out a thousand little silver teapots a day, we call it tableware.
If a guy wearing Kenneth Cole sits in his expensive Lower Manhattan co-op sipping chianti while hammering a piece of silver into a single little teapot of the exact same dimensions, we call it art
Meetings or other events where they give you a gift bag of cheap bullshit. Oh, good! A gift bag! Let's see what we have here... There's a pen that barely even writes and has enough ink to almost finish writing down someone's phone number, a notepad with one, two, three, doot-dee-dooooo uhhh, fifteen pages, a tiny tin of hideous tasting breathmints, some advertisements, a company logo refrigerator magnet that is barely even magnetic enough to hold up its own weight, some other advertisements, a business card, and uhhhh..... Yep... That's it. You know what? Just don't. I don't want this "gift."
Idiots who don't understand how lines work. Last night I was at the customer service counter at a clothing store. I was the first person in line waiting for a long fucking time as the cashier got all chatty with a customer. This lady approached the counter from the side and as soon as the other customer was finished, she blurted out, "I'm here to pick up some purses'" and slapped a receipt on the counter. The lady at the counter then looked at me and I said, "I'm here to pick up a couple of suits," and she reached out her hand and I handed her my receipt. The lady then made this "Guh...Tsss.... Pfff" sort of "what the fuck" insulted pissed off sound. YOU CUT IN LINE, CUNT! That doesn't make you next. I was actually impressed that the cashier didn't just do what this dumb bitch wanted.
People who think that because they are (insert race or national origin) they are inherently a naturally good (insert: lover, musician, comedian, artist, etc.).
Involuntary recycling programs. Look, if you want to spend more energy than is saved by recycling paper, plastic and aluminum, three substances that are not what any sane human would think of as valuable or rare, then by all means, be a deluded hippy and put a gold star on your chart. But when I don't give a shit, and I don't, and you self righteously mandate that I buy garbage bags in fifteen different colors and have an entire wall of my already cramped kitchen occupied by a giant row of garbage cans, and FINE me when I sort the garbage wrong, then you can go fuck yourselves. I'm a single male. I'm lucky if I remember to take ONE garbage can out, and now you want me to take out four? To add to the absurd inefficiency of recycling, the city pays someone to go around with the garbage truck, and if you put some plastic bottles in with the regular trash, they will dig through the bag and try to find a piece of mail with your name and address on it so they can nail the evil-doer with a ticket. This is just another pretentious attempt at feeling like human beings aren't the resource depleting pigs that they are. Want cleaner air, water and soil? Want enough trees, fuel, metal and minerals to last forever? I know the only solution, and it's not a candy-ass mandatory recycling program. NO MORE HUMANS EVER. Face it. It's the only way. People mandating recycling as though it will fix anything is like a "Save the Earth" sticker on a Hummer.
Interviewers who think an interview is about them being a star. Shut up if you're not going to do your job. At best your purpose is only to keep the pace of the interview and keep the topic relevant. The most you could possibly do is steer the interviewee towards topics that are interesting without flinging his lapel mic at you, saying "fuck this," and storming out. This is the core thing for you to keep in mind as an interviewer: YOU ARE LITTLE MORE THAN AN ELABORATE MICROPHONE STAND, and nobody who is watching the interview is watching it because they think you are interesting.
Managers that conduct meetings that seem to serve no purpose other than to give them an opportunity to hear their own voices and feel important. I just attended a 20 minute meeting with about 30 people in attendance. We were told that this meeting was very important and that attendance was mandatory. Here's a basic summary of the meeting:
-You guys are doing a good job.
-You could be doing a better job.
-Your manager's job is to tell you what to do.
-Do what your manager tells you.
-Thank you for coming.
Teenagers who think that just because they enjoyed a clumsy tit squeeze at their middle school dance, they are now adults with a deep understanding of all the complexities of human sexuality.
Metal polish that has a similar effect to spraying WD-40 all over the metal. Look, the idea is to make the surface CLEAN. If I lean against the elevator door and ruin my shirt, I guess it's not fucking clean, is it?
More people who don't fucking get it. I was just in line behind this bitch who wanted a rare hamburger, and would not take no for an answer, and returned her burger with copious bitching when it was too well done... at fucking BURGER KING. Idiot. There isn't some guy in the back with a meat thermometer carefully cooking burgers to order. There's a big fucking machine that runs the burgers over a fire on a CONVEYOR BELT.
That "roll the dice" moment when you clog a public toilet. If I flush it again, will it go down, will it stay clogged but stop short of the rim, or will it overflow? OOOOHHHH! SNAKE EYES.
Managers who panic and employees who gripe as though even the slowest days at work are so ridiculously busy that all they can do is freak out.
Melodramatic idiots who say everything in a "CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?" tone. "So I went to the store, right, and they didn't EVEN have any Coke." Who gives a shit? Drink something else, oh master of drama.
People older than you who assume that with age comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes agreeing with them. "Not a Christian? Well, I was young and rebellious once too. You'll come around. You're liberal? You're still idealistic and naive. When you're my age you'll understand." I've heard this argument used to promote everything from racism to country music to flawed grammar and pseudoscience. The tone is always condescending. The clear message is, "You're dumb and ignorant, and when you're my age, you'll realize how stupid you were and that I was right all along." Pardon me if I don't see eye to eye with the generation that elected Nixon, Reagan and Bush. There's a Bush in office for my generation too, but at least we have the excuse that we didn't actually elect him. Should I revere your wisdom in plastering your car bumper with an "Ollie for President" bumper sticker when he should have been sent up the river for treason, or respect you for making him a senator? You think I'm going to give a lot of credence to a generation that used to go to anti-war demonstrations and now has found "wisdom" in voting Republican, voting church leaders onto their school boards, driving SUV's and shopping at Old Navy? No thanks.
Musicians and artists who do something that is somewhat original, but try to inflate their own egos by acting like they have created something revolutionary.
"We've created this living audio environment."
"Hmmm.... Sounds like ambient music."
"But it has LIFE."
"Well, arguably, all music is supposed to have life"
"You just don't get it."
"I don't get what about your ambient music transcends all spiritual consciousness and creates a brand new evolving universe within itself? Boy, you got me there. Sounds like pretty run-of-the-mill ambient music to me "
Passive aggressive bullshit. If you have some problem with me, have the balls to say something. There is this woman I work with that does the same shit every day. When I arrive at work, I get my clipboard and go to her desk to update my planner so it matches hers. I ask to see the planner, which nine times out of ten interrupts a personal phone call and she makes me wait for a minute or two, pretending not to see me. After she's had her fill of making me wait, she turns to me and asks what I need, even though I need the exact same thing every time.
People in charge of keeping records who lose shit and act like it's your fault. Today when I came to work today my ID card didn't work. The security guard made a phone call to the ID office and said they needed to see my birth certificate. I replied that I had already shown them my birth certificate months earlier and that I obviously didn't have it with me. The guard gave me a frustrated sigh, got on the phone again to tell them I didn't have it with me, and then said to me,"Well, you can go through today, but they need it," as though I DID something to make THEM lose the fucking thing and that they were cutting me some slack and LETTING me come to work, despite them not having a copy of a document which THEY lost.
People in elevators who make it as obvious as possible that you are inconveniencing them by riding in the same elevator as them. How dare you delay the Lord of Elevators by making his trip take six seconds longer?
Today I got on a down elevator on the eighth floor. The guy who was already in it looked perturbed that I got on, and as soon as I got in, he hit the "close door" button. He was headed to the third floor. As soon as I hit the button for the sixth floor, he let out one of those loud sighs. You know the sound. It's not really a sigh so much as it's getting every bit of air out of your lungs with as much force as possible so it sounds like, "HUHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!" He crosses his arms and stands there rocking his weight from one foot to the other, getting himself as wound up as possible. I mean, how could some fucker get on HIS elevator and delay him TWICE by getting on AND off before he gets to his destination? The elevator got to the 6th floor and I got off. I looked over my shoulder, and out of the corner of my eye I saw him poke the "door close" button as soon as I stepped outside the door. The source of his annoyance was leaving and he was free to captain his 8x8x6 vessel away into the sunset... Then just before the door fully closed I waved my hand in the crack to trip the sensor and the door sprung open. As I walked away he made a sound like, "PFFFFFT EKK GUHHHHH!!!" and I heard the flick-flick-flick-flick sound of him frantically smashing the "door close" button.
People such as customers or managers who constantly change their minds and act like your inability to read their thoughts is basically you making a mistake. I just had a client come up to me asking if her printed menu cards are ready. We only make these on request and she did not order them previously. I said we did not have them for her and asked if she would like me to order them for her. She made the annoyed "you fucked up" face and walked away without a word. Pull your shit together before you switch into intolerable cunt mode, ass eater.
People that either don't understand how two way radios work or don't get the idea of using them to give concise information, and leave the button pressed so they can ramble on and on and don't let you respond, so when you try to hit the button on your radio to reply, you get that BEEEP sound. "Hey, I just wanted to tell you that the client in room 530 ordered five extra soft drinks...*BEEEEEEP* so I just thought you should know about it... *BEEEEEEEP* ...because I know you need to bill them....*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP* ...so that's five extra soft drinks... *BEEEEEEEEP* ...in room 530... *BEEEEEEP* ........so I thought I should call you.......... *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP* .....to let you know....*BEEEEEEP* so you can bill them...... Hello?..... *BEEEEEEEEEEP* .... Hello? *BEEEEP* Did you get that?.........................*BEEEEEEEEEEP* (At this point you throw the radio against the floor and are angry because it's fairly durable and doesn't smash into a million pieces.)
People that hear that I live in New York City who immediately ask me if I heard about some major news event in New York. "Did you hear about that New York Yankee who crashed his private plane into that apartment building?"
"Wait, WHAT? A NEW YORK YANKEE DID WHAT? When? How? Really?"
Gee, I might occasionally hear about major news events that are the front page stories in the international media that happen a half mile away from me in the most populous city in the western hemisphere.
People that smoke so much that when you're standing five feet away from them, and they aren't even currently smoking, it smells like you shoved your head up a cigarette's asshole.
People who always refer to everyone by a nickname.
"Yo, Big J! How's it hangin'? Oh, hey! If it isn't the Captain himself! How's it goin', Captain?"
"Hey there, FUCKTARD! Well if it isn't Mister FUCKTARD who thinks not remembering people's real names is endearing! WHATTUP, FUCKTARD!"
People who are perfectly comfortable picking their noses regardless of who is looking at them. Some of these fucks will even do it when they are talking right to your face. Hey, assholes. Welcome to society. Society thinks that is revolting, so, uh, STOP IT.
People who are totally baffled by credit. "Why the fuck didn't I get that loan?" Oh, gee... Probably because your credit is shit. Seriously, what is so complicated? If you are loaned money, you pay it back on time. The utility company sends you your bill, you pay it on time. Your rent is due on the 1st of the month, you don't pay it on the 17th. You have a cell phone plan or a membership at a gym, you pay your bills on time until the contract is finished. WHAT THE FUCK IS SO MYSTERIOUS?
People who don't own a single article of clothing, other than jeans, that isn't athletic wear - particularly when they don't regularly engage in any athletic activity. No, standing on the corner with your buddies, drinking beer and yelling at girls doesn't qualify.
People who have food allergies who don't say shit until they are in the middle of an attack. "Oh my god, you're swelling up like Tetsuo in 'Akira!' You're allergic to seafood, onions, tomatoes, AND peppers? We didn't HAVE to eat at Bayou Bill's Jambalaya Shack."
People who save empty liquor bottles and use them as decorations in their homes. Let me explain something. When you buy a consumable product that comes in a container, and then you consume the product, the container is now GARBAGE. Do you save old chicken bones and empty McDonald's ketchup packets too? Is it a trophy? "Hee-yuck! I done dranked that whoooole thing!" Good for you. You got drunk. Be sure to save the bottle to commemorate June 22, 2003, a date which holds no historical significance other than, "Dag-gone! I sure was drunk!"
People who seem to love to fight who always hear everything the wrong way.
A guy and a girl go on vacation. On the way home the guy says, "This was the best time ever."
What he means: "I had a really good time and am very happy."
What she hears: "This was the most fun I ever had with you because normally I'm completely bored and miserable whenever you're around, but this was actually surprisingly tolerable by comparison. Even all those times you fucked me were really disappointing and not very noteworthy and I'm pretty disgusted with you most of the time and I think you're a complete bitch and usually you are a detractor from how much fun I have rather than someone who makes me happy. I honestly don't know why I'm wasting my life hanging around you because alI you do is bring me down. Your ass is flabby and your tits are saggy and I think I'd have a lot more fun if I was with some hot little nympho who knows how to do something in bed besides sleep or read a book. Maybe I could meet a girl who's younger and better looking than you who knows how to give a decent blowjob and actually even enjoys swallowing my semen instead of constantly nagging me and acting like she's PMSing 365 days a year (366 on leap years). I was truly shocked and relieved that we could actually be together for longer than two hours without having to sit through "Runaway Bride" or "The Ya Ya Sisterhood" or "The Wedding Planner" or another one of those retarded cookie-cutter chick flick snore-fests. I actually mentioned that I had a good time purely out of surprise that I could actually stand being around you for a whole week without you turning into a giant asshole or starting on one of your pathetic fits of crying for no reason. A good time with you? Wow! I never would have guessed that was even possible!"
People who should know better, like party DJ's, who have their EQ's set all wrong. I mean, can you not hear that it sounds like a shitty mish-mash of muddy midrange and ear-splitting treble?
People who think of a newspaper as a daily publication about sports surrounded by a bunch of paper that has no apparent purpose. They fail to realize that there is a purpose to the rest of the newspaper... advertising cars, advertising movies, advertising clothes, advertising real estate... oh, and important news events like Madonna adopting African babies.
People who think that people with allergies are just overreacting, as though having a massive sneezing fit or asthma attack is something they can control. I'm allergic to dogs and always have been. In fact I have been to the hospital several times for asthma attacks because I was around dogs. Often the person with the dog says things like, "Oh, you should be fine. I vacuumed and I'll put the dog outside while you're over," as though all the dander and saliva in their carpet, on their couch, in the air, and literally covering every surface in their house is just magically gone. I'll meet you for coffee, meet up for a movie, have dinner in a restaurant, or we can hang at my place, but I'm not going to try to pretend to be relaxed and enjoying myself while it feels like my lungs are filled with steel wool and someone is standing on my chest. But your dog is a member of the family, you say? Fine. Enjoy your family. I'll be somewhere else, not interrupting your wonderful family life.
People who use "kiss of death" terms for people when everyone knows these by now. Here's a tip for the ignorant. If someone you don't know well calls you "chief, boss, my friend, bud, champ, etc." just take it to mean retarded fuckhead.
People who use the restroom, go to the sink and then splash cold water on their hands for half a second. Who do you think you're fooling? The idea is to get rid of the germs, not just slightly moisten them.
People who wake up, take a shower and brush their teeth, eat breakfast, brush their teeth, commute to work, wash their hands, have a cup of coffee, brush their teeth and wash their hands, go to a meeting, wash their hands, do some work, wash their hands, eat lunch, brush their teeth, do some more work, wash their hands, have a pepsi with a straw, brush their teeth and wash their hands, commute home, take a shower, wash their hands, eat dinner, brush their teeth, watch tv, take a shower, brush their teeth and go to bed... who think everyone around them is a filthy animal.
Public restroom freaks. The restroom I am in as I write this is in very good repair. It is clean and all of the stalls have doors with perfectly functional latches on them. WHY then did I just walk in and see this fucker sitting there with his pants around his ankles taking a shit with the stall door wide open? Hmmm... Let's just look at my list of things I want to see... Yep, there it is right at the very bottom: "Man taking a shit."
Q: What do you call someone who drinks 250 dollar scotch?
A: An asshole.
Retarded graphic designers. I just saw an ad for a microwave oven that made my eye twitch. The microwave was shown straight on. "Inside" the microwave was a bowl of popcorn. While the idea of an uncovered bowl of popcorn in a microwave is stupid in the first place, what really pissed me off was that the bowl was shot from a 3/4 kind of top-down angle. Think about this for a second. The oven is sitting flat, viewed straight on, yet something which is supposedly sitting inside it is viewed from above. This picture isn't from the ad, but I made it to give you a general idea.
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Retards who get cosmetic surgery, and then a few months later look exactly the same plus scars.
Ridiculously aggressive people. Today I was crossing the street, and there were cars coming. I intended to cross the street going north, and then walk down the block going east, so I kind of walked along the edge of the street going east alongside the parked cars until traffic was clear so I could cross. I didn't realize there was someone in one of the parked cars, and as I walked, a car door swung open a few feet in front of me. I was surprised, but didn't really think anything of it, and just walked around it and continued on my way. Then I heard this barrage of bitch noise from behind me. I call it bitch noise because that's really the best way to describe it. This bitch got out of her car and was hurling all kinds of insults and accusations at me. I really didn't listen to what she actually said, suffice to say, she basically had gotten out of her car to kick my ass for walking NEAR it. "HOW YOU GONNA (yackety yackety) FUCKIN' MOTHERFUCKER GONNA (blah blah blah)" and so on and so forth. I crossed the street and walked down the block, trying to ignore the steady stream of bitch noise. As I rounded the corner of the block, I looked back at the car, and she was STILL standing next to it giving me the hard alpha stare.
That weird iridescent wet-look thing that happens to wool suits when they have been worn too much. "What, already? FUCK! Now I have to buy a new suit before people realize I don't actually enjoy looking like some pencil-dicked republican."
That weird long pinkie nail thing on guys. Why the fuck? These guys cut all of their nails short, except they leave just the nail on their pinkie long and disgusting. What the fuck is that for? I had a waiter at my last job who did that shit once, and I told him to cut it. He tried to make excuses for having it without actually explaining what the fuck it was. I was like, "You serve FOOD. People see your hands as you set the plates down. In fact, some people have a habit of intentionally looking at waiters' hands to make sure some filthy jerk isn't handling their food." He kind of laughed, but I restated that he needed to cut it. The next day he showed up and I looked and it was still there, so I went to my office, grabbed a nail clipper and handed it to him. He acted really weird and reluctant to cut it off, once again tried to dodge the subject. He cut it off and as he handed the nail clipper back he had an expression like I had just popped his balloon.
The bullshit redundant word, "guesstimate." What the fuck do you think a guess is? It's a fucking estimate.
The fact that a large cross-section of Mac idiots think that Mac is immune to viruses. Why would hackers bother writing viruses for 5% of computers? If they had the interest, of course Mac would have more viruses. Besides, the people who write viruses are generally advanced computer users, and advanced computer users are highly unlikely to use a Mac because Mac is shit. Mac not getting viruses is akin to nerds who can't get laid to save their lives being safe from HIV.
The fact that on practically every phone menu, the very last option is the one everyone wants, to speak to an actual human. This is made even more excruciating by the fact that the person on the recording speaks painfully slowly and on more and more of these, "0" does not get you a person.
"Welcome to Annoying as Fuck Company..... Insert trite corporate slogan.... In order to better serve you...... Please slelect one of the following..... options....... For English...... Press 1 *BOOP* ....... Welcome to our customer service....... menu..... Please be aware that for quality assurance and training..... purposes..... this call may me monitored..... or recorded..... Our phone menu has changed..... Please listen to the following.... options....... To reach our sales.... department.... press one.... For wholesale..... press two.... for accounts payable..... press three..... For accounts receivable..... press four...... For international orders.... press five...... To track a shipment..... press six.... For human resources... press seven..... For business hours and retail store locations.... press eight.... For tax exempt and government orders.... Press nine......." You smash the zero out of desperation. *BOOOP!!!* "....... I'm sorry.... That is an invalid entry....." WHAT THE FUCK!!! "Welcome to our customer service....... menu....." Holy fucking shit! You then sit and listen to all the options again. "....For tax exempt and government orders.... press nine..... If you know your party's extension..... you may enter it at any time..... To speak to a customer service representative...... press one-nine-three...." WHAT?! FUCK YOU!
The fact that the filthiest, most disgusting guy in every restaurant is always the guy washing the dishes.
The fact that there are a million video games about auto racing, and the primary objective in 999,999 of them is: "Don't bump into the sides or you will slow to a crawl and it will take for-fucking-ever to reaccellerate and beat the lead car which is so far beyond any kind of realistic human reflexes that it's basically just the game cheating."
The way book reviews come out AS the book is coming out.
The way people in the Bush administration repeatedly make allusions to the Nazis. They paint America's enemies as the "Axis of Evil," "Fascists," and make references to the Nazis over and over as being terrible, evil people, the likes of which they are trying to defend America against, yet they are using almost identical tactics, fearmongering, rhetoric and propaganda as the Nazis did.
Customer service people who don't know shit about shit. I called my bank today to add an alternate authorized address to my checking card so I can use it to make online purchases and receive FedEx shipments at work. I called and went through the phone menu maze until I came to a live person (I use the term loosely). She said that it was impossible to add an address, as the system would recognize the added address as my new address and all my statements, etc. would be sent to my job.
I hung up, called right back, got a different operator, and three minutes later I hung up with a new alternate address successfully added to my account.
This trend of people just saying "No I didn't" as their defense when they are caught red handed doing shit. I seriously can't remember a time in my life that so many people were so full of shit that they will look straight down the lens of a camera and say, "Nuh-uh" when a camera just like it caught them doing what they are now denying.
Bush's battle cry for the last few years in regards to Iraq has been "Stay the Course," meaning that we will stay there until the job, whatever the hell that job is today, is done. When the Republicans were in the final stretch of their House and Senate campaigns, Bush said basically that he never said "Stay the Course" and that he was flexible. Out came the videotape of him saying it about a dozen times.
Of course this mirrors Bush's pal, Dick Cheney, who before the war said that Iraq was producing WMD and was an "imminent threat." After no evidence of WMD was found, "I never said that." Out came the videotape, and after watching it, he retorted that they obviously misunderstood him. What the fuck else could he mean,?"And by 'Imminent threat,' of course, I mean that I really like pizza. Pizza is delicious." Bullshit.
Today I saw a hilarious video of Faith Hill pulling a Kanye West at the Country Music Awards. They showed all of the nominees for best female artist in this sort of montage, and when they called someone else's name, Faith Hill threw up her hands, looked around in disbelief and then screamed an incredulous "WHAT??!!!" into the camera before storming out of the shot. Later she said that it was a joke and it would be "unimaginable" that she could show such poor sportsmanship. I don't have to imagine it, dipshit. I SAW it.
While we're on the topic of music entertainment, let's all be serious for a second. We all saw Janet Jackson's tit. We all know it wasn't an accident or a "wardrobe malfunction" that caused us all to see the tit, right? She even had an elaborate nipple clamp for the occasion, which she's lucky Timberlake didn't accidentally grab and tear off. I think it's moot to go into whether or not seeing the tit was shocking or whatever. I am of the opinion that, while I have seen better tits, and it was a pretty dumb stunt, seeing a tit is almost always better than not seeing a tit.
Seriously, what ever happened to, "I fucked up. Sorry about that." The answer to all of the above circumstances is, "My bad," not " Who, ME? Not me. Nuh-uh. I would never."
Toilet paper has many criteria by which you could grade it: texture, thickness, softness, absorbency, number of plies, quilted/flat, etc. However, the criteria used by pretty much every asshole who maintains a public restroom is: low cost, low cost, low cost, low cost and low cost.
"Hmm... Time to order another palate of toilet paper. Let's see what we can find in this paper supply catalogue.... Charmin... neh... Northern.... neh.... Bargain basement... Nnnnneh... Campground grade.... Nnnnnnneh.... Wait a second. What's this brand, 'Not for Human Use?" Never heard of that one before. WOW! Ten thousand rolls for three dollars! Sold! Boy, that was a hard day's work. T.G.I.F! Guess I'll go see if I can knock some candy bars out of the snack machine until quittin' time."
Employers who think that part of the package deal for you being employed by them is that they can call you at any hour of the day or night, and 90% of the time, it's something they could have told you at an actually reasonable time. Then, when I hit "ignore" on my phone, they call right back, because they're too IMPORTANT to leave me a message. Then I hit ignore and turn off the phone. Then, 3 hours later, when I wake up and call them back, they act annoyed that I didn't pick up the phone earlier. Here's a tip. At 6am on my day off, you are the LAST person I'm going to talk to. It's not "take one for the team" time 100% of the time.
People who think they are being edgy by ripping on Christmas, the materialism of Christmas, etc. Woooo. Way to really go out on a creative limb there. That totally hasn't been doneto death, err, before.
That dumb recurring theme in kids' cereal commercials: Theft or otherwise trying to get something one is not supposed to have. Think of the Trix Rabbit, Fred and Barney, Lucky from Lucky Charms, and the Cookie Crook (before GM turned into giant pussies and got rid of him but kept his fucking DOG). Seriously, what the fuck? Trust me, kids want your shit anyway. You don't need to market it in a "OH MY GOD, YOU GOTTA HAVE THIS NO MATTER WHAT, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO STEAL IT OR TRICK YOUR MOM TO GET IT" way.
Activists for legitimately good causes who weaken their arguments through exaggerations, sloppy journalism, fabrications, excessive emotion,etc. Look at Michael Moore for instance. Don't get me wrong, I think his heart is in the right place, but he exaggerates figures, scripts and stages interviews, uses things out of context, plays on emotion, uses "clever" editing, etc. Then when his documentary comes out, all his subjects have to do is point out how misleading it was, cite some evidence of his inconsistencies, exaggerations, and lack of journalistic integrity, and the people he attacks get the last laugh.
Ball busters who think they can magically and instantly become your best buddy. I am a manager. It is my job to make sure my staff is constantly busy, does high quality work, doesn't screw around, and doesn't steal or damage company property. I'm actually not one of those evil martinet asshole managers, but nonetheless, I understand why I don't get invited out for beers on fridays. It's something I accept.
Today we had a client who had an all day meeting with a breakfast, a morning coffee break and a buffet lunch. The guy is a royal pain the ass from the time he comes in until he leaves. We have his meetings a few times a month, and the guy has become famous for being a complete cock about everything to do with his meetings. "You're not going to put the napkins there, are you? Where is the caffeine free diet coke? I SPECIFICALLY ORDERED CAFFEINE FREE DIET COKE! You're just going to put the salad dressings in bowls? Don't you have some sort of sauce boats? Get those sandwiches out of here. They look atrocious. You're going to just use white tablecloths? Ugh. You're going to ice the ice water glasses NOW? Lunch isn't for another 15 minutes!"
So today the staff was in an unused dining room eating breakfast and he walked in, sat down at the table with the waiters, as all the staff is giving him the 'what the fuck do you want' look, and he starts cracking jokes. Within 3 minutes, the entire staff had scarfed down their breakfast and 'politely excused themselves.' Sorry, asshole. You can't just switch it on and off when you feel like it. You're a dick, the staff all think of you as a dick, and you will always be a dick. Thanks for ruining breakfast, dick.
Celebrity impersonators. Seriously. Here's a step by step guide to being 99% of all impressionists.
Step 1: Create a unique reportoire of people you impersonate. You know, like George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Robert De Niro, Jerry Seinfeld, Sean Connery, Jack Nicholson, Arnold Schwarzeneggar, Rodney Dangerfield, Sylvester Stallone, William Shatner, Christopher Walken, Joe Pesci... You know, people that no other impersonators do.
Step 2: Have no material outside impersonations.
Step 3: Find one or two phrases or mannerisms that your subject says or does... OR EVEN THAT THEY DON'T. Fuck it, just make something up. Use these at least once every three sentences. For instance, if you're doing George Bush Sr. say "Wouldn't be prudent." As long as you talk like a frumpy old man and wear round black rimmed glasses and hold a cigar, your George Burns is golden. If you're doing Bill Clinton, point with your thumb. If you're doing Joe Pesci, just do that entire fucking "Do I amuse you" dialogue verbatim and retards will laugh.
Retards who believe urban myths even after you say, "Yeah, I heard that one before. In fact, here's a website on urban myths and here's a page with that myth specifically, including a couple of variations." Go ahead. Keep believing in the vanishing hitchhiker, and I will keep thinking you're an idiot. What's even worse are the people who you catch telling you an urban myth, and they then either try to embellish the story to try to differentiate it from the myth, or try to defend it as "THIS HAPPENED TO ME!! WHY WOULD I MAKE SOMETHING LIKE THIS UP? I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!" Well gee. Why would you make up something like your involvement in a well-known urban myth? It makes you seem interesting? It sparks conversation? You're a liar? To get laid? Pick one.
Assholes who go to restaurants and nickle-and-dime their waiter the entire time they're there. This guy has other tables too, dick. "Could I get another coke?" The waiter goes to the kitchen, gets a coke and delivers it to the table. Before he can walk away, "Oh, and can you bring us some more bread?" The waiter goes to the kitchen, makes a bread basket and delivers it to the table. Before he can walk away, "Oh, and also could you bring us some more butter?" The waiter goes to the kitchen, makes a butter plate and delivers it to the table. Before he can walk away, "Oh, and can you bring me some more salad dressing?" The waiter goes to kitchen, finds a ramekin, pours salad dressing in it, and delivers it to the table. Before he can walk away, "Oh, and actually, could I get a new coke with no ice? I might not have said I didn't want ice." The waiter goes to the kitchen, pours a new glass of coke without ice, takes the coke to the staff restroom, dunks his balls in it, stirs it around a little bit with his balls, pulls his balls out, shakes the excess coke from his ballsack over the glass, washes the rest of the coke from his balls so as not to get a case of syrup nuts, checks the coke to ensure it is free from curly hairs that might give away the special care he has given the order and delivers the coke to the table. Before he leaves, he cheerfully asks, "Will there be anything else, sir?" When I'm eating with someone and they do this to the waiter, I feel like leaving the waiter a 30% tip, apologizing to them right in front of the person I'm with, and explaining to the waiter that the person I'm eating lunch people was raised by ass trolls.
Cell phone belt clips that are designed in such a way that the phone falls on the ground whenever you don't stand perfectly still or if the wind blows a little.
Cell phone belt clips that are designed in such a way that you can rarely even manage to get it off and answer the phone before it goes to voicemail.
Disproportionately strict uniform rules for low-paying entry-level jobs. I understand that you want your employees to reflect your desired company image, and that you can't have some dick with filthy fingernails and a "Fuck You" shirt working the counter, but if all you're willing to pay is minimum wage, and offer no benefits or job security, then fuck you - the lip ring stays in. If all you offer your employees is an absolutely unenviable McJob, then get a McClue. You can't expect to pay someone shit, and make them do shit, and expect them to be perfect.
Employees who have one of their coworkers fuck up, causing them to do five seconds of extra work, who go to the manager and say, "I don't want to work with them anymore." Tough shit. I currently have an employee who doesn't want to work with about two thirds of his coworkers. I have the perfect solution. Quit.
Fuckers with runny noses who sniffle and snort with every inhale. *Sniffff* (wait 3 seconds) *Snifffff* (wait 3 seconds) *Sniffffff* Blow your fucking nose, snotface.
Graffiti morons. What's the fucking point? So your scribbling skills can be admired by future generations? Not likely. There is this door at my subway stop that gets completely covered in graffiti and then painted over about once a week. Do you idiots just not see what's coming? You scribble your bullshit on the door, then a few days later you're at the station and think, "Hey, I'm gonna go admire my scribble... But wait! It's gone! I'll show them!" *Scribble scribble*
So after months of graffiti/paint over/graffiti/paint over, the New York Police Department, like the retards that they are, decided to DO something about it. Did they set up a hidden camera? Did they have someone watch the door undercover? NO. They placed an office chair, facing the door, about 15 feet away, and put an in-uniform police officer, IN PLAIN SIGHT in that chair... 24 hours a day for about 3 months. YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK. Think of the logic here, seriously. They are PAYING PEOPLE TO SIT ON THEIR FAT ASSES AND WATCH.... A DOOR... so that they won't have to expend a couple of cents every few weeks to paint over graffiti, OR JUST SAY FUCK IT, and not even bother to paint over it. Think of the logic at work here. They think they are going to CATCH SOMEONE by doing this. They think the perpetrator(s) are just going to walk right up, flip off the cop who is sitting RIGHT THERE, and spray graffiti on the door while the cop watches. It's fucking staggering how stupid that is.
Guys who have really absurdly inflated anxiety about women menstruating or the fact that they have to share the same universe as tampons and pads. The idea of handling a sealed package of clean tampons totally freaks them out. You know, because little cylinders of cotton are a serious threat to their manhood. "Oh my god! She has maxi pads in her purse. That means that she's a woman somewhere between the ages of 11 and 60. Holy shit, I bet she even has (gasp) a VAGINA!"
Hardcore right-wingers and hardcore left-wingers who think that if you are not a hard-liner you have no spine and don't believe in anything.
People who are centrists because they don't want to offend anyone.
Jobs where there is no place for the employees to sit down except the public restroom toilet.
Lazy Photoshopping. Budweiser is the absolute worst for this shit. You'll see an ad and four people will be holding dew-speckled bottles of Bud Light... the SAME bottle of Bud Light. All the dew speckles are in the exact same spots. I recently saw an ad for the Bronx Zoo that featured a family-like group of giraffes. Some were smaller, some facing left, some right... but it was the same fucking giraffe. It wasn't even multiple pictures of the same giraffe, just multiple copies of the same picture scaled up or down and flipped left or right. Let's think about this shit for a second. You picked an animal that has UNIQUE SPOT PATTERNS that make one animal easily identifiable from another and then copy-pasted them all over an ad like nobody would notice. It takes two seconds for someone to look and think, "Oh. It's just a bunch of copies of the same thing. They must think I'm stupid."
Managers who don't think you need time off because they don't relate to what you do in your spare time. "I know it's really slow on Friday, but why do you need to take off? You're just going to play on the computer. You can do that here."
People are overly apologetic when they slip and curse. "I have all the reports done that I need for the meeting, I just need to pick up some shit from my desk. OH! I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Excuse me. It slipped. Sorry. Sorry." Who gives a fuck? Did you see my jaw drop open and hear me gasp in horror? No, you didn't. I think it's fair to say that everyone over the age of three has heard the word 'shit' and the only adults who will really recoil and make a big stink about it are born again christians... And who gives a shit what they think?
New York City hustlers. I wasn't born in the city, but I have always had a fairly keen perception for when someone is trying to rip me off. Suffice to say, the "I live in a neighboring town and need to get home to my wife who is giving birth right now but I don't have any money for gas" guy gets about as much money from me as Greenpeace gets from Dick Cheney.
So I'm walking through the subway station hallway and this guy is walking in the opposite direction. He's turning his head to talk to his friend and is not watching where he's going. I am walking in a perfectly straight line. As he nears me he veers a bit towards me and bumps into me. I say what you might expect. "Watch where the fuck you're going, dipshit." Yes, I have a big fucking mouth, but sometimes that's what the job calls for.
The guy then starts pointing to the ground and giving me the "What the fuck" gesture. I look down and see a broken pair of glasses on the ground. They had supposedly been in his left hand and were knocked to the ground when he bumped me.
"Why don't YOU watch where you're going, asshole," he said. "You fucking broke my glasses."
"No, YOU broke your glasses. If you weren't so busy giggling with your friend and swerving to run into me, your glasses would be fine."
"You gonna pay for that? That shit cost me 200 bucks!"
"Why? Do I have to pay every time you break something yourself? YOU bumped into ME."
At this point he gave up and was like, "Whatever." He reached down and picked up the glasses and went on his way.
Later that day I was at work telling my coworkers what had happened. As I told the story, one of them in particular seemed unusually interested, even agitated.
"Was it a tall black guy?"
"Yeah."
"Was this at the train station at the corner of 6th and 42nd?"
It occurred to me that I had not mentioned exactly what train station this had happened in. "Yes it was. Why?"
"I gave that fuckin' guy fifty bucks the other day."
A few months later some kid at Fordham in The Bronx did the exact same thing. I saw him coming at me from a mile away, glasses in hand. When the glasses hit the ground and he made the "what the fuck" gesture, I calmly said, "Oh, hey! It's that 'pay for the broken glasses' scam. Sorry, kid. I've seen that shit before. Now fuck off before I find a cop."
Apparently "Whatever" is the standard response when the supposed victim isn't buying it, because he said the exact same thing as the first guy.
On the opposite end, you have people who are so stupid that people can easily rip them off with obvious or well-known scams. One particular thing that comes to mind is "Three Card Monte." I moved to NYC from Kentucky, and I was amazed to find people still playing it, because EVEN A GUY FROM KENTUCKY knows it's bullshit. For those unfamiliar with what this is, a guy will set up a tray-table or a smooth board on top of milk crates on a sidewalk. He has three playing cards that have been creased vertically, so he can pick them up by the raised "spine" and shuffle them around. One is usually the Queen of Hearts. People bet on being able to pick the Queen of Hearts once he stops shuffling. He then flips the card over to show them that they fucking LOSE, LOSE, LOSE. At least, that is how this "game" appears on the surface. In reality, this is not really a game, or even gambling, but a simple sleight of hand magic trick with a little social engineering thrown in for good measure. See, in gambling, there is a probability that you will win. Three Card Monty is basically just handing your money to some asshole because you're too stupid not to. You CANNOT WIN, unless he DECIDES he wants you to win. You can follow the card perfectly, and when you point at it, he will ALWAYS turn it over to reveal that you are wrong. Even if you point at the correct card, when he flips it over, it will not be the Queen of Hearts. How do people get lured into this hopeless scenario? One thing that helps grease the wheels is that an observer will see groups of people beating the guy and winning wads of cash. These are not "winners." These people are part of the scam, and at the end of the day, they all split the "winnings."
People in crowded public spaces that seem to think that if their bag keeps hitting you it doesn't count. Yesterday on the train, this fucktard had a briefcase that kept bumping the back of my knee. I let my knee bend a bit and then quickly straightened my leg, flicking the briefcase away. This made the guy's arm flop upwards. He gave me this look like I was crazy, which, of course, is in my favor in a situation where some douchebag thinks he can get away with being a douchebag because surely nobody would be crazy enough to say something. He moved. Thank you for moving, shit-neck.
People who are too stupid to assess a situation and think for two seconds. I was just in an elevator at work. The door opened and this guy with a cart of office supplies got on... well... almost. The cart was about three inches too long for the door to close. It was also almost the full width of the door, which made changing the angle of the cart impossible. Did the guy realize the cart was never going to fit, and take it to the freight elevator on the other side of the floor where it would definitely fit? What do you think? Instead, he backed the cart up a few inches and rammed it against the back wall of the elevator. Then when it still wouldn't fit he put his back into it and used steady force to push the cart against the back wall of the elevator, like the steel cart was just going to squish like an accordion until those last three inches fit inside and the elevator door would close. Finally after 15 seconds or so, the elevator door had enough and started beeping and closing, sort of the elevator equivalent of "move it or lose it." Now the guy was really determined, and he started ramming it repeatedly against the back wall of the elevator. I was tired of the bullshit too, and said, "It's not going to fit. You need to go to the freight elevator. " He looked at me as though I had just slapped his daughter in the mouth with my dick. He gave the cart a couple more pushes, gave me the face again, and finally backed out of the elevator.
People who believe "The Da Vinci Code" is a completely true historical account because they are too stupid to read a NOVEL without it uprooting all their previously held beliefs.
People who believe "The Da Vinci Code" is an inaccurate historical account, not because it's a NOVEL, and hence, inherently a WORK OF FICTION, but because they are trying to keep from having their hilarious religious faith shaken, plus the Pope calls B.S. "Yo. I'm the Pope. I read 'The Da Vinci Code' and I'm calling B.S. on that shit. We can't just have a bunch of assholes writing tons of gibberish that is totally fabricated and having weak-minded people thinking it's real. That's OUR gig."
Movies, particularly sci-/horror movies that say, "Based on real events. Usually the extent to which they are based on actual events is like, in the movie, there is a guy named Dave who lives in Minnesota, who was abducted by aliens who performed mindblowingly cruel experiments on him and then returned him to earth with special powers of telepathy and telekinesis, and in real life in Minnesota there are actually quite a few guys named Dave.
People who can't stand any animals on any level.
People who chew gum as though their life depends on chomping it as frantically as possible.
People who don't understand English who nod and say, "Yes," to everything. Please, if you don't understand, let me fucking know and I'll find someone to translate or something.
Me: "Would you mind taking this folder to Ed from accounting?"
Guy who doesn't understand: (Big smile) "Okay! Yes, yes, okay!" (Nod, nod, nod)
Hours later....
Ed from accounting: "Could you send me those invoices we talked about earlier? I never received them."
Me: "Hang on a second."
Me to guy: "Remember that folder I gave you earlier to take to Ed?"
Guy: "Yes, yes."
Me: "What happened to it? Ed never got it."
Guy: "Okay. Yes."
People who get busted breaking the law who think that a logical defense is that the law is unfair. Of course, many laws may seem illogical or unfair to you, but that doesn't stand up in court when you get pulled over for driving 90 in a school zone while smoking crystal meth with your dick in the mouth of a thirteen year old girl.
People whose houses or apartments are spotlessly clean, and then you realize that it's not tidy because they clean up, but because they simply don't have any stuff. Like, your apartment has a bed, a couch, a chair, a dresser with a few articles of clothing in it, a closet with one pair of shoes and one jacket in it, a TV, a frying pan, a microwave oven, a refrigerator, a plate, a bowl, a fork, a knife, a spoon, a cup, a bar of soap, a tube of toothpaste, a toothbrush, a bottle of shampoo, a towel, a desk, a computer and a garbage can... OF COURSE it's clean.
People who get really hung up on semantics about their job title.
"So how long have you been a magician?"
"I'm not a magician. I'm an illusionist."
"Oh, so you use tricks, sleight of hand and optical illusions to make objects seem to disappear, appear, move unnaturally, be destroyed and then remade, and stuff like that?"
"Yeah."
"That's funny. That's what magicians do."
People who get ridiculously melodramatic about the repulsiveness of bodily functions. I was having lunch with some people from work and this girl had been on a date over the weekend. One girl asked her how it went and she curled her lip up and kind of chuckled the "don't ask" chuckle. The basic summary of her date horror was that during dinner, the guy went to the restroom, spent too long there to have taken a piss, and presumably had instead taken a shit. This ruined the whole date. The mood was destroyed.
So I'm sitting there waiting for someone to shoot this chick's phobias down, maybe say something like, "What's he supposed to do, shit his pants?" But instead, the girl she's talking to is in complete agreement. I mean, if they were making out, and the guy ripped a huge fart, then yeah, that's pretty bad, but this guy excused himself, went to the restroom and used it. HOW DARE HE? This girl was acting like the guy stood up at the table, turned around, pulled down his pants, pinched off a giant loaf onto his plate and then mixed it into his pasta primavera and ate it. I hate to shatter your little perfect world, but guess what.... People sometimes shit. Know what Brad Pitt, Keanu Reeves, Johnny Depp, and Matthew McConaughey all did today? They all took big smelly shits. DEAL WITH IT.
People who go to restaurants and expect the waiter to read their minds. Yesterday we had this customer who ordered a tuna salad. When the waiter took it to him he had a disgusted look on his face.
"Is there mayonnaise in this?"
"Yes there is, dumbass, because that's what's in tuna salad! If we didn't put mayo in it, the other 99.999% of people who order it and EXPECT mayo would be like 'where's the fucking mayo?' and they would be right because the two main ingredients in tuna salad are tuna and fucking mayo! If you wanted tuna salad without the mayo you should have fucking asked for it, not have us GET YOUR ORDER RIGHT and then have to THROW IT AWAY because we didn't read your goddamn mind!" Of course, that's not what the waiter said, but it's what the guy deserved.
People who haven't figured out how to end a relationship without turning into a big heartless asshole.
People who never understand that the relationship is over unless you turn into a big heartless asshole.
People who obviously inflate the supposed value of something thinking that people will be more careful with it.
Maitre 'D's instructions to a group of temp waiters working a banquet: "Be extremely careful with these china plates. Each one costs 500 dollars."
Saying this will cause one of the following mental reactions:
1.) "Bullshit. There's no possible way this place spent 500 bucks per plate. Do they expect me to believe they spent a million dollars just on plates, coffee cups, saucers and shit? No fucking way."
2.) "Oooohhh. I'd better make sure to steal a few of these before I leave."
It will, however, NOT cause the following reaction:
"Oh. Originally I was planning to knock my elbow against that door frame as I walked past while carrying these plates, or maybe slip on a wet spot and drop one of them on the floor, but I guess I'd better not, because I care deeply about accidental loss of property for an establishment where I have never worked, and am unlikely to ever work again."
People who think it's perfectly normal to be constantly at war with everyone around them. They go to work and make sure all their coworkers hate their guts, as though constantly battling your coworkers is just part of having a job. Here's a tip. If you think everyone at your job is a douchebag, and everyone there thinks you're a douchebag, and then you go home and you think your wife and kids are douchebags, and they think you're a douchebag, and then you call your parents on the phone and the conversation quickly deteriorates into an argument about which of you is the bigger douchebag, THAT'S NOT NORMAL.
People who think that it's perfectly acceptable to take their dog ANYWHERE, particularly when they have one of those obnoxious dogs that likes to jump up on everyone, which of course, they never reprimand the dog for, and if you have a problem with that, then YOU'RE an asshole.
People who think the dude who does the weather on their small-town local news channel is a celebrity.
People who think they're being wonderfully courteous by holding the door for you when you're still several seconds away from the door. Of course, you can't just stroll casually to the door at the pace you were originally walking or you'll look like a complete dick, so you do the faggy little fake jog thing, you know, the "wait, I'm coming" thing, which is more of a pantomime than an actual exertion towards moving faster. You're smiling at them and going, "Thank you... Thanks... Thanks... Thank you..." People who deliver babies on crowded buses in rush hour traffic don't even get this kind of gratitude. It's almost passive-aggressive, like, "Hah! I can make this guy run."
People who routinely use the word "unacceptable." You know what a waiter, hotel desk clerk, retail salesperson, etc. thinks when you use this word? "Oh, okay. nothing I do at this point will ever make this fucking bitch happy, so fuck 'em. Maybe I'll make a half-hearted effort to pretend to try to fix the problem, but they're never going to be satisfied, so I might as well wash my hands of them." Take this as a hint. Abusing this word is far more likely to make your waiter put his balls on your food than give you better service, and the more liberally you use this word, the greater the odds. I've never heard this word used when there actually was a severe problem. Rather, it's a word used by primadonnas who freak out when they get a knife with a water spot on it or a hotel room that's four doors awar from the ice machine instead of right next to it or some other miniscule shit that only an asshole would truly freak out about. One time I had a client order a huge seafood station for a cocktail party. After we set it up, she walked into the room to inspect it. It looked great and we fully expected her to not only be satisfied, but impressed. She walked about six feet into the room, stood there staring at the table for about a minute solid without moving, then she made an abrupt about-face and stormed out of the room to find me in the hallway. "Come with me," she snapped. I walked into the room with her and she starts making the stink-face. "Do you smell that? Something smells fishy! This is unacceptable!" Gee, I can't imagine why a closed room that is one-third filled with a wide variety of shrimp, lobster, crab, mussels, clams, oysters, sushi, smoked salmon, sturgeon, etc. might smell like, uhhh... seafood. I got a couple of slices of lemon, a couple shots of brandy and a hot frying pan and went into the room with the sizzling mixture to give her the idea that I was fixing the problem. It was impressive looking, and for a few seconds there was a sweet burning smell, but overall it didn't do a fucking thing except shut her up, which, of course was the desired effect, and as far as I was concerned, exactly what the bitch needed. If you say "unacceptable," you are a stupid bitch who is full of her own shit who needs to shut the fuck up. I have yet to see an exception to this rule.
People who think you can compensate for a bad cell phone signal by screaming into their phones, like the additional volume is going to make the signal stronger or something. They act like the phone is going to respond like a whipped horse. "Oh, he really means business. I'd better stop fucking around and pump out more radio waves." "So I guess we'll meet up around Broadway and... Hello?... Hello? ARE YOU THERE? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!! HELLO???!!! HELLOOOOOO!!!!!" (They look at the phone to count how many bars they have) "DAVE?!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!!!!! DAVE!!!!!! HELLOOOOO?!!!!!!"
People with really poor Engilsh skills who correct other people's English. This woman I know has a Dominican husband and constantly corrects his English in front of people in an obnoxious, belittling way. Reality check, fucker. The guy has gaps in his English skills because he learned English a few years ago as an adult, whereas you've spoken English as your first language for your whole life and still say things like, "What he did?" rather than "What did he do?" and "Where he went?" rather than "Where did he go?"
People you are in close contact with for hours and hours every day who still fuck up your name. Like my boss from a few years ago called me John for the first six months I worked with her, despite me correcting her every time.
"John, could you see if you could find -"
"Mike."
"What?"
"My name is Mike."
"What did I say?"
"John."
"Ahhh! Sorry! Why do I keep doing that? Gaaa!"
"Oh, gee, I don't know. Maybe because you're a fucking moron who is too self absorbed to even give a shit, and too stupid to remember even if you did care. I mean, what, are you retarded? You have a staff of only fifteen people and I'm you're fucking assistant. The staff works for you THROUGH me, and we work together five days a week, ten hours a day in sickeningly close contact. You talk to me so often that I hate your fucking guts. I also I despise the way your hands sweat like you dunked them in a sink when you shake my hand, and you leave the computer keyboard soaked in your filthy dribbling sweat because you're terrified of computers and they make your hands sweat even more, you dumb basketcase fuck. Have a fucking breath mint, you stank cunt."
Okay, so that's not exactly what I said.
Really, REALLY fat cops. How the fuck are these guys supposed to stop crime? Seriously, I see some cops out there and I know for a fact that I could easily outrun them or kick their asses, and I'm in bad shape. I know that in most places people who want to become cops have to take all kinds of tests and be physically fit, but it seems like once they're in, they're set, and they can just let themselves go. I guess the union stands behind them as they become fat tubs of lard. "You can't fire Dave. He's been a cop for eight years," which, of course in the union mindset means that he's untouchable even if he becomes too fat to walk. The union would probably file a grievance to get the precinct to buy him one of those Jazzy Chair scooters so he could just roll around fighting slow-walking crime wherever it rears its ugly head. Who the fuck are these guys stopping? If I was a criminal who was coming out of a house I just robbed, and saw one of these huge fatasses, I would have no problem outrunning them on foot. Sorry, Porky Pigs, you can't keep law and order with a computer programmer's physique. Ever wonder why unarmed people keep getting shot by the cops? Well, it was either that or running after them.
Soft rock. What gets into aging rock stars that makes them think, "You know... I'm bored with making music that's awesome. I think I need to make some music that would be appropriate to play at wedding receptions and as background music at grocery stores."
Retards that pronounce the "L" in Salmon.
Songs that are five minutes long that don't do anything new after the first 45 seconds and just repeat what they're doing after the intro until the end of the song.
Tech support at internet service providers that makes you jump through hoops before they will even check to see if something is wrong on their end.
"What is the brand of modem? Hmmmm... Could you hit the reset button? Nothing? Ok, check your network cable. Hmmmm.... Ok, have you run a virus scan? Could you do that now? (15 minutes later) Nothing? Hmmmm. Ok, hit the reset button on the modem again. Nothing? Are the lights on the modem blinking? Which ones? Hmmm... Ok go to the control panel and open Network Properties. Ok, look for the tab that says...(15 more minutes of bullshit) Hmmm... Ok, let me check something.... Ohhhh... It looks like there IS an outage in your area. I'll put in a call to fix it. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
That cliche "Pride in the company" montage in television commercials where they have shitloads of actors pretending to be employees completing each others' sentences, even overlapping words. I mean, HOW MANY commercials can you make with the EXACT same structure before you think people will catch on?
White guy with a hard hat: "It's about pride."
Black woman in a business suit: "Pride in-"
White woman in a lab coat: "-in what we do, and-"
Asian man in an apron with safety glasses: "-in how we do it. It's ab-"
Guy in a clown suit: "-bout trust and providing each clie-"
Old white guy in an expensive suit: "-client with the tools to-"
Robert Goulet: "-to achieve their goals."
Seriously though, when companies go to ad agencies is there just a fucking form with a checkable box for "Pride in the Company Montage?"
"Wow, that commercial your agency did for Merrill Lynch was really great. Make me one exactly like it."
The concept of horny guys being used as a premise for anything.
"Ooooh Jenny's going to be in the office tomorrow, so all you guys can drool over her, hee hee hee."
"Check out this webage! You guys are gonna like this one." (link to some quasi-porn "hot chicks" webpage.)
"Uh, oh! Whose copy of the Victoria's Secret catalogue is this? Hee hee."
"I bet you're one of those guys with some bimbo on his computer desktop, huh?"
"I couldn't believe it. He was just staring at my tits! Like, helloooo! I'm up here!"
Guess what. Guys are horny. No shit. You thought otherwise? Of course you didn't. "Boy! People sure do like to breathe air!" Same concept. Stop pretending to be surprised. Acting like you're amazed that guys are horny makes you look like an idiot.
The fact that the bagel company that my job orders from packs all the varieties of bagels in the same box, and when you pack onion bagels with other flavors, ALL of them become onion bagels.
The ridiculous mascara on Johnny Depp in the "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies. What the hell is that shit about? He has so much makeup caked on that Tammy Faye Baker would shout, "WHAT THE FUCK?" Yes, I know she's a holy roller, but still the phrase would be blurted out beyond her conscious control. You know, when I think of pirates I think of looting, killing, scimitars, rum, peg legs, eye patches, hook hands, raiding costal villages, raping and pillaging, hoarding treasure and Mabelline Ultra Lash Mascara... No, wait.
The way when retarded people in broadcasting get reprimanded for cursing or saying things they know the FCC will find inappropriate, they immediately compare themselves to Lenny Bruce. For instance, this retard on a New York City radio show, "Star and Buck Wild" recently got in trouble for offering a reward to anyone who could provide him with information about where a rival DJ's daughter went to school, insinuating that he was going to abduct her and abuse her sexually. When he caught shit, he said, "I am the new Lenny Bruce."
No, you are the new cancelled dipshit.
The meaningless platitudes that people write in greeting cards, particularly for comforting people after a death. "You are in our thoughts." "My condolences on your loss." "Our prayers are with you." Who talks like that? Thanks for making a painful and awkward moment just a little bit more painful and awkward.
The way they keep trying to bringing back pink menswear. What's the point of that? The only guys who wear it wear it as some statement of self-confidence, like, "I'm so secure in my manhood that I can dress like a total pussy." Seriously. It's a girl color. I don't give a shit if you're some 400 pound muscle-bound mutant with steel-wool for shoulder hair, pink still looks silly on a guy. Of course, a lot of girls will argue that pink looks good on guys. YOU'RE GIRLS! You thought Barbie's Pink Corvette looked fine too, because GIRLS LIKE PINK, BECAUSE PINK IS A GIRL'S COLOR. The color's name even rhymes with "TWINK." Ten hot girls could be fighting over which of them gets to suck your dick, and if you're wearing a pink shirt, all I can think is, "Faggot."
The word "comedienne." So you're a woman... and a comedian. I have the perfect word for you. COMEDIAN. If you look up the word "comedienne" in the dictionary, the definition is "A woman who is a comedian." Soooo... You're a fucking comedian. Now go make some more jokes about how it's so tough to lose weight or shut up.
Things that are Dumb by Design. At my job there is a frozen yogurt machine. The company that makes the machine also sells us the mix. The mix comes in gallon jugs. The machine can hold about 1.85 gallons... So... What the fuck? You can either put only one jug in and have to constantly refill it or you can put 1.85 jugs in and have shit left over to refrigerate. Eventually the refrigerator has like 10 jugs in it, all different flavors, with a little squirt of mix in each one, far too little to bother putting in the machine, since you would only be able to make a few portions before you had to go into the arduous process of cleaning the fucking thing and putting in a new flavor. Sure, you might say, "Well, just remember to add the extra mix once there's room," but of course, these people have never worked in foodservice. Machines with mix get "added to" when they are OUT, and often they are cleaned at the end of a shift and the extra mix is tossed anyway.
Today I went to Borders Bookstore. After I paid, the cashier said, and I quote, "Thank you ever so much." Yes. She actually said "ever so." I mean, I know cashiers are supposed to be polite, and maybe wish me a good day as I'm leaving, but, uhh... RELAX. Seriously, "Fuck you" would have sounded less disingenuous.
Women who haven't figured out how to walk in high heels without sounding like a horse walking on a cobblestone street.
Restaurants that give you cold pancake syrup. I'm not asking for a lot. Just don't give me cold syrup that transforms my nice hot pancakes into disgusting clammy pancakes. I mean, I'm not even asking for heated syrup, but some places give you syrup that obviously just came out of a refrigerator. Does syrup, particularly in sealed packets, even NEED to be refrigerated? Probably not. I know I sure as hell haven't ever put syrup in the fridge, and a bottle of syrup will last me for months, maybe a year, and somehow I'm still alive, so I guess it doesn't need to be fucking cold, does it?
Respected news agencies that apparently don't know shit about science, and nobody in editing catches a glaring mistake before it's in print. Yesterday I read an article that referred to bats as rodents. BATS ARE NOT RODENTS. I also remember reading an article that referred to frogs as reptiles. FROGS ARE NOT REPTILES. Another time I read an article that referred to spiders as insects. SPIDERS ARE NOT INSECTS. These assholes would probably retort, "Well, close enough." Bullshit. News is supposed to get it right, not totally botch articles by fucking up well-known facts that are taught in middle-school biology classes. (Of course, I know there are some idiots reading this right now and saying to themselves, "Wait a second. Bats ARE rodents." I'm not going to ask you to trust me on this. Look the shit up yourself, and no, asking your friends on Myspace doesn't count as "looking it up."
Terrorists fly planes into buildings and kill a couple thousand people.
Government response: HOLY FUCK! All Americans' lives must now be altered for the worse for the rest of their lives! Right to privacy? FUCK THAT SHIT! If you're not a terrorist, why should you care if we listen to all your phone calls or monitor your emails? Fourth Amendment? Nah, screw that! That shit just gets in the way, and if you disagree, then maybe you're a terrorist, and in any case you're horribly unpatriotic for going against the wishes of our king, ahem, president. Now we'd better bomb the living shit out of tens of thousands of people who had nothing to do with the attack. You know, to show 'em who's boss. CARTE BLANCHE, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Hurricane Katrina hits and water breaks through the dilapidated levees and kills over 1000 and destroys the lives of hundreds of thousands of people.
Government response: Huh? What? Aww man! You mean I have to come back from my vacation just for that? Goddamn! But I still have a few weeks left! What, you want to rebuild this shit? But they're just poor people. You want us to bend over backwards for them? I mean, it's not like they're going to vote for us in the next election anyway. Why bother? I mean seriously, do we really want to rebuild this shit? It was probably just God punishing all the sinners there. I mean really, who gives a shit?
Animal rights idiots who try to think of alternative pest control solutions that are hilariously impractical. This one friend of mine thought she could control ants by sucking them up with a turkey baster and then carrying them to the front yard and releasing them... you know, because an ant could never possibly figure out how to walk 20 feet back to its nest, and, you know, surely you can get rid of a million ants by sucking them up and releasing them one at a time. Gee... Why not, oh, I don't know... PUT SOME RAID BAIT TRAPS OUT and annihilate the whole nest from within? OH DEAR! BUT THAT WOULD BE CRUEL! You mean... (gasp) you want the poor little ants to DIE? But they're just doing what ants do naturally - forage for food! Yeah, and killing them in an efficient way is what humans naturally do to pests, so you can take your turkey baster and shove it up your ass.
Videogame designers who think that the best physics model to realistically replicate traction in driving games is a wet bar of soap in a bathtub. I mean, I'm no Mario Andretti, but I can drive a fucking car without it sliding 100 feet off the road on every goddamn turn. Realistic? Blow it out your asses.
Courtney Love. Seriously, why is this dumb bitch even famous? Was it because she helped destroy Kurt Cobain? Is it because she can always be relied upon to do idiotic things on live TV that any human with a brain would be mortified to be associated with? Is it those lumpy, bruised thighs? Is it her propensity for showing the world her absolutely unimpressive tits every chance she gets? Is it her god-awful music? Maybe her bit parts in movies that make Juliette Lewis look like a great thespian? Seriously. What is it?
"We can still be friends." Bullshit. Here is precisely what "Just be friends" is. "I want to dump you, but I don't want to feel guilty for hurting your feelings so I'll soften the blow with platitudes." Let me explain something that I think is pretty basic. I have friends that are girls. When they meet some guy, start fucking his brains out, fall in love and walk around all day beaming, I'm genuinely happy for them. When my girlfriend stops fucking me, stops talking all lovey-dovey and dirty to me, stops phoning, stops coming over just to lazily enjoy the day, and instead goes off to meet other guys, fuck their brains out, fall in love and walk around all day beaming, I fucking hate her guts, the guy's guts and my own guts. Hint: friends don't despise each other. Friends don't feel the urge to have a stiff drink after bumping into each other on the street. Friends don't avoid eye contact at parties.
Personal Ads. Yeah, I know that's a pretty broad topic, and one that I have touched on before, but the more I look at Craigslist, the more I laugh my ass off. There are four types of ads. Ads with no pictures, to hide the horror, ads with misleading pictures, like an eye, a mouth, etc, ads with bad pictures, and ads with FAKE pictures. Looking through the "Women Seeking Men" ads, I see the same hilarious cliches over and over.
1. I'm like one of the guys! Yeah, I'm sure that picture of a baseball stadium is really indicative of what's on my mind as I'm posting a personal ad: perhaps the most self-loathing thing a person can do. Oh, gee. I sure wanna hang out and watch the game and would never want to subject you to Bed Bath and Beyond and The Body Shop or maybe "Pretty Woman." Check out my overt attempt to relate to men! Help me out! I'm TRYING here!
2. Remember <insert 80's TV show or Movie>? Have some goofy referential humor! You know, because I'm looking to date someone who can quote lines from "Gremlins" and "Back to the Future!"
3. I am a gold digger. That's right. I'm not even trying to hide it. So what? I'm looking for a hot guy to buy me shit. I'm not even going to pretend to be interested in really meeting someone for what they're about. Buy me shit. Occasionally I might "cleverly mask" my intentions with code words like "successful, financially stable, professional, college educated, generous, knows how to treat a lady, loves to travel, likes fine dining," but we all know what I'm talking about, right? Right. Plus, look. I'm attractive. I have idiots yell at me on the street all day long. We both know I could fuck any one of them, and we both know I don't. Why? Because I would rather come on here and make my intentions known. Why else would an attractive woman like me need to use a personal ad?
4. I'm looking for an intelligent, respectful gentleman who will take me seriously. Check out this picture of my tits!
5. I've never done this before! TEE-HEE! Surrrrrrre.
6. Here I am again. I'm still looking. I mean, I know that you guys are tired of looking at my big, swollen, greasy face and bulging eyes, and a search back 2 or 3 days or 6 or 10 months would produce my ads over and over, but, hey! How's it goin? I'm looking for that special someone. Surely I'm not going to cling to you like a bad case of fleas if you give me the slightest bit of attention or anything.... See you later... when I post this same ad again in a few hours.
7. I am an intellectual. You can tell this, of course, because my ad is horribly verbose.
8. I am very well educated, professional, and as you can see from my picture, stunningly attractive. I'm from London but am currently in Los Angeles. I will be coming to <insert your home town here> in a few days and I'm looking for someone. Of course, there's NOTHING fishy about any of this.
9. I know that marriage should probably come well AFTER spending time getting to know you, but I REALLY want to get married ASAP.... Of course, there's NOTHING fishy about any of this.
10. Hi, guys! I'm 36! (The picture depicts someone old enough to be my mother, and I'm 33).
11. Hi, guys! I'm curvy! (The picture depicts either someone who is morbidly obese, or a closeup pic of a girl's eye so you can't tell that she is morbidly obese).
12. Craigslist puts a little yellow "pic" label next to ads with pictures in them. I realize that a lot of people just go through and click the ads with pictures in them, so here's a postage stamp sized picture of a landscape, or Garfield, or a picture from a movie, or some clip art of a heart, or some generic picture of two champagne glasses, etc. to get you to look at my ad
13. "18F seeking professional male." Yeah, okay, KID. Find me a professional male your own age and then we'll see if that's a reasonable expectation. Oh, of course, I assume that you're pulling in 50k+ as a 18 year old university grad yourself, right? Call me when you're old enough to drink, then we'll talk about my resume, gold digging brat.
14. HI! I M LUKING 4 A NICE GUY 2 HANG WIT WAT IS GUD LUKING AND WUD LIKE 2 HANG WIT ME ON NEWYEARZ 4 SUM 420. HOLLA BACK.
15. U need 2 b vary smart and have a good sence of humer.
16. Keeping in mind the notion of putting one's best foot forward, here is the BEST picture I could find of myself, which features a great shot of me in a skimpy little number looking coquettishly over my shoulder, showing off my huge, jiggly treetrunk calves, vericose veins, furry yellow teeth, back acne, shiny oil-soaked face, sloppy Courtney Love makeup, messy hair, and giant ass. I'm like one of those intricately detailed closeup stills on Ren and Stimpy made to emphasize how gross something is, except in the flesh.
17. Keeping in mind the notion of putting one's best foot forward, here's a picture of me back when I was in college and looked really hot, you know, back about eight years, before I gained 85 pounds, had three kids, lost my front teeth, and had massive skin grafts after that freak cotton candy machine accident.
18. I'm looking for a guy who is interesting. Of course, I don't give even the slightest hint as to what my interests are. You could be an astrophysicist magician rock musician hang-glider and standup comic, and I might find all of those things really interesting... or really stupid and boring. BE INTERESTING! What's "interesting" to me is for you to just GUESS at.
19. "Hi, my name is Jenny!" (Picture of attractive blonde girl) Next ad: "Hi, my name is Belinda!" (Picture of the exact same fucking girl) Next ad: Hi, my name is Cassie! (Picture of the exact same fucking girl) This goes on and on, and every one of these ads is written as though it came out of a guide to socially engineering nerds. "I am shy, looking for a sweet guy who is open to trying new things." A nerd reads this as, "You're a shy geek, but I want to blow you." Could it be any more obvious that this shit is fake?
20. "I'm looking for a respectful gentleman who understands how to treat a lady." The picture shows a horrible swamp monster who is obviously tired of being used as the last ditch beer goggle "wet hole for fucking." The kind of woman who gets laid not because she's loved or lusted after, but because guys figure "Meh, I probably can, and, I'm horny, and my friends aren't here to laugh at me, so I might as well."
21. Hi. I'm looking for a baby. I really, really, really, really want a baby. Do you want a baby? I hope you do, because I want a baby, and also a baby. The guy I'm looking for should be honest, fatherly, professional, fatherly, family oriented, and family-fatherly-minded. He should also have lots of sperm to make babies with. I am kind, motherly, honest, family oriented, nuturing, maternal, and have viable ova which I want to turn into babies with the help of your sperm. I have a vast vacant, empty, lonely space in my life that can only be filled by you, and by you, I mean the vacant space can only be filled by a baby, or many babies, and you're going to help me fill that vacant space with fucking assloads of babies like I'm a mother mouse or some shit. That whole "getting to know you" and "falling in love" shit is of secondary concern, if that. All I want is babies. Gimme. Oh, and I know you clicked on this ad because it had "pic" next to it, and you wanted to see what I look like, but it's just a picture of a baby. Awww, look at the little baby in the picture. When I see that picture with the cute little baby I just want to hold it and care for it, and then I cry and cry and cry and wail for hours until the neighbors call the paramedics because they think I'm dying.
22. The person I am looking for should make at least a 6 figure income, more than 6 figures preferably. You should also be extremely good looking, physically fit, and should not smoke, drink or use any drugs. You must be disease free, and I expect proof from a doctor before I will even email you back. You should also have a good eye for fashion and be unable to imagine yourself wearing anything non-high-end designer label. Only cheap whores wear gold. I only wear platinum, and I expect to get a lot of it, frequently, whether it's my birthday, Valentines Day, or just a random Tuesday. The salepeople at Tiffany should know you by name. I get diamonds about twice as often as you get sex, and I like to fuck often, so you'd better come through, comprende? I am a vegetarian and will not date someone who is not a vegetarian. You should also be a professional musician and artist, with actual awards, exhibits and accolades, be a great conversationalist, and preferably in Mensa. Your penis should be a bare minimum of 8.5 inches long and you must be able to have sex for at least 4 hours at a time in positions that only an olympic gymnast could manage. You should also be 6'2"+, blonde, with pale green eyes and be between ages 26 and 28. You should also have no allergies, no congenital problems such as asthma, etc. You also need to have flawless skin and perfect straight teeth with no fillings. No divorcees. I move a lot and you must be willing to quit your job and relocate internationally on a few days notice perhaps several times per year. You must already be fluent in English, French, Spanish, German, Russian, Turkish, Urdu, Japanese, Cantonese, Korean, Tagalog, Portuguese, Swedish, Swahili, Indonesian and Dutch, and be able to learn other new languages as we move from country to country. I generally end up meeting strange men in the countries I relocate to and have trysts with them. You must not have any hangups about this, however, you will not be involved in these trysts even to watch, and will not be permitted to have sex with people other than me. Of course, all of these requirements are pretty laughable and ironic considering the fact that ONLY SOMEONE WHO IS FAR TOO DESPERATE TO PICK AND CHOOSE WOULD RESORT TO THE ULTIMATE LAST DITCH OF DATING FAILURE KNOWN AS CRAIGSLIST.
Bands that form and are fairly unsuccessful until several years later they score some hit that catches people's attention and then develop a fanbase. They do a couple of albums which do pretty well, then they get greedy and rerelease their early shit that sucked balls as though it's some sort of awesome underrated relic that will give their fans a glimpse into the band's colorful past. Occasionally these are good, but 99% of the time these "rare unreleased" tracks simply blow and only give their fans a glimpse into why it took the band 5 years to break into the big time.
Media companies that sit on copyrights for media that they have no apparent intention on ever publishing. For instance, if you distribute Upright Citizens Brigade seasons 2 and 3, or David Lynch's "Eraserhead" or "Lost Highway," that is illegal. However, if you are holding your breath for them to release them on legitimate DVD's, you will die. I'm not really advocating piracy here, as if they released them I would be the first one in line to buy a copy, but it'll never happen.
People who are STILL bitching about how much the Playstation 3 costs as though it's novel. "DAMN! Can you believe that thing costs 600 bucks?" "Holy shit! Someone is selling a PS3 on Ebay for 7 grand!" No shit they are. Let's get down to brass tacks here. The reason it's going for 7 grand is because somewhere out there are these freakish ubergeeks who make an exorbitant amount of money at some tech job and they have the perfect combo: lots of spare income and nothing meaningful to spend it on. OF COURSE the price on Ebay is high. How could it not be when you have a zillion obsessed geeks who see videogaming as the central focus of their lives? That's what Ebay does - it puts a bunch of people who want to win no matter the cost in a ring and lets them act like idiots. Of course, they COULD sit back and wait until after Christmas and easily grab one for retail, but NO! They have to be the first one to play these brand new games that are getting "kinda okay I guess" reviews from gaming sites. More to the point though, you geeks need to shut up about this bullshit. "PS3 is expensive" has become the new "How about those Mets" among geeks. Why not talk about the weather? Why not talk about some random celebrity scandal that's on the front cover of all those shitty gossip magazines? "PS3 is expensive" is just as fucking inane and hackneyed. Shut up. "Can you believe how much the PS3 costs?" Fuck you. Don't give a shit. Move along.
Guys who cheer or yell while they are filming a skateboard video. Yeah, the trick was sick, but shut the fuck up. What happens is they cut and edit the video so it's a big long stream of 6 seconds clips of single tricks in rapid succession. The end result is that it sounds like this. "Shhhhhhh click WOOO! Shhhhhhh click... clopWOOOO! Shhhhh clickclackYEAH! Shhhhhh clackOHHHHHH!!!! Shhhhh click... clopWOOOO! Shhhhh cli-clopWOOO! Shhhhhh tick... ca-clopYEAH! Shhhhh ClickWOOO!.. clopYEAHHH!" Stick a cork in it, cheerleader. I'm watching a skate video to see something exciting, and no, I don't find you sucking the guy's dick exciting, so knock it off.
"I would like a Whopper with cheese." <-- Note the period at the end.
Long pause....
"The meal or just the sandwich?"
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK? WHAT DID I ASK FOR? Did I ASK for the meal? Did I say "NUMBER TWO, PLEASE"? Did I mumble "uhhhwiththefriesandcoke" under my breath? No. No I did not. So you tell me, do I want the meal or just the sandwich? They ask me that question literally EVERY TIME I go to McDonalds or Burger King. Holy fuck! Enjoy working for minimum wage until you die, burgerslave.
More on this concept, why the fuck do cashiers at every store on the planet ask, "Will that be all?" as they're ringing you up? I can't remember once in my life that a cashier asked me that and I actually stopped and thought, "Hmmmm... IS that all? Hmmmmm.... Actually... I forgot Milk and I just remembered that I'm out of shaving cream and shampoo is running low. Also, I think I only have one roll of toilet paper left... and CRAP! I didn't get any bread. Hmmmm... bread, bread, bread... what else? OH! I need mayo too... OH! and mustard! I sure am glad she said something or I would have been fucked. Looks like I have some shopping to do." If I do remember that I forgot to get something, it usually happens as soon as I open the door to my apartment, despite the fact that the cashier always asks if I'm getting anything else. Look. I do appreciate that you're trying to be more customer-servicey or something by asking, and that's somewhat commendable considering that I know you really aren't paid enough that people should expect careful attention to their needs, much less enthusiasm, but seriously, when you ask, "Will that be all," nobody is listening to you. It's like the screen that pops up when you hit "print" in Word. Nobody really looks at it, they just click through. You honestly aren't helping anyone by asking that, so just ring us up, maybe say thank you, and keep the line moving..
More on not listening. Today I went to McDonalds for breakfast.
"I would like a hot-cakes with sausage and two milks." Is that clear enough? I think so. There's really no clearer way I can think of to say it.
"That will be $7.22."
"What? That's not right." The girl looks over her shoulder at the menu board and then fidgets with the computer as though she is a 90 year old woman trying to figure out how to use Linux. She comes up with the same total again and I repeat my order to her. She looks at me the way a dog does when it hears a sound it doesn't understand. The manager is behind her and I motion to get her attention. The manager comes over and the cashier starts mumbling to her. Assuming that she's fucking up my order to the manager, so the manager will in turn continue along the same order-fucking-up path, I interject. "All I want is hotcakes with sausage and two milks." The manager then rings up the correct amount, I pay, and they walk away. The cashier then goes to the back counter to pick up my food. Assuming that it's going to come out right this time, I start fidgeting with my iPod. A couple of minutes later the girl returns to the counter with a tray. On the tray are hotcakes (no sausage), an egg McMuffin, a hashbrown, a cup of coffee, an orange juice, and what I'm assuming she thought I meant by two milks: two coffee creamers.
Dane Cook and anyone who thinks he is the most amazing comedian ever. The only people who think this are, in general, not interested in comedy and do not have a wide exposure to different comedians, and pretty much are only familiar with Dane Cook because he's marketed as some sort of pretty-boy rock star. It's like thinking Olive Garden is the best Italian food around because you don't know any better because you've never eaten any italian food except Olive Garden and Spaghettios. I think this YMNTD accurately sums up most of what needs to be said about Dane Cook and his retarded fans http://danecookgenius.ytmnd.com/ . It is somewhat lenient on him, as it doesn't really go into the fact that he often blatantly plagiarizes other comedians (in this case Louis CK), or that his idiotic fans don't even care that he plagiarizes. I guess that's what happens when 80% of your fanbase is 15 year old girls who like you because you're "cute," and listen to Britney Spears and Beyonce and all that other stupid shit where the "artist" had nothing to do with the writing or production of their own music.
People who oversimplify their explanations of things that everyone perceives differently. For instance, I have heard and read in several places that dreaming is just the brain recalling and cataloguing the events of the previous day. Gee, that's odd. I was pretty busy yesterday, but I would think that if I visited a high school girlfriend, who of course still lives in the same house that she did 16 years ago, and had sex with her as she started morphing into this quasi-human being covered in drippy orifices with weird spaghetti-like arms, and then suddenly her house turned into the house where I grew up and then a headless zombie appeared and ran down the hall at me and I escaped by levitating and flying out the window and over the house as the neighborhood below turned into a dense forest whose floor was teeming with zombies like army ants, I would have remembered it.
Asshole Ebay sellers who don't leave you feedback until you leave them feedback. Let me explain something that I think should be pretty basic. I have paid in a prompt manner by an approved method and have given you my address and any other applicable information you need... MY OBLIGATION IS DONE. GIVE ME POSITIVE FEEDBACK. I AM A GOOD CUSTOMER. It is now YOUR responsibility to get me my crap in a reasonable amount of time in good working order. If you succeed in this, you will get good feedback. That's how it works. Instead, there are all these assholes who won't leave me feedback until they see if I said THEY were wonderful people. If I pay you promptly, and a month goes by and I haven't received my stuff, and then I complain by email that it hasn't arrived, and they are rude about it or ignore the emails, and a while later it arrives poorly packed in a million little broken pieces, and I leave feedback saying so, that is not their turn to say I was an awful customer. FUCK YOU. If you can't be bothered to actually do a good job as a seller, then don't fucking get into it, and don't expect people to say you're awesome if you suck.
More Ebay assholes. Look. If you're bothering to list something on Ebay, then fucking ship it quickly. Quickly means today or the next business day, not two weeks from now, a month from now, whatever. If I win an auction and pay immediately via Paypal, and I don't receive the item for 3-4 weeks, that's bullshit. Sometimes I win an auction and receive the goods in 2-3 days, even large items, so why the fuck does it take some fuckers nearly a month to get something to me? I am currently waiting on an item that is about the size of a cell phone. It is now the 22nd and I won the item on the 2nd. WHY DO I NOT HAVE IT? It's not like I didn't pay for shipping. Did they send it by pony express? Is there some asshole pulling a rickshaw? I should have had it by the 6th or 7th even if the guy had shipped it via snail-mail. I have a good idea of what actually happened. The guy who sold me the item views Ebay in much the same way I view my webpage. I enjoy it, but I do it when I feel like it. After he's done scratching his balls and catching up on all the recorded episodes of some dogshit like "Lost" on his Tivo, he brushes the cheeto crumbs off his shirt, looks at Ebay for a second, counts his money, looks at the pile of shit that he's selling... and then takes a nap. I remember one time like 6 weeks went by and I sent the guy a ton of emails. He had the nerve to tell me to "hold my horses" because he had gone on vacation. Oh, that's interesting... see because when you're going on vacation, you know in advance. If I'm setting up an auction to be over in a week, and I know on the 3rd or 4th day of the auction I'm going on vacation for a month... then MAYBE I should wait to start the auction when I get back. WHAT A FUCKING CONCEPT! IMAGINE THAT! People who pay you money for something... WANT TO GET THE THING THEY PAID YOU FOR! Who would have guessed?
XXL shirts that become M shirts after the first wash.
Amazon retardation a-go-go. Last week the new expansion came out for Final Fantasy Online. I pre-ordered it on Amazon. The release date was April 17. I selected two day shipping. April 19th the thing did not arrive. April 20 went by... April 21... April 22... At this point I was pissed off that I had selected and paid for two day shipping when I could have just gone to a store and bought it. So I go to my account to check the shipping status. The thing said "This order has not shipped yet. Delivery Estimate: April 19." Uhhhh... So it hasn't shipped as of April 22, but should arrive April 19th... I guess they're going to bring it to me in their TIME MACHINE. I cancelled the order and just went out to the store to buy it. (In keeping with how I hardly ever find what I'm looking for when shopping, I found it at the fourth video game store I went to, and they had it hidden in a drawer behind the counter.)
Celebrities who are OBVIOUSLY gay who then create a media stir by coming out of the closet. This week, Lance Bass of 'N Sync came out of the closet publicly.... Uhhh... NO SHIT? Gee. I had him pegged as a huge womanizer. Seriously, does it surprise anyone ANYWHERE that Lance Bass, Ellen DeGeneres or Rosie O'Donnell aren't heterosexual? Really? Anyone? Front cover of several of those stupid celebrity worship magazines this week: "Lance Bass is gay." WELL NO SHIT HE'S GAY. He could even get married to some hot chick and everyone would still think he's gay. Did anyone over age 12 NOT think he was gay before he said so? No. SO WHY IS THIS NEWS? "Today the Pope revealed, to the surprise of everyone, that he is, in fact, Catholic." Actually that might be a bad analogy, as Lance Bass is far more gay than the Pope is Catholic. .
Even more retarded shopping bullshit.
Tonight, my kitchen forgot to order dinner rolls for a banquet we were doing for 40 people. I had one hour to find rolls. I thought, "No problem. Lower Manhattan has like a million bakeries and snooty upscale grocery stores." So off I went in search of bread. I went to FIVE bakeries. Three of them seemed to not even know what the fuck a dinner roll WAS.
"Do you have dinner rolls?"
"Uhhhhhh..." the girl looks at me as though I have three heads.
"You know, like small rolls."
*stare stare*
"Like bread... rolls.... about this size... Dinner rolls." I use my hands to demonstrate the size and shape.
"Uhhhh... hang on..." She gets someone from the other counter to come over.
"How can I help you?"
"Do you have dinner rolls?" She looks completely baffled.
How in the FUCK could these retards work IN A BAKERY and have NO CLUE WHAT THE HELL I WANT? Seriously, you work in a fucking bakery, and nobody has ever used the phrase "dinner roll" in your presence EVER?
It's like going to a mechanic to get new tires. "I need to get new tires.... You know... tires... Goodyear... Uhhh.. Michellin.... Dunlop? Firestone doesn't ring a bell? The black rubber things that go on the wheels that are filled with air..... They have like, treads on them to grip the road... No, not a pineapple."
The other two bakeries had dinner rolls and knew immediately what I was talking about... and together, these two bakeries had a grand total of SEVEN dinner rolls.
When I asked if they knew of anywhere that they might have rolls, four of the five bakeries apparently had no idea that any other bakeries even existed and the employees looked totally bewildered that I would even ask. The fifth place directed me to a grocery store that they said had dinner rolls. It did not. In the end, I bought a bunch of long Italian bread and made it back to work in time to quickly slice it into portions as the people were walking in the goddamn door.
The fact that America thinks it can expect a great future when we pay teachers what a halfway decent waiter makes.
So... the neighbor above me apparently got some kind of keyboard recently. However, apparently things like rhythm and melody were not included in the deal. If you could imagine someone in a persistent vegetative state whose arms flail randomly having someone put their hands on a keyboard and then just letting them go for hours at a time, you would have a pretty accurate idea of the sound. Doooooooo .... doodly-oooo.... plink plinkity doooooooooooo DOODLY...... plink plink plink doooooooooooooo PLINK doodly plinkity doooooooooooooooooo doot doot DOOT doot plink plinkety doooooooo.....
IDM artists (Intelligent Dance Music, for those who don't know. Check out some Plaid, Boards of Canada, etc.) who think the general idea behind IDM is making music that is as disorganized, sloppy and incoherent as possible. five tempo changes in 10 seconds? SURE, why not? An entire song of nothing but bass drum samples being sped up to a grating buzz and slowed down to a trudging crawl with no attention paid to rhythm whatsoever? AWESOME! Throwing pots and pans down the stairs for an extended 18 minute track? GENIUS! Let me explain something. Look at the name. Intelligent Dance Music. What do ANY of those words have to do with your annoying gibberish? It's not intelligent because any deaf asshole could make it sound just as bad as you do without even thinking about what he's doing. Music with no rhythm can't really be danced to, and if it has no rhythm, melody or even patterns, then it's not even fucking music.
Magazines and Newspapers that seem to exist in some kind of time bubble and are filled with articles that are too little - too late. Like you'll pick up a September 2006 newspaper and find an article that says, "MP3's have Music Companies Hopping Mad. MP3 is a way that people on the internet often share music files with each other. This is illegal and the music publishing companies are up in arms. Apparently they even have whole networks solely devoted to the distribution of illegal copies of music in this MP3 format. Once downloaded (the process of bringing files from the internet into one's own computer) these MP3 files can be listened to on the user's computer or transferred to a walkman-like device, the most popular being Apple Computer's 'iPod.'"
People who actually need ultra-basic explanations of things like the one above.
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See that dot above? That is an actual size picture of the MIND OF MENCIA. Side note: Would it be too much to ask to see a promo picture of him NOT making a facial expression that looks like he's sucking a huge invisible cock?
I think the podcast Keith and the Girl summed it up best: "Carlos Mencia is a crime against comedy."
Pathological liars part two:
There's this guy I work with. He's a waiter, and I know what he's paid and it's fair to say he is not raking in the dough. He is also pretty average looking at best and still has some pretty bad acne despite being in his early 30's and is still trying to grow his hair semi-long despite the gradual beginnings of front and back male pattern baldness, which looks goofy. One day we're getting out early and he's happy because that gives him time to go shopping.
"Time to hit the old Armani Exchange."
"That's kinda steep, don't you think?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it just seems that shopping at a place like that would require a lot of disposable income."
"Nah, all my shit is Armani, Prada, Gucci... These shoes cost like 600 bucks."
"Well, if that's what you want to spend your money on."
"Oh. I don't PAY for that stuff. Women buy it FOR me. You think I buy it myself?"
"Uhh.. Okay..."
"In fact my whole apartment is furnished with stuff women have bought me."
"Yeah... so... uhh.."
"Yeah, I'm just like, 'Buy me this,' and they're like 'Okay.'"
At that point I just smiled, nodded and walked away, because the other option was screaming in his face, "YOU'RE FUCKING FULL OF SHIT," and that probably would have made things tense in the workplace.
Oh, and today he did it again. He was looking at some napkins that we got at Pottery Barn for a dinner party. Pottery Barn is this place that sells stupid shit for retarded prices. If you're looking for a place where you can spend 150 bucks on a six inch tall, plain, cream colored candle, that's the place to go. Each napkin was 9 bucks. Apparently Jesus Christ is in the napkin making business now or something.
"These are nice. I should get some."
"Dude, don't shop at Pottery Barn. That place is for millionaires who need a place to waste their money."
"It's not MY money. Women take care of me."
"Yeah, yeah.... So anyway..."
"Seriously, I just point, and they buy it."
"YEAH, YEAH, SO ANYWAY..."
The ONLY way I can even wrap my head around the idea that this could possibly be true is if he's lowered himself to turning tricks for one of those fat old swamp monsters on Craigslist.
So... I seem to be getting less junk emails asking if I want a bigger penis. They must have heard. However, the latest trend is that I get about 4-6 emails a day asking me if I want to increase the amount of semen I ejaculate. Uhhh... WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT THAT? I mean, if I shot AIR then maybe I would want to bust bigger loads, but what the hell. Seriously though. Let's say, hypothetically, that someone made a drug that doubled the amount of spooge you unloaded when you came. Now, I know that spooging a fair amount, or even quite a bit can be somewhat impressive, depending on your audience. However, if you're the kind of retard that sends money to everyone who sends you spam, you're probably the kind of retard who hasn't fucked a woman since Clinton's first term, and I know that Bounty is the quicker picker upper and all, but why are you trying to increase how much of it you're going to use? I doubt that any of this extra man chowder is actually going to end up sprayed over some chick's face and tits, so why fucking bother?
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I've had it with this motherfucking hype for this motherfucking B movie!
Retards who think that "Idea" and "Ideal" are the same word.
People who speak AS they are thinking of what they are going to say, as though they think of a sentence one word at a time and they are never more than half a word ahead of what they are saying. S, s, so, so they end, uhh, end, end, uhhh, end up spea, spea, speak, speaking, uhhh, luh, luh, uhhh, luh, uhhh, likelikelike this, like this. Note that this isn't the same thing as stuttering. What really pisses me off is when these people end up in public office or some other position where, where, where, where they are, are, uhhh, expec- uhhh expected to, uhh... spea- uhhh speak pub, pub, publicly.
Single assholes who say things like, "Man! It's been a long time since i had sex. It's been like... hmmm.... almost THREE WEEKS! Wow, I didn't realize how long it's been." Seriously just get aids please.
Overt, over-the-top, ridiculous ass-kissers. "Hey, I just wanted to say, when you wrote me up for not doing my job right, that was really good. I mean, you know what this business needs better than I do and I'm excited to be a part of what we're doing here and anything you can suggest so I can do a better job is awesome, because I really want your honest opinion so I can develop. I always want to push myself to do the best job possible, so it's good for me when you recognize something I could do better. Anytime you see something I could improve on, I want you to tell me. Really. Thanks. I mean that, because you do an amazing job here and I just hope that I can live up to your expectations. Thanks, seriously." Okay, my first suggestion on behavior to alter: SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I PUKE.
People who write on online help forums or help columns with some problem that they have to KNOW is fucked up, asking if it's normal or requesting down-to-earth solutions.
"My dad and I have been having sex for a long time. The first time was when I was nine and I'm now 22 and we're still having sex about 5-6 times a day. Recently, my dad contracted genital herpes from his male lover, Scott, who lives with us by the way, and passed it to me. This is really troublesome because I don't want to pass it to the baby I'm carrying, and to prevent this I thought about having the baby delivered by c-section, but my dad says if I scar up my pretty belly he will kill me. He also said he would kill me if I even thought about aborting, because abortion is a sin. I've had two other babies with my dad, but I think this baby is Scott's anyway because he came inside me on several occasions when the three of us were having sex. What should I do?"
Hmmm... My advice? Well, the first thing that comes to mind is kill yourself.
Videogames that you seriously can't accomplish anything in unless you read a guide because the puzzles are so absurdly convoluted that there's no way you would ever randomly figure them out by yourself.
"To advance to rank 5, you must defeat Zanbar the Howlhearted. To find him, first you must go to The Jungle of Solitude on Velba Island at position G-4 about 1 hour game time before sunrise and examine the flutewood tree in that area. A dew drop appears about once every 4-5 game days called the Siren's Dewdrop. Get this and then you must go to Salma's Mire to position H-12. You will see a blue flower there. Place a Siren's Dewdrop on the flower and a Marrow Worm will appear. The Marrow Worm is a lottery pop, and only the red marrow worm will drop the "Ghostly Flint Stone" item you need. Usually the worm will pop blue and will ingest all Siren's Dewdrops in your inventory, which means you will have to go back and get more in order to try again to pop the red Marrow Worm. Once you pop the red marrow worm, keep your fingers crossed because the Ghostly Flint Stone only drops about once out of every 30-40 kills. Once you get your Ghostly Flint Stone, you're going to need to find fuel for your fire. You will need to fight an Arch-Lich type monster called the Forlorn Woodsman, which appears somewhere between B-2 and F-23 in Misery Wood. He only appears at night and will disappear and not reappear until the next game day if he detects you before you engage him. To prevent him from detecting you, you need to go to Hunter's Valley and find a small pool that only forms when it is raining at F-17. When it rains, collect some "Masking Mud" which you will use as camoflage. Once you have the masking mud, go to Misery Wood at night and apply the mud. If you see the Forlorn Woodsman, be very careful to only approach from the rear, as you are still semi-visible with the mud on. Defeat the Forlorn Woodsman and hopefully he will drop the Unearthly Hatchet. It's about a 15% drop rate. If it doesn't drop you will need to get more mud for camouflage and come back in five game days and try again. Once you have your Unearthly Hatchet, go to Arieth's Grove in the Forest of Souls at position M-11. When the moon is full (moon cycle is 28 days game time) at midnight an "Ethereal Spruce" will appear. Use the Unearthly Hatchet to cut some wood from the tree. You will need 6 Ethereal Spruce Logs to keep your fire burning for the needed amount of time, and usually you can get 2-3 logs before the Unearthly Hatchet breaks, so you will probably need to kill the Forlorn Woodsman many times to get enough hatchets to get enough logs. Once you have your 6 Ethereal Spruce Logs, head to the Gribnox Desert. Around position M-14 you will see a small rock with a dark indentation in the top. On March 22 of every game year there is an eclipse. As soon as the eclipse starts, start your fire in the dark indentation. You will need to keep the fire burning for three days, so be careful to add another Ethereal Spruce Log every 12 game hours after starting the fire or it will go out. If you let the fire go out, you will need to start all over and collect all the items again and wait another full game year for the next eclipse. At the end of three days, if you have kept the fire going, Zanbar's agent will arrive and there will be a cutscene. The trick now is to bribe him so he will set up a meeting between you and Zanbar the Howlhearted. Trade him gold to bribe him. This part is tricky. The amount at first glance appears to be random. If you trade him too much, he will figure you have loads of money and he will attack you. If he kills you, he will get all your money. If you kill him, obviously he can't arrange the meeting. If you trade him too little, he will set up the meeting, but he will tip off Zanbar and Zanbar will arrive at the meeting with his agent and 12 of his elite guards, and you won't stand a chance. If you trade him the correct amount of gold, he will arrange the meeting and Zanbar will arrive alone. To determine the correct amount of money, you must follow the following formula. The day should be March 25, so first multiply 3 by 25. 75. Use the status menu to bring up the current percentage of the moon phase. For instance if it is a 65% gibbous moon, you add 65% to your total. Multiply 75 by 1.65, which would give you 123.75. ALWAYS round up, so that gives you 124. Each day of the week has a numerical value: Monday 10, Tuesday 20, Wednesday 30, Thursday 40, Friday is also 10 - don't ask why, Saturday is 50 and Sunday is 60. Multiply your total by the day's value. So if the current day is Saturday, the total so far is 6200. Then you add the current real calendar year to the total, so in 2006 the total now would be 8206. Now subtract the current game year. So if the current game year is 1265, the new total is 6941. For even numbered game years add 20. Hopefully you will do this right or you're pretty much screwed. Of course, we would have never found this formula out, but one of my friends is friends with a GM in the game and he leaked the info. Once you trade the agent the correct amount of money, head to Raptormaw Chasm at position E-12 at night. Arrive early and go to the southeast corner. There you will find a little nook in the chasm wall that will be in shadow once night starts. Zanbar usually arrives between 10pm and 1am game time. When he arrives, you will only have a few seconds to hit him with the Dart of Drythroat and silence him. If you do not do this right away, he will cast buff spells on himself that will cause the silence effect of the dart to be resisted, and also he will start looking around for you and will spot you and start casting really bad lightning magic on you, and you will not win. Also, you will want to have your throwing skill capped for this, as it is very hard to hit him with the dart, and if it misses he will kill you and you will have to go all the way back to the beginning. (To obtain the Dart of Drythroat, go to position J-12 in the Steelmolt Volcano and defeat a Scorpion type monster called The Keeper of Steelmolt. Drop rate is about 12%, and the Keeper has a repop time of 21-24 hours realtime.) Once you hit him with the dart and silence him, immediately attack him hard. The fight is a lot easier once you have silenced him but it is still very hard. Start your attack on his left side so you can break his shield. His shield has a reflect damage enchantment on it, so you will need to have lots of health potions on hand or you will end up just killing yourself. Once you break the shield, attack his legs. They are heavily armored, so you will need an axe or great sword or you won't do damage to the armor. Once you have broken through his leg armor and injured his legs, he won't be able to run as fast. Be careful, because at this point the silence spell will be wearing off. Once he's slowed, you will need to finish him by kiting him and using ranged attacks. If you get in his magic casting range, forget it, you're dead, so you need to stay ahead of him which is hard, because even when he's slowed he can run almost as fast as you can. If you lose this fight, you will have to do everything again. It took me six tries to beat him. Once you beat him, take his signet ring to the Duke of Hammerfell and receive your reward. Congratulations! You're rank 5!"
Yeah, I'm sure an actual human would just figure that out by themselves. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but uhh, isn't using the guide to figure out quests CHEATING? Aren't quests in the game to make it challenging? Let me clarify something. "Challenging" doesn't mean "There is no way in hell anyone will ever figure this out without reading a guide."
The day after I wrote this, I was playing Final Fantasy XII, and I was stuck so I checked a forum for tips. A header caught my eye. "Want the most powerful weapon in the game?" Of course, I had to click. The weapon is the Zodiac Spear. It is acquired late in the game. The CATCH is that it will only appear if you do not open any of four specific coffers. These coffers are, of course, in really out-in-the-open places that you pass by very early in the game. Basically, unless you have a guide in front of you telling you which ones not to open, you will open them without even thinking. I know for a fact I opened at least two of them, and of course, even opening one of them will prevent you from ever getting the spear. So now I look at my level 39 party with pretty sweet gear, well planned gambits, ever-filling ability and spell lists, and 30-some hours of play time and think... "Fuck you, SE." So now I can either just keep pushing forward in the game, knowing that I will never get its best weapon, OR I can go back and level up and treasure hunt and stab myself in the face with a soldering iron, the last of which being perhaps the least painful part.
People whose main interest as an online presence is making money when their site is entertainment based. I understand that you want to make money, but if you make a webcomic, flash animation, podcast, video site, etc.... WHY NOT DO IT FOR FUN? Why not do it because you have something to say? Is your main goal in making a website to have people buy your Cafe Press T-shirts? I know it's not mine. I think I've sold 3 T-shirts in the whole time that I've had designs on there, and they are priced so I don't even make a profit. I'll be listening to some podcast and every 5 minutes someone mentions their "store" page or their "donate" button. SHUT UP. If you're unspeakably awesome, I might go looking around your page to see if you have any t-shirts or stickers or shit, but I'm sure as fuck not going to go looking for it because, "hey, they said I should buy something from their store." Just be funny, not greedy.
People at work who have truly "drunk the Kool-Aid." You know these guys. They're EXCITED to be there. They have pep and enthusiasm and DRIVE. Now, I'm not saying it's dumb to enjoy what you do for a living, but let's say you work at a popsicle stick factory. That's ALL they make. They turn lumber into popsicle sticks. You will have that one dick who's not even a manager who wants YOUR popsicle stick company to be the very BEST popsicle stick company anywhere. He follows popsicle stick market trends. He's deeply interested when the industry tries using different materials or methods to make the popsicle sticks. He follows new technology that will be able to make popsicle sticks better and faster. He is happy to come in over the weekend, not to get the overtime, or even to kiss the boss' ass, but because being the best takes hard work and dedication, and for his popsicle stick company to be the industry leader requires sacrifice. When the company gets a new contract from some popsicle factory to provide them with sticks, he is happy, not happy because he might get a raise, more job security, hours or other direct benefits, but happy because, "this company," he says as his eyes well up with tears, "is the best damn popsicle stick company ever, and we're gonna show them all." You'll be eating lunch and this guy sits near you and starts talking. You think he's going to talk about sports or TV or some movie he saw, BUT NO. "I am really happy that we switched to Colorado Blue Spruce wood. Before we were using Scots Pine and I really didn't feel that it produced the kind of quality that we should be shooting for in terms of durability, flexibility and color and I felt that the pine was too prone to splintering and breakage. I know the Spruce costs a little more, but I think the end result warrants the expense, and also..." WHAT THE FUCK? Just STOP it. YOU MAKE POPSICLE STICKS. SHUT UP.
People who think that hitting high notes on a guitar is something you can only do if you have great skill, and guitarists who play up this myth by acting as though hitting these notes requires deep concentration to impress these laymen. Be sure to make lots of straining faces, guitar retards, despite the fact that hitting those high notes requires exactly the same skill, practice, strength and feeling as hitting any other note on the guitar.
The fact that people STILL make reference to that "priceless" series of Mastercard ads. Here. I'll kill the knockoffs by making, hopefully, the very last one.
Computer... 2000 dollars...
Web hosting... 70 dollars.
Dreamweaver... 259 dollars...
Sticking to the tried and true and never needing to come up with a single original thought and still getting laughs... Priceless.
People who play an online game or post on forums or whatever who want to use some totally unoriginal name, but someone else already registered it, so they fuck up the spelling in various ways until they find something unregistered, and then stick with it, like some MISSPELLED NAME that everyone will recognize as a misspelled name is awesome. For instance, if I was signing up for Final Fantasy Online, and wanted to use the name Sephiroth, and it returned the message that this name was not available, I would be like, "Well, fuck," then register something totally different, and maybe even (get this) ORIGINAL. Yet there they are. On my server alone, there is a Sephiroth, Sephiroith, Seph, Sephiroithe, Sephy, Sephzero, Lordsephiroth, Cephiroth, Sephirothhh, Sephnemesis, Zephiroth, Sephirothx, etc. etc. etc. It's hitting a point that when I finally see Schzephfiuroithe it's not going to surprise me at all. FUCK YOU. YOU DIDN'T GET IT. GET OVER IT.
Ebay idiots that engage in ridiculous bidding wars one day into a 7 day auction. Gee, thanks for making something that usually sells for 100 bucks sell for 350 bucks, shitheads. I mean, I get those email notices that I've been outbid too, but you don't HAVE to click that link and bid higher IMMEDIATELY.
Forum retards who think that simply saying "Fail" is the ultimate undefeatable rebuttal. They don't even offer any explanation or intelligent debate. They just say "Fail" as though they are rubber-stamping it with their ultimate authority.
ApocalypticCrouton: "I think the reason a lot of liberals are taking their votes elsewhere is that the Democratic Party has become a party of the middle-ground, and that they have not only lost their vision and spine, but are now just as bad as the Republicans because most of them are bought and sold by corporations and are just as pro-war, pro-war-on-drugs, pro-business, pro-globalization, pro-censorship, etc. as Republicans are."
VenomousPeanut: "This thread fails."
Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. Great game, right? Sure it was. I did enjoy playing it when mission-critical NPC's weren't falling off bridges or getting eaten by monsters in the woods, but there was a problem. The problem I had with it was that it ran out of content too fast. Add to that the fact that you could literally beat the game at level 1. When you rest, you level up. If you never rest, you never level up. The problem with that is that the challenge level rises as you level up. So if you stay level 1, even the boss fights are easy as shit. Seriously though, it's a fucking RPG. In an RPG you shouldn't be out of things to accomplish in under a week. I played it for about a month and had probably completed everything there was to accomplish, including capping all my combat/magic skills. I mean, as I look at my 3 year old FFXI character that still has lots of room to grow, maybe it's a good thing that Oblivion was too quick and easy to trounce, but it was a neat game and I wish there was more to do. I played Morrowind too, and after months I was still finding new places and capping skills. I had hoped Oblivion would dwarf Morrowind in scale, and on the graphics/physics end it did, but if I turned it on today I'd probably just run around annihilating npc's and guards and seeing how high I could raise my bounty.
Electronic forms that do not recognize information that IS CORRECT. For instance, let's say you live on a street where the address numbers are listed as "22-45 Blahblahblah Street." You go online to order something, and you fill in your CORRECT address. When you hit the "submit" button, you are directed to a page that looks like the page you just filled out, except there is a big red exclamation point next to your address that says "THIS IS NOT A VALID ADDRESS." Uhhh.. THE FUCK IT ISN'T, FUCKTARDS. See, if the person put in "2245 Blahblahblah Street," your fucking page would recognize it as a valid address, BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE "2245" is WRONG. Maybe... just maybe the mail-man can figure out that 2245 is your address. But uhh, instead of the mail man having to FIGURE IT OUT, maybe it would be a lot simpler if you just RECORDED THE ADDRESS THE WAY THE PERSON FILLED IT IN. Chances are, if they're smart enough to fill out an online form, THEY'RE FUCKING SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW WHERE THEY LIVE.
People who call in to radio call-in shows and kiss ass and ramble for 3/4+ of the call or get so tongue tied that it takes them 100 fucking years for them to spit out what they called for.
"Hello, caller."
"Hey there......"
"What's up today?"
"Not much. Uhhhh..... What's up with you?"
"What can we help you with today?"
"Uhhhhhhh.... First off, I just wanted to say that I love the show. I've been a loyal listener for uhhhhhhh... about a year and think you all are doing an awesome job."
"Thanks..."
"Yeah, I really like the show...I'm from Minnesota."
"Did you have a question?"
"Yeah, I had a question for your guest."
"Shoot."
"Yeah, uhhhhh... I really liked your first book. It really kinda.... uhhh..... opened... uhhh... opened my eyes... kinda... y'know... like... it got me thinkin'... y'know?"
"Thanks..."
"Yeah, it was really good."
"... You want to ask me anything about it?"
"Yeah uhh... Are you writing a follow up?"
"What do you mean?"
"Like... is there gonna be a part two?"
"Well... I don't think I'm spoiling the ending, really, but this was a book about the Hindenburg, and it was totally destroyed and all its passengers killed... so... No, I don't think there's much more that can be said on the subject."
"Uhhhh.... So no sequel?"
"I don't really plan on making one, no. Pretty much all of the plot is resolved, or at least finished."
"Well, uhhh... Okay. Well.. Uhh... Great book."
"Thanks."
People who play MMORPG games and post to forums related to them who make signature files with pictures of their character with the very most ridiculously rare, expensive and amazing gear in the game... when they don't actually have it. Like, they'll use a model viewer program and put in all the models for the best gear in the game and then make a sig file picture with it. Their character is a level 12 summoner and their picture shows them wearing all level 75 equipment. Not only is it 75 gear, but it's gear that someone who has had a level 75 character for 3 years would still be unlikely to have. How about this. JUST MAKE AN IN-GAME SCREENSHOT OF YOUR ACTUAL CHARACTER, RETARDS. Oh.. but oh dear, oh dear. If you did that, you wouldn't have a picture of your character with the extremely rare and coveted Raptorfang's Demonic War-Cleaver of Soul Destruction. Yeah, EXACTLY.
Men who grow a Hitler mustache thinking that anyone could think it is anything but a fucking Hitler mustache. Sorry, idiots. That mustache was perhaps the most recognizable feature of the most hated person in the 20th century other than Bob Saget, and the only person who will come to mind whenever anyone sees your ridiculous little square of hair under your nose is fucking Hitler. I saw this middle-aged guy on the train today with one of these things and it made me want to slap him in the eyes. I mean, the guy is standing in front of his bathroom mirror in the morning SHAVING THE SIDES OF HIS MUSTACHE OFF. He KNOWS what he is doing. One of two things is going on. Either he's thinking, "Hell yeah. Now I look like fucking HITLER! Awesome!" or he's thinking,"Hmm. I wonder if this mustache makes me look like anyone in particular." If it's the former, he needs to have his ass kicked. If it's the latter he's too retarded to be allowed to handle a razor by himself because he might end up in the emergency room getting his nose reattached. Seriously. In 200 years, if you grow a square mustache under your nose, people will be like, "Why the fuck are you trying to look like Hitler?" It's not some unique look. It's not some old traditional fashion. It is, was, and forever will be a Hitler mustache, and that's fucking ALL it will EVER be.
Christians who don't understand why they don't get to laugh at the whole "Scientology is retarded" thing. Yeah... Thetans, The Galactic Confederacy, Engrams, E-meters, and Xenu are fake. Not like your REAL Heaven, Hell, God, Devil, Miracles, Angels, Jesus, Apocalypse, Adam and Eve, Noah's Ark, and so on and so on.
While I am totally not against comedians cursing, and in fact am a big fan of many comedians who are really obscene, comedians need to realize something. If you are not funny, cursing will not make you funny.
People who always want OTHER people to escalate whatever situation they're in in their lives. Like you'll be happily single, and they want you to try to meet someone. You're dating someone for a while and they want you to get married. You're married and they want you to have a baby. You have a baby and they want you to move out of your apartment and buy a house. You're in your house with your wife and baby, and they think it would be a grand idea for you to have ANOTHER baby. You're at a job making a comfortable living and they think you're totally wasting your time and that you could be making much more somewhere else... Whatever situation you're in, they want you to move it up a notch. MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS, SHITHEADS. I mean, I understand the idea of wanting your firiends to have happy lives, but if your friends ARE HAPPY, leave them the fuck alone. If your friend misses a week of work and gets fired because he's curled up in fetal position on his living room floor covered in his own shit and vomit because he's in the midst of a heroin binge, for fuck sake help him out. If your friend is perfectly fine and content, LEARN TO RECOGNIZE THIS and let him live his damn life the way he wants to.
Girls, particularly girls past puberty, who think it's their duty as a girl to be as absurdly CUTE as possible alllllll the time. Look. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you are not Hello Kitty. It is possible for you to write something without emoticons. It is possible that people could find you attractive, not just adorable; interesting, not just perky. It is possible to say something to someone without punctuating it with a giggle for happy or a pouty lip for sad. Welcome to Non-Cartoon-Land. You're female. We get it. You don't have to constantly play a character.
The way seemingly EVERYTHING has become a tipping job. Like, when I go to a bar or a restaurant with waiter service, I know that tipping is part of the deal and I have no qualms with tipping unless the person is just extraordinarily bad. However, my bullshit meter starts to get jittery when I see a tip jar on the counter at fucking Starbucks or Taco Bell. Uhhh... NO. You don't get a tip for getting my Chalupa order correct. See, there's a difference between a real waiter, whose job is to frequently come to my table and be professional and polite and INTERESTED in the quality of my experience at their restaurant, and some choad who stands at a register and asks what I want, and occasionally doesn't fuck it up. A tip jar at Starbucks? What an excellent place for me to spit my gum.
Retards who name their kids some variation of their last name, like Steven Stevenson, Rob Roberts, Dave Davidson etc. You couldn't think of ANYTHING else?
Commercial kitchens that are so filthy that if you flooded them from floor to ceiling with boiling hot chlorine bleach for a month, as soon as it subsided a cockroach the size of bar of soap would come out of the floor drain to look for food.
Interviewers on TV or Radio who are given a guest that they could have a field day with, but instead start trying to zing them with lame insults, particularly when their insults are based on their own no less idiotic world view. Recently there was some wingnut who ran for governor of Minnesota who claimed he was a vampire and a Satan worshipper who called for public impalings. He went by the name Johnathan "The Impaler" Sharkey. Now, I don't know about you, but to me that's a fucking gold mine. The jabs almost write themselves. How could the interviewer NOT tear this guy eight new assholes? Instead of trouncing him intellectually, which is what I fully expected, the guy starts repeatedly asking him, "Did the sun come up today?" as though he was totally nailing him with irrefutable logic. DUMBSHIT! "No, I thought I'd leave the whole kook thing alone and focus only on the fact that this guy is too stupid to worship the same god as me and doesn't believe, as I do, that the sun rising in the morning is a divine act, a show of goodwill by a benevolent god, and not just the earth rotating in space." Here's the video. Nice going, Fox News dipshits.
Videogames with a learning curve that goes from "Smash this bug, which is glued to the floor so it can't run around" to "While being chased by a thousand robotic metal piranhas, swim naked through this pool of lava to an island of broken glass to fight this rabid porcupine-minotaur which beats the shit out of you while an F-15 is launching missiles at you... and do this all while avoiding detection by these inconveniently placed videocameras" in the first 10 minutes of gameplay.
Retarded videogames whose main directive is avoiding detection. Sneak from shadow to shadow silently. Disable the laser security grid and FOR FUCK SAKE DON'T EVER FIRE A WEAPON! THAT WOULD MAKE NOISE! Fuck that Splinter Cell shit. Know what's awesome? Sneaking around silently with a little pea shooter gun that goes "pew... pew..." with like 10 rounds of ammo total and getting killed by anyone who happens to see you? FUCK NO! Fun is hitting a screeching alien in the face with a grenade launcher at point blank range and having it splatter meat all over the room, in the process nearly killing you and knocking you 30 feet backwards, which gives you a 30 foot and three millimeter lead on the other 20 monsters that are all running at you at 45 miles an hour.
Videogames that are just ridiculously easy, and even as you're going toe to toe with the end boss, you're waiting for it to start getting challenging. For instance, I loved the game Prey and beat it on normal and hard modes. The problem is that 10 minutes into the game you get access to a means of perpetually coming back from the dead, so you can just go balls out and run headlong into packs of enemies and not even pretend to use cover, because if you die, you're just going to pop back into the game 10 seconds later with full health. It would be one thing if this was a cheat, but it's a core part of the game. You die, you go to the spirit world, you randomly spam some arrows at the ghost things, and 10 seconds later, there you are back in the regular game ready to kick ass and die in the process again and again and again.
People who make a point of saying some food or drink is good when it truly couldn't be any other way.
"Hmmmm... This is really nice."
"OF COURSE, IT'S NICE, DUMBSHIT! Do you think Dom Perignon is expensive because it SUCKS?".
DJ's that think they're adding to the feeling and contributing to the music by blurting idiotic bullshit over the music. Like tonight I was listening to a mix of house music. The mix was about an hour and a half long, and about every 10-15 seconds this guy would mute the music, and blurt some sort of "YEAHHHHH THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' BOUT!" *boom-a-tick-a-boom-a-tick-a-boom* "CHECK IT OUT!" *tick-a-boom-a-tick-a-boom-a- "THE PARTY'S POPPIN!" And every couple of minutes he would play this sample that wasn't even in synch with the music, and once again would MUTE the music to play the sample of this guy yelling "BOOyakka! BOOyakka!" Look. I understand if you're some FM radio jackass whose job it is to start mumbling station ID dogshit at the ends of songs, and you have a boss that will yell at you and whatnot if you don't, but if you're yelling stupid shit all through the music, you are RUINING IT. I will turn it off and be angry that I couldn't just listen to the actual music.
That shitty little peach-fuzz mustache shit. Look. If you can't grow a real mustache or beard, then fucking don't. What's the point of that? The whole point of growing a mustache is to look cool. If what you're growing just makes you look like a scumbag who doesn't shower then it kinda defeats the fucking purpose, doesn't it? If you go months and months without shaving your upper lip, and I can grow a better mustache on a three day weekend, then guess what. That's nature's way of telling you that you don't get to have a mustache. Look at me. Do you see me trying to wear a pompadour? No. Nature gave me thin hair on the top of my head just like it gave you shitty looking dark fuzz on the top of your lip. Nature says I can't have a pompadour and nature says that you can't have a goddamn mustache, so shave it the fuck off.
People whose hobby is to comment on every single thing they see, hear and read on the internet. For every thing said on a webpage, loads of bored retards feel the need to look up the administrator's email and tell them that they agree/disagree with it, to what extent, that they are a genius/faggot, and what else they should write about.
I really don't enjoy eating asparagus.
"I read what you said about asparagus and I'm with you, man. One time I was at my girlfriend's parents' house and they offered me some asparagus and I said no thanks. Then they looked at me all crazy and my girlfriend acted embarrassed. I mean, how could anyone like eating asparagus? It tastes like shit. You should also write about how crappy bok choy is. I enjoyed the site. Keep it up. YOUR awesome!"
"God what a retard. I read what you wrote about asparagus and I can only guess that YOUR some kind of faggot communist or some shit. Maybe you just prefer the taste of cock or something. Asparagus is awesome and if you weren't such a little pussy you might be able to appreciate it. Do you even know how many vitamins and minerals are in asparagus? I didn't think so. Knowing that might require not being a moron. You should write a page about how big of a faggot you are and how much you like getting fucked in the ass because you're such a big faggot and I think I might find a page like that kind of intriguing and might actually want to read more about that kind of thing and uhh... but I digress! Take the cock out of your mouth and eat your asparagus, faggot."
Christians who try to reach young people by attempting to paint Jesus as TOTALLY RADICAL, ANTIAUTHORITARIAN, AWESOME, EXTREME, A REBEL! YO, CHECK IT! All the COOL kids want to join our religion of RULES and DISCIPLINE and SELF DENIAL and AVOIDING INSTINCT and DISCRIMINATION and SEXISM and WILLFUL IGNORANCE and CONFORMITY that was started by our totally hip, free-thinking savior. Because YO, dawg! Being brainwashed is DOPE! I be kickin' it with J.C. oldschool! And yo PEEP THIS! (White guy in a cardigan sweater in his mid-30's saying all this by the way.) My savior's got a posse! He be rollin with the Daddy, the J.C. and the Holy G. yo!
Places that require you to have multiple forms of ID. This is just retarded. Think about it. How do you get a driver's license? Show them a Birth Certificate and Social Security Card. What do they want when they want multiple forms of ID? Usually a Driver's License, Social Security Card and / or Birth Certificate. If you faked the documents to get your Driver's License, and someone later asks you for multiple forms of ID, are you then going to suddenly turn honest and go, "DAMN! I have a Driver's License, but this other shit is fake. What am I going to do now?"
Retarded guys who think that any guy can fuck any girl as long as he dresses nice, wears cologne, acts confident, spends a little money and lies through his teeth.
and
Girls who actually give it up for any guy as long as he dresses nice, wears cologne, acts confident, spends a little money and tells them things they want to hear.
Girls who shave their pubes into a little vertical line. What is that supposed to be? You've already shaved off this much. Just go bare. What is the effect you're going for, really? Do you think vertical lines make guys get all crazy horny as opposed to just shaving it all off? "Let me just pull these panties off... HOLY SHIT, A VERTICAL LINE! UHHH UHHH UHHH Uhhhhhhhh. Oh my god, I just came in my shorts."
Guys who have whiskers that grow on a really odd part of their face who seem to think that since they aren't part of the standard beard area they don't need to be shaved... ever. There is this guy I work with who has these weird brown hairs at the very top of his cheeks under his eyes that must be nearly a fucking inch long. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? SHAVE IT OFF, SASQUATCH!
People who think that the best way to get help on an internet forum is to make a new thread simply titled, "HELP ME PLZ!!!!!!" Yep... It could be fucking anything.
The fact that many Americans actually believe that the reason we are in Iraq is to defend freedom, and that we are in general a force for good and liberty around the world, defending freedom where ever it is threatened, when the United States has never actually set up a real democracy, and has in fact overthrown plenty of democratic regimes and in their places helped set up oppressive dictatorships. Iraqis hoping to glimpse their future need look no farther than Augusto Pinochet of Chile, Hugo Banzer of Bolivia, Mohammed Reza Pahlevi the Shah of Iran, Pol Pot of Cambodia, and the list of evil men that we helped out goes on and on. Why, when we repeatedly set up and aid dictatorships primarily with US commercial interests in mind, would the Iraqi people be at ease with us tinkering with how their country is run, and when will Americans wake up to the fact that the words "America" and "Freedom" contradict each other?
Image servers with puny bandwidth limits. Why would any company even bother to create one of these things? I know that bandwidth costs money, and that you get what you pay for, but FUCK. What's the fucking point, when the fourth person to look at your picture gets the dreaded "Bandwidth Exceeded" gif?
These retards we see on TV and the internet who get the living shit beat out of them by cops because they wouldn't pull over. These videos are usually shot by the videocamera on the cop's car. In several of them I've seen the person led the cop on a chase for several miles before stopping and getting this shit beaten out of them and their excuse was that they DIDN'T THINK IT WAS REALLY A COP. Of course, I have heard the stories of people being pulled over by people impersonating the police and then getting robbed or raped or whatever, but guess what. We hear these stories because they are EXCEPTIONAL. In 99.9999999999999999999999999% of cases when there is a squad car behind you with its lights flashing, its sirens wailing and the loudspeaker shouting, "PULL OVER!" it's really a fucking cop. Am I saying it's right for cops to beat people because they're frustrated? No. I will be the last one to stick up for pigs who smash people's teeth in. However, what these people have to realize is that they need to treat a cop the way they would treat a rottweiler. Maybe it's friendly. Maybe it's vicious. If you taunt it, you're going to get your fucking throat ripped out. If a cop has to chase you, expect to not be handled delicately. It's just the way it is. "I didn't think it was really a cop." Well, now I don't think those are really your teeth. Enjoy your dental work because you were too stupid to pull over and just get your fucking ticket, you too-much-tv-watching dipshit. Here's a hint. If Oprah has the story on her show, it's because IT'S VERY UNUSUAL. It's not to implant the idea in your spongy little brain that any cop trying to pull you over probably isn't really a cop, but a rapist.
More on the above... We live in a world where someone can go on a computer and find information on a filling in a molar that you got when you were 12. They can go in your credit card records and look up how many times you bought frozen pizza in the last five years at the local Piggly Wiggly... and how many of those were Pepperoni. Computers control who has water and electricity service, every telephone call you make, the amount of dye used to make Crest Toothpaste the perfect color of blue, traffic lights, what food shows up at what grocery store at what date in what quantity, etc. etc. Am I the only one who thinks it's just a little bit terrifying that in this world where the control of nearly everything is left to the precise calculations of computers, that something as unimportant as, say, THE NATIONAL ECONOMY is still to a great extent handled by a crowded room of coke-addled guys screaming and waving their arms at each other while they write shit on PAPER WITH A PENCIL?
People who think money and wealth is by far the most interesting thing in the world. Sure, you need money to live well, and the more money you have the better, but it is a means, not an end, and people who think money is really fascinating have no vision or imagination at all.
Clueless employees who "don't get what the big deal is" when they get reprimanded for doing something that they could actually be fired for on the spot. "Damn, why does Denise have such a stick up her ass? She wrote me up just because they caught me drinking in the locker room. That's two write ups just this month. Last one was when they caught me taking a bunch of steaks out of the walk-in cooler in my backpack. I mean, what the fuck! They write me up just for that? Bullshit. It's like they're picking on me."
Sunday Liquor Laws. I was never a big drinker, but I can only see Sunday liquor laws as a loss of freedom. With the exception of a few isolated backwards "dry" counties where they haven't figured out that the 1920's are over, buying beer, wine, liquor etc. is legal. However, in almost all states it is illegal to buy or sell alcohol on Sundays. This brings me to the obvious question. Why Sunday? Why the fuck do you think? It's just more of America's lack of separation of church and state. Most Americans are Christians and for them Sunday is Jesusday. So whether you believe in God or not, you are forbidden from buying liquor on the day Christians set aside as holy. Look, if you're a Christian and you want to use Sunday as your day to sober up, that's fine, but to tell other people that they have to wait until Monday to drink is bullshit. Sure you can make the argument that people can stock up on Saturday and drink all they want on Sunday, but the point is that since alcohol is legal, they shouldn't HAVE to. Hell, liquor stores and bars should be allowed to be open seven days a week merely for the fact that they PAY TAXES, which is more than I can say for churches. Which brings me to my next point...
I'm tired of churches' audacity in always pressing forth the idea that churches are pillars of the community. They not only think of themselves as good for the community, but NECESSARY for a good community, all the while paying not one red cent in taxes. Want to do something good for the community? PAY FUCKING TAXES. Know what helps communities? Strong public school systems. In nearly every state in the country the schools are underfunded and in bad shape. I mean, SURELY there's no correlation between the fact that someone can make more money by waiting tables than by teaching and the fact that it's difficult to hire excellent teachers. Maybe schools wouldn't suck if all the churches were paying their fair share. After all, all a church is is a business with no actual product that has FREE MONEY HANDED TO IT by its attendees. What's the product? Once a week some jackass has to think of something to talk about for an hour. That's it. Fuck, I could do that shit. Give ME ten percent of your income, retards. The difference is I would pay taxes, so even if I was just bitching about some guy yelling about Jesus on the train for an hour, I would be doing the community more of a service than any Christian church you could find. Ohhhh, but churches do nice things like doing "toys for tots" programs and "meals on wheels" programs. Bullshit. Usually the people participating in these programs are not reimbursed by the church for doing them. They are taking money out of their own pockets and helping those less fortunate. If the church participates in any way, it's generally not something that comes out of the Sunday offering, but rather they will ask for more money from people. "Thank you for your offering money, now we want you to look in your hearts and look in your wallets and give us some more money so we can do this other program." Of course, the church won't give credit to "Mrs. Smith," but to itself for doing these community service projects. "This month we built a new deck for Lazy Eye Retirement Home." No... Dave and Scott and Frank and Mike built a fucking deck. The church didn't do shit. These community service programs are moot anyway because regular tax revenue would help the community more than an occasional act of philanthropy. If anything, these acts can serve as free advertising. Help an old lady paint her gutters one week, the next week there's a strong likelihood that her ass is going to be sitting in one of your pews and plopping cash in one of your offering baskets.
Movies and TV shows in which they cast 28 year olds to play high school kids.
The explosion of walkie talkie phones. What could possibly be more annoying that cell phone assholes? Cell phone assholes whose phones loudly go "BREEEP!" who then hold their phones away from their faces and yell at them. "BREEEP! YO, WHERE YOU AT?" *Unintelligible loud garbled reply* "BREEEP! WHERE YOU AT?" *Unintelligible loud garbled reply* "BREEEP! YO, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" *Unintelligible loud garbled reply* "BREEEP! YOU THERE? YO! YO, I CAN'T HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYIN'!" *Unintelligible loud garbled reply* "BREEEP! YO! WHERE YOU AT?!"
People who can't have an orgasm unless you perform bizarre rituals. "Okay, now fuck me fast. Okay now slow down. Okay now fast. Uhhh.. Okay now slower.... FASTER FASTER FASTER... Uhhh Uhhhh Keep rubbing the hairbrush on my asshole like that, yeah... NO NO NO NO DON'T TAKE OFF THE FIREMAN HELMET! Okay now slow down a little bit... Too much. Speed up a little... Give me more hairbrush... Okay now drip the Visine in my eyes... Uhhhh Uhhh Yeahhhh.... More hairbrush..... Okay now pinch my nipples... HARD... More hairbrush! Don't ever slow down with the hairbrush! ... Now punch me in the tits... Yeah.. slow down a little.... Uhhh Uhhh Yeahhh.... I need more Visine.... Yeahhhh.... Uhhh.... Okay, stop. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It's just not going to happen. I need someone with false teeth. Sorry."
Comedians who enter into a topic that is a veritable treasure trove of hilarious possibilities, and then they take it in a direction that is either too safe, absolutely predictable, or pathetically infantile, and in all three occasions, just not at all funny.
George Carlin: "Apparently 80% of Americans believe in Angels."
Neg watching TV: "Hah, this is going to be great."
George Carlin: "What are they fucking stupid?!"
Neg watching TV: "Heh. Here it comes. He's gonna rip them to pieces and it's going to be awesome."
George Carlin: "What about Leprechauns or Zombies? That's the problem with zombies. They're unreliable."
Neg watching TV: "Sigh..."
People who ALWAYS complain about feeling like shit who never go to the doctor for whatever is bothering them, and then when you politely ask them how they're doing (the informal greeting, not the "i care how you are doing" inquiry) they always reply with "Ohhh, I'm hangin' in there." You know what? STOP hanging in there. If it's that bad, and you don't really care enough to go to the doctor and get treated, then just die. I mean, if you have cancer or aids or cyctic fibrosis or something and you say, "I'm hangin' in there," you're totally excused and I'm very sorry that you have a terrible life threatening chronic disease. All you bad-knee-havin' migraine-headache-gettin' insomniac whiners can blow it out your asses. You just want the attention that comes with people feeling sorry for you. Awww, your back hurts? So does mine. Big whoop. I still go to work and not everyone has to hear about my fucking tales of woe.
Girls who really hate to give head who don't try to conseal this fact at all while doing it and act like they're doing you a huge favor. You know what? Forget it. Go find some Southern Baptist idiot who thinks that giving head is a degrading abomination and that sex is purely for procreation, because that sounds like loads of fun.
People who think that giving THEM head is the price of admission; totally expected and necessary, but think that giving YOU head is something for birthdays and maybe Christmas if you're lucky.
People, particularly significant others, parents, etc. who think that the best way to show you how much they love you is to constantly nitpick everything you do and critique everything about your appearance, mannerisms, habits, diet, hobbies, career, etc. in an attempt to "help" you. Look. If I'm not what you want, and you want someone better, then fucking go find them. I could give two shits. Take a fucking hike.
People who are really into telling stories who are completely incapable of describing anything so you know what the fuck they're talking about. Key plot points are skimmed over or absent altogether, things that require visual descriptions are completely unintelligible, and the end result is that the person wastes 10 minutes of your time telling you a story and you still have no fucking clue what happened. "Dude! Check it out. I just got back from the mall and the most fucked up thing happened. No wait, come back. Dude, you're gonna love this story. Where are you going? Dude! (I finally give up on trying to avoid the story.) So I'm at the mall and I'm eating at the food court, and this lady is there. (A lady exists in a food court? Fucking amazing.) And like she's all screaming at me and shit because I pissed her off. (How? He doesn't even bother to mention HOW or WHY he pissed her off. She could have been crazy and angry at his general existance, or maybe he took a shit on her food tray. The world will never know, and it's probably better that way.) And then she falls down, (How? No mention.) and she's all trying to get up but her arm is like... up... (Reaching up to get off the floor? Broken and bent at a scary angle? Who fucking knows?) and like she's all yellin' and cursing at me and then this guy is all 'You're gonna have to leave!' (To you or the woman, and who the fuck is this guy?) So I'm in Macy's (I guess he fucking teleported.) and the lady is all 'I'm gonna sue your ass!'" (The same lady or a new lady? Why is she going to sue you? WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS RETARDED MEANDERING TALE?) Then he laughs that "Huh-HEH!" laugh of "The story's over," and i'm standing there wondering why someone would tell another person something that makes absolutely no sense.
Those retarded "disclaimers" that come with pirated software. They always say something like "This software is provided only for evaluation purposes. If you decide to keep it you need to get a valid license by purchasing it. We are in no way responsible, etc. etc." OH, SO I GUESS YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK NOW. You are in no way responsible... BECAUSE YOU SAID SO. Nevermind the fact that you just distributed the full-version software to millions of people, WITH A CRACK FILE.
I can picture the courtroom scene now.
"You are here because you violated sixteen different software companies' copyrights. The estimated total of the damage done to these companies by your distribution of their software is 122 million dollars. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"If you look, in each distribution I put this text file saying that I am not responsible."
"Hmm.... You're free to go."
People with fake camera smiles. The expression on the mouth is saying, "YAY! I'm having so much FUN!" but the expression in the eyes is an unmistakable "Oh, a camera. Sighhh. Hurry up and take the damn picture, my face is cramping up."
Computer programs that crash, but won't hurry up and just fucking finish crashing. You're playing a videogame and then the video locks up. You're sitting there staring at a frozen image. For a minute or so the music and ambient sound effects continue as though nothing had happened. Then the screen goes black and 15-20 seconds later the ambient sounds start to stick and loop. After another few seconds the music stops and a few more seconds later the ambient sound stops. Then for 30-45 seconds you're sitting there staring at a blank screen and hearing no sound... well, no sound other than your own loud cursing and the clickety-clack of you repeatedly smashing Ctrl.-Alt.-Del. trying to kill the program with the task manager. Then you start to see rectangular sections of your desktop peeking through. After another 30 seconds, your whole desktop is showing, the gamma corrects, the resolution goes back to normal, and then that lovely error message with the option to send the crash details to Microsoft pops up. At this point you've had plenty of time to get so angry you can taste blood.
Panhandlers who use a musical instrument who make absolutely no effort to learn how to use it to play actual music. I know what a lot of you are thinking. "Jesus Christ! Neg is shitting on the homeless." No, they've shown us time and time again that they are perfectly capable of shitting on themselves. I'm just saying that if all you're going to do is get a harmonica and then inhale and exhale through it on the same note, just stop. Beg without an instrument. "Weeeee..... Waaaaa..... Weeeee..... Waaaaa.... Weeee..... Waaaaa..." Way to rip it up on the old harp, James Cotton. There is this guy who I have seen on the train for years who has a flutophone. In that span of time he has not learned how to make it sound as though it is playing an actual tune. There's no rhythm, no melody, no patterns. It's just a bunch of random notes at random intevals and intensities. Now, I know the guy is hurting for money. That's not in dispute. What kills me is that this guy plays a musical instrument for hours and hours a day every single day, and has for years, and still can't play music. At this point, "Mary Had a Little Lamb" or "Three Blind Mice" would really impress me.
People who put REALLY tiny pictures on their webpages, and I'm not talking about thumbnails. What's the damn point? For one thing, you can't see a fucking thing, and secondly, I think at this point enough people are off dialup and on something better that we can really say fuck those people who are still puttering along on AOL on a 28.8 modem - it's time to post some decent pictures. WOW! Great band photo. I can almost tell how many members you have.
Asshole Clusters. Now, I know what you're thinking, and you're wrong. This is NOT what your initial reaction would have you believe. Let me explain. You know this guy who is a total shithead. Everything about him makes you want to break a bottle over the bridge of his nose. He knows he's an asshole, and instead of trying to stop being a dick or wondering why hardly anyone likes him, he revels in his asshole-dom. He finds pride and comfort in being the biggest prick imaginable. Then there's this girl who you know seperately. She's a total bitch and most people find her completely intolerable. She too is a proud asshole. You hate these two people individually, and would never think that they are somehow connected. Then you come to find that these two assholes not only know each other, but are actually close friends, or boyfriend-girlfriend, married, etc. Then the two people figure out that they both know you and their shittiness combines to form a two fisted constant barrage of concentrated annoyance.
The general backwards nature of Search Engines. For instance, let's say you want to look up someone you went to college with. Dave Smith lived in Columbus, Ohio the last you knew, so you hit up Google and do a search. First you try Dave Smith. You get a million results, many of which have "Dave" and "Smith" seperately on the page, I.E. "Dave Roebuck and James Smith" So you obviously want to narrow down your search, and logically, typing "Dave Smith Columbus Ohio" should give you more specific results, but instead it makes the results MORE scattered. Now you have eight million results because Google is searching for "Dave" and "Smith" and "Columbus" and "Ohio" and not necessarily together or in order. So now you have results about Columbus the explorer, Columbus High School in Minneapolis, The Ohio State Pottery Association, Smith and Wesson, etc.
Superstitious retards who think that merely talking about a disease can possibly afflict someone with it. The other day I said that I hoped someone got aids. This guy freaked the fuck out.
"Oh my god! Don't say that! What if someone said that about you?"
"Uhh... Let them say that about me. It's not like having a disease wished on you is a legitimate cause of the disease."
"Fuck that. That's taking it TOO FAR. I knew someone with aids. How could you say such a thing?"
"Uhh I can say such a thing because it will have no actual effect. It's not like God will hear what I said and reach his Monty Python cartoon arm out of the cartoon clouds and zap the guy with an aids beam. You knew someone with aids... I bet he didn't have aids because someone WISHED for him to get it."
After going back and forth, the guy couldn't come to terms with the fact that merely talking about a disease couldn't do anything. He finally left me alone when I said if he didn't drop it I would wish for him to get aids.
People who absolutely cannot recognize the humor value of something discriminatory that is actually really funny. Yes, you can make fun of races, religions, the disabled, the poor, the unfortunate, etc. and have it be totally hilarious. (For example Sarah Silverman).
and
People who think that being blatantly racist, discriminatory, hateful etc. automatically makes them edgy and funny, when, in fact, they're just idiots and what they're saying is completely lame. (For example Ann Coulter)..
People who give you WAY too much information.
"Be right back. I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette."
"Oh, okay. I didn't know you smoked."
"Yeah, well, I actually stopped smoking for ten years, but then I started up again a few years ago after my daughter was raped and murdered."
"Oh... uhh... okay... uhh... See you in a few."
What the fuck is that? I just said I didn't know she smoked, I didn't say it was sharing time. I mean, if I don't know someone well enough to know they smoke I think it's fair to say I don't know them well enough to have them share their deepest darkest painful memories with me either. I'm not denying that it's a terrible thing, or that she might get some sort of relief from talking to people about it, but If I don't know your middle name, your birthday and the town where you were born, I really don't need to know what makes you cry yourself to sleep every night. Just go smoke your cigarette. Christ.
Pop-up Blockers. Explain this shit to me. Why is it that pop-up blockers will block linked pages that apprear in a new window, like this, and things like Windows Update and many other legitimate sites that have redirects or installation prompts but THEY DON'T BLOCK ACTUAL POP UP ADS?
The fact that I apparently have the "Ask me for directions" face. I could be surrounded by a hundred people, and some confused asshole will look at the crowd and go, "Uhhh.... THAT guy." What makes this doubly retarded is the fact that I constantly wear headphones when I'm out and about. If I'm not at home or at work or hanging out with friends, I have headphones on playing extremely loud music, simply because there's this annoying noise that humans make that I have no interest in hearing whatsoever... I think it's called talking or something. Seriously, the primary reason for me buying an iPod and those ISOLATING plug headphones is to blot out the idiotic noise of human mouths, because 99% of the things people rattle on about make me feel like slapping myself in the forehead, and the louder they speak, the dumber the words coming out of their mouths. OH NO, don't ask all those people who DON'T have headphones on. Ask that guy who has to go, "Hang on a second." (Takes off headphones) "Huh?" Why are people so stupid that they will look around for someone to ask for directions and think "Hmmm... ASK THE ANNOYED LOOKING GUY WITH THE HEADPHONES"? Maybe it's just me, but if I ask for directions, and the person seems annoyed, that's when I say, "Nevermind. Sorry to bother you," before I end up miles away from where I wanted to go. I should just start giving people WRONG directions for laughs.
It happens to me constantly. I will be on the train or walking down the sidewalk in my "Get these filthy animals away from me" trance, lulled by really grating music that's loud enough to block out at least some of the idiocy, when some ass will come up to me waving his arms and going, "MUH MUH MUH MUH!"
I take out one of my headphones and say, "WHAT?" I say this intentionally loudly to let them know that they're interrupting something.
"Does this train go to Utica?"
"I don't know." (I really don't.)
They stare at me with the "I'll need more information than that" expression on their face.
"I don't know. I don't take the train to Utica."
At that point they usually ask me the exact same question again, as I stuff the earphone back in and shrug at them.
I was actually on the way home today with the intention of writing this entry when it happened again, to a completely stupid extreme. If you read down a few entries, I was bitching about not being able to find an office chair mat. I finally found one after going to four MORE different stores and was bringing it home. As I got off the train, I was thirsty so I stopped in a store to get a carton of orange juice. So I'm walking down the street with the rolled up office mat on my right shoulder and the orange juice in my left hand. Then, of course, there he is. This old guy comes running at me flapping his arms at me. One of the flapping hands had a subway map in it. "MUH MUH MUH!!!"
I yelled at him. "I HAVE HEADPHONES ON AND CAN'T HEAR A THING YOU'RE SAYING AND I DON'T HAVE A FREE HAND TO TAKE THEM OFF! ASK SOMEONE ELSE." He continued trying to ask me shit as I walked off.
Old guys who sit in barber shops when they aren't even getting a haircut just so they have people to talk to. Yeah, I know you're lonely. I also know that you're here because you know there will be plenty of people stuck in chairs who can't move for 10-30 minute intervals. Here's a tip. Not all of them are there to talk to you, and most of them probably don't give a shit what you have to say about the Yankees, Immigration Reform, The President, your granddaughter's wedding, etc. etc. etc.
Over-careful spoiler warners on forums. Like on the Oblivion forums there's a whole section entitled "Cheats, Hints, Spoilers" and about HALF of the posts have "WARNING: SPOILER" in the subject. A spoiler in the spoiler section? NO SHIT? Thanks for the heads up.
Independent podcasters who try to do that ultra-deep FM radio DJ voice. You know what's refreshing about podcasts? That it's NOT FM RADIO. It's some guy in his apartment sharing music and views that radio would never touch. Be yourself. Don't intentionally sound like an FM radio jackass, because hey, radio sucks balls.
Newspapers and news programs that have obvious political interests, whether those interests are conservative, liberal, or whatever. I hate to point out the obvious, and correct me if I'm wrong, but the news should simply tell me what happened, not how I should feel about what happened. The news in different newspapers and shows should also have pretty much the same information from paper to paper and channel to channel, not that Bush is a great leader with keen insight who is mending our economy on one channel and then on another channel he's a bumbling doofus who sent our troops to die in an unwinnable war on another channel. It's like watching competing versions of Pravda. Just tell me what happened, not how I should think, shitheads. Maybe if you assholes weren't so focused on turning facts into "stories" the news might actually have a lot more time and page space for MORE FACTS. And here's a fucking concept. There are an ass-ton of cable channels, magazines, newspapers, etc. that are 100% devoted to sports.... so, uhh.... FUCK sports. They have their own media outlets. In the regular newspaper there should be MORE ECONOMY. MORE DOMESTIC ISSUES. MORE WAR UPDATES. MORE LOCAL NEWS. MORE NATIONAL POLITICS. MORE FOREIGN RELATIONS. LESS... no, fuck that... NO SPORTS. Barry Bonds is not hurting for press. He's just some dumbass celebrity like Britney Spears, Tom Cruise, Madonna, etc. etc. As much as these people have captivated the minds of extremely impressionable people, NOTHING THEY DO WILL HAVE THE SLIGHTEST IMPACT ON THE WAY WE LIVE, FOR GOOD OR ILL, and if they change the way YOU live, then you're too stupid to be called human, and hence have no need of things like newspapers. Here, have a banana and some shiny, shiny tin foil. You can even hold it out in front of you like a newspaper and mimic humans, but this will be better for you because shiny = YAY.
People who can't accept a compliment primarily because every single word you can think of to compliment them they hate or think is corny. Like you're dating some girl. You've been together for plenty of time that you're fairly comfortable talking to each other. You tell her you think she's beautiful.
"Oh GAWD! Beautiful. Gag."
"... Okay... so... pretty."
"EWWW! Flowers are pretty. People aren't."
"Uhhh... cute?"
"CUTE? YOU THINK I'M FUCKING CUTE? Cute is something you say to ugly girls so you don't hurt their feelings."
"Attractive?"
"Oh, yes, darling, I'm so ATTRACTIVE, yes?" (Said with a mockingly phony English debutante accent.)
"Uhhhh... Good looking?"
"What is this, 1982?"
"Uhhhhh.... Hot?"
"Oh, I guess it must BE 1982. 'Hot.' Pffft."
"Fine."
"Fine? Aren't you laying it on a little thick?"
"No, 'fine' as in 'whatever,' as in 'fuck it.'"
Software that thinks that it is the very most important thing on your computer, and will do things like require a million confirmations to close, refuse to let you reboot your computer until you confirm something with it, reboot your computer because it needs to, have "always on top" checked as the default option, pop up while you're playing a videogame and fuck you up so you have to restart the videogame, etc. Here's a clue, assholes. An instant messaging program, CD/DVD burner program, antivirus program, media player, document editor, graphics editor, etc. is NOT IN CHARGE HERE. NO you DON'T get to handle every file extension. NO I DIDN'T get a CD burner program so I could use it to view DVD's and listen to MP3's. NO I DIDN'T get an antivirus program so I would have something extra to click every time I open an executable. NO I DIDN'T buy a game so I could have access to an online game network. NO, I DON'T WANT TO REGISTER ONLINE RIGHT NOW. YES, I WILL CHECK THE BOX THAT SAYS "DO NOT REMIND ME AGAIN." "A NEW VERSION OF ITUNES IS AVAILABLE!" Thanks, because that's just what I was wondering as I was fighting the end boss! Software should be there when I want it and invisible when I don't, like beaten children: seen and not heard. You got my money, asshole software designer shitheads. Now leave me the fuck alone.
People at work who talk the big talk when they're in the break room saying that they're going to tell the manager to go fuck themselves, then tuck their tails between their legs and obediently do whatever the manager tells them to.
and
People who think they can get away with telling the manager to go fuck themselves and then get fired like dumbasses.
Actually, now that I think about it, I don't want to destroy the latter. They're perfectly capable of destroying themselves and they provide their coworkers with hilarious entertainment.
Rich celebrities who publicly complain about how bad poor people have it and wave an accusing finger at the upper class.... of which they themselves are a part.
People who show you an ID that is obviously.... OBVIOUSLY fake or borrowed, like you're too stupid to notice typos or the fact that the guy in the picture looks as much like them as Walter Mondale looks like Lucy Liu.
People at work who send you bullshit chain emails. "Hmmm, new email from the regional office. This is probably important..... 'This email was started by Mother Helena of yadda yadda ... Please pass this on to as many... doot-dee-dooo.... receive a blessing... blah blah blah, skim, skim, skim...' Nope. It wasn't." *Delete*
People who fail to comprehend the concept that if you wipe something with a filthy rag or mop a floor with filthy mop-water, it won't be clean.
Podcasts that make a show... then a few months later they make another one... then they never update again.
Podcasts that update mainly for the purpose of telling you to vote for them on some site.
Podcasts that update mainly for the purpose of telling you that they have a new T-shirt or sticker for you to buy in their online store.
People who email me threatening legal action if I don't remove something from the website, particularly when it's something that there is truly no legal reason for me not to use and it's something that's been on the site for years. I've had legal action threatened against me for my Canada page for years. So far, 100% of the time it's a always a one-time email with no follow-up or anything.
"Remove such-and-such page from your website. I have notified my lawyer and we are filing suit against you. Expect court notification within one week."
"No."
The week goes by, then two weeks, and then a month, and then a year, and then two years.... and I sip my beer and look at porn.
People at work who ask you questions that no human without a computer brain would ever remember. This is always presented with a "You'd better remember" vibe.
"We found this unpaid bill from a client and we need you to help us out. Nobody put the client's name on the bill. Now, I know it's May, and the bill is from last August, and that you're not even working at the same unit as you were then and have probably already forgotten most of the clients' names, which would be easy because you had hundreds of clients at that location, and you had dozens of bills very much like this every single day, and most of the clients had loads of functions and most of them were almost exactly the same, and there is nothing particularly remarkable about the things on the bill that would really make it stand out, and when you were at that unit you weren't even involved in any way with customer billing, but as you can see, it's unpaid so we need you to try to remember whose bill this is so we can charge them."
The fact that the fat "Star Wars Kid" sued and WON. I call bullshit on this, bigtime. The way I see it, if you do something retarded, especially THIS retarded and hilarious, and make a video of it, expect it to get out and get laughed at. I mean, I made a video of me in bed with a fish, so this isn't something I can't relate to. Make the video, get laughed at. Buy the ticket, take the ride. If anything, the kid should have played it off coolly and tried to milk some fame off it. It's him or Andy Milonakis, and ANYTHING is better than Andy Milonakis. That kid got his own show on MTV from making a webcam video of a retarded rap about his dad touching his dick, and personally, I'd rather watch an extreme closeup of Grampa Munster taking a bloody shit in a slow motion loop for three hours than watch Andy Milonakis for five seconds.
People who can't come to terms with the fact that their favorite band DOES have musical influences and instead think that they are just geniuses who invented their own sound out of thin air and in fact don't actually even listen to anyone else's music, particularly when their music sounds almost totally derivative of something else specifically.
"Cool song. It has sort of a Peter Gabriel era Genesis feel to it."
"GENESIS? You think they sound like GENESIS?"
"Uhhh... they sound almost EXACTLY like Genesis, at least the stuff Genesis was doing early on. Mind if I see the CD cover? Hmmm... Okay, uh, yeah. This other song 'Watcher of the Skies' is a Genesis cover song. I guess I kinda hit the nail on the head, huh."
"Pffft, uhhh, well, pffff, you think-, uhh, .... WHATEVER!"
The fact that at Hotmail when you fill in the form to log in you have to put "negativepositive@hotmail.com." Why not just make me put "negativepositive" since ALL the email addresses at hotmail are @hotmail.com (or should be)? Where the fuck else would my email account be from if I'm trying to log into hotmail?
People who wouldn't have a single article of clothing to wear if someone used a time machine to go back in time and destroy all professional sports. On a side note, if anyone has a time machine and needs a volunteer to go back in time and destroy all professional sports, I'm the man for the job. You don't even have to pay me.
People who not only know who Katie Kouric is, but know the name of her child and actually think about and care how they're doing.
People at work, particularly who don't have any sort of authority over you, who don't happen to notice when you're busting your ass for hours on end, but then see you sitting down for a few minutes to eat something or make a phone call and then chime in with some variation of "Ohhhh. I see how it is. Look at this guy. Boy, I wish my job was that easy." Die. Seriously. Eat a big cup full of roofing tacks and just stop being alive.
Banner ads with SOUND. So you run a website and put banner ads on it. I understand you need the money, but if I'm browsing your website and suddenly hear gunshots and look up and see some sort of retarded "Shoot the ninjas and get a PS3" I'm going to shut your page so fucking fast, even if it's something I want to read. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but you didn't create a page to have people remember it as "that fucking annoying page with a million retarded flash ads," right? Are you listening to me, Heavy.com?
Retartds that use "replacement" curse words. "OH SHISH KEBAB! Why would she freakin' do that? What a freakin' witch!" Congratulations. We all know exactly what you meant, but you sounded completely stupid saying it. If the INTENT is there, and you actually conveyed that by "freak" you mean "fuck," what difference does it make if you say "fuck" or "freak?" Just say "fuck." We know you MEANT "fuck," and yes, JESUS knows you meant "fuck," so just FUCKING say it, dumbass.
More Amazon Recommendation Retardation. I recently bought a new iPod, my third, because my second one just magically decided to stop being chargable (Don't get me started. I wanted some other brand of mp3 player, but as shitty as iPods are, apparently everything else is shittier.). I bought it on Amazon. Mistake. Now my recommendations are fucked beyond any hope of repair. Apparently the way they decide what to recommend is they look at what you bought, and then look at everyone else who bought the thing you bought, which, being an iPod is EVERY HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET FUCKING EARTH, and they look at the things THOSE people bought and then recommend EVERYTHING ANY OF THEM EVER BOUGHT. Now I have page after page of shit I have zero interest in buying, and many products I have a direct hatred towards, and under each one it says "Recommended because you purchased Apple 30 GB iPod with Video Playback Black." Let's see here.... digital camera.... electric barbecue grill... a subscription to Vanity Fair... a Norelco electric razor... a Beck cd... the first season of Oz on dvd.... a Logitech mouse... another digital camera... Premium Vehicle Power Charger for Motorola RAZR V3... a Gameboy game... Bill Blass Men's Dress Shirt with Fashion Pointed Collar (no shit).... KitchenAid KSM150PSER Artisan Series 5-Quart Mixer, Empire Red... Sheffield WH58009 Folding Lock Back Utility Knife... Fuck you, Amazon dipshits.
Passive aggressive shitheads who do things intentionally because they know it inconveniences you and makes them feel like they have some sort of power. At my job we close at 12:00 and I'm the closing manager. We have this one fucking guy who shows up at like 11:58 every single fucking day and orders food. So at 12:10 or whatever when his food is done, he gets his food from the counter, which is like 10 feet away from the cashier, and he plays with his cell phone as he shuffles.... and shuffles... and shuffles... to the cashier. The 10 foot journey takes about a minute. Then he puts his food on the counter by the cashier, then goes "Hang on a second." Then he heads over to the soft drink cooler, still playing with his cell phone. Shuffle.... shuffle.... shuffle.... Then he gets to the soft drink cooler (which of course he could have done while his food was being cooked) and stares at the sodas for a while. Then after hard contemplation on which flavor of carbonated sugar water is correct, and ALWAYS asking if we have something in the back that's not in the display cooler, and some more playing with his cell phone, he takes a bottle back to the cashier.... Shuffle..... shuffle.... shuffle.... shuffle... Then he gets to the cashier and the she rings up all his stuff. He then starts digging for his wallet (which, of course he could have been doing while the cashier was ringing up his food). He pulls out his money as slow as fucking possible and gives it to the cashier. The cashier finishes his transaction. At this point, he USUALLY decides that he picked the wrong soft drink and shuffles back over to the cooler to get a different one. At about 12:15 we close the gate behind him. Essentially this guy owes me 15 minutes of overtime for 4 employees 7 days a week. Any attempt to hurry him up by saying we're supposed to be closed slows the situation down even more as he will actually stop moving entirely to argue about his inflated sense of entitlement. Very few things in the world make me happier than hitting him across the eyes with a two by four.
The lame SNL thing. Occasionally on Saturday Night Live they will do something that's funny. Yes, I know, I didn't think it was possible either. When this happens, apparently Lorne Michaels goes "Okay, that was pretty good. We're now going to do it every single week until people hate it. Oh, and the movie starts filming in three weeks." Recently Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg made a rap about the Chronicles of Narnia that was on the money. It truly was funny as hell. Sorry, guys. You made the mistake of doing something good on SNL. Now you get to rap on every episode until everyone is sick of it.
People who think that the absolute pinnacle of human achievement is having wheels on your car that keep spinning when your car is stopped at a red light and metal teeth with diamonds in them.
People who pay attention to what you're wearing, and then point out when you wear the same thing too often for their liking. "Heh. You wore that tie the day before yesterday." Why do you care? Who gives a shit? Get a fucking hobby instead of paying attention to what other people wear, you petty dipshit. If it was up to me I wouldn't wear a tie at all, but my job makes me. If I didn't think some shithead like you would point it out, I would probably just own one tie instead of wasting my money on a bunch of ties when I could give half a shit about ties. If it's clean, who gives a fuck? Do I really look like one of those preppy retards who gets ready for work and looks at his stupid motorized Sharper Image tie rack and thinks "Hmmm.. do I feel cobalt blue or coral today?"
The fact that I bitched about "LOL" on this page about 6 or 7 years ago, and honestly, at the time I thought that people would get tired of "LOL" and it would go away. I actually remember feeling weird writing it at the time as I figured it would be too short-lived a fad and that the entry would soon be dated. Now, all these years later, "LOL" is still going strong, and is starting to seem like it will never go away. A million years form now there will be a race of 7 foot tall superhumans with huge foreheads speaking telepathically to each other.... "Glibnox';.`,` flenditzur``,`.`,';``; greespockle .`;',` rambrixten LOL!"
Religious Doomsday Retards. There are few things on this planet dumber than people who believe in their heart of hearts that any second the world is going to be destroyed. For 2000 years these idiots have been like "Uhhh... maybe NOW! .... Okay..... NOW!.... Hmmm... NnnnnnnnnnnOW! No wait..... uhh...... NOW!" Then when it doesn't happen they fall back on the excuse that "We never know when it will happen. It says it will come like a thief in the night." The fact that they predict it will happen, and then it doesn't, doesn't throw them off for a second. Being WRONG doesn't sway them at all. They're still SURE that it will happen any day now. Like this guy I worked with at my last job, on friday I would say "See you monday," and he would always shoot back with "Maybe you will, maybe you won't. It's all in His hands." Then of course he showed up on monday and found no irony in saying the exact same thing NEXT friday. Do they seriously not see the idiocy of this? Like, if I tell people that I know a Buick LaSabre is going to fall out of the sky and crush me as I walk out of my apartment one morning, and then when day after day, year after year it doesn't happen, I would feel like an idiot, but these religious morons don't feel the least bit embarassed by holding to their assertion that it's "coming very soon."
They always cite the same things as concrete proof that it's time for the world to end, citing the book of Revelations, which, while it's probably the most entertaining part of the Bible, it's still part of the Bible, and hence complete bullcrap. "How can you deny? The four horsemen of the apocalypse are upon us! Look at all the war going on!" Oh, you mean like all those wars that are ALWAYS going on? "And look at all these dieases!" Oh, you mean like how there's always loads of diseases? "And the famine!" Oh, like how threre always is in war-torn overpopulated desert countries? "And death! Look at all those people who died in <insert natural disaster/war/terrorist attack/etc.>" Well gee, maybe if the world wasn't in the midst of a population explosion crisis you MIGHT have a point about the death thing.
A while ago I had a lady who worked for me who came to my office asking to leave early from work. I asked why and she said there was a storm coming. I looked outside and sure enough there was a bad thunderstorm brewing. I said that I couldn't let her leave while everyone else was stuck at work just because it was going to rain, and she replied that I should let them all go home too to be with their families because this wasn't just a thunderstorm, this was the APOCALYPSE. Of course, I made her finish her shift despite her protesting, the storm turned out to just be a normal thunderstorm and she showed up the next day for work like nothing happened.
More forum retardation. What is it with forums that attracts so many people who think that the way THEY say the same thing that's been said a million fucking times is so fresh and original that they feel the need to start a whole new thread? Example that nobody will understand: In the Final Fantasy Online forums, they start new threads about every one or two days about why they are going to play Summoner/Black Mage, despite the fact that it doesn't work AT ALL. The game is like two and a half years old, and in the first month of it being live, people figured out that Summoner/White Mage is the ONLY job/sub-job combo for summoner that is effective, and that a black mage sub does NOT WORK whatsoever. Of course, two years later, and after many of these idiots have even played the game for that amount of time, they keep coming back with the same arguments over and over and over. The end result is always the same. They try out SMN/BLM for like a month or two, then when they can't get any parties because their job combo is pointless, they try out SMN/WHM and come back on the forums as champions for SMN/WHM, and rip on the ever-refilling bin of retards who can't shut up for two seconds and read the myriad of posts EXACTLY like what they're about to write and find out that they're idiots.
Another thing: Why are people too stupid to read stickies or use the search function before asking the same questions over and over? On the Oblivion forums, every fourth thread is "where can I buy lockpicks?" AHOY, DIPSHITS! LOOK AT THE FIRST PAGE OF THE FORUM. In fact, look at the first ten pages of the forum. You will find three or four threads PER PAGE asking the same question, and replies answering that you talk to Shady Sam or join the Thieves Guild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointheThievesGuild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointheThievesGuild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointheThievesGuild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointheThievesGuild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointheThievesGuild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointheThievesGuild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointheThievesGuild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointheThievesGuild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointhe- SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUUUUUP!
People who make sure everyone else in their place of work knows exactly how much they despise their job, as though hating your job is an inherent, natural or even necessary part of being employed. There is a lady I work with who says to me, LITERALLY every time I see her, "God I hate my job. Did I mention that I hate my job?" Hate your job? Then fucking quit. Believe me, life would go on if you left. Part of the irony is that this lady doesn't work nearly as hard as some of the people there, by far, and doesn't have any qualms about going behind people's back to upper management to tell them that she's the only one that does anything. Gee, you know what makes people hate their jobs? Well one thing would be working in a place where you're surrounded by back-stabbers. Another would be if you worked somewhere that everyone thought of you as a two-faced liar, brown-noser and snitch.
Software that automatically checks online to see if there's a new version and alerts you to download it if there is.... and there's a new version every three fucking days, and usually these are programs that also tell you you need to reboot for the updates to take effect.
Videogames that cost 50 bucks that you can beat on a single saturday.
and
Videogames that take a year or more to beat, not because there are so many side quests to do and so much area to explore, but because levelling and equipping a character is made so mind-blowingly tedious.
Bulletin Boards on College Campuses. I wonder if anyone looks at the announcements as a cross-section of mainstream American Culture. Subjects range from Feminist, Feminist, Feminist, Gay/Lesbian, Christian, Feminist, Muslim, Feminist, Gay/Lesbian, ENGLISH LITERATURE SEMINAR, Feminist, Christian, Gay/Lesbian, Latino, Fashion Show, Feminist, USED BOOKS FOR SALE, Christian, Feminist, Indian, Feminist, Feminist, Muslim, and Feminist.
"Black" or "White" albums. "Oooooohhh - I just got a copy of my favorite totally unoriginal band's Black Album." That shit was original ONCE, and even then it was a cop-out. Can't be bothered to come up with a title or album artwork? Then GET BACK TO WORK, and stop acting like your laziness is some sort of pretentious feature, as though this album is really special and interesting because it's black and untitled.
Webpages, Podcasts, comics, web cartoons etc. that don't update because they thought of something really awesome, but because it's Wednesday, and Wednesday is update day. The most common emails and IM's I get are people bitching because I haven't updated the page. I say be thankful I haven't updated the page, because if I haven't updated the page, I haven't thought of enough interesting stuff to make an update, and instead of updating it with boring garbage because "hmmm - I need to update" and turning the page into a dumbass Penny-Arcade-esque snore-fest, I actually wait until I have more good stuff to put on the page so you can spend more than 5 seconds reading some crap I wrote and feeling like, "Well... at least he's alive... Maybe the next update will be better."
People at work who believe that as soon as they leave nobody does a fucking thing. They come in after being off and say something like "Wow, this is dirty. I bet nobody cleaned it since the last time I was here."
and
People at work who actually won't do a fucking thing unless someone is constantly behind them whipping them along. They start fucking off the instant a manager isn't looking directly at them. The manager kicks their ass, they move an inch. The manager kicks their ass again, they move another inch. The manager stops kicking their ass, they don't do a shred of work from that moment until they punch out.
Bands who play live and sound EXACTLY like they do on the CD and wear the exact same stuff they wear in their music videos and don't improvise or do anything to make the performance more exciting than just listening to their damn CD.
and
Bands who either improvise so much or play live so poorly that you can hardly make out what song they are playing, and then when you finally realize what song it is, all you can think is, "How can my favorite band make my favorite song sound like shit?"
DEV2.O. With fun songs like "Whip it," "Freedom of Choice," and "Jockohomo," Devo had its moment in the sun. They were pioneers; fearless geeks who weren't afraid to declare that they were "Through Being Cool." So what became of them? Did they enjoy their moment of fame and gracefully disappear? HELL NO. They sold out to fucking DISNEY. Disney then formed a band of CUTE TEENAGERS, who make the A-TEENS seem hardcore, to play Devo's songs. Of course, by "play their songs" I mean lipsynch and pretend to play instruments while wearing red "energy dome" hats. I mean, the keyboard player looks like she's eight. I'm sure she really programmed all the synths. I would like to think of something to make a good comparison, but there simply isn't anything WRONG enough to compare to this. Congratulations, Disney and Devo. You have successfully broken my will to fight.
The fact that Microsoft is basically king of the computer world, yet Microsoft.com is absolutely the SLOWEST FUCKING WEBSITE ON THE ENTIRE GODDAMN INTERNET.
Managers who think an effective management style is: Give people either no instructions or very vague or incomplete instructions, and then yell at them when things don't turn out right.
and
Employees who completely grind to a halt and don't try to figure anything out unless they are given 100% explicit instructions on every tiny detail of a task.
Employees who perform the exact same task at the exact same time every day, who have to be told every single day to do the task, and every day they act surprised.
"It's 8:00."
"Huh?"
"Time to close down that station."
"Huh?"
"This station has to be closed down. It's 8:00."
"OHHHHHHHH! Okay."
People at work who think that if you help them do something once, you will now just do that task every time it has to be done.
Girls who draw extremely sub-par wanna-be anime drawings or write hilariously hokey poetry who are then inordinately praised as though they are astoundingly talented and inspired because they are girls. Here's a tip, ladies. We've all seen good art and we've all read good poetry. While keeping your memories of good art and poetry in your mind, try to look at what you've done from an objective perspective. Now weigh your evaluation of your work against how much praise you receive for it from males. Yes. They just want to fuck you.By the way, there are loads of amazingly talented women artists and writers, and if you felt any insecurity or offense from reading this entry at all, you can rest assured that you probably aren't one of them.
Complete dumbshit moment of the day: Someone left the ice cream cooler door open. After 15 seconds, there is an alarm on the door that makes this really grating sound that can be heard from FAR away to prevent people from leaving the door open and letting the ice cream melt. I hear the noise and look over. The dish guy is standing in front of the ice cream cooler about 2 feet away from it. He HAS to hear the sound.
I point at the cooler, thinking he would know what to do without me yelling across with customers around.
"Whuh?"
*Beeeep Beeeep Beeeep*
I point some more. He just stands there staring at me.
*Beeeep Beeeep Beeeep*
"Huh?"
I point and say, "The cooler," and make a pantomime like I'm closing a door.
"Huh?"
*Beeeep Beeeep Beeeep*
He has yet to turn around and look at the cooler. He's just standing there staring at me with his mouth dangling open like a retard.
"Shut the ice cream cooler."
"Whuh?"
"The ice cream cooler! (point point point) "Shut the ice cream cooler!"
*Beeeep Beeeep Beeeep*
"Uhhhhh....... Huh?"
"LOOK!" (point point point followed by a downward-finger-in-a-circle "turn around" motion followed by another couple of points) "THE ICE CREAM COOLER IS OPEN! SHUT THE ICE CREAM COOLER!"
*Beeeep Beeeep Beeeep*
"...... Whuh?" *Stare Stare*
Then I walk all the way across the cafe and shut the shit myself.
*Beeeep Beeee-CLUNK*
"Oh."
Christians in the United States who try, even jokingly, to play the "religious persecution" card. Uhhhh... Blow it out your asses. You live in a country where 80% of the people are the same religion as you, where churches pay no taxes, where the President, Vice President, most people in congress, most state governors, etc. etc. are professed Christians, and many of them are trying as hard as they can to blur the line between church and state. If you think Christians have it rough in this country, who the fuck do you think has the upper hand, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Atheists? Look, not being able to put a nativity scene on the front lawn of your state capital is not religious persecution. If you want to see what religious persecution looks like, go to Afghanistan and try to convert some people to Christianity. When they're about to chop your head off, you'll wonder why you made such a fuss when they took the Ten Commandments out of that courthouse. Seriously, Christians have it better than any other group in this country. If you fail to see that, that's your fault, so don't try to act like Christians have it so rough in America. Seriously give me a fucking break.
By the way, about that courthouse with the Ten Commandments thing -- If you fund the courthouse with state or federal money, you can't put the fucking Ten Commandments in there UNLESS you allow all belief systems to put their shit in there too. So you can keep your Ten Commandments in there as long as atheists can put up a marble sculpture just as big of a man pointing and laughing at the Ten Commandments sculpture with the inscription: "Religion is for the weak minded."
The fact that when I go out shopping for ANYTHING specifically, nobody fucking has what I want, regardless of what it is. Yesterday I decided it was time to get a new floor mat for my office chair. I looked on Vindigo to see where the nearest office supply place was. I saw "Staples Superstore" and was sure that they would have what I wanted. I got on the train, made a transfer to another train, got off, walked a few blocks, then arrived at Staples. I looked around and around and they didn't really have anything as far as office furnishings except for two chairs and some lamps. So I go to the stock guy and ask if they have any mats for office chairs. He looks really confused.
"The hard clear plastic kind...."
*stare stare*
"You know, you put it on top of carpet so you can roll the office chair...."
*stare stare*
"Usually they have like little nubs on the bottom so they grip the carpet......"
*stare stare* "I thhhhhhink we can order that for you."
Well fuck. If I wanted to order it, I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE MADE THE TRIP. I would have just ordered the shit myself instead of coming all the way out here hoping to buy it and carry it home. So I look at Vindigo again to see what NON-STAPLES office supply places were around. I look down the list and come to Office Depot. I walk a few blocks to the train station, catch a train, get off, walk a few blocks, then I look at the street signs because I don't see the Office Depot sign. I look at Vindigo again and it says the Office Depot is at 3rd and Broadway. I look at the street sign -- 3rd Street... and I'm on Broadway... then I see an EMPTY STOREFRONT with a "For Lease" sign. Yes, the Office Depot is GONE. So I look down the list on Vindigo again... Staples... Staples... Staples....uhhh... Staplestaplestaplesstaples...Place I've never heard of.... Staples... Staples.... Another place I've never heard of... At that point I got a beer and a burrito and went home to my cracked chair mat.
People who are stressed at work and need help, so you voluntarily go out of your way to help them and they accept your help. Then midway through they start taking their stress out on you, yelling at you and whatnot. Uhhh... DROWN next time, idiot. See if I ever offer to help again.
People who hear some term that has already become cliche, and think it's really clever and fresh so they use it every chance they get like it's novel. "Uh-oh. Check that guy out. Is your GAY-DAR beeping? Beep-beep-beep! Heh. Gay-dar, like radar for gays, get it?"
Automated doors on things like elevators that act like they're keeping you in suspense. The elevator approaches the floor, it slows down, the number on the display changes to your floor, the elevator stops, the little bell dings, then...................................... the door opens. FUCK YOU, OTIS! I HAVE SHIT TO DO! SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT!
Webcams. There is one and only one real function for webcams: Broadcasting live images of tits and genitals. That's it. If you're one of these people who say "I have a webcam and I don't get naked on it," well I'm sorry to say... you're using your webcam incorrectly. On one hand are people who get naked on webcams. About 98% of this group are people that nobody wants to see naked ever. This 98% is watched by pathetic people who are just happy that someone is getting naked for them without them having to tip or buy the three drink minimum. The two percent that are actually attractive and get naked are basically insecurity freaks who will go into a hardcore binge-purge cycle if people don't tell them they're pretty on an every 15 second basis. Then there are people who have webcams who don't get naked who broadcast boring-as-fuck hours and hours of them sitting there looking at the computer. Occasionally they will adjust the webcam or make a dumb face at it or show you some piece of brick-a-brack they have in their room. This second group can be divided into two subsets: cameras that nobody watches and cameras that are watched by people who are hoping and praying that they decide to get naked. If you have a webcam and broadcast while wearing clothes and people actually watch, just know that most of them are getting sore from keeping it hard waiting for you to show some skin so they can finally bust their loads. If this concept makes you feel dirty, then you're finally starting to grasp what webcams are all about.
Americans who play Final Fantasy Online who say "w." W is sort of the Japanese equivalent of "lol" and a large majority of Japanese players who play this game say "w" a lot. General party chat if you land in a mostly JP party will look something like this.
Player1>> &(*&^#%#$@@$#@w
Player2>> $&*^&#)(*$)(@*@@^(*@&@w
RetardedAmerican>> w
Player1>> @%$@#@#@*(&#$&^*$w (Translation: "This retarded American is pretending he knows what the fuck we're talking about lol!")
I hate to be the one to break it to you assholes, but uh... YOU AREN'T JAPANESE, and saying "w" will not make you Japanese.
Outdated or religiously motivated sex education in public schools. Look. It would be nice if there was no such things as AIDS or teen pregnancy, but there are, and having public schools telling teenagers to entirely abstain from sex until marriage is not only unrealistic, but promotes religion in school. Marriage is a religious institution. Promoting religious institutions and remaining virgins until you enter into them is not the business of a public school, and is NOT what we should be spending our tax dollars or children's time in school promoting. If you want to teach abstinence in church, by all means, knock yourselves out. If you want to prevent AIDS and teen pregnancy, you NEED to teach teenagers how to have safe sex, and blow that myth about the unreliability of condoms out your asses. To hear these abstinence-only creatures talk about condoms, you would think they were made out of tissue paper and had a majority failure rate. Can condoms break? Yes. Do they break easily? No. Are teenagers going to experiment with sex, regardless of their professed religious beliefs? Almost certainly. Is it safer to use condoms than prayer? YES. These people get SO offended when they hear about teenagers being asked to put condoms on bananas to learn how to properly use a condom. It's far better that kids get to giggle a little in their third period class for one day than spend the next couple of decades raising a kid that they didn't want because instead of learning how to use condoms correctly ahead of time, they were forced to try to figure out how to use them on their own the minute before it became imperative to use them proprerly. Also, if teenagers are going to pledge abstinence, it's highly unlikely that they're going to actually stock up.
Isn't it time to just say fuck Texas altogether? Every single time I hear news of something going on in Texas, it's something idiotic. Here's an example. In Texas, public intoxication is illegal. Generally in most states it's illegal, but they aren't going to fuck with you unless you're being disorderly or belligerent on a public street or something. In Texas, on the other hand, they now send undercover agents INTO BARS to arrest people for being drunk. That's right, it is apparently ILLEGAL TO DRINK IN BARS in Texas. IT'S A FUCKING BAR, ASSHOLES! PEOPLE GET DRUNK THERE! THAT'S WHY BARS EXIST! I guess speeding tickets just aren't raising enough money so they're going to stupid lengths to get into people's pockets. http://www.nbc5i.com/news/8034788/detail.html
People who think that all porn is perverted and that only a select handful of the filthiest and most deviant perverts look at it, and they can't imagine that anyone they know or respect personally would lower themselves to looking at porn.
People who realize that it's grammatically incorrect to use "your" to mean "you are" so they start using "you're" to mean "you are".... and to mean "belonging to you."
These idiots who call in to radio call-in shows with their radios on in the background. I know the hosts of these shows have to get sick of explaining this ten times on every show, and you would think that people who frequently listen to these shows would be completely familiar with the idea that you can't have your radio on while you're on the call. Then after they're asked to turn off their radios, they always try to pretend they did it, and the DJ, who is probably getting some kind of horrible feedback in his headphones, knows damn well they didn't turn their shit off.
"Welcome to Tardtalk, you're on the air."
"Hello from Spokane, Washington, this is Dave. I just wanted to say that--"
"Sorry to cut in, but do you have your radio on in the background? Would you mind turning that off for a minute?"
"Huh? Oh, okay.... So I have a question for your guest. I was wondering---"
"Excuse me, Dave... You have your radio on in the background. Would you please turn it off or we're going to have to drop the call."
"Huh? Okay.... Okay, so I just wanted to ask your guest about--"
"Annnnd... Okayyyyy (click) Sorry, Dave."
THIS.
The way when something horrible happens, like Columbine, there is this huge hype to examine society as a whole to figure out what went wrong. Here's something that people need to learn to accept: THERE ARE FUCKED UP PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO WILL DO HORRIBLE THINGS AND YOU CAN'T STOP THEM BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO DO UNTIL THEY DO IT. Youth at large is not directly responsible for the killing at Columbine. The media is not directly responsible for the killing at Columbine. The gun industry is not directly responsible for the killing at Columbine. What then is directly responsible? Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. That's it. Mystery solved. What could have prevented the shooting at Columbine? Censoring the media? Making guns harder to get? Having more school security? Implementing counselling programs in school to prevent violence? Wrong, wrong, wrong. What could have prevented the killings? Stopping Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. If they didn't tell anyone what they were going to do and the Columbine police department doesn't have psychics working for them, there is practically no way it could have been prevented. There are things that might have hindered them, but if they really wanted to get the job done, there's really nothing anyone could do to stop them unless they caught them, which is improbable unless they were dumb enough to brag ahead of time or "OOPS, sorry, my Mac-10 fell out of my bookbag." I know it seems like a cop-out to play the "Shit happens" card, but it's a sad fact that this incident falls under the "Shit happens" category and no amount of examining our culture as a whole would have prevented it.
Out-of-place idiots. The other day I bought Oblivion for PC at Electronics Boutique. The guy at the counter was like "So you like RPG games, huh. That's like that Everquest game. They call that game Evercrack, y'know (dumb laugh). I hear people lose their jobs over that game." Hey, ASS. You work in a VIDEO GAME STORE. Chill on the "videogames are for losers" trip, okay?
Amazing AI hyped in videogames. Yes, they have come a long way since Doom's "GRRRR! A SPACEMARINE! RUN STRAIGHT AT HIM!" AI, but how farout is the AI now? Practically every videogame now has some mention of their radically improved AI and practically all of them now just have some variation of "GRRRR! A SPACEMARINE! SHOOT AT HIM FROM BEHIND COVER AND OCCASIONALLY DODGE PROJECTILE ATTACKS!" Big deal.
Forum search engines that don't even fucking work. They will have the usual search box where you enter in text and a button that says "Find." You type in something that you KNOW is all over the forums, and it can't find a damn thing. Like, you'll go to The Hammer Forum: a forum dedicated to carpenters and everything you could ever want to know about all different kinds of hammers. You type in "hammer" and hit "Find." Then you get an error message: "An error occurred. Search returned no matching entries." Then you actually look at the forum and there are 8 threads with "hammer" right in the fucking topic on the first page alone.
Guys who are really into big tits, the bigger the better, to the extent that they don't even care what kind of manatee they're attached to.
Liberals who take a problem like how bad our schools are and think that the solution is to simply pay teachers more, basically throwing money at the problem and hoping it goes away.
and
Conservatives who take a problem like how bad our schools are and don't really think of a solution, and don't really hope it goes away, and definitely don't throw a single dime at it, but instead do things like spending a shit-ton of money on a foreign war of aggression so liberals freak the fuck out and forget all about how bad our schools are. Then when liberals are totally exacerbated from bitching about the war, conservatives intentionally make the schools even worse by trying to replace evolution with creationism in science classes. Intelligent Design my ass. More like Designed to Make Kids Less Intelligent. "We ain't teaching creationism in school! We're teaching there-had-to-be-some-sort-of-god-to-create-the-universe-ism, which is TOTALLY DIFFERENT. Y'all believe in fish with legs. We believe in snakes that talk, and BY GOD, OUR KIDS ARE GONNA BELIEVE IN TALKIN' SNAKES TOO!"
Girls who hear that guys like big asses, who then think they're goddesses because they have gigantic asses. Let me explain something. When guys say they like big asses, they're talking about asses like Vida Gurerra's, Shakira's, Beyonce's, Jennifer Lopez'. These girls have asses that are smooth and have a nice bubble shape, something to smack and squeeze a little. How can you look at your own ass, that's shaped like a bean bag chair and think "ALRIGHT! I GOT A NICE BIG ASS!" Look. There's a lot of grey area between "cute little bubble" and "sofa cushion filled with cauliflower." Yes, I am aware that there is a subset of guys who are really into giant fat jiggly cellulite asses. There is a name for these guys: "Desperate."
Parents who refuse to own up to any cause of childhood trauma. Like, your mother would have done something that you vividly remember, that you still feel shitty about or that maybe even permanently altered your personality or your opinion of her, and when you bring it up in conversation, she denies that it ever happened.
"Hey, Mom, remember when I was in seventh grade and I wanted some Air Jordans really bad, but you refused to buy them and instead compromised by buying those cheap knock-off Air Jordans that had some weird lines instead of the Nike swoosh, and I didn't want to wear them but you made me because you bought them, and I went to school and all the kids laughed at me and called me Air Gordon and hit me?"
"I remember you wanted Air Jordans, but we bought them for you."
"No you didn't."
"Well you had some."
"I bought a pair for myself with my birthday money. In fact I remember you grounded me for 'wasting' my birthday money and riding my bike to the mall to get them."
"The blue and black ones?"
"Yeah, I bought those. The knock-offs you bought me were red white and black."
"No, we bought the blue and black ones. I don't know what you're talking about. We never bought you any off-brand Air Jordans, and I seriously doubt we grounded you for buying shoes."
People in foodservice who are made to wear plastic gloves by their bosses, who think that it's perfectly acceptable to punch in, put on a pair of gloves, and then wear that same pair of gloves until they punch out. Uhh... what's the fucking point? You have dirty gloves instead of dirty hands. Same shit.
One-Hit-Wonders with Greatest Hits albums. Quick! Name any song by the Sugar Hill Gang OTHER than "Rapper's Delight." Yeah, apparently they made other music, and 10 tracks of it ended up on a Greatest Hits album.
We've all seen plenty of videos online of people skateboarding or skydiving or "pwning" some videogame. Would it be too much to ask to use a song that was NOT on a Matrix soundtrack and that was NOT written by Linkin Park, Korn or Evanescence as the background music? Also, I'd like to take this time to let you in on a little secret. "Down with the Sickness" is a retarded song, and does not make your video of people falling and breaking their faces on rollerblades seem more hardcore, only more retarded. Here's another secret. When you're 16 and you fall and break your face on rollerblades (the semi equivalent of a Pogo-Ball that didn't go out of fashion as quickly), you think you're hardcore. When you're 30 you will just wish that your front teeth were real as you take them out and put them in a glass next to your bed at night.
Another one from the Total Moron Department: People who can't comprehend extremely basic concepts of commerce. There is this deli that I go to that has a salad bar where you serve yourself and then the clerk weighs it and charges you by weight. I had THOUGHT that everyone had seen this shit and understood this concept. Apparently I was wrong. As I stood behind this lady in a business suit, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The lady stood there with her salad in her hand staring at the clerk, who stood there staring back at her with his hand outstretched. She had no clue what he wanted.
"Ma'am? Could I weigh that?"
"What?"
"I need to weigh your salad?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I need to weigh it."
"Uh... okay," she says as she reluctantly hands the guy the salad. The guy weighs it and $4.55 pops up on the register display. "That's not right."
"Pardon?"
She points at the sign by the salad bar that says 35 cents per ounce. "The sign said 35 cents."
"35 cents per ounce."
She looks baffled and suspicious. "But... Where did you get 4.55?"
"That's what the scale says."
"Well I'm going to put this back."
"You can't. You already mixed everything up and put dressing on it and stuff."
"But... $4.55? Are you sure?"
"Yes, Ma'am. The salad is charged by weight. It's 35 cents per ounce, $5.60 per pound."
"$5.60 for a salad?"
"Well... if you put a pound of stuff in there. If you get less it's less. If you get more it's more."
"This is wrong."
"Pardon?"
"How can you put a sign up there that says 35 cents and then charge me $5.60?"
"$4.55."
"Still! That's false advertising! It's like you're just making the price up. You can't just charge whatever you feel like."
"Well if you look, it says right on the sign 'per ounce.'"
"Whatever," she says as she angrily gives the guy the money.
Personal ads that feature the person's kids as much as they feature the person who posted the ad. Yeah, yeah. You're family oriented.... NNNNNNNEXT Seriously though, in almost all occasions, children are a liability to you having a happy dating life, not an asset. If I make a personal ad, I'm not going to put the main focus on my gut, my receding hairline and my cluttered apartment. Use some common sense.
People who get up at fucking 5am who think it's perfectly normal and acceptable to call you before 7am to tell you something they could just as easily tell you at 10am.
TIRED PLOT CONCEPTS IN VIDEOGAMES
"Hey! A Tram. This will take us exactly where we want to go IF you can figure out a way to rotate it in the proper direction."
"Hi. I'm your friendly neighborhood mission critical NPC. Only I can activate the doo-hickey, which is just a button. Escort my very lightly armored helpless self through a huge gauntlet of assholes with rocket launchers, but don't let me die or you'll have to start all over."
"Congratulations. You have just acquired the first crystal / talisman / triforce / etc. Now you must get the other (number greater than 4)."
"Oh no! The villains just captured your vague love interest. This vague love interest, of course, knows something or has some special ability that the villain needs to win. What ever shall you do?"
"Wow! This room sure has a lot of enemies in it. Good thing they were nice enough to store a barrel of fuel / toxic sludge right in the middle of the room which will explode if one or two bullets hit it."
"Oh no! The villain has done something time-critical, like initiating the launch sequence on a nuclear missile, and you need to stop it from launching. Please feel free to explore, take your time, go afk for a while, come back, smash some boxes, try to see if you can jump up on top of that ledge.... no hurry. It's not like it will actually launch, unless having it launch is part of the story line, and even then it will launch only when you pass a certain point in the map."
"Boy. It sure is a shame that this room on your path through the enemy base is full of lava / toxic sludge / electricity. I wonder if there is a vent around here that you could crawl through to get you to a bridge control / drain valve / electric breaker."
And, of course, the inverse,
"We need to blow up the reactor. I wonder if there is a switch nearby that CONVENIENTLY will overload the reactor with the push of one button and the reactor, of course, has no sort of failsafe emergency shutdown."
"Holy shit! It's a giant enemy that kills you in one or two shots and is totally invulnerable to your weapons. I wonder if there is some switch nearby that will activate a giant laser / flame thing / electric discharge / acid valve that will kill the monster."
"I'm an exiled princess determined to regain my throne. You're a scruffy, vulgar thief with a mysterious past who seems to be uncannily skilled. You don't suppose... we might be... related?"
"You need to activate the generator. This, of course, requires you to go to 3-5 different areas that are all far apart and loaded with enemies. What, you think people design generators that can be activated from one location?"
"HA-HAAA We have captured you and taken all your weapons! Surely you won't figure out a way to escape your cell or take the gun in the next room."
"Hmmmm... There doesn't seem to be any way to get past. I wonder if that conveniently located crane has anything to do with remedying this situation."
"Oh no! There's a helicopter trying to kill me. Well look at that! As fate would have it, someone just happened to drop a rocket launcher right here."
"Hey! It's a really big, empty, square arena-like room with no cover with ammo and health pickups scattered around. Surely there won't be some huge enemy that appears and starts kicking ass or anything."
"Hey! It's a giant cache of weapons, ammo, armor and health packs... Gee, I wonder if I'm going to have to fight a boss or huge horde of monsters as soon as I grab it and go through that door."
"This big platform-like elevator sure is going slowly. Surely things aren't going to attack me while I'm on it or anything."
"Check out my awesome gold sword! It's awesome because gold is a soft, heavy-as-fuck metal, and that's great for making melee weapons out of. Nevermind the fact that I will hardly be able to lift it and it will be dull as soon as I hit something."
"Welcome to our totally original RPG. There are several totally original races to choose from. You can play as a huge hulking guy who is really strong and durable but sucks at any kind of magic, the diminutive cute race that excels at magic but sucks at melee, the ancient race that once ruled this land but is now diminished that's pretty good at everything, the race modeled after an animal that's nimble and quick that makes an excellent rogue type character, or you can play as a human which is sort of an in-between non-specialized race."
"Wow! As it turns out, we are actually standing on top of the remains of an ancient civilization that was actually much more advanced than our own, that was ruined thousands of years ago by some cataclysmic force. Surely we won't have to fight the thing that destroyed their whole civilization and win with a simple rocket launcher."
"Gee. I wonder why my really awesome weapons aren't doing any damage to this boss. I wonder if maybe the only weapon that hurts him is that weapon that I never use because it's a completely useless piece of shit."
"I know I've been helping you kill shit for the last 10 minutes and am an extremely useful NPC to have around, as I can provide you with ammo, health packs and armor repair, but I have my orders to stay here and guard this bridge / door / switch / etc."
"SURPRISE! I am the main villain who has been pretending to be on your side all this time, even though I was just using you to bring on some horrible... uhh... stuff! You should have been able to guess that I was the villain from the start because I am a wealthy corporate CEO!"
"GRRR! I am the big mean boss guy! We just fought and you got my health bar to the bottom. You may think you've won, but now you get to fight my considerably more offensive second form!"
Subhumans that say "should of, would of," etc. as in "Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn't of dropped out of school in the third grade."
People who have more email addresses than they have friends.
Things advertised as "Genuine" when the thing that they "Genuinely" are is absolutely unimpressive. "Genuine Idaho Potatoes." "Genuine Wisconsin Cheddar." "Miller Genuine Draft." "Genuine GM Parts." Who cares? Allow me to show my genuine lack of giving a shit.
Women with hair-trigger maternal instincts that outweigh any kind of common sense. You're dating some girl for a month or two, you're both starting to feel comfortable with each other, then some synapse misfires and she blurts out, "LET'S HAVE A BABY!" I have a better idea. How about I go home and stop returning your phone calls. Do these women seriously not realize that planning a family after two months of dating hits an 8.5 on the What-the-fuck-o-meter? Seriously, control yourselves.
Animated skeletons in videogames. Seriously... You're making a videogame. All of the management and developers are talking over the boardroom table about what elements to put in the game. Someone says, "Well, it goes without saying that we'll have skeleton warriors." That's when you say, "Hasn't that been done enough? Seriously, can't we think of anything more creative?" You will get a raise, I guarantee it.
People who mispronounce fairly common words. Look, "Melee" is correctly pronounced "MAY-lay, may-LAY or meh-LAY," not "MEE-LEE." Also, "Cache" is pronounced "Cash," not "CashAY." The E is silent... like you should be.
Cats' natural instinct to seek out a carpet when they have to puke. I have one rug in my apartment. The rest of the apartment has nice EASY TO CLEAN hardwood floors, except the bathroom which has nice EASY TO CLEAN tiles and the kitchen which has nice EASY TO CLEAN linoleum. When my cat decides it's time to puke, where do you think she runs.
Those retarded "Two crazy guys" radio shows. Bob and Tom, Opie and Anthony, First name and First name. Who gives a shit? These shows are never funny except to the lowest common denominator who will laugh out loud at the mere mention of the word "titty." Here's a guide on how to create one of these shows. First, you find two idiots with really obnoxious laughs who cackle hysterically at ANYTHING. Recruitment of these idiots is easy. Simply go to any sports bar you want and listen for that one asshole whose idiotic laugh can be heard over every other sound in the room. They should also never be photographed without wearing baseball hats. This is to conseal the tubes and wires that go into their brains to make them laugh everytime someone pushes the "laugh" button. Then you get some redneck comedian a-la Larry the Cable Guy, Jeff Foxworthy etc. who plays songs primarily about farting and titties. The two idiots will then laugh at the songs like "HYAH HYAH HYAH HYAH HYAH." In between songs, all you need to do is find recent "News of the Weird" articles and read them aloud on the air. The two retards will then react in a predictably immature manner with asinine commentary which will lead into more "HYAH HYAH HYAH HYAH" cackling as they laugh at their own retarded jokes at which even Carrot Top would shake his head in disappointment. This goes on for two-plus hours 5 days a week.
I have had a regular alarm clock for a long time, and recently it has stopped being able to wake me up. I sleep right through it. So I decided that I needed something louder and bought a clock radio. When I set it up, I looked for some non-retarded channel that I could halfway tolerate being shaken out of bed by at 5am so I wouldn't be cursing at some rap or pop shit at that moment when it startles me awake and I want to die just so I can rest some more. I found some rock station and figured I was fine. At the time I set the clock it was playing Pink Floyd, so I figured it would be playing something similar in the morning that I could handle. What did I awaken to? "HYAH HYAH HYAH HYAH HYAH!!!" FUCK YOU! Of course, I'm captain snooze alarm, so every nine minutes I get to hear the most inane bullshit, even below the usual crappy standard. Seriously, these people are idiots. 5:00am: "So yeah, the new season of survivor looks like it's gonna be awesome!" SLAP! 5:09: "This morning my dog decided it was going to chew up my floorboards." SLAP! 5:18: "HYAH HYAH HYAH" SLAP! 5:27: Boy, I don't know what I'd do without my coffee." SLAP! 5:36: "That's a shame about that Crocodile Hunter guy." Seriously, they don't even fucking talk about ANYTHING but bullshit. It's a guy and a girl and it's like they're just hanging out and talking, but with mics in front of them, and neither of them are the least bit funny or smart. 90% of what they talk about is just some shit they saw on TV the night before, and it makes me that much angrier to be awake.
Opie and Anthony can eat my ass. Say what you will about them getting banned from radio, I think they shouldn't have been on the radio in the first place just because of quality control. Free Speech is Free Speech. What does having two people fucking in public in St. Patricks Cathedral have to do with Free Speech? I think Catholicism is stupid too, but when you run a radio show on a huge corporate radio station, and you send two people to fuck in public in probably the most famous church in North America, all you're asking for is to get fired. It's basically like showing up to your monday strategy meeting at work, and when the CEO starts talking, you stand up, take off your jacket to reveal a t-shirt with "PLEASE FIRE ME" written on it in pig's blood, turn around, pull down your pants, and take a giant shit on top of the boardroom table. Sure, you made your point, but you're also going to be out of work. Boy, that sure was daring of them to do that.... oh wait.... sorry, I meant retarded.
I know this sounds strange coming from king grammar police himself, but if someone posts on a forum or elsewhere and makes valid, logical arguments, and in fact pretty much kicks your ass and makes you look totally wrong, you should be able to come up with a more intelligent response than, "Ever hear of paragraphs? LOL Wall of text!"
Even More Germ Freaks. At the cafeteria at my job, they have all the grill and whatnot right behind the line so customers can see the people making their food. I have this guy who does fries. At the time he was not wearing gloves, but I didn't think it was a big deal, because not only does he frequently wash his hands, he dumps the frozen fries in the deep fryer straight from the bag, then scoops the cooked fries into a pan and then puts them into the fry cups with tongs so there's practically no contact with food. I was there and he was dumping the frozen fries in the deep fryer, and one fry fell out onto the countertop, which is also clean. He casually picked up the fry with his fingers and tossed it into the grease.
Just then I heard this girl who was waiting in line go "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
"What's wrong?"
"He touched the fries with his hands."
"So... What's wrong with that?"
"He's not wearing gloves or anything."
"So.... He had the single fry between his two fingers for less than a second, and then tossed it into 380 degree grease..."
"Yeah, but still!"
"Anything that he could have possibly transferred to that fry was killed the instant it hit the grease, and it's going to stay submerged in that grease for five minutes. You realize dishwashers don't even get up to half the temperature of that grease, right?"
"Whatever! That's gross. He's not supposed to be touching it with his hands. You know I'm right."
You know... In a way I wish she was right. I wish that someone would touch her food and give her a horrible infection that kills her after several years of weeping sores all over her body, severe vomitting and rectal bleeding.
Music videos that have a band... on a stage.... or in a studio.... playing a song... and that's it. Wow. Thanks for going all out and getting really creative, guys. I never could have imagined what you guys would look like playing a song. Double bonus points if you include shots of the band hanging out or sleeping on the tour bus, or if you're really creative you can show them tuning their instruments or practicing before the show / recording, because that's fucking farout.
Those stupid Flash animations, videos and webpages with that stupid screaming "scare" thing. That was funny... ONCE... like two years ago when it came out. Now it's fucking tired and boring. They will have some peaceful scene, maybe with soft music, maybe a picture of some hot chick, or maybe a normal looking room where you're supposed to find something wrong, and then SCREEEEEE!!!! someone in black and white flashes on the screen looking all spooky or whatever. It's gotten to be so pathetically predictable. "Find what's wrong in this picture." "Listen for the hidden message in this really really quiet song." Lame. You can see the shit coming a mile away, then at like the 90% point, the outcome is the same. SCREEEEEE!!!!! Oh, boy. You got me. Good thing I don't have a heart condition. Whatever. It's gotten to the point where whenever something on the internet looks too peaceful or has music that is recorded a little too low, you KNOW that the scare thing is about to happen, and then it does, and you weren't the least bit scared because you knew what was going to happen. Seriously. This trick only works on people who have never seen it, which means, since everyone in the civilized world is tired of it, the only people this will still work on live in primitive villages deep in the wilderness where dirt roads don't even go, and if you showed it to them they would probably just cut your head off. That shit isn't even the slightest bit scary, or ironic, or humorous anymore. So, if it's not scary, funny or ironic.... STOP MAKING THEM.
And what's better than a scare video? THE FLOOD OF VIDEOS OF PEOPLE GETTING SCARED THAT COMES A FEW DAYS LATER. People set up their friends (who have presumably either smoked a lot of pot and are suffering from memory loss or just got released from prison where they couldn't have seen any other scare videos) and watch them get scared. "Hey look. It's a guy in a chair watching that scare video I saw last week. I bet he jumps and/or screams, then laughs with his friends who set him up. Oh - there's the jump, there's the scream, there's the laughing. Boy I sure am glad I watched that."
Well-Researched Idiots. Today this guy came up to me at work complaining that he had spent too much money on an item and wanted it corrected. The price he purchased it for was clearly marked and it wasn't an accident that we priced it that way. Basically the item sells really well and we need money, and if we price it high, sales seem unaffected, so fuck it. Have some movie theatre snack prices, suckers. Also keep in mind this is New York City, home of 8 dollar beers, 40 dollar a day parking and 2000 a month studio apartments.
"I bought a large bag of Terra Chips from your kiosk for $6.00 last week."
"Okay..."
"So.... That's crazy."
"Well... You didn't HAVE to buy it."
"I went on their website and the suggested retail price of that package is $2.99."
"Okay...."
"So what are you going to do for me?"
"You knew the chips were overpriced when you bought them, right?"
"Yeah."
"And you bought them anyway."
"But the suggested retail price is $2.99."
"But nobody MADE you buy it. You knew the price was high, but you chose to buy them despite the high price.... (guy stares at me obstinately) It's not like we misrepresented how much we would charge you for the chips.... So.... what do you want us to do about it?"
Seriously though, I know 6 bucks is an absurd price to pay for chips, but they fly out the door so fast we run out of stock, so fuck this guy. If we priced them at 50 bucks a bag, what would he do, buy them, eat them, and then come back with some information he got off their website, bitching that we need to refund his money? I mean, if this guy is smart enough and has the WILL to go on the internet and look up the suggested retail price of a bag of chips, then WHY THE FUCK IS HE TOO STUPID to pick up the bag of chips, read the 6 dollar price tag, and think, "No. That is too much to pay for chips. I will not buy this."? Does he have no control? Does money just leap out of his wallet and into people's hands? "OH FUCK! I bought another ten cases of Dom Perignon! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME? DAMN! I just bought a Ferrari! SOMEBODY MAKE ME STOP!"
Hmm... What was that expression about "A Fool and his Money" again?
The thing in RPG games where NPC's stand there doing nothing in the exact same spot 24 hours a day. I mean, I know it would be more difficult to program them so they walk around or go to different areas of towns, or even something as simple as having them there only at certain times, but it seems silly to have some little old lady standing next to a gate so she can say, "Things sure were different before the war. I wonder if the road will ever be fully restored," whether it's Tuesday at 4 in the afternoon or Saturday at 3:15 in the morning, rain or shine.
An update for the above. I recently got the game Oblivion and NPC's wander all over the place. They wander all over towns, interact with each other, occasionally leave town and wander around in the woods. This would be great except for one thing. THE NPC's are too stupid to live. The first time I found this was when I was going to buy a house in the town of Skingrad. I needed to talk to this guy and there was a quest arrow pointing at where he was. He was SUPPOSED to be in the castle but I followed the arrow.... to his DEAD BODY. He had apparently wandered off this high bridge and died. Later I was out in the wilderness and found the Countess of Leyawiin, who is also an important player in several quests, getting her ass kicked by a spriggan. NPC's fall in holes, drown in ponds, get in fights to the death with each other... it's weird. It's often funny, but with the frequency of NPC's getting killed, I have a feeling that after a while of playing, I'm going to have to use the console to respawn someone for just about every quest I do.
Motion sensing devices that are extremely sensitive... except when they are actually supposed to activate. You walk into a public restroom and the toilet flushes and the paper towel dispenser starts spitting out towels. You walk into the stall, pull down your pants, sit down, and the toilet flushes again. You do your business and stand up, expecting the toilet to flush. It doesn't. Then you walk over to the sink to wash your hands. As soon as you walk within a 6 foot radius of the towel dispenser it rolls out some more towel. You rip the towel off and wipe your hands, but they aren't fully dry (because no automated paper towel dispenser on the planet will give you enough towel to actually get your hands dry on the first try), so you wave your hand in front of the dispenser. Nothing happens. Then, inexplicably, the toilet flushes. You continue waving your hand in front of the towel dispenser for a few seconds before giving up. As you open the restroom door to leave, the towel dispenser kicks in and the toilet flushes.
The way it's really hard to find good anime to watch because 2% of it is really good and 98% of it is complete dogshit and almost all anime review sites are made by pathetic fan-boys who think that 98% of all anime is amazing and the other 2% is pretty damn good.
People who know where something is, but give you completely retarded directions.
"Do we have any coffee cups?"
"Yeah, they're in the storeroom."
I look in the storeroom and don't see them. "Where in the storeroom?"
"They're just inside the door."
I look all around within a few paces from the door and don't see them. "I don't see them."
"Okay, go in and look to your left. They are on a shelf that's at eye level next to the plastic forks and spoons and stuff."
Once again I walk into the storeroom. I stop a few feet inside the door and look to my left. The only thing on the shelf are reams of printer paper - no cups, no forks, no spoons. I look on the shelves above and below in case the cups are in a slightly different location, but don't see them. So I walk back out like a moron and ask AGAIN.
"*Sigh*... C'mere, I'll show you." They walk into the storeroom and keep walking after they get inside the door. They walk about 15 feet into the storeroom and make a right and walk down an aisle for another 15 feet and grab a big box that's on a shelf about 7 feet up to the right, and nowhere near any forks or spoons." There ya go." (Said with a "You're a blind idiot" tone).
Bosses in first person shooter games that are apparently just people, just like all those guards you mowed down with a couple of bullets each, and despite the fact that they don't seem to be wearing any particularly elaborate armor, they can take hundreds of bullets, plasma blasts, rockets, grenades, and nuclear explosions directly in the face and keep coming back for more.
People who bitch and want you to place a service call when something is performing exactly as it was designed to.
"We need someone to come look at this coffee machine."
"What's wrong with it?"
"It's SO slow. Like, the coffee just kinda dribbles out really slowly. I think it's clogged or something."
"Clogged?"
"Well make a pot and look."
I make a pot of coffee and nothing seems unusual.
"See?"
"See what? That's what it does."
"No way is it supposed to be that slow."
"Well what do you expect? That's how it works."
"No way. I should be able to put in the grounds, push the button and BANG! Pot of coffee."
"But it doesn't work like that. You put the grounds in, push the button and water squirts into the funnel and gravity makes the water seep through the grounds and filter and into the pot. It's not going to SHOOT into the pot at turbo speed."
"So you're not going to call the repairman?"
"Uh, well, considering that getting the repairman here costs us 125 bucks and there's absolutely nothing wrong with this coffee machine, uh, NO, I'm not going to call the repairman."
People who bring back food from the local Sketchy Kitchen takeout restaurant in those little foil dishes with the paper covers and then insist that you eat some because they bought plenty.
"Gee.... thanks for the uhh.... what is this?"
They stare at it for a disturbingly long time. "Uhhhh..... That's pork."
"What about the orange chunk thing?"
They stare at it even longer. "Uhhhh.... It's GOOD. Eat it."
On the outside you're saying, "Mmmmmm! Thanks!" but on the inside you're saying, "Aaaaaaaahhh! I can feel myself getting trichinosis right now!"
People who STILL go on about how Sean Connery, Robert Redford and Paul Newman are sexy. Uh... NO. THEY ARE NOT. They WERE, but WERE and ARE are two different fucking things, and Clint Eastwood never fucking was, and remains NOT. I don't give a shit what he directed, he looks like he died 15 years ago and his undead corpse is still walking around directing shit.
People who do something half-assed and then refuse to fix it because they "did it already."
"Dave, I asked you to sweep the floor earlier."
"I did."
"Really? It doesn't look like it."
"Well I did it."
"Look at this floor. There is no way any sane person would look at this floor and think that someone had swept it."
"Oh well."
"Well I need you to sweep it again, because it looks really bad."
"Pffff. So how many times do you expect me to sweep the floor? I told you I did it already."
"I expect you to sweep the floor as many times as it takes to make it look like you did it once properly."
Videogames with Save Points. Look. The only thing more infuriating than losing to your cheap-ass boss characters is losing, then restoring your game, then working your way to a checkpoint where there's a cutscene, then clicking through the dialogue, then entering the fight again, losing, then restoring your game, then working your way to a checkpoint where there's a cutscene, then clicking through the dialogue..... Here's a novel idea. How about you let me save WHEN I FEEL LIKE FUCKING SAVING.
People who only think about how they are going to "make it" in life 100% of the time and think that people who actually kick back and stop worrying occasionally are lazy and without goals or direction.
Okay, listen up, retards. I'm sure you are well familiar with a preparation of food usually consisting of two slices of bread, meat, vegetables, cheese and maybe sauces or spreads. This is called a SANDWICH. That is the proper fucking name. There is an S, an A, an N, a D, a W, an I, a C and an H in this word in that order. You are not at liberty to ADD or SUBTRACT or REPLACE letters in this word or rearrange the order of the letters. Doing so stamps you as a moron for life and you should go take a long bath with cinder blocks on your chest. You might notice the absence of the letter M in this word. This is important to note, as there is no such thing in the universe as a SAMMICH or SAMWICH. These are imaginary things only known to idiots, and they do not exist in reality. Nor do SANWICHES. I've also never heard anyone ever mention building a SANG castle so I have have no fucking idea why I have heard people say the word SANGWICH, especially when I heard someone who worked at Burger King say it. Sandwiches are 99% of everything you fucking sell. How the fuck, when you are surrounded by sandwiches for eight hours a day, and say the word sandwich probably a couple hundred times a day, can you say fucking SANGWICH? Enjoy working at Burger King UNTIL YOU DIE, hopefully with your head dunked in the deep fryer. If you're six years old and say Samwich, you are off the hook because you have teeth missing and shit and are about as smart as a bar of soap, but if you're an adult and say it, please do us all a favor and stop being alive.
People who need glasses and actually OWN glasses, but never actually have them with them EVER. They constantly fuck shit up and then when you ask them why they're fucking up, "Oh, man. I can't make this out without my glasses." Here's a pretty simple solution. If you need your glasses to see shit, and your job kinda sorta requires you to see shit, WEAR YOUR FUCKING GLASSES. I mean, you're at home getting ready for work. You come to that point where you've showered and gotten dressed and you're gathering the shit you know you're going to need: wallet, keys, cell phone, company ID.... Don't you have the thought, "Hmmm. Yesterday sucked for some reason. I kept fucking up and the boss kept yelling at me because I couldn't see shit. How could I ensure that today I can see what the fuck I'm doing?"
People who keep aquariums that don't have a single living thing in them. Uh... NICE ILLUMINATED GLASS BOX OF WATER AND GRAVEL.
People who are as deaf as posts who have some stupid pride bullshit where they won't do anything about it even when their health insurance will pay for a hearing aid.
"The purveyor said we would get our paper supplies by Tuesday."
"Ok."
"Also, your sister has a hot ass and I like to spank it while I blow my yogurt in her honey pot."
"Yeah, ok. No problem. Thursday?"
"No, Tuesday."
"Ok."
Fucked up fetishes that are so stupid they could have only come from the internet. When I first saw the rather disturbingly large number of "Furry" sites on the internet, I thought, WOW! Now that's the dumbest thing I have ever seen. What bothers me more is that this was only the tip of the iceberg. Soon, with many thanks to Somethingawful's Awful Link of the Day, I came to find that there was no shortage of completely retarded fetishes to be laughed at. Today's Awful Link of the Day is for people who have a fetish for watching women stuck in quicksand..... WHY? HOW? There are guys who like to dress up as women, complete with woman MASKS, there are guys who like to dress up in clothes meant to resemble what might be found on little girl's toy dolls, erotic fan-fiction for just about every book, tv show, movie, and cartoon ever made, photoshopped shit with girls with multiple pairs of tits, and there are people who get off on the idea of BEING EATEN BY GIANTS. Only on the fucking internet could idiocy like this find a COMMUNITY. Get busted picking your nose at a traffic light? Don't worry, somewhere there's some freak sitting in his dark basement apartment busting a load RIGHT NOW to a slow motion closeup video of someone picking their nose, and he has lots of friends who like the same thing - thanks to the internet.
People who sporadically become anal retentive neat freaks for no apparent reason once in a while. They will be in a space they are in frequently, maybe an office or apartment, and the place really isn't any dustier or greasier or cluttered than it is on any other day, and some misfiring synapse causes them to stop what they're doing , look around, and go, "What the FUCK! This place is a filthy fucking pig sty!" Tuesday afternoon at 5:30pm as they leave work the place is perfectly fine. Wednesday morning at 9am the place is a disaster area. Nothing has moved an inch since they last saw it. Nothing is any dirtier than it was before, but now SOMETHING MUST BE DONE, and people around this neurotic idiot who don't immediately drop what they're doing and pitch in with the cleaning are lazy slobs who are to blame for the sorry state of the place. What's even worse is when this person has some actual authority such as a manager at work. "I know it's Friday afternoon at 4:45, but JUST LOOK AT THIS PLACE."
Assholes who go to a store and pay in cash, then after the cashier has rung them up, and they hand the cashier some money, they wait for the cashier to enter in the amount they gave them and THEN start digging for change to go "Oh wait a second. I think I have some change." Then they hand the cashier a couple of quaters, and the thing wasn't an even 50. The cashier has already dug half of your change out of the drawer, and now you're asking them to do math in their head with 800 people waiting behind you.
People with manufactured speech impediments. I work with this fucker who lisps severely all the time... except when they decide to stop. She apparently thinks is makes her sound cool or something, so listening to her speak sounds like a long string of "TH's" until she wants to be serious, and then she speaks perfectly clearly. Congratulations, you sound like a retard intentionally. I almost laughed out loud when she said "Pothtath Thtampthh" (Postage Stamps).
Here's one that I didn't know existed before a few weeks ago. Managers who schedule people for days off, who then hold a grudge against the person for actually taking those days off and not calling in to see how things are going, seeing if they are needed, etc. Uhh... When I'm off, I'm off. I don't show up at work on my day off JUST IN CASE. I don't call in to see if they need anything. That's what OFF means. It means you don't do work shit. It means you go somewhere other than work and think about shit other than work, and doing so DEFINITELY SHOULDN'T JEOPARDIZE YOUR JOB. "Take Thursday off." Then on Friday, "So what's it like to just sit around all day?"
People who hear some "advanced" or colorful word and use it EVERY chance they get to the extent that you know it's only a matter of time before they say it again. "Wait a second... Uh oh... He's got his finger to his chin looking thoughtful. Smart looking women around... It won't be long now. He's gonna say it, I just know it..... HAAAAAAA! 'Ineluctable.' God, what a pretentious choad!"
Ebay idiots who intentionally mislead people into looking at their ads by putting stupid shit in the ad title that is somewhat similar to their own item. Ad title: "NINE INCH NAILS PROMO CD." Fans think, "Holy shit! A Promo? I wonder what it's for!" Then they click on it and it's some unsigned band's home-recorded CD. "If you like Nine Inch Nails, you should check out Blackened Shroud." Why didn't they put "Blackened Shroud CD" in the title? Because they know that nobody on the face of the earth gives a shit about their CD and would never search for them or look at their ad. In the end the outcome is the same, because either way, nobody is going to buy their CD.
"Hello, MTV program director."
"Hello, I'm calling from Jdub Records. We have an artist we would like you to consider putting into obnoxiously heavy rotation."
"What kind of music do they play?"
"Reggae."
"Sorry, we don't play any reggae."
"I think you would like this reggae though."
"Sorry. Our format is rap, rap, commercial, rap, r&b, commercial, Limp-Bizkit-clone, commercial, rap, Limp-Bizkit-clone, commercial, one of two music news articles that we alternate over and over all day, commercial, Franz-Ferdinand-clone, rap, commercial, r&b, commercial, then repeat the loop. We don't have a slot for reggae. Do they have any kind of transparently silly gimmick or something?"
"The lead singer is a Hassidic Jew from the suburbs in White Plains who sings as though he's a black guy from Jamaica."
"Wow! Are they free to headline TRL today?"
Videogames that are only challenging because they won't give you enough ammo. Maybe it's just me, but in a "shoot-em-up" game, wouldn't it be more fun to actually be able to shoot things up rather than being forced to use the shittiest possible gun all the time?
Videogames that are only challenging because you can't see a fucking thing. "Hey, I know. Let's make the place like this complicated maze, litter it with all kinds of tubes and grates and wires and have computers and chairs and stuff strewn everywhere as obstacles... and here's the kicker. It's pitch black. Everything is totally dark... Oh, but of course enemies can see the player perfectly and come from every direction, so the player will end up wasting half their ammo shooting into dark space hoping to hit things he can't see.... which reminds me.... We need to put less ammo pickups."
The fact that on any internet forum if someone starts a thread asking how to resolve any problem with Windows, whether it's a security problem, graphics problem, hardware conflict, spyware, viruses, random crashes or anything, it's apparently a rule that one asshole will reply with "Use Linux." Yeah, great idea, fucktard. Here's a tip. If someone is having trouble with an operating system that is relatively simple to use effectively, they shouldn't switch to an OS that you practically need to take classes to operate effectively. Here's another tip. If a sound card or video card was designed to be used with Windows, and the drivers are designed to be used in Windows, then WHY WOULD THEY WORK BETTER in another OS? Maybe the person wrote in asking for advice to fix their problem in Windows because, uh, gee, maybe they want help fixing their problem, not switching their entire OS. So if you have a REAL answer for them, contribute, otherwise stick a cork in it, dipshit. When they write a post saying, "I really hate Windows and Apple. Is there some other OS I can use?" that's your cue. If they write in saying, "I'm having a weird problem with textures not loading correctly in F.E.A.R. which causes walls to look distorted," shut the fuck up unless you know how to fix their problem. And in general, isn't it time to fucking ditch this retarded "Use Linux" crusade? At this point you guys sound like a bunch of retarded Jehova's Witnesses or something. If people wanted to switch to Linux, they would have done it by now. If they haven't, then guess what, they won't. You morons have been posting "Use Linux" gibberish on every possible avenue for what, 15 years? Linux is never going to catch on for mainstream users - period. Get over it.
People who hear some "advanced" or colorful word and use (and often misuse) it in their writing, despite the fact they would never use it in a real conversation, to attempt make themselves look smarter.
"Last month we had a litany of complaints about the retail department."
"A litany, huh? Yeah, I can totally see you saying that in a conversation with an actual human being. Shut up, idiot."
People who write consumer reviews for sites like Amazon (read: bored assholes), whose "ratings" are totally inconsistent with their review, which gives the item in question an inaccurate rating.
"I thought this cell phone was supposed to be good, but after having it for two weeks, I'm returning it. It's a complete piece of garbage. First off, the battery mount is poorly designed and the battery keeps randomly falling off. I had to actually tape the battery to the phone. The other problem with the battery is that when the phone is in use, the battery gets really hot, I mean like hot enough to burn your hand. Then there's the problem with reception. Even in midtown Manhattan, I usually can't get a signal, and when I do, it only stays connected long enough to dial out, say hello to the person I want to talk to, and then it starts breaking up. Also the sound quality is terrible. There is always this whooshing static so it basically sounds like really bad AM radio reception. The address book keeps just deleting itself, and then the backlight burned out after four days. Yesterday was the final straw. I plugged the thing in to charge and the charger melted. It's really unbelievable how terrible this phone is. It is by far the worst cell phone I have ever seen. If you're looking for a cell phone, you would do better buying two soup cans and a string than this travesty of telecommunications technology.... Three stars out of Five."
"It was a pretty good movie. I saw it in the theatre and then bought the DVD. I've watched it maybe five or six times since I bought it and it's pretty cool. I also bought the soundtrack and the book that the movie was based on, and the movie is actually very true to the book.... One star out of Five."
What the fuck is that shit?
People who buy you the same present that you hate every year for Christmas or your birthday. Some years, you actually approach them with the fact that you don't like the thing they keep giving you, and next year they will still get you the same fucking thing. What's worse is they're SURE you love it and you have no fucking clue where the hell they got the idea that you like something which you actually despise.
"Merry Christmas! I think you already know what I got you! I know it's a big surprise, yuk-yuk!"
"Hmm.. I bet I know what you got me too. Ohh... yeah... uhhh.. the chocolate covered dried pineapple wedge candy stuff. Great."
"Your favorite, right? I always see those in the store and think 'Hey, there's Neg's candy!' Heh! Don't go eating them all at once!"
"Ohhh, don't you worry about me doing that."
The "fad" thing on ytmnd.com. Some of the pages on this site are truly hilarious, but there is a strong tendency for copycats to just regurgitate the same joke OVER and OVER and OVER. Your page is short on comedy? Just add Brian Peppers! Today there's a Macgyver fad. Take some bad situation (nuclear meltdown, Death Star, patient dying in surgery, etc.), sloppily photoshop a picture of Macgyver into the scene, Macgyver asks what he has to work with, someone says two random household items, "I'm on it," a frame says "14 seconds later" (it always says 14, by the way), problem solved, they ask how he did it, "I'm Macgyver, lol." That was amusing... ONCE, but they take that same EXACT formula and make 500 pages of the same exact shit.
People who have legitimate problems but think they can use them as a trump card to get whatever they want, even if the problem is in no way related to what they are asking for.
"My asthma's been really acting up so I think I should start taking Friday and Saturday off."
"But those are our busy days. Nobody that works here has Friday and Saturday off."
"But (cough) my asthma's been pretty bad lately."
"So what does that have to do with what days of the week you work?"
"Well I went to the doctor and they said they need to switch my medicine and I need to start doing these breathing exercises."
"So... What does that have to do with what days you have off? I mean, right now you have Sunday and Monday off. So... What's different about Friday and Saturday - as it relates to your asthma?"
"Well like I said, my asthma is really bad (cough cough) and I don't want to have an attack or something."
"Ok, let me rephrase. How does your asthma know what day it is? Does your Asthma take Friday and Saturday off too? Did your asthma pencil you in so you and your asthma can spend some time together?"
"So you're saying I can't switch to Fridays and Saturdays off?"
"Correct."
"What-(cough-cough-cough)-ever!"
Girls who flirt with guys that they would never actually touch in a million years because they think it's hilarious.
"Hiiiiiiiii, Mikey!"
"Hey."
"You know I'm totally in love with you, right?"
"Wow, really? Because I've been in love with you since the first moment I laid eyes on you."
"Hee hee hee Really??"
"No."
People who think that the number one problem plaguing America, worthy of the closest attention, is not government corruption, energy, corporate greed, class inequity, healthcare, the environment, terrorism, our relationships with other countries, trade, our national budget, the economy..... but race relations. Is racism a current problem? Without a doubt. Is it the most detrimental problem facing Americans? Get a grip.
People who think that buying crap at Pier One Imports makes them multicultural or artsy.
Uncreative hacks who can't think of NEW songs, so they try to remake songs that are considered classics or traditional favorites, like Christmas songs. Worse yet, they think they can give these songs some new kick, and end up just making them sound idiotic. Hey, ASS, it's a 100 year old song. Don't "jazz it up," just fucking play it correctly. "Jingle Belllllls! J-J-J-Jingle Bellllllls (massive tempo change) 'Cause they're jinglin' - aaaaand they janglin' - aaaaaand they're janglin' and a-jinglin' - jinglin' and a-janglin' - jangle jingle jangle j-j-jingle bellllllls!" Sh-sh-sh-SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUUUUP! What could fucking possibly be the purpose of remaking "Jingle Bells?" If someone likes "Jingle Bells," they sure as fuck don't want to hear you butcher it, and if they hate "Jingle Bells" all you're going to do is make them so furious at hearing an idiotic version of "Jingle Bells" that they're going to drive around town to find those Salvation Army guys with the Santa suits and little bells and kick them in the balls.
iPod bullshit.
Yes, once again it's time to bash Mac. How could I bash iPod, the adorable little mp3 player that is beloved by millions, you ask? Fasten your seatbelts.
First off, the name is retarded. I know it's Mac's main priority to be different, even if it's in an absurd or nonfunctional way, and true to form, they capitalize letters in the middle of a word, and pardon me, but that's idiotic.
I also hate the software. Why is it that Mac has such a hard time figuring out how to make a GUI that makes sense? They insist on making a "Library" that you add files to, and the goal of making you use this idea supercedes the obvious goal of putting crap from folder X into the iPod. Since most people just want to dump files from their hard drive to the iPod, why don't they have a one step means of doing so, instead of making you first add it to your "Library?" Do they really think that people are going to use their ridiculous program to listen to music, when far superior and less obtrusive programs exist? The whole interface makes it very, very easy to play music, something most users will never use it for, while its more obvious desired function, dumping files onto the iPod, is made unnecessarily cumbersome to the point that you wonder what kind of spray paint fumes the programmers were huffing. There is no "button" to transfer music from your hard drive to the iPod on the main display, but there ARE buttons for bullshit like graphic equalizers, visualizations, creating playlists, and showing album artwork... things that 99% of people won't even fucking touch, and if they do hit them it will only be in error on their search to find the one button that would do the OBVIOUS task that the software is there for at all. If you want to update the iPod (after creating a bullshit library) you have two options, neither one being obvious. You can look at the "Source" window and go down to the SIXTH entry, then RIGHT CLICK IT, or you can hit File and go down to the SEVENEETH OPTION. Fuck you Apple.
Here's my design for the perfect iTunes browser that gives everyone every function they will ever need to interface with their iPods. Remember the "KISS Rule." Keep It Simple, Shit-tards. Maybe Apple idiots would do well to remember that the phrase "Thinking outside the box" has the word THINKING in it, and THINKING would lead to an iPod browser that looks like this. Go ahead and use my fucking design, assholes, but if you do, I want money - REAL money, so don't go trying to pay me in iBucks or some stupid shit.
And what's with this "Do not disconnect" bullshit about? I understand that they want to avoid corrupting files when they are being transferred, but I haven't transferred shit in weeks, so what difference does it make? Oh, yeah. I remember. Like their "Library" bullshit, they want me to have to fidget with their software some more. Click that "Remove iPod" button, anything to give them another opportunity to stick the Apple logo in front of my eyes a couple of times. Fuck you, I just grab and go. I don't need permission. Has the thing burst ito flames after being yanked off its cradle a few hundred times? Nope. And how backwards is this shit? When you take it off the cradle, the backlight comes on and it goes to the menu. Does a cell phone, cd walkman, videocamera, digital camera, etc. TURN ON when you disconnect it from its charger? I know Mac wants to flatter themselves and think that every second the thing is not being charged that it's in use, but it's not a fucking cordless phone, and even most of those only go active when picked up if they're RINGING. This fucking thing is harder to TURN OFF than it is to turn on, which, considering that it operates on a battery, is fucking stupid. To turn it on, you have to pick it up, touch any button, blow on it, look at it funny, but to turn it off you have to hold the play / pause button for about five seconds, which is even dumber because sometimes the thing does't read button presses right, and you might hold the fucking button for five seconds only to have it pause or play, an error that could be easily averted with a fucking ON/OFF SWITCH.
Now to really push the envelope of idiotic design, my computer began behaving very strangely after installing this thing. I'm one of these people whose computer is on 100% of the time. My computer sometimes goes literally months between reboots, which makes the cause of things like what I'm about to describe hard to pinpoint sometimes. I installed some software that required a reboot. I installed and restarted and something very strange happened. Now, this is not a request for a bunch of cheeto chompers with coke bottle glasses and extensive collections of their own photoshopped naked Star Trek characters to write in with info on how to fix the problem in my bios or edit my registry, or an opening for these same creatures to flex their nerdy "I know something you don't because I am teh1337 h4X0R and you are teh n00b winblows user" muscles or whatever, because these people totally miss the point of how absurd the problem is in the first place. The mere fact that this shit could happen at all is mindblowing, and any ass that thinks something other than "wow - that's bullshit" is retarded, even if you know exactly how to fix it. I restarted, and I saw the usual bios messages and the windows startup logo... and then my screen went black. I thought at first that maybe the software I had installed was doing some setup procedures and that soon everything would progress as normal. Ten minutes later I'm sitting there with my face starting to burn trying to remember what might be on my C drive that isn't backed up if I have to format as I stare at the black screen. I hit the reset button hoping that the computer will, as it sometimes does, figure out what's wrong and boot up correctly. The same thing happens. As I sit there staring at the screen, imagining a Saturday lost to reinstalling Windows, all my hardware and all my software, I decide to not watch the pot as I try to boil water. Instead I take a shower and start to get ready for work. For 30 minutes I get ready and the screen is still black. By now I'm in the midst of a cursing rage. I'm ready for work and screaming my final curses at the computer as I pick the iPod off its cradle and stuff it in my pocket. Then something happens... The exact moment the iPod leaves its cradle I'm instantly aware that the computer is doing something. The hard drive LED is flickering and little noises are coming from inside the case. Then the screen lights up with the Windows login screen. I breathe a long, deep breath of relief. Then, as soon as the cool flood of dopamine is over, I'm overcome by the urge to bounce the fucking iPod off the ceiling. I mean, here we have a fucking ENTERTAINMENT DEVICE and it has the ability to PREVENT WINDOWS FROM BOOTING? What the FUCK! I could hook up a crap-ton of USB hubs and have so many webcams, digital cameras, mice, scanners, printers, headsets, and whatever hooked up that you couldn't even open the door to my room, but hook up one goddamn iPod and the whole system is fucked.
And here's something stupid. Recently they started making iPods that can play video. Now, if it was playing a live feed or TV, that would be one thing, but, uh, who the fuck is going to watch a music video or clip of a movie or whatnot on a ONE INCH BY TWO INCH SCREEN often enough to even bother transferring the file to the iPod in the first place? The ONLY reason to put videos on an iPod is to say, "Hey, look. I can play videos on an iPod." Then after you gain a few iPenis points, the reality sets in that playing videos on that little tiny screen is just a stupid way to drain the battery.
UPDATE: So recently I downloaded iTunes 7.0.1.8 and am now I'm TOTALLY pissed off. It had a message that my iPod is not running the current software and has a button to update the iPod. I hit this button and it churns and thinks and the little hourglass spins around for a couple of minutes... and then a message comes up saying that the iPod cannot be updated. I have a fairly recent model, by the way, the black 30 gig with video.... IF IT CAN'T BE UPDATED BY THE MOST RECENT FUCKING VERSION OF ITUNES, THEN WHAT THE FUCK CAN UPDATE IT? It's YOUR software and YOUR hardware... FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT, SHITHEADS! Also, and this is supremely stupid, Podcasts are SUPPOSED to auto-delete after you listen to them in full. That way you don't get gigs of shit piling up in your iPod. There's even an option to check for this. However, this has never actually HAPPENED on my iPod. They never delete on their own. I have to go into the fucking LIBRARY and manually delete them, and then go digging into the iTunes folder on my hard drive and manually delete them there too. As idiotic as this is in the first place, now I'm apparently completely fucked, because you cannot manually delete files directly from the iPod without deleting them from the libraby, and PODCASTS NO LONGER EVEN SHOW UP IN THE LIBRARY! So now I have about a gig of fucking files on my iPod that cannot be deleted and I had to unsubscribe from all my podcasts so my iPod doesn't just completely fill up and become useless. Once again, I know there's some ass out there who knows exactly how to correct this problem, and yes, I would like to know how to work around Apple's astoundingly shitty design and purge and update the iPod, but this, of course, misses the point. IF I HIT THE "UPDATE" BUTTON, IT SHOULD FUCKING UPDATE. IF I SET PODCASTS TO AUTO-DELETE AFTER LISTENING TO THEM, THEY SHOULD FUCKING AUTO-DELETE! Oh, and another thing, Appletards. When you have 10,000 files in a library, and I left click and scroll my mouse down, I AM NOT TRYING TO MOVE ONE FILE, particularly when all the files auto-organize by artist, album, etc. and when you drag and drop, the file doesn't actually GO ANYWHERE. I am trying to select multiple files! Gee, you might guess that I am tired of having a band's discography eating up space (which is now at a much higher premium thanks to your podcast non-auto-delete bullshit) and I might want to select and delete 100 files at a time, not have to hold CTRL and click, click, click, click, click, click, click 100 fucking times.... UPDATE ON THE UPDATE: So, after some time, some fury and some loud cursing, I decided to hit up some iPod forums, and sure enough there were plenty of topics dealing with the "can't delete podcasts" thing. So after reading one, I finally found that there's a TINY FUCKING TRIANGLE that you click that opens a new menu showing all your podcasts.... you know, the ones that are supposed to be deleted automatically. So I was finally able to delete the files using iPod's STUPIDLY UNINTUITIVE interface, though I still cannot update my iPod firmware.
Seriously, Apple, GIVE A SHIT. The company that brought you ONE BUTTON MICE for FIFTEEN YEARS now brings you an mp3 player interface that is just as impractical.
People in public places who are just a little bit TOO FUCKING INTERESTED in what you are doing. Now, I know I sometimes tend to use hyperbole, but this is exactly what happened to me today. I was at the grocery store buying one of those sponge mops with the mechanized wringers and kind of inspecting it because I seem to have this tendency to buy these mops that break about midway into their first usage. Yes, my life is fascinating. So anyway, this old lady sees me looking at the mop and says, "Wow, now theres someone with some work to do. A new mop. That's a good idea. Looks like he's going to be doing some cleaning around the house." I fled in horror. Yeah, uh, can I please buy a mop, thanks? Leave me the fuck alone, creepy old fucker.
People who would work 20 more hours a week every week if it meant making 1000 dollars more per year.
Once again I'm reminded of the complete lack of focus or priorities in the media. The time is December 22-24-ish 2005. Current events: Bush is busted in an apparently widespread abuse of domestic spying without consent from the courts that totally disregards the Fourth Amendment. The war in Iraq continues to suck major balls and Americans continue to be killed. The Iraqi elections are installing a predominantly Shiite fundamentalist government... you know, like the one in Iran where they all hate our guts and want us all to die. A transit strike between the MTA and TWU, the first in 25 years, is crippling New York City and causing a loss of over a billion dollars and making millions of people either walk or carpool for hours and hours every day to get to and from work in 20 degree cold during the Christmas rush. So.... what ends up on the front page of three New York City newspapers? Johnny Damon, a scruffy looking baseball player, is recruited to the New York Yankees, and is made to shave to clean up his image. Absorb this for a second. Okay... so... Domestic Spying... no biggie... Regimes forming in Iraq that will be far worse than Saddam Hussein in the long run... meh, who cares... The financial center of the US losing tons of money due to a crippling and illegal transit strike... oh well... Scruffy baseball player shaves... FRONT PAGE!
Products that would cease to exist if people started following the directions on their packaging. How long do you think they would continue to make Q-tips if people started reading the label and thinking, "Wow! I'd better not stick this in my ear."?
The idiocy of prostitutes demanding a ban on the popular videogame Grand Theft Auto. Just a quick reference: Freedom of Expression - Legally Protected // Prostitution - Legally Prosecuted. So uh, how about you blow it out your gaping HIV+ asses. What's next? "National Support Center for Ghosts calls for a ban on Pacman. 'We are not yours to eat,' say ghosts."
Managers who have absolutely no lives outside of work who think that people in their charge who do have lives outside of work, or are trying to have a life outside of work lack dedication and just don't care enough. "Well what do you have to do that's so important that you can't come in on a Saturday?" Uh, NOT go to work, asshole. That's a good enough reason to take a day off, in and of itself. A work week is supposed to be forty hours a week, not 50, oh wait, we need to do that inventory - 55 - oh and then we have to finish that report - 60 - oh and the yearly staff reviews are due next week so we'd better come in on Sunday - 68.... Hey asshole - I'm a person, not a job.
People at work who think that if you are younger than them it is perfectly reasonable for you to work like a horse twenty four hours a day seven days a week, even when you aren't particularly young, just younger than they are. "You worked 72 hours this week lifting heavy piles of lumber in the 90 degree sun? Ehh - that's no big deal. You're young!"
Reviewers who give things good ratings for stupid reasons. "The story is pretty dull for the most part and the dialogue and filming seemed pretty half-assed, but the main character is a paleontologist, and I always thought that was a really interesting science, and his name is Steve, which was the name of my college roommate who was really cool, so I give this movie a thumbs up." How the fuck does that make it a good movie, idiot?
People in the workplace who ask you for a report that could be of no specific usefulness or benefit, you know, because, uhh, there should be a report... or something. (Guy walks in at 4:30pm on a Friday afternoon.) "You know all those boxes of file folders in the storage room? Well you might notice that some of the folders have the tab on the right side, some on the left side, and then there are some that have the tab in the middle. They are packed randomly mixed in the boxes. Could you make an inventory and let me know how many of each type we have in stock?"
People who read this page and still fail to realize that none of these points are up for debate. They are all set in stone, so there's no need to email me to tell me you disagree with this or that. If you disagree, you are simply wrong. I'm sorry to break it to you so bluntly, but you are. If you email me to complain, not only are you wrong, but you fail to realize that nobody cares what you think and that your time could be better spent drinking Drano.
The way when someone is being blatantly racist, and you call them on it, they will nine times out of ten instantly accuse you of being racist against them. Oh, yes. Keep calling me a white devil gringo. No, that's perfectly acceptable. I'll just be over here reading a book. Don't mind me.
The way the words "Family" and "Values" now mean "Christian" in the United States, as though you can't have morals or value your family unless you pray to their particular choice of imaginary friends.
The idiotic comercial for Campbells Chili with all the football fan assholes. I know it's kind of goofy for me to pick on one commercial since I despise about 99.8% of all commercials, but this one made my eye twitch so hard that I had to poke twenty four accupuncture needles directly into my cornea to make it stop. The commercial is basically this grotesque depiction of the biggest load of bullshit to ever be named by pop psychology: male bonding. Basically there's about ten fat thirty-to-forty-something year old guys sitting shoulder to shoulder in this cramped living room boisterously watching the foot BAWL game. Actually "boisterously" is probably the understatement of the year. It's more like they're having a collective and continuous footballgasm for the entire duration of the commercial. Now, I'm not particularly against sports fandom. I mean, I do think it's stupid, but it's not like I think it's wrong or anything. I think of it the same way I think of religion. I don't personally relate to it and I think it's pretty dumb and a silly waste of energy, but as long as people practice it quietly for their own enjoyment, and don't go too overboard and get psycho or obsessive, I have no problem with it. But when people take it to insane extremes and act irrationally and treat it as some sort of cult, then get the fuck away from me. Case in point: In the commercial, the camera pans around the freshly shaven head of one of the idiots and the ridiculous macho-esque announcer says, "You shave your head and have your friends rub it for good luck!" Now... If that doesn't deserve a kick in the balls, I don't know what does. If you SHAVE YOUR HEAD FOR A FUCKING FOOTBALL GAME, that's so far off the idiotic asshole charts that the only way you could even come close to being able to understand it is if you're fucked up enough to deserve a kick in the balls yourself. Seriously. Monday morning you go to work and people are like, "Bob... What happened to your hair?" "Football Game." No, see... You need to be neutered. "Football game" is not a sane answer to someone questioning why you shaved off all your hair, and if it's your answer, please kill yourself.
Now, seeing the stereotypical football assholes wasn't enough to spur me to write. Usually when I see that, I just puke on my shoes a little and then feel better because they remind me of those stupid bully football star jackasses from high school who now work at Jiffy Lube, still stuck in that stupid little town where I grew up, and I chuckle a little and go on my way. What irked me was the disgusting way the product itself was presented. First off, presenting any food as "macho" is retarded to begin with. How do you present food as macho, you ask? Well apparently Campbells thinks slobs are really macho, like they're so manly that they've turned back into gorillas. They all eat the exact same rehearsed way - like pigs. Some fucknut director sat down with these guys and showed them how to eat like slobs and made them practice it so they do it right. The spoons they are using are fucking huge. These aren't like spoons you eat with, these are serving spoons. So to accommodate these ridiculously huge spoons, these lummoxes open their mouths wide enough to put their fists in. Oh, yeah. Nothing makes me want to buy a product like watching fat guys gaping. The spoons are piled up so in every shot of the idiots gaping, some of the chilli falls off the spoon and back into the bowl. Yum. Slobs. The kicker for me though was how every one of these morons held their spoons. They held them over-handed in their fists like fucking cavemen that were raised by wolves. I can only assume someone who holds a spoon like that didn't have parents, because if they did they would see their kid holding it like that and slap them in the back of the head. It's a spoon, not a shovel, Bluto. It would be one thing if there was one slob in the commercial who ate like an animal, but they all ate in the exact same way. What's worse, is that every shot of them stuffing their pie holes over-handed is in EXTREME CLOSEUP... IN SLOW MOTION. I wouldn't want to look at these mutants from a block away even if they were just sitting there doing nothing, but seeing slow motion extreme closeup shots of them scarfing muck in the rudest possible way is too much to bear. Maybe it's just me, but if I'm trying to sell a food product, I'd do it in a way that didn't make people want to vomit. A good comparison would be if McDonalds made a commercial with a 60 second closeup of a fat guy's face with him stuffing an entire Big Mac in his mouth whole and then slowly chewing with globs of ketchup in the corners of his mouth... in slow motion.
People whose job it is to give you information, who either want to make you work for it, or play this shitty little "I know something you don't know" game. There is this lady I work with who does this shit all the time. I am a manager. She is a receptionist. She has two, and only two functions. She collects information and then gives this information to me. That's it. She seems to forget the second part of this job description on an every-time-I-ask-her-a-question basis.
I call her on the phone and ask, "How many people do we have booked in room two?"
"Look at your planner."
"I haven't updated it in about an hour."
"Well you should really update it."
"So how many do we have in room two?"
"What does your planner say?"
"Eight."
"Then you need to update your planner."
Or, uhh, HOW ABOUT YOU JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING INFORMATION THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE ME, ASS! You're sitting there in your lovely comfortable leather office chair staring at the fucking number, which I KNOW has fewer syllables in it than "You need to update your planner," but you're too much of a passive aggressive shithead to just SAY THE FUCKING WORD instead of making me walk all the way to your desk, which is exactly one city block away, to change the little fucking eight into a little fucking seven.
The fact that if an American goes to a foreign country and speaks his native language and does not conform to local customs, it's annoying and offensive to the people that live there, and he is labeled an "Ugly American," an unredeemable asshole who needs to get the fuck out. Yet if someone from a foreign country comes to the United States and speaks their native language and does not conform to local customs, they are "preserving their culture," and any American who is annoyed or offended is a bigot, an unredeemable asshole who needs to get the fuck out. (Note: The term "Ugly American" is in the dictionary, but strangely I could not find any entries for "Ugly Spanish," "Ugly French," "Ugly Indonesian," "Ugly Swiss," "Ugly Mongolian".....).
Movies, TV shows and commercials that hire world champion professional skateboarders to do one trick in the background of a shot for 1.25 seconds, and the trick is usually something really dumb like a little ollie.
Those "crazy media" pages that all have THE EXACT SAME SHIT. What's even more annoying is they will make new updates with shit you saw two years ago. Oh, great. It's Tubgirl. Thanks. Haven't seen that one in a few months. Thanks for uh, letting me relive the memories.
People who know enough about computers to build one from raw materials (note I didn't say components but raw materials, I.E. silicon, copper, etc.), design their own operating system and think Windows is hilariously primitive enough that they can completely take it apart and modify it however they want, are aware of every tiny piece of software that exists on the planet and know what its for, how to use it and even modify it. Then they think that you are retarded because you don't know as much as them. "HAH! You got the VQE34Blix virus? HAH! What a fucking newb! Were you running Quixle Pixel Anti-Virus Turbo? PFF! Norton and McAffee? Oh, and you were scanning regularly with Ad-Aware and Spybot? HAH! That won't catch shit! Did you try running a scan with RequiemBasic Scanware? No? PFF! Well download it at (then he pulls the exact URL out of his head right down to the version number.)" When you finally download it and run it, it basically looks like a Command Prompt with no instructions of any kind, and you really, REALLY don't feel like asking the guy to tell you how to use it.
Completely casual litterers. If there's something in their hands that they don't need, they simply drop it where ever they're standing as though it's completely natural. The guy's hand rises to his mouth with his coke can, he takes a sip, then he lowers his hand. Then he raises the can to his mouth again, drinks the last few drops, then lowers his hand just as naturally as before, but this time when the hand reaches the bottom, it relaxes and the can simply falls to the ground. People nearby hear the clink and look to see what it is, and they see the can rolling on the ground, but when they look at the guy, his face is completely without any expression that would indicate that he had done anything unusual. He's the only one around that seems to be completely unaware that there's a can there at all. Someone says to him, "Uhh... I think you dropped something."
He looks completely confused and has apparently been stricken deaf. "Huh???"
They push the issue. "Would you mind picking up that can you dropped?"
Now the guy hears just fine and is absolutely outraged that someone would slander him like that. He littered, but you're the biggest asshole on the planet to actually point it out. "What the fuck?! I didn't drop shit! Did you see me drop that fuckin' can? No! Fuck, I didn't even know it was there until you pointed it out!"
They press the issue further. "Whatever. Just pick it up."
Now the guy fully owns up to dropping it and stonewalls. "Pffft. Yeah, I dropped it. So what? What are you gonna do? You think you're a cop or something?"
People who work in kitchens who think that a chef's knife makes a really good box cutter, ice pick, staple puller, hammer, screwdriver (standard and philips), door stop, pry bar, grill scraper, dry-wall cutter, can opener, spackle spreader, pencil sharpener... Oh.. and knife for cutting food.
Morons who pick up the flyer at the grocery store that shows all items that are on sale, and then load up their cart with SIMILAR, not THE SAME items. Then they get to the counter and hold shit up for a million goddamn years. This fucking bitch was in front of me today, of course with like 300 children who were all screaming and shitting their pants and running around like apes shot up with PCP, and EVERYTHING in her cart was WRONG. The cashier swipes the frozen pizza and the woman looks at the register as the pizza rings up $1.99.
"Ohhhhh, no! That's on sale! It's supposed to be $1.29."
The cashier looks at the pizza, then looks at her copy of the current store flyer. She comes to an ad for frozen pizza and the customer points her finger at it. At his point, I already see where it's going and it makes me want to push the woman, her 400 children and all her bullshit out of the lane with my cart.
"This isn't the same thing."
The woman is totally confused. "WHUHHHH???? Not the same???? But it's uhh.. the frozen pizza right there." She points at the ad again as though the cashier's eyes don't work.
The cashier is made of wood. "It's not the same thing."
I look at the fucking flyer. OK, where do we start. The pizza this woman has is Tony's Pepperoni. The pizza in the flyer is the store brand cheese pizza. The Tony's box is ORANGE and the store brand is BRIGHT GREEN, ok? STORE BRAND! TONY'S! CHEESE! PEPPERONI! ORANGE! GREEN! NOT - THE - FUCKING - SAME! Does this obvious difference sway this idiot in front of me with her now 900 screaming children? NO! She wants to talk to the MANAGER. So I get to stand there, trying to keep her thousands of children at bay by spraying them with oven cleaner while she tries to HAGGLE with the manager. Then, after standing there, with my blood pressure WAY over safe levels for ten minutes, the lady decides that a DOLLAR NINETY NINE is far too much to pay for pizza and that she doesn't want anything else in her cart because she is outraged that they won't honor her stupidity as a store coupon.
The fact that the NYPD will give tickets for littering, yet they ride around Midtown Manhattan on horses that drop massive piles of shit everywhere.
The way every recording artist (term used VERY loosely) whose album sells more than four copies has their own fragrance, clothing line, movie, and videogame, and morons actually PAY MONEY for them. Maybe it's just me, but if one of my favorite bands released a perfume, I would be like, "Uh, you're a greedy sellout piece of dogshit, and I'm ashamed to have given you so much money over the years." Then again... can you imagine what a Skinny Puppy perfume would smell like? "Hello there. I'm Nivek Ogre, and when I go out for a night on the town, I like to smell like the HOLLOW EYELESS FACE OF COLD PALE HORROR."
People who mumble badly who get offended when you ask them to repeat something. Sorry, but I don't know what the fuck "Muh muh-wuh muh seh-muh-muh" is, so you're going to need to fucking say it again, idiot. You might try actually opening your mouth this time.
I want my Chili's baby-back-baby-back-baby-back-DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!!
People who pronounce the letter "H" as "Haych."
People who emphasize the H sound in words starting with "WH" to a stupid extent. "Huhwhat? Huhwhich one? Huhwhere did you hear that? Huhwhy would they say that? Huhwhatever."
Whoever made that "Crazy Frog" bullshit needs to be eaten alive by ants. It's like they were sitting there brainstorming... "Hmmm.... What would be the most annoying thing in the world? I mean... a lot of things are annoying, but I want to make something SO annoying that when people hear it 10 years from now they instantly remember it and go 'HOLY FUCK! I HATE THAT SHIT!'"
Webpages that absolutely will not load and be readable until their banner ads load.
TV shows and movies where they indicate that something was recorded with one of the characters' video cam-corders by having a white rectangle an inch or so from the perimeter of the frame with a blinking red dot in one corner next to the letters "REC" and a little indicator for battery life in the opposite corner. You know, because when you're watching a home video on TV it shows everything that's projected through the viewfinder... or something.
Clock milkers who would be completely content to stay at work 24 hours a day wiping the same perfectly clean countertop over and over until someone MAKES them go home. These are the guys who come to me and complain because I didn't schedule them enough overtime. Look, shitsnack. You're not supposed to get ANY overtime. That's why it's called OVER time. It's time OVER what you're supposed to actually work in a week. GO HOME.
Illiterate people who "put things in quotation marks" completely arbitrarily. Look, "moron," quotation marks mean that "something is being quoted" or someone is denoting a "title." They do not "mean" that you are saying something with "emphasis." If you want to emphasize, you put things in "bold" or "italics" or "underscore." Until you figure this out, you can "eat my ass."
People with really fucked up names who get genuinely insulted when people misspell or mispronounce their names.
"You misspelled my name!"
"What the fuck ever, Eavhen Zjureb."
"It's pronounced EV-hain zi-JERB."
"Whatever."
People with already existing names that think they can pronounce it any way they feel like and correct you when you use the correct pronunciation instead of the made-up one.
"Good morning, Monica."
"It's pronounced Moh-NEEK-ah."
"Whatever, Monica."
People with names that have two or more legitimately correct spellings who get insulted when you don't read their minds and then write down the wrong one.
"Oh gawd! It's Cathy with a 'C'! Geez! "
"How was I supposed to know that."
"Well it's not with a 'K', PFFFFT."
"Whatever."
The way Hollywood's creative well has run so dry that every movie that grossed more than 75 cents gets a sequel. "Miss Congeniality II".... Are you fucking kidding me?
People whose focus when something goes wrong is 75% figuring out who is to blame, 24.99% making sure everyone knows it's not their fault, and 0.01% fixing the problem. (Note: Fixing the problem is only actually persued if it will earn them points and make the person who fucked up look bad.)
People whose job is answering phones who don't listen to ANYTHING.
"Hello, corporate security."
"Hello, this is David Smith from the 24th floor and I need to get a pass for a client."
"Okay..."
"His name is Steve Jones..."
"Okay...."
"- and he will need access to conference room C on the 16th floor at 2pm."
"Wait. Your name isn't coming up in the directory. You said your name was Steve Davis?"
"David Smith."
"Okay..."
"And I need a pass made for Steve Jones."
"Smith, you said?"
"Pardon?"
"Your name is Smith?"
"Yes."
"Okay..."
"And I need a pass made for Steve Jones."
"What floor are you on again?"
"24."
"Thirty four?"
"Twennnntyyy four."
"Okay..."
"He will need access to conference room C on the-"
"Wait, you need access for David Smith?"
"I'M David Smith."
"Who did you need access for?"
"Steeeeve Joooones."
"Okay..."
"He needs access to the-"
"Wait. Is that Steve with an S?"
".......Is there anyone else I can talk to?"
"No, it's just me here. So it's Steve Jones?"
"Yes."
"For the 24th floor?"
"16th."
"15th?"
"16th."
"60th?"
"NEVERMIND! I'll just meet him in the lobby."
"Thank you, Mr. Jones."
"SMITH!"
People like my neighbor above me who think that the best way to put a toilet seat down is to hold it at its apex and simply let go. These fuckers must own stock in a fucking iced tea company too, because about 20 times a day I hear, "Foooshhhhh....BOOM!"
The disgustingly large number of subhumans that say, "Brung."
I thought "Brung" was bad until today when someone said they "Brang" something.
People who defend their personal faults and eccentricities by comparing themselves to Einstein, Leonardo Da Vinci, etc. Of course, the "shared flaw which implies genius" is of always of dubious credibility and no relevance. "Well, Picasso didn't brush his teeth either, so there!" I actually thought of this entry when some fucktard on a forum was using typical AOLese and I was ripping on him, not just for writing like an idiot, but for completely fucking up a point and then completely avoiding the argument to defend his flawed logic. "U wan 2 mess wit my speling jus cuz UR mister perfct r sumthin huh? Wat R U a teacher R sumthin? Yeh well Einstien waz dislexic 2 so mabey U need 2 shut up wit UR gay opinouns cuz he waz a genoius U fag!"
People who write like the person in the post above who think that you making fun of them writing like they're retarded means that you have exhausted all of your legitimate arguments and are desperately resorting to petty nitpicking since they won the argument. "See U aint got nuttin ta say but ta make fun of mah spellin cuz U no im rite fag!"
People who buy gifts that can ONLY be enjoyed if the receiver has a specific interest in it. The giver either has no knowledge of the receiver's tastes, or knows their tastes but ignores them.
"Merry Christmas, Dave! I just know you're going to love your present!"
"Thanks!" Dave unwraps the present and tries in vain to conseal the look of confusion on his face. "Wow... Thanks.... I've been meaning to pick up the new (he pauses to look at the album and READS the name off the front) Gwen Stefani ( he pronounces it "Stephanie") album... She used to be in No Doubt or something right?"
"You hate it, don't you?"
"Noooo, I'm sure it's greeeeaaaat! I heard it's really popular."
"Scat" jazz. Skibbity wop-a-deee doodly dop wee-oot'n doot'n dwaaaa doo deepa bop doo dweeaaaahhh! Hey, idiots, nice gibberish. Here's a tip. If you can't be bothered to write some words for your song... REAL words, and you want to use a vocalist, then you're not finished writing your song, are you? And if you're not finished writing it, then don't fucking publish it. The paycheck comes AFTER the work, shitheads.
The caller ID leapfrog of idiocy. One day, this paranoid idiot invented this way for people to be able to see who is calling them before they pick up the phone. Then this other idiot thought, "Fuck that. I'll make a way that phone numbers won't show up on caller ID. That'll let me continue my spree of obscene phonecalls."
Then this other idiot saw the second idiot's work and said, "Fuck you too. I'll make it so that people who block their ID's can't get through and have to go back and press a number so I can see their ID's." I mean, what ever happened to picking up the phone, hearing the voice of someone you don't want to talk to, telling them to go fuck themselves and then slamming the phone in their ears? You geeks take the fun out of everything.
Coffee slurpers. Learn some fucking manners, assholes. I'll be in the elevator and there's some little shit with a cup of coffee. Just as I'm slipping comfortably into my "nobody else exists" elevator trance, I hear, "Sccchhhhhhhlooooooorrrrrrpppp." I look over and the guy is carefully slurping his coffee. My immediate impulse is to slap him in the back of the head so the scalding hot coffee splashes all over his face, but then I remember that there is a security camera. As soon as my internal "should I or shouldn't I slap him" argument is over, I hear it again. "Scccchhhhhhloooorrrrp-a-suck-a-sllluuuuurrrp-a-drool." Ok. I know why you're slurping. You're slurping because it's too hot to drink. The fact that it's hot doesn't change the fact that you're making a hideous sucking sound like a dumb animal, and no, wearing a tie doesn't cancel this out. If want to drink coffee without burning your mouth, I'll tell you the secret if you promise not to spread it around. To drink coffee without burning yourself, you WAIT TWO GODDAMNED MINUTES FOR IT TO COOL DOWN, RETARDS!
Repairmen and apartment building supers that can always be relied upon to do the most half-assed repair jobs possible. Thank you, mister super! Now it doesn't sound like there's a jackhammer in the wall when I run the sink. Now it's more of a low pitched howl that makes the whole room vibrate. Oh, and thanks for fixing the leaky shower. It, uh, drips a little bit less now. Oh, and that place where you fixed that hole in the wall looks great the way you left it all rough and uneven and then painted it with a noticably different color of paint. It really gives the living room flair.
People who speak in Spanglish, Franglish, etc. Look, I have no problem with people speaking foreign languages, but PICK ONE. "Blahbiddy snorkity froomarolio walk in closet snerflicken broombrax horksminky landscaping wootaroolio sneldrixen frambrookio slen chicken pot pie anafrixus groombiokio briffmexan dlern veemle crooxios hamburger."
People who think up some big long spiel and can't resist giving it all to you regardless of how unimpressed you are, even when they can clearly see that you're busy and you give them what they're asking for anyway.
"Hey, would you mind if I took a break?"
"Sure, no problem."
"Because I was just thinking that right now there's nothing really going on."
"Yeah, yeah. Go on break."
"And I was thinking that if I took my break now, then later I'll be able to just finish up without taking another break."
"Sure. See you in half an hour."
"Because I was thinking that last night we were here late and I know you don't want us to rack up too much overtime..."
"Everything's covered, right?"
"Uh, yeah... but I was just thinking..."
"Ok, well, see you in half an hour."
People who don't "get" videogames on any level.
"So what is this videogame you're playing, Fatal Fantasy or whatever?
"Final Fantasy."
"Whatever... So what do you... do... in it exactly?"
"Well, you develop a character, fight monsters, complete quests... You know..."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why are you fighting monsters?"
"Uhhh... Because your character gets stronger from fighting them..."
"...Ok..."
"And some drop treasure..."
"...Ok..." (Polite nod of "I don't understand at all ")
"And you can sell this to make money..."
(The word money makes their eyes light up) "REAL money?"
"No. Money in the game."
(Look of profound disappointment) "Oh."
"...Which you can use to buy better armor, weapons, etc."
".... Why do you want to do that?"
"Uhhh... So you can beat tougher enemies..."
"Oh... And you want to do that because...."
"So you can advance in the game."
"So you can beat it?" (The not-so hidden meaning being "When are you going to finish this stupid game so you can get back to being a boring adult?")
"Well... The game doesn't really have an ending."
"You mean nobody can win?"
"Well... You couldn't beat Pac Man either."
"But... Why play a game that you can't beat?"
"Uh... Because it's FUN."
"I don't understand."
"You know... FUN?"
"You lost me."
People who buy you clothes that are obviously too small as though they are trying to spare your feelings. Look. Spare me a trip to the store to exchange it instead. I'm over 200 pounds and six feet tall. I am not a size MEDIUM. A Men's Medium T-shirt comfortably fits midgets who are like 5' 4" and 125 pounds.
Advertisements that accent diversity by showing that Americans are:
- 90% female.
- 40% black.
- 35% hispanic.
- 20% asian.
- 5% white (always either female, token elderly man or token disabled person).
- 0% unattractive or overweight.
"You can't tell me God doesn't exist. I used to be just like you, and I was unemployed, my wife and I kept trying to get pregnant but nothing was happening, and my dad was sick. Then I prayed for God to help me, and a couple of months later, I got a job at Jiffy Lube, then a few months after that, my wife got pregnant, and my dad is getting better."
Gee, I might be inclined to agree with you about these dumb events being miracles if your new-found employment was that a Fortune 500 company called you up out of the blue and offered you 50 million a year to be their CEO, despite you being a talentless, uneducated schlub, and if you and your wife conceived despite having no genitalia, and your dad lost his torso in an accident, and was now well on his way to a full recovery.
Twisted bathroom habit of the day. I was just in a public restroom, and this guy was resting both of his hands on the top of the urinal as he peed, as though he was riding a bicycle or resting his hands on two white porcelain shoulders. Dude, just touch your penis. It's yours. It's okay, and hopefully it's much more sanitary than a damn urinal. Then you're going to "shake off" with urinal hands. Fucking foul.
The conversation I have every single time I go to Dunkin Donuts.
"I'd like two doughnuts and a large milk."
"Milk and sugar?"
"No. Just milk."
"Coffee with milk?"
"No. Just a cup with milk."
(Looking to her coworkers for help) "You want milk in your coffee?"
"A cup... with JUST milk in it."
(Scratching head and staring at the register) "Uhhhhhh...." Then they charge me a different amount every time.
YouTube video bloggers whose channel is nothing but WAY too close shots of their big sweaty faces mouth breathing with their slobbery lisp into their webcam microphone as they whine about everything that has them miffed.
The new "Ice Age" movie, "Dawn of the Dinosaurs," which seems to imply that dinosaurs not only lived at the same time as mastodons, sabertoothed tigers and modern animals like weasels, but came LATER, which is wrong, and in the reverse order by roughly 60+ million years. Great. Just what we need. More dumb, confused kids who will grow up to be young earth creationists because preachers will capitalize on their ignorance and make them embrace the idea that these animals could have all coexisted.
Today I saw an ad for a new show called "Dance Your Ass Off," which features morbidly obese manatee-like women in skimpy dresses which display yards and yards of flubbity cleavage dancing.... JUST WHAT EVERYONE WANTS TO WATCH!
Today in my company cafeteria they were playing Hanna Montana on the loudspeakers, which is odd, because I am fairly sure we don't employ any 10 year old girls there.
People using cell phones who move the phone away from their ears to their mouths to speak. They can hear you, idiots.
Today I saw an ad for some community college or trade school, which depicted a goldfish leaping from a tiny fish bowl into a larger fish bowl, with the caption "Yes you can!" How depressing. No, don't have the goldfish escaping his prison into the freedom of a stream, have him escaping into a slightly roomier prison. Hate your shitty, little, underpaid, unrewarding job? Get your degree so you can get a slightly less shitty, underpaid, unrewarding job.
What is this shit where someone like Mike Tyson or some other celebrity goes to prison for breaking just laws, and then assholes say, "Free Tyson"? So the fact that you admire someone means they shouldn't be subject to the same laws as everyone else? How do you figure?
Lousy debaters who keep making the same already defeated argument over and over, maybe slightly reworded, as though you're going to forget that the point was already addressed.
"See, the structure of DNA has a pattern, and complex patterns can only come from a mind, hence, Yaweh made the universe."
"Actually, you're just asserting a guess on both ends of your argument. You don't know that a complex pattern needs a mind to make it, and even if you could prove the universe had a designer, there's no reason to just assume it's Yaweh. It could just as easily be Brahma, Allah, or any of the other gods which are credited with making the universe, or some god or intelligence (or more than one) that humans never even contemplated."
"Okay, but see.... DNA has a complex pattern, and what could make a complex pattern besides a mind? And who had the first mind? Yaweh!"
Mean, scary, completely unapproachable bosses who always give themselves credit for having an "open door policy," which none of their employees dare to observe. Look. If all of your employees feel like getting within ten feet of you might put them on a downsizing / more work / write-up / screaming in their faces short list, you have an open door policy in the way that a trapdoor spider has an open door policy.
Customers who wander into places where they have no business being, and more to the point, are stupid for being in, and they seem to think they have every right to be there. "Hello? Sir? Hello? Mister Zookeeper? Yeah, uh, hi. I was uh, over there and I wanted to take a picture of those tigers, but they were hiding in those bushes over there in their enclosure, so I couldn't see them, so I saw that little door off to the side, and I went through it so I could get closer, and, well, now one of the tigers has my leg. Yeah. The other zookeeper wasn't helpful at all. She started screaming and running around. Yes, I can SEE that we're in the hippo enclosure and I can SEE that you're feeding the hippos, and I don't appreciate your tone of voice. I'm a PAYING CUSTOMER and I can't believe you're acting this way. I mean, I'm a paying customer and I came here to take pictures, and I think everyone here could really use some training in customer service. I'm not supposed to go in the enclosure? Well I didn't see a sign telling me not to. Besides, how am I supposed to take pictures if there are bushes in the way. It's unacceptable, and I'm not leaving until I get my leg back. In fact, I would ask to speak with the manager, but I'm about to lose consciousness from the blood loss. I don't know what kind of place you think you're running here, but that's the last leg and penny of mine you're getting.
People who try to maintain the upper hand in a debate, not by having a strong case, but by being either extremely misleading or obscurantist about the point of view they are defending, or simply by being all over the map. This game is called, "You can't attack my position, because I won't tell you what it is.".
"Being an atheist is stupid."
"So you are a theist?"
"I didn't say that."
"Well what's your position?"
"The universe is too complex for us to understand it."
"How does that make atheism stupid, specifically?"
"Because you can't know there is no God."
"Atheism doesn't say absolutely there is no God, merely that there is no good reason to believe there is one."
"But that's stupid."
"So you're a theist?"
"Not necessarily."
"So, what, you're a deist?"
"No."
"Pantheist?"
"Pffft! No."
"Agnostic leaning toward theism?"
"No."
"Agnostic leaning toward atheism?"
"No."
"50/50?"
"No."
"Then what is your argument?"
"That atheists are stupid."
"And you make this claim from what position? Theism?"
"No."
"What is your position?"
"What difference would that make?"
"Fuck you."
"Journalism" June 4th, 2009: Msnbc reports that in the comic, "Archie," Archie will propose to Veronica.
Neg's response: Didn't they stop making Archie comics like 30 years ago?
Bumping into coworkers on the subway. You're tired and hungry after a long day at work, and you just want to get home and relax. You put your headphones on to block out all the dumb people and start to feel at ease. You take a book out of your bag and start to open it to the place you left off, when you see one of your coworkers on the platform. "Oh shit. Let me just turn around and maybe he won't see me."
You turn your back to him and start reading your book. "Maybe he's taking a different train." Then the train pulls up and the guy gets on. "Fuck." Then you look over to see where he's standing and your eyes meet, and there's a definite look of recognition. He starts taking his headphones off and starts coming towards you. "Shit." You politely take your headphones off. "Oh well... I was enjoying listening to that."
"Long time no see!" Fucking trite.
"Heh, yeah...." Awkward silence.
"So... Sup?" Yeah, it's generic, and not really a pertinent thing to ask, given that you were just working together ten minutes ago.
"Headin' home."
"Yeah." Awkward silence.... "Been busy at work."
"Don't I know it! Heh...." Awkward silence...
You hear the faint pop-tish of the music in your headphones and figure that you're not going to be able to listen to it so you turn off your iPod and put it in your pocket. Consider this an act of surrender.
"You live in Manhattan?"
"Queens."
"Really? What part?"
"Astoria."
"Ahh..." Awkward silence. No indication that this is a good or bad thing.
"What are you reading?"
"Uhhh, The Future of an Illusion by Sigmund Freud." Oh, great. I'm reading a book about how religion is fearful, infantile nonsense. This should spark a conversation that I really don't want to get into with this doofus.
"You taking a class or something?"
"Nah, just reading it. Just, uh, something interesting to read."
"What's it about?"
"I, uhh, kinda just started it." You're on page 55 and it's only about 70 pages long.... And you read it a few months ago.
"Ahh." This is apparently this guy's favorite non-comment.
20 minutes go by and the train is pulling into the station where you'll transfer to the N train. Finally, you'll be free of this nitwit. The train stops and people start moving towards the doors. The guy is also getting off.
"What train do you take?"
"The N."
"Cool. Me too!"
Fuck.
Douchebags who put their sunglasses over their ears facing backward. Careful. They might break when I punch you in the base of the skull.
May 15, 09: In Florida, a woman is suing her daughter's high school for publishing a yearbook where, in a class picture, her daughter, who couldn't even be bothered to not wear super short shorts even for the news interview, was sitting in the front row wearing a short skirt and no panties and her twat was clearly showing. You know, because it's her school's fault that her daughter is a whore. To make matters worse, even the mom was wearing daisy dukes - I mean, the news is going to interview you about your trashy daughter. At least TRY to look the part of the outraged litigant. "Ya, know? Maybe if we're going to sue the school for inadvertantly failing to catch a picture showing that you're a total slut who can't even cover up her pussy for a yearbook photo, maybe we shouldn't both look like total sluts when the news people get here."
Only thing that could look dumber than a man in sandals: a man in sandals wearing a toe ring. And yes, I saw this. I wish I hadn't, but I did.
Customer service assholes who make it as obvious as possible without getting fired that you are in no way going to rush them. You walk into the bank and there's a bigass line, and you're agitated because you're running late to work. You finally get to the front of the line, and a customer leaves the counter, so you move up to the teller. The teller looks up at you without moving their head and says, "I didn't say next customer. Please wait for the next teller." You get back in line, and are there for about 5 seconds before the same teller says, "Next customer," as though this isn't ironic or passive-aggressive at all. You walk up just as they decide to start adjusting their chair. They mess with the lever, sit on the seat to get it to go down - whoops, too far, lever, up, sit, lever, up... Uh oh, they dropped their pen... Better bend down really, really slowly and in a maximally labored fashion to pick it up. Okay, got the pen... Hmmm this chair still doesn't feel right. *Adjust adjust* Okay, that's a little better. Oh wait a second. This desk is pretty cluttered up. Let's just put these papers away. Huh? What's this paper? "Jamie! Do you know what this form is for?" Jamie walks over to the teller's station as slowly as possible and stares at the form for a long time. She then gives a dumb shrug and hands it back. The teller then stares at it for a long time, before putting it in a drawer. Hmmm... This pen doesn't write. Let's just look in a couple of these drawers here.... Nope. No pen in there. "Jamie! Do you have any pens?" Jamie then strolls to a back office, clearly in no hurry. The teller continues smacking her gum open-mouthed. Jamie then strolls back around the corner with a few pens in hand and hands them to the teller. The teller takes a few moments to put some of them in the desk drawer... then decides that, "Nah, this indistinguishable Bic pen doesn't look as awesome as that other one I put in the drawer. I'd better reopen the drawer and get that other one." Okay, let's just straighten up these pictures of my fat children for a second. Oh look, some eraser crumbs. Better go fetch a waste basket and brush those off the desk into it. Okay, now where were we? Oh, right! The customer. Well, I can't really take care of the customer without my glasses. Let's just dig that glasses case out of my buttoned front pocket... then rebutton the case, then put the case back in the pocket... then rebutton the pocket, and now I can take care of this customer - oh shit. Look how dirty these glasses are!! Hmm, let's just dig in these drawers again and find a kleenex... Okay, now let's wipe these off... check them a few times to make sure I got all the shit off... Let's just stroll back over to the wastebasket to throw away this kleenex... Okay, now put the glasses on... Log into the computer. Oh shit. Typo. *Clickety Click* Okay, logged in now.... "How can I help you today?"
YOU CAN FUCKING KILL YOURSELF!
Miss California 2009. I know what you're thinking. "This is lame. Neg is throwing himself a soft ball that pretty much every liberal in America has already decided was too silly to comment on. Of course what she said was bigoted and dumb, but who cares?" Well, yeah, I think she's a bigot for opposing gay marriage, but that is not my complaint here. How dumb can she be? I mean, WHO THE FUCk does she think watches the Miss America pageant? Straight men? Straight women? The Christian Right? Bullshit. GAY MEN! I mean, you're on a show whose audience is 99% gay men, and a gay man, whose approval you are seeking, asks you if you support gay marriage... WHAT DO YOU SAY? The truth? Bullshit. You give them the answer they want! If you're fake enough to put vaseline on your teeth to make them sparkle for the cameras, then you're fake enough to give them the appeasing answer they want.
Like, let's say I have been asked to be the keynote speaker for a banquet for the NRA. Do I make a big speech about how we need more gun control? Not if I don't want to be run out of the banquet hall with an army of angry gun nuts on my heels.
They shouldn't even care what she thinks in the first place. This isn't an elected office. The California State Senate won't have her on speed dial. Who gives a shit what she thinks? Just do those crunches, put on your bikini, and DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE!
That retarded ad for "Sunsetter" awnings. "It can keep your porch up to 20 degrees cooler!" Wait a second, asshole. Did you just explain to me how shade works?
People who live in this world, filled with its vast variety of music, who haven't found anything more beautiful, awe-inspiring or moving to listen to than Billy Joel.
"Extended release" allergy pills that, on a scale of 1-10, rank a 2 on relieving allergy symptoms, a 0 on lasting the 12-24 hours they claim to help, and an 8.5 on the get you fucked up and groggy and disoriented factor.
People who are SURE that someone has stolen or tampered with some possession of theirs which nobody wants.
"Have you seen that shitty sweater that I wear every single day? You know, the crappy looking cable knit that was probably blue at one time but is now faded and has grey dirt on the high points? Yeah? Well someone stole it!"
People who would look perfectly normal, even attractive, but they fuck it up with some STUPID fashion accessory.
"Hi! I'm a spunky, 20-something girl. I look smart and sexy in my outfit that's just flirty enough to not look slutty, or at least I would, but then I fucked it up by wearing a dumb Dick Tracey hat!"
"Hey there. I'm a pretty fit guy who spends a few hours working out every day. I eat right and I drink lots of water, which helps keep my skin clear. Of course, that's all a huge waste because I wear a nice suit with Oakleys and white sneakers, which makes me look like a complete tool."
The fact that the laundromat has four televisions at full volume and all four of them are showing the same terrible Spanish soap opera.
Bristol Palin said in a recent interview that she has no regrets. Well no shit. That's because you're fucking dumb. Stupid people have no regrets. They bungle through life and everything is just peachy. See, a smart person might stop and think, "Y'know... Maybe being the 18 year old unwed mother of a kid spawned by a mullet-headed retard isn't the best situation to be in," but not good old Bristol. All is right with the world, regardless of how bad your judgment is. "I wouldn't have it any other way." Retard.
The recent trend where exceptionally amazing electronic bands at least partially remake themselves as kinda-okay-I-guess rock bands that retain a tiny smidgeon of their old electronic sound. I.E. Younger Brother, Boards of Canada, The Future Sound of London, etc. I liked the past sound of London a lot more. "Hey, guys. Let's stop making highly technical, rich, atmospheric, multilayered electronica that's unlike anything anyone has ever heard, and instead make some flower-power psychedelic music that sounds exactly like the music that people got so sick of in the early seventies that they puked out disco.
Christians whose strongest appeal as to why I should become a Christian is, "But Jesus was tortured and crucified for YOU! He died to redeem YOU of your sin!"
First off, I didn't ask him to do that, and I really don't give a shit if I'm on good terms with an invisible man who holds me personally accountable for some dude eating an apple thousands of years ago. How petty. And they always make it out like he made this huge sacrifice. Supposedly, Jesus was the son of God, and capable of miracles, so certainly it would have been within his power to feel no pain whatsoever. If he was capable of miracles and then let himself feel the pain of being crucified, that's his fault. He felt exactly as much pain as he let himself feel.
Let's play a game. You give me five dollars. Jesus' life pre-crucifixion was probably worth about five bucks. He was hated, called a heretic, spat upon... Okay, now in three days I'll give you back five hundred trillion dollars. Sound like a good deal? After three days Jesus came back to life and then went to heaven, where he's basically the vice-ruler of the universe, standing in judgment of all mankind for eternity. It's a good gig if you can get it. Who wouldn't undergo a short period of torture to gain that kind of status in the universe?
So the dude gets nailed up on boards by Romans and dies. How is that God redeeming anything? It's not like God punished Jesus himself. What does one thing have to do with the other? Beyond that, there is one absurdity that makes the whole enterprise completely insane. God has the power to do anything, right? And God can decide to forgive anyone of anything, right? So just forgive us. Why kill someone? Why not just say, "Okay, it's just a fucking apple, and it's not like you all made him eat it. You guys weren't even born yet. How could it be your fault? Sorry, guys. I got a bit hot-headed. Don't worry about it." Gee, such a thing might actually make God not seem like a total asshole. But no, someone committed a tiny offense thousands of years ago, so someone has to get slaughtered like an animal. Then Christians would say that under the law, a blood price must be paid or there's no forgiveness. So God is SUBJECT to the law?
"Original inherited sin" is perhaps one of the most immoral doctrines of Christianity, as I see it. You are guilty of the crime of someone else whom you have never met. The police bust down your door and drag you away. You are put before a judge and are found guilty because some other guy, whom you have never met or heard of, and has never heard of you, stole a car in another state.... before you were born. LIFE WITHOUT PAROLE! How is this moral? How is this reasonable? And how is God, who operates this way, the ultimate authority on morality? Are you fucking kidding me? That is far more immoral than anything I, or probably anyone else has ever done. Sure, Hitler and Stalin and Pol Pot sent millions to their graves, but that is nothing compared to a being that would torture billions for eternity for some guy eating an apple. In fact, if you take the story seriously, the only reason there is death at all is because of Adam's fall. So every person who has ever died has God's immorality to thank for it.
Thank God there's no God.
People who haven't watched a nature show since they were made to in High School.
Debaters on my side of an issue who lie, exaggerate, or obfuscate, and make us all look like a bunch of desperate liars, when the real facts would have been sufficient to smash the other guy's argument.
Debaters on my side of an issue try to play nice and win over the crowd with humor, anecdotes, and other showmanship, while their opponent wastes no time in going for the jugular and making them look like a clown.
This is sort of a weird one, but I keep bumping into it, so I think it warrants a response.
Christians who believe that "other people" have a religion, but they have truth. It's not that these people are unorthodox Christians or religious moderates. Much to the contrary, these people are usually hard liners. They say "religion" as though it is some dirty word, like people who subscribe to a religion are deceived, but they know the truth, unadulterated by an organization. And the "truth" that they know is, (insert 100% pure Christian fundamentalism here). "I don't have a religion. I have a relationship with Jesus!" ..... which is a religion.
Let me straighten you out, because you seem pretty confused. Answer yes or no to the following:
1.) Do you believe that some wise / powerful / intelligent being or beings created the universe or had some part in creating the universe and giving rise to life?
2.) Do believe that this creator has specific wants / requirements of us?
3.) Do you believe that this creator shows benevolence towards people who obey these wants / requirements, and that he is indifferent to, or actively punishes people who disobey these wants / requirements?
Answer yes to any of the above? Congratulations! You have a religion! Believe that this creator was the Biblical God, who sent his son Jesus to redeem mankind of sin, etc? Congratulations! You're a Christian, and that's a religion! Holy shit, you fuckers are weird.
My neighbor who thinks 8am is a good time to learn to play the acoustic guitar.
Not to sound like a whiny nerd, but seriously, it's been over 30 years. There's no fucking excuse for some retards to still mix up Star Wars and Star Trek. "Haw! Look at that guy with the full stormtrooper costume. He's a big trekkie." NO HE ISN'T. He's a nerd, yes, but NOT a fucking trekkie.
Debaters whose point is so weak that they try to take refuge by nitpicking the definitions of words.
"Can you prove God exists?"
"Well what do you mean by 'prove?'"
"Provide evidence for."
"Well it depends what you mean by 'exist.'"
NO IT DOESN'T, YOU ASS. You're just wasting fucking time. Words have definitions. YOU AND I BOTH KNOW WHAT THE DEFINITIONS OF WORDS LIKE "PROVE" AND "EXIST" ARE. If your argument was even slightly robust, you wouldn't be bullshitting around with these fucking terms. You would be like "YES. And here is my argument." Instead, you insult both of our intelligence by attempting the most ultra-last ditch of salvage operations on your weak-as-shit argument.
People on Myspace and Facebook who are homely, ugly, or just plain goofy looking who post several new closeup pics of themselves, usually with the camera held at arm's length, EVERY FUCKING DAY, so it shows up on your "updates" column. "Hey, guys! Check out my new sunglasses. I took 8 pics so you can all see how awesome they look with my potato sized nose, weak chin, mono-brow, lazy eye, horrific acne, and female pube-stache!"
Dumb debaters who don't shut up and don't realize when they have been completely trounced and had their argument completely shut down. It's a shame that you can't actually deal a knockout punch by debating.
Condom ads that make the claim that, "It feels like you're not wearing anything at all!" You're full of shit, and you know it, right? I mean, there are some that feel better than others, but the best condoms in the world still feel like you're fucking a warm water balloon.
People who hate where they live and never move. Look, if you have been bored as shit and annoyed with the yokel retards around you for the last 30 years, and where you live isn't a prison cell, GET THE FUCK OUT.
"Hey, man, I haven't seen you since high school. What's new?"
"Pffft... Nothin'. Nothin' new ever fuckin' happens here."
"THEN FUCKING MOVE!"
Houseguests or dates or other people who you are trying to keep entertained, who eat weird shit at weird times.
"Hey, it's 12:30. Wanna grab some lunch?"
"Nah, I just had my breakfast at 10."
"Uhhh, you want to eat later or something?"
"Actually, I eat a big breakfast and then don't eat again until like 8 or 9pm, but you can eat something if you want, and I totally won't sit there and stare at you and make you feel really weird and rude for eating in front of me."
People who, when you walk into the room, give you that distinctive, paranoid, "Huh?! What do you want?" look. Like, I understand if you are relaxing at home in your boxers, scratching your balls with one hand and eating corn chips with the other, as you watch old reruns of "Saved By The Bell," and then suddenly, I bust through the door wearing nothing but a duct tape bikini and a gorilla mask, and then run up and jump up on your coffee table and stand over you in a "ready" stance, and just silently stare at you, then yeah, the "What do you want?" look is fully warranted. But if I walk into our shared work space, a subway car, McDonald's, a bar, a bookstore, or some other public area, giving me that "Holy fuck! What?!" look is just fucking weird.
Office collection cheap asses
"Hey, uhh, as you know, Bob has been out of work for about three months due to his kidneys, and he's going to need a transplant, and he's having a really hard time making ends meet, so we decided to do a collection to see if we could help him out. The ten of us have already put in. Do you want to put something in for Bob?"
"Sure. Here's a 20."
"Thanks. That brings the total up to $32.43"
"What?"
Programs that automatically check online for updates, or more to the point, new versions for you to buy from them, that have a little alert that says "So you want to get the update now?" and there's a little box to check that says "Do not remind me again." This check box apparently means "Remind me again, whether I check the box or not."
People who, when you talk to them, stare at your tie or your hair or your collar or something else and you start fucking up what you were saying because you're distracted by wondering if you look like a slob.
Towns where last call is 1am.
"No, no, no. That's enough fun for you. You have to go to work tomorrow. Our economy depends on you dragging your ass out of bed tomorrow early so you can make widgets for eight hours. Don't be late!"
I have always thought black metal was the goofiest shit ever, but that took on a whole new dimension when I saw this interview. The lead singer of this band said that he was disappointed when the fans just showed up for the music, because the message was so much more important. The message, apparently, is, "HRRRAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! HURRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! WHUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRR!!!!!"
The internet forum ultra-say-anything-super-devil's-advocate-hyper-vitriolic factor. There is something about internet forums that makes people insane, and I'm not 100% sure that it's always just a put-on to troll or spur conversation. Like, they think, Hi! I'm anonymous, and now I'm going to say the most evil, hateful thing you have ever heard.
ActualContributor: "... and that's how we could have a healthier balance of state and federal control while still preserving personal freedoms."
OtherActualContributor: "Yeah, I agree with what you said about the courts. It reminds me of the system you find in places like Holland."
CrazyGuyWhoComesOutOfNowhere: "I think what we should have done was ally with Hitler in WW2 instead of fight with the allies. That way we could own Europe and I could live there instead of The US, because I can't stand being here with all the damn Mexicans anymore."
ActualContributor: "WTF?"
So uhh.... Sarah Palin's knocked-up teenage daughter and her goofy mullet-headed boyfriend had their baby. And, uhh... They named it Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston.... Tripp... OF COURSE they named it Tripp. Fucking rednecks. Just name it anything. Trig, Pencil, Track, Trap, Skirt, Shed, Crate, Beef, Trick, Scrit. Who gives a shit? Just name the fucking thing. It doesn't have to be the name of a human being, just something that would be quick and easy to yell at the brat when it misbehaves at Walmart.
Orange popsicles. Stop it. Nobody wants that shit. You're making a product that everyone hates. I mean, I assume the artificial grape and cherry flavors and colors aren't more expensive than orange, so what are you trying to accomplish by making one third of every box of popsicles something that people despise? You make the pack with the red, purple and orange popsicles, and the red ones go right away, followed by the purples. Then the person goes to the freezer, mouth watering, and sees that all that's left are the orange ones. At that point, they stop and are confronted by a possible change of plans. "Hmmm... I really want a popsicle, but if it's orange, maybe it's not worth it. But, well, I paid for the box, and I hate to waste food, and I might as well use these up to make freezer space for the next box... Fuck. Fuckin' orange." If you made a box of popsicles that was nothing but orange, it would be the slowest selling thing in the case, right behind "Free-Zee Bat Frozen Guano on a Stick."
Hipsters who wear tee-shirts of the shittiest bands ever, to be ironic. No, see, Motley Crue isn't so shitty that their tee-shirt is cool. They're so shitty that you're a dipshit for owning their tee-shirt. What's the fucking point in spending 28 bucks on a tee-shirt for a band that you wouldn't spend a dollar on their CD if you saw it in the clearance bin? But wait, there's a double dose of irony, because you think Motley Crue is shitty... but you LIKE Panic at the Disco. Fuck you.
People who speak authoritatively on topics which they are clearly ignorant about.
"Wow, that 'March of the Penguins' was amazing. What's weird to me is that cold blooded animals can live in that environment without freezing solid."
"Uhh, birds are warm blooded."
"No they aren't. Only mammals are warm blooded. Do you see any hair on a penguin? You need hair to keep your temperature up."
"Uhh... Actually, hair just retains heat. The heat comes from the body metabolizing food."
"Look. Only mammals are warm blooded. You need to be warm blooded to give live birth."
"Uhhh, then I guess you're saying that many fish and snakes are warm blooded?"
"Fish and snakes don't give birth to live offspring."
"Some do. You never had guppies in your fish tank growing up?"
(Long contemplation)
"If they give birth to live young, then yes, guppies are warm blooded."
Old people who do annoying or reprehensible things, and their excuse is that they have always done those things, so why should they stop now?
"What? I've smoked cigars in McDonalds and farted loudly and picked my nose indiscreetly and taken fists full of breath mints off restaurant desks where I'm not even eating and patted women I don't know on the ass and casually dropped the 'N-bomb' in normal conversation for years! Who are you to tell me not to?"
Dumb nicknames
Did you ever have some retard try to give you some dumbass nickname that was just completely ill-conceived and irrelevant, and then had them try to make it stick?
"Hey, Michael!"
"Sup."
"Heh, Michael the Pickle!"
"Huh?"
"That's what I'm gonna call you! Hah! Michael the Pickle!"
"Pickle... What? I don't get it."
"Heheh, what's that, Pickle Man?"
"Uhhh... I don't eat pickles. I don't even like pickles, but I don't hate pickles enough to make it worthy of comedy, and I don't see any pickles around to make you think of pickles... I'm not wearing a green shirt... It doesn't even fucking rhyme! So... What's with the pickles? I don't get it."
"Michael the PICKLE! Hah!"
"Whatever."
Six years later, when you bump each other...
"PICKLE MAN!"
"What the fuck?"
Today in the news: Apple cutting some iTunes prices (also see video... because this is so important that we at MSNBC needed to make a video in addition to the 4-screen tall article about it).
"Since when is msnbc in the business of hawking shit for Apple? This isn't news," thinks Neg, as he downloads 40 different bands' entire discographies plus bootleg concerts, b-sides and videos... FOR FREE. Yeah, sorry, Apple, but you can make it as cheap as you want, but you're still in direct competition with FREE.
People who use Skype or Ventrilo who have a microphone that makes it sound like they live in a house full of ceramic tiles, screeching cats, clothes dryers full of pots and pans and wailing feedback, who, when you say, "Dude, your mic is fucked up," reply, "Yeah, it sucks... SO AS I WAS SAYING... SCREEEEEEE"
The way that people who claim moral authority are usually immoral, even by their own definitions.
Movies where they make the characters so simplistic that you can effortlessly psychoanalyze them.
"Oh, see, that's why he struggles with relationships. He's thinking about when his judgmental mother died."
Bullshit. I mean, I know the movie's only an hour and a half long, but nobody is so transparent that you can watch them for a few minutes and know things about them that a best friend might not even know.
People who ask for help in a passive aggressive way like, "Hey, are you busy? What are you doing?" Like you're accountable to them. They act like you not doing something they think is important means you ARE going to help them. Uhhh... What am I doing? I was sitting at my computer looking at dumbass viral videos... and no, that doesn't mean you're getting free help with your bullshit paper.
Weird authority figures at work who make your life difficult with their unfounded perception of you.
You're taking the elevator to your office. On the third floor, a high level manager gets in. You smile a completely un-weird smile, don't avoid eye contact, but don't give them hard, challenging eye contact, and say in a calm, friendly and agreeable, but not pushy tone, "Good morning."
"Good morning," they reply, in a similarly amiable way.
The elevator comes to their floor, and they make eye contact, so you smile and say, in the same polite way, "Have a good day."
"You too." They get off the elevator and the doors close.
A couple of hours later you get a phone call from another manager who is a lower level than the first, but above you.
"Hey, did you see David Ross today?"
"I think I saw him in the elevator."
"I just came out of a planning meeting that he was in and after the meeting, he pulled me aside and said you were 'difficult.'"
"Huh?"
"Did you say something rude to him or something?"
"I think I said good morning."
"Did you say it sarcastically or something?"
"Of course not. I know who he is. There's no way I would think of doing something insulting to him."
"Well, whatever it was you said or did, he didn't like it, so be careful how you act around him."
"Uhh, okay."
"Talk to you later. be careful how you talk to people."
"Okay. Talk to you later."
Boss hangs up. You hang up.
"What the fuck?"
That one annoying drunk girl at every party whose grating, high pitched, birdlike cackle can be heard clearly, and twice as loud over the din of clamoring voices.
Jan 28 news: The economy is falling apart. A quarter of a million jobs have been lost this month. There is a rash of suicides due to people being out of work... And one rich couple who has ten dogs spent 150 thousand dollars to clone their dead dog. You know.... You could have gotten a new dog from the pound for 50 bucks. And I think I should state the obvious. A clone of your old dog isn't your old dog. It's still a new dog that you've never met before, and who doesn't know who the fuck you are. Not only that, but your first dog died of cancer, so now you have a second dog that will probably die of cancer. 150 grand for probably less than a decade of new dog. IT'S JUST A FUCKING DOG! And rich people wonder why the poor hate them. Let them eat cake, indeed.
One-track-mind managers. Like, they have on their plates tasks A, B, C and D, but they can't think of anything past task A, regardless of its real importance, and their whole world grinds to a halt until they get it done.
"Oh, uhh, could I get our sales totals from last Thursday? I need them for a meeting next week."
"Sure. That will just take a minute to do, but first I have to count this cash drawer, because I can't leave the money sitting out."
"Okay."
Two minutes later....
"Did you get those totals yet?"
People whose justification for believing in religion is, "Well, it's true for me." Things are not real just for you. They are real, or they aren't. If you're right, then every other philosophy is wrong. If you didn't nail it, then you're wrong. You don't have a "differing opinion." You're just wrong. What is real is not dependent on how you feel about something. Your feelings about things should reflect, and be affected by reality, because thinking that it works the other way around is delusional.
A guy in a blue suit is standing in a white room. In his right hand, he is holding a red ball. He drops the red ball, lets it bounce twice, then catches it in his right hand.
What happened?
If you report anything other than exactly what I just said, it's not that you have a different, but equally valid opinion. You're wrong. If you recall that there were two men in a brown room and one of them was wearing a red suit and the other was wearing a green suit, and the man in the red suit bounced a blue ball five times and then it was caught by the man in the green suit in his left hand, either you really weren't paying attention at all, or there is something seriously wrong with your mind. "But, I feel in my heart of hearts that the one man blue suit white room red ball two bounce theory just can't be right." Well, you're wrong, and how you feel about it is irrelevant. "But I wouldn't want to live in a world where the one man blue suit white room right hand red ball two bounce theory was true." Well, too fucking bad. If, as in the case of religion, a billion people believe what you believe, and not what really happened, guess what? YOU'RE ALL WRONG. A billion people being wrong about something in the same way doesn't mean they're right, or that they have an opinion that is valid and should be respected. They're just wrong, and should be corrected. The proposition laid forth by Christianity is as follows: God has existed forever, created the universe in less than a week, 6000 years ago, and made humans in his own image. This is almost definitely wrong. Perhaps even more incredible than this batshit-insane story is the fact that people today believe this account of the actions and demands of the creator of the universe which was spread mostly through oral tradition by people who were completely ignorant of things like dinosaurs, germs, genes, the size and shape of the earth, and the list of things they knew nothing about goes on and on. What are the odds that these people, whose lives were ravaged by their basic ignorance about pretty much everything more advanced than feeding goats, got the entire history of the universe, and the creator's sayings, likes, dislikes, demands, and promised punishments and rewards... EXACTLY RIGHT? Pretty fucking slim. Now, the universe and life and the diversity of species obviously had to happen SOME way, so how did it happen? This is not a matter of opinion. It began SOME WAY. It couldn't have happened 100 different ways that are all equally valid opinions, and it almost definitely was not perfectly figured out by ignoramuses from 2000+ years ago who wouldn't know a double helix if it grew to the size of a skyscraper and started singing Bon Jovi songs while doing backflips. "Vanilla ice cream is delicious" is a matter of opinion. "The creator of the universe will send you to hell forever for not kissing his ass in the ways described in this book," is a statement of facts, not opinion, and the odds of these facts, that were written by people who knew next to nothing about anything, being correct are pretty close to zero.
Dumb Amazon recommendation of the day:
"Oops, I Did It Again" by Britney Spears. Recommended because you bought "I Am Not A Doctor" by Moloko.
Looking for irrational guilt, fear, tribalizing prejudice and suspicions, the termination of your real learning process and unfounded assurance?
Give religion a try.
Looking for an eye-opening, mentally transformative experience that will radically alter your perception which you will always remember and will blow away anything else you have ever experienced?
Give LSD a try.
Retards who you can't give anything to, because you KNOW they will lose or break it. Like it's a 100% probability. It's just a matter of time.
"Here's your two-way radio... Now, don't lose it, okay?"
"Okay," the guy scoffs, as if to say, "Pffft, I'm an adult. What? You think I'm retarded?"
Two weeks later...
"Dude, where have you been? I've been trying to get a hold of you all morning? Is your radio on?"
"Uhhhh..."
"You lost it, didn't you?"
"Yeah..."
People who keep talking after you tell them you need to use the restroom. Like, if it wasn't urgent, I would just wait for you to stop yapping and go later, and you would never even know I had to go. The fact that I'm telling you at all should be a clear indicator of the urgency of the situation.
"Do you have a minute?"
"Actually, could I get back to you in a few minutes?"
"I just wanted to go over our expense reports for last week."
"Okay, I'll be right back. I need to use the restroom."
"So I was looking at the expense reports for last week and I see a few things that are unaccounted for."
"Okay, look. Right now, a huge loaf of super-soft shit is trying to pry my ass cheeks apart like one of those carnival strongman shows where the dude bends the steel bars on his cage, and all of my physical and mental energy is currently being spent trying to prevent my pants from being filled up like custard being piped into an eclair. If I'm trying to focus on holding my shit in, I'm going to be too distracted to give you a good answer, and if I break that concentration, I'm going to shit my pants, and then we're both going to be far too distracted to think about the expense report. So, uhh, I'll be right back, and I promise this little meeting will be much more productive than it would be if I shit my pants."
Christians who say "Merry Christmas" in a sideways, "so there" kind of way, so the transparent implication is, "Merry Christmas, you fucking heathens. Not your secular 'Happy Holidays' bullshit! This holiday is all about MY beliefs, particularly my belief that I need to assert the dominance of my religion at every possible opportunity."
Look, I might be an atheist, but I do enjoy Christmas (at least the parts of Christmas that are actually enjoyable). Christmas means to me what it means to pretty much every other American who celebrates it. Namely, it's all about buying presents for people to make them happy, hoping I get back presents or a piece of ass of comparable value, despising the mall, despising the mall parking lot more, eating and drinking with family and friends and staying indoors as much as possible because it's fucking cold outside. So pass the fucking eggnog, assholes. It's not all for you, and there sure as fuck wouldn't be any liquor in it if Christmas was all about Jesus.
Business computers that are clearly capable of reporting, but don't create any reports about anything that would be useful.
"How many hamburgers did I sell today?"
"Uhhh, the computer doesn't record that, but apparently 67% of people who ordered hamburgers got cheese on their burgers."
"Okay... But how many customers did we have?"
"Uhhhh... 256,425."
"What? Today?"
"No. Ever."
"How many today?"
"Oh, it doesn't record that."
"Hmmm... How much money did we make in November compared to October?"
"It doesn't record that."
"What does it record?"
"Oh look! It recorded the number of times female employees pressed the 3 key vs how many times the male employees pressed the 3 key."
"Pfff! Really? And what does it say?"
"It's about the same."
Party DJ's who play "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" at corporate semiformal Christmas parties in New York City.
Any poll that is rigged by excluding obvious strong contenders. Comedy Central has this "Stand-Up Showdown" shit where you get to vote for your favorite comedian. The guy who's winning is that fuck with the puppets. A close runner up is Mitch Hedberg, which makes sense, but if you can vote for dead guys, WHERE THE FUCK ARE GEORGE CARLIN, BILL HICKS AND RICHARD PRYOR? Also missing are people like David Cross, Sarah Silverman, Doug Stanhope, and pretty much most seasoned comedians you can name. In their place are tons of comedians who nobody has ever heard of, even the retards who think of Comedy Central as an authority on comedians, as indicated by the single digit vote tallies. Basically, lots of people who left an indelible mark on stand-up comedy are ostensibly missing, but every doofus "Hey, I'm a really, really fat guy with a Hawaiian shirt and no neck and a million fat jokes!" asshole is there with 3 votes apiece. It's like having a poll for best American presidents and excluding Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt, FDR, Truman, and Kennedy, but leaving in names like Harding, Buchanan, Nixon and George W. Bush.
On a side note about comedians, I'm tired of Kathy Griffin being unduly given this contrived image as an "edgy" comic. She's edgy if you compare her with Oprah, but her whole act is like reading People Magazine with a slightly sarcastic tone in your voice. She's so edgy that she dares to tackle such unmentionable topics as, "Boy, men and women sure are different, am I right?" and "Hey, let's talk about celebrities I've met, and bring up my resume in the process," and "My aging mom is lovably crazy," and "Boy, the Osmonds sure are weird." HOLY SHIT! YOU CAN'T SAY THAT! YOU'RE FUCKING EDGY AS FUCK! HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!
These retards on AIM and MSN...
Flowbee29: dude, neg, are you gonna put your fuck canada page back up?
Negposorg: no
Schmelvin9882: neg! I miss the canada page. are you ever going to put it back?
Negposorg: no
Glankensprock: hey neg! just wanted to say I like your site
Negposorg: thanks
Glankensprock: I think my favorite thing was the canada page. are you ever going to put it back?
Negposorg: no
Transgenderteenwolf: hey neg, are you ever gonna put the fuck canada page back?
*exit AIM*
On an amusing side note, my Blackberry thinks "Transgenderteenwolf" is a misspelling of "transgressions," which is kind of suitable, in a twisted kind of way. But yeah, the Canada page had not been updated in a long time, and I really wasn't interested enough to keep working to keep it fresh just so some frat boy from Alberta could get all red in the face. Political humor is funny when it's fresh, and when it's not fresh, it's like those retards who still make Monica Lewinsky jokes.
Comedians and actors from a long time ago who are credited as being comedy pioneers, and you can't really find anything they did that was actually funny at all.
Comedians and actors from right now who are the hottest rising stars in comedy, and often land tons of movie deals, full-time roles on SNL and other sketch comedy shows, sitcoms, etc. And they are only slightly amusing with a huge team of writers backing them up, and aren't even kind of funny on their own.
The fact that a lot of Americans who whoop and howl about America being all about freedom and liberty are also for the war on drugs, against abortion, against gay marriage, against free speech, for the death penalty, for torturing anyone the government labels an "enemy combatant," against basically all immigration, for suppression of political movements they disagree with, for suppression of ideologies and religions other than their own, for establishing Christianity as the official national religion as a means of oppressing people who don't conform, for establishing English as the official national language as a means of oppressing people who don't speak English, for Guantanamo Bay, for the Patriot Act, against people who disagree with the government, for the expansion of police power, against art, for banning books, against interventions that might truly make foreign people more free, for interventions that make foreign people less free while protecting or expanding American corporate interests, and are often racist or sexist... The list goes on and on. Ask one of these assholes with their fucking awful American flag cowboy shirts what freedoms they actually support sometime. "Uhhhhh.... I support the right to own a gun... and, uhhhhh... I support the right to say The Pledge of Allegiance and wear a flag pin and take off your hat and put your hand on your heart when they sing The Star Spangled Banner at a baseball game... And uhhhh... Did I mention guns yet?" So you can wave your flame-retardant flag all you want, but you sure as fuck don't believe in freedom or liberty.
People in this day and age who hold up the line because they still don't quite get the concept of metal detectors.
"Take off anything metal you might have on you and put it in the bin, then step through the gate."
*BEEP BEEP BEEP*
"Do you have anything metal on you? Cell phone?"
"Oh, yeah, sorry."
*BEEP BEEP BEEP"
"Step back through the gate. Any other metal?"
"Oh yeah, sorry. My keys."
*BEEP BEEP BEEP*
"Oh sorry. I forgot about those ten rolls of quarters I had in my back pocket."
*BEEP BEEP BEEP*
"Whoops. Forgot about that steel ingot in my jacket pocket."
*BEEP BEEP BEEP*
"Oops! Yeah, forgot about my dinner-plate-sized commemorative Dale Earnheart belt buckle."
*BEEP BEEP BEEP*
"Ahh, yeah. That must be my big clunky Mister T necklaces."
*BEEP BEEP BEEP*
While it bugs me when people name their babies overtly pretentious bullshit like Chaz and Søren, worse are people who, in 2008, name their newborn babies names like Johnston, Harriet, Mable and Rose. How about naming your kid something that they won't have to be a senior citizen to grow into?
Christians who try to press the argument for prayer in school by dishonestly painting themselves as victims of discrimination. "But our kids aren't allowed to pray in school!" Bullshit with a capital B. Your kids can pray wherever and whenever they want. What isn't allowed, and shouldn't be, is a publicly funded school sanctioning prayer. You can't have the principal or school chaplain or whatever get on the intercom and say, "Okay, students, it's 9:30. Time to bow our heads and pray." School is a place to give children the tools they need to learn how to think, not what to think. If your kid wants to pray, he will, and he will be perfectly free to do so. If your kid doesn't want to pray, he shouldn't have to explain to his peers why he doesn't bow his head and murmur during a sanctioned prayer time.
Oh, and on a side note to this:
"What's with these damned atheists trying to get 'under God' taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" First off, "Under God" was added during the Red Scare to distinguish the US from those "Godless Communists," which is pretty goofy. More importantly... Why are kids made to say the Pledge of Allegiance anyway? Pledge Allegiance? If my government is good, sure, I'll be loyal and supportive to it, but if it sucks, then no, I'll fight against it or leave. Why make a five year old say the Pledge of Allegiance? Same reason you start forcing religion on him at that age, because that's when his head is still soft and he'll believe any dumb shit an authority figure tells him. "Be a nationalist! Be a good Christian! Santa is watching you!" Bullshit.
Conservatives who sarcastically "congratulate" me for Obama's victory. "So, you got your guy in," they say with obvious disgust. Look, we spent the last eight years absolutely ruining this country with your dumb, self-serving ideas. It's time to give something else a try.
Un-asked-for charity. You walk into the office on a Monday morning and find on your desk a pile of neckties. The lady you work a couple of desks away from says that her husband doesn't wear them anymore, and that you can have them.
Gee, thanks. So you were cleaning out closets this weekend, and found some ties that were too crappy for your husband, and weighed your options of throwing them away, giving them to the Salvation Army, or to me. You apparently deemed that I was more in need of ties than the Salvation Army, as my own ties leave much to be desired, so you brought them to me, since I obviously can't afford to buy my own. Of course, you expect me to wear these ties, so you can see them and think, "Oh, that's one of those crappy ties I got rid of." Thanks.
Guys who are all hoity-toity about tying their necktie in an unusual way that they read in some dumbass magazine like GQ or Maxim - you know, magazines for pinheads who have nothing more interesting to think about than which buttons to button or not button on a suit jacket.
"First you hang the ends down so the wide end is about eight inches lower than the skinny end. Then you wrap this around here, and fold this part over that part and make a one inch zig-zag fold here and then wrap this part around it, then you flip this part around here and wrap this part around that part two times, then put this part through this loop, then make a square knot in this part and then wrap that part around it twice, then tuck this end through there, then pull it tight. So as you can see, it looks great - JUST LIKE IF YOU TIED IT THE WAY EVERYONE ELSE TIES A TIE!"
Christians who are against abortion and embryonic stem cell research, due to the assumption that the soul enters the zygote at the moment of conception, which makes this cluster of cells worthy of the same rights as a fully formed person. But most of these same people think that someone going to a fertility clinic for in vitro fertilization to is a beautiful thing, despite the fact that they will fertilize many ova in the process, maybe a dozen or more, and maybe only one or even none of them will become a baby. Congratulations. You are have just "murdered more babies" than almost anyone who has had an abortion. Of course, I say this facetiously, since most fertilized eggs never end up becoming babies anyway. Most of the time, fertilized eggs just die, or will be flushed away during a woman's period. I guess that makes God by far the most prolific murderer of babies of all. By the way, sorry that I've been on a "bash religion" tear lately, but it's been a while since I was in a good, rational debate with someone. Religious people seem to be running amok with irrational ideas lately, more than the norm, which is far from rational.
My general instinct is to hold doors for people rather than let the door slam their faces, and while I don't expect or even want gushing gratitude, if you think you're going to just walk through without a thank you, a look, a smile, a nod, OR EVEN NOTICING ME, as though the door just magically stayed open by itself, you can go fuck yourself.
Me, age 0-18:
Me: "Poopy."
Mom: "WHAT? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? WE DON'T SAY THAT KIND OF FILTH IN THIS FAMILY! GET OVER HERE! I'm gonna wash your mouth out with CHLORINE BLEACH!"
My younger sister, age 12-present:
Sister: "Fuckity fuck cuntfart mcfuckity shitcock twatsnot fuckin' jizzbag snatchnuggets tits diarrhea eater dick fuckin' clitscab buttfucker!"
Mom: "Tee-hee! You're so silly! You are such a funny girl! Funny and smart! How did I ever get such a creative child?" *hug*
The "hater-by-default" factor on sites like youtube, myspace videos, etc.
Someone posts a video. The video is 30 seconds long and features an average looking guy performing some planned stunt or skit that seemingly most people would find funny. (It's not one of those videos that are famous because they're horrible, such as the Star Wars Kid or Chocolate Rain.) Then you look at the comments. For every "Haha, that was funny" there are 100 people saying shit like,
"You look like a faggot."
"Retard."
"What kind of shirt are you wearing? It looks stupid."
"Your accent is annoying."
"Your fat."
"Is that your mom in the background? She looks like a fat dyke!"
"Why would you do that? I hope you die!"
"Fuck you, cunt!"
"What a stupid faggot."
"Why don't you buy some soap, you zitty sack of shit?"
"FAKE!"
Bands who have no ambition to be anything more than a local band. Whoop-dee-doo! You're the hottest Phish cover band in Eastern Tinyville, Oklabama. Who gives a shit?
Retards from Sarah Palin's "Real America," who think that the reason people in big metropolitan cities like New York vote for Democrats is because they're a bunch of soft, sissy liberals who don't give a shit about national security. Listen to what you're saying and use what the years of alcohol and crystal meth has left of your brains and think for five seconds. Who do you think the target of terrorism is? YOU? Right. Let's say some terrorist has built a dirty bomb. Where is he going to set it off? You think his list of targets includes Uncle Skeeter's Bait 'n' Tackle Shack down over there yonder by the "crick" at the end of some dirt road with no name in West Virginia 25 miles outside the nearest town, which, itself only has a population of 2000? Bullshit. You roaches would probably survive a nuclear war, just from the distance you are from civilization. "But what if Osama Bin Laden were to blow up the factory outlet mall in Dry Ridge, Kentucky? They got a Waffle House there! If the terrorists blow it up, I'll have to drive another 30 miles to get my hashbrowns smothered, topped, chopped and scattered!" Look, Billy Bob. Don't fucking worry about it. WE'RE the target. Nobody really even cares about you. Not even dim-witted politicians from the "Meth Capital of Alaska."
People who, when you patiently explain a philosophical concept in terms a four year old can grasp, still don't get it.
"If God is omniscient, and has a plan..."
"Uh-huh..."
"Then at the beginning of the universe he knew that I would be born..."
"Uh-huh..."
"And he also knew that I would grow up and be an atheist..."
"Uh-huh..."
"So if God exists, and is omniscient and perfect, and has a plan, there's no way I could have free will, because no matter what path I 'chose,' he knew in advance that I would 'choose' it, and in fact created me TO 'choose' to be an atheist, and will send me to hell for a destiny that he knew about, and indeed designed from the start."
"But yes you do so have free will!"
"Okay, look."
"Uh-huh..."
"Let's say I'm omniscient."
"Uh-huh..."
"And you flip a coin, and I know through my omniscience that it will land heads..."
"Uh-huh..."
"So since I knew ahead that it would land heads, it's not a random occurrence..."
"Uh-huh..."
"So it had to land heads. There's no other possible outcome. The notion of probability is out the window. It 100% has to land heads."
"What if I choose not to even flip the coin?"
"You can't fool someone who's omniscient. I would have known that the outcome would be you not flipping the coin. Your 'choice' not to flip the coin would, in fact, not be a 'choice' at all, but what I knew would happen."
(Failing to see the relationship to the previous argument.) "Uh-huh..."
"So if God knows everything, he knew before the universe even existed that I would end up being an atheist."
(Still failing to see where this ties in) "Uh-huh..."
"So there was no possibility but for me to be an atheist."
"Uhhhh..." (Blank stare)
"So if there was no other possibility, I could not have had the free will to choose otherwise. The outcome is exactly as he planned it."
"But yes you do have free will!"
"Okay, look. You believe that God knows everything, right?"
"Yeah."
"You also believe that he has a plan for everything, right?"
"Yeah."
"Then why pray?"
"Well, because God hears me and will make a way for me to get the things I want and need."
"Okay, look. If God knows everything, and has a plan, then you praying is pointless, because he knew long before you ever existed whether you praying to him was in his plan, and if him giving you stuff was in his plan."
"But, uhh, no, praying isn't pointless."
"It is if he's omniscient and has a plan, because the outcome would always be exactly the same as when he first laid out the plan. He even knew that some dude was going to pray to him at 8:23:14am November 2nd and pray for all the stuff you prayed for... So you didn't even have the free will to ask for the shit you asked for. It was all part of his original plan."
"But yes I do so have free will!"
"So you believe God can change his plan?"
"If he wants to."
"Then he can't be all-knowing."
"Yes, he is so!"
"If he was all-knowing, he would know how everything would turn out in advance, including his plan, so there is no way he could change his mind."
"Huh?"
"So even he can't have a free will, if he knows how everything will turn out."
"Huh? But yes he does so!"
"So basically you have to choose. Either God is all-knowing, or you and God have free wills, because it is impossible to have both."
"NUH-UH!"
Tiny towns full of old people with pristinely groomed lawns where the main industry and main use of land is cemeteries.
Recently MSNBC ran an article about the most notable discoveries about the ancient ancestors of humans. The article had many neat things about developments in hip and skull structures, teeth, and so on, and all-in-all was fairly interesting. What annoyed me was that before they even got through the first paragraph of the introduction, they gave this dumb, placating lip service to creationism, something along the lines of, "While many people believe that humans were designed by a supernatural creator, another theory is that humans evolved over a long period of time." Look. Just fucking get to the Australopithecus bones and shut the fuck up. Anyone who actually cares enough about his education to learn about this shit, even if only purely for the enjoyment of expanding his consciousness, probably doesn't buy the story about dust and ribs and talking snakes anyway, so stop insulting our intelligence. The two theories are on far from equal scientific footing, and are definitely mutually exclusive, so you can forgo the dumb disclaimer. Every adult who believes in either evolution or creationism is at the very least aware of the opposition of these two ideas, and the impossibility of both of them being true, so what's the fucking point? If you're going to make a news article that asserts things like the fact that the earth is greater than 6000 years old, or that humans share traits and genetic material with less developed organisms, just fucking do it. If you were doing an article on advanced math, you wouldn't waste valuable page space explaining concepts like "2 plus 2 equals 4," so why would you explain that, "Hey, just so you know, there are some people who disagree with this evolution stuff." No shit. They're wrong. They are as wrong as people who believe that 2 plus 2 does not equal 4, and it's staggering that their beliefs are treated with greater respect. Like, you wouldn't make a disclaimer in your math article that says, "Please be aware that some people do not believe that 2 plus 2 equals 4," you would just disregard them and their dumb opinions, because they're fucking retarded. You made an article that assumes, correctly, that modern humans evolved from earlier hominids, so have some fucking balls and just roll with it without taking time to coddle all the willfully ignorant, soft-headed retards who will disagree. Anyone who sends an angry email to the editor with some variation of, "Well, actually..." is fucking wrong. You know they're wrong. Anyone with a scientific education knows they're wrong. THEY'RE WRONG! Don't baby them for being wrong, just fucking disregard them.
The Windows registry.
"What the fuck! My computer is doing something really fucked up and annoying! I'd better look online to see if anyone knows how to fix the problem."
"Oh, just hit start, then hit 'run' then type 'regedit.' Then open the folder called HKEY_CURRENT_USER and dig way down all the hundreds of folders until you come to the folder called 873873UHD8947390748DJHFD8327KJHFD837. Open that and then search through the thousands of files with long gibberish names of equal length until you find the entry {CBU837436-6534654-49837-78DDC-5897FDE1RTB48}. Now delete that entry. Ok, now close regedit and restart your computer."
"OF COURSE! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?"
In November, '08, the heads of the American car manufacturers flew in their private jets to Washington to beg congress for 35 billion dollars to bail out their failing companies. So let's see if I have this straight. If I open a restaurant, but my business model is flawed, and my business fails, I lose my money, my employees will be out of work, and I will probably spend the rest of my life up to my eyeballs in debt. But if I run a corporation that has made shitty, poorly designed, gas guzzling cars that nobody wants for decades, and my profits decline, and my company could actually be considered partially to blame for the fact that America's economy is sagging, then I can sit there in my 3000 dollar suit and expect a huge handout. Makes sense to me.
Hate mail take-backs. Lately, I have received several requests from people who sent me retarded shit, which I posted on my page unaltered, and then years later, presumably after they finally got their first real job, they send me emails begging me to take their bullshit down.
From: Jack Beefytits
To: Negativepositive
April, 2002 Subject: FUK U FAGOT!
"OMG I FUKIN HAET U DUDE! UR NOTHIN BUT A FUCKIN FAGOT AND A JEW AND A JEW FAGOT WHAT JEWS AROUND ALL FAGOTY LIKE UR GAY OR SOMETHIN, U FAGOT! IF I EVER MEET U ON TEH STREET IM GUNNA BEAT YOU SO HARD THAT UR GUNNA GET BEAT REAL HARD CUZ I NO U CAN'T FITE CUZ UR A FAGOT! U FUCKIN FAGOT!"
From: Jack Beefytits
To: Negativepositive
October, 2008 Subject: Requesting removal of my email
"Good afternoon. A few years ago, I sent you an email which I regret, which was insensitive and inappropriate. I see now that you were right, and I apologize whole-heartedly for sending you this correspondence. Recently, I have started a job with a multinational corporation, and see that if my email is found by my superiors on the internet, it could embarrass me, and possibly even compromise my livelihood. Again, I apologize, and would greatly appreciate it if you would remove my email.
Best regards, J. Beefytits"
From: Negativepositive
To: Jack Beefytits
October, 2008 Subject: Re: Requesting removal of my email
"No."
[-+]
From Jack Beefytits
To: Negativepositive
October, 2008 Subject: Re: Re: Requesting removal of my email
"FUK U FAGOT! IM GUNNA FUKIN SUE UR ASS YOU FAGOT! I HOPE U FUKIN DIE! I HOPE SOMEDAY I MEET U THEN I WILL STOMP ON UR FAGOT ASS! SEE U IN CUORT FAGOT!"
Hey, if you're going to be a dick, don't be a pussy about it.
Comedians on Comedy Central. Yeah, it's ironic, I know, but you know what's funny? Filth. "Oh, hey, so great you could make it, Mr. Stanhope! We are so happy to finally be shooting a special with you, which will be interrupted with that annoying jazz song every five minutes as we go to a ten minute commercial break, which will feature all the same commercials in every break. I just wanted to talk for a sec before you go on. As you know, this is basic cable, so, you know how you usually tell hilarious bits about fucking midgets, and hookers having war-torn twats that look like someone kicked a hole in a rotting pig carcass, and the smell of hooker pussy while on a heroic dose of mushrooms, and needing to meet a two headed girl with new and interesting holes to fuck because it's the only way you can get off? Well, uhh, yeah, you can't talk about any of that. Nope. So uhhh, just stick to jokes about airports and fast food, maybe some Carlin-ish examination of an expression that if you think about literally it seems weird. Hell, just point out how weird the set looks. Yeah. Just nice fluffy stuff like that. Cool. Well, go out there and knock em dead... but, uhh, don't color outside the lines. Yeah, we know it won't really be funny, but we'll just dub in the laughter and applause later. Don't worry, nobody will know. This channel aims for the middle. In fact, nobody who regularly watches this channel even knows who you are. We don't get great comedians. We get lame comedians and make them stars. I mean, we gave Mencia his own show for fuck sake, and anything that retard has ever said that was mildly amusing, some better comedian said before him, and he just took it and repeated it to the ignorant people who watch us. So go out there and make 'em laugh... but not too much."
Christians who seriously don't understand how dumb circular arguments are. It works like this. How do you know the Bible is true? Well, the Bible says it is the word of God. How do you know the Bible is the word of God? Because the Bible says so.
I got in an argument with a fundamentalist recently who was trying to use this concept to "prove" the event of Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection. "Hundreds of people SAW him crucified, and then he was laid in the tomb, and then THE TOMB WAS EMPTY! Then he appeared before at least 500 people! How can you not take the testimony of 500 people, many of whom were disbelievers, as proof?"
I responded, "Because that is not the independent testimony of 500 people, it's the testimony of ONE BOOK, and that book could have said any number the author wanted."
How can I not see that as proof? Okay, let me introduce myself. I am Negativepositive, high priest of the Holy Church of the Almighty Glombrax. Glombrax is the son of the one true god, Grickencrack, and the book of Glombrax attests to this. Actually, that whole episode with Jesus being killed and resurrected was just plagiarized from the book of Glombrax, which is twice as old as the Bible, according to the book itself. You think 500 witnesses is a big deal? Well the book of Glombrax says that after Glombrax was killed by the second sun landing on him as he lay on his lawn chair drinking margaritas (this second sun was later flicked into deep space by Grickencrack to prevent it ever landing on the earth again), he lay dead, not for a wussy 3 days, but 20 years. In that time, one MILLION people got to line up and check Glombrax's pulse to make sure he was dead. Then, after 20 years, he rose from the dead, and this was witnessed by the same million people, ALL of which, previously didn't believe in Glombrax's divinity. 500? PFFFFT! Then he ascended into heaven in a solid gold flying Lamborghini. SEE? How can you not see the testimony of these ONE MILLION PEOPLE as proof that Glombrax is truly the son of the real god, Grickencrack? How? Because I just pulled it out of my ass, much like the Bible was pulled out of the asses of people who thought the earth was flat, that disease was caused by sinfulness, that stars were actually just tiny specks of light that could fall to earth, that Pi is 3.00, that the universe was a few days older than humanity (and that humanity apparently came long after it actually did), that the moon emitted light, bats were birds, rainbows never happened prior to an impossible worldwide flood, that some birds and insects have four feet, dragons, unicorns, giants were real, and on and on and on.
Okay, let's play devil's advocate for a second. Let's say that the Bible actually accurately recorded the individual testimonies of 500 independent people who believed they witnessed a miracle (which, of course, it doesn't even bother to do). How easy would it be to get 500 people in the first century to believe something preposterous? Fuck, FOX News does it every single day to millions of people with a far tighter grasp of reality than anyone in Jesus' time. Imagine that you could be sent back in a time machine to Jesus' time and show those people something from modern times. A fucking WHEELBARROW would knock these retards on their asses. "HOLY FUCK! I CAN LIFT UP A WHOLE 100 pounds of sand, and move it over to that other pile of sand! YOU MUST BE THE FUCKING SON OF GOD! HOLY SHIT, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! Check out my sand pile!"
People on Myspace or Facebook who invite you to groups that support causes or politicians who are of only a tiny local interest at best. "Join the group 'Citizens for the Bridge' (8 members) We are fighting the current state proposal that aims to tear down and replace the 20 foot long bridge that spans some creek you have never heard of on a road you have never and will never travel, in a town you have never and probably wil never visit, and looks like any other bridge, and has no particular historical importance, and we demand that the state instead spend much more money to restore the bridge, which has been deemed unsafe and on the verge of collapse. Help us in our fight!" WHO GIVES A SHIT?
Publishers and record labels that have 80 tons of bullshit that nobody gives a fuck about and one or two truly brilliant artists, who act like those few shining stars are of equal or even lesser importance compared with all the other shit they sell. "Welcome to the quarterly TVT records news letter for Fall of 1991. We have many exciting new compilations of TV theme songs for this year which we know you're going to love! We are trying to get the rights to the theme to 'I Dream of Genie' for volume 38, so keep your fingers crossed. Also, and I hardly even think it's worth mentioning, but the band Nine Inch Nails has submitted another album of new music to us, but we really don't think it's worth publishing. It just sounds like a bunch of moody noise to us, and frankly, we don't get it. We, of course, will hold Trank Reznik, or whatever his weird name is, to his contract to give us 5 albums which are worth publishing, but we will do so at our discretion, and honestly I wonder why we ever signed him to begin with. We really don't think this band is going anywhere."
<img src= "picture, usually of a cat, but often of another cute animal, doing something funny">
" "witty" dialogue with exaggerated misspellings and poor grammar "
Now copy and paste that 5000 times and you have a nearly exact replica of almost every "wacky pictures" sites on the internet.
"Wacky pictures" sites on the internet where someone took a normal picture and then used some extremely simple photoshop procedure, like using the stretch tool to make the subject's eyes "c-ray-zy," and then they post it like it's the most awesome thing ever. "Holy shit! It's a baby, but its eyes are CRAZYLOL!" *click next* "Holy shit! It's a picture, usually of a cat, but often of another cute animal, but its eyes are CRAZYLOL! Oh, and it's using "witty" dialogue with exaggerated misspellings and poor grammar, because clearly, it's CRAZYLOL!"
Bands that I never knew were good, and then I hear them and have my mind blown, only to discover that they only released like one or two albums and broke up 5 years ago, so I have nothing more to hear of theirs, and nothing to look forward to.
Bands that I heard in passing years ago, but for whatever reason, never followed up on, and then I get myself all twisted up thinking that they were really amazing, so I scour the internet trying to find what I heard, and of course this only happens with bands that had small releases, or vinyl-only releases, which ensures that I have to put forth tons of work, and often spend too much money, to find the music I heard, and either it's really good, but very short, or it's not nearly as good as I thought I remembered.
Creationists whose other misguided beliefs could be debunked through meaningful debate, if only they weren't creationists.
"Homosexuality is a sin. It is entirely unnatural, and a choice that people make in defiance of God!"
"Actually, if you look at lower animals, particularly higher primates, you find that there is a surprisingly high percentage of individuals that tend towards bisexuality and homosexuality. Even in animals as low on the evolutionary tree as birds and......"
*Dumb, self-assured smile*
"Oh.... Right. You think people aren't even related to other animals, and hence, think human behavior is entirely unrelated to animal behavior."
*Dumb, self-assured smile*
"And all these points, which would be evidentiary to someone who actually understands biology, are meaningless to you."
*Dumb, self-assured smile.... nod, nod, nod*
People who somehow believe in evolution AND creationism, or believe that evolution applies to plants, animals, etc, but not to people, since people aren't animals.
"Of course I don't believe that the earth isn't only 6000 years old, and I can see that higher, more advanced species developed over time from less developed species."
"So you can see that humans are somewhat closely related to great apes?"
"PFFFT! NO. People came from dirt and ribs, and were created in God's image. Don't you know anything?"
People who seem to believe in evolution when one of its concepts suits their argument. This is an actual conversation I had with someone.
"How can you say that homosexuality is natural? You don't see gay animals."
"Actually, you do. Oh, by the way, I didn't know you believed in evolution."
"I don't."
"Then why would you make a comparison between human behavior and animal behavior? If humans are not related to animals, animal behavior would be completely irrelevant to human behavior."
"Errr, uhhh, well, errr...."
"Although, if humans and animals had a shared ancestry, then yeah, human behavor would be directly related to animal bahavior."
"Uhhhh, errr, uhhhhh...""
Creationists whose understanding of evolution, and the basis for their arguments against it, is that a chimpanzee gave birth to a blonde, blue-eyed human child.
People who think that one of the most valuable skills you can have in modern America, and are a failure as a human being if you don't have, is the ability to shoot a gun well. Look, when the zombie armies come, then yes, firing a gun will be a useful skill, but most people can get through their 9-5 lives just fine without having perfect form with a gun. "Pfft, look. Her elbow is all wrong. She's gonna lose her bead when the gun kicks." Who gives a shit?
People who try to bargain by lying and exaggerating about the prices of things with relatively well known values.
"Man, why do I waste my money in your restaurant? I could go to Burger King and get a value meal with a Double Whopper with cheese, large fries and a large Coke for two dollars!"
Ummm, NO YOU CAN'T.
RPG videogames where you have to play for hours or even days or weeks before you get reasonably useful abilities. You make a character. At level 1, your list of abilities are apparently "Attack," and "Hope you live," though there doesn't seem to be a button for the second one. After several levels you gain a new ability: "Block." After several more levels you get another ability: "Heal 10% of your health for 50% of your magic." Of course, you advance along and at a quite advanced level, you finally have a list of abilities that you look at and think, "Gee, that would have been nice to have for the last 50 levels."
Reason #248 America is fucked
There is a very real possibility that the Stock Market could crash and send us into another Great Depression. Also, we are mired in two major wars with no end in sight, and the way that we have handled these wars, which were purportedly to make us safe from terrorism, have actually made us much less safe from terrorism, meanwhile, Americans are losing their liberties at an astonishing rate, as America looks more and more like a fascist state. What pressing issues are foremost in the minds of a frighteningly large cross section of voters? "We need to get someone in the White house who will ban abortion and gay marriage once and for all!"
You assholes. Who am I kidding? Should I expect rational thinking from people who would take their children out of public school to shield them from science classes that might teach them that Noah didn't chill with dinosaurs, giants and dragons? Yeah, silly me to assume people would actually be concerned with real problems that could affect them. (Oct 12,'08)
The recent saturation of ads on TV, billboards and the subway for airlines, where they act line the flight itself is going to be one of the best parts of your vacation. "We've got TV and wi-fi and satellite radio and delicious hot meals and seats that tilt all the way to being fully reclined. Holy shit! We've even got duvees! No fucking shit! Duvees on an airplane! Well fuck me runnin'! You're going to wish the flight would never end!" Then anytime you're actually on a plane, even on the airlines that make these ads, they have all the luxurious amenities of a fucking post office. Your knees are pressed against the seat in front of you, the meal is a can of soda and 0.002 ounces of pretzels and maybe, if you're lucky, they have a super shitty movie to watch on a tiny screen that's all cloudy and etched and fucked up from the time some brain trust tried to use an abrasive scrub pad to get a stain off it. Sometimes you get on a plane and it's visibly in a bad state of decay. Am I the only one who would rather not be flying in a plane that seems to be staying in the air simply by the power of duct tape and prayer?
Pretentious bosses who take up valuable time in meetings and ceremonies to pontificate about the company's "culture." Look, blow your new-agey bullshit out your ass. This company manufactures plastic forks. Who gives a shit? The Mayans were a culture. You're just a pretentious goober trying in vain to assign importance to something trivial. Let's see here. I showed up on time? I treated clients well? I did what I could to make the company money with minimal expense? The company is meeting or exceeding projected goals? Morale is on a reasonably even keel? Cool. Now you'll excuse me if I don't pretend to act like the company is of metaphysical importance to the universe and weave it into the fiber of my existence. "Culture?" Pfffft.
The large number of Americans who think that if you aren't a jingoist, you're not a patriot.
Friends who give themselves a schedule that essentially allows for zero free time, who then act bitchy with you because you can't ever seem to be able to schedule a time to meet up and hang out. Look. I'd like to hang out too, but I wasn't the one who decided to go out and get married and have two kids and work a full time job plus a part time job on weekends and also go to college full time plus take a kickboxing class three times a week. "Well, dude, I told you I was free from 3:45 to 5pm on Monday if you wanted to hang, but I guess you had something important to do. Pfft. Give me a call sometime, I guess."
People who, if gas rose to $18.62 a gallon, would still be like, "Pfff! Look at mister hippie dippy birkenstocks and his little pussy hybrid! Does it run on bean spouts? Haw!"
Bar flies who are incapable of walking into a bar without being kicked out 45 minutes after closing time because they won't get the fuck out on their own and keep nursing that last drink they bought at last call as though buying it gives them a divine right to sit there and be a loud jackass when the bar staff wants to close. "C'mon, man! You can't kick me out! I still have nearly a whole beer left!"
Girls who think that the sexiest thing in the world is a cop.
"Oh, baby! Remember last night when you busted that sweet house party at 9:30 because those people were committing the vile crime of being of age and drinking and playing a cool mix cd in the privacy of their own home, and then you threw that one guy to the ground and dragged him to jail for having a joint in his pocket, and then you and a bunch of other cops spent the next three hours searching the house for drugs and questioned the home owner until he was stressed to the breaking point because he had dared to have a few friends over? That was so HOT!"
Apparent prioritized design purposes for Legos:
1.) To create small objects with the maximum number of sharp angles and ideal size to hurt like a motherfucker when someone steps on them barefoot when they are left on the floor.
2.) To act as interlocking bricks which children can use to create structures and play with.
The fact that a search on Facebook or Myspace reveals that apparently the majority of my high school class has done nothing whatsoever since graduation but gain weight, have a bunch of goofy looking children, love the lord and root for the home team. And you wonder why I left?
Vending machines that don't have an option to refund your money when the item you want is out. If I walk into a store and want a Pepsi, and they're out of Pepsi and every other relatively non-disgusting soda, they don't force me to buy a fucking Sunkist because that's all they have left.
A couple of years ago, I was called to jury duty, and as expected, this helped to further diminish my hope for humanity. It was a criminal trial. Apparently, this guy called this other guy a name. This was witnessed by several people. The other guy then got in his car, drove to a sporting goods store and used his credit card to buy an aluminum baseball bat. (The store provided a copy of the transaction for evidence, which showed the guy's name. Also, the store owner picked the guy out of a lineup.) He then spent a few hours driving around looking for the name-caller. When he found him, he got out of his car and smashed the guy's face in with the bat. This was witnessed by many people, including two police officers, who wrestled the guy to the ground and got the bat away from him. The bat, of course, was brand new and matched the model of the one purchased a few hours earlier.
Plea: Not Guilty.
Vendors on sites like Ebay and Amazon who apparently ship things through some weird type of mail that is designed specifically to go as slowly as possible. Like, if I mail my landlord my rent on a Monday, he gets it of Wednesday or Thursday at the latest. But if I buy something from some vendors, they send it via "media mail," which apparently is a special type of mail where you go to the Post Office, and they use your package as a coaster in the break room for a couple of days, then ship it to a warehouse in Arizona that is guarded by vicious dogs. After a couple of weeks, they send a guy on a horse, Pony Express style, to pick up the package, and maybe his horse will die of thirst in the Arizona desert, in which case they wait another couple of weeks to send another rider. Once a rider actually makes it through the desert and successfully fights off the dogs and gets your package, he rides his horse to a nursing home in Columbus, Ohio. The package is then given to a 93 year old nearly-blind altzheimers patient who is verbally given instructions to take the west-bound R-18 bus to the 8th Street terminal, switch to the south-bound F-21 bus, the local, not the express, and get off at the 7th stop, walk 2 blocks east and 6 blocks south, then put it in the second mailbox from the south east corner of Limestone Blvd and Lime street. Three weeks later, the old man is found dead on a park bench, miles away from his intended destination, without the package, and a notice is sent to the vendor to ship a new copy. Then the process begins again, and continues until your package finally reaches you... or maybe not.
Recently in New York, there has been an advertising campaign to try to paint Islam as a peaceful, tolerant belief system that has been demonized by nothing other than Americans' ignorance of their beliefs, which seeks nothing but the respect afforded to any other innocuous belief system. The ads are laid out in two panels. The first has a relatively benign phrase in the form of a question, such as, "Head scarf?" or "Prayer rug?" The second panel says "You deserve to know," and has the group's web address, whyislam.org. Head scarf? Is that really one of the most serious questions plaguing the minds of Americans who are hesitant to see Islam through rose colored glasses? How about some real questions? Clitoral mutilation of children? Jihad? Honor killings? Beheadings? Stoning people to death? Lopping off people's limbs as a sentence for committing crimes that would be misdemeanors in the West? Mujaheed? Patently and often violence-inciting anti-semitic sentiment and satire in much of the mainstream Islamic media? Global conquest as a central doctrine? Huge swarms of people rioting in a murderous rage after being offended by the tiniest and most innocuous shit? Beating, killing, or raping women for having the audacity to show an inch of skin? Women being sentenced by tribal counsils to be gang raped as a punishment for their brothers' offenses? Suicide Bombing? House of War? Destroying significant historical artifacts that are older than Islam because they supposedly insult a religion that didn't even exist when they were made? Destroying statues and pictures for fear that their mere existence might lead to idolatry? Whipping and cutting yourself to a bloody pulp? Fatwas condemning Islam's critics to death? Jizya? Mohammed married a six year old and fucked her when she was nine, when he was 54, and in many Islamic countries, in the 21st century, the age of consent has been lowered to 9 in admiration of the prophet? Women as property? Women as second class citizens with a highly diluted set of legal rights compared to those enjoyed by men? Trying and sentencing rape victims to death by stoning, since, supposedly being raped makes them adulterers? Fathers and brothers murdering their daughters and sisters because having them fall victim to rape brings shame on the family? Death for apostates? You deserve to know. Why Islam? WHY, INDEED?
Things that would make multiplayer online games fun:
Strategy
Planning
Acquisition of interesting weaponry and equipment
Coordinated teamwork
How online gaming actually works in 99% of multiplayer games:
Spawn with a shitty weapon
Run around in a panic trying to find a better weapon
Get killed in one or two shots by someone you didn't even see after running around for 15 seconds or less
Respawn
Repeat
Any job that requires you to be there and working while most sane people are dead asleep. I mean, granted, when I pull off the interstate at 4:23am to buy a Slim Jim, some King Dons and a Mountain Dew, I'm glad there's someone around to sell them to me, but seriously, keep checking the classifieds.
Creationists on YouTube who try to "scientifically prove" creationism. I just watched this video by this tard who framed his argument in such a way that it rips itself apart. Of course, he apparently deleted all the negative comments and left up all the Christians who said he did a great job, and now he has comments blocked. Gee, that doesn't slant anything.
"Let's talk about time. If I tell you that I will give you a million dollars after an infinite amount of time, am I ever going to give you the money? No. Therefore, time has to be finite. Therefore, it goes the other way too. Time had to begin at a certain point, and the universe is made up of things, and things cannot exist outside of time, therefore God had to create the universe." Oh.... and God is not subject to time.... because you say so? I assume, since God has a name, you assume he's a "thing," and "things" cannot exist outside time, so God couldn't have existed outside of time, to "create" time, so, uhh, God doesn't exist, and never did. GOOD JOB. You proved it. Actually, you did prove something conclusively. You proved that you probably skimmed an article in a magazine that mentioned some basic concepts of Einsteinian physics, and apparently misunderstood it completely.
Realtors who are just flat-out liars.
"So I notice that the unit below this one is a Merengue bar, and the unit above it is a roller skating rink, and outside, 20 feet to the left is a NASCAR track and 20 feet to the right is a NASA rocket testing facility, and across the street is a shooting range where people can pay to shoot 50cal machine guns. Isn't it noisy?"
"Noisy? No. Nobody has ever said anything to me about the noise. The previous tennant used to say that it was very quiet and peaceful. OH! Did I point out the new bathroom fixtures?"
People who live in fear of doomsday scenarios that could in no way be altered by human actions. Someone just sent me a video warning me to "get educated" about the OORT cloud of comets, because sooner or later, a shitload of comets are going to hit the earth and wipe out all life on the planet. Uhhh... WHY? While I always like learning new and interesting things, what could possibly be the reason to try to implant fear and dread in people about something that there is no possible way to stop, and might not even happen for millions or billions of years. Do you really think humanity has that long? And if the shit happens TOMORROW, what good would it do to worry about it? What are you going to DO about comets smashing into the earth and annihilating all life on the planet in a single day? Hint: that Bruce Willis movie was ridiculous, at best. "You should educate yourself!" Yeah? Well you should calm the fuck down and have a slice of pie, because pie is delicious, and maybe you won't be here tomorrow to have a slice, but you' don't know either way. I'm betting you will take the slice of pie, and tomorrow you'll be back to have another slice. Lots of people since the dawn of human history lived until their dying days, worried every day about the "imminent" end of civilization. What did they all have in common? They were all worried unnecessarily, and now they're dead, so who cares?
Retards who haven't figured out that a video camera is not a regular camera, who TURN THE CAMERA ON ITS SIDE to frame the picture in "portrait" rather than "landscape." Hey, dipshit, this isn't a paper picture that someone can turn in their hands, you are posting this shit on youtube, and nobody is TURNING THEIR MONITOR ON ITS SIDE to see your retarded video of your baby laughing.
People who marvel at the amazing idea of bomb disarming robots. Sure, using a robot to get rid of a bomb is better than losing a human life, but every time a five dollar bomb annihilates a two hundred thousand dollar robot, we still aren't really winning.
The screaming, raving preacher on the street outside my office says that if I don't believe in Jesus, there's something missing in my life, and you know what? He's right. There IS something missing from my life... Most notably missing is the urge to stand on a street corner for hours every day and abandon all self respect as I scream and rave about imaginary things and annoy the shit out of passers-by and people in nearby offices who are trying to concentrate on actual work.
Oh, and there's this other guy who screams and shouts in the street near my work. He has spent about 2 hours a day, three days a week, for the past two years standing outside with a sandwich board with something or other written on it about some injustice or some corrupt official or something, shouting the same repetitive phrase over and over. It sounds like "BLUH-dee-BLUHHHHH! BLUH-dee-BLUH-dee-BLUHHHHHH!!!!" Yeah, in two years of practically tripping over this guy on my way out of the building, I haven't quite figured out what he's protesting. I mean, I'm sure he would be happy to tell me in detail what he's fighting for, but as it turns out, I'm not the least bit interested what some crazy asshole has to say about anything. Here's the deal. When there's 500 people with signs shouting a repetitive chant, it's a protest. When it's ONE guy, he's a fucking whack-job who needs pills.
On September 1st, the news broke that John McCain's vice presidential pick, Sarah Palin, had a 17 year old unwed daughter who was pregnant. It was the biggest news story of the day, drowning out such insignificant news as Hurricane Gustav. Of course, nearly everyone piped in on the news media that "Children are off limits. Palin's daughter's pregnancy should have no bearing whatsoever on how Palin's character or ability to lead are judged." A CNN poll was worded, "Should voters care that Gov. Sarah Palin's unwed daughter is pregnant?" Of course, the vast majority voted No. In fact, a few Republicans called the Democrats and media sexist for even mentioning it. You know, because no Republicans would ever stoop so low as to say anything sexist about Hillary Clinton or Nancy Pelosi.
And I fully agree that shit happens, and 17 year olds will occasionally ignore their parents' authority and fuck and get pregnant, and it's not the most conclusive way to judge the character of Sarah Palin, who, by the way, opposes ALL methods of birth control, including condoms, even for married couples. Surely this whole thing is completely out of her hands. And I also agree that voters should not be so focused on a candidate's spouse, children, or, even pastor. (Remember?) However, if this was the daughter of Barack Obama or Joe Biden, the Republicans would have taken it and used it as a sledgehammer to smash the Democratic campaign and demonstrate the egregious moral failings of liberals. It would be the key note of the ongoing Republican National Convention, and every speaker there would have alluded to it for a cheap laugh, and would have gotten nothing but cheers for doing so. If it was a Democrat, it would have cost them the election. Obama or Biden's illegitimate grandchild would have been their Donna Rice, their Willie Horton, their Swift Boat Veterans. But it's a Republican, so, c'mon, guys. Don't be so petty.
Oh, and a side note. The irony of this whole media blitz is hilariously hypocritical. The top story of the day on EVERY news media outlet in America: "Should the media be so focused on Bristol Palin's pregnancy? Well should it? Hey, let's talk about whether or not we should be focused on Bristol Palin's pregnancy, because I don't think we should be. What do YOU think about Bristol Palin's pregnancy? Do you think it's important? Here, take a poll about the importance of Bristol Palin's, daughter of vice presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, pregnancy. Oh, you don't think Bristol Palin's pregnancy is important? There you have it. Americans don't think Bristol Palin's pregnancy is important, or that it should be important. Bristol Palin is pregnant, by the way. She's Sarah Palin's daughter. But that's not important. It's totally unimportant and irrelevant... that Bristol Palin, the daughter of Sarah Palin, the republican vice presidential candidate, is pregnant... and unmarried. STOP PUNCHING YOURSELF! STOP PUNCHING YOURSELF!"
"Christian scientists" who make their primary goal the debunking of evolution. Okay, just for the fuck of it, let's say that you somehow disprove evolution. You still haven't come a single step closer to proving creationism. Where's your fossil record of snakes with vocal cords and lungs and brains big enough to handle human speech and reasoning? What, uhh, species of tree produces the fruit that gives the ability to determine what's good and evil, because that's the sort of shit that you could actually test. Oh, it was lost in Eden? Well, considering that we can pretty much see a fly on the ass of a racoon with satellites, Eden shouldn't be too hard to find, so, uhhh, you wouldn't happen to have a rough idea of the coordinates, would you? I mean, if the earth is only 6000 years old, that kind of stuff should be relatively easy to find, compared to dinosaur bones that are hundreds of millions of years old.
People who eat a hamburger or slice of pizza with a fork and knife.
Bands whose main purpose seems to be to get the word out. "Dude! Are you doing anything Tuesday? You should come see us play! I mean, I know we've been around for four years, and our play list has only grown by two songs in that period of time, and the two newer songs are covers, but dude! You should come check it out! Oh, and don't forget to check out our website. It has a blog where I tell you about upcoming shows and lots of links to where you can buy our music and merchandise. Oh, and there is a monthly video blog where I tell you about our creative process, and tell you about upcoming venues, but no music. Oh, and add me as a friend on Myspace, and subscribe to me on Youtube. If you do want to get video of us playing music, we have a DVD of us playing live, and it includes a video for one of our songs, shot entirely by me and my girlfriend without ever leaving the yard. Here, man! Take some stickers to, you know, spread the word!"
The most notable thing going on today is that the stock market is taking a beating following a run on a bank.
Front page headlines on cnn.com:
Lady finds snake in washing machine.
Which celebrity couples are the most green?
Check out our review of the new Batman movie!
What's the deal with Bret Favre?
On July 6th in a suburb of Atlanta, GA, a Pakistani man, Chaudhry Rashid, killed his 25 year old daughter by strangling her with an electrical cord because she refused to stay in an arranged marriage with a Pakistani man from Chicago. While the CNN and ABC articles did refer to the killing as an "Honor killing," the following words are ostensibly missing from both of their articles: Muslim, Islam, Islamic, Sharia, all of which are central to the concept of why this murder took place at all. Instead, the articles repeatedly tiptoe around the crux of the issue by referring to the incident as an act of domestic violence. While it is inargaubly that, it intentionally misses the point. Calling this simply an act of domestic violence would be like calling a nuclear bomb blast "unseasonably warm weather." Say what you will about my tolerance of different religions and cultures. If Mr. Rashid had been a Christian, Hindu, Jew, Bhuddist, Mormon, Taoist, etc, or, ideed, an atheist, Sandeela Kanwal would still be alive.
Radio stations where you have them on in the background, and then you realize the last song they played was "Freeze Frame" by the J. Giles band, and for at least the last ten minutes, they have played nothing but commercials, and you think, gee, is it really worth it to sit through ten minutes of the most annoying commercials on the planet, just so I can get to hear 'Hip to be Square' by Huey Lewis and the News? No. No it isn't.
Smarmy turds who say, "You know, diet sodas are actually much worse for your body than regular soda." Yeah, well, I'm sure soda in general is bad for your body, but this year I switched from regular soda to diet soda, and as a result, I dropped 25 pounds in five months, without altering anything else about my diet or level of exercise, and I'm sure that's really crappy for my body.
People who want to show you ultrasound pictures of their baby, or their sister's baby, or their wife's baby, and you haven't even met these people, and expect you to act excited. Look. I don't even want to see pictures of these kids running around Chuck E. Cheese's at their eighth birthday party, much less a blurry black and white blob of gibberish where you can sorta-kinda, if you squint, make out a hand or a head. Oh, wow. Maybe it's a leg... Or maybe it's your colon full of that Double Whopper with cheese you ate a few hours ago. I would be equally impressed to see a blurry black and white picture of either. When it's my baby, then yes, I will be happy to get visual confirmation that my son actually has a head, and only one head. When it's not my baby, it looks like every other ultrasound picture I've ever seen. How do I know you didn't just get that picture from Google Images? And what difference would it make to me if you did? "Wow... Your baby has some handsome JPG artifacts. Nice pixelation on that kid."
People who have a dumb milktoast concept of what it means to be "bad."
"Oh my god, I've been so naughty this week. I had not one, but TWO chocolate chip cookies after lunch!"
"Yeah, I was kinda naughty too. This morning I woke up on the floor of a public restroom stall, and I can't remember how I got there. I felt like shit, so I snorted some cocaine off the toilet seat for a little pick-me-up. Then I went outside and didn't see my car around, so I stole a car and went to see this guy who owes me money. He wasn't there, but his girlfriend was there giving me the run-around, so I head-butted her in the face and knocked her out and dug around her pockets and found her wallet with 250 bucks in it, plus an ATM card, and the stupid broad had written the pin number right on it, so I hit the ATM and took out a grand. Then I drove by this seedy neighborhood and picked up a couple of hookers and took em to this hotel and we all did a bunch of coke and fucked for a few hours with no protection. Then that guy kept calling my cell phone screaming about his girlfriend, and that shit got old, so I kicked the hookers out naked into the hotel hallway and drove back over to the guy's apartment and beat him bloody while his girlfriend just hid in the bathroom crying. So yeah, I was kinda bad today too."
"Oh, god! And did I tell you? I ate pizza today! God, my diet is so screwed!"
People who take on this air of superiority and act aloof about their jobs and try to push for more money because they "have other offers," and then end up never leaving because they're full of shit.
"What are you going to bring to the company picnic?"
"That's in what, two weeks? Pffft, right. Like I'll even be here by then. I'm about to blow this dump."
Three years later....
"Heh, this place can kiss my ass. I'm tellin' ya man, I am outta here."
Does the world really need another movie about a hot, prissy girl who falls in love with a hot urban guy while taking part in an over-the-top street dancing competition between rival break dancing gangs? Wait. Let me answer before you say something stupid. No. No it doesn't. (Insert "illegal auto street racing," "illegal underground martial arts tournament," etc. as applicable.)
Web filters at work that were apparently put into place completely arbitrarily by someone who didn't even look at the website.
I recently tried to view a website about Final Fantasy XI Online, and was met with the corporate "blocked site" page. On the page they show the corporate web usage policy and list the reason the website is blocked. "Reason: Hate and Racism. Your IP has been logged." What the fuck? So now H.R. Is going to see my name tossed into a list of people who were checking out pages for neonazi and white supremacist groups because I was looking for something about Final Fantasy?
"Please hold while the Nextel subscriber you are trying to reach is located... Please hold while the Nextel subscriber you are trying to reach is located... The Nextel subscriber you are trying to reach is currently unavailable." I mean, I'm no marketing expert, but maybe it's not the best idea to put your corporate branding on something that is directly indicative of how shitty and broken your service is. Oh, gee. Nextel is trying to locate them. Any other company's phone would be fucking ringing by now.
The fact that emails sent from my job are caught in the spam filters, but somehow "SexyGirl35681" who wants me to view her "private pictures" and "Karim al-Qusur" who claims that I "AM WIN CANADA LOTTERY" get through just fine.
People who are not actually participating in The Olympics, who act like The Olympics are of some vast importance. It's people playing sports, and most of these are sports that fucking nobody gives a flying fuck about except when they are in The Olympics. When was the last time you went to a bar and found the entire place fixated on the curling match on TV? When was the last time you hurried home from work so as not to miss the bobsled races or weightlifting competition on TV? That's right. Never. This year's summer Olympics are being held in China, amid tons of protest about China's human rights record. To the protesters I say, why protest now? Because of the Olympics? Who gives a shit? Why weren't you out protesting before? Oh, right. You get more visibility because of The Olympics.
On my way to work I saw people passing out religious pamphlets. This was nothing new, but the title of the pamphlet made me chuckle. "The Scam of Unbelief." Scam? Uhhh, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but there's no money that is inherently derived from not believing in fanciful things. So uhhh.... Where's the fucking scam? When was the last time a paleontologist said, "If you don't buy me a private jet, I can't do my work?" When was the last time a biochemist said, "No, the federal government can't see my financial records because they belong to God?" (Both of these claims were made by evangelist Kenneth Copeland). On the other hand, there's a shitload of free money to be made in religion. Religion is the greatest scam ever conceived, and I guess they don't like competition. It's the old "defense by accusation" ploy. Scam? Hah! "But, if people stop believing in God, who will pay for the gold leaf and jewels that we planned on buying to embellish this huge building that is a dwelling for nobody? And how are we going to afford our 200 acre mega-church complex? And how will we pay the legal fees to protect our army of kid-touchers from pedophila charges? And the Pope is getting bored of his solid gold jewel-encrusted scepter and wants a new one. Who's gonna pay for that if people start realizing we're full of shit? How will people be able to convince their relatives to murder their daughters for honor after they've been raped? Who will we get to blow themselves up on crowded busses if people start figuring out that there's no invisible man in the sky smiling down on their actions? Who will chop off their children's foreskins and clitorises when people realize that the real reason for their removal is to diminish sexual pleasure and that there is no supreme patriarch out there to be offended by sexual pleasure?"
Apple is at it again, trying to peddle their lack of innovation to their goofy, little, brainwashed appleheads as though they were amazing innovators. The second generation iPhone commercial begins, "What is 3G?" as though they fucking invented it. "It's the internet (dramatic pause) twice as fast. It's sending and receiving emails (dramatic pause) twice as fast. It's text messages (dramatic pause) twice as fast." Oh yeah... You get the internet twice as fast as the old iPhone. In other words, the iPhone is now finally on a network that is JUST AS FAST AS THE ONES USED BY EVERY OTHER CELL PHONE IN AMERICA! How about making a retroactive commercial for the generation one iPhone. "It's the internet... HALF AS FAST. It's emails and text messages... SLOW AS FUCK COMPARED TO ANY OTHER PHONE."
Cheese soup. Know what the difference is between cheese sauce and cheese soup? With cheese sauce, you are using cheese to flavor something that's less fatty than cheese. With cheese soup, you're drinking a much larger quantity of liquid cheese without all the fuss of chewing something else in the process, you fat fuck. Maybe I should just give you a jar of mayonnaise and a spoon and watch you go to town.
The myth of targeted advertising on the internet. Since my first Windows 95 baby steps on the internet, I have heard the nervousness, which varied in intensity from cautious and sober to tin-foil hat conspiracy theory paranoia, that unseen forces were floating around the internet, collecting a record of everything I look at, everything I write, everything I search for, all my associations, all my friends, all my political interests, all my private thoughts. These forces would then use this record against me in the form of (dastardly villain trumpet blare - picture the "Spanish Inquisition" sketch from Monty Python) TARGETED MARKETING!!!! Gasp! What an abridgement of my freedom! So... Annoying as it might be, where is it? I don't see them advertising electronic music, viral videos, stand up comedy, video games and porn to me, at least not to a greater extent than they advertise these things to anyone else in spam and banner ads. From what I can see, about the only thing they seem to know about me is that I am most likely male, and speak english. OH! And apparently, I own a computer. Let's see, what do I get advertised to me on a regular basis?
"Refinance your Mortgage!" Good research, retards, I have lived in apartments for nearly 9 years.
"Order discount prescription drugs from Canada!" Gee! Just what I need, considering I generally don't take any prescription medication and have no problem getting boners.
"Meet Christian singles in your area!" Wow! It's uncanny how you pinpointed the exact demographic that I totally have no urge to meet at all!
"I am Abdullah Izmir, and I need your help urgently in a private financial matter!" Sounds legit to me!
"Your Citibank account am be locked from access to you! Contact urgently!" Okay, Master of English grammar! I will hurry and contact you to reopen my nonexistent Citibank account.
"Why not enroll at the University of Phoenix, for a brighter future?" Sure, why wouldn't a 35 year old guy who has a middle class income in New York City enroll in classes at a college 2500 miles away?
"Refinance your student loan!" I don't have one, but hey, maybe you can loan me some money for the education I don't plan on getting in Phoenix!.
People who give you gift certificates that are too small to be useful at the store they are from without you spending more money. Oh, gee, thanks. A 10 dollar gift certificate for Best Buy. Now I can buy... Nothing.
"The miner owns three gold mines." Correct
"This is where he mines for gold." Correct
"Today, upon finding a large nugget, the miner said, 'This gold is mines!'" WRONG!.
People who in this age of caller ID think they can get away with the old "Call and hang up" bullshit. Congratulations. You just made a new friend. I have a long commute, a cell phone, and nothing to do on the way but call your dumb ass back 100 times.
People who go on Amazon and give "The God Delusion," "The End of Faith," "God is Not Great," "The God Who Wasn't There," and other atheistic books and videos 1 star reviews purely on the basis of, "GOD IS SO REAL! HOW COULD YOU EVEN SAY GOD ISN'T REAL? NO WAY IN HELL WOULD I EVER EVEN WATCH FIVE SECONDS OF THIS VIDEO, BUT I'M GOING TO GIVE IT A NEGATIVE REVIEW ANYWAY! YOU'RE GOING TO GO TO HELL!"
People who think they can just blurt out their CRAZY worldviews and think that nobody will call them out on how crazy they are. Recently I was talking to some friends about books and movies and we were all talking about stuff we liked. I mentioned George Orwell's "1984" and a few people in the group were like "Oh, yeah. That was a good one." This one guy blurted out, "Yeah, I can always enjoy a good book, even if it does rip on ultra-conservatism." Yes, he used the term "ultra." Usually the only people who prefix "conservatism" with "ultra" are liberals who want to point out how far to the right someone is, but this guy was casually referring to himself as an ultra-conservative. If what you get from 1984 is that it's a happy ending because the party smashed Winston Smith's mind and spirit until he submitted and conformed, and that this was a good thing for society, you're fucked up, and I will be the first to tell you. Like, as much as I disagree with run-of-the-mill conservatism, I can understand it, but to be an advocate of totalitarianism.... go fuck yourself.
Cults. This one seems to really speak for itself, but I think it goes a bit beyond the whole "Those people are KOOKS" factor. I tend to think in a rational way, for the most part, and this has led me to believe that the claims of religion tend to be highly suspect. There are things that people believe that are real, and there are things that people believe in that are not real, or at best, are highly improbable. A million people, or even billions of people, can believe in something and be wrong. Even if you are, for instance, a Christian, you can look at other belief systems and see the glaring flaws in logic and low degree of probability of their claims. However, on the other end of the "sanity in numbers" scale, there are beliefs that are held by very few people. If everyone who believes in something can fit in a single subway car, there's a very strong possibility that those people are crazy. Being in a minority is one thing, but how does someone get to the point where they can examine a belief, that is highly improbable at best, and held by only 200 people, or 50, or 20, and think, "Hmmmm.... You know... This guy Dave says he is the son of God, whose true name is Guadachungo, and he says that the best way to show appreciation to Guadachungo and to the Almighty Dave is to let my underage children engage in orgies with Dave and his 25 followers, and that once we all share the same blood, and we give all our money and property to Dave, he will receive a divine message from Guadachungo, and we will steal a school bus and ride it to a place far away in the desert, where we will all douse ourselves in gasoline and set ourselves and our children on fire to burn away the old bad skin of sinfulness away, and once we are pure, Guadachungo will arrive in his spaceship to take us to his home planet.... Yeah, that sounds reasonable."
Reason number 728 why America is fucked.
Who would win in a hypothetical presidential election?
Candidate 1: Has an IQ of 168. Highly educated in economics, cultures, history, political science and geography, and has spent time as a professor in most of these subjects. Previously held the office of Governor in a state whose economy, crime rate and educational system took a sharp turn for the better during his two term tenure. His reputation is that of a strong diplomat who has worked in the United Nations and already has a good rapport with the leaders of many countries which have a wide variety of styles of government, and economic, racial and religious backgrounds. He doesn't particularly like apprearing on television, and appears somewhat awkward and has a dry manner of speaking. His advisors are carefully chosen for their knowledge of world affairs, economics, history, and their ethics. Stated reason for running: Wants the US to be seen as a positive force around the world with a strong economy, reduced crime and with real opportunities for the working class. Has not publicly stated any religious affiliation, and says that his religious beliefs are a private matter, and should be considered irrelevant due to his qualifications to lead. Does not resort to mudslinging in his campaign, believing that his qualifications and well-known sense of ethics will ensure a win.
Candidate 2: Has an IQ of 115. Went to an expensive university and got a Bachelor of Arts degree with a C average. During his years at the university, he was known not for his academic achievements, but for his wild social life and popularity. Has been previously employed as a newscaster and sports reporter, and is comfortable and photogenic on television. Later he served one term as a senator with an unremarkable record. Most Americans would say of him, "He seems like the kind of guy I can relate to. He reminds me of my uncle, the kind of guy you would want to have a beer at a barbecue with." Frequently uses frat boy adjectives like "awesome" "killer" and "sweet." His advisors include mostly people who gave him a leg up politically in the past, an assortment of old friends, donors from previous campaigns, evangelical Christian clergy, college roommates and friends of his family. Stated reason for running: Believes that the US is a Christian nation and should return to more traditionally religious values. Says that God speaks to him and guides him, and despite having been married for 30 years, having two children and having served in the senate, claims that the most transformative moment of his life was becoming a Christian. Sees the US as far superior to all other nations, and believes that the way to keep it that way is to maintain its position as the world's only superpower, by whatever means necessary. Repeatedly implies that Candidate 1 is unpatriotic, cowardly, and is pandering to foreign countries, and is probably an Godless atheist, or worse, a radical muslim.
I just read an article on MSNBC about 17 girls, aged 15-16, who all became pregnant in one year at one particular high school. It turns out that they had all made a pact to get pregnant, and one of them, a 15 year old, was pregnant with the child of a 24 year old homeless guy. You, uh, fucked a hobo... specifically to get knocked up... at age 15... and now your baby has pedophiliac hobo genes. GOOD JOB, DUMBASS! I wish I could say, well at least the only life you're ruining is your own, but nope.
I'm in line behind this old woman at Wendy's, and she spends like five minutes ordering, asking what comes with what, and how much more it would be for this and that, then finally, when she's done ordering, the cashier tells her, "That will be $8.37," and she reaches in her pocket and pulls out a fucking fist full of change and dumps it all on the counter. She doesn't even count it or anything, and I swear there wasn't a single quarter in it. So then the cashier has to sift through this pile of mostly pennies and nickels to get the amount he needs. The correct response to having a five pound load of coins flopped on your counter isn't to count It, but to pick it up and throw it in her face as hard as you can.
Any service where you can sign up in a couple of minutes with nothing but a credit card and an urge do so, but you have to jump through a million hoops of flaming bullshit to cancel the service, and even when you're through, you wonder if you're really through, and you check your mailbox, email, credit card statement and bank account half expecting to see more charges.
Movies where the plot would completely grind to a halt if anyone acted the way real people really act.
Example:
Two guys who have never met previously meet in a bar and end up talking to each other for ten minutes about some generic conversational shit, then one of them says goodbye and leaves, and the other one sits there and orders another drink. Fast forward to the next day, or the next week or whatever. One of the guys is walking down the street at night to where he parked his car. As he puts his key in the door, he hears some scuffling in an alley across the street. From where he's standing, he can see that there is someone in the alley dragging something. The person in the alley looks over and they make eye contact. They both recognize each other from the bar the other night. The guy in the alley is dragging a dead man and is covered in blood. The guy calls to the guy with the car to come help him get rid of the body. In real life, the guy's response would be:
A.) Make a concerned face, then sigh, realizing that he must help the guy from the bar in getting rid of the dead body. He pulls the car up near the alley, pops the trunk, then spreads a tarp. He helps the guy from the bar lift the body into the trunk, and then they both drive out to the country and finally finish burying the body when it's almost dawn. He then drives the guy back to town, and they agree to keep in touch. He then drives home, and his girlfriend sees him covered in blood and dirt, and asks what happened, but he says not to worry about it, so, of course, she obediently doesn't ask any more questions, you know, like any normal girlfriend. In a few days, the police or the mob or whatever comes directly to the guy's door to ask if he has ever seen, they hold up a picture either of the dead guy or the bar guy, "this guy." He plays it cool and says he doesn't know anything, which is absurd considering how they knew exactly who to look for and where to find him. And the plot thickens...
B.) Immediately upon realizing that the guy is dragging a bloody dead body, he rips the car door open and gets the engine started as quickly as physically possible, then slams the gas and hauls ass out of there. When he gets some distance away and the initial panic begins to subside, he dials 911 on his cell phone and tells the police what he saw, but never looks back, and hopes the police didn't take down his phone number. He wonders what happened to the guy from the bar, but never actually finds out. He feels a bit unnerved that he shared a beer with a killer, and occasionally catches himself looking over his shoulder, but he never sees the guy again.
Celebrities who name their kids whatever the fuck they feel like. "The Edge," whose name I can't even bring myself to write without using quotation marks, the dumbass guitarist for the dumbass band U2, named his daughter Blue Angel, because I guess he digs air shows. Michael Hutchence, before he died of auto-erotic asphyxiation, which one of my friends referred to as "the Hutch Clutch," named his kid Heavenly Hiraana Tiger Lily. Nicholas Cage named his kid Kal-el, which is Superman's given name, you know, because he's not an earthling. Jermaine Jackson showed the limitations of the Jackson family's creative genes by naming his kid a fucking pun, Jermajesty. Bono, not wanting to be outshined in stupidity by his band mate, named his kid Memphis Eve. The dumbass rapper T.I., who, when he's not making utterly generic rap music or being arrested for trying to buy guns from federal agents or shooting every one of his videos with the camera staring up his flared nostrils, took a tip from Jermaine Jackson and named his kid Messiah Ya'majesty. Penn Gillette, the talking half of Penn and Teller, decided to name his kid Moxie Crimefighter. Jason Lee took one too many bumps on the head during his skateboarding career and named his kid Pilot Inspektor. Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple. Sylvester Stallone named his kid Sage Moonblood. Of course, Michael Jackson named his kids Blanket and Prince Michael II, but since it's fucking Michael Jackson, naming his kids that bullshit is just about the most normal thing he's ever done.
"We're going to name our kid, "Kyd!" (David Duchovny)
"Uhhh, no sir. We're going to call child protective services to keep your new baby safe from your stupidity."
People who are so perplexed by atheists that they ask, "Well, aren't you afraid you're going to hell?" Uhhhh, a disbelief in hell is sort of par for the course for atheists. In fact there are many people who do believe in God, but not hell. It's like threatening me that if I don't believe in your pet pegasus, he will bite me. We have no fear of hell, and no fear of being bitten by a pegasus, on pretty much equal levels.
Summer snowmen. I understand that it's hot outside, and while I am boundlessly thankful for girls in little tank tops, it has to be understood that if you're a hefty girl who isn't comfortable until you cake yourself with enough baby powder to look like there was a disaster down at the chalk factory, maybe you need to upgrade to a tee-shirt. It's cleavage, not funnel cake.
I don't think of myself as homophobic, and I definitely don't think of myself as prudish, however, I can't help but feel like the guy sitting across from me in this crowded subway car, thumbing through a big, glossy magazine of graphic hardcore gay porn, with an expression on his face as though he's reading a newspaper, and with a total disregard for the people around him, is at least a tiny bit fucked up.
Girls on myspace who did a photo shoot for a local hair salon when they were 19, who are now 31 and haven't done any actual modeling jobs since the salon gig, and have never done any actual acting jobs, but list their occupation as "Model, actress" and are full of their own shit, and think they have a fan base because they have 300 myspace friends, and 95% of them are either bands that want exposure, or dumbass guys with "show your abs" pics, who send comments that say, "Yo girl U lookin good! Holla back!"
The fact that we live in a universe that is at least 93 billion light years across, and has existed in the form that we know for at least 13.73 billion years, and is made up of an uncountable number of tiny particles that we only barely understand, and somewhere in this mess of vastness and things that we have only a flickery comprehension of is a galaxy that is one of perhaps hundreds of billions of galaxies, which is about 100,000 light years across, and home to at least 200 billion, and possibly as many as 400 billion stars, one of which, about 26,000 light years from the center of the galaxy, travelling in orbit around the center of the galaxy at 492,120 miles per hour, is a star which formed about 4.59 billion years ago when a hydrogen molecular cloud rapidly collapsed and the hydrogen began transforming into helium through constant nuclear fusion. And the various heavy elements within the cloud condensed to form a handful of planets, one of which possessed, against incalculable odds, the special chemistry which, somewhat recently, led to the formation of living things, and this planet revolves around its star at a speed of 66,420 miles per hour and spins at a speed of over 1000 miles an hour. And sometime very recently in the history of the universe, this planet produced its first species that had the mental capacity to begin contemplating all these things, and wondering at how everything came to be, and its purpose in the universe, and this species has only recently devised some meager means to begin untangling all these mysteries, which were utterly beyond the comprehension of any previous species on this rare planet. And this species, in only the past couple of hundred years, has expanded its knowledge and understanding of the universe many, many times over, and the more it learns, the more it realizes how much there is left to be learned, if in fact this species survives its own stupidity, which looms large over the frighteningly near horizon, threatening to destroy this species forever... and millions of these beings, most of which have a mere 70-something years to exist, can think of nothing more important or interesting to do with their brief time in the universe, than to sit, night after night, staring in rapt anticipation... to see which vacuous whore Bret Michaels would rather fuck.
People who, if something is cool, they hate it, and if something is really lame, you can almost be assured that they love it. Like, they love anything that sucks balls and hate anything that's good.
"So.... The New American Gladiartors."
"OH MY GOD! I can't believe they brought that back! I AM SO HAPPY!"
"Professional Wrestling."
"OH, DUDE! Don't even fuck with professional wrestling! I mean, if you saw the last Smackdown, you can't even tell me that shit wasn't fuckin' amazing!"
"The Departed."
"I don't get that shit, man. I mean, It's supposed to be like all bang bang shoot-em-up but they spent most of the movie like blah blah blah. People kept telling me it was gonna be good, but it's been a while since I saw a movie that bad."
"M. Night Shyalaman's 'The Village.'"
"OH MY GOD! That was one of the most amazing movies I have ever seen. I totally didn't see that twist coming! I mean, I thought these people were really living in the 1700's, scared of some creatures in the woods. And then it turns out that it's really modern day and the creatures were all bullshit? OH MY GOD! That took me totally by surprise! That has got to be the best acting and writing I have ever seen!"
"Pokemon."
"OH SHIT! Haha! I caught em all! That shit is AWWWWWWESOME!"
"Nine Inch Nails."
"Man, I can't get into that faggotty disco Bleep Bleep Bloop Bloop shit."
"Toby Keith."
"Fuckin' yeah, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout! Ain't nobody can write or sing as good as him, and he's really got his morals and priorities in the right place. I mean, The USA putting a boot in your ass... FUCK YEAH! WOOO!"
Pregnant celebrities. First, I want to start off by saying that there is plenty of real news happening in the world, so devoting all this time to keep everyone informed about who is knocked up is bullshit. But seriously, what is this shit? Has everyone in Hollywood become Mormon? It's like every woman who is over 15 years old and has made more than a buck fifty in Hollywood or the music industry has been pregnant in the last year. You know what's less sexy than being pregnant? Nothing. And don't give me that, "You're being misogynistic" shit. Women are beautiful. Pregnant women look like an alien seed pod with dark nipples. Seriously, I know you assholes can afford birth control. Use it.
People whose critique of a great movie or book doesn't get any more intelligent than, "It was too long." You know why "The Godfather" was that long? Because it had to be. The other thing that cracks me up are people who can't think of a better point to make in a debate other than "You use too many long words." I recently had a laugh posting a YouTube comment where I pointed out another instance of Dane Cook plagiarizing lesser known comedians, and got plenty of the usual, "Don't be a hater" "Go suck a dick, DANE RULEZ" bullshit, and one that made me me cackle. "no offense but you use 2 many large words!" The "large words" were "flagrantly" and "illustrious," by the way.
Automated customer support that doesn't help a fucking thing. So recently I bought an XBox 360, and a week after I bought it, the optical drive stopped being able to read discs. I checked the "support" area of the XBox page, and, as usual, they make you jump through hoops to get to the actual "email someone for help" link. The page was basically the usual "tech support for idiots" load of shit of the "make sure the machine is plugged in, make sure the machine is turned on" variety.
"Make sure the disc is not dirty or scratched."
It's brand new. Check.
"Make sure the disc is formatted for use in your region."
USA, Check.
"Turn the machine off, and then back on again and try again."
Check.
"Three or four more suggestions that Neg was too angry to remember."
Check.
"If these fixes do not remedy the problem, click here for technical support."
Subject: "Disc is Unreadable" Error
I purchased an XBox 360 one week ago, and the optical drive can no longer read any discs. I have tried game discs, DVD's and CD's, all brand new, free of dirt, smudges or stratches, and coded for use in the US, and the machine gives me the error, "Disc is Unreadable." I have tried restarting the machine, and this had no effect. What should I do?"
Subject: Re: "Disc is Unreadable" Error
Please follow these steps to correct this issue:
Make sure the disc is not dirty or scratched.
Make sure the disc is formatted for use in your region.
Turn the machine off, and then back on again and try again.
Three or four more suggestions that were exactly the same as the questions found on the "troubleshooting" page that Neg had to go through to even get to the tech support email link, and was even angrier to read again.
Thank you,
Jessica.
Yeah, whatever, "Jessica."
So, I opted for a non-technical solution. I returned the fucker to the store.
Morbidly obese girls who think that if you don't think they're sexy, your obviously some superficial asshole who would never date a girl unless she was anorexic and built like a coathanger. Uhhhh, there's a lot of grey area between Mo'nique and Kate Moss, and denial isn't endearing.
People who go on Amazon or other places where you rate videogames, who give a game a one star review because they didn't understand a core aspect of the game, like the idea of paying to connect to an mmorpg game, or needing to own the original game in order to play the expansion pack, when the requirements to play are posted all over the product.
"So I bought this piece of crap expansion for World of Whore-craft, (Get it? Because it rhymes with Warcraft? Holy fuck, I'm clever!) and like, you need to buy the original stupid game first! Like, they're intentionally ripping you off! I mean, I honestly expected that the full version plus the expansion would cost 20 bucks less than the full version by itself, because that makes sense! Oh, so then I buy the stupid original game, and then get this shit! They expect you to PAY a fee every month to play! I mean, what if I don't even want to play online? Oh, but gee, get this! This piece of shit doesn't even have a single player game! What a fucking load of bullshit! They want me to PAY to play with OTHER PEOPLE? Fuck that! Like I want to play with other people anyway! This game is 100% bullshit, and you are a sucker if you give them a dime! I wouldn't play it if they paid me!"
"They threw me under the bus." Seriously, this phrase needs to die. A couple of years ago I had never heard it, and now every time the laudromat loses your sock or someone doesn't like your tie or McDonalds puts a pickle on your plain cheeseburger, "THEY THREW ME UNDER THE BUS!" Aren't we being just a tiny bit melodramatic and overly sensitive? I mean, the desired impact of the phrase is in the imagery. Someone betrayed you and shoved you in the path of a speeding bus, where you were presumably dragged under the axle and scraped and crushed into a mess of bloody, shredded meat. Now, due to a couple of years of overuse, you assume that someone using this phrase was "mildly inconvenienced," or "miffed."
Last fall, I made a post ripping on supposed progressives who were following the Pied Piper named Ron Paul and being obnoxious about getting out the vote for this little stealth candidate turd. I just wanted to offer a little follow-up on that. In April, the US House of Representatives voted on a resolution to urge China's government to end its crackdown on nonviolent Tibetan protestors, to begin a dialogue with the Dalai Lama, to allow independent international journalists to have access to Tibet, and to release imprisoned nonviolent protestors, etc. This is not to say the US plans to force China to comply. The House voted 413 to 1 to pass the resolution (Currently there are 435 members in the House, so it can be assumed that there was broad bipartisan support.). Guess who the "1" was who voted against it.
Today I read an article that American schools were considering making 50% the lowest possible percentage you could make an F, so even if you skip an assignment completely, you don't get a 0%, you get a 50%. The reasoning? Well, if you get a 0%, you have to work really, really hard to get enough passing grades to bring your grade up to a passing level. In other words, we should make it easier to pass and graduate from high school without being able to find the United States on a globe, without knowing when America was settled, not knowing what the Declaration of Independence is, not knowing how to read and write without resorting to AOL-speak, and being completely baffled by math, physics, chemistry, biology, etc. "Uhhhh, the Periodic Table? PFFT! When I get my period is none of your fuckin' business, so you need to step off!" So, the solution to American students being too stupid to pass our dumbass watered-down educational system is to make it EVEN EASIER. I'm sure the rest of the world is cheering us on. "YES, YES! MAKE AMERICAN STUDENTS EVEN DUMBER! WE WANT THEIR JOBS!" Every country in the world wants to be as successful in the 21st century as the US was in the 20th. Should we just fucking hand it to them as we decay into the next member of the Third World?
The conservative concept that there is an infinite amount of wealth, and the only reason everyone isn't a mulit-billionaire is because they don't try hard enough, and if you're not lucky enough to be born male to a white, rich, American family who gave you a boatload of trust funds and an inheritance that is many times what an average person makes in a lifetime, or if your parents were too cheap to pay for an Ivy League education, well, PFFFT, that's YOUR problem. Oh, you mean to tell me you don't have hundreds of thousands of dollars of disposable income to take a chance on high-risk / high-yield stocks? HAH! That's YOUR fault. Fuck you, little people.
Speaking of retarded stoner humor, this retard at the gorcery store this morning was wearing an ever-so clever parody t-shirt with a picture of a fat, squinty-eyed Pikachu wearing a t-shirt with a pot leaf on it, with the caption, "Toke-e-Mon, Gotta Smoke Em All!" Oh, I might have forgotten to mention, he was shopping with his 6 year old daughter.
Retards who can't smile without biting the end of their tongues. Is that supposed to be cute? "Oh, that's a funny joke! A-th-th-th-th-th-th!"
People for whom getting in a bar fight, being restrained by security, dealing with police, being arrested and taken to jail for a day or two, eating jail food, taking communal showers, shitting in front of 20 other people, and being released with orders to report to court are all normal parts of an average weekend and nothing to worry too much about.
I always thought the perfect way to tell if I was getting old is when the music that young people think is awesome and becomes massively popular is the most stupid and irritating sound imaginable to me. That's bad news for me, because it apparently means I've been old since around age 14.
Parents who think their 35 year old child would be completely fucked if they weren't there to provide an endless stream of advice and suggestions about life decisions.
35 year olds whose lives would fall apart without a constant stream of parental guidance.
Ferrets.
Rarely will I single out a particular animal to hate, as I tend to see the natural benefits that certain adaptations in animal behavior or physiology would benefit the animal from an evolutionary standpoint, which tends to make most animals, at the very least, interesting. Even animals which seem to be pretty dumb can be interesting from the standpoint of biology. But seriously, ferrets are the most useless animals on the planet. Granted, guinea pigs are easily as dumb as ferrets, but they at least have the benefit of not being a wiggly, hyperactive slinky that bites, plus they have that adorable little squeak noise that basically serves as a beacon to predators, saying, "Hey, predators! Here I am! I'm a dumb, slow moving nugget of meat waiting to be snatched up and devoured!" A ferret is what happens when you remove the brain and spine from a cat, and then give it angel dust. It's as though they live their lives in a state of trying to be as annoying as possible. They can't even run like a normal animal. They kind of turn sideways and slink along with their back arched up and their back feet out of alignment with their front feet. Another thing I find interesting is that about 90% of the people who own ferrets are Wiccans. I attribute this to a need to have an animal around them which is actually dumber than them, in which case a dog would not fit the bill. If a wiccan had a dog, they would end up being the dog's pet. "Ah, but Nichodemus here is my familiar!" Congratulations. You have a spiritual link to the animal equivalent of silly string.
Then there's the fact that they have a skunky odor. As if it wasn't bad enough being nature's retard, they have BO to boot. I had a friend that had one that would chew on the cables that connected his VCR and DVD player to his TV. Not wanting to see the inevitable outcome of this, he decided to "train" the ferret not to do it. The ferret would go for the cables, and he would pick up the ferret, and move it away from the spot, turning it so it faced away from the TV. As soon as the creature's feet hit the ground, it would make an immediate B-line back to the cables. He snatched up the ferret again, and again the ferret ran straight back to the cables. It stopped being funny after about the 25th time. Even the dumbest cat or puppy would figure out that their master was trying to convey a message after being yanked away from doing something annoying and destructive a few times, but not a ferret. The ferret can only think, "DUHRR! CABLES, HAHAHAHA! DOIIII!" A fish has a greater learning capacity. Then there's the annoying no spine thing. If you pick up a ferret, and snap someone with it like a wet towel, the ferret is still thinking, "DUHRRR!! VIDEO CABLES! YAY! WHEEE!" My friend had a cage for the ferret, and he bought this sort of mulch for the bottom of the cage. The bag said, "Ferret litter." What it didn't say was that this was a verb. Any time the ferret was in the cage, its primary interest was to get as much of the litter out of the cage as possible. Sticking to character, it did this with an annoying scratching sound. My friend would call out, "TSST! HEY! STOP THAT! NO! TSST TSST TSST!" which, of course, the ferret seemed not to even notice. "YAY! LITTER! WHEE!!!" *fling fling*
Amazing bands that release a 7 song EP of mind-blowingly great and earthshatteringly unique music who then say, "Fuck it," and disappear.
Shitty bands who keep playing shitty shows and releasing new, shitty albums for thirty shitty years.
Employees who don't get the concept of VIP clients.
"See that guy over there? That's Mr. Johnston. Take very good care of him."
"Sure."
"No, like, REALLY."
"What? He's just a guy. He puts on his pants one leg at a time, just like everyone else."
"Yes, but he's my boss's boss's boss's boss, and once his pants are on, he can stamp on all our balls and then kick us all straight into an unemployment line on a whim, and I've seen him do worse for much less than getting mediocre service."
"Yeah, whatever. I'll take care of him. Pfft."
People who don't smoke pot who think that the only people who smoke pot are the very worst fringe of society, the Ted Bundys of the world. These are the people who heard that Bill Clinton tried pot in college and thought, "Well shit! I can't vote for that guy! No doubt the pot damaged his brain! What happens if there's a crisis? We can't have a president who will just sit there drooling like a retard!" Here's a tip, you disconnected assholes. Unless you have spent your entire life confined to a secluded religious cult compound on the outskirts of Salt Lake City, most of the people over age 16 you have met have tried pot. And if you did grow up in some weird religious compound, you should really give drugs a try.
People who smoke pot who assume that everyone smokes pot, and that everyone they meet will relate to, and be thrilled to hear their stoner humor and anecdotes about getting high, and won't think they're a retarded pothead.
"Dude! You know what today is? Haw haw haw!"
"Uhhh, Wednesday?"
"Nah, man, the date!"
"It's uhhhh... Is it the 21st?"
"Nah, man! It's the 20th! Hah!"
"... Uhhhh... And?"
"April 20, dude! Yeah!"
"... Is it your birthday or something?"
"No, dude! 420! Hah-haaah! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!"
"... Did you get your tax refund check or something?"
Fat comedians whose entire routine is about them being fat.
"Hey, everyone! It's great to be here! As you can see, I'm really, really fat!"
10 minutes later...
"So I was shopping for a car, and the dealer kept trying to sell me a Mini Cooper. Can you picture me in a Mini Cooper? It would look like a bumper car!"
10 minutes later...
"So I went to this all-you-can eat buffet, and you could see the look of fear on the guy's face."
10 minutes later...
"So I was dating this girl. I haven't seen her in a while though. Either she left me without saying a word, or she's stuck in between my rolls of back cleavage like a remote control between the couch cushions!"
10 minutes later...
"As you can imagine, I'm not a very successful triathlete."
10 minutes later...
"Boy, I sure am fat! Goodnight, folks! You guys have been great!"
Comedians who are really fat who make no reference to their weight at all, like we can't see it and it has no impact on your life. Yeah, sure, tell us jokes about your girlfriend. Tell us jokes about the rude cashier. Tell us jokes about airports. You're completely ignoring the elephant in the room. Look, the most obvious thing about your personal appearance is that you're fat as all hell. I'm not saying you should base your whole act on your weight, but come on. You talk about your kids, you talk about your mean boss at some crappy job, or your nagging wife or some rude customer service operator, but not ONE joke about food or exercise or finding clothes or people's rude remarks about your weight or how much you dig sitting around at home, puffing your bong, eating snacks and playing your X-Box? Really? Seriously? Dude, you're 400 fucking pounds. When you tell us an anecdote about your girlfriend, we don't even hear it because the mere mention of the word girlfriend distracts us by conjuring the image of a big, sweaty, naked walrus man huffing and puffing and getting all red in the face as he crushes a woman with his fat, gelatinous belly.
People whose Myspace page is almost completely focused on, "Yo, fuck all you haters! I am who I am, and if you don't like it, you can kiss my ass!" You know, as much as I flap my mouth, and as much as I express opinions that are probably only held by me and four other people, two of which are on medication so they stop having such opinions, I almost never get negative messages on Myspace. So I have to assume that you are probably getting mean messages because you're such a giant douchebag that otherwise mild-mannered people can't resist voicing their disgust at your very existence. Like, there must be some sort of primal instinct at work here. *Click....* "Doot-dee-doo..." *Click...* "Ho-Hum..." *Click* "AAAGH!" (Guy punches his computer monitor as hard as he can) "WHAT THE FUCK! GOD! I HATE THAT GUY!" It's maybe not a coincidence that almost everyone who has this as the central message of their page is either a morbidly obese girl turning her giant ass towards the camera in a slutty, skin-tight tube dress that is barely long enough to cover her ass, or a sixteen year old white boy with a shitty little patchy peachfuzz Ja Rule mustache who looks like he's trying really hard to look like a member of Icy Hott Stuntaz. I found this image today on some retard's myspace page and it made me cackle. The horrible editing flaws have been preserved to give you the full effect. Very classy.
.
People who claim to have arrived at their religious faith through scientific inquiry. "I think in a scientific, skeptical way, and if you tell me something, I need to see some sort of irrefutable evidence before I believe it. Well, if you walk down the street, you see buildings, and you know that even if you didn't see them being built, they had to be built BY someone. So where did life come from? Obviously, like the buildings, someone had to CAUSE life, and that's where God comes in." OH BOY, you sure gave that a lot of scientific thought, fuckwit. Let's see, I like hamburgers, but also I like pizza, therefore pizza was invented by Mayor McCheese. It's the only possible rational explanation. Gee, maybe buildings don't build themselves, because buildings are not organisms. Maybe when you have buildings that have DNA and reproduce, and gather and consume sources of energy for themselves and maybe eat things and have to avoid being eaten, and need to solve problems for themselves, maybe then we will have buildings that evolve over generations so they are more suited to their environments, but until then, it would be unfair to say it's like comparing apples to oranges, because APPLES and ORANGES are both at least PARTS OF ORGANISMS. It's more like comparing apples to carbeurators. As for "arriving" at creationism through science, you're full of shit, because there is absolutely no evidence for it. Here's a tip, mister scientist. In science, you need evidence. A guessed solution to a problem without an obvious answer is not evidence. By the way, there is a much more obvious solution, for which there IS evidence, and your denial of this evidence just shows how unscientific your thinking is.
While there are a ton of movies with flawed science, the ones that really piss me off are movies where the central plot is completely dependent on the audience being completely ignorant of extremely basic scientific facts that you would fail elementary school science classes if you didn't know. The average third grader could watch "The Core," and say, "Uhhhh... This is bullshit."
"Welcome to our company's annoying-as-fuck phone menu, where you may speak your choices. Please select from the following options. Track a package, request an invoice, speak to a sales person, or speak to a customer service representative...."
"Track a package."
"Did you say 'Hamster Fish?'"
"No."
*Click-a-click-a-click* "Wecome to the main menu. Please select from the following options. Track a package, request an invoice, speak to a sales person, or speak to a customer service representative...."
"TRACK... A... PACKAGE...."
"Did you say 'Meatberry Cloud Guitar?'"
"NO."
*Click-a-click-a-click* "Wecome to the main menu. Please select from the following---"
"FUCK!"
"Did you say 'Minnesota?'"
"NO!"
*Click-a-click-a-click* "Wecome to the main menu. Please select from the following options. Track a package, request an invoice, speak to a sales person, or speak to a customer service representative...."
"TRACK..... A..... PACKAGE...."
"Did you say 'Algebra Muffin Soup'"
"FUCK!" *click*
People who will never let you finish your extremely interesting anecdote because the first moment you take a breath, they will interject and interrupt you with their own dumbass, mundane anecdote, because they're narcissistic fucktards who are in love with the sound of their own voices.
"And then the CIA agents strapped me to the chair and stuck me with a huge syringe in my neck, and then-"
"Oh my god! Dude! The other day we were at the mall, and you remember that chick Jenny who was dating Mark? She was with Dave, and man, she must have gained at least 10 pounds over the winter!"
All those lame viral videos of people playing ultra-corny songs on orchestral instruments. Oh boy! Guys on cellos playing "The Final Countdown." That was almost as funny as those guys on cellos playing "Barbie Girl." Surely much, much more hilarity awaits us in the future. I can hardly wait for videos of guys on cellos playing "Der Kommissar," "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go," and Van Halen's "Jump," because that would be amazingly clever, original and ironic.
The recent hilarious shift in anti-drug ads. They have finally realized that only a fairly small number of teenagers are dumb enough to dabble in drugs like crystal meth and crack, and stick mostly to drugs like pot, LSD, ecstasy, etc. and hence, statistically, will almost definitely not end up as pregnant, scab-covered, HIV positive meth whores who live with hobos who put cigarettes out on on their faces and sleep in an alley on a soggy piece of cardboard in a puddle within three months of trying drugs for the first time, and they have finally realized that most teens are too smart to buy that "gateway drug" bullshit, and it annoys them to no end that teens can go to school, smoke some pot afterwards, have fun, and then show up on time, and perfectly healthy, to school the next day.
So how have they changed their ads? "Hey, kids! Don't submit to peer pressure! Instead, submit to peer pressure! Instead of your friends thinking you're a pussy for not trying drugs, now in opposite land, your friends think you're a douche for trying drugs!" They finally realized that kids value their friends' opinions, and that not all teens have friends who are just assholes trying to get them to do stupid shit and ruin their lives. Yes, kids value their friends' opinions, often more than the opinions of their square-as-fuck parents. Fucking farout. There is nothing more hilarious than a pencil-necked, upper-middle class advertisement writer trying to relate to modern teenagers.
A teenage guy who looks exactly like an extra from Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" video walks up to his friend, who looks like an Eagle Scout, in the hallway of a high-school.
"Hay, dude! I sure had fun last night! I was so high from smoking that marijuana cigarette that I do not remember what happened. You know, because you can black out from smoking pot."
"Don't you remember anything?" His friend looks annoyed.
"No, man, like I said, I was too busy being high to remember ANYTHING!"
"Have you looked at the internet?"
"Oh, dude! The internet! What did it do?"
"Look over there! Those fellow teenagers are using their cellular phones to look at the bad and embarrassing thing you did on the internet!" The camera shifts focus to show a dozen teenagers in the background looking at the guy, then at their cell phones, then giggling.
"Oh man! How was I to know that the internet would see me doing something bad and embarrassing? I was too high from drugs! What if my girlfriend sees it?"
The girlfriend, who also looks like a Young Republican, and better looking than he could probably realistically get, walks up. "I am breaking up with you, druggie! And don't try to send me a text message on your cellular phone either!" She then walks off in a huff before the guy can say anything.
"Oh no! Dude! What will I do now?"
"Don't ask me, druggie. I am not your friend anymore." He coldly walks away.
"No, dude! C'mon! I couldn't help it! I was high on the internet! I mean pot joint!!"
The camera shifts focus again to the kids looking at their cell phones and laughing, to reinforce that now that he's branded as a druggie, he has nowhere to turn, and that his life in highschool is utterly ruined. The camera shifts back to him, as he makes a face of such utter embarassment, it's as though he was caught fucking a goat and then the act was broadcast live on the jumbotron at the Super Bowl halftime show.
Prudish passive-aggressive assholes who try to take all the wind out of a really good dirty joke by saying, "I don't get it," as though they didn't hear the same perfectly coherent filth that everyone else is laughing at.
Rally retards. People who stand for causes that I support, who speak out publicly and try to look intelligent by using "advanced" vocabulary words, but butcher them and make the whole movement look stupid. Like the news will be covering an anti-war protest, and of course, they single out the one guy who is yelling the loudest to interview. He's full of passion and emotion, but mostly full of his own shit. "We need to communify to the so-called President that we are not going to stand idly by while American troops are in harm's way! This is not negotiatable! We need to find a way to facilify a expeditious withdrawal before we're quagmired in a quagmire! It's impossible to quantate-ify how much irrepair-ible damage Bush has did to this country. I mean, ever since 9/11, Bush has exploitated the situation, and has gave us a belligerous reputation around the world!"
Bands that have very extensive discographies spanning many years and eight to twelve albums that are indistinguishable from each other.
Christians whose understanding of stem cell research is that immoral, unwed sluts who engage in premarital sex and have a total disregard for decency, and have abortions just for kicks about as often as they buy new shoes, as their preferred method of birth control, abort their third trimester babies for money (which they probably spend on drugs), and these babies are then vivisected by soulless scientists, who root through their bodies in search of certain, special cells, as the living babies writhe and scream in pain, and are then thrown, still half-alive, into trashcans. And then these cells are used to make headless human clones, which are harvested for organs.
Of course, if you asked any of these ignoramuses if they knew what a blastocyst was, they would think you were trying to change the subject.
The fact that every time I see Ann Coulter, she's wearing a tank top, strappy dress, or something else designed to show off her neck and shoulders, which sucks because she's built like that screaming guy from Aphex Twin's "Come to Daddy" video.
The recent dumbass trend of using vague "teaser" ads and viral marketing for EVERYTHING. You see a bus drive by. On the side is an ad that is a blank white block that extends the length of the bus, with lower case text that says, "the revolution is coming." There is no mention of what the fuck this actually means, or even what company it's for. Maybe you can figure it out if you carefully examine the tiny copyright information, but the obvious intent is to make you wonder what the fuck it's about. You get on the subway and see another ad, again, all white with lower case text: "are you ready for the revolution?" As you walk down the street, you see stickers on lamp posts and newspaper vending machines that say "viva la revolucion." You turn on the TV, and every commercial break has an ad for it, "are you ready? the revolution is coming april 11th."
And so, April 11th comes, and now the ads on TV and posters are flashy and brightly colored. "THE REVOLUTION HAS ARRIVED! For a limited time, get a FREE small coffee with any Ihop breakfast platter! VIVA LA COFFEE REVOLUCION! AT IHOP!" What? Are you fucking kidding me? Who gives a shit? Fuck you!
Guys who wake up, take a shower, drench themselves in cologne and put on clothes that they think will get them laid, leave the house, try to get laid on the walk to the bus stop, try to get laid by hitting on multiple girls at the bus stop, then get on the bus and try to get laid on the bus. Then they get off the bus, and try to get laid on the one block walk to the subway, then they try to get laid on the subway platform, and then try to get laid on the train. Then they get off the train, and try to get laid on the way to Starbucks, then try to get laid at Starbucks. Then they leave Starbucks and try to get laid on the four block walk to work, then arrive at work and try to get laid. For lunch, they hit the company cafeteria, where they try to get laid, then try to get laid in the elevator on the way back to the office, where they try to get laid. Then they leave work, once again trying to get laid in the elevator on the way down, then try to get laid in the lobby. They walk to the train, trying multiple times to get laid on the way, then try to get laid on the train and bus rides home. On the way home, they stop at Burger King, where they try to get laid. Then they head home, where they take another shower, then drench themselves in cologne again, put on more flamoyant clothes that they think will get them laid, then head out to a bar to try to get laid. On the way to the bar, they don't waste a moment, and spend the entire transit time trying to get laid. Once they get to the bar, of course, they try to get laid, even while waiting in line to get in. Once they get in, they try to get laid, as they consume nearly enough alcohol to go into a coma. They even pester the shit out of the marginally attractive girl bartender, who no doubt fends off advances from hundreds of drunk, horny losers a day. Eventually, they figure out that they aren't getting laid in this bar, so they head to another bar, of course, trying to get laid en route. Then they get to the other bar, where they try to get laid. At this point they're so trashed that even the most vile, undersexed swamp monsters in the place won't talk to them, so they decide to call it a night. They get a cab, and yell out the window at girls on the street to try to get laid. If the cab driver is a woman, they will try to get laid with the cab driver, regardless of her attractiveness, age or weight. The cab drops them off in front of a convenient store a few blocks from their apartment, where they buy cigarettes and try to get laid. They get home and immediately turn on the computer to try to get laid on Myspace and Facebook by sending a whole shitload of girls messages that include a dumbass picture of them trying to look thuggish and pulling their shirt up to show their abs, shot with a digital camera in a bathroom mirror. Then they feel their first pang of shame for the day as they jerk off, because they feel like jerking off is for faggot pussies who can't get laid, and handling your own penis is kinda gay, but the shame is short-lived, as they drift to sleep, reeking of stale cologne, cigarettes, alcohol and sweat, with a twinge of optimism, because tomorrow is a new day, and hey, they might get laid.
The fact that if you're at the bottom of the corporate ladder and show up for work without shaving 30 minutes late a couple of times, you're told to get the fuck out, you're fired! You get nothing! In fact, security will escort you out and we will mail you your personal effects from your desk. YOU MAKE ME SICK! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE! But if you're at the top of the corporate ladder and you get busted using company funds to pay for a mansion where you snort cocaine off the asshole of a thousand dollar an hour hooker as you make such horrible business blunders that the company's stock drops like a stone and costs the shareholders billions of dollars, you are politely asked to step down, but will retain a position on the advisory board, and will keep your personal assistant and driver, and will still have a nice office on the executive floor, and will receive a severance package worth three years pay and stock options, with a total value of about 80 million dollars, which will no doubt only increase by leaps and bounds as someone more competent than yourself takes the reigns and the stock recovers.
Old people and hicks who are still, after all these years, shocked, horrified and pissed off because, "I went to the mall today and there was this girl who had a blue streak in her hair. Like, she dyed part of her hair BLUE! Does she think that's attractive? Oh my God, I couldn't believe it!"
If you tell me that you believe that there is a 10 foot tall invisible minotaur named Hector living in your apartment who travels to the planet Gribuglox every night and brings back with him a large syringe containing millions of microscopic yellow people, which he injects into your bladder as you sleep, and every morning you pee these little people into the toilet, where they travel to the sewer, where trillions of them have gathered underground and are plotting a takeover of the planet, and I ask you why you would believe this ridiculous shit, or what evidence you have of your claims, I'm apparently right to ask, because you're fucking psychotic, but if you tell me that you believe that an invisible man in the sky, who can do anything and knows everything, created the entire universe in 6 days and made the first human out of dirt, and later caused a virgin to give birth to the invisible man's son so that he could be killed, and then resurrected, thus redeeming all humans who accept that he now exists in the form of crackers and wine, from the inherited, and previously unforgivable, blame for the dirt man eating the wrong fruit, so that people can live forever in peace and bliss, as long as they follow this big list of rules and rituals, rather than be condemned to eternal torture, and that the invisible man is at the same time one person and three people, and if I demand the same rationalization as I would for the no more improbable space travelling minotaur, I'm an intolerant bigot who doesn't respect other people's beliefs.
The day after "No Country for Old Men" won its much-deserved Oscar for best picture, I saw a bunch of editorials that were whining about how all of the movies that were nominated for big awards are movies that nobody even goes to see. Well, gee. That might have something to do with the fact that the highest grossing movies of 2007 are all dogshit. Oh, should they have given best picture to "Spiderman 3?" Maybe "Shrek the Third," "Transformers," "Pirates of the Caribbean 3," "Harry Potter 5," or fucking "Alvin and the Chipmunks?" How about "Wild Hogs" or "Rush Hour 3?" All of those grossed much, much higher than any of the nominees. Why? Because Americans have shitty taste in everything. Americans wake up, drive to work while listening to the Bob and Tom show while eating an Egg McMuffin, listen to Rihanna, Linkin Park, Fergie, Nickelback, Kanye West, and Daughtry, read (if they actually read) Harry Potter and Grisham, buy their clothes at Abercrombie and Fitch, Hollister or fucking Walmart, and then go home and watch "American Idol," "Dancing with the Stars," "Survivor," and the "Oprah Winfrey Show." The reason the best movies aren't blockbusters is because Americans have horrible taste. I've realized for a long time that a very effective way of guaging how stupid something is is seeing how popular it becomes in America. Gee, I'm so sorry they gave oscars to movies that are actually good. Maybe you misunderstood the concept of giving awards to things that aren't stupid. I can see where awards shows like the Grammys might confuse you. You can happily sit through the worst dogshit day and night, but when someone wants to put a movie or music album in front of you that has actual substance, you recoil in disgust. It's like you want to eat nothing but Hohos for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You know, an occasional apple wouldn't fucking kill you.
People who post and email clever little "factoids" that are of extremely dubious credibility as though the fact that someone forwarded an email to them, and they forwarded it to me makes it 100% true. "Did you know that brushing your hair while chewing gum for one minute burns 880 calories?" Really? Because running on an elliptical machine as fast as I can for a half an hour until I'm pouring sweat and feel like I'm going to die burns about 90.
People who see that you got a haircut or a new suit or something, and know that you look good, but it would fucking kill them to actually pay you a compliment, so they qualify it with a thinly veiled insult. Like normally you look like a pile of dogshit, but today you actually kind of pulled it off. "Boy, Dave cleans up nice, huh?!"
People who think the most beautiful, exciting, awe-inspiring, exquisite thing ever made by human hands is the F-15 fighter jet.
Fundamentalist Christians who try to explain away discrepancies and impossible scenarios in the Bible by twisting the meaning of what the Bible says.
"Well, when it says the Bible says the Earth was created in six days, God could have made those days millions of years long if he wanted to. So like, the first six days could have been 500 million years long, or whatever." Oh wait, let me check the Bible to see where it said that. Oh wait. I see. You just made it up.
Here's one I found particularly amusing that I read on a creationist website.
"When it says that God brought all the animals before Adam to name them, of course it wouldn't make sense for Adam to name thousands of animals per second for 24 hours solid, so some Biblical scholars concluded that this probably only referred to his livestock and other animals that lived near him, a few hundred animals at most. 'All' does not necessarily mean 'each and every.'" Ummm... THAT IS THE FUCKING DEFINITION OF "ALL," FUCKTARDS! "All" doesn't mean "some," idiots. There is no other way to interpret "all" except as "every fucking one." If I walk into a room with a hundred people in it, and say, "I am going to give you all a red tee shirt with a picture of Ernest Borgnine giving a thumbs up sign with the caption 'Fuck you'," I had better have at least a hundred red tee shirts, or I'm a liar, and fucking nobody is going to buy some bullshit story about how "all" can have different definitions. (Oh, and please, someone make this shirt so I can buy one.)
Look, the only reason to believe in ridiculous shit like creationism is if you believe every word of the Bible. If the only way you can believe every word of the Bible is to twist the meaning of "All," to mean anything other than "All," you're full of shit, and aren't even a fundamentalist anyway, which negates any reason to believe in the fanciful fairy tale accounts of the history of the universe. It isn't bad enough that I live among people who believe dinosaurs never existed, but I have to live among retards who think "All" doesn't mean "All," too?
Those weird moods I get in when I go through Netflix and start checking "Add to queue" willy-nilly, then, a few weeks later, when I've forgotten all about it, I check my mailbox and think, "What the fuck? 'The Postman' with Kevin Costner? WHY?"
Hey, y'all. My name is Skeeter McCray. I live in Paintsville,KY, and ain't never been no more than ten miles away from the place where I was born to my 16 year old parents who were first cousins, and I ain't got no desire to go nowhere, neither, on account of city folk are all either faggots or jews, or faggot jews, and all foreigners are communists. I ain't never went to school since third grade, and that don't hurt me none, because all them people who done stayed in school think they're all high and mighty, and most of em are damn liberals, any-hoo. Besides, ain't nothin' I need to know that ain't in the Bible, which, o'course, I ain't never read, on account of I cain't read, but it don't matter none, because I love Jesus with all my heart, and know that he hates blacks and liberals and faggots as much as I do. A pretty good summary of my knowledge of history is that God created the earth in a week, about 6000 years ago, then Jesus showed up and made a flood that killed all the Moslims, and that the South shall rise again, and that we won the Vietnam War against Hitler. The only thing that comes a close second to how much I love Jesus is how much I love my guns, and I'll be goddamned if any commie liberal is gonna take them away. Of course, I always say my guns is for huntin', but y'all know that I'm just itchin' for some minority to step on my lawn so I can blow him away and claim self defense. I don't know nothin' 'bout the news, 'cept that it's borin', that all liberals are pussy Anti-American commies what want to destroy America, and that if something comes out of the mouth of Bill O'Reilly, it's as true as if Jesus hisself said it. Now, I know that all y'all people what graduated from some high-falootin' university or get yer news from the Guardian UK are probably thinkin' "Dang! This som'bitch is fuggin' ignorant," but you know what? I don't give a shit. You know why? Because I ain't got nothin' to do all day but whittle, shoot squirrels from my front porch, beat my wife and VOTE. That's right, I vote in every election, whether it's to stick creationists on the school board or racists on the city council or to keep a black man from bein' the president. And y'all know what's the funnest part? My vote counts as much as yours. That's right! Y'all might have more degrees than I have teeth, but my vote will always be there to cancel out y'all's vote, so stick that in yer pipe and smoke it, Mister "I got my PHD at Columbia University in political science!" And let's be honest fer a second. Y'all don't actually vote in every election, or maybe not at all, right? HAW! That's what I thought. Well, y'all can just sit back 'n' watch, and me and people like me will be tickled pink to shape public policy. Y'all know that there's a lot more of us than there are of you, and by God, WE VOTE!
Retards who derail meaningful discussions because they don't believe in FACTS, and want people to not talk about ideas that presuppose these facts are true, but instead, to try to prove to them that these facts are true, which is of course futile, because the person believes in something stupid like faith over facts, and regardless of how much irrefutable proof you shove in their face, they will retort with something that could easily be equated to "LAA LAA LAA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
Guy 1: "So some scientists are saying that many dinosaurs that were once thought to be reptilian, might have actually been more birdlike, and maybe even had some feathers and might have been warm-blooded."
Guy 2: "Oh yeah, I was reading about that the other day. It was really interesting when they pointed out the forelimb bones that had the little notches in them like modern birds have that cradle the ends of pinion feathers."
Guy 3: "Pffff! So let me get this straight. You think there were big scary creatures called dinosaurs that were on the earth millions of years before people? HAH! That would be kind of tough, considering the Bible says that humans arrived on the sixth day of the entire universe. How do you explain that, dumbass?"
Just shut the fuck up, retard.
Hicks from some backwater hole in Appalachia where the whole town consists of four mobile homes, a gas station, and a couple of old broken washing machines, one of which now serves as a doghouse, who, when they hear that you want to travel to London (or insert New York, Paris, Munich, Tokyo, or anywhere else that's farther away and more interesting than Ed's Used Tires), their initial reaction is, "What the fuck you wanna go there for?" Oh yeah, and leave ALL THIS?
Dumbasses who lie to you to your face in a way that you are absolutely certain to discover they are lying very quickly and easily.
I see one of my employees in his street clothes clocking out about 45 minutes early. I ask him why he is leaving early. "Oh, I told Scott that I was done with my work and had some things to take care of at home and he said it was ok if I left early." I didn't want to step on the other manager's toes, so I let him go.
A few minutes later, I pass Scott in the hall and ask him if he had given the employee permission to leave. He replied, "Dave came to me and said that YOU told him it was okay for him to go home early, so I said that if you said it was okay, it was okay."
Basically the guy had told us both the same lie. I mean,. I could maybe understand if we were talking about a four year old kid who stole a cookie, but we're talking about a 45 year old man.
People who manage their finances in such a way that if the home office fucks up and sends the Thursday paychecks on Friday or misses two hours of overtime and puts them as back pay for the following week, they turn into Bill Paxton on "Aliens." "What the fuck? Oh my God! How the fuck am I supposed to get by like this? I'm fuckin' DOOMED, MAN! I'm FUCKED! Oh, man! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER!"
Neighbors who either make a shitload of noise all the time and annoy the shit out of you, or neighbors who are constantly annoyed by little noises like you walking around your apartment or running water who apparently sleep or go to work NEVER.
Snobby retards who consider themselves aficionados of comedy, who think that nothing has been funny since the Smothers Brothers.
People who turn fucking everything into a bullshit game of 20 questions.
"Cook that Hot Pocket."
"You want it cooked?"
"Yes."
"Hmmm... That's a Hot Pocket?"
"Yes."
"You want me to cook it?"
"Yes."
"Hmmm... I've never cooked one of these before. How do I cook it?"
"Follow the directions."
"What directions?"
"The directions on the box."
"This box?"
"Yes."
"Hmmmm... It says to place it in the sleeve, place it in the microwave, cook it on high power for 2 minutes, rotate it, then cook it for another 2 minutes, or until hot."
"Yep."
"Hmmm... This goes in the microwave?"
"Yes."
"But it's like a pie. Wouldn't that be better in a conventional oven?"
"No."
"But I think it would be more crispy. Why not give it a try?"
"Because it's not designed that way. Just do it like it says on the box."
"Hmmm... It's got cellophane on it. Do I take that off? They don't mention it in the instructions."
"You couldn't really put it in the sleeve if you didn't."
"But do I then put it back in the cellophane after I put it in the sleeve?"
"No."
"Do I put a certain side up?"
"The sleeve says 'This side up.' Put that side up."
"Does it matter how the pie is set in the sleeve? Like do I put the flat side or the curved side down?"
"Who cares?"
"Uh oh, the ends are sticking out of the ends of the sleeve. Is that okay?"
"It doesn't matter."
"What's the wattage on the microwave?"
"Who gives a shit? It's a Hot Pocket, not braised pheasant. It's going to be a crappy Hot Pocket regardless of how carefully you cook it."
"It says to rotate it after two minutes. How far should I rotate it?"
"It doesn't matter."
"If it didn't matter, why would they says to do it? Should I rotate it 90 degrees? 180?"
"180. Just cook the damn thing."
"It doesn't mention putting the sleeve on a plate or anything. Should I? I think the microwave will get dirty if I don't."
"Sure, use a plate."
"Will it change the cooking time?"
"No."
"Oh, hey. This microwave has a carousel. Do I still need to rotate it?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Do I still cook it for 2 minutes, stop it, then cook it for two more minutes?"
"No, just set it to 4 minutes and leave it in."
"Do I change the cooking time?"
"'....OR UNTIL HOT!' Just cook the fucker."
"I'm going on break soon. Should I get someone else to cook it?"
"NO. Just do it. Goddamn!"
"Okay..... It's bubbling, but it's only been 3 minutes, 45 seconds. Is it done?"
"'OR UNTIL HOT!'"
"You think it's done? It's been 4 minutes now."
"It's done."
"Stop the microwave?"
"Yes."
"Do I take it out?"
"No, you leave it there until the end of time. Of course you take it out."
"Is it hot though?"
"Of course it is."
"Should I like, get an oven mitt or a spatula or something to get it out?"
"Whatever."
"What do I do with the sleeve thing?"
"You save it for your future grandchildren. Throw it away."
"Hmmm.... Isn't it supposed to look like the picture on the box?"
"Hot Pockets never do. It's kind of accepted that it's going to look like a porpoise took a shit in a pie crust."
Here's how the conversation should go.
"Cook that Hot Pocket."
"Okay................ Here you go."
The white balding guy in the crowded airport terminal this morning at 4:45am doing Tai Chi. Welcome to crankyland, bean sprout. You're doing something pretentious for the purpose of being seen, and nobody here is in the mood to look at you, and we sure as fuck don't think you're interesting. Now calm the fuck down before I am overcome by the urge to throw my six dollar coffee at you.
Employers that take forever to deal with even the simplest and most mundane problems.
"Hello, this is Irving Stanwick, head of global distribution at Blah Blah Blah, the leading manufacturer of satellite telecommunications technology... Oh, Hi, Dave. The break room coffee machine is broken? Are you sure? Hmmmm..... Uhhhh..... Ooohhh..... Who would we call to fix it? Maybe building maintenance? Maybe Scott from accounting would know? Hmmm...."
Three Months Later
"Hello, Irving Stanwick. Oh, hi, Dave. The break room coffee machine is broken? Again? Oh, it was never fixed? Uhhhhhhh...... Hmmmmmm.... Did you talk to Judy from H.R.? I think maybe she knows who deals with the coffee machines."
"Thanks for a nation of finks...”
-William S. Burroughs, A Thanksgiving Prayer (1988)
New York City's "If you see something, say something" campaign. In tons of places in NYC, like on subways and buses, there are posters everywhere showing a mosaic of pictures of people's eyes. Under the eyes is text that reads, "There are 16 million eyes in New York City. We're counting on all of them." Below this is a phone number to call if you see "something suspicious," which is vague in the extreme. Of course they mean this will help keep us safe from terrorism, but, of course, none of the attacks on September 11th, 2001 would have been averted or even lessened by everyone in New York glancing suspiciously at everyone else and repeatedly smashing their speed dial, where they had stored the hotline as entry #1. To augment the already overbearing mass of posters everywhere, the subways frequently play an audio recording, vaguely warning to "Be alert to suspicious persons or activities." When I first saw the poster, it immediately reminded me of the dark piercing eyes of Big Brother glaring out from posters and video screens in the John Hurt rendition of "1984." A few years after the initial release and ubiquitous posting of the original "If you see something, say something" posters, they posted a follow-up poster, which no doubt, they intended as a positive, optimistic thing, but made my blood run even a little colder. "Last year, 1944 people saw something and said something." This is supposed to make me feel safer? Nearly 2000 busy-bodies made themselves public snitches and did the police's work for them, just because they saw something "suspicious." Of course, if they had ACTUALLY stopped any real terrorist threat, there is no doubt that it would have been trumpeted all over the national press as a grand success story, a testament to the great value of the surveillance state, where everyone watches everyone, and tells the authorities everything they see that they deem "suspicious." Instead, all we see is the number, which could mean anything. The number might not even be accurate, and might not have any bearing to the improvement of public safety. To quote the photographer who took the picture, "This means there were 1944 people who were terrified for no reason." All it means is, "You are being watched.... by everyone... so watch what you do. You wouldn't want someone to think you're doing something suspicious." I mean, you might be doing something EVIL, like forgetting your shopping bag in the subway, or, (gasp) taking a picture of something on the street. I mean, only a terrorist would do something like walk down the street in a quiet neighborhood by himself... AT NIGHT EVEN. Obviously you're up to no good, plotting the destruction of God, mom and apple pie. Of course, all this snitching is anonymous, which bypasses the 6th Amendment of the Constitution, and as always, fascists instantly equate "people having rights" to "being for the terrorists." (Note the "Fair and Balanced" journalistic integrity of the reporter. In the case in question, a passenger told the flight crew that some people were making him nervous because they were (gasp) muslim on a (gasp) plane, and the police came and took them off the plane, and it turned out they weren't doing shit, so the people sued. "I mean, GOD! What kind of country are we living in if you can't just report someone to the authorities and accuse them of terrorism when they aren't doing a fucking thing wrong without fear of repercussions?") I mean, maybe before they started a program where you can anonymously call a hotline and accuse people of terrorism, they should have remembered that there are some idiots in this country who are fucking hysterical and paranoid who think that everyone who is a darker shade of brown than them or wearing something other than a polo shirt and khakis is probably up to no good. Call me crazy, but I don't want to live in a country where the idea of freedom is being negligibly safer from terrorism because any asshole can point a finger at me and have me waterboarded because they thought I had a funny look in my eye and they got spooked over nothing.
Review sites that are such pussies that they're scared to commit to saying that item A is better than item B. Hey, assholes. You're a review site. That's the whole fucking point. Comparing shit to other shit. They are either scared to give real reviews or are definitely selling something. Like recently I was contemplating changing my cell phone service (Something about the fact that my Sprint phone sometimes will be "roaming" standing right next to City Hall in the most populous city in the fucking US, because Sprint sucks the scabs off a meth whore's cum-encrusted anal sphincter. <--- Honest review). I googled "wireless service reviews." While some of the sites seemed to offer legitimate info, most would go on and on about, "What you want to do is find the carrier that's right for you, and here's a ton of information on every aspect of mobile phone service, but of course, we never name company names show prices or commit to saying that feature A is better than feature B. So basically, we're just creating more homework for you to do before switching phone services, when you actually came here to get your homework done. Blah blah blah, CDMA, blahbitty blah blah, GSM, blah bleee bloo blah, PCS blah blah blah...." Fuck you. ONE IS BETTER THAN THE OTHERS. WHICH ONE IS IT? THAT IS THE ONLY INFORMATION I NEED. Give me ratings, give me user reviews, give me prices. Oh, and YOU CAN TAKE DOWN THAT REVIEW YOU DID IN 2004, ASSHOLES. It's still fucking showing up on Google on the first page when you search for wireless service reviews, as though it's still fucking relevant to anything.
Here's a perfect example. It's December 20th, 2007. What is currently the best videocard available for gaming? "Ahh, well, the new Nvidia blahbitty blah is capable of producing 32 gagillion triangles per second with polyblah blah shading and blah blahbitty mhz frontside bus blah blah blah blahhhh... and of course the new ATI blah blah blah runs at 208 million blah blahs per blah blah blah with a framerate of blah blah blah with a blahbity blah processor for anti-aliasing blah blah blah..... Here, look at some cryptic mathematical graphs that all look pretty much the same and might or might not show pertinent information." YES, BUT WHAT IS THE BEST? I have 600 bucks in my hand and I'm looking for something that runs games better than anything else in that price range. WHAT IS IT? You know the fucking answer. GIVE IT TO ME. STOP BEING SUCH PUSSIES AND GROW A GODDAMN SPINE.
Even though I know it would probably be the shittiest job in the world, I always wanted to work at Home Depot just so I could refer to my boss as the Home Despot.
Guys who act like there's something wrong with you when you see a girl who is physically attractive, but dumb as a box of hair, and you are actually turned off by her stupidity. They say something like, "Whoa, look at that," and then when you qualify your agreement with, "Well, yeah, she's built nice, but she seems kind of doofy," they give you that look like, "What, are you a faggot?" No, but there's only so much enjoyment I can get from fucking someone who is borderline retarded.
Gee, maybe we'll eventually stop fucking for a second and have to actually talk to each other, and I'd rather not have to entertain a conversation that begins with, "I love Christmas trees! They're so purty! When I get my own apartment I'm gonna have ten Christmas trees and I'm gonna leave them up all year long! That way it's like Christmas all the time! And every year I'm gonna get another Christmas tree until the apartment is nothing but Christmas trees! YAY, CHRISTMAS TREES! YAAYYYY!!!'"
People who aren't diabetic who are paranoid about the sugar content of foods with a negligible sugar content.
"Would you like some Shredded Wheat?"
"Oh God no! Do you know how much sugar that has in it?"
"Yeah, enough that you can't even goddamn taste it. I mean, when I eat food that tastes like hay, I think 'boy, this is like eating hay-flavored candy.'"
People who should be pushing mops who are in positions where they need to deal with people.
*Ring, ring*
"Hello, this is blah blah with blah blah company."
"Hello......."
"...... How can I help you?"
"This is security......"
"...... Yes, what can I do for you?"
"There's somebody down here....."
"..... Who is it?"
"There's someone here....."
"....... Yes, who is it?"
"Oh, hold on...... He's making a delivery."
"What is he delivering?"
"Yeah, delivery......"
"WHAT is he delivering?
"He says he has a delivery for blah blah at the blah blah company...."
"Yes, but what is it?"
"Delivery."
"Can you send him up?"
"*Scoff* No....."
"Okay, I'll come down, but what is he delivering? Do I need to bring a cart or something?"
"I dunno. He says he has a delivery."
"But what is it? Is it big? What is he delivering?"
"Can I put you on hold for a second?"
"Okay."
"............... Hello?"
"Hello."
"So are you coming down?"
"What is being delivered? Is it large or heavy?"
"Should I tell the guy you are coming down?"
"Fine! I'll be down there in a second."
I go down and the delivery is a little cake in a shopping bag. For all I knew it could have been a palate of soft drink cases.
The fact that there are a million high security buildings and areas in New York City where a million retarded tourists are constantly debating with a million security guards about, "Can I go inside? But why not? But I just want to see it. But why can't I? I'm not gonna do nothin'. I just wanna see it. Why can't I?" BECAUSE YOU CAN'T, IDIOT! Because it's the United Nations building and MAYBE they don't allow every random retard who feels like it stroll through the front door and start taking pictures, or maybe shoot world leaders in the head, dipshit.
That unclever "Sheeple" thing that I have heard in a million places in the last couple of months. I had heard this before, but now I'm hearing it everywhere from videogames to car advertisements. Of course, retards still think the dumb pun is witty. "See, because sheep follow the flock, and people who follow the flock are, heh-heh, SHEEP-ple, get it? Because they're like SHEEP-PEOPLE, heh-heh. Get it?" The irony is that I'm hearing it from a million angles at once, so who's the fucking sheeple now?
Incomplete or incorrect walk-throughs for videogames. While most games can be figured out by simply paying attention, some games, particularly RPG's, can be completely infuriating unless you get some hints here and there. There's really no way they can expect you to know to randomly trade four cicada shells to the guy hiding in the barrel at G-17 when you can't even see him, and there's a million other people to talk to, and how the fuck are you supposed to know what cicada shells are for, particularly when even if you talk to the barrel guy, he just says something cryptic like, "Boy, I sure would like to help you, but it seems I'm lacking something"? And here all this time you've been throwing them away because they take up inventory space and they sell for only 1 gremf. So you go online, and search for a walkthrough. You hit the first match, and find a walkthrough for missions 1-8 out of 52 missions needed to complete the main story line. THANKS FOR NOTHING, FUCKASS!
The somewhat disappointing truth about presidential approval polls. When President Bush gets a 30% approval rating, that doesn't mean that people think he's doing a 30% job, it means that 30% of Americans still think, "Ya-huh, he doing GOOD GOOD job for America! He is GOOD and SMART. He CHRISTIAN too, what means he is MORAL and GOOD! Also he pertecting us from terrists like Osama bin Saddam, who I think is in the Middle East somewheres in England. That's important, cuz he wanna shoot us with a nuculur bomb cuz he hate freedom. I seen a nuculur bomb once on Terminator 2 and it was scary cuz that lady done turned into a skeleton, and that skeleton was screamin'! Now, if there's one thang I know', it's that I ain't never wanna meet no damn screamin' skeletons, SHIT-FIRE! He GOOD president, doing GOOD GOOD JOB, yea-up!"
People who are WAY too goddamn stupid to be on TV, but are anyway. "I don't think anything predated Christians." "Uhhhh, the Greeks came before them, then the Romans, then Christians." "Jesus came first, before them." EVEN THE GODDAMN BIBLE NEVER SAID NOTHING CAME BEFORE JESUS, RETARD. Mary and Joseph were BC characters. That's What B-C FUCKING MEANS! IT MEANS "BEFORE CHRIST!" EVEN THE MOST DEVOUT CHRISTIANS BELIEVE THAT SHIT HAPPENED BEFORE THE GODDAMN BIRTH OF CHRIST! HOLY FUCK! I Wonder how that job interview went.
"So, what do you think you have to offer? What can you bring to The View?"
"Well, I can speak on a broad range of subjects like DOIIIIIIII and DURRRRRRRHHHH.".
People with some kind of "two soup cans and a string" internet connection that drops all the time who use IM programs. Beefmonkey is online.... 2 minutes later.... Beefmonkey is offline...... 30 seconds later.... Beefmonkey is online.... 5 minutes later..... Beefmonkey is offline.... 30 seconds later.... Beefmonkey is online.... 3 minutes later..... Beefmonkey is offline.....
No, I will not go to some site to give your podcast a five star review even though you take five minutes out of every show to explain how easy it is and how important it is, so shut up about it. Easily over half of podcasts do this, and to me all it is is extra bullshit to fill up iPod space and extra time to download. If I download 12 podcasts, that's an hour of begging for ratings right there. Here's a little common sense... I listen to podcasts... on an iPod... and I don't listen to my iPod unless I'm out and about... and if I'm out and about.... I CAN'T FUCKING GO TO SOME WEBSITE AND VOTE ANYWAY, and when I'm at home, I plug my iPod in to charge, and I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT YOUR PODCAST AT THAT POINT. In fact, there are podcasts I try out and don't like, and I'm not even thinking about it enough to remember to unsubscribe. Sorry to burst your bubble, but your podcast is not the most important thing to happen to me in my day. Stop it. It's stupid.
TV shows that do segments on people with severe physical deformities, and the TV shows are, of course, totally depending on a voyeuristic public to get ratings. They then take the people out in public and play the intolerance card when people stare. "Why are you staring? That's not acceptable." Oh, gee. Why are people staring? Maybe they're never seen a set of siamese triplets joined at the face and are inquisitive, the same fucking reason you made this segment, in hopes that people would be eager to do their inquisitive staring from the comfort of their living room sofas.
People who are 32 chronologically and 14 emotionally.
"Baby In The Well" news stories. Of course, I don't necessarily specifically mean stories about babies stuck in wells. I mean any news story about something dumb and emotional, although truly insignificant on a cosmic scale, that the media goes apeshit over, and then spends weeks covering and distracting the public from all the real bullshit that's going on. Insert "trapped miners," "lost mountain climbers," "Terri Shiavo," "Jon Benet," "OJ," "domestic hostage situation," "armed stand-off," etc. in place of "baby in a well," as applicable. Paris Hilton stubbed her toe. Discuss.
A baby falls down a well. Within minutes, news crews are on the scene. An alert simultaneously flashes across the screen on Fox, MSNBC and CNN, interrupting coverage on the Iraq war. Some asshole graphic designer has already made an elaborate computer animated sequence with dramatic theme music that will flash on the screen before and after every commercial break for the next two weeks. "SAVING BABY CHRISTINE!" All the channels immediately place a box in the upper left hand side of the screen showing a 24 hour a day live video feed from a camera pointed down into the well, which simply shows blackness. Of course, the well-watch cam is not inset during commercial breaks, because beneath the surface the whole purpose behind this hoopla is generating commercial revenue.
Then they bring in a seemingly endless stream of "experts" for their live 24 hour a day coverage. A pediatric nutritionist is brought in to talk about how many days the baby could survive without food. A pediatric orthopedic surgeon is brought in to speculate on the injuries the baby might have sustained from the fall based on nothing but guessing. A geologist is brought in to discuss the kinds of rocks that the well is made of. A well builder talks about the design of the well. A survival specialist is brought in to speculate on how much cooler it would be at the bottom of the well and whether the baby will get hypothermia. The owner of the company that designed the winch that they are using to try to get the baby out comes on to tell all about the winch, and they show lots of CGI and stock footage of the winch being used in various applications. A 21 year old guy who made a short student film about a baby in a well for college credit is brought in to discuss the similarities between his film and the baby in the well. They interview a family whose baby fell in a well a few years ago and caused a media storm, so they can describe what it was like to have their baby stuck in a well. A psychologist is brought in to speculate on the emotional state of the baby. Some random weirdo with a distracting beard is brought in to speculate on the amount and quality of the water at the bottom of the well. Some political pundit asshole is brought in to bitch that the government isn't doing enough to protect America's babies from the scourge of wells. There are copious computer animated diagrams showing the well depth and where the baby might be stuck, but of course, they're all just guessing.
Inevitably, when someone from the local hick police force or EMT or whatever calls a press conference, or whenever anyone does anything to maybe do anything to get the kid out of the well, they immediately cut to that as a NEWS FLASH. "Well it appears that they are setting up some sort of tripod on which to maybe mount a winch. Sarah, do we have any further information on this tripod?" "Yes, John, it appears that they ARE INDEED setting up a tripod of some sort. Whether the tripod will be a mount for a winch or maybe something else, we do not know, uhh, at this time." Four hours pass and the tripod still has nothing mounted to it, but the live coverage continues, complete with "expert" commentary. "So in your expert opinion, what are we looking at?" "Well, it appears to be a tripod.... Hang on, wait a second... one... two..... three.... Yes it is a tripod. A tripod, of course has three legs. If it had four or more legs, we would be looking at something else. I can tell from here that it is most likely made of metal, though what kind of metal I do not know. Ummm... Couldn't we, uhh... just ask the rescuers what's up with the tripod?" "SHUT UP! WE'VE KILLED FOUR HOURS ON THIS THING! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY IPHONE AND GEICO COMMERCIALS WE'VE PLAYED IN THAT TIME? If they just tell us what it is, we'll have to think of something else to talk about! You don't want that, do you?" "No, uhh, of course not... So I'm not sure of the weight capacity of this tripod, so I really can't guess on its suitability to lift Christine out of the well, or maybe...." etc. etc.
Of course, every 20 seconds, they cut away from the talking heads to show the same montage of stock footage of the well and home videos and pictures of the baby OVER AND OVER AND OVER. They also occasionally enlarge the inset well-watch cam to fullscreen so you can get a closer look at pitch blackness. Of course, about once an hour they drag out the poor, distraught parents to talk live to the media about how they are praying and trying to hold onto hope, and they give the bloodthirsty media the ratings-driving prize they want: tears.
A week later the 24 hour coverage is still going on. The well-watch cam box in the corner has been upgraded from a camera that picks up visible light to an infrared camera, so instead of a black rectangle, the rectangle now shows a green doughnut that fades to a pitch black center. The talking heads are still speculating. The tone has shifted to "Who can the family sue if the baby is not recovered alive?" "Mister Politician who is up for election, where do you stand on the move to outlaw all wells?" The talking heads talk, and the montage of the little girl and the well plays again and again.
After two weeks they finally recover the little girl's dead body. It turns out that the baby died in the initial fall and has been dead the whole two weeks. The 24 hour well-watch cam is turned off and is replaced by a repeating loop of people holding candles and bringing flowers to the family's home.
The media gets it's teary-eyed interview with the family, who look like they haven't slept for the entire two weeks. The talking heads keep talking and talking as public interest begins to wane. The media has milked the story dry.
They have managed to keep the public enthralled by a spectacle and keep their sponsors happy for two solid weeks without having to do a shred of real journalistic work.
"Such a tragic end to such a dramatic story. Now we bring you back to Iraq, where political factions are working towards a deal to.... Just a moment. We have just received a news alert that five members of a Boy Scout Troop have become lost in the woods in Washington State!" And the dramatic theme music blasts as an animated CGI logo fills the screen: "THE SEARCH FOR TROOP 168!"
Rich fucks with horrific teeth. Seriously, sometimes you'll see these corporate CEO's and heads of state and their teeth look like they are made entirely of tartar. Like you know you could easily scratch off a big cake of goop off the front of their incisors and squish it out from under your fingernail like a wad of camembert cheese. They appear on your TV screen and you can smell the hallitosis in your living room. Seriously, assholes. You could wipe your asses with hundred dollar bills. How could you let your teeth decay until they look like an ant farm? If I had your money my smile would fucking blind people.
So, I just saw a guy who was wearing an oversized t-shirt down to his knees with Tupac Shakur on the front. He was wearing the standard issue oversized Roca Wear jeans with the waistline at about his mid thighs. These cascaded down and bunched up over his sparklingly brand new white Nikes. His forearms were covered in gangsta looking tattoos. He was smoking and had one of those annoying 2-way radio cell phones, which, of course, he had cranked up to full volume for effect, so we could all hear the lovely "Sups" and "Yo, where you ats." Oh, I might have forgotten to mention, he was an Indian guy wearing a turban. Soooo... You've completely assimilated all the dumbest things in American culture, but kept the one thing that might make sense to lose. Yeah, that makes sense.
Isn't it about time to stop electing people to plan our future who believe that God is going to come down and take all his chosen people bodily to heaven sometime probably before next Tuesday?
Those horrible zits that look like shit and swell and hurt, but never rise close enough to the surface to pop. Like you'll have this big red volcano looking thing on your chest or the back of your neck, and it sticks out far enough that you can easily align your index finger and thumb on it. Then you squeeze and squeeze and then switch to using both your thumbs, and you continue to squeeze harder and harder. You can see a little plasma emerging on the skin, but the thing simply won't pop. You can feel something that feels like a ball bearing deep inside it. You keep squeezing and then you feel the ball bearing crunch. At that point things get a little hazy because you lose consiousness from the pain. When you come to, you look down at your chest and the thing is swelled up like a big red fucking golfball. A month later the thing still hasn't popped, despite many attempts, and you start to feel like it will always be there, like a third nipple.
People who combine their dumb superstitions.
"What if the Star of Bethlehem was really a UFO flown by alien greys?"
"What if your stupidity is contagious?"
Companies with telephone operators who transfer you repeatedly so you have to reexplain your entire problem to multiple people who have no idea what you are calling about.
"Hello, retail services."
"Hello, my name is Joe Blow and I ordered a box of widgets about three weeks ago and I haven't received them yet."
"Do you have your order number?"
"Yes, it's order number 105672."
"Hmmmmm............ Could I put you on hold for a moment?"
"Sure."
A couple of minutes pass.
"Hello, order tracking."
"Uhhh.... Yes, my name is Joe Blow, and I was trying to track my order. I placed an order for some widgets about three weeks ago and I haven't received them yet."
"Do you have your order number?"
"105672."
"Hmmmm........ Were these the three inch widgets?"
"Four inch."
"Hmmm......... Could I put you on hold for a moment?"
"Sure."
A couple of minutes pass.
"Widget development, this is Dave, how can I help you."
"Uhhh.... Sorry, I think they might have sent me to the wrong extension."
"Did you have a problem with widgets?"
"Yes."
"Were these the three or four inch widgets?"
"Four."
"Are they not working?"
"I haven't received my order yet."
"Oh... Sorry, what did you say your name was?"
"Joe Blow."
"Could you hold for a moment?"
"Sure."
A couple of minutes pass.
"Hello, this is customer service. Is this mister Blow?"
"Yes."
"I was told you wanted to place and order for some four inch widgets."
"No, I ordered a box of widgets three weeks ago and have not received them yet."
"Oh, uhhhh... Could you hold for a moment?"
"*Sigh...* Sure."
"Hello, distribution."
"I ordered a box of four inch, not three inch, widgets three weeks ago and I haven't received them. My order number is 105672. DON'T TRANSFER ME!"
Dumb fashion companies that haven't been in style since my childhood that keep hanging on and waiting for that big comeback. Hear me, Reebok? That Rbk shit isn't fooling anyone. What's that, Jordache? Did you say something?
People who randomly add unnecessary words to sentences because they think it makes them sound smarter. I just overheard one side of a phone conversation that made my eye twitch. The lady was using her very best rehearsed sophisticated voice.
"I had emailed her yesterday, and I had asked her to bring pens to the meeting. She had said she would bring them."
If you took every "had" out of that quote, it would be proper English.
People who, when their current course of action proves completely fruitless, continue doing exactly the same thing again and again.
This waiter was using his two-way radio to try to contact another waiter.
"*Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... *Beep* John......... " he said repeatedly in the exact same tone.
Finally, I said, "Just go find him." As I said it, it looked as though he snapped out of a trance.
People who are angry at you for not having information that you truly have no reason to have.
"I wanted to get a price quote for an LCD projector rental for a meeting."
"Sorry, sir. We're the catering company. We don't deal with AV setups. You need to get that price quote from the AV-Media department."
"So you don't know? Psssht! What's their phone number?"
"Uhhh... Hang on, let me look it up for you."
"DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?" Then the phone makes a loud clattering sound as he hangs up with a slam.
People whose default facial expression is as though someone is holding a plate of dog diarrhea under their chin.
People who want you to be on time for something so they ask you to be there WAY earlier than necessary. Like today I was told to arrive at a meeting at 7am. Of course, the meeting was way out in the middle of nowhere, so I had to get up at 3am to make it there on time. When I arrived at 7am they told me to grab some coffee and wait for the meeting to start. The meeting started at 9:30. Fuck you.
Commercials that depict customer service calls as being absolutely no hassle to the absurd extent that even the most optimistic viewer would scoff, "BULLLLLLLLSHIIIIIIT!"
A guy is checking his bank account online and sees a purchase for 2000 dollars that he didn't make. He picks up the phone and calls customer service. The scene cuts to a very attractive girl in a suit wearing a headset in a very clean and organized call center. Everyone in the background is busy gleefully helping other customers. The girl is smiling ear to ear and sounds genuinely happy to hear from the guy. "Thank you for calling Providence Bank. How may I help you today?"
"I believe I may be the victim of credit fraud. There's a charge for 2000 dollars on my account that wasn't me."
"I am sorry to hear that, Mister Smith. We have credited the 2000 dollars to your account."
"But... I didn't even tell you my name. How did you--" The guy hits refresh on his web browser and the $2000 credit shows in his account immediately. "Huh? Uhh, wow! That was easy! Thanks!"
"No problem. Is there anything else I can help you with today? Foot massage, maybe?"
"Sure! Thanks!"
People who are barely even famous who have Wikipedia pages about them that they obviously wrote themselves. Compare the congratulatory fanboy tone and extensive "triva" bits of the previous article to one about someone who is inarguably more well known, admired, and successful, whose career is much more extensive and whose most notable work is a household name and has been enjoyed by millions of people worldwide for over a decade. Oh, and uhh, if your agent wrote it for you, you're still a laughable douche.
That dumbass, predictable "joking but serious" shit when you walk by someone with pizza, beer, liquor, flowers, etc. etc. "Awww! You brought that for me? Why, thank you!"
People who can't adjust to changes in their jobs even when given way more than an adequate adjustment period.
"Agh! I still can't figure out these new expense reports! Why can't they just use the expense reports we had before?"
"Uhhh, they changed the expense report format in 2002."
"Well, the old ones were easier to use."
"Well, tough shit."
Unemployed people who list their employment status as "self-employed."
And the dumbass of the year award goes to...
I ordered some food for delivery. The total was 14 bucks. The delivery driver shows up and I hand him a 20 dollar bill. He asks me if I have anything other than a 20 and says that he has no change. "Really? You have NO change," I ask in disbelief, and he shakes his head.
He stands there with my 20 in his hand looking frustrated and stupid. I could almost hear his meager mental hardware clinking and clanking in his head. His brain apparently couldn't come up with anything reasonable, so he went into "throw up hands" mode. "Well, I don't have any change," he says as I start to get the impression that he's thinking the transaction is complete.
"Well, you aren't getting a six dollar tip." This seemed to have the "splash of cold water" effect and I could see him trying to think again. At this point I was getting really pissed. It was bad enough that it took like an hour for my food to arrive, and now I have Lenny Small on my doorstep who didn't figure that he would need any change. My fucking order is between 10 and 20 dollars. Nearly every ATM gives you 20 dollar bills. That makes the odds of me handing him a 20 dollar bill pretty goddamn high, and he didn't think this would come up? At this point it seems like this could go on all day, and since seeing this guy's dopey face is making me angrier and angrier the longer I look at it, I decide to do something before I haul off and hit him. Punching pizza guys is generally frowned upon, and it's not like he doesn't know where I live.
"Look. Forget it." The words again seem to have a "Snap out of it" effect. "I don't want the pizza anymore. Tell your boss you couldn't make change for me and the customer was annoyed and sent it back."
Finally, this ultimatum seemed to make this guy realize that solutions existed that were outside of just standing there in front of my door looking retarded. "Wait. I'll go get change. Give me the 20 dollars and I'll bring back your change."
"Uhhh, if I give you 20 dollars, you're going to leave and go about your day."
"Uhhhh, okay, I'll take the pizza and go to the bank and get change and come back."
"Uhhh, if that pizza goes with you, after all this, sorry, but I don't think I trust that nothing bad will happen to it before I eat it. Even if you don't do something to it, it will be stone cold."
The guy chuckled a little. I guess I foiled his plot to put his balls on my pizza. "Uhhhhh....."
He was starting to go back into impasse mode, so I presented the solution. "Leave the pizza here. You know where to find me. Go back to your store, get change, come back, and I will pay you." His eyes lit up, as though I had a great solution that he wouldn't have thought of in a million years.
Absurd or unnecessary "because I said so" rules or precautions.
"Whoa! You can't take that cart on the elevator."
"Why not?"
"Well, you could damage the elevator."
"Look. The cart plus what's on it weighs about 100 pounds. I think it's safe so say that's considerably less than you or me. Its wheels are made of rubber, just like the soles of my shoes. Obviously, I know I will get in trouble if I scratch the sides of the elevator, so I promise I won't let the cart touch the sides or door of the elevator. Plus, there's a camera in there if you care to make sure. Also, there's nobody in the elevator, so it would be just me and the cart, with no possibility of bumping into someone else, or having someone else bump the cart and scratch the sides of the elevator."
"It doesn't matter. You can't take that cart in the elevator."
Radio stations that still have "CD" in their jingle or call name. "You're listening to CD 101.5!" OOOOOHHHHH! CD's! They're HI-TECH! It's awesome that you're boasting that you're using 25 year old technology that's on the verge of obsolescence! WOW! You're not just 101.5, you're CD 101.5! Fucking WOOT!
People who go on the subway with a big purse, a tote bag, a back pack, another tote bag, a laptop case, and a rolling carry-on bag with another bag sitting on top of it. Hey asshole, if you need a mobile office, buy a fucking car..
Today I had to use the LIRR train because my job had me working way out in the sticks. The eastbound train was due to arrive at 7:55. I arrived at the station and waited in the ticket line. The bitch in the booth worked as slowly as possible. When I got to the counter, the train was coming into the station. I told her my destination and said I wanted a round trip. She made this stink-face and said, "The next train doesn't get here until 8:36."
I said, "The train is right here NOW."
She says in this ho-hum tone, "Yeah, but you're not going to catch that train."
"I WILL IF YOU GIVE ME MY TICKET."
After some huffing and puffing and ghetto mumbling she gave me my ticket and change and I ran and slipped in the door of the 7:55 train as it was closing. It was too bad I couldn't simultaneously be on the train and telling this dumb bitch off and giving her the one finger salute of "I told you so." To think this bitch had just DECIDED that I was going to be 40 minutes late AND would have to pay the higher "Peak" rate for my ticket when the train I wanted was within reach if she would just stop being retarded. I remember when these fucking ticket tellers bitched and moaned when the MTA started making ATM-like ticket vending machines, saying that they would take away jobs. The only reason I went to the teller instead of the machine was to get, uhhh.... I think in the olden days they called it "service." It's pretty fucking bad when a machine can give me far better service than a person. Would the machine keep me waiting around to hear its opinion on whether I will make the train if I run for it? Fuck you. I hope a machine does take your job. In fact I hope someone makes a machine whose only functions are making your children cry while kicking you in the twat.
More on the LIRR:
This morning my job wanted me to be way out in the the middle of nowhere by 7am. Soooo... I have a choice. Either I can arrive there 43 minutes early, or 51 minutes late. You would think they could have more frequent trains since all the commuters are paying 12 bucks. Oh wait. What am I thinking? The MTA giving halfway decent service for a reasonable price? Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.
People who operate a podcast that consists entirely of other people's music, who go for long periods of time between updates, citing "lack of creative inspiration." Uhhh... The fucking music is there. All you do is pick songs and make a podcast. There's very little demand for your personal creativity. Just fucking do it. If my goal was to make a podcast of various artists' music, I could crank out hundreds of ten song shows, creating play lists much faster than the songs could even be compiled into podcasts. I could even stay within genre and mood constraints. Take your "writer's block" and shove it up your ass. You're just lazy.
While it can make the work day go by faster if you are allowed play music in the office, almost nothing can make the day more agonizing than working in a place where they play shitty music. Try working 9+ hours a day listening to country music. It's enough to make someone go postal.
People who don't understand that there is a lot of gray area between "Go out and have a few drinks with your friends" and "Get so drunk you throw up all over yourself and pass out and have to be taken home by one of your friends an hour after arriving at the bar."
People who spam their MySpace friends list and email address book to "get out the vote" for some candidate who: A.) I have already expressed my disliking of directly to the sender, B.) Is considered to be either a complete douchebag or wing-nut by most people and is only liked by a tiny group of people who are fucked in the heads, and C.) Because of B could never win in a million fucking years... ARE YOU LISTENING, RON PAUL '08 RETARDS? Oh, and for the record, as of October, '07, I'm not supporting anyone for president. There's really nobody but douchebags running, and it's a typical presidential election, like always. You have the Democrats, who seem to always pick their candidates as though they are designed to lose, wholly relying on the misguided "well, at least we're not republicans" strategy that they should have learned doesn't work when Kerry lost to an incumbent whose approval rating was in the 30-40% range, and on the other side you have a geezer actor, a crazy cultist who flip-flops on abortion rights just to get votes, and a former mayor who is the only person on the planet that used 9/11 to enhance his career more than Osama Bin Laden did. I haven't seen a worse spread since Goatse.cx.
Tests and certifications that the government makes you do which are basically just ways to make you waste time and pay money. Like recently I had to take a 15 hour class and take a test to get certified in New York City in food safety. The cost of the class was $108.00. If you run a restaurant and there is not a manager or supervisor on the premises with a food handling certification card, and the Health Department comes to inspect, it is a critical violation with a huge fine, and you run the risk of having your restaurant shut down. So I took the class and test. The stupid thing is that a fucking chimp could pass. The test was 50 questions, and you can miss as many as 15 and pass. Personally, if you miss anywhere close to 15, I want to know what restaurant you work at so I can avoid eating there. The test had maybe 2 or 3 questions where you had to actually remember a number or think for more than half a second. Most of the questions were like this (Actual question from the test.):
The reason chicken must be cooked to an internal temperature of 165 degrees is:
A.) To improve the flavor.
B.) To increase business.
C.) To give the food a pleasant color.
D.) To kill salmonella bacteria which can spread food borne illness.
REALLY? I had to take a class to learn that? Not only is the correct answer obvious, but the question and answer contain the only important information that you might have to remember. It's as though the question is a lesson. Seriously, you could get almost every question right, even if you didn't take the class, if you had an iota of common sense. I got 100% on the test. The guy in front of me missed fucking TEN... And this fuck gets the same card I do. You seriously might as well just have a window where you walk up, pay $108.00, and they give you a card. If that guy missed ten questions on that EASY AS FUCK test, he's gonna fucking kill someone.
People who, when you fuck up, go into this passive aggressive "helpful" mode to thoroughly rub it in.
"Good morning. Do you have that report I need?"
"Aaah! Sorry, I forgot! Give me a few minutes and I'll finish it up."
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, I just forgot, I'm sorry. It shouldn't take long. Just give me a few minutes."
"No, I'm sorry. It might be my fault."
"Huh?"
"I must not have communicated clearly how important that report is."
"No, I understood, I just got caught up in other things and forgot."
"No, I think I need to get more in tune with how to communicate with you. Is there something more that I could do for you so you and I could be more on the same wavelength? Would you like for me to email you assignments in addition to asking you? Maybe I could install a new bulletin board in here to list what reports I need."
"That's not necessary. I was just busy yesterday and forgot."
"No, no. I'm going to call facilities when I get back to my desk to have a bulletin board put in. Would you like for me to put a message on your voicemail too?"
"No, that's not necessary."
"I just want to help you as much as I can."
THANK YOU! I GET IT! I FUCKED UP! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE, ASSHOLE!
People who, when you fuck up, go into this passive aggressive feigned inability to understand how this could happen to thoroughly rub it in.
"Good morning. Do you have that report I need?"
"Aaah! Sorry, I forgot. Give me a few minutes to finish it up."
"You didn't do it?"
"No, sorry."
"But... How did..... Wait, you really didn't do any of it?"
"Sorry, I was busy yesterday and I forgot."
"Wait, wait, wait... I'm trying to wrap my head around this. You knew the report was important, right?"
"Yeah."
"And you didn't do it?"
"I forgot."
"But if you knew it was important, how is it possible to forget about it?"
"I don't know. I just got busy with other stuff and it got put on the back burner."
"But.... I don't understand how you could put it on the back burner if you knew it was important."
Of course, this conversation could go on indefinitely, and these conversations usually will, until you finally say, "THANK YOU! I GET IT! I FUCKED UP! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE, ASSHOLE!"
People who say, "Dammit! I'm fed up with this shit. How am I supposed to get by? I work a shitload of hours, hardly ever see my kids, and my wife works too, and we can still barely pay the bills because the rent, utilities, phone, cable, etc. just go up and up and every year I get my review and they give me a teeny tiny raise that doesn't even begin to cover the increase in the cost of living. I guess I should be happy they give me anything at all, because it's not like my workplace is unionized. And then the cost of healthcare is going through the roof, and there's no way I can afford insurance, and my job doesn't offer me any benefits, and Medicare doesn't cover enough. I've had a bad knee and a really bad cough for years, but I can't possibly support my family if I spend money to get it checked, and if I had to miss any work, we'd be totally screwed. I'm so sick of how corporations have so much power in government. It's like nothing gets done unless some Fortune 500 assholes want it. And of course, I pay way too much in taxes, and those rich fat cats don't pay nearly their fair share! And then there's that goddamn war! The government is spending all it's money on this stupid war that we never should have gotten in, and may never get out of, when we have real problems here at home that need fixing. My brother was supposed to be home from Iraq months ago, but they keep sending him back and extending his tours. If this keeps up, there's going to be a draft, but of course, just like in Vietnam, all those rich assholes will find ways to keep their kids out of harm's way, and it'll be the little guy that gets stepped on again, just like with everything else. I've had it! They'll be hearing my anger in the voting booth this November! That's right! I'm gonna vote.... Republican!"
People who apparently do nothing all day but take FUCKING MEANINGLESS online quizzes and post them on bulletins on Myspace. I have retards that post the results of 6 or 7 quizzes every day on Myspace bulletins and almost always, the questions are completely irrelevant to anything. Do these people think that anyone actually reads that shit?
"1. When was the last time you were in a car?" Today.
2. "Have you ever been to see a movie with anyone on your friends list?" Yes.
3. "What is your third favorite food?" Meatloaf.
4. "Have you ever been to Ohio?" Yes.
5. "What day of the week were you born on?" I dunno! LOL!
6. "Are you good at math?" No.
7. "What color are your mother's eyes?" Blue.
8. "Have you ever gone skydiving?" No.
9. "Where was the best place you ever went on vacation?" The Bahamas.
10. "Do you like apples?" Yes.
11. "Do you believe in reincarnation?" No.
12. "Have you ever eaten Thai food?" Yes.
WOW! I FEEL LIKE I KNOW YOU SO MUCH BETTER NOW! THANK YOU FOR SHARING THESE DEEP AND REVEALING FACTS WITH ME! The only thing I learned is that you're apparently stupid.
People who think they're going to get real change in Congress by reelecting the same douchebags that have been there for 20 years. "Oh boy! I could never live with myself if some conservative took that seat. I'd better elect Joe Lieberman to another term."
You could hear the collective forehead slap as gay rights activists everywhere, who had been working their whole lives to promote acceptance, shouted, "FUUUUUCK!" as all their hard work was nullified in two minutes and eleven seconds.
"CONGRATULATIONS! You have been selected to receive two free iPod Nanos!" FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU!
Invariably, people will occasionally blurt out "fuck" on live TV. A person will say "nigger" or "faggot" or something else that pisses a lot of people off. In steps the media gestapo to make rules and impose fines and bring the hammer down with complete disregard for free speech. Then, self-professed champions of free speech step in and say the dumbest thing they could ever say in hopes of saving free speech. "What's the big deal? They're just words. Words have no power. I mean, why is everyone so angry? Words can't hurt anybody. They're just words, geeez!" Just words? Hey, idiot, words ARE important. Should people have a heart attack and get all self righteous when they hear a word they don't like? Probably not, but words ARE powerful. Words ARE important. Words CAN affect people. Not only is the free exchange of ideas perhaps the most important factor of democracy, but without words, we would probably still be trying to perfect the stone axe. Imagine humanity unable to communicate complex ideas, feelings, instructions. Words aren't just important, they're probably the most important thing to make us something more than chimps with less hair and upper body strength. Using the "They're just words" argument is like trying to defend women's rights by saying, "What's the big deal? They're just women. What could some silly, little women do? You people are getting all worked up over some little, powerless, pathetic women? It's not like anyone is really listening to what they're saying, so who cares?"
By the way, I am definitely not a huge fan of words like "faggot" or "nigger," but I have the foresight enough to know that people who preach freedom are contradicting themselves when they would limit what people can say and think. Freedom is the freedom to say cunt, shit, asshole, fuck, tits, motherfucker, cock, etc. etc. etc. as well as the freedom to say, well, you know... the N word and the F-a-g-g-o-t word too. Oh, and, uhh, this trend of making celebrities who say or do things that offend your delicate sensibilities apologize and go to rehab and sensitivity training is getting pretty fucking absurd. Every day some famous retard calls someone something, and then has to do Al Sharpton-supervised community outreach and go to counseling, and it's getting pretty goddamn tedious.
People with ridiculously outdated political views. "You know, this country has been in a real downward spiral since they gave women the right to vote." Shut up, retard.
Spammers who use some name in the "from" field that is HIGHLY unlikely. I mean, okay, you're from China, and maybe the only American TV you get is soap operas where they name people ridiculous shit like "Drake," and "Hunter," but let me throw you a tip. These names are uncommon enough that when I see them in my in-box, I know you're full of shit. *DELETE* Let's see here. Currently in my in-box are emails from Meehan Tera, Walker Coulson, Holden Griggs, Lake Colbert, Corty Hargrove and Aileen Bradshame. *Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, and delete.* Oh, and uh, sending me emails with "Important security issue with your Bank of America account," or "Please acknowledge" or "Urgent" as the subject.... *Delete, delete, delete, delete.* Fuck you retards.
Many videogames give NPC's lines of dialogue to say and motions to do to make the game more interesting and realistic. Like in Stalker and Bioshock, friendly and enemy NPC's all have little blurbs of banter and talk to each other and stuff. I can understand that if you have four guys sitting around a campfire, they're probably going to be talking about stuff. The downside is, after a few hours of gameplay, and these games take MANY hours of gameplay to accomplish anything, you will be done hearing new banter. The guy sitting at the campfire 20 feet from the start of the game is saying the same shit as the guy sitting at the bar 2 miles away and the guy sitting at the campfire 10 miles away. "Let's drink to him once more. He was a good stalker." Just shut up.
People who sell things on Ebay that they don't really understand.
"Makintosh Ipod. This is the thing that you use to hook up to your computer that plays youtubes or myspaces. It is white on one side and silver on the other. It has an internet screen on the front for looking at internets. There is some kind of hole on the bottom that I think is used to hook up an antenna. Right now it has an internet on it that you can listen to of Jethro Tull, but I think it has room for more internets. I am getting rid of it because I am tired of Jethro Tull and want to get a new Makintosh with other internets on it. Right now the batteries are dead so you will need to get new batteries. I think it takes AAA batteries, but I can't find the little door to insert them. This might be that Ipod with the phone, but I'm not sure. I got it from a guy in Ohio in 2004. Maybe the guy I got it from in Ohio could tell if it has the phone. I think that the rectangular hole on the bottom might be the antenna hole and the hole you talk in, but I don't see an ear hole.
Auction starts at $750 USD. 0 bids.
People who have been doing their job for a long time, and have been doing it wrong the whole time, who won't listen to a fucking thing about how to do it correctly, because, "Hey, I've been waiting tables for the past 15 years. I think I know what I'm doing here. I preset the milk, sugar, and coffee cups before the people arrive, so they have no idea how long the milk has been sitting out. The clients sit down. I give them the salad. When they're done with the salad, I bring around the main course. They got a choice of beef or fish, so I carry as many of each as I possibly can without dropping them. They tell me which they want and I set it down. Once all the entrees are down, I come around and give the people wine, ice water and bread. Then I come around and give steak knives to all the people that got beef. When the people are done with the main course, I roll this horrible, banged-up stainless steel utility cart into the room with all the dessert, and pick their plate up with one hand and serve dessert with the other. I have bus tubs on the cart and I stick the dirty dinner plates in there as I take desserts off. Once everyone has dessert, I go with coffee. I mean, that's the way I done it for 15 years. Now you come in here and start telling me to take people's orders at the start and serve them water and bread and wine from the start and set down steak knives after I clear the salad and set down coffee cups, creamers and sugars after I cleared the main course and to only carry two plates at a time and to wait until all the whole table is cleared from one course to start serving the next course, and to keep the filthy bus cart out of sight, and to serve from the left and clear from the right... I mean, 15 years I've been doing this, and there's never been no problems. Why you wanna come in here and change stuff around? Have YOU been a waiter for 15 years?"
There are two types of people who own samurai swords. Samurais and man-boy cosplay nerds who have a few screws loose and haven't been laid since the first Iraq war. There is a very simple test to determine which you are. Are you an aristocratic warrior swordsman from feudal Japan? No? Then you're not a samurai.
Ummmm... yeah, I think I rest my case. HOLY SHIT! THAT GUY ON THE LEFT WITH THE BEADY EYES JUST KILLED A BOX! That will be an incredibly important skill if he is ever attacked by boxes, or maybe it will help him unbox canned peas faster at his job as a grocery stocker. Awww, I shouldn't make fun. This guy is obviously deeply into eastern culture, as demonstrated by his artfully displayed Bhuddist beads, Yinyang-emblazoned Levis jacket, incense thingee which he apparently bought some little Pier One table thing to display, red cloth and shelf that he bought at Walmart, plug-in candle and picture of the Dalai Lama that he printed on his Canon Bubble-jet. The top right picture is fun too. We have a tubby Chun Li and the guy who runs the comic shop on The Simpsons making their best serious faces as they are imagining they are slaying Sephiroth. The guy in the lower right is itching for someone to offer him a Red Pill, and the guy in the bottom center is taking a short break from crying to take one last webcam pic with his left hand just before he commits seppuku. (Side note: Remember what I said before about button-down black shirts.) Here, Pugsly McGetsnone takes a break from pissing off his parents with Insane Clown Posse to record his pre-highschool rampage video manifesto. That's not a hoodie, it's a ninja invisibility cloak.
Of course, there will be these idiots who read this and say, "But wait! I took classes. I actually know how to USE a katana." Uhhh, WHO GIVES A SHIT? It's not like this is a practical or worthwhile skill to have. It's not like that gives you some license to walk around town with a katana on a sword belt in case anyone tries to start shit with you. The only accounts I've seen of people out in public with katanas are videos on youtube of crazy guys on PCP getting tasered and pepper sprayed by the cops. The title is usually something like "Crazy sword guy" or something.
Dentures that look so white and "perfect" that it looks like the person is wearing a boxing mouthguard. The idea is to look like you have teeth, not that you're Jim Carrey in "The Mask."
People who vote for a politician based on their support for some pet cause, regardless of disagreeing with them on most other things they stand for. "Hmmm - this candidate is Pro-Nafta... which I'm against, against abortion, and I'm pro-choice, for the War in Iraq, which I'm against, for deporting all immigrants, which I'm against, pro-death penalty, which I'm against, obvioulsy pro-big business/upper class, and I think that's unfair, against stem cell research, which I am for, pro-nuclear buildup, and I think we should at least partially disarm, against universal healthcare, which I'm for, against strict pollution regulations, and I'm an environmentalist, for blurring the line between church and state, which I'm against, for creationism in schools, which I think is ridiculous, for censorship of media, which I'm against, has been in the Senate for 24 years, and has a voting record that I would strongly disagree with 95%... oh, but wait... He wants to have the FDA regulate organic food to make sure it meets certain criteria before it can be labelled organic. As an organic-only vegan, that sounds pretty cool to me. This guy is getting my vote come November!"
Ear hair on the loose. As men age, often they start growing hair in weird places. It's sad, but true, and while it's a fact of life, that doesn't mean nothing should be done about it. I mean really, how do you expect people not to think it's gross that you have more thick, wire-like hair growing out of each of your ears than I have growing in both of my armpits and crotch combined. This morning I was on the train with this guy who kept staring at me, who I was about to ask to stop, when I noticed that the rims of his ears had black hair all over them. Who the fuck are YOU staring at, asshole? Your ear has a fucking mustache!
People on myspace who have a band that occasionally plays in a bar in Portland, Oregon who add me as a friend. I think, "Hmmm... Maybe they liked my website, or maybe they saw my musical tastes and have a CD that I would like that they're trying to get exposure for." So I OK the friend request, and then get daily bulletins about some show they're doing in Portland two weeks from now.
Chefs who became chefs seemingly so they can find as many ways as possible to serve people goat cheese.
Okay. We fucking get it. You like goat cheese. That doesn't mean you plan a dinner and start with an hors d'oeuvres of goat cheese in phyllo and tomato and goat cheese bruschette and a cheese board featuring goat cheese, appetizer of smoked goat cheese with artichokes, salad of mixed greens with balsamic vinaigrette with crumbled goat cheese, and for main course have a choice of sturgeon with asparagus and goat cheese or filet mignon with melted goat cheese, and for dessert a goat cheesecake. DUDE! LEAVE THE GOAT'S TITS ALONE FOR A FUCKING MINUTE! PLEASE!
Workplaces where it would be unrealistic to assume that you are not visible to a security camera anywhere you go. Let's be honest. Noses need picking sometimes
Computer techs who act like you're retarded when they don't even know the problem.
Today I came to work and had no network connectivity on my work computer. I called IT and got this guy who sounded really irritable.
"My network connection isn't working."
"Well what is it doing?"
"What do you mean? I can't connect to the network or the internet."
"*Loud sigh* Well what were you doing that made it disconnect?"
"Nothing. When I left last night it was working, and this morning I logged on and it wasn't."
"*Loud sigh* Did you kick the network cable out or something?"
"No."
"Okay, bring up a command prompt."
"Okay."
"Type ipconfig /release"
"Done."
"Okay now reboot."
"Okay." The system reboots.
"You have a network connection?"
"No."
"*Loud sigh*"
He has me do a lot of things in the system settings and in the command prompt. I rebooted a couple times. I followed all his instructions exactly. After trying a few things, he was getting more and more perturbed. He had me repeat most of these things a few times, instructing me to repeat his instructions back to him to ensure that I'm not a moron and am following his instructions correctly. Basically, to him, the fact that he told me a few things to do, and still can't connect means that I was too stupid to correctly follow his instructions.
"*Loud sigh* I guess I'll come down there and look at it. *loud sigh* I'll be down there in... *loud sigh* about 30 minutes. *loud sigh*"
He comes down and starts fiddling with things. The first thing he tries is the same thing he had me do a couple of times, and guess what. NO CONNECTION.
So a couple of hours have passed and he's got his supervisor here as well. They have cable testers and laptops and have made about a dozen phone calls. He's looking more and more aggravated all the time. Soooo.... I guess it wasn't such a simple problem , and I guess I'm not the retard you thought I was.
People who tell people that they look like a certain celebrity, as though it's such a great compliment. Even if the celebrity in question is attractive, unless the person has self esteem issues, they probably don't want to hear that they look like someone else. "Hey, you look like Christina Aguilera!" What if the girl hates Christina Aguilera for whatever reason? What if the girl considers herself more attractive than Christina Aguilera?
What's worse is when the celebrity is unattractive. "Dude! You know who you look like? Gary Busey!" Don't fucking tell someone that shit. Nobody wants to look like Gary Busey. Fucking Gary Busey doesn't want to look like Gary Busey.
Timid mergers. You're on the on-ramp for a highway. Traffic on the highway is moving at 65-70 miles an hour. Obviously the best way to merge into this traffic is to come to a complete stop at the end of the ramp.
The Prime Minister of Vietnam is named Tan Dung..... GRAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!
I'm not sure what everyone else is eating, but am I the only person who isn't having noisy, gassy, splattering diarrhea in public restrooms that stinks so badly that people have to flee the area before they puke? Seriously, it seems like every time I'm in a public restroom I hear this, "Spit... sputter.... BRACKITA BRACKITA BRACKITA..... sputter..... BRAP...... drip...... BRACKITA BRAP...... "
People who give you gifts that are seriously way too over the top. "Hey! Merry Christmas, guy I hang out with every once in a while! Here's your gift, a 25 dollar gift certificate at Virgin Records. Oh, you brought me a gift? Ohhhh.... A uhhh... mountain bike.... Thhhanks."
Organ donation. Don't get me wrong. I know sick people need organs, but what pisses me off is something I think is pretty simple. I sign my organ donor card. I die. They take my organs FOR FREE. They then charge patients $250,000 for a kidney, $350,000 for a lung, $350,000 for a pancreas, $900,000 for intestines, $450,000 for a liver, $500,000 for a heart... So from my body alone, the medical industry stands to make millions of dollars with organs they got FOR FREE. Millions of dollars for them, not a penny for me or my family, and they couldn't even do it at all without donors. Sorry, sick people, but fuck you, greedy medical money-grubbers.
If your main source of income absolutely depends on Myspace, and you don't actually work for Myspace, uhhh... Get a job.
Guys that use retarded "tough guy" banter that sounds forced and stilted and just makes them seem staggeringly stupid and weird. There's this guy I work with who most of the people I work with think is most likely in the closet, despite his frequent assertions that he's a real ladies' man. This guy has all the machismo of Guy Smiley. We're leaving work one night and despite being mid-September, the weather was nice and warm and clear, with a slight cool breeze. He notices the weather, and says, at a volume that could probably be heard across the street, "Holy FUCK, it's nice out! I need a BITCH right now! I need a BITCH right here so I can FUCK her!" Congratulations. You're still gay, but now you seem even gayer and definitely dumber.
Karate, tae kwon do, etc classes that people join primarily to learn self defense, where they mostly teach you how to do flips and splits and break balsa wood boards that are held up over your head and scream "KEEE-YAAAAAAAHHH!" Yeah, that's really practical. How about teaching me how to kick some drunk lummox's ass who decides to start some shit because he thinks I looked at him funny? I think at this point I should state the obvious. I think one of the keys to getting in a fight without getting arrested, is not drawing attention by shrieking "KEEE-YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" as loudly as I can. Ever watch UFC? I think it would be kind of a dumb argument to claim that these guys aren't fighting well. Do you see any of them doing backflip kicks and breaking little boards that are suspended over their heads as they cry, "KEEEE-YAAAAAAAHHH"? No? Why is that, do you suppose?
Acne "cover-up" cream. Great. Now instead of looking like you have a big, juicy zit, now you look like you have a big, juicy zit with some weird orange stucco on it.
The way they made the Transformers in the Transformers Movie look like they were made of ten million moving parts, the largest of which being the size of a pencil.
Evangelical Christians who think that being gay is a choice, a perversion, a mental illness, but feigning a siezure as you roll your eyes back in your head and call out, "ZAMBAALA JOALICAMBOOZOO AALANICAMBAALICJOOMAACIBAALALALALALAAAA!" is completely natural, a blessing and beyond one's control. "What? That's totally normal. God does that to you. It's speaking in tongues. It's not like you're doing it yourself. But, wow! For people to say that being attracted to members of the same sex is natural? Now that's just perverted, right there! I mean, I know many homosexuals claim they knew they were gay since early childhood, and it's a fairly widespread phenomenon among upper primates, but WOW! Why are all those four year olds and chimps choosing to defy God's law? Oh, wait! God is speaking to me again! CHIMICHANGA AFRIKAABAMBAATAA SHANAANAA MECCA LECCA HI MECCA HINEY HO!"
As you might imagine, living in New York City exposes me to a wide range of cultures, which by and large is a very good thing. However, there is something that I would like to address. There are some cultures in which body odor doesn't even show up on the radar as far as things to worry about. They simply don't give a shit. They could have BO that could knock you out, and they are like, "What's the problem?" Then there are other cultures that deal with the problem not by practicing good hygiene, but by covering the smell up. Let me be an ambassador to help make your stay in the US a more pleasant one for both of us. Below are some schedules to help you recognize habits and improve upon them.
CORRECT:
Monday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Tuesday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Wednesday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Thursday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Friday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Saturday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
Sunday: Wake up. Take a shower, wash your armpits with deodorant soap, dry off, apply deodorant to your armpits, proceed with your daily tasks.
INCORRECT:
Monday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Tuesday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Wednesday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Thursday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Friday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Saturday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
Sunday: Wake up. Proceed with your daily tasks.
INCORRECT:
Monday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Proceed with your daily tasks as people try to distance themselves from you.
Tuesday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Proceed with your daily tasks as people within a 20 foot radius clutch their noses as their sinuses burn as though they just snarfed kerosene.
Wednesday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Proceed with your daily tasks. Proceed to your boss's office for a very awkward meeting that he absolutely doesn't want to have to do, but is basically obligated to because all your coworkers demand that he say something to you about your reek.
Thursday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Proceed with your daily tasks as nobody without a hazmat suit can come near you without choking.
Friday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Proceed with your daily tasks as birds fall out of the sky at your passing.
Saturday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Wonder why all your neighbors are moving out.
Sunday: Wake up. Apply very strong perfume. Turn on the TV and see that the police are investigating a possible hazardous chemical leak which just happens to be centered around your current location.
People who have bad breath that you can smell from six feet away. It's one thing if I'm close enough to shake your hand and notice that you had something with garlic for lunch, but some people just walk in the room and you swear they must have a dead rancid raccoon stuck in their throat.
That moment when you pour cereal in a bowl, then you pour milk over it, and then realize that you only have enough milk to slightly dampen the cereal. So now you either have to throw it away, which sucks because you bought the cereal and you're hungry, or you have to grind your teeth through an utterly unenjoyable breakfast.
People who try to play off their scientific ignorance as being open-minded.
"Is the earth round or flat?"
"Hmmm, you know... That's a very interesting question. I suppose the answer to that question is largely a matter of perspective."
"It was an either-or question with a correct answer."
"I understand that, but I don't think it's fair to rule out all possibilities. I mean, you might say it's round, and you could present evidence to that effect. On the other hand, there might be a body of evidence to support it being flat."
"Ummm... It's round. There's no credible evidence to support it being flat."
"Well you say that now, but certainly in the past there were scientists who believed that it was flat, if that was the common knowledge of their era. Also, the Bible says the world is flat."
"Yes, but they were wrong. It's round. Them thinking it was flat isn't a matter of perspective, it's attributable to their ignorance."
"I can see where you're coming from, but I think you have to look at the question from many angles."
"It's round. The end. Now, if you want to believe it's flat, please, PLEASE find the edge, and jump off it."
Not really something to be destroyed, but definitely something that makes me feel funny... What's the deal with certain restaurants where I am the thinnest guy there? I mean, at 225 pounds, I am no bean pole, but what the fuck? It seriously makes me have the feeling that I shouldn't be eating there, so I don't suffer the same fate. I've been to Boston Market a few times, and I go to Popeye's every once in a while, and it's as though nobody eats there except fat fucks. I just had lunch at Popeye's and while I was in line, this whole family of jello trolls came in and took over the whole fucking restaurant. From what I could guess, there were two husbands, two wives, another lady, and five kids, and there wasn't one of them who wasn't morbidly obese. There was a 12 year old girl in the bunch who could definitely kick my ass in tug of war. One of the husbands waddled up to the counter and ordered for everyone, so they could all sit down and huff and puff from exhaustion from dragging their ponderous asses to Popeye's all the way from Burger King a block away. The woman sitting across from me had boobs that looked like she was hiding an elephant seal in her shirt..
The retarded doublethink that conservatives do to justify why we need to stay in Iraq indefinitely. For months we heard that Bush was waiting until he heard the progress report in September by General Petraeus to Congress before he decided how many troops should stay in Iraq, and for how long. GEE! SURELY A LOYAL GENERAL WOULD NEVER, OHH, LIE, OR, OHHHH, HAND-PICK DETAILS LIKE A MOUTHPIECE FOR THE WHITEHOUSE TO SIMPLY DO WHAT BUSH WANTS OR ANYTHING!
Then later, (doublethink) we were told that Petraeus was going to deliver the report not to Congress, but to the White House, (doublethink) and that the White House would then take his findings and then THEY would present a report to Congress, and that this was ALWAYS the plan, and that the White House would then issue the report. NOOOO, Nothing suspicious about that!
Of course, we all knew that the contents of the report would be irrelevant. Regardless of the general's assessment, we would end up doing what Bush wants.
Suppose the report sees the war through rose-colored glasses.
"Everything is great here. We're making promising progress, and signs of stability are popping up all over, just like those lovely bustling markets (which were pretty much photo-op props) that McCain and Katie Couric visited."
Solution:
"Well obviously if we start pulling troops out, we will lose all these wonderful gains we've made. To pull out would ensure that the budding democracy here will fail. The continued stability of this region requires an extended US military presence or things will plunge back into chaos, and all our hard work would be a waste, and all the people who gave their lives for this would have done so in vain! Don't you support the troops?"
Suppose the report says things are a mess.
"This is a nation on the brink of a full-blown civil war, and has become the greatest recruiting ground for new terrorists. Al Qaida is here in force and are killing people every day."
Solution:
"This is the central front in the war on terror. To pull out now would only show our enemy that we are weak, and that the American people do not have the resolve to fight the long fight necessary to defeat them, also, leaving would remove any safeguard against the civil war that is teetering on the brink and threatens the stability, not only of Iraq, but the entire Middle East. We would be fools to pull out and let this happen! To pull out would ensure that Iraq becomes a new nation of terrorists who would stop at nothing to hurt Americans. Nothing stands against this chaos except the brave men and women serving there. Don't you support the troops?"
So then, yesterday, Petraeus gave his report to a highly skeptical Congress. His conclusion: We are making amazing strides and meeting goals, AND (doublethink) it's a complete mess with no obvious solution but one... WE NEED TO KEEP AMERICAN TROOPS IN IRAQ MUCH, MUCH LONGER!
Very important news article on MSNBC on 8/31/07: "Mormons: IS POLYGAMY IN THE AFTERLIFE OK?" Holy fucking fuck. WOW! No doubt this amazing journalism will win a fucking Pulitzer. THIS IS IMPORTANT NEWS!
People who read some shit in some magazine or something and try to twist the meaning to justify their own dumbass behavior.
"I read that drinking beer is good for your kidneys."
"Yeah. Drinking A beer is good for your kidneys. Drinking beer until you throw up and pass out every night is NOT healthy."
Organic, natural or healthy products that are advertised in a way that focuses entirely on, "Wow! I can't believe it doesn't even taste like twigs, tree bark and moss!" And you fucks wonder why I have a Whopper and a Pepsi for lunch.
Closeted gay Christians. Uhhhh, you're gay. Big whoop. Just be gay. You've been sold a dumb idea from Opposite Land. They tell you being gay is a decision you can make. Fuck that. Being gay is a natural phenomenon. Being a Christian is a choice. Be yourself.
Openly gay Christians. Maybe it's just me, but when I'm thinking of joining an organization or movement, I check to make sure they don't specifically say they stand against everything I'm about and want to destroy me. You espouse a belief system that seeks to stone you to death and send you to hell. Why would you do that? The Bible is pretty explicit when it comes to how "God" wants gays dealt with. There aren't any good endings for gays in that Choose Your Own Adventure Book.
Openly gay conservatives. See above.
Americans who still have no grasp whatsoever of the metric system. I mean, I know we eat Quarter Pounders and buy gallons of milk, but there's truly no excuse for having no concept at all. I mean, say what you will. The rest of the civilized world uses this scale. It might make sense to at least have a fucking clue. "A kilogram? Uhhhh.... That's kinda like 900 pounds, right?"
What's even dumber is when people don't get it when the metric amount is right on the package of something. Like for my job, one of the things I need to purchase is Pellegrino water. This has the metric amount right on the fucking bottle, and does not have the imperial amount. It comes in liter, half liter, and 250 milliliter bottles. My purveyor has no idea what to make of this.
"I need a case of Pellegrino in 250ml bottles."
"Uhhhh.... What's that?"
"The little 250ml bottles."
"Is that 16oz? 12oz? What?"
"It's like eight and a half ounces."
"Oh, because I didn't know."
"It's the one with the two five zero on the box."
Stiff, unsupportive, judgmental, denigrating, shame implanting parents who, when you somehow grow into a balanced, sane adult who isn't addicted to antidepressant medication see themselves as having been the "cool rock'n'roll" kind of parents who were open and related well to their kids and were behind them every step of the way.
Security guards who act like a robot with an erased memory when you forget your ID. Every morning when you show up to work, "Hey, g'morning, Steve. you catch that 49ers game over the weekend? That was brutal! Okay, well have a good day. Catch you later. I'll be bumming a cigarette later! Ha-hah!"
Then one morning you show up to work, and just as you get to the security checkpoint you realize that you forgot your ID card. You walk up to the same guard who was so chummy yesterday to explain.
"Good morning, sir. How can I help you? Lost ID? Hmmmm...." He squints at you suspiciously as though you have an oil barrel full of anthrax tied to your back with big red letters that say, 'WARNING: ANTHRAX!' "Hmmmmm.... Hang on. Let me call my supervisor," like he's never laid eyes on you before.
Adults who can't grasp kindergarten level math. I just overheard two middle aged security guards arguing over how long one of them had been working there.
"So you've been working here almost 10 years."
"I was thinking almost 9."
"Well when did you start?"
"January of 1998."
"Well it's almost 2008, so that's 10 years."
"Yeah, but like, you start at zero."
"Yeah, but you've been here for nearly ten years."
"No, but when you first start, that doesn't count as one."
In the time it took me to swipe my ID, empty all my pockets and put all my phones, cameras, etc. through the x-ray machine, walk through the metal detector, collect my things on the other side, reinsert all the correct phones and cameras in the right cases, put the things back in my pockets, hit the elevator button, wait for the elevator, get in and press the button, they were still no closer to an agreement.
Churches that credit themselves as being open minded and inclusive because they will take anyone of any religion or background and convert them so they're just like them.
"Most beautiful people" lists in magazines and on TV that include Queen Latifa. Okay, so you're trying to be nice or inclusive or whatever, but no. She isn't. I mean, if I'm just some out-of-shape balding gamer nerd from Kentucky, and I have fucked better looking girls, no, she doesn't get to be on a "most beautiful" list unless it's like a list of "most beautiful people who happen to be standing in this room at the moment," and it's not a very heavily populated room. I'm not really just trying to rip on Queen Latifa, but she has this weird tendency to keep turning up on these lists, and I DO NOT GET IT.
Popular music stations that try to sneak in a country song here and there. Uhhh.... Nobody wants to hear that shit. If they did, they'd be listening to the country station.
People who want to pretend they're interested in your personal life who forget important painful things that you have told them previously, which they would have fucking remembered if they actually cared.
"Oh, hey. How's Sarah?"
"I don't know."
"You don't see much of each other lately?"
"Nope. Not since she dumped me a couple months ago. You knew that."
"Oh. That's too bad. She was nice."
"Yes, she was."
"And pretty."
"Yeah..."
People who name their kids FOR REAL Biblical names. Of course names like Paul and Michael and David are pretty standard at this point, but you can take your Solomon and Zachariah and Jebidiah and stuff them up your asses.
People who assume everyone around them is a christian. Like I was having a conversation with this lady I work with about a difficult customer we have. Basically, she's one of these customers where nothing will please her. When she says jump, you jump twice as high as the world record, and she's annoyed that you didn't try hard enough.
"Well, some people just seem to want to have something to complain about," I say. (Yes, I am aware of the extreme irony of me saying this. Shut up.)
"She must have DEMONS."
"I was just going to say she was a bitch, but whatever."
"No, I mean, there are real invisible demons that torment people and make them act crazy."
I do my best polite smile.
"You agree, no?"
"Actually, not really."
"But you're a Christian," she says with the same presumtuous confidence as if she had said, "But you breathe air."
"Nah."
"Yeah, but you believe in God," she reinforces with the same tone.
Still trying to hold my polite smile, "Not really."
"Well whatever you want to call it, you do believe in some ultimate power out there."
"Mmmm, no I don't."
She then continued talking about demons and Jesus in this completely matter of fact tone, like I really did follow the same religion as her, but just wasn't being forthcoming about it.
In reference to the specific complainer above, I was filling in for the corporate cafe manager who was on vacation. I had worked there before on occasion, so the staff and the clients recognized me as a manager. It was my first day filling in for his absence, so anything there was what was already ordered by the manager. Anything NOT there, I would have to order myself for the next day, and explain the concept of "tough shit" to anyone who wanted something that was not there. So I'm walking to the cashier area to see if they need any change or whatever, and this bitch comes up to me in a fury.
"YOUR COMPANY SUCKS! YOU NEVER HAVE ANYTHING I WANT! IT'S REALLY THE PITS! I WANT THE OLD CONTRACTOR BACK IN HERE BECAUSE YOUR COMPANY STINKS!"
"Uhhh, what was it you were looking for?"
"ALL YOU HAVE HERE IS THIS STUPID KID CEREAL AND I WANT CHEERIOS AND YOU NEVER HAVE THEM!"
I look at the cereal rack for literally half a second, I calmly reach over, take a package of Cheerios off the rack, and hand it to the bitch.
"Well.... WELL IT'S NOT JUST THAT! THIS PLACE HAS TOTALLY GONE DOWN THE TUBES AND BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH..."
People who are conservative not because they believe in limited government power and frugal fiscal spending, but because "them dang liberals want to take our guns away!" This can be easily interchanged with, "them dang liberals are gonna let faggots get married," or "them dang liberals won't let us replace evolution with unintelligent design in school," or "I'm a filthy rich business owner and don't want to pay my fair share of taxes or make sure my workers are fairly compensated and working in a safe working environment," or "My company makes an unsafe product, and I want to make sure I can keep selling it without any restrictions," or "them dang liberals think that women and non-caucasians deserve some sort of rights and respect." Actually, now that I think about it, I don't think there is a single reason to want to be a conservative that isn't based on selfishness, aggressiveness or prejudice.
19 year olds on Myspace that list their annual income as "250k or higher."
"Family values" Republicans that are rooting for Rudy Giuliani who ignore the fact that he has had extramarital affairs, has been sued for sexual harassment, and sued his own ex-wife, who was also his second cousin, because she would not allow him to bring the girlfriend with whom he was cheating on her into their house, which she was still living in, to meet his kids on Father's Day. He had also previously had an extramarital affair with his communications director, and was lifelong pals with a priest who was convicted for pedophilia. He also has a long history of ignoring important events in his family such as graduations and often goes for long stretches of time without talking to his kids, and even his own stepdaughter is rooting against him in 2008.
These same "family values" conservatives also like to accuse liberals of conducting "witch hunts" when their guys like Ted Haggart, Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Jim Bakker, Josh Bolton, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Joe Scarborough, Jimmy Swaggart, Strom Thurmond, David Vitter, Thomas Ravenel, Robert W. Allen, etc. etc., who are all purportedly all pure as the driven snow and wonderful Christians, and in many cases highly motivated against anything un-Christian, homosexual, drug-related, etc. turn out to be deeply involved in illegal, or indisputably non-Christian sex / drug / corruption scandals. I can just hear the reasoning now... "Yes, for years I, Larry Craig, have fought tooth and nail to keep homosexuals from being able to get married. I mean, if they're all happily married, whose dick will I be able to suck in airport restrooms?" Or how about Ted Haggart? "My purpose in life is to preach the word of Jesus Christ and bring his blessing to everyone, regardless of how many gay male prostitutes I have to smoke crystal meth with to get the job done!" I mean, these assholes still make jokes about Clinton not inhaling. How the fuck did Haggart think he would get away with the same excuse? "Well, yes, I was buying meth from a gay male prostitute, but I never used it and we never had sex" Holy shit, that's idiotic. Of course, the problem, as I see it is not that assholes like Haggart and Craig are lonely gay men looking for affection, but that they spent their careers making a shit-ton of money by attacking gays and doing everything they could to make it more difficult for gays in America. It's not the fact that they're gay, it's the fact that they are hypocrites. For instance, Craig was one of the key republicans calling for the impeachment of Bill Clinton. Clinton got some consensual extramarital head from someone he knew from their working relationship. Craig propositioned an undercover cop for anonymous sex in a public restroom in an airport, and then pleaded guilty, and then reversed himself and said he's not gay. He's so full of shit it's amazing. Of course, we're working on a different dynamic, since Craig is a republican, and republicans want him to resign, not just because he did something illegal that displays his hypocrisy, but because as they see it, you can't be a good republican and be gay. Think about this for a second. Republicans spend millions of dollars on campaigns to gain seats in the Senate, and now that one of their guys might be (gasp) gay, they would RATHER LOSE THEIR SEAT than have a gay senator filling it, despite the fact that he voted exactly the way these assholes wanted.
Podcasts with "breaks." Like, if I'm listening to a political debate podcast, why the fuck do I need to hear a song in the middle? If I wanted to listen to a song, I've got plenty of them on my iPod already. If you are making your podcast and need to take a shit, just hit Stop on whatever you're using to record, make a mental note about what you were talking about, and then after you're done, come back, hit record, and just continue talking.
This morning at 6am I was awakened by a huge repetative booming sound that was loud enough to literally make my apartment shake. I looked outside and there was a dump truck and a back-hoe, and they were tearing out the sidewalk. The back-hoe would pull up a five foot by five foot by eight inch thick slab of sidewalk, lift it over the rim of the dump truck, and then drop it from full height into the truck, making the ground shake... AT SIX FUCKING O'CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING!
People who "know better" than you, when in fact they don't know shit, and they even KNOW that they don't know shit.
I tell the cab driver, "I need to go to the Mariott on Jay Street in Brooklyn." He apparently is unfamiliar with the landmark and looks like he's pondering for a second, so I follow up with directions. "Take 43rd to the BQE, then take it to Tillary Street. I'll tell you when to turn." I then start fidgeting with my iPod.
After a few seconds I notice that the car is not moving, and half assume that he's waiting for the right moment to cut across traffic so he can make the left turn to get to 43rd street. I look up and he has a huge map spread in front of him. "Take 43rd to the BQE and take it to Tillary Street."
"I'm just... I want to... Uhh... Get directions."
"Those are the directions. I've made this trip a hundred times."
Reluctantly, he put the map away and followed my directions, and drove SLOW AS FUCK the whole way there.
Copycat tattoos. Great way to make a statement about your individuality, idiot. Do you know how many retards I have seen with those same fucking tiger paws on their cleavage like that rapper Eve? Way too goddamn many.
Magic Johnson used in ads for HIV medication. "Oh, God! Surely Neg isn't going to attack a guy stricken with HIV!" You're goddamn right I am. But what galls me more than this guy making tons of money on his own disease is the message of these ads. The intended message is obvious. "Buy our drugs and you too can live as long as Magic Johnson has with HIV." That way, the pharmeceutical companies can cash in on people desperate to save or extend their own lives. The message these ads convey to me is, "Look! If you catch HIV when you are at the pinnacle of human physical fitness, and have millions of dollars to spend from a long career as a professional athlete, with more money coming in all the time from books, interviews, speaking engagements, and for doing endorsements for pharmeceutical companies, you can probably live with HIV much, much longer than some poor slob with no health insurance who can't even afford to see the doctor for a physical."
Serial killers who get that old time religion right after they get caught. "Y'know. I feel awfully bad for all those 23 elementary school kids that I took out to the woods and raped, and tortured, and raped, and killed, and raped, and dismembered, and raped, and buried... and then dug up and raped again, and then buried again over the years, but everything's changed now, because I finally came to know the Lord, and I know in my heart that Jesus has forgiven me. I've been born again and cleansed by the blood of Christ! PRAISE THE LORD!"
Retards who have been so brainwashed by propaganda that they see muslims as like this comic book villain. I just listened to this deluded asshole rambling about, "They LOVE death. The only thing that makes them happier than killing is dying themselves. We can't set up democracies in the Middle East, because they don't envy our freedom, they just DESPISE it. The reason Muslims have plural marriage and have lots of kids is so they can raise more holy warriors. The Koran is nothing but a manual on how to kill and wage war."
People who know that you have artistic or musical ability that want you to make some art like the art they like. "Oh, Monet's 'Waterlillies' is so nice. Why don't you do something like that?"
Well let's see here. First off, my art is nothing like Monet, Monet's art is cool because it was his idea, and if I did an impressionist painting of waterlillies, that would make me a hack. Pardon me if my artistic vision is not what you want hanging in your precious living room.
"Artists" who have artistic ability who don't see what's wrong with using their skills to just copy other people's style.
People who lump homosexuality and bisexuality in the same category as nymphomania, alcoholism, pedophilia, bestiality, satan worship, murder, drug addiction, rape, terrorism...
Parents who make their kids eat notoriously gross food. Like, you know before you even try that your kid will hate liver and onions, and it's not even a particularly healthy thing to eat, so what's the point, just showing them who's in charge?
The fact that The Daily Show and The Colbert Report went on break on the same day Alberto Gonzales resigned and the story of senator Larry Craig trying to solicit gay sex in a public restroom broke in the media. I got home from work, turned on the TV and sat there waiting to laugh my ass off. Jon Stewart popped on the screen and started his intro. The anticipation was almost too much. Then he started talking about Karl Rove resigning, and I was like, "What the fuck? A rerun?" Seriously, if I was the producer of The Daily Show and we were on break and there was a news day like that, I would say, "Fuck it! We've got a show to do!"
Multimillionaire pro football player Michael Vick just pleaded guilty to charges of funding a dogfighting ring called "Bad Newz Kennels." Today the NAACP said, "As a society, we should aid in his rehabilitation and welcome a new Mister Michael Vick back into the community without a permanent loss of his career in football." Uhhh... AS A SOCIETY WE SHOULD SEE THAT BRUTALLY KILLING AND MAIMING DOGS FOR ENTERTAINMENT IS FUCKED UP ENOUGH THAT THIS ASSHOLE SHOULD BE SHUNNED BY SOCIETY AND CEASE TO MAKE MILLIONS OF FUCKING DOLLARS A YEAR FOR PLAYING A STUPID GAME. I mean, how the fuck can they justify this shit? HE KILLED DOGS FOR FUN! I mean, I know he's black, and the NAACP stands behind people who are wrongfully accused of crimes that they are accused of because of their race, but holy fuck! Pick your fucking battles. THE GUY PLED GUILTY! He fucking DID IT. If he didn't do it, don't you think he has enough money to fund an excellent defense? What a great role model for kids! What a pillar of the community! I mean, he's REALLY, REALLY GOOD AT A FUCKING GAME, and that should exonnerate him from KILLING AND MAIMING DOGS FOR ENTERTAINMENT because, DAMN! HE'S REALLY GOOD AT FOOTBALL! Fuck Michael Vick, and fuck the NAACP for thinking he's "not such a bad guy," or that he deserves our fucking support. I'm sure when Martin Luther King talked about the promised land, he was referring to a place where people who run dog fighting rings deserve our support. You fucks have lost your way.
Doctors, vets and mechanics. Whenever you go to one of these, imagine a dollar amount that seems like a high-ball realistic estimate. Then multiply that amount by three. Then add 200 bucks.
Movies based on well-known traditional stories, where they take massive "creative" license.
For instance, Blade. Here you have a vampire. Vampires do what? Let's see... they drink blood, don't age, and they can be killed by sunlight, a stake through the heart, or decapitation and holy water has some sort of pepper spray type effect on them and they can turn other people into vampires by biting them. But wait! According to Blade, vampires disintegrate when you cut them, even just on the hand, with silver. Hmmm... Silver.... Umm, the directors realize that the movie is about vampires, not werewolves, right?
Hyperconservatives who STILL, in 2007, sound like they're just reciting Dubya talking points.
"You're damn right I'm for the war! Well, we HAD to liberate Iraq from Saddam. He aided the terrorists who carried out 9/11, and he had weapons of mass destruction. Who cares if more Americans have died in Iraq than died in the 9/11 attacks, if you criticize this war, it's clear that you don't support the troops. The Iraqi people see us as liberators, not occupiers. We're fighting the terrorists over there so we don't have to fight them over here. We're making the world safe for democracy. The reason we were attacked is because the terrorists hate our freedom. Of course we need to be able to wiretap all Americans without court oversight. How else will we stop the terrorists from hurting your children?"
Zoos that create enclosures for animals that are focused on realism to the extent that you can't even see the animals. Granted, I don't want to see a 2x2x2 bare cement box with an animal in it, but the whole point of a zoo is that I don't have to delve through a jungle to maybe catch a fleeting glimse of some animal's tail peeking out from behind a rock, which is under a bush, which is growing on a cliff, which is 20 feet over my head.
Magazines about synthesizers that do little feature stories like "20 most influential synthesizers of all time" that don't even mention the Roland TB-303. Like, they'll go on and on about their dumb prog rock, and Emerson Lake and Palmer, and go on a windy shpiel about some huge modular synth that only 10 people owned that gave one Hawkwind song a unique sound, and then they'll feature some synth that was so uncommon that the best picture they can find of it merely shows the synth far in the background in a 1977 picture of Genesis's studio. Meanwhile, they act like techno music is totally insignificant in the history of electronic music. Here you have a genre of music that spawned subcultures and dozens of subgenres and has had significant commercial success and loads of notable figures in popular music for literally decades trying to adopt or incorporate core elements of the techno sound, and Keyboard Magazine wants to go on and on about fucking Keith Emerson month after month. Here's a tip, assholes. Techno is the single largest and longest-lived genre of synthesizer-based music ever. Writing off techno as some sort of fad in the context of the evolution of electronic music is like ignoring the dress when examining women's fashions. Sure, the Minimoog was a great synth, and probably deserves that top position you always give it in your top 20 lists, but you would think that the TB-303, which spawned far more direct emulators than any other synthesizer ever made would deserve at least an honorable mention, particularly before some obscure shit that most synth geeks have never even heard of. Most everyone who's into vintage synthesizers will recognize a 303 before your bullshit Clavitronic ZPX1305 or whatever that sold 200 units in 1979 before the Clavitronic company went out of business after only 6 months of producing them, and the magazine can only cite one or two songs that used it.
People who speak in short blurbs of unclear, nonspecific gibberish who get frustrated when you don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
"So what's up?"
"Hey, sup."
"No, I mean what happened?"
"What happened with what?"
"That guy."
"What guy?"
"You remember.... That guy."
"Uhhh..."
"The guy... Last week. What happened?"
"Guy..... Last week..... What are you talking about?"
"(Loud, annoyed sigh) The guy in the restaurant!"
"Ummmm..... We had a lot of guys in the restaurant last week."
"The guy with the thing.... You know!"
"Guy with the thing.... What?"
"(Even louder and more annoyed sigh) The fat guy!"
"Yep, we had a lot of fat guys too."
"(Super-loud and annoyed sigh) There was a fat guy..."
"Okay...."
"Who came in last Tuesday...."
"Uh-huh..."
"And he had an allergy to onions..."
"AHHHH...."
"And he got some soup that had onions in it..."
"Yeah, I know the guy now."
"What happened with him?"
"Oh, he was fine."
"Oh..... See? Was that so hard?"
"Yes, it was. Why didn't you just start by asking me about the guy with the onion allergy who got the soup?"
*Dumb shrug*
The fact that MTV still uses Techno or IDM for 90% of their station ID's and bumpers, but play none in their programming.
Animal shelters that make it unreasonably difficult to adopt a pet. Obviously you don't want to give animals to the local sketchy Chinese restaurant or a guy with a long rap sheet of dogfighting convictions or a traveling show called "Uncle Meatclamp's Super Vivisection Extravaganza," but if some normal person wants a pet, they should be able to get one. That's kind of the fucking point of an animal shelter, no? To find homes for pets? Recently I have been looking to get a kitten. No, fuck you and your "we only let you adopt full grown cats" shit. If I want a kitten, I'll fucking get one. So one place I checked will only take people by appointment, requires two letters of recommendation by people not in your family, a letter of recommendation from a vet (what if you don't have one?), a letter from your landlord stating that it is okay to have a cat, and they won't let you take the cat with you. They will deliver the cat to you so they can see your apartment and decide if it is suitable for a pet. They also require you to take your cat to them (not your own vet) for periodic vet exams. And of course, they reserve the right to reject your application for any reason without telling you why it was rejected. Adopting a fucking child is simpler. So you've got all these cats and dogs that need homes.... GOOD JOB. You set up all your policies which will ensure that many people just skip over your service and go to another shelter, or (and I know this is one of those things that piss these people off) just go BUY a pet from a breeder or pet store.
People who read that I'm trying to adopt a kitten from a shelter who immediately react by going into PETA ally-finding mode, and praise me for doing "the right thing" or "something noble" by getting a cat from a shelter instead of buying a kitten from a pet store. You know what? I really don't give a shit where I get the cat. I just figured it would be cheaper and easier to adopt rather than buying one. If that turns out not to be the case, (read the entry above) I'll probably end up buying a kitten.
Retards who wear REALLY obvious toupees. Like, I assume the desired effect is, "Hey, that guy has a full head of hair," not, "Mommy, why is that man wearing a fur hat in July?"
Seriously, have some self respect. Look in a fucking mirror. If you look in a mirror and think anything, ANYTHING other than, "There is no way anyone would think this is fake," then we all know it's a damn rug and think you're pathetic. It's not the gradient realism scale that you might think. There's no middle-ground "Well, it sorta looks real." It either looks absolutley like it's your hair growing naturally out of your head, or it's hilariously fake as fuck. Oh, and let me assure you, it IS hilarious, and we DO laugh when you walk out of the room. What's even dumber is that almost every rug I see is not even approaching that "maybe it's real" threshold. If you rate toupees on a scale of "Really? It's a toupee? I never knew," to "Hmmm... Maybe that's a toupee," to "Holy shit, what the fuck is that on your head? It looks like you stamped on a badger until it was flat and then stuck it on top of your head," I would say 90% of toupees rank badger.
Toilets that splash water all over their seats when they flush. If the first law of robotics is robots must not harm humans, the first law of toilets should be toilet water stays in the toilet.
Employees that hide and disappear and fuck off all day, and then when you finally see them, it's because they came out of hiding to tell you that they're going on break.
Cash registers at places like McDonalds that display the "Avg Srv Time." These are always bullshit. The display never shows anything over a minute. Usually the number is somewhere between 40 and 50 seconds, which is ironic, because every time I notice these displays it's because I've been in line for a million goddamn years and have exhausted things to look at so I look at the little display that says 43 seconds and think, "Well, let's see. I was the fourth person in line when I got here, and now I'm the second person in line, and it's been at least ten minutes, so, uhh, BULLSHIT!"
The fact that every single day of my life I don't go to bed until well after the point where I stop, look at the clock, and think, "I am an idiot for still being awake."
That bullshit in Windows Media Player where it's supposed to acquire codecs it doesn't have to play sound and video files. I look at a ton of stupid shit on the internet, and NOT ONCE have I ever seen the little text in Media Player SUCCESSFULLY get a codec. Whenever you see "Acquiring Codec," you know that the next message will invariably be "Error downloading Codec." YOU CAN'T EVER DO IT RIGHT, SO STOP PRETENDING. It's like if someone asked me to use telekinesis to lift an object, and I made a straining face while looking like I'm concentrating, and then I let out a sigh and said, "Sorry, I tried, but I can't." BULLSHIT.
At my job we often get waiters from temp waiter agencies to help us with large events. Occasionally, one of these waiters misunderstands the idea of "temp" and decides to try to get more hours. While some of our better temps get invited to work several times a week, or eventually get hired as permanent employees, for the most part, we usually bring in most of these temps only when it's very busy or we have a particularly large event. One of these temps has apparently figured out the perfect way to get no hours at all. It's as though she's making a guide on how never to get hours from me. I can guarantee she's never going to work for me again. Her technique in assuring this is as accurate and perfect as if she read my mind.
HOW NOT TO GET HOURS FROM ME:
1. Show up to work looking like a slob.
2. Come early so as to try to get extra time in without permission.
3. Do a crappy job.
4. When I call you to ask if you can work, record my personal cell phone number.
5. Call my personal cell phone 5 times every day asking for work.
6. Wait no more than 2 minutes between each of these five calls.
7. Leave a voicemail on every call.
8. Begin each voicemail with the same creepy, disingenuous "Good day, sir."
9. Be the live-in girlfriend of another temp waiter who isn't stellar, and when I call for him, answer the phone and ask if there are any hours for you.
10. Get your boyfriend to ask for hours for you every time he works.
11. Get your boyfriend to call my personal cell phone and ask for hours for you.
Americans who still can't grasp a simple concept: If our only solution is to kill or torture people who threaten and disagree with us, it will make more people threaten and disagree with us.
People who give themselves truly horrible looking amateurish homemade tattoos. There is one word that should stick in your mind above all others when you're about to get a tattoo: FOREVER. Yet, I frequently see these piece of shit tattoos that looked like they were done by some staggering, drunk asshole stabbing himself in the arm with a papermate while looking in the bathroom mirror. The guy sitting across from me on the subway right now is apparently right handed, as he has a cross on the webbing bewteen his left thumb and index finger, and a capital letter N on the knuckle of his left middle finger. It looks as though he was trying to draw on his hand with a blue Sharpie marker while someone was doing that bully big brother "stop hitting yourself" game, and since he probably used marker ink or something, it's faded and pale, and the characters are sloppy and irregular. Oh, and to some, the next point might seem tangential, but I think it punctuates the previous idea very poignantly. I noticed his hands because he had a big stack of lottery scratch-off tickets, which he sat and scratched off, one after the other.
On July 3rd, President Bush had a choice to make.
A.) Let Scooter Libby go to jail and serve his time for the felony charges that a jury in federal court found him guilty of, which was actually a very lenient punishment for treason, and thus save a tiny bit of integrity.
B.) Say fuck it and basically pardon him, tossing what little credibilty you have to the wind, as you once again hold personal loyalty far above justice, integrity and simple common sense. Perhaps this concept eluded you, but sacrificial lambs get sacrificed, and fall guys fall.
Oh, uhh, guess which one he chose.
Of course, the optimist in me would like to believe that he's breaking those last few matchsticks and that Americans will eventually slam their fists on their desks and say, "That's it! This asshole has gone too far! Who the fuck does he think he is?!" But then on the 5th, I was standing in the grocery store line and saw the front of the USA Today. The front page stories were, "Al Gore's son had pot in his car," and "What will we do if Harry Potter dies in the last book?" and then I remembered that they will always get away with their bullshit because Americans are fucking retarded. I went to work and tried to strike up a conversation with a coworker. "Can you believe Bush basically pardoned Scooter Libby?"
"Who?"
About a week later, at a press conference, Bush was asked about the issue and he said he felt that the outcome was fair and that it had "run its course." Uhhh.... FUCK YOU! WE will tell you when it's run its course. Nixon resigned over less. It's like a bank robber stopping in the middle of the getaway chase and telling the cops, "Sorry, guys, but I think this has run its course. You can go home now. Shoo." This situation is over when WE decide it's over. You're the one with some 'splaining to do, and we won't let you shrug us off.
Oliver Stone made a proposal to Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to make a movie about him, but he rejected the idea because Stone was an American, and hence, part of "The Great Satan." ....... HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAH! That guy is a fucking hoot.
"I'll pray for you." You know what? Don't. Obviously you know how fucking condescending this is or you wouldn't say it. It's like a last stab in an argument. "I don't respect your opinion at all. Obviously you're too stupid to believe in the same imaginary being as me, so I will take it upon myself to beg this fake god, not to spare you, but to convince you that he's real so that you too can submit and kiss his ass, and see yourself as a lowly scumbag in need of forgiveness for things that are perfectly natural, but deemed heinous crimes by people who believe in the same fairy tale as me. Hopefully, after you believe the same bullshit I do, he won't decide to destroy you and torture you forever."
Last weekend, treetrunk-necked professional wrestler Chris Benoit murdered his wife and seven year old son before hanging himself. The internet, in true detached-fuckhead fashion overflowed with idiots saying things like "RIP Chris Benoit," and, "It's such a tragedy, he was one of my favorite wrestlers." Look. I know you guys have small brains, as something like being a wrestling fan sort of requires it, but LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE SAYING. The guy KILLED HIS WIFE AND KID. That is tragic FOR THEM, not for for Chris Benoit. Awww, but he killed himself.... AS HE SHOULD HAVE. The only thing good that came from the incident is that the perpetrator is dead. Of course, they try to retort that he was obviously suffering from mental problems stemming from the use of anabolic steroids, like that will make me say, "Oh... Then I guess he couldn't help it. Poor guy." No. FUCK that shit. A woman and seven year old kid are dead because this asshole wanted to make his freakishly thick neck even thicker. The whole thing is his fault from start to finish, and it's times like this that I wish God was real, because it would be comforting to know that this asshole is suffering somewhere.
Clients who give you twenty pages of instructions for an order, who get furious at you for missing something minor that was 3/4 of the way down on page 17 and is two words long, particularly when the missing thing is fixed in five minutes and nobody but them even noticed it was missing. Like I have this one client that flies off the handle over the littlest shit. The other day she came to me literally red in the face and shaking all over to tell me, "Your waiters put out the coffee and milk, BUT THEY FORGOT THE HALF AND HALF! I SPECIFICALLY SAID I WANTED HALF AND HALF!" Of course, her group had not yet arrived, and the waiters brought the half and half long before they ever did, but she acted like someone had shoved a spear in her mother.
THINGS IN FINAL FANTASY XI ONLINE THAT PISS ME OFF
Yeah, yeah, I made a self-indulgent entry about a MMORPG videogame that most people probably will have no point of reference to, and will not understand 90% of this. Who cares? My page. Tough titty.
1. People who come back from a 6 month break from the game who get pissed off when people don't rush to help them complete missions or get some piece of gear they want. Gee, sorry, but who were you again? Oh, and you need help getting Sea access so you can uhh... maybe go on another 6 month break starting tomorrow?
2. People who come to 1out of 20 linkshell events who get pissed off when other people who show up for 18-20 out of 20 linkshell events get to lot on gear ahead of them.
3. People who join an XP party when they have 15 minutes to play.
4. People who only show up to linkshell events when they know there is a strong possibility that they will get to lot on a piece of gear that they want.
5. People who decide that WoW is really a lot more fun than FFXI, and either quit or start a parttern of playing once a month for an hour, two days after they get an E body, an M body, a Ridill, a Kraken Club, or some other awesome game-breaking gear that their LS-mates would blow a homeless guy to have.
6. People who log on Wednesdays and Sundays at 6pm and log off Wednesdays and Sundays at 9:30pm because that's when Dynamis is going on. Gee, surely that Koga Chainmail shouldn't go to someone who plays Ninja every day. NO, NO! Don't give the Sorcerer's Hat to the guy who is at every single linkshell event as Black Mage! Give it to that guy who plays 6 hours a week and doesn't show up for any other linkshell events!
7. Gee, thanks guys. It sure was great of you to spend hours and hours and weeks and weeks farming Sky against loads of legit US and JP linkshells, and even more Gil Seller linkshells while I was busy levelling my 32 Monk. So... I get to lot the Osode for my WAR since I bothered to show up for Kirin, right? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO? FUCK THIS SHIT!
8. People who level a great job, like BRD or BLM, and then level a crappy job, like PUP, who cry at every linkshell event because they are always asked to come as a non-useless job.
9. People who level ONE job who think that automatically makes them first lot on everything that could possibly pertain to that job, who get sore at other LS members who want to lot against them, since they have 2 or 3 or more jobs, but need the same piece of gear. "Awwww, come on guys. I'm a MNK. Can't you just let me have the Wyrm Beard? I mean, I know 4 other people here need it too, and a couple of them have the other two pieces and could walk away from this fight and simply pick up their Blackbelts, and I don't have any of the 3 parts yet, but, c'mon guys!" or worse, "C'mon guys! I mean, I know I have a Blackbelt, Destroyers, Faith Baghnakhs, 5/5 Shura, 4/5 AF2, Bandomusha Kote, Dune Boots, Kirin's Osode, Byakko's Haidate, Seiryu's Kote and Suzaku's Sune-Ate, and there are a lot of people here who are not even nearly as decked out as I am, but come on, guys! I NEEED a Genbu's Kabuto!"
10. People who act like they are doing their linkshell a great service by missing events so they can track the ToD of some NM that drops something that they want. "Hey, guys, I know you're in the middle of a fight, but I'm standing here all alone in Valley of Sorrows and Aspid is on his third day. So I know there's like a 95% chance that Adamantoise will pop instead of Aspidochelone, and whether it pops NQ or HQ, I definitely can't solo it, so there's no real reason for me to be here and missing a linkshell event, and you know that by the time Aspid actually pops his window will be 4am-7am on a weekday and nobody will be on, but hey - I'm the guy who mentions wanting an A Body 20 times a day in chat, so I'm going to be totally useless until I get what I want.." We literally didn't see this guy for like three weeks. He would log on for windows, and then log off. Why help a guy who plays 3 hours a day, and not with the linkshell?
11. People who show up for Dynamis 2.5 hours late and want equal lotting rights as the people who have been working hard since the beginning.
12. People who do whatever they feel like while their LS camps a land king for 3 hours against 100+ people, who START to head out to camp IF their LS gets claim.
13. Assholes that bot claims so obviously that it gets to be surprising when they don't claim. Like there's this guy who is at Fafnir / Nidhogg almost every day, and about 9 times out of 10 when he's there, HE will get claim. What are the odds? About half the time, there's so much lag that I don't even see the dragon until the claiming LS is already aligned right and fighting it, yet somehow this guy manages to claim... against 100+ people who are all trying for claim... who all supposedly have a nearly equal chance of claiming... almost every time.... Oh, but of course, whenever someone posts on a forum about his obvious botting, which has a history going back a couple of years, he says, "But I use PS2." BULLSHIT.
14. People in an end-game linkshell that miss events due to not having, for instance, Sea access, who don't spend their time on missions that would get them Sea access, but rather, they spend all their time levelling their secondary job 40-something Paladin. Of course, once they get Paladin to 75 they're going to want to lot on gear for it, which is really helpful since they can't take their paladin to Sea to actually be useful.
15. People who want to lot on endgame gear for a job they are in the process of levelling, when there are people at the event that actually have the job levelled to 75 and need the gear. "Can I lot the Byakko's Haidate for my 62 NIN? I mean, I know my only 75 job is WHM, and that there are a bunch of NINs, MNKs, WARs and SAMs here that need it, but eventually I'm going to level NIN to 75."
16. The DRG acceptance thing. Sure, DRG is a fun job, but for the most part, sad to say, all it is is a non-specialized melee DD class that is outperformed by other classes. So what do so many DRGs do? They get on the soap box and cry and cry about how DRG should be given a chance, how DRG is just as good as other jobs, and how people are stupid for poking fun at it. Can DRG do good damage? Sure they can, just usually not as good as many other classes. If you have WAR and DRG levelled, and you show up to an HNM fight as DRG, sorry, but you picked the wrong job. Go back and come back as a WAR. The HNM LS you want to join says they don't need any DRGs? How about instead of crying about how it's so unfair, why not level a few different jobs so they can invite you for a job they DO need? What's even dumber is when DRG's cry about not being invited to a pet LS. Look, when you can send a disposable pet after a monster, and have that pet tank for you as you issue commands to it, fine, you're a pet job. As it stands now, you would have to melee, which would basically turn you into the tank, and a large part of hate balance in a pet-job alliance is not having to heal people, but rather letting pets fight, and die for you. If a DRG loses his pet, he's nothing more than a second rate melee DD for twenty minutes.
17. People who feel that they are "next in line" for a certain drop when lotting rights in their LS aren't determined that way, then when the thing drops, and other people are allowed to lot against them, they flip out.
18. Startup HNM linkshells that fight HNMs for like 2 weeks until the leaders all lose interest and the LS quickly transforms into nothing more than a social LS where nobody ever feels like fighting anything.
19. People who forget that this is a social game, who do utterly shady shit like steal high-ticket items from other players or team up with Real Money Trade players from China or bot claims, who think that people will just forget and let them enjoy the benefits of having a good reputation, like being in a respectable LS with a good reputation. Like this one douchebag I know formed a linkshell that incorporated bad-rep North American players with Chinese RMT, and borrowed some "friends'" accounts, which he used to tele-hack Padfoot claims. He then sold tons of Astral Earrings, H kotes, etc. and sold the gil to an RMT website. The accounts of the people he used were then BANNED for telehacking, leaving his "friends" completely screwed out of the characters they had been working on for 3 years. Then since no respectable NA HNM LS would touch him with a ten foot pole, he joined a Japanese linkshell that has a long-standing reputation as the worst botting linkshell on the server, Wizardry, which almost all NA HNM hunters refer to as "Wizbot," which employs mostly JP players with a dash of the absolute worst NA trash on the server. Of course, since Wizbot is at pretty much every HNM camp and bots claims, this guy gets a lot of opportunities to fight HNMs that he never got to fight before. How does he see his situation? "I'm in the best LS on the server." Fuck you in the asshole. Enjoy being in the LAST LS you will ever be in, because no NA shell would even think about touching any of the trash in Wizbot.
20. People who use their bazaar not as a place to sell things, but as a trophy case, or a display of gear they will have once they gain a few levels. Fuck that shit. I wanted to see if you had anything interesting to sell, so you can take that Seal of Genbu, that Third Virtue, that Odorous Knife, that Giant Donko, which are all priced at 99,999,999 gil, and shove them up your asses.
21. People who use their bazaar to sell completely worthless bullshit. Look. Put shit in your bazaar if the cost of listing a slow selling, high value item on the Auction House would kick your ass if the thing came back after three days unsold. Fuck your insect wings, Yagudo feathers, rabbit skins and water crystals, newb.
22. People who price things in their bazaars with no concept of competition or supply and demand. Like, you set up your bazaar mule in Rolanberry Fields. You are selling a Fomor Codex. You price it at 200,000 gil. The bazaar mule next to you has been standing there for two weeks with a fomor codex for sale for 80,000. What do you do? "Duurrrrhhh, PEOPLE WILL BUY MINE BECAUSE IT'S LIKE STARBUCKS WHERE PEOPLE IMAGINE THAT 'EXPENSIVE EQUALS BETTER!'" Then a week later, both mules are still standing there, one with a codex for 200k, and one with a codex for 80k. Meanwhile, another mule has sold four of them for 60k each in the same time.
23. People who fail to grasp extremely basic concepts about game and party mechanics even at somewhat advanced levels. I mean, you made it to The Boyhada Tree (somehow). Shouldn't you have figured out that 60-65 is not a reasonable level gap for a party? Shouldn't you realize that a Paladin isn't an evasion-based tank that should gear up in a Scorpion Harness, Bat Cape, etc? Haven't you realized that Summoner/Black Mage eats ass? Haven't you realized that crabs are annoying as shit and slow, slow xp without a dispeller? Haven't you realized that Dark Knight shouldn't eat mage food? The other day I was invited to two different parties to main heal paladins as the only mage in party on my 57 BARD. "Who's main healing?" "You are." "Uhhh, I have 138 mp. That's like 3 cure 3's." "What? Why do you have so little mp?" "Because bards have no native mp. Any mp I have is from my subjob." "Hmmmmm..." Don't hmmm me, you retard. You're acting like your failure to understand this game is somehow my fault.
24. Retards who go on FFXI job forums, and instead of asking for advice on how to play a job better, or share some interesting and testable discovery they have made (preferably with proof) , they either lie and make grossly exaggerated claims about something they have accomplished with the job, which experienced players can instantly spot as false,
"I was meleeing on my summoner and I had a fully merited WAR in my party with a Ridill and my meleeing was making him look sick. My Carbuncle's Pole was outdamaging him by at least 75%. Also, I was subbing BLM, because healing is for sissy WHM's, and my nukes were outdamaging the party's BLM by at least 200 damage on magic bursts."
or they go into some dorky fanfic about how the job would be so much better if Square Enix would change a zillion factors of the job (which of course, they would never in a million years do) to make it so absurdly overpowered that nobody would ever play a different job ever again.
"I have a proposal that would totally fix the summoner job. First off, summoner should be given main-job level elemental magic skill, which would make subbing black mage totally awesome. Also they should make avatars and spirits completely free from perpetuation cost. That way we could keep them out all the time. Also, they need to make our avatars do, at the very least, as much damage as a black mage or a warrior. Maybe give them double/triple attack, and en-spell damage. They should also raise summoner's base DEX and STR and give them an A-class rating in a good melee weapon class like axe, great katana, etc. and make it so they can equip good melee gear like E-body."
25. People who flat-out refuse to buy NEEDED items for their job because of cost.
"Why aren't you using utsusemi?"
"I'm not tanking."
"But you are supposed to be tanking."
"SHUT UP! NINJA IS NOT A TANK CLASS! IT'S A DD CLASS!"
"Umm, I hate to break it to you, but in 99.999% of parties you will be expected to tank."
"Well fuck that shit! I won't do it."
"Then you won't get parties."
"Whatever."
"Okay, so can we please get some XP? You're tanking, so fire up the shadows and let's do this."
"I don't have utsusemi, and even if I did, I can't afford the tools to use it. I got like 1000 gil."
*KICK*
Today I kicked a Red Mage when he would not try to silence mage mobs. Red mage's primary function is to enfeeble monsters with spells like silence and paralyze and slow so they can't act.
"Try to silence those."
"I can't."
"What, they resist?"
"I don't have silence."
"Why not?"
"That shit is overpriced on the AH. Maybe you should buy it for me if you're so insistant on my having it."
I looked up the silence scroll on FFXIAH.com.
"It's 500 gil."
"So?"
"So that's NOTHING."
"Yeah, well I got 275 gil so I ain't getting silence."
"SO GO FARM."
*KICK*
To give you an idea how much 500 gil is in FFXI, if you were walking down the street and found an old rotten orange peel in the gutter, it would probably sell for 2000 gil. Even a low level character could very, very easily make 500 gil almost by accident in minutes. If you're levelling instead of farming, when you lack an essential spell that costs 500 gil, seriously go fuck yourself.
26. Assholes who think that XP time or Dynamis time or HNM time is skillup time. I was partying with this Thief who would hardly ever melee, but would spam his crossbow the whole time. His skillchain partner would have 300 TP long before he had 100. Finally I was like,
"Dude, what's with the crossbow?"
"Huh? Oh, I'm trying to skill up."
"Yeah, but you never hit, so you get TP slow as hell. You're hurting our efficiency a lot."
"Well that's because my skill is only 73." (skill cap at his level was like 200, so of course he's hardly ever going to hit an XP monster, which also means that he's almost never going to get skillups anyway, since your skill only rises occasionally, and can only rise on hits.)
"Well, you can skill that up on your own time. As it stands now, you're not doing anything meaningful for this party. Stop trying to skill up your marksmanship and just fight so we can get good XP, okay?"
"I'll do what I want."
*KICK*
Another time I was levelling NIN, which is expensive, and sort of a basic concept is, the faster the mob dies, the less tools the NIN uses. So over the course of a level, the cost can be either significantly reduced or increased based on how fast mobs are killed. Having a BLM in a mid-level party can definitely shorten kills, so when I got in a party with one, I tended to have a pretty positive outlook. Then, about 20 minutes into this party I noticed something. It had been a while since I had seen an elemental nuke, and the BLM kept aspiring non-mage anticans. Then it clicked. Bio..... Drain..... Aspir.... Bio..... Stun... Bio..... Bio..... Bio.... Drain.... Aspir.... Bio.... Bio....
"DUDE! Will you stop skilling up Dark Magic Skill and play for real?"
"What's it to you?"
"It's money down the drain because we're killing too slowly and it's wasting tools."
"Pfft. You should have known NIN was expensive when you started levelling it."
"Yeah, but I'm here so we can all get XP. I'm not paying for tools just so you can skill up."
"Whatever." He warped. Good riddance.
27. People who join an XP party and then go AFK for-fucking-ever. So either you're standing there like dorks waiting for this asshole to stop jacking off, or you try to fight without him, so you're working harder to compensate for only having five fighters, and meanwhile this dick is getting XP for free. Isn't it amazing how these fuckheads always seem to magically come back right as the conversation shifts to "Maybe we should kick him, He's just leeching."
Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack... huh? Oh, shit. They're gonna kick me. "/p I'm back""
28. People who form a party that simply cannot work who try to make the best of it to a stupid extent. "C'mon guys. Sure, I would like more DD's, but all I could find was 4 PLD's, 1 WHM and 1 RDM. Now we can stand here and cry about it or we can try to fight and get annihilated in epic 10 minute fights against monsters that give us 80 xp a kill. So let's do this!"
29. People who either say nothing before leaving a party, or alert their party that they are leaving like this:
/shutdown ....
*Executing shutdown in 30 seconds.......
*Executing shutdown in 25 seconds.......
*Executing shutdown in 20 seconds.......
*Executing shutdown in 15 seconds.......
*Executing shutdown in 10 seconds.......
*Executing shutdown in 5 seconds.......
/p Thanks for the party. I gotta go.
*BLIP*
I had a fucking white mage do this to me tonight about 1/4 into a fight and the tank ended up dying. OH NO! WE DON'T NEED A WHM FOR THE WHOLE FIGHT! YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD AND DISAPPEAR WITH NO WARNING
30. People who get all indignant and pissed off when people point out that they are fucking something up. Now, I'm no great fan of these know it all players who end up on 4 out of 6 blacklists everytime they join a party because they won't shut up about how much better everyone could play if they just did it their way, but if someone does something really fucking bad, or repeatedly fucks up, you should be able to tell them without them having a hissy fit.
Tonight I was in a party on my BRD and this 30BLM/NIN (har-har) who was dual-wielding wands kept "accidentally" popping Firaga and hitting nearby Opo-opos. First off, you never pop AOE (area of effect) nukes when there's the possibility of hitting nearby monsters, and secondly, we were fighting Sahagins, which are strong to fire anyway. He did it twice. The first time I was able to Horde Lullaby and nearly got killed in the process as we tried to handle a Sahagin and two Opo-opos. The second time he did it, I was the only one to make it to the zone alive, since the BLM died quickly, the RDM went down almost immediately from trying to heal him, and the PLD went down from trying to tank 2 mobs at once with no healer. Say what you will about the sleeper bailing, I tried to sleep them, and then hauled ass, because a party with a dead healer, BLM and PLD generally can't pull off a whole lot of miracles.
Once I zoned, I was like, "Dude, what's with the AOE?"
"Well, it's a strong spell."
"YES, but it hits nearby mobs, which then kill everyone."
"Whatever. You should have slept them."
"Uhhh, I tried to, however, if you had not hit them with AOE, there would be no reason to sleep them, right?"
"Whatever."
"And what's with the overnuking? You fire off your heaviest nuke as soon as the monster is pulled and it spends the whole fight running all over. You nuke it hard, get hate, get hit, then as soon as the PLD gets hate back, you nuke it hard again and pull hate again. It's not even like you're using Utsusemi, so what's with the /NIN?"
"FUCK THIS. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY I PLAY, I'M OUTTA HERE!" At this point he homepointed to Whitegate.
"No. I don't like the way you play, and think the party will be much better now that you're gone." It was.
Oh, and sort of a scary punchline for this... I did a search for him a few minutes later, and he was on his 74 RDM. A 74 RDM with no BLM sub... that doesn't know not to fire off AOE in a crowded XP camp with monsters strolling through it. I guess you really can level up just as a refresh whore. Fucking pathetic.
31. That fucking annoying lag shit where you keep running into the same guy in front of you over and over. To explain, when you run into someone, you stop for a second, then walk through them. If they are running the same direction as you, but slower, this will cause you to never pass them until you go around them. What happens with the lag glitch is someone is running in front of you, then it looks like they stop running. Then you run into them, stop, then keep running. Then a couple of seconds later, the server unlags their character, and they apprear in front of you again, and then THEY STOP AGAIN, and you run into them and stop AGAIN, and this happens over and over and over, and the only way to get around this is if you luck out and go in a different direction, which hardly ever happens in lag-o-riffic places like Dynamis and on the way from the Auction house to the Mog house in Aht Urhgan Whitegate.
32. Food-optional people with gimp-as-fuck gear in XP parties. Gee. I sure am glad I broke the bank on good food and gear to be a much more efficient player so we can still get shitty XP per hour because you can't hit the mob and when you do, you hardly hurt it.
33. People who form a party specifically designed so they don't have to perform their job. The other day I was seeking party on my White Mage. I get a tell asking if I want a party. "Sure." I join, and the party is just the leader and me so far. The leader is a Summoner. Summoners are, for the most part, XP party healers. This fuck went looking for a white mage FIRST to ensure that he wouldn't be healing before even considering what other jobs would be in the party. He then got a Red Mage, a Paladin, and a couple of damage dealers. Of course, as I predicted, XP was slow as fuck, because that's what happens when you sacrifice a strong damage dealer slot for some selfish summoner who thinks his little Carbuncle is a brute who can dish it out. Asshole. After about an hour and a half of getting 2.5k XP an hour, I decided to escape. I said that I had a LS event to attend, and suggested that they get a DD to replace me. He didn't search for a DD. He looked for another HEALER to replace me. When he couldn't find one, he threw up his hands and said, "Well, without a healer, we're going to have to disband the party," to which pretty much everyone said, "Uhhh, why don't you just get a DD and then you can heal." He replied, "HAH! {Healing magic}{No thanks}." So the party disbanded... Then I sent tells to all the other previous members of the party, invited them to a new party, invited a Warrior in place of the Summoner and we went back to the same camp and made about 6k XP per hour for the next 3 hours.
34. People who lie to me about how little money they have when I am tele-taxiing. Pretty standard rates for tele-taxis are 1000-2000 gil, with some people being cool and giving you 5k or more occasionally. Then you get these assholes who you know as high-level players, and are obviously wealthy in game, who shout for a tele and then give you a run-around on the price.
Douchebag: "Teleport: Vahzl, Can I have it?"
/pcmnd add Douchebag.
Neg: "Hello."
*Douchebag offers to trade with you.*
He puts 237 gil in the trade window.
Neg: "Ummm..."
Douchebag: "That's all I have. I'm sorry ; ;"
Neg: "Okay there, mister Haubergeon +1, Dusk Gloves +1, Speed Belt, Unicorn Leggings +1, Juggernaut."
*Trade Cancelled.*
/pcmnd leave
/blist add Douchebag.
35. Cheap-ass tippers like the guy above who think I owe them a teleport because I took them before. I had this guy yesterday tip me 300 gil. I thought, instead of standing there and arguing about how small the tip was, I would just go ahead and take him. So he gets to LaTheine Plateau, dies, homepoints, then 5 minutes later is shouting in Jeuno again for a teleport. Then he starts following my character around and sending me tells, "C'mon, man! Help me out! PLEASE!" and trying to initiate trades with me as I pretend I don't see him.
36. Gear with stats that don't make any sense. I mean, Artifact and Relic armor are made FOR a particular job, SO, wearing that armor shouldn't make you a gimp, but often it does. Like if you're a 60 Thief and you're wearing your full artifact armor, you're gimped because far better gear is out there, some of which is cheap. Right now I'm levelling Bard, and 2 out of 5 of the artifact pieces are good. The rest are pretty pointless. Plus evasion on a Bard? Plus parrying? Plus Strength? 99% of the time, these don't help you, so why put the stats there? What's sad is MOST jobs are like this. It's like SE just tossed a bunch of stats at you without any logic behind it. 2/5 of the WAR set is worth using. 3/5 of the NIN set is worth using. 1/5 of the SMN set is worth using. Of course, even some of those are just situational and better gear is out there. Why bother?
37. The fact that SE still hasn't implemented a system where you can seek a party on a job you are not currently playing. For instance, let's say I want to level on my 22 DRK. This job is basically too damn weak to kill anything near the area where you would XP it. So I get to stand there LFG like a dumbass or try to find party members. If I can't find the right jobs, I basically just stand there and wait, maybe for hours. If I could seek on one job and play on the other, I could be out and about farming on my 75 THF, but the way SE designed it, it's as though they would rather you just waste shitloads of time
38.Ninjas who totally don't get the concept of tanking. Generally speaking, Ninja tanking is about keeping hate, evading attacks, avoiding attacks by using shadows, dealing damage, and some minor enfeebling. Then you get ninjas who think it's about dealing damage, and dealing damage, and dealing damage, and dealing damage and also dealing damage, and who cares if I have the defense of a wet paper bag and the evasion of a cinder block stuck in the mud, and can't keep hate for shit and the healer is dumping tons of MP by healing me because I get hit constantly, as long as I'm dealing damage, everything is peachy.
39.People who join a specifically HNM / Endgame linkshell seemingly with no urge whatsoever to participate in any endgame activities. They have a job at 75, have a couple of friends in the linkshell, and get accepted as a member. From that day on, you see them only occasionally in the linkshell, and whenever you see them in person, they're just crafting or xping some low level job or maybe doing some low level CoP missions. These guys come in two subsets. Group A are the guys who hardly speak in LS, maybe log on once or twice a week, and everytime they say "Hi" everyone is amazed to see them, and Group B which talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, and inadvertantly constantly remind everyone that they're online, not afk, generally not busy, and NOT attending linkshell events, and you wonder why the fuck they're there.
40.People who either get caught or openly admit to hacking, botting, ripping people off, buying massive amounts of gil, etc. who don't then fuck off, but instead keep playing and keep doing the shit they were doing and could not give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of it. This is a SOCIAL game. If you are playing a social game, and everyone in it thinks you suck assholes and see you as a cheater, a liar, and all around douchebag, and the only people in the game who like you are all the other douchebags who got caught for similar stuff and everyone hates, maybe, just maybe, it's time to quit.
40.Gear that is either heavily camped or costs a million gil that you will use from level 32 to 39.
41.People who fill up forums with either how-to guides or requests for advice on how to level a job from 1-18 or 1-30 or 1-40 or some other cheesy shit. How do you level any job from 1-40? Play it for a week. Yeah, but what gear do I need? Fuck it. Something cheap. Yeah, but what food should I use? Who gives a shit? Yeah, but what should I be doing in parties? Use your fucking common sense. White mage? OH GEE! I GUESS MAYBE YOU SHOULD HEAL PEOPLE. Paladin? OH, I DUNNO, MAYBE GET SOME DEFENSIVE GEAR AND TRY TO KEEP HATE. Monk? PUNCH SHIT. Stop being retarded. You almost certainly know what needs to be done, so just fucking do it.
42.While I like levelling up a job without breaking the bank, new gear gives you something to look forward to, so I hate jobs where you get some rinky-dink piece of gear at like level 14 that can be crafted by someone with level 12 bonecrafting and costs like 2000gil, and it's indisputably the BEST thing that can go in that slot until nearly the end game.
43.Gear like Dune Boots, Carbuncle Mitts, Rostrum Pumps and Galliard Trousers that have great stats and look like total newb wear. Seriously, SE? You really couldn't be bothered to make a new model for the best boots Monk can equip, so you used a model for level 7 Leather boots?
44. Uncreative, unoriginal character names. Any name that incorporates any other following: Dark, Death, Shadow, Sesshomaru, Sephiroth, Cloud, Alexander, Angel, Master, Anything-X, Ragnarok, etc. Lilchamp, Lilbuster, Lilbully, Lilstomper, LilANYTHING.
Fucking 16 of them online at 2:30am. Jesus fucking shit.
45. The "Party or stagnate" phenomenon that is a result of the way partying and XP were designed. Either you party, or you try to solo and probably get annihilated and definitely get shitty XP. Essentially, almost all parties need a tank, a healer, a refresher/enfeebler/enhancer and an assortment of damage dealers. The problem is that there's often nobody seeking a party at your level with one of the jobs you need to form a functional party, and there's almost always WAY too many damage dealers. The other end of the spectrum is that if you are levelling a tank job or a healer job, a party only really needs one of either, and more than one will slow down XP. So you might be seeking a party all fucking day, or spending all day waiting for people with the right jobs at the right level to log on and be willing to party. You're a Paladin seeking? Nobody needs a paladin? Tough shit for you. You're a melee DD with the best gear available? Hang out in Whitegate with the other 8 melee DD's your level who want a party. Add to this the fact that even with good parties at the mid to higher levels, you might take several hours to get a single level, and soloing a level might take upwards of a few days, and you're pretty screwed if you can't get fast invites to great parties that last a long time.
46. BCNM / KSNM ripoffs. You start collecting Kindred Seals. As the weeks and months roll by, you see the stack get bigger and bigger, and imagine that once you get 99 of them, you can take your linkshell to do a KS99 run. Finally, after a couple of months of levelling, you have enough seals and trade them in for an orb. 18 people in your linkshell set aside a time to do your KS99 run. You go on Lightsday at 100% Full Moon. The potential exists for you and your linkshell to make a few million gil, or perhaps acquire some near-priceless item, to be split up according to your agreements. You trade the orb, everyone enters. Everyone shows their skill, a few people die, but you win. You click the Armoury Crate... 2 Mahogany logs, 1 Petrified log, a Oblation Abjuration, a Wyvern Scale, an Iron Ore, a Phoenix Feather, an INT Potion, a Demon Horn, a Ram Horn... Congratulations! You just got FUCKED.
47.People who flood FFXI forums with crying and complaining every time there's a even a minor update that doesn't include their job getting something major and game breaking. "Well, it looks like SE FUCKED US AGAIN! Sundi vaguely alluded to summoners getting 'something' 'soon,' but we didn't get Bahamut as a summonable avatar in this update, so he's FULL OF SHIT! It's like SE has it out for us summoners! GOD! Why do I even play this game?! WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" Seriously, why do you even play this game? Stop. And stop flooding forums with your bitchy whining.
48.People on FFXI forums who can't answer a question like "Which is better, Axe A or Axe B?" without showing their college level math. Okay, you're nerds. We get it. It looks like one of those equations that astronomers would use to determine that Asteroid 469A127 will crash into Ganymede in the year 7312 at 4:35:21 GMT in the afternoon, with the force of the impact altering Ganymede's orbit around Jupiter by 0.000000002457 degrees. You don't need to show us some giant trigonometric equation. Just answer A or B, asshole.
49.Look, if the last word in your job name is "mage," and the first word is not "blue," GET THE FUCK OFF THE FRONT LINE, IDIOT! That goes triple for Summoners.
50. People who farm or craft NEVER, who do nothing but talk about wanting some amazing and outlandish piece of gear that it's improbable you would ever be able to afford to buy even if you did nothing but farm and craft for 17 hours a day, 365 days a year simultaneously on four accounts for a year.
51. People whose gear is 99% dogshit and 1% rediculously amazing. I am looking at a level 75 Thief. His gear is as follows: Gully, Empress Hairpin, NQ Scorpion Harness, Dragon Leggings, Life Belt, Spinel Ring x2, NQ Amemet Mantle, AF1 Hands, AF1Legs, Coral Earring x2, NQ Heavy Crossbow...... KRAKEN CLUB. FUCK YOU!
52. SE one day decided, "Hmmmm, Gil sellers seem to be monopolizing NMs like Roc, Simurgh and King Arthro, and then they drive up the prices on their drops, and the only people who can afford to buy them are probably gil buyers. Fuck this, let's make their main drops Rare/Ex. That'll stick it to those RMT assholes!" They forgot one little thing.... Those NMs also drop very expensive crafting items. So now instead of the RMT's monopolizing Strider Boots, Speed Belts and Healing Staves, now they're out there still attempting to monopolize those NM's, but since the main drops are monopolized, but not even in the market. So now you have fucking RMT USING velocious belts, while regular players STILL have to compete against RMT just like before. How about this. Why not just FUCKING PAY ATTENTION to who the gil sellers are, AND FUCKING KICK THEM OUT OF THE GAME? There are rank 10 gil sellers with god gear, rajas rings and AF2 that have been on my sever for fucking YEARS. Paying the slightest bit of attention would have gotten rid of these scum bags a long time ago. I mean, all the PLAYERS can tell who the RMT's are. Why can't SE? SE should know better than the players when there's some characters who have been killing the same NM's in Quicksand Caves over and over and over and never even leaving the zone and handing all the drops to courier characters for 432 hours solid without logging off once. I mean, gee. It wouldn't be a dead giveaway that there's 18 characters always in alliance who are at EVERY HNM camp, who do nothing all day but make money, yet all their gear is either cheap or free, with no linkshell, and many of them have subjobs that are gimped by 10+ levels, and have names like Happyday, Happysky, Happygame, Gamehappy, Happygirl, Happyboy, Happymoon, Moongame, Moonsky, Gamegirl, Happyluck, Luckboy, Luckgirl, Luckmoon, Moongirl, Luckgame, Luckhappy and Lucksky, but if you report them, SE says, "Ummmmm, what evidence do you have that they are engaged in RMT activities?" Oh, gee. No evidence at all. There just happens to be 10 black mages here, all on autofollow, all level 75 in Seer's gear, all the exact same model tarutaru, with nothing in any of their belt, cape, ring or earring slots, and they all have believable names like Fsvmh, Gxrmh, Pkxzb, Trgfm, Lkznm, etc. and they all cast the exact same nukes at the exact same moment. That's not fishy at all. They're probably all legitimate players. OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES!
53. People who have been playing almost every day since the NA release who are just about to ding 62 on their highest level job.
54. People who either don't know an NM's spawn terms, don't understand game mechanics, or otherwise are just shitty at claiming, who think that since you can claim against them, you must be botting. Like at Mee Deggi, the placeholder is easy to spot, and easy to time. A simple kitchen timer can be used to know when the placeholder or NM will pop. "What the fuck! Bullshit, man! You pop flee and then the NM pops 5 seconds later? Fucking hacker asshole."
55. People who are camping against you for some NM, and it's perfectly obvious what you're both there for, who get chatty and start asking questions. "Hey.... Whatcha doin'? You camping the NM? Do you speak English? ...... You know, it wouldn't hurt you to answer me. Have you been here long? Do you know when the NM popped last? Oh, is that the placeholder that you're fighting right there?"
56. Blatantly obvious gil buyers. They play maybe three or four days a week, have maybe a couple of crafts around level 20, don't seem to farm, maybe attend an event here and there, aren't really known for monopolizing high-ticket NM's.... and have a completed Relic Weapon, Kraken Club, Dusk Gloves and Trousers +1, Cerberus Mantle +1, Mahatma Cape, Speed Belt, Full Kaiser set, Herald's Gaiters that they bought, etc. etc. So recently this guy got banned for using a hacking application, which is retarded enough to begin with. Then he makes a new account and comes back. Two weeks after coming back, the guy is sporting full blue-box gear and a peacock charm. OH, NO! You definitely don't buy gil! Perish the thought!
57. People who join an endgame linkshell, who see that 99% of the linkshell is setting up for something that requires a lot of people, I.E. a king camp, linkshell Dynamis, Einherjar, etc. and see the spam in linkshell chat saying, "Come on people, we need everyone here," who think..... "Uhhhhhh.... but I'm camping Leaping Lizzie. I mean, I know i'm 75 on multiple jobs, and my linkshell needs me, and this event was on the linkshell message for the last week, but uhhh... I wanna kill this level 5 NM, so I'm gonna pretend to not see what's going on in the linkshell. Maybe they'll think I'm AFK. Then after I get claim a couple times, I'll probably go level my level 34 Dancer. Of course, when we're fighting an NM I want a drop from, I'll be front and center, and I damn well better get to lot, too, maybe even uncontested." Yeah, I saw your character running around Lizzie camp on my mule while we all waited for your ass, cock eater.
58. Douches who you can always depend on to say something shitty, regardless of what's going on. Someone completes a relic weapon, they will be there to shout in Whitegate and post on forums about how big of a gil buyer that person is. Someone gets a Kraken Club, E Body, Ridill, etc, they will be there to shout in Whitegate and post on forums about how it's a waste for such a crappy player to get such a neat item. Someone's account is hacked, they will be there to shout in Whitegate and post on forums about how it's the person's own fault that the account got hacked and that the person got pwned.
59. Retarded power-nuking Black Mages. Since the introduction of melee-burn, lots of black mages have felt excluded from regular XP parties, and have often had to resort to soloing and mana-burn parties. Want to know why you're excluded? Let me explain. NOT EVERYTHING IS A MANABURN PARTY. You aren't playing for 4 other BLM's and a BRD who all depend on you nuking shit as hard as you can as soon as the mob is pulled. Doing this in a regular mixed melee/mage party will get your ass killed. I partied with this retard today who didn't get this. The party pulls an IT mob. As soon as it is in range, the BLM/RDM casts Gravity on it. He then pops his heaviest nuke on it, followed immediately by stun. The rest of the fight is basically him running around, the melees chasing the mob all over, and then as soon as the melees regain control of the mob, he pops another heavy nuke on it, and the chase is on again, and I'm spamming cures on his retarded ass until I run out of mp and he dies, at which point, he gets mad and says, "DAMN! HAVEN'T ANY OF YOU HEARD OF PROVOKE?" The other end of these guys are the retards who power-bomb HNMs and cause wipes and spike flails and shit. Hey, asshole, You nuke, the mob turns to you, you nearly get killed, and the alliance takes a ton of AOE damage that was directed at you, and then as soon as the tanks get hate back, you're popping Burst II. Stop fucking shit up. You can do a lot more damage if you're ALIVE and balancing your hate than you can by trying to pop crazy numbers on a single nuke.
60. People who XP as RDM/NIN or RDM/DRK. Uhhhh.... Do you see a Dynamis Lord somewhere around here? Are we going to sit back as you solo the XP mobs by blink tanking? No? Then get the right fucking sub, newb.
61. Jackass newbs who join some upstart HNM linkshell that can barely kill Simurgh without mass death, who for some unfounded reason decide that they're badasses and come to every HNM camp talking shit to all the well established and experienced linkshells, and regardless of who gets claim, as long as it's not them, they start shouting, "BOT! BOT!" as soon as the mob is claimed, and continue talking smack even well after the mob is killed.
62. More on supply and demand. Some items are hard to farm or hard to craft, are very good to have, and will generally make a seller a fair amount of money, particularly when the item is in relatively low supply, and usually sells quickly when listed on the auction house. Let's say the history price for an item that drops off an NM averages about 200k. You can look back several months on the history, and one usually sells about every three days, and is 250k on the high end and 180k on the low end. Usually you have to be fairly diligent about checking the AH, as the item sells fast for ~200k, and most of the time, there is not one listed. So I go out and spend time camping the NM, killing countless placeholders, and killing the NM a ton of times and finally get the drop. I go to the AH, and there are none listed. Last 10 or so sold for 200k. I list mine for 200k. Three days later, it comes back in my delivery box, unsold. What the fuck? So I go to relist it, and apparently a lot of people decided to farm this item, and then engage in a race to the bottom, trying to undercut each other so theirs sells first (the one listed lowest sells first, even if the buyer bids much higher than the listing price. For instance, if 10 of an item are listed, and one guy is selling the item for 1 gil, and the others are listing for 190k-250k, and a buyer bids 200k, the guy who listed for 1 gil gets 200k). So I look at the history. In the last three days, the price went from a consistent 200k to 90k to 75k to 60k in three fucking sales. So I just wasted the listing fee for a 200k item, since now, apparently buyers think 200k is a CRAZY amount to spend on a 60k item, even though it's been ~200k for months. So after trying for a week or two, I finally squeeze 80k out of the item, due to low supply. Of course, down the road, when I level a job that needs this item, and find myself in need of one, they are going for 850k and are so heavily camped by RMT that you can hardly expect to get claim ever.
63. Those 3-4 day stretches with unreasonable guild point items. Monday, your GP item gives 5000 points for three items, but it costs 70k to make them, Tuesday, you can get a total of 1200 points, and the item needed is inexpensive, but you have to turn in 72 of them, which ends up not being inexpensive, and not being worth the time, since you only get a measly 1200 points, Wednesday, the item isn't too terribly expensive considering you can get 6200 GP, but the synth requires you to have Goldsmithing sub at 60 and Clothcraft sub at 45, and there have not been any of the item sold on the AH since 2003, then Thursday, the GP item caps at 5000 points, for only three synths, but one of the ingredients needed for the synth sells about once every two months on the AH.
64. Dumbass patches. They reset the servers so all the HNMs pop in JP prime time for the next week, and give us a patch that takes 6 hours to download and install, once you finally get through their horrible update server error messages, and hopefully you will be able to stay connected long enough to get it or it will start ALL OVER, and the patch is nothing but a bunch of bullshit like "adjustments to adventuring fellows," "Adjustments to chocobo raising," "Adjustments to Einherjar (but not to make it easier or even slightly rewarding)," "Changed the title 'Crawler Culler' to 'Crawler-Culler,'" "Adjusted a very hard NM to be very hard again, now that a few people figured out how to make it slightly less than impossible," "Banned 83793873987 gil sellers, but of course, every gil seller you can think of is still there, so they're probably just lying to try to make people happy," "Adjusted our legal agreement so you can no longer sue us for things that you probably should be able to sue us for," "Corrected an issue where you could make decent gil if you expended a fair amount of time, effort, hard work, and ingenuity, so now you cannot make any gil in this manner, because previously it made the game seem rewarding, and we want to maintain it in as unrewarding a state as possible," "Despite the fact that this is the 27th patch since introducing the jobs of Blue Mage, Puppetmaster and Corsair, and the 14th patch since introducing Dancer and Scholar, we will not be including AF2 for these jobs in this upcoming patch, or at least the next 22 patches," "Added new sets of armor and new weapons, which are all very expensive and labor intensive to get, but are only situationally useful 2% of the time over existing gear," "Adjusted enmity generated by certain spells or abilities, so they generate less enmity, since previously it seemed useful to use them for that purpose, and we don't want you to have useful abilities."
65. Videogame Girlfriends. You know what the only thing more hilariously pathetic that not ever having a girlfriend is? Sitting on the beach in Bibiki Bay as the sun rises, in a cuddling position WITH ANOTHER VIDEOGAME CHARACTER. I mean, if this is as close as you get to getting laid, just kill yourselves. I mean, I know this game has a social element, but mostly so you can party with people and kill monsters, not get blue balls while talking to a girl who is probably about as petite, feminine and cute as Andre the Giant.
66. More on dumbass undercutters. It's one thing to undercut people on NM drops, but it's another thing entirely to undercut people on crafted items, particularly HQ crafted items. There is an item that I can craft where the materials for 6 synths costs 10k. Previously, I could break even on NQ synths, and get about 4k profit each on HQ's. This is a pretty reasonable profit, albeit slow money, as only about 4-5 of the HQ item will sell on the AH per day. So what do retards do? They load up the AH with 20 of these things, and mark them down to 1.5k each (with the NQ, which sells even slower, marked down to 200). SO EVEN IF YOU HQ THE SYNTH, YOU LOSE MONEY. GOOD JOB, ASSHOLES
67. People who have four or more level 75 jobs who cry and complain when they don't get to be first lot on all of them, particularly over people whose main job is first lot for an item. "But, but, but, why can't I be first lot on Byakko's Haidate, Novio Earring, Shair Manteel, Riddil, Bahamut's Mask, Dalmatica, Herald's Gaiters AND Homam body? This is bullshit!"
68. The "HQ or lose big" factor in crafting. You spend millions of gil to level a craft. After months of crafting and hunting down or paying out the ass for rare ingredients, you finally reach level 100. So you're gonna be right now, huh? Welllllll, maybe. See, you have essentially spent millions of gil on a lottery ticket. That's because a lot of gear that you can craft now is made of very expensive ingredients, and the biggest potential money makers are high level synths. So.... you buy some rare ingredients, say, a cerberus hide, and you craft it, hoping to get an HQ. Now, either you will HQ it, and be fucking loaded, of you will NQ it, and lose several hundred thousand gil... and chances are pretty fucking slim that you will HQ it, and worse, you might break it, and then you lose millions.
69. People who put forth Z E R O effort and then cry because they have been left behind on missions.
70. Another instance of SE not getting it: RMT has miner characters that will just stand around in dungeons all day mining. They'll just stick one at every mining point in a mine, and grab the spots as they pop. Generally, to not get aggro in a place like Gusgen, a character has to be in their upper 30's at least. So SE decided to "fix" RMT mining.... by making it impossible to mine with a character under level 20. OH BOY! YOU REALLY GOT THEM! And let's say, for instance that RMT are actually using level 1 characters to mine, which they probably aren't anyway, as having a bunch of dead miners would just waste their time. What would it take the RMT to grind a character from 1-20? 5-6 hours? WOW, SE! YOU NAILED IT!
71. Retards who have never been in a strong linkshell, and likely, will never be in a decent linkshell, who think they can rip on really good linkshells. "Pffft. You're in that linkshell where most of the members are pretty much done in Sky, Sea, Limbus, Nyzul, and several have completed relics, Maat caps, Salvage pieces, etc? They suck! lol!"!
72. The way SE was apparently completely oblivious to RMT farmers for like 5 years. "Waaaaait a second..... It seems that there are dozens of illegitimate characters in shitty gear with names like Fxrpghq on every server that do nothing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week but make money by monopolizing NM's, and then passing all the gil to bank characters who then distribute the gil in large even sums of millions to characters that are very well geared despite an apparent lack of taking time or making an effort to make gil... Could it be that all those thousands of GM calls complaining of gil sellers weren't lying?!"
The fact that about 95% of the time, someone who says, "I don't have time to deal with other people's drama," are, themselves, completely characterized by being a huge mess of their own drama. You don't have time because you can't even handle your own.
The fact that about 95% of the time, someone who says, "You know me, I don't like to complain," is someone who complains incessantly about fucking everything.
Girls who learn to pole dance and try to separate its origins from what they're doing. "This isn't something risque, it's just a lot of fun and good exercise." Oh, so pole dancing has nothing whatsoever to do with strippers, huh? You just HAPPEN to be wearing vinyl go-go boots with three inch platforms and you just HAPPEN to be holding yourself up with your ass cheeks. How many calories do you burn when you slide the pole between your tits like that?
Videogames where your enemies are impervious to environmental hazards that would kill you if you ran through them. Like, I understand the concept of a lava monster that lives in lava and is made of lava, and is, hence, not negatively affected by being in lava, but if a bunch of human soldiers are running through a mine field to get me, a mine field, which, if I ran through it would kick my ass, some of those assholes had better lose a leg or there's some bullshit going on.
People who send me an instant message on AIM or whatever, like this...
<Grokmonkey> Hey Neg, guess what man. I got some news you're gonna like.
<Negposorg> What's up?
(A few minutes pass)
<Negposorg> Hello?
(A couple more minutes pass)
*Grokmonkey has signed off*
And then I don't hear from them ever again.
<Grokmonkey> Hey Neg, guess what man. I got some news you're gonna like.
<Negposorg> What's up?
(A few minutes pass)
<Negposorg> Hello?
(A couple more minutes pass)
*Grokmonkey has signed off*
And then I don't hear from them ever again.
People who need to use an electrical outlet who unplug something of yours, who then don't plug it back when they're done. So you have your cell phone plugged into a charger that isn't plugged in, then you go to put it back on your belt clip, and look at it, and it's dead. "What the fuck?"
Preachers who make that idiotic sound at the end of every few words. SO THEY'LL BE PREACHING-AHH, AND THEY'RE GETTING VERY EXCITED-AHH, AND THEY START MAKING-AHH, THIS DUMBASS SOUND-AHH, WITH THEIR MOUTH-AHH, THAT IS SO FAKE-AHH, AND REHEARSED-AHH, AND TONS OF PREACHERS DO IT-AHH. SERIOUSLY-AHH, WHAT THE FUCK-AHH, DO YOU THINK-AHH, YOU ARE ADDING-AHH, TO YOUR DUMBASS MESSAGE-AHH, BY ADDING-AHH, A STUPID, FORCED SOUND-AHH, THAT IS SO OBVIOUSLY CONTRIVED-AHH, AND FAKE-AHH? I mean really, you KNOW you're doing it. At what point in your career as a preacher did you say, "Hmmm, my sermons need something. Hmmm. That preacher I saw on public access was making a ridiculous 'AHH' sound at the end of every few words, and his congregation of dumbass sheep was getting pretty pumped up. Maybe I should just start doing that during my sermon on Sunday. Surely my congregation won't think i've lost my mind and am just being a fraud."
Today I overheard someone say "Janjuary." Oh, and uhhh... I didn't mishear it, because I was standing right next to her and she said it twice. Jan-ju-ary.... No, no... She was a native English speaker.... Yep... Janjuary. Just something I heard..... That's all...... *Brain explodes*
Today I got in a debate with this Christian who used the Gregorian Calendar as EVIDENCE of the truth of Christianity. "Just look at a calendar. What YEAR does it say it is?" (Sideways smile.) Look. All that is evidence of is that the people who made the calendar were Christians. Beyond that, 2007 is a totally arbitrary number. It's like the celcius temperature scale. It's based on the physical properties of water. Water boils at 100 degrees celcius and freezes at 0. This doesn't prove some farout cosmic truth. It just means that whoever decided to make the celcius temperature scale decided to base it on water. IT'S NOT LIKE GOD CAME DOWN AND SAID, "LOOK AT MY PDA! SEE? IT'S FEBRUARY 24, 1582! FIGURE THE REST OUT!" If anything, Catholics just took the Julian Calendar, stuck Jesus' supposed birthday in there, and named the calendar after the Pope Gregory XIII. WOW! THAT'S SO SCIENTIFIC!
Idiots who think that being an atheist means "You don't believe in anything." Uh, fuck you. I believe in plenty. I just tend not to believe in unprovable and highly unlikely things like God, the Easter bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. I believe in different things than you do. Does your disbelief in the things I believe in mean you don't believe in anything? Of course not. What really pissed me off was seeing a news clip of Christians complaining about atheists' complaints that they were being persecuted. The Christians' main argument was that they were justified in persecuting atheists for their beliefs since atheists didn't believe in anything, so it's not actually religious persecution, and thus, is completely constitutional. Other excuses that they used which are 100% bullshit were: "Freedom of religion doesn't mean freedom from religion," "This is a Christian nation," "All morals come from God so atheists have no morals," "Love can only come from God, so atheists don't know how to love," "So they want to take 'Under God' out of the Pledge of Allegiance. Where does it end?" They also complained that a public school was made to say a Muslim prayer at a football game since a Christian prayer was also said, implying that Muslims do not, and should not, have the same rights as Christians in America. Also, keep in mind that this point was made during a discussion about atheists in America, implying that Muslims are atheists. This was on the Paula Zahn show, which is on CNN, and this even-handed news channel chose as its panel for this discussion: a hardcore Christian supremacist, another hardcore Christian supremacist, and as the voice of reason, a Christian who says basically "I disagree strongly with what Atheists are all about, but maybe they have the right to express some of their opinions.... maybe."
Assholes who make some sloppy, home-recorded amateurish remix of a song, and then distribute it on the internet as a "rare, unreleased remix," as though it's somehow an official release that the band that played the original song had a fucking thing to do with. What's worse is fucktards who download the song, listen to it, don't notice that it just sounds like some asshole chopped it up in Soundforge and then REDISTRIBUTE IT.
Here's the correct chain of events.
1. Some retard splices a Nine Inch Nails song together with chunks of an Amon Tobin Song.
2. Download bullshit song.
3. Press Play.
4. 15 seconds into song, go, "What kind of fucking bullshit is this?"
5. Delete file.
Incorrect chain of events:
1. Some retard splices a Nine Inch Nails song together with chunks of an Amon Tobin Song.
2. Download bullshit song.
3. Listen to song.
4. Bob head to the beat.
5. Copy it to iPod.
6 . Listen to it frequently.
7. Upload torrent to share this amazing find with others.
The only way to redeem oneself from step 7 is:
8. Kill self before dumb genetic material reenters the gene pool.
Companies that see some other company that has a really great business idea or model that makes them almost instantly hugely successful, who then try to copy the idea and make their own business that offers a very similar service that is not nearly are good. For instance, Netflix popped up, and offered a service where you pay a very reasonable monthly fee, and they ship you DVD's in about one day, and include a means for you to return them postage-paid, and they will send you 3 or 4 DVD's at a time with no late fees, etc. and they have a fucking ass-ton of movies. (I don't mean to plug, but I seriously think they kick ass.) Then about a year later, some other company pops up that offers a through-the-mail DVD rental service where you pay about what you would pay at Netflix, but they have 25% as many movies, will send you one DVD at a time, gets movies to you in 4-5 days, has tons of hassles like not shipping your orders, acting like they didn't receive your returns when they actually did, and you have to stamp the envelope for your returns. WHY BOTHER? I mean, seriously, you're supposed to be the COMPETITION, so COMPETE. There should be a reason why you get customers other than because people didn't do any research and picked the wrong company.
Children who don't understand concepts like, "Don't pick the dog up by its tail."
Parents who don't understand concepts like why someone would yell at their child for picking the dog up by its tail and don't immediately take over the role of person yelling at the child picking the dog up by its tail, but instead think you are a horrible person for making their retarded child cry.
I remember when I was a kid I had a pet turtle. One of my little sister's friends was over. They were both about five. I saw the kid walk over to the aquarium and there was an instant panic reaction. It was as though I could see the future for a moment and caught a glimpse of my turtle hurtling towards the ground. The kid picked up the turtle, and I tried to hold back and give the kid the benefit of the doubt. "Be careful. Don't drop it," I said. Anyone who has ever picked up a turtle knows that a healthy one will always do one of two things. Either it will hide in its shell, or it will squirm and try to make you let it go. My turtle did the latter. Five seconds after he picked up the turtle, my clairvoyant vision proved to be true, and there was my turtle with a cracked shell writhing in pain on the cement back porch of my house. At this point I stopped holding back and did what most pet owners would do in a situation where some dumbass has inflicted a potentially fatal wound to their pet. I flipped out. Later, I was told that the kid's parents would no longer let him come to our house because I was mean. Uhh, fine. Fuck you. GOOD. Don't come over, dumbass. I wish you had never come over in the first place and hurt my pet. Better yet, why don't you come over so I can drop you on the back porch from 20 times your height to see if you like it.
Non-spammer spammers on Myspace. You know these people, and I'm not talking about Jen, Mindy, Tara, Michelle, Stacey, and Cassie, who all have 1 friend each and all sent you friend requests in a span of fourteen seconds with pics of them in thongs on webcams with identical porn-site links in their profiles. I'm talking about people who are in a band, or are comedians, or have online auctions, or are promoting a nightclub, who request you as a friend, and they seem legit, then you accept, and three times a day you get a bulletin about how to download their songs, buy t-shirts in their store, bid on stuff on Ebay, see them at such-and-such nightclub next week, etc. Can you say, "Delete from friends"?
People who hear that Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia steal jokes, and are then shown undeniable evidence, who then retort with, "Stop crying about it. Those guys are making millions and have tons of fans. I like Mencia's version better anyway. Don't cry just because you're jealous. You're just a bunch of haters." Uhhh.... FUCK you. Those guys are making millions on STOLEN JOKES. Maybe, just MAYBE, the people who should be enjoying that success are the people who WROTE and first performed those fucking jokes.
Girls who wear shoes that are obviously too small. Okay, so you have huge feet like a seven foot tall man, but you are not making it less obvious by wearing shoes that look like they could explode off your feet at any second. Look. You're wearing open toed shoes, and every one of your not-so little piggies is hanging off the front of the shoes and is on the cement. WRONG.
Clients who expect, nay, DEMAND personal service for simple things that would be faster and easier, for both the client and the service provider, if they just placed the order automatically.
The client goes to my company's webpage, skips past the "Order Form" link and goes straight to the "How to contact us" link.
"Hi, uhh, hello. Hi. Is this Chompy Catering? Hi. Okay. How are you today? I was, uhh, hoping maybe I could talk to someone about booking an, uhh, event. Yeah, uh, I have some bushiness associates coming into town, and, uhh, we were going to have a, uhh, meeting on, uhh, August 12th. Oh, uh, it's going to be on the uhh, 11th floor. Oh, uhh, in conference room C. Uhhhh.... Well, we were hoping maybe to get some refreshments, and uhh, what? Oh, at 8am. Well, it's kinda early so we were thinking maybe we could get some, oh, I donno... maybe some coffee, maybe some bottled water, and uhhh, do you have danishes? How about bagels? Do you have doughnuts? What about croissants? Hmmm.... Maybe we'll just get some bagels. Oh, uhh, it'll be for four people. No, no china. Paper and plastic is fine. Is that all you need? Oh, uhh, I'll be the host, so you can, uhh, put it under Joe Blow... J as in Janet, O as in Omelette, E as in, uhhhhhhhh Ear, B as in Boy, L as in.... uhhhh Loser, O as in Optical, W as in, uhhhh, Weenie. Huh? Oh, the cost center is 4325. That's it? So will you send me like a confirmation email? Okay, thanks!"
Yeah, thanks. Now that I'm done with your staggeringly demanding order for coffee, water and bagels for four, for two months from now, I can call the CEO's assistant back so we can have another planning meeting for that cocktail and dinner for 350 people next week. Hopefully she has picked out which wines, linen, china, silverware, glassware, flowers, background music, candles, hors d' oeuvres, cocktail food stations, appetizer, salad, main course choices and dessert and audio-visual equipment she wants.
Meanwhile, you could have just fucking hit the website, clicked "Order form," and then typed Joe Blow, tab, 4325, tab, 4, clicked calendar, Aug 12, tab, 8am, tab, down arrow, 11th floor, tab, down arrow, C, then clicked Coffee, Water, Bagels, and SUBMIT, and not only would you have been DONE, but you would have instantly gotten a confirmation, and I would have received a completed order sheet AUTOMATICALLY. Welcome to the fucking modern age, asshole.
I am currently sitting across from a woman who is about 35 years old. She is wearing a tank top with a low neckline to show her cleavage... which is covered in a forest of curly, black chest hair.
Paranoid fucks who think you're following them in areas where you really don't have any option other than to keep walking behind them. Of course, the only other option would be to maybe run past them, but that would almost definitely seem more crazy than just walking behind them, and they'd probably start screaming or maybe stab you.
Like today, I was standing in the elevator bank at work. waiting to go to the second floor. There was this other guy there and he kept looking at me. The elevator came and I got in and pressed 2. The other guy was also going to 2 and I guess he didn't feel that the 2 was sufficiently lit up so he pressed again. "Oh shit! He's going to my floor!"
The elevator stopped at 2 and we got off. I was going to the east side of the building. "Oh shit! I'm going to the east side too!" What are the odds of both of us going to the east side? Pretty good, since about 80% of everything of note on that floor is east of the elevator bank. From the elevator bank, there's a long hallway, with literally nowhere to turn off except men's and women's restrooms. Since I wasn't going to the restroom, that put me behind this guy for about 50 feet, and about every 10 feet he would half stop, look over his shoulder and give me a "What the fuck? Are you following me?" look.
GET HELP! Nobody is following you..... you paranoid shithead who I am going to sneak up on and strangle with piano wire as I buttrape your mouth and put my diseases in you.
People who still think putting a Dilbert comic on their cubicle is edgy.
While I retain a deep hatred of flyer assholes, the ones that really piss me off are the ones with attitudes. Today I was walking down the street when I saw fliers scattered all around on the sidewalk where people had thrown them down. Standing at the radius of this circle of litter was this guy with a stack of fliers in his hand looking at me and moving in to cut me off. Almost all flyer fucks do this to basically block your way so they can literally shove their flyer for "20% off men's suits" or "Flashdancers" or "Free shave with a haircut" or some other crap in your hand. It's like being flyer raped.
So I see this guy and do what I normally do. I stare straight ahead as though he isn't there, and don't say a word as I walk past him. This guy, however, was deeply offended that I was uninterested in whatever dogshit he was trying to foist on me. HOW DARE I?
"Pssssht! Whatever, dick!"
"Oh really? What am I missing out on?" The guy looked really confused. "What's the flyer for?"
"Huh? Uhhh, it's a latin band promo."
"Oh, so you're giving me shit for not taking your ad for some crappy band that I couldn't give two shits about? Fuck you."
"Fuck YOU!" The guy looked almost as pissed off as he looked confused.
"All you're doing is creating litter, idiot. Get a real job."
He was a gifted wordsmith. "Uhhh.. Pfff Tsss FUCK YOU!" he shouted as I walked away.
Fuckheads who want to start a mosh pit at EVERY concert. I can fully understand why a pit would happen at a Ministry concert, but if you're seeing Orbital you need to calm the fuck down.
People who go to a concert where there definitely will be a mosh pit, who stand right near the front, right in the middle, and then get bitchy when people around them don't behave.
Recently, I saw Skinny Puppy live. It was the third time I've seen them live. Skinny Puppy is very energetic, very loud, very theatrical, and EXTREMELY noisy. It's a given that there will be a pit at Skinny Puppy. It would actually be really strange if there wasn't. Huge mosh pits turned out to be three for three.
So I'm right near the front, and next to me is this girl who is trying to make out with her boyfriend more than she's really trying to watch the show. So they play Tin Omen, which gets the crowd pumped up, and a huge wave of people surges forward and presses me against this chick and her boyfriend. At this point, I'm basically just trying to stay on my feet and not fall down. Then this bitch starts honking at me. "OH MY GOD! GET THE FUCK OFF ME! GOD! WHAT THE FUCK!"
I'm like, "I'm sorry! What can I do?" And seriously, I have the weight of a few hundred people pushing me forward. So sorry for not being physically able to to stand like the The Rock of Gibraltar as the wave of bodies breaks against me. Should I just stand up straight and hold them back so I don't touch precious Princess Ragsalot? If you don't want to be pushed in the middle of a pit, get the fuck out of it. We all paid the same amount for our tickets. The additional price of the best view in the house is being jostled around a bit. Tough shit. Realize where the fuck you are.
Skim Milk. Seriously, fuck that shit. And while we're at it, fuck the sliced melon and yogurt for breakfast crowd. I never was one of those steak, bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy breakfast guys, but if you're going to eat a 14 calorie meal for breakfast, just don't eat. There's no point.
Below is a list of things that milk was never meant to be:
Translucent
Blue-Grey
Thin
Watery
Flavorless
Nonfattening
Consumed by women who are average height and 92 pounds who think they are fat.
Milk is a fatty substance and always has been. Think about what it is and where is comes from. It is a fatty substance, which comes from a fatty animal that weighs three quarters of a ton, that is a food source for its fatty, quarter-ton offspring... SO IT CAN PUT ON WEIGHT AND GROW.
If you are still insistent on drinking this weird shit, the least you can do is save some money. A quart of skim milk costs $1.99. However, a quart of whole milk also costs $1.99. First, take eight empty gallon milk jugs. Next, pour 1/8 of a whole milk quart in each of the eight jugs. Finally, fill the jugs the rest of the way with cold water. WOW! You just got eight gallons of skim milk for $1.99! Now you can take that money you saved and shove it up your ass!
Adults who seriously act like three year olds. The other day I saw this girl arguing with her boyfriend. Of course, there was copious yelling and foot stamping, but then she did something truly hilarious. She threw her Blackberry phone on the sidewalk and broke it. YEAH, BREAKING A 500 DOLLAR PHONE WILL DEFINITELY FIX THE PROBLEM AND MAKE YOU HAPPY!
I was already pissed off enough that Paris Hilton was released from jail three days into her 45 day sentence, then, as always, Al Sharpton had to go and make me even madder.
"It had all the appearances of economic and racial favoritism. I think it's another glaring display of how race and money seem to get different treatments. There seems to me a different criminal justice system for some than others."
While his horrible grammar by itself is enough to make my eye twitch, and I do agree that her celebrity and wealth were almost definitely factors in her release, I want to sit Al down and explain something that he doesn't seem to ever understand. NOT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS EVERYWHERE EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY ON THE PLANET EARTH IS A CONSPIRACY WITH THE EXPRESS INTENT OF OPPRESSING BLACK PEOPLE. I mean, I know that's your shtick and all, but Paris Hilton getting out of jail early has about as much to do with black people as the price of orange juice has to do with the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Regardless of her race, if she was a white blonde girl, or arab or chinese or black or hispanic or indian or whatever, if Paris Hilton had all her wealth and celebrity, I have no doubt the outcome would have been exactly the same.
Opening bands at concerts that are so bad that it seems like the only reasons they were picked is to be endured as a test of the headliner's fans' dedication, and because they couldn't possibly upstage the headliner.
People who still act like crop circles have some sort of unearthly origin. Hey, assholes. The people who were making them came clean years ago, and they even showed how to make them. IT WASN'T UFO'S, RETARDS, SO STOP ACTING LIKE THERE'S SOME DEEP SIGNIFICANCE. At best, you could call crop circles art, or maybe a prank. It would also be fair to call them a HOAX.
Somewhat specialty consumer goods, for instance things like headset microphones, that operate on the following quality/pricing scale:
A.) Beyond horrible. Absolutely useless and obviously very cheaply made. Lifespan varies somewhere between 2 months and dead right out of the box. Without a doubt you will be disappointed in the functionality, durability, appearance and reliability. You could not find a worse product if you tried. -- $12.50
B.) A slight step up in quality. It's still basically a cheap piece of shit, but it kind of does what it's supposed to in a half-assed kind of way. It's still pretty much guaranteed to break in under a year of normal use. It looks a little better than category A. -- $37.99
C.) This category has quality ranging anywhere from A to B, but because it's made by some snooty brand like Bose, Sony, etc. it costs a lot more than is justified. It could be a completely sub-functional piece of garbage, but people will buy it and fanboys will write glowing reviews on Amazon, all because of the brand name. Aesthetically, they're awesome. Too bad you can't hear how they look. -- $110.00
D.) The tip of the professional grade iceberg. Usually this is made by some company that the vast majority of consumers has not heard of. This definitely does what it's supposed to do, and does it very well. Fashion takes a back seat to function, but who cares, because it functions extremely well and is very durable. If you buy it, you can pretty well rest assured that you will get years of good use out of it. The downside is that to finally get something that's worth buying at all, you have to pay out the ass. -- $280.00
People who, when they are inconvenienced in a tiny way, act as though you have committed some atrocity against their family.
"Do you have any poppy seed bagels?"
"Sorry, we ran out. We have plain, whole wheat, pumpernickel, sesame seed, onion, cinnamon raisin and everything bagels."
"Pfff, but, but I WANTED A POPPY SEED BAGEL! GOD, THIS COMPANY IS A PIECE OF CRAP. ALL I WANTED WAS A POPPY SEED BAGEL! IS THAT SO HARD? ANSWER ME! I'M GOING TO EMAIL YOUR SUPERIORS, AND IF THERE ARE NO POPPY SEED BAGELS TOMORROW THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY!"
Inconsistent security bullshit.
Like sometimes when I bring someone into the building at work, security wants me to escort them, and they want their driver's license, passport, birth certificate, credit report, police record, FBI file, fingerprints, a blood sample, a hair sample and an imprint of their teeth.
Other times someone just shows up in my office. "How did you get in?"
"They just let me in."
Things that are obviously supposed to be refrigerated that say so on the package. Look. If you don't know that milk needs to be refrigerated, you're too stupid to read "Keep Refrigerated," and if you're that dumb, please don't refrigerate your milk because you deserve to be sick.
People who think they're making some kind of deep connection with people through completely unremarkable interests and experiences.
"Wow, you like 'The Godfather?' I love that movie! Wow!"
Here's a tip. About 99.999% of Americans have heard of, seen, and liked "The Godfather."
People in charge of making announcements who can't even speak English. This morning on the train:
"Dis Queenpwaza, tronfear to N, Dawbew. Nastop Core Hauza Squeer." (This is Queens Plaza, transfer to the N or W. Next stop: Court House Square.) I also liked when he referred to Grand Central as "Gron Cenreel."
Those moments when I get a song stuck in my head that I despise.
I was working on a meeting today and noticed the microphones at the head table.
The thought process went something like this.
"Hmm, I wonder how much that microphone costs.... Oh look, there's a sticker on it. Hmmm, 'King Cole Audio Rentals.' Old King Cole. Nat King Cole. Natalie Cole. Hmm, Natalie Cole sucks. Oh fuck, remember that horrible shit where she sang over her Dad's song? God, what a hack! And all those retards thought it was amazing, and they still play the stupid remake instead of the original song at wedding receptions and shit. I wonder if that bitch would even have a job if she actually had to write her songs..... That's why, darling, it's incredible, how someone so unforgettable, thinks that I am unforgettable tooooo FUCK FUCK FUCK!"
Two hour later...
"Like a song of love that clings to me, how the thought of you does things to me FUCKIN' FUCK!"
People who talk with their hands on the phone.
Motherfuckers who call me and CHEW THEIR FOOD IN MY EAR. Just what I need to brighten up my day. "Hi, smack smack, I just smack wanted to see glitch smack if you had any glick meeting rooms available smack smack for June 7th. Smack glick slop smack..."
FUCK you. That's goddamn disgusting. Do you want me to call you and put the phone directly against my asshole the next time I need to squeeze out a really drippy fart? You probably don't, and that's exactly how I feel about your smacky chewing noises.
People with the complete lack of instincts for self preservation needed to experiment with extremely addictive substances like crack and crystal meth. I mean, most people my age have probably tried pot, maybe LSD, mushrooms, etc, but it takes a special kind of stupid to get into meth. I mean seriously, what's the attraction. Are these people thinking, "I'm trying meth... This should turn out well." There's not a lot of glamour in a drug that makes you lose 100 pounds, makes your teeth disintegrate into little black rocks and makes a 23 year old look like a 75 year old in a year. I mean, I want to have sympathy, but fuck you. I think to myself, would I try something like that? NO. Of course not. Why not? Because I'm not retarded. I hate to say it, but crack and meth addicts really make me stop mourning the victims of Darwin's hit list. The strong survive. The weak say, "Sure, meth sounds like a load of laughs!" Fuck you.
Nerds that wear a black button-down shirt thinking it gives them that "formal, yet edgy" look, when in fact it just makes them look like more of a nerd, since only nerds do this. You want a bolo tie with that? Seriously, all this fashion statement says is, "I have a level 60 Druid." Sorry to break it to ya.
"Do you have any experience in this field?"
"No."
"Do you have any references?"
"No."
"Do you have any degrees?"
"No."
"Did you at least graduate from High School?"
"Uhhhh.... I dunno."
"You know what? That's okay because I'm a slimy dirtbag of a manager, and you're a pretty girl and that makes me horny. I'm going to give you the job because there's an extremely slim chance that you will realize I threw you a bone and then maybe you will fuck me. Of course, the odds of you fucking me are infinitesimal, but hey, I might as well give it a shot. You can start on Monday."
Automatic-stop faucets in restrooms where the function "don't waste water" far overrides the function "let people wash their hands." I, by far, am not one of these OCD people who washes and washes and washes his hands until they are raw, but I just washed my hands in a restroom and I had to restart the faucet FIVE times to wash my hands.
On a side note, OCD is definitely the funniest disorder ever. Sorry, but turning a light switch on and off fifty times to make sure it's off is pure comedy. I'm sorry, and I know people with OCD suffer, and if they suffered in a less hilarious way, I would be 100% sympathetic.
People who submit lyrics to lyrics database websites that are incorrect. Uhhh... If millions of people like a song, it's likely that a high proportion of them know the fucking words, and when they read your submission on the page, their response is going to be, "WHAT? WRONG!"
What's even dumber is when the lyrics appear in the album liner notes, and people don't just copy them over to the page, but instead write down the incorrect shit they think they hear.
Neckties that start disintegrating after you wear them a couple of times. I recently got a tie and the second time I wore it, I took off my jacket and noticed little bits of navy blue fuzz all over my shirt. After brushing it off, I saw that my tie was all furry looking. I pulled at the fur and it came off in my hand easily, leaving a spot on the tie with no navy blue in the pattern.
People who distribute video and music files on the internet in fucked up formats that often require you to install new media player programs. Look. Mp3. Avi. Mpg. That's all you fucking need. What's the fucking point of having eighty million different types of files that need eighty million different media programs to play. Let's see here. Here's a BHF file that only plays in MegaPlayer Pro, and here's a UBT file that only plays in Omni Media Center, and here's a GDO file that only plays in CineSpark Plus, and here's a MMX file that only plays in Media Maestro HD, and here's a URM file that only plays in PowerPlayer 9.0, and here's a FUK file that only plays in Sketchyplayer Adware DeliveryBot.
Here's some perspective. I wasn't interested enough in this movie enough to see it in the theatre. I wasn't interested enough to buy the DVD. I wasn't even interested enough to put it in my Netflix cue, among over 100 other movies that I just stuck in there in case they might be entertaining. I was barely interested enough to hit "download" and will probably end up watching 20 minutes of it out of the corner of my eye while I'm playing Final Fantasy and deleting it. Do you think I'm interested in it enough to install or even fucking BUY some stupid software just to watch it? HAH! Fuck you.
Drug testing in workplaces where safety and public health are not issues. Look. If people in your company operate a crane or pilot a 747 or perform open heart surgery, then fuck yes, your employees had better be clean, but if the most dangerous thing that happens in your workplace is putting the yellow forms in this filing cabinet and the pink forms in that filing cabinet, then fuck you, it's none of your fucking business what your employees do over the weekend.
I'm not saying everyone has to accept everyone else's worldview, but I have met people who can't even grasp the concept that other people even have very different ways of thinking. Here's a summary of a conversation I just had with a 40 year old man.
"So what's the deal with these guys who were plotting that attack on Fort Dix?"
"Basically some muslim radicals were going to try to kill as many American soldiers as possible."
"But... Don't they believe in the Ten Commandments?"
"Uhh... No."
"And they think they'll go to heaven?"
"Apparently."
"But that's stupid. If they suicide bomb, and die, they can't even pray to Jesus to forgive them, so how are they supposed to go to heaven?"
"Uhhh... I don't think they're too concerned about what Jesus has to say about it."
"But don't muslims believe in Jesus?"
"Well, they do, but he doesn't really have as much of a leading role in their book."
Here's one for everyone who has had the pleasure of working in foodservice.
Captain: "Chef, the people are arriving."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "The people are sitting down."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "We're going to take the order now."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "Okay, here are the orders."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "We're going to serve the appetizer now."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "All the apps are down."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "They're done with the apps. We're going to clear."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "Apps are cleared. We're going to serve the salad now."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "All salads are down."
Chef: "Okay."
Captain: "They're done with the salads. We're going to clear."
Chef: "Okay."
The captain walks to the hot line with 20 waiters who are each holding two cloth napkins for carrying hot plates.
Captain: "Okay, salads are cleared. We're ready."
Chef: "Ready for what?"
Captain: "To pick up entrees."
Chef: "WHAT? You never said you were getting ready to take out entrees! They're not done yet! Come back in 10 minutes! What the fuck! You need to learn to communicate with the kitchen better! You can't just walk in here and go 'SURPRISE! I'm ready to pick up entrees!'"
Turnstiles that have that little annoying delay before releasing. You swipe your ID card, the thing beeps, the light turn green, you walk forward, then get clotheslined.
Perhaps the only thing dumber than all-fluff news shows like The Today Show are those retarded assholes who stand outside the window with their stupid posterboard signs that say shit like "Happy Birthday Steve" and "Go Cats!" I mean seriously, if you ever wondered why New Yorkers were rude to tourists, wonder no more. "Well here we are in what could be considered one of the epicenters of human culture and achievement. What should we do? I know! Let's set the alarm clock for 5am so we can dress up like idiots and go stand on the sidewalk outside The Today Show holding a "Hi Mom" sign for a few hours in 20 degree weather in hopes of being on camera waving like idiots for a fraction of a second, which nobody will even pay attention to or remember."
Nosy fucks who always instinctively probe for more information than you were offering. For instance, you want to show them a picture you took on your digital camera. You select the picture you want to show them, then hand them the camera with the intended picture displaying. They look at the picture for 1.3 seconds, then start hitting the directional buttons to see what other pictures you have stored.
"Hey, that's a cool cell phone. Can I see it?"
"Sure." You hand them the phone.
"Wow, this is nice," they say as they immediately look to see who is in your phone book and try to search for pictures you might have taken.
People who are terrified of completely harmless animals.
People who still believe that the environment is perfectly fine, and that any shift in climate or change in water, air and soil quality, mass extinctions, etc are just natural occurrences, and even if humans are responsible for the ecosystem falling apart, who gives a shit.
People who recognize that the environment is in trouble who think that a perfectly reasonable expectation is that all people on the planet will scrap their cars, buy bicycles, eat only organic food, recycle everything, stop patronizing any company that ever produced more than an ounce of pollution, limit families to one child per couple, stop using paper, stop using plastic, stop using all artificial chemicals, etc etc. I think Bill Maher said it best. "If Americans were told that they could reverse global warming by simply getting up and changing the channel instead of using the remote control, how long do you think it would take them to just be like, 'Ah fuck it.'?"
Oh, and just a little tip for Sheryl Crow... I have thought you were a dumbass for years, but I really never fathomed how bad it was. Do you really think that telling people they should only use ONE SQUARE OF TOILET PAPER WHEN THEY WIPE THEIR ASSES is a realistic way to advance your environmentalist agenda? While I do feel that we are, to an extent, on the same side in this fight, you will have to pardon me if I don't shake your hand.
People who don't speak much English who only understand you if you use English words arranged in a way that native English speakers would not understand.
"Could you take those boxes around back to the freight entrance?"
"Uhhhhh...."
"Boxes take street there, coming left. Big door. Uhhh, truck big door on back for trucks. Boxes take there."
"Ahhh, okay!"
Science is like an unfamiliar road. You walk down the road, and you might have an idea of where you would like to end up, and after walking 100 miles, you stop, compare your expectations to where you are, and think, "What have I learned?" Then, as you look ahead into the distance as the road twists off into the horizon and vanishes from sight, you think, "I have a lot more to learn," and you adjust your backpack and continue walking.
The difference between science and Christian "science" is that in Christian "science" you see the unfamiliar road and say, "If I walk 100 miles down this road, I will be in the middle of downtown Chicago," then, after walking 100 miles, and taking no exits or detours, the Christian "scientist" stops on the outskirts of Paducah, Kentucky and proudly proclaims, "WOW! Chicago sure has changed a lot since my last visit."
If your GOAL is not to discover, but to prove the Bible is true, you are not a scientist.
Anyone who likes or dislikes music based on where it's from. I'm not talking about like Tuvian throat music or J-pop, or Calypso, which have obvious roots that can't really be denied, but like, if you hate a certain rapper because he's from Brooklyn, and you're from "DA BOOGIE DOWN BRONX, AND YO, BROOKLYN IS BULLSHIT, MAN!" ... you're an idiot. The same applies to the whole East Coast / West Coast rap thing, the whole UK / Detroit techno thing, etc etc.
Cell phones, like the one I am writing this entry on, whose vibrating silent ringer is so slight you would need sensitive equipment to detect it. People try to call me all the time, and I feel it maybe once every five calls.
Bands, comedians, etc. that do national tours, and for some unknown reason skip New York City. Oh, right. You go to Beaufort, North Carolina and Muncie, Indiana and fucking Falls City, Nebraska, with a population of 4,500 people, but you skip New York City? Maybe you didn't hear me clearly. NEW YORK CITY. More people in NYC would want to buy tickets to your event than even live in Moab, Utah, so what the fuck are you thinking stopping there and not here?
Swingers or other people in "open" relationships who want the whole world to know that they are swingers and are totally sexually liberated, etc. who are completely physically repellant. Picturing one of them having sex with anyone is just gross, and picturing them having sex with each other is even worse, and picturing them having sex together with any third party is even worse, and picturing them having sex together with YOU is enough to make you throw up in your mouth. Unfortunately, this seems to apply to almost everyone who professes to be a swinger. I've met a few people who said they were in open relationships, and about 1% of them looked halfway decent. The rest were like saggy jello trolls with pedophile mustaches and gorilla-like shoulder hair, and that's just the women.
People who use my work computer without asking, and are then deeply offended when I ask, "Uhh, what are you doing?"
Let me explain something. There is one thing I hate more than having fucked up popup ads and spyware and shit, and that's looking for a job because Tubgirl found its way into my history on my work computer.
People who use recreational drugs who think that every rock, techno, industrial, etc. song is about a drug experience.
People who like rock, techno, industrial, etc. who are naive enough to believe that drugs played no part in the creative process in a lot of music that they enjoy.
Guys who check out every, EVERY woman who walks past them. I mean, if Masuimi Max walks past you, you kind of can't help but do a double-take, but I see guys who will pinch a fucking nerve by making their head do a prolonged Linda Blair 360 to stare at completely unremarkable, or even unattractive girls. This morning I was waiting for the train, and a train pulled into the station, and I saw this guy who was sitting on the train craning his neck to see this girl who was standing next to me on the platform. He kept staring at her until the train pulled out of the station. I knew she was there, but had not really noticed what she looked like. After seeing this guy falling over himself trying to get a better look, I started to wonder if maybe I was missing something, so I looked at her.
Before me stood a woman who was about 30 years old, 5'6"ish with straight, mouse brown hair about shoulder length cut in an unremarkable way. She was white. She was maybe a few pounds overweight, not fat, not skinny, and was wearing a boring work-appropriate brown suit with flats. She wasn't particularly busty and, indeed, if she was busty or had a nice ass, her suit was cut in such a way that you wouldn't really be able to tell anyway. The only skin she was showing was on her face and hands. She either wasn't wearing makeup or was wearing little enough that you would guess she wasn't wearing any. I didn't notice any jewelry. She didn't have any notable acne, scars, etc. that could possibly be causing the train guy to be doing the holy fuck neck crane. Her face wasn't ugly, and wasn't pretty either. If you witnessed her committing a crime, and the police asked you to describe her face so they could make a composite sketch, you would be hard pressed to remember anything, as there was nothing particularly amazing or unique about her facial features that would stand out in memory.
In short, she was ORDINARY; as plain as Jane gets. The guy on the train was straining to check her out as though he had never seen a woman before, and there was truly nothing to prompt the "DAMN, LOOK AT HER, MAN, HOLY FUCK" reaction this guy was having. Yes, she has a vagina. Calm the fuck down.
Of course, this isn't just about one guy looking at one girl. This is like a plague of retardation, and on a five minute stroll in Manhattan, you can observe this happening a dozen times.
People who are members of a group that has been historically discriminated against, that fail to see the irony of them being deeply discriminatory against another oppressed group. I remember a few years back I was driving through Cincinnati and I saw a huge billboard that featured the smiling face of a black male politician. In bold letters was the phrase, "NO SPECIAL RIGHTS FOR GAYS."
Workplaces that provide you with a computer that is powerful enough to kind of run a late-90's version of Microsoft Word in 8-bit color at 600x480 on Windows 95 really, really slowly, and if you use a photo as a desktop background, or heaven forbid, get on the internet, the computer's performance slows to a crawl. Just give me a fucking abacus, you cheap fucks.
People in relationships who do irrational, inexplicable, off-the-charts fucking psycho things and use poor judgment, who then can't understand why their partner is perturbed.
People who lie to other people right in front of you, and their lie is something you are privy to, and often the lie is totally unnecessary. Like this one guy who eats lunch in our restaurant about two or three times a week, and has come to the restaurant for the past three months brought a client in today to talk business over lunch. He usually brings clients when he comes. The guy says, "Wow. This place is nice. This is the first time I've been here." He looks to me. "So what would you recommend?"
So now, I either have to piss off a regular customer, who knows the menu by heart and always gets the same fucking thing, or else I have to be complicit, which makes me a liar too.
People who see the whole of human existence as, "I bet that guy is fucking me over. Maybe I should fuck him over like I fucked that other guy over. Wow, I really fucked him over, but that's ok because he might have been thinking about fucking me over. Oh, and I should really fuck that other guy over. I fucked him over before, but he never knew I was fucking him over, so he kinda deserves to be fucked over again. Then again, maybe he does know I fucked him over, and I bet right now he's plotting to fuck me over. Hell with it then, I definitely have to fuck him over now.
Employers who think that the fact that they give you a paycheck is justification to make you do anything.
"Oh, hey! If it isn't our new regional director! Did you come in over the weekend to paint that office like I asked? Good, good. Oh, before I forget, the toilet in the staff restroom clogged and overflowed, and there's stuff all over the floor. It's still clogged and the toilet and floor are full of crap. Yeah, it's pretty gross. Could you take care of that? Oh, and after that I need you to unpack and assemble the desks for that new office."
People who don't get the whole casual courtesy thing.
Like I'll be leaving for work in the morning, and as I'm walking through the building lobby I pass one of the other tenants, a lady about 55-60 years old. I politely smile and say, "G'morning," just like I would to anyone.
She avoids eye contact and hurries on her way without saying a word. "If I say hello back, obviously he will rape me, because my rickety body and jowly face obviously make me a prime target to a man in his early 30's. I'd better just act like a complete cunt and not say hello, despite the fact that there are only two of us in this quiet apartment building lobby, and not acknowledging another adult in this sort of situation is just plain weird."
Drivers that try to let you cross the street in such a way that it doesn't convey what the fuck they're doing so it ends up taking far longer than if they had just kept going. Just now I was crossing the street in the middle of the block. It wasn't even an intersection. I'm waiting for traffic to clear when this one car slows way down. So of course I'm thinking "Hurry up, you fuck!" The car still hasn't stopped but is coasting very, very slowly. The traffic in the far lane is gone, so I could cross if this idiot would just fucking drive. At this point I yell at the retard. "Come on!" He stops right in front of me. I give him the "What the fuck? " gesture. He gestures for me to cross, which is really idiotic considering there is once again traffic in the other lane. He sits there. I gesture for him to keep going. He sits there. The traffic clears in the other lane. He gestures for me to go. I wave for him to keep driving. We stare at each other for a few second. At this point I figure he's going to sit there all fucking day if I don't cross, so I start walking. At the same moment I made this assumption, he must have figured that I wasn't going to cross until he left and he started to roll forward. I stop. He stops. He gestures for me to cross. I wave for him to keep driving. He sits there. I stand there. We stare at each other. Gesture.... Wave.... Stare, stare, stare..... I start to cross again. He starts to move again. I stop. He stops. He gestures. At this point, I let out an exacerbated "GODDAMN!" and walk around the back of his car and across the street. He drives away. This retard wanted to help me cross the street, yet all he did was cost me time as we played a stupid little politeness game. If he had just kept driving, I would have been across the street and he would have been a few blocks down the road in half the time.
Videogame designers who think their music soundtrack is amazing, entirely forgetting the fact that hearing any song for hours at a time will make you sick of it. Sure, Sanctuary of Zi'Tah was cool the first time I went there, but after spending the last three years passing through it on the way to Dragon's Aery and Ru'Aun, it just makes me turn the volume down and listen to something else.
People with physical problems that are beyond their control who think they can make fun of other people's physical problems. This guy I work with said to me, "Wow! You're losing your hair. Hah-hah!" He laughed like he had made an awesome joke, but he didn't even set it up or anything. This guy is 26, all of five feet tall, about 95 pounds, and has a voice like he's been sucking helium.
I replied, "Well, you might lose your hair too someday, but I'll never be short."
Girls who think they can detract from guys thinking some chick is hot by questioning the authenticity of her breasts. "I bet her tits are fake." I for one am not a huge fan of breasts that look truly fake or are ridiculously enormous, however, if a girl's tits look nice and perky, then who fucking gives a shit where she got them? Oh, you bought these for me? Why, thank you. So what if she has a few post-consumer upgrades to enhance what was issued at the factory, if they look decent, cool. Rock on. Fake tits are like fake sugar. If they are obviously fake, meh. If they are realistic enough to spark debate on their authenticity, stick em in your mouth and enjoy.
Retards who either won't listen or won't take no for an answer and don't know when to give up.
I was standing in line at Burger King and this kid who looked to be about 16-18 was in line in front of me. He was decked out in his finest "urban douchebag" wear including the standard issue baggy pants around his ankles, a sports jersey down to his knees and a too-large baseball hat cocked at an absurd angle. For this alone I wanted to dunk his head in the deep fryer. Oh, and I might have forgotten to mention, he was white.
In New York City there are tons of kids pulling the annoying "marked up candy" scam. The purported reasons are usually either "this is for my school basketball team" or a more annoying "I'm not gonna lie, this money is for me to keep me off the street," the not-so subtle meaning being, buy my marked up candy or I'll have to start robbing and killing people.
This kid used the bullshit basketball team story. He turns around and starts trying to hard sell me some fucking Peanut M&M's.
"Excuse me, I'm raising money for my basketball team and I..."
"No thanks," I say clearly and audibly.
"Well the money would help pay for uniforms and..."
"No thank you."
"You'd be helping a lot and..."
"I'm not interested."
"We do this once a year to raise...."
"WHAT, ARE YOU DEAF?"
"What? Don't talk to me like that."
"I mean seriously, are you deaf or retarded? I told you no THREE TIMES."
"Yo, don't talk like that, I'll fuck you up. I ain't no pussy." The kid starts puffing up his chest and trying to act big and bad.
"Sorry, kid. I'm not scared of retards. I told you I wasn't interested THREE TIMES. How many times do you need to be told no before you fuck off?"
"Yo, why you think you can talk to me like that?"
"What difference does it make how I talk to you if you're fucking deaf? Do you understand now that I don't want any candy? Has it gotten through?"
The kid did the "not worth my time" hand flip, gave a "Pfff," and turned around and began his ghetto post-argument unintelligible mumbling.
People who will let a zit grow to the size of a shiny, pus filled parasitic twin and not pop it. The zit is obviously ready. All it would take is the slightest pressure and the thing would spurt out a quart of cottage cheese and spaghetti, and the doofus would be on the road to recovery, but NO! This guy wants to let you enjoy watching the greasy thing grow and grow, from a little pink bump to a huge shiny bloated bag of pus.
Yesterday I read a story in the news about this couple being kicked off of a plane because they couldn't get their three year old brat to sit down and be quiet. The first thought to pop into my head was, "There's a couple that has never spanked their child." Who's in charge here? The plane couldn't take off because the kid refused to sit down. IT'S A THREE YEAR OLD. I can just picture these parents trying to politely reason with their heinous brat as he's flipping out. "Come on, now, honey. Sit down please. Please? Don't be like this, honey. Be a good boy and sit down." Fuck that. You retards are in charge. MAKE the kid sit down. Congratulations. You're terrible enough parents to forfeit your vacation and make national news.
Today, I overheard some coworkers talking about the story, and I thought I would humorously interject. "Good. That's one less screaming brat kicking the back of someone's seat."
They looked at me like I was Josef Mengele. "Well..... You don't have children. You don't know what it's like." (The person who said this also doesn't have children).
"No, but I do know what it's like to be stuck on a flight next to some horrible kid for six hours as they spaz nonstop and make the flight unbearable."
They changed the subject.
People who see the following as economic improvement:
Year 1: Gross Domestic Product is 13 trillion dollars. 95% of the wealth is in the hands of the richest 2% of the population.
Year 2: Gross Domestic Product is 13 trillion and one dollars. 99.5% of the wealth is in the hands of the richest .5% of the population.
If you see this as economic improvement, rest assured, you're a complete and total douchebag, and I for one will laugh when they cut off your precious little Marie Antoinette head.
Drag queens that don't even come close. I mean, I'm not going to rip on drag queens in general. It's certainly not a thing where I can say I've walked a mile in their shoes, and I don't really relate to the concept of an adult wishing to be someone other than who they are, and no, I don't really buy that who you really are deep down is Marilyn Monroe, but do what makes you happy. However, I have always said, if you're going to do something, do it right. By now I imagine most people in the civilized world have seen drag queens before. A few that I've seen actually looked like women, at least to the extent that a passing glance wouldn't make someone go, "HAH! It's a dude!" and all 7th grade snickering aside, kudos to them, I suppose. However, most drag queens I have seen looked like men in women's clothing. I assume this is not the desired effect. Worse, they looked like big hairy men in women's clothing with ridiculous botox lips. Look, some guys can't pull it off. They're too bulky, have massive monkeyman hands, have that kind of beard that looks like five o'clock shadow at 10am, or whatever. If the closest you can get to looking like a woman is looking like Tony Soprano in hooker boots and a tube top with a fake as hell Barbie doll wig, then just don't..
People who like or dislike a city, state, etc. based on their feelings about the local sports team. I actually wrote the previous sentence before I saw these shitheads on the news with their "funny" Superbowl sign. It was held by these inbred looking Chicago fans and took a stab at the New Orleans Saints with the phrase, "The Bears finishing what Katrina started."
"Oh, look at me! I'm being edgy!" No, go eat some death, assbags.
People, who, in this age of voicemail, cell phones and caller ID, think they can make something seem imperative by saying, "I've been trying to get a hold of you all week. I must have called you 20 times!" Uhh... NO YOU DIDN'T, YOU FUCKING LIAR.
Drunk people in bars who sway and bump you, and think you bumped them, and then take the semi-aggressive stance of teaching you some manners. "Hey-y-y-y. Take it easy, buddy!"
These two trumpet players that I frequently see in subway stations. I've seen these guys for years, and I'm sure tourists probably like them, but you know... FUCK those guys. Their playlist consists of "When the Saints Go Marching In," "When the Saints Go Marching In," and "When the Saints Go Marching In"..... annnnd that's all. They play one fucking song, over and over and over. They play it in this ragtime style, which might seem to someone who has only seen it once, like improvisation, but, uhhhh... Nope. They are usually on the subway platform on my way to work. I've heard that same fucking song so many times I want to twist their trumpets around their necks. Actually, I think they alternate Thursdays with the bandage-over-eye bum, who is almost always there whenever they aren't, and yeah, I've seen him for years too, and apparently he has an operation on his right eye every day.
"Oh, but Neg! You're such a Scrooge! How could you not appreciate live music in the subway?" Look. I ride the subway out of necessity, not as a wonderful place to go enjoy New York's rich panhandler culture. In the absolute BEST case scenario the commute will be quick (which is rare), quiet enough to hear my iPod without cranking it to full volume (which is even more rare), and with no filthy asshole with scabies leaning on me as he sleeps.
And seriously, when was the last time that anyone under age 90 stopped and thought, "Sayyy.... I haven't heard 'When the Saints Go Marching In' in a long time. That's a shame, because that tune would be just dandy to hear every single fucking day at 8:52am when I'm running late for work because the train is slow as shit and people are crowded around me waiting to wedge into a subway car that is packed like a sardine can and I haven't had any caffeine yet."?
Retards on Ebay and Craigslist who think that their five and a half year old laptop that's running Windows ME is worth 900 bucks. Oh boy, oh boy! 256 megs of RAM? Can I PLEASE dump nearly a grand on a computer that can KINDA run Duke Nukem? 900 bucks is kinda steep for a doorstop, doncha think?
One thing I have to say is sort of a positive thing, even though it's as a result of a shitty thing, for the first time I can remember in my lifetime, you can bump into almost any person on the street, even including many people who consider themselves conservatives, say, "So, what do you think about the president?" and most likely he will laugh, and say something like, "Wow! That guy is a retarded asshole!" and you will both agree with each other. They keep saying that Bush has polarized the country, but I can't think of a time that more people had the same opinion as me about something significant. Wow. I feel kinship with my fellow man. It's kinda nice and kinda shitty at the same time.
Now if only Jesus was around to drunkenly stumble out of a limousine wearing no panties in front of the papparazzi so I would find some more people to agree with...
People who I haven't talked to in months who go out to some bar, get really drunk, start fidgeting with their cell phone, see my name, and think, "Hey... I haven't talked to him in forever. I should call him RIGHT NOW."
2:17AM, Thursday:
*RING RING* "What in the living FUCK? Who the fuck would fucking.... Goddammit!... (I pick up) "HELLO?!"
"Neg! What's up, dude?"
"What the..... Who is this?"
"It's Steve. What's up?"
"It's like 2:15 in the morning!"
"Dude, I know! I'm out drinkin' with some friends. So what's happ'nin'?"
"I was asleep. What's up?" (Meant in the "what the fuck do you want" way, but of course, the guy takes it in the "How's it goin'" way)
"Just chillin'. Dude, I haven't talked to you in forever. So what's new?"
"I have to work in the morning!"
"Really? Where are you working these days?"
"I have to go."
"Hang on, dude! Someone wants to say hi."
(Scuffling sounds followed by the voice of a drunk, giggly girl)
"Hello?"
"Hi."
(She half covers the phone and yells to the guy)
"Who is it?"
(I hear the guy' s voice in the background.)
"It's Neg!"
"Who?"
"Neg!"
(More scuffling noises as the girl who I've never met passes the phone back to the guy.)
"Dude!"
"I have to sleep. I'm hanging up now."
"Alright dude. Take it easy."
*Click*
2:30....
3:00....
3:35....
"FUCKING ASSHOLE!" I shout in the dark as I stare at the ceiling.
People who think that any object smaller than an Irish Setter is perfectly safe to flush down the toilet.
People from boring, backwards, sleepy rural towns where everyone knows everyone and regardless of your interests there's never a fucking thing going on, EVER, who can't comprehend why someone would want to move away to a big metropolitan city.
When I was preparing to move from Lexington, Kentucky to New York City, several people asked me, "Why would you want to move there?" Are you fucking high? Seriously?
Let's see here.... What did I do for fun when I lived in Lexington? I drove to Chicago, Detroit, Toronto, New York City, St. Louis, Cleveland, Columbus, Knoxville, Nashville, Myrtle Beach, Virginia Beach, Indianapolis, Cincinnati... Are we starting to see a pattern? By contrast, in New York I can put in a day at work and afterwards get everything from a Skinny Puppy concert to Monet to the best restaurants in America on a 20 minute train ride, and show up to work the next day rested.
When I go back to Lexington to visit family, I check out downtown, and it never fails to make me feel like moving was the greatest decision I ever made. The same people are sitting on the same stools in the same bars as they were seven years ago when I left, a little fatter, a little balder, still chasing after the same aging piece of ass that they were chasing in college, twelve years ago. When I talk to them, I usually open with the same casual greeting I use in New York, "What's new?" though the reaction has a decidedly different tone. In New York, people reply with a relaxed, "Not much." In Lexington they always get a hollow look in their eyes, the look of someone who feels doomed, and reply, "Nothing. Nothing at all. Same old shit." It's one thing to be bored and restless at 18. It's another thing to be bored and restless at 34, and remember that you've felt that way since you were 18, and that you see less and less potential to break free as time goes by.
You remember when you were a couple of years out of high school? You had less than five grand in the bank from your job as a houseman at the local hotel, setting up banquet tables, and you were pretty bored and were waiting for that budding punk scene to find a new place to take root and get fun again after The Wrocklage shut down. You were hoping that maybe Lexington would start to develop into more of a real city and there would be something on the radio other than Travis Tritt and whatever Hootie and the Blowfish dogshit the local corporate alterna-crap station had on heavy rotation.
Now you're 34. How's that punk scene? It never quite took off again, did it? Now you're the supervisor over the hotel housemen and you still have less than five grand in the bank, and now you have a car payment , a child support payment, and are renting an apartment for yourself, your girlfriend, and her two kids, one of which is yours. Now the local radio plays Brooks and Dunn and the alterna-crap station plays Nickelback. Downtown hasn't turned metropolitan, rather, half of the store fronts have "For Lease" signs in them. Instead of cool businesses filling those spots, two more Walmarts have sprouted up on the outskirts of town, nestled in the midst of brand new suburbs. You remember thinking the whole "Go Cats" basketball fan bullshit was silly and funny. Now you just want to punch someone in the eyes when you hear it.
So, why would I move away?
People who get angry that you aren't happy for them for their terrible life altering decisions.
"Yes, I did date him about a year ago and it is the same guy who beat me up and stole my jewelry and credit cards to pay for his smack habit and pay off that pimp who was going to kill him for fucking that hooker and then beating her up and skipping out without paying, while we were dating, and yes, he did kind of technically rape me that one time, but I really believe that he loves me and he says he is off the drugs and is starting a real job next week.... And he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Isn't that awesome?"
"Uhhhhh..... Yay?"
People who think the key to writing referential humor is making the references as obscure and convoluted as possible so nobody but them recognizes the reference.
People who don't think a good comedian is funny when they use referential humor because they are out of touch and don't recognize even the most easily recognized people and events.
People who seem to always opt for the way that would make it more difficult for you.
People who leave important shit laying around, and then when it gets lost try to blame anyone but themselves.
"Did you find a blue folder here?"
"Uhhh.... No."
"It had the annual budget in it and I need it."
"I've been here all day and I didn't see any folder."
"Who else has been in here?"
"A ton of people. The waitstaff, building maintenance, clients, the janitor. Lots of people."
"Well I NEED that folder!"
Bon Jovi's second chance.
People who think that anyone who isn't a ball-buster is an ass-kisser.
People who think that anyone who isn't an ass-kisser isn't a team player.
People at work who think that anything that prevents them from being as absolutely lazy as fucking possible is busting their balls.
People at work who are annoying as shit who apparent know they are, who call you with requests prefaced with, "Hi, it's me. You know your day wouldn't be complete unless I called to annoy you."
Then you have to be professional and ass-kissy and reply, "No, no! You're not bothering me. How can I help you?"
People whose shut the fuck up reflex works in reverse, like the times when it doesn't matter if they talk, they don't have much to say, but stick them in a movie theatre, and their gums start flapping.
I recently went with a date to the Upright Citizens Brigade theatre. I love that place. The admission and the beer are cheap and about 90% of the time, the show is fucking hilarious. The girl had previously expressed interest in comedians and sketch comedy shows, and she had never been to the UCB, so I figured this would be a home run. Before we went there, we went to another spot in the Village and had a few beers. I figure a decent buzz is a good start to a night of laughs, and I had been way more drunk with her in the past and she had never done anything fucked up, so I didn't think anything of it. We only had a couple of beers each.
Now, if anyone is trying to think of a test to see if the girl they are dating is "the one," this is it. Take her to a comedy show. Can this girl sit through a comedy show and laugh and have a good time like a normal person, will she sit there in silence with a stick up her ass like a total prude, or will she do something to make you want to die and disappear into a hole in the Earth?
There were two comics that acted as the hosts and there was an improv troupe of about six people. The show was decent. It might not have been the best comedy show I had ever seen, but it definitely wasn't the worst. However, my date apparently felt that the show could have been better. It needed something. It needed HER. Her comedic brilliance would SAVE this otherwise doomed performance. The troupe was doing a skit with two characters in a car. "What's that smell? I think there's something in the back seat."
Then, next to me I hear a squeaky voice shout out, "BLEACH!"
What the fuck? I mean, I know that the two of us had an INSIDE joke about the smell of cum, but why the fuck was I hearing it blurted out now in the middle of a comedy show?
The troupe tried to play it off. "What the fuck? Is there a ghost in the back of the car? Why would our car be shouting out random things? Our car must be haunted."
She apparently thought they didn't hear it the first time and needed clarification. "IT'S BLEACH!" she cried as I could feel my ass cheeks clenching together involuntarily.
"Whoa! The ghost in our car must be obsessed with laundry products!"
I didn't really hear where they took the joke from there, because I was paying attention to the livid host hissing in my left ear, "YOU'D BETTER GET HER TO SHUT THE FUCK UP. IF SHE SAYS ONE MORE WORD, YOU TWO ARE OUT OF HERE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" What a fun date! Seriously, how many dates have you been on in your life where you were scolded and threatened by one of the operators of one of your favorite places to go, a place you somewhat revere where you could even be considered a regular? GREAT FUN! You know, I thought going to a comedy club was supposed to be entertaining, not humiliating.
"What did he say?" she asked.
"He said if you said anything else they would throw us out."
About five minutes later, the troupe stopped for a short intermission and one of the hosts walked onto the stage and began talking, the other sat down in one of the seats a few feet away from my date.
"How is everyone enjoying the show so far?"
The other host yelled out from the audience, "I'M TALKING!"
"We hope you're all having a good time."
"I'M SAYING WORDS WITH MY MOUTH!"
"We also hope that you are tipping your bartender."
"I'M TALKING VERY LOUDLY!"
"We have shows every night here at the UCB theatre.
"I'M TALKING ABOUT....THINGS!"
"And we would like to remind everyone..."
"I AM HILARIOUS! LOOK AT ME!"
"....that if you talk during the performance, we will have to remove you."
"I SUCK AND I AM LOUD!"
"So please sit back and enjoy the rest of the show."
And then the crowd laughed really boisterously... at our expense. I wanted to laugh too, because it was definitely funny, but I was too fucking mortified. I think it's fair to say that we got owned.
Out of touch idiots, particularly in politics, who can't grasp the difference in severity between:
Using Pot and Using Crack.
Trying drugs a few times and being a junky.
Occasionally smoking pot with friends and selling crack to elementary school children.
Riding a skateboard and killing a cop.
Assholes who are rude for no reason. Tonight I walked into a pub and asked the bartender what I thought was a perfectly reasonable question. "Do you serve food here?"
"Heh. Yeah, they got doughnuts over there across the street. Heh. Food. Heh."
So I smiled, said thanks, left and walked about a block and a half, and spent about 25 bucks in a different pub... even though they didn't have food there either. Oh, and I'm a damned good tipper, fuckhead.
People who tell you a story, and space out and get hung up on words that are extremely basic.
"So today I went to the grocery store and my uhhhh... You know, like a uhhh.... small male person... that I gave birth to?"
"Your son?"
"Yeah..." (Story continues for 10 more minutes of grueling verbal doom.).
Very, very low-end stereos, headphones, etc. Seriously, who is this shit for? I'm not saying everyone needs to buy 400 dollar headphones, but what's the point of making three dollar headphones that sound like utter shit? Are homeless people on iTunes now? Seriously, there doesn't really NEED to be consumer goods for EVERY budget. If you want a home theatre system, and you have 40 dollars to spend, then YOU DON'T GET A HOME THEATRE SYSTEM. Sorry. I mean, buy some clothes for your kids or something, shit.
People with amazingly dumb excuses. One of my waiters wears these shirts with arms that are way too short and it makes him look like he has chimp arms because his hands dangle about five inches too low for his sleeves. I said he needed to get some shirts that fit and he retorted, "I just have really long arms." Guess what. THEY MAKE SHIRTS WITH ARMS THAT WILL FIT YOU, DIPSHIT. Men's dress shirts aren't sized as small, medium and large like t-shirts. They are sized by neck circumference and ARM LENGTH. The 16.5 x 30-31 makes you look ridiculous? Well then try the 16.5 x 35-36, dumbass.
Workplace packrats.
Like most people who are employed, I have a workspace that I share with coworkers. I also have a boss who hassles me whenever this workspace becomes cluttered. Also like most workplaces, I have a steady stream of bullshit that flows in. To keep the workplace from becoming cluttered, the bullshit must be sorted into two groups: "I will get in trouble if I don't save this," and "Chuck it." The problem is that there are coworkers, for future reference these will be labeled "retards," who believe there is a third grouping for the bullshit called, "This would be cool to keep."
For example, I work in a dining facility. Often for large parties or groups that want to pick out their own china, we rent equipment. Invariably some of it gets left behind when the rental company comes to pick up. A fork here, a coffee saucer there... It adds up. Every few weeks I look at the growing pile of oddball shit on the shelf and think, "There's no way they're going to come back to pick up a three dollar glass or a twelve dollar plate, and there's no way I would let the waiters set up a place setting with one weird coffee cup," so I immediately eye the garbage can. As I'm throwing away this bullshit, some choad always comes up with a look on their faces as though I'm kicking an Ethiopian child in the face. "WHAT??? YOU'RE JUST GOING TO THROW AWAY A PERFECTLY GOOD PLATE??"
"Well, considering that it's a perfectly good plate that we will never USE, yes I am."
"Don't throw it away. Give it to me."
They take the plate and put it on their desk, where it sits for a couple of weeks... then it reappears on the shelf with the rest of the oddball pile.
The other thing we get a lot of is promotional wampum. We get t-shirts, baseball hats, folders, pens and assorted doo-hickeys of every description from the companies that come in on a daily basis. Today I found a box in the office full of cdroms from the Hanes company. The Hanes meeting was a month ago, but some retard decided to keep a huge box filled with cd's of a business presentation. Why? Because he's an idiot. It's not even like these were cdrw's that could be reused. This guy has over 100 copies of information for which he couldn't possibly have the slightest use. Then he was so kind as to stash it in a corner of the office, so when the boss comes in, there's one more box of bullshit with cd's falling out of it. So I chucked it. What did I find the next day? Someone ELSE had found it in the trash and put it in the office across the hall. Not only that, but as the weeks went by, I found copies of the cd lying around in the cafeteria, our office, another office on another floor, and in one of the locker rooms. What in the living fuck? It's fucking HANES! It's not even like it's a product catalogue. It's a fucking powerpoint presentation full of pie charts and bar graphs. I know because we served lunch while they had their investors' meeting and showed that very presentation.
People who always look the gift horse in the mouth. Yesterday we had a dinner that brought really nice flower centerpieces. There was nothing wrong with them, so we saved them after the dinner.
The next day we had a lunch buffet and they had not ordered any centerpieces, and the 6-foot round tables looked empty and boring, so we brought out the centerpieces and set them on the tables. The coordinator walked in the room, and the first thing he said was, "Oh, I see you gave me last night's old flowers." He had apparently passed by the room the night before and recognized these as the same flowers. Ass. You were going to have NO flowers. Now you have perfectly nice flowers, which of course your guests would never recognize as last night's flowers because none of them were here last night.
The fucked up Gap/Old Navy/Banana Republic thing. I know most of you think this is going to be a rant about boring, nondescript clothing. No. Recently it came to my attention that these three companies are owned by the same umbrella corporation. Their clothes are manufactured in the same factories. Basically, the only defining characteristic is the cost. Banana Republic is the most expensive, Gap is less expensive and Old Navy is the cheapest, even though all three places in essence carry EXACTLY THE SAME PRODUCTS. They are basically their own main competition.
Public restroom animals. We've all seen gross public restrooms. We've all wiped away other people's piss, hovered over filthy seats, tiptoed over puddles of vomit and held our breath to avoid vomiting ourselves. However, there are occasions where someone does something so fucked up and wrong that it totally defies explanation.
The first time I remember being exposed to this in its purest form was when I was in my early 20's. I was married, and my wife worked at Blimpie's. And the jokes fly. Yeah, yeah. Career woman. Ho ho. But back on topic, she was working the closing shift, which was basically 2-10:30. She had one of those managers who basically didn't give a shit about anything except practicing his putt, and he was never actually in the store so I would often stop by to just sit in the restaurant and hang out with her when it got slow. The place was basically completely fucked in terms of staff and management. My wife was usually alone from the time she came in until the time she left, with only an hour of shift overlap from the girl who did the lunch shift. It was one of those dumb locations where it's dead most of the time, so they can't support much staff, which means the few people who do work there are given way too much responsibility and way too much free reign, with the franchise owner / manager taking almost no interest.
One night I came in at about 5, and the dinner rush hit right after I came in, so I just sat at a table and drank Pepsi. I noticed this kid who was about 15 and fat as hell come in. He didn't buy anything, but rather just made a hurried B-line for the restroom.
The dinner rush came and I read the newspaper, waiting for the rush to be over. At about 6:45 the rush tapered off and my wife came over and sat at the table with me. I had forgotten all about the kid, and of course, after an hour and forty five minutes, I just assumed that he was long gone.
But he was not. We heard a door open and close in the back and then saw the fat kid walking quickly out of the store. As he hurried toward the exit, he looked at the floor, intentionally avoiding looking at anyone. I knew right then that something horrible had happened. I got up and walked toward the restroom. Before I even got there, the stink was intense. I opened the door and had to fight to keep from gagging. The shit was everywhere, and I mean everywhere. The toilet was overflowing. It looked like he had used up the entire roll of toilet paper, and had then used paper towels. He had smeared shit all over everything: the floor, the toilet, the sink, and as high as he could reach on the walls. There were wet piles of shit-stained paper towels all over the floor and in the sink. Someone reading this might wonder why I didn't tear out of the store and beat the kid to a pulp, or at least drag him back to the store to have the cops deal with. My only response to this was shock and awe. It was so bad that for a few moments I didn't know what to do other than stand there and stare. The thing that kept me from coming to terms with it was the kid's expression. He wasn't giggling about the amazing prank he had pulled. He was mortified. His expression said, "Oh my god, what have I done?" as though it wasn't something he did for a laugh, or even some perverse kicks, but for a reason much darker.
Yes, the kid had problems, and I know many of you are mistaking my confusion with sympathy. Clinton said that it takes a village to raise a child, and I wish all the villagers would beat whatever was wrong with this fucker out of him with bats.
Idiots who carry paper towels and latex gloves specifically so they can hold onto poles in the subway, because after all, AIDS is instantly absorbed through the skin and paper towels will give you 100% 24/7 protection from all germs. Some of you may have heard of this amazing advancement that has become commercially available in recent years called SOAP. It comes in the form of liquid and bars and when used in conjunction with another substance called "water" it can be used to clean dirt and germs off of hands. Far-fucking-out, huh? Imagine! No more cleaning your hands by putting them in your mouth and sucking them! It's hard to believe, I know, but it's true!
Funny how my life seems to be a long string of dining experiences ruined by idiots. I guess that's to be expected when one has lunch at such classy establishments as Popeye's. I was sitting eating my lunch with my headphones on to drown out the sounds of stupidity when this guy came and slapped his tray down on the table next to mine. I know he slapped it down because I heard it over the deafening roar of my headphones. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that he was hunched over his food like a tyrannosaur tearing at a carcass, and both of his elbows were up and out to the sides to maximize rapid-fire-two-handed-shovel-into-maw effectiveness. Then I saw a glint of white fall from the table. I looked down and saw the lid from his drink sitting on the floor. I thought, "Ah, surely he dropped that by accident. Nobody could be that rude. Any second now he'll look over the side of the table and pick that up. This has to be a mistake. Only some dumb animal would be so base that he would eat in a restaurant and intentionally drop shit all over the floor." Just as I had this thought a napkin floated down to accompany the lid. Instinctively, I turned to see what kind of idiot was next to me. I wish I hadn't, because as my eyes leveled with his face, I saw his wide-open mouth smacking on smashed chicken, and he was manipulating the well-masticated bolus with his tongue so it would fully emerge from his mouth with every bite. Around his mouth were tons of little greasy bits. I was very happy that I couldn't hear him. It reminded me of when Johnny Carson would have a guest from the San Diego Zoo with a lemur that would get food all over its face as it chomped on an overripe chunk of mango. His table manners literally could not have changed in any way since he started eating solid food.
I quickly turned away and tried to erase the image from my mind enough to be able to stomach eating my own food. As I realigned my line of sight with my own now-unappetizing chicken, I was immediately distracted again as he flicked his wrist to toss a mangled chicken bone on the floor. Now I would need to focus, to meditate even, to be able to ignore the caveman next to me and eat my food. I turned up the volume of my headphones and tried to focus on the music. Just as I began to raise some chicken to my mouth, I was once again distracted. I felt a smack on my shoulder. "What the fuck? Did someone just hit my shoulder? Surely nobody could be hitting me on the shoulder. That would be just too absurd." Then as the initial shock was over, and I was en route to the denial "must have been a muscle spasm" phase, there it was again. The monster had just back-hand slapped my shoulder twice to get my attention, and was now alternating between pointing at the salt shaker on my table and making exaggerated salt shaker pantomimes with his hand. I handed him the shaker and as he showered the entire tabletop with salt, I found out that his shaker motion wasn't exaggerated at all. He then smacked the shaker down hard enough to be heard over my headphones, and dug in again.
A few minutes later, he spotted the guy cleaning the dining room and flagged him to come over. The guy shuffled over to the table, and the monster motioned for him to clean up the mess on the floor beneath his table, which had now grown by a few napkins, chicken bones and french fries. The attendant swept the litter into his dustpan and walked off. If he had stayed by the table for about another thirty seconds, he could have cleaned up a few more french fries, which the fucker dropped after the attendant left.
The one good thing about this guy eating like an animal, was that, like a dumb animal, he scarfed down his food as quickly as he could force it down his esophagus. Despite the fact that I was there a few minutes before him, and we both had about the same amount of food, he was done a good five minutes before me, so I had a little peace after he left. He got up and left his tray and mess sitting there on the table, about ten feet from the garbage can. Then he sauntered to the exit.
Then suddenly, he stopped, just as he got to the door. Could there be a shred of humanity or shame gnawing at this creature for leaving his crap for someone else to clean up? He stood for a moment, very apparently struck by some revelation. He made a quick about-face and started walking briskly in a straight line towards the table. For a moment I thought I was witnessing evolution in action; man rising out of the muck and learning to walk tall and proud - doing the right thing simply for the sake of it needing to be done. Surely he was coming back to at least partially redeem himself for being a completely obnoxious animal by picking up his mess. As he neared the table, his arm began to extend, and I could picture in my mind that hand picking up the tray and carrying it off to the garbage can. His hand continued to extend, but now he was bending down at the hips. Is he picking up all the mess he threw on the floor?
He bent down and picked up something unseen, that was propped against the base of the table. As he rose back up, I saw that it was his umbrella. He did not even look at his mess on the table as he made another about-face and walked straight out the door into the gloom. Dogs pay far more attention to the shit they leave behind.
Chatty cab drivers. It's 6am. I don't even want to be awake, and I sure as fuck don't want to talk to you about what happened on The Sopranos last night. Shut the fuck up and drive fast.
People that hand-wash their dishes, and you go to their house and they offer you something to drink, then they dig in their piled up kitchen sink, pull out a glass that's half-coated in dried-on spaghetti sauce and has about an inch of moldy liquid in it, then they pour it out, squirt a little dish soap into it, sort of rinse it off under some water that's cold enough to be comfortable to their hands, then they pour a drink into it and hand it to you, and you can still smell the food on it and see little chunks on it. Yeah, I'm a snob. I'm looking a gift horse in the mouth. Fuck you. Get a damn dishwasher so I don't have to drink out of the AIDS GLASS.
I'm all for creativity, and art without change is boring, but one thing that pisses me off is when a band I like makes a complete U-turn and changes their sound so drastically that fans of their old sound would almost definitely hate their new sound. "On our last album, we were going for sort of an atmospheric ambient electronic thing, but while we were in the tour bus, we listened to a lot of country, metal, rockabilly, and zydeco music, and we all really ended up liking it a lot, so our new album incorporates a lot of those sounds and does away with the whole electronic element that we used to have." Great. You made a completely self-indulgent album of bullshit. You can try to explain it all you want, but all I hear is, "FUCK YOU, FANS!"
People on Myspace that post bulletins with the kind of regularity that most people post blogs (or even more frequently). Look... You have 3857 friends. They don't all need to know that you just painted your fingernails. There's this guy on my friends list that posts an average of four or five bulletins a day. Well... he was on my friends list until just now.
Media websites that simply can't handle the traffic. Why even make the site? Hey look! A 20 second streaming video of some stupid bullshit! Let's check it out! Click........... 30 seconds go by before anything other than the background on the website shows..... 45 more seconds and finally all of the page is visible. Okay. Let's press play. Buffering.... buffering..... buffering.... 60 seconds later the video begins to play. Five seconds of the 20 second video plays, then the video stops...... buffering.... buffering..... buffering.... 20 seconds later, three more seconds of the video plays, then it stops again and begins buffering.... buffering.... buffering... At this point I close the window. Fuck it. Why even fucking bother? I mean, how badly do you think I want to see someone get hit in the balls?
Comedians who are invited to discussion shows like Bill Maher's "Politically Incorrect" and find a way to slip their regular fucking act in. I didn't think it was possible to slip a Jimmy Stewart impression or a Johnny Carson impression into a discussion on the Iraq war or the Virginia Tech shooting, but fucking Dana Carvey found a way, fucking one trick pony retard. I was just waiting for him to bust out a "WELL ISN'T THAT SPECIAL," but I guess that would have been beyond obvious.
On a side note, I like the way he pussied out of every potentially insulting thing he said.
"Do you really think someone with a name like Barack Hussein Obama has a chance, I mean, wow! HAH!"
"I don't think there's really anything wrong with his name."
"You're right. It's a great name, I was just joking."
Products that are seemingly designed to waste themselves. I just bought a can of shaving gel. When you press and release the button as quickly as humanly possible, it will dispense enough gel to probably cover your entire body with foam.
What's with dumbasses, particularly on the internet, who think that periods are just a generic all-purpose end for a sentence. What about question marks. What, are these people fucking retarded.
Comedians who get married and have kids and then 59 minutes and 45 seconds of their hour-long show is about marriage an child rearing.
Christians who get tired of me poking fun at their quaint little belief system who think they can shut me up by demanding that I approach the subject from the standpoint of mutual respect. Like, I have my beliefs and they have theirs, so we should just shake hands and fake a smile for each other as we agree to disagree. Mutual respect? Wait a second. See, my viewpoint is that Christians are naive, illogical and ill-informed, perhaps willfully ignorant. Christians' view of me, and everyone else who is not a Christian, is that we are all going to be destroyed and go to hell and be tortured for eternity in a lake of fire, AND... that this is what we richly deserve. Uhhh... How in the FUCK do you expect me to buy the mutual respect line when one of the cornerstone tenets of your belief system is me deserving death and eternal torture just for my beliefs? See, as abrasive as I might come off, I just think you guys are goofy, not that you should DIE AND BE TORTURED FOREVER. Mutual respect? Blow that shit out your asses, hypocrites. You don't respect shit.
Information websites that launch prior to any actual information being written on them, particularly when excellent sites already exist with very thorough information on the same subject. "Welcome to the Asthma Information Site" Below the title are categories: Causes, Symptoms, Prescription Drugs, Over the Counter Drugs, Home Remedies, Allergies, Breathing Exercises. You click on Symptoms. "Information on Symptoms will go here." You click on Home Remedies. "Submit your Home Remedies Here." You click on Prescription Drugs. "Information on Prescription Drugs will go here." Well what the fuck? WHY DID YOU WASTE MY FUCKING TIME? I don't give a flying fuck if you PLAN on writing a page about asthma, and I REALLY don't give a flying fuck if you're getting good HNML practice by making this page. It's an information page, so where's the fucking information?
Here's a great example. This is a guide to notorious monsters in Final Fantasy Online. There are hundreds of notorious monsters in this game. This page has been around for months. See if you can find a fucking monster in it.
Expansion packs for videogames that are basically a collection of a bunch of small, sloppy maps made of already existing game textures and models with way more and way tougher monsters than you could ever possibly beat without cheating. Oh, sure. A map the size of a tennis court with 18 Cyberdemons on it and no cover and no health, weapon or ammo pickups and I'm armed only with the chainsaw. Sure. No problem. This should be fun.
Whenever I go to a deli and order a sandwich, I always ask for "a little mayo." I usually reemphasize this by reiterating, "Just a little bit." Why then do these guys always give me enough mayo to drown a rhino? I mean, maybe I'm way off base, but I thought the purpose of mayonnaise was to give a sandwich a little flavor and moisture, not lubricate the sandwich so I don't need to chew it. Here's a tip. If you work in a deli, and someone asks you for a little mayo, the amount you should use is somewhere between none at all and enough that the bread is kind of floating on it and when the guy takes a bite it squeezes out of the sandwich from all sides onto the floor causing him to slip and break his tailbone - usually on the lower end of that scale.
The hype about the Apple iPhone. Whoopity shit. It's a (gasp) PHONE that you can use to access the INTERNET and it can play MP3s. Holy fuck. I mean wow, really. I mean, you're taking an existing device... a phone... and adding to it the internet... which 99% of existing cell phones can access anyway... and adding an mp3 player... which is also something that many phones have already. OH! BUT IT'S APPLE! I almost forgot. This is the company that still has ads saying how "Wow! I can use my Mac to edit video and images, and use email and update my webpage and use instant messaging programs ON THE INTERNET... even on broadband. FUCKING INNOVATION! HOLY SHIT!" Like every PC on the planet hasn't been able to do all of the above for years, plus play the latest and best games. I watched a thing on TV where the Japanese were laughing at the iPhone. Why? It seems like they'd be really interested in new technology, being such a techy people and all. Well, gee. It turns out that this amazing new iPhone, which hasn't come out yet is years behind existing Japanese cell phones, which they use to shoot and transmit streaming video, carry and edit documents, watch shows on broadband on a wide screen and even SWIPE TO BUY A NEWSPAPER OR ENTER THE SUBWAY. I mean... seriously, Apple, don't you have any friends over there who could maybe, like, let you check out their cell phone for a second and write down some notes on things to put in your AMAZINGLY INNOVATIVE iPhone?
I truly don't mean to harp on Apple just because they're Apple, and don't want to give anyone the impression that I've singled them out unfairly. They're just an easy target because they keep releasing products which are just existing products repackaged in a sleek case and then touted as amazing new innovations, and I'm fucking bored with it. It's like copy-pasting from Wikipedia and turning it in as your thesis. THEY DON'T THINK UP NEW IDEAS. They copy existing ideas and then use their little worshipping zombie fanboys as a market base. Every single one of those screaming doofuses at that "press conference" is someone who would buy the iPhone regardless of its features, regardless of its reviews, and regardless of its cost, just because Apple made it. If Steve Jobs stood on that stage, and said, "I give you.... THE IPHONE!" and then gestured to a curtain, which opened to reveal a marble pedestal with a pile of cow shit on the top with flies buzzing around it, all those idiots would have screamed just as loudly. "ALL PRAISE BE TO EMPEROR JOBS! ALL HAIL! IPHONE WILL SHOW US THE WAY!" Fuck you. How about doing something really innovative like making an iPod that doesn't look like a scratched up piece of shit after a couple of days of normal use?
Meanwhile, the resident Mac-head at my job came to me the other day with a million questions about Windows XP because he can't get it to work right on his Mac. He's running Windows XP.... ON A MAC. He bought a Mac... and two weeks later he's asking me WINDOWS QUESTIONS. If you want to run an IBM-PC-based operating system, JUST RUN IT ON A FUCKING PC, IDIOT.
Remember Sneaker Pimps? If you do, the first thing that probably comes to mind is the sexy-as-fuck voice of Kelli Ali. Remember anything more recent by Sneaker Pimps than "Spin Spin Sugar" or "6 Underground"? Why would you? Of course you don't, because that's what happens when a marginally interesting band fires their far more interesting lead singer. Sneaker Pimps are still somewhat around, by the way, not that I would recommend buying any of the rubber-stamp boring crap that they've put out more recently. They released two albums since Ali left, and they both flopped. Their most recent album, SP4, was recorded in 2003 and their record label rejected it. OOPS. Happy 2007. Of course, all the little die hard fan boys try to convince themselves and each other that Ali, who was in essence a hired gun, was an unneeded element in the band, despite watching the complete lack of success the band has had since firing her. If you read the comments on every one of their post-Ali videos on YouTube, someone always says something along the lines of, "What is this dog shit? What happened to the girl singer?" and 100 fans lose their minds attacking them and giving them history lessons about the band, saying who wrote what, and blah blah blah. If people want to hear "the girl singer," and the band was most successful and notable WITH "the girl singer," who's right, fanboys or the general public? I thought Kelli Ali fell off the face of the earth until recently when I kind of tripped over one of her CD's. I bought a couple of them and have to say that the second one is easily as good as anything Sneaker Pimps ever put out with or without her (the first one was a bit too poppy for my taste). Sure, the lyrics might be a little trite, but could anything be more trite than "Spin spin sugar?"
People who come to my apartment, and know that my neighbor will bitch if there's noise, and don't try to keep it down at all. I recently had some houseguests. One of them has the habit of pacing. She walks to the kitchen, then to the bathroom, then to the living room, then to the kitchen, then to the bedroom, then to the kitchen, then to the living room, then to the bathroom, and on and on and on, flat-footed, so every step is like PLOD, PLOD, PLOD. This goes on for hours until late at night. The morning after the first night, my neighbor went apeshit, saying it sounded like 10 people were stomping around the apartment all night. My guest was present for his tantrum. Guess what happened the second night, and the third night, and the fourth night.... PLOD, PLOD, PLOD.
Christmas Porn. You know, when I'm watching Lily Thai sucking a dick, I mean, that's great and all, but you know what would make it even better? A SANTA HAT. Fuck yeah.
Retarded Christians who say this phrase: "I think it takes a much greater leap of faith to believe in Darwinian evolution than it does to believe God created everything." Let me translate this into what it really means. "I am completely clueless and think that natural selection is a totally random process, when it is in fact completely non-random, and I don't want my faith shaken up so I'm not going to put any effort into understanding it, either that or I understand it perfectly, but am going to deny that it's feasible because I don't want to make God angry at me, plus, how are we going to get prayer and creationism in school if we admit to the feasibility of Darwinian evolution? Darwinian evolution is just crazy talk. It's so much more rational to believe that an invisible, all-knowing, all-powerful being just willed the universe and all living things into existence, and of course, decided on earth as the place he would put every living thing in the universe, and that he created man in his own image, specifically for the purpose of kissing his ass. That's right, an ass-kissing species. See, did Darwin think that far ahead, to a species whose sole function in the universe is worshipping him and doing as they're told? I don't think so!"
People who constantly change their screen names and use multiple IM programs and address you casually like you're going to magically know who the fuck it is.
Feb. 20 on AIM: Slapper420: "YO, dude!"
Mar. 10 on Yahoo: Darkesthour: "Hey, Neg!"
Apr 11 on MSN: Rick967: "Sup"
May 22 on AIM: Turtle0_o: "How's it going?"
June 15 on MSN: Stank278: "Sup, Neg"
... and it's ALL THE SAME PERSON.
What can I possibly add to this?
iSee... The gorilla is farting, and you must press the fart button.... yes, the FART BUTTON, to out-fart the gorilla.... or he will defeat you... in a competition of farting. Not only that, but according to the animation, the gorilla's farts have the power to KILL you. However, if perchance you have the skills needed to smash your mouse button quickly on the fart button, you will be victorious in out-farting the gorilla, which supposedly is a great accomplishment, because when I think gorillas, I think farting contests. If you win, you will be taken to some spam site, where you will give them all the information needed to fill your email inbox with a thousand junkmails a day for everything from debt solutions to F-ar-M_T.eE''nZ until you die, and most likely have your computer infected with all nature of spyware, and maybe, just maybe, if you fully perform the "Required participation," you might be blessed with a cell phone ringtone... and I'm sure we all know how extremely fucking valuable those are.
"Sensitive" electronic devices. For instance, the metal detector at my work will go off if you are carrying a knife or gun... or have some change in your pocket... or a cell phone... or keys... or if you accidentally brush against the sides... or if the elevator across the hall opens... or if someone opens the door and the wind blows through. Of course, when these things happen, the security guy says, "Sorry, it's just sensitive." NO. "Sensitive" is not the correct word. You shouldn't need to empty everything out of your fucking pockets and put them in the little bin because if it was actually sensitive, someone would walk through with a gun and the thing would say, "Warning! This person is carrying a 9 millimeter semi-automatic pistol in a holster under his left arm. This weapon is loaded with eight rounds." Going off when my coat, which has no metal on it whatsoever, brushes against it doesn't make it "sensitive," it makes it retarded.
Christian YTMND's. YTMND is a great site comprised entirely of user created pages. Generally they're just a sound and maybe some text over a picture, animated gif or short video, and are usually humorous or witty. Then there are the Christian YTMND's, which are never humorous or witty. Like I'll be surfing and laughing my ass off at the likes of Brian Peppers, lol internet, Conan makes popcorn, Batman: ualuealuealeuale, and Chunk is Indestructible, and then I come across some sort of "WOW! Jesus sure is great!" *crickets*..... Seriously, do you assholes have to infect and ruin everything? I mean, I think it's fairly obvious that if I'm laughing my ass off at "Nigga stole my bike," I'm not really soul searching, and I definitely am not looking to be converted to fucking Christianity. Get that? NOT EVERYWHERE IS A MARKET FOR YOU TO PEDDLE YOUR SILLY DEAD GUY ON A STICK. FUCK OFF.
Apple does it once again. On Oct. 18, 2006 Apple announced that it accidentally shipped many of its new video iPods with a virus that affects computers running Microsoft Windows. The virus, of course, does not affect Macs. Like complete assholes, on the official Apple website, they said, "As you might imagine, we are upset at Windows for not being more hardy against such viruses." What the fuck is that shit? You GAVE them the fucking virus, and then you turn around and use it as a point of attack against Windows? Viruses don't just randomly APPEAR out of nowhere, someone has to design them. If there are virii on your hardware that you are distributing to customers, it is YOUR fault for either not realizing it's there, or having one of your box-frame glasses flannel shirt retard minions put it there as a "wouldn't it be hilarious if" move. It's like sucker-punching someone in the face and saying, "Damn! How could you just get a bloody nose like that? You're bleeding everywhere. What a pussy."
People who say really open-ended broad things like, "I really don't like music." What? How? I could understand that statement if you inserted any genre before "music," but saying you hate music IN GENERAL is just fucked up and inhuman.
Commercials for those stupid gadgets designed to "make life easier" that feature actors pretending that living without these retarded wampum devices is HORRIBLE. Like, on a commercial for some mattress or pillow, in the "old way" clip they show two people in bed with pained expressions tossing and turning and practically breakdancing in bed because OH MY GOD! THIS REGULAR SPRING MATRESS IS LIKE A TORTURE CHAMBER! I WRITHE IN AGONY INSTEAD OF SLEEPING! Then they cut to people sleeping on the ULTRA-WONDERSLEEP 5000 Mattress, and the people are dead asleep without even any sheets over them and they have huge shit-eating smiles on their faces EVEN IN THEIR SLEEP. Then they cut back to the "old way" people. In the morning they look dead tired and even hung-over and as they are getting out of bed they grab their backs in terrible pain as though they had just been stabbed with a searing hot dagger. Cut back to the ULTRA-WONDERSLEEP 5000 couple, and they are still smiling in their sleep. As the glowing beams of sunshine flow into the bedroom, they open their eyes, wide and alert, still smiling, and STILL IN MAKEUP WITH NEATLY STYLED HAIR, as a cartoon bluebird lands on the woman's finger and sings a delightful good morning tune.
In another ad for some sort of grabby pick-em-up claw thing, they show someone using the stupid thing to pick up a pair of socks off the floor without bending down. Then, in black and white (to mean the person is performing the task in the crazy, old-timey way), the person bends over to pick up the sock, and THERE IT IS AGAIN! ARRRRGGGG THAT DAGGER! OW!!!! PEOPLE WHO ARE GIVING BIRTH DON'T MAKE THIS KIND OF PAINED EXPRESSION! OH THE AGONY OF BENDING OVER AND PICKING UP SOCKS OFF THE FLOOR! OH THE HUMANITY! I WISH I HAD SOME SORT OF WEIRD CLAW THING THAT SELLS FOR $19.99, AND IF I ORDER RIGHT NOW THEY WILL GIVE ME TWO, THAT'S RIGHT, TWO GRABB'EM CLAWS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE! A 500 DOLLAR VALUE!
That fucking horrible new t-shirt smell. I love the way a brand new t-shirt looks, and maybe would like to fucking wear it before I wash it, but I can't, because it stinks so much that when I'm wearing it in the middle of a Chinatown open-air fish market on garbage day in July, all I can smell is fucking new shirt chemicals. Here's a concept: whatever it is that you're putting on new t-shirts to make them stink like industrial ammoniated floor cleaner.... DON'T.
Barbers who think I want a fucking comb-over and don't fucking listen. I have a receding hairline. Who gives a shit? There are more important things in the universe than how many hairs per square inch are on the top of my head. I go to the barber and tell him to cut everything short. He cuts the back and sides short and leaves the top three inches long. "Cut that short too." He cuts approximately two millimeters off the top. "No, cut it short. Like half that length." He cuts off another two millimeters. It makes me want to yank the scissors out of his hand, chop a big chunk out of my own hair and tell him to even it out.
Finally he tells me, "I thought maybe because you're losing your hair you would want me to leave it sort of long on top to, you know, cover up. Like this." He points out his own comb-over which looks absolutely fucking ridiculous.
"No, that's not for me. Just cut it short." He shrugs and finally cuts it the way I ask with a look of reluctance on his face that looked like the one my barber had around 1988 when I wanted him to cut it all punk rock; the look of, "I really don't want to fuck up your hair, but you're forcing me."
What's stupid is that every time I go to a male barber I have to push him to actually do what I say. Women hair stylists on the other hand almost always get it right on the first try, which I attribute to two things: women listen, and they know that comb-overs look like pathetic dogshit.
Assholes who have an excuse for everything. At my last job I went to the staff cafeteria and got a turkey burger. I took it back up to my office, sat down, and took a bite. The thing was not only raw, but was still frozen in the middle. I called the chef and explained. Before I could even finish what I was saying he interrupts me with, "Ehh, don't worry, it's pasteurized." BULLSHIT, ASSHOLE. Yes, I was still concerned about getting sick, but that's just the beginning. I had a half hour to eat. I spent 15 minutes going to get the burger and bring it back. Now, not only would I not want something from the cafeteria for fear of other disgusting shit, but I didn't have time to get something else for lunch at all. I'm going hungry because you're an asshole who spends his day making excuses instead of good food.
Book reviews about atheist writers that approach the content from the standpoint of, "Can you believe this guy? He doesn't EVEN believe that Jesus is the son of God. Man! What's this guy been smoking?" Newsflash, dipshits. Not everyone has the same worldview as you, and basing a REVIEW on how the writer's opinions differ from your own just makes you look stupid. Way to be objective, dipshit.
Businesses that try to rip you off with additional fees and bullshit thinking you aren't paying attention.
I called Dominos Pizza the other day. Okay, yes, I know they have shitty pizza, especially by New York standards, but Dominos delivers pizza for free and I didn't feel like interrupting my video game to go out in search of food. Here's a basic run-down of the conversation.
"Hello, Dominos. Would you like to hear our specials?"
"Yes."
The guy rattles off five or six retarded combos, most of which include multiple large pies with retarded promotional toppings, chicken wings, bread sticks, two liter bottles of Coke and other assorted bullshit. Nothing one person could eat and nothing under 15 bucks.
"How much would it be for just one medium pizza with one topping?"
"$10.25."
"Okay, I'd like a medium pepperoni pizza."
....Long pause.....
"Okay, with the tax and everything that comes out to $14.95. It should get to you in about 45 minutes."
He sounds like he's trying to hurry and hang up, so I catch him. "WHOAH! Wait! How is it $14.95?"
"Well, with the tax and everything."
"Tax is 8.75%. It's the 'and everything' that bothers me. And then I have to tip the driver on top of that?"
"Well that's what it comes out to."
"So you think I'm going to pay 40-something percent sales tax? You know what? Forget it. Cancel my order. That's too much."
Before I can hang up, he catches me. "Sir, hang on..... Okay, I can give it to you for $11.15."
So just like magic, the price just took a dive back down to what it should have been in the first place. Fearing that at this point they would be annoyed enough to put their balls on my pizza, or that somehow the ripoff price would find its way back onto my ticket, I decided the decline the new price. Instead I called the Philly Cheesesteak place a few blocks away that delivers, and it was cheaper, faster, and awesome by comparison to Domino's Pizza.
Now, I'm not necessarily saying Domino's has a policy of ripping off customers. It could have just been an employee pocketing money, but the point is that I probably won't be ordering from them again. They definitely don't have a leg to stand on in the "quality product" department, and delivery is always slow as fuck. Add the sketchy ripoff crap and they win the Trifecta of Shittiness. All anyone is looking for in a pizza place is decent taste and fast delivery at a fair price, so since they offer none of the above, fuck Domino's Pizza.
CGI that still looks like CGI. If i'm watching a movie, I should no longer be able to tell that you did the effects with a computer. It should just look awesome, and not the least bit cartoonish. It's past the point where people think, "Wow! Computers."
Christian logic:
Billboards in many cities in areas with heavy traffic, visible 24 hours a day, and seen by people of all ages, displaying dismembered aborted human fetuses in a pool of blood: A perfectly acceptable, and legally protected exercise of freedom of speech that is effective for rallying people to the anti-abortion political cause.
Janet Jackson's tit on TV for a fraction of a second: Horrifying. Disgraceful. A clear testament to the depravity of American society, and worthy of severe punishment, and sweeping increases in censorship of all media
Companies that stop producing their best products and instead go on to make sub-functional bullshit that nobody gives a shit about.
That bullshit that our parents fed us for our entire childhoods about TV ruining our eyes. I'm 33. My generation has watched more TV than any other generation. As a kid I was a complete TV junkie. As an adult I am either watching DVD's on my 62 inch TV or staring at a computer screen during most of my free time. So... Why the fuck is my vision perfect? A whole generation of people glued to the TV... and where are all the class-action lawsuits from blind people vs. Zenith? It's the same as all those asshole parents who told their kids that whacking off will make you go blind. Seriously, fuckers, is that your solution to everything? Every time Little Bobby is developing a behavior pattern that you find objectionable, "Bobby, you'd better stop leaving your socks on the floor... Uhhh... OR YOU'LL GO BLIND." What sadistic fucks you all were. Don't worry, we'll pay you back when it's time to put you in a home.
Contrived marketing buzz-words that are made to sound as though they are actual features. For example: Retsyn. The people who make Certs want you to think that there is some special beneficial chemical in their mints, so they say "Certs... With Retsyn." Know what Retsyn is? It's fucking mint flavoring, just like every other breath mint has. Know what else Retsyn is? Some fucking imaginary word that Certs made up. This isn't like saying a car comes with anti-lock brakes, but they make it out as if it is.
This morning I was burning a DVD and looked at the package. below the Sony logo was another logo that said "AccuCORE." Oh boy, oh boy! I sure am glad I got Sony DVDR's. I wouldn't want to waste my money on discs without AccuCORE, because you need that.
That's what I need more of in my life, MADE UP BULLSHIT.
Coworkers that you work with for a year who have no clue what you do.
Coworkers that you work with for a year and you have no clue what they do because they're lazy sacks of shit with no apparent function
Dialup. Seriously. Isn't it time to phase this shit out? What could be the argument in favor of a type of internet connection that is slow as fuck - too slow to view most webpages at a comfortable speed, drops all the time, gets busy signals and costs at least 25% as much as networks that are hundreds of times as fast? It's seriously annoying at this point when I tell someone to check something out on YouTube or something and they reply, "Sorry, I'm on Dialup. It would take forever." At this point it sounds like someone saying they don't really understand the point of automobiles and moving picture shows. Dialup can be seen as little more than the stumbling first steps of the internet. It hasn't improved in any apparent way over how it was five years ago. Put the fucking past in the past.
Disagree? Saying "No" is sufficient. This "Nonononononononono" shit can eat my ass. The only reason you're doing that shit is to make annoying noise until people shut up and listen to you. You may as well stick a cork in it because there's no way I'm going to submit and shut up for some moron making an idiotic repetitive noise.
Women who act like they don't get what guys see in younger women, and sometimes even get bitchy about it or act offended by it. Like if a 35 year old guy is dating a 24 year old woman they say, "What are you getting out of that?"
"Oh, gee. What am I getting out of it? Hmmmm. Well there's the fact that she's vivacious and unjaded, energetic, has wonderful smooth, supple skin and perky tits, a tight little ass, has much higher metabolism than you and can eat burgers and pizza and still weigh 120 pounds without really exercising, enjoys going out and staying up late instead of whining about her bad knee, isn't itching to get married, settle down and have children before her fast-approaching 40th birthday, is less apt to think of a boyfriend as a provider before thinking of him as a lover, is unburdened by a long history of breakups and maybe a divorce or two, no kids, no postpartum stretch marks, no ex-husbands, no urgency, no desperation... I don't know, you tell me, what edge could younger women possibly have over you?
Yeah, sure. Men are all superficial assholes. That's why every personal ad ever posted by a woman has one of the following phrases to describe what she's looking for: successful, professional, financially stable, has goals, likes to travel, enjoys fine dining, and other assorted things that imply that she just wants someone who can buy her stuff.
Dry cleaners that staple tags to your clothes. I think one of the most basic keys to being successful in any business is understanding why your industry exists. The dry cleaning industry exists because people want to take good care of their delicate clothes, which would be damaged if they just washed them in a regular washing machine. So they pay a lot more and turn to a professional to use his training and facilities to care for their valuable clothes... AND THEN HE PUNCHES A FUCKING STAPLE THROUGH EVERY ARTICLE OF CLOTHING.
Dumb celebrities that write books.
Do you really think I give a shit about what's on Paris Hilton's mind? Maybe Denzel Washington's? Britney Spears? Mike Foley? Eminem? I'll give you one guess. Here's a hint: First Letter is F, and it ends in uck no.
Fullscreen TV. Seriously, considering that almost every new TV and computer monitor purchased is fucking widescreen, why the fuck hasn't the broadcast media updated their format to what all their customers are using?
Dumb missed business opportunities. In the 90's, at the height of the era of raves and techno music, there was one electronic musical instrument in particular that EVERY techno producer wanted, the Roland TB-303. The sound of it is instantly recognizable. Whenever you hear that characteristic barrage of twerpy farty bass patterns being tweaked and twisted, you knew this little silver box, about the size of a cigar box, was behind it.
The problem with this little fart box was that it was only made for a couple of years, about 7-10 years prior to its rise to fame. Initially it was introduced as a sort of equivalent to a drum machine, except to replace a bass player instead of a drummer. Of course, it sounds nothing like a bass guitar at all, and was scoffed at by artists at the time.
Because it was from the early 80's, much of its design was goofy. It had a step-based sequencer that was so convoluted that it was practically impossible to do anything intentional with it. You basically try to make a tune and fail until one of your mistakes actually sounds interesting. It also had no way to save sounds, and had a sequencer that was backed up by C-cell batteries, and when they died, so did all your hard work unless you had the unit plugged into a wall wart. It also had no midi interface, so synching it to modern gear required a lot of jimmying or perhaps a midi to din-sync box that a couple of small companies made. It was also only monophonic, though many users like this, meaning that it can only play one tone at a time, making chords impossible.
Despite its faults and inarguably limited usefulness, people just couldn't get enough of that sound, and the rare TB-303's would fetch well over 1000 bucks in online auctions. There were even companies that would charge a fee to modify your 303 to expand its functionality or make it fartier and more distorted. Suffice to say, there was definitely a marketing opportunity.
People petitioned Roland with hopes that they would reissue the machine. The architecture of it was very simple, and rereleasing it should have been a no brainer. In fact there was a handful of small companies that made fairly impressive clones of the 303 in both hardware and software forms, but nonetheless, people still wanted the Real McCoy. All Roland had to do was reissue the TB-303, maybe embellish its original analogue design with a couple of modern digital bells and whistles like midi and more advanced memory storage, and they would have had hordes of buyers lined up outside of every music store in the US and UK early in the morning to get their greedy fingers on their very own brand new TB-303 mark II. Imagine that, Roland. Tons of buyers TELLING you what they want, begging you. No market research, no focus groups, not even a huge design team designing a totally new product from the ground up and hoping it sells. What should you do, Roland? Think for five seconds. Each unit will cost you a few bucks to crank out, and buyers are willing to throw 1000 bucks at you, maybe more if the added features are what people want. Imagine, a TB-303 with built in distortion, maybe a couple of new oscillators, an audio-in to run external audio through those blorpy filters. These would all be fairly easy to accomplish, and indeed the company Novation put them in their own 303 clone.
Then one day after years of begging and petitions, the news came. Roland announced that they were releasing the MC-303. It even looked like a sleek modern version of the magic silver box, right down to the tweaky knobs. Everyone was ecstatic. Finally Roland had heard our pleas. As the release drew nearer, hope started to wane a bit, as it started to look like Roland had missed the point. The new MC-303 was more of a workstation, able to play multi-track sequences, drum rhythms, and seemed basically geared towards being an all-in-one machine capable of making entire techno songs. This raised a lot of eyebrows.
Then came the day of the release and all the techno-heads went to the music stores to try it out. BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM...WAAAAAA (Price is Right "You Lose" song). It sounded like shit. They had completely missed the point. All we wanted was a farty, tweakable analogue synthesizer. What they gave us wasn't even a synthesizer at all. All of its sounds were SAMPLES. Practically every jackass making techno music in the 90's had a sampler, and was very capable of doing pretty much the same thing the MC-303 could do, sequence samples of techno type sounds into songs. We wanted the Bassline. We got a tinny sounding box of shit that failed to deliver something so amazingly simple that it was successfully delivered ten years earlier by accident. People wanted the SOUND, not just some silver box with the number 303 slapped on it. Essentially, the TB-303 is an instrument that is loved because it sounds bad, and Roland couldn't even make an instrument that sounds bad right.
Since then, Roland has had a consistent track record of fucking up their remakes of other great 80's analogue gear and staples of techno/electronic music such as the Juno 106 (remake), SH-101(remake), MC-202 (remake), TR-808 (remake), TR-909 (remake), TR-606 (remake), and TR-505 (remake) (Kinda hard to say they messed up the 505, since the original and new 505's are both shit.). They even went so far as to make a modern day 404 to make it seem like a remake of some classic, although no vintage 404 model ever existed previously. Here's a tip, Roland. You made your new "Juno" synth LOOK like a Juno 106. Nobody listening to a CD gives a flying fuck what an instrument LOOKS like. If the only similarity between your new synth and your old synth is cosmetic, fucking call it something else, because anyone shopping for a Juno isn't interested in an all-in-one midi workstation. They just want a fat analogue synth. Get a fucking clue.
Electric razors. Seriously, these overpriced pieces of shit should be fucking scrapped until Norelco or Gillette can figure out how to make a product that actually exceeds the efficiency, comfort and effectiveness of a two dollar Bic disposable razor. You spend a hundred bucks or whatever, and the result is a shave that constantly pinches, leaves stubble and tears your neck into hamburger meat. None of them will shave you as smooth as even the cheapest blade and they fucking HURT. Call me demanding, but pain factor shouldn't even be something to consider when weighing your shaving options. Electric razors have been around for over seventy five years. Figure out how to do it right or just fucking stop making them.
Employees who don't tell anyone when their equipment is in need of service until it completely dies.
"You guys have a breakfast for fifty people that starts in ten minutes! Where's the coffee?"
"The machine is broken."
"But we have four machines."
"Yeah, well, we've only been using one for the past month because the other three are broken, and that one just died this morning."
"Why didn't anyone tell me the others were broken? I could have had them fixed."
*lazy shrug of "don't know and don't give a shit"*
Women who think the only way to be be taken seriously in the professional world is to be a heinous, insufferable superbitch.
I think most people who read this page can figure out one of the things that pisses me off the most: People who, when faced with a scenario for which there is truly only one obvious solution, instead of moving into action stand there glassy-eyed with their mouths dangling open. Like if you're at a restaurant that sells only hotdogs and medium cokes, you don't ponder over your choices, you don't ask the guy at the counter a million questions, you tell him how many, slap your money down and go about your fucking day so the line can keep moving.
Today on the commute home, there was a delay on the 7 train. It was rush hour and the train was packed. It was sitting in Grand Central Station with the doors open for a long time. Often, delays last a few minutes and then the doors close and the train simply continues on its route, so I sat and waited and listened to my headphones. After about half an hour, the announcer came on the loudspeaker. "Attention passengers! Due to a fire and smoke condition on the track ahead, there will be NO 7 TRAIN SERVICE. For service to Queens, please catch the 4 or 5 train upstairs, take it to 59th street, and catch the R, N or W train. Once again, there is NO 7 TRAIN SERVICE TO QUEENS!"
Before he could even begin the sentence about alternate routes, I was out of my seat and pointed towards the door. The announcement came and went, and there we all stood. A few people were exiting the train, but the majority were just standing around like pea-brained cows who didn't understand that it was time to get out of the cattle car, and with nobody around with a cattle prod, they just stood there like idiots. I don't react well to these situations, particularly in packed subways where I'm stifled by people leaning on me from every direction. The door was only about six feet away, but the way out was very effectively plugged by a mass of bodies. After about fifteen seconds of people standing there looking dumb and watching people try to push through the mass of dipshits who seemed intent on staying, and me saying "excuse me" to the unresponsive dipshits repeatedly, I had reached my limit. At these times my mouth starts blurting things out. "GET OUT OF THE DOOR!"
This fifty-something bitch whose bloated ass was a considerable contributor to the blockage tried to shut me up by using the angry mom voice. "JUST... JUST WAIT, OKAY!"
"Wait for what? For you to stop being stupid? I spent the last thirty minutes waiting. You're eventually going to get out, so just get out! Why wait?"
She made some dumb stammering noise as the plug of people finally started to waddle out the door.
Ridiculous over the top digital photo editing. Seriously, some of you idiots need to learn where to draw the line before it looks like fucking anime. The point of using Photoshop to edit porn, or any modeling photography is to get rid of a zit here and a wrinkle there, not to make cosmetic surgery completely obsolete. Look. If I can tell exactly what size brush you used in Photoshop, you did it wrong. If you have a girl in a dimly lit room, her eyes and teeth should not be glowing snow white. Light won't always make perfect circles of glow on a girl's tits or ass cheeks. No, nobody has natural deep ultramarine eyes.
More on this, there are very few things that are more pathetic than Photoshopped fake naked celebrity pictures. I mean, seriously, there are very few things in the world that demonstrate having way too much time on your hands than a really weird looking picture of Lindsey Lohan's too-big head pasted onto a picture of Briana Banks spreading her pussy. The only thing that's worse than that is when they take a real picture of a celebrity in her red carpet best, and they use the eye-dropper tool to get a flesh-tone color, then use that color to cover up her dress with fucked up looking cartoon boobs. Here's a pro tip. There's more to nipples than "tan circle with a slightly darker circle in the middle of it," and making everything fuzzy and airbrush-looking does not add realism.
I was having dinner with a few people from work and we got on the topic of dating and marriage. Normally I hate those conversations, as they are usually dominated by one of two simple minded extremes, exemplified by the songs "Stand By Your Man" and "What Have You Done For Me Lately," but for the most part, the people seemed to be fairly level headed. We talked about what is needed to maintain healthy relationships, trust, forgiveness, realistic expectations, how to keep the spark flickering, etc. Then this one guy who had yet to interject into the conversation said one of the dumbest things I have ever heard come out of a human mouth. It was something along the lines of, "Yeah... It's hard sometimes for a man to trust a woman, because we all know it was a woman that got us expelled from the Garden of Eden. We even gave them a rib, and then, because of their actions, we lost our paradise. Every man has to deal with that." Believe me, I can't write shit that hilarious. This all came pouring out of the mind of this rambling dipshit. Oh, and I'd just like to clarify that we were NOT drinking. That dumbass remark completely obliterated the conversation. After that all the things we talked about seemed stilted and unnatural, like we were forcing conversation on ourselves just to get through the rest of the meal. It's the kind of thing you can't readily bounce back from. Like if someone you're dating tells you that they've met someone new and the sex is awesome and that they can't stand being around you anymore, and then five minutes later, "So how was work?"
I was in a pet store buying some cat food and I was behind this lady who looked like she was in her sixties. She said to the clerk in a farout new-agey tone, "Did you change something? It FEELS better in here."
The clerk politely humored her, "Uhhh, we have a new manager and we rearranged a few things."
Apparently his chakra wasn't tingling as much as hers, so she reemphasized, "But it FEELS better, you know? It FEELS better."
He shrugged. She said it again, making hard eye contact, apparently amazed that he wasn't aware of the spectacular aura shift that was blowing her mind.
Idiots who act like they can't get going in the morning without their DECAFFEINATED COFFEE. Why do people drink coffee in the morning? Because the caffeine wakes them up. You KNOW you aren't getting any caffeine, so there's not even a psychosomatic placebo effect going on here.
If an eight year old child with burns on his hands and whip welts on his back in a sweatshop in India uses a machine to crank out a thousand little silver teapots a day, we call it tableware.
If a guy wearing Kenneth Cole sits in his expensive Lower Manhattan co-op sipping chianti while hammering a piece of silver into a single little teapot of the exact same dimensions, we call it art
Meetings or other events where they give you a gift bag of cheap bullshit. Oh, good! A gift bag! Let's see what we have here... There's a pen that barely even writes and has enough ink to almost finish writing down someone's phone number, a notepad with one, two, three, doot-dee-dooooo uhhh, fifteen pages, a tiny tin of hideous tasting breathmints, some advertisements, a company logo refrigerator magnet that is barely even magnetic enough to hold up its own weight, some other advertisements, a business card, and uhhhh..... Yep... That's it. You know what? Just don't. I don't want this "gift."
Idiots who don't understand how lines work. Last night I was at the customer service counter at a clothing store. I was the first person in line waiting for a long fucking time as the cashier got all chatty with a customer. This lady approached the counter from the side and as soon as the other customer was finished, she blurted out, "I'm here to pick up some purses'" and slapped a receipt on the counter. The lady at the counter then looked at me and I said, "I'm here to pick up a couple of suits," and she reached out her hand and I handed her my receipt. The lady then made this "Guh...Tsss.... Pfff" sort of "what the fuck" insulted pissed off sound. YOU CUT IN LINE, CUNT! That doesn't make you next. I was actually impressed that the cashier didn't just do what this dumb bitch wanted.
People who think that because they are (insert race or national origin) they are inherently a naturally good (insert: lover, musician, comedian, artist, etc.).
Involuntary recycling programs. Look, if you want to spend more energy than is saved by recycling paper, plastic and aluminum, three substances that are not what any sane human would think of as valuable or rare, then by all means, be a deluded hippy and put a gold star on your chart. But when I don't give a shit, and I don't, and you self righteously mandate that I buy garbage bags in fifteen different colors and have an entire wall of my already cramped kitchen occupied by a giant row of garbage cans, and FINE me when I sort the garbage wrong, then you can go fuck yourselves. I'm a single male. I'm lucky if I remember to take ONE garbage can out, and now you want me to take out four? To add to the absurd inefficiency of recycling, the city pays someone to go around with the garbage truck, and if you put some plastic bottles in with the regular trash, they will dig through the bag and try to find a piece of mail with your name and address on it so they can nail the evil-doer with a ticket. This is just another pretentious attempt at feeling like human beings aren't the resource depleting pigs that they are. Want cleaner air, water and soil? Want enough trees, fuel, metal and minerals to last forever? I know the only solution, and it's not a candy-ass mandatory recycling program. NO MORE HUMANS EVER. Face it. It's the only way. People mandating recycling as though it will fix anything is like a "Save the Earth" sticker on a Hummer.
Interviewers who think an interview is about them being a star. Shut up if you're not going to do your job. At best your purpose is only to keep the pace of the interview and keep the topic relevant. The most you could possibly do is steer the interviewee towards topics that are interesting without flinging his lapel mic at you, saying "fuck this," and storming out. This is the core thing for you to keep in mind as an interviewer: YOU ARE LITTLE MORE THAN AN ELABORATE MICROPHONE STAND, and nobody who is watching the interview is watching it because they think you are interesting.
Managers that conduct meetings that seem to serve no purpose other than to give them an opportunity to hear their own voices and feel important. I just attended a 20 minute meeting with about 30 people in attendance. We were told that this meeting was very important and that attendance was mandatory. Here's a basic summary of the meeting:
-You guys are doing a good job.
-You could be doing a better job.
-Your manager's job is to tell you what to do.
-Do what your manager tells you.
-Thank you for coming.
Teenagers who think that just because they enjoyed a clumsy tit squeeze at their middle school dance, they are now adults with a deep understanding of all the complexities of human sexuality.
Metal polish that has a similar effect to spraying WD-40 all over the metal. Look, the idea is to make the surface CLEAN. If I lean against the elevator door and ruin my shirt, I guess it's not fucking clean, is it?
More people who don't fucking get it. I was just in line behind this bitch who wanted a rare hamburger, and would not take no for an answer, and returned her burger with copious bitching when it was too well done... at fucking BURGER KING. Idiot. There isn't some guy in the back with a meat thermometer carefully cooking burgers to order. There's a big fucking machine that runs the burgers over a fire on a CONVEYOR BELT.
That "roll the dice" moment when you clog a public toilet. If I flush it again, will it go down, will it stay clogged but stop short of the rim, or will it overflow? OOOOHHHH! SNAKE EYES.
Managers who panic and employees who gripe as though even the slowest days at work are so ridiculously busy that all they can do is freak out.
Melodramatic idiots who say everything in a "CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?" tone. "So I went to the store, right, and they didn't EVEN have any Coke." Who gives a shit? Drink something else, oh master of drama.
People older than you who assume that with age comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes agreeing with them. "Not a Christian? Well, I was young and rebellious once too. You'll come around. You're liberal? You're still idealistic and naive. When you're my age you'll understand." I've heard this argument used to promote everything from racism to country music to flawed grammar and pseudoscience. The tone is always condescending. The clear message is, "You're dumb and ignorant, and when you're my age, you'll realize how stupid you were and that I was right all along." Pardon me if I don't see eye to eye with the generation that elected Nixon, Reagan and Bush. There's a Bush in office for my generation too, but at least we have the excuse that we didn't actually elect him. Should I revere your wisdom in plastering your car bumper with an "Ollie for President" bumper sticker when he should have been sent up the river for treason, or respect you for making him a senator? You think I'm going to give a lot of credence to a generation that used to go to anti-war demonstrations and now has found "wisdom" in voting Republican, voting church leaders onto their school boards, driving SUV's and shopping at Old Navy? No thanks.
Musicians and artists who do something that is somewhat original, but try to inflate their own egos by acting like they have created something revolutionary.
"We've created this living audio environment."
"Hmmm.... Sounds like ambient music."
"But it has LIFE."
"Well, arguably, all music is supposed to have life"
"You just don't get it."
"I don't get what about your ambient music transcends all spiritual consciousness and creates a brand new evolving universe within itself? Boy, you got me there. Sounds like pretty run-of-the-mill ambient music to me "
Passive aggressive bullshit. If you have some problem with me, have the balls to say something. There is this woman I work with that does the same shit every day. When I arrive at work, I get my clipboard and go to her desk to update my planner so it matches hers. I ask to see the planner, which nine times out of ten interrupts a personal phone call and she makes me wait for a minute or two, pretending not to see me. After she's had her fill of making me wait, she turns to me and asks what I need, even though I need the exact same thing every time.
People in charge of keeping records who lose shit and act like it's your fault. Today when I came to work today my ID card didn't work. The security guard made a phone call to the ID office and said they needed to see my birth certificate. I replied that I had already shown them my birth certificate months earlier and that I obviously didn't have it with me. The guard gave me a frustrated sigh, got on the phone again to tell them I didn't have it with me, and then said to me,"Well, you can go through today, but they need it," as though I DID something to make THEM lose the fucking thing and that they were cutting me some slack and LETTING me come to work, despite them not having a copy of a document which THEY lost.
People in elevators who make it as obvious as possible that you are inconveniencing them by riding in the same elevator as them. How dare you delay the Lord of Elevators by making his trip take six seconds longer?
Today I got on a down elevator on the eighth floor. The guy who was already in it looked perturbed that I got on, and as soon as I got in, he hit the "close door" button. He was headed to the third floor. As soon as I hit the button for the sixth floor, he let out one of those loud sighs. You know the sound. It's not really a sigh so much as it's getting every bit of air out of your lungs with as much force as possible so it sounds like, "HUHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!" He crosses his arms and stands there rocking his weight from one foot to the other, getting himself as wound up as possible. I mean, how could some fucker get on HIS elevator and delay him TWICE by getting on AND off before he gets to his destination? The elevator got to the 6th floor and I got off. I looked over my shoulder, and out of the corner of my eye I saw him poke the "door close" button as soon as I stepped outside the door. The source of his annoyance was leaving and he was free to captain his 8x8x6 vessel away into the sunset... Then just before the door fully closed I waved my hand in the crack to trip the sensor and the door sprung open. As I walked away he made a sound like, "PFFFFFT EKK GUHHHHH!!!" and I heard the flick-flick-flick-flick sound of him frantically smashing the "door close" button.
People such as customers or managers who constantly change their minds and act like your inability to read their thoughts is basically you making a mistake. I just had a client come up to me asking if her printed menu cards are ready. We only make these on request and she did not order them previously. I said we did not have them for her and asked if she would like me to order them for her. She made the annoyed "you fucked up" face and walked away without a word. Pull your shit together before you switch into intolerable cunt mode, ass eater.
People that either don't understand how two way radios work or don't get the idea of using them to give concise information, and leave the button pressed so they can ramble on and on and don't let you respond, so when you try to hit the button on your radio to reply, you get that BEEEP sound. "Hey, I just wanted to tell you that the client in room 530 ordered five extra soft drinks...*BEEEEEEP* so I just thought you should know about it... *BEEEEEEEP* ...because I know you need to bill them....*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP* ...so that's five extra soft drinks... *BEEEEEEEEP* ...in room 530... *BEEEEEEP* ........so I thought I should call you.......... *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP* .....to let you know....*BEEEEEEP* so you can bill them...... Hello?..... *BEEEEEEEEEEP* .... Hello? *BEEEEP* Did you get that?.........................*BEEEEEEEEEEP* (At this point you throw the radio against the floor and are angry because it's fairly durable and doesn't smash into a million pieces.)
People that hear that I live in New York City who immediately ask me if I heard about some major news event in New York. "Did you hear about that New York Yankee who crashed his private plane into that apartment building?"
"Wait, WHAT? A NEW YORK YANKEE DID WHAT? When? How? Really?"
Gee, I might occasionally hear about major news events that are the front page stories in the international media that happen a half mile away from me in the most populous city in the western hemisphere.
People that smoke so much that when you're standing five feet away from them, and they aren't even currently smoking, it smells like you shoved your head up a cigarette's asshole.
People who always refer to everyone by a nickname.
"Yo, Big J! How's it hangin'? Oh, hey! If it isn't the Captain himself! How's it goin', Captain?"
"Hey there, FUCKTARD! Well if it isn't Mister FUCKTARD who thinks not remembering people's real names is endearing! WHATTUP, FUCKTARD!"
People who are perfectly comfortable picking their noses regardless of who is looking at them. Some of these fucks will even do it when they are talking right to your face. Hey, assholes. Welcome to society. Society thinks that is revolting, so, uh, STOP IT.
People who are totally baffled by credit. "Why the fuck didn't I get that loan?" Oh, gee... Probably because your credit is shit. Seriously, what is so complicated? If you are loaned money, you pay it back on time. The utility company sends you your bill, you pay it on time. Your rent is due on the 1st of the month, you don't pay it on the 17th. You have a cell phone plan or a membership at a gym, you pay your bills on time until the contract is finished. WHAT THE FUCK IS SO MYSTERIOUS?
People who don't own a single article of clothing, other than jeans, that isn't athletic wear - particularly when they don't regularly engage in any athletic activity. No, standing on the corner with your buddies, drinking beer and yelling at girls doesn't qualify.
People who have food allergies who don't say shit until they are in the middle of an attack. "Oh my god, you're swelling up like Tetsuo in 'Akira!' You're allergic to seafood, onions, tomatoes, AND peppers? We didn't HAVE to eat at Bayou Bill's Jambalaya Shack."
People who save empty liquor bottles and use them as decorations in their homes. Let me explain something. When you buy a consumable product that comes in a container, and then you consume the product, the container is now GARBAGE. Do you save old chicken bones and empty McDonald's ketchup packets too? Is it a trophy? "Hee-yuck! I done dranked that whoooole thing!" Good for you. You got drunk. Be sure to save the bottle to commemorate June 22, 2003, a date which holds no historical significance other than, "Dag-gone! I sure was drunk!"
People who seem to love to fight who always hear everything the wrong way.
A guy and a girl go on vacation. On the way home the guy says, "This was the best time ever."
What he means: "I had a really good time and am very happy."
What she hears: "This was the most fun I ever had with you because normally I'm completely bored and miserable whenever you're around, but this was actually surprisingly tolerable by comparison. Even all those times you fucked me were really disappointing and not very noteworthy and I'm pretty disgusted with you most of the time and I think you're a complete bitch and usually you are a detractor from how much fun I have rather than someone who makes me happy. I honestly don't know why I'm wasting my life hanging around you because alI you do is bring me down. Your ass is flabby and your tits are saggy and I think I'd have a lot more fun if I was with some hot little nympho who knows how to do something in bed besides sleep or read a book. Maybe I could meet a girl who's younger and better looking than you who knows how to give a decent blowjob and actually even enjoys swallowing my semen instead of constantly nagging me and acting like she's PMSing 365 days a year (366 on leap years). I was truly shocked and relieved that we could actually be together for longer than two hours without having to sit through "Runaway Bride" or "The Ya Ya Sisterhood" or "The Wedding Planner" or another one of those retarded cookie-cutter chick flick snore-fests. I actually mentioned that I had a good time purely out of surprise that I could actually stand being around you for a whole week without you turning into a giant asshole or starting on one of your pathetic fits of crying for no reason. A good time with you? Wow! I never would have guessed that was even possible!"
People who should know better, like party DJ's, who have their EQ's set all wrong. I mean, can you not hear that it sounds like a shitty mish-mash of muddy midrange and ear-splitting treble?
People who think of a newspaper as a daily publication about sports surrounded by a bunch of paper that has no apparent purpose. They fail to realize that there is a purpose to the rest of the newspaper... advertising cars, advertising movies, advertising clothes, advertising real estate... oh, and important news events like Madonna adopting African babies.
People who think that people with allergies are just overreacting, as though having a massive sneezing fit or asthma attack is something they can control. I'm allergic to dogs and always have been. In fact I have been to the hospital several times for asthma attacks because I was around dogs. Often the person with the dog says things like, "Oh, you should be fine. I vacuumed and I'll put the dog outside while you're over," as though all the dander and saliva in their carpet, on their couch, in the air, and literally covering every surface in their house is just magically gone. I'll meet you for coffee, meet up for a movie, have dinner in a restaurant, or we can hang at my place, but I'm not going to try to pretend to be relaxed and enjoying myself while it feels like my lungs are filled with steel wool and someone is standing on my chest. But your dog is a member of the family, you say? Fine. Enjoy your family. I'll be somewhere else, not interrupting your wonderful family life.
People who use "kiss of death" terms for people when everyone knows these by now. Here's a tip for the ignorant. If someone you don't know well calls you "chief, boss, my friend, bud, champ, etc." just take it to mean retarded fuckhead.
People who use the restroom, go to the sink and then splash cold water on their hands for half a second. Who do you think you're fooling? The idea is to get rid of the germs, not just slightly moisten them.
People who wake up, take a shower and brush their teeth, eat breakfast, brush their teeth, commute to work, wash their hands, have a cup of coffee, brush their teeth and wash their hands, go to a meeting, wash their hands, do some work, wash their hands, eat lunch, brush their teeth, do some more work, wash their hands, have a pepsi with a straw, brush their teeth and wash their hands, commute home, take a shower, wash their hands, eat dinner, brush their teeth, watch tv, take a shower, brush their teeth and go to bed... who think everyone around them is a filthy animal.
Public restroom freaks. The restroom I am in as I write this is in very good repair. It is clean and all of the stalls have doors with perfectly functional latches on them. WHY then did I just walk in and see this fucker sitting there with his pants around his ankles taking a shit with the stall door wide open? Hmmm... Let's just look at my list of things I want to see... Yep, there it is right at the very bottom: "Man taking a shit."
Q: What do you call someone who drinks 250 dollar scotch?
A: An asshole.
Retarded graphic designers. I just saw an ad for a microwave oven that made my eye twitch. The microwave was shown straight on. "Inside" the microwave was a bowl of popcorn. While the idea of an uncovered bowl of popcorn in a microwave is stupid in the first place, what really pissed me off was that the bowl was shot from a 3/4 kind of top-down angle. Think about this for a second. The oven is sitting flat, viewed straight on, yet something which is supposedly sitting inside it is viewed from above. This picture isn't from the ad, but I made it to give you a general idea.
.
Retards who get cosmetic surgery, and then a few months later look exactly the same plus scars.
Ridiculously aggressive people. Today I was crossing the street, and there were cars coming. I intended to cross the street going north, and then walk down the block going east, so I kind of walked along the edge of the street going east alongside the parked cars until traffic was clear so I could cross. I didn't realize there was someone in one of the parked cars, and as I walked, a car door swung open a few feet in front of me. I was surprised, but didn't really think anything of it, and just walked around it and continued on my way. Then I heard this barrage of bitch noise from behind me. I call it bitch noise because that's really the best way to describe it. This bitch got out of her car and was hurling all kinds of insults and accusations at me. I really didn't listen to what she actually said, suffice to say, she basically had gotten out of her car to kick my ass for walking NEAR it. "HOW YOU GONNA (yackety yackety) FUCKIN' MOTHERFUCKER GONNA (blah blah blah)" and so on and so forth. I crossed the street and walked down the block, trying to ignore the steady stream of bitch noise. As I rounded the corner of the block, I looked back at the car, and she was STILL standing next to it giving me the hard alpha stare.
That weird iridescent wet-look thing that happens to wool suits when they have been worn too much. "What, already? FUCK! Now I have to buy a new suit before people realize I don't actually enjoy looking like some pencil-dicked republican."
That weird long pinkie nail thing on guys. Why the fuck? These guys cut all of their nails short, except they leave just the nail on their pinkie long and disgusting. What the fuck is that for? I had a waiter at my last job who did that shit once, and I told him to cut it. He tried to make excuses for having it without actually explaining what the fuck it was. I was like, "You serve FOOD. People see your hands as you set the plates down. In fact, some people have a habit of intentionally looking at waiters' hands to make sure some filthy jerk isn't handling their food." He kind of laughed, but I restated that he needed to cut it. The next day he showed up and I looked and it was still there, so I went to my office, grabbed a nail clipper and handed it to him. He acted really weird and reluctant to cut it off, once again tried to dodge the subject. He cut it off and as he handed the nail clipper back he had an expression like I had just popped his balloon.
The bullshit redundant word, "guesstimate." What the fuck do you think a guess is? It's a fucking estimate.
The fact that a large cross-section of Mac idiots think that Mac is immune to viruses. Why would hackers bother writing viruses for 5% of computers? If they had the interest, of course Mac would have more viruses. Besides, the people who write viruses are generally advanced computer users, and advanced computer users are highly unlikely to use a Mac because Mac is shit. Mac not getting viruses is akin to nerds who can't get laid to save their lives being safe from HIV.
The fact that on practically every phone menu, the very last option is the one everyone wants, to speak to an actual human. This is made even more excruciating by the fact that the person on the recording speaks painfully slowly and on more and more of these, "0" does not get you a person.
"Welcome to Annoying as Fuck Company..... Insert trite corporate slogan.... In order to better serve you...... Please slelect one of the following..... options....... For English...... Press 1 *BOOP* ....... Welcome to our customer service....... menu..... Please be aware that for quality assurance and training..... purposes..... this call may me monitored..... or recorded..... Our phone menu has changed..... Please listen to the following.... options....... To reach our sales.... department.... press one.... For wholesale..... press two.... for accounts payable..... press three..... For accounts receivable..... press four...... For international orders.... press five...... To track a shipment..... press six.... For human resources... press seven..... For business hours and retail store locations.... press eight.... For tax exempt and government orders.... Press nine......." You smash the zero out of desperation. *BOOOP!!!* "....... I'm sorry.... That is an invalid entry....." WHAT THE FUCK!!! "Welcome to our customer service....... menu....." Holy fucking shit! You then sit and listen to all the options again. "....For tax exempt and government orders.... press nine..... If you know your party's extension..... you may enter it at any time..... To speak to a customer service representative...... press one-nine-three...." WHAT?! FUCK YOU!
The fact that the filthiest, most disgusting guy in every restaurant is always the guy washing the dishes.
The fact that there are a million video games about auto racing, and the primary objective in 999,999 of them is: "Don't bump into the sides or you will slow to a crawl and it will take for-fucking-ever to reaccellerate and beat the lead car which is so far beyond any kind of realistic human reflexes that it's basically just the game cheating."
The way book reviews come out AS the book is coming out.
The way people in the Bush administration repeatedly make allusions to the Nazis. They paint America's enemies as the "Axis of Evil," "Fascists," and make references to the Nazis over and over as being terrible, evil people, the likes of which they are trying to defend America against, yet they are using almost identical tactics, fearmongering, rhetoric and propaganda as the Nazis did.
Customer service people who don't know shit about shit. I called my bank today to add an alternate authorized address to my checking card so I can use it to make online purchases and receive FedEx shipments at work. I called and went through the phone menu maze until I came to a live person (I use the term loosely). She said that it was impossible to add an address, as the system would recognize the added address as my new address and all my statements, etc. would be sent to my job.
I hung up, called right back, got a different operator, and three minutes later I hung up with a new alternate address successfully added to my account.
This trend of people just saying "No I didn't" as their defense when they are caught red handed doing shit. I seriously can't remember a time in my life that so many people were so full of shit that they will look straight down the lens of a camera and say, "Nuh-uh" when a camera just like it caught them doing what they are now denying.
Bush's battle cry for the last few years in regards to Iraq has been "Stay the Course," meaning that we will stay there until the job, whatever the hell that job is today, is done. When the Republicans were in the final stretch of their House and Senate campaigns, Bush said basically that he never said "Stay the Course" and that he was flexible. Out came the videotape of him saying it about a dozen times.
Of course this mirrors Bush's pal, Dick Cheney, who before the war said that Iraq was producing WMD and was an "imminent threat." After no evidence of WMD was found, "I never said that." Out came the videotape, and after watching it, he retorted that they obviously misunderstood him. What the fuck else could he mean,?"And by 'Imminent threat,' of course, I mean that I really like pizza. Pizza is delicious." Bullshit.
Today I saw a hilarious video of Faith Hill pulling a Kanye West at the Country Music Awards. They showed all of the nominees for best female artist in this sort of montage, and when they called someone else's name, Faith Hill threw up her hands, looked around in disbelief and then screamed an incredulous "WHAT??!!!" into the camera before storming out of the shot. Later she said that it was a joke and it would be "unimaginable" that she could show such poor sportsmanship. I don't have to imagine it, dipshit. I SAW it.
While we're on the topic of music entertainment, let's all be serious for a second. We all saw Janet Jackson's tit. We all know it wasn't an accident or a "wardrobe malfunction" that caused us all to see the tit, right? She even had an elaborate nipple clamp for the occasion, which she's lucky Timberlake didn't accidentally grab and tear off. I think it's moot to go into whether or not seeing the tit was shocking or whatever. I am of the opinion that, while I have seen better tits, and it was a pretty dumb stunt, seeing a tit is almost always better than not seeing a tit.
Seriously, what ever happened to, "I fucked up. Sorry about that." The answer to all of the above circumstances is, "My bad," not " Who, ME? Not me. Nuh-uh. I would never."
Toilet paper has many criteria by which you could grade it: texture, thickness, softness, absorbency, number of plies, quilted/flat, etc. However, the criteria used by pretty much every asshole who maintains a public restroom is: low cost, low cost, low cost, low cost and low cost.
"Hmm... Time to order another palate of toilet paper. Let's see what we can find in this paper supply catalogue.... Charmin... neh... Northern.... neh.... Bargain basement... Nnnnneh... Campground grade.... Nnnnnnneh.... Wait a second. What's this brand, 'Not for Human Use?" Never heard of that one before. WOW! Ten thousand rolls for three dollars! Sold! Boy, that was a hard day's work. T.G.I.F! Guess I'll go see if I can knock some candy bars out of the snack machine until quittin' time."
Employers who think that part of the package deal for you being employed by them is that they can call you at any hour of the day or night, and 90% of the time, it's something they could have told you at an actually reasonable time. Then, when I hit "ignore" on my phone, they call right back, because they're too IMPORTANT to leave me a message. Then I hit ignore and turn off the phone. Then, 3 hours later, when I wake up and call them back, they act annoyed that I didn't pick up the phone earlier. Here's a tip. At 6am on my day off, you are the LAST person I'm going to talk to. It's not "take one for the team" time 100% of the time.
People who think they are being edgy by ripping on Christmas, the materialism of Christmas, etc. Woooo. Way to really go out on a creative limb there. That totally hasn't been done
That dumb recurring theme in kids' cereal commercials: Theft or otherwise trying to get something one is not supposed to have. Think of the Trix Rabbit, Fred and Barney, Lucky from Lucky Charms, and the Cookie Crook (before GM turned into giant pussies and got rid of him but kept his fucking DOG). Seriously, what the fuck? Trust me, kids want your shit anyway. You don't need to market it in a "OH MY GOD, YOU GOTTA HAVE THIS NO MATTER WHAT, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO STEAL IT OR TRICK YOUR MOM TO GET IT" way.
Activists for legitimately good causes who weaken their arguments through exaggerations, sloppy journalism, fabrications, excessive emotion,etc. Look at Michael Moore for instance. Don't get me wrong, I think his heart is in the right place, but he exaggerates figures, scripts and stages interviews, uses things out of context, plays on emotion, uses "clever" editing, etc. Then when his documentary comes out, all his subjects have to do is point out how misleading it was, cite some evidence of his inconsistencies, exaggerations, and lack of journalistic integrity, and the people he attacks get the last laugh.
Ball busters who think they can magically and instantly become your best buddy. I am a manager. It is my job to make sure my staff is constantly busy, does high quality work, doesn't screw around, and doesn't steal or damage company property. I'm actually not one of those evil martinet asshole managers, but nonetheless, I understand why I don't get invited out for beers on fridays. It's something I accept.
Today we had a client who had an all day meeting with a breakfast, a morning coffee break and a buffet lunch. The guy is a royal pain the ass from the time he comes in until he leaves. We have his meetings a few times a month, and the guy has become famous for being a complete cock about everything to do with his meetings. "You're not going to put the napkins there, are you? Where is the caffeine free diet coke? I SPECIFICALLY ORDERED CAFFEINE FREE DIET COKE! You're just going to put the salad dressings in bowls? Don't you have some sort of sauce boats? Get those sandwiches out of here. They look atrocious. You're going to just use white tablecloths? Ugh. You're going to ice the ice water glasses NOW? Lunch isn't for another 15 minutes!"
So today the staff was in an unused dining room eating breakfast and he walked in, sat down at the table with the waiters, as all the staff is giving him the 'what the fuck do you want' look, and he starts cracking jokes. Within 3 minutes, the entire staff had scarfed down their breakfast and 'politely excused themselves.' Sorry, asshole. You can't just switch it on and off when you feel like it. You're a dick, the staff all think of you as a dick, and you will always be a dick. Thanks for ruining breakfast, dick.
Celebrity impersonators. Seriously. Here's a step by step guide to being 99% of all impressionists.
Step 1: Create a unique reportoire of people you impersonate. You know, like George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Robert De Niro, Jerry Seinfeld, Sean Connery, Jack Nicholson, Arnold Schwarzeneggar, Rodney Dangerfield, Sylvester Stallone, William Shatner, Christopher Walken, Joe Pesci... You know, people that no other impersonators do.
Step 2: Have no material outside impersonations.
Step 3: Find one or two phrases or mannerisms that your subject says or does... OR EVEN THAT THEY DON'T. Fuck it, just make something up. Use these at least once every three sentences. For instance, if you're doing George Bush Sr. say "Wouldn't be prudent." As long as you talk like a frumpy old man and wear round black rimmed glasses and hold a cigar, your George Burns is golden. If you're doing Bill Clinton, point with your thumb. If you're doing Joe Pesci, just do that entire fucking "Do I amuse you" dialogue verbatim and retards will laugh.
Retards who believe urban myths even after you say, "Yeah, I heard that one before. In fact, here's a website on urban myths and here's a page with that myth specifically, including a couple of variations." Go ahead. Keep believing in the vanishing hitchhiker, and I will keep thinking you're an idiot. What's even worse are the people who you catch telling you an urban myth, and they then either try to embellish the story to try to differentiate it from the myth, or try to defend it as "THIS HAPPENED TO ME!! WHY WOULD I MAKE SOMETHING LIKE THIS UP? I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!" Well gee. Why would you make up something like your involvement in a well-known urban myth? It makes you seem interesting? It sparks conversation? You're a liar? To get laid? Pick one.
Assholes who go to restaurants and nickle-and-dime their waiter the entire time they're there. This guy has other tables too, dick. "Could I get another coke?" The waiter goes to the kitchen, gets a coke and delivers it to the table. Before he can walk away, "Oh, and can you bring us some more bread?" The waiter goes to the kitchen, makes a bread basket and delivers it to the table. Before he can walk away, "Oh, and also could you bring us some more butter?" The waiter goes to the kitchen, makes a butter plate and delivers it to the table. Before he can walk away, "Oh, and can you bring me some more salad dressing?" The waiter goes to kitchen, finds a ramekin, pours salad dressing in it, and delivers it to the table. Before he can walk away, "Oh, and actually, could I get a new coke with no ice? I might not have said I didn't want ice." The waiter goes to the kitchen, pours a new glass of coke without ice, takes the coke to the staff restroom, dunks his balls in it, stirs it around a little bit with his balls, pulls his balls out, shakes the excess coke from his ballsack over the glass, washes the rest of the coke from his balls so as not to get a case of syrup nuts, checks the coke to ensure it is free from curly hairs that might give away the special care he has given the order and delivers the coke to the table. Before he leaves, he cheerfully asks, "Will there be anything else, sir?" When I'm eating with someone and they do this to the waiter, I feel like leaving the waiter a 30% tip, apologizing to them right in front of the person I'm with, and explaining to the waiter that the person I'm eating lunch people was raised by ass trolls.
Cell phone belt clips that are designed in such a way that the phone falls on the ground whenever you don't stand perfectly still or if the wind blows a little.
Cell phone belt clips that are designed in such a way that you can rarely even manage to get it off and answer the phone before it goes to voicemail.
Disproportionately strict uniform rules for low-paying entry-level jobs. I understand that you want your employees to reflect your desired company image, and that you can't have some dick with filthy fingernails and a "Fuck You" shirt working the counter, but if all you're willing to pay is minimum wage, and offer no benefits or job security, then fuck you - the lip ring stays in. If all you offer your employees is an absolutely unenviable McJob, then get a McClue. You can't expect to pay someone shit, and make them do shit, and expect them to be perfect.
Employees who have one of their coworkers fuck up, causing them to do five seconds of extra work, who go to the manager and say, "I don't want to work with them anymore." Tough shit. I currently have an employee who doesn't want to work with about two thirds of his coworkers. I have the perfect solution. Quit.
Fuckers with runny noses who sniffle and snort with every inhale. *Sniffff* (wait 3 seconds) *Snifffff* (wait 3 seconds) *Sniffffff* Blow your fucking nose, snotface.
Graffiti morons. What's the fucking point? So your scribbling skills can be admired by future generations? Not likely. There is this door at my subway stop that gets completely covered in graffiti and then painted over about once a week. Do you idiots just not see what's coming? You scribble your bullshit on the door, then a few days later you're at the station and think, "Hey, I'm gonna go admire my scribble... But wait! It's gone! I'll show them!" *Scribble scribble*
So after months of graffiti/paint over/graffiti/paint over, the New York Police Department, like the retards that they are, decided to DO something about it. Did they set up a hidden camera? Did they have someone watch the door undercover? NO. They placed an office chair, facing the door, about 15 feet away, and put an in-uniform police officer, IN PLAIN SIGHT in that chair... 24 hours a day for about 3 months. YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK. Think of the logic here, seriously. They are PAYING PEOPLE TO SIT ON THEIR FAT ASSES AND WATCH.... A DOOR... so that they won't have to expend a couple of cents every few weeks to paint over graffiti, OR JUST SAY FUCK IT, and not even bother to paint over it. Think of the logic at work here. They think they are going to CATCH SOMEONE by doing this. They think the perpetrator(s) are just going to walk right up, flip off the cop who is sitting RIGHT THERE, and spray graffiti on the door while the cop watches. It's fucking staggering how stupid that is.
Guys who have really absurdly inflated anxiety about women menstruating or the fact that they have to share the same universe as tampons and pads. The idea of handling a sealed package of clean tampons totally freaks them out. You know, because little cylinders of cotton are a serious threat to their manhood. "Oh my god! She has maxi pads in her purse. That means that she's a woman somewhere between the ages of 11 and 60. Holy shit, I bet she even has (gasp) a VAGINA!"
Hardcore right-wingers and hardcore left-wingers who think that if you are not a hard-liner you have no spine and don't believe in anything.
People who are centrists because they don't want to offend anyone.
Jobs where there is no place for the employees to sit down except the public restroom toilet.
Lazy Photoshopping. Budweiser is the absolute worst for this shit. You'll see an ad and four people will be holding dew-speckled bottles of Bud Light... the SAME bottle of Bud Light. All the dew speckles are in the exact same spots. I recently saw an ad for the Bronx Zoo that featured a family-like group of giraffes. Some were smaller, some facing left, some right... but it was the same fucking giraffe. It wasn't even multiple pictures of the same giraffe, just multiple copies of the same picture scaled up or down and flipped left or right. Let's think about this shit for a second. You picked an animal that has UNIQUE SPOT PATTERNS that make one animal easily identifiable from another and then copy-pasted them all over an ad like nobody would notice. It takes two seconds for someone to look and think, "Oh. It's just a bunch of copies of the same thing. They must think I'm stupid."
Managers who don't think you need time off because they don't relate to what you do in your spare time. "I know it's really slow on Friday, but why do you need to take off? You're just going to play on the computer. You can do that here."
People are overly apologetic when they slip and curse. "I have all the reports done that I need for the meeting, I just need to pick up some shit from my desk. OH! I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Excuse me. It slipped. Sorry. Sorry." Who gives a fuck? Did you see my jaw drop open and hear me gasp in horror? No, you didn't. I think it's fair to say that everyone over the age of three has heard the word 'shit' and the only adults who will really recoil and make a big stink about it are born again christians... And who gives a shit what they think?
New York City hustlers. I wasn't born in the city, but I have always had a fairly keen perception for when someone is trying to rip me off. Suffice to say, the "I live in a neighboring town and need to get home to my wife who is giving birth right now but I don't have any money for gas" guy gets about as much money from me as Greenpeace gets from Dick Cheney.
So I'm walking through the subway station hallway and this guy is walking in the opposite direction. He's turning his head to talk to his friend and is not watching where he's going. I am walking in a perfectly straight line. As he nears me he veers a bit towards me and bumps into me. I say what you might expect. "Watch where the fuck you're going, dipshit." Yes, I have a big fucking mouth, but sometimes that's what the job calls for.
The guy then starts pointing to the ground and giving me the "What the fuck" gesture. I look down and see a broken pair of glasses on the ground. They had supposedly been in his left hand and were knocked to the ground when he bumped me.
"Why don't YOU watch where you're going, asshole," he said. "You fucking broke my glasses."
"No, YOU broke your glasses. If you weren't so busy giggling with your friend and swerving to run into me, your glasses would be fine."
"You gonna pay for that? That shit cost me 200 bucks!"
"Why? Do I have to pay every time you break something yourself? YOU bumped into ME."
At this point he gave up and was like, "Whatever." He reached down and picked up the glasses and went on his way.
Later that day I was at work telling my coworkers what had happened. As I told the story, one of them in particular seemed unusually interested, even agitated.
"Was it a tall black guy?"
"Yeah."
"Was this at the train station at the corner of 6th and 42nd?"
It occurred to me that I had not mentioned exactly what train station this had happened in. "Yes it was. Why?"
"I gave that fuckin' guy fifty bucks the other day."
A few months later some kid at Fordham in The Bronx did the exact same thing. I saw him coming at me from a mile away, glasses in hand. When the glasses hit the ground and he made the "what the fuck" gesture, I calmly said, "Oh, hey! It's that 'pay for the broken glasses' scam. Sorry, kid. I've seen that shit before. Now fuck off before I find a cop."
Apparently "Whatever" is the standard response when the supposed victim isn't buying it, because he said the exact same thing as the first guy.
On the opposite end, you have people who are so stupid that people can easily rip them off with obvious or well-known scams. One particular thing that comes to mind is "Three Card Monte." I moved to NYC from Kentucky, and I was amazed to find people still playing it, because EVEN A GUY FROM KENTUCKY knows it's bullshit. For those unfamiliar with what this is, a guy will set up a tray-table or a smooth board on top of milk crates on a sidewalk. He has three playing cards that have been creased vertically, so he can pick them up by the raised "spine" and shuffle them around. One is usually the Queen of Hearts. People bet on being able to pick the Queen of Hearts once he stops shuffling. He then flips the card over to show them that they fucking LOSE, LOSE, LOSE. At least, that is how this "game" appears on the surface. In reality, this is not really a game, or even gambling, but a simple sleight of hand magic trick with a little social engineering thrown in for good measure. See, in gambling, there is a probability that you will win. Three Card Monty is basically just handing your money to some asshole because you're too stupid not to. You CANNOT WIN, unless he DECIDES he wants you to win. You can follow the card perfectly, and when you point at it, he will ALWAYS turn it over to reveal that you are wrong. Even if you point at the correct card, when he flips it over, it will not be the Queen of Hearts. How do people get lured into this hopeless scenario? One thing that helps grease the wheels is that an observer will see groups of people beating the guy and winning wads of cash. These are not "winners." These people are part of the scam, and at the end of the day, they all split the "winnings."
People in crowded public spaces that seem to think that if their bag keeps hitting you it doesn't count. Yesterday on the train, this fucktard had a briefcase that kept bumping the back of my knee. I let my knee bend a bit and then quickly straightened my leg, flicking the briefcase away. This made the guy's arm flop upwards. He gave me this look like I was crazy, which, of course, is in my favor in a situation where some douchebag thinks he can get away with being a douchebag because surely nobody would be crazy enough to say something. He moved. Thank you for moving, shit-neck.
People who are too stupid to assess a situation and think for two seconds. I was just in an elevator at work. The door opened and this guy with a cart of office supplies got on... well... almost. The cart was about three inches too long for the door to close. It was also almost the full width of the door, which made changing the angle of the cart impossible. Did the guy realize the cart was never going to fit, and take it to the freight elevator on the other side of the floor where it would definitely fit? What do you think? Instead, he backed the cart up a few inches and rammed it against the back wall of the elevator. Then when it still wouldn't fit he put his back into it and used steady force to push the cart against the back wall of the elevator, like the steel cart was just going to squish like an accordion until those last three inches fit inside and the elevator door would close. Finally after 15 seconds or so, the elevator door had enough and started beeping and closing, sort of the elevator equivalent of "move it or lose it." Now the guy was really determined, and he started ramming it repeatedly against the back wall of the elevator. I was tired of the bullshit too, and said, "It's not going to fit. You need to go to the freight elevator. " He looked at me as though I had just slapped his daughter in the mouth with my dick. He gave the cart a couple more pushes, gave me the face again, and finally backed out of the elevator.
People who believe "The Da Vinci Code" is a completely true historical account because they are too stupid to read a NOVEL without it uprooting all their previously held beliefs.
People who believe "The Da Vinci Code" is an inaccurate historical account, not because it's a NOVEL, and hence, inherently a WORK OF FICTION, but because they are trying to keep from having their hilarious religious faith shaken, plus the Pope calls B.S. "Yo. I'm the Pope. I read 'The Da Vinci Code' and I'm calling B.S. on that shit. We can't just have a bunch of assholes writing tons of gibberish that is totally fabricated and having weak-minded people thinking it's real. That's OUR gig."
Movies, particularly sci-/horror movies that say, "Based on real events. Usually the extent to which they are based on actual events is like, in the movie, there is a guy named Dave who lives in Minnesota, who was abducted by aliens who performed mindblowingly cruel experiments on him and then returned him to earth with special powers of telepathy and telekinesis, and in real life in Minnesota there are actually quite a few guys named Dave.
People who can't stand any animals on any level.
People who chew gum as though their life depends on chomping it as frantically as possible.
People who don't understand English who nod and say, "Yes," to everything. Please, if you don't understand, let me fucking know and I'll find someone to translate or something.
Me: "Would you mind taking this folder to Ed from accounting?"
Guy who doesn't understand: (Big smile) "Okay! Yes, yes, okay!" (Nod, nod, nod)
Hours later....
Ed from accounting: "Could you send me those invoices we talked about earlier? I never received them."
Me: "Hang on a second."
Me to guy: "Remember that folder I gave you earlier to take to Ed?"
Guy: "Yes, yes."
Me: "What happened to it? Ed never got it."
Guy: "Okay. Yes."
People who get busted breaking the law who think that a logical defense is that the law is unfair. Of course, many laws may seem illogical or unfair to you, but that doesn't stand up in court when you get pulled over for driving 90 in a school zone while smoking crystal meth with your dick in the mouth of a thirteen year old girl.
People whose houses or apartments are spotlessly clean, and then you realize that it's not tidy because they clean up, but because they simply don't have any stuff. Like, your apartment has a bed, a couch, a chair, a dresser with a few articles of clothing in it, a closet with one pair of shoes and one jacket in it, a TV, a frying pan, a microwave oven, a refrigerator, a plate, a bowl, a fork, a knife, a spoon, a cup, a bar of soap, a tube of toothpaste, a toothbrush, a bottle of shampoo, a towel, a desk, a computer and a garbage can... OF COURSE it's clean.
People who get really hung up on semantics about their job title.
"So how long have you been a magician?"
"I'm not a magician. I'm an illusionist."
"Oh, so you use tricks, sleight of hand and optical illusions to make objects seem to disappear, appear, move unnaturally, be destroyed and then remade, and stuff like that?"
"Yeah."
"That's funny. That's what magicians do."
People who get ridiculously melodramatic about the repulsiveness of bodily functions. I was having lunch with some people from work and this girl had been on a date over the weekend. One girl asked her how it went and she curled her lip up and kind of chuckled the "don't ask" chuckle. The basic summary of her date horror was that during dinner, the guy went to the restroom, spent too long there to have taken a piss, and presumably had instead taken a shit. This ruined the whole date. The mood was destroyed.
So I'm sitting there waiting for someone to shoot this chick's phobias down, maybe say something like, "What's he supposed to do, shit his pants?" But instead, the girl she's talking to is in complete agreement. I mean, if they were making out, and the guy ripped a huge fart, then yeah, that's pretty bad, but this guy excused himself, went to the restroom and used it. HOW DARE HE? This girl was acting like the guy stood up at the table, turned around, pulled down his pants, pinched off a giant loaf onto his plate and then mixed it into his pasta primavera and ate it. I hate to shatter your little perfect world, but guess what.... People sometimes shit. Know what Brad Pitt, Keanu Reeves, Johnny Depp, and Matthew McConaughey all did today? They all took big smelly shits. DEAL WITH IT.
People who go to restaurants and expect the waiter to read their minds. Yesterday we had this customer who ordered a tuna salad. When the waiter took it to him he had a disgusted look on his face.
"Is there mayonnaise in this?"
"Yes there is, dumbass, because that's what's in tuna salad! If we didn't put mayo in it, the other 99.999% of people who order it and EXPECT mayo would be like 'where's the fucking mayo?' and they would be right because the two main ingredients in tuna salad are tuna and fucking mayo! If you wanted tuna salad without the mayo you should have fucking asked for it, not have us GET YOUR ORDER RIGHT and then have to THROW IT AWAY because we didn't read your goddamn mind!" Of course, that's not what the waiter said, but it's what the guy deserved.
People who haven't figured out how to end a relationship without turning into a big heartless asshole.
People who never understand that the relationship is over unless you turn into a big heartless asshole.
People who obviously inflate the supposed value of something thinking that people will be more careful with it.
Maitre 'D's instructions to a group of temp waiters working a banquet: "Be extremely careful with these china plates. Each one costs 500 dollars."
Saying this will cause one of the following mental reactions:
1.) "Bullshit. There's no possible way this place spent 500 bucks per plate. Do they expect me to believe they spent a million dollars just on plates, coffee cups, saucers and shit? No fucking way."
2.) "Oooohhh. I'd better make sure to steal a few of these before I leave."
It will, however, NOT cause the following reaction:
"Oh. Originally I was planning to knock my elbow against that door frame as I walked past while carrying these plates, or maybe slip on a wet spot and drop one of them on the floor, but I guess I'd better not, because I care deeply about accidental loss of property for an establishment where I have never worked, and am unlikely to ever work again."
People who think it's perfectly normal to be constantly at war with everyone around them. They go to work and make sure all their coworkers hate their guts, as though constantly battling your coworkers is just part of having a job. Here's a tip. If you think everyone at your job is a douchebag, and everyone there thinks you're a douchebag, and then you go home and you think your wife and kids are douchebags, and they think you're a douchebag, and then you call your parents on the phone and the conversation quickly deteriorates into an argument about which of you is the bigger douchebag, THAT'S NOT NORMAL.
People who think that it's perfectly acceptable to take their dog ANYWHERE, particularly when they have one of those obnoxious dogs that likes to jump up on everyone, which of course, they never reprimand the dog for, and if you have a problem with that, then YOU'RE an asshole.
People who think the dude who does the weather on their small-town local news channel is a celebrity.
People who think they're being wonderfully courteous by holding the door for you when you're still several seconds away from the door. Of course, you can't just stroll casually to the door at the pace you were originally walking or you'll look like a complete dick, so you do the faggy little fake jog thing, you know, the "wait, I'm coming" thing, which is more of a pantomime than an actual exertion towards moving faster. You're smiling at them and going, "Thank you... Thanks... Thanks... Thank you..." People who deliver babies on crowded buses in rush hour traffic don't even get this kind of gratitude. It's almost passive-aggressive, like, "Hah! I can make this guy run."
People who routinely use the word "unacceptable." You know what a waiter, hotel desk clerk, retail salesperson, etc. thinks when you use this word? "Oh, okay. nothing I do at this point will ever make this fucking bitch happy, so fuck 'em. Maybe I'll make a half-hearted effort to pretend to try to fix the problem, but they're never going to be satisfied, so I might as well wash my hands of them." Take this as a hint. Abusing this word is far more likely to make your waiter put his balls on your food than give you better service, and the more liberally you use this word, the greater the odds. I've never heard this word used when there actually was a severe problem. Rather, it's a word used by primadonnas who freak out when they get a knife with a water spot on it or a hotel room that's four doors awar from the ice machine instead of right next to it or some other miniscule shit that only an asshole would truly freak out about. One time I had a client order a huge seafood station for a cocktail party. After we set it up, she walked into the room to inspect it. It looked great and we fully expected her to not only be satisfied, but impressed. She walked about six feet into the room, stood there staring at the table for about a minute solid without moving, then she made an abrupt about-face and stormed out of the room to find me in the hallway. "Come with me," she snapped. I walked into the room with her and she starts making the stink-face. "Do you smell that? Something smells fishy! This is unacceptable!" Gee, I can't imagine why a closed room that is one-third filled with a wide variety of shrimp, lobster, crab, mussels, clams, oysters, sushi, smoked salmon, sturgeon, etc. might smell like, uhhh... seafood. I got a couple of slices of lemon, a couple shots of brandy and a hot frying pan and went into the room with the sizzling mixture to give her the idea that I was fixing the problem. It was impressive looking, and for a few seconds there was a sweet burning smell, but overall it didn't do a fucking thing except shut her up, which, of course was the desired effect, and as far as I was concerned, exactly what the bitch needed. If you say "unacceptable," you are a stupid bitch who is full of her own shit who needs to shut the fuck up. I have yet to see an exception to this rule.
People who think you can compensate for a bad cell phone signal by screaming into their phones, like the additional volume is going to make the signal stronger or something. They act like the phone is going to respond like a whipped horse. "Oh, he really means business. I'd better stop fucking around and pump out more radio waves." "So I guess we'll meet up around Broadway and... Hello?... Hello? ARE YOU THERE? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!! HELLO???!!! HELLOOOOOO!!!!!" (They look at the phone to count how many bars they have) "DAVE?!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!!!!! DAVE!!!!!! HELLOOOOO?!!!!!!"
People with really poor Engilsh skills who correct other people's English. This woman I know has a Dominican husband and constantly corrects his English in front of people in an obnoxious, belittling way. Reality check, fucker. The guy has gaps in his English skills because he learned English a few years ago as an adult, whereas you've spoken English as your first language for your whole life and still say things like, "What he did?" rather than "What did he do?" and "Where he went?" rather than "Where did he go?"
People you are in close contact with for hours and hours every day who still fuck up your name. Like my boss from a few years ago called me John for the first six months I worked with her, despite me correcting her every time.
"John, could you see if you could find -"
"Mike."
"What?"
"My name is Mike."
"What did I say?"
"John."
"Ahhh! Sorry! Why do I keep doing that? Gaaa!"
"Oh, gee, I don't know. Maybe because you're a fucking moron who is too self absorbed to even give a shit, and too stupid to remember even if you did care. I mean, what, are you retarded? You have a staff of only fifteen people and I'm you're fucking assistant. The staff works for you THROUGH me, and we work together five days a week, ten hours a day in sickeningly close contact. You talk to me so often that I hate your fucking guts. I also I despise the way your hands sweat like you dunked them in a sink when you shake my hand, and you leave the computer keyboard soaked in your filthy dribbling sweat because you're terrified of computers and they make your hands sweat even more, you dumb basketcase fuck. Have a fucking breath mint, you stank cunt."
Okay, so that's not exactly what I said.
Really, REALLY fat cops. How the fuck are these guys supposed to stop crime? Seriously, I see some cops out there and I know for a fact that I could easily outrun them or kick their asses, and I'm in bad shape. I know that in most places people who want to become cops have to take all kinds of tests and be physically fit, but it seems like once they're in, they're set, and they can just let themselves go. I guess the union stands behind them as they become fat tubs of lard. "You can't fire Dave. He's been a cop for eight years," which, of course in the union mindset means that he's untouchable even if he becomes too fat to walk. The union would probably file a grievance to get the precinct to buy him one of those Jazzy Chair scooters so he could just roll around fighting slow-walking crime wherever it rears its ugly head. Who the fuck are these guys stopping? If I was a criminal who was coming out of a house I just robbed, and saw one of these huge fatasses, I would have no problem outrunning them on foot. Sorry, Porky Pigs, you can't keep law and order with a computer programmer's physique. Ever wonder why unarmed people keep getting shot by the cops? Well, it was either that or running after them.
Soft rock. What gets into aging rock stars that makes them think, "You know... I'm bored with making music that's awesome. I think I need to make some music that would be appropriate to play at wedding receptions and as background music at grocery stores."
Retards that pronounce the "L" in Salmon.
Songs that are five minutes long that don't do anything new after the first 45 seconds and just repeat what they're doing after the intro until the end of the song.
Tech support at internet service providers that makes you jump through hoops before they will even check to see if something is wrong on their end.
"What is the brand of modem? Hmmmm... Could you hit the reset button? Nothing? Ok, check your network cable. Hmmmm.... Ok, have you run a virus scan? Could you do that now? (15 minutes later) Nothing? Hmmmm. Ok, hit the reset button on the modem again. Nothing? Are the lights on the modem blinking? Which ones? Hmmm... Ok go to the control panel and open Network Properties. Ok, look for the tab that says...(15 more minutes of bullshit) Hmmm... Ok, let me check something.... Ohhhh... It looks like there IS an outage in your area. I'll put in a call to fix it. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
That cliche "Pride in the company" montage in television commercials where they have shitloads of actors pretending to be employees completing each others' sentences, even overlapping words. I mean, HOW MANY commercials can you make with the EXACT same structure before you think people will catch on?
White guy with a hard hat: "It's about pride."
Black woman in a business suit: "Pride in-"
White woman in a lab coat: "-in what we do, and-"
Asian man in an apron with safety glasses: "-in how we do it. It's ab-"
Guy in a clown suit: "-bout trust and providing each clie-"
Old white guy in an expensive suit: "-client with the tools to-"
Robert Goulet: "-to achieve their goals."
Seriously though, when companies go to ad agencies is there just a fucking form with a checkable box for "Pride in the Company Montage?"
"Wow, that commercial your agency did for Merrill Lynch was really great. Make me one exactly like it."
The concept of horny guys being used as a premise for anything.
"Ooooh Jenny's going to be in the office tomorrow, so all you guys can drool over her, hee hee hee."
"Check out this webage! You guys are gonna like this one." (link to some quasi-porn "hot chicks" webpage.)
"Uh, oh! Whose copy of the Victoria's Secret catalogue is this? Hee hee."
"I bet you're one of those guys with some bimbo on his computer desktop, huh?"
"I couldn't believe it. He was just staring at my tits! Like, helloooo! I'm up here!"
Guess what. Guys are horny. No shit. You thought otherwise? Of course you didn't. "Boy! People sure do like to breathe air!" Same concept. Stop pretending to be surprised. Acting like you're amazed that guys are horny makes you look like an idiot.
The fact that the bagel company that my job orders from packs all the varieties of bagels in the same box, and when you pack onion bagels with other flavors, ALL of them become onion bagels.
The ridiculous mascara on Johnny Depp in the "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies. What the hell is that shit about? He has so much makeup caked on that Tammy Faye Baker would shout, "WHAT THE FUCK?" Yes, I know she's a holy roller, but still the phrase would be blurted out beyond her conscious control. You know, when I think of pirates I think of looting, killing, scimitars, rum, peg legs, eye patches, hook hands, raiding costal villages, raping and pillaging, hoarding treasure and Mabelline Ultra Lash Mascara... No, wait.
The way when retarded people in broadcasting get reprimanded for cursing or saying things they know the FCC will find inappropriate, they immediately compare themselves to Lenny Bruce. For instance, this retard on a New York City radio show, "Star and Buck Wild" recently got in trouble for offering a reward to anyone who could provide him with information about where a rival DJ's daughter went to school, insinuating that he was going to abduct her and abuse her sexually. When he caught shit, he said, "I am the new Lenny Bruce."
No, you are the new cancelled dipshit.
The meaningless platitudes that people write in greeting cards, particularly for comforting people after a death. "You are in our thoughts." "My condolences on your loss." "Our prayers are with you." Who talks like that? Thanks for making a painful and awkward moment just a little bit more painful and awkward.
The way they keep trying to bringing back pink menswear. What's the point of that? The only guys who wear it wear it as some statement of self-confidence, like, "I'm so secure in my manhood that I can dress like a total pussy." Seriously. It's a girl color. I don't give a shit if you're some 400 pound muscle-bound mutant with steel-wool for shoulder hair, pink still looks silly on a guy. Of course, a lot of girls will argue that pink looks good on guys. YOU'RE GIRLS! You thought Barbie's Pink Corvette looked fine too, because GIRLS LIKE PINK, BECAUSE PINK IS A GIRL'S COLOR. The color's name even rhymes with "TWINK." Ten hot girls could be fighting over which of them gets to suck your dick, and if you're wearing a pink shirt, all I can think is, "Faggot."
The word "comedienne." So you're a woman... and a comedian. I have the perfect word for you. COMEDIAN. If you look up the word "comedienne" in the dictionary, the definition is "A woman who is a comedian." Soooo... You're a fucking comedian. Now go make some more jokes about how it's so tough to lose weight or shut up.
Things that are Dumb by Design. At my job there is a frozen yogurt machine. The company that makes the machine also sells us the mix. The mix comes in gallon jugs. The machine can hold about 1.85 gallons... So... What the fuck? You can either put only one jug in and have to constantly refill it or you can put 1.85 jugs in and have shit left over to refrigerate. Eventually the refrigerator has like 10 jugs in it, all different flavors, with a little squirt of mix in each one, far too little to bother putting in the machine, since you would only be able to make a few portions before you had to go into the arduous process of cleaning the fucking thing and putting in a new flavor. Sure, you might say, "Well, just remember to add the extra mix once there's room," but of course, these people have never worked in foodservice. Machines with mix get "added to" when they are OUT, and often they are cleaned at the end of a shift and the extra mix is tossed anyway.
Today I went to Borders Bookstore. After I paid, the cashier said, and I quote, "Thank you ever so much." Yes. She actually said "ever so." I mean, I know cashiers are supposed to be polite, and maybe wish me a good day as I'm leaving, but, uhh... RELAX. Seriously, "Fuck you" would have sounded less disingenuous.
Women who haven't figured out how to walk in high heels without sounding like a horse walking on a cobblestone street.
Restaurants that give you cold pancake syrup. I'm not asking for a lot. Just don't give me cold syrup that transforms my nice hot pancakes into disgusting clammy pancakes. I mean, I'm not even asking for heated syrup, but some places give you syrup that obviously just came out of a refrigerator. Does syrup, particularly in sealed packets, even NEED to be refrigerated? Probably not. I know I sure as hell haven't ever put syrup in the fridge, and a bottle of syrup will last me for months, maybe a year, and somehow I'm still alive, so I guess it doesn't need to be fucking cold, does it?
Respected news agencies that apparently don't know shit about science, and nobody in editing catches a glaring mistake before it's in print. Yesterday I read an article that referred to bats as rodents. BATS ARE NOT RODENTS. I also remember reading an article that referred to frogs as reptiles. FROGS ARE NOT REPTILES. Another time I read an article that referred to spiders as insects. SPIDERS ARE NOT INSECTS. These assholes would probably retort, "Well, close enough." Bullshit. News is supposed to get it right, not totally botch articles by fucking up well-known facts that are taught in middle-school biology classes. (Of course, I know there are some idiots reading this right now and saying to themselves, "Wait a second. Bats ARE rodents." I'm not going to ask you to trust me on this. Look the shit up yourself, and no, asking your friends on Myspace doesn't count as "looking it up."
These Instant message idiots. (Actual transcript from a chat I had today - the name has been changed to protect not the innocent, but the too dumb to live.)
Dumbass: "Hello?"
Negposorg: "Howdee."
Dumbass: "Who are you?"
Negposorg: "Negativepositive."
Dumbass: "Do I know you?"
Negposorg: "I don't know. You messaged me."
Dumbass: "How did you get in my buddy list?"
Negposorg: "Uhh, probably because you added me. You're not in mine. We haven't spoken before."
Dumbass: "WTF? But who ARE you?"
Negposorg: "I'm negativepositive. I run negativepositive.org."
Dumbass: "WTF? I don't know you. How did you get in my buddy list?"
Negposorg: "Beats me. I don't know who you are either. If my name in your buddy list bothers you that much, despite the fact that you apparently added it yourself, just delete it and the nightmare will be over. Later."
Dumbass: "Yeah, I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna delete you."
Negposorg: "Knock yourself out."
Dumbass: "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE! You're BLOCKED!"
Negposorg: "That's cool."
Dumbass: "Hello?"
Negposorg: "Howdee."
Dumbass: "Who are you?"
Negposorg: "Negativepositive."
Dumbass: "Do I know you?"
Negposorg: "I don't know. You messaged me."
Dumbass: "How did you get in my buddy list?"
Negposorg: "Uhh, probably because you added me. You're not in mine. We haven't spoken before."
Dumbass: "WTF? But who ARE you?"
Negposorg: "I'm negativepositive. I run negativepositive.org."
Dumbass: "WTF? I don't know you. How did you get in my buddy list?"
Negposorg: "Beats me. I don't know who you are either. If my name in your buddy list bothers you that much, despite the fact that you apparently added it yourself, just delete it and the nightmare will be over. Later."
Dumbass: "Yeah, I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna delete you."
Negposorg: "Knock yourself out."
Dumbass: "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE! You're BLOCKED!"
Negposorg: "That's cool."
Terrorists fly planes into buildings and kill a couple thousand people.
Government response: HOLY FUCK! All Americans' lives must now be altered for the worse for the rest of their lives! Right to privacy? FUCK THAT SHIT! If you're not a terrorist, why should you care if we listen to all your phone calls or monitor your emails? Fourth Amendment? Nah, screw that! That shit just gets in the way, and if you disagree, then maybe you're a terrorist, and in any case you're horribly unpatriotic for going against the wishes of our king, ahem, president. Now we'd better bomb the living shit out of tens of thousands of people who had nothing to do with the attack. You know, to show 'em who's boss. CARTE BLANCHE, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Hurricane Katrina hits and water breaks through the dilapidated levees and kills over 1000 and destroys the lives of hundreds of thousands of people.
Government response: Huh? What? Aww man! You mean I have to come back from my vacation just for that? Goddamn! But I still have a few weeks left! What, you want to rebuild this shit? But they're just poor people. You want us to bend over backwards for them? I mean, it's not like they're going to vote for us in the next election anyway. Why bother? I mean seriously, do we really want to rebuild this shit? It was probably just God punishing all the sinners there. I mean really, who gives a shit?
Animal rights idiots who try to think of alternative pest control solutions that are hilariously impractical. This one friend of mine thought she could control ants by sucking them up with a turkey baster and then carrying them to the front yard and releasing them... you know, because an ant could never possibly figure out how to walk 20 feet back to its nest, and, you know, surely you can get rid of a million ants by sucking them up and releasing them one at a time. Gee... Why not, oh, I don't know... PUT SOME RAID BAIT TRAPS OUT and annihilate the whole nest from within? OH DEAR! BUT THAT WOULD BE CRUEL! You mean... (gasp) you want the poor little ants to DIE? But they're just doing what ants do naturally - forage for food! Yeah, and killing them in an efficient way is what humans naturally do to pests, so you can take your turkey baster and shove it up your ass.
Videogame designers who think that the best physics model to realistically replicate traction in driving games is a wet bar of soap in a bathtub. I mean, I'm no Mario Andretti, but I can drive a fucking car without it sliding 100 feet off the road on every goddamn turn. Realistic? Blow it out your asses.
Courtney Love. Seriously, why is this dumb bitch even famous? Was it because she helped destroy Kurt Cobain? Is it because she can always be relied upon to do idiotic things on live TV that any human with a brain would be mortified to be associated with? Is it those lumpy, bruised thighs? Is it her propensity for showing the world her absolutely unimpressive tits every chance she gets? Is it her god-awful music? Maybe her bit parts in movies that make Juliette Lewis look like a great thespian? Seriously. What is it?
"We can still be friends." Bullshit. Here is precisely what "Just be friends" is. "I want to dump you, but I don't want to feel guilty for hurting your feelings so I'll soften the blow with platitudes." Let me explain something that I think is pretty basic. I have friends that are girls. When they meet some guy, start fucking his brains out, fall in love and walk around all day beaming, I'm genuinely happy for them. When my girlfriend stops fucking me, stops talking all lovey-dovey and dirty to me, stops phoning, stops coming over just to lazily enjoy the day, and instead goes off to meet other guys, fuck their brains out, fall in love and walk around all day beaming, I fucking hate her guts, the guy's guts and my own guts. Hint: friends don't despise each other. Friends don't feel the urge to have a stiff drink after bumping into each other on the street. Friends don't avoid eye contact at parties.
Personal Ads. Yeah, I know that's a pretty broad topic, and one that I have touched on before, but the more I look at Craigslist, the more I laugh my ass off. There are four types of ads. Ads with no pictures, to hide the horror, ads with misleading pictures, like an eye, a mouth, etc, ads with bad pictures, and ads with FAKE pictures. Looking through the "Women Seeking Men" ads, I see the same hilarious cliches over and over.
1. I'm like one of the guys! Yeah, I'm sure that picture of a baseball stadium is really indicative of what's on my mind as I'm posting a personal ad: perhaps the most self-loathing thing a person can do. Oh, gee. I sure wanna hang out and watch the game and would never want to subject you to Bed Bath and Beyond and The Body Shop or maybe "Pretty Woman." Check out my overt attempt to relate to men! Help me out! I'm TRYING here!
2. Remember <insert 80's TV show or Movie>? Have some goofy referential humor! You know, because I'm looking to date someone who can quote lines from "Gremlins" and "Back to the Future!"
3. I am a gold digger. That's right. I'm not even trying to hide it. So what? I'm looking for a hot guy to buy me shit. I'm not even going to pretend to be interested in really meeting someone for what they're about. Buy me shit. Occasionally I might "cleverly mask" my intentions with code words like "successful, financially stable, professional, college educated, generous, knows how to treat a lady, loves to travel, likes fine dining," but we all know what I'm talking about, right? Right. Plus, look. I'm attractive. I have idiots yell at me on the street all day long. We both know I could fuck any one of them, and we both know I don't. Why? Because I would rather come on here and make my intentions known. Why else would an attractive woman like me need to use a personal ad?
4. I'm looking for an intelligent, respectful gentleman who will take me seriously. Check out this picture of my tits!
5. I've never done this before! TEE-HEE! Surrrrrrre.
6. Here I am again. I'm still looking. I mean, I know that you guys are tired of looking at my big, swollen, greasy face and bulging eyes, and a search back 2 or 3 days or 6 or 10 months would produce my ads over and over, but, hey! How's it goin? I'm looking for that special someone. Surely I'm not going to cling to you like a bad case of fleas if you give me the slightest bit of attention or anything.... See you later... when I post this same ad again in a few hours.
7. I am an intellectual. You can tell this, of course, because my ad is horribly verbose.
8. I am very well educated, professional, and as you can see from my picture, stunningly attractive. I'm from London but am currently in Los Angeles. I will be coming to <insert your home town here> in a few days and I'm looking for someone. Of course, there's NOTHING fishy about any of this.
9. I know that marriage should probably come well AFTER spending time getting to know you, but I REALLY want to get married ASAP.... Of course, there's NOTHING fishy about any of this.
10. Hi, guys! I'm 36! (The picture depicts someone old enough to be my mother, and I'm 33).
11. Hi, guys! I'm curvy! (The picture depicts either someone who is morbidly obese, or a closeup pic of a girl's eye so you can't tell that she is morbidly obese).
12. Craigslist puts a little yellow "pic" label next to ads with pictures in them. I realize that a lot of people just go through and click the ads with pictures in them, so here's a postage stamp sized picture of a landscape, or Garfield, or a picture from a movie, or some clip art of a heart, or some generic picture of two champagne glasses, etc. to get you to look at my ad
13. "18F seeking professional male." Yeah, okay, KID. Find me a professional male your own age and then we'll see if that's a reasonable expectation. Oh, of course, I assume that you're pulling in 50k+ as a 18 year old university grad yourself, right? Call me when you're old enough to drink, then we'll talk about my resume, gold digging brat.
14. HI! I M LUKING 4 A NICE GUY 2 HANG WIT WAT IS GUD LUKING AND WUD LIKE 2 HANG WIT ME ON NEWYEARZ 4 SUM 420. HOLLA BACK.
15. U need 2 b vary smart and have a good sence of humer.
16. Keeping in mind the notion of putting one's best foot forward, here is the BEST picture I could find of myself, which features a great shot of me in a skimpy little number looking coquettishly over my shoulder, showing off my huge, jiggly treetrunk calves, vericose veins, furry yellow teeth, back acne, shiny oil-soaked face, sloppy Courtney Love makeup, messy hair, and giant ass. I'm like one of those intricately detailed closeup stills on Ren and Stimpy made to emphasize how gross something is, except in the flesh.
17. Keeping in mind the notion of putting one's best foot forward, here's a picture of me back when I was in college and looked really hot, you know, back about eight years, before I gained 85 pounds, had three kids, lost my front teeth, and had massive skin grafts after that freak cotton candy machine accident.
18. I'm looking for a guy who is interesting. Of course, I don't give even the slightest hint as to what my interests are. You could be an astrophysicist magician rock musician hang-glider and standup comic, and I might find all of those things really interesting... or really stupid and boring. BE INTERESTING! What's "interesting" to me is for you to just GUESS at.
19. "Hi, my name is Jenny!" (Picture of attractive blonde girl) Next ad: "Hi, my name is Belinda!" (Picture of the exact same fucking girl) Next ad: Hi, my name is Cassie! (Picture of the exact same fucking girl) This goes on and on, and every one of these ads is written as though it came out of a guide to socially engineering nerds. "I am shy, looking for a sweet guy who is open to trying new things." A nerd reads this as, "You're a shy geek, but I want to blow you." Could it be any more obvious that this shit is fake?
20. "I'm looking for a respectful gentleman who understands how to treat a lady." The picture shows a horrible swamp monster who is obviously tired of being used as the last ditch beer goggle "wet hole for fucking." The kind of woman who gets laid not because she's loved or lusted after, but because guys figure "Meh, I probably can, and, I'm horny, and my friends aren't here to laugh at me, so I might as well."
21. Hi. I'm looking for a baby. I really, really, really, really want a baby. Do you want a baby? I hope you do, because I want a baby, and also a baby. The guy I'm looking for should be honest, fatherly, professional, fatherly, family oriented, and family-fatherly-minded. He should also have lots of sperm to make babies with. I am kind, motherly, honest, family oriented, nuturing, maternal, and have viable ova which I want to turn into babies with the help of your sperm. I have a vast vacant, empty, lonely space in my life that can only be filled by you, and by you, I mean the vacant space can only be filled by a baby, or many babies, and you're going to help me fill that vacant space with fucking assloads of babies like I'm a mother mouse or some shit. That whole "getting to know you" and "falling in love" shit is of secondary concern, if that. All I want is babies. Gimme. Oh, and I know you clicked on this ad because it had "pic" next to it, and you wanted to see what I look like, but it's just a picture of a baby. Awww, look at the little baby in the picture. When I see that picture with the cute little baby I just want to hold it and care for it, and then I cry and cry and cry and wail for hours until the neighbors call the paramedics because they think I'm dying.
22. The person I am looking for should make at least a 6 figure income, more than 6 figures preferably. You should also be extremely good looking, physically fit, and should not smoke, drink or use any drugs. You must be disease free, and I expect proof from a doctor before I will even email you back. You should also have a good eye for fashion and be unable to imagine yourself wearing anything non-high-end designer label. Only cheap whores wear gold. I only wear platinum, and I expect to get a lot of it, frequently, whether it's my birthday, Valentines Day, or just a random Tuesday. The salepeople at Tiffany should know you by name. I get diamonds about twice as often as you get sex, and I like to fuck often, so you'd better come through, comprende? I am a vegetarian and will not date someone who is not a vegetarian. You should also be a professional musician and artist, with actual awards, exhibits and accolades, be a great conversationalist, and preferably in Mensa. Your penis should be a bare minimum of 8.5 inches long and you must be able to have sex for at least 4 hours at a time in positions that only an olympic gymnast could manage. You should also be 6'2"+, blonde, with pale green eyes and be between ages 26 and 28. You should also have no allergies, no congenital problems such as asthma, etc. You also need to have flawless skin and perfect straight teeth with no fillings. No divorcees. I move a lot and you must be willing to quit your job and relocate internationally on a few days notice perhaps several times per year. You must already be fluent in English, French, Spanish, German, Russian, Turkish, Urdu, Japanese, Cantonese, Korean, Tagalog, Portuguese, Swedish, Swahili, Indonesian and Dutch, and be able to learn other new languages as we move from country to country. I generally end up meeting strange men in the countries I relocate to and have trysts with them. You must not have any hangups about this, however, you will not be involved in these trysts even to watch, and will not be permitted to have sex with people other than me. Of course, all of these requirements are pretty laughable and ironic considering the fact that ONLY SOMEONE WHO IS FAR TOO DESPERATE TO PICK AND CHOOSE WOULD RESORT TO THE ULTIMATE LAST DITCH OF DATING FAILURE KNOWN AS CRAIGSLIST.
Bands that form and are fairly unsuccessful until several years later they score some hit that catches people's attention and then develop a fanbase. They do a couple of albums which do pretty well, then they get greedy and rerelease their early shit that sucked balls as though it's some sort of awesome underrated relic that will give their fans a glimpse into the band's colorful past. Occasionally these are good, but 99% of the time these "rare unreleased" tracks simply blow and only give their fans a glimpse into why it took the band 5 years to break into the big time.
Media companies that sit on copyrights for media that they have no apparent intention on ever publishing. For instance, if you distribute Upright Citizens Brigade seasons 2 and 3, or David Lynch's "Eraserhead" or "Lost Highway," that is illegal. However, if you are holding your breath for them to release them on legitimate DVD's, you will die. I'm not really advocating piracy here, as if they released them I would be the first one in line to buy a copy, but it'll never happen.
People who are STILL bitching about how much the Playstation 3 costs as though it's novel. "DAMN! Can you believe that thing costs 600 bucks?" "Holy shit! Someone is selling a PS3 on Ebay for 7 grand!" No shit they are. Let's get down to brass tacks here. The reason it's going for 7 grand is because somewhere out there are these freakish ubergeeks who make an exorbitant amount of money at some tech job and they have the perfect combo: lots of spare income and nothing meaningful to spend it on. OF COURSE the price on Ebay is high. How could it not be when you have a zillion obsessed geeks who see videogaming as the central focus of their lives? That's what Ebay does - it puts a bunch of people who want to win no matter the cost in a ring and lets them act like idiots. Of course, they COULD sit back and wait until after Christmas and easily grab one for retail, but NO! They have to be the first one to play these brand new games that are getting "kinda okay I guess" reviews from gaming sites. More to the point though, you geeks need to shut up about this bullshit. "PS3 is expensive" has become the new "How about those Mets" among geeks. Why not talk about the weather? Why not talk about some random celebrity scandal that's on the front cover of all those shitty gossip magazines? "PS3 is expensive" is just as fucking inane and hackneyed. Shut up. "Can you believe how much the PS3 costs?" Fuck you. Don't give a shit. Move along.
Guys who cheer or yell while they are filming a skateboard video. Yeah, the trick was sick, but shut the fuck up. What happens is they cut and edit the video so it's a big long stream of 6 seconds clips of single tricks in rapid succession. The end result is that it sounds like this. "Shhhhhhh click WOOO! Shhhhhhh click... clopWOOOO! Shhhhh clickclackYEAH! Shhhhhh clackOHHHHHH!!!! Shhhhh click... clopWOOOO! Shhhhh cli-clopWOOO! Shhhhhh tick... ca-clopYEAH! Shhhhh ClickWOOO!.. clopYEAHHH!" Stick a cork in it, cheerleader. I'm watching a skate video to see something exciting, and no, I don't find you sucking the guy's dick exciting, so knock it off.
People who imply that they want you to throw an argument because of some hardship that is totally tangential to the subject of the argument.
VAHero: "I think summoner/black mage is a great job combo in Final Fantasy online."
Negativepositiv: "No it isn't."
VAHero: "I had a lot of fun playing as a SMN/BLM before I had to go to Iraq. I got up to about level 45 as a SMN/BLM. I was even outdamaging Black Mages."
Negativepositiv: "Okay, now I know you're exaggerating. The game mechanics basically directly prevent that from being possible. I mean, I do have a level 75 BLM and a level 75 SMN and all. I just kinda maybe might know what I'm talking about just a tiny bit more than you do."
VAHero: "Sheesh. I come on this forum after two years in Iraq fighting for the freedom of the US of A and this is the thanks I get? I'm confined to a chair now for defending YOU and I thought maybe you people would be a little bit supportive." ( This is almost a direct quote from this actual dude on a forum by the way. "Fighting for the freedom of the US of A. " was verbatim.)
Negativepositiv: "Uhhh.... what does Saddam Hussein have to do with Final Fantasy? Do you really want me to do both of us the disservice of letting you win your argument because we should be nice to you?"
VAHero: "Whatever."
VAHero: "I think summoner/black mage is a great job combo in Final Fantasy online."
Negativepositiv: "No it isn't."
VAHero: "I had a lot of fun playing as a SMN/BLM before I had to go to Iraq. I got up to about level 45 as a SMN/BLM. I was even outdamaging Black Mages."
Negativepositiv: "Okay, now I know you're exaggerating. The game mechanics basically directly prevent that from being possible. I mean, I do have a level 75 BLM and a level 75 SMN and all. I just kinda maybe might know what I'm talking about just a tiny bit more than you do."
VAHero: "Sheesh. I come on this forum after two years in Iraq fighting for the freedom of the US of A and this is the thanks I get? I'm confined to a chair now for defending YOU and I thought maybe you people would be a little bit supportive." ( This is almost a direct quote from this actual dude on a forum by the way. "Fighting for the freedom of the US of A. " was verbatim.)
Negativepositiv: "Uhhh.... what does Saddam Hussein have to do with Final Fantasy? Do you really want me to do both of us the disservice of letting you win your argument because we should be nice to you?"
VAHero: "Whatever."
"I would like a Whopper with cheese." <-- Note the period at the end.
Long pause....
"The meal or just the sandwich?"
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK? WHAT DID I ASK FOR? Did I ASK for the meal? Did I say "NUMBER TWO, PLEASE"? Did I mumble "uhhhwiththefriesandcoke" under my breath? No. No I did not. So you tell me, do I want the meal or just the sandwich? They ask me that question literally EVERY TIME I go to McDonalds or Burger King. Holy fuck! Enjoy working for minimum wage until you die, burgerslave.
More on this concept, why the fuck do cashiers at every store on the planet ask, "Will that be all?" as they're ringing you up? I can't remember once in my life that a cashier asked me that and I actually stopped and thought, "Hmmmm... IS that all? Hmmmmm.... Actually... I forgot Milk and I just remembered that I'm out of shaving cream and shampoo is running low. Also, I think I only have one roll of toilet paper left... and CRAP! I didn't get any bread. Hmmmm... bread, bread, bread... what else? OH! I need mayo too... OH! and mustard! I sure am glad she said something or I would have been fucked. Looks like I have some shopping to do." If I do remember that I forgot to get something, it usually happens as soon as I open the door to my apartment, despite the fact that the cashier always asks if I'm getting anything else. Look. I do appreciate that you're trying to be more customer-servicey or something by asking, and that's somewhat commendable considering that I know you really aren't paid enough that people should expect careful attention to their needs, much less enthusiasm, but seriously, when you ask, "Will that be all," nobody is listening to you. It's like the screen that pops up when you hit "print" in Word. Nobody really looks at it, they just click through. You honestly aren't helping anyone by asking that, so just ring us up, maybe say thank you, and keep the line moving..
More on not listening. Today I went to McDonalds for breakfast.
"I would like a hot-cakes with sausage and two milks." Is that clear enough? I think so. There's really no clearer way I can think of to say it.
"That will be $7.22."
"What? That's not right." The girl looks over her shoulder at the menu board and then fidgets with the computer as though she is a 90 year old woman trying to figure out how to use Linux. She comes up with the same total again and I repeat my order to her. She looks at me the way a dog does when it hears a sound it doesn't understand. The manager is behind her and I motion to get her attention. The manager comes over and the cashier starts mumbling to her. Assuming that she's fucking up my order to the manager, so the manager will in turn continue along the same order-fucking-up path, I interject. "All I want is hotcakes with sausage and two milks." The manager then rings up the correct amount, I pay, and they walk away. The cashier then goes to the back counter to pick up my food. Assuming that it's going to come out right this time, I start fidgeting with my iPod. A couple of minutes later the girl returns to the counter with a tray. On the tray are hotcakes (no sausage), an egg McMuffin, a hashbrown, a cup of coffee, an orange juice, and what I'm assuming she thought I meant by two milks: two coffee creamers.
Dane Cook and anyone who thinks he is the most amazing comedian ever. The only people who think this are, in general, not interested in comedy and do not have a wide exposure to different comedians, and pretty much are only familiar with Dane Cook because he's marketed as some sort of pretty-boy rock star. It's like thinking Olive Garden is the best Italian food around because you don't know any better because you've never eaten any italian food except Olive Garden and Spaghettios. I think this YMNTD accurately sums up most of what needs to be said about Dane Cook and his retarded fans http://danecookgenius.ytmnd.com/ . It is somewhat lenient on him, as it doesn't really go into the fact that he often blatantly plagiarizes other comedians (in this case Louis CK), or that his idiotic fans don't even care that he plagiarizes. I guess that's what happens when 80% of your fanbase is 15 year old girls who like you because you're "cute," and listen to Britney Spears and Beyonce and all that other stupid shit where the "artist" had nothing to do with the writing or production of their own music.
People who oversimplify their explanations of things that everyone perceives differently. For instance, I have heard and read in several places that dreaming is just the brain recalling and cataloguing the events of the previous day. Gee, that's odd. I was pretty busy yesterday, but I would think that if I visited a high school girlfriend, who of course still lives in the same house that she did 16 years ago, and had sex with her as she started morphing into this quasi-human being covered in drippy orifices with weird spaghetti-like arms, and then suddenly her house turned into the house where I grew up and then a headless zombie appeared and ran down the hall at me and I escaped by levitating and flying out the window and over the house as the neighborhood below turned into a dense forest whose floor was teeming with zombies like army ants, I would have remembered it.
Asshole Ebay sellers who don't leave you feedback until you leave them feedback. Let me explain something that I think should be pretty basic. I have paid in a prompt manner by an approved method and have given you my address and any other applicable information you need... MY OBLIGATION IS DONE. GIVE ME POSITIVE FEEDBACK. I AM A GOOD CUSTOMER. It is now YOUR responsibility to get me my crap in a reasonable amount of time in good working order. If you succeed in this, you will get good feedback. That's how it works. Instead, there are all these assholes who won't leave me feedback until they see if I said THEY were wonderful people. If I pay you promptly, and a month goes by and I haven't received my stuff, and then I complain by email that it hasn't arrived, and they are rude about it or ignore the emails, and a while later it arrives poorly packed in a million little broken pieces, and I leave feedback saying so, that is not their turn to say I was an awful customer. FUCK YOU. If you can't be bothered to actually do a good job as a seller, then don't fucking get into it, and don't expect people to say you're awesome if you suck.
More Ebay assholes. Look. If you're bothering to list something on Ebay, then fucking ship it quickly. Quickly means today or the next business day, not two weeks from now, a month from now, whatever. If I win an auction and pay immediately via Paypal, and I don't receive the item for 3-4 weeks, that's bullshit. Sometimes I win an auction and receive the goods in 2-3 days, even large items, so why the fuck does it take some fuckers nearly a month to get something to me? I am currently waiting on an item that is about the size of a cell phone. It is now the 22nd and I won the item on the 2nd. WHY DO I NOT HAVE IT? It's not like I didn't pay for shipping. Did they send it by pony express? Is there some asshole pulling a rickshaw? I should have had it by the 6th or 7th even if the guy had shipped it via snail-mail. I have a good idea of what actually happened. The guy who sold me the item views Ebay in much the same way I view my webpage. I enjoy it, but I do it when I feel like it. After he's done scratching his balls and catching up on all the recorded episodes of some dogshit like "Lost" on his Tivo, he brushes the cheeto crumbs off his shirt, looks at Ebay for a second, counts his money, looks at the pile of shit that he's selling... and then takes a nap. I remember one time like 6 weeks went by and I sent the guy a ton of emails. He had the nerve to tell me to "hold my horses" because he had gone on vacation. Oh, that's interesting... see because when you're going on vacation, you know in advance. If I'm setting up an auction to be over in a week, and I know on the 3rd or 4th day of the auction I'm going on vacation for a month... then MAYBE I should wait to start the auction when I get back. WHAT A FUCKING CONCEPT! IMAGINE THAT! People who pay you money for something... WANT TO GET THE THING THEY PAID YOU FOR! Who would have guessed?
XXL shirts that become M shirts after the first wash.
Amazon retardation a-go-go. Last week the new expansion came out for Final Fantasy Online. I pre-ordered it on Amazon. The release date was April 17. I selected two day shipping. April 19th the thing did not arrive. April 20 went by... April 21... April 22... At this point I was pissed off that I had selected and paid for two day shipping when I could have just gone to a store and bought it. So I go to my account to check the shipping status. The thing said "This order has not shipped yet. Delivery Estimate: April 19." Uhhhh... So it hasn't shipped as of April 22, but should arrive April 19th... I guess they're going to bring it to me in their TIME MACHINE. I cancelled the order and just went out to the store to buy it. (In keeping with how I hardly ever find what I'm looking for when shopping, I found it at the fourth video game store I went to, and they had it hidden in a drawer behind the counter.)
Celebrities who are OBVIOUSLY gay who then create a media stir by coming out of the closet. This week, Lance Bass of 'N Sync came out of the closet publicly.... Uhhh... NO SHIT? Gee. I had him pegged as a huge womanizer. Seriously, does it surprise anyone ANYWHERE that Lance Bass, Ellen DeGeneres or Rosie O'Donnell aren't heterosexual? Really? Anyone? Front cover of several of those stupid celebrity worship magazines this week: "Lance Bass is gay." WELL NO SHIT HE'S GAY. He could even get married to some hot chick and everyone would still think he's gay. Did anyone over age 12 NOT think he was gay before he said so? No. SO WHY IS THIS NEWS? "Today the Pope revealed, to the surprise of everyone, that he is, in fact, Catholic." Actually that might be a bad analogy, as Lance Bass is far more gay than the Pope is Catholic. .
Even more retarded shopping bullshit.
Tonight, my kitchen forgot to order dinner rolls for a banquet we were doing for 40 people. I had one hour to find rolls. I thought, "No problem. Lower Manhattan has like a million bakeries and snooty upscale grocery stores." So off I went in search of bread. I went to FIVE bakeries. Three of them seemed to not even know what the fuck a dinner roll WAS.
"Do you have dinner rolls?"
"Uhhhhhh..." the girl looks at me as though I have three heads.
"You know, like small rolls."
*stare stare*
"Like bread... rolls.... about this size... Dinner rolls." I use my hands to demonstrate the size and shape.
"Uhhhh... hang on..." She gets someone from the other counter to come over.
"How can I help you?"
"Do you have dinner rolls?" She looks completely baffled.
How in the FUCK could these retards work IN A BAKERY and have NO CLUE WHAT THE HELL I WANT? Seriously, you work in a fucking bakery, and nobody has ever used the phrase "dinner roll" in your presence EVER?
It's like going to a mechanic to get new tires. "I need to get new tires.... You know... tires... Goodyear... Uhhh.. Michellin.... Dunlop? Firestone doesn't ring a bell? The black rubber things that go on the wheels that are filled with air..... They have like, treads on them to grip the road... No, not a pineapple."
The other two bakeries had dinner rolls and knew immediately what I was talking about... and together, these two bakeries had a grand total of SEVEN dinner rolls.
When I asked if they knew of anywhere that they might have rolls, four of the five bakeries apparently had no idea that any other bakeries even existed and the employees looked totally bewildered that I would even ask. The fifth place directed me to a grocery store that they said had dinner rolls. It did not. In the end, I bought a bunch of long Italian bread and made it back to work in time to quickly slice it into portions as the people were walking in the goddamn door.
The fact that America thinks it can expect a great future when we pay teachers what a halfway decent waiter makes.
So... the neighbor above me apparently got some kind of keyboard recently. However, apparently things like rhythm and melody were not included in the deal. If you could imagine someone in a persistent vegetative state whose arms flail randomly having someone put their hands on a keyboard and then just letting them go for hours at a time, you would have a pretty accurate idea of the sound. Doooooooo .... doodly-oooo.... plink plinkity doooooooooooo DOODLY...... plink plink plink doooooooooooooo PLINK doodly plinkity doooooooooooooooooo doot doot DOOT doot plink plinkety doooooooo.....
IDM artists (Intelligent Dance Music, for those who don't know. Check out some Plaid, Boards of Canada, etc.) who think the general idea behind IDM is making music that is as disorganized, sloppy and incoherent as possible. five tempo changes in 10 seconds? SURE, why not? An entire song of nothing but bass drum samples being sped up to a grating buzz and slowed down to a trudging crawl with no attention paid to rhythm whatsoever? AWESOME! Throwing pots and pans down the stairs for an extended 18 minute track? GENIUS! Let me explain something. Look at the name. Intelligent Dance Music. What do ANY of those words have to do with your annoying gibberish? It's not intelligent because any deaf asshole could make it sound just as bad as you do without even thinking about what he's doing. Music with no rhythm can't really be danced to, and if it has no rhythm, melody or even patterns, then it's not even fucking music.
Magazines and Newspapers that seem to exist in some kind of time bubble and are filled with articles that are too little - too late. Like you'll pick up a September 2006 newspaper and find an article that says, "MP3's have Music Companies Hopping Mad. MP3 is a way that people on the internet often share music files with each other. This is illegal and the music publishing companies are up in arms. Apparently they even have whole networks solely devoted to the distribution of illegal copies of music in this MP3 format. Once downloaded (the process of bringing files from the internet into one's own computer) these MP3 files can be listened to on the user's computer or transferred to a walkman-like device, the most popular being Apple Computer's 'iPod.'"
People who actually need ultra-basic explanations of things like the one above.
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See that dot above? That is an actual size picture of the MIND OF MENCIA. Side note: Would it be too much to ask to see a promo picture of him NOT making a facial expression that looks like he's sucking a huge invisible cock?
I think the podcast Keith and the Girl summed it up best: "Carlos Mencia is a crime against comedy."
Pathological liars part two:
There's this guy I work with. He's a waiter, and I know what he's paid and it's fair to say he is not raking in the dough. He is also pretty average looking at best and still has some pretty bad acne despite being in his early 30's and is still trying to grow his hair semi-long despite the gradual beginnings of front and back male pattern baldness, which looks goofy. One day we're getting out early and he's happy because that gives him time to go shopping.
"Time to hit the old Armani Exchange."
"That's kinda steep, don't you think?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it just seems that shopping at a place like that would require a lot of disposable income."
"Nah, all my shit is Armani, Prada, Gucci... These shoes cost like 600 bucks."
"Well, if that's what you want to spend your money on."
"Oh. I don't PAY for that stuff. Women buy it FOR me. You think I buy it myself?"
"Uhh.. Okay..."
"In fact my whole apartment is furnished with stuff women have bought me."
"Yeah... so... uhh.."
"Yeah, I'm just like, 'Buy me this,' and they're like 'Okay.'"
At that point I just smiled, nodded and walked away, because the other option was screaming in his face, "YOU'RE FUCKING FULL OF SHIT," and that probably would have made things tense in the workplace.
Oh, and today he did it again. He was looking at some napkins that we got at Pottery Barn for a dinner party. Pottery Barn is this place that sells stupid shit for retarded prices. If you're looking for a place where you can spend 150 bucks on a six inch tall, plain, cream colored candle, that's the place to go. Each napkin was 9 bucks. Apparently Jesus Christ is in the napkin making business now or something.
"These are nice. I should get some."
"Dude, don't shop at Pottery Barn. That place is for millionaires who need a place to waste their money."
"It's not MY money. Women take care of me."
"Yeah, yeah.... So anyway..."
"Seriously, I just point, and they buy it."
"YEAH, YEAH, SO ANYWAY..."
The ONLY way I can even wrap my head around the idea that this could possibly be true is if he's lowered himself to turning tricks for one of those fat old swamp monsters on Craigslist.
So... I seem to be getting less junk emails asking if I want a bigger penis. They must have heard. However, the latest trend is that I get about 4-6 emails a day asking me if I want to increase the amount of semen I ejaculate. Uhhh... WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT THAT? I mean, if I shot AIR then maybe I would want to bust bigger loads, but what the hell. Seriously though. Let's say, hypothetically, that someone made a drug that doubled the amount of spooge you unloaded when you came. Now, I know that spooging a fair amount, or even quite a bit can be somewhat impressive, depending on your audience. However, if you're the kind of retard that sends money to everyone who sends you spam, you're probably the kind of retard who hasn't fucked a woman since Clinton's first term, and I know that Bounty is the quicker picker upper and all, but why are you trying to increase how much of it you're going to use? I doubt that any of this extra man chowder is actually going to end up sprayed over some chick's face and tits, so why fucking bother?
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I've had it with this motherfucking hype for this motherfucking B movie!
Retards who think that "Idea" and "Ideal" are the same word.
People who speak AS they are thinking of what they are going to say, as though they think of a sentence one word at a time and they are never more than half a word ahead of what they are saying. S, s, so, so they end, uhh, end, end, uhhh, end up spea, spea, speak, speaking, uhhh, luh, luh, uhhh, luh, uhhh, likelikelike this, like this. Note that this isn't the same thing as stuttering. What really pisses me off is when these people end up in public office or some other position where, where, where, where they are, are, uhhh, expec- uhhh expected to, uhh... spea- uhhh speak pub, pub, publicly.
Single assholes who say things like, "Man! It's been a long time since i had sex. It's been like... hmmm.... almost THREE WEEKS! Wow, I didn't realize how long it's been." Seriously just get aids please.
Overt, over-the-top, ridiculous ass-kissers. "Hey, I just wanted to say, when you wrote me up for not doing my job right, that was really good. I mean, you know what this business needs better than I do and I'm excited to be a part of what we're doing here and anything you can suggest so I can do a better job is awesome, because I really want your honest opinion so I can develop. I always want to push myself to do the best job possible, so it's good for me when you recognize something I could do better. Anytime you see something I could improve on, I want you to tell me. Really. Thanks. I mean that, because you do an amazing job here and I just hope that I can live up to your expectations. Thanks, seriously." Okay, my first suggestion on behavior to alter: SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I PUKE.
People who write on online help forums or help columns with some problem that they have to KNOW is fucked up, asking if it's normal or requesting down-to-earth solutions.
"My dad and I have been having sex for a long time. The first time was when I was nine and I'm now 22 and we're still having sex about 5-6 times a day. Recently, my dad contracted genital herpes from his male lover, Scott, who lives with us by the way, and passed it to me. This is really troublesome because I don't want to pass it to the baby I'm carrying, and to prevent this I thought about having the baby delivered by c-section, but my dad says if I scar up my pretty belly he will kill me. He also said he would kill me if I even thought about aborting, because abortion is a sin. I've had two other babies with my dad, but I think this baby is Scott's anyway because he came inside me on several occasions when the three of us were having sex. What should I do?"
Hmmm... My advice? Well, the first thing that comes to mind is kill yourself.
Videogames that you seriously can't accomplish anything in unless you read a guide because the puzzles are so absurdly convoluted that there's no way you would ever randomly figure them out by yourself.
"To advance to rank 5, you must defeat Zanbar the Howlhearted. To find him, first you must go to The Jungle of Solitude on Velba Island at position G-4 about 1 hour game time before sunrise and examine the flutewood tree in that area. A dew drop appears about once every 4-5 game days called the Siren's Dewdrop. Get this and then you must go to Salma's Mire to position H-12. You will see a blue flower there. Place a Siren's Dewdrop on the flower and a Marrow Worm will appear. The Marrow Worm is a lottery pop, and only the red marrow worm will drop the "Ghostly Flint Stone" item you need. Usually the worm will pop blue and will ingest all Siren's Dewdrops in your inventory, which means you will have to go back and get more in order to try again to pop the red Marrow Worm. Once you pop the red marrow worm, keep your fingers crossed because the Ghostly Flint Stone only drops about once out of every 30-40 kills. Once you get your Ghostly Flint Stone, you're going to need to find fuel for your fire. You will need to fight an Arch-Lich type monster called the Forlorn Woodsman, which appears somewhere between B-2 and F-23 in Misery Wood. He only appears at night and will disappear and not reappear until the next game day if he detects you before you engage him. To prevent him from detecting you, you need to go to Hunter's Valley and find a small pool that only forms when it is raining at F-17. When it rains, collect some "Masking Mud" which you will use as camoflage. Once you have the masking mud, go to Misery Wood at night and apply the mud. If you see the Forlorn Woodsman, be very careful to only approach from the rear, as you are still semi-visible with the mud on. Defeat the Forlorn Woodsman and hopefully he will drop the Unearthly Hatchet. It's about a 15% drop rate. If it doesn't drop you will need to get more mud for camouflage and come back in five game days and try again. Once you have your Unearthly Hatchet, go to Arieth's Grove in the Forest of Souls at position M-11. When the moon is full (moon cycle is 28 days game time) at midnight an "Ethereal Spruce" will appear. Use the Unearthly Hatchet to cut some wood from the tree. You will need 6 Ethereal Spruce Logs to keep your fire burning for the needed amount of time, and usually you can get 2-3 logs before the Unearthly Hatchet breaks, so you will probably need to kill the Forlorn Woodsman many times to get enough hatchets to get enough logs. Once you have your 6 Ethereal Spruce Logs, head to the Gribnox Desert. Around position M-14 you will see a small rock with a dark indentation in the top. On March 22 of every game year there is an eclipse. As soon as the eclipse starts, start your fire in the dark indentation. You will need to keep the fire burning for three days, so be careful to add another Ethereal Spruce Log every 12 game hours after starting the fire or it will go out. If you let the fire go out, you will need to start all over and collect all the items again and wait another full game year for the next eclipse. At the end of three days, if you have kept the fire going, Zanbar's agent will arrive and there will be a cutscene. The trick now is to bribe him so he will set up a meeting between you and Zanbar the Howlhearted. Trade him gold to bribe him. This part is tricky. The amount at first glance appears to be random. If you trade him too much, he will figure you have loads of money and he will attack you. If he kills you, he will get all your money. If you kill him, obviously he can't arrange the meeting. If you trade him too little, he will set up the meeting, but he will tip off Zanbar and Zanbar will arrive at the meeting with his agent and 12 of his elite guards, and you won't stand a chance. If you trade him the correct amount of gold, he will arrange the meeting and Zanbar will arrive alone. To determine the correct amount of money, you must follow the following formula. The day should be March 25, so first multiply 3 by 25. 75. Use the status menu to bring up the current percentage of the moon phase. For instance if it is a 65% gibbous moon, you add 65% to your total. Multiply 75 by 1.65, which would give you 123.75. ALWAYS round up, so that gives you 124. Each day of the week has a numerical value: Monday 10, Tuesday 20, Wednesday 30, Thursday 40, Friday is also 10 - don't ask why, Saturday is 50 and Sunday is 60. Multiply your total by the day's value. So if the current day is Saturday, the total so far is 6200. Then you add the current real calendar year to the total, so in 2006 the total now would be 8206. Now subtract the current game year. So if the current game year is 1265, the new total is 6941. For even numbered game years add 20. Hopefully you will do this right or you're pretty much screwed. Of course, we would have never found this formula out, but one of my friends is friends with a GM in the game and he leaked the info. Once you trade the agent the correct amount of money, head to Raptormaw Chasm at position E-12 at night. Arrive early and go to the southeast corner. There you will find a little nook in the chasm wall that will be in shadow once night starts. Zanbar usually arrives between 10pm and 1am game time. When he arrives, you will only have a few seconds to hit him with the Dart of Drythroat and silence him. If you do not do this right away, he will cast buff spells on himself that will cause the silence effect of the dart to be resisted, and also he will start looking around for you and will spot you and start casting really bad lightning magic on you, and you will not win. Also, you will want to have your throwing skill capped for this, as it is very hard to hit him with the dart, and if it misses he will kill you and you will have to go all the way back to the beginning. (To obtain the Dart of Drythroat, go to position J-12 in the Steelmolt Volcano and defeat a Scorpion type monster called The Keeper of Steelmolt. Drop rate is about 12%, and the Keeper has a repop time of 21-24 hours realtime.) Once you hit him with the dart and silence him, immediately attack him hard. The fight is a lot easier once you have silenced him but it is still very hard. Start your attack on his left side so you can break his shield. His shield has a reflect damage enchantment on it, so you will need to have lots of health potions on hand or you will end up just killing yourself. Once you break the shield, attack his legs. They are heavily armored, so you will need an axe or great sword or you won't do damage to the armor. Once you have broken through his leg armor and injured his legs, he won't be able to run as fast. Be careful, because at this point the silence spell will be wearing off. Once he's slowed, you will need to finish him by kiting him and using ranged attacks. If you get in his magic casting range, forget it, you're dead, so you need to stay ahead of him which is hard, because even when he's slowed he can run almost as fast as you can. If you lose this fight, you will have to do everything again. It took me six tries to beat him. Once you beat him, take his signet ring to the Duke of Hammerfell and receive your reward. Congratulations! You're rank 5!"
Yeah, I'm sure an actual human would just figure that out by themselves. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but uhh, isn't using the guide to figure out quests CHEATING? Aren't quests in the game to make it challenging? Let me clarify something. "Challenging" doesn't mean "There is no way in hell anyone will ever figure this out without reading a guide."
The day after I wrote this, I was playing Final Fantasy XII, and I was stuck so I checked a forum for tips. A header caught my eye. "Want the most powerful weapon in the game?" Of course, I had to click. The weapon is the Zodiac Spear. It is acquired late in the game. The CATCH is that it will only appear if you do not open any of four specific coffers. These coffers are, of course, in really out-in-the-open places that you pass by very early in the game. Basically, unless you have a guide in front of you telling you which ones not to open, you will open them without even thinking. I know for a fact I opened at least two of them, and of course, even opening one of them will prevent you from ever getting the spear. So now I look at my level 39 party with pretty sweet gear, well planned gambits, ever-filling ability and spell lists, and 30-some hours of play time and think... "Fuck you, SE." So now I can either just keep pushing forward in the game, knowing that I will never get its best weapon, OR I can go back and level up and treasure hunt and stab myself in the face with a soldering iron, the last of which being perhaps the least painful part.
People whose main interest as an online presence is making money when their site is entertainment based. I understand that you want to make money, but if you make a webcomic, flash animation, podcast, video site, etc.... WHY NOT DO IT FOR FUN? Why not do it because you have something to say? Is your main goal in making a website to have people buy your Cafe Press T-shirts? I know it's not mine. I think I've sold 3 T-shirts in the whole time that I've had designs on there, and they are priced so I don't even make a profit. I'll be listening to some podcast and every 5 minutes someone mentions their "store" page or their "donate" button. SHUT UP. If you're unspeakably awesome, I might go looking around your page to see if you have any t-shirts or stickers or shit, but I'm sure as fuck not going to go looking for it because, "hey, they said I should buy something from their store." Just be funny, not greedy.
People at work who have truly "drunk the Kool-Aid." You know these guys. They're EXCITED to be there. They have pep and enthusiasm and DRIVE. Now, I'm not saying it's dumb to enjoy what you do for a living, but let's say you work at a popsicle stick factory. That's ALL they make. They turn lumber into popsicle sticks. You will have that one dick who's not even a manager who wants YOUR popsicle stick company to be the very BEST popsicle stick company anywhere. He follows popsicle stick market trends. He's deeply interested when the industry tries using different materials or methods to make the popsicle sticks. He follows new technology that will be able to make popsicle sticks better and faster. He is happy to come in over the weekend, not to get the overtime, or even to kiss the boss' ass, but because being the best takes hard work and dedication, and for his popsicle stick company to be the industry leader requires sacrifice. When the company gets a new contract from some popsicle factory to provide them with sticks, he is happy, not happy because he might get a raise, more job security, hours or other direct benefits, but happy because, "this company," he says as his eyes well up with tears, "is the best damn popsicle stick company ever, and we're gonna show them all." You'll be eating lunch and this guy sits near you and starts talking. You think he's going to talk about sports or TV or some movie he saw, BUT NO. "I am really happy that we switched to Colorado Blue Spruce wood. Before we were using Scots Pine and I really didn't feel that it produced the kind of quality that we should be shooting for in terms of durability, flexibility and color and I felt that the pine was too prone to splintering and breakage. I know the Spruce costs a little more, but I think the end result warrants the expense, and also..." WHAT THE FUCK? Just STOP it. YOU MAKE POPSICLE STICKS. SHUT UP.
People who think that hitting high notes on a guitar is something you can only do if you have great skill, and guitarists who play up this myth by acting as though hitting these notes requires deep concentration to impress these laymen. Be sure to make lots of straining faces, guitar retards, despite the fact that hitting those high notes requires exactly the same skill, practice, strength and feeling as hitting any other note on the guitar.
The fact that people STILL make reference to that "priceless" series of Mastercard ads. Here. I'll kill the knockoffs by making, hopefully, the very last one.
Computer... 2000 dollars...
Web hosting... 70 dollars.
Dreamweaver... 259 dollars...
Sticking to the tried and true and never needing to come up with a single original thought and still getting laughs... Priceless.
People who play an online game or post on forums or whatever who want to use some totally unoriginal name, but someone else already registered it, so they fuck up the spelling in various ways until they find something unregistered, and then stick with it, like some MISSPELLED NAME that everyone will recognize as a misspelled name is awesome. For instance, if I was signing up for Final Fantasy Online, and wanted to use the name Sephiroth, and it returned the message that this name was not available, I would be like, "Well, fuck," then register something totally different, and maybe even (get this) ORIGINAL. Yet there they are. On my server alone, there is a Sephiroth, Sephiroith, Seph, Sephiroithe, Sephy, Sephzero, Lordsephiroth, Cephiroth, Sephirothhh, Sephnemesis, Zephiroth, Sephirothx, etc. etc. etc. It's hitting a point that when I finally see Schzephfiuroithe it's not going to surprise me at all. FUCK YOU. YOU DIDN'T GET IT. GET OVER IT.
Ebay idiots that engage in ridiculous bidding wars one day into a 7 day auction. Gee, thanks for making something that usually sells for 100 bucks sell for 350 bucks, shitheads. I mean, I get those email notices that I've been outbid too, but you don't HAVE to click that link and bid higher IMMEDIATELY.
Forum retards who think that simply saying "Fail" is the ultimate undefeatable rebuttal. They don't even offer any explanation or intelligent debate. They just say "Fail" as though they are rubber-stamping it with their ultimate authority.
ApocalypticCrouton: "I think the reason a lot of liberals are taking their votes elsewhere is that the Democratic Party has become a party of the middle-ground, and that they have not only lost their vision and spine, but are now just as bad as the Republicans because most of them are bought and sold by corporations and are just as pro-war, pro-war-on-drugs, pro-business, pro-globalization, pro-censorship, etc. as Republicans are."
VenomousPeanut: "This thread fails."
Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. Great game, right? Sure it was. I did enjoy playing it when mission-critical NPC's weren't falling off bridges or getting eaten by monsters in the woods, but there was a problem. The problem I had with it was that it ran out of content too fast. Add to that the fact that you could literally beat the game at level 1. When you rest, you level up. If you never rest, you never level up. The problem with that is that the challenge level rises as you level up. So if you stay level 1, even the boss fights are easy as shit. Seriously though, it's a fucking RPG. In an RPG you shouldn't be out of things to accomplish in under a week. I played it for about a month and had probably completed everything there was to accomplish, including capping all my combat/magic skills. I mean, as I look at my 3 year old FFXI character that still has lots of room to grow, maybe it's a good thing that Oblivion was too quick and easy to trounce, but it was a neat game and I wish there was more to do. I played Morrowind too, and after months I was still finding new places and capping skills. I had hoped Oblivion would dwarf Morrowind in scale, and on the graphics/physics end it did, but if I turned it on today I'd probably just run around annihilating npc's and guards and seeing how high I could raise my bounty.
Electronic forms that do not recognize information that IS CORRECT. For instance, let's say you live on a street where the address numbers are listed as "22-45 Blahblahblah Street." You go online to order something, and you fill in your CORRECT address. When you hit the "submit" button, you are directed to a page that looks like the page you just filled out, except there is a big red exclamation point next to your address that says "THIS IS NOT A VALID ADDRESS." Uhhh.. THE FUCK IT ISN'T, FUCKTARDS. See, if the person put in "2245 Blahblahblah Street," your fucking page would recognize it as a valid address, BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE "2245" is WRONG. Maybe... just maybe the mail-man can figure out that 2245 is your address. But uhh, instead of the mail man having to FIGURE IT OUT, maybe it would be a lot simpler if you just RECORDED THE ADDRESS THE WAY THE PERSON FILLED IT IN. Chances are, if they're smart enough to fill out an online form, THEY'RE FUCKING SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW WHERE THEY LIVE.
People who call in to radio call-in shows and kiss ass and ramble for 3/4+ of the call or get so tongue tied that it takes them 100 fucking years for them to spit out what they called for.
"Hello, caller."
"Hey there......"
"What's up today?"
"Not much. Uhhhh..... What's up with you?"
"What can we help you with today?"
"Uhhhhhhh.... First off, I just wanted to say that I love the show. I've been a loyal listener for uhhhhhhh... about a year and think you all are doing an awesome job."
"Thanks..."
"Yeah, I really like the show...I'm from Minnesota."
"Did you have a question?"
"Yeah, I had a question for your guest."
"Shoot."
"Yeah, uhhhhh... I really liked your first book. It really kinda.... uhhh..... opened... uhhh... opened my eyes... kinda... y'know... like... it got me thinkin'... y'know?"
"Thanks..."
"Yeah, it was really good."
"... You want to ask me anything about it?"
"Yeah uhh... Are you writing a follow up?"
"What do you mean?"
"Like... is there gonna be a part two?"
"Well... I don't think I'm spoiling the ending, really, but this was a book about the Hindenburg, and it was totally destroyed and all its passengers killed... so... No, I don't think there's much more that can be said on the subject."
"Uhhhh.... So no sequel?"
"I don't really plan on making one, no. Pretty much all of the plot is resolved, or at least finished."
"Well, uhhh... Okay. Well.. Uhh... Great book."
"Thanks."
People who play MMORPG games and post to forums related to them who make signature files with pictures of their character with the very most ridiculously rare, expensive and amazing gear in the game... when they don't actually have it. Like, they'll use a model viewer program and put in all the models for the best gear in the game and then make a sig file picture with it. Their character is a level 12 summoner and their picture shows them wearing all level 75 equipment. Not only is it 75 gear, but it's gear that someone who has had a level 75 character for 3 years would still be unlikely to have. How about this. JUST MAKE AN IN-GAME SCREENSHOT OF YOUR ACTUAL CHARACTER, RETARDS. Oh.. but oh dear, oh dear. If you did that, you wouldn't have a picture of your character with the extremely rare and coveted Raptorfang's Demonic War-Cleaver of Soul Destruction. Yeah, EXACTLY.
Men who grow a Hitler mustache thinking that anyone could think it is anything but a fucking Hitler mustache. Sorry, idiots. That mustache was perhaps the most recognizable feature of the most hated person in the 20th century other than Bob Saget, and the only person who will come to mind whenever anyone sees your ridiculous little square of hair under your nose is fucking Hitler. I saw this middle-aged guy on the train today with one of these things and it made me want to slap him in the eyes. I mean, the guy is standing in front of his bathroom mirror in the morning SHAVING THE SIDES OF HIS MUSTACHE OFF. He KNOWS what he is doing. One of two things is going on. Either he's thinking, "Hell yeah. Now I look like fucking HITLER! Awesome!" or he's thinking,"Hmm. I wonder if this mustache makes me look like anyone in particular." If it's the former, he needs to have his ass kicked. If it's the latter he's too retarded to be allowed to handle a razor by himself because he might end up in the emergency room getting his nose reattached. Seriously. In 200 years, if you grow a square mustache under your nose, people will be like, "Why the fuck are you trying to look like Hitler?" It's not some unique look. It's not some old traditional fashion. It is, was, and forever will be a Hitler mustache, and that's fucking ALL it will EVER be.
Christians who don't understand why they don't get to laugh at the whole "Scientology is retarded" thing. Yeah... Thetans, The Galactic Confederacy, Engrams, E-meters, and Xenu are fake. Not like your REAL Heaven, Hell, God, Devil, Miracles, Angels, Jesus, Apocalypse, Adam and Eve, Noah's Ark, and so on and so on.
While I am totally not against comedians cursing, and in fact am a big fan of many comedians who are really obscene, comedians need to realize something. If you are not funny, cursing will not make you funny.
People who always want OTHER people to escalate whatever situation they're in in their lives. Like you'll be happily single, and they want you to try to meet someone. You're dating someone for a while and they want you to get married. You're married and they want you to have a baby. You have a baby and they want you to move out of your apartment and buy a house. You're in your house with your wife and baby, and they think it would be a grand idea for you to have ANOTHER baby. You're at a job making a comfortable living and they think you're totally wasting your time and that you could be making much more somewhere else... Whatever situation you're in, they want you to move it up a notch. MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS, SHITHEADS. I mean, I understand the idea of wanting your firiends to have happy lives, but if your friends ARE HAPPY, leave them the fuck alone. If your friend misses a week of work and gets fired because he's curled up in fetal position on his living room floor covered in his own shit and vomit because he's in the midst of a heroin binge, for fuck sake help him out. If your friend is perfectly fine and content, LEARN TO RECOGNIZE THIS and let him live his damn life the way he wants to.
Girls, particularly girls past puberty, who think it's their duty as a girl to be as absurdly CUTE as possible alllllll the time. Look. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you are not Hello Kitty. It is possible for you to write something without emoticons. It is possible that people could find you attractive, not just adorable; interesting, not just perky. It is possible to say something to someone without punctuating it with a giggle for happy or a pouty lip for sad. Welcome to Non-Cartoon-Land. You're female. We get it. You don't have to constantly play a character.
The way seemingly EVERYTHING has become a tipping job. Like, when I go to a bar or a restaurant with waiter service, I know that tipping is part of the deal and I have no qualms with tipping unless the person is just extraordinarily bad. However, my bullshit meter starts to get jittery when I see a tip jar on the counter at fucking Starbucks or Taco Bell. Uhhh... NO. You don't get a tip for getting my Chalupa order correct. See, there's a difference between a real waiter, whose job is to frequently come to my table and be professional and polite and INTERESTED in the quality of my experience at their restaurant, and some choad who stands at a register and asks what I want, and occasionally doesn't fuck it up. A tip jar at Starbucks? What an excellent place for me to spit my gum.
Retards who name their kids some variation of their last name, like Steven Stevenson, Rob Roberts, Dave Davidson etc. You couldn't think of ANYTHING else?
Commercial kitchens that are so filthy that if you flooded them from floor to ceiling with boiling hot chlorine bleach for a month, as soon as it subsided a cockroach the size of bar of soap would come out of the floor drain to look for food.
Interviewers on TV or Radio who are given a guest that they could have a field day with, but instead start trying to zing them with lame insults, particularly when their insults are based on their own no less idiotic world view. Recently there was some wingnut who ran for governor of Minnesota who claimed he was a vampire and a Satan worshipper who called for public impalings. He went by the name Johnathan "The Impaler" Sharkey. Now, I don't know about you, but to me that's a fucking gold mine. The jabs almost write themselves. How could the interviewer NOT tear this guy eight new assholes? Instead of trouncing him intellectually, which is what I fully expected, the guy starts repeatedly asking him, "Did the sun come up today?" as though he was totally nailing him with irrefutable logic. DUMBSHIT! "No, I thought I'd leave the whole kook thing alone and focus only on the fact that this guy is too stupid to worship the same god as me and doesn't believe, as I do, that the sun rising in the morning is a divine act, a show of goodwill by a benevolent god, and not just the earth rotating in space." Here's the video. Nice going, Fox News dipshits.
Videogames with a learning curve that goes from "Smash this bug, which is glued to the floor so it can't run around" to "While being chased by a thousand robotic metal piranhas, swim naked through this pool of lava to an island of broken glass to fight this rabid porcupine-minotaur which beats the shit out of you while an F-15 is launching missiles at you... and do this all while avoiding detection by these inconveniently placed videocameras" in the first 10 minutes of gameplay.
Retarded videogames whose main directive is avoiding detection. Sneak from shadow to shadow silently. Disable the laser security grid and FOR FUCK SAKE DON'T EVER FIRE A WEAPON! THAT WOULD MAKE NOISE! Fuck that Splinter Cell shit. Know what's awesome? Sneaking around silently with a little pea shooter gun that goes "pew... pew..." with like 10 rounds of ammo total and getting killed by anyone who happens to see you? FUCK NO! Fun is hitting a screeching alien in the face with a grenade launcher at point blank range and having it splatter meat all over the room, in the process nearly killing you and knocking you 30 feet backwards, which gives you a 30 foot and three millimeter lead on the other 20 monsters that are all running at you at 45 miles an hour.
Videogames that are just ridiculously easy, and even as you're going toe to toe with the end boss, you're waiting for it to start getting challenging. For instance, I loved the game Prey and beat it on normal and hard modes. The problem is that 10 minutes into the game you get access to a means of perpetually coming back from the dead, so you can just go balls out and run headlong into packs of enemies and not even pretend to use cover, because if you die, you're just going to pop back into the game 10 seconds later with full health. It would be one thing if this was a cheat, but it's a core part of the game. You die, you go to the spirit world, you randomly spam some arrows at the ghost things, and 10 seconds later, there you are back in the regular game ready to kick ass and die in the process again and again and again.
People who make a point of saying some food or drink is good when it truly couldn't be any other way.
"Hmmmm... This is really nice."
"OF COURSE, IT'S NICE, DUMBSHIT! Do you think Dom Perignon is expensive because it SUCKS?".
DJ's that think they're adding to the feeling and contributing to the music by blurting idiotic bullshit over the music. Like tonight I was listening to a mix of house music. The mix was about an hour and a half long, and about every 10-15 seconds this guy would mute the music, and blurt some sort of "YEAHHHHH THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' BOUT!" *boom-a-tick-a-boom-a-tick-a-boom* "CHECK IT OUT!" *tick-a-boom-a-tick-a-boom-a- "THE PARTY'S POPPIN!" And every couple of minutes he would play this sample that wasn't even in synch with the music, and once again would MUTE the music to play the sample of this guy yelling "BOOyakka! BOOyakka!" Look. I understand if you're some FM radio jackass whose job it is to start mumbling station ID dogshit at the ends of songs, and you have a boss that will yell at you and whatnot if you don't, but if you're yelling stupid shit all through the music, you are RUINING IT. I will turn it off and be angry that I couldn't just listen to the actual music.
That shitty little peach-fuzz mustache shit. Look. If you can't grow a real mustache or beard, then fucking don't. What's the point of that? The whole point of growing a mustache is to look cool. If what you're growing just makes you look like a scumbag who doesn't shower then it kinda defeats the fucking purpose, doesn't it? If you go months and months without shaving your upper lip, and I can grow a better mustache on a three day weekend, then guess what. That's nature's way of telling you that you don't get to have a mustache. Look at me. Do you see me trying to wear a pompadour? No. Nature gave me thin hair on the top of my head just like it gave you shitty looking dark fuzz on the top of your lip. Nature says I can't have a pompadour and nature says that you can't have a goddamn mustache, so shave it the fuck off.
People whose hobby is to comment on every single thing they see, hear and read on the internet. For every thing said on a webpage, loads of bored retards feel the need to look up the administrator's email and tell them that they agree/disagree with it, to what extent, that they are a genius/faggot, and what else they should write about.
I really don't enjoy eating asparagus.
"I read what you said about asparagus and I'm with you, man. One time I was at my girlfriend's parents' house and they offered me some asparagus and I said no thanks. Then they looked at me all crazy and my girlfriend acted embarrassed. I mean, how could anyone like eating asparagus? It tastes like shit. You should also write about how crappy bok choy is. I enjoyed the site. Keep it up. YOUR awesome!"
"God what a retard. I read what you wrote about asparagus and I can only guess that YOUR some kind of faggot communist or some shit. Maybe you just prefer the taste of cock or something. Asparagus is awesome and if you weren't such a little pussy you might be able to appreciate it. Do you even know how many vitamins and minerals are in asparagus? I didn't think so. Knowing that might require not being a moron. You should write a page about how big of a faggot you are and how much you like getting fucked in the ass because you're such a big faggot and I think I might find a page like that kind of intriguing and might actually want to read more about that kind of thing and uhh... but I digress! Take the cock out of your mouth and eat your asparagus, faggot."
Christians who try to reach young people by attempting to paint Jesus as TOTALLY RADICAL, ANTIAUTHORITARIAN, AWESOME, EXTREME, A REBEL! YO, CHECK IT! All the COOL kids want to join our religion of RULES and DISCIPLINE and SELF DENIAL and AVOIDING INSTINCT and DISCRIMINATION and SEXISM and WILLFUL IGNORANCE and CONFORMITY that was started by our totally hip, free-thinking savior. Because YO, dawg! Being brainwashed is DOPE! I be kickin' it with J.C. oldschool! And yo PEEP THIS! (White guy in a cardigan sweater in his mid-30's saying all this by the way.) My savior's got a posse! He be rollin with the Daddy, the J.C. and the Holy G. yo!
Places that require you to have multiple forms of ID. This is just retarded. Think about it. How do you get a driver's license? Show them a Birth Certificate and Social Security Card. What do they want when they want multiple forms of ID? Usually a Driver's License, Social Security Card and / or Birth Certificate. If you faked the documents to get your Driver's License, and someone later asks you for multiple forms of ID, are you then going to suddenly turn honest and go, "DAMN! I have a Driver's License, but this other shit is fake. What am I going to do now?"
Retarded guys who think that any guy can fuck any girl as long as he dresses nice, wears cologne, acts confident, spends a little money and lies through his teeth.
and
Girls who actually give it up for any guy as long as he dresses nice, wears cologne, acts confident, spends a little money and tells them things they want to hear.
Girls who shave their pubes into a little vertical line. What is that supposed to be? You've already shaved off this much. Just go bare. What is the effect you're going for, really? Do you think vertical lines make guys get all crazy horny as opposed to just shaving it all off? "Let me just pull these panties off... HOLY SHIT, A VERTICAL LINE! UHHH UHHH UHHH Uhhhhhhhh. Oh my god, I just came in my shorts."
Guys who have whiskers that grow on a really odd part of their face who seem to think that since they aren't part of the standard beard area they don't need to be shaved... ever. There is this guy I work with who has these weird brown hairs at the very top of his cheeks under his eyes that must be nearly a fucking inch long. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? SHAVE IT OFF, SASQUATCH!
People who think that the best way to get help on an internet forum is to make a new thread simply titled, "HELP ME PLZ!!!!!!" Yep... It could be fucking anything.
The fact that many Americans actually believe that the reason we are in Iraq is to defend freedom, and that we are in general a force for good and liberty around the world, defending freedom where ever it is threatened, when the United States has never actually set up a real democracy, and has in fact overthrown plenty of democratic regimes and in their places helped set up oppressive dictatorships. Iraqis hoping to glimpse their future need look no farther than Augusto Pinochet of Chile, Hugo Banzer of Bolivia, Mohammed Reza Pahlevi the Shah of Iran, Pol Pot of Cambodia, and the list of evil men that we helped out goes on and on. Why, when we repeatedly set up and aid dictatorships primarily with US commercial interests in mind, would the Iraqi people be at ease with us tinkering with how their country is run, and when will Americans wake up to the fact that the words "America" and "Freedom" contradict each other?
Image servers with puny bandwidth limits. Why would any company even bother to create one of these things? I know that bandwidth costs money, and that you get what you pay for, but FUCK. What's the fucking point, when the fourth person to look at your picture gets the dreaded "Bandwidth Exceeded" gif?
These retards we see on TV and the internet who get the living shit beat out of them by cops because they wouldn't pull over. These videos are usually shot by the videocamera on the cop's car. In several of them I've seen the person led the cop on a chase for several miles before stopping and getting this shit beaten out of them and their excuse was that they DIDN'T THINK IT WAS REALLY A COP. Of course, I have heard the stories of people being pulled over by people impersonating the police and then getting robbed or raped or whatever, but guess what. We hear these stories because they are EXCEPTIONAL. In 99.9999999999999999999999999% of cases when there is a squad car behind you with its lights flashing, its sirens wailing and the loudspeaker shouting, "PULL OVER!" it's really a fucking cop. Am I saying it's right for cops to beat people because they're frustrated? No. I will be the last one to stick up for pigs who smash people's teeth in. However, what these people have to realize is that they need to treat a cop the way they would treat a rottweiler. Maybe it's friendly. Maybe it's vicious. If you taunt it, you're going to get your fucking throat ripped out. If a cop has to chase you, expect to not be handled delicately. It's just the way it is. "I didn't think it was really a cop." Well, now I don't think those are really your teeth. Enjoy your dental work because you were too stupid to pull over and just get your fucking ticket, you too-much-tv-watching dipshit. Here's a hint. If Oprah has the story on her show, it's because IT'S VERY UNUSUAL. It's not to implant the idea in your spongy little brain that any cop trying to pull you over probably isn't really a cop, but a rapist.
More on the above... We live in a world where someone can go on a computer and find information on a filling in a molar that you got when you were 12. They can go in your credit card records and look up how many times you bought frozen pizza in the last five years at the local Piggly Wiggly... and how many of those were Pepperoni. Computers control who has water and electricity service, every telephone call you make, the amount of dye used to make Crest Toothpaste the perfect color of blue, traffic lights, what food shows up at what grocery store at what date in what quantity, etc. etc. Am I the only one who thinks it's just a little bit terrifying that in this world where the control of nearly everything is left to the precise calculations of computers, that something as unimportant as, say, THE NATIONAL ECONOMY is still to a great extent handled by a crowded room of coke-addled guys screaming and waving their arms at each other while they write shit on PAPER WITH A PENCIL?
People who think money and wealth is by far the most interesting thing in the world. Sure, you need money to live well, and the more money you have the better, but it is a means, not an end, and people who think money is really fascinating have no vision or imagination at all.
Clueless employees who "don't get what the big deal is" when they get reprimanded for doing something that they could actually be fired for on the spot. "Damn, why does Denise have such a stick up her ass? She wrote me up just because they caught me drinking in the locker room. That's two write ups just this month. Last one was when they caught me taking a bunch of steaks out of the walk-in cooler in my backpack. I mean, what the fuck! They write me up just for that? Bullshit. It's like they're picking on me."
Sunday Liquor Laws. I was never a big drinker, but I can only see Sunday liquor laws as a loss of freedom. With the exception of a few isolated backwards "dry" counties where they haven't figured out that the 1920's are over, buying beer, wine, liquor etc. is legal. However, in almost all states it is illegal to buy or sell alcohol on Sundays. This brings me to the obvious question. Why Sunday? Why the fuck do you think? It's just more of America's lack of separation of church and state. Most Americans are Christians and for them Sunday is Jesusday. So whether you believe in God or not, you are forbidden from buying liquor on the day Christians set aside as holy. Look, if you're a Christian and you want to use Sunday as your day to sober up, that's fine, but to tell other people that they have to wait until Monday to drink is bullshit. Sure you can make the argument that people can stock up on Saturday and drink all they want on Sunday, but the point is that since alcohol is legal, they shouldn't HAVE to. Hell, liquor stores and bars should be allowed to be open seven days a week merely for the fact that they PAY TAXES, which is more than I can say for churches. Which brings me to my next point...
I'm tired of churches' audacity in always pressing forth the idea that churches are pillars of the community. They not only think of themselves as good for the community, but NECESSARY for a good community, all the while paying not one red cent in taxes. Want to do something good for the community? PAY FUCKING TAXES. Know what helps communities? Strong public school systems. In nearly every state in the country the schools are underfunded and in bad shape. I mean, SURELY there's no correlation between the fact that someone can make more money by waiting tables than by teaching and the fact that it's difficult to hire excellent teachers. Maybe schools wouldn't suck if all the churches were paying their fair share. After all, all a church is is a business with no actual product that has FREE MONEY HANDED TO IT by its attendees. What's the product? Once a week some jackass has to think of something to talk about for an hour. That's it. Fuck, I could do that shit. Give ME ten percent of your income, retards. The difference is I would pay taxes, so even if I was just bitching about some guy yelling about Jesus on the train for an hour, I would be doing the community more of a service than any Christian church you could find. Ohhhh, but churches do nice things like doing "toys for tots" programs and "meals on wheels" programs. Bullshit. Usually the people participating in these programs are not reimbursed by the church for doing them. They are taking money out of their own pockets and helping those less fortunate. If the church participates in any way, it's generally not something that comes out of the Sunday offering, but rather they will ask for more money from people. "Thank you for your offering money, now we want you to look in your hearts and look in your wallets and give us some more money so we can do this other program." Of course, the church won't give credit to "Mrs. Smith," but to itself for doing these community service projects. "This month we built a new deck for Lazy Eye Retirement Home." No... Dave and Scott and Frank and Mike built a fucking deck. The church didn't do shit. These community service programs are moot anyway because regular tax revenue would help the community more than an occasional act of philanthropy. If anything, these acts can serve as free advertising. Help an old lady paint her gutters one week, the next week there's a strong likelihood that her ass is going to be sitting in one of your pews and plopping cash in one of your offering baskets.
Movies and TV shows in which they cast 28 year olds to play high school kids.
The explosion of walkie talkie phones. What could possibly be more annoying that cell phone assholes? Cell phone assholes whose phones loudly go "BREEEP!" who then hold their phones away from their faces and yell at them. "BREEEP! YO, WHERE YOU AT?" *Unintelligible loud garbled reply* "BREEEP! WHERE YOU AT?" *Unintelligible loud garbled reply* "BREEEP! YO, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" *Unintelligible loud garbled reply* "BREEEP! YOU THERE? YO! YO, I CAN'T HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYIN'!" *Unintelligible loud garbled reply* "BREEEP! YO! WHERE YOU AT?!"
People who can't have an orgasm unless you perform bizarre rituals. "Okay, now fuck me fast. Okay now slow down. Okay now fast. Uhhh.. Okay now slower.... FASTER FASTER FASTER... Uhhh Uhhhh Keep rubbing the hairbrush on my asshole like that, yeah... NO NO NO NO DON'T TAKE OFF THE FIREMAN HELMET! Okay now slow down a little bit... Too much. Speed up a little... Give me more hairbrush... Okay now drip the Visine in my eyes... Uhhhh Uhhh Yeahhhh.... More hairbrush..... Okay now pinch my nipples... HARD... More hairbrush! Don't ever slow down with the hairbrush! ... Now punch me in the tits... Yeah.. slow down a little.... Uhhh Uhhh Yeahhh.... I need more Visine.... Yeahhhh.... Uhhh.... Okay, stop. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It's just not going to happen. I need someone with false teeth. Sorry."
Comedians who enter into a topic that is a veritable treasure trove of hilarious possibilities, and then they take it in a direction that is either too safe, absolutely predictable, or pathetically infantile, and in all three occasions, just not at all funny.
George Carlin: "Apparently 80% of Americans believe in Angels."
Neg watching TV: "Hah, this is going to be great."
George Carlin: "What are they fucking stupid?!"
Neg watching TV: "Heh. Here it comes. He's gonna rip them to pieces and it's going to be awesome."
George Carlin: "What about Leprechauns or Zombies? That's the problem with zombies. They're unreliable."
Neg watching TV: "Sigh..."
People who ALWAYS complain about feeling like shit who never go to the doctor for whatever is bothering them, and then when you politely ask them how they're doing (the informal greeting, not the "i care how you are doing" inquiry) they always reply with "Ohhh, I'm hangin' in there." You know what? STOP hanging in there. If it's that bad, and you don't really care enough to go to the doctor and get treated, then just die. I mean, if you have cancer or aids or cyctic fibrosis or something and you say, "I'm hangin' in there," you're totally excused and I'm very sorry that you have a terrible life threatening chronic disease. All you bad-knee-havin' migraine-headache-gettin' insomniac whiners can blow it out your asses. You just want the attention that comes with people feeling sorry for you. Awww, your back hurts? So does mine. Big whoop. I still go to work and not everyone has to hear about my fucking tales of woe.
Girls who really hate to give head who don't try to conseal this fact at all while doing it and act like they're doing you a huge favor. You know what? Forget it. Go find some Southern Baptist idiot who thinks that giving head is a degrading abomination and that sex is purely for procreation, because that sounds like loads of fun.
People who think that giving THEM head is the price of admission; totally expected and necessary, but think that giving YOU head is something for birthdays and maybe Christmas if you're lucky.
People, particularly significant others, parents, etc. who think that the best way to show you how much they love you is to constantly nitpick everything you do and critique everything about your appearance, mannerisms, habits, diet, hobbies, career, etc. in an attempt to "help" you. Look. If I'm not what you want, and you want someone better, then fucking go find them. I could give two shits. Take a fucking hike.
People who are really into telling stories who are completely incapable of describing anything so you know what the fuck they're talking about. Key plot points are skimmed over or absent altogether, things that require visual descriptions are completely unintelligible, and the end result is that the person wastes 10 minutes of your time telling you a story and you still have no fucking clue what happened. "Dude! Check it out. I just got back from the mall and the most fucked up thing happened. No wait, come back. Dude, you're gonna love this story. Where are you going? Dude! (I finally give up on trying to avoid the story.) So I'm at the mall and I'm eating at the food court, and this lady is there. (A lady exists in a food court? Fucking amazing.) And like she's all screaming at me and shit because I pissed her off. (How? He doesn't even bother to mention HOW or WHY he pissed her off. She could have been crazy and angry at his general existance, or maybe he took a shit on her food tray. The world will never know, and it's probably better that way.) And then she falls down, (How? No mention.) and she's all trying to get up but her arm is like... up... (Reaching up to get off the floor? Broken and bent at a scary angle? Who fucking knows?) and like she's all yellin' and cursing at me and then this guy is all 'You're gonna have to leave!' (To you or the woman, and who the fuck is this guy?) So I'm in Macy's (I guess he fucking teleported.) and the lady is all 'I'm gonna sue your ass!'" (The same lady or a new lady? Why is she going to sue you? WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS RETARDED MEANDERING TALE?) Then he laughs that "Huh-HEH!" laugh of "The story's over," and i'm standing there wondering why someone would tell another person something that makes absolutely no sense.
Those retarded "disclaimers" that come with pirated software. They always say something like "This software is provided only for evaluation purposes. If you decide to keep it you need to get a valid license by purchasing it. We are in no way responsible, etc. etc." OH, SO I GUESS YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK NOW. You are in no way responsible... BECAUSE YOU SAID SO. Nevermind the fact that you just distributed the full-version software to millions of people, WITH A CRACK FILE.
I can picture the courtroom scene now.
"You are here because you violated sixteen different software companies' copyrights. The estimated total of the damage done to these companies by your distribution of their software is 122 million dollars. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"If you look, in each distribution I put this text file saying that I am not responsible."
"Hmm.... You're free to go."
People with fake camera smiles. The expression on the mouth is saying, "YAY! I'm having so much FUN!" but the expression in the eyes is an unmistakable "Oh, a camera. Sighhh. Hurry up and take the damn picture, my face is cramping up."
Computer programs that crash, but won't hurry up and just fucking finish crashing. You're playing a videogame and then the video locks up. You're sitting there staring at a frozen image. For a minute or so the music and ambient sound effects continue as though nothing had happened. Then the screen goes black and 15-20 seconds later the ambient sounds start to stick and loop. After another few seconds the music stops and a few more seconds later the ambient sound stops. Then for 30-45 seconds you're sitting there staring at a blank screen and hearing no sound... well, no sound other than your own loud cursing and the clickety-clack of you repeatedly smashing Ctrl.-Alt.-Del. trying to kill the program with the task manager. Then you start to see rectangular sections of your desktop peeking through. After another 30 seconds, your whole desktop is showing, the gamma corrects, the resolution goes back to normal, and then that lovely error message with the option to send the crash details to Microsoft pops up. At this point you've had plenty of time to get so angry you can taste blood.
Panhandlers who use a musical instrument who make absolutely no effort to learn how to use it to play actual music. I know what a lot of you are thinking. "Jesus Christ! Neg is shitting on the homeless." No, they've shown us time and time again that they are perfectly capable of shitting on themselves. I'm just saying that if all you're going to do is get a harmonica and then inhale and exhale through it on the same note, just stop. Beg without an instrument. "Weeeee..... Waaaaa..... Weeeee..... Waaaaa.... Weeee..... Waaaaa..." Way to rip it up on the old harp, James Cotton. There is this guy who I have seen on the train for years who has a flutophone. In that span of time he has not learned how to make it sound as though it is playing an actual tune. There's no rhythm, no melody, no patterns. It's just a bunch of random notes at random intevals and intensities. Now, I know the guy is hurting for money. That's not in dispute. What kills me is that this guy plays a musical instrument for hours and hours a day every single day, and has for years, and still can't play music. At this point, "Mary Had a Little Lamb" or "Three Blind Mice" would really impress me.
People who put REALLY tiny pictures on their webpages, and I'm not talking about thumbnails. What's the damn point? For one thing, you can't see a fucking thing, and secondly, I think at this point enough people are off dialup and on something better that we can really say fuck those people who are still puttering along on AOL on a 28.8 modem - it's time to post some decent pictures. WOW! Great band photo. I can almost tell how many members you have.
Asshole Clusters. Now, I know what you're thinking, and you're wrong. This is NOT what your initial reaction would have you believe. Let me explain. You know this guy who is a total shithead. Everything about him makes you want to break a bottle over the bridge of his nose. He knows he's an asshole, and instead of trying to stop being a dick or wondering why hardly anyone likes him, he revels in his asshole-dom. He finds pride and comfort in being the biggest prick imaginable. Then there's this girl who you know seperately. She's a total bitch and most people find her completely intolerable. She too is a proud asshole. You hate these two people individually, and would never think that they are somehow connected. Then you come to find that these two assholes not only know each other, but are actually close friends, or boyfriend-girlfriend, married, etc. Then the two people figure out that they both know you and their shittiness combines to form a two fisted constant barrage of concentrated annoyance.
The general backwards nature of Search Engines. For instance, let's say you want to look up someone you went to college with. Dave Smith lived in Columbus, Ohio the last you knew, so you hit up Google and do a search. First you try Dave Smith. You get a million results, many of which have "Dave" and "Smith" seperately on the page, I.E. "Dave Roebuck and James Smith" So you obviously want to narrow down your search, and logically, typing "Dave Smith Columbus Ohio" should give you more specific results, but instead it makes the results MORE scattered. Now you have eight million results because Google is searching for "Dave" and "Smith" and "Columbus" and "Ohio" and not necessarily together or in order. So now you have results about Columbus the explorer, Columbus High School in Minneapolis, The Ohio State Pottery Association, Smith and Wesson, etc.
Superstitious retards who think that merely talking about a disease can possibly afflict someone with it. The other day I said that I hoped someone got aids. This guy freaked the fuck out.
"Oh my god! Don't say that! What if someone said that about you?"
"Uhh... Let them say that about me. It's not like having a disease wished on you is a legitimate cause of the disease."
"Fuck that. That's taking it TOO FAR. I knew someone with aids. How could you say such a thing?"
"Uhh I can say such a thing because it will have no actual effect. It's not like God will hear what I said and reach his Monty Python cartoon arm out of the cartoon clouds and zap the guy with an aids beam. You knew someone with aids... I bet he didn't have aids because someone WISHED for him to get it."
After going back and forth, the guy couldn't come to terms with the fact that merely talking about a disease couldn't do anything. He finally left me alone when I said if he didn't drop it I would wish for him to get aids.
People who absolutely cannot recognize the humor value of something discriminatory that is actually really funny. Yes, you can make fun of races, religions, the disabled, the poor, the unfortunate, etc. and have it be totally hilarious. (For example Sarah Silverman).
and
People who think that being blatantly racist, discriminatory, hateful etc. automatically makes them edgy and funny, when, in fact, they're just idiots and what they're saying is completely lame. (For example Ann Coulter)..
People who give you WAY too much information.
"Be right back. I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette."
"Oh, okay. I didn't know you smoked."
"Yeah, well, I actually stopped smoking for ten years, but then I started up again a few years ago after my daughter was raped and murdered."
"Oh... uhh... okay... uhh... See you in a few."
What the fuck is that? I just said I didn't know she smoked, I didn't say it was sharing time. I mean, if I don't know someone well enough to know they smoke I think it's fair to say I don't know them well enough to have them share their deepest darkest painful memories with me either. I'm not denying that it's a terrible thing, or that she might get some sort of relief from talking to people about it, but If I don't know your middle name, your birthday and the town where you were born, I really don't need to know what makes you cry yourself to sleep every night. Just go smoke your cigarette. Christ.
Pop-up Blockers. Explain this shit to me. Why is it that pop-up blockers will block linked pages that apprear in a new window, like this, and things like Windows Update and many other legitimate sites that have redirects or installation prompts but THEY DON'T BLOCK ACTUAL POP UP ADS?
The fact that I apparently have the "Ask me for directions" face. I could be surrounded by a hundred people, and some confused asshole will look at the crowd and go, "Uhhh.... THAT guy." What makes this doubly retarded is the fact that I constantly wear headphones when I'm out and about. If I'm not at home or at work or hanging out with friends, I have headphones on playing extremely loud music, simply because there's this annoying noise that humans make that I have no interest in hearing whatsoever... I think it's called talking or something. Seriously, the primary reason for me buying an iPod and those ISOLATING plug headphones is to blot out the idiotic noise of human mouths, because 99% of the things people rattle on about make me feel like slapping myself in the forehead, and the louder they speak, the dumber the words coming out of their mouths. OH NO, don't ask all those people who DON'T have headphones on. Ask that guy who has to go, "Hang on a second." (Takes off headphones) "Huh?" Why are people so stupid that they will look around for someone to ask for directions and think "Hmmm... ASK THE ANNOYED LOOKING GUY WITH THE HEADPHONES"? Maybe it's just me, but if I ask for directions, and the person seems annoyed, that's when I say, "Nevermind. Sorry to bother you," before I end up miles away from where I wanted to go. I should just start giving people WRONG directions for laughs.
It happens to me constantly. I will be on the train or walking down the sidewalk in my "Get these filthy animals away from me" trance, lulled by really grating music that's loud enough to block out at least some of the idiocy, when some ass will come up to me waving his arms and going, "MUH MUH MUH MUH!"
I take out one of my headphones and say, "WHAT?" I say this intentionally loudly to let them know that they're interrupting something.
"Does this train go to Utica?"
"I don't know." (I really don't.)
They stare at me with the "I'll need more information than that" expression on their face.
"I don't know. I don't take the train to Utica."
At that point they usually ask me the exact same question again, as I stuff the earphone back in and shrug at them.
I was actually on the way home today with the intention of writing this entry when it happened again, to a completely stupid extreme. If you read down a few entries, I was bitching about not being able to find an office chair mat. I finally found one after going to four MORE different stores and was bringing it home. As I got off the train, I was thirsty so I stopped in a store to get a carton of orange juice. So I'm walking down the street with the rolled up office mat on my right shoulder and the orange juice in my left hand. Then, of course, there he is. This old guy comes running at me flapping his arms at me. One of the flapping hands had a subway map in it. "MUH MUH MUH!!!"
I yelled at him. "I HAVE HEADPHONES ON AND CAN'T HEAR A THING YOU'RE SAYING AND I DON'T HAVE A FREE HAND TO TAKE THEM OFF! ASK SOMEONE ELSE." He continued trying to ask me shit as I walked off.
Old guys who sit in barber shops when they aren't even getting a haircut just so they have people to talk to. Yeah, I know you're lonely. I also know that you're here because you know there will be plenty of people stuck in chairs who can't move for 10-30 minute intervals. Here's a tip. Not all of them are there to talk to you, and most of them probably don't give a shit what you have to say about the Yankees, Immigration Reform, The President, your granddaughter's wedding, etc. etc. etc.
Over-careful spoiler warners on forums. Like on the Oblivion forums there's a whole section entitled "Cheats, Hints, Spoilers" and about HALF of the posts have "WARNING: SPOILER" in the subject. A spoiler in the spoiler section? NO SHIT? Thanks for the heads up.
Independent podcasters who try to do that ultra-deep FM radio DJ voice. You know what's refreshing about podcasts? That it's NOT FM RADIO. It's some guy in his apartment sharing music and views that radio would never touch. Be yourself. Don't intentionally sound like an FM radio jackass, because hey, radio sucks balls.
Newspapers and news programs that have obvious political interests, whether those interests are conservative, liberal, or whatever. I hate to point out the obvious, and correct me if I'm wrong, but the news should simply tell me what happened, not how I should feel about what happened. The news in different newspapers and shows should also have pretty much the same information from paper to paper and channel to channel, not that Bush is a great leader with keen insight who is mending our economy on one channel and then on another channel he's a bumbling doofus who sent our troops to die in an unwinnable war on another channel. It's like watching competing versions of Pravda. Just tell me what happened, not how I should think, shitheads. Maybe if you assholes weren't so focused on turning facts into "stories" the news might actually have a lot more time and page space for MORE FACTS. And here's a fucking concept. There are an ass-ton of cable channels, magazines, newspapers, etc. that are 100% devoted to sports.... so, uhh.... FUCK sports. They have their own media outlets. In the regular newspaper there should be MORE ECONOMY. MORE DOMESTIC ISSUES. MORE WAR UPDATES. MORE LOCAL NEWS. MORE NATIONAL POLITICS. MORE FOREIGN RELATIONS. LESS... no, fuck that... NO SPORTS. Barry Bonds is not hurting for press. He's just some dumbass celebrity like Britney Spears, Tom Cruise, Madonna, etc. etc. As much as these people have captivated the minds of extremely impressionable people, NOTHING THEY DO WILL HAVE THE SLIGHTEST IMPACT ON THE WAY WE LIVE, FOR GOOD OR ILL, and if they change the way YOU live, then you're too stupid to be called human, and hence have no need of things like newspapers. Here, have a banana and some shiny, shiny tin foil. You can even hold it out in front of you like a newspaper and mimic humans, but this will be better for you because shiny = YAY.
People who can't accept a compliment primarily because every single word you can think of to compliment them they hate or think is corny. Like you're dating some girl. You've been together for plenty of time that you're fairly comfortable talking to each other. You tell her you think she's beautiful.
"Oh GAWD! Beautiful. Gag."
"... Okay... so... pretty."
"EWWW! Flowers are pretty. People aren't."
"Uhhh... cute?"
"CUTE? YOU THINK I'M FUCKING CUTE? Cute is something you say to ugly girls so you don't hurt their feelings."
"Attractive?"
"Oh, yes, darling, I'm so ATTRACTIVE, yes?" (Said with a mockingly phony English debutante accent.)
"Uhhhh... Good looking?"
"What is this, 1982?"
"Uhhhhh.... Hot?"
"Oh, I guess it must BE 1982. 'Hot.' Pffft."
"Fine."
"Fine? Aren't you laying it on a little thick?"
"No, 'fine' as in 'whatever,' as in 'fuck it.'"
Software that thinks that it is the very most important thing on your computer, and will do things like require a million confirmations to close, refuse to let you reboot your computer until you confirm something with it, reboot your computer because it needs to, have "always on top" checked as the default option, pop up while you're playing a videogame and fuck you up so you have to restart the videogame, etc. Here's a clue, assholes. An instant messaging program, CD/DVD burner program, antivirus program, media player, document editor, graphics editor, etc. is NOT IN CHARGE HERE. NO you DON'T get to handle every file extension. NO I DIDN'T get a CD burner program so I could use it to view DVD's and listen to MP3's. NO I DIDN'T get an antivirus program so I would have something extra to click every time I open an executable. NO I DIDN'T buy a game so I could have access to an online game network. NO, I DON'T WANT TO REGISTER ONLINE RIGHT NOW. YES, I WILL CHECK THE BOX THAT SAYS "DO NOT REMIND ME AGAIN." "A NEW VERSION OF ITUNES IS AVAILABLE!" Thanks, because that's just what I was wondering as I was fighting the end boss! Software should be there when I want it and invisible when I don't, like beaten children: seen and not heard. You got my money, asshole software designer shitheads. Now leave me the fuck alone.
People at work who talk the big talk when they're in the break room saying that they're going to tell the manager to go fuck themselves, then tuck their tails between their legs and obediently do whatever the manager tells them to.
and
People who think they can get away with telling the manager to go fuck themselves and then get fired like dumbasses.
Actually, now that I think about it, I don't want to destroy the latter. They're perfectly capable of destroying themselves and they provide their coworkers with hilarious entertainment.
Rich celebrities who publicly complain about how bad poor people have it and wave an accusing finger at the upper class.... of which they themselves are a part.
People who show you an ID that is obviously.... OBVIOUSLY fake or borrowed, like you're too stupid to notice typos or the fact that the guy in the picture looks as much like them as Walter Mondale looks like Lucy Liu.
People at work who send you bullshit chain emails. "Hmmm, new email from the regional office. This is probably important..... 'This email was started by Mother Helena of yadda yadda ... Please pass this on to as many... doot-dee-dooo.... receive a blessing... blah blah blah, skim, skim, skim...' Nope. It wasn't." *Delete*
People who fail to comprehend the concept that if you wipe something with a filthy rag or mop a floor with filthy mop-water, it won't be clean.
Podcasts that make a show... then a few months later they make another one... then they never update again.
Podcasts that update mainly for the purpose of telling you to vote for them on some site.
Podcasts that update mainly for the purpose of telling you that they have a new T-shirt or sticker for you to buy in their online store.
People who email me threatening legal action if I don't remove something from the website, particularly when it's something that there is truly no legal reason for me not to use and it's something that's been on the site for years. I've had legal action threatened against me for my Canada page for years. So far, 100% of the time it's a always a one-time email with no follow-up or anything.
"Remove such-and-such page from your website. I have notified my lawyer and we are filing suit against you. Expect court notification within one week."
"No."
The week goes by, then two weeks, and then a month, and then a year, and then two years.... and I sip my beer and look at porn.
People at work who ask you questions that no human without a computer brain would ever remember. This is always presented with a "You'd better remember" vibe.
"We found this unpaid bill from a client and we need you to help us out. Nobody put the client's name on the bill. Now, I know it's May, and the bill is from last August, and that you're not even working at the same unit as you were then and have probably already forgotten most of the clients' names, which would be easy because you had hundreds of clients at that location, and you had dozens of bills very much like this every single day, and most of the clients had loads of functions and most of them were almost exactly the same, and there is nothing particularly remarkable about the things on the bill that would really make it stand out, and when you were at that unit you weren't even involved in any way with customer billing, but as you can see, it's unpaid so we need you to try to remember whose bill this is so we can charge them."
The fact that the fat "Star Wars Kid" sued and WON. I call bullshit on this, bigtime. The way I see it, if you do something retarded, especially THIS retarded and hilarious, and make a video of it, expect it to get out and get laughed at. I mean, I made a video of me in bed with a fish, so this isn't something I can't relate to. Make the video, get laughed at. Buy the ticket, take the ride. If anything, the kid should have played it off coolly and tried to milk some fame off it. It's him or Andy Milonakis, and ANYTHING is better than Andy Milonakis. That kid got his own show on MTV from making a webcam video of a retarded rap about his dad touching his dick, and personally, I'd rather watch an extreme closeup of Grampa Munster taking a bloody shit in a slow motion loop for three hours than watch Andy Milonakis for five seconds.
People who can't come to terms with the fact that their favorite band DOES have musical influences and instead think that they are just geniuses who invented their own sound out of thin air and in fact don't actually even listen to anyone else's music, particularly when their music sounds almost totally derivative of something else specifically.
"Cool song. It has sort of a Peter Gabriel era Genesis feel to it."
"GENESIS? You think they sound like GENESIS?"
"Uhhh... they sound almost EXACTLY like Genesis, at least the stuff Genesis was doing early on. Mind if I see the CD cover? Hmmm... Okay, uh, yeah. This other song 'Watcher of the Skies' is a Genesis cover song. I guess I kinda hit the nail on the head, huh."
"Pffft, uhhh, well, pffff, you think-, uhh, .... WHATEVER!"
The fact that at Hotmail when you fill in the form to log in you have to put "negativepositive@hotmail.com." Why not just make me put "negativepositive" since ALL the email addresses at hotmail are @hotmail.com (or should be)? Where the fuck else would my email account be from if I'm trying to log into hotmail?
People who wouldn't have a single article of clothing to wear if someone used a time machine to go back in time and destroy all professional sports. On a side note, if anyone has a time machine and needs a volunteer to go back in time and destroy all professional sports, I'm the man for the job. You don't even have to pay me.
People who not only know who Katie Kouric is, but know the name of her child and actually think about and care how they're doing.
People at work, particularly who don't have any sort of authority over you, who don't happen to notice when you're busting your ass for hours on end, but then see you sitting down for a few minutes to eat something or make a phone call and then chime in with some variation of "Ohhhh. I see how it is. Look at this guy. Boy, I wish my job was that easy." Die. Seriously. Eat a big cup full of roofing tacks and just stop being alive.
Banner ads with SOUND. So you run a website and put banner ads on it. I understand you need the money, but if I'm browsing your website and suddenly hear gunshots and look up and see some sort of retarded "Shoot the ninjas and get a PS3" I'm going to shut your page so fucking fast, even if it's something I want to read. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but you didn't create a page to have people remember it as "that fucking annoying page with a million retarded flash ads," right? Are you listening to me, Heavy.com?
Retartds that use "replacement" curse words. "OH SHISH KEBAB! Why would she freakin' do that? What a freakin' witch!" Congratulations. We all know exactly what you meant, but you sounded completely stupid saying it. If the INTENT is there, and you actually conveyed that by "freak" you mean "fuck," what difference does it make if you say "fuck" or "freak?" Just say "fuck." We know you MEANT "fuck," and yes, JESUS knows you meant "fuck," so just FUCKING say it, dumbass.
People on forums who respond to help threads with retarded shit because they didn't really read the question. Like on a videogame forum...
>>Negativepositive: "I need to cross the bridge but the river man says the bridge is only for townsfolk. The guide says I'm supposed to talk to Bagu in his cabin in the woods at position F-7, but I go there and Bagu isn't there. Is there some sort of bug fix or console workaround to put the NPC back?"
>>LeetJediGamerX "You need to talk to Bagu. He's in a cabin in the woods."
>>Negativepositive: "No, my game has some glitch. I go to the position he's supposed to be at, and he's not there. Is there a fix for this bug?"
>>Darkshadowofshadowydarknessandshadow: "After you talk to the river man you need to talk to Bagu at postition F-7 in the woods."
>>Negativepositive: "I go to F-7 in the woods. Bagu is NOT THERE. I KNOW he's SUPPOSED to be there, but he IS NOT. My game has a glitch where the NPC 'Bagu' is NOT AT THE POSITION HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE AT."
>>ArchkangelX: "You need to look in the woods, kind of northeast of the town. At position F-7 you will find Bagu's cabin and he will say 'I am Bagu. Show my note to the river man.'"
>>Negativepositive: "Ok, LOOK. Here is a SCREENSHOT of my game. Notice that I am in Bagu's cabin. Note that I am at position F-7. Note how I am the only one there. BAGU IS NOT IN MY GAME. If ANYONE has a workaround, patch, bugfix, etc. please reply. If you are going to tell me that I need to talk to Bagu at position F-7, please STICK A CORK IN IT."
>>LeetJediGamerX: "Don't try to flame us for helping you. It's not our fault that you're a n00b who can't find Bagu. We even told you where to find him."
>>Negativepositive: I just want to thank everyone on this forum for being retarded and not actually reading my question before replying with idiocy. I'm going to just go ahead and email their tech support and get the actual answer. Hopefully they will be less stupid than the people on this forum.
To: techsupport@stupidgame.com
From: negativepositive@hotmail.com
Subject: Missing NPC
I need to talk to the NPC "Bagu" but he is apparently not in my game. I go to his cabin at position F-7 but he is not there and I cannot progress in the game until I talk to him. This is apparently a glitch. Is there a bug fix or console command or patch I can use to insert Bagu at the position he is supposed to be at? Screenshot included.
To: negativepositive@hotmail.com
From: techsupport@stupidgame.com
Re: Missing NPC
Bagu can be found at position F-7. In the future please direct all game hint requests to hints@stupidgame.com.
To: techsupport@stupidgame.com
From: negativepositive@hotmail.com
Re: Missing NPC
I hope you get aidscancer.
Then there are the idiots who understand your question, and then refer you to a link that contains no information that would help you. It would take them half a minute to do a Ctrl F and check and see if the answer to your question is there, but no, they'd rather you waste your time looking for shit that isn't even on the page.
>>Helpfulman5000: "This site should have what you're looking for. http://www.stupidgamefansite.com/bugfixes.html"
>>Negativepositive: "Thanks, but I checked the link and it doesn't have anything about my issue."
Helpfulman5000, or course, says nothing, as he is flying around the internet with his cape looking for other people in need of help, so he can... NOT help them at all.
Then there are these delightful retards.
>>Negativepositive: The new version seems pretty good except when I try to save my information, the program crashes. This didn't happen in previous versions.
>>Knowsmoreguy: No, the new version is totally stable. I'm using it and I have no problems at all.
>>Negativepositive: "I need to cross the bridge but the river man says the bridge is only for townsfolk. The guide says I'm supposed to talk to Bagu in his cabin in the woods at position F-7, but I go there and Bagu isn't there. Is there some sort of bug fix or console workaround to put the NPC back?"
>>LeetJediGamerX "You need to talk to Bagu. He's in a cabin in the woods."
>>Negativepositive: "No, my game has some glitch. I go to the position he's supposed to be at, and he's not there. Is there a fix for this bug?"
>>Darkshadowofshadowydarknessandshadow: "After you talk to the river man you need to talk to Bagu at postition F-7 in the woods."
>>Negativepositive: "I go to F-7 in the woods. Bagu is NOT THERE. I KNOW he's SUPPOSED to be there, but he IS NOT. My game has a glitch where the NPC 'Bagu' is NOT AT THE POSITION HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE AT."
>>ArchkangelX: "You need to look in the woods, kind of northeast of the town. At position F-7 you will find Bagu's cabin and he will say 'I am Bagu. Show my note to the river man.'"
>>Negativepositive: "Ok, LOOK. Here is a SCREENSHOT of my game. Notice that I am in Bagu's cabin. Note that I am at position F-7. Note how I am the only one there. BAGU IS NOT IN MY GAME. If ANYONE has a workaround, patch, bugfix, etc. please reply. If you are going to tell me that I need to talk to Bagu at position F-7, please STICK A CORK IN IT."
>>LeetJediGamerX: "Don't try to flame us for helping you. It's not our fault that you're a n00b who can't find Bagu. We even told you where to find him."
>>Negativepositive: I just want to thank everyone on this forum for being retarded and not actually reading my question before replying with idiocy. I'm going to just go ahead and email their tech support and get the actual answer. Hopefully they will be less stupid than the people on this forum.
To: techsupport@stupidgame.com
From: negativepositive@hotmail.com
Subject: Missing NPC
I need to talk to the NPC "Bagu" but he is apparently not in my game. I go to his cabin at position F-7 but he is not there and I cannot progress in the game until I talk to him. This is apparently a glitch. Is there a bug fix or console command or patch I can use to insert Bagu at the position he is supposed to be at? Screenshot included.
To: negativepositive@hotmail.com
From: techsupport@stupidgame.com
Re: Missing NPC
Bagu can be found at position F-7. In the future please direct all game hint requests to hints@stupidgame.com.
To: techsupport@stupidgame.com
From: negativepositive@hotmail.com
Re: Missing NPC
I hope you get aidscancer.
Then there are the idiots who understand your question, and then refer you to a link that contains no information that would help you. It would take them half a minute to do a Ctrl F and check and see if the answer to your question is there, but no, they'd rather you waste your time looking for shit that isn't even on the page.
>>Helpfulman5000: "This site should have what you're looking for. http://www.stupidgamefansite.com/bugfixes.html"
>>Negativepositive: "Thanks, but I checked the link and it doesn't have anything about my issue."
Helpfulman5000, or course, says nothing, as he is flying around the internet with his cape looking for other people in need of help, so he can... NOT help them at all.
Then there are these delightful retards.
>>Negativepositive: The new version seems pretty good except when I try to save my information, the program crashes. This didn't happen in previous versions.
>>Knowsmoreguy: No, the new version is totally stable. I'm using it and I have no problems at all.
More Amazon Recommendation Retardation. I recently bought a new iPod, my third, because my second one just magically decided to stop being chargable (Don't get me started. I wanted some other brand of mp3 player, but as shitty as iPods are, apparently everything else is shittier.). I bought it on Amazon. Mistake. Now my recommendations are fucked beyond any hope of repair. Apparently the way they decide what to recommend is they look at what you bought, and then look at everyone else who bought the thing you bought, which, being an iPod is EVERY HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET FUCKING EARTH, and they look at the things THOSE people bought and then recommend EVERYTHING ANY OF THEM EVER BOUGHT. Now I have page after page of shit I have zero interest in buying, and many products I have a direct hatred towards, and under each one it says "Recommended because you purchased Apple 30 GB iPod with Video Playback Black." Let's see here.... digital camera.... electric barbecue grill... a subscription to Vanity Fair... a Norelco electric razor... a Beck cd... the first season of Oz on dvd.... a Logitech mouse... another digital camera... Premium Vehicle Power Charger for Motorola RAZR V3... a Gameboy game... Bill Blass Men's Dress Shirt with Fashion Pointed Collar (no shit).... KitchenAid KSM150PSER Artisan Series 5-Quart Mixer, Empire Red... Sheffield WH58009 Folding Lock Back Utility Knife... Fuck you, Amazon dipshits.
Passive aggressive shitheads who do things intentionally because they know it inconveniences you and makes them feel like they have some sort of power. At my job we close at 12:00 and I'm the closing manager. We have this one fucking guy who shows up at like 11:58 every single fucking day and orders food. So at 12:10 or whatever when his food is done, he gets his food from the counter, which is like 10 feet away from the cashier, and he plays with his cell phone as he shuffles.... and shuffles... and shuffles... to the cashier. The 10 foot journey takes about a minute. Then he puts his food on the counter by the cashier, then goes "Hang on a second." Then he heads over to the soft drink cooler, still playing with his cell phone. Shuffle.... shuffle.... shuffle.... Then he gets to the soft drink cooler (which of course he could have done while his food was being cooked) and stares at the sodas for a while. Then after hard contemplation on which flavor of carbonated sugar water is correct, and ALWAYS asking if we have something in the back that's not in the display cooler, and some more playing with his cell phone, he takes a bottle back to the cashier.... Shuffle..... shuffle.... shuffle.... shuffle... Then he gets to the cashier and the she rings up all his stuff. He then starts digging for his wallet (which, of course he could have been doing while the cashier was ringing up his food). He pulls out his money as slow as fucking possible and gives it to the cashier. The cashier finishes his transaction. At this point, he USUALLY decides that he picked the wrong soft drink and shuffles back over to the cooler to get a different one. At about 12:15 we close the gate behind him. Essentially this guy owes me 15 minutes of overtime for 4 employees 7 days a week. Any attempt to hurry him up by saying we're supposed to be closed slows the situation down even more as he will actually stop moving entirely to argue about his inflated sense of entitlement. Very few things in the world make me happier than hitting him across the eyes with a two by four.
The lame SNL thing. Occasionally on Saturday Night Live they will do something that's funny. Yes, I know, I didn't think it was possible either. When this happens, apparently Lorne Michaels goes "Okay, that was pretty good. We're now going to do it every single week until people hate it. Oh, and the movie starts filming in three weeks." Recently Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg made a rap about the Chronicles of Narnia that was on the money. It truly was funny as hell. Sorry, guys. You made the mistake of doing something good on SNL. Now you get to rap on every episode until everyone is sick of it.
People who think that the absolute pinnacle of human achievement is having wheels on your car that keep spinning when your car is stopped at a red light and metal teeth with diamonds in them.
People who pay attention to what you're wearing, and then point out when you wear the same thing too often for their liking. "Heh. You wore that tie the day before yesterday." Why do you care? Who gives a shit? Get a fucking hobby instead of paying attention to what other people wear, you petty dipshit. If it was up to me I wouldn't wear a tie at all, but my job makes me. If I didn't think some shithead like you would point it out, I would probably just own one tie instead of wasting my money on a bunch of ties when I could give half a shit about ties. If it's clean, who gives a fuck? Do I really look like one of those preppy retards who gets ready for work and looks at his stupid motorized Sharper Image tie rack and thinks "Hmmm.. do I feel cobalt blue or coral today?"
The fact that I bitched about "LOL" on this page about 6 or 7 years ago, and honestly, at the time I thought that people would get tired of "LOL" and it would go away. I actually remember feeling weird writing it at the time as I figured it would be too short-lived a fad and that the entry would soon be dated. Now, all these years later, "LOL" is still going strong, and is starting to seem like it will never go away. A million years form now there will be a race of 7 foot tall superhumans with huge foreheads speaking telepathically to each other.... "Glibnox';.`,` flenditzur``,`.`,';``; greespockle .`;',` rambrixten LOL!"
Religious Doomsday Retards. There are few things on this planet dumber than people who believe in their heart of hearts that any second the world is going to be destroyed. For 2000 years these idiots have been like "Uhhh... maybe NOW! .... Okay..... NOW!.... Hmmm... NnnnnnnnnnnOW! No wait..... uhh...... NOW!" Then when it doesn't happen they fall back on the excuse that "We never know when it will happen. It says it will come like a thief in the night." The fact that they predict it will happen, and then it doesn't, doesn't throw them off for a second. Being WRONG doesn't sway them at all. They're still SURE that it will happen any day now. Like this guy I worked with at my last job, on friday I would say "See you monday," and he would always shoot back with "Maybe you will, maybe you won't. It's all in His hands." Then of course he showed up on monday and found no irony in saying the exact same thing NEXT friday. Do they seriously not see the idiocy of this? Like, if I tell people that I know a Buick LaSabre is going to fall out of the sky and crush me as I walk out of my apartment one morning, and then when day after day, year after year it doesn't happen, I would feel like an idiot, but these religious morons don't feel the least bit embarassed by holding to their assertion that it's "coming very soon."
They always cite the same things as concrete proof that it's time for the world to end, citing the book of Revelations, which, while it's probably the most entertaining part of the Bible, it's still part of the Bible, and hence complete bullcrap. "How can you deny? The four horsemen of the apocalypse are upon us! Look at all the war going on!" Oh, you mean like all those wars that are ALWAYS going on? "And look at all these dieases!" Oh, you mean like how there's always loads of diseases? "And the famine!" Oh, like how threre always is in war-torn overpopulated desert countries? "And death! Look at all those people who died in <insert natural disaster/war/terrorist attack/etc.>" Well gee, maybe if the world wasn't in the midst of a population explosion crisis you MIGHT have a point about the death thing.
A while ago I had a lady who worked for me who came to my office asking to leave early from work. I asked why and she said there was a storm coming. I looked outside and sure enough there was a bad thunderstorm brewing. I said that I couldn't let her leave while everyone else was stuck at work just because it was going to rain, and she replied that I should let them all go home too to be with their families because this wasn't just a thunderstorm, this was the APOCALYPSE. Of course, I made her finish her shift despite her protesting, the storm turned out to just be a normal thunderstorm and she showed up the next day for work like nothing happened.
More forum retardation. What is it with forums that attracts so many people who think that the way THEY say the same thing that's been said a million fucking times is so fresh and original that they feel the need to start a whole new thread? Example that nobody will understand: In the Final Fantasy Online forums, they start new threads about every one or two days about why they are going to play Summoner/Black Mage, despite the fact that it doesn't work AT ALL. The game is like two and a half years old, and in the first month of it being live, people figured out that Summoner/White Mage is the ONLY job/sub-job combo for summoner that is effective, and that a black mage sub does NOT WORK whatsoever. Of course, two years later, and after many of these idiots have even played the game for that amount of time, they keep coming back with the same arguments over and over and over. The end result is always the same. They try out SMN/BLM for like a month or two, then when they can't get any parties because their job combo is pointless, they try out SMN/WHM and come back on the forums as champions for SMN/WHM, and rip on the ever-refilling bin of retards who can't shut up for two seconds and read the myriad of posts EXACTLY like what they're about to write and find out that they're idiots.
Another thing: Why are people too stupid to read stickies or use the search function before asking the same questions over and over? On the Oblivion forums, every fourth thread is "where can I buy lockpicks?" AHOY, DIPSHITS! LOOK AT THE FIRST PAGE OF THE FORUM. In fact, look at the first ten pages of the forum. You will find three or four threads PER PAGE asking the same question, and replies answering that you talk to Shady Sam or join the Thieves Guild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointheThievesGuild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointheThievesGuild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointheThievesGuild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointheThievesGuild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointheThievesGuild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointheThievesGuild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointheThievesGuild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointheThievesGuild. WheredoIgetlockpicks? TalktoShadySamorjointhe- SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUUUUUP!
People who make sure everyone else in their place of work knows exactly how much they despise their job, as though hating your job is an inherent, natural or even necessary part of being employed. There is a lady I work with who says to me, LITERALLY every time I see her, "God I hate my job. Did I mention that I hate my job?" Hate your job? Then fucking quit. Believe me, life would go on if you left. Part of the irony is that this lady doesn't work nearly as hard as some of the people there, by far, and doesn't have any qualms about going behind people's back to upper management to tell them that she's the only one that does anything. Gee, you know what makes people hate their jobs? Well one thing would be working in a place where you're surrounded by back-stabbers. Another would be if you worked somewhere that everyone thought of you as a two-faced liar, brown-noser and snitch.
Software that automatically checks online to see if there's a new version and alerts you to download it if there is.... and there's a new version every three fucking days, and usually these are programs that also tell you you need to reboot for the updates to take effect.
Videogames that cost 50 bucks that you can beat on a single saturday.
and
Videogames that take a year or more to beat, not because there are so many side quests to do and so much area to explore, but because levelling and equipping a character is made so mind-blowingly tedious.
Bulletin Boards on College Campuses. I wonder if anyone looks at the announcements as a cross-section of mainstream American Culture. Subjects range from Feminist, Feminist, Feminist, Gay/Lesbian, Christian, Feminist, Muslim, Feminist, Gay/Lesbian, ENGLISH LITERATURE SEMINAR, Feminist, Christian, Gay/Lesbian, Latino, Fashion Show, Feminist, USED BOOKS FOR SALE, Christian, Feminist, Indian, Feminist, Feminist, Muslim, and Feminist.
"Black" or "White" albums. "Oooooohhh - I just got a copy of my favorite totally unoriginal band's Black Album." That shit was original ONCE, and even then it was a cop-out. Can't be bothered to come up with a title or album artwork? Then GET BACK TO WORK, and stop acting like your laziness is some sort of pretentious feature, as though this album is really special and interesting because it's black and untitled.
Webpages, Podcasts, comics, web cartoons etc. that don't update because they thought of something really awesome, but because it's Wednesday, and Wednesday is update day. The most common emails and IM's I get are people bitching because I haven't updated the page. I say be thankful I haven't updated the page, because if I haven't updated the page, I haven't thought of enough interesting stuff to make an update, and instead of updating it with boring garbage because "hmmm - I need to update" and turning the page into a dumbass Penny-Arcade-esque snore-fest, I actually wait until I have more good stuff to put on the page so you can spend more than 5 seconds reading some crap I wrote and feeling like, "Well... at least he's alive... Maybe the next update will be better."
People at work who believe that as soon as they leave nobody does a fucking thing. They come in after being off and say something like "Wow, this is dirty. I bet nobody cleaned it since the last time I was here."
and
People at work who actually won't do a fucking thing unless someone is constantly behind them whipping them along. They start fucking off the instant a manager isn't looking directly at them. The manager kicks their ass, they move an inch. The manager kicks their ass again, they move another inch. The manager stops kicking their ass, they don't do a shred of work from that moment until they punch out.
Bands who play live and sound EXACTLY like they do on the CD and wear the exact same stuff they wear in their music videos and don't improvise or do anything to make the performance more exciting than just listening to their damn CD.
and
Bands who either improvise so much or play live so poorly that you can hardly make out what song they are playing, and then when you finally realize what song it is, all you can think is, "How can my favorite band make my favorite song sound like shit?"
DEV2.O. With fun songs like "Whip it," "Freedom of Choice," and "Jockohomo," Devo had its moment in the sun. They were pioneers; fearless geeks who weren't afraid to declare that they were "Through Being Cool." So what became of them? Did they enjoy their moment of fame and gracefully disappear? HELL NO. They sold out to fucking DISNEY. Disney then formed a band of CUTE TEENAGERS, who make the A-TEENS seem hardcore, to play Devo's songs. Of course, by "play their songs" I mean lipsynch and pretend to play instruments while wearing red "energy dome" hats. I mean, the keyboard player looks like she's eight. I'm sure she really programmed all the synths. I would like to think of something to make a good comparison, but there simply isn't anything WRONG enough to compare to this. Congratulations, Disney and Devo. You have successfully broken my will to fight.
The fact that Microsoft is basically king of the computer world, yet Microsoft.com is absolutely the SLOWEST FUCKING WEBSITE ON THE ENTIRE GODDAMN INTERNET.
Managers who think an effective management style is: Give people either no instructions or very vague or incomplete instructions, and then yell at them when things don't turn out right.
and
Employees who completely grind to a halt and don't try to figure anything out unless they are given 100% explicit instructions on every tiny detail of a task.
Employees who perform the exact same task at the exact same time every day, who have to be told every single day to do the task, and every day they act surprised.
"It's 8:00."
"Huh?"
"Time to close down that station."
"Huh?"
"This station has to be closed down. It's 8:00."
"OHHHHHHHH! Okay."
People at work who think that if you help them do something once, you will now just do that task every time it has to be done.
Girls who draw extremely sub-par wanna-be anime drawings or write hilariously hokey poetry who are then inordinately praised as though they are astoundingly talented and inspired because they are girls. Here's a tip, ladies. We've all seen good art and we've all read good poetry. While keeping your memories of good art and poetry in your mind, try to look at what you've done from an objective perspective. Now weigh your evaluation of your work against how much praise you receive for it from males. Yes. They just want to fuck you.By the way, there are loads of amazingly talented women artists and writers, and if you felt any insecurity or offense from reading this entry at all, you can rest assured that you probably aren't one of them.
Complete dumbshit moment of the day: Someone left the ice cream cooler door open. After 15 seconds, there is an alarm on the door that makes this really grating sound that can be heard from FAR away to prevent people from leaving the door open and letting the ice cream melt. I hear the noise and look over. The dish guy is standing in front of the ice cream cooler about 2 feet away from it. He HAS to hear the sound.
I point at the cooler, thinking he would know what to do without me yelling across with customers around.
"Whuh?"
*Beeeep Beeeep Beeeep*
I point some more. He just stands there staring at me.
*Beeeep Beeeep Beeeep*
"Huh?"
I point and say, "The cooler," and make a pantomime like I'm closing a door.
"Huh?"
*Beeeep Beeeep Beeeep*
He has yet to turn around and look at the cooler. He's just standing there staring at me with his mouth dangling open like a retard.
"Shut the ice cream cooler."
"Whuh?"
"The ice cream cooler! (point point point) "Shut the ice cream cooler!"
*Beeeep Beeeep Beeeep*
"Uhhhhh....... Huh?"
"LOOK!" (point point point followed by a downward-finger-in-a-circle "turn around" motion followed by another couple of points) "THE ICE CREAM COOLER IS OPEN! SHUT THE ICE CREAM COOLER!"
*Beeeep Beeeep Beeeep*
"...... Whuh?" *Stare Stare*
Then I walk all the way across the cafe and shut the shit myself.
*Beeeep Beeee-CLUNK*
"Oh."
Christians in the United States who try, even jokingly, to play the "religious persecution" card. Uhhhh... Blow it out your asses. You live in a country where 80% of the people are the same religion as you, where churches pay no taxes, where the President, Vice President, most people in congress, most state governors, etc. etc. are professed Christians, and many of them are trying as hard as they can to blur the line between church and state. If you think Christians have it rough in this country, who the fuck do you think has the upper hand, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Atheists? Look, not being able to put a nativity scene on the front lawn of your state capital is not religious persecution. If you want to see what religious persecution looks like, go to Afghanistan and try to convert some people to Christianity. When they're about to chop your head off, you'll wonder why you made such a fuss when they took the Ten Commandments out of that courthouse. Seriously, Christians have it better than any other group in this country. If you fail to see that, that's your fault, so don't try to act like Christians have it so rough in America. Seriously give me a fucking break.
By the way, about that courthouse with the Ten Commandments thing -- If you fund the courthouse with state or federal money, you can't put the fucking Ten Commandments in there UNLESS you allow all belief systems to put their shit in there too. So you can keep your Ten Commandments in there as long as atheists can put up a marble sculpture just as big of a man pointing and laughing at the Ten Commandments sculpture with the inscription: "Religion is for the weak minded."
The fact that when I go out shopping for ANYTHING specifically, nobody fucking has what I want, regardless of what it is. Yesterday I decided it was time to get a new floor mat for my office chair. I looked on Vindigo to see where the nearest office supply place was. I saw "Staples Superstore" and was sure that they would have what I wanted. I got on the train, made a transfer to another train, got off, walked a few blocks, then arrived at Staples. I looked around and around and they didn't really have anything as far as office furnishings except for two chairs and some lamps. So I go to the stock guy and ask if they have any mats for office chairs. He looks really confused.
"The hard clear plastic kind...."
*stare stare*
"You know, you put it on top of carpet so you can roll the office chair...."
*stare stare*
"Usually they have like little nubs on the bottom so they grip the carpet......"
*stare stare* "I thhhhhhink we can order that for you."
Well fuck. If I wanted to order it, I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE MADE THE TRIP. I would have just ordered the shit myself instead of coming all the way out here hoping to buy it and carry it home. So I look at Vindigo again to see what NON-STAPLES office supply places were around. I look down the list and come to Office Depot. I walk a few blocks to the train station, catch a train, get off, walk a few blocks, then I look at the street signs because I don't see the Office Depot sign. I look at Vindigo again and it says the Office Depot is at 3rd and Broadway. I look at the street sign -- 3rd Street... and I'm on Broadway... then I see an EMPTY STOREFRONT with a "For Lease" sign. Yes, the Office Depot is GONE. So I look down the list on Vindigo again... Staples... Staples... Staples....uhhh... Staplestaplestaplesstaples...Place I've never heard of.... Staples... Staples.... Another place I've never heard of... At that point I got a beer and a burrito and went home to my cracked chair mat.
People who are stressed at work and need help, so you voluntarily go out of your way to help them and they accept your help. Then midway through they start taking their stress out on you, yelling at you and whatnot. Uhhh... DROWN next time, idiot. See if I ever offer to help again.
People who hear some term that has already become cliche, and think it's really clever and fresh so they use it every chance they get like it's novel. "Uh-oh. Check that guy out. Is your GAY-DAR beeping? Beep-beep-beep! Heh. Gay-dar, like radar for gays, get it?"
Automated doors on things like elevators that act like they're keeping you in suspense. The elevator approaches the floor, it slows down, the number on the display changes to your floor, the elevator stops, the little bell dings, then...................................... the door opens. FUCK YOU, OTIS! I HAVE SHIT TO DO! SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT!
Webcams. There is one and only one real function for webcams: Broadcasting live images of tits and genitals. That's it. If you're one of these people who say "I have a webcam and I don't get naked on it," well I'm sorry to say... you're using your webcam incorrectly. On one hand are people who get naked on webcams. About 98% of this group are people that nobody wants to see naked ever. This 98% is watched by pathetic people who are just happy that someone is getting naked for them without them having to tip or buy the three drink minimum. The two percent that are actually attractive and get naked are basically insecurity freaks who will go into a hardcore binge-purge cycle if people don't tell them they're pretty on an every 15 second basis. Then there are people who have webcams who don't get naked who broadcast boring-as-fuck hours and hours of them sitting there looking at the computer. Occasionally they will adjust the webcam or make a dumb face at it or show you some piece of brick-a-brack they have in their room. This second group can be divided into two subsets: cameras that nobody watches and cameras that are watched by people who are hoping and praying that they decide to get naked. If you have a webcam and broadcast while wearing clothes and people actually watch, just know that most of them are getting sore from keeping it hard waiting for you to show some skin so they can finally bust their loads. If this concept makes you feel dirty, then you're finally starting to grasp what webcams are all about.
Americans who play Final Fantasy Online who say "w." W is sort of the Japanese equivalent of "lol" and a large majority of Japanese players who play this game say "w" a lot. General party chat if you land in a mostly JP party will look something like this.
Player1>> &(*&^#%#$@@$#@w
Player2>> $&*^&#)(*$)(@*@@^(*@&@w
RetardedAmerican>> w
Player1>> @%$@#@#@*(&#$&^*$w (Translation: "This retarded American is pretending he knows what the fuck we're talking about lol!")
I hate to be the one to break it to you assholes, but uh... YOU AREN'T JAPANESE, and saying "w" will not make you Japanese.
Outdated or religiously motivated sex education in public schools. Look. It would be nice if there was no such things as AIDS or teen pregnancy, but there are, and having public schools telling teenagers to entirely abstain from sex until marriage is not only unrealistic, but promotes religion in school. Marriage is a religious institution. Promoting religious institutions and remaining virgins until you enter into them is not the business of a public school, and is NOT what we should be spending our tax dollars or children's time in school promoting. If you want to teach abstinence in church, by all means, knock yourselves out. If you want to prevent AIDS and teen pregnancy, you NEED to teach teenagers how to have safe sex, and blow that myth about the unreliability of condoms out your asses. To hear these abstinence-only creatures talk about condoms, you would think they were made out of tissue paper and had a majority failure rate. Can condoms break? Yes. Do they break easily? No. Are teenagers going to experiment with sex, regardless of their professed religious beliefs? Almost certainly. Is it safer to use condoms than prayer? YES. These people get SO offended when they hear about teenagers being asked to put condoms on bananas to learn how to properly use a condom. It's far better that kids get to giggle a little in their third period class for one day than spend the next couple of decades raising a kid that they didn't want because instead of learning how to use condoms correctly ahead of time, they were forced to try to figure out how to use them on their own the minute before it became imperative to use them proprerly. Also, if teenagers are going to pledge abstinence, it's highly unlikely that they're going to actually stock up.
Isn't it time to just say fuck Texas altogether? Every single time I hear news of something going on in Texas, it's something idiotic. Here's an example. In Texas, public intoxication is illegal. Generally in most states it's illegal, but they aren't going to fuck with you unless you're being disorderly or belligerent on a public street or something. In Texas, on the other hand, they now send undercover agents INTO BARS to arrest people for being drunk. That's right, it is apparently ILLEGAL TO DRINK IN BARS in Texas. IT'S A FUCKING BAR, ASSHOLES! PEOPLE GET DRUNK THERE! THAT'S WHY BARS EXIST! I guess speeding tickets just aren't raising enough money so they're going to stupid lengths to get into people's pockets. http://www.nbc5i.com/news/8034788/detail.html
People who think that all porn is perverted and that only a select handful of the filthiest and most deviant perverts look at it, and they can't imagine that anyone they know or respect personally would lower themselves to looking at porn.
People who realize that it's grammatically incorrect to use "your" to mean "you are" so they start using "you're" to mean "you are".... and to mean "belonging to you."
These idiots who call in to radio call-in shows with their radios on in the background. I know the hosts of these shows have to get sick of explaining this ten times on every show, and you would think that people who frequently listen to these shows would be completely familiar with the idea that you can't have your radio on while you're on the call. Then after they're asked to turn off their radios, they always try to pretend they did it, and the DJ, who is probably getting some kind of horrible feedback in his headphones, knows damn well they didn't turn their shit off.
"Welcome to Tardtalk, you're on the air."
"Hello from Spokane, Washington, this is Dave. I just wanted to say that--"
"Sorry to cut in, but do you have your radio on in the background? Would you mind turning that off for a minute?"
"Huh? Oh, okay.... So I have a question for your guest. I was wondering---"
"Excuse me, Dave... You have your radio on in the background. Would you please turn it off or we're going to have to drop the call."
"Huh? Okay.... Okay, so I just wanted to ask your guest about--"
"Annnnd... Okayyyyy (click) Sorry, Dave."
THIS.
The way when something horrible happens, like Columbine, there is this huge hype to examine society as a whole to figure out what went wrong. Here's something that people need to learn to accept: THERE ARE FUCKED UP PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO WILL DO HORRIBLE THINGS AND YOU CAN'T STOP THEM BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO DO UNTIL THEY DO IT. Youth at large is not directly responsible for the killing at Columbine. The media is not directly responsible for the killing at Columbine. The gun industry is not directly responsible for the killing at Columbine. What then is directly responsible? Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. That's it. Mystery solved. What could have prevented the shooting at Columbine? Censoring the media? Making guns harder to get? Having more school security? Implementing counselling programs in school to prevent violence? Wrong, wrong, wrong. What could have prevented the killings? Stopping Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. If they didn't tell anyone what they were going to do and the Columbine police department doesn't have psychics working for them, there is practically no way it could have been prevented. There are things that might have hindered them, but if they really wanted to get the job done, there's really nothing anyone could do to stop them unless they caught them, which is improbable unless they were dumb enough to brag ahead of time or "OOPS, sorry, my Mac-10 fell out of my bookbag." I know it seems like a cop-out to play the "Shit happens" card, but it's a sad fact that this incident falls under the "Shit happens" category and no amount of examining our culture as a whole would have prevented it.
Out-of-place idiots. The other day I bought Oblivion for PC at Electronics Boutique. The guy at the counter was like "So you like RPG games, huh. That's like that Everquest game. They call that game Evercrack, y'know (dumb laugh). I hear people lose their jobs over that game." Hey, ASS. You work in a VIDEO GAME STORE. Chill on the "videogames are for losers" trip, okay?
Amazing AI hyped in videogames. Yes, they have come a long way since Doom's "GRRRR! A SPACEMARINE! RUN STRAIGHT AT HIM!" AI, but how farout is the AI now? Practically every videogame now has some mention of their radically improved AI and practically all of them now just have some variation of "GRRRR! A SPACEMARINE! SHOOT AT HIM FROM BEHIND COVER AND OCCASIONALLY DODGE PROJECTILE ATTACKS!" Big deal.
Forum search engines that don't even fucking work. They will have the usual search box where you enter in text and a button that says "Find." You type in something that you KNOW is all over the forums, and it can't find a damn thing. Like, you'll go to The Hammer Forum: a forum dedicated to carpenters and everything you could ever want to know about all different kinds of hammers. You type in "hammer" and hit "Find." Then you get an error message: "An error occurred. Search returned no matching entries." Then you actually look at the forum and there are 8 threads with "hammer" right in the fucking topic on the first page alone.
Guys who are really into big tits, the bigger the better, to the extent that they don't even care what kind of manatee they're attached to.
Liberals who take a problem like how bad our schools are and think that the solution is to simply pay teachers more, basically throwing money at the problem and hoping it goes away.
and
Conservatives who take a problem like how bad our schools are and don't really think of a solution, and don't really hope it goes away, and definitely don't throw a single dime at it, but instead do things like spending a shit-ton of money on a foreign war of aggression so liberals freak the fuck out and forget all about how bad our schools are. Then when liberals are totally exacerbated from bitching about the war, conservatives intentionally make the schools even worse by trying to replace evolution with creationism in science classes. Intelligent Design my ass. More like Designed to Make Kids Less Intelligent. "We ain't teaching creationism in school! We're teaching there-had-to-be-some-sort-of-god-to-create-the-universe-ism, which is TOTALLY DIFFERENT. Y'all believe in fish with legs. We believe in snakes that talk, and BY GOD, OUR KIDS ARE GONNA BELIEVE IN TALKIN' SNAKES TOO!"
Girls who hear that guys like big asses, who then think they're goddesses because they have gigantic asses. Let me explain something. When guys say they like big asses, they're talking about asses like Vida Gurerra's, Shakira's, Beyonce's, Jennifer Lopez'. These girls have asses that are smooth and have a nice bubble shape, something to smack and squeeze a little. How can you look at your own ass, that's shaped like a bean bag chair and think "ALRIGHT! I GOT A NICE BIG ASS!" Look. There's a lot of grey area between "cute little bubble" and "sofa cushion filled with cauliflower." Yes, I am aware that there is a subset of guys who are really into giant fat jiggly cellulite asses. There is a name for these guys: "Desperate."
Parents who refuse to own up to any cause of childhood trauma. Like, your mother would have done something that you vividly remember, that you still feel shitty about or that maybe even permanently altered your personality or your opinion of her, and when you bring it up in conversation, she denies that it ever happened.
"Hey, Mom, remember when I was in seventh grade and I wanted some Air Jordans really bad, but you refused to buy them and instead compromised by buying those cheap knock-off Air Jordans that had some weird lines instead of the Nike swoosh, and I didn't want to wear them but you made me because you bought them, and I went to school and all the kids laughed at me and called me Air Gordon and hit me?"
"I remember you wanted Air Jordans, but we bought them for you."
"No you didn't."
"Well you had some."
"I bought a pair for myself with my birthday money. In fact I remember you grounded me for 'wasting' my birthday money and riding my bike to the mall to get them."
"The blue and black ones?"
"Yeah, I bought those. The knock-offs you bought me were red white and black."
"No, we bought the blue and black ones. I don't know what you're talking about. We never bought you any off-brand Air Jordans, and I seriously doubt we grounded you for buying shoes."
People in foodservice who are made to wear plastic gloves by their bosses, who think that it's perfectly acceptable to punch in, put on a pair of gloves, and then wear that same pair of gloves until they punch out. Uhh... what's the fucking point? You have dirty gloves instead of dirty hands. Same shit.
One-Hit-Wonders with Greatest Hits albums. Quick! Name any song by the Sugar Hill Gang OTHER than "Rapper's Delight." Yeah, apparently they made other music, and 10 tracks of it ended up on a Greatest Hits album.
We've all seen plenty of videos online of people skateboarding or skydiving or "pwning" some videogame. Would it be too much to ask to use a song that was NOT on a Matrix soundtrack and that was NOT written by Linkin Park, Korn or Evanescence as the background music? Also, I'd like to take this time to let you in on a little secret. "Down with the Sickness" is a retarded song, and does not make your video of people falling and breaking their faces on rollerblades seem more hardcore, only more retarded. Here's another secret. When you're 16 and you fall and break your face on rollerblades (the semi equivalent of a Pogo-Ball that didn't go out of fashion as quickly), you think you're hardcore. When you're 30 you will just wish that your front teeth were real as you take them out and put them in a glass next to your bed at night.
Another one from the Total Moron Department: People who can't comprehend extremely basic concepts of commerce. There is this deli that I go to that has a salad bar where you serve yourself and then the clerk weighs it and charges you by weight. I had THOUGHT that everyone had seen this shit and understood this concept. Apparently I was wrong. As I stood behind this lady in a business suit, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The lady stood there with her salad in her hand staring at the clerk, who stood there staring back at her with his hand outstretched. She had no clue what he wanted.
"Ma'am? Could I weigh that?"
"What?"
"I need to weigh your salad?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I need to weigh it."
"Uh... okay," she says as she reluctantly hands the guy the salad. The guy weighs it and $4.55 pops up on the register display. "That's not right."
"Pardon?"
She points at the sign by the salad bar that says 35 cents per ounce. "The sign said 35 cents."
"35 cents per ounce."
She looks baffled and suspicious. "But... Where did you get 4.55?"
"That's what the scale says."
"Well I'm going to put this back."
"You can't. You already mixed everything up and put dressing on it and stuff."
"But... $4.55? Are you sure?"
"Yes, Ma'am. The salad is charged by weight. It's 35 cents per ounce, $5.60 per pound."
"$5.60 for a salad?"
"Well... if you put a pound of stuff in there. If you get less it's less. If you get more it's more."
"This is wrong."
"Pardon?"
"How can you put a sign up there that says 35 cents and then charge me $5.60?"
"$4.55."
"Still! That's false advertising! It's like you're just making the price up. You can't just charge whatever you feel like."
"Well if you look, it says right on the sign 'per ounce.'"
"Whatever," she says as she angrily gives the guy the money.
Personal ads that feature the person's kids as much as they feature the person who posted the ad. Yeah, yeah. You're family oriented.... NNNNNNNEXT Seriously though, in almost all occasions, children are a liability to you having a happy dating life, not an asset. If I make a personal ad, I'm not going to put the main focus on my gut, my receding hairline and my cluttered apartment. Use some common sense.
People who get up at fucking 5am who think it's perfectly normal and acceptable to call you before 7am to tell you something they could just as easily tell you at 10am.
TIRED PLOT CONCEPTS IN VIDEOGAMES
"Hey! A Tram. This will take us exactly where we want to go IF you can figure out a way to rotate it in the proper direction."
"Hi. I'm your friendly neighborhood mission critical NPC. Only I can activate the doo-hickey, which is just a button. Escort my very lightly armored helpless self through a huge gauntlet of assholes with rocket launchers, but don't let me die or you'll have to start all over."
"Congratulations. You have just acquired the first crystal / talisman / triforce / etc. Now you must get the other (number greater than 4)."
"Oh no! The villains just captured your vague love interest. This vague love interest, of course, knows something or has some special ability that the villain needs to win. What ever shall you do?"
"Wow! This room sure has a lot of enemies in it. Good thing they were nice enough to store a barrel of fuel / toxic sludge right in the middle of the room which will explode if one or two bullets hit it."
"Oh no! The villain has done something time-critical, like initiating the launch sequence on a nuclear missile, and you need to stop it from launching. Please feel free to explore, take your time, go afk for a while, come back, smash some boxes, try to see if you can jump up on top of that ledge.... no hurry. It's not like it will actually launch, unless having it launch is part of the story line, and even then it will launch only when you pass a certain point in the map."
"Boy. It sure is a shame that this room on your path through the enemy base is full of lava / toxic sludge / electricity. I wonder if there is a vent around here that you could crawl through to get you to a bridge control / drain valve / electric breaker."
And, of course, the inverse,
"We need to blow up the reactor. I wonder if there is a switch nearby that CONVENIENTLY will overload the reactor with the push of one button and the reactor, of course, has no sort of failsafe emergency shutdown."
"Holy shit! It's a giant enemy that kills you in one or two shots and is totally invulnerable to your weapons. I wonder if there is some switch nearby that will activate a giant laser / flame thing / electric discharge / acid valve that will kill the monster."
"I'm an exiled princess determined to regain my throne. You're a scruffy, vulgar thief with a mysterious past who seems to be uncannily skilled. You don't suppose... we might be... related?"
"You need to activate the generator. This, of course, requires you to go to 3-5 different areas that are all far apart and loaded with enemies. What, you think people design generators that can be activated from one location?"
"HA-HAAA We have captured you and taken all your weapons! Surely you won't figure out a way to escape your cell or take the gun in the next room."
"Hmmmm... There doesn't seem to be any way to get past. I wonder if that conveniently located crane has anything to do with remedying this situation."
"Oh no! There's a helicopter trying to kill me. Well look at that! As fate would have it, someone just happened to drop a rocket launcher right here."
"Hey! It's a really big, empty, square arena-like room with no cover with ammo and health pickups scattered around. Surely there won't be some huge enemy that appears and starts kicking ass or anything."
"Hey! It's a giant cache of weapons, ammo, armor and health packs... Gee, I wonder if I'm going to have to fight a boss or huge horde of monsters as soon as I grab it and go through that door."
"This big platform-like elevator sure is going slowly. Surely things aren't going to attack me while I'm on it or anything."
"Check out my awesome gold sword! It's awesome because gold is a soft, heavy-as-fuck metal, and that's great for making melee weapons out of. Nevermind the fact that I will hardly be able to lift it and it will be dull as soon as I hit something."
"Welcome to our totally original RPG. There are several totally original races to choose from. You can play as a huge hulking guy who is really strong and durable but sucks at any kind of magic, the diminutive cute race that excels at magic but sucks at melee, the ancient race that once ruled this land but is now diminished that's pretty good at everything, the race modeled after an animal that's nimble and quick that makes an excellent rogue type character, or you can play as a human which is sort of an in-between non-specialized race."
"Wow! As it turns out, we are actually standing on top of the remains of an ancient civilization that was actually much more advanced than our own, that was ruined thousands of years ago by some cataclysmic force. Surely we won't have to fight the thing that destroyed their whole civilization and win with a simple rocket launcher."
"Gee. I wonder why my really awesome weapons aren't doing any damage to this boss. I wonder if maybe the only weapon that hurts him is that weapon that I never use because it's a completely useless piece of shit."
"I know I've been helping you kill shit for the last 10 minutes and am an extremely useful NPC to have around, as I can provide you with ammo, health packs and armor repair, but I have my orders to stay here and guard this bridge / door / switch / etc."
"SURPRISE! I am the main villain who has been pretending to be on your side all this time, even though I was just using you to bring on some horrible... uhh... stuff! You should have been able to guess that I was the villain from the start because I am a wealthy corporate CEO!"
"GRRR! I am the big mean boss guy! We just fought and you got my health bar to the bottom. You may think you've won, but now you get to fight my considerably more offensive second form!"
Subhumans that say "should of, would of," etc. as in "Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn't of dropped out of school in the third grade."
People who have more email addresses than they have friends.
Things advertised as "Genuine" when the thing that they "Genuinely" are is absolutely unimpressive. "Genuine Idaho Potatoes." "Genuine Wisconsin Cheddar." "Miller Genuine Draft." "Genuine GM Parts." Who cares? Allow me to show my genuine lack of giving a shit.
Women with hair-trigger maternal instincts that outweigh any kind of common sense. You're dating some girl for a month or two, you're both starting to feel comfortable with each other, then some synapse misfires and she blurts out, "LET'S HAVE A BABY!" I have a better idea. How about I go home and stop returning your phone calls. Do these women seriously not realize that planning a family after two months of dating hits an 8.5 on the What-the-fuck-o-meter? Seriously, control yourselves.
Animated skeletons in videogames. Seriously... You're making a videogame. All of the management and developers are talking over the boardroom table about what elements to put in the game. Someone says, "Well, it goes without saying that we'll have skeleton warriors." That's when you say, "Hasn't that been done enough? Seriously, can't we think of anything more creative?" You will get a raise, I guarantee it.
People who mispronounce fairly common words. Look, "Melee" is correctly pronounced "MAY-lay, may-LAY or meh-LAY," not "MEE-LEE." Also, "Cache" is pronounced "Cash," not "CashAY." The E is silent... like you should be.
Cats' natural instinct to seek out a carpet when they have to puke. I have one rug in my apartment. The rest of the apartment has nice EASY TO CLEAN hardwood floors, except the bathroom which has nice EASY TO CLEAN tiles and the kitchen which has nice EASY TO CLEAN linoleum. When my cat decides it's time to puke, where do you think she runs.
Those retarded "Two crazy guys" radio shows. Bob and Tom, Opie and Anthony, First name and First name. Who gives a shit? These shows are never funny except to the lowest common denominator who will laugh out loud at the mere mention of the word "titty." Here's a guide on how to create one of these shows. First, you find two idiots with really obnoxious laughs who cackle hysterically at ANYTHING. Recruitment of these idiots is easy. Simply go to any sports bar you want and listen for that one asshole whose idiotic laugh can be heard over every other sound in the room. They should also never be photographed without wearing baseball hats. This is to conseal the tubes and wires that go into their brains to make them laugh everytime someone pushes the "laugh" button. Then you get some redneck comedian a-la Larry the Cable Guy, Jeff Foxworthy etc. who plays songs primarily about farting and titties. The two idiots will then laugh at the songs like "HYAH HYAH HYAH HYAH HYAH." In between songs, all you need to do is find recent "News of the Weird" articles and read them aloud on the air. The two retards will then react in a predictably immature manner with asinine commentary which will lead into more "HYAH HYAH HYAH HYAH" cackling as they laugh at their own retarded jokes at which even Carrot Top would shake his head in disappointment. This goes on for two-plus hours 5 days a week.
I have had a regular alarm clock for a long time, and recently it has stopped being able to wake me up. I sleep right through it. So I decided that I needed something louder and bought a clock radio. When I set it up, I looked for some non-retarded channel that I could halfway tolerate being shaken out of bed by at 5am so I wouldn't be cursing at some rap or pop shit at that moment when it startles me awake and I want to die just so I can rest some more. I found some rock station and figured I was fine. At the time I set the clock it was playing Pink Floyd, so I figured it would be playing something similar in the morning that I could handle. What did I awaken to? "HYAH HYAH HYAH HYAH HYAH!!!" FUCK YOU! Of course, I'm captain snooze alarm, so every nine minutes I get to hear the most inane bullshit, even below the usual crappy standard. Seriously, these people are idiots. 5:00am: "So yeah, the new season of survivor looks like it's gonna be awesome!" SLAP! 5:09: "This morning my dog decided it was going to chew up my floorboards." SLAP! 5:18: "HYAH HYAH HYAH" SLAP! 5:27: Boy, I don't know what I'd do without my coffee." SLAP! 5:36: "That's a shame about that Crocodile Hunter guy." Seriously, they don't even fucking talk about ANYTHING but bullshit. It's a guy and a girl and it's like they're just hanging out and talking, but with mics in front of them, and neither of them are the least bit funny or smart. 90% of what they talk about is just some shit they saw on TV the night before, and it makes me that much angrier to be awake.
Opie and Anthony can eat my ass. Say what you will about them getting banned from radio, I think they shouldn't have been on the radio in the first place just because of quality control. Free Speech is Free Speech. What does having two people fucking in public in St. Patricks Cathedral have to do with Free Speech? I think Catholicism is stupid too, but when you run a radio show on a huge corporate radio station, and you send two people to fuck in public in probably the most famous church in North America, all you're asking for is to get fired. It's basically like showing up to your monday strategy meeting at work, and when the CEO starts talking, you stand up, take off your jacket to reveal a t-shirt with "PLEASE FIRE ME" written on it in pig's blood, turn around, pull down your pants, and take a giant shit on top of the boardroom table. Sure, you made your point, but you're also going to be out of work. Boy, that sure was daring of them to do that.... oh wait.... sorry, I meant retarded.
I know this sounds strange coming from king grammar police himself, but if someone posts on a forum or elsewhere and makes valid, logical arguments, and in fact pretty much kicks your ass and makes you look totally wrong, you should be able to come up with a more intelligent response than, "Ever hear of paragraphs? LOL Wall of text!"
Even More Germ Freaks. At the cafeteria at my job, they have all the grill and whatnot right behind the line so customers can see the people making their food. I have this guy who does fries. At the time he was not wearing gloves, but I didn't think it was a big deal, because not only does he frequently wash his hands, he dumps the frozen fries in the deep fryer straight from the bag, then scoops the cooked fries into a pan and then puts them into the fry cups with tongs so there's practically no contact with food. I was there and he was dumping the frozen fries in the deep fryer, and one fry fell out onto the countertop, which is also clean. He casually picked up the fry with his fingers and tossed it into the grease.
Just then I heard this girl who was waiting in line go "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
"What's wrong?"
"He touched the fries with his hands."
"So... What's wrong with that?"
"He's not wearing gloves or anything."
"So.... He had the single fry between his two fingers for less than a second, and then tossed it into 380 degree grease..."
"Yeah, but still!"
"Anything that he could have possibly transferred to that fry was killed the instant it hit the grease, and it's going to stay submerged in that grease for five minutes. You realize dishwashers don't even get up to half the temperature of that grease, right?"
"Whatever! That's gross. He's not supposed to be touching it with his hands. You know I'm right."
You know... In a way I wish she was right. I wish that someone would touch her food and give her a horrible infection that kills her after several years of weeping sores all over her body, severe vomitting and rectal bleeding.
Music videos that have a band... on a stage.... or in a studio.... playing a song... and that's it. Wow. Thanks for going all out and getting really creative, guys. I never could have imagined what you guys would look like playing a song. Double bonus points if you include shots of the band hanging out or sleeping on the tour bus, or if you're really creative you can show them tuning their instruments or practicing before the show / recording, because that's fucking farout.
Those stupid Flash animations, videos and webpages with that stupid screaming "scare" thing. That was funny... ONCE... like two years ago when it came out. Now it's fucking tired and boring. They will have some peaceful scene, maybe with soft music, maybe a picture of some hot chick, or maybe a normal looking room where you're supposed to find something wrong, and then SCREEEEEE!!!! someone in black and white flashes on the screen looking all spooky or whatever. It's gotten to be so pathetically predictable. "Find what's wrong in this picture." "Listen for the hidden message in this really really quiet song." Lame. You can see the shit coming a mile away, then at like the 90% point, the outcome is the same. SCREEEEEE!!!!! Oh, boy. You got me. Good thing I don't have a heart condition. Whatever. It's gotten to the point where whenever something on the internet looks too peaceful or has music that is recorded a little too low, you KNOW that the scare thing is about to happen, and then it does, and you weren't the least bit scared because you knew what was going to happen. Seriously. This trick only works on people who have never seen it, which means, since everyone in the civilized world is tired of it, the only people this will still work on live in primitive villages deep in the wilderness where dirt roads don't even go, and if you showed it to them they would probably just cut your head off. That shit isn't even the slightest bit scary, or ironic, or humorous anymore. So, if it's not scary, funny or ironic.... STOP MAKING THEM.
And what's better than a scare video? THE FLOOD OF VIDEOS OF PEOPLE GETTING SCARED THAT COMES A FEW DAYS LATER. People set up their friends (who have presumably either smoked a lot of pot and are suffering from memory loss or just got released from prison where they couldn't have seen any other scare videos) and watch them get scared. "Hey look. It's a guy in a chair watching that scare video I saw last week. I bet he jumps and/or screams, then laughs with his friends who set him up. Oh - there's the jump, there's the scream, there's the laughing. Boy I sure am glad I watched that."
Well-Researched Idiots. Today this guy came up to me at work complaining that he had spent too much money on an item and wanted it corrected. The price he purchased it for was clearly marked and it wasn't an accident that we priced it that way. Basically the item sells really well and we need money, and if we price it high, sales seem unaffected, so fuck it. Have some movie theatre snack prices, suckers. Also keep in mind this is New York City, home of 8 dollar beers, 40 dollar a day parking and 2000 a month studio apartments.
"I bought a large bag of Terra Chips from your kiosk for $6.00 last week."
"Okay..."
"So.... That's crazy."
"Well... You didn't HAVE to buy it."
"I went on their website and the suggested retail price of that package is $2.99."
"Okay...."
"So what are you going to do for me?"
"You knew the chips were overpriced when you bought them, right?"
"Yeah."
"And you bought them anyway."
"But the suggested retail price is $2.99."
"But nobody MADE you buy it. You knew the price was high, but you chose to buy them despite the high price.... (guy stares at me obstinately) It's not like we misrepresented how much we would charge you for the chips.... So.... what do you want us to do about it?"
Seriously though, I know 6 bucks is an absurd price to pay for chips, but they fly out the door so fast we run out of stock, so fuck this guy. If we priced them at 50 bucks a bag, what would he do, buy them, eat them, and then come back with some information he got off their website, bitching that we need to refund his money? I mean, if this guy is smart enough and has the WILL to go on the internet and look up the suggested retail price of a bag of chips, then WHY THE FUCK IS HE TOO STUPID to pick up the bag of chips, read the 6 dollar price tag, and think, "No. That is too much to pay for chips. I will not buy this."? Does he have no control? Does money just leap out of his wallet and into people's hands? "OH FUCK! I bought another ten cases of Dom Perignon! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME? DAMN! I just bought a Ferrari! SOMEBODY MAKE ME STOP!"
Hmm... What was that expression about "A Fool and his Money" again?
The thing in RPG games where NPC's stand there doing nothing in the exact same spot 24 hours a day. I mean, I know it would be more difficult to program them so they walk around or go to different areas of towns, or even something as simple as having them there only at certain times, but it seems silly to have some little old lady standing next to a gate so she can say, "Things sure were different before the war. I wonder if the road will ever be fully restored," whether it's Tuesday at 4 in the afternoon or Saturday at 3:15 in the morning, rain or shine.
An update for the above. I recently got the game Oblivion and NPC's wander all over the place. They wander all over towns, interact with each other, occasionally leave town and wander around in the woods. This would be great except for one thing. THE NPC's are too stupid to live. The first time I found this was when I was going to buy a house in the town of Skingrad. I needed to talk to this guy and there was a quest arrow pointing at where he was. He was SUPPOSED to be in the castle but I followed the arrow.... to his DEAD BODY. He had apparently wandered off this high bridge and died. Later I was out in the wilderness and found the Countess of Leyawiin, who is also an important player in several quests, getting her ass kicked by a spriggan. NPC's fall in holes, drown in ponds, get in fights to the death with each other... it's weird. It's often funny, but with the frequency of NPC's getting killed, I have a feeling that after a while of playing, I'm going to have to use the console to respawn someone for just about every quest I do.
Motion sensing devices that are extremely sensitive... except when they are actually supposed to activate. You walk into a public restroom and the toilet flushes and the paper towel dispenser starts spitting out towels. You walk into the stall, pull down your pants, sit down, and the toilet flushes again. You do your business and stand up, expecting the toilet to flush. It doesn't. Then you walk over to the sink to wash your hands. As soon as you walk within a 6 foot radius of the towel dispenser it rolls out some more towel. You rip the towel off and wipe your hands, but they aren't fully dry (because no automated paper towel dispenser on the planet will give you enough towel to actually get your hands dry on the first try), so you wave your hand in front of the dispenser. Nothing happens. Then, inexplicably, the toilet flushes. You continue waving your hand in front of the towel dispenser for a few seconds before giving up. As you open the restroom door to leave, the towel dispenser kicks in and the toilet flushes.
The way it's really hard to find good anime to watch because 2% of it is really good and 98% of it is complete dogshit and almost all anime review sites are made by pathetic fan-boys who think that 98% of all anime is amazing and the other 2% is pretty damn good.
People who know where something is, but give you completely retarded directions.
"Do we have any coffee cups?"
"Yeah, they're in the storeroom."
I look in the storeroom and don't see them. "Where in the storeroom?"
"They're just inside the door."
I look all around within a few paces from the door and don't see them. "I don't see them."
"Okay, go in and look to your left. They are on a shelf that's at eye level next to the plastic forks and spoons and stuff."
Once again I walk into the storeroom. I stop a few feet inside the door and look to my left. The only thing on the shelf are reams of printer paper - no cups, no forks, no spoons. I look on the shelves above and below in case the cups are in a slightly different location, but don't see them. So I walk back out like a moron and ask AGAIN.
"*Sigh*... C'mere, I'll show you." They walk into the storeroom and keep walking after they get inside the door. They walk about 15 feet into the storeroom and make a right and walk down an aisle for another 15 feet and grab a big box that's on a shelf about 7 feet up to the right, and nowhere near any forks or spoons." There ya go." (Said with a "You're a blind idiot" tone).
Bosses in first person shooter games that are apparently just people, just like all those guards you mowed down with a couple of bullets each, and despite the fact that they don't seem to be wearing any particularly elaborate armor, they can take hundreds of bullets, plasma blasts, rockets, grenades, and nuclear explosions directly in the face and keep coming back for more.
People who bitch and want you to place a service call when something is performing exactly as it was designed to.
"We need someone to come look at this coffee machine."
"What's wrong with it?"
"It's SO slow. Like, the coffee just kinda dribbles out really slowly. I think it's clogged or something."
"Clogged?"
"Well make a pot and look."
I make a pot of coffee and nothing seems unusual.
"See?"
"See what? That's what it does."
"No way is it supposed to be that slow."
"Well what do you expect? That's how it works."
"No way. I should be able to put in the grounds, push the button and BANG! Pot of coffee."
"But it doesn't work like that. You put the grounds in, push the button and water squirts into the funnel and gravity makes the water seep through the grounds and filter and into the pot. It's not going to SHOOT into the pot at turbo speed."
"So you're not going to call the repairman?"
"Uh, well, considering that getting the repairman here costs us 125 bucks and there's absolutely nothing wrong with this coffee machine, uh, NO, I'm not going to call the repairman."
People who bring back food from the local Sketchy Kitchen takeout restaurant in those little foil dishes with the paper covers and then insist that you eat some because they bought plenty.
"Gee.... thanks for the uhh.... what is this?"
They stare at it for a disturbingly long time. "Uhhhh..... That's pork."
"What about the orange chunk thing?"
They stare at it even longer. "Uhhhh.... It's GOOD. Eat it."
On the outside you're saying, "Mmmmmm! Thanks!" but on the inside you're saying, "Aaaaaaaahhh! I can feel myself getting trichinosis right now!"
People who STILL go on about how Sean Connery, Robert Redford and Paul Newman are sexy. Uh... NO. THEY ARE NOT. They WERE, but WERE and ARE are two different fucking things, and Clint Eastwood never fucking was, and remains NOT. I don't give a shit what he directed, he looks like he died 15 years ago and his undead corpse is still walking around directing shit.
People who do something half-assed and then refuse to fix it because they "did it already."
"Dave, I asked you to sweep the floor earlier."
"I did."
"Really? It doesn't look like it."
"Well I did it."
"Look at this floor. There is no way any sane person would look at this floor and think that someone had swept it."
"Oh well."
"Well I need you to sweep it again, because it looks really bad."
"Pffff. So how many times do you expect me to sweep the floor? I told you I did it already."
"I expect you to sweep the floor as many times as it takes to make it look like you did it once properly."
Videogames with Save Points. Look. The only thing more infuriating than losing to your cheap-ass boss characters is losing, then restoring your game, then working your way to a checkpoint where there's a cutscene, then clicking through the dialogue, then entering the fight again, losing, then restoring your game, then working your way to a checkpoint where there's a cutscene, then clicking through the dialogue..... Here's a novel idea. How about you let me save WHEN I FEEL LIKE FUCKING SAVING.
People who only think about how they are going to "make it" in life 100% of the time and think that people who actually kick back and stop worrying occasionally are lazy and without goals or direction.
Okay, listen up, retards. I'm sure you are well familiar with a preparation of food usually consisting of two slices of bread, meat, vegetables, cheese and maybe sauces or spreads. This is called a SANDWICH. That is the proper fucking name. There is an S, an A, an N, a D, a W, an I, a C and an H in this word in that order. You are not at liberty to ADD or SUBTRACT or REPLACE letters in this word or rearrange the order of the letters. Doing so stamps you as a moron for life and you should go take a long bath with cinder blocks on your chest. You might notice the absence of the letter M in this word. This is important to note, as there is no such thing in the universe as a SAMMICH or SAMWICH. These are imaginary things only known to idiots, and they do not exist in reality. Nor do SANWICHES. I've also never heard anyone ever mention building a SANG castle so I have have no fucking idea why I have heard people say the word SANGWICH, especially when I heard someone who worked at Burger King say it. Sandwiches are 99% of everything you fucking sell. How the fuck, when you are surrounded by sandwiches for eight hours a day, and say the word sandwich probably a couple hundred times a day, can you say fucking SANGWICH? Enjoy working at Burger King UNTIL YOU DIE, hopefully with your head dunked in the deep fryer. If you're six years old and say Samwich, you are off the hook because you have teeth missing and shit and are about as smart as a bar of soap, but if you're an adult and say it, please do us all a favor and stop being alive.
People who need glasses and actually OWN glasses, but never actually have them with them EVER. They constantly fuck shit up and then when you ask them why they're fucking up, "Oh, man. I can't make this out without my glasses." Here's a pretty simple solution. If you need your glasses to see shit, and your job kinda sorta requires you to see shit, WEAR YOUR FUCKING GLASSES. I mean, you're at home getting ready for work. You come to that point where you've showered and gotten dressed and you're gathering the shit you know you're going to need: wallet, keys, cell phone, company ID.... Don't you have the thought, "Hmmm. Yesterday sucked for some reason. I kept fucking up and the boss kept yelling at me because I couldn't see shit. How could I ensure that today I can see what the fuck I'm doing?"
People who keep aquariums that don't have a single living thing in them. Uh... NICE ILLUMINATED GLASS BOX OF WATER AND GRAVEL.
People who are as deaf as posts who have some stupid pride bullshit where they won't do anything about it even when their health insurance will pay for a hearing aid.
"The purveyor said we would get our paper supplies by Tuesday."
"Ok."
"Also, your sister has a hot ass and I like to spank it while I blow my yogurt in her honey pot."
"Yeah, ok. No problem. Thursday?"
"No, Tuesday."
"Ok."
Fucked up fetishes that are so stupid they could have only come from the internet. When I first saw the rather disturbingly large number of "Furry" sites on the internet, I thought, WOW! Now that's the dumbest thing I have ever seen. What bothers me more is that this was only the tip of the iceberg. Soon, with many thanks to Somethingawful's Awful Link of the Day, I came to find that there was no shortage of completely retarded fetishes to be laughed at. Today's Awful Link of the Day is for people who have a fetish for watching women stuck in quicksand..... WHY? HOW? There are guys who like to dress up as women, complete with woman MASKS, there are guys who like to dress up in clothes meant to resemble what might be found on little girl's toy dolls, erotic fan-fiction for just about every book, tv show, movie, and cartoon ever made, photoshopped shit with girls with multiple pairs of tits, and there are people who get off on the idea of BEING EATEN BY GIANTS. Only on the fucking internet could idiocy like this find a COMMUNITY. Get busted picking your nose at a traffic light? Don't worry, somewhere there's some freak sitting in his dark basement apartment busting a load RIGHT NOW to a slow motion closeup video of someone picking their nose, and he has lots of friends who like the same thing - thanks to the internet.
People who sporadically become anal retentive neat freaks for no apparent reason once in a while. They will be in a space they are in frequently, maybe an office or apartment, and the place really isn't any dustier or greasier or cluttered than it is on any other day, and some misfiring synapse causes them to stop what they're doing , look around, and go, "What the FUCK! This place is a filthy fucking pig sty!" Tuesday afternoon at 5:30pm as they leave work the place is perfectly fine. Wednesday morning at 9am the place is a disaster area. Nothing has moved an inch since they last saw it. Nothing is any dirtier than it was before, but now SOMETHING MUST BE DONE, and people around this neurotic idiot who don't immediately drop what they're doing and pitch in with the cleaning are lazy slobs who are to blame for the sorry state of the place. What's even worse is when this person has some actual authority such as a manager at work. "I know it's Friday afternoon at 4:45, but JUST LOOK AT THIS PLACE."
Assholes who go to a store and pay in cash, then after the cashier has rung them up, and they hand the cashier some money, they wait for the cashier to enter in the amount they gave them and THEN start digging for change to go "Oh wait a second. I think I have some change." Then they hand the cashier a couple of quaters, and the thing wasn't an even 50. The cashier has already dug half of your change out of the drawer, and now you're asking them to do math in their head with 800 people waiting behind you.
People with manufactured speech impediments. I work with this fucker who lisps severely all the time... except when they decide to stop. She apparently thinks is makes her sound cool or something, so listening to her speak sounds like a long string of "TH's" until she wants to be serious, and then she speaks perfectly clearly. Congratulations, you sound like a retard intentionally. I almost laughed out loud when she said "Pothtath Thtampthh" (Postage Stamps).
Here's one that I didn't know existed before a few weeks ago. Managers who schedule people for days off, who then hold a grudge against the person for actually taking those days off and not calling in to see how things are going, seeing if they are needed, etc. Uhh... When I'm off, I'm off. I don't show up at work on my day off JUST IN CASE. I don't call in to see if they need anything. That's what OFF means. It means you don't do work shit. It means you go somewhere other than work and think about shit other than work, and doing so DEFINITELY SHOULDN'T JEOPARDIZE YOUR JOB. "Take Thursday off." Then on Friday, "So what's it like to just sit around all day?"
People who hear some "advanced" or colorful word and use it EVERY chance they get to the extent that you know it's only a matter of time before they say it again. "Wait a second... Uh oh... He's got his finger to his chin looking thoughtful. Smart looking women around... It won't be long now. He's gonna say it, I just know it..... HAAAAAAA! 'Ineluctable.' God, what a pretentious choad!"
Ebay idiots who intentionally mislead people into looking at their ads by putting stupid shit in the ad title that is somewhat similar to their own item. Ad title: "NINE INCH NAILS PROMO CD." Fans think, "Holy shit! A Promo? I wonder what it's for!" Then they click on it and it's some unsigned band's home-recorded CD. "If you like Nine Inch Nails, you should check out Blackened Shroud." Why didn't they put "Blackened Shroud CD" in the title? Because they know that nobody on the face of the earth gives a shit about their CD and would never search for them or look at their ad. In the end the outcome is the same, because either way, nobody is going to buy their CD.
"Hello, MTV program director."
"Hello, I'm calling from Jdub Records. We have an artist we would like you to consider putting into obnoxiously heavy rotation."
"What kind of music do they play?"
"Reggae."
"Sorry, we don't play any reggae."
"I think you would like this reggae though."
"Sorry. Our format is rap, rap, commercial, rap, r&b, commercial, Limp-Bizkit-clone, commercial, rap, Limp-Bizkit-clone, commercial, one of two music news articles that we alternate over and over all day, commercial, Franz-Ferdinand-clone, rap, commercial, r&b, commercial, then repeat the loop. We don't have a slot for reggae. Do they have any kind of transparently silly gimmick or something?"
"The lead singer is a Hassidic Jew from the suburbs in White Plains who sings as though he's a black guy from Jamaica."
"Wow! Are they free to headline TRL today?"
Videogames that are only challenging because they won't give you enough ammo. Maybe it's just me, but in a "shoot-em-up" game, wouldn't it be more fun to actually be able to shoot things up rather than being forced to use the shittiest possible gun all the time?
Videogames that are only challenging because you can't see a fucking thing. "Hey, I know. Let's make the place like this complicated maze, litter it with all kinds of tubes and grates and wires and have computers and chairs and stuff strewn everywhere as obstacles... and here's the kicker. It's pitch black. Everything is totally dark... Oh, but of course enemies can see the player perfectly and come from every direction, so the player will end up wasting half their ammo shooting into dark space hoping to hit things he can't see.... which reminds me.... We need to put less ammo pickups."
The fact that on any internet forum if someone starts a thread asking how to resolve any problem with Windows, whether it's a security problem, graphics problem, hardware conflict, spyware, viruses, random crashes or anything, it's apparently a rule that one asshole will reply with "Use Linux." Yeah, great idea, fucktard. Here's a tip. If someone is having trouble with an operating system that is relatively simple to use effectively, they shouldn't switch to an OS that you practically need to take classes to operate effectively. Here's another tip. If a sound card or video card was designed to be used with Windows, and the drivers are designed to be used in Windows, then WHY WOULD THEY WORK BETTER in another OS? Maybe the person wrote in asking for advice to fix their problem in Windows because, uh, gee, maybe they want help fixing their problem, not switching their entire OS. So if you have a REAL answer for them, contribute, otherwise stick a cork in it, dipshit. When they write a post saying, "I really hate Windows and Apple. Is there some other OS I can use?" that's your cue. If they write in saying, "I'm having a weird problem with textures not loading correctly in F.E.A.R. which causes walls to look distorted," shut the fuck up unless you know how to fix their problem. And in general, isn't it time to fucking ditch this retarded "Use Linux" crusade? At this point you guys sound like a bunch of retarded Jehova's Witnesses or something. If people wanted to switch to Linux, they would have done it by now. If they haven't, then guess what, they won't. You morons have been posting "Use Linux" gibberish on every possible avenue for what, 15 years? Linux is never going to catch on for mainstream users - period. Get over it.
People who hear some "advanced" or colorful word and use (and often misuse) it in their writing, despite the fact they would never use it in a real conversation, to attempt make themselves look smarter.
"Last month we had a litany of complaints about the retail department."
"A litany, huh? Yeah, I can totally see you saying that in a conversation with an actual human being. Shut up, idiot."
People who write consumer reviews for sites like Amazon (read: bored assholes), whose "ratings" are totally inconsistent with their review, which gives the item in question an inaccurate rating.
"I thought this cell phone was supposed to be good, but after having it for two weeks, I'm returning it. It's a complete piece of garbage. First off, the battery mount is poorly designed and the battery keeps randomly falling off. I had to actually tape the battery to the phone. The other problem with the battery is that when the phone is in use, the battery gets really hot, I mean like hot enough to burn your hand. Then there's the problem with reception. Even in midtown Manhattan, I usually can't get a signal, and when I do, it only stays connected long enough to dial out, say hello to the person I want to talk to, and then it starts breaking up. Also the sound quality is terrible. There is always this whooshing static so it basically sounds like really bad AM radio reception. The address book keeps just deleting itself, and then the backlight burned out after four days. Yesterday was the final straw. I plugged the thing in to charge and the charger melted. It's really unbelievable how terrible this phone is. It is by far the worst cell phone I have ever seen. If you're looking for a cell phone, you would do better buying two soup cans and a string than this travesty of telecommunications technology.... Three stars out of Five."
"It was a pretty good movie. I saw it in the theatre and then bought the DVD. I've watched it maybe five or six times since I bought it and it's pretty cool. I also bought the soundtrack and the book that the movie was based on, and the movie is actually very true to the book.... One star out of Five."
What the fuck is that shit?
People who buy you the same present that you hate every year for Christmas or your birthday. Some years, you actually approach them with the fact that you don't like the thing they keep giving you, and next year they will still get you the same fucking thing. What's worse is they're SURE you love it and you have no fucking clue where the hell they got the idea that you like something which you actually despise.
"Merry Christmas! I think you already know what I got you! I know it's a big surprise, yuk-yuk!"
"Hmm.. I bet I know what you got me too. Ohh... yeah... uhhh.. the chocolate covered dried pineapple wedge candy stuff. Great."
"Your favorite, right? I always see those in the store and think 'Hey, there's Neg's candy!' Heh! Don't go eating them all at once!"
"Ohhh, don't you worry about me doing that."
The "fad" thing on ytmnd.com. Some of the pages on this site are truly hilarious, but there is a strong tendency for copycats to just regurgitate the same joke OVER and OVER and OVER. Your page is short on comedy? Just add Brian Peppers! Today there's a Macgyver fad. Take some bad situation (nuclear meltdown, Death Star, patient dying in surgery, etc.), sloppily photoshop a picture of Macgyver into the scene, Macgyver asks what he has to work with, someone says two random household items, "I'm on it," a frame says "14 seconds later" (it always says 14, by the way), problem solved, they ask how he did it, "I'm Macgyver, lol." That was amusing... ONCE, but they take that same EXACT formula and make 500 pages of the same exact shit.
People who have legitimate problems but think they can use them as a trump card to get whatever they want, even if the problem is in no way related to what they are asking for.
"My asthma's been really acting up so I think I should start taking Friday and Saturday off."
"But those are our busy days. Nobody that works here has Friday and Saturday off."
"But (cough) my asthma's been pretty bad lately."
"So what does that have to do with what days of the week you work?"
"Well I went to the doctor and they said they need to switch my medicine and I need to start doing these breathing exercises."
"So... What does that have to do with what days you have off? I mean, right now you have Sunday and Monday off. So... What's different about Friday and Saturday - as it relates to your asthma?"
"Well like I said, my asthma is really bad (cough cough) and I don't want to have an attack or something."
"Ok, let me rephrase. How does your asthma know what day it is? Does your Asthma take Friday and Saturday off too? Did your asthma pencil you in so you and your asthma can spend some time together?"
"So you're saying I can't switch to Fridays and Saturdays off?"
"Correct."
"What-(cough-cough-cough)-ever!"
Girls who flirt with guys that they would never actually touch in a million years because they think it's hilarious.
"Hiiiiiiiii, Mikey!"
"Hey."
"You know I'm totally in love with you, right?"
"Wow, really? Because I've been in love with you since the first moment I laid eyes on you."
"Hee hee hee Really??"
"No."
People who think that the number one problem plaguing America, worthy of the closest attention, is not government corruption, energy, corporate greed, class inequity, healthcare, the environment, terrorism, our relationships with other countries, trade, our national budget, the economy..... but race relations. Is racism a current problem? Without a doubt. Is it the most detrimental problem facing Americans? Get a grip.
People who think that buying crap at Pier One Imports makes them multicultural or artsy.
Uncreative hacks who can't think of NEW songs, so they try to remake songs that are considered classics or traditional favorites, like Christmas songs. Worse yet, they think they can give these songs some new kick, and end up just making them sound idiotic. Hey, ASS, it's a 100 year old song. Don't "jazz it up," just fucking play it correctly. "Jingle Belllllls! J-J-J-Jingle Bellllllls (massive tempo change) 'Cause they're jinglin' - aaaaand they janglin' - aaaaaand they're janglin' and a-jinglin' - jinglin' and a-janglin' - jangle jingle jangle j-j-jingle bellllllls!" Sh-sh-sh-SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUUUUP! What could fucking possibly be the purpose of remaking "Jingle Bells?" If someone likes "Jingle Bells," they sure as fuck don't want to hear you butcher it, and if they hate "Jingle Bells" all you're going to do is make them so furious at hearing an idiotic version of "Jingle Bells" that they're going to drive around town to find those Salvation Army guys with the Santa suits and little bells and kick them in the balls.
iPod bullshit.
Yes, once again it's time to bash Mac. How could I bash iPod, the adorable little mp3 player that is beloved by millions, you ask? Fasten your seatbelts.
First off, the name is retarded. I know it's Mac's main priority to be different, even if it's in an absurd or nonfunctional way, and true to form, they capitalize letters in the middle of a word, and pardon me, but that's idiotic.
I also hate the software. Why is it that Mac has such a hard time figuring out how to make a GUI that makes sense? They insist on making a "Library" that you add files to, and the goal of making you use this idea supercedes the obvious goal of putting crap from folder X into the iPod. Since most people just want to dump files from their hard drive to the iPod, why don't they have a one step means of doing so, instead of making you first add it to your "Library?" Do they really think that people are going to use their ridiculous program to listen to music, when far superior and less obtrusive programs exist? The whole interface makes it very, very easy to play music, something most users will never use it for, while its more obvious desired function, dumping files onto the iPod, is made unnecessarily cumbersome to the point that you wonder what kind of spray paint fumes the programmers were huffing. There is no "button" to transfer music from your hard drive to the iPod on the main display, but there ARE buttons for bullshit like graphic equalizers, visualizations, creating playlists, and showing album artwork... things that 99% of people won't even fucking touch, and if they do hit them it will only be in error on their search to find the one button that would do the OBVIOUS task that the software is there for at all. If you want to update the iPod (after creating a bullshit library) you have two options, neither one being obvious. You can look at the "Source" window and go down to the SIXTH entry, then RIGHT CLICK IT, or you can hit File and go down to the SEVENEETH OPTION. Fuck you Apple.
Here's my design for the perfect iTunes browser that gives everyone every function they will ever need to interface with their iPods. Remember the "KISS Rule." Keep It Simple, Shit-tards. Maybe Apple idiots would do well to remember that the phrase "Thinking outside the box" has the word THINKING in it, and THINKING would lead to an iPod browser that looks like this. Go ahead and use my fucking design, assholes, but if you do, I want money - REAL money, so don't go trying to pay me in iBucks or some stupid shit.
And what's with this "Do not disconnect" bullshit about? I understand that they want to avoid corrupting files when they are being transferred, but I haven't transferred shit in weeks, so what difference does it make? Oh, yeah. I remember. Like their "Library" bullshit, they want me to have to fidget with their software some more. Click that "Remove iPod" button, anything to give them another opportunity to stick the Apple logo in front of my eyes a couple of times. Fuck you, I just grab and go. I don't need permission. Has the thing burst ito flames after being yanked off its cradle a few hundred times? Nope. And how backwards is this shit? When you take it off the cradle, the backlight comes on and it goes to the menu. Does a cell phone, cd walkman, videocamera, digital camera, etc. TURN ON when you disconnect it from its charger? I know Mac wants to flatter themselves and think that every second the thing is not being charged that it's in use, but it's not a fucking cordless phone, and even most of those only go active when picked up if they're RINGING. This fucking thing is harder to TURN OFF than it is to turn on, which, considering that it operates on a battery, is fucking stupid. To turn it on, you have to pick it up, touch any button, blow on it, look at it funny, but to turn it off you have to hold the play / pause button for about five seconds, which is even dumber because sometimes the thing does't read button presses right, and you might hold the fucking button for five seconds only to have it pause or play, an error that could be easily averted with a fucking ON/OFF SWITCH.
Now to really push the envelope of idiotic design, my computer began behaving very strangely after installing this thing. I'm one of these people whose computer is on 100% of the time. My computer sometimes goes literally months between reboots, which makes the cause of things like what I'm about to describe hard to pinpoint sometimes. I installed some software that required a reboot. I installed and restarted and something very strange happened. Now, this is not a request for a bunch of cheeto chompers with coke bottle glasses and extensive collections of their own photoshopped naked Star Trek characters to write in with info on how to fix the problem in my bios or edit my registry, or an opening for these same creatures to flex their nerdy "I know something you don't because I am teh1337 h4X0R and you are teh n00b winblows user" muscles or whatever, because these people totally miss the point of how absurd the problem is in the first place. The mere fact that this shit could happen at all is mindblowing, and any ass that thinks something other than "wow - that's bullshit" is retarded, even if you know exactly how to fix it. I restarted, and I saw the usual bios messages and the windows startup logo... and then my screen went black. I thought at first that maybe the software I had installed was doing some setup procedures and that soon everything would progress as normal. Ten minutes later I'm sitting there with my face starting to burn trying to remember what might be on my C drive that isn't backed up if I have to format as I stare at the black screen. I hit the reset button hoping that the computer will, as it sometimes does, figure out what's wrong and boot up correctly. The same thing happens. As I sit there staring at the screen, imagining a Saturday lost to reinstalling Windows, all my hardware and all my software, I decide to not watch the pot as I try to boil water. Instead I take a shower and start to get ready for work. For 30 minutes I get ready and the screen is still black. By now I'm in the midst of a cursing rage. I'm ready for work and screaming my final curses at the computer as I pick the iPod off its cradle and stuff it in my pocket. Then something happens... The exact moment the iPod leaves its cradle I'm instantly aware that the computer is doing something. The hard drive LED is flickering and little noises are coming from inside the case. Then the screen lights up with the Windows login screen. I breathe a long, deep breath of relief. Then, as soon as the cool flood of dopamine is over, I'm overcome by the urge to bounce the fucking iPod off the ceiling. I mean, here we have a fucking ENTERTAINMENT DEVICE and it has the ability to PREVENT WINDOWS FROM BOOTING? What the FUCK! I could hook up a crap-ton of USB hubs and have so many webcams, digital cameras, mice, scanners, printers, headsets, and whatever hooked up that you couldn't even open the door to my room, but hook up one goddamn iPod and the whole system is fucked.
And here's something stupid. Recently they started making iPods that can play video. Now, if it was playing a live feed or TV, that would be one thing, but, uh, who the fuck is going to watch a music video or clip of a movie or whatnot on a ONE INCH BY TWO INCH SCREEN often enough to even bother transferring the file to the iPod in the first place? The ONLY reason to put videos on an iPod is to say, "Hey, look. I can play videos on an iPod." Then after you gain a few iPenis points, the reality sets in that playing videos on that little tiny screen is just a stupid way to drain the battery.
UPDATE: So recently I downloaded iTunes 7.0.1.8 and am now I'm TOTALLY pissed off. It had a message that my iPod is not running the current software and has a button to update the iPod. I hit this button and it churns and thinks and the little hourglass spins around for a couple of minutes... and then a message comes up saying that the iPod cannot be updated. I have a fairly recent model, by the way, the black 30 gig with video.... IF IT CAN'T BE UPDATED BY THE MOST RECENT FUCKING VERSION OF ITUNES, THEN WHAT THE FUCK CAN UPDATE IT? It's YOUR software and YOUR hardware... FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT, SHITHEADS! Also, and this is supremely stupid, Podcasts are SUPPOSED to auto-delete after you listen to them in full. That way you don't get gigs of shit piling up in your iPod. There's even an option to check for this. However, this has never actually HAPPENED on my iPod. They never delete on their own. I have to go into the fucking LIBRARY and manually delete them, and then go digging into the iTunes folder on my hard drive and manually delete them there too. As idiotic as this is in the first place, now I'm apparently completely fucked, because you cannot manually delete files directly from the iPod without deleting them from the libraby, and PODCASTS NO LONGER EVEN SHOW UP IN THE LIBRARY! So now I have about a gig of fucking files on my iPod that cannot be deleted and I had to unsubscribe from all my podcasts so my iPod doesn't just completely fill up and become useless. Once again, I know there's some ass out there who knows exactly how to correct this problem, and yes, I would like to know how to work around Apple's astoundingly shitty design and purge and update the iPod, but this, of course, misses the point. IF I HIT THE "UPDATE" BUTTON, IT SHOULD FUCKING UPDATE. IF I SET PODCASTS TO AUTO-DELETE AFTER LISTENING TO THEM, THEY SHOULD FUCKING AUTO-DELETE! Oh, and another thing, Appletards. When you have 10,000 files in a library, and I left click and scroll my mouse down, I AM NOT TRYING TO MOVE ONE FILE, particularly when all the files auto-organize by artist, album, etc. and when you drag and drop, the file doesn't actually GO ANYWHERE. I am trying to select multiple files! Gee, you might guess that I am tired of having a band's discography eating up space (which is now at a much higher premium thanks to your podcast non-auto-delete bullshit) and I might want to select and delete 100 files at a time, not have to hold CTRL and click, click, click, click, click, click, click 100 fucking times.... UPDATE ON THE UPDATE: So, after some time, some fury and some loud cursing, I decided to hit up some iPod forums, and sure enough there were plenty of topics dealing with the "can't delete podcasts" thing. So after reading one, I finally found that there's a TINY FUCKING TRIANGLE that you click that opens a new menu showing all your podcasts.... you know, the ones that are supposed to be deleted automatically. So I was finally able to delete the files using iPod's STUPIDLY UNINTUITIVE interface, though I still cannot update my iPod firmware.
Seriously, Apple, GIVE A SHIT. The company that brought you ONE BUTTON MICE for FIFTEEN YEARS now brings you an mp3 player interface that is just as impractical.
People in public places who are just a little bit TOO FUCKING INTERESTED in what you are doing. Now, I know I sometimes tend to use hyperbole, but this is exactly what happened to me today. I was at the grocery store buying one of those sponge mops with the mechanized wringers and kind of inspecting it because I seem to have this tendency to buy these mops that break about midway into their first usage. Yes, my life is fascinating. So anyway, this old lady sees me looking at the mop and says, "Wow, now theres someone with some work to do. A new mop. That's a good idea. Looks like he's going to be doing some cleaning around the house." I fled in horror. Yeah, uh, can I please buy a mop, thanks? Leave me the fuck alone, creepy old fucker.
People who would work 20 more hours a week every week if it meant making 1000 dollars more per year.
Once again I'm reminded of the complete lack of focus or priorities in the media. The time is December 22-24-ish 2005. Current events: Bush is busted in an apparently widespread abuse of domestic spying without consent from the courts that totally disregards the Fourth Amendment. The war in Iraq continues to suck major balls and Americans continue to be killed. The Iraqi elections are installing a predominantly Shiite fundamentalist government... you know, like the one in Iran where they all hate our guts and want us all to die. A transit strike between the MTA and TWU, the first in 25 years, is crippling New York City and causing a loss of over a billion dollars and making millions of people either walk or carpool for hours and hours every day to get to and from work in 20 degree cold during the Christmas rush. So.... what ends up on the front page of three New York City newspapers? Johnny Damon, a scruffy looking baseball player, is recruited to the New York Yankees, and is made to shave to clean up his image. Absorb this for a second. Okay... so... Domestic Spying... no biggie... Regimes forming in Iraq that will be far worse than Saddam Hussein in the long run... meh, who cares... The financial center of the US losing tons of money due to a crippling and illegal transit strike... oh well... Scruffy baseball player shaves... FRONT PAGE!
Products that would cease to exist if people started following the directions on their packaging. How long do you think they would continue to make Q-tips if people started reading the label and thinking, "Wow! I'd better not stick this in my ear."?
The idiocy of prostitutes demanding a ban on the popular videogame Grand Theft Auto. Just a quick reference: Freedom of Expression - Legally Protected // Prostitution - Legally Prosecuted. So uh, how about you blow it out your gaping HIV+ asses. What's next? "National Support Center for Ghosts calls for a ban on Pacman. 'We are not yours to eat,' say ghosts."
Managers who have absolutely no lives outside of work who think that people in their charge who do have lives outside of work, or are trying to have a life outside of work lack dedication and just don't care enough. "Well what do you have to do that's so important that you can't come in on a Saturday?" Uh, NOT go to work, asshole. That's a good enough reason to take a day off, in and of itself. A work week is supposed to be forty hours a week, not 50, oh wait, we need to do that inventory - 55 - oh and then we have to finish that report - 60 - oh and the yearly staff reviews are due next week so we'd better come in on Sunday - 68.... Hey asshole - I'm a person, not a job.
People at work who think that if you are younger than them it is perfectly reasonable for you to work like a horse twenty four hours a day seven days a week, even when you aren't particularly young, just younger than they are. "You worked 72 hours this week lifting heavy piles of lumber in the 90 degree sun? Ehh - that's no big deal. You're young!"
Reviewers who give things good ratings for stupid reasons. "The story is pretty dull for the most part and the dialogue and filming seemed pretty half-assed, but the main character is a paleontologist, and I always thought that was a really interesting science, and his name is Steve, which was the name of my college roommate who was really cool, so I give this movie a thumbs up." How the fuck does that make it a good movie, idiot?
People in the workplace who ask you for a report that could be of no specific usefulness or benefit, you know, because, uhh, there should be a report... or something. (Guy walks in at 4:30pm on a Friday afternoon.) "You know all those boxes of file folders in the storage room? Well you might notice that some of the folders have the tab on the right side, some on the left side, and then there are some that have the tab in the middle. They are packed randomly mixed in the boxes. Could you make an inventory and let me know how many of each type we have in stock?"
People who read this page and still fail to realize that none of these points are up for debate. They are all set in stone, so there's no need to email me to tell me you disagree with this or that. If you disagree, you are simply wrong. I'm sorry to break it to you so bluntly, but you are. If you email me to complain, not only are you wrong, but you fail to realize that nobody cares what you think and that your time could be better spent drinking Drano.
The way when someone is being blatantly racist, and you call them on it, they will nine times out of ten instantly accuse you of being racist against them. Oh, yes. Keep calling me a white devil gringo. No, that's perfectly acceptable. I'll just be over here reading a book. Don't mind me.
The way the words "Family" and "Values" now mean "Christian" in the United States, as though you can't have morals or value your family unless you pray to their particular choice of imaginary friends.
The idiotic comercial for Campbells Chili with all the football fan assholes. I know it's kind of goofy for me to pick on one commercial since I despise about 99.8% of all commercials, but this one made my eye twitch so hard that I had to poke twenty four accupuncture needles directly into my cornea to make it stop. The commercial is basically this grotesque depiction of the biggest load of bullshit to ever be named by pop psychology: male bonding. Basically there's about ten fat thirty-to-forty-something year old guys sitting shoulder to shoulder in this cramped living room boisterously watching the foot BAWL game. Actually "boisterously" is probably the understatement of the year. It's more like they're having a collective and continuous footballgasm for the entire duration of the commercial. Now, I'm not particularly against sports fandom. I mean, I do think it's stupid, but it's not like I think it's wrong or anything. I think of it the same way I think of religion. I don't personally relate to it and I think it's pretty dumb and a silly waste of energy, but as long as people practice it quietly for their own enjoyment, and don't go too overboard and get psycho or obsessive, I have no problem with it. But when people take it to insane extremes and act irrationally and treat it as some sort of cult, then get the fuck away from me. Case in point: In the commercial, the camera pans around the freshly shaven head of one of the idiots and the ridiculous macho-esque announcer says, "You shave your head and have your friends rub it for good luck!" Now... If that doesn't deserve a kick in the balls, I don't know what does. If you SHAVE YOUR HEAD FOR A FUCKING FOOTBALL GAME, that's so far off the idiotic asshole charts that the only way you could even come close to being able to understand it is if you're fucked up enough to deserve a kick in the balls yourself. Seriously. Monday morning you go to work and people are like, "Bob... What happened to your hair?" "Football Game." No, see... You need to be neutered. "Football game" is not a sane answer to someone questioning why you shaved off all your hair, and if it's your answer, please kill yourself.
Now, seeing the stereotypical football assholes wasn't enough to spur me to write. Usually when I see that, I just puke on my shoes a little and then feel better because they remind me of those stupid bully football star jackasses from high school who now work at Jiffy Lube, still stuck in that stupid little town where I grew up, and I chuckle a little and go on my way. What irked me was the disgusting way the product itself was presented. First off, presenting any food as "macho" is retarded to begin with. How do you present food as macho, you ask? Well apparently Campbells thinks slobs are really macho, like they're so manly that they've turned back into gorillas. They all eat the exact same rehearsed way - like pigs. Some fucknut director sat down with these guys and showed them how to eat like slobs and made them practice it so they do it right. The spoons they are using are fucking huge. These aren't like spoons you eat with, these are serving spoons. So to accommodate these ridiculously huge spoons, these lummoxes open their mouths wide enough to put their fists in. Oh, yeah. Nothing makes me want to buy a product like watching fat guys gaping. The spoons are piled up so in every shot of the idiots gaping, some of the chilli falls off the spoon and back into the bowl. Yum. Slobs. The kicker for me though was how every one of these morons held their spoons. They held them over-handed in their fists like fucking cavemen that were raised by wolves. I can only assume someone who holds a spoon like that didn't have parents, because if they did they would see their kid holding it like that and slap them in the back of the head. It's a spoon, not a shovel, Bluto. It would be one thing if there was one slob in the commercial who ate like an animal, but they all ate in the exact same way. What's worse, is that every shot of them stuffing their pie holes over-handed is in EXTREME CLOSEUP... IN SLOW MOTION. I wouldn't want to look at these mutants from a block away even if they were just sitting there doing nothing, but seeing slow motion extreme closeup shots of them scarfing muck in the rudest possible way is too much to bear. Maybe it's just me, but if I'm trying to sell a food product, I'd do it in a way that didn't make people want to vomit. A good comparison would be if McDonalds made a commercial with a 60 second closeup of a fat guy's face with him stuffing an entire Big Mac in his mouth whole and then slowly chewing with globs of ketchup in the corners of his mouth... in slow motion.
People whose job it is to give you information, who either want to make you work for it, or play this shitty little "I know something you don't know" game. There is this lady I work with who does this shit all the time. I am a manager. She is a receptionist. She has two, and only two functions. She collects information and then gives this information to me. That's it. She seems to forget the second part of this job description on an every-time-I-ask-her-a-question basis.
I call her on the phone and ask, "How many people do we have booked in room two?"
"Look at your planner."
"I haven't updated it in about an hour."
"Well you should really update it."
"So how many do we have in room two?"
"What does your planner say?"
"Eight."
"Then you need to update your planner."
Or, uhh, HOW ABOUT YOU JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING INFORMATION THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE ME, ASS! You're sitting there in your lovely comfortable leather office chair staring at the fucking number, which I KNOW has fewer syllables in it than "You need to update your planner," but you're too much of a passive aggressive shithead to just SAY THE FUCKING WORD instead of making me walk all the way to your desk, which is exactly one city block away, to change the little fucking eight into a little fucking seven.
The fact that if an American goes to a foreign country and speaks his native language and does not conform to local customs, it's annoying and offensive to the people that live there, and he is labeled an "Ugly American," an unredeemable asshole who needs to get the fuck out. Yet if someone from a foreign country comes to the United States and speaks their native language and does not conform to local customs, they are "preserving their culture," and any American who is annoyed or offended is a bigot, an unredeemable asshole who needs to get the fuck out. (Note: The term "Ugly American" is in the dictionary, but strangely I could not find any entries for "Ugly Spanish," "Ugly French," "Ugly Indonesian," "Ugly Swiss," "Ugly Mongolian".....).
Movies, TV shows and commercials that hire world champion professional skateboarders to do one trick in the background of a shot for 1.25 seconds, and the trick is usually something really dumb like a little ollie.
Those "crazy media" pages that all have THE EXACT SAME SHIT. What's even more annoying is they will make new updates with shit you saw two years ago. Oh, great. It's Tubgirl. Thanks. Haven't seen that one in a few months. Thanks for uh, letting me relive the memories.
People who know enough about computers to build one from raw materials (note I didn't say components but raw materials, I.E. silicon, copper, etc.), design their own operating system and think Windows is hilariously primitive enough that they can completely take it apart and modify it however they want, are aware of every tiny piece of software that exists on the planet and know what its for, how to use it and even modify it. Then they think that you are retarded because you don't know as much as them. "HAH! You got the VQE34Blix virus? HAH! What a fucking newb! Were you running Quixle Pixel Anti-Virus Turbo? PFF! Norton and McAffee? Oh, and you were scanning regularly with Ad-Aware and Spybot? HAH! That won't catch shit! Did you try running a scan with RequiemBasic Scanware? No? PFF! Well download it at (then he pulls the exact URL out of his head right down to the version number.)" When you finally download it and run it, it basically looks like a Command Prompt with no instructions of any kind, and you really, REALLY don't feel like asking the guy to tell you how to use it.
Completely casual litterers. If there's something in their hands that they don't need, they simply drop it where ever they're standing as though it's completely natural. The guy's hand rises to his mouth with his coke can, he takes a sip, then he lowers his hand. Then he raises the can to his mouth again, drinks the last few drops, then lowers his hand just as naturally as before, but this time when the hand reaches the bottom, it relaxes and the can simply falls to the ground. People nearby hear the clink and look to see what it is, and they see the can rolling on the ground, but when they look at the guy, his face is completely without any expression that would indicate that he had done anything unusual. He's the only one around that seems to be completely unaware that there's a can there at all. Someone says to him, "Uhh... I think you dropped something."
He looks completely confused and has apparently been stricken deaf. "Huh???"
They push the issue. "Would you mind picking up that can you dropped?"
Now the guy hears just fine and is absolutely outraged that someone would slander him like that. He littered, but you're the biggest asshole on the planet to actually point it out. "What the fuck?! I didn't drop shit! Did you see me drop that fuckin' can? No! Fuck, I didn't even know it was there until you pointed it out!"
They press the issue further. "Whatever. Just pick it up."
Now the guy fully owns up to dropping it and stonewalls. "Pffft. Yeah, I dropped it. So what? What are you gonna do? You think you're a cop or something?"
People who work in kitchens who think that a chef's knife makes a really good box cutter, ice pick, staple puller, hammer, screwdriver (standard and philips), door stop, pry bar, grill scraper, dry-wall cutter, can opener, spackle spreader, pencil sharpener... Oh.. and knife for cutting food.
Morons who pick up the flyer at the grocery store that shows all items that are on sale, and then load up their cart with SIMILAR, not THE SAME items. Then they get to the counter and hold shit up for a million goddamn years. This fucking bitch was in front of me today, of course with like 300 children who were all screaming and shitting their pants and running around like apes shot up with PCP, and EVERYTHING in her cart was WRONG. The cashier swipes the frozen pizza and the woman looks at the register as the pizza rings up $1.99.
"Ohhhhh, no! That's on sale! It's supposed to be $1.29."
The cashier looks at the pizza, then looks at her copy of the current store flyer. She comes to an ad for frozen pizza and the customer points her finger at it. At his point, I already see where it's going and it makes me want to push the woman, her 400 children and all her bullshit out of the lane with my cart.
"This isn't the same thing."
The woman is totally confused. "WHUHHHH???? Not the same???? But it's uhh.. the frozen pizza right there." She points at the ad again as though the cashier's eyes don't work.
The cashier is made of wood. "It's not the same thing."
I look at the fucking flyer. OK, where do we start. The pizza this woman has is Tony's Pepperoni. The pizza in the flyer is the store brand cheese pizza. The Tony's box is ORANGE and the store brand is BRIGHT GREEN, ok? STORE BRAND! TONY'S! CHEESE! PEPPERONI! ORANGE! GREEN! NOT - THE - FUCKING - SAME! Does this obvious difference sway this idiot in front of me with her now 900 screaming children? NO! She wants to talk to the MANAGER. So I get to stand there, trying to keep her thousands of children at bay by spraying them with oven cleaner while she tries to HAGGLE with the manager. Then, after standing there, with my blood pressure WAY over safe levels for ten minutes, the lady decides that a DOLLAR NINETY NINE is far too much to pay for pizza and that she doesn't want anything else in her cart because she is outraged that they won't honor her stupidity as a store coupon.
The fact that the NYPD will give tickets for littering, yet they ride around Midtown Manhattan on horses that drop massive piles of shit everywhere.
The way every recording artist (term used VERY loosely) whose album sells more than four copies has their own fragrance, clothing line, movie, and videogame, and morons actually PAY MONEY for them. Maybe it's just me, but if one of my favorite bands released a perfume, I would be like, "Uh, you're a greedy sellout piece of dogshit, and I'm ashamed to have given you so much money over the years." Then again... can you imagine what a Skinny Puppy perfume would smell like? "Hello there. I'm Nivek Ogre, and when I go out for a night on the town, I like to smell like the HOLLOW EYELESS FACE OF COLD PALE HORROR."
People who mumble badly who get offended when you ask them to repeat something. Sorry, but I don't know what the fuck "Muh muh-wuh muh seh-muh-muh" is, so you're going to need to fucking say it again, idiot. You might try actually opening your mouth this time.
I want my Chili's baby-back-baby-back-baby-back-DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!!
People who pronounce the letter "H" as "Haych."
People who emphasize the H sound in words starting with "WH" to a stupid extent. "Huhwhat? Huhwhich one? Huhwhere did you hear that? Huhwhy would they say that? Huhwhatever."
Whoever made that "Crazy Frog" bullshit needs to be eaten alive by ants. It's like they were sitting there brainstorming... "Hmmm.... What would be the most annoying thing in the world? I mean... a lot of things are annoying, but I want to make something SO annoying that when people hear it 10 years from now they instantly remember it and go 'HOLY FUCK! I HATE THAT SHIT!'"
Webpages that absolutely will not load and be readable until their banner ads load.
TV shows and movies where they indicate that something was recorded with one of the characters' video cam-corders by having a white rectangle an inch or so from the perimeter of the frame with a blinking red dot in one corner next to the letters "REC" and a little indicator for battery life in the opposite corner. You know, because when you're watching a home video on TV it shows everything that's projected through the viewfinder... or something.
Clock milkers who would be completely content to stay at work 24 hours a day wiping the same perfectly clean countertop over and over until someone MAKES them go home. These are the guys who come to me and complain because I didn't schedule them enough overtime. Look, shitsnack. You're not supposed to get ANY overtime. That's why it's called OVER time. It's time OVER what you're supposed to actually work in a week. GO HOME.
Illiterate people who "put things in quotation marks" completely arbitrarily. Look, "moron," quotation marks mean that "something is being quoted" or someone is denoting a "title." They do not "mean" that you are saying something with "emphasis." If you want to emphasize, you put things in "bold" or "italics" or "underscore." Until you figure this out, you can "eat my ass."
People with really fucked up names who get genuinely insulted when people misspell or mispronounce their names.
"You misspelled my name!"
"What the fuck ever, Eavhen Zjureb."
"It's pronounced EV-hain zi-JERB."
"Whatever."
People with already existing names that think they can pronounce it any way they feel like and correct you when you use the correct pronunciation instead of the made-up one.
"Good morning, Monica."
"It's pronounced Moh-NEEK-ah."
"Whatever, Monica."
People with names that have two or more legitimately correct spellings who get insulted when you don't read their minds and then write down the wrong one.
"Oh gawd! It's Cathy with a 'C'! Geez! "
"How was I supposed to know that."
"Well it's not with a 'K', PFFFFT."
"Whatever."
The way Hollywood's creative well has run so dry that every movie that grossed more than 75 cents gets a sequel. "Miss Congeniality II".... Are you fucking kidding me?
People whose focus when something goes wrong is 75% figuring out who is to blame, 24.99% making sure everyone knows it's not their fault, and 0.01% fixing the problem. (Note: Fixing the problem is only actually persued if it will earn them points and make the person who fucked up look bad.)
People whose job is answering phones who don't listen to ANYTHING.
"Hello, corporate security."
"Hello, this is David Smith from the 24th floor and I need to get a pass for a client."
"Okay..."
"His name is Steve Jones..."
"Okay...."
"- and he will need access to conference room C on the 16th floor at 2pm."
"Wait. Your name isn't coming up in the directory. You said your name was Steve Davis?"
"David Smith."
"Okay..."
"And I need a pass made for Steve Jones."
"Smith, you said?"
"Pardon?"
"Your name is Smith?"
"Yes."
"Okay..."
"And I need a pass made for Steve Jones."
"What floor are you on again?"
"24."
"Thirty four?"
"Twennnntyyy four."
"Okay..."
"He will need access to conference room C on the-"
"Wait, you need access for David Smith?"
"I'M David Smith."
"Who did you need access for?"
"Steeeeve Joooones."
"Okay..."
"He needs access to the-"
"Wait. Is that Steve with an S?"
".......Is there anyone else I can talk to?"
"No, it's just me here. So it's Steve Jones?"
"Yes."
"For the 24th floor?"
"16th."
"15th?"
"16th."
"60th?"
"NEVERMIND! I'll just meet him in the lobby."
"Thank you, Mr. Jones."
"SMITH!"
A quiz to see if you are a subway fuckhead:
1. When you come to a turnstile, you:
a.) Swipe your valid metrocard correctly, pass through and move on, getting the fuck out of the way of the people behind you.
b.) Walk into the turnstile without swiping shit, get clotheslined, then stand there for a second looking really confused, say something really smart like, "Dayum!" then remember that you need to use your metrocard, and dig in your pockets or purse to find it.
c.) Go through a giant stack of empty metrocards, swiping them all and then throwing them on the ground, because surely someone threw a brand new 30 day metrocard in that pile that you picked up next to the garbage can.
d.) Swipe your card and walk through, then slow to a crawl and look in every direction like Chicken Little for a few seconds or fumble to put your card back in your purse or wallet so everyone behind you has to wait for you to stop being an idiot.
e.) Swipe the same EMPTY card over and over even though it says "Insufficient Fare" on the display.
f.) Swipe your card incorrectly over and over. Either rip it through like the pull-cord on a lawn mower or slide it through painfully slowly over and over and over to ensure that the turnstile cannot read it. When the message on the turnstile says "Too Fast. Please Slide Your Card Again" that means you are swiping your card far too slowly. If you don't swipe it fast enough that it gets hot, you didn't swipe it hard enough.
g.) You swipe a credit card or library card of some other stupid shit that isn't even a fucking metrocard at all. (Seeing someone actually do this is what inspired this entire entry. They swiped their library card while people were lined up behind them, then they giggled and started digging for their metrocard. I hope they get cancer of the face.)
2. When you come to a narrow stairway you:
a.) Walk up or down and move on, getting the fuck out of the way of people behind you.
b.) Stop before it, blocking the people behind you, and gawk at it for a good 5-10 seconds to make sure that it's really stairs and not a hologram over a deep pit filled with spikes.
c.) Stop before it and start going through your purse or briefcase to make sure you have all the necessary supplies for climbing stairs.
d.) When you get about halfway up the stairs, inexplicably stop dead in your tracks for a few seconds. When people start trying to get around you, resume at a snail's pace - just fast enough that they can't really get around you, but slow enough to let them know that you are controlling the pace of everyone on the stairs. When doing this, ensure that you are at least somewhat in the middle of the stairway laterally so you cause an effective bottleneck.
e.) Carry your gigantic baby stroller that takes up the entire width of the stairway so nobody can go around you in either direction. Be sure the baby is in the stroller as you do this because that is totally safe.
f.) Go up or down, then when you reach the landing, stop dead in your tracks at the end and look in every direction like you're completely confused while huffing and puffing because going up ten stairs has taken every ounce of your strength and you can go no further.
g.) Walk right in the middle of the stairs as slowly as possible as though you plan to savor the experience for the next 45 minutes. For additional points, talking on your cell phone while doing this will add to the fury of the people trying to get around you.
h.) Bring a friend and walk up excruciatingly slowly side by side rather than single file. Be sure to have a conversation while doing this so you can occasionally stop dead in your tracks to look at them and go, "NO WAY! FER REAL? GET OUT!"
3. When you're en route to the train platform and find that the train is actually in the station, you should:
a.) Try to pick up the pace and catch it before it leaves, or at least get out of the way of the people behind you who are trying to catch it.
b.) Continue to walk as slow as fucking possible, stop in the middle of the stairway, look at the train while blocking everyone behind you, then when people try to push past you, stop, turn around, stare at them while still blocking them from getting to the train, and maybe for bonus points or a punch in the face, demand that they say "excuse me."
4. The doorway of the train:
a.) Is for (get this) getting on and off the train.
b.) Is a great place to stand and there is no reason to move a muscle when the doors open so people can go through them. If people push you to get through since you won't get your ass out of the way, they are assholes.
c.) Should always be held when they start to close so that idiot standing at the end of the stairway looking in every direction or finishing his phonecall on the payphone has ample time to come out of his retarded trance and casually stroll to the train.
d.) Should be entered and exited as slowly as possible. Once passed, you should stop dead in your tracks and look in every direction for a few seconds so nobody can get on or off as you try to figure out what day it is and where you are.
e.) When entering the train, immediately stop right inside the door. Do not get a seat or move towards the middle. Doing so might let the dozens of other people behind you actually get inside the train. "Excuse me" means "Goodbye. Have a nice trip. Too bad I can't come too."
5. A normal behavior when you are waiting on the platform for the next train is to:
a.) Occasionally look down the track to see if a train is coming.
b.) Obsessively look down the track to see if a train is coming every three seconds. Every three seconds when you look, curse and make exacerbated hand gestures. Look at your watch after every couple of checks. If anyone is nearby, force conversation on them about the declining quality of subway service.
c.) Face the opposite direction from everyone else and when they glance down the track, make hard, aggressive eye contact with them with a facial expression that says, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT? YOU FUCKIN' LOOKING AT ME? FUCK YOU! "
d.) Repeatedly hock up loogies and spit in the track bed incessantly for the entire time you are waiting on the train until you have blessed the Metro Transit Authority with no less than one quart of your mucus. For bonus points, spit the mucus on the actual platform and not into the track bed. For double bonus points make a large bubbly puddle in the middle of a high traffic walkway.
6. If the train arrives and is much too crowded for anyone to get in, it makes sense to:
a.) Stand on the platform and wait for the next train.
b.) Try to push in, being as rough as possible with the people who are in the train. When the door keeps trying to close and keeps getting stuck because half of your body is still outside the door, don't get back off, just stand there letting the door close halfway, then open, then close halfway, then open, then the announcer says to stand clear of the closing doors, then the doors close halfway, then open... because this definitely speeds up the process of getting to work.
7. A normal behavior when you riding in the train is to:
a.) Sit quietly in one seat and look out the windows to see what's outside, particularly when the train is above ground.
b.) Sit in front of the windows, and when people look outside give them the "Are you fuckin's lookin' at me, asshole?" glare.
c.) Stare at the other passengers until they finally give you the "Stop staring at me" look. Continue staring at them and make direct eye contact when they give you this look.
d.) Talk to the person next to you, whose shoulder is actually pressed against yours, in a loud projected voice as though they are on the opposite end of the train car. When the brakes make noise or there is some other source of loud noise, speak even louder to compensate. Do not stop talking for even a second, whether or not the person you are talking to stops responding and starts staring at an empty spot on the floor or even puts on headphones. If there is a single person in the train who doesn't know what you are talking about, you have failed to communicate properly.
d.) Sit with your legs at a 90 degree angle from each other so you take up two seats. When someone asks you to move so they can sit down, the correct response is either to feign deafness and stare blankly into space or directly scoff at them for making such a stupid request.
e.) Everyone likes to cuddle. Fall asleep and lean on the person next to you.
8. When you are holding the pole in the train:
a.) Try not to touch other people's hands because most people don't like strangers touching their hands, particularly when your hands look like you just got done tearing the skin off a hemophiliac, working on his car's engine, and then burying the hemophiliac and his car in a hole in the ground that you dug with your bare hands, after winning the annual "Most long and disgusting fingernails" contest.
b.) Let your hand slide slowly down the pole so people know that eventually your filthy hand will touch theirs. Bonus points if you occasionally let go of the pole to chew on your bleeding cuticles, and then bump people's hands as you grab the pole again. Touching people makes them think you are nice and will make them want to be your friend. Touch everyone's hands at least twice. If they make an annoyed facial expression and then jerk their hand away and then grab the pole way up high so your hand can't slide down to touch theirs, it just means they are shy and want you to be more assertive, so definitely don't take this as a sign that they don't want you to touch their hands, because they do, VERY, VERY MUCH.
c.) Be sure to cough and breathe on people's hands as they hold the pole, because they like that.
d.) Lean your back against the pole so nobody else can hold it at all, and if they try to grab it up high, let your filthy greasy hair touch their hand to show them who's boss.
9. You are standing in the subway or in a narrow path on the subway platform, reading a book or newspaper with it sticking straight out. As people walk past and bump it, or swat the newspaper out of their way, the person who is the asshole is:
A.) You, you fucking retard. You should have that fucking paper jammed up your urethra, you selfish, incosiderate cunt.
B.) The guy trying to get past you to find a seat, who bumps your paper right as you're reading important information about the relationship between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. You make an annoyed "Pffff uhhhh!" noise.
C.) The guy sitting next to you who you keep bumping with your elbow as you hold your paper wide open in front of him across 60% of his field of view. When he finally asks you to stop bumping him, and momentarily interrupts you reading an exceptionally poignant "Family Circuis," you make an annoyed "Pffff uhhhh!" noise.
D.) The guy sitting in the seat as you stand in front of him with your paper literally resting on his forehead as you read it. When he's finally had enough and reaches his hand up to swat the paper away from his eyes, momentarily interrupting you reading an important article about who will be The Mets' new starting left fielder, you make an annoyed "Pffff uhhhh!" noise
People like my neighbor above me who think that the best way to put a toilet seat down is to hold it at its apex and simply let go. These fuckers must own stock in a fucking iced tea company too, because about 20 times a day I hear, "Foooshhhhh....BOOM!"
The disgustingly large number of subhumans that say, "Brung."
I thought "Brung" was bad until today when someone said they "Brang" something.
People who defend their personal faults and eccentricities by comparing themselves to Einstein, Leonardo Da Vinci, etc. Of course, the "shared flaw which implies genius" is of always of dubious credibility and no relevance. "Well, Picasso didn't brush his teeth either, so there!" I actually thought of this entry when some fucktard on a forum was using typical AOLese and I was ripping on him, not just for writing like an idiot, but for completely fucking up a point and then completely avoiding the argument to defend his flawed logic. "U wan 2 mess wit my speling jus cuz UR mister perfct r sumthin huh? Wat R U a teacher R sumthin? Yeh well Einstien waz dislexic 2 so mabey U need 2 shut up wit UR gay opinouns cuz he waz a genoius U fag!"
People who write like the person in the post above who think that you making fun of them writing like they're retarded means that you have exhausted all of your legitimate arguments and are desperately resorting to petty nitpicking since they won the argument. "See U aint got nuttin ta say but ta make fun of mah spellin cuz U no im rite fag!"
People who buy gifts that can ONLY be enjoyed if the receiver has a specific interest in it. The giver either has no knowledge of the receiver's tastes, or knows their tastes but ignores them.
"Merry Christmas, Dave! I just know you're going to love your present!"
"Thanks!" Dave unwraps the present and tries in vain to conseal the look of confusion on his face. "Wow... Thanks.... I've been meaning to pick up the new (he pauses to look at the album and READS the name off the front) Gwen Stefani ( he pronounces it "Stephanie") album... She used to be in No Doubt or something right?"
"You hate it, don't you?"
"Noooo, I'm sure it's greeeeaaaat! I heard it's really popular."
"Scat" jazz. Skibbity wop-a-deee doodly dop wee-oot'n doot'n dwaaaa doo deepa bop doo dweeaaaahhh! Hey, idiots, nice gibberish. Here's a tip. If you can't be bothered to write some words for your song... REAL words, and you want to use a vocalist, then you're not finished writing your song, are you? And if you're not finished writing it, then don't fucking publish it. The paycheck comes AFTER the work, shitheads.
The caller ID leapfrog of idiocy. One day, this paranoid idiot invented this way for people to be able to see who is calling them before they pick up the phone. Then this other idiot thought, "Fuck that. I'll make a way that phone numbers won't show up on caller ID. That'll let me continue my spree of obscene phonecalls."
Then this other idiot saw the second idiot's work and said, "Fuck you too. I'll make it so that people who block their ID's can't get through and have to go back and press a number so I can see their ID's." I mean, what ever happened to picking up the phone, hearing the voice of someone you don't want to talk to, telling them to go fuck themselves and then slamming the phone in their ears? You geeks take the fun out of everything.
Coffee slurpers. Learn some fucking manners, assholes. I'll be in the elevator and there's some little shit with a cup of coffee. Just as I'm slipping comfortably into my "nobody else exists" elevator trance, I hear, "Sccchhhhhhhlooooooorrrrrrpppp." I look over and the guy is carefully slurping his coffee. My immediate impulse is to slap him in the back of the head so the scalding hot coffee splashes all over his face, but then I remember that there is a security camera. As soon as my internal "should I or shouldn't I slap him" argument is over, I hear it again. "Scccchhhhhhloooorrrrp-a-suck-a-sllluuuuurrrp-a-drool." Ok. I know why you're slurping. You're slurping because it's too hot to drink. The fact that it's hot doesn't change the fact that you're making a hideous sucking sound like a dumb animal, and no, wearing a tie doesn't cancel this out. If want to drink coffee without burning your mouth, I'll tell you the secret if you promise not to spread it around. To drink coffee without burning yourself, you WAIT TWO GODDAMNED MINUTES FOR IT TO COOL DOWN, RETARDS!
Repairmen and apartment building supers that can always be relied upon to do the most half-assed repair jobs possible. Thank you, mister super! Now it doesn't sound like there's a jackhammer in the wall when I run the sink. Now it's more of a low pitched howl that makes the whole room vibrate. Oh, and thanks for fixing the leaky shower. It, uh, drips a little bit less now. Oh, and that place where you fixed that hole in the wall looks great the way you left it all rough and uneven and then painted it with a noticably different color of paint. It really gives the living room flair.
People who speak in Spanglish, Franglish, etc. Look, I have no problem with people speaking foreign languages, but PICK ONE. "Blahbiddy snorkity froomarolio walk in closet snerflicken broombrax horksminky landscaping wootaroolio sneldrixen frambrookio slen chicken pot pie anafrixus groombiokio briffmexan dlern veemle crooxios hamburger."
People who think up some big long spiel and can't resist giving it all to you regardless of how unimpressed you are, even when they can clearly see that you're busy and you give them what they're asking for anyway.
"Hey, would you mind if I took a break?"
"Sure, no problem."
"Because I was just thinking that right now there's nothing really going on."
"Yeah, yeah. Go on break."
"And I was thinking that if I took my break now, then later I'll be able to just finish up without taking another break."
"Sure. See you in half an hour."
"Because I was thinking that last night we were here late and I know you don't want us to rack up too much overtime..."
"Everything's covered, right?"
"Uh, yeah... but I was just thinking..."
"Ok, well, see you in half an hour."
People who don't "get" videogames on any level.
"So what is this videogame you're playing, Fatal Fantasy or whatever?
"Final Fantasy."
"Whatever... So what do you... do... in it exactly?"
"Well, you develop a character, fight monsters, complete quests... You know..."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why are you fighting monsters?"
"Uhhh... Because your character gets stronger from fighting them..."
"...Ok..."
"And some drop treasure..."
"...Ok..." (Polite nod of "I don't understand at all ")
"And you can sell this to make money..."
(The word money makes their eyes light up) "REAL money?"
"No. Money in the game."
(Look of profound disappointment) "Oh."
"...Which you can use to buy better armor, weapons, etc."
".... Why do you want to do that?"
"Uhhh... So you can beat tougher enemies..."
"Oh... And you want to do that because...."
"So you can advance in the game."
"So you can beat it?" (The not-so hidden meaning being "When are you going to finish this stupid game so you can get back to being a boring adult?")
"Well... The game doesn't really have an ending."
"You mean nobody can win?"
"Well... You couldn't beat Pac Man either."
"But... Why play a game that you can't beat?"
"Uh... Because it's FUN."
"I don't understand."
"You know... FUN?"
"You lost me."
People who buy you clothes that are obviously too small as though they are trying to spare your feelings. Look. Spare me a trip to the store to exchange it instead. I'm over 200 pounds and six feet tall. I am not a size MEDIUM. A Men's Medium T-shirt comfortably fits midgets who are like 5' 4" and 125 pounds.
Advertisements that accent diversity by showing that Americans are:
- 90% female.
- 40% black.
- 35% hispanic.
- 20% asian.
- 5% white (always either female, token elderly man or token disabled person).
- 0% unattractive or overweight.
People who say, "An historic occasion." An? Did I miss a meeting about changing the rules for using "A" instead of "AN" before a word starting with a consonant sound? I even hear newscasters use this phrase, and, uh, they're fucking WRONG. I could almost understand if we all had cockney accents and pronounced it as "'istoric," but we DON'T. You don't say "AN hamster" or "AN helicopter" or "AN hamburger" or "AN hand job" ... Well, you might if you are retarded, but that's beside the point.
Idiots who think "Uh-huh" or "MmHmm" mean the same thing as "Huh?"
"Which car? The red one?"
"Uh-huh."
"The red one?"
"MmHmm."
"Which one?"
"THE RED ONE, SHIT FOR BRAINS!"
Fuckers who give you a FAX number and everytime you try to fax something you hear, "Ring..... Ring..... Ring..... Hello? Beeeeep Hello? ...Beeeeep.... Hello? Click."
People over the age of five who still haven't figured out that when someone is on the phone, it's not a good time to talk to them. It never fails. I'll be in my office on the phone and some moron comes in like, "Hey, I was thinking that maybe we should blah blah blah blah blah...." The fucker can clearly see that I'm on the phone but it doesn't stop him for a second, and then he expects some kind of answer other than, "I'm on the phone." He is completely surprised that that would be my response to his amazing brainstorm which I didn't even hear because I was straining to hear the person on the phone over the idiot's yammering. I will be sitting there, wincing, looking away from him, plugging my free ear with my finger, and the retard is totally confused. "Why would he be doing that? It's as though he doesn't want to hear what a genius I am. What a weirdo."
These retards who read my page and say shit like, "Wow! I love that guy. He reminds me so much of Ann Coulter." Did you strain yourself trying as hard as humanly possible to NOT GET IT in the most extreme way imaginable? Like, did you sit down and think, "Hmm, I totally miss the point, but somehow I still like it. I'm gonna see how far from getting it I can get"? Look. I say crass things. I am opinionated. I rib Canadians a little. I am not a xenophobic, homophobic, racist Christian supremacist fascist like Ann Coulter. I fail to see the novelty of her at all, other than to horny nazis who get hard when some bitchy bimbo spouts hatred in people's faces to the point that even the people she's spouting at just think that nobody could possibly be that stupid and backwards and that she's just trying to get a rise out if them. It's basically like, "Hi. I have blonde hair and tits, hence I can get away with saying things that Hitler would say because I look cuter in an evening gown than Pat Buchannan." The things she says are the things that many conservatives think, but are smart enough to never publish or speak into a microphone. If what you gleaned from my page was that I'm really great, just like Ann Coulter, then I'm truly sorry your parents dropped you on your head when you were a baby... from a second story window... and I'm even more sorry they didn't go up a few more floors.
More Germ Idiots. Last night I was on the subway. I was standing next to this victim of 80's retro and I coughed... ONCE. She literally threw up her hands and then made this very obvious show of getting away from me as quickly as possible, making sure to choose a route of escape where she had to say "excuse me" to as many people as possible to make sure everyone on the train knew that she was being horribly inconvenienced. As she reached the far end of the train, she turned around with her lip curled as high as she could curl it so she could sneer at me in disgust. If I had taken a shit in my hand and then started devouring the turd noisily, the natural reaction probably would not have been as severe as the contrived show of disgust that this bitch put on. How dare I have the audacity to cough within a 50 foot radius of the Queen of All Commuters? As she sneered at me, I reached in my pocket and pulled out my asthma inhaler and held it up for her to see. That's right, moron. You can't CATCH asthma. After only an instant, she understood the meaning. There was a look of recognition that replaced her look of disgust. As soon as the sneer was replaced by the look of "Oh," I extended my middle finger with the same hand that was holding the inhaler and her expression changed from disgust to "Oh" to "Fuck you" in a matter of three seconds. It was grand.
Customer Service voicemail boxes and email forms, particularly for little unimportant things like, oh, your banking or taxes, that tell you that you will receive a reply within 24 hours and then 24, and 48, and 72, and 96 hours go by and you don't hear SHIT. So then you go back and go through the whole phone / email merry-go-round again and STILL don't hear shit. "Welcome to Chase, where we strive for service excellence." FUCK YOU! If you strove for service excellence, I wouldn't have to pick from one of the following five options, then seven options, then three options, then enter my account number followed by the number sign, then the last six digits of my SS number, then GET A VOICEMAIL BOX that apparently NOBODY EVER CHECKS.
Doctors that use the clever little euphamism, "pressure." If your doctor tells you you're about to feel some pressure, just run. Run far and run fast. "Pressure" is their code word for "so much pain that you will break out in a cold sweat and lose consciousness." This is the kind of pain that when you remember it years later, your face twitches involuntarily and you feel a little sick.
McDonalds' retarded self-defeating ad campaigns. Today I saw an ad for their new "Chicken Selects" strips. The name alone is stupid, as if they're saying, "Remember those shitty McNuggets that only vaguely resembled meat? Well these are different. These are made as if someone is actually even paying attention to quality or something." The ad features happy looking people holding half eaten chicken strips with a delighted, surprised look on their faces, looking at the strip, and the caption, "Now I'm a believer." A believer? Why should there be doubt to defy? Like the person is surprised to have a new-found faith in McDonalds' ability to make food that doesn't taste like shit, as though making nonshitty food is a vast departure from all things McDonald's. "Wow! Now I'm a believer! McDonald's has renewed my hope that they could make a chicken-esque product that looks and tastes as though it might even be made from actual earthly animals... maybe even chickens!" Someone eats a fucking breaded chunk of meat that actually tastes good and they are amazed that something that doesn't taste like shit came from McDonalds. That is the message of this ad. Why in the fuck would McDonald's project this message about their own fucking company? "You know us as the maker of shitty, cheap-ass food that all tastes basically the same, but these strips are different." What's the punchline? They still taste like shitty McDonald's food. It's rare to go to any other resaurant that serves chicken strips and get something as shitty as McDonald's Chicken Selects. McDonald's has achieved something no other resaurant can match. They have done something truly unique. Every item on their menu tastes simultaneously overseasoned, and yet, completely bland, which defies any sort of logic.
Listerine commercials are just as stupid. They have this orange listerine and the mom comes home and says, "Hey kids, let's try the new orange Listerine!" and the CHILDREN RUN AND HIDE! What the FUCK? You're trying to SELL this product by showing that people ARE AFRAID OF IT? "Don't worry - It's less intense!" Oh, so your other products are so bad as to be FEARED? Great selling point. "Try our new orange flavored Listerine. It's not as horrifying as our mint flavor."
Update 2/20/06: I wrote this a while ago thinking that there was no way McDonalds could make a dumber ad than the one for their chicken strips. Today I found out that I had underestimated them. I was in McDonald's waiting in line when I saw another of their stand-up cardboard ad things posted next to the counter. It had two pictures - one of a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese and another under it for a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. I thought, "Oh, they must be highlighting their Quarter Pounder series of burgers or something." Then my eye caught the ad's hook. "Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese... Quarter Pounder with Cheese.... Wouldn't they be great.... TOGETHER?" What in the holy fucking hell? Are they trying to make someone puke? Seriously, after I eat a Double Whopper with Cheese, my thought is, "Crap. I'm really full. I hope I don't hurl." Not, "Hmmm... You know.... 1800 calories isn't quite enough for this meal. I think I'm gonna go up and buy another 1200 calories and then maybe have a heart attack in the parking lot."
People who completely grind to a halt when things don't turn out 100% perfect. The salad guy gets a ticket ordering a mixed green salad with grilled chicken. The waiter picks it up, takes it to the table, comes back with plate in hand and reports that the customer now wants a mixed green salad with grilled shrimp, not chicken. Anyone with half a brain at this point would think, "Ahh. The guy must have changed his mind. I'll get started on those shrimp so I can put this behind me."
What does this guy do? Does he just shrug it off and make the new salad? No. He looks dubiously at the waiter, then at the salad, then at the waiter, then at the salad, then at the ticket, then at the waiter, then at the ticket, then at the salad, then he pulls the ticket down, looks at it, shows it to the waiter, looks at the salad, looks at the ticket, shows it to the waiter again, looks at it, shows it to the head chef, looks at the salad, shows the salad to the head chef, who shrugs, starts interrogating the waiter, shows the ticket and the salad to the manager, then starts throwing a tantrum because, "HOW COULD THIS BE???" His mind is reeling with possibilities. "Did the customer change his mind? Did the salad look bad? Did the waiter fuck up the order? Did the customer have a speech impediment that makes chicken and shrimp sound the same? Maybe an alien spaceship is hovering over the restaurant and teleported the brain of someone who hates chicken into the customer's head...Fuckin' nobody is gonna pin this shit on ME!" Meanwhile, the guy is standing there stupified, paralyzed while the customer is sitting there with no food in front of him as the other people at the table are eating. The guy could have made four salads with shrimp by now, but, retard that he is, he's still trying to figure it out. How did this happen? WHO GIVES A SHIT?! MAKE THE FUCKING SALAD!
Stores that have double doors that only leave one of them unlocked and usable, so you have to guess which one you will be able to push without looking like a retard pushing on a locked door. What are you trying to do, use one door until it wears out and then switch to the "fresh" one?
Those weird motorcycles that are huge and have a trunk, a stereo, a big windshield, two nearly full-sized seats, loads of storage compartments, and sometimes even a little matching trailer. Doesn't that kind of defeat the whole purpose of getting a motorcycle? Just get a car, fucknuts.
The fact that "overlook" means "to ignore," yet "oversee" means "to pay attention to."
Adults who say 'Samwich' and 'Libary.' That shit is cute when you're SIX.
People who are totally confused politically who simply lash out at whatever random political group out of frustration, when they can't figure out the root of a problem that they believe needs to be fixed, or when the root of the problem is much closer to their own political beliefs than they are willing to admit. I just got done reading a very angry political rant on this guy's page. He was furious about the war in Iraq and wanted the immediate withdrawal of our troops. He thought the political process surrounding the war was being stalled and was rife with lies and deceit. He said many times that our reasons for getting into the war in the first place were based on lies and an underlying conspiracy to go into Iraq and take advantage of their oil production. Sound familiar? Sound like something you've heard before? Wait. You haven't heard the punchline. The group he holds 100% responsible for the war in Iraq, for al lthe deception, for all the political maneuvering that led us into the war, and stalling our withdrawal, the focus of this guy's rage.... Liberals.
Advertisers who use the 'Sex Sells' concept to the point that it's just stupid. I was on the train today and my eye was magnetized to a really nice set of tits on the full page ad in the newspaper of the person sitting across from me. My initial reaction was what you might expect. "Mmmmm.... Tits." Of course, the advertisers did their job, as they kept me staring at this generously filled bikini top for more than 1/100th of a second and made me wonder what they were hawking. "This is probably an ad for some travel agency or beach resort." Then my titty tunnel vision widened enough to see that this mostly naked hottie was holding a laptop computer, which is pretty fucking retarded in the first place. So now I was thinking, "Ahh, must be one of those hilarious dating website ads that use hot models to make horny idiots think that non-losers use the site, giving them the opportunity to date some super hot chick despite the fact that they make John Goodman look really attractive." Then I finally decided to let my eyes wander away from the tits long enough to actually read the ad text... "How to buy, sell, and profit on eBay." What the FUCK?!?! I mean, I could understand if the ad said, "How to sell your dirty panties on eBay to pathetic perverts," but it didn't. It was an ad for a book - a book for stupid people.
Those fucking irrelevant 90's alterna-crap bands that alterna-crap radio and MTV tried to force feed me for years as "Cutting Edge Musical Genius" and the "Sound of Things to Come" that I always despised and everyone else thought were amazing, and now nobody gives a shit about them, because guess what - they were all just meaningless trendy cookie-cutter pop music disguised with a pretentious goatee. Fuck REM, Belly, Toad the Wet Sprocket, 10,000 Maniacs, The Lemonheads, Jesus and the Mary Chain, Ben Folds Five, The Cranberries, The Cardigans, Blur, Everlast, Garbage, Oasis, Counting Crows, Hole, Temple of the Crap, Suede, Gus Gus, Goo Goo Dolls, Afghan Whigs, Sixpence None the Richer, Kid Rock, Depeche Mode, Fionna Apple, Smashing Pumpkins, The Verve, Creed, Supergrass, Soul Asylum, Third Eye Blind, Pulp, Ned's Atomic Dustbin, Smashmouth, The Smithereens, The Stone Roses, Morrissey, and all that other bullshit that sounds exactly the same as all of the above. I must say that I have to thank you for making your music as boring as fucking possible so people didn't stay interested in you enough to make you still relevant today. You were never alternative in the first place. You were just a slickly marketed different type of trendy, uninspired pop music and I'm glad you've all gone the way of MC Hammer, you airtime-wasting snore-fests. The only difference between Vanilla Ice and Evan Dando is that in 10 years people will remember Vanilla Ice. No doubt there will be idiots who go, "But wait! REM isn't irrelevant! They're still my favorite band!" Yes, but that's because you're a younger version of those idiots who are now in their 60's who think that nobody has yet matched the musical genius of the ultra-gimmick one-trick-pony pop band The Beach Boys. I remember watching 120 Minutes on MTV every Sunday night hoping to see something by Nine Inch Nails or Skinny Puppy or, heaven forbid, some punk rock or some band that was really awesome that I had never heard of before, but week after week, the 120th minute would roll by, and I would throw the remote at the TV and go to bed, pissed that MTV had the audacity to put shit like Alanis Morrissette, who was in the top 10 in the pop charts, on an ALTERNATIVE music show. What the fuck is "alternative" about a band that shitty corporate radio and MTV play every 10 minutes? Now I get to laugh as most of them weren't even memorable enough to warrant a 2 minute appearance on one of those absolutely pathetic "Where Are They Now" shows. When even those shows don't give a shit about you, I'm sorry to say, that's the bottom of the bottom - right where they all belong. "Welcome to Starbucks. May I take your order?" Yes, Evan Dando. Yes you may.
People who think that the fact that we live in the age of voicemail means that they will never have to actually ANSWER a phone ever again. You can see my number pop up on your little caller ID, and you let it go to voicemail and then check it, then call me back 2 minutes later. What the fuck? I can understand people who screen their calls so they don't have to deal with people they don't want to talk to, but if you're going to call right back, doesn't that defeat the purpose? Do you just not like saying "hello?" I really don't get it.
Comedians who become well known and even loved for telling the same jokes year after year. Your whole job is thinking up funny shit to say, and delivering it. If you never occasionally slow down to do the first part of that sentence, you sure as fuck don't deserve to be paid to just do the second part every night for the rest of your fucking life.
People who answer phones for a living who don't even understand how to operate an office phone.
*ring.....ring....* "Yeah? Who? Uhhh... Hang on. (scuffling noises as they cover the mouthpiece with their hand instead of putting you on hold or hitting mute) You there? Ok, Im'ma transfer you." *BOOP BOOP BOOP Click* (the sound of them punching number keys loudly in your ear and then hanging up on you.)
The way, when people have babies when they're over 50, all these idiots think it's an "amazing miracle." Great job. You're 55 and have a new baby. You'll probably be dead before he's out of high school, and then what will happen to him? This is only a bundle of joy for you, not for the future teenager at your funeral, learning all about misery and abandonment at an age that will greatly shape what kind of person he will become as an adult. Go ahead and have a baby, just because you either missed your chance when you were young or your first batch is grown up and has left home and you have that lonely empty nest feeling. Think only of your own want to cuddle a cute little baby, but don't worry too much about the fact that it's a human being that will probably end up screwed once you're gone. Fantasize that it will be easier to shape a young mind, now that you're older, wiser and more experienced, ignoring the extreme irony in your total lack of judgment, foresight and self restraint in having a baby when you should be in the final planning stages for retirement rather than planning for the future of a child whose wedding, college graduation, or perhaps even high school graduation you will never see. Feel a longing? Get a cat. A baby is not a pet. Oh, but you have life insurance, you say... Well that's good, because a monthly check is a fine substitution for parents. What an amazing miracle, you selfish motherfuckers.
People who want to come visit you who ask when is a good time, and you say that anytime is fine. Then they never come visit you and get annoyed and hold it against you that you never made time for them. What the fuck?
The fact that nobody jackhammers anything anywhere after 9am.
Retards on forums or webpages that rant about something and then end it with <end rant>. What the fuck is the point of that? If you just ranted and now you're done, I think we can all fucking figure out where the end of the rant is, no? It's almost done as this pretentious apology like they don't have the spine to stand behind what they're saying, sort of an after the fact "I don't mean to be rude, but..." Like you all know me as happy mister fluffy, but here now I'm going to put on my mean guy mask and rant. It's not really me. It's the mean ranting mask. Actually, it's probably just one of those idiotic forum copycat things that all these unoriginal leeches do. Like when some guy said "asshat" once, and it was funny ONCE, and then for the next three years, 90% of all forum kids used it as their default name for anyone who is lame, and no doubt chuckled that "huh-huh-huh" retard chuckle every single time they typed it.
People who are completely incapable of holding any object worth more than 20 dollars in their hand without dropping it. One day this guy I know saw me pecking something into my new pda/phone and held out his hand so he could hold it and have a look at it. I had owned it for 3 days. As soon as it left my hand, his arm had some kind of wild "holding something valuable" spasm and the thing went straight into the floor like it was a wet bar or soap or something. A few months later he saw that I had bought a new Ipod. Somehow I forgot the mental image of my phone bouncing on floor tiles and absent mindedly complied when, once again, he reached out to "see it." It was in his hand for about 1/8th of a second (considerably longer than the phone) before it was flying through space aimed at the center of the earth. This guy is a chef... HE WORKS WITH KNIVES ALL DAY AND SOMEHOW HAS ALL TEN FINGERS. I guess his knives must all be worth less than 20 dollars. Ah, and there is the fact that they have no delicate electronic parts, which no doubt makes them easier to grip.
Mail In Rebates. What the fuck is this bullshit? "$999.00 (SMALL print: "After $400.00 Mail In Rebate"). So you have to buy it for $1399.00, then mail in 61,531 different coupons, receipts, offers, etc. by a certain date, and then hope and pray that they actually honor the rebate and send you your money in the next 8-12 weeks. Fuck you. Just sell it to me for $999 in the first place, you conniving shits. The way I see it, if I have to have 1399 bucks in hand to buy something, they shouldn't legally be allowed to put $999.00 anywhere on the ad. When I bought my TV there was a rebate offer where I got 6 months of free Blockbuster Rentals. I sent in all the asked-for papers, coupons, receipts, etc. well before the offer expiration date. Do you think I ever got my 6 months of free rentals coupon? Fuck you.
People who SWEAR that they heard you say something that there's no way in hell you would ever say.
"So, where are we having Dave's retirement party?"
"I don't know. You tell me. Dave's retiring?"
"What? You mean you haven't made reservations? It's on Friday!"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"You told me you would plan it. Everyone asked me if we should do something for Dave and I told them that you said you were handling it. You mean you haven't even called anyplace?"
"Uhhh... What the fuck are you talking about? I didn't even know Dave was retiring until you told me just now."
"OHHHHH YES YOU DID! We were talking last tuesday about Dave retiring and what we should do for him and you suggested we go to Le Bernardin and-"
"Where?"
"Don't pretend you didn't say you would plan this. I HEARD YOU!"
Adults who buy those books of word-searches. What, are you retarded? Heavens no, don't get a book of crossword puzzles. That might require you to have an IQ higher than 40. "Let's see here... M...M...M...M-A? No, no... M...M...M-Q? No, no, no... M...M...M...M...M-O? M-O-R? M-O-R-V? No, no.... Ahhh... Here it is! M-O-R-O-N! That one was tricky because they made it diagonal. I'm a fucking genius!" Then they make a messy circle around it just like they did when they were in third grade.
The way that people who you really want to see naked are guarded and private and the people that NOBODY wants to see naked, like some 55 year old guy with ape-like body hair or some 250 pound woman with tits sagging down to her waist don't give a shit who sees them naked.
Any retard that ever installed a 5-point seatbelt in a car not capable of breaking 180 miles an hour. Sorry, but your Jetta/Civic/Supra/Eclipse is NOT a racecar and installing a racecar seatbelt will not make it one.
People who organize and reorganize and re-reorganize things obsessively until they are completely disorganized. These people always think of themselves as extremely organized multitaskers, and think that the people around them don't know what the fuck is going on because they're stupid and don't pay attention.
Yogic levitation. What a serious load of horseshit. They had a TV show that said it was going to show real "Yogic Flying." This immediately conjured images in my mind of people in an elevated sense of consciousness floating a few feet above the ground for extended periods of time, fully defying gravity with the power of their minds. I figured from the start that there would be something stupid about it and that it wasn't going to be as cool as the image everyone thinks of when they think of a yogi floating in space. I had to watch. What a fucking ripoff. Were they hovering, weightless? No. They were fucking HOPPING! What's worse is the WAY they were hopping was so stupid it made me laugh out loud. They get in the "Lotus Position." That's the position that looks like "Indian Style" but with their feet on top of their legs - you know, because straining the shit out of your joints and being in pain connects you to the cosmic flow. Then they would flap their legs up and down and hop around like idiots. They would hop along, then when they ran out of room to keep going forward, they would stop, laugh amonst themselves, stopping just short of giving each other high fives, and turn themselves around so they could go back the other direction, you know, because when you're in tune, you give a shit about lining up for the next little hopping exercise. It's quite possibly the dumbest thing I've ever seen. Of course, the people making the show hooked a bunch of electrodes up to the guys' heads to show that there is increased brain activity while they're jumping up and down. Here. Let me give you an approximate translation of this brain activity. "Ok, let's jump up and down. Make it look good for the cameras. HOP HOP HOP HOP HOP... Whew. Leg muscles got a little strained on that one. Wow. I'm gonna be on TV." These assholes aren't defying gravity with the power of their minds. They're hopping with the power of their legs. Hey, check out my amazing powers of telekinesis. (I push a pencil with my hand.) Did you see that? Wow! It's amazing how I just moved that pencil with the power of my mind! I meditated until I thought, "I think I'll move that pencil." Then my brain instructed my arm to reach out and move the pencil. Wow! It's amazing how I can break the laws of physics with mind power. Fucking farout.
Anonymous cowards who write me mean little hatemails, safely hiding behind their computer monitors, who accuse me of being an anonymous coward who writes a mean little webpage, safely hiding behind my computer monitor.
Blogger morons who write big, long posts 15 times a day to talk about how their lunch was, how their gym class was, how much homework they have, how their mom bitched at them today the way she does in every other post, who's annoying, who's awesome, why Good Charlotte is the greatest band ever, then they put lots of little web quizzes on their page that are completely meaningless like "Which Power Puff Girl are you?" and then, when they stumble upon my page and disagree with me, they write a big long post about how I obviously have too much time on my hands.
Pretentious fuckheads who use the phrase "may or may not" instead of just admitting that they don't have a goddamn clue. THANKS FOR NARROWING IT DOWN, SHIT FOR BRAINS. It's even worse than guessing because they're not EVEN guessing. Unless something is certainly so or certainly not so, it "may" be, and if it "may be," then just by default it ALWAYS "may not be," dipshit. "It may or may not rain today." "Dave may or may not stop by." "That store may or may not be open on the holiday." NO SHIT? Why even say anything? If you don't know shit, just stick a cork in it for once instead of adoring the sound of your own stupid voice. It's like you're giving me an answer that contains NO INFORMATION instead of just giving me the concise honesty of shrugging your shoulders and drooling a little. What's even more disgraceful is that the people that use this meaningless phrase nine times out of ten think saying it makes them sound sophisticated. You may or may not be fucking retarded.... No, I take that back. It's certain.
People who have a better way than you to do EVERYTHING. You'll be sitting there, bored, with a piece of bubble wrap, popping the bubbles, and this fucker sees you and says, "Lemme see that. You gotta do it like this!" This is the same asshole who sees you putting lights on the Christmas tree and tries to "help you do it right" until you want to wrap the lights around his neck and strangle him.
Guys who can't go more than fifteen minutes without brushing their hair. Ironically, this seems to be a mental disorder that particularly afflicts guys whose hair is only 1/4 of an inch long. Look, you preening shitheads. Your hair DOES NOT MOVE. It CANNOT tangle. If you didn't brush it for a week it would look EXACTLY the same as it does right now.
Parents who intentionally misspell their children's names to be "creative" (Read: "pretentious"). Look. Ashlee is a MISSPELLING of "Ashley." Same goes for Jennee, Mayree, Chrystine, Christyne, Kymberlie, Rebeccah, Aimee, Kristyn, Sharyn, Karyn, etc.
People who give their children names that they themselves are incapable of pronouncing correctly. Jonathan is not pronounced JAAN-AH-TAAN. If this is how you pronounce it, pick something else. Also, Duane is a ONE SYLLABLE NAME. There is no such name that is pronounced DOO-WAYNE.
People, particularly in the work place, who think that the best way to get a hold of someone is simply to stay right where they are and yell. Bob is working and it strikes him that he needs to ask Dave a question. Dave's desk is in another room halfway down the hall. Dave has a phone on his desk. Bob could also walk to Dave in about fifteen seconds. Apparently Bob does not understand the complexities of operating a telephone and has feet that are rooted to the floor. All across the office the sound can be heard.... "DAAAAAAAAAAAAVVEE!"
People who try to spur conversation by talking about the weather. Yes, I know that silence makes some people uncomfortable, and that the weather is a generic thing that we can all relate to regardless of our class, beliefs, interests, etc. but is that ALL you can think of to talk about? How uncreative. Hot in July? No shit? Cold in February? Who would have guessed? Look, if the weather is doing something extraordinary, I can understand people feeling a need to talk about it. If you're just trying to break the silence, just fart or something. It would be as creative and meaningful as saying, "Boy, we sure got a lot of rain this week." When the landscape is dotted with thousands of tornados made of flying carpet tacks, broken whiskey bottles and gorilla feces, then yes, I would like to discuss what's up with the weather.
Amazon.com "Suggestions." Could they be any more wrong? I order a Skinny Puppy CD and suddenly I'm a Korn fan? I order a Lewis Black CD and suddenly I must think Jeff Foxworthy is awesome? The only comedy I have ever ordered on Amazon was one Lewis Black CD. Now they make sure to tell me anytime Adam Sandler releases something. Let me explain something that I think is pretty basic. Lewis Black is hilarious. Adam Sandler is a retard. If what you glean from me liking Lewis Black is that I think Adam Sandler is awesome, then you're seriously stupid. How many Adam Sandler items do I have to rate "I hate it" before they see the common thread? "Hmmm... you like Lewis Black, right? Well then, I've got just the thing! Billy Madison!" "I hate it." "Oh, ok then... Let's see what else we have... Lewis Black is pretty funny, right? Well if you think he's funny, then you're just GOT to see "Little Nicky!" "I hate it." "50 First Dates?" "I hate it." "SNL Best of Adam Sandler?" "I hate it." "Big Daddy?" "I hate it." "Happy Gilmore?" "I hate it." "The Waterboy?" "I hate it." "Hmmmm... You hate The Waterboy and yet, you like Lewis Black? Now I'm totally confused.... Oh wait! Of course! Mr. Deeds!" "I hate it." "Hmmm... Ok... Let's try something else. You love Limp Bizkit, right?" "I hate it." "No you don't! Don't lie! It says right here that you like Nine Inch Nails, so it just follows that you think Limp Bizkit rocks!"
Americans who say "Ciao" in any tone other than gratingly sarcastic. These are the same pretentious dorks who do that fake "mwah" kiss on the cheek when they greet a friend. Guess what. Europe is OVER THERE, and try as you may, we will never be European. You're not chic, you're full of shit.
Freaks who still don't have an answering machine.
Amnesia used as a key plot device in TV shows and movies. "Who am I? Where am I? Why did these poor people pay good money to see this idiotic cliche?" Seriously, have you ever met anyone who had amnesia? I know I sure as fuck haven't. It's like these lazy writers came up with some unbelievable premise that could never really happen in real life and the ONLY way to make it work is for someone to CONVENIENTLY have amnesia. How can these fuckers use a disorder that strikes few enough people that I've never heard of anyone in real life having it as a plot loophole in an absurdly large number of movies and shows? Some people reading this will say, "But the US Army said that Jessica Lynch had amnesia about her capture and rescue in Iraq." To them I say, I REST MY CASE.
The total lack of security in using credit cards and personal checks. We're told that we're supposed to keep our credit card and checking account numbers secret. We shred our bank statements in a cross-cutter and not a regular shredder, and count ourselves smart for averting the catastrophy of someone going through our trash and meticulously taping all those little strips of paper together. We use Paypal as a proxy to ensure that some scammer on Ebay doesn't have access to our credit card numbers. When the bank sends us our new credit cards when our old ones expire, we feel like we're astute when we chop the old ones into chunks only a few molecules in size. Yet there it is, everytime we make a credit card purchase or write a personal check: our account numbers, completely unencrypted, plainly readable by anyone, without even the illusion of protection that an electronic reading device would offer. What the fuck kind of Barney Fife Mayberry naive bullshit security is this? All that stands between Joe Schmoe retail employee, unhappily making six dollars an hour, and ALL of the money in your checking account is the fucking HONOR SYSTEM. What kind of high tech device does he need to rob you blind? A pencil. What's their idea of an added security feature? They add a liittle code number on the back of the card, which I guess they think looks like blurry wavy lines to anyone other than the owner. I guess they figure people bent on committing credit card fraud haven't mastered the ability to flip a card over and write down a three digit number.
People who leave me voicemail who drone on and on and meander for ten minutes and then when they get to the ONLY information that I really need, their number, they spout it out in 1/32nd of a second like a goddamn auctioneer so I have to go back and listen to the entire rambling fucking message over and over with a pen in my hand like a cowboy in a quickdraw trying in vain to catch the number blurt.
"Hi, this is Lah-Dee-Dah in the Blah Blah Blah department and I was wondering... maybe if there was a possibility... that maybe... if it's possible we could possibly change our meeting time. We were talking to some of the people in the group and we thought maybe... Monday might not be the best time and we were considering maybe... if it's possible, to maybe change the meeting to Tuesday... because they think maybe they won't be in on Monday and that maybe Tuesday might be better... if you have anything open possibly for Tuesday. I told them I would get back to them... so maybe if you could possibly get back to me I would really appreciate it... because they would like for me to confirm that they can change their meeting to Tuesday... not Monday because that would be better... if it's possible. So if you could get back to me that would be great. I'm Lah-Dee-Dah at the Blah Blah Blah Department. If you could get back to me... I'd appreciate it.... about the meeting being changed to Tuesday from Monday. You can reach me at TWONTWOFISENFORFI(GARBLE)TWO. This is Lah-Dee-Dah. Please call me back... about the meeting... on Tuesday."
*Scribble-scribble*... "FUCK!" *Boop*
"Hi, this is Lah-Dee-Dah in the Blah Blah Blah Department and I was wondering...".
People who own two CD's... and only play one of them... over, and over, and over, and over. I had this friend who really loved The Pixies, but apparently not enough to buy more than one of their CD's. He'd blast this one CD over and over on his shitty little pingy treble terror car stereo at full volume. Now, I USED to like The Pixies. I kind of liked that they had a sort of grating, irritating sound. I even went to see them live on their last tour and had a laugh when Kim Deal was too drunk to play. But after being subjected to countless hours of, "I GOT A BROKEN FACE!!! Uh-huh!" hearing them just makes me bloodthirsty.
The fact that the corporate office sends me about 25-30 emails a day, addressed to everyone in the entire company, that have absolutely NOTHING to do with me. Then, about once every couple of months, about the interval that I receive an email actually TO me, I get a phone call from some manager all personally insulted that I didn't respond. Well, gee. I'm sorry I didn't sit there and stare at my inbox waiting for that one in a thousand emails that isn't about pureyors I don't use, schedules of managers who I haven't even met, handy tips from some calendar of "tips for the day" of the "A smile let's the customer know you care" variety or other assorted irrelevant fluff.
Depicting blacks as violent criminals in TV, music videos and movies (white director): Racist and unacceptable, director MUST apologize.
Depicting blacks as violent criminals in TV, music videos and movies (black director): Box office smash.
Depicting whites as stupid, bossy nerds with no style in TV, music videos and movies (black director): Comedy Gold.
49 year old women who think they're sexy teenie bopper jailbait, and dress accordingly.
People arranging meetings that set the gathering time 30-45 minutes ahead of when they actually need you there. Example: My company decided to waste one of my saturdays with some bogus team spirit type meeting. You know, because slapping an alarm clock at 4am on a day that I'm usually free to wake up at 11 really fills me with spirit. They also decided to have it way out in the middle of fucking nowhere and chartered a bus to get there. I guess New York City doesn't have a lot of places to hold a meeting or something. They sent memos every other day for two months reminding everyone that the bus would be leaving at 6:30am. So, from 6:20 to 7:00 I sat in this fucking bus, hungry, tired and freezing my ass off, since apparently it's an industry standard in the airline and charter bus industries to air condition their cabins to the point that frost starts forming on widows. If anyone is fucked up enough to need to be kept this cold to be comfortable, that's their problem, so fuck 'em. Back on topic. So I'm sitting in this fucking bus for 40 minutes because some asshole in charge of planning assumed everyone would be late. Thanks. I appreciate the confidence. I could have gotten another 40 minutes of sleep, or maybe grabbed some breakfast, but no, instead I have to sit here like a putz in a freezing motionless bus. THEN, at 6:55 some fuckhead showed up for the bus, which, no doubt in the minds of the organizers 100 percent justified scheduling it to include a "waste everyone's time to wait for the one late asshole" gap. Bullshit. If you're supposed to catch a bus at 6:30 and you show up at 6:55, then guess what! NO BUS FOR YOU, FUCKTARD! The only thing you ensure by scheduling a late idiot buffer is that next time, everyone on the bus will now assume that 6:30 isn't firm. Know why this ass didn't turn back towards home when they were still en route past 6:30? Because they were smart enough to guess that the people in charge would factor in a 30 minute late idiot buffer. Not leaving them behind only fucking encourages everyone to not give a shit in the future. You can bet that next time I won't be in such a rush. If they do leave without me, I'm sure it will break my heart to grab the next train home and get another 3 hours of sleep before my day of playing videogames.
People who are either legitimately as dense as a bunker wall, or pretend to be when they don't get their way. Today one of my employees came to me in a rage over me supposedly ripping him off on his paycheck. His first complaint was that he should have five hours of overtime and didn't. The second complaint was that his hours didn't add up to what he claimed they should have. When I finally got him to stop having a conniption and show me his pay stub, I saw no discrepancies between his time card and his paycheck.
"It shows here that you worked 37 hours plus there was a paid holiday on Monday."
"But where's my overtime?!"
"You worked 37 hours. You have to actually work more than 40 in a week to get time and a half. Monday was a paid holiday. You only get overtime for hours you actually worked. You don't get five hours of overtime. The holiday doesn't count as hours worked."
"So what about my overtime?"
"We worked four days last week, right?"
(Stops to think for a frighteningly long time.) "Uhhh. Yeah."
"And in those four days you worked 37 hours, right?" I make a point of holding the pay stub and time card next to each other to point out that they reflect exactly the same data.
(He stares at them for a long, long, LONG time) "Uhhh... But where's my overtime?"
"You don't have any. You worked less than forty hours. See?"
More scutinizing. "But I worked until 7 on Friday!"
"No, you clocked out at 5:45. See?"
He has a really confused look on his face as he stares hard at the time card. At this point, he reaches for the card so he can hold it himself.
"See?"
Confused look.
"17:75 is 5:45. You worked a regular day plus 15 minutes that day. See? 8:25 hours worked Friday. Right there."
"But where's my overtime? This isn't right! I should get five hours overtime!"
"You only get overtime if you WORK over 40 hours. You WORKED 37." At this point I'm angrier than he is by a long shot.
"Yeah, but that still comes up to 45 hours! See? 37 plus 8!"
I say it really, really slowly so it has time to absorb. "You... only... get... overtime... if... you... actually... work... more... than... forty... hours. You... WORKED... 37. That ...8...right...there...is.... a paid... holiday... and... does... not .... count... towards... overtime.... since.... you.... did.... not.... work... on... Monday."
Confused look.
"You didn't work on Monday. Last Monday was a holiday, remember?"
"Yeah."
"See, there's the eight hours paid for the holiday."
Confused look. "But what about my extra hours for Friday?"
"Your extra 15 minutes?"
"I was here until 7."
"You punched out for the day at 5:45. See? 17.75."
Confused look.
"But even then that should still be 15 minutes of overtime."
"Overtime kicks in after 40 hours in a week, not after 8 hours in a day."
Super-confused look.
"Look. You worked 37 hours. That's regular time - not time and a half. You were paid 8 hours of holiday pay. Do you understand?"
"Yeah, I guess so," he says in a tone that transparently says that even still he thinks he was ripped off and will probably call the labor board.
Encores at rock concerts. It's the same every time. The band plays all their major songs except their two most notable. Then they go offstage but the house lights aren't illuminated. For the next three minutes the crowd stamps their feet and goes, "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Then, big fucking surprise, the band comes out and plays a couple more songs, complete with unique multimedia visualizations. What is an encore? It's an impromptu thanks for being a great audience. If the encore is originally PLANNED as part of the show, then where's the bonus? You just wanted to make the crowd work to get to hear the last two songs of the play list.
People who won't shut up about their kids for five seconds. OK! YOU LOVE YOUR KIDS! WE GET IT! UNCLE! Look. EVERYONE loves their kids. There are fifty bazillion kids teeming out of fifty bazillion vaginas and begging for fifty bazillion Pokemons. THEY AREN'T ALL SPECIAL AND AMAZING MIRACLES. 6.5 billion human beings and more and more every minute! Guess what! THEY AREN'T ALL SPECIAL! Your child is not Jesus fucking Christ. The world is not a 100% better place because he exists. There are not people in China who go to sleep at night filled with joy and comfort in the knowledge that you were able to squeeze some semen out of a penis. That's a really hard thing to do, by the way. Getting knocked up - now that takes SKILL. You call your babysitter 20 times a day to see what they're doing, what they're wearing, how long it's been since they shat in their diaper, the consistency and color of aforementioned shit, what they've eaten, how much they've eaten and how often. Is something like "is he wearing the orange jacket or the blue one" really important enough to stop what you're doing at work to call home and check? If the kid's warm either way, and you aren't even there to see him, is the world going to be a better place if he's wearing the orange one? Look. We know you love your kids. You tell us you love your kids so often its nauseating. 9 out of 10 sentences that come out of your mouth contain the kids' names. Your kids might be the center of your otherwise meaningless existence, but let me give you a clue. Nobody else gives a shit. I know lots of people that have kids. Is that all we talk about? NO. Do they love their kids any less than you love yours? No. Think about it this way. I love my mom. It's perfectly normal, acceptable and healthy that I love my mom. If I let you know that I love my mom with every third thing I say, tell strangers at the grocery store about how great my mom is, cover my desk with 20 framed pictures of my mom, update them weekly and make a retarded show of little goo-goo faces at them when people are around, email my friends and coworkers the 25 pictures I took of my mom on that particular day, call home twenty times a day just to make sure my mom is happy and safe and entertained, try to get off work early every day and try to get frequent days off from work just so I can go home and hang out with my mom, and call everyone I know 4 or 5 times every single day just to chit chat about the amazingly clever thing my wonderful mom said, it's definitely no longer healthy. Being a good parent doesn't mean being FIXATED. Not everything your child says is brilliant. Your child is not the most beautiful creature that has ever lived on the planet earth. Want to know a secret? People tell you your kid has beautiful eyes because they can't be bothered think of anything more interesting to say and know you will believe it and take it seriously. 90% of young children have big, deep eyes and 100% of them have moms who will take is as a heartfelt compliment. We're totally insincere. WE SAY THAT TO EVERY MOM, JUST TO BE NICE. GET OVER IT.
Headphones that are designed, not for audio fidelity and comfort, but to look really unusual. "Hey, check out my new headphones! Sure, they feel like they're drilling a hole in the rim of my ear canal, and there's no isolation so everyone around me can hear my music, and I can hear everything going on around me over the sound of the music, and they sound like complete distorted treble dogshit with only the tiniest inkling of bass, which is distorted and farty sounding, but they look really fuckin' cool, huh!"
Girls with really nice tits who wear tops specifically designed to show over 94 percent of their surface area, who get annoyed when they catch guys looking at them. Look. You're providing the eye-full. Don't get pissed that it catches the eyes of guys other than those you think are hot. That's like shoving a piece of chocolate in someone's mouth and then covering their mouth with your palm so they can't spit it out and then getting pissed off when they taste chocolate. Farout concept time. Guys like tits. You intentionally flaunt your tits with the intent of turning guys on and guess what. Guys look at them. Who would have guessed? Cause-Effect realationship in a can.
Toilets that flush like they don't mean it. Great! You're conserving water. Uhhh... Would you mind if we also made the turd go away? Please?
People who think of french fries as a means of transporting the maximum amount of ketchup into their mouth as possible. Just use a spoon. Even if you get a nice spoon, it's reusable, so in the long run it's cheaper.
Windows Remote Desktop caching system. "Uh-oh! He typed the word 'and!' I'd better re-draw the entire desktop three or four times to make sure I've got it right. Otherwise, he might actually be able to enjoy actual realtime access. Surely, the fact that he set it to 8-bit color with image caching and no sound transferring couldn't mean he's on dialup. Hmmm.. I'd better re-draw the page a few more times to make sure. Whoah! Stop typing! I haven't refreshed that 'and' yet! Here! Stare at this hourglass for a while! Patience is a virtue!" (This modest sized post edited in about ten minutes via Windows Remote Desktop)
People with absolutely no concept of personal space. There is a guy I work with who thinks that a comfortable speaking distance is about four inches. This obnoxious behavior is complimented by the fact that he spits when he talks and has nose hair like tarantula legs. When he talks to me, I move away. Then he moves forward to bridge the gap. Then I move back, and he keeps doing the same thing over and over, no matter how many times I move back. Then I think I'm getting wise and move back but leave my foot protruding somewhat unnaturally in front of me with my weight on my back foot, but he counters this by simply stepping on my foot. At other times, he believes he is a ghost, able to pass through solid objects and people. If you have to work next to him for any longer than five minutes, you can expect at least once to be run over. His path doesn't veer even slightly to clear you. If Point B is directly behind you, expect for him to walk straight towards it, knocking you back, or at the very least, stepping on your feet with all of his weight, and he's no fluttering butterfly.
"Universal" remote controls. Yes, I am aware that for forty bazillion dollars, you can buy touch-screen remote controls that easily control everything in your entertainment center once they've been properly configured, but everything else, particularly the remotes that come packaged with every DVD player, CD player, TV, VCR, etc. which are touted as being universal are anything but. For instance, my TV came packaged with a "universal" remote. Sure, it can get to all the functions on the TV, and, if properly programmed, can operate the DVD player's transport controls, but let's see it bring up the DVD player's menu, or skip disks or operate the VCR if it's programmed for the DVD player. If it can't perform those simple tasks, then it's not fucking universal. If I still have to have three or four remotes on my coffee table, then none of them can be called universal.
Hipsters who don't see the extreme irony in calling themselves nonconformists while wearing nothing but clothes from the mall's four hipster nonconformist clothes stores. If Hot Topic has it, it's officially no longer unique.
The fact that Coca-Cola still hasn't gotten over officially forfeiting the 80's Cola Wars to Pepsi by STILL putting "Classic" on every logo. For those of you who are either too young, or smoked too much pot to remember, for a few years solid in the 80's, Pepsi and Coke jointly engaged in all kinds of stupid promotions and taste tests and absurd hokum to prove what is obvious bullshit, that these two practically identical products are vastly different from each other, and that liking the wrong one makes you a gay communist with AIDS... choice 80's insults all 'round. Of course, like every single thing that happened between December 31, 1979 and January 1, 1990, this got an obscene amount of media attention and everyone went fucking apeshit, drawing their allegiances and acting as stupid as possible over something completely trivial. In the end, Coke conceded, and in what's possibly the dumbest business move in history, they changed their formula to taste like a crappier version of Pepsi. What happened? More absurd hysteria. Star-Bellied Sneech Pepsi fans kept drinking Pepsi as they scoffed at the "New Coke," drinkers, who had no stars upon thar's. Then the people who liked the old Coke threw a shit fit and demanded that Coke change the flavor back. So eventually Coke released Coca-Cola Classic, which was just the old flavor, trying to hail it as a victory, citing that their drinkers were so loyal that they would petition them to just go back to the non-Pepsi-esque flavor. Look. If Wayne Newton totally changed his image, his fans would complain. It wouldn't mean he didn't suck, because he will always suck. If someone LIKES the way you suck, it doesn't mean you don't suck. So, for a while, Coke carried both"New Coke" and "Coke Classic," until they finally figured out that Pepsi drinkers would keep drinking Pepsi even though it cost a few cents more in the grocery store, and they finally dropped "New Coke." What they didn't drop was that stupid "Classic" logo. What morons. Why not wave a flag that reads, "Coca-Cola: Pepsi made us its bitch! Enjoy our second-place flavor! Hey, at least we're better than R.C."
People who write venomously negative reviews for movies, cd's, videogames, etc. because they aren't exactly the same as existing stuff. If it's not different, then what's the point of making it at all? "I hate the new Skinny Puppy cd. It doesn't sound like their old stuff." If all they can do is carbon-copy their past work, then they shouldn't release a new album at all.
People who, when they can't think of a single intelligent thing to say in an argument, still use retarded "your mom" insults thinking that they're the ultimate stab. You fucked my mom? Lucky you. She's 59. Who are you trying to insult, me or yourself? You really "0wned" me there, retard. Brag some more about your sexual escapades with a post-menopausal woman.
Videogames where the programmers in charge of modeling got lazy, so they use the same model for eighteen different creatures and just give them different names and stats. In Final Fantasy Online, they have Bumblebees, Killer Bees, Giant Bees, Giddeus Bees, Huge Wasps, Death Wasps, Huge Hornets, Burrowing Wasps, Goblins' Bees, Dishwashing Bees, Mormon Bees, Lazy TV Watching Hornets, Alternative Lifestyle Bees, Tourettes Syndrome Obscenity Screaming Bees, Balding and In Denial Wasps and Meter Maid Bees, among many others. Virtually every area in the game has its own version of the EXACT SAME BEE. It wouldn't be so bad of it was just the bees, but practically every enemy in the game has at least a dozen versions that all look exactly the same.
Pathologically distrusting people. Look. There are a lot of people that you will meet in life that will try to pull one over on you. There are a lot more that won't. The world isn't out to rip you off. Street smarts are good to have. Paranoia isn't. You'll be behind one of these guys at the grocery store who's buying a few small things totaling $4.27 plus tax. He hands the clerk a five dollar bill. She hands him back his change and his receipt. Immediately you can see his mind start to work. He thumbs through the coins in his hand. He looks at his receipt. He doesn't put anything in his pockets or move out of the line, just in case he needs to dispute something with the cashier. "Was the Pepsi taxable? I was thinking those chips were $1.39 but they rang up as $1.59. Hmmm... What's the current sales tax? Was it 8.25% or 8.75%? Hmmmm," he ponders as he continues thumbing through his change and meticulously scrutinizing his receipt. When the cashier asks if everything is ok, he sighs and scratches his head. "Yeah, I guess so." As he walks out the door, he's still analyzing his receipt and trying to figure out percentages in his head. If he needs to worry about losing a couple of pennies, he has far bigger problems to worry about than someone trying to rob him. I'm sure the cashier eyed him as a fat trout, the "Big Score" that was going to bankroll her Porsche and summer home on the Florida Coast, in four to six cent increments. I'm not advocating being a sucker. Make sure they dot the I's and cross the T's on a real estate deal. Be on your guard at the used car dealership. Don't be a dick by trifling over petty pennies and nickels.
Pathologically crooked people who help create the people described above. These opportunists look for any way they can find to get more than their fair share, all the time, as if by instinct, regardless of who they have to step on. These are the employers whose employees always find lots of surprises on their pay stubs, like breaks they never took, overtime pay "accidentally" paid at the regular rate, vacation days "accidentally" used to pay sick days and any number of other assorted "mistakes" that all too conveniently always benefit the employer rather than the employee. These are the boyfriends and girlfriends who always have a little something on the side. These are the diners who never seem to end up paying their share of the bill and the restaurants that fill cups up to the rim with ice before filling them with soda, then charge for refills. These are the realtors who make sure to give the basement a fresh coat of paint to conceal the fact that it turns into a marsh every time it rains. These are the roommates who view their cohabitants' cd and dvd collections as Ebay goldmines. These people all need to be buried alive in a pit with spent nuclear fuel rods.
Black guys who try to do scary Ted Koppel looking stuff with their hair. C'mon, guys. Even white people's hair was never meant to do that shit.
Women who misunderstand the notion of "Equal Rights" to mean that they get all the benefits that men have historically had, and yet share none of the responsibilities and don't offer even the least bit of mutual respect. Equal Rights does not mean that all men are idiotic scum, but they still better open the door for you. Generally speaking, most men still attempt to impress women by being gentlemen, so you can still expect them to offer a certain amount of door holding, chair pushing, etc. Look. If you're in the kitchen, three feet from the fridge, EN ROUTE to the living room, and your boyfriend / husband asks you if you wouldn't mind bringing him a drink, acting like he's degrading you is fucking absurd. We'd do it for you without a lecture on justice and freedom. Stonewalling for no reason when being considerate is just as easy doesn't make you strong and progressive, it makes you an ASSHOLE. This lady I know spends half the day on the phone nagging her husband about everything from getting the car washed to picking up the kids from school to getting groceries, LIKE HE DOESN'T KNOW that he needs to pick up the kids. Every single conversation begins, not with "Hi, honey," but with "Where are you?" and it's not meant as a legitimate concern for him, but rather as a status report on his assignments. She also does pretty much whatever she wants, with only a NOTICE to her husband that she's going to be late coming home. The tone is always "I'm going out. Deal with it." Then one day she was on the war path because her husband told her that he wanted to go out for a couple of drinks with the guys later in the week after work, and her mumbled response after she hung up the phone was "If he thinks he can do whatever he wants, he's gonna get my foot up his ass." WAY TO KEEP IT EQUAL, YOU MANIPULATIVE CUNT! I suppose to an extent it's the guy''s fault for putting up with it, but women with this attitude about their "equality'" seem to be growing in number.
Ghetto ice cube earrings. Oh yeah, we all think those huge, cloudy blocks of glass on your ears are real diamonds. You've totally got us all fooled by the bling bling you snagged out of your grandmother's costume jewelry box. As we all know, guys rich enough to afford eight carat diamond earrings usually make a habit of hanging out on the corner in the South Bronx. Notice how nobody is mugging you?
Televisions whose ads boast "virtual surround sound." Know what sounds like speakers behind you? Speakers behind you. You're not fooling anyone by boosting the bass and adding some weird reverb effect. Oh, wow! An echo! That means it's behind me!
People who are regulars at restaurants that they seem to think are lousy. It's like they go just because they enjoy having something to bitch about. When I worked at a hotel, one old couple comes to mind that would come to the restaurant and gripe about the food, the wait staff, the menu, the furnishings, the hostess, the buffet, the parking lot... EVERYTHING! Yet, as terrible as we supposedly were, it didn't keep them from coming to eat at least FOUR OR FIVE DAYS A WEEK. Don't like our restaurant? Fine. Then GET THE FUCK OUT AND NEVER COME BACK!
These blind assholes who think that being against Bush is the same thing as being for terrorists and that being against the war in Iraq is the same thing as being for Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. The fact that the news media lumps the war in Iraq together with the "War on Terror" (an absurd concept all by itself not to mention that the two are completely mutually exclusive) should be the biggest eye-opener ever for those idiots who for some fabricated reason think the media is liberal. Just because Dick Cheney says 9/11 was connected to Iraq doesn't mean it's true, especially when overwhelming evidence points to the completely opposite conclustion. The media is liberal? Since when? For every one liberal pundit you can name on talk radio or tv, I'll name three conservatives, and most of the right wingers I name will be touted by their host stations as being fair and unbiased. Bill O'Rielley's NO SPIN zone? HAHAHAHAH ! That's a good one! He has the BALLS to say "No Spin" when everything that comes out of his mouth has a steep right wing slant. How is he the "No Spin" guy when he defends every single one of the President's idiotic policies and actions tooth and nail while slamming anyone who DARES to criticize him? That's what "spin" is, ASSHOLE. His whole show is him trying to indoctrinate people with his opinion rather than give them every angle of an argument. He lets guests he agrees with rattle on incessantly, while guests he disagrees with get interrupted every five seconds, get intentionally cut off by commercial breaks, and literally get told to shut up as their microphones get turned off. Scarborough Country? Boy, I'm fucking glad I don't live there!
Codecs. Look. Before all you hyper-picky meticulous codec nerds lay into me, yes, I know that computer audio and video have greatly improved in the past few years. Has it improved immensely, rapidly enough to warrant having to download new software for every third video I come across online? NO! NO IT HAS NOT! "Well, duh... Of course you can't play that video! You need Divx decompressor version 8.4615 rev. K. You have 8.4612 rev. F. Is that too difficult to understand? Your version came out more than two weeks ago! Geez, man! Keep up with the times!"
People who think Bob Marley was a truly amazing and inspired human being and buy all his CD's, plaster their dorm rooms with posters and wear t-shirts with his likeness - not that they ever really took an interest in reggae, but primarily because he smoked a lot of pot, and pot = rad, dude!
The fact that the media pays almost no attention to problems that need fixing unless it's someone who "NEEDS A MAKEOVER." Thanks for your always-shallow approach on everything, you cartoonish idiots.
People who put on a big show and make "eww gross" faces when I'm eating a steak that's not extra-extra well-burnt to a cinder, as though I'm some kind of sick, vampiric animal. I don't even eat meat rare. I usually get it medium/medium rare, and invariably there's some uncultured idiot who sees the slightest tinge of pink and curls his lip up as though it's a raw, living aorta rhythmically spurting blood. Look, I have this amazing thing called an immune system that allows me to eat a decent fucking steak that's tender and flavorful and has actual juice - yes, even juice, without fearing that I'm going to catch some hideous infection. If you're too paranoid to realize that you, too have an immune system, then you're the one who's sick and stupid, so shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my meal. If you're dumb enough to order a well-well done filet mignon, and then send it back because it's just shy of being a goddamn charcoal briquette, then you really ought to save your money and eat at McDonalds, or better yet, just eat some fucking sawdust. Sawdust might actually be juicier. "But, Neg! What about Mad Cow disease?" The fact that so many people cite this as a reason to overcook meat completely reinforces exactly how ignorant they are. The reason to cook meat, other than an excuse for macho cavemen to buy Weber grills with a thousand bells and whistles that they won't even use, is to kill germs and parasites. But get this, Mad Cow isn't even fucking caused by germs or parasites, but by things called prions that CANNOT BE KILLED because they technically aren't alive to begin with. Yes, indeed. You can fire your mad cow burger into the goddamn sun, and while the burger itself will vaporize, the prions will still be there! "Yeah, but what about staph infection, which is one of the most common forms of food borne illness?" Wow! You're stupid again! Staph Aureus is a bacteria that lives all over living things. The mouth breathing zit popper fixing you burger in the back has it all over his hands. If he handles your burger, and then leaves it sitting at a temperature between 40 and 140 degrees for longer than a few minutes, the bacteria will multiply rapidly. The punchline is that the bacteria itself is not what's bad for you. What's bad for you is a toxin they leave behind as a waste product. Once again, this toxin CANNOT BE COOKED AWAY. You can scorch the living shit out of your burger in a glass-blowing furnace, killing every single staph germ, and guess what - you're every bit as fucked as you would be eating it medium rare. So burning the meat you eat does NOTHING to save you from the ailments you fear most when eating meat that's cooked so it actually still tastes good. If you're stupid enough to think that eating everything burnt to a crisp is going to save your life, then you're stupid enough to be high on Darwin's hit list anyway. The strong survive. The weak think they can cook prions away.
People who try to down-play how shitty a shitty neighborhood is by hyping crap like "Rich Cultural Diversity.
"See, this graffiti is a perfect example of the residents' deeply rooted motivation for artistic expression, and youth's urge to not be confined by society's limitations on creative freedom."
"Really? Wow! I never knew how ignorant I was about these people's rich culture. And here all this time I thought that spraying a bunch of permanent spray paint scribbles all over a building or vehicle that someone else owns, without permission, to mark territory or proclaim gang affiliation was called VANDALISM and DESTRUCTION OF PRIVATE PROPERTY, which is sorta-kinda a CRIME which completely disregards the rights of property owners, drives down the property value all over the neighborhood, and actually encourages criminal behavior through peer pressure. Thanks for opening my eyes with your idiotic glass-is-always-half-full ideology."
Microsoft Word's prudish spellcheck. If you write "Fuck" in Word, it knows it's a real word and will not mark it as misspelled. It recognizes what word it is and knows it exists. If you write "Fukk," it knows that this is "Fuck" misspelled, because it marks it as a misspelled word. When you click on it to see suggestions, it doesn't offer any suggestions, even though it knows what word you intended. Know what I have to say about the programmers that decided to make it like that? Fuk you motherfcuking aasholes. Yeah, you know what I just said - admit it.
The fact that The US is basically a society that shuns porn, yet when some R-rated fictional movie ABOUT porn or the adult entertainment industry comes out, like Flashdance, The Girl Next Door, Striptease, Boogie Nights, Show Girls, etc. they hype the shit out of it and everyone goes to see it regardless of how bad it is. They have Demi Moore on every talk show with the hosts always doing this fake, rehearsed psuedo-careful line of questioning asking them what it was like to play such a (gasp) HOT, SENSUAL, almost even OBSCENE role. Dave Letterman will mop the sweat off his forehead with a cloth and do that stupid "loosening his collar" thing with his finger as he makes lots of seventh grade level horny not so witty witticisms about the sparce and not-even risque "adult scenes" in the movie, which are about as hardcore as Maxim at best. The annoying ad-bar on MSN Messenger will flash that they have an interview with Elisha Cuthbert (no, don't bother remembering this flavor-of-the-minute's name) about her *QUOTATION MARKS* X-rated *CLOSE QUOTATION MARKS* role. Oh boy! Adult-ISH entertainment! Let me grab some lube and a bag of popcorn and see which one sees more use. (The smart money's on either the popcorn or the fast-forward button on the remote.)
People who leave something in your personal space that they intend to take home "sometime" and then leave it there FOREVER. A while back there was this meeting that left behind an assload of three ring binders to just be thrown away. There is a lady that comes in twice a week to use my computer to do our accounting. She grabbed about a dozen of these binders and put them in two big shopping bags with her name written on them, to take home "later." So for four months they have sat under my desk, occupying about two thirds of the available leg room. Why don't I throw them away? Because I know that as soon as I toss them, She's going to come to me with, "Have you seen my binders? I was going to take them home."
Update 6/10/04: So, five months had passed and the binders still sat under my desk. Then yesterday, my boss came to me and asked, "Do you by any chance have any three ring binders?"
I said, "Why, yes. Yes I do." So I gave him the binders. We were both filled with glee. No, seriously. We both just sat there catatonic with insane toothy grins on our faces for the next seven and a half hours.
Then today, the accounting lady came in. Before she even said good morning, she stopped, looked under the desk, looked around, looked under the desk, looked in the trash can, looked under the desk, looked in the store room, looked under the desk, looked at me and said, "What happened to my binders?"
"Well, they sat there for five months so we used them."
"But they were mine. It wasn't five months. I was going to take them home today." Y'know... being absolutely right sucks sometimes.
Brat creators.
I was on the train today and there was this young mother whose four and five year old sons had her completely wrapped around their fingers. They would fight and play and scream and run around, bumping into and annoying the living shit out of everyone. All the mother would do to control the situation was occasionally half-heartedly say, "Shhhh. Sit down, boys. Stop bothering those people. Come on. Stop fighting like that."
The boys, of course, completely ignored her and kept tearing around as though she wasn't even there. Did she issue the cold slap of the Knuckles of Enforcement? No. Instead the four year old issued an ultimatum. Pretending to heed one of his mother's pleas, he snapped back with, "Well, then give me some candy." Yes, indeed. The four year old child is telling his mother how it's going to be.
"No, honey."
"Mommm, give me some candy!"
"No."
"Mommyyyyy, please?"
"No."
(Jumping up and down)"Gimme some candyyyy!!!"
"No."
"Mommy, gimme!!!"
"No."
"Candy, Mommy, gimme!!!" (Fake crying voice.)
"OK." (Gives the kid some candy.) The other brat whips his hand out for his share, and the mother instantly complies like a fucking puppet. The kids immediately resume being complete fuckheads, but now they're fuckheads with candy. Great job idiot. Way to take control of the situation. Your kids have now learned that the bigger brats they are, the more you'll reward them, even when they don't hold up their end of the bargain. No doubt this argument has played out in your household many times to the same conclusion. Are you really so inept at child psychology that a couple of little brats can manipulate you to their own liking whenever they want?
People who think that the fact that they don't agree with the message an artist is conveying makes that person not an artist.
Stiff lipped business suit executive types that have framed pictures of themselves in their offices showing them jokingly hiding under their desks or making screwball faces in a lame attempt to pretend that they're normal, fun-loving people, and not the alienating, frigid, inhuman tight-asses that they really are. Who do you think you're fooling? If silliness is such a rare occurance with you that someone feels the need to make it a staged photo-op, go out and buy a nice frame, and then have you display it in your office, then it's only too obvious that you're never really like that. Everyone already knows you're not an easy going everyman, so just be a creepy, bloodless, humorless, robotic drone and cut the phony act.
People who defend total assholes by saying, "Well, he's a really sweet guy once you get to know him." No, see, if you have to hang out with someone for long periods of time, something made excruciatingly difficult because he's such an insufferable prick, to see the slightest glimmer of humanity, then sorry, he's an asshole. If you think he's cool, that's because you're a terrible judge of character, and he's nice to you because even assholes get lonely. Either that or you're so lonely yourself that you overlook his glaring personality flaws, because even the friendship of a dickhead is preferable to no friendship at all. Or maybe you're just an asshole yourself and looking for a bird of a feather with whom to flock together. Maybe you're such an asshole that lesser assholes seem charming.
Novice computer users who hear some computer term that they somewhat kinda sorta comprehend and then use it for everything. "Could you download me that picture you took of me at the party? Do you know how to download these mp3's on my desktop to a CD so I can play them on my walkman? I finished my report. Now I need to download it to my boss."
That moment of judgment when a musician is trying to write a song and thinks, "Hmmm... This song is ok, but it's missing something. What would give it that special element that it needs to make it a great song rather than just an OK song?... I know! a HARMONICA SOLO!"
The retarded ghetto practice of referring to women as "females." "Yo, dawg! Where all the females at?" The last time I checked, adult female humans were called women or ladies. Don't you have any inkling as to how disrestpectful you sound? Are women female? Of course. If you're going to refer to women as females, you may as well go for the dehumanized package deal and say that you're looking for one to BREED with. Does "breed" sound too crude? How about "SPAWN?" If you're going to refer to your fellow humans in animalistic terms, why not just shed your clothes and go live in a fucking cave? It's obvious you can't appreciate humanity, so just drop out of it and be a fucking animal.
Adulth who aww too pwoud to go to thpeeth thewapy. You can't even thay ith a mattaw of pwide, bacauthe how muth fathe do you think yaww thaving by talking wike thith aww de time?
Morning people who casually plan for you to do things together at ungodly hours as though they think everyone rises at the crack of still-dark-for-two-hours.
"So are you all packed for our camping trip?"
"Yeah."
"Ok, cool. I'll swing by around 6am and we'll grab something to eat."
"Is it really necessary to leave that early? The camping spot is only an hour's drive away."
"Hmmm... Would 6:30 be better?"
Cowardly bureaucratic bullshit. Why is it that everybody's so scared of getting their hands dirty when solutions are obvious?
About six weeks ago I had a get together at my apartment. One of my friends parked her car in the parking lot outside. The lot is public and the spaces are oriented so cars pull in perpendicular to the street. When she was leaving, she called me on her cell phone from the lot to tell me that some ass in an Acura had parked behind her and it was impossible to get out. I went out to see what was up. The Acura was parallel to the street and halfway on it, half on the lot, effectively blocking two parking spaces from behind. In The Bronx, most people blocked into a parking space by some double parking cock would just sit in their car and lay on the horn until everyone within a quarter mile wants to murder them. This is stupid. Of course, the default Bronx solution to any problem is the most aggressive, illogical and annoying one, but honking the horn in The Bronx is pointless because people hear horns and car alarms all day, and the solution is never to see what the problem is, merely to hurt whomever is causing the sound. So we took what seemed like the most logical and effective solution: calling the cops so they could tow the car. This seemed ideal. The car would be moved. The idiot would be punished, and hence, probably less apt to be an asshole so casually in the future. We quickly discovered how ineffective the "proper channels" were. We called the 311 city help line. The operator tinkered with her computer for about ten minutes trying to find my street, one of the most prominent in the Bronx, which intersects another major street. Finally, she said that she couldn't find either street in the computer at all. She said this in a tone that meant, "Sorry about your luck, chump. Now leave me alone." She was done pretending to try to be helpful. When I asked if she could just give me the direct number for the police, she asked what precinct I was in. Since I'm not a cop or a repeat offender, or a combination of the two, I don't automatically know what precinct I'm in. She made a long sigh, and said (once again in her 'sucks to be you' voice) that since she couldn't look up either of the gigantic streets where I was located, there was no way that her Commodore 64 could tell her in which precinct I was. There was a pause. At this point, she just wanted me off her phone so she could switch back to her friend on line one to resume talking about "Days of Our Lives." I obliged, mostly because I was starting to feel the suction in my ear as my I.Q. points were being leeched out of my brain by this mouth-breathing Rikki Lake disciple.
So there we stood in the parking lot at 3am in the cold with no help on the way. Fortunately there's a Dunkin Donuts about a block from my apartment, so there would be a cop floating by eventually. But, Neg! Why would you resort to using the trite stereotype of the lazy, doughnut eating cop? Yes, I know it's lame, and I'd really like to stop using it, but I won't stop using it until it stops being true. So, in keeping with it being true, within about five minutes a cruiser was easing into the left turn lane towards Dunkin Donuts. I waved to flag him down. He didn't pull to the right lane to meet me, rather, he rolled down his window so I had to go stand in traffic to talk to him while he sat in the far left lane, still intent on getting to those doughnuts. I explained the situation to the two cops and thought "Ah-hah! I get cops here, bypassing the 311 idiot, and there's no 3 hour wait for a cop to be dispatched. The problem will be solved without a lot of hassle." How naive I was. The cop in the passenger seat kind of curled his lip and squinted as he looked at the Acura. Then he looked to the driver, who shrugged as if to say it was the other guy's call as to whether this was worth postponing free coffee. I knew then that they were cracking open a fresh roll of red tape.
"We can reccommend a towing company, but you'd have to call them. We can't tow that car ourselves." I felt like a stranger in a strange land. What kind of alien world had I landed on that a New York City cop is hesitant, or even AFRAID to tow a car that is so flagrantly illegally parked? I never thought I'd ever see a New York City cop play the helpless card on something this obvious. Finally I coaxed him to come and have a look to see if there was anything that could be done. They both sighed at the delay of their cruller ingestion and pulled in behind the Acura. One got out and started peering into the car with his mag-light with all the caution of someone who fears that a parasite in an alien egg is going to leap on his face. "Is there any way she can stay here?" I couldn't believe that the cop was actually suggesting that my friend crash at my place just because a car was blocking hers in. The way I saw it, the tow truck should already be en route. We explained that she was from out of town and had to get back to the hotel in Queens. "Can she take a cab?" We explained to the brain-trust that it would be about 50 bucks cab fare to and from the hotel each way and that she would be leaving in the morning, and would, hence, need her car. He looked sad that his brilliant solutions to this problem were not recognized for their genius. The other cop stayed in the cruiser messing with the computer. After a few minutes he got out and said in a triumphant tone, "Well, it's not stolen. It's been stolen before, but it's currently not listed as stolen." Oh thank heavens! Because the legal ownership history of this car was my main concern. I'm so happy it's not stolen. No wait! Who gives a fucking rat's ass if it's stolen? He began looking in the car with his own flashlight and said that since it's been stolen before, the ignition might be damaged, making it able to be turned with a screwdriver. He checked the door handle and it was unlocked. Unlocked cars in The Bronx can only mean one thing: abandonned. The cop dug around in the cruiser and came back with a flat-head screwdriver. Sure enough, the ignition turned with no effort and the car started up. Beyond getting my friend's car out, to me this meant that the Acura's trip to the car impound lot would not require a tow truck. Once again, that's the innocent dreamer in me that's too easily led by common sense. The cop pulled the car back just far enough for my friend to get out, then turned it off and left it parked right there behind two cars. My friend was free to go, but had anything really been solved? Did he even think to bother pulling the car into a legitimate parking space? No way. He just left it right there and slapped a parking ticket on it with two cars blocked in. With that, the cops got into the cruiser and drove off, their self-imagined Superman capes flapping in the wind.
The next morning, I looked out my window and the car was still there. I was glad that we didn't wait for its owner to come and move it. A few days later, I looked out my window and there it was, still sitting there. About a month passed, and there it sat, except now it was visibly a few parts lighter. I called the police and asked them if there were any plans to tow the car, which I explained was now being looted for parts. They told me that since the car was abandonned, I would have to call the Department of Sanitation to remove it. I called and the first thing they asked me was if the car was on a public lot or the street. I said both (dumb move). They apparently could tow it if it was on a public lot OR the street, but since it was halfway on the street and halfway on the lot at the same time, they couldn't do anything and that it was under the jusisdiction of the Department of Transportation. I guess they must have been using the same computer as the 311 operator with no checkable box for "Both." I called the Department of Transportation and the first question they asked me was if the car had plates on it. No. No plates. At this point, I could see the setup happening a mile away. Since the car had no plates, the Department of Transportation said they couldn't do anything and that it was a Police matter and that I should call 911 and report it as a stolen car. At this point, I decided to wash my hands of it and assume the role of the stereotypical apathetic New Yorker. I wasn't about to start the phone loop again. Fortunately, I could rely on my fellow New Yorkers to take care of the problem where the authorities had failed. Piece by piece, bit by bit, the car vanished. A few days later, all that was left was a bumper, and it was probably only left because it was cracked. The bumper has since dissolved into the ether, along with more of my respect for the Powers that Be, or apparently the Powerless that Be.
People who like my Fuck Canada page who email me to tell me that I should make a Fuck Sweden page or a Fuck Ireland page or a Fuck Brazil page or a... well, you get the picture.
People who can't cook anything edible that insist on feeding you. Then after you manage control your gag reflex through one helping, they decide that you haven't had enough and make you eat some more. "Mmm. Lima bean and ham casserole. My favorite! No really, I should get going. Well ok, just a tiny bit more. What kind of cheese is this, by the way? Oh, that's not cheese? Mmm. Just like mom used to make! (Now I remember why I moved out.) Ahem.. Oh nothing. I just have a razor sharp piece of bone cutting into my epiglottis. No biggie. Sooo... Uhh.. You mind if i get a refill for my drink? No, no. Don't get up. I can get it (and it's going to take a lot more than one refill)."
The pizza topping scam. Let's say you order a pepperoni pizza. You're paying for a cheese pizza plus one topping. The pepperonis cover the top of the pizza, with maybe 12 pepperonis per slice. Every time you add another topping, they decrease the amount of each one, despite the fact that you're paying the same amount extra per topping. A pizza with pepperoni, sausage, Canadian bacon, peppers, onions, mushrooms, anchovies.. ok - no anchovies, and olives will have only maybe 4-6 pepperonis per slice even though you're paying the same amount per topping.
People whose houses don't have four square feet without some sort of air freshener. You walk into their bathroom and see a Glade Plug-in. On top of the toilet tank is pot of potpourri, a scented candle and a Renuzit thing that looks like some kind of high-tech alien egg with weird blue jelly inside. The toilet paper roller has air freshener in the middle of it. On the counter are two scented candles, a little thing with a candle that burns under a pot of scented oil, another basket of potpourri, another alien seed pod and a can of Lysol. In the outlet near the counter is another Glade Plug-in. On the back of the door hangs a hokey looking knickknack doll filled with potpourri. Look. If your body produces shit so foul that you need this much help making the smell survivable, you need to get to the fucking hospital.
Products that try to look like they're not amazingly bad for you on the Nutrition Facts label by dividing the box into servings smaller than anyone would ever use. I'm looking at a package of Girl Scout Cookies. Calories: 150. Calories from Fat: 70. Total Fat: 12%. Saturated Fat: 23%. Serving size: TWO COOKIES. Uhh... Yeah. RRRRRRRRRRIGHT! Because there's some human alive who ever ate ONLY two Girl Scout Cookies in a day. If you're going to eat Girl Scout Cookies at all, you're not going to stop at TWO. So basically, if you eat eight cookies, which they say is four portions, though most people think of it as half a portion, that's the end of your eating for the day. You've had nearly your daily allowance of saturated fat.
People who use instant messaging programs like AIM, MSN and Yahoo! Messenger to feed their abandonment complexes. They don't understand that not everyone sits at their computer waiting for their next message and they freak out and feel hurt when you don't reply right away because you're playing a video game, watching a movie or doing one of the other things on the giant list of things more interesting than going,
Doofus: "hey :)"
Rufus: "wuzzap :P"
Doofus: "nm :O"
Rufus: "bored :S"
Doofus: "yeah :("
Rufus:"wuzzap 8==D~~ O:"
Doofus:"LOL ROFL :D"
You'll walk away from your computer, and come back in twenty minutes to find:
cryingangel2947: hey
cryingangel2947: helloooo
cryingangel2947: don't ignore me :(
cryingangel2947: i can see your status is online
cryingangel2947: why don't you want to talk to me?
cryingangel2947: you're so bipolar
cryingangel2947: what's your problem?
cryingangel2947: did I do something to piss you off?
cryingangel2947: if I did, I'm sorry
cryingangel2947: please say something
cryingangel2947: you can't just ignore me like you're all important or something
cryingangel2947: fine
cryingangel2947: sigh
cryingangel2947: I know you're there
cryingangel2947: aren't you going to say something?
cryingangel2947: fine be like that
cryingangel2947: asshole
cryingangel2947: whatever
cryingangel2947: SAY SOMETHING
cryingangel2947: fine. fuck you too
cryingangel2947: i'm sorry. I didn't really mean it
cryingangel2947: you can just be so damn stubborn
cryingangel2947: fine. I guess you'll talk to me when I'm important :/
People with hyperinflated persecution complexes. Today I was getting off the subway and the lady in front of me was blocking the door and moving verrrrry slowly. I accidentally brushed the heel of her boot with my shoe and her head whipped around to see who had wronged her. She wasn't hurt. Her boot was not damaged. She didn't lose her balance. I didn't kick her. If I had shoved a dagger into her belly, she would have made the exact same horrified, shocked, injured facial expression.
Rating systems based on four stars where reviewers give things half stars. What are you trying to prove, you pretentious twits? If you're going to make a rating system lumped into only four possible blocks of quality, then fucking stick to it. You're the assholes who decided to make a four star system, so stop trying to get inventive with it. If four is too coarse a grade, then give it a whole number rating of one to ten, or a percentage. Don't think I'm going to be impressed that you put more thought into your review because you gave something three and a half stars. The way I see it, the four star system is way too coarse and needs to be retired. There should be way more than one notch between "pretty decent" and "nothing to write home about."
Any jackass that ever used a dangling toothpick as a fashion accessory. You know who you are. You walked into a grocery store with the intent to buy toothpicks thinking, "Yeah, I'm gonna let a toothpick dangle out of the corner of my mouth and look hardcore." Do you look hardcore? No. You look trendy and stupid and I'm here to smack that toothpick through the back of your head. What's next, little paper cocktail umbrellas, bendy straws, sporks, oven mitts? If you think anything in the grocery store can make you look cooler, you seriously need to be euthanized.
Coffee breath. Someone explain this to me. Ground coffee smells really awesome. Brewed coffee smells pretty damn good. Coffee breath smells like fetid zombie anus. WHY?!?!?
People who refuse to "buy into" mainstream media's coverage of politics and world events, feeling that they're too sharp to be easily duped by corporate sources, yet they instantly buy into every farout conspiracy theory they hear. Just because a news source is independent, doesn't mean they're not full of shit. While I know that there's more than meets the eye, I'm not ready to believe that elite Illuminati lizard men from the center of the earth are responsible for 9/11.
Ads for products like Pantene shampoo that demonstrate that they have vitamins in them by having 3D animated PILLS. You know, because in their natural form, vitamins are shaped like vitamin E capsules.
People who blame a specific person for their cold because they heard them sneeze a couple of times. Yeah, it was obviously me because I own exclusive rights to the cold virus in the middle of December! Surely you couldn't have caught it from someone else, or several other people, even though about a third of everyone in the Northern Hemisphere has a cold right now. Did I sneeze right at you, showering your face with a zillion little wet snot droplets? Have you been getting enough rest and exercise and vitamin C? No? Then how about I blame YOU for catching YOUR OWN cold, dumbass? Know why you have a cold? Because you fucking deserve one.
People who don't have hearing problems who watch even casual non-movie / non-music TV at full volume so it can be heard through walls. Nothing screams mental instability like "The Price is Right" at 170 decibels.
Voicemail nickel-and-dimers.
"Monday, 9:22am... 'I just wanted to call you to tell you that the meeting we're going to on the 24th of next month is now going to be at 10am, not 11am.'"
"Monday, 9:24am... 'Me again. That meeting is going to be in conference room C, by the way.'"
"Monday, 9:24am... 'Oh, and Dave told me he's coming.'"
"Monday, 9:27am... 'Y'know what I was thinking? Maybe we should have the meeting in conference room F because they have that multimedia setup. Let me know what you think.'"
"Monday, 9:32am... 'It turns out that some other group is using that room that morning. I'll keep checking to see if they cancel.'"
"Monday, 9:37am... 'We can get that room if we reschedule for 2pm. Would that be ok? I'll call Dave and see if he can make it at 2 or if maybe we should have the meeting on another date. Let me know what you think.'"
"Monday, 9:39am... 'Do you think we should get coffee and soft drinks for the meeting? Just get back to me on that.'"
"Monday, 9:43am...'Oh, hey. I haven't heard back from you. Just wanted to check in and see if you got my messages.'"
"Monday, 9:54am..." *SLAM* *boop boop boop boop boop..... Rinnggg..*
"Hello, Mike Laurence speaking."
"DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO?"
"Oh, hey! Glad you got back to me. I talked to Dave and he said-"
"What the fuck, man! That meeting is over a month away, will take about ten or fifteen minutes, and is about something trivial! Are you going to call me every three minutes for the next month and a half to keep me abreast of the latest developments? Are you THAT bored? Can't you just WAIT until you have a collection of things to tell me instead of calling me everytime your brain spits out a little thought?"
"But I just wanted to tell you that we got Conference room F for 10am. That other group rescheduled. I left them a few voicemails and they called me back telling me that I could go ahead and have the room."
"You're a menace." *click*
Alimony. What kind of obsolete shit is this? You think a relationship going foul entitles you to money? Uhhh... Time for a fucking reality check, princess. Shit happens. That's life. You don't get a monthly payment every time someone hurts your feelings. You want money because your ex-husband is an asshole? You're the one who was dumb enough to marry him, so whose fault is it really? If you didn't know him long enough to realize he's an asshole, then you sure as hell didn't know him well enough to marry him. Let the buyer beware. Why should he pay just because you rushed into marrying him? If you were so eager to marry a guy without knowing him well enough to know what a dick he is, then you probably just married him for his money anyway, and now that you hate his guts, you're just not being as subtle about your initial intention to dig in his pockets like a two-bit whore. If you married him knowing that he's a dick, then you're just stupid, and DEFINITELY just wanted his money and nothing else. Either way: no free money for you. How many men do you see receiving monthly alimony payments? Do you think men aren't hurt when relationships fail? Double standards rock. I can see where maybe in the past alimony made sense, back when a woman's only hope of surviving adult life was to marry a guy who supported her in exchange for squirting out a dozen babies and cleaning his house for the rest of her life. Back then, if a marriage fell apart, it somewhat made sense for a guy to support his divorced wife since her only skills were in being a housewife, and what self-respecting man would marry cheap used goods? What man in his right mind would marry a woman at the ripe old age of thirty two, with her best baby-laying years behind her. At thirty two, she's apt to die in childbirth or from scarlet fever, and then who would be there to wash his socks? Besides, a divorced woman wouldn't be a virgin, and that made her a cheap floozy and an abomination before God. Marrying a non-virgin would be a scandal. It's not like she could go out and get a real job, either. Well, there are a couple of jobs she could get, I suppose, but only so many rich families need another maid. Besides, it's not like she could bring her throng of children with her. She could work in a brothel, I guess, but once again, where would the kids go? Coal mines only need so many child laborers, and they've got to be at least five years old. Women in the modern civilized world have it pretty good. They can get great jobs, make as much money as a man, get mortgages, run businesses, buy cars, vote, open their own doors, push in their own chairs, buy mechanized plastic penises... It's a great time to be a woman, and anyone lacking in marketable job skills has only herself to blame. Want equal rights? Great! Me too! Equal means "equal," not "equal plus a bunch of additional advantages too." In our society's view, if a woman doesn't have a job or any marketable skills, she needs to be supported, but a man in the same situation is a lazy idiot who needs to stop being a shiftless dumbass and pull his shit together and get a job; that it's his own fault and if he can't figure out a solution, then tough shit - fuck him. Why are women exempt from this kind of harsh judgment?
Equal rights now! Ban alimony!
People who "correct" you for using a word because they are unfamiliar with it.
"Stop trying to impinge on my business."
"'Impinge? IMPINGE?' The word is 'infringe,' idiot. Pfft! 'Impinge?' HAH! What a dumbass."
"Uhh.. I used the word I intended to use. The word is 'impinge.' 'Infringe' means roughly the same thing: 'to encroach,' although 'to infringe' more specifiically means 'to violate,' while 'to impinge' has more of a vibe of 'to trespass against.' They're both real words."
"Yeah right. Quit trying to play if off, moron. You're just making that shit up to try to hide the fact that the word was 'infringe,' and you're too stupid to know it."
"Really? Check this out. http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=impinge"
"Pfft - whatever. I'm not gonna look at that. You're still an idiot and the word is 'infringe.'"
Businesses that invent arbitrary rules that serve only as unneccesary impedences. I went to a check casher to cash my paycheck from the previous week.
"We can't take this."
"Why not?"
"It's five days old."
"So?"
"It's company policy. Sorry."
I know at this point, a lot of my readers are waiting to hear the sly retort that I slung at her or some fanciful violent end to the story. It's not going to happen. How could I possibly further degrade someone who degrades herself by working in a check cashing office? What more could I say? Any insult I could possibly conceive would pale in comparison to "check casher." Every morning, she hits her alarm clock knowing that her purpose in life is to deal with the dregs of the earth all day long, selling them lottery tickets and telling them that no, their Western Union transfer STILL didn't come under any of the made-up names that you just rattled off, and please stop coming in here 20 times a day... No, you can't have a quarter. I'm comfortable in that ending.
People who think the solution to their computer printer being jammed is hitting the 'print' icon fifty times. Then when someone (me) comes along and clears the paper jam, the printer begins printing a mountain of paper. Then the real panicking begins. They hit every button on the printer repeatedly, start unplugging cables, turning the computer off from the rear power switch, corrupting loads of data in the process, taking all the paper out, yanking power cords out of the wall, shooting it with a fire extinguisher, punching it, submerging it in the aquarium, calling 911... Let's face it. Some people should not be allowed to use anything beyond the stone hand-axe on the scale of human technology. These are always the ones who ask you for help with their computer and when told to do something with their CPU, they go, "Uhhh - is that the screen or the typewriter? I'm looking everywhere on my computer screen thing and I don't see an icon that says anything about CPU..." Right away, you know you're fucked..
School and church swarm trips that take over restaurants, subways, museums, etc. You go into a restaurant and look around and notice that it's peaceful. You order your food and find a tranquil place to sit. Suddenly there's a disturbance. Through the front doors floods a screaming scourge of assholes all wearing orange T-shirts that say something pseudo-witty on them, like the Calvin Klein logo bastardized with "JC," for "Jesus Christ," you know, because JESUS IS AWESOME!, DUDE! (This is punctuated with the thumb and pinky "Hang Loose" sign, and not "The Shocker," as previously thought.) They all crowd around the counter and scream incoherently; 75 different voices, all at full howling volume. "Miss Smith! Miss Smith! Miss Smith! Can I get a Chicken Sandwich? Miss Smith! I want a Milkshake! My butt plug fell out! Can we sit over there? Doritos are my favorite candy! Miss Smith! Danny took my Yu Gi Oh Cards! Mommy lets me eat Mister Bubble when I'm good." and other assorted gibberish. Suddenly your nice little lunch spot has turned into the gnashing jaws of hell and you start gathering your things to leave while still chewing. One of the chaperones then starts to panic. Where's "Mike Haney? Has anyone seen Mike Haney?" Meanwhile, in the warehouse district in Queens, a teary-eyed 11 year old in an orange shirt is using a payphone, trying to explain to the 411 operator that he can't remember the name of the hotel, but that he's from Arkansas and it's very important.
Guys who can't figure out how to tie a necktie so the knot is bigger than a penny and smaller than a hamburger.
The fact that I can get a 2 liter of Pepsi for $1.79, but an 8.3 ounce can of Red Bull costs 3 bucks. It's just a fucking soft drink. They're both primarily water and corn syrup. Woooo - it's got more caffeine! I'm so goddamn impressed with that, because after all, caffeine is a RARE and COSTLY commodity!
Adults who are incapable of reading without moving their mouths. You should have been unhooked from phonics by the time you were in third or fourth grade, morons.
CD and DVD drives that won't give up. You put a disk in that is improperly formatted or damaged, then realize it's not going to read, so you hit the eject button... repeatedly. Does the drive obediently spit out the disk? No. It goes, "Hmmm.. What's this? Hang on. Gimme a second. *Spin Spin* Wait, wait, wait! I've almost got it! *LED Blink Blink Blink* Wait, I can do this! No, no, no, no! Don't try to pry me open! *Spin Spin Spin* I'm so close to knowing what's on this disk! Gimme just a few more seconds... or minutes. *Spin Spin Blink Blink*"
The way you bake a pizza in the oven and after a while you think maybe it's done, so you check on it and it still looks half frozen. So you put it back and then check on it after it seems like surely it's been enough time. It still looks like it has a long way to go. So you put it back, and in what seems like only a couple of minutes, you notice that it smells really delicious. You open the oven and it's little more than a big, black cinder cookie.
Guy that wants to fuck a girl, whom the girl finds attractive = Hot
Guy that wants to fuck a girl, whom the girl happens to find unattractive = Creep
You know, because it's the guy's fault.
People who can't think of any way to make their writing or speaking more colorful other than the use of copious sports metaphors. Some bench warmers just don't know how to step up to the plate. Look. Sometimes you swing and you miss. Sometimes you strike out altogether. But you never win if you don't play the game. You just have to have your game plan straight when you come out of the huddle and put on your game face. There are no timeouts in life, and if you don't watch yourself, you'll find yourself in the seventh inning stretch with the cards stacked against you. Life will come at you with a right hook and you'll be down for the count. Seriously though, sports metaphors are retarded. Why would you always use them when every single one of them is painfully hackneyed? Just learn to write. This might be facilitated by reading a book... one that's not about sports.
Hey, ghetto guys. Isn't it time to pull up the pants? What's it been, fifteen years? Back in the late 80's, who knew that complete lack of self respect would stay in vogue for so long. Back then, you had a few inches of underwear showing. Now your pants are down around your knees. What kind of fashion statement do you think you're making by altering the way you walk so your pants don't end up around your ankles? I know that deep-down you realize this is stupid. Come on, guys. Let's put this absurd embarrassment behind us. It's time. Pull up your pants. For me?
Products with instructions printed on the packaging which would only need to be explained to someone so amazingly dumb that he's too stupid to live. I'd say READING ABILITY probably isn't a strong suit among people who need toothpaste or shampoo explained to them anyway. Today I got a moist towelette at a restaurant complete with a helpful explanation of its usage. "Tear open package. Remove and unfold towel. Wipe hands. Discard properly." WHUH????? NOT FOR EATING?????
People on personal ads who say they enjoy watching movies, listening to music, dining out, staying in, spending time outdoors, going to the beach, drinking coffee, shopping, traveling, snuggling up with someone special, like people with good senses of humor and mellow temperments, like polite people, value honesty and are looking for someone without a lot of issues. Holy shit! REALLY? YOU'RE SO UNIQUE!!
People who exercise their freedom of speech, press and assembly primarily to voice their opinion that other people shouldn't have the right to say or publish what they want because they happen to find it offensive.
People who play online multiplayer games who call you a "noob" because you haven't played the game for 16 hours a day for the past year like they have. Who's the real loser here? Nine times out of ten, they call you noob right as they're doing something so absolutely nauseatingly cheap that you're surprised they can stomach it themselves. Oh, great. 1800 Zerglings all attacking my base at once. That's brilliant. That's what 6000 hours of gameplay has taught you? You should be proud. Great game. Lotsa fun. We should do this again sometime.
That Clay Aiken freak. I swear that thing was created by Jim Henson.
The remarketing of Chiclets. When I was a kid, there were these little tile-like squares of candy-coated gum called Chiclets. They came in gumball machines in a bigass handful for 25 cents. They were considered the "cheap" gum, for when you didn't have enough money to grab a pack of Bubble Yum, Bubblicious, etc. (read "gourmet" gum, circa 1983). What you got was a blend of a little over a half dozen different flavors, including cinnamon, several different mints, yellow that didn't taste like lemon or banana, red that was probably cherry and was reminiscent of asper-gum, pink that definitely wasn't any sort of fruit that exists on earth, and orange that didn't taste like orange. These couldn't possibly taste good when mixed together, but since gumball machines don't exactly give you wrappers so the gum could be saved for later, this gi-normous handful was generally stuffed in the mouth all at once. This huge, sticky bolus of sub-par gum produced about a quart of bright green loogie that was about 98% pure corn syrup, and was excellent for horking at car windshields in a long, flagellating ribbon of slobber that looked like a gigantic flying green sperm cell sailing through the air. Even the fruit flavors of chiclets had a sickly minty tinge to them that was a bit too minty to actually taste good.
Fast-forward to the year 2004. Almost every gum on the rack now is packaged in sleek looking silvery cardboard sleeves with foil backed bubble panels inside - the kind they use to package pills. The other thing that's new is that the gum costs $1.25 a pack. What's not new? How about the little tile-like squares of candy-coated gum that's a bit too minty to actually taste good? Eclipse, Trident White, Dentyne Ice, take your pick. They're just fucking Chiclets, the CHEAP gum, but they've been repackaged as the ultra-gourmet gum, aimed at adults, who have more pocket change than the average eight year old and like things that are packaged like drugs. So you get the same bigass handful of cheap gum, but at the price it would be far too wasteful to enjoy these Chiclets for the only thing Chiclets were ever really enjoyable for: namely stuffing the whole handful in your mouth at once, putting two in between your incisors and upper lip like buck teeth, and launching an entire mouthful of brightly colored corn syrup snot at that girl in 3rd grade that you had a bad crush on.
I really don't mean to give rap so much attention, but once again, something made my eye twitch enough that I couldn't help myself. There's a video for this 50 Cent collaboration called G-Unit. The song is "Poppin Them Thangs," and yes, I know you're as impressed as I am with that title. Basically the checked box on the Formulaic Rap Video Construction form is choice C. "I'm a Mob Kingpin, so don't try to step or you'll get smacked down - note how nobody smiles ever - that means WE HARD." Of course, having the ability to rhyme words with other words makes you an unstoppable force in the underworld, able to strike fear in the hearts and command the respect of big time mob bosses. "Holy shit. He can rhyme FOCUS with LOCUST! Oh, man! He's got a big gold medallion... AND IT SPINS! That spinning medallion definitely makes him too HARD for our entire criminal organization to compete with. Don't mess!" There are subtitles at the bottom of the screen showing the dialogue between the various mob bosses. One of them says, "I don't approve of you. You are SHINNING a light into our darkness." Who fucking wrote these subtitles, Groundskeeper Willy? How could such a glaring spelling mistake slip by the hundreds of people who no doubt saw the completed video before its release? Wasn't there even ONE person who saw it and said,"Yo, dawg, dat's dope, yo, werd. But, yo! You misspelled 'shining'"? How could they spend millions on the production of the album and video and then hire some illiterate fuckass to write the subtitles? How? Because obviously all of the people involved in production of the video, especially the artists, ARE RETARDED. I caught the error the very first time I saw the video, and I was only watching it for the same reason I would listen to G. Gordon Liddy or Rush Limbaugh; to know more about what I think is stupid. If you're going to spend assloads of money, put it on MTV and BET and show it to millions of people on probably a half-hourly basis (on the rare occasions that they are actually showing music videos) wouldn't it make sense to proofread it to avoid looking like illiterate fucktards? There's no way you can play it off as the intentional misspelling that rappers always do, either. This isn't "dawgz," this is "SHINNING," I guess meaning "to SHIN." I guess when you're as stupid as G-Unit is anyway, literacy can't help or hurt your image. I wonder how many of their fans even noticed. I guess if you're stupid enough to think G-Unit is really cool, you're stupid enough to miss glaring spelling errors in bold capital letters at the bottom of your TV. In a way, though, I have to say I'm proud of G-Unit for employing people with physical disfigurements. Lloyd Banks proves that even if you have a hare lip and a lazy eye, you can make it as a big time rap star.
Side note: The other options on the Formulaic Rap Video Construction Form are:
A. "Gigantic party at a mansion with lots of money falling from the sky, lots of $200K+ cars parked out front and lots of girls in bikinis. Girl to guy ratio is 5/1. Everyone at the party is rich and black and drinking Moet, Cristal and a wide assortment of obscenely expensive cognacs like they were water,"
B. "Getting chased by the cops in my Lamborghini talking on the cell phone while a hot chick or the album's producer is driving. Variation: Instead of cops chasing me in a Lamborghini, this could be interchanged with cruising in a Hummer limo and giving everyone 'the vapors,' Same shit, different vibe."
D. "Every girl in the club is mostly naked and very attractive and is so impressed by my jewelry that they're all competing tooth and nail to get to fuck me"
E. "Generic choreographed dance video with amorphous high contrast sets and possibly flood lights arranged to spell out the rapper's name,"
F. "Seemingly pedestrian environment such as a barber shop, diner, car wash, movie theatre, etc. where lots of hot chicks are dumping their boyfriends because my jewelry, car, clothes, etc. are so impressive that they just have to fuck me,"
G. "Here I am hanging out in a shitty neighborhood. This means I'm true to my roots, despite the fact that I arrived in a limo and will be going to a four star restaurant to eat foie gras and beluga caviar after the video shoot."
(Default for all selections: Four or six point star filter used on camera lens in conjunction with bright lighting to make jewelry appear to sparkle blindingly.)
The fact that Bush is appointing his own "fact finding commission" to assess how faulty prewar intelligence was that led up to the Iraq war. Last time I heard something this preposterous was when O.J. Simpson offered a reward to anyone who could find Nicole Simpson's murderer. I wonder if Charles Manson or Ted Bundy would have been put in prison if they could have appointed their own fact finding commissions to see if they were guilty of any wrongdoing. Of course, a lot of conservatives will balk at the idea of me comparing Bush to serial killers. In a way you're right. There's really no viable way to compare them. Bush killed far more people to achieve his self-serving goals. I love how they call it "faulty intelligence," not "lying through their teeth to start a war."
The steam radiators in my apartment. Like my shower, they don't do warm. They do "North Dakota in February" and "Brazilian Rainforest." Not only are you never sure which they're going to do when, but you can be assured it will never be the one you'd prefer. When it's 50F out, you pour sweat, and when it's 20F out, you run to the hardware store to buy an electricity devouring space heater because the Super says the oil truck is going to be two days late because of the snow. Not only that, but you can bet that when the heat does kick in, it will announce its arrival at 4 in the morning on a Wednesday in the form of a clamorous banging as though a team of elves with copper hammers is attacking the radiator from within. They have strong arms, those elves... and they hate radiators.
Alcoholics whose home remedies for any kind of ailment ALWAYS contain alcohol. "You know what would help that cough?" "Hmm.. That's a nasty looking cut." "You know what would help that zit dry up?" "Ear infection, eh? I said, EAR INFECTION, EH?" "So your mother tells me you're pregnant." You 're never surprised when the first ingredient is brandy. Listen, Roscoe. I want to be healthy, not too drunk to care that I'm sick.
The fact that humans have been making medicines for thousands of years, the pharmaceutical industry is now a multi-billion dollar business, and they STILL haven't figured out how to make a cough syrup that's worth half a shit without tasting like kerosene.
Nerds who refer to specific Star Wars movies as ANH, TESB, ROTJ, TPM and AOTC. Come on, guys. You KNOW you're itching to be the first one to know the name of the next one so you can refer to it as FTJB or whatever on your fan page. By the way, all you trekkies who refer to Star Trek movies and shows by TNG, TWOK, TMP, etc. aren't allowed to laugh.
Any adult who has ever tried to spook a kid by saying that anytime they misbehave it's going to go on their permanent record. What kind of sick, sadistic asshole are you? I know that your fake reason for telling them this is that you're trying to instill in them a sense of responsibility, but you and I both know that no such record exists and that you're deriving far too much pleasure from it. You're filling kids with dread that any authority figure they encounter down the line will have access to their every indiscretion. They're not learning to be responsible. They're learning irrational phobias and paranoia. When you tell a kid that some misbehavior is going to go down on their permanent record, what you're trying to implant is the fear that they'll be 27 years old at a job interview, and will be confronted with, "Well, it looks like you're very well educated. We at NASA are quite impressed with your academic honors and awards in physics and mathematics. We would almost consider you to be the prime candidate to be the first astronaut that travels to meet the Zorgnon people on planet Choomvlax, however, we noticed that in fourth grade, you smushed mashed potatoes in Bobby Stephens' hair, and we really don't think that's the kind of behavior we'd be willing to condone, or the image that NASA would like to project. So I guess you'll just have to BE HOMELESS AND LIVE UNDER A BRIDGE AND SELL YOUR ORGANS JUST TO AFFORD MOLDY BREADCRUMBS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! MUHUHAHAHAHAHA! Just think! You could have had as much PIE and CANDY as you could ever want - IN SPACE, but NO! You had to smush those potatoes in Bobby's hair! Don't you feel GUILTY?! Don't you feel ASHAMED?! You should! No need applying for a job anywhere else as even a lowly tongue septic tank cleaner, either, because all employers are connected by a magical network to the permanent record of every bad thing you've ever done! The section that tells how many times you touched your peepee nearly broke my desk from the weight! See this? It's our latest top secret model of laser gun. It can instantly turn an M1 Abrams tank into a puddle of glowing molten metal when it's set on level 2, and it goes up to level 25. It's totally awesome, right? You'd like to touch it, wouldn't you? PSYCHE! I just thought I'd show it to you so you could know exactly what it is that you'll never get to fire at the carnivorous phantom slugs of the the planet Voompox in the Crab Nebula. Now get the hell out of my office! I can't stand to be in the same room as the person who did what you did to Shannon McCall in seventh grade! YOU KNOW what you did, and so does everyone else! DAMN, these antigravity boots that you'll never get to try are awesome! " Look. I know you're bitter that you studied really hard to get your masters, and that your teaching job barely pays your rent and student loan payments, but don't you think it's sick to take it out on an eight year old by fucking with his mind?
That retarded cliche in movies and TV shows where the "hero" cop who's going to break the case keeps being blocked at every turn by the hard-edged chief. The cop who breaks the law to nail the baddies is portrayed as a hero, yet the chief who tries to keep him in line is portrayed as a ball-busting meddler. Of course, the unruly cop ends up succeeding in the end, and by "succeeding" I mean "shooting the bad guy a dozen times in the chest, killing him, rather than arresting him so he can be tried," thus supposedly justifying his actions and proving that the chief was wrong to try to make him obey the law. Many times in these movies, the bad guy is arrested midway through and the court lets him go free because the evidence used to prosecute was collected improperly. Then the cop disobeys his chief's direct orders and continues stalking him, even if he's been suspended. Dirty Harry, Beverly Hills Cop, Miami Vice, The Last Action Hero, Lethal Weapon, The Crow, etc. It's become a trite standard. In swaggers the macho detective who's just too good at his job to play by the rules. The people in the office see him and rib the cop with "Look out for the Chief," to which he makes a nonchalant snap about their sexual orientation or inadequacy, beer belly, pile of papers on their desk, failures on the job, etc. or he threatens them physically like an asshole alpha male ape asserting his dominance. If the person giving him a hard time is a woman, this is done in a sexist passive aggressive manner in the form of telling her to fetch him some coffee or a file. The Chief then sticks his head out the door of his office and says angrily, "Mahoney, I want to see you in my office!" All the other cops then giggle among themselves. The whole thing reeks of softening public opinion about how hard cops try to do their jobs and how maybe we should be soft on them for bending the rules in order to get convictions. How many people are sitting in prison for crimes that they didn't commit because cops lied on the witness stand, "lost" exonerating evidence, or augmented the strength of the prosecution's case with fabricated or illegally acquired evidence? How many people have been killed or maimed by trigger-happy cops who thought they saw a kid chewing on the chocolaty end of a chrome plated gun with Three Musketeers printed on the side? SHOOT TO KILL! HE'S GOT A WALLET! "Well, Chief, how was I supposed to know the guy was holding house keys? I mean, in that neighborhood, I figure any shiny object held in one hand by a person who isn't the same color as me is a gun. I'm free to go because a lifetime of watching crooked TV cops portrayed as heroes has tainted the mind of every juror in the box? Cool!"
The announcer's fake, tense sports-announcer voice blurts in on tonight's episode of America's Most Reckless Police Chases, "The police have been chasing him for over an hour now! He just won't give up! Stare transfixed at the TV screen as the suspect's car weaves precariously between cars and through intersections at speeds of up to 115 miles an hour! Note how we never mention that the police cruisers are ALSO weaving precariously between cars and through intersections at speeds up to 115 miles an hour! That's because cop cars are made of NERF and don't kill or paralyze people when they hit them! They TICKLE! Of course, they would never end up hitting anyone anyway because cops have superhuman reflexes. Just ask Amadou Diallo! Police always put public safety first. Just ask Abner Louima! Also note that radio waves travel much faster than 115 miles an hour and could have dispached a team to lay spike strips across the road ahead and end the chase in minutes! Thank god for cops who want to be Indy 500 drivers, or we wouldn't have a show! Endangering the lives of civilians is good family entertainment!"
Are there good cops? Of course there are. Do we need police? Of course we do. What we don't need are cowboys who think a badge is a vigilante badass license or any additions to the gigantic heap of movies that glorify them.
FRONT PAGE TOP STORY ON DOZENS OF MAGAZINES AND NEWSPAPERS WORLDWIDE:
Regarding her recent breakup with human potato, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez issued the following public statement:
"I'm heartbroken."
Regarding Lopez's recent public statement and the media attention given to it, negativepositive issued the following public statement:
"I give a shit."
The fact that I can't turn on my TV for more than 5 minutes without seeing Ashton Kutcher 8 times on 6 different channels. "DUDE, WHERE'S MY TALENT? DUDE, WHERE'S THE JUSTIFICATION FOR ME NOT WORKING IN A MALL FOOD COURT?""
Guys who think that the fact that they gave Sam Ash music store a few hundred bucks of their money makes them a guitarist.
Junk email and pop-up ads that tell you to "CLICK HERE TO ELIMINATE JUNK EMAIL AND POP-UP ADS!" "Your computer MAY be infected with Spyware! Click here to ENSURE that it will be infected with Spyware."
Sexually repressed prudes who think that men who enjoy sex are sexist and demeaning to women and that women who enjoy sex are immoral sluts who cheapen the image of women. Maybe if you'd go out and find someone to fuck your brains out, you'd have less time for name calling and finger wagging. Oh, and by the way, this post isn't meant to exonerate people who fuck 30 different people per 24 hour period every day of the week and more on weekends and holidays. I'm just saying that having a healthy attitude about sex doesn't mean always "just saying no." There are people who are sexually obsessed, and there are people who have fun and don't feel guilty or ashamed about it. I can recognize the difference between the two. Why can't you? Your phobia is not a viable barometer for human behavior, so stop letting people know how they rate on your Evil Meter just because you've never had a decent blowjob.
People who check their voicemail and email about once every three weeks.
Anyone who uses the phrase "Bad Boy" to describe anything other than an actual boy who is bad.
(Pointing to a stuffed fish mounted on the wall of his mobile home) "Check out that bad boy!"
"I notice that it is not a boy..."
"Nope."(spit)
"Nor is it bad... "
"IT'S A CRAPPIE!"
"You're an idiot."
"WHOOT!"
People who call your number at some obscene hour and it's a wrong number, so, like a complete idiot, they hang up and CALL RIGHT BACK like it's going to be the right number this time.
(5:24am) *RING RING*
"Hello?"
"Hello?..."
"Hello?"
*CLICK*.....
(5:25am) *RING RING*
"Hello?"
*CLICK*
"GRRR..." *BOOP BOOP BOOP BOOP*
"Thank you for using our Star 666 service. To have a 275 pound brute sent to stomp on the head of the moron who just called you at some ungodly hour and hung up, at the expense of 300 dollars billed to his next phone bill, press 1."
*BOOP*
"Thank you. A hulking thug will be dispatched at 5am tomorrow morning to teach the moron how to use a phone the hard way. He is not a morning person, and does not know he's going to be awakened tomorrow morning, hence he will take great pleasure in making the idiot's elbows bend backward. Also, a high voltage electrode in the idiot's phone has been activated which will deliver an excruciatingly painful jolt that will knock him unconscious and possibly erase a good portion of his memory and motor skills should he ever dial your number again. His molars will definitely be shattered when his mandible adductor muscles clench involuntarily because of the surge of electricity. The activation of this electrode will cost the cretin 700 dollars. A DVD video of the beating, as well as a chilled bottle of Dom Perignon will be sent to your address, also billed to the idiot's phone bill, as our way of apologizing for allowing jackasses to own phones. If you would like soothing music to be played at this time, press 2."
*BOOP*
People who assume you're in on an inside joke and keep making reference to it like you know what the hell they're talking about. "Heh, not like the Mighty Walrus, eh? (Nudge Nudge) HAH! (Singing) I AM THE MIGHTY WALRUS! DOOT DOO-DOO DOOT DOO-DOO DOOT! HAH! (Nudge Nudge)"
People who aren't in on an inside joke but pretend to be to fit in. "Uhh... heh... Oh yeah... The Mighty Walrus! Heh!... Yeah... DOOT-da-DOOT! Heh... Yeah... Walrus..."
People who constantly make reference to an inside joke that you're both in on so often that not only is it not funny anymore, but you want to stab them in the face. "Enough with the fucking Mighty Walrus. It was never that funny to begin with. Jesus fucking Christ. AGH! Don't say it again! Dude. I'm going to punch you. I'm serious."
"I AM THE MIGHT- OWW, FUCKER!"
"What did I tell you?"
"DOOT DOO-DOO- OWW!"
Bands that are on the way out that resort to the hackneyed, trite, desperate last hope of lame artists who want to be taken more seriously, THE HUGE STRING SECTION. Elton John, Pink Floyd, Bjork, Guns and Roses, Metallica.. the list goes on and on. When you see the huge orchestra behind the band, you can be assured that they've peaked and all they'll be doing from now on are endless greatest hits albums, reunion tours, VH1 "Where Are They Now" specials, special guest appearances at other people's concerts and every few years they'll eat enough fiber to pinch off a steamy loaf of stuff that's not even close to being on par with what they used to put out - you know, to attempt to prove that they've still got it - and fail miserably in the process. Hey Axl Rose. You're in a metal band. What were you thinking?
Fans who would never admit or even fathom that it's possible that their favorite band could ever peak and be on the decline, even when they've been doing nothing but tours where they've played all their old songs for the past 25 years. "Hey, man! Lynard Skynard rocks more now than they ever did!" Do you smell milk before you pour it in your cereal? What if the sell-by date said March, 1977? Would you still use it and say it's great? Know what rocks about Lynard Skynard? March, 1977, and various drug / alcohol related illnesses that will kill off the remaining members in the next 10-15 years. C'mon, guys! Let's have some more plane crashes. It's the most interesting thing your band has ever done in the past. Keep the tradition alive!
Computer programs whose installers have background music. This would actually be ok, perhaps even exciting and neat, on installations that take 30 seconds to 2 minutes. I've been installing and patching Final Fantasy Online for over an hour and a half now and at this point, the music makes me want to stamp on kittens.
People that ask you if they can borrow a pen or pencil. Let's be honest here. Nobody ever really intends to borrow a pen in the literal take-use-give back sense. What they really mean is, "Hey! GIMME GIMME GIMME PEN FOR FREE!" When someone "borrows" a pen from you and walks away, just kiss it goodbye. It's gone forever. If they stand right next to you as they write, your chances of getting the pen back without teethmarks in it increase from 0% to about 15%. Don't shake your heads at this one. You aren't innocent. Everyone assumes they're in the very, very small group of people who actually give pens back. The fact of the matter is that they may actually THINK they're in this tiny minority, but they're mostly deluded, as pen theft is such a natural, unconscious thing for most people that they're surprised when someone (me) nails them for it, at which point they say something like, "Oh, I'm going to give it back. I'm not done with it yet," before they vanish into the ether with the pen.
People who try to tell you an anecdote but get caught up on completely irrelevant exposition involving people and places that you don't even know.
Mom: "Oh, c'mere! I've got a funny story. The other day I was at the grocery store and I saw your sister's second grade teacher. (Thoughtful pause) Do you remember her name?"
Me: "No idea."
Mom: "It's on the tip of my tongue. Was it Mrs. Davis?"
Me: "I don't know. I never had her. So what happened?"
Mom: "Hang on. Let me ask your father. Honey? What was her name?"
Dad from the living room: "I thought it was Ms. Smith."
Mom: "Was it Ms. Smith? I thought it was Mrs. Davis."
Dad: "The blonde one?"
Mom: "No, no. She has brown hair."
Dad: "Hmmm. Maybe she dyed it back then."
Me: "So what happened?"
Mom: "No, no. I don't think so. It was curly."
Dad: (Shrugs)
Me: "So what happened? Did she say something interesting?"
Mom: "Ohhh.. You're thinking of Mrs. Markham. She was the teacher across the hallway. I don't think any of our kids had her."
Dad: "Oh yeah, that's right."
Me: "So what was it that you were going to say about her?"
Mom: "Hmmm. Now that I think about it, I don't think it was Mrs. Davis. Was is Ms. Jeffries? Honey? Where are you going? Don't you want to hear my story?"
People who assume that they're an expert on something because they read an article in a magazine.
"Why do you cough so much?"
"I have asthma. My allergies aggravate it."
"No, that's got to be something else. Asthmatics don't cough, they wheeze and have shortness of breath. Also, asthma's not caused by allergies. It's caused by pollution."
"How would you know?"
"I read an article in Time a while back."
"So you're not an asthmatic."
"No."
"Well I am. I was diagnosed when I was seven. I think I know what I'm talking about from years of first-hand experience."
"Well if you want, I could show you the article."
"Good Idea. Then after you show it to me, you can bend over and I'll show it to your sigmoid colon."
News shows and newspapers that put stupid shit like cold weather as the top story as if it's actual news. It's cold? In January? In New York? NO SHIT? I was wondering what all that freezing air and solidified water outside was about. Thanks for spending the first third of the nightly news explaining it to me. I also find the side items accompanying these stories to be very helpful and informative. Without the news, I would never know that some people are complaining about their apartments not having heat or that when I go outside I should bundle up in layers and try to limit the amount of time I spend outside. Be sure to interview people on the street since they're always filled with such amazing insight. "Well... It SURE IS COLD!! HI MOM!" I'm glad that America has such high caliber journalists working hard to keep me abreast of important and unusual developments like the temperature getting down to 25, because that's just INSANE for something like that to happen in the middle of winter! Well, now that all that coldness has been explained to me, I guess I'll get online and check out The Guardian UK to see what's actually going on in my country. Hmmm... O'Niell, the Former US Treasury Secretary whom Bush fired said that the War in Iraq was planned only days after Bush took office - well BEFORE September 11th... HEY, WAIT! Why do I have to find this out from foreign sources? Oh, right.. I forgot. Because Rupert Murdoch would rather I just worry about it being cold outside.
People who run an FTP server that they won't quit obsessively fucking with long enough for you to upload or download a 4 meg file without resuming it 20 times.
Those horrible homemade Anime music videos. Look. I know you like Adobe Premiere. I do too. We know that you really, really want to play with it. So fucking film something and play with it. "Oh my god! This is so awesome! It's a rare, previously unreleased video of an Aphex Twin song! (120 meg download) Hmmm... It's Aphex Twin music... but why is the video just a shitload of stock Sailor Moon clips choppily edited together with no apparent correlation to the music? This is just stupid. I HATE YOU, INTERNET!"
The fact that if you buy a pair of Levis jeans at Sears it costs 30 bucks and if you buy the SAME FUCKING LEVIS JEANS at Urban Outfitters or some other trendy SoHo clothing store, it costs 80 bucks. What they fuck? Is the store you buy something in REALLY worth the extra money? The shit probably came off the same truck! It was probably even made by the same one legged Indonesian eight year old.
People from outside North America who get on IRC and speak in ebonics when they barely speak real English at all. Ebonics isn't shortform English that's intended as an easier to learn equivalent. It's just bullshit. It's big in popular American media for the same reason professional wrestling and Paris Hilton are big in popular American media; because popular American media HIGHLIGHTS STUPIDITY. If you can't ask me where the shoe store is, what the pretty girl's name is or how much the lemonade costs, you have no fucking business calling anyone "PEEPS."
People such as tech support people who assume that something is true about your computer that isn't and insist that it is even though you can see plainly from your end that it isn't. The other day I was doing payroll at work and there was a guy that had been working with us for a month that still wasn't in the computer. I called up payroll to ask for his ID number so I could add him in manually. I wasn't even asking for support, just his goddamn number.
"Hello. Joe Blow's not in the payroll so I need to get his ID number to add him in manually."
"He's in it already."
"Not on this end."
"He's there. Look harder."
"I understand how alphabetical order works and he's not there."
"He's there. You're just not seeing him."
"He's not. Can I just have his ID number please so I can enter his hours and finish up and get out of here?"
"He's already gotten paychecks. He HAS to be there."
"HE ISN'T."
"Well if you add him in manually, it's going to cause a double entry and it's going to mess up because he's already there."
"Want me to email you a screenshot? Don't you think I would have already looked thoroughly before I decided to call you? HE'S NOT THERE."
"(Sigh) His number is 48764. Don't complain to me when you mess it up."
"Whatever." *CLICK*
Punchline: Joe Blow got paid. Sub-Punchline: Joe Blow is STILL not in the computer and has to be manually added again this week.
Computer programs and games that crash all the time and tech support's best advice is not to do something to correct the problem, but that you should save often. In other words, yes, it's going to crash all the time and yes, that means you're pretty much fucked. Thanks for the money, sucker! Oh, and be sure to buy the next version. Heh.. it's got .. Heh .. fixes... yeah right ... HAHAHAH!
The trend in corporate America where if a company increases profits 15% in one year, the best of the rank-and-file employees get a 4% raise and the upper management give themselves multimillion dollar bonuses, and when the company increases profits less than 15%, they lay hundreds of people off with the excuse that the company is in financial dire straits... and the upper management give themselves multimillion dollar bonuses claiming that they deserve it for saving the company money. "HO- HO! I'll just put this giant heap of money on top of my other giant heaps of money! It's the least I deserve for ruining people's lives!"
Advertisements for personal ad services that feature really beautiful models, sometimes even WELL-KNOWN PORNSTARS, implying that these women and many more like them actually post ads looking for people to meet on the service. Do I need to spell it out for you? That girl with the amazing body, perfect skin, full lips, pearly teeth and huge catlike eyes is a model, not a customer. She has absolutely no trouble meeting men, and in fact probably gets hit on so often that she thinks it's really annoying, hence wouldn't even consider posting a personal ad ever. In fact, a company that could choose from any of thousands of models chose her to promote their webpage. They PAID her for the right to show her picture to millions of people. In fact, she probably doesn't even know for what product her picture is being used, since it was probably shot by a modeling agency which simply sells pictures to advertisers. By striking contrast, you PAID to be able to post an ad and reply to other people's ads. On one side of the scale we have "So beautiful that she's paid just for her looks since she's so appealing that people will go to the website just because she's hot," and on the other side of the scale we have "So desperate that he resorted to paying to try to meet women on a website since he has no luck in the real world." Her meal-ticket is her face and body, whereas you're adding 20 bucks to your monthly bills because nobody notices you, and if they do, they're not impressed.
That fucking "RIGHT THURRRR" song. A while ago, I was on the subway and someone was talking about this song, complaining that today's rappers have given up on coming up with actual rhymes, and have instead resorted to bending the pronunciations of words so even words that don't rhyme at all are made to rhyme because they're mispronounced. Personally, I think the guy was being overly picky and ignoring the broader picture, in that TODAY'S RAP MUSIC COMPLETELY SUCKS ASS FROM ANY STANDPOINT. Complaining about this minor detail of modern Hip hop is akin to passengers in the Titanic's dining room complaining that they ordered their steaks medium rare, not medium as the water is rising around their necks. But to avoid going on too much of a tangent, save about 30,000 keystrokes and to try to contain my headache, I'll just address this specific gripe.
For those lucky enough to be completely unfamiliar with this idiotic song, the rapper "Chingy" mispronounces the last word in every line of the chorus to sound like "URRRR," which conveniently rhymes with the sound that retards make, "DURRRR." "Hair" becomes "HURRRR." "There" becomes "THURRR." "Stare" becomes "STURRR." You get the point, and it makes me ill even to type it, so that's enough examples. That seems to be the trend in Hip hop though. The DUMBER and SIMPLER they make it, the more people eat it up. I need only to refer back to the immense success of "Whoomp - There It Is," "Who Let the Dogs Out," "Milkshake," "O.P.P." and the like to reinforce this theory. The guy's name is "Chingy," for fuck sake. Should we expect anything but inanity to come out of the mouth of someone who picked such a stupid name? The guy could have called himself anything, but "Chingy" was the limit of his creativity. It's like some gibberish that would take a half a second to make up. "YO YO YO! We got some special guests in the MTV Studio today! We got CHINGY, his DJ, TOOTYBOP, his producer, FROOFRAM, and his protégé, ZOWWIE-POOKER! They're here to promote their new single, 'WOOGA-BOOGA-GOOGA-FOOGA (WHAT! WHAT!)!'"
That "Milkshake" song is just as bad. The chorus, and I use the word "chorus" loosely since 99% of the song is just repeating the chorus over and over and over, goes:
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And they're like, 'It's better than yours'
Damn right, it's better than yours,
I can teach you, but I have to charge."
Yes indeed, the rap world has been intellectually deepened and enriched by a song about a GIRL SHAKING HER TITS SO GUYS WILL STARE AT THEM. That's fucking brilliant. It repeats so much that all you need is one accidental listening while you're stuck waiting in line at the cd store and it's stuck in your head for DAYS, clawing away at your sanity. The only words that actually rhyme with each other ARE THE SAME FUCKING WORD, "YOURS." "CHARGE" does NOT rhyme with "YOURS." "YARD" rhymes with NEITHER "YOURS" nor "CHARGE," yet it's used as if it does. This song is selling fucking millions of copies, and it's such a fucking lazily written piece of shit. The music is just a simple loop sample, and the lyrics are not only simplistic, but from any kind of poetic rhyme scheme, THEY'RE INCORRECT. If you're going to be a lazy asshole and just say the same line over and over until even people who hate your guts and wish they'd never had the displeasure of stumbling over your shitty song even once, and now know all the words because you couldn't be bothered to actually write a whole song before you went to publish it, then at least have the common decency to write something that isn't completely idiotic. Is that too much to ask? Fuck you. Why does this dumb bitch get to be famous anyway? What makes her special? She's as attractive as half the girls on my train. Her monotonous "singing" has all the melodic range of a tracheotomy buzzer. She doesn't play any instruments. And get this! As stupid as her song is, SHE DIDN'T EVEN WRITE IT. So WHY, WHY, WHY is she not making ACTUAL milkshakes at fucking Dairy Queen for a living? As much as her song sucks balls, she obviously sucked plenty of them herself to land a job as a recording artist on a major label.
The fact that 90% of the time that I make fun of idiots like Chingy the way I did above, the instantaneous, instinctive response from their simple minded ghetto troll fans is "Y'all just jealous!" You truly think so? Jealousy isn't really the right concept. What's my reaction when morons strike it rich and become household names? Disgusted? Yeah. Disappointed in people's tendency to be duped by those undeserving of any praise or even attention? Yeah. Infuriated that I have to hear their dogshit blaring out of every open car window? Definitely yes. Jealous? Fuck no. Jealousy would imply that I would trade my life for theirs. That would be somewhat short-lived, since the first thing I'd do as Chingy is stop putting out bullshit music, cease being an idiot - which his fans wouldn't be able to relate to, spit on all my fans for being so utterly worthless and stupid for letting me get away with selling garbage, and buy some decent clothes that don't make me look like a 16 year old kid who stole his dad's credit card. All of this would ensure that I'd be right back where I am right now in a matter of a few weeks. Am I jealous? No. In fact, I remember back in the early 90's there were a few idiots that I knew would flop fast who put out really stupid music. Their fans immediately reached for the old standard: "Y'all just jealous!" How is Vanilla Ice's career now? MC Hammer's? Once I was accused of being jealous of Jonathan Brandis when I voiced how much I hated his guts. How's he doing now? Oh yeah, that's right! HE'S FUCKING DEAD!
People who you generally agree with who are so fundamentalist in their world views that they completely blow you off over some minor thing as though relating to them is an all or nothing proposition. They expect you to be their clone. For instance, if you're liberal, they expect you to adopt every single liberal view or else you're an asshole.
"I hate Bush."
"Me too."
"Cool! I disagree with the war in Iraq."
"Me too."
"Cool! I'm against the Patriot Act."
"Me too."
" Cool! I'm against sweatshop labor."
"Me too."
"Cool! I'm in favor of improving our plan for housing the homeless."
"Me too."
"Cool! I'm totally into preserving freedom of speech."
"Me too."
"Cool! I'm Pro-Choice."
"Me too."
"Cool! I'm anti-death penalty."
"Me too."
"Cool! I think they should do more research on renewable fuels that are less polluting than oil."
"Me too."
"Cool! I think that eating meat should be outlawed and that all farm animals should be set free and we'll all be vegan."
"Well, actually. I kinda enjoy eating meat."
"OH WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE!"
"What?"
"And here I thought you seemed cool!"
"So we disagree on one little thing. What's the big deal?"
"Get the fuck away from me, HITLER!"
Role playing games where you have to fight rats, bugs and little birds to build up your character and wouldn't stand a chance in hell of defeating anything humanoid even if he's only armed with a wet sponge for the first week of gameplay.
Phone people. "Hey dude, what's up? I'm just hangin' around. Dude - this movie sucks. It's all about this guy... Hang on - got another call.......... You there? That was my mom. She's crazy. She's all like 'Blah Blah Blah.' Damn this movie sucks. So anyway. What are you up to? Hang on.... Hello? Sorry. That was my mom again. I wonder what her problem is. Have you ever seen this movie? Uhhh... it's got that one guy in it... Damn this movie sucks. (Long pause while they watch the movie.) Aw dude! Here comes my dog. Awww You're a snuggler! C'mere! My dog is the coolest. C'mere, dude! Hang on. I have to feed him..... Hello? Cool. So like, I'm supposed to go hang out with Jenny later. She's all 'Let's go do something!' So I said yes. I really don't feel like doing anything. Damn this movie is the worst! Hang on - I gotta pee. I'll call you back in a bit." (2.5 minutes later) *RING RING* "Hey. I'm back. Damn this movie is bad." *CLICK*
People who are very vocal about how their ugly, spoiled, obnoxious, unintelligent, filthy, rude, destructive, subhuman brat is "the most amazing miracle."
People who actually care about the stories in video games AT ALL. Worse, they act like it's one of the most important parts of the game, outweighing gameplay, graphics, bugginess and general fun.
"Dude! How did you like that game I recommended? It's my favorite right now. See, like, you're in this old mansion that your family has owned since the 1600's. You inherited it after a distant uncle was killed under mysterious circumstances."
"But... The graphics are really sloppy and the gameplay feels really bulky. Is there a control that makes it so the character moves faster than a 90 year old with broken legs? Also, the whole selecting the gun from the inventory and equipping it shit gets really old when you have to do it every single time you want to shoot. The developers must have been fucking retarded if they didn't think that would get amazingly irritating after the second or third time you did it. I've been looking around for a couple of hours and I STILL haven't found a way to restore health or ammo. And what the hell is the deal with not having an option to remap keys? That's standard shit in practically every game on the market. Like I really want to use W, A, D, X to move around and P to jump! Fucking P?!?!? Of all things... P?!?!?!? Did you see that zombie werewolf sea turtle looking thing? What the fuck was that shit? Then when you kill something, half the time it freezes there like a statue and doesn't fall down and you can walk through it and shit. One time I shot this rat frog looking thing and it just disappeared and the audio got stuck in this loop so it sounded like buzzing. They didn't even line the textures up right. It looks like people's faces are smeared around to the sides of their heads. God, what shitty graphics!"
"But dude, didn't you read the insert? They went to an actual castle mansion in Romania to model the environment. It's really interesting. Another awesome thing is that the two main developers are brothers. Did you get to the part where the Aunt tells you about the strange virus? See, the uncle was in a secret society. Ohhh, man! I'd better be quiet. I don't want to ruin it for you!"
"I uninstalled it."
"DUDE! Some obscure gaming magazine that only 24 people have heard of says the plot is, quote, suspenseful, unquote! They gave it their highest rating! Only that game, Valusoft Grocery Shopping Extreme and Emo Moping Pro 2 have gotten their highest rating! Dude! You should give it a chance! You haven't even gotten to the part where the groundskeeper tells you about the uncle's affair! Ohhh, man! There I go spilling the plot again!"
This whole Metrosexual trend. Make it fucking stop already. As though it wasn't hard enough to find men in this country that weren't complete pussies, now women seem to WANT men to be their hip gay friend EVEN WHEN THEY'RE STRAIGHT. It's fucked up that people are actually becoming accustomed to the idea that straight men are supposed to be interested in lotion and manicures and aromatherapy candles, and what's worse, now I'm apparently not qualified to pick out my own clothing or furniture unless I have a "Queer Eye." The TV airwaves are loaded to the gills with "makeover" shows that attempt to make guys dress and decorate like they're gay. They always have the guy's girlfriend declaring a "fashion emergency" because he dresses like (get this) A NORMAL GUY. The "before" shots on these shows generally show guys wearing t-shirts, jeans, baseball hats, sneakers, and other quintessential HETERO-GUY-WEAR with the gay fashion police gasping in horror and laughing derisively that the guy would actually wear clothes that aren't dry-clean-only. Here's a novel idea. How about instead of changing the guy's appearance so he looks like a clone of one of the makeover guys, why not smack his girlfriend around for being a shallow cunt and not liking him the way he is and making him conform? Heaven forbid that his appearance should be based on his own individuality and what he's comfortable wearing and not his girlfriend's contrived, superficial expectations. Am I homophobic? No. Not at all. I have absolutely no problem sharing the world with gay men, as long as straight men can have the opportunity to meet women who aren't just looking for a guy who they can call "Girlfriend." Look. We don't care if our shirt is an exact complimentary color for our pants. We can wear a shirt without even knowing or caring what brand name it is or what fabric it's made from. Prada? What's that, a soft drink? When we think of the word "facial," the first image that comes to our minds is a guy blowing his load all over a girl's face, not an afternoon in a spa with classical music playing softly and pore opening fruit extracts on our faces. Why the fuck would we pay good money to have some quack rub mango pulp on our skin? That's valuable gambling / electronics purchasing / stripper tipping / traffic cop bribing / pay per view porn watching / automobile accessory buying money. We don't care if our hands are a little dry. Stray eyebrow hair? Who gives a fuck? Wax isn't for eyebrows, it's for cars. We aren't girls and we aren't gay. LEARN TO LIKE THIS FACT! Do not attempt to alter this reality. There are many benefits that come with dating real men. Having a guy who instantly notices and compliments your new purse and enjoys shopping with you at Bath and Body Works is not necessarily one of them. Want someone who listens like Richard Simmons? Then fucking call him up. We're men! We listen in a different way than women do... and that is to say that we pretty much DON'T LISTEN. We kinda listen a little bit, to the extent that we get the gist. We remember broad concepts like you were pissed at someone or were happy to see someone. We won't remember names or places or who said what to whom and wore the same thing as someone else. We hit a point that we just nod and occasionally go "uh-huh" when you rattle on too long. We're not Oprah, hence our brains turn off listening mode when you've talked about the same subject for more than 90 seconds. We won't always notice when you cut 1/10th of an inch off your hair even if you paid the salon 200 bucks to do it. We don't notice when you buy a new pair of shoes that looks almost exactly the same as 10 other pairs you own. Think my living room would look cooler with a bright yellow couch with purple throw pillows? Then you just keep that little idea to yourselves. We're MEN! GET USED TO THE IDEA! Should I state the obvious? Why should I trust the aesthetic sense of someone who thinks HAIRY MAN ASS is really gorgeous and woman ass exists merely because women need to take a shit sometimes?
Deodorant, toothpaste, breathmints, etc. that have a stripe that is advertised to be the "POWER STRIPE." Because, after all, same shit plus blue dye equals POWARRRR!
Anyone who interjects into a nostalgic conversation about 80's cartoons like G.I. Joe, The Transformers, MASK, etc. to add, "Dude! Captain Planet was kick-ass!"
Morrissey.
Comic strips that have 14 frames with gigantic dialogue bubbles in each frame with a wordy dissertation in each one. The hallmark of someone who's really bad at writing humor is making me sit through 100 bucks worth of exposition to get to the 50 cent payoff.
People who join a channel on IRC with the topic (in all caps) "SPEAK ENGLISH ONLY," and the very first thing they do is say, "Somebady speaks Türkýýsh?????///"
People who sat through a movie that they had only a faint comprehension of, but since it's a respected foreign/art/indy film, they list it among their favorites in an attempt to make people think they're intellectual.
The music segment of Saturday Night Live. I've hated this since I was a little kid. They either get some band that NOBODY likes, or some band that's really trendy at the time whose hit single you've already heard 20 million times. I see it as a lame time filler so they don't need to draw out their interminable unfunny sketches EVEN LONGER.
People who ask me really, REALLY stupid questions.
"What time should I be there tomorrow morning?"
"Seven."
"AM?"
(gritting teeth) "...............No............... You should be there at seven PM tomorrow morning. SCHLORPP CRACK SPLISH BLOOP!"
At this point, there's no more dialogue because the tentacles leap out of my eye sockets and crush his skull like a rotten cantaloupe under a car tire.
People who think that the definition of a Leftist is someone who doesn't think Republicans should be allowed to get away with whatever immoral, illegal, self-serving shit they want to do.
New York City public schools that take classes on field trips using subways. I don't take a school bus to work. Want to know why? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE SURROUNDED BY FIFTY SCREAMING TWELVE YEAR OLD BRATS!
Those stupid motivational books that millions of idiots buy to teach them to get rich through positive thinking. Let me toss you a hint, free of charge. If you're dumb enough to drop twenty bucks for three hundred pages of bunkum and platitudes, you don't have the common sense needed to ever get wealthy anyway, so get over the idea that you ever will be. Here is my list of ways to amass money that's much less full of shit than all those stupid books.
1. GET A JOB.
2. Keep this job. Guess what. I know this sounds really crazy, but you might
have to actually show up on time and go as long as five whole days between
calling in sick. Most businesses politely suggest that it might not be advisable
to show up to work drunk. Some places even expect you to do something called
"work."
3. Learn something... ANYTHING! Sitting around the house watching Judge
Judy does not teach you anything. If you don't know ANYTHING, then guess
how likely you are to land a job that doesn't involve pulling the fries
out of the deep fryer when the beeper goes off. Am I saying there's no nobility
in working a hard job that pays very little where the company you work for
employs so many expendable people that the manager of your unit doesn't
bother to remember your name until you've worked there for three months?
No way! I'm sure there's plenty of nobility in thankless backbreaking labor.
The problem is, nobility doesn't buy you a house in the Hamptons.
4. Gold chains, diamond rings, designer clothes that will be out of style in a month, lotto tickets, acrylic
nails, gold / platinum teeth, tipping strippers, tricking out your crappy Honda Civic, pot, buying
a computer on credit, buying a new BMW when you can barely afford your $400
a month rent, buying a 24,000 watt stereo that you can't put above 2 before
the neighbors call the cops, self help books = REALLY STUPID INVESTMENT DECISIONS.
The reason rich people can waste 200 bucks on a bottle of Cristal is because
they're (get this) RICH. If you aren't already rich, and hence able to shrug
off expensive luxury purchases without a second thought, don't blow all
your money trying to LOOK rich. "You like my leather jacket? It's fucking
awesome right? Yeah... now I just have to figure out how I'm going to eat
for the next couple of months."
5. Write a self help book for other suckers to waste their money on.
6. Put the job that you've stuck to and performed well at on your resume
and get a better job.
7. Repeat step 6 every few years.
8. Duh.
People who haven't found any new music that they enjoy in the last 25 years. Sure, Pink Floyd was great. The Doors were interesting. The Beatles had their moments. Fucking GET OVER IT. I can understand your feeling that most modern pop music is dogshit. It is. However, if you're reading this, you have internet access, hence you have NO EXCUSE for not exploring new music. There's an assload of great music that will never see 3 seconds of MTV airplay. Fucking find it and STOP WHINING, you fucking antiquated monomaniac. Refusing to give anything a chance unless Jerry Garcia colaborated with it doesn't make you "very selective" so much as it makes you a bigot with blinders on. Also, scouring the internet to find 450 bootleg concert recordings of the Rolling Stones singing the EXACT SAME SONGS over and over and over does not qualify as "finding new music to listen to." Oh, and by the way... Bruce Springsteen FUCKING BLOWS and he ALWAYS DID.
The fact that almost every movie out now has become little more than a ninety minute commercial for its officially endorsed fast food chain, car, clothing store, Starbucks, laptop computer, PDA, online service, cell phone, motorcycle, leather jacket, gum, soft drink, Baskin Robbins sundae, candy, shoes, band, camcorder, video store, TV channel, etc. etc. etc.
Women who don't know where to draw the line between using cosmetics to enhance their existing features and attempting to use liquid base to sculpt the head of a more attractive woman on top of their own. If you scrunch your nose and a flurry of plaster chips rains down, you just might be using too much. Nice orange collar, by the way, you iridescent tropical fish.
The fact that if someone says they worship the imaginary entity Satan, most people think, "Holy shit! That guy's insane!" Yet if they worship the equally imaginary entity Jesus, people think, "He seems like a really mentally stable person. I think a good quality in people is that they live in a fantasy world where invisible angels are waging a constant war against invisible demons for dominion over the human soul. That guy gets my vote next November!"
People who email me to tell me that they're disappointed in my page because something wasn't 100% factual, like I'm the Encyclopædia fucking Britannica. "Your reference to aggressive males having double y chromosomes is somewhat inaccurate because in test groups of men with double y chromosomes, they did not notice as much of an increased tendency for aggressive behavior as you make out, and not all aggressive criminal males have double y chromosomes." Well, fuck. Now I'll have to go back to medical school so I can learn to write more ACCURATE comedy. See, back when I was studying double y chromosome males in the hopes of one day writing 100% scientifically valid humor about them, I guess I was just too focused on getting my Doctorate. Sorry if I fucked up your thesis by publishing scientifically flawed humor. I didn't figure it would end up in your bibliography. When I wrote it, I didn't think anyone would be using it to study for their medical exams. The way I see it, if you're smart enough to get into medical school, you should be smart enough to sort absolute fact from humor, and yes, they can be mutually exclusive of each other and still work. I guess daddy must have greased a few people to get you in. When you get your own practice, I'm going to show up at your office complaining of possible hernia pains. When we're standing there, alone in your cold, sterile office, with my balls in your hand and you ask me to cough, I'm not going to. I'm just going to stand there with a creepy grin on my face as you fondle my balls asking me repeatedly to cough and to stop looking at you like that.
People who cry and complain about the advancement of technology. "Just when I spent $800 bucks on the best VCR money could buy, they came out with fucking Laser Disc... Now it's whoop-DEE-doo DVD! I guess they think I should just throw my Nikon n90 away because some assholes decided that digital was gonna be the next big thing. A few years ago I spent 250 bucks on a Voodoo 1 Video Card for my PC, and then like a year later they had something that was way better. In fact, my computer is pretty much obsolete for any new video games or applications. They must just be making the video games bigger and bigger and more and more resource-hogging on purpose! What the fuck! I just bought that computer four years ago! It's practically brand new the way I see it! It's a racket! They just keep coming out with better and better stuff just to make you spend money. Fuck them! I'll just play DOOM 1 until the end of time!" Look, Gramps. It isn't a conspiracy. They're not out to get you. That is the INHERENT, DEFINING nature of technology: IT GETS BETTER AND BETTER. That's what technology does. That's the whole fucking point. Don't like it? Take your little typewriter out to your little Montana cabin and follow in Ted Kaczynski's footsteps. Become a fucking Quaker for all I care.
Comics, TV shows, etc. where they run out of legitimate ideas so they turn to "Hey... What if Captain Kirk was in NAZI GERMANY!" "Ok like, it's Batman... BUT HE'S A MEDIEVAL KNIGHT!" Has the creative well run completely dry?
3D Shooter games that STILL don't have any sort of variable hit recognition. In "Freedom Fighters," if you shoot a guy in the face at point blank range with a sniper rifle, you'd better keep him in your cross hairs, because it counts for the same amount of damage as if you hit him in the foot from 100 yards with a pistol. In other words, get ready to shoot him two or three more times.
People who only buy DVD's of movies that you're already going to see on cable so many times that you could puke. Great way to spend 20-30 bucks there, mister common sense. Goodness knows you'll never see The Matrix again. Better get a hard copy just in case they stop showing it 8 times a day on multiple channels. You'll root through their DVD collection hoping to find something interesting and it reads off like a Blockbuster Video ratings chart. Ahh, let's see... We have Charlie's Angels, Spiderman, The Lion King, A Christmas Story, X-men, Jurassic Park, Minority Report, AI, Titanic... Gee. You basically have every movie that I could have tripped over 1000 times. I could have seen any of these far more times that I could have ever wanted to BY ACCIDENT on even basic cable. Odd that you don't have anything even slightly obscure. These are the guys who see Forrest Gump in the theatre five or six times, then watch it on HBO four or five times, then rent it a couple of times and then finally buy it. Guess what. It's the SAME EVERY TIME. There is nothing more you can glean from this movie. Some movies might need a second viewing to absorb all the details, but Forrest Gump is not one of them, and ANY movie is squeezed dry after three or four viewings, unless you're a vegetable. As you're standing in Virgin, about to slap down 27 bucks for a movie you've seen so many times you can quote all the lines with the audio turned off, look around. See all those thousands of little DVD boxes? In them are OTHER MOVIES, that you HAVEN'T seen 30 times. Not only that, but this is a mere fraction of the movies that are out there to see, and get this... many of them are even... GOOD.
The way that instant messaging programs like MSN Messenger, Yahoo! Messenger, AIM, etc. release new versions all the time and the only noticable changes are additional means of advertising to you in much more irritating ways.
People who haven't figured out how to post binaries on usenet without breaking them into 700,000 chunks that are each 12Kb.
The fact that you need to be over 21 with ID to buy non-alcoholic beer, yet you can buy Listerine, Scope, Robitussin, etc. when you're 6. Yes, I know that "non-alcoholic beer" has like .00000000000000001 percent alcohol, but that's still way less than is in mouthwash.
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung." --Voltaire
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken or sung is rapped." --negativepositive
People who use my desk for 30 minutes and it seems like it would have taken two days of solid work and a well planned checklist just to accomplish the meticulously thorough fucking up of my stuff. After they're finished, I sit down and notice that my chair is too short and the resistance is cranked way down on the tilt. Then I notice that my monitor is tilted way up, my mouse pad is down near the edge of the desk and that my keyboard is shoved almost halfway under the front edge of the monitor. At this point, I'm already pissed. My nose and eyes burn from a miasma of perfume that hangs over my desk like a cloud of mustard gas; enough perfume to make a rhino smell like a French whore for months. I reach for my stapler and notice that some left handed bastard has moved it, along with my tape dispenser, post-it notes and paper clips to the left side of the desk. I pick a big, gooey crumb of blueberry muffin that is partially dissolved by slobber out from between the U and Y keys of the keyboard with a pencil. My staple puller has about 30 staples stuck on one of its jaws like it's the multiple-pierced eyebrow of a Slipknot fan. I reach for my pen jar and find that there's only one pen left out of the 20 or so that I remember being there. As soon as I touch it, I feel that the end is all chewed up and that it's STILL FUCKING WET WITH DROOL. I throw my last pen in the trash and notice that there's almost no room in the wastebasket because it's filled over the rim with enough garbage to make a new Staten Island even though only 30 minutes ago there was a Pepsi can and a couple of pieces of paper in it. I look at the garbage and notice that part of it, crumpled up and stained by coffee beyond any hope of restoration, is the only copy of a project that I spent six hours working on yesterday. I also see bits of broken glass and determine that it's from the picture frame that USED to be hanging on my wall. No other parts of the picture or frame can be found anywhere. I turn on the computer monitor and step back in time to 1992 as the resolution is set to 640x480 8 bit color. Not only that, but they took the fucking time to CHANGE THE COLOR SCHEME AND SET THE DESKTOP IMAGE TO A PICTURE OF TWO FAT PEOPLE THAT I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE IN MY LIFE. They look like a happy couple and all, but the girl has a bigger mustache than the guy and WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING ON MY COMPUTER?!?!?! At this point, while changing my password, I find that the Backspace key is no longer attached to the keyboard, but is instead just resting loosely, balancing on its broken stalk. I reach for the mouse and my arm lays in a sticky, brown circle left behind by a coffee cup that must have had 18 sugars in it. As I move the mouse, I notice that the cursor skips around and is inaccurate. I turn the mouse over and see a big wad of filthy fuzz that looks like five year's worth of Cap'n Lou Albano's belly button lint as well as more soggy muffin chunks. After spending about 15 minutes reconfiguring the printer, whose drivers seem to have magically vanished and now only spits out page after page of random ascii characters from top to bottom, I decide to go online. Wow! My homepage has been set to the "Soap Opera Digest" homepage! I hit "favorites" to set it back the way I had it and find that 17 new bookmarks have been added, mostly for things such as "Dr. Phil," which I despise. I pick up the phone to call the person and gripe, but as I'm about to put the handset to my head, I notice that the ear and mouth pieces look like they've been smeared with bacon grease. Update Mar 1,'05: Today I opened something I had been working on in Word. Nearly every word on the page had that little squiggly red "misspelling" line under it. I opened the spellcheck settings and found that the spellchecker had been set to ARGENTINIAN SPANISH. Gee, I wonder how that could have happened, Ms. Vila.
Cam Sluts who think that being a Cam Slut is the same thing as being a Model.
Americans who think they're intellectuals because they use British pronunciations whenever there's a difference from the American English pronunciation, I.E. "again = ah-GAIN, been = bean, tomato = to-MAH-to, privacy = PRIVVacy, advertisements = adVERTissments, vitamins = VITTamins, patronize = PATT-ruh-nize." You don't sound intelligent, you sound fake and pretentious. Stop trying so hard, you fucking stuffed shirt.
The ghetto trolls that live below me that think that it's perfectly ok to blast the very worst music on the entire planet through concert speakers at full blast ALL DAY. RAP, SPANISH SHIT, REGGAE and the WORST OF TECHNO blasts through my floor so loudly that it sounds like I'M playing it loudly, and IT ALL SOUNDS THE FUCKING SAME! In Moronland, the quality of music is inversely proportional to how loudly it's played, and they prove this theory with flying colors. Then when I get tired of my furniture rattling and stomp on the floor, they come upstairs and start barking at me in that ghetto Rikki Lake guest way that only a Bronx high school dropout can. Like inbred talk show guests, they essentially seem to believe that screaming at me louder than I scream at them justifies doing whatever they want; that a loud stereo is its own justification, that buying it buys the license to play it at 250 decibels 24 hours a day.
Lame excuses I've heard so far:
"It's not coming from my apartment." Oh, then I guess you won't mind if I jump on the floor over the heads of the people who ARE really blasting that garbage. Go back to your little rathole then. Since it's not you, I guess it wasn't me stomping on the floor either.
"It's not that loud." Oh, of COURSE it isn't. The water in my aquarium is rippling because there's a Tyrannosaurus outside like on Jurassic Park.
"BUT IT'S A SATURDAY!" Because that matters somehow. Loud dogshit sounds the same regardless of what day it is.
"What do you mean turn my shit down? That's not shit, that's MUUUUUSIC!" Shit sounds like music to morons, I suppose. Like I'm going to say, "Ohhhh - I thought it was shit. It's music? Ok then. Carry on."
"I pay my rent." Like I don't. The difference is, my neighbors don't call the cops on me 5 times a day.
"Faggot!" If you can't think of anything intelligent to say, do the next best thing: show the world how much of an idiotic, bigoted asshole you are with unfounded insults. So I guess you concede that you have no valid arguments then.
"I can do whatever I want in my apartment!" Sure you can. Blast your stereo. Hide corpses. Blow up hydrogen bombs. Do whatever you want. After all, you pay your rent.
"It's a holiday!" So much for anyone but you enjoying it.
"We pay more rent than you." Like you would even know. Plus, lower-level apartments are not known for being The Ritz, so I doubt it. Yeah, obviously the apartment that opens up at street-level into the middle of a BUS STOP and has fresh graffiti on the door two or three times a day so the half inch thick spray paint is never really dry is the one that's in demand. So paying more rent plays into some sort of rock-scissors-paper right to annoy the the living shit out of people around you? Help me with the logic.
"We can hear you walking around sometimes." Yep. Humans walk, at least most of them. Being "able to hear" me walking around is not the same as it sounding like fucking Ja Rule is in my living room, standing on a stack of concert speakers, yelling for 8 hours solid. If that was happening, I'd spray him with Raid and kick him so hard in the nuts that the pubes would shove up through his body and his shitty little prepubescent mustache would finally grow in right. Actually, now that I think of it, that would be pretty fun to do even if I saw Ja Rule walking down the street minding his own business, that little punkass!
"We can hear you stomping on the floor like you're jumping." GEE! I WONDER WHY I WOULD DO THAT! It couldn't have anything to do with being tired of my feet vibrating in 4/4 time all day long. Last time I checked, stomping on the floor while the neighbor below is blasting shitty music for hours is sort of universally understood to mean "SHUT THE FUCK UP, ASSHOLES!"
Then they try to insult my intelligence by lying right to my face about shit that we both know isn't true. "Yeah, well last night around 5am you were blasting music." I haven't been awake at 5am in months. "Yeah, well two nights ago you were blasting music and jumping." On the night in question, nobody was even in the apartment. This post might grow. I imagine (and hope) they'll eventually get evicted. In any case, it was funny watching them argue most of the same points with the cops and having the cops just tell them to turn their stereo down or they'll get a summons. "BUT IT'S SATURDAY!" How fucking stupid do you have to be to yell at the cops when they are telling you to comply with the law, and are telling you what the law is, and you're arguing back with your ignorant, incorrect assumption about what YOU THINK the law should be? "Hell yeah, I killed him, officer! He pissed me off! So what?! But... IT'S A SATURDAY!"
The pretentious names for the sizes of coffee at Starbucks. Here's a novel concept. SMALL! MEDIUM! LARGE! Noooo. You have to be annoying and special (special meaning retarded, not unique). Where else but fucking Starbucks would "Tall" mean anything but Large? Noooo. At Starbucks, "Tall" means The SMALLEST SIZE! Well that TOTALLY makes sense. When I think of something tall, the first thing that comes to mind is "diminutive." Then you have "Grande." Oh, please tell me this means Large. Does it? Tell me, please! The suspense is killing me! "Grande" literally means "Large," so obviously this is Large, right? WRONG! "Grande" means MEDIUM in Starbucks Land. WHAT? So what is "Large" at Starbucks, if not "Tall" or "Grande?" "Venti." Huh? What the fuck does that even mean?!?!?!? It's Italian. It means "Twenty." WHAAAAAAT?!?!?!? WHY?? Someone strangle whoever came up with this shit. What's worse is that the little 6 buck an hour high school dropout drones they have working there get all righteous on you if you ask for a Large. "Uhhh.." they say as they sneer sarcastically, "a VENTI?" IT'S LARGE! Always has been, always will be. Now pour the fucking coffee in the biggest cup so I can be on my way to my job where I make enough that I can afford to drop FIVE DOLLARS FOR A CUP OF COFFEE! Jesus. Don't get me started on that.
"Hey. You got any tea?"
"You mean Tazo Chai?"
"DIE! DIE! DIE, YOU PRETENTIOUS SHIT!"
Fake Lois Vuitton, Coach, Fendi, Burberry, Gucci purses, wallets, etc. What's the fucking point? First off, that diarrhea brown with the zillion logos is fucking ugly, but more amusingly, anyone who's likely to be impressed can tell it's fake without taking a second look. The only reason anyone would wear that nasty brown with the gaudy logos everywhere is because items by the actual designer are exorbitantly overpriced and the buyer wants to make sure everyone thinks that they wasted a bunch of money. Nice fake Coach purse. What does the G stand for, "GOACH?" You bought it only for the logo, so why would you buy something with a logo that is so obviously fake that someone can figure it out with only a passing glance? Beyond that, anyone who bought the genuine article deserves to be laughed at for wasting their money. So basically, you're a dumbass whether it's real or not.
Online forms, particularly for secure logins or web-based email, that allow you to begin typing before they're fully loaded, then the cursor jumps back to the beginning of the first box, so you look up and see:
User ID: sswordUsername
Password: Pa
Video games that would be really easy if the controls weren't so completely fucked.
Self-appointed Movie Reviewers who HATE EVERYTHING in an attempt to look snotty and elite and sophisticated. "Look Elsewhere," is their favorite phrase, as Almighty Cinema Gods. "I AM ABOVE THIS. DO NOT TRIFLE WITH SUCH INANITY. I HAVE DEEMED THIS FILM UNFIT. LOOK ELSEWHERE. SO SAYETH THE BORED NERD." The only movies they say they like are those which they would be totally derided for panning. IMDB is a great place to find these pretentious twits. This guy totally couldn't see the point of movies like Fight Club, The Mission, Pi, Kids, and Rushmore, and offers this advice to anyone interested in seeing Akira: "If you want a good animation feature rent The Little Mermaid." Oh, WHOOPS! Did your utter lack of taste just peek out there? Can I fetch you a heaping serving of Total Recall, which you gave an 8 out of 10, or maybe some Hudson Hawk, which you touted as "an enjoyable lark." You hated Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas because it "Wasn't The Big Chill"and recommend that "American Boomers" should avoid it. The simple fact that this ignoramus cluelessly thought that the fucking Baby Boomers are who it was aimed at should show how invalid his opinions are. I love how these smarmy little shits review EVERYTHING and will completely trash anything that is fairly universally regarded as unique, artistic or interesting, then their crappy tastes will peek out and reveal the horrible lack of objectivity of their criticism. The only time they won't rip something to shreds is when it wins an OSCAR, because after all, winning an Oscar means the movie is completely above criticism </sarcasm> (although this particular guy hates nearly everything). They even go so far as to note specific things about movies, which, if fixed, would have made an otherwise "shitty" film Oscar-Worthy. Oh, thanks for your creative input, Mister Certified Public Accountant / Gas Station Attendant / Lawn Care Specialist / Telemarketer / Waiter / Security Guard. I'm sure Scorsese and Copolla are hanging on your every syllable to see how your artistic vision could enrich and strengthen their filmmaking styles and maybe help them win an Oscar next year. It couldn't be much more obvious who we're dealing with, when this guy said he "Recommends X-men highly," and liked Big Momma's House for its "really rib-tickling slapstick," but then says "The Thin Red Line just confused me." Side note: Yeah - I know I wreck a lot of movies on my Movie Ruiner, but then, it's a Movie RUINER. The difference is - I'm doing it to be funny. Sure - Those geeks are funny... but not intentionally.
PROFESSIONAL Movie Reviewers who LOVE everything. Could you make it more obvious that you're just paid to hype? You're not a reviewer, you're an ADVERTISER. It couldn't have been much more obvious when they gave Donnie Darko two thumbs up and four stars. I know a lot of people liked that corny teen scream bunch of lame computer animation, but come on. Four stars? The HIGHEST POSSIBLE RATING? Please. Citizen Kane, Casablanca, The Godfather, The Shawshank Redemption, Apocalypse Now... Donnie Darko. ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS - ONE OF THESE THINGS DOES NOT BELONG.
Anyone who has the slightest iota of sympathy for Rush Limbaugh.
First he resigned from ESPN for making blatantly racist remarks, which, of course, he still doesn't think were racist, since racism is so deeply rooted in his persona as a keystone of his character that he can't even tell when he's saying something racist. In a way, it's almost understandable that he doesn't realize that what he said was offensive. His usual audience not only agrees with his racism, but lauds him for it. He's used to speaking to his army of millions of "Dittoheads" who all nod feverishly in agreement with everything that spouts out of his roaring noise tube, because they're just as racist as he is. The only difference now is that he finally got called on it. He didn't say anything all that different than what he's been saying for years on the radio. He's just not accustomed to speaking to the more neutral audience that watches football commentary. When Hitler spoke to Nazi Germany, they cheered. If he spoke at Madison Square Garden, they would scream for his blood. When you go on the Rush Limbaugh Show and say that a black athlete is being praised simply for being black, all the Dittoheads nod, nod, nod. When you go on a sports show on national tv and say it, you get to resign for being a racist dumbass.
Then he got busted for illegally using the prescription painkiller (and party drug), OxyContin, which is a federal offense. His housekeeper brought the story to the news, and like any other story of a poor person who busts a rich person, the media immediately questioned her credibility. Then Rush admitted to his addiction and his illegal buying of OxyContin on his own show. Still the media questioned the housekeeper's motivation in bringing the story forth, even after Rush admitted his guilt. I guess when you're a complete asshole, the people you step on don't go out of their way to protect you.
For years, Rush and most Republicans, have called for harsher and harsher penalties for drug dealers and users. They have advocated such punishments as labor camps or life in prison and even the death penalty for people found guilty of what they see as an unforgivable crime. In his OWN WORDS, he said the government should "find the ones who are getting away with it, convict them, and send them up the river" The Dittoheads, of course, agreed wholeheartedly, and voted Republican in record numbers. Many Republican politicians say publicly that they have Rush to thank, at least in part, for the fact that they are in office. Rush has indoctrinated massive leagues of Americans with his fascist beliefs, so WHERE ARE THEY NOW? Where are those hard-line conservative values? Where is that militant determination to make America clean and pure the way Jesus would want it? Where are all the Republicans looking to nail the junkie to the fullest extent of the law? Now that Rush himself has been busted for illegal use of OxyContin, where are the masses of Dittoheads crying for the head of the dastardly evildoer? If they truly believe that all drug offenders should be "sent up the river," why should that treatment be too harsh for one of their own? "Well that's different, because, well... uhhh... hmmm... he's...uhhh... he's uhh..." HE'S RICH AND WHITE AND CONNECTED. Those are the words you're searching for, fucking hypocrites! Why should he get away with it, because you like him? Should he be exempt from following the law because he's on fucking TV? What are the Dittoheads crying? "Life in prison?" "Hang him?" "He's a hypocrite?" "He lied to us?" NO WAY! They're crying, "POOOOR, POOOOOR RUSH! He's a sad, lonely man who deserves our sympathy (unlike those lower class minorities who get busted for the exact same crime). He has chronic pain (sort of like the chronic pain that MOST people in the working class have). He's had a hard, unfulfilling life (though we couldn't give half a shit how hard or fulfilling someone's job flipping burgers or soldering circuit boards is)." What do I have to say? FUCK RUSH. I've hated his guts for years for being such a pompous, egotistical, backwards Nazi who's so in love with his own voice that he probably has to wipe the cum off his shorts after each show. Now I get to hate him and his Dittoheads even more for being blatant hypocrites. He's sad and unfulfilled? Bullshit. He's SUPER RICH and hosts the most listened to talk radio show in history. He's lived a life of privilege and glut. He's a force in American politics that can't be ignored. He's lonely? He's got fucking teeming hordes of millions of fans! He's got chronic pain? DON'T WE ALL? Why won't they hold him up even to HIS OWN standards? Simple. He's RICH, he's got Republican friends in high places, he's famous and he's WHITE, which, in the eyes of American conservatives makes him simply a respectable citizen who's fallen on hard times, and makes the crime somehow different than if it was committed by a minority living in a crappy neighborhood and squeaking by on a biweekly paycheck that's less than Rush spends on his gourmet lunch daily. If it's Rush, "HE NEEDS OUR HELP!" If it's someone who's not lucky enough to own a 30 million dollar house like Rush does, "FUCK EM! THROW 'EM IN JAIL AND LEAVE THEM THERE!" If you're Rush, and you buy 30,000 OxyContin pills, they leave you alone. If you're Joe Blow from the South Bronx, they ruin your life over a couple of ounces of pot. Of course, Rush and his followers believe that the poor deserve no help at all, and that includes legal help. When the uneducated poor turn to selling drugs as their only remaining means of making real money, or use drugs as a desperate means of coping with their squalid existence, Rush and his listeners want them prosecuted with impunity. Public defenders in America are for all intents and purposes paid to offer the Justice system the path of least resistance, practically coercing guilty pleas from most who seek their help. "You'd better just go ahead and plea bargain, if you know what's good for you. You want a new lawyer? Well, I'm the lawyer assigned to you. If you want, you could hire your own lawyer, but then you'd probably end up paying massive legal bills while your family starves for the rest of your life, so you'd be better off just signing here on the dotted line." Rush won't be needing their "services." No doubt he already has a top notch lawyer, nay, LEGAL TEAM hard at work. Mark my words, Rush will never see so much as the lobby of a Federal prison (or courthouse for that matter) for this, which will prove the hypocrisy and hidden purpose of the right wing's War on Drugs. It was never a war on drugs in the first place. It's always been a war on minorities and the under class, because if you're white and rich and have powerful friends, you never do time, but if you're a societal "undesirable" (aka poor and black), you're FUCKED. The fact that Rush will walk away from this clean will prove whom the War on Drugs was designed to hurt, whom it was designed to serve, and whom is exempt from its laws. Treat Rush the same way you treat other drug offenders. Toss him in the fucking slammer. Maybe you should donate his entire estate to charity, while you're at it. (Side note: Donating money to the Republican Party is the exact polar opposite of charity.)
Why does this picture seem so familiar?
Oh yeah, now I remember. Self-righteous hypocrites always put on a hell of a show when they get nailed.
People who only seem to hear you when you aren't talking to them.
Girls who wear ruffled, frilly bras under tight babydoll t-shirts. Those look hot when all you're wearing is a bra, but under a smooth, form-fitting shirt, smoothness is key. Congratulations. It looks like you stuffed your shirt with broccoli.
Turn-based role playing games. Whose idea was this? Obviously it was someone who has never been in a real fight. "Ok. Now that I've punched you really hard, I'll stand here and let you punch me back. Why are you looking at me like that? Seriously, punch me. It's your turn, so if you don't punch me, run away, try to steal something from me or use something that's in your pockets, we'll be standing here all day."
Guys on 56k dialup connections that set up ftp sites. Just dont.
"Du-Rags." What the fuck do you think you are, a pirate? Fine. Hold still. Quit squirming. The peg-leg, hook hand and eye patch are part of the package deal, so stop moving so I can hold the hack saw straight. You'll dig the parrot. He knows how to curse.
People who say everything in the form of a whine. Welcome to Earth. Your happiest possible reality is not always ready to be served on a silver platter the instant you think of it, and YES, we ARE going to go eat at that restaurant you hate, and NO, the eight of us AREN'T going to change our minds because WE all LIKE it. If you don't like it, STAY HOME AND EAT CEREAL, crybaby. NO, it's not cold in here. NO, I'm NOT going to change the channel. NO, it's not time to go home. YOU are not the ONLY one who has to be up early for work tomorrow, and you KNEW we were going to stay out late when you decided to hang out. Get four hours of sleep like the rest of us, or get a fucking cab, and NO, you can't have any money for the fare! "But I'm SLEEPY!" TAKE A DIRT NAP, fucker! Maybe we won't be able to hear the shrill fluctuations of your griping voice through six feet of tightly packed soil. Whining is fucking annoying as shit when EIGHT YEAR OLDS do it. Why would you think people will put up with it from an adult?
People who automatically assume that I'm a follower of an opposing religion when I make fun of theirs. If I make fun of Islam, "Oh, you must be a Jew." If I make fun of Christianity, "What are you, a Satan worshipper?" Since when did pointing out bullshit require adherence to some other bullshit? It's more the case that if I followed a religion, I'd be just as stupid and would have no right to point out the flaws of other religions. I can just hear Pat Robertson now. "Hahaha! Wiccans are stupid! They believe that the Earth has magical powers! Don't they know that everything's controlled by an invisible man in the sky? HAHAHA! Stupid Wiccans!"
Guys who say they read Playboy for the articles and aren't trying to sound like they're joking. That's akin to saying you jack off for the cardiovascular benefits.
The fact that there are enough goddamned Christmas songs that every greedy department store in America can pipe in Christmas music from the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas day from opening to closing and NEVER repeat, even if they skip over the patently religious ones to ensure they don't offend any possible consumers with fat wallets, yet I can't think of single fucking Halloween song despite the fact that it's an infinitely cooler holiday than Christmas. Actually, now that I think about it, I remember "Every Day is Halloween" by Ministry, but that's just embarrassing so I'm going to pretend I can't remember it.
People who page me, then 15 seconds later when I call them back, they let it go to voice mail. Fuck you. No, seriously.
People who page me twice in rapid succession before I'm physically able to even reach in my pocket, pull out my cell phone and dial. Look. Nothing that I could help you with over the phone is that urgent. If you've got that bad of an emergency on your hands, you don't need me, you need to dial 911. Besides, if you keep hammering my pager like that, you're going to need 911 anyway.
Insane cat people. Look. I know you love your cat. I love mine too. Do I play with it and pet it and brush it? Yes. Do I make sure it's healthy and fed and has plenty of clean water and a comfortable place to sleep? Yes. Do I tell friends I can't hang out with them because I need to get home early because the cat is at home alone and lonely so I need to spend some time with it or it will get annoyed and destroy something? No. Do I give it only bottled water and certified 100% organic food? No. Does my cat take priority over my job, my friends or my personal happiness? No. Liking your cat is fine as long as you keep in focus about what a cat is. Cats are whores. Their survival instinct far outweighs any sort of bonding you may imagine they are capable of. Your cat "loves" you because you provide for its needs so it can be lazy instead of surviving on whatever meat it can catch or scavenge. Want to be a cat's best buddy? Feed it. I like my cat, but I'm well aware that it considers me its sugar daddy. I'm sure she's happier eating Iams instead of the insect / garbage / sewer rat diet she would get without me. If you died in your house with your cat, and enough time passed that your cat's food dish was empty, your cat would start eating you. In fact, you might not even have to be dead, just incapacitated as they EAT YOU ALIVE. What a strong, loving bond! The idea that cats need people is an absurd notion. Cats survived for a lot longer than humans have been around, and those old instincts kick in as soon as you stop feeding them. Then they switch back into hunting mode or find some other human to latch onto like a lamprey. One person I know said, without even thinking she sounded weird, that the best way to get kicked out of her house was to move her cat. "It's the cat's house. If the cat is on the couch and there's no other place to sit, then I guess you're sitting on the floor, because you're not going to move my cat from his place. It's his spot." What a great host you are! Be an asshole to your guests so as not to inconvenience your PET. That is the word, by the way. "PET!" Not "Friend." Not "Companion Animal." "PET." People have had PETS since the beginning of humanity. All of a sudden, after hundreds of thousands of years, some fruity animal rights hippies think they are going to change how PETS are perceived to further their goofy agenda by changing their name to "Companion Animals?" When you fill out forms at the Vet's office, it doesn't have a box that says "Buddy" or "Cohabitant" or "Companion." It does, however, have one that says "OWNER." The same girl also says she can't dump her crappy boyfriend because he's the only guy that the cat has ever liked. You're determining a guy's value by how your PET reacts to him? Why not just get a boyfriend that matches the fucking furniture? I've also heard this one. "My cat and I have a special bond. He hates everyone but me. If I don't come home and play with him, he gets lonely and pees on my bed. Also, if I get a new boyfriend, or if he smells other cats on me, he gets really jealous and shits on my clothes, and when I try to pet him, he scratches me." I know how a cat psycho wants me to react to this. "Awww! The poor kitty! He MISSES you. How adorable!" However, my actual reaction is, "Wow! What a piece of shit. You should get it put to sleep." What does it say about your social life when you're in a codependent relationship with a creature that has a brain the size of a fucking walnut? Seek professional help.
Yahoo! Chat. Nearly every time you try to join a room, it says, "This room is full. Please try another room." Then when you finally get in, you find out that the room is full because 3/4 of the users in it are SPAM BOTS and there are absolutely no moderators.
Adults that should wear bibs when they eat. Look. If a chunk of food the size of a cashew can stick to your face and you don't feel it.... you're a monkey. Sorry, but humans feel that kind of shit.
Idiots in the subway who swipe their Metrocard and it says "Insufficient Fare" so they swipe it again and again, then they move to another turnstile and swipe it over and over. Look. If it couldn't read it, it would say "Please swipe again." The fact that "Insufficient Fare" popped up isn't the result of not reading your card correctly, it's the result of reading it perfectly and you being broke. Now get out of the fucking way before I help you clog up the card reader with bits of skull. Maybe it would be less confusing if instead of "Insufficient Fare" it rang a loud bell and put a blinking neon sign over your head that said "BROKE LOSER: PLEASE LAUGH DERISIVELY AND PUMMEL ME WITH MALLETS!"
Simulation Games. I could never really grasp what people liked about games like Microsoft Flight Sim. It's been amazingly popular for years, despite being duller than Andy Rooney's observational humor. Are there any alien space ships attacking? No. Does the jet transform into a giant robot who attacks Tokyo? No. It's fucking BORING. I would almost understand if the graphics were amazingly realistic, but they AREN'T EVEN. "Look at me! I'm Flying around aimlessly over a boring landscape! Whoopieee!" I see that Microsoft is now making a train simulator. A TRAIN simulator! Tracks, tracks, and more tracks. Dinah blow your horn... or why don't you just blow ME! "Watch me go! I can go faster or slower! Steer? Steering is for people with enough motor skills to tie their shoes, and I'm all velcro, Baby!" Given the strange marketability of these boring, nerdy games, I thought I'd make some suggestions.
"Snooze Commander"
Everything is black for nine minutes, then you hear this grating alarm clock noise. You then have to look around until you're oriented to which direction you're laying and reach over and smack the alarm clock so you can get to see another nine minutes of black screen - ULTRA-REALISTIC black screen made with the latest in skeletal physics and total realtime 3D rendered black screen technology! Here's the tricky part. You can only hit it so many times or you'll be late for work and you lose. You also have to make sure to hit the snooze and not the 'alarm off' switch or you lose. (Microsoft Snoozemaster 3D controller required. System Requirements: P4 2.4ghz or greater, 1gig RAM, GeoForce4, 2gigs free hard drive space)
"Emo Moping Pro"
This is set in a realistically rendered 3D environment THAT DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YOU. Stroll aimlessly through a bullshit corporate landscape which you detest, viewed through intentionally nerdy glasses and keep your angst points up. Hang out in the coffee shop and write whiney, clichéd poetry, that will later be put on your webcam portal blogger page. For bonus angst points, stay out past curfew and tell your parents that they're ruining your life by not letting you go to the Getup Kids show. Bonus points are gained by spending unholy amounts of money on fake vintage clothing that looks ragged when it's brand new.
The "More Hardcore Than Thou" attitude that creates infighting and divisions in subcultures that would otherwise have solidarity and be fun. What happened to Punk? Rave? Industrial? Goth? Metal?
"Dead Kennedys isn't as hardcore as Screeching Weasel, therefore they suck and YOU suck for liking them."
"You like Nine Inch Nails? What a poser!"
"Remember Dave from that industrial band we saw last weekend? I hung out at his place and he had a Tori Amos CD on his cd shelf." "HAH! What's up with that?"
"The new Marilyn Manson album came out, but it sucks because it doesn't sound exactly the same as their old stuff. You liked it? Pffft. Whatever."
"Remember Jennifer from the club? Well, I bumped into her the other day when she was on her way to work. She was wearing this stupid blue button down shirt and didn't even have any makeup on. Hah! I guess she's only Goth on the weekend."
"That club sucks. Nevermind the fact that someone had the balls to put forth the money and effort to put together a place that caters to a small cross section of this town that had no other outlet for what we like. Nevermind that they're probably doing a lot less business than they potentially could by catering only to what we like, which alienates the generic college kids and adults over 25. I'm going to be a total nitpicker and gripe about everything from the decor to the crowd to the location to the bartender to the covercharge to the DJ. They play the same music every week. I mean, I know they're playing all the same music because we would all turn our noses up at anything else, and complain because they were playing stuff with which we weren't already familiar, but it's boring. So either way, I think I'll stop supporting the only club within 200 miles that plays the music I like, and snicker at anyone who thinks it's a cool place, so they'll probably start thinking it's lame and stop going too."
Great job, assholes. Your snobby, divisive attitude drives people out of your subcultures, and generally they end up turning into "normals." Then you have the audacity to complain about being bored and lament that your town "used to have a cool scene."
Few things have caused me to lose faith in humanity's ability to sort dogshit from meaningful art more than the fact that the absolutely talentless Disney Channel creature, Hillary Duff, has a CD that hit NUMBER ONE on the popular music charts. This is like one of the signs of the Apocalypse or something. Revelations 22:10 "When the most undeniably corny, idiotic, untalented tart in the land steals the coin of the masses, then shalt ye know that the end is nigh. Thou shalt know her by her plastic smile, the vacant doll-like stare and the sign of the ears of the rodent. Her movie shalt be without upward thumbs and none of the four stars are anywhere to be found." Even her name means "n. Slang The buttocks" and "v. To treat or manipulate so as to give a specious appearance to; to fake; hence, to cheat." THIS ASS IS FAKING TO CHEAT YOU OUT OF YOUR MONEY! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? She's a FAKING ASS CHEAT, BY LITERAL DEFINITION!
Cat food commercials that go on and on about the healthy grains and vegetables in their products. What? Since when are cats vegetarians. Ever run a cat out of your vegetable garden for eating all your carrots? The only times I've seen cats eating vegetable matter is when they eat grass to ease upset stomach... because it makes them PUKE. Ever see a housecat in the back yard hunting? They seem to go after birds and squirrels rather than zucchinis, don't they. Millions of years of evolution have given them sharp claws and pronounced fangs for catching and holding prey, scissor-like molars for tearing muscle tissue off bone, and a digestive tract that specializes at processing flesh. Obviously, their forward pointing eyes with motion sensitive night vision was developed for stalking CORN. Until grain farmers find themselves in need of special pesticides designed to curb cat populations in their fields, these cat food companies will be completely full of shit. Are there cats on farms? Of course. They're there in search of rodents that feed on grain. Want to know why cat food companies are propagandizing you to believe cats want vegetables? They're CHEAPER. If they spend four bucks to make a bag of cat food based on meat or fish, for which you pay eight bucks, they make less profit than if they spend a dollar fifty and still charge you eight bucks... OR MORE because they've fooled you into believing it's healthier. Of COURSE they want you to fall for it. They know you love your cat and they know that telling you that a vegetable diet is healthier will tug your heart strings. Vegetarians are particularly easy to hook with this scheme. The problem is that cats are not supposed to eat the same things humans eat. Humans are omnivores. Cats are carnivores. Nevermind that a cat in a wheat field would pay no attention to the wheat at all, but would spend all his time hunting mice, "YOUR CAT LOVES GRAINS! Healthy (inexpensive) grains!"
School Uniforms. While I can understand the desire to have a classroom free from disruptive clothes, I don't think turning kids into little Hitler Youths is the way to do it. These poor kids have their whole adulthood to fit in and conform and shop at the Gap to look exactly the same as all the robot units in all the other cubicles. Give these poor kids the one opportunity they'll get in their lives to discover their individuality while they're young enough that having funny hair doesn't keep them from paying rent or buying food.
Movie fight scenes. These usually suffer from one of the following unrealistic extremes: People can be knocked out cold with one punch. Seemingly anyone can perform one of these amazing instant knockouts and the person knocked unconscious will not wake up until the person who punched them has them tied up or has run away to safety. A 240 pound guy can be punched so hard that he comes five feet off the ground, flies twenty feet through the air, through a wooden door, lattice, wine rack, bookshelf, plate glass window, cement wall, etc. Then, instead of being DEAD since a punch that was hard enough to propel him that far would have splattered his head into applesauce, he GETS UP AND KEEPS FIGHTING. They punch or kick a guy so hard that he flips or spins through the air in slow motion, completely ignoring physics. Once again, he gets up and keeps fighting instead of having a broken neck.
Another thing that's stupid in movie fight scenes is the sound. I know the current trend in movies is to drive the bass through the roof so the sound of someone dropping a pencil is enough to rattle people's fillings loose, but give us a break. When you punch someone squarely in the face it goes Smack, not BOOM! People standing across the room while someone gets punched don't feel a deep thump in their chests from the sound. A baseball bat hitting a head of cabbage is about the most sound you're going to get from a punch. If the puncher had a garbage truck for a fist and the punchee had a six foot Kodo Taiko drum full of anti-tank mortars for a head, it would not produce as much booming bass as a Hollywood punch. Idiots.
Any deluded, self-righteous wanna-be do-gooder who has ever boycotted ANYTHING. Look. You're pretentious and irritating and you accomplish NOTHING other than looking naïve and annoying people around you, including your friends. "I'm making a DIFFERENCE!" No. You're making yourself into a JOKE. You're transforming yourself into an idealistic cartoon. If I want to run into the store to buy a bottle of Advil, a box of cereal, a bottle of glass cleaner or a pair of fucking shoe laces, I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR A PREACHY PSUEDOPOLITICAL LECTURE ABOUT HOW I'M RUINING THE WORLD BY GIVING MONEY TO SOME EVIL CORPORATION. Guess what! Nike, McDonalds, Exxon Mobil, DuPont, Disney, GM, Dow Chemicals, Pfizer, R.J. Reynolds, etc aren't going ANYWHERE. It might suck, but they're all here to stay, whether you personally decide to buy their products or not. Am I saying that it's great that big, evil corporations control everything? No. I'm saying I don't feel like paying seven bucks for some oddball non-corporate toothpaste just because it's non-corporate when I've used three dollar Crest since I was a kid... AND IT TASTES MUCH BETTER. I don't feel like researching where and how every article of clothing I'm considering buying was manufactured. I don't feel like buying Brand X just because it's not tested on poor widdle kittens. If I buy something that's high quality and cost effective and coincidentally is inoffensive to environmental, animals rights, sweatshop labor, or other consumer-politics activists, that's fine, but I'm not going to make it a priority to go out of my way to buy things based primarily on their political-correctness. If YOU spend the time and energy to research and YOU know the evil committed by each and every product on every shelf of every store, that's YOUR obsessive compulsive fixation. That's the result of YOU having way too much free time. That's the result of YOUR self-righteous crusade. I work long hours. Don't give me shit if I don't know or care who was harmed by the making of my delicious candy bar that is the only treat of my day. If YOU want to pay extra and go out of your way to special stores to buy all your food, clothing, housewares, furniture, etc. from a non-corporate source, knock yourself out. Be a purist. Enjoy your consumer-religion. If you expect me to follow suit, or even to take you seriously, you can go fuck yourselves.
Here's a thought to point out another angle of how meaningless animal testing boycotts are. If you buy Brand X toothpaste and it contains chemicals like sodium lauryl sulfate or sorbitol, you're simply animal testing by proxy. Brand X uses it because they know it's safe to use. How do they know? Because it was tested on animals, period. Maybe Brand X didn't test it themselves, but the chemicals used in their products didn't fall out of the sky. Whether they've been in use in consumer products for months or decades, before they considered selling them for human consumption, someone dumped loads of the stuff in many cute little puppies' eyeballs to see what it would do. Some company like Procter and Gamble tested on animals, spent the money on research and development, got their hands dirty and took the heat from animal rights groups. Meanwhile, Brand X benefits by using P&G's test results without doing any testing themselves. So they win from every angle. They get to sell the same product, which they know is safe because some rabbit in a lab across the street turned out ok, but they don't have to pay for research and they don't have hippies chaining themselves to their front doors. They can also slap a "no animal testing" label on it and charge much more and sentimental saps will buy it and feel all superior and moralistic. If you look over the shoulder of the kid next to you and copy the answers on his science test, your answers will be the result of whatever he had to do to get them. Was my deodorant tested on animals? Yes? GOOD! I'm happy to know that it won't give me big sagging pus bags under my arms, because some cute little guinea pig took a big wad of it on its cornea and lived to tell the tale... for at least a few minutes until it was probably euthanized. My deodorant is safe! Thank you, Fluffy, wherever you are! Human > Guinea Pig. Know why they call a test subject a "Guinea Pig" even when it's a person or a different animal? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT GUINEA PIGS ARE FOR! THAT IS THEIR SOLE PURPOSE IN THE UNIVERSE: TO TEST HORRIBLE SHIT ON. Anyone who has ever had one as a pet knows that they could serve no other purpose, other than as an easy to catch food source for predators. Surely the ecosystem doesn't have a great need for a toupee that sits there looking bored, eating pellets and occasionally squeaking. This morning I was about to brush my teeth, and as I applied the toothpaste to the brush, a few of the bristles dragged against the nozzle of the tube and flicked a small amount of toothpaste in my left eye. Now, while it doesn't feel particularly good to have a minty fresh cornea, I DIDN'T GO BLIND! Why? Because some little kitten was there before me with huge, Hershey's Kiss sized globs of toothpaste sitting directly on its speculum-pried eyes. I'd love to cuddle that little kitten to thank it for saving my eyes, but I'm wearing navy blue and the toothpaste would no doubt get smeared on it, plus I'd need a lint roller for all those little hairs. Navy shows everything.
Do you think the CEO of R.J. Reynolds is losing sleep when you decide to eat some no-name macaroni and cheese instead of Kraft? "Oh God, NO! They deprived me of 8 cents of profit out of my daily hundreds of millions of dollars! I'm MELTING.... MELLLLLTING! AAAAAaaaaaa!!!" YUM! TASTES LIKE SHIT, BUT I'M SAVING THE PLANET AND PUTTING CORPORATE FATCATS OUT IN THE STREETS! Bullshit! You think you're going to change the world by hitting Corporate villains in the pocketbooks? You and what army? Nobody has ever rounded up enough people to boycott a product and have companies actually lose enough money to give in and "be good." Do you seriously think you will ever hear this? "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Procter and Gamble's quarterly report. It is with a heavy heart that I must announce the dismantling of Procter and Gamble Incorporated. After 165 years, we have fallen from our once nearly monopolistic control of cleaning, hygiene, paper and plastic products that sold over 200 brands to billions of people worldwide, and we must close our doors forever. Boycotts by animal rights wingnuts who object to us using animal testing have cut so deeply into our profits that we must say farewell. We did not realize how powerful a few dozen bored, jobless hipsters could be."
Is your life so devoid of meaning that you believe the things you buy or don't buy define you as a human being? Are you so shallow that you feel like you're a wonderful person with a clear conscience because you bought a stick of lipstick that is Rainforest friendly and not tested on animals? Some fools have Jesus. Some have Allah. Some have Shiva or Bhudda or Ram or L. Ron Hubbard. You have the grocery store and the mall to give your meaningless life direction. For your life to have meaning, it has to have PURPOSE. Deciding what you buy or don't buy in the store isn't purpose, it's trivia. Does engaging in POINTLESS battles make you feel like your life has purpose? If you're going to be a purist about socially conscious buying, how far are you willing to take it? Does the fact that you buy only non-corporate all-natural floor cleaner make up for the environmental damage and Middle East heartbreak you're causing by owning a CAR? You do realize that every time you take a shit and flush it, you're pouring biohazardous waste in chlorinated water straight into the environment, right? What are you going to do about it? It's all a matter of threshold. You'd say, "But I NEED a car." No you don't. You NEED food, water, shelter and medicine. You WANT the CONVENIENCE of having a car. You're burning fossil fuels and dumping horrible toxins into the air on your entire drive across town to the Special Hippy Ultra-P.C. Organic Non-Corporate 100% Recycled Grocery Store, while I can WALK a half a block and buy my groceries. I want the convenience of walking into a regular grocery store and buying regular groceries without you getting on a fucking soapbox. You might not buy anything made by S.C. Johnson Wax, but you've bought into something laughable.
People who read my Movie Ruiner page and email me to "explain" why I'm wrong. If you don't like what I have to say about the dogshit movies you like, make your own fucking page. Don't email me with, "Dude. You must be some fag what's retarded or something. Face Off is the best movie what's been released in the last 20 years! Fuckin' fag! You're like some fag what's stupid and gay and... uhh.. a fag! I mean, what kinda fag asshole gay faggot dumb faggy gay likes Talk To Her? It was just some gay faggy thing with those word things where people say these words and talk like they're speaking in some kind of conversational talky thing, and it's in some kinda gobbledygook words what's not even in USA-ese! And it's got those dumb wordlike things at the bottom of the TEE-VEE like I have the time to read or something. If I wanted to read, I'd finish middle school. That crappy movie didn't even have one gigantic computer am-i-nated explodey boom thingy what explodes like some kind of bomblike 'splosion, you fag what's gay!" I'm always right and you're an idiot, and you KNOW this, which is why you read my whole page.
American Assholes who think that it's perfectly fine to disregard or weaken the Constitutional Amendments about Freedom of Speech, Freedoms of Petition and Assembly, Seperation of Church and State, Unfair Search and Seizure, Due Process, Cruel and Unusual Punishment, and the amendments regarding elections, states' rights, minorities' rights, women's rights, etc. but if anyone DARES to suggest that maybe not everyone should be allowed to own a fully automatic assault rifle, or that maybe, just maybe, it would be a good idea to check their criminal backgrounds first, then they're "GODDAMN COMMIE UNAMERICAN PINKO SCUM! HANG 'EM! YOU MEAN I GOTTA WAIT SEVEN WHOLE DAYS BEFORE I CAN UNLOAD A 32 ROUND CLIP OF HOT DEATH INTO MY BOSS IN A LITTLE OVER A SECOND AND A HALF? WHAT IS THIS? COMMUNIST CHINA?"
People with teeth so bad that you can tell they have bad teeth from across the street... at night. If the imprint of your teeth on an apple is shaped like a constellation, you need to do something about it. If you look like you have a mouth full of Candy Corn (on one of the rare occasions that you actually don't), then maybe it's time to see dentist.
Retards like Britney Spears or Madonna who get on MTV News or give magazine interviews and talk about the MESSAGE they were trying to convey in songs they DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING WRITE! "What did you mean when you said, 'Hit me baby, one more time?'" Why in the FUCK are you asking HER? She doesn't know shit! That song was written (and probably RECORDED) before they ever decided to pick Britney Spears from the giant bin of homogenous blonde porn queens that they choose teen idols from. Who gives a shit what she has to say about it? SHE DIDN'T EVEN WRITE IT.
Ghetto guys who STILL think that owning a cell phone is impressive, who wear a big, baggy shirt that hangs down past their ass, put the phone on a belt clip, and then tuck their shirt OVER it to make sure it shows. This is an elite status symbol that means "I make at least THIRTY DOLLARS A MONTH."
The Harry Potter "Thing"
Fill in the blank. The popularity of Harry Potter books can be mainly attributed to the fact that...
A.) the stories are not only complex, well written and deeply engaging, but original and universal.
B.) a growing number of American adults read and write on an elementary school level, and since they have difficulty comprehending books aimed at adults, and find them boring, they read CHILDREN'S BOOKS.
Anyone whose life is so meaningless that their opinions and life philosophies can be significantly swayed by reading a pamphlet.
People who pass out pamphlets with the belief that the number of people described above is great enough that passing out pamphlets is not a completely pointless pursuit.
Those stupid shows on The Discovery Channel and The Learning Channel where they speculate on how dinosaurs lived and GUESS what animals will be like IN THE FUTURE based on NO EVIDENCE. I thought these channels were supposed to be educational. These shows use loads of shitty computer animation to create imaginary animals based on the completely scientific method of huffing spray paint fumes and thinking, "Hey, man! Know what would be cool? What if there was this tiger... but like, it has a sucker mouth like a lamprey, and it catches prey by sneaking up close and emitting, like, some kind of tranquilizer gas!"
"Whoa, dude! That would be awesome... But, dude.. What if instead of knockout gas, it gives off this gas that forms a barrier for light.. so like... IT TURNS INVISIBLE!"
"OH FUCK, DUDE! THAT'S AWESOME! It'll be called the Phantom Panther!"
"Hell yeah! Let's go report our findings!"
"No wait! I almost forgot! It has magnetic disks in its feet that it can electromagnetically polarize against the earth's magnetism... so it can LEVITATE!"
"WHOAH! No fuckin' way! AWESOME! Dude, we should do some more research!" *HUFF*
"Yeah, man! I've got some more of that varnish we huffed that time we were doing our research for the "Megamedusa," the jellyfish the size of the state of Ohio that kills its prey by emitting plasma energy hotter than the sun."
People who will let a mole on their face grow to the size of a three toed tree sloth and never even consider getting it lobbed off..
The new Ren and Stimpy. The original Ren and Stimpy was hilarious. The gags were quirky and off the cuff. The animation was simple, but there was something about it that made it very genuine. The new Ren and Stimpy is just a lame attempt at mimicry. The animation and gags are HORRRRRIBLE. The dialogue never matches up to the characters' mouths, and the animation doesn't come across as simple and genuine, it comes across as CHEAP. The episode I saw featured a big fat guy who I guess was supposed to be celebrity talent, although I had no clue who the hell he was. That's sorta like that show, "The Dead Zone." If you need to cast Anthony Michael Hall to give your show "star power," your show sucks. The Ren and Stimpy characters hardly ever speak because they sound like some lame impersonation. Instead, they just nod their heads and do a lot of staring while the big fat guy delivers brilliantly conceived jokes like, "Hey, guys! I'm gonna take a dump." What? No, seriously. That's the joke. There's no irony or anything. He says he's going to take a dump, and Ren and Stimpy stand there staring while he takes one. Wow! What narrative genius. The new Ren and Stimpy is part of a new lineup to promote TNN's supposed image change. This whole TNN makeover is one of the dumbest loads of bullshit I've ever seen. "We're the first network for MEN." Thank God! It's about time some channel was brave enough to cater to men... no, wait. Almost ALL tv caters to men. This is just more of this stupid shit started by "The Man Show," where the whole theme is, "Men like stupid bullshit. No need for real humor. A fart is its own punchline. As men, we like the very dumbest shit in the world. Retardation über alles!" Now that I think about it, it seems like only yesterday that the "First Network for Men" was the first network for REDNECK HICKS.
People who claim that they were into a band that sucks before they sucked... especially when they ALWAYS sucked.
People who claim that they were into a band that's good back when they sucked, and don't like what they're playing now.
People who live under the laughable delusion that Rolling Stone and Spin "have their finger on the pulse." If they do, they'll notice that it's not beating. The crap that they celebrate is either the corpse of what rock culture used to be or part of the disease that killed it. "The war on drugs isn't working." GEE, REALLY? That's NEWS. "Sheryl Crow: Redefining Rock." In a way they're right. That's what's SAD. Also, if you took out all the ads, it would be a little shorter than one of those free travel brochures you find at rest stops.
Phone queues that have the message, "Your call is very important to us. Someone will be with you in just a moment. Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received." The meanest joke about this is that they show you exactly how unimportant your call really is to them. You wait exactly as long as they feel like making you wait. If they wanted your call to be answered faster, they'd simply have more people answering phones. So when you're waiting twenty minutes for your call to be answered (right along with everyone else who's trying to get through), it's because some manager decided that twenty minutes was a appropriate amount of time to make you wait. If they wanted to, they could reroute calls to another service center with the wave of a finger to add a bunch more operators, but they figure you're stuck waiting, so why bother? Try calling a sales line instead of a customer service line sometime, and you'll see this concept hard at work. When your call is answered in a fraction of the time, you'll see that your call is only important to them if you're calling to give them money. Once they have your money, they don't want to even know you're alive. "Keep the customer service line slow. It will discourage them from calling at all."
Gamer nerds who think that the girls at videogame expos who are paid to dress up as video game characters like Lara Croft are the pinnacle of raw female sexuality and the most beautiful women on earth. Hint: that girl probably hates you and thinks you're a dweeb. You think that beating every Tomb Raider game released thus far would impress her. She'd probably think you're even dweebier if you're really good at video games. Face it. She's hired meat and after her gig, she's going to go back to her apartment a few hundred dollars richer and fuck her boyfriend, who's in a band and has a cock the size of a full-grown salmon, wheras you're going to go home and yank your crank as you scour Gamespy, Gamespot and dozens of other gamer sites, in hopes that they posted pictures of her... which, of course, they always do. Face it. If you ever downloaded a "nude patch" for a videogame, you're not in the winners' circle of life.
Adults who think that they're "above" cartoons and comics. You're not mature. You're just a fucking humorless stick in the shit.
Guys (and I say guys because 98% of the time it's a 50+ year old male) who whistle all the time and use "advanced" whistling techniques like tremolo and staccato, as though they feel like they're seriously playing a musical instrument. Whistling is the shrill, annoying sound of air blowing through a hollow human head.
The Vintage T-shirt Thing. Ok, if you still have a real, original issue E.T. t-shirt from the '80's, that's somewhat amusing, if little more. If some modern corporation takes a brand new t-shirt and washes it 100 times until it's shrunken and faded, and then stamps a retarded Old Navy logo on it, that is NOT vintage. That's just dumb. How are you going to even pretend that a lame Old Navy T-shirt is from the '70's when the company itself wasn't even around until the mid 90's? Here's your one way ticket to pretentious-ville. That'll be twenty bucks please.
The next person that I hear that has their cell phone ringer set to "Fur Elise," "The Entertainer," "Ode to Joy," etc. is going to get his phone jammed all the way into his ear canal.
Bald guys who grow pony tails. It's OVER. You missed your chance. You don't look hip. You look like you're having a mid-life crisis and it's really, really sad.
New-Agers who always say that they're "picking up energy" or "seeing auras" from people and animals, pretentiously asserting that being able to read body language is of some fruity elevated spiritual significance, as though it's something cooler and far more profound than the very basic primordial animal instinct that it is.
"I'm picking up some very negative energy from you."
"Wow. That's so amazing that you're sensing my life force. Your analysis of my energy couldn't be colored at all by the fact that I'm sneering at you, making direct dominating eye contact with my middle finger extended two inches in front of your nose could it?"
Want to sense some energy? An electric chair has loads.
Ads for bottled water that depict people dumping it over their faces, pouring it into bathtubs, using it to fill fishbowls, throwing it around, etc. If you have enough money to spend a fourteen year old Indonesian sweatshop worker's weekly wages on 20 ounces of the world's most plentiful resource, and then waste it just to giggle and be cute, you seriously deserve to be shot in the face.
First they had the shriveled old bag, Dr. Ruth. Now they have the shriveled old bag, Sue Jo. Would it be too much to ask to find a sex "expert" who doesn't make you feel physically ill to visualize having sex?
People who think that anytime anywhere it's perfectly ok to slip their shoes off. Welcome to The New York City Transit System. We've all had a tiring day at work. Keep your fucking shoes on.
People who over-enunciate and hiss the letter S by forming the sound by putting their upper and lower incisors together and blowing air through, so from a distance they sound like a leaking CO2 tank.
People who push a skateboard with the front foot. Fall. I could use a good laugh.... Please?
The way that nearly every startup garage band claims to be pioneers of a new genre of music, regardless of how derivative their music is.
"I wouldn't say we're rock, per se. We're shooting for more of an ambient darkwave industrial trip hop sound. It's really ethereal and deep. I like to call it Spectral Dark-Hop."
"But you're just a Led Zeppelin cover band."
".......But we bring our own unique interpretation, and I don't think it's anything that you could really classify into any preset niche. I think our sound is something really new."
"So that's why you're playing on a Monday night to an empty bar with no cover charge."
"Shut up, dude."
Beggars who act like you need to justify why you aren't giving them money. "Excuse me. Could you help me out with a little spare change? (Bourbon breath) Come on. You don't have any change? Yeah, so what's that I hear jingling in your pockets? Pfffft! Keys. Rrrright." So what if I DO have change in my pockets? You hear that? Here, let me attach a megaphone to each hip so you can hear it jingling for three blocks. The fact that it's there doesn't mean you have a claim on it. I'm not THAT impressed with your change-cup jingling technique that I feel that you deserve a tip. I don't care if I'm walking down the street with a wheelbarrow with 6000 dollars in unrolled pennies. It's fucking MINE, and I EARNED it by responsibly getting up at the crack of dawn and going to work every fucking day, and what I do with it is MY CHOICE, not yours. I don't have any "spare" change for anyone who thinks they deserve MY money just because they have the utter lack of dignity to ask me for it, and then INSIST that since I have the ability to provide them with funding for their malt liquor, that I OWE it to them. Need food? Go to a shelter. Need medicine? Go to a shelter. Need a warm, dry place to sleep or a shower? Go to a shelter. Need clothing? Go to a shelter. Need some money? GET A FUCKING JOB.
(Update July 28, 2003) I was walking near Times Square today and a guy was standing on the sidewalk with his begging cup. A tourist dropped some coins in it as he walked by, and the guy looked in the cup to see how much the tourist gave him. He then got all indignant. "What's THIS!? I don't want THIS! Take it back!" The tourist looked confused and kept walking. "Here! Take it back! I don't want it!" The bum then forcibly flung the change and pelted the tourist. This guy DESERVES to be poor. First, he had little enough pride that he would stand on the corner and beg, then a moment later, he's insulted because he was not given enough FREE MONEY for doing NOTHING, by someone who was good enough to care if he was hungry. Gee sorry that this guy's pure generosity wasn't up to your rigid standards. If this guy has enough money that he can throw away money when it's given to him, he has no right to pretend he's poor. It's not like he waited on the guy's table in a restaurant and got stiffed on the tip. This putz was given money out of pure kindness and compassion, and he thanked the guy with a big, fat "fuck you." That guy might not ever give money to beggars again. "Oh, please, please let me give you twenty dollars. I hope it is a worthy amount, so I don't insult you. I wouldn't want to underestimate the value of your 'standing there like a filthy eyesore doing nothing' skills."
People who own T-shirts, posters, flags, stickers, etc. with the face of Che Guevara on them who have absolutely no clue who he was, what he did, or why he was historically significant, but are pretty sure he had something to do with Rage Against the Machine.... or maybe Pot.
Macho homophobic jock boys who's first choice of insult is "Suck my dick." Why would you want that? Are you harboring some sort of repressed homosexual urges? What's even funnier is that you're basically asking for gay oral while trying to project the tone that it's not you who's gay. Most straight guys don't consider the idea of another guy giving them a blowjob as even a remote possibility, even as an insult. Maybe it's just me, but I have no urge to have another male suck my dick. If I go my whole life without another male, even a doctor, touching my dick at all, I'll be a happy guy. Why don't you guys go back to the locker room and suck each others' dicks. Get it out of your system and stop asking around. Some time in prison would do you good.
The fact that grocery stores have 45 different types of ass wiping paper and under 10 juice drinks that contain more than 10% juice or under 40% high fructose corn syrup.
Magazines like Seventeen and YM. The only purpose that these magazines could possibly serve is to ensure that the next generation of young women becomes a bunch of insecure, shallow consumers who think that 200 dollars is a totally reasonable price to pay for a pair of jeans, and of course you'll NEED them unless you want to be completely unpopular and ignored by boys. Got zits? OH GOD! You can't have zits or else you'll have no social life and boys won't want you. If you want to have any friends at all then you'll need to BUY this cream! BUY this face wash. BUY these blackhead removing strips! Have you tried the latest tooth whitening strips? You haven't? Why would you think any boy would want to kiss you when your teeth are a natural shade of white? They're far from this unearthly tone of neon glowing white that you could BUY for only $30 for a month's supply of strips... or better yet, $400 at your dentist, once every six months. Oh, and breath is important, so BUY the cool new Listerine Spearmint strips! Go BUY the latest CDs from Michelle Branch and Avril Lavigne! They're strong female voices for today's scene, so you'll just HAVE to BUY their CD's. They're both absolutely great. Also, go see Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (BUY the soundtrack)! It's got GRRRL Power! Notice that we never give anything a marginal review, because we want you to BUY, BUY, BUY, and we, of course, are owned by the same media conglomerates that make those CD's and movies! Here, have a token article to please our critics about how eating disorders are bad. This article is then totally negated by the fact that 98% of the magazine, including the articles and features, is nothing but ADS filled with ONLY girls who have 2% body fat! Check out the latest clothes on these models that are as skinny as coat hangers! Note how EVERY item they are wearing, right down to their lip gloss has a PRICE and a STORE where you can BUY it in the caption! You want to look COOL and attract BOYS, right? Then you'll need to go to Delias.com and BUY these cool clothes, sunglasses, purses, shoes, rings, hats, body glitter, nail polish, etc. etc. etc. because a girl can never be truly happy unless some jerk guy who looks like Justin Timberlake and is more in love with himself than he could ever be with anyone else wants to fuck her. By the way, WHAT KIND OF GIRL WOULD JOHNNY DEPP DATE? You know you want to know, even though you could never touch him, ever. (By the way.. Go see Pirates of the Caribbean - in theatres now!) Surely he wants a girl who's sensitive, genuine and artistic, because we would never print an article saying that he's really into tits or girls who swallow. Take a quiz! "Are you a bitch?" The fact that you think a multiple choice test with 8 questions and 3 choices each accurately labels your personality, means that not only are you a complete bitch for even having a doubt whether you were one or not, but it also makes you completely shallow and vapid for letting a prepackaged test determine your self opinion. Check out the latest hairstyles (Available for only $125 at any salon capable of accurately recreating this picture on your head)! Check out the latest fashions in cosmetics (Available at the mall department store for $80 for enough makeup to recreate this look until next month when we assign you your new way of looking)! Check your horoscope! Let's see... YES! It's all about BOYS and hints as to which of your friends might STAB YOU IN THE BACK! Nothing like a little insecurity to pile on top of that superstition. See, BUYING PLUS WORSHIPPING MALES EQUALS HAPPY. NOT BEING INSECURE PLUS NOT CONSUMING ADDICTIVELY EQUALS SOCIAL REJECTION. ABSORB! LEARN! Too young to have a job? No problem! Drive your parents up the fucking wall and be a total brat! NEED FOR FAMILY HARMONY IS OF SECONDARY IMPORTANCE COMPARED TO BUYING EVERYTHING ADVERTISED IN THIS MAGAZINE. Eventually, girls mature past these magazines. The bubblegum becomes passé. Values change.... THAT'S WHY THEY MAKE COSMO AND MADEMOISELLE. REMEMBER, LADIES.... IF HE DOESN'T SPEND THREE MONTHS' SALARY ON THAT DIAMOND RING FROM DeBEERS, HE DOESN'T REALLY LOVE YOU!
More on this DeBeers "Three Month Salary" scam... DeBeers is the world's largest seller of diamonds. They tell you very casually on their ads that the customary amount to spend on a diamond engagement ring is three months' salary. Huh? What kind of bullshit it this? Can you live without any income for three months? I sure as fuck can't. Anyone I know who could survive a quarter of a year with absolutely no paycheck coming in is fucking loaded and that would mean that three months of their salary would buy a diamond so big that the materialistic, gold-digging bitch wouldn't be able to lift her hand. Let's look at the numbers for just a second. A fair example of a single middle class american income is around $40,000 a year. So three months's salary is TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS. That's a brand new economy car, people. So much for the honeymoon. Who the fuck is DeBeers to tell me what to spend? Want to know who invented this "Customary Three Month Salary" bullshit? DeBEERS. They needed a way to make excessive amounts of money from the pockets of ordinary people trying to scrape by in life, and they achieved it by contriving this fake "customary" amount. Diamond engagement rings aren't even "customary" in the literal sense anyway. Diamond rings were a luxury item for the rich until the early 20th century when African diamond mines were found and the price declined. How "customary" can pricing of something be when it's only been somewhat recently sold to the working class? Their slick advertising is propagandizing women to believe that anything less than this obscene amount to spend on a diamond is indication that the guy doesn't really love them enough or is poor, because what kind of cheap asshole wouldn't even spend the "customary" amount? That's like going to a car dealership and the salesman saying, "How much do you make a year? Hmmm... Well the car you need is the Hummer H2. That would be the correct car to buy based on your yearly income."
Baby Boomers who like to preach and get indignant about how young people are ungrateful. I know you guys feel like you worked really hard and feel that Gen-X and Gen-Y don't care about anything you accomplished. Let me be the first to thank you. Thank you for creating a future with an expiration date. Thank you for creating a world so full of fear and hatred that we have enough nuclear weapons to turn the entire surface of the earth into a continuous sheet of glass multiple times. Thank you for buying a quarter of a billion guns in America. Thank you for creating an economy based on resources that will eventually run out on the backs of people from countries where over 90% of the population lives below the poverty line while you downsize Americans because they want more money than the 65 cents an hour that you pay foreign sweatshop laborers. Thank you for breeding like flies and overcrowding the earth. Thanks for ensuring that you will be the last generation that will be able to receive Social Security and Medicare. We're so thankful that we'll end up paying for it, while we may never be able to retire at all. Thanks for electing the worst president this country has ever had. We're so happy that you're getting a fat tax break, while we get a few McDonald's Gift Certificates and Bush ignores economists' forecasts that his budget is going to cause a 44TRILLION dollar deficit which WE will have to pay after you're all sitting back collecting the Social Security that we paid for and will never get to enjoy. Thank you for making a world with no heroes. Thank you for doing all the drugs you wanted and then telling us that they're bad and waging a Holy War on Drugs that fills our prisons until we have more people incarcerated than any other country in the world.. for what? POT? Ffffff! Thank you for letting media companies merge and merge and merge until there are under a half dozen companies that control (and manipulate) over 99% of ALL media worldwide. Thank you for taking your imperialistic aggression abroad so the whole world hates our guts enough to mount terrorist attacks against us here at home. Thanks for being so blind to the cause-effect relationship of these attacks that instead of doing what you can to ease tension, you create a police state, kill the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution and bomb foreign countries, which serves only to multiply the number of people who hate us. Thank you for nurturing a political system where the grease rises to the top and only the richest and most conniving criminals come to power. Thank you for creating a future that was designed to make you as rich and comfortable as possible at the expense of ensuring that the human race will not be sustainable by the end of our lifetimes. Thank you. From the bottoms of my outstretched middle fingers, thank you.
Guys who wear T-shirts from Armani Exchange or Kenneth Cole or some other high-end fashion brand. This is truly stupid. First, it's dumb because you spent 35 bucks on a goddamn cotton T-shirt, which is just obscene. There is nothing that makes it a better quality T-shirt than one you could buy at Walmart. Secondly, buying a T-shirt from a place like Armani Exchange defeats its own purpose. The main reason you would wear their clothes is to project the image that you have loads of money to throw around. Did you buy a jacket? Did you buy a pair of shoes or a watch? No. You bought the CHEAPEST thing in the whole store, thus proving that you don't actually have any money. You just wanted to get something, ANYTHING, with the logo on it.
People who wear t-shirts, jewelry, or even TATTOOS of Yin Yang symbols who have NO CLUE what Taoism even is.
People who buy a professional grade camera for over $2000 and use it like a $25 point-and-shoot camera. They make no effort to learn about composition or exposure, but instead use it to take amateurish vacation snapshots. Wow! Great picture of your kids from 150 feet away so they're a little tiny shape in the center near the bottom of the frame in front of some generic tourist attraction with the top two thirds of the frame occupied by flat light grey sky. It looks really great the way you have no clue how to expose it so your children have featureless, porcelain-white alien skin in all your pictures. It's a good thing you bought the very best camera on the market, though you have no comprehension of 95% of its features, with a bunch of lenses that would make most professional photographers spooge. It really captures your utter lack of talent, technique, creativity and originality. You must be really proud to own such a fine photographic tool. I bet you feel really cool with it hanging heavily on a strap around your neck, like a 35 pound mugger magnet. Too bad your pictures look like they were taken by a disposable camera. Nice shots where the camera jiggled, the picture was totally out of focus, overexposed and had no composition at all. Ohhh... you were EXPERIMENTING... I see. Thanks for explaining it, because that doesn't sound like a lame excuse at all. So basically, shit equals experimentation.
Idiots who use one of those hands-free cell phone earpieces with the mouthpiece that dangles on the wire, then they hold it up to their mouth and hold the cell phone in the other hand, effectively transforming their cell phone, not from a one-handed phone into a hands-free phone, but into a TWO HANDED phone. What a great way to spend thirty bucks!
People who get to my page by searching Google for "www.negativepositive.org." Wow. The internet is amazing, huh?
People who try to play their adherence to religion off as what defines them as nonconformists and free thinkers, rather than puppets. Nice way to twist things around with your monolithic denial so stuff looks cooler in your own eyes, Pinocchio. These are always the ones who try to assert that atheism is a religion and that atheists are actually followers of a false faith called Secular Humanism. (Oh, and uhh, if you are at your core an atheist, but refer to yourself as a Secular Humanist, please stop embarassing the rest of us atheist by referring to yourself with a term popularized by evangelical Christians.) "Yeah, well, I'm a nonconformist because I choose to deny all my normal sexual impulses until I'm married to the one girl who I'll spend the rest of my life trying to hold onto regardless of how bad the marriage gets. You don't have sex because it feels good or because primate social structure is glued together with sex, or because your brain and chemistry are totally wired for fucking, you're just trying to be COOL. You're a fool for having fun and enjoying yourself unhindered by a mountain of guilt like the one that smashes my mind into malleable Pla-Doh. When you tell me that you're sexually fulfilled although you're not married, I know it's just a cry for help. And who told you that everything has to be rationalized and examined? If you were free like me, you'd realize that true wisdom comes from getting ALL of the answers about life from one single book. You think you're free just because your thoughts aren't filtered through one narrow opinion-set based on a source of dubious origin and reliability, but you're actually enslaved to the whole rest of the world of knowledge and experience. Your unwillingness to kiss my imaginary master's feet is the shackle around your ankle."
Guys who try to grow beards who can't. Wow. Nice two inch long transparent fiber optic filaments. Looks like there are about... ohhh..... fourteen or fifteen of them. Oh. That's a goatee? Uhh...Ok. Whatever you say
People who say, "Well, in my own personal opinion..." There's another type of opinion? All opinions are personal, shit for brains. What you're saying is completely redundant. Say, "in my opinion..." There's no such thing as a collective opinion. If you're affiliated with Democrats or Republicans or Hamtaro Worshippers or the Seal Clubbing Association of America, it's not because you're part of a collective. It's because their members, on an individual level, agree with your opinions, and you with theirs. Saying, "in my own personal opinion" is redundant extraneous verbiage and you look like a pretentious dick saying it. Be sure to swirl your glass of merlot under your nose as you say it, as though you have any clue as to what qualities you're smelling for.
People who write or say anything preceded by, "I don't mean to sound rude, but..." or ,"Don't take this too seriously, but..." This shows that you're either totally spineless, or totally tactless. This phrase is ALWAYS followed by something that the intended audience will find offensive or rude. The fact that you put that lame little disclaimer at the beginning means you KNOW that what you're about to say is going to piss them off. If you seriously don't intend to offend people, don't fucking say it. On the other hand, if you're going to say something that you know people are going to find offensive, and that's the intent, then have some fucking balls and stand behind it. Don't be a slimy little puss bag and say, "I don't really mean what I'm about to say, but blah blah blah blah blah." If you can't stand for what you say, then keep quiet, hypocrite.
People who can't go through a whole sentence without saying "Fuck." "Fuck, man. I went to the fuckin' store and I was fuckin' thirsty as a motherfucker. I fuckin' looked in the fuckin' cooler and I was like, 'fuck!' Those fuckers didn't even have one fuckin' coke. How the fuck can you run a fuckin' convenient store and not even fuckin' have any fuckin' coke?! Fuck! I was fuckin' pissed! I fuckin' told the cashier, 'Fuck you!' but he fuckin' looked at me like he didn't even fuckin' care." Look. Don't get me wrong. I adore the word "fuck." That word and I have shared many good times. The problem that I have with using "fuck" all the time, is that you are gradually sapping away its bite. I don't want "fuck" to turn into the next "drat" or "golly." I want "fuck" to be able to piss off the squares. I want "fuck" to keep its edge. Sure. Use it when you need it, but the way you're using it, it's not going to carry any more emphatic value than "lamp" or "car." People that say "fuck" all day long should have to pay reparation to writers for contributing to the weakening of a great word. Oh well... At least we still have "cunt."
People who have an eighth grade education, who suddenly consider themselves experts on foreign policy and political science because they watch the war on Fox News, and feel a rush of unfounded confidence in openly debating with anyone. Just what I need: the loud, ill-informed opinions of every jack-off in America who owns a TV.
People who use "My Mom / Dad is a Doctor / Nurse / Teacher" as a supposedly reinforcing backup after rattling off some pseudoscience or statistic of dubious credibility.
"HIV can be spread through dead skin cells on surfaces, so you could catch it by absorbing it through your skin if you touch a subway seat."
"Dude, shut up. You can't catch HIV like that."
"Yeah, well... My mom is a teacher so I think she would know more about it than you."
The fact that MiniBush, the most powerful man in the world, can't pronounce"Terrorists" or "Nuclear" properly. The other day I heard him refer to "Weapon of Mass Destructions," pluralizing the whole phrase rather than "weapons" as though it was one big, long, seven syllable word. "We gotta keep those TERRISTS from getting a hold of NUKE-YUH-LUR weapons and other WEAPONOFMASSDESTRUCTIONS." Just fucking kill us, jackass. We know it's coming. Go for it. I'd feel better knowing that the guy who has access to the country's nuclear arsenal has a greater grasp on the English language than an average fourth grader, but we probably deserve what we get for allowing him out of his cage without a diaper or shock collar.
Norah Jones and Alicia Keys. You little MTV-ites have been sold on the idea that an "artist" who doesn't write, doesn't play any instruments and sings through a massive pulsating computer brain that makes them sound decent even when they sound like shit when they sing live is NORMAL and that a singer who (gasp) also plays an instrument is SOMETHING SPECIAL. They're nothing special. The song that Norah Jones won awards for in 2003 was written by someone else. The singer/songwriter/instrumentalist SHOULD be the standard, not a remarkable exception to the rule.
Bands like Metallica who outlived their usefulness a decade or more ago, who refuse to throw in the towel despite the fact that they've turned into a bunch of greedy gap khaki pussies who spend more time getting their corporate lawyers to sue people and crying over how they've been wronged by copyright infringers and magazine critics than they do writing music, and when they do write music it has all the bite and edge of Pat Boone. If your main mission is to prove that you're still hardcore, and that you've still "got it," then you DON'T have it. Bands who have still got it don't have comeback tours, they have sustained followings. Shall I mention "Reloaded?" Yeah, I know it was a low blow to bring it up. Stop crying in your Metamucil.
People who drink out of my drink without permission and then act like I'm a freak for having a hang-up about drinking after them, as though their stupidity and lack of consideration is of small significance next to my neurosis about catching their diseases.
"C'mon - I just took a sip. There's nothing wrong with it."
"Pardon me if I didn't plan on catching herpes, mononucleosis and hepatitis today. If there's nothing wrong with it, I guess you won't mind buying it off me before I throw it at you."
Women who think that every flat horizontal surface on earth is their own personal baby changing table. In the last month I've seen a woman using a bench in McDonalds, even though they HAVE a baby changing station in the restroom, and I saw a woman changing her baby at the Laundromat on the laundry folding table. Gee, thanks, breeders. Nothing comforts me more than knowing that I'm folding my clean laundry on a table coated in baby diarrhea. Do I hate children? No. I hate adults with no class.
People who think that having a high income is the same thing as being very intelligent and having high moral values.
People waiting for the elevator with their noses practically pressed into the crack between the doors so when they open, they have to go, "Duhhh Excuse me," and either move out of the way or be trampled. Surely nobody will be getting off the elevator at the ground level of this 60 story office building at 5:37pm.
The ghetto all-matching clothes thing. On a daily basis I see these fuckin' guys. They're wearing a powder blue baseball hat with a white logo, a powder blue "Du-rag," a powder blue shirt with with white stripes over a powder blue t-shirt with a mostly white logo, a pair of powder blue shorts with white stripes that matches the outer shirt exactly, white socks with a powder blue stripe and powder blue shoes with a white stripe. Coordination doesn't mean wearing everything all one color like a fucking cartoon character. The only time wearing all the same color looks right is on a business suit or a set of pajamas. When fashion magazines etc. talk about color coordination, they don't mean it in the literal mathematical sense..
Anyone who owns one of those motorized necktie organizers from Sharper Image. So this is what people buy when they've got way too much money and no interesting pastimes upon which to spend it, huh? I have an amazing tie organizer too, which was given to me for free by the dry cleaner. It's called a "coat hanger." It takes up very little closet space, can hold a whole bunch of ties and keep them all wrinkle-free, and has no moving parts to mess up. I hear you say, "But I've got a whole bunch of ties because I'm a big important businessman who can crack walnuts between his ass cheeks." That's what's great about the "coat hanger." Free plus free equals FREE. You can have two or eight or thirty of them and it's still free. Just think- your bathtub full of hundred dollar bills doesn't have to be even two bills shallower.
Diet cola. When diet cola was invented in 1959, the goal was simple, obvious and clear: make it taste like real cola, but reduce the calories. Now, after over 44 years of study, millions of dollars and hundreds of people's entire careers devoted solely to researching new ways of achieving this goal, we can say, wholeheartedly, that they have FAILED UTTERLY. It still tastes like flat yak urine syrup with brown food coloring. YUM! Vaguely sweet brown water! If the computer industry had the determination of the diet cola industry, we could expect to achieve the Commodore 64 in the year 2478.
People who think it's not patriotic to criticize our leaders. This whole "Love it or leave it" attitude is completely misdirected. You think you're more patriotic than me because you support a usurper who arrived in power through a slippery coup d'état disguised as an election and is doing everything he possibly can to make the whole world despise us, while sapping away all of our freedoms and right to privacy? George W. Bush and his entourage of thugs, Ashcroft, Powell, Rumsfeld, Ridge and Cheney, seem to be dead set on making sure people hate us enough to hit us with more terrorist attacks, and while the last one seemed barbaric to most people abroad, the next one's going to make the whole world cheer, "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING FUCKHEADS!" The way I see it, people who let the rats get away with ruining our country and trashing our reputation are the real lousy patriots here. The people who roll over and let a runaway government do whatever damage they want are the real traitors. I'm a better patriot than you could ever be because I say GET THE CROOKS OUT! I know that this country could be great again, but it needs dissenters to fix it. Allowing these criminals to remain in power and do whatever evil shit they want, unquestioned, is wrecking this country. Fix what's broken. Hold them accountable. Question authority. Spread truth. Resist. Disagree. Protest. Reform. If you've got the money, RUN FOR ELECTION. A good patriot would. "To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." Theodore Roosevelt, The Kansas City Star - May 7, 1918
Radio DJ's who crank the bass on their microphones to the top in an attempt to make themselves sound like eight foot giants with nuts the size of cantaloupes. You hear a car drive by with the radio turned up and all you hear is, "BVVV BVVVVVV BV BVVVV BVV BVVVV."
Guys who wear their oversized baseball hats down to their eyelids so they have to tilt theirs heads back to see where they're going. Oh yeah. You're hardcore. Oh wait. Did I say, "hardcore?" Oh, sorry. I meant to say, "fucking retarded."
Online Pay MP3 Services.
Let me get this straight. I could download as many songs as I want on thousands of different servers... FOR FREE, or get music from people who like the same music as me... FOR FREE, or I could go to Apple iMusic or Pressplay and PAY to get exactly the same thing. Hmm.. Let me think about this for just a minute. You can tell my mind is reeling from this quandary. It's such a tough decision. I buy loads of CDs, but that's mostly because I want to own the physical object. I want lyric sheets and artwork. I end up buying the music I really like anyway. Why would I PAY for an MP3: something everyone's been able to get for FREE for years?
"HEY, YOU REALLY WANNA PAY US FOR THAT STUFF YOU COULD EASILY GET FOR FREE FROM A MILLION PLACES ANYWAY, RIGHT?"
"Ummmm... NO."
Music Industry Giants! Let me offer my services as a development consultant free of charge. Let me help you get a clue since all of your research and development people seem to all be taking a permanent glue sniffing break and pulling paychecks for it. There are three possible ways that people will come to possess your recordings:
A.) They will go to one of your horrendous record store chains and shuck out 17-20 bucks for the CD, not knowing if it's any good. This method is good for you, but not for consumers since you keep burning them by promoting albums that have, at best, one almost-tolerable song and twelve losers. The sixteen year old kid buying your CD doesn't know that it's digital dogshit until he's parted with six hours' worth of his take home pay. You cackle evilly and light a thirty dollar cigar as casually as most people would pop a stick of gum in their mouths.
B.) They could sit in the comfort of their own homes and download all the music they want for free with minimal effort - and unlike your horrible corporate radio, they don't have to sit through 10 minutes of commercials to hear four minutes of music - music that's on a playlist of only 10 songs, so you can jam the same shit in their ears 100 times a day until they zombify and buy the CD. Your Pavlov experiment has gone horribly awry. You grit your teeth in rage since your profits fall from 8 gazillion to 7.9 gazillion an hour. You light your 30 dollar cigar just as casually, but you hold it a little more firmly. You spend millions of dollars on congressional lobbying and ad campaigns that use your trained chimps (read "artists") explaining how downloading music for free is the same as stealing... because people are supposed to CARE that they're taking one particle of beluga caviar off Lars Ulrich's blini. The downloaders are holding all the cards. They're impossible to catch and they can download all your music, sometimes before you even release it in stores. When they download something crappy, like all that Staind / Linkin Park / Sum 41 / Blink 182 crap that you've been trying to foist off as "hardcore" or even more laughably as "artistic expression," that same 16 year old kid that you burned a hundred times before can delete your pap without a second thought. He has the opportunity to slow down and consider whether it's worth his money to let your army of cybernetic Britney Spears replicants march on unimpeded. You never considered the idea that for people to value your product, you had to make a product that actually had value, did you? You always relied on people not being able to test your product before they bought it. But the times they are a-changin'. I wrote that line. Prove I didn't. All it is anymore is a stream of ones and zeros: Alls and Nothings. Guess which one of those two is your share now. Burns, doesn't it? Now you know how we've always felt.
C.) They could download it from your pay site. Sure, there will be some people who are clueless as to how easy it is to bypass your little Pay-For-Play concept. AOL and Mac have been around for years with their businesses fueled by little more than their clients' ignorance, but why would anyone pay when they know they don't have to? Go ahead. Put a bandaid on the bullet wound. Eventually, your paying clients will get wise. What will you do then? Put more banners on the site? Have more celebrity endorsements? Put your site on more billboards? Grease more government officials? How well has that approach worked for you so far? What's worse is Apple iMusic uses AAC format, not MP3, so if you don't have an iPod or a Mac and don't want to use Mac software, then guess what? YOU CAN'T PLAY IT ANYWAY. Let's see... They could buy the CD for 20 bucks, download it from Itunes for a dollar a song - which is about 14 bucks.... plus they have to buy an iPod to make it practical... which is another 400 bucks... or... they COULD DOWNLOAD IT FOR FREE from ANYWHERE. Wise up, corporate rock. You abused people with your crappy music and exorbitant prices for too long. Now they don't care if they hurt you or not.
People who put their kids into little league sports with the intent of helping them build confidence. What a great way to build confidence: go up to bat amidst the screams of parents who think it's a major league game and probably have money riding on it. "You swung at THAT???!!! You think that's a strike??!! What are you, BLIND???!!" Then you get pegged in the face because little league pitchers are chosen for their ability to throw the ball really hard, not necessarily because they can put it over the plate. And oddly enough, the pitcher is always some kid who looks suspiciously like he's sixteen, playing among nine year olds, and half of the time it's the coach's son. Yeah, nothing builds confidence more than being publicly shamed and getting pelted by baseballs. The only kids who do well are little alpha males who already have confidence in the first place.
People who have chronic ailments who don't do what their doctor tells them, acting like the doctor is being meddlesome or preachy. "Hey Dave, how did the visit to the doctor go? Did he give you new medicine for your bleeding ulcer?"
"Nah. He just harped on me about needing to stop drinking a fifth of Jack Daniels every day.... Like I'm sure he's Mister Perfect."
People______ who
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Old people who think that your life just won't be complete unless you hear all about their spastic colons and swollen prostates.
A Portfolio is a collection of ART. Referring to your array of stocks, bonds and mutual funds as a portfolio, as though greed and parasitism is creative, is an insult to the word.
Women who get collagen injections in their lips until it looks like someone smushed a big lumpy wad of pink pla-doh on their faces.
Sure, I'm happy that cell phones and pagers are now cheap and reliable, but is it really necessary to be able to buy them at any video store, gas station, tanning booth, grocery, check casher, mall t-shirt kiosk, church, manicure salon, used cd store, car impound lot, brothel, homeless shelter, auto detailer, gym, drug store, pizza place, cigar bar, library, boutique, hardware store, Burger King, bunny rabbit smashetorium, pawn shop, Off Track Betting, travel agency, Department of Motor Vehicles, Masonic temple, batting cage, extraterrestrial obelisk, shooting range, taxidermist, massage parlor, tiki hut and dildo store?
Guys who use the protein in their bodies that is normally used for building brain cells to grow thick gorilla body hair.
Guys who think they're going to launch their comedy careers from their entry level part time customer service jobs. Ho ho! See, normally people would consider your little wisecracks about the food they bought rude and unprofessional, but not me. See, I'm a talent scout for Comedy Central, and we've been looking for someone who can quip and crack wise about such cutting-edge topics as the selection of paper or plastic grocery bags or the way Wow Doritos will give you explosive projectile diarrhea. You'll go far in life, son. In fact, I think they need you right now to clean up a spill in aisle eight.
Guys next to you on planes and trains who are determined that they're going to become your best buddy before you get away from them. Cats have it great. They just hiss and bare their fangs and the message is clear.
Old people who constantly have a horrible teeth-clenched pained expression on their faces as though someone is slowly jamming white-hot hat racks up their urethras.
People who think that Marilyn Manson is the most evil man alive, who vote Republican across the board.
"My Bad"
People who have more love for the imaginary entity known as God than they do for the real people around them.
Those morons who say, "Human blood is actually bright blue until it hits the air. Then it turns red. That's what I heard anyways." I've HEARD a lot of shit, but I don't believe all of it. If human blood was blue inside your body, you'd turn fucking blue when you blushed. What color does your skin turn when it's pinched after the blood flows back? RED! What color is blood when it's flowing through a needle into a plastic tube, unexposed to the air when you donate blood? RED! What color are the capillaries in your eyes when they're bloodshot? FUCKING RED! The chemical that makes blood hemoglobin red is iron oxide, the same chemical that makes rust red. There's no chemical in blood that could make it turn blue. Anatomical diagrams of the circulatory system show veins as royal blue to make sure you can distinguish them from arteries. They never intended for you to carry the idea around in your little brain until you die that blood is bright blue. I know you first heard this fallacy when you were eight years old and even dumber than you are now, but LET IT GO! You're WRONG! Usually these people will halfway concede by saying something like, "Yeah, well... it IS a little darker until it hits the air." Oh, but wait a minute. Two seconds ago, before I SHAMED YOU MERCILESSLY, you said it was bright blue. Now all of a sudden it's "kinda a little darker?" That seems like a really easy and quickly retrievable backup argument, considering you were SO SURE of yourself a minute ago. So basically, you KNEW what you were saying was complete bullshit, but you said it anyway to look cool, with the backup argument handy in case there was someone in the room who actually passed Middle School level Biology. These jackoffs will generally say anything to be the coolest guy in the room for 3.2 seconds: the exact amount of time it takes me to lower my drink from my mouth, cock my right eyebrow to the top of my forehead and inhale the correct amount of air to deliver the exact pitch needed to make sarcasm resonate with the correct frequency so that everyone in a 50 foot radius knows your argument is getting ready to be fucked in the ass before I even get two syllables out. (Radius may be variable due to the playing of loud music or the sound absorption properties of dense crowds of people. This does not affect delivery of sarcasm because extra air will be inhaled to compensate with boosted volume.) I guess telling people you can fly would demand some sort of proof. I'd stab you a few times to see if blood really is blue, but with your dying breath, you'd squeak out, "But it's red because it hit the air as it shot out of my carotid artery in a fine, high pressure mist." The dumbass conversation starter concept applies to other bullshit, too. The way I see it, the dumbest guy in the room doesn't deserve to be the life of the party. He deserves to sit there, stir his drink, and know that anything that comes out of his mouth will ensure that everyone knows he's a pretentious retard. I do not humor these putzes.
Radio Shack and Circuit City. Let's address these individually.
Radio Shack is the biggest chain in America for electronic parts. This is flawed because THEY NEVER HAVE ANYTHING USEFUL. They've tried to diversify into an all-in-one electronics store, and as a result, they don't cover ANYTHING well. They have a little bit of everything, and NOTHING YOU WANT. I went there looking for a standard microphone (3 prong) coupler. The salesperson thought that standard microphones had a single prong headphone type plug. NO. ONLY AT RADIO SHACK and TOYS R US do microphones hook into 1/4 inch plugs. Look. Not everyone uses mics to hook into corny toy karaoke shit they bought at Radio Shack. They have a wide array of sub-par speakers, TV's, stereos, DVD players, electronic toys, telephones, computer accessories and the largest collection of clock radios in the universe. They've also trained their sales people to be as annoying as possible. When I went in to buy a two dollar motor for a project, the sales person said, "Do you have a cell phone?" Like GEE-WOW. Y'know. I only planned on spending TWO DOLLARS here but, OOPS! I ACCIDENTALLY SPENT TWO HUNDRED BUCKS THAT I DIDN'T PLAN ON. That's taking the idea of a hard-sell impulse buy to new levels of stupidity. How fucking retarded are their managers to even hope this would work? On occasion, they've asked me for my address when I've bought things there. They do that so they can send me junk mail. When they asked, I said, "Why do you need my address?"
"It's for your receipt, sir."
"But I keep my receipt and I KNOW WHERE I LIVE, SO I DON'T NEED IT ON MY RECEIPT. Don't send me junk mail." When you buy something with a credit card, they use the address information to send you junk mail. Then they have the gall to have a big sign at the register explaining how they "respect your right to privacy," because apparently disregarding your privacy enough to send you unsolicited junk mail is somehow different from giving your address to other advertisers who would just do the exact same thing.
Circuit City is the largest retailer of consumer electronics in the US. Why then are they always about EIGHT MONTHS BEHIND the latest trends in electronics. In the software department, they have the software that's on the bargain table in most stores. In the PDA section they have Palm Pilots that were discontinued at the prices they were originally released for, and at the prices that the new models are selling for everywhere else. Their computer section is a joke. It's dominated by Hewlett Packard and Compaq, which are rated among the WORST computers on the market. They also like to focus on Apple computers, but I think I've covered Mac thoroughly farther down in this list. That dead horse will go unflogged tonight. In the digital camera, video camera and DVD player areas they have what was big last year. What are they doing to compensate? They're following Radio Shack's glorious business model of OVER-DIVERSIFICATION. They're trying to branch out into selling CDs and DVDs and other crap. Guess what. When I want a DVD or CD, I go to (get this) a store that specializes in DVDs and CDs. If Virgin Mega-Store or Kim's Video doesn't have a copy of some movie that I'm looking for, guess where I'm going? SOME OTHER MEDIA STORE! I wouldn't even remember that Circuit City sells videos and music. And why should I? All they ever have are things that are huge release anyway; stuff that I could get ANYWHERE. They don't have any videos or CDs that would ever be sold out in even the crappiest media stores. Woo - I better go to Circuit City so I can get hard-to-find titles like Saving Private Ryan and Smashmouth's latest projectile-vomit-worthy CD.
People who don't do anything about it when their nose is whistling. Look! Blow your fucking nose. Even pick it if there's no other way. Anything would be better than sitting next to you for twenty minutes hearing, "Weeeee.....Weeeeee..... Weeeeee..... Weeeeee."
Behemoth Baby Strollers. When I was a kid, a stroller was a teeny tiny little chair with wheels and handles. Today's strollers can carry kids until they're old enough to drive, and are already equipped for the occasion with four wheel anti-lock disk brakes, air bags and V6 engines. I'm sick of waiting for elevators, only to have the doors open and see a mother with a kid in a stroller ALONE and the elevator is FULL. Why the fuck are today's strollers bigger than a Volkswagen? What's the point? I thought the idea was to make the kid easier to move around. Isn't that purpose kinda defeated by buying a stroller with a kitchenette, entertainment center, bowling alley, planetarium, satellite dish and Jacuzzi? Remember Rodney Dangerfield's huge golf bag in Caddyshack? Maybe I'm a little late explaining this, but the giant golf bag was supposed to be absurd, not cool.
CD Singles.
These
usually come in one of three formats: "Sparse and Pointless", "Wealth of Nothing," and "Supergreed."
The puny "Sparse and Pointless" singles are usually made for songs
that get huge on radio and MTV and draw a crowd of people who want JUST
that song, because they are pop-chart robots who base their musical tastes
on "What everyone else seems to like." The record company realizes
that this one hit wonder doesn't have any other marketable material, so
they include very little on the CD, and sell it for very little. Often these
singles are released BEFORE the album is released as a promo, because the
record company already knows that the album is going to bomb.
Sparse
and Pointless Track Listing:
CD ($2.99)
1. Hit Single totally unmodified from the album version for people who are
too cheap to actually buy the whole CD and possibly expand their musical
tastes beyond what Casey Casem tells them to listen to.
2. Another song from the same album, also completely unremixed... fucking far out.
"Wealth of Nothing" Cd Singles are usually released for bands that have established fan bases comprised of people who are completely anal retentive and will scour through bins and bins of CDs and check Ebay daily in hopes of running across ANYTHING in which the band was involved and stay up til 4am on a weekday to get that last snipe bid. These are the fans that will buy a Japanese Import that costs 35 bucks and has the exact same music as the domestic release because, "Oh my God! It's Beck, but it has Japanese characters on the cover! Holy JIZZ!" These singles are usually for bands like Nine Inch Nails or Orbital or David Bowie or some other group that is a little bit off the beaten path, but is still commercially viable. Since their uber-fans will lap up any kind of table scraps they're thrown, record companies make singles with shitloads of material that's all basically rehash and things that are either only slightly different from what's found on the album, or stuff from the album chopped into barely listenable gibberish. These are often album-length or double CD's (sold separately, of course). And let's face it. Who the hell wants to listen to 10-15 different versions of the same goddamn song? Just what I need! To listen to a song I like over and over for more than an hour until it's a song I'm completely bored by.
Wealth of Nothing Track Listing:
CD1 ($8.99)
1. Album mix that you already have since you own the album
2. Exactly the same but 45 seconds shorter mix (AKA Radio Edit with the
naughty words bleeped because nobody's smart enough to figure out "F*bleeeep*CK!")
3. Very slightly different mix
4. Exactly the same as the album version but they cranked the treble on
the vocals so it sounds like it's being sung through a telephone and they
ran the drums through a distortion stomp-box
5. Another song that's on the album anyway
CD2 (Thanks for another $8.99, Sucker! Have some more of the same!)
1. Incredibly clichéd
techno remix that sounds exactly like the techno remix of every other song
ever made
2. Token remix by somebody famous: sticker on the front of the CD case will
mention this person in hopes of snagging their fans
3. Remix by Aphex Twin that actually contains none of the original source
material and bears no resemblance to the original song, and is hence not
a remix, but a new Aphex Twin song that has pretty much no business being
on this CD
4. Live version that sounds like shit
5. Other unbelievably hackneyed techno remix
6. Song that sucked, and therefore intentionally left off the album, touted as an all-new, previously unreleased rarity
"Supergreed" CD Singles are pretty self-explanatory. The record company is just out to fuck the die-hard fans in the ass, knowing that they will eagerly buy any scraps they're tossed like a starving dog. These are always exorbitantly overpriced and have very little material on them that people couldn't get elsewhere. The shit might even be the exact same material that's available elsewhere, but split into two CD's. These are usually import.
Normal Domestic Version Track Listing:
CD ($7.99)
1. Album Version
2. Noisy remix by some artist with Industrial cred
3. Live version that sounds like shit
British Supergreed Track Listing:
CD1 ($14.99 - Holy shit! Price includes a STICKER)
1. Album Version
2. Noisy remix by some artist with Industrial scene cred
CD2 ($14.99)
1. Album Version
2. Live version that sounds like shit
3. Techno remix by someone with techno scene cred. HOLY SHIT! YOU CAN'T GET THIS TRACK ANYWHERE ELSE!
"Can you hear me now? ... Good. Can you hear me now? ... Good. Can you-"
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Ka-thunk
"Hello? Can you hear him now? No? ... Good." *Click*
Eminem Fan Boys. Just suck his dick already.
Americans who think they sound cool when they say Arse and Shite.
"Edited For TV" Movies. If you can't show it the way it was made, DON'T SHOW IT AT ALL. When I'm watching Casino on Network TV, and a guy calls another guy a "Freaking Maggot," I seriously feel offended - not by the fact that I know that the real words are "Fucking Faggot," but by the fact that you insulted my intelligence by thinking I wouldn't notice or mind when some lame, mismatched voice-over blurts in like a clumsy janitor. Your excuse is that you're trying to show the movie to a wider audience. My rebuttal is that people who cringe at the sight of a breast or a penis shouldn't be allowed to enjoy da Vinci or Michelangelo. If people are too prudish to enjoy art in its intended form, then fuck 'em. It's their loss. Why should I have to suffer through a BROKEN version of a great movie just because prudes are skittish about "naughty" language and go into a fit of terror at the sight of a human breast?
Ennui addicts that update their page to tell you that they're BORED. SO AM I, FUCKHEAD! THAT'S WHY I WANTED TO LOOK AT WEBPAGES! IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY, DON'T FUCKING MAKE A WEBPAGE! See... Let me explain something that has probably slipped by all you uncreative little web-heads who do blogger pages and live journals about NOTHING and link to each other's bloggers that are all about NOTHING. Being bored is DUMB. It's not Hardcore. It's not Artsy. It's not Dramatic. It's not Hip. It's DUMB. You are not a tortured artist. You are not a jaded intellectual. You are not a diamond in the rough. You're FILLER. Nobody is going to see you and your little boring webpage and think, "Holy shit she's so fucking cool and intense! I must get close to her radiant coolness! God! The way she updated her webcam archive to include pics of her new haircolor kept me enthralled for hours. When she had the ends dyed blonde I thought she was God Incarnate, but now that she dyed the tips PINK!... Oh My God! I think I'm gonna CUM! A couple of days ago, she pasted the lyrics to a Linkin Park song as her entire update, along with a closeup pic of her eye. I don't know when I've been so moved. Every day her little Livejournal emoticon says, "Bored," and has a picture of a little anime guy pouting. I know it's just a stock emoticon, but somehow she makes it her own and I can hear it calling out to me, 'Delve deep inside my abyss of ennui and boredom and you will see that I'm just too cool for this world.' I wanna sell my house and my car and be her man-slave and rub scented oils on her flesh!" If anybody does, then it's because they're EVEN MORE BORING AND PATHETIC THAN YOU! NO! You are NOT interesting. You are not too cool for "the scene." You're fucking DULL and LIFELESS! Is that something you want publicized? It sure as hell isn't something I want to read about. If you're boring and stupid, KEEP IT QUIET!
People on Ebay who sell things in "Lots." Just what I need, a package of three CD's that the seller insists on selling TOGETHER: "Enya - Watermark," "Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile," and "A-Teens - Pop Til You Drop."
The stupid lemming-like pseudopatriotism that George W. Bush is rallying over his stupid oil war. He's got the whole idiotic country pissed at the French, just because they have enough sense to see how self-serving his little agenda is. In the Congress and House of Representatives, Republican nimrods have decreed that House restaurants and cafeterias will no longer offer "French Fries" or "French toast," but will instead change the name to fucking "FREEDOM FRIES." Holy fucking hamsterchrist! I WISH I was making this retarded shit up. As I read the news, I could feel my IQ points sapping away and being replaced by fluffy, delicious angel food cake. Mmmmmmmm! Shit like this is going to make the whole world laugh their asses off at us looking like complete fuckwads. The idiocy of the name "Freedom Fries" is enough to make me hide my face in shame in international airports. At least the Fries are still enjoying some freedom, I suppose. I guess Fries don't fall under the jurisdiction of the USA Patriot Act or the Patriot Act 2 (READ MORE) the way every human living in America does. Even if the Patriot Act applied to Fries, I don't think they would be able to appreciate the seriousness of the complete loss of the Fourth Amendment and the Bill of Rights. Then again, the average American seems to be pretty unconcerned with this too. They just want to see who's going to win on Elimidate, hence making them EVEN DUMBER THAN FRENCH FRIES, who demonstrate their mental superiority by showing little or no interest in Elimidate. When I go to McDonald's, I'm going to say, "Excuse me, Miss, could I get some MURDEROUS CRIMINAL REDNECK HOLYROLLER COWBOY TRAITOR MORON fries with my burger? SUPERSIZE it, TEXAS STYLE! I want to be well-fed when the Apocalypse happens. Ron and George and Mini-George have worked so hard for it, believing in their hearts that the book of Revelations is 100% fact, and that bringing on the end of the world would buy them front row tickets to Jesus' very own Vegas-style revue. They'd be so disappointed if anything were to get in their way, like logic or diplomacy. Well, since WW3 is pretty much an inevitability now, I wouldn't want to get sent to Hell on an empty stomach. Better give me a supersize Coke too. I hear there's not a lot to drink in the Lake of Fire." I can totally see why everyone's so pissed at the French though. I mean, what have they done for us..... except be instrumental in helping us win our Revolutionary War and gain our independence so we can say we're actually a real country living under its own government (Even though it's been usurped by corporate criminals)? I mean, I know that if they hadn't helped us back then, we would have lost miserably and would still be a British colony. And they sold us the Louisiana Purchase for peanuts, which is the majority of our current land mass, which they controlled, but what have they done for us LATELY? I say we sink The Statue of Liberty in the harbor out of protest against the French who gave us one of the most powerful symbols of American freedom as a gift. It's not like we value our freedom anymore anyway, so we don't need to keep old musty symbols around to remind us about those outdated ideas that the Founding Fathers imagined for our future. We like to point out that we bailed the French out during WW2, too. Let's put this into perspective. We didn't help them at all until we couldn't possibly put it off any longer, and only then, because it served our interests. Liberating France was incidental next to our goal of defeating our own enemy. We let them stay occupied for FOUR YEARS before we helped them, and even then, it was only to help ourselves. Start bitching at the French when Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden have occupied the White House for four years. Until then, don't scream and complain about France not wanting to join a war that isn't even theirs. If you do, it's clear to me that the war propaganda machine has seeped into your soft, permeable skull and has you by the nuts. If you want to die to make the worst president in history a rich, rich man, go for it. Don't cry when nobody wants to join you. (Written March 11, 2003.)
Movies and video games that have had so many sequels that they're too embarrassed to say what number it is so they switch to things like "Street Fighter ALPHA" and "Jason X."
Those commercials for Valtrex herpes medicine. All the medicine does is treat the symptoms. It doesn't CURE the disease, so it can still be spread. The ads always have a woman who has genital herpes with a handsome boyfriend. They're always enjoying a romantic beach vacation showing lots of cuddling. What they're implying is, "Look how happy she is because her BUBBLY DROOLING WEEPING TWAT BLISTERS aren't showing so they don't tip the poor guy off as to what hideous groin diseases she's giving him." "Thanks to Valtrex, I can get on with my life... of infecting men with horrible STD's without them knowing!"
Idiots who fuck up ID3 Tags on MP3's. I know it's REALLY technical and all, but I think it's pretty obvious what you're supposed to fill in. I'm getting really tired of loading stuff on my MP3 player and it's all totally disorganized because some fucktard filled the ID3 Tag in like this:
Artist: Pigs on the Wing
Song: Pink
Album Title: 1977
Year: Animals
Genre: Floyd
Also - If you're one of these assholes, DO NOT NOT NOT submit your listings to the CD Database, or I'll FIND YOU AND DO BAD THINGS TO YOUR COLON WITH A BROKEN WHISKEY BOTTLE.
Pity addicts who talk about committing suicide all the time and NEVER DO IT. You'll meet this guy in tenth grade and he talks about how the world sucks and how he hates his parents and how he's going to kill himself, and maybe he'll take 15 advils and throw up, thus failing to even kill his headache. His parents send him to counseling. His friends tell him that life gets better and that he has so much to live for... You see this guy around for years, and he always talks about how his life is a mess and how he ought to just kill himself once and for all. He phones the girl who dumped him 4 years ago every day to tell her how she ruined him and how having her back would make everything better, and how not having her back is driving him to "do something bad." By the time he's 30, his arms are scarred up from "failed suicide attempts" (read "attention seeking dramatic shows involving cuts that are too shallow to cut any arteries"). Look. SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT. Suicide is fucking easy if you MEAN it. Your inevitable eventual suicide looks like it's getting postponed into old age. Find a new bit. This act is tired. If you meant business, it would be DONE by now. NEED HELP? I'm sure 15 minutes of driving around at 2am in Harlem could round up someone who would help you along off this mortal coil. Hell, you could probably even find someone with experience and references.
The fact that every time I go to a fast food restaurant and order something 'plain' the cashier scratches his head and winces at the terminal as though I had asked him to use its internal circuitry to build a time machine.
That stupid tan photographer's vest that foreign corespondents wear on the news when they're reporting from a war zone. Why the hell do you wear a suit when you're in Chicago, but when you're in Afghanistan it's time to pull out that tan vest? You couldn't find anything else to wear? You're not even a photographer. It's not like you need pockets for your lenses. "Good evening. This is Dan Rather reporting from the war zone in Kabul. You can tell I'm in a war zone because I am donning a tan vest with many pockets. Yep."
Ultra-Fans. These are the mega-COOLEST, most uber-elite fans of any particular thing. They say,"Hey, do you like Joy Division?" and you reply, "Yeah, I like them ok." At this point a normal human would think, "Hey cool. He likes the same band I do. That's kinda neat since lots of people haven't heard of them. GLEE!!!" Not the Ultra-Fan. The Ultra-Fan wants to TEST your devotion and interest to judge whether you're A.) An obsessive-compulsive worshipper, who refers to the band members casually by their first names, constantly rattles off trivial factoids about the band without a second thought, and is hence, passably cool, or B.) Someone who simply enjoys their music and takes a casual interest, and hence idiotic SCUM since you fail to realize the immense depth of the cosmic importance and genius of Joy Division, because you're obviously some stupid poser who's just trying to look cool, you fake PIECE OF SHIT!! "So uhh... what's your favorite song by Joy Division?" This is a loaded question. While on the surface it appears to be a matter of opinion, it's actually a test question with possible correct and incorrect responses. You reply, "I kinda liked 'Love Will Tear Us Apart.'" You have made a grievous error in your selection. The Ultra-Fan always condescendingly scoffs at people who liked a band's greatest hit... or second greatest hit... or sixteenth greatest hit... or anything that they released on any of their studio albums (aka "corporate sellout bullshit"). Had you named some song that the band played ONLY ONE TIME at a tiny beer bar in 1977 in front of 22 people, with no known recording in existence, then MAYBE... just MAYBE you would have been cool.... cool enough to warrant the NEXT question. But NO! Anyone who likes something that's not absolutely obscure is utterly stupid or is saying they like something to impress the Ultra-Fan without knowing anything about the very most basic aspects of the band, such as the bass player's birthday or the lead singer's favorite restaurant. At this point the Ultra-Fan despises you with every ounce of contempt and venom that he can muster. The look on his face is one of unmistakable and very deep disgust that he is totally unable to conceal. You have failed. You are deemed unworthy of friendship to the Ultra-Fan. I know you're sad. You could have been his ONLY friend, but alas. Now he has more time to himself to obsess over minutiae relating to a band that broke up 20 years ago, and listen to hours of ancient audio tape that was recorded with a microcassette recorder concealed in someone's pant pocket at concerts that happened before you were born, and then duplicated dozens of times over so all you can make out is a distorted cacophony of cymbals and a constant unintelligible rumbling sound. Just think. You could have been there with him, but you blew your chance. Poor you.
The ghetto Bronx practice of NEVER USING DOOR BUZZERS. Instead of hitting the door buzzer to get someone to come out of their apartment in a manner that won't annoy anyone, you know - EXACTLY WHAT THE BUZZER IS THERE FOR, these hood-rats stand outside on the sidewalk staring upwards screaming, "HEY, JENNY!..... JENNY! ......YO, JENNY!...... (LOUD WHISTLE)....... EEEEEEOOOOOO!!! (weird ghetto hailing noise)........................... JENNY!!.........................YO, JENNY!!!!" for as long as 20 minutes.
Horrendously unattractive skanks who assert that people who think they're ugly are superficial. Then they wear revealing clothes to show how "sexy" they are - you know - because wearing trashy hooker clothes appeals to some other sensibility besides noticing surface characteristics and shows people how beautiful they are on the inside.
Obsessive Compulsive Capitalists. I know this guy who can't enjoy or experience ANYTHING without wondering how much money could be made on it. We go to a restaurant and invariably he says something like, "I wonder what the overhead on a place like this would be. It's in a decent but inexpensive neighborhood. This is basically just pasta and some vegetables. I wonder what they pay wholesale for that, and then sell it to us for 12 dollars a plate. Hmmmmmm." One time I had to stop off at a check casher before we went out. His immediate question was, "What percentage do they charge? Hmmmmmmm. Maybe I could get into that..." Another time he checked out my webpage and said, "Hey, have you ever considered charging people to access your site? No? Why don't you put some ads on there? No? But you sell t-shirts on there right? What do you mean you don't mark the prices above what the vendor charges you? What's the point of that? Hmmmmmm..... How much do you pay to run that site? Hmmmmmm.... Do you think you could set up a page for me? Content? Uhhh... You could help me with that couldn't you? I'll pay you." No matter what he's doing he's constantly trying to save a few bucks or he's brainstorming over how he could profit from everything.... EVERYTHING. He probably halfway considers whoring out his wife. Look. You're obnoxious. You're a parasite. Your greed consumes you. You're a lamprey that walks on land, and I've got the coolest idea that will make you rich with no effort and very little investment. You wanted me to help you get into E-business, so here's my idea. Buy a gun. It doesn't have to be a really good gun since it's only going to fire one shot at point blank range. Accuracy doesn't matter if you put the barrel in your mouth. You'll only need one bullet, so you can save a few bucks by not buying a full box. Buy a webcam and space on a webserver. Set up a paypal account and charge people ten bucks a head to see your suicide broadcast live from your living room. Maybe you could even get some corporate sponsors. What would be cooler than you blowing your brains out live on the internet with a Nike "JUST DO IT" t-shirt on? You could be the next Star-Wars Kid or Pee Drinking Monkey or Goatse.cx guy. You'd make a fortune for a 1000th of a second worth of light work.
This guy in a pizza place let out a long chunky-style belch REALLY loudly, and said to his friend (projected enough that the whole place was meant to hear), "Damn, that was good! You know, in Ancient Chinese culture burping was considered a compliment to the chef." WELCOME TO MODERN AMERICA, YOU CRUDE, PRETENTIOUS FUCKHEAD! You just belched in a restaurant full of people. Congratulations! They all now think you're a piece of shit. You couldn't just leave their ire based on the notion that you're some dumb beast who's ignorant of human social customs. No! You and your big, stupid, yammering cock holster had to go and amplify their hatred by telling some inane story of dubious credibility and relevance at a volume intentionally loud enough to be heard by everyone, as though you're delivering an address, that explains why you acted like an absolute buffoon ON PURPOSE!
Why is it in every Sci-Fi movie, the heroes and villains have different colored lasers?
"Close Door" buttons in elevators that make the doors close just as slowly and pretty much when they would have on their own. What's the point? How am I supposed to rend someone's arm off at the shoulder if the door is going to be leisurely about closing when I hit the button? Don't these engineers have any common sense? If the button is there, it should at least be able to slam the door fast enough to make a woman with arms full of grocery bags sprint like a maniac to catch the door with her foot, only to have it splattered like an overripe tomato to the sound of me cackling behind the merciless serrated titanium doors of doom.
This one's not really a rant against people who don't speak english. It's just me being annoyed at idiots. Bear with me. I was calling this guy to come work for me and got this lady at his house.
"Hello. This is Blahblah from Blahblahblah. May I speak to Luis please?"
".......I...sorry....No...uhhhhh..speak English."
Okay - whatever. They don't speak english. That's fine. I'll keep it simple. If I just say the guy's name. Surely that's not too difficult to comprehend regardless of language. It's someone's name, which has nothing to do with Spanish to English translating. "Luis? (few seconds pause)... Luis?"
"...uhhhh..."
"Luis?"
".............Sorry.....uhhhh.....Not understand English."
IT'S SOMEONE'S NAME! IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ENGLISH. IT'S NOT EVEN AN ENGLISH NAME! I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THE GUY LIVES THERE. THE GUY'S CURRENTLY THERE OR HE ISN'T! I'M NOT ASKING YOU A WORD PROBLEM! I'M JUST ASKING YOU A FUCKING NAME! SOMEONE CALLS ON THE PHONE AND SAYS "DAVE?" AND I UNDERSTAND! If there's a Dave around, I'll give him the phone. If there isn't a Dave around, I can figure that out easily too. I don't care if they speak Turkish or Chinese or Swahili. A name is a fucking NAME. NO TRANSLATION NECESSARY. God, I hate people.
Women who breastfeed in public like it's no big deal. "Ohhhh - what's the matter with you. It's perfectly natural and healthy for a woman to nourish her baby by breastfeeding." Yeah. It's also perfectly natural and healthy for a heterosexual adult male to stare at your naked tit. You can't just switch off the sexuality of a woman's breast by attaching your little miniature W.C. Fields to it. You close your shades when you undress. How is this any different? If nourishment flowed from my cock (which, of course, it does), would it be ok for me to pull it out so little creatures could suck on it in the middle of Church? Am I against breastfeeding? No. I am, however, all for making you feel uncomfortable when you do it in the middle of Burger King. Keep your tits in your shirt, lady, unless you want them gawked at. Let's not even get into the fact that 99% of the time a woman is breastfeeding in public, it's a big meaty woman who's breasts you wouldn't even want to see.
People who have never read a book that wasn't written by John Grisham, Anne Rice, Stephen King, Danielle Steele or J.K. Rowling.
The ironic fact that 2/3 of the homepages online have "Often Imitated, Never Duplicated" as their slogan or title. You guys seriously don't see how fucking stupid it is to COPY someone else's tired, unoriginal slogan when it's a slogan about originality? RETARD. RETARD. RETARD CAMSLUT "Awww i need to die? thanks fucktard! If your stupid retarded bitch asa cually read through my page insteed of being a judgemental moron you would know why i use that phrase." (Actual quote from Nadja, Professional Dime a Dozen who doesn't see the EXTREME IRONY of a goth camslut even joking about being original) RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD who thinks that somebody on earth besides him gives enough of a rat's ass to imitate his BEE GEES DISCOGRAPHY. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. RETARD. Did I kinda make my point?
People who join an online chat room and say, "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Anyone CTC?" WOW! Would I Care To Chat? You betcha! You just totally charmed me! If I didn't chat with you, I'd be kicking myself for a week. Saying witty, poignant, humorous, or intelligent things is for squares! I want to talk to someone strictly because he begged to be talked to. I'm going to use that approach in real life. Next time I'm at a bar, I'm going to go up to the DJ stand, take the needle off the record and say into his mic, "Hi! I'm a male from New York. Would anyone like to talk to me?" I bet I get laid!
Great bands that release a new album every five years.
Shitty bands that release a new album every six months, and release singles every four weeks.
Iomega Zip Drives. Why, in 2003, are these fucking things still around? I had one in 1996 and put it on the shelf when I got a CDRW drive. Let's see... I could use CDR's which store 700 megs, cost about 65 cents each and can be used on any computer, or I could use a Zip Drive which uses disks that can only be used on a computer equipped with a Zip Drive, uses disks that cost over 12 bucks each, and only store 250 megs. I suppose I could carry a big clunky drive around with me everywhere so I could use it on non-equipped computers, but in that case wouldn't it be smarter to carry around an external hard drive that can store 100+ gigs? Is this another one of those stupid Mac vs. PC / VHS vs. Beta things? Pull your heads out of your asses and give us what we want! 200 gigs in a credit card sized drive. If you stopped spending all that money on marketing your obsolete product, we'd fucking have it by now. Woo - it's USB powered now? Be still, my beating heart!
Japanese Porn. Let's take a twelve year old girl in a school uniform, hog-tie her with rope in an obviously painful way, have her simultaneously vomiting, pissing, and shooting a fountain of explosive diarrhea, while fifteen guys coat her face with gallons of semen. In fact, why don't we stuff a bunch of little eels in her asshole with a funnel and then have another girl eat them as she shits them out... but be sure to PIXELATE and BLUR the vagina like a witness on America's Most Wanted, because exposed vaginas are just taking it way too far! Uncensored naked vagina? Now THAT'S OFFENSIVE!
People who think they look like some kind of billionaire special ops character from The Matrix who can dodge bullets almost as fast as he can pimp hoes because they wear their hands-free cell phone earpieces AT ALL TIMES. Right now I'm on the subway and the guy across from me is doing the prepackaged "pimpin'" index-finger-to-beard pose while wearing his earpiece. He won't even be able to get a signal until he gets above ground in thirty minutes. I hope his whole head rots away from the right ear canal out.
Security Guards who live in a wet dream fantasy world where they believe that they're actually REAL COPS, to the extent that they grow the patented "COP MUSTACHE" and give everyone walking through the front door of Taco Bell the Secret Service Scowling Detective Glare. "Ohhhh, Man! Those fourteen year olds look like they're up to something. They're standing way too close to the condiment station. Better slip in close, in case they pull out silenced submachine guns, so I can break their necks in three seconds the way Steven Segal would if he were actually anything more than a lousy actor." These guys like to tell cop-esque stories about wrestling people to the ground. "There was this ONE time that I had to use the Mace! I mean, I know that it was because someone was trying to mug me as I was getting into my 1983 Ford Escort after my shift was over when I was leaving to go home, but the point is, they only got in like five or six good, solid punches directly to my face, before I sprayed them with the mace and then ran inside to call 911... err I mean BACKUP! Hey, man! I'm a lone wolf and I operate in stealth mode. I'm like a NINJA, only more deadly! If kids think they're gonna skateboard across the parking lot, they've got another thing coming while I'm on the job! They're in the sleeper hold before they ever knew what hit 'em! They never even see me coming!" Way to go, Rosco! Now go back and sit on your fat ass next to the soda machine and make sure people don't get more than one refill, or you're going to get your eight-dollars-an-hour pay docked again like you did last week.
Guys who's entire knowledge of human anatomy is based on their favorite sports figure's injuries. Very good, Corky. You know where an ACL is. You're a fucking genius! I'll bet you five bucks you can't find a gall bladder on a diagram.
Christians who haven't actually READ the Bible, yet still consider themselves "saved." If you're going to be preachy and annoying, doesn't it make sense that you should at least know what the tenets of your religion are?... And yeah, there's more to it than "hate gays" and "think abortion is murder." Seriously. Go look it up. Find me the part about abortion being murder. You'll find that "it's a child, not a choice," actually isn't a line from the Bible the way you thought it was. On one of my IRC trips to annoy the channel, #christian, one girl was talking about how Jesus has totally changed her life, and continued on to ask, "So what's the difference between the Old and New Testaments?"
Corporate "Alternative" Rock. What better way to keep music from actually being subversive, than by having a controlled fake music media environment where kids are made to believe that average, nonpolitical, non-rabble-rousing bands like Pearl Jam, Creed, Everclear, Slipknot, Korn, Insane Clown Posse, Radiohead, Oasis, etc. are not just the generic rock bands that they are, but are rebellious and radical. How the fuck can a band that's OWNED by the ESTABLISHMENT be ANTIESTABLISHMENT? (The word "Owned" is not used loosely here). If something they were saying was actually "dangerous" there's no way in hell you would ever see them on MTV or hear them in heavy rotation on the radio. Eminem says "fag." Who fucking cares? "I'm offended!" What? You've never heard that word before? People like Eminem are a Jerry Springer-esque DISTRACTION to keep you lulled. There's no deep controversy. He's not a "dangerous" writer. By Eminem saying "naughty" words, the corporate media makes you feel like you're doing something subversive by listening, and makes prudes and overly-politically-correct people freak out like there actually IS a big problem. Do you hear Eminem saying anything about how a war in Iraq is bullshit? NO WAY! Do you hear Linkin Park saying anything about how the 2000 election was rigged? NOPE. Do you hear Insane Clown Posse explaining how to start a revolution against the government? They're too busy being fucking RETARDED to do that. Look at the term "Alternative." Alternative to what? CONVENTIONAL MEDIA. So why the fuck would you think you'd find REAL alternative media ON a huge corporate conventional media outlet? They don't give a rat's ass about the environment or war or political dirty tricks. They want YOUR MONEY, so they design a product that seems like what you're looking for so they can dig around in your pockets. Probably the only reason they pretend to be concerned about AIDS is because in the future, people dying off might cut into their profit margins. You want steak and they give you baloney and tell you it's steak. You happily gulp it down and they wipe the sweat off their brows since you weren't dissatisfied enough to seek out REAL steak. How would you know it's fake alternative music? If you've been raised on MTV and FM radio, you probably don't even know what alternative music is.
The way on movies how when someone is on the telephone and the person on the other end hangs up, it goes, "CLICK (dial tone)" WHEN SOMEONE HANGS UP ON YOU, IT DOESN'T DO THAT, SO WHY DOES IT ALWAYS DO THAT ON MOVIES AND TV? That's even dumber than the BRIGHT LIGHTS UNDER THE CAR DASHBOARD so you can see the characters when they're driving at night!
Grocery store baggers who give you a separate bag for each item that has a slightly different temperature, density, hardness, size, weight, color, flavor, smell, function, shape, value, type of container or brand name. You'll spend five bucks and come out with seven bags. I appreciate that you didn't put my hamburger buns in the same bag as my milk, but is it illegal to put a soup can in the same bag as a cereal box?
Strangers in public places who are WAY too interested in what you're reading or doing. Right now I'm sitting on the subway with my Palm Pilot, and even as I'm writing this, the guy next to me is cocking his head and straining to see what I'm writing. I thought that tilting it away from him in an obvious way would give him a hint, but the more I tilt it, the harder he tries to see what I'm doing. Right now his head is practically over my left shoulder. Time to be a bit more overt... OK. Just now I put the Palm in my right hand and held it outward towards his face. If he wants to see it so fucking badly, HERE! LOOK! HERE IT IS, YOU NOSY FUCK! When I held it out, he went "What?" as though he thought he was being smooth and had no idea why the frustrated person next to him was shoving his PDA in his face. He stared at the floor until the next stop, where he got off.
People who hear that you're happy with something you bought, like a video camera, bicycle, video card, dvd player, etc. and tell you that yours sucks, because somewhere out there for 3 times the money there's one that's better - even if they don't have it themselves or it hasn't been released yet.
People who immediately play the race card when you make fun of music they like. "When you make fun of Rap or Merengue or Reggae, you're just being racist." Who's more racist, me or you, when you say that being a certain race automatically implies that you MUST listen to certain genres of music? I'm white. Does that automatically mean I listen to Country music? Fuck no! I have TASTE! People don't like Puff Daddy because they're black. They like him because they have fucking awful taste in music. Goddamn you're racist! How dare you say that being certain ethnicities gives you lousy taste?
People, who, knowing that commas, are used, to create pauses, in a sentence, use them, as though, they are creating pauses, for someone, with emphysema, to read, out loud.
People who make that fucking "TSK" mouth smacking noise. THIS SOUND. What the fuck is that shit? Punctuation? "Man! (smacky slobber noise) This line is moving so slow! (smacky slobber noise) Nothing could be more annoying than waiting in this goddamn slow line! (smacky slobber noise) (Noisy sound of me violently decapitating the person with only my fingernails)" NOTHING could be more annoying? Try standing next to YOU for 15 minutes, you fucking mouth smacking feltch monster! When I hear it, it's as though some invisible entity came down and planted an "I AM A MORON AND BEING WITHIN TWENTY FEET OF ME FOR MORE THAN TEN SECONDS WILL RESULT IN ME ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU" flag in the top of the person's head. Every time that noise invades my ear canals, I feel like smashing the person's teeth out so they won't have any left to tongue air through.
People who loan you a video (or CD) that they think is great, but is actually total crap, insisting that you check it out. It sits on your coffee table for a week and they constantly bug you, asking, "So what did you think? Did you check it out yet? Really? Dude! You gotta watch it! It's fucking awesome." Then when you return it, they QUIZ you about what you thought about it to see if you really watched it. "I think it's Schwazeneggar's best comedy since Kindergaten Cop! What do you think? What was your favorite part?"
People who I tell an offensive joke to, who think it's funny, and go tell it to other people who get offended by it. Then they point and say, "Oh - HE told me that!" Then they hate MY guts, when I would have never told the joke to people who I knew I would bomb miserably in front of. If you tell someone a joke, it's YOURS. If you thought the recipients could handle it, and they couldn't, don't fucking point at me. Sure, asshole! Tell the hippy chick with the Greenpeace button on her PETA t-shirt the "Seal Clubbing Joke!" I may have made it up, but it's YOUR fault they heard it, so fucking burn in that shame, you tactless cock. If they thought it was brilliant and hilarious, I wouldn't see you pointing at me, so go die noisily in some searingly painful and excruciatingly slow manner.
People who hear that you have at least a passing interest in something that they like, and from then on won't let you walk past them without wanting to talk about it. "Hey, I hear you own a com-pu-ter! What do you think about the GeForce 4? I got Unreal 17 - want me to burn you a copy? Did you read any reviews about the latest Creative Labs sound card? What did you think about Dell switching to DDR 333 RAM? I got a 22 inch NEC Monitor and I was wondering what you had your refresh rate set at. I heard they were going to release a new type of Compact Flash media. Did you hear anything about that? I was thinking about getting this Handspring PDA. Mind if I email you the URL so I can get your opinion on it? RELATE TO ME!!!! I'M SO LONELY AND ONE-DIMENSIONAL! MUST FIND HUMAN COMPANIONSHIP! HELP ME!!!!! (GRAB GRAB! CLAW CLAW!)
Bank Hours. Most Americans with full-time jobs work 9-5, and most banks are open 9-4 M-F, so the only way people can go to the bank is to miss some time at work, spend their lunch break, or go during the 3 or 4 hours that banks are open on Saturdays (if they even ARE open on Saturdays). Fuck that shit! Bank branches are a fucking service industry, like restaurants or grocery stores. They should be open during hours when working people can go to them. Most of the people who consistently have convenient access to them now don't have jobs, and why the hell would they have money to deposit or withdraw in the first place?
Those commercials on TV for mail-order wampum. As if it's not bad enough that an obnoxious screaming guy is trying to sell you flimsy knives, rickety tools, quack health and beauty aids, CDs that nobody would ever buy, software that wouldn't be worth downloading for free, and cheaply animated videos of Bible stories, they have the AUDACITY to tell you that you're getting a bargain based on some TOTALLY ARBITRARY PRICE that THEY MADE UP OUT OF THEIR DISEASED IMAGINATIONS! "Normally, this set of cheap, tin knives would retail for as much as 74 thousand dollars, but if you call RIGHT NOW, you'll get all this for only 10 low payments of only $19.95!! That's a savings of over SEVENTY THREE THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS! You can't afford to pass up a deal like this!" Oh gee! You're totally right! I would be a complete jerk if I didn't immediately call and order your bullshit. After all, that's like getting $73,800 dollars in value FOR FREE! Surely you won't add my name, phone number and address to a phone solicitor and junk mail "Sucker List." I'm sure a company that claims that their 5 inch plastic sewing tool that runs on two double-A batteries and is being sold for $19.99 is comparable in quality to a professional sewing machine that costs $700 has exemplary business ethics. "Bend over! Operators are standing by!"
People who act like cavemen at restaurants. I went to a "family style" (aka screaming kids) restaurant today, and as the waiter was taking my order, a girl from a table a few feet away from me screamed, WAITER!!!" She needed something of DIRE importance: Ketchup... well... MORE ketchup. Her sister across the table had the other full bottle, and the girl couldn't wait four seconds for her to put it down. The waiter looked over and politely said, "I'll be there in just a minute." He then turned back around and tried to continue taking my order. His pen had only just touched the ticket, when once again we heard the wailing. "WAAAAITER!!!" I wondered what kind of parents would let their kids behave so abominably in public. Then I looked over and saw their mother with AN ENTIRE CHICKEN BREAST, bone and all, on the end of a fork, tearing at it with her sloppy, smacking maw like a tyrannosaur. It was like watching a National Geographic special about subhuman hominids. I imagined she was using a fork only because there was no pointed stick at the place setting.
Bands who's haircuts are 100 times more inventive and interesting than their music. Be sure to spend lots of time looking hardcore and tortured as you grip the mic in both hands and writhe around like the music is so deep and intense that merely singing the lyrics HURTS YOU. Now if only you could WRITE, you'd have a reason to have a job.
People who run webpages, who update their page only to tell you that there's no update because they have writer's block, too much homework (aka writer's block), have been spending too much time at work (aka writer's block), have had a computer crash (aka writer's block), or that their bitchy girlfriend is saying that they spend too much time on the computer (aka writer's block plus whipped). These non-update updates are usually accompanied by a link to something they saw online that they thought was funny that you've probably already seen. "Hey guys! I'm still alive! I know I haven't updated the page since four months ago, before I mistakenly put my digital camera in the dishwasher, but I have a lot of cool things planned so keep checking back! In the meantime, check out this page. (link to Fark.com)" The next time you'll see a change on the page is when it's a big white screen with the message "This page cannot be displayed."
People who accuse black celebrities like Bryant Gumbel and Denzel Washington of "not being black enough." Wait a second. They're BLACK. They each have two black parents and four black grandparents. How are they not black? Should Gumbel wear a baseball hat and a North Face jacket on the news? Should Washington give "big-ups" and "props" instead of "thanks" when he accepts his Oscar? Since when did ghetto street cred count more than genetics to be a certain ethnicity? You mean to tell me Bryant Gumbel's not black enough but Eminem is?
The dialogue that you have to go through to exit a PC video game. "Esc....Quit to Main Menu" "QUIT?" "Yes." (load load) "Quit" "Really Quit?" "Yes." "Are You Totally Serious That You Want To Quit?" "Yes." "Save Game?" "Yes." "Type Filename." "ldfuihfiuhf... Enter" (Goes back to the main game menu) "Quit" "QUIT?" SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH!!!!
People who don't move a muscle when you say, "Pardon me." They're forgetting that "Pardon me" is the polite cousin of "Get the fuck out of the way, asshole," who's never far behind.
People who corner me to talk about stupid crap that I couldn't give a rat's ass about. Without fail I am continually wedged into office corners or lounge alcoves or restaurant booths and pestered by warm-breathed spittle-flinging close-talkers with protruding nose hair who want to tell me lengthy anecdotes about how bad their commute was or how nasty the weather is or how good some zero-star movie with Jet Li was. Just get a fucking pet rock or something. Most likely you already know I don't care about any of the sounds that are blowing in garlic scented gusts of wind out of your trachea and being modulated by your oscillating mandible, so just get a fucking journal if you feel compelled to express thoughts and feelings that nobody on the face of the earth will care the slightest bit about... ever. I'm nodding politely as though I hear what you're saying, but all I can hear is Charlie Brown's teacher from those "Peanuts" cartoons.
Rappers whose post-mortem career is much longer, more profitable, and produces more albums, t-shirts, posters and action figures than when they were alive.
Women who go to sperm banks and insist on being inseminated with the sperm of Nobel Prize winners and accomplished actors and musicians, in striking contrast to their usual insemination method in the restroom stall at two-for-one margarita night with an auto mechanic who failed his GED twice, whose bill collectors and ex-wives' lawyers have on speed dial, who just got his child sodomy case dismissed because it was dark and the 14 year old boy couldn't be 100% sure it was him.
Subway Sandwiches. BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD meat BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD BREAD That'll be 6 bucks. Thank you. Come again.
Flakes. Look. If you say you're going to be somewhere, be there. Don't tell me you're going to do something if, in actuality, you're still milling it over. That's passive aggressive bullshit; a fucking annoying power trip. "Hey! I'm going out to that bar tonight with a few of the guys from work. Wanna go?" "Yeah, man! Hey, let's meet at that pizza place at 34th Street at 10:30 so we can grab something to eat first." "Sounds cool. See you then." Then everyone sits at the pizza place until 12:00 waiting for you to show up. Everytime we call you, we get your voicemail. The next day I call you to see what happened and you say something like you didn't feel well, when you really felt fine and spent the whole night watching a marathon of "The Man Show," or some other dogshit. If you're undecided, FUCKING SAY SO. I'd rather even hear, "Nah, I feel like watching Hamtaro for 11 hours," than have you commit to meeting and then I stand there like an asshole waiting for you. I love people who totally disagree with me by comparison to people who have no idea what they want.
People who spend 4 times longer deciding where you're going to go eat, or what movie you're going to rent than you'll actually spend enjoying them.
I had an ex that would go as long as you'd let her.
"What do you want to eat?"
"Oh, whatever. You decide."
"Mexican?"
"Nah."
"Pizza?"
"Nah."
"Burgers?"
"Nah."
"Steaks?"
"Nah."
"Chinese?"
"Nah."
"Italian?"
"Nah."
"Uhhhh... Barbecue?"
"Nah."
"You want to wait until later?"
"No. I'm hungry."
"So what do you want?"
"I donno. Whatever you wanna get. Anything."
(Long contemplative pause) "Uhh... Cajun?"
"Nah."
"Seafood?"
"But you don't like seafood."
"That's ok. I'll just get chicken or a burger there."
"Hmmmm... Nah."
90 minutes and a half-tank of gas later we ended up getting Mexican food. Then at about 8pm we were off to the video store that closed at midnight... without a minute to spare.
"I can't play your video file on my mid-80's Amiga computer. You should fix that."
"I can't play your video.." "Are you using Media Player?" "No." "Download it. It takes like 2 minutes." "Nahh... But I still wanna see it."
"Your video doesn't work." "A couple hundred other people have seen it and I have a few people watching it right now." "Well, it doesn't work."
Those whorish internet beggar sites. Fuck you and your wish list. You want strangers to buy you things just for doing the stupid cam-hooker 'cute head tilt?' There are very few people that I despise on an individual basis, but I fucking LOATHE the girl from savekaryn.com. "Help me erase my twenty thousand dollar debt that I racked up by being a completely stupid, shallow, materialistic, superficial, elitist cunt. Did I get this debt from college loans or medical bills? No way! I was maxing out credit cards at Armani Exchange on exorbitantly overpriced trendy clothes that will be laughably out of style in two weeks. What am I doing to erase my debt on my own? Well, I steal food and shampoo from my roommate! Aren't I adorable? I also save lots of money by being a smart shopper! Instead of buying Gucci when it's full price, I save loads of money by waiting until it's on sale for 10% off! This cute little purse only cost me 170 dollars! What a STEAL! It feels great to be such a responsible shopper! I also leave the tags on my designer clothes and purses so when I get bored of them after wearing them twice, I can TAKE THEM BACK and exchange them for NEW STUFF, because that makes me a decent human being. Then I brag about being a total cunt on my page, because you think it's adorable! And don't you just love the way I intentionally pretentiously misspelled 'Karen?' Give me money, because I'm just a silly, stupid girl, and helpless antifeminist girly girls are deemed cute by our retarded society." If the person running that site was a working married guy with two kids who wanted to save up 20K to put a downpayment on a house for his family, do you think anyone would have given him a fucking dime? I want to cram her entire body through a pencil sharpener. What makes me REALLY angry, is that idiots gave her OVER THIRTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS, besides her ebay sales, thus VALIDATING her parasitic behavior by PAYING OFF HER DEBT. She only paid a little over $2000 of her own cash. Do you think she's learned her lesson? Fuck no. she'll be back in a couple of years with a closet full of clothes that would make Jennifer Lopez's jaw drop, begging for you to bail her out again! She's not Amnesty International asking for a donation to help right the world's wrongs. She's a shameless narcissistic whore begging for you to bankroll her disgustingly superficial and self-absorbed existence. For a long time I avoided even mentioning her site here, since I wanted to avoid extending her fifteen minutes of fame and definitely wanted to sleep at night knowing that if anyone gave her a single penny, they didn't find out about her on my site, but it kept eating at me and irritating me like sitting in a pool of battery acid. I wish I could see wasps hollow out her rib cage to make a nest.
Video game logic. Why do they have harder and harder enemies as the game progresses? In the beginning of the game, I'm fighting against slow-moving dimwitted cannon fodder armed with pop guns. Then after I progress, I'm up against heavily armored guys with sniper rifles, rocket launchers, rapid fire plasma guns, flak cannons and thermo-optic invisibility camouflage. If the bad guys really intend to stop me from foiling their plans, why don't they put a few of each type of their guards in all areas of the game? Makes sense to me. Level One: Rocket Propelled Grenade to the FACE! That'll show that uppity GI who got separated from his platoon and is armed with a hunting knife and a pistol! What kind of steroid monster is the hero anyway? He's capable of carrying a hunting knife, a crowbar, a pipe wrench, 3 different pistols and 250 rounds for them, 2 different shotguns and 250 shells for them, a dachshund and 300 dog biscuits for him, 3 submachine guns that each use their own type of ammo and he can carry 300 of each kind, 25 hand grenades, 25 satchel charges, 25 C4 proximity bombs, 3 different assault rifles that each use their own type of ammo and he can carry 300 of each kind, a heavy machine gun and 400 50 cal rounds to go with it, a grenade launcher and 50 grenades, a rocket launcher and 20 rockets, 4 different sci-fi weapons that use either nuclear fuel, hamsters or depleted uranium rounds, night goggles, binoculars, a full set of scuba gear, full body armor and car keys. It also kinda doesn't seem too bright that the bad guys just leave tons of ammo, armor, weapons, first aid and other assorted powerups just laying around. The way they give high powered weapons to their enemies, you'd think they were on Ronald Reagan's Cabinet.
Movie theatres where the movie is out of focus. What the fuck is the problem? It's the SAME FUCKING FOCAL LENGTH EVERY TIME YOU PLAY THE MOVIE! You don't even have to adjust anything. JUST LEAVE THE FOCUS ALONE! It's not like the screen MOVES to a different spot every time you play it. Considering I just paid ten bucks for admission and another 73 dollars on a small popcorn and a kiddy-size coke to see something that I'll see again for free on cable in a few months, you could at least have the decency to act like you're being paid and set the focus right, you shits.
People who think that always ordering the $150 Pouilly Fuisse at restaurants automatically makes them refined and sophisticated. Money doesn't buy Class.
People who make pointless, stupid, TERRIBLE little Flash animations, not because they're even slightly funny or creative or even make any understandable sense, but because they know how to program in Flash... sorta. Examples: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9.
People who set their clocks fast so they won't be late. Anyone that's not completely brain-dead will remember that they had set it ahead, and will compensate accordingly. Are you really so stupid that you trick YOURSELVES?
"It's 9:50. I'd better set it to 10:00 so I won't be late.... OH MY GOD! IT'S 10:00!"
What happens when someone asks you for the time? "Oh uhh - it's 3:00... no wait. I have my watch set ten minutes fast. Sorry. It's 2:50."
"Why do you have your watch set fast?"
"Because I'll be late all the time unless I set it fast."
"So you're uhh..."
"Stupid. Yes, sir. I am."
"And you don't remember that you set it fast?"
"I am a simple man, sir."
George Lucas' fixation with making things CUTE and GOOFY. Ewoks = ANNOYING. Short Round = ANNOYING. Jar-Jar = ANNOYING.
Geeks who spend tons of time and loads of money on cooling fans and special cases so they can overclock their processor so it will go a LITTLE faster, when it would be cheaper to buy a new motherboard, memory, and processor that goes MANY TIMES faster and is actually stable. Dude. It's an Intel Celeron 200mhz running at 233mhz at 275 degrees farenheit..... GIVE IT A FUCKING REST! Is a 33mhz performance boost worth burning the fucking house down?
The 45 and older webcam crowd. Just don't. Please?
The fact that in New York City, the wind blows directly in your face no matter what direction you're walking. Then when you come to a corner, it blows HARDER.
People who say "kewl" without meaning it ironically.
People who think that Maxim, FHM, Cosmopolitan, etc. are viable instruction manuals for human social conduct. Nothing gets you laid faster than gross generalizations about what ALL women are looking for in men.
People who think that someone's Astrological Sign means ANYTHING other than a range of dates when the person would have been born. When people ask me what sign I am, I lie and tell them something different and they always go "Wow! That so fits your character," regardless of what sign I tell them.
People who say idiotic things like, "I'm against organized religion. I'm a Wiccan." Here's a hint... You said Wiccan and I knew precisely what you meant. My definition of religion: "Belief that things that are not real are as important or more important than the real concrete world in which we live." Don't try to bring up the pretentious argument, "What is Real? Explain to me what 'Real' means." Use some common sense. My index finger as it pokes through your cornea is REAL. Do you believe in something supernatural? Does at least one other person share the same belief? Do people who share this belief have a collective name? THEN YOU'RE IN AN ORGANIZED RELIGION, DUMBASS! Stop trying to be trendy.
Transformers Armada. What better way to revive one of the greatest memories of every guy who grew up in the 80's than with a cheaply made cartoon that makes Digimon look really hardcore. "Ahh, Optimus! You may think that you've won, but I have this cheesy little Mini Mascot! Now I'll merge and defeat you in some sort of vague, colorful, nonviolent way! GOTTA CATCH EM ALL! Err, I mean... ROBOTS IN DISGUISE!"
Microsoft Movie Maker 2. When I heard about this I was excited because it boasted all kinds of effects and advanced editing. When it came out I downloaded it and thought I'd give it a whirl. I loaded up an avi and tried to apply an effect to it. CRASH! Ok....Sooooo I restarted it and loaded a different avi and thought I'd clip it to edit it. CRASH! Basically anything you do makes it crash - and it's not your run of the mill slow-down / lock / behave-erratically / program-has-encountered-an-error type of crash. If I had hit the X in the corner, I could not have made this program disappear off my screen as quickly or efficiently. There would have at least been a "save changes" message. Nope. Just WHAM! Basically, using this program to EDIT anything will make it close, making it one hell of a great movie EDITOR. Hoo-Boy!
People who think they're ripping me by commenting on how much I'm online. "HAH! You're a NERD! You're on IRC every time I get on!" I'm on CABLE, you fucking AOLTARD! I know that to you, this sounds like some sort of fantasy world that I live in, but I actually don't get disconnected every 15 minutes the way you do. No, not even when I idle. I mean, I know that's hard to grasp, but trust me on this. And no, it's not some L33T WAR3Z anti-idle crack that you can download either. Maybe that's enough to digest at one time. I'll tell you about bandwidth some other time when you're not so shaky.
Little IRC Script kiddies who use a flooder bot to flood a channel for 30 seconds before the ops get everything under control, then the kids come back saying, "HAAAAA!! WE 0wned J00!" Yeah. Wow. I'll never get those 30 seconds back. I may as well kill myself now.
Those stupid 1-800-call-att 1-800-collect 1-800-eat-balls commercials...
Former Celebrity Bimbo: HEY! Were you about to dial Zero to make that call?
Former Celebrity Dork: Well - We're unicycling across Antarctica and we don't have ANY change!
Former Celebrity Bimbo: Holy FUCK! You don't deserve to LIVE to pass down your inferior NO-CHANGE-CARRYING gene to weaken future generations!
(Bimbo crushes Dork's windpipe with a sledgehammer that she conveniently has stashed in her exposed cleavage)
Video game packaging and TV advertisements that misleadingly show shots of the cutscenes to mask how much the actual gameplay sucks.
People online who have an "art" page and all their art is pencil drawings of Dragon Ball Z characters.
Ppl dat b misspellin thangs on purpose coz dey think dat it makes dem luk kool. Sumbdy shud tell dem dat wot dey think makes dem luk kool axshully makes dem luk st00pid 4 realz. Wen U want 2 make shur dat UR lukin reely st00pid, B shur 2 typ lyke dis, coz nuttin on earf make U luk lyke U gots da intellekt ofa box o kraff mac-ncheez mo dan typin lyke dis. On da realz, cuz. Holla atcha. Peace-out. Werd.
Software Manuals. So many software manuals are like publishers' apologies to end users. They make a huge book to bring functionality to a program that's so poorly conceived that none of its basic features are self explanatory. They skim over processes that are more advanced, and then drone on and on about things that should have been made simpler in the first place. "Make a button? No way! We'd rather make an inch-thick manual!" The other end of software manuals are for complete idiots that need ass-wiping explained to them.
Fourteen year olds who think they have a thing or two to teach me about living and the way the world is.
People who I link to who don't update their page for 8 months, who email me to ask why I removed the link to their page.
People who hold the door of the subway train and go, "Is this the D train?" despite the fact that every single one of the ten cars of the train is littered inside and out with a dozen sixteen inch bright orange signs with the capital letter D on them and there is a 12 foot long sign hanging above the track at the bottom of every stairwell that says D SERVICE TO THE BRONX.
Ghetto Debating Technique.
"What? What? What? Say it again! Say it again! Pffft! Whatever! Whatever! Now whatcha gonna do? What? Now whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do? So whatcha gonna do? Pffft! Whatever! What? Say it again! So say it again! Pffft! Whatever! Bitch?! What?! What?! Say it again! What's that, bitch?! Pfft! So whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do, bitch?! Whatcha gonna do? I'm here! I'm here! I'm here! What? So whatcha gonna do? I'm here! I'm right here! Why don't you say it to my face? Say it to my face! So say it to my face! What, bitch? Fuckin pussy! Say it to my face! Say it to my face, pussy! Pffft! Whatever!"
Stupid Conspiracy Theorists who can't see something significant happen on the news without questioning the Mason/Mossad/CIA/KGB/UFO/Nostradamus/Revelations/Skull and Bones/Nazi/Liberal Media/Conservative Media/Muslim Jihad/Lizard People from the Center of the Earth/Communist/Black Helicopters connection. Sure, I agree that there are things that are hidden from us by "The Powers That Be," but give it a fucking rest. NOT EVERYTHING is part of an overall master plot by evil secret societies. If you're so hell-bent on exposing the truth when it seems to be hidden, stop weakening your own purpose by spouting a bunch of hearsay and gibberish and speculation over everything you see on the news. You want to be taken seriously? Fine - then you can't play the Free Mason card every time you get a fucking parking ticket. Stop crying wolf. Stop crying Alien Mutant CIA wolf. It's all bullshit and you just come off sounding like some idiot wingnut. Sometimes shit just happens and it's not always "THEM."
Work-At-Home Scams. Do you want to earn up to $5000 a month with no upfront costs? Then how about if you lazy Oprah-ites go get a FUCKING JOB... a REAL one, and no, Mary Kay doesn't count. Making decent money might actually require that you get at least a marginal education, or develop some marketable skills, or heaven forbid, MISS A FEW EPISODES OF "GENERAL HOSPITAL!" Here's a hint. You spend a couple of hours a day putting thousands of business cards on payphones and bus stops just to get a couple of phone calls a day. Does that sound like an activity that a successful person would engage in? See how your little Herbalife brochure says "Not Available in Stores?" Take a hint: If it weren't SHITTY, it WOULD be in stores.
Computer animation used to advertise things like anti-wrinkle creams, mattresses, acne medication, razors, sinus medicine, etc. "Holy shit! This advertisement must be completely true because they showed a 3d computer-generated model of that contour pillow straightening my entire spine and making the glowing red areas of pain go away! What's that toll-free number again, Dave?"
"Shout outs." You're not really thanking anyone. You're just name dropping and trying to look cool. Shut up, parasite.
Fuckheads who run a red light and then angrily honk their horns at the pedestrians in the crosswalk that they're about to plow through. "HOW DARE THEY PUT THEIR SKULLS UNDER MY TIRES! I JUST WASHED THIS CAR! CAN'T THEY SEE THAT I'M EXERCISING MY GOD-GIVEN AMERICAN RIGHT TO BE AN ASSHOLE? IF THEY'RE STUPID ENOUGH TO START CROSSING JUST BECAUSE IT'S TOTALLY ILLEGAL FOR ME TO RUN THIS RED LIGHT AND DRIVE THROUGH THEM, TURNING THEM INTO A FINE MIST-LIKE SPRAY OF BLOOD AND MEATY BITS, THEN THEY DESERVE WHAT THEY GET!"
People on IRC, Forums, Live Journals and Blogs who post what music they're currently listening to. Even on the (rare) occasions that I like both the person and the music they're playing, it's never made me go, "COOL! I love that song! They're so cool and interesting for listening to that!" Wow. Smashing Pumpkins. In your last post you were listening to Blink 182, and Ani DiFranco in the post before that. Thanks for telling me, because I totally give a shit.
Anyone who is "GOIN' THERE," "FEELIN' IT," "KEEPIN' IT REAL," or "NOT TRYIN' TA HEAR THAT." "Oh no you DIDN'T!" (Pronounced DIH-ent) You're goddamn right I did. Now shut the fuck up, retard!
People who spell it "Fucken." If you're going to misspell it, MISSPELL IT PROPERLY! The CORRECT misspelling is "Fuckin."
People who think that the most interesting thing about Stephen Hawking is his robotic sounding voice synthesizer.
People who watch wars on CNN with the same glee and excitement as someone watching the Superbowl.
Kids who grew up in predominantly white, middle class suburbs who one day decide they are going to talk, dress, and use mannerisms as though they grew up in a rough neighborhood of inner city Detroit. Nice rolled up pant leg, HONKY.
DVD packaging that lists "Scene Selection" and "Interactive Menu"as features. OH MAN! YOU MEAN I CAN SELECT WHATEVER SCENE I WANT??? AWESOME!!!!
14 year old acne-covered obese girls who get mad when some boy band trained chimp like Justin Timberlake dates someone famous, because they just know that one day, he will see them screaming at him from the sidewalk outside MTV's TRL and fall in love with them for who they are inside their hearts.
People who think that the corner convenient store is a happening night spot. When I go to the one nearest me, I always have to squeeze past like four guys who are just hanging out inside the door. Sure, there's no cover charge - but there's a REASON.
Guys who overcustomize their $10K four cylinder cars as though they are race cars. Hint: Honda Civic = ECONOMY CAR... NOT RACECAR. Why not just wear a T-shirt that says, "I HAVE A TINY PENIS AND AM UNINTERESTING SEXUALLY," and get it over with. They always try to retort with "Well what do YOU drive, pussy?" This challenge basically reveals two things... 1.) They think that the CAR and not the OWNER is being made fun of. A car is just an object. Someone insecure enough to think that the purchase and display of an OBJECT is enough to make up for lacking attractive personality traits is SAD, SAD, SAD. Not to mention that the object in question is essentially a car which anyone with a halfway decent job could afford, which is then dressed up like an Easter Egg for display as some sort of pathetic status symbol. "WITNESS THE GRANDIOSE MAJESTY OF MY MEDIOCRITY!" Then they install an ANTI-MUFFLER with a 6 inch diameter tailpipe to try to make their puny four cylinder sound like it has some balls. 2.) They use a sexually oriented stab, "pussy" (exchange "fag," "faggot," "fucking queer," "sissy," etc. where applicable) because the car IS in fact purely compensatory of their sexual insecurity. And since they truly feel that way, they've programmed themselves to think that someone with either a sensible car, or no car at all, is sexually lacking. Moto-Mojo.
People who read the thing I wrote above about customized Hondas, and felt superior because they own an American car that comes stock with more horsepower. You totally missed the point. The fact that your car was fast when you bought it STILL doesn't make up for the fact that you have a small penis. When I see rednecks with Ford Mustangs or Chevy Camaros with the stupid Nascar number stickers in the windows, I think, "Ahh... 3.... inches."
"Girls Gone Wild" videos. In this world of high quality porn, where is the market for video cam shots of drunk skanky girls showing their tits? And why do they have to be advertised in loud obnoxious commercials on every commercial break on every channel? Is there some LAW that says that girls showing their breasts must stick out their tongues? "WOW! LOOK! It's a girl who owns breasts making a stupid face! Oh god! I'm gonna cum!"
Rappers who continually flaunt their jewelry, cars, cell phones, and women, implying somehow that their wealth is due to being some sort of criminal underworld power figure. Of course you have money! Of course you get laid! You're a multiplatinum MUSICIAN, numbnuts. If you put a potato on-stage in front of 10,000 people, SOMEONE would want to fuck it. Last time I checked, the job title "Musician" didn't make you a tough guy, though I feel myself straining calling someone a musician when their real job title should be "Inarticulate guy with an undeserved large ego who has friends in the music industry and puts on a mean face anytime someone puts a camera in front of him." Big Pun died of a heart attack? GO FIGURE! He was 675 pounds and STILL tried to brag about his sexual prowess. Ahh - money, jewelry, cars, guns, and sluts... what an endless source for creative, inspired music writing. (Insert 6 minutes of repeating unchanging sampled beatloop here).
Americans who strain too hard to pronounce foreign names correctly. I get really tired of newscasters calling Pakistan "Pok-ee-STAHHN," or Afghanistan "Off-gohhn-ee-STAHHN," or Yasser Arafat "Yah-SEER Ahh-Rahh-Fahht." It seems so silly and forced. Just speak like an American. Are you trying to impress somebody? If people from Colombia can call us "Estados Unidos," we shouldn't have to call them "COHH-LOHHM-BEE-AHHH." People who get that hung up on foreign pronunciation don't seem cultured and politically correct the way they think they do. They seem more like they're apologizing for being American.
Cashiers who hoard certain denominations of money. For example, you'll give the cashier a 20 for something that costs 5 bucks, and you can see that they have tens in the drawer, but they hand you three five dollar bills. What the fuck? Are they saving for a rainy day? Will it really save them loads of time when they're counting out their drawer by counting tens instead of fives? What happens when you run out of fives? Don't tell me - I already know. You'll give them ONES.
Penny Arcade. This is basically a comic strip about two roommates who do nothing but play video games. Geeks everywhere rejoice at a comic geared specifically to them, except for one significant flaw: This comic is absolutely devoid of comedy. It's completely UN-FUNNY. It's like that old unfunny cartoon "Doctor Katz" on tranquilizers. The side of a box of Shredded Wheat gets more deep belly laughs. You'll flip through thirty of them and finally get to one that makes you sort of make a wry smile because you vaguely remember the mid-80's video game that the referential joke refers to, but I've sifted through over a hundred of them and never hit Audible Laughterland once. I kept waiting to see the one that everyone else apparently saw and thought was hilarious. It never came. It's not even that I don't get the jokes. I get like 99.9% of them. The humor isn't complex, and it's definitely not highbrow. It's just that they always hit about 2.4 on the 10-scale comedy meter. You keep hitting the "Previous Comic" button over and over, hoping that they will get better. FOOL! They never get better... EVER. Ha-HAH! Another "X-Box is Big" joke! Ha-HAH! Another "Duke Nukem Forever" joke! Ha-HAH! Another "Game Cube has a Weird Controller" joke! Ha-HAH!! Another "Everquest will Kill Your Social Life" joke! What's even worse is, that like many other amazingly unfunny comics, it suffers from long-winded disease. Look. Comic word bubbles should not have a PARAGRAPH or MULTIPLE PARAGRAPHS in them. They make you read a single strip for 5 minutes, and it could have been made easily as unfunny with no words at all, except they torture you more by making you wait 5 minutes to get to the amazingly bland outcome. I suppose this is really funny to guys who live like the characters in the comic and play video games all day every day and never go outside, but not to me since I have real world conversations on a half-hourly basis are far more hilarious than this comic. The only thing that actually makes me laugh is the fact that the characters have girlfriends.
Microsoft Paint. HOORAY for this revolutionary image editor! Look out, Photoshop! There's a new player on the block and uhh... hey wait! It's not anything new at all! It's fucking OLD and TIRED! It does exactly the same shit that it has since Windows 3.1. It looks the same. It behaves the same. It saves files in the unusably large BMP file format. It does NOT ONE THING MORE than it did 10 fucking years ago. I don't care if it's 300k or 3 bits. It's SPACE WASTED. It's mere presence on my computer is like a red flag to display Microsoft's NON-INNOVATION. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT?
People who wear walkman headphones around the back of their heads with models that are designed to go over the top of their heads. OOOO! YOU LOOK SO COOL!
People who lick their fingers to turn pages or count money. I was in a deli today and the cashier kept licking her fingers after every few bills to count the money. She couldn't go more than 5 or 6 seconds without her finger rising up to her mouth. YOU SERVE FOOD, YOU FUCK! Let's not even mention that you've probably unknowingly ingested several hundred pounds of other people's fecal matter during the course of your career.
"Cartman" impersonators.
Electric Car Crusaders (Like THIS guy). Oooooohh! Look! You're saving the planet by driving a car with a top speed of 45 miles per hour that burns no fossil fuel! Ahhh - but after you've driven it 75 miles, how do you recharge it? Oh yeahhhh... You plug it into an ELECTRICAL OUTLET FOR SEVERAL HOURS, unlike a regular car where you stop at a gas station, swipe your credit card, and head down the road! And we all know that power plants use no fossil fuel or anything! They get their electricity from MAGIC!
Those commercials where they show people who do not live in mansions giving each other fucking Mercedes and Jaguars and Lexuses (Lexii?) with bows on them for Christmas presents. What kind of far-out bullshit fairytale world do you fuckheads live in? So much for "it's the thought that counts." Now I need to spend SIXTY GRAND on a fucking CAR to warrant a thank-you note. Thanks for transforming the 300 dollar leather jacket that I was going to give into a "kinda-ok-I-guess" present, you unrealistic hyper-materialistic bastards!
Those commercials for Uncle Ben's microwave bowls. Who the fuck gets all worked up over a TV dinner? "Oh my god! RICE makes me so horny! MY CLIT IS THROBBING AND TINGLING FOR YOU, RICE!"
Anyone who has ever taped an episode of "The Man Show."
Macs and Mac users. Can't make it better? Put it in a fruity looking case! Why spend millions on research and development on new OS's or hardware that's truly better than your competition when you can spend much less and make it really different on the OUTSIDE and make smarmy "Switch" ads for TV? Welcome to the future! Same shit, new choice of colors. Enjoy your one button mouse and fifteen inch monitor! Upgrade? Don't be silly. Everything is already built in! That way, when you feel like you need a more powerful machine, you don't have the stress of swapping the processor and motherboard for a couple hundred bucks like on a PC. Instead, you spend a couple thousand more and simply throw away your old Mac like an old Dreamcast. Wow! Mac sure is EASIER (toss)! Your neighbors will think you're throwing away an artsy lamp from the 1960's. Not that you're really going to need to upgrade soon, since most Mac users I talk to say things like, "I don't understand PC users. How many word processors do you need?" That's the thing. Mac users think of a computer as a letter-writing machine, or at the most, a box that can run Photoshop and go on AOL and design their Geocities webpage. They've accepted the fact that less than 50% of the good PC games and applications make their way onto a Mac port before they're already old news on the PC. Looking over the game rack in the Mac section of Comp USA is like a Golden Oldies collection. "Hey, I remember Sim City! Back in high school I used to stay up late playing it and would be late for school the next day! Wow. That takes me back." Good games NEVER come out for the Mac first. This could actually contribute to Mac users' attitude that the inability to upgrade their video card, etc. is a non-issue. "Why would i want to do that? My video card is perfectly fine. I don't see why I'd need better graphics than I have right now for years to come." Granted, the Mac user that said this was in the midst of playing "American McGee's Alice" in 2004, which was released for the PC in 2000, and they described it as the most beautiful game they had ever seen. Mac users always complain about how PC's are "too complicated" or that they "don't work properly." Is it really a marketing point that your computer is easier to use for people who are too stupid to use a PC? "Oh my GOD! It just, like, bleepy-bleepy-bleepy der-stroyed the paper I was, like, working on! And, like, it ummmm.. like, sounded, like, so good too, because I'm ummm... like, a master of, like, verbal ummmmm... skills. And like, My Dad's computer-machine-box-thingy just like... DEVOURED it. It's like uhhh ..................................................................... a bummer (Whew - for a second, I couldn't think of the right word). I mean, like... It couldn't possibly have been like, ummm because I deleted it, or like... ummmm.. I didn't save it after I made changes, or something, because uhhhhhhhhhh I'm.... umm... like smart. I'm Ellen Feiss, and I'm on Ketamine." Gee! It couldn't possibly be because the user is completely inept or that having far more configuration options would be inherently more problematic than shipping a whole computer from the factory with a "Warranty Void If This Seal Is Broken" sticker on it. Think of it as a Toyota Camry vs. a Racecar. The Camry is an all-in-one deal that is steady and reliable. A racecar is much more problematic, but much more configurable for better performance. "Windows PC's CRASH! HAHAHA!" They say it as though Macs NEVER crash or have errors. "Awwwww - it had a little boo-boo! That sucks, but I just can't stay mad at my Mac because he has that sweet little smiley face and a cute widdle turquoise case. Awwwww. Baby's so cute when he spits up!" Another amusing factor is that Mac thinks it's a selling point that their computers can EVEN run some Windows programs like Word and Excel. Mac users have also bragged to me that they can easily burn a cd in either Mac or PC format, as though it's some magical special ability, and not a NEEDED adjustment so Mac users can even joke about being compatible with the OTHER 99% of computers out there. You're PROUD because your product can (and needs to) EMULATE your competitor? "Switch to us, because we're the same!" If the greatest thing you can boast is that you can run your competition's software, isn't that the complete essence of defeat? What a great battle cry! "ME TOO!!!" It's a lot easier and requires a lot less courage and legitimate innovation than, "I'm Better." How many Mac programs are commonly used on PC's? The only one I can think of is Quicktime, and no, I don't think it's time to switch to Mac so it can run native. They want to play both sides of the coin. "We're the same! We're different!" "Think BETTER?" Nope. Just "Think Different." You should have something better to say than, "We're not like our hugely successful competitor. We're some OTHER company and our computers are DIFFERENT. And on the occasion that similarity would strengthen our marketing, we'll opt to say that we're THE SAME. Not better. Not more innovative. We're the OTHER company. Buy OUR'S because it's not THEIR'S." Mac users always joke about Microsoft's monopoly. Look in the mirror sometime. With Mac, not only do you have only one source for an OS, but you have only one source for HARDWARE. That makes Mac a far more monopolistic company than Bill Gates could ever dream of. If Bill Gates said that the only place you could buy a PC or an upgrade for one was from Microsoft, the federal government would eat him alive. That kind of monopoly has been Mac's business method since day one. With PC's you can buy from Dell, Gateway, Acer, Micron, Hewlett Packard, Compaq, Packard Bell, and a plethora of other companies, not to mention that accessories and add-ons can be bought from an even wider array of companies. If you want a Mac, you buy it from Apple, period. Apple allows no competition and no integration, and as a result, they don't ever have to improve. Their users will use Mac even when Macs are shown time and time again to be less useful than PCs. Mac users act like some sort of weird cult of scientologists. They'll defend using a Mac with the same zeal and fervor as some whacked-out doomsday cult member with nothing to back it up besides rhetoric. "SHUT UP! MAC IS BETTER!!!" "In what ways?" "Ummmmm.... I don't know... uhhh... I just LIKE it. Yessss, my Precioussssss. SHUT UP! YOU'RE STUPID! You're BILL GATES' PUPPET! (As though Mac owners are somehow not Steve Jobs' puppets) THIS LITTLE PURPLE BOX OF CIRCUITS CONTAINS THE ANSWERS TO LIFE'S MYSTERIES AND I HOLD THE KEY!!!" "That's a mouse... A transparent mouse, but a mouse nonetheless." "INFIDEL!" Just give it up, guys. Stop trying to throw benchmarks at me like I'm going to trade in my PC and it's hundreds of times more applications, games, and hardware options merely for more processor speed (if it's even applicable). The age of the Mac decisively ended with Win95. VHS was supposedly not as high quality as Betamax. Beta owners didn't try to hang on. They switched. Throw in the towel. As a side note... On my web counter, the Mac OS Slice on the pie chart got so small it disappeared, being overrun by Linux, Windows 2000 and Windows NT4.
Cardboard Milk Cartons. The instructions say, "To open, push here." What they should say is, "To open, push here. Stop pushing because you're smashing the top of the carton. Use your fingernail to try to pick the nozzle open. Tear the paper a bit and then try to resume opening the nozzle by pushing the sides in. Wait. Now you're just making it worse. Turn the carton around and attempt to open the other side. Shred the paper on the other side like you did on the first side. Squeeze the carton in anger after failing to open the other side. Wait! Stop, stupid! You're going to make it pop all over the ceiling and then you'll really be mad. Calm down. Count to ten. Light an aromatherapy candle. Think of an intelligent solution. Briefly consider eating the cereal dry. No. That's not really an option. Give up on decorum and claw your fingernails like an animal as hard as you can into the part you picked before. Tear carton open. Wipe milky fingers on pants. Smell the milk carefully since paper cartons make you leery about freshness. Pour milk from the shredded, tattered nozzle. Wipe the side of the carton and your table after the jagged, frayed edge makes the milk dribble. Do not set carton on wooden table since it's wet and will make a mark. Use remainder of milk within 6 hours regardless of refrigeration or printed expiration date, since the carton can't make a seal and the milk is constantly exposed to the open air. Buy milk in a jug next time."
"Holla, Playa, Betta, Balla, Sucka, Mothafucka, Hata, etc." Look. Stop SPELLING your fucking SPEECH IMPEDIMENT. It's not cute. Learn to say the letter R. If you're an adult, with no hearing disorders and no HARE LIP, you CAN say the fucking letter R. There are only 26 fucking letters in the English alphabet. That's few enough that you don't have the liberty to BYPASS some of them. This isn't the Kanji. It's not rocket science, or even WHEELBARROW science. If you can't speak properly, then at least stop fucking SPELLING OUT YOUR MISTAKES, because that makes me feel like you're talking like a moron on purpose and that PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF.
Online Psychologists
These guys are a dime a dozen and are the utmost pinnacle of overt pretentiousness online. "Your page is so negative! You seem to have some inferiority issues. Did your parents not give you enough praise growing up? Were you abused? Who hurt you? I can tell that you have a lot of hurt inside you." Let's put this into perspective. You read a satirical Anti-Canada page and you were perturbed enough by it to seek me out on IRC to tell me you didn't approve of it and to apply what you learned in Doctor Phil's crappy book to it, and you think it's me who has problems?
People who see you eating a candy bar and say, "Whoah! That has about a whole day's value of saturated fat and it's all empty calories and refined sugar!" Really? See, because I had no idea that chocolate was fattening when I bought it. Thanks for letting me enjoy it, Slim Goodbody. Thanks for putting pictures of your internal organs all over your leotard, so I'll have accurate aim when I reach in to tear them out. Nice honky afro, fuckface!
Movies that come out on DVD and then two months later are RE-released on DVD with improved sound, improved video, an hour of extra footage, two hours of added features, director's commentary, actors' commentaries, a hardcover book detailing everything about the making of the movie and original artists' concept sketches drawn in the book with pencil, the original negatives of the film, one Furby, a contract for you to be the lead character in the sequel, special edition steel case with laser beams, fog machine and robotic spider claw legs that will climb up your entertainment center and insert the DVD into the machine for you, and a coupon to have the entire cast give you a massage. They KNEW they were going to release the special edition when they released the crappy "movie only" version two months ago, but they didn't bother to tell you, because they KNEW you were going to end up buying them both. You just spent EIGHTY BUCKS to buy the same movie TWICE, just because of the old "BAIT AND SWITCH" routine. Am I the only person who would support a LAW against this type of consumer fleecing?
Cell phones that cost 100 bucks more because they have COLOR DISPLAYS. Wow. Just what I need to make phone calls: an animation of an aquarium. Look. As of January 2003, there is still no real video conferencing on cell phones. The closest thing you have is the ability to upload still photographs to each other IF the phone you're using, AND the other person's phone are capable, and even that costs extra on your bill. I'll buy a phone with color when it either costs the same or is needed for video phone calls. Until then, I'll laugh at people who toss cash in the fire for superfluous crap.
People at restaurants who ask the other people at their table "Should we leave a tip?" when the service was fine. First of all, it's customary to leave a tip if the service wasn't horrible. 15 to 20 percent is considered standard. Restaurants pay SHIT money to waitresses with the idea that their tips will make up the difference. If the service was bad enough to stiff on the tip, it should have been bad enough to complain to the manager. Secondly, part of leaving a tip is, of course, not looking like a cheap asshole to your fellow diners. The fact that you even ASKED if you should or should not leave a tip has already embarrassed you and made you look like a jerk, whether you're too dense to realize it or not, you stingy shit. Another pointer on tipping. If you're at a bar and you give the bartender a good tip, it does NOT mean that you OWN him. If he pours you better drinks or comps you, that's his business, but don't expect it, and DON'T demand it. Do not ask him to hook you up. Do not ask him to pour stronger drinks because, "Hey - you know - I gave you a good tip," or preemptively, "Hey, you want a good tip? Take care of me." We're in the twenty first century. We live in the richest nation in the world. Don't be a cheap asshole. Liquor costs money, but spit is free. You get what you pay for.
Retards online who send me a picture of a porn star's body (labia spread wide) with the head of Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Sandra Bullock, etc. etc. etc. superimposed on it. Actually, now that I think about it... Other things that need to be destroyed: Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Sandra Bullock, etc. etc. etc.
The way cell phones, Walkmen and PDA's are marketed as fashion accessories.
People on Bicycles. Bicyclists in cities serve two purposes: 1.) Mowing down pedestrians, and 2.) Being speed bumps for cars. If you're on foot, these guys think you're made of nerf and make no attempt to not plow you down. They whiz down crowded sidewalks and through crosswalks filled with people as though nobody like ME is going to clothesline them. NAIVE FOOLS! If you're in a car, these bastards will slow you down for blocks. They whip in and out of lanes thinking they're Kevin Bacon from "Quicksilver," with an invisible forcefield, and cause you to have to smash your brake pedal over and over to prevent you from turning them into road minestrone. "Hi! I'm saving the planet, because a bike is a legitimate vehicle for urban commuting. Aren't my pants adorable?" A bike is a TOY. The only other things traveling at 15 miles per hour in the middle of traffic are squirrels and possums, and other assorted future roadkill. ROCK. SCISSORS. PAPER. BICYCLE. FORD EXPLORER. Bicyclist plus Jeep going 50mph equals Bolognese sauce.
Regis Philbin's feigned heterosexuality.
Pathological Liars. Do you think you're impressing people with your long string of bullshit stories and fabricated accomplishments? Does the urge to impress people outweigh how much everyone is going to despise you once they figure out that you're completely full of shit? It's an eventuality that you get called on it, so why not save the effort and your reputation? The people around you don't need for you to be a Princeton grad with a house in the Hamptons to like you, and if they do, then they're shitty people and your personality doesn't have anything else to offer. You don't have to be the DJ's brother. If you say you drive a Porsche, eventually you're going to have to go "pick it up from the garage." We like a "nobody" a lot better than a nobody who lies to our faces about being some amazing, illustrious person and then gets caught. I'm no huge fan of boring people, but I fucking HATE liars.
Ozzy Osbourne and his disgusting family. Can people seriously not see what kind of joke is being played on them? MTV is saying, "Look! We can feed our viewers complete dogshit and they'll love it! Let's get some has-been rocker who's career peaked twenty years ago and his family of inbred rejects and make them into huge stars! It doesn't matter how retarded they are. The worse, the better! We'll put his freakish doughey children on display and make them into celebrities!" Fuck you people who still bring up Black Sabbath as a justification for Ozzy having the right to be as lame as he wants until he dies. That was a fucking long time ago, and the fact that you can buy ACTION FIGURES OF HIS CHILDREN instantly cancels out ANY coolness Ozzy ever had. Now he's just some sold out slurring old man with stupid kids.
People who use a cane who don't need one, wear glasses with plain glass in them, or walk with a fake limp when there's nothing wrong with their legs. Darwinism has gone all fucking wrong in the human race if you think you look COOLER by PRETENDING to have physical ailments. Here. Let me hit you a few times in the knees with a bat so you don't need to feign your limp anymore, you pretentious, fake asshole.
People who put a 2000 dollar stereo in a 900 dollar car.
Grateful Dead Heads. It's OVER. You should realize how over it is by the fact that 90% of people who own Grateful Dead T-shirts and plaster their Volkswagen Jettas with Grateful Dead stickers are FRAT BOYS. Jerry Garcia has been reduced to a flavor of ICE CREAM and a brand name of NECKTIES! Fucking NECK- TIES! NECKTIES ARE THE CORNERSTONE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS STUFFY AND SQUARE IN FASHION. You'll be the most farout guy in the CUBICLE OFFICE. CLUE! GET! IT'S OVER! NO MORE REVOLUTION HAPPENING HERE! Get a fucking life and some decent clothes!
People who censor curse words in text by replacing letters with asterisks. What's the fucking point? Anyone who's likely to be offended can easily tell what it says anyway, so how is it less offensive? Any ten-year-old knows what "F*ck you, godd*mn motherf*cking *sshole d*ckhead c*nt" means. So who are you defending?
The "Campy" Fad.
It was funny back when I would watch Evil Dead 2. When Joe Normal thinks it's funny, it's NOT FUNNY ANYMORE. "Hey look! It's Mister T! Get it? Mister T! HAHAHAHA! See - it's funny because he's some washed up joke of a celebrity from the 80's and he sucks! HAHAHAHA" Yes. I know that Carrot Top sucks. That doesn't make him "hip" and "out of left field." Gary Coleman, Morgan Fairchild, Pauly Shore, and Erik Estrada ALL SUCK. It's NOT FUNNY ANYMORE. Let me explain a very basic principle. For something "Campy" to be cool, the Normals can't "get it." As soon as they get it, it's not campy anymore, and hence, NOT FUNNY OR IRONIC. I don't care if you get John Waters to direct Bruce Campbell, Richard Roundtree, and Tony Bennett. You're NEVER going to make Sprint Long Distance hip, punchy and off-the-cuff. If Jerry Falwell suddenly thought The Simpsons was a great show, it would somehow cease to be one. I'm not just saying this to be snobby. I'm just saying that a bunch of Advertising Research guys are not going to bounce something off a focus group and come up with something campy. They're following a formula and it doesn't taste like "The Original Recipe" to me. GET IT? It's A KFC reference and it's funny because it's chicken! Get it? Chicken! Assholes. Fuck off and just make your bullshit "Friends" sitcoms and wear your fucking Gap Khakis.
Human Sexuality Bullshit
Some Women's
feigned ignorance about Male sexuality.
"I don't understand why guys like breasts.
I mean, they're just breasts."
"So if it's no big deal, why don't
you take off your shirt."
"NO WAY!!!"
Some Men's
REAL ignorance about Women's sexuality.
"So like- I take her to da car, and
uhh... I squeeze da bOObies. Then I maked hur suck muh dick. She gagged cuz
I pushed on hur head too much, but I cud tell she liked-ed it. Duhhhhh...
Then I fucked 'er. I cud tell she liked it cuz she laid there all still and
quiet 'til I was done. But now I'm confused cuz I asked her to call me and
she said, 'Ok,' but she ain't called me. Uhhh... She must just be a dumb bitch.
Uhhm... She had nice bOObies, though." (Drool)
You morons just make me hang my head
in shame of owning testicles.
Retarded asshole guys who hit on roughly 90% of all women they see.
Anyone over the age of twelve who refers to having sex as, "Doing it."
People who give head as if they're really grossed out and are just doing you a favor. Guess what. Don't like sex and all it entails? Fine. Then go fuck Mister Hand for the rest of your life and stop wasting people's time. And yes, HEAD IS A PERFECTLY REASONABLE EXPECTATION. Girls, when was the last time you met a guy who was like "Eww. You want me to suck your breasts? Umm... I feel uncomfortable doing that. We can do other stuff though right? Finger you? Like, put my hand ON your vagina? What kind of guy do you think I am?" SAME FUCKING THING! It works the same for men and women, by the way. The way I see it, if you don't give head, you don't deserve sex.
Guys who think that wearing expensive clothing is a foolproof guaranteed way to get laid despite the fact that they're stupid and have all the personality of cold oatmeal.
Girls who fuck guys because they wear expensive clothes despite the fact that they're stupid and have all the personality of cold oatmeal.
Women who have watched WAAAAAAAAAY too many daytime talk shows like Doctor Phil and have read too many women's magazines, who can't just take things as they come and ENJOY being with someone, but instead agonize constantly about the quality of the relationship and treat the details of the relationship like a shopping list, continually pestering their boyfriends with, "What are your long term plans? What do you think about US? Is our relationship going anywhere? I want to hear what your feelings about our relationship are. Do you think I'm attractive? How do you feel about me? Do I fulfill your needs? Do you want to hear about my relationship needs? What do you get from our relationship? What are our relationship goals? Do you think we'd make good parents? How long do you think we should wait before we consider having children? Does our relationship have direction? Where do you see us in ten years? Are you listening to me? We need to work on communication." Then when the guy has second thoughts about dealing with her constant neurosis and doesn't feel like coddling her insecurity for the rest of his life and escapes, she writes it off as his problem and tells all her friends that he had a "fear of commitment." At this point there's generally hugging and ice cream and someone pops in a dvd of Steel Magnolias, Thelma and Louise or Boys on the Side. Look. A relationship is not a fucking Twelve Step Program, so don't treat it like one.
"Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh! You should swallow my CUM because it's got uhhhh.. PROTEIN in it! Duhhhhhhh Huh-Huh-Huh-Huh!" Yeah. Ebola Virus is also loaded with protein. Have a big gooey glob of that, retard.
Attractive girls who think that there's no reason why they should ever work or pay for anything because eventually they'll get some dumb loser guy to buy everything for them anyway.
Attractive girls who think that guys should put up with their bullshit regardless of how far off the "insane asshole" chart it flies.
Girls who stick with guys who are complete assholes thinking it's something that will eventually go away. "Well, he doesn't hit me very often and I know he cheated on me with at least four girls in the last two years, but he said he didn't love them... so I'll get over it. He really is a great guy deep down."
Hyper-Machismo.
What the fuck is this bullshit where
some Double-Y Chromosome Trolls on the train stare at me up and down, sizing
me up as I get on and sit down? Yeah, I know that a guy in a business suit,
tapping on a PDA seems like a real threat to your position as Alpha-Male.
Then when a girl gets on the train we get to see a different, but no less
adversarial stance...
"Yo! Hey, girl! Hey! Damn, girl! You
be lookin' FIIIIINE! Yo! Why you givin' me that look? I was just tellin' you
that you look good. You could at least say hello! I won't bite! Yo! Hey! Hey,
girl! FUCK YOU THEN!! Fuckin' bitch."
And then you wonder why girls around
you seem to be on the defensive? Am I a feminist? No. I'm a human. Grow the
fuck up, fucking knuckle-dragging cave-boy.
Poofy Pubes
on Girls.
Look. The world has changed a lot since
1974, and it's time to shave
that pile off. New regulations approved by the UN, entitled the "Negativepositive
Initiative" allow for hair on the head, eyelashes, and eyebrows (some restrictions
apply on eyebrows). Let's face it, ladies. A run on the beach is a lot more
fun than pushing through dense jungle undergrowth. I'll stay down there all
day if I'm not contending with a big tangled Brillo pad.
Gorgeous
Girls Who Think They're Ugly, Or Pretend To So They Can Fish For Compliments.
"Oh my GOD! I must be pushing
115, and a few days ago I had a ZIT! I'm such a bloated disgusting skank!
Yeah, I know that lots of guys look at me. They MUST be looking at what a
freakish MESS of zits and lard I am." Shut UP!
Men and Women who think their crotch is kept clean naturally by some magical earth fairy that sprinkles stardust on it as they sleep, and that no attention needs to be paid to keep their gooey cheese-twat or corpse-sausage from smelling like a garbage truck on a summer day. Look. WASH! I don't know why this concept has slipped past so many adults. Lots of adults have been there: you're about to go down on someone when you notice a strong waft of ripe gorgonzola, or the scent of a dead woodchuck bloating in the sun on the shoulder of I-75. The person, of course, still fully expects you to dive down and go to town. Fuck that. Maybe nobody showed you how to keep clean. So what? Common sense should let you know that if you can smell a garbage can of salmon that was left sealed in the sun for a week, as soon as you take off your pants, that something isn't right. If you subscribe to some religion that says it's a sin to touch your genitals even to wash them, you're too stupid to deserve to ever have sexual contact from anyone anyway... period.
Guys Who
Think They're Adonises.
Yes. We know you paid 200 bucks for
your shirt. You told us three times already. Oh... you fucked THAT girl? Hooray
for you. Must have been the shirt, because it couldn't have been your personality.
Oh.. You got her to do that? Put it on your resumé.
People who
can't conceptualize the possibility that some things they might do in bed
are less than amazing.
Stop bragging. Start listening. Start learning. Confidence is great, but sex
is not a one person show... or it might be in some cases... but it shouldn't
be if you have a partner.
People who claim to be searching for a soulmate with a good heart and a decent personality, yet continually date very attractive narcissistic assholes, simply for the fact that they're attractive, and get their hearts torn out again and again, yet they never give anyone of average or below average physical attractiveness the time of day.
"Born Again Virgins" (Their term. Not mine)These are people who have had sex in the past who have made a religious commitment to not have sex again until marriage. So you're a virgin again because you said so? Maybe Jesus thinks your vaginal walls are tight and chaste and constricted, but anyone can tell you've had a car in the garage from the oil on the floor, and no amount of Holy Kitty Litter is going to soak it all up.
Girls with
Mustaches, Sideburns and other MAN HAIR.
Welcome to the modern age of hair removal.
No excuse is good enough, and no matter how nice of a figure you have, a mustache
or beard cancels any and all femininity you possess. If you have a dark mustache
or a monobrow, you may as well look like Ed Asner. What's your excuse? I don't
have a mustache and I'm a GUY! I see it all the time. A girl will have beautiful,
well tended hair, a nice figure, smooth hands with attractively manicured
nails, cute clothes.... AND THEN IT'S ALL CANCELED OUT BY HER FUZZY MONKEYMAN-LIP!
There's a whole shopping list of things you can do about it. Should I even
have to mention Legs and Armpits? NO! NO! NO! NO! NOT OPTIONAL! This girl
was on the train the other day. She was about 17 or 18 and would have been
attractive.... EXCEPT SHE HAD MORE THICK JET-BLACK HAIR ON HER ARMS AND SHOULDERS
THAN I HAVE ON MY LEGS. Look. It's BAD, ok? If a baby monkey clinging to your
back would not look out of place... IT'S TIME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Skin
is sexy! CHAKA FROM "LAND OF THE
LOST" IS NOT!
Girls Who
Think That There's Some Lengthy Specified Waiting Period That Must Pass Before
They Put Out.
This is not High School. If Jesus says you have to wait, then you can just
go ahead and hit the road. I date women, not mindless slaves. Am I saying
you should fuck everything that moves? No. Learn to read. If you think the
guy's not going to respect you, then you're already hooked up with the wrong
guy because the doubt is already in the forefront of your thinking. Fact:
Relationships fail. They REALLY fail if you've already decided that they'll
fail. If you make sex into some big, scary turning point, that's what it always
will be in your mind, and it will disappoint you when you pass it. All those
"I'm happy we waited" people are only happy because they're finally
fucking. If they had waited a week, they'd be just as happy and just as filled
up with dopamine, endorphins and oxytocin, although less apt to be preachy
and annoying about it. No sex until marriage? Look. A piece of ass is not
worth half of my stuff, and once again, if you're pleasing "the lord"
by waiting until marriage, go ahead and voice it early so I can get back to
shopping around. "I'm worth waiting for." Yeah? Well I'm worth keeping
interested.
Pretentious PETA-types that call a pet a "Companion Animal." Look. I'm not a companion to a freeloader. If I bought every bite of food that you ever ate in your lifetime, paid to house you, paid for all your medical bills and cleaned up your shit, even YOU would be my fucking PET. SIT! STAY! I BUY YOUR FOOD! A cat is a PET! A dog is a PET! A hot girl with a high sex drive is a COMPANION ANIMAL!
"Gawd, like.. Hel-LO! I mean, like, how could he think that? Like.. Hel-LO!" Here - take this 12 gauge and blow your brains out. Good-BYE! Like.. Good-BYE!
Newbies who think that the only reason that people exist on the internet is to give them constant tech support. Sure. Everyone was new at one time, but these guys are too fucking lazy to tinker with something for five minutes, read a help file, read a FAQ, or hit an internet search engine. On IRC I constantly get hit by these guys. "Hi - can I ask you a question? Where can I get mp3's?" (Five minutes later) "Hey - what program do I use to open mp3's?" (Five minutes later) "I couldn't get that file to open. The extension was .zip and I changed it to .exe but it still won't open." "What's the time zone in Vancouver?" "I'm in Virginia, so if it's 8pm here, what is it there?" "What's the zip code for Columbus Ohio?" "Why do people keep making fun of me for being on AOL?" "Really? What service should I get?" "What's their webpage?" "Oh, so you think I should just stay on AOL? Uhh.. OK... Thanks for your help."
"Pretty Boys" who spend 4 hours preening themselves to go to a nightclub, then stand right in the middle of the crowded dance floor like they're made of wood. "Mustn't sweat! Might Ruin 300 Dollar Shirt! Grunt!" Then when someone is dancing and bumps them they scowl and yell, "EXCUSE ME!!!!"
People who put their webpage on 72 different webrings that don't really have anything to do with their content. When I put my Anti-Canada page on the "Canada Sucks" webring, I had no idea that I was also inadvertently associating myself with "The KITTIES Webring" or "The Franken-food Webring." I went to one of the sites and all it seems to be is "Welcome to my page" and then a shitload of webrings. WHY?? What's the fucking point? If you have NO CONTENT, how are you CONTRIBUTING to the webring?
People who apply imagined spiritual significance to naturally occurring events. Your period is not "Gaia the Earth Goddess cleansing your Spirit Mana Energy Wheel." Your body is purging a bloody sludge of waste placental lining. Hey, the truth isn't always worthy of putting on a Hallmark Greeting Card.
Those stupid slide shows that they show in theatres before the movie starts. If you're waiting to see the movie for ten minutes, you'll see the same slides THREE or FOUR TIMES. They always have the same shit. A.) One for real estate which features a picture of an apartment complex and an inset of a woman with horrendous poofy blonde hair happily answering phone calls in front of a computer, B.) The "Don't liter / smoke / use cell phones / masturbate" notice that everyone has seen at every movie they've ever seen. This is to confirm that this is NOT the one theatre in the universe who is happy to let you bound around the seats banging on things and screaming like howler monkeys. Basically, if you're a person who NEEDS TO BE TOLD, you're probably going to do it anyway. C.) Incredibly difficult movie trivia with questions like: "Unscramble the letters to this feel-good 80's sci-fi hit about an alien that's stuck on earth! TE" HAVE A COKE! (Image of sweating coke cup with coke sloshing out) "What movie did this quote come from? "Help me, Obi-Wan! You're my only hope!" COKE IS REFRESHING! (Image of sweating coke cup with coke sloshing out) "Who starred in The Terminator? a. Shelley Duvall, b. Marlon Wayans, or c. Arnold Scharzeneggar" WOW! I SURE WOULD LOVE A NICE COLD COKE! (Image of sweating coke cup with coke sloshing out) "Name this Jim Carrey movie!" (Image of Jim Carrey wearing a big neon green mask from The Mask) At this point there's another coke ad, but I'm not going to bother to say the slogan since the slides have already rotated back to the first coke ad.
The "Leading Brand." Why is it that commercials always compare their product to some fictitious "Leading Brand" that sucks beyond belief? "Our ketchup doesn't run through this coffee filter the way The Leading Brand does!" (pours a quart of tomato soup through the coffee filter) "Our floor cleaner cuts through dirt and grime much better than The Leading Brand!" (time lapse scene of the advertised brand cleaning a strip of linoleum floor to a whiteness and shine to rival Miss America's teeth while The Leading Brand, which looks suspiciously like a bottle of Pine-Sol craftily disguised by a white label that says "The Leading Brand," cleans the flooring as well as washing it with MORE DIRT would) And the last time I checked, baby urine and menstrual blood looked nothing like blue water. Ummm... Yes. I check those things. So if "The Leading Brand" is so obviously a grossly inferior product, then why is it LEADING the industry? Oh shit. AOL just completely ruined my whole point. Nevermind.
Theatrical Guitar Players. Be sure to make that pain/orgasm wince so we know how much you FEEL those high notes.
Wynonna Ryder shoplifted saying she was "doing research for a role." Big deal, right? She stole 5000 dollars worth of clothes from Saks Fifth Avenue. Awww Poor Baby! Why are they persecuting her for only pinching such an insignificant amount as.... HEY, WAIT A SECOND! FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS? HANG THAT BITCH! "Free Wynonna?" No, FUCK Wynonna. Why should some overprivelidged bitch, who could have easily paid for those clothes, get away with bullshit that would put an average person behind bars without question? Because she has fans? Who cares! It's not like she's poor, and it's truly not like she (or anyone else) NEEDS high-fashion couture shit from Saks Fifth avenue. Ffffff! Fuck - she should go to prison for life just for making Mister Deeds.
Soap Opera News Magazines. This fucks me up in so many ways I think I need to go lie down for a bit. "Oh damn. I missed an episode of a show with a completely stupid and predictable plot that drags on for weeks, and (GASP) I forgot to TAPE it. I better go out and spend money on a magazine that tells me what happened, because THAT'S IMPORTANT! I might even get an inside scoop on some moronic, predictable dogshit that's coming up!"
Fat nerds who grow Goatees and think they look hip.
The 7849 bands out there that sound exactly like Alice In Chains. Yeah, yeah. List Led Zeppelin among your influences. Very original. We know what you're all about.
People who have a section of their page dedicated to all the awards they've won. "Best Mister Spock Page." "Top 20 Pogs Site." "Best Nintendo Virtual Boy Page of the Week." "Duke Nukem 3D Fan Fiction Site of the Day." Oh! The Prestige!
Story Jokes. You know the ones. "...So then the salesman goes to the fourth house and a lady answers the door and says, 'I'll buy your stuff but only if you eat my pussy.' The salesman says, 'Wow! You're the fourth one today.' So he eats her pussy and sells his stuff. Then he goes to the fifth house and a lady answers the door and says 'I'll buy your stuff but only if you eat my pussy.' and he's like, 'Wow! You're the fifth one today.' So he eats her pussy and sells his stuff. Then he goes to the SIXTH house and a lady answers the door and says..." BULLSHIT. They all have WAAAAYY too much exposition and some completely retarded premise that requires a 'suspension of disbelief' that would make Alice in Wonderland seem very down-to-earth and reasonable. They're also always 'Hee-yuck Hee-yuck' simpleton humor. And the worst part is, the payoff is NEVER worth the wait. Every time I hear one of these idiotic jokes, I feel like saying, "I stood here listening to you for the last five minutes for THAT??" These stupid things keep turning up in my email too, always forwarded to 100 people. How do you think spammers compile lists of email addresses?
People who actually bother to use coins to pay for things. "Three dollars and sixty seven cents? Hmm... Don't wanna break this five. Here's two ones, a dime.... hang on... here's a quarter.... and a penny... and uhh.... here's five more pennies.... and another dime... OHH! I found another dime and three nickels. Can I have that quarter back?" Coins are only good for one thing: saving in a jar until you have a couple hundred bucks worth to put through one of those Coinstar machines so you can get it changed into REAL MONEY. After waiting behind you while you pick through your coins, I feel like shoving YOU through a Coinstar machine to see how much you're worth. The pelvis is always the hardest part to cram through that little slot, but where there's a will, there's a way... and believe me, there's a will.
The Import Section of Most Chain Music Stores. Wow! This foreign music is so exotic! Madonna, Jay Z, Eric Clapton... Such a diverse range of cultures! This Pearl Jam album, "Ten," looks a lot like the American version. The cover art's the same. The track listing... I wonder what's different. OHHH!! This one costs 35 bucks! This Janet Jackson (I THINK that's how you pronounce it) must be some sort of Kabuki Theatre music. Look at the Japanese text on the insert.
People who put things like "This page best viewed with Internet Explorer at 1280x1024 or higher in 32bit color" on their webpages. Do you think that someone running Netscape at 640x480 8bit color is going to change it just for you? Do you think they even know how?
Nothing says "classy" like an airbrushed t-shirt or license plate. Klassy with a Kapital K.
"Baby on Board" signs. Do you really want me to AIM for you? The fact that you have a brat in the car might make YOU want to drive more safely, but should the fact that you have working reproductive organs alter the way I drive? "Duhhh gee - I felt like causing a wreck, but now I changed my mind because that car has a little yellow sign in the window." Sound stupid? Well that's what the message of your preachy little sign is, so look how retarded you are for having it.
Guys on IRC, AIM or Yahoo who have "Angel" in their nickname. Why not have "Jenny," or "Barbie," or "Little-Miss-Priss-O-Licious?" You may as well.
The Dumb Things People Say To Me Online Regarding My IRC Nick. I've heard them all about a million times, and you are NOT as clever or witty as you would like to think, so just fucking save the goddamn keystrokes, you bromidic meat-tards.
"So which
are you? Negative or Positive?"
"Are you a Battery?"
"Are you Bisexual?"
"Hi Neutral."
"Hi Zero."
"Are you Pregnant?"
"You should stop being so Negative.
You should be more Positive."
"You should change your name to just
negative."
"More like negativenegative."
"Are you HIV Positive?"
"In Between?"
"ý am posýtýve?"
And the ever-popular "WAT IS ARE BE
MEANING OF NEGATIV AND POSITIV IN NICK PLZZZ! R U GRL? HI HUNY!"
David Copperfield.
Write your own reason. He just needs to vanish and stay vanished.
Any twink who
ever felt a sense of pride and victory in correcting someone for saying "Throwing
Star" instead of "Shuriken" or "Num Chucks" instead of "Nunchaku." Look. Having
watched all of the "American Ninja" movies does NOT NOT NOT make you even the
slightest bit cool. In fact,
much to the contrary.
Guys who have practiced
their fake walk and their fake laugh for so long that they can't remember what
their real ones were like.
Any Subhuman Cretin
that that thinks Professional Wrestling is Good, Kinda OK, Funny, Interesting,
Worth a Laugh, Totally Awesome, Good for Killing Time, Not THAT Bad, "Kick Ass,"
or Fun to Watch on any level. Where has our culture gone that we'll sit and
watch a bunch of rednecks FAKE fighting? How can you fucking watch a Fake Sport
knowing full-well that it's fake? The next person I hear who says "I like it
because it's drama - like a Soap Opera" is going to get a REAL punch in the
head. It's GOOD because it's like a Soap Opera? Soap Operas....The LOWEST
COMMON DENOMINATOR on TV. That's a whole new can of worms.... READ ON.
SOAP OPERAS.
"But Mindy, I would never bang Tracey. Mindy, if Steve told you that I wanted
to bang Tracey, then it's obvious that Jade put him up to it." "I don't know,
Dave. What would Jade's connection to Steve be? Could they be after Duke's oil
fortune? Dave, we'd better warn Duke, because if Steve and Jade get his oil
fortune, he won't be able to afford Sarah's operation."
WHO THE FUCK TALKS LIKE THIS??? Soap
Opreas are the absolute WORST SHIT on TV. Unrealistic sets, plastic cookie-cutter
characters, insipid bullshit dialogue, horrific lighting, and completely retarded
plotlines all add up to something that would only be suitable for a lobotomy
patient to enjoy. What other genre of entertainment could possibly cater to
such stupid people that they could BRING BACK a character that was DEAD and
the audience doesn't feel insulted enough to turn the channel? "Hello. I'm not
dead anymore." Shit like that would make the writers of The Teletubbies scoff.
Feminists who can think of no better way to celebrate being a woman than becoming
as much like a man as possible.
People
who think they're enlightened because they own a candle that's shaped like Bhudda.
Pretentious
twits who feel superior when they use an "advanced vocab" word incorrectly,
misspell it or mispronounce it. "If you take me for a masTochist, you're obviously
egregious (pronounced ee-gree-GEE-ous)." (Snotty elitist smirk of superiority)
People
who give their two year old a mullet. Child abuse!
"Huh-huh-huh-huh.
Bill Gates! Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh.... He Sucks! Huh-huh-huh-huh." Shut up,
NERD. Yeah, you're LEET. And you're "TO" lame to read the BitchX
Doc.
Guys like Eminem and Marylin Manson who wave the flag of fake controversy. "They
want to censor me but they can't!" Look... If the FCC gave a rat's ass about
you or considered you even the slightest threat, there's no way in hell that
you'd be enjoying mainstream success and massive backing from record stores,
radio stations and MTV. All of you little TRL Carson Daly Puppets who think
that these guys are breaking new ground are sadly deluded. Your parents don't
hate Marylin Manson because he's "evil." They hate him because he reminds them
of how embarrassed they were when they finally realized how cheesy KISS was.
People
who don't understand why my page doesn't work well on Netscape 1.7 and suggest
that I fix it.
"Singers"
like Celine Dion and Whitney Houston who don't know how to sing a song without
yelling through the whole thing. Their stupid Fan-Droids then go, "Oh my
gawd! Her voice is just so POWERFUL!" Yeah - too bad it's not SINGING.
Oh yeah, it's powerful - in the same way that your average Death Metal vocalist
is powerful, but in the same way it's also DOGSHIT.
NASCAR...
You want me to elaborate? C'mon, I give my readers more credit than that. "Here
they come.... Here they come... Here they come... VRRRROOOOOOOOMMM There they
go.... There they go... Oh.. Here they come... Here they come..." WOW!
Can't you feel the adrenaline pumping? Sure you can, thanks to the meth lab
in your backwater shed, you fucking redneck.
Celebrities
who go to awards ceremonies to voice their political agendas. "You should care
what I think, because I'm famous."
I thought
Spanish music was the worst thing imaginable, until I heard Spanish Rap Music.
The doctors say they might be able to fix my ears, but the damage done to my
mind is profound.
People
who see me reading "The Lord of the Rings" and ask, "Hey, is that based on the
movie?" No, seriously... This has happened.
People
who make a lifestyle out of finding things to be offended by, and think that
every waking moment is an opportunity to crusade against the evils committed
by every living human every minute of every day. They've made it their religion
to know what socioeconomic injustices are committed by any given product and
they don't hesitate to rattle them off, regardless of how silly and preachy
they sound. "Don't you know that the zinc in that toothpaste was mined
in South Africa? Don't you EVEN CARE??" "Nice jeans! I wonder if the
Indonesian children who made them think you look cool." "I can't believe
you're going to actually EAT that hamburger. Don't you know they cut down the
rainforests to make room for cattle farms? Don't you know what that stuff does
to your body? Eating meat is KILLING. Don't you feel like you're depriving that
poor cow of its right to exist? Don't you realize that you're eating meat from
a cow that eats enough grain to feed a whole village of starving one legged
children? ..... And the children are blind too! Don't you care about the children?
Do you know how poorly they treat those poor cows? Don't you think the cow has
FEELINGS? How would YOU like to be treated that way? HUH?? HUHH????" I
don't care if it's fiberglass insulation made by the bleeding hands of 8 year
old Malaysians. With every syllable that pours from your mouth, it becomes more
and more delicious. "That shampoo was tested on animals!" Really?
GOOD! I'd rather have it tested on animals than tested on ME after I buy it
and get golf ball sized pus blisters all over my scalp because nobody wanted
to hurt the poor, poor wittle bunny wabbit.
Guys
who spit like it's their hobby. Be sure to make that fucking awful throat noise
too. That way we know you're a REAL MAN. Tonight I was on the subway across from this fucking guy who sat and spat on the floor in front of his feet. By the time he got off, he had covered an area the size of a dinner plate with thick, bubbly mucus. CLASSY WITH A CAPITAL ASSY.
The way Americans
lower the bar for everything they aren't good at so "crappy" becomes "average."
Our kids fail at standardized testing? That's obviously because the tests are
racist or sexist or the testing process is somehow unfair. Eighty percent of
Americans are overweight? Well then, eighty percent is a majority so that means
that 200 pounds for someone 5'4" is normal . Surely it doesn't indicate
that the average American leads an unhealthy lifestyle. It just means that everyone
in the rest of the world is skinny and is probably jealous because America is
the best country in the world. Now shut up and stop trying to make me feel bad.
Can't you see I'm trying to watch Rikki Lake? (Cheeto residue stuck to corners
of mouth)
Stars who claim to
be normal, down to earth people. Let's get this straight... You just dropped
600 bucks on a light lunch at Nobu with Calvin Klein and you think that's NORMAL?
"Well... My live-in chef was out today, and I had to eat SOMEthing. Besides,
I was in a hurry to fly down to Hilton Head to catch a round of golf with Michael
Jordan before I have to go to that photo-shoot in Milan tomorrow. But when I'm
not doing that, I like to kick back in my private screening room with some beluga
on blinis just like an Average Joe."
People who still try
to talk to me about sports when I make it obvious beyond any doubt that I hate
sports. "Hey! I went to the dentist today and he found a cavity. So thennn
he gets out this big syringe. I mean that sucker was fucking HUGE! And then
he jams it way down in the joint of my mandible. I thought he was NEVER gonna
stop pushing that thing down there. I swear he must have been between the bones
because I could feel my jaw swell and seize up. It was AWESOME!!! Then he started
drilling and my whole skull was vibrating and the nails-on-chalkboard sound
was making my spine tense up and that little suction thingy was going CRAZY!!!
DUDE! I can't wait until next time! It fuckin' ROCKED!" See how I feel,
assholes?
Those window washer
bastards that assault you as you pull off the freeway into The Bronx. If anyone
knows how I could wire up the exterior of my car to electrify it like a tesla
coil, I'd pay handsomely for the installation.
CD's that have amazing
cover art that contain music that sounds like the same old homogenized dogshit.
Yes, Stabbing Westward. I'm talking to you.
People who continually
rattle on and on, commenting on EVERYTHING just to hear the vibration coming
out of their flapping noise cannon. "Oh man, I gotta get me some of those
shoes. Damn, that girl looks good. That sandwich looks tasty. I need to go to
the mall. That shirt is ugly. They want me to pay for extra cheese when they
only give me a little bit? Pfft. Yo! Quit being stingy with the cheese! Got
nasty shoes anyways." Stop externalizing your internal conversation. Who
the fuck is the show for? Nobody's impressed by it, so why don't you just shut
the fuck up? When they said "All the world's a stage," they didn't
mean for you to HAM up your role.
"Hidden" Tracks on
CD's. Ooooohhh... The last song is over, but the counter has been scrolling
along silently for ten minutes. I wonder if maybe there's something else
coming. Seriously guys. It was cool the first time it happened to me, oh, around
'93. But now you're just messing up the continuous play on my CD changer. The
gimmick is over. Let it go.
The overt unapologetic racism in rap music. When a white rapper like Eminem or Vanilla Ice gains acceptance, the immediate response is, "Wow! He can rap even though he's white," as though it's a well known FACT that only blacks possess the skill and imagination required to make words rhyme with each other to sufficiently express and exaggerate the rapper's penis size, bank account, and fear that he instills in his enemies. Rappers of ethnicities other than black have these abilities just as naturally as black rappers do. The only ability they don't possess naturally is the ability to be accepted by the majority of rap fans regardless of the amount of melanin in their skin. In response to your reaction to me using Vanilla Ice to illustrate my point: You didn't always think he was corny. "Ice Ice Baby" broke records for sales of rap music worldwide. Now you snicker about how corny he was. And he WAS corny. But you're just scapegoating someone for exhibiting all the same traits that rappers celebrate, regardless of ethnicity: Ego, Bragging, Sampling, Melodrama, and Outlandish Fashion. If Vanilla Ice is cheesy, it's not the fault of his skin color. It's the fault of All Rap Music for being just as fucking cheesy for the exact same reasons. He was following an existing model. Give it time. Right now Eminem is regarded as "the white rapper who can actually rap and not suck." Down the road he'll become Vanilla Ice the Sequel.
People online who spam me in Turkish or Indian or some other language for which I don't even have the font support. Let's get this straight... you came into an American IRC Channel and spammed us using a language that .00001% of our population speaks? What's the point? You think we're all going to run out and take language classes, download all the fonts and language support we need so we can read your ad for "HOTTTTT SEXXXXXY TEEEENZZZ??"
Those freaks in NYC electronics stores who can actually tell you with a straight face that a Sony CD walkman retails for $299.00 and if you want to get the crappy little treble-only earbud headphones (That ARE NORMALLY INCLUDED in the retail package, but are REMOVED by these hustlers) it's another $45.00. "Friend! Come back, Friend! I give good price!"
People who feed pigeons. Pigeons are VERMIN. Vermin plus Food equals MORE VERMIN!
Movie reviewers who describe every decent Foreign or Independent movie as "Delicious." You know what's delicious? FOOD, you pretentious asshole. If you're going to try and sound artsy by using the word "delicious," go review some restaurants, but don't call the food "Spellbinding" or "Captivating" or I'll kill you.
The GI Joe Cartoon. Here you have an elite military force with the world's most advanced weaponry, and they NEVER fucking USE IT! If I were being shot at by 20 Cobra soldiers, and I had a rapid fire rifle in my hands that could blow 12 inch holes in a 2 inch thick solid steel manhole cover, you can bet that I'm not going to fucking PUNCH anyone.
People who use Upbringing as an excuse for stupidity. Every time I hear someone say "Well... It's how he was brought up," it's Invariably used to justify some behavior that is blatantly idiotic and inappropriate. Stop giving these degenerates the "Get Out of Jail Free" card. By the time someone is an adult, it's time for them to take responsibility for their own bad behavior. I've heard this flimsy excuse used to justify everything from poor table manners to racism to domestic violence. Beat your girlfriend? You're not a victim. You're an ASSHOLE. Claim that at age 25 you don't know any better? You've been upgraded to "STUPID Asshole." Got an uncontrollable temper? I'm tired of hearing about your "Bad Daddy." You're just too stupid to seek counseling and I'm not here to provide it for free. Your parents may have left some gaps in your social skills, but that's not a license to do whatever the fuck you want. Your parents are DONE raising you. Wipe your own ass for a change. That's what being an adult is about; making decisions and taking responsibility for them. It's a shame that none of these "Lousy Parents" taught you to put a gun in your mouth and spare us your bullshit. And to all you empowerers... Stop making excuses for these fuckstains and start holding them accountable. Your acceptance and forgiveness are part of why these idiots feel comfortable acting like spoiled 4 year olds.
Why is it that electronic devices come packed with SO MUCH bullshit? When I buy a four ounce cell phone, it comes packed in a box, in a twist-tied plastic bag, with a charger in a twist-tied plastic bag, wedges of cardboard, 14 pieces of interlocking styrofoam, a quick start guide, a quick start guide in French, a quick start guide in German, a quick start guide in Spanish, an owner's manual in 5 different languages... in a twist-tied plastic bag, a warranty card, a UL safety information sheet, an FCC compliance information sheet, a list of carriers, a credit card sized quick reference guide, a half a pound of wheat, a 'Welcome to Sprint' guide, coupons for phone accessories, a catalogue of accessories, one lawn gnome, a form to apply for an extended warranty, and a partridge in a pear tree. "Here's your cell phone sir. Did you bring a pushcart, or would you like some help carrying it out?" I just kept the phone and the charger. I gave all the rest of the stuff to a homeless man and he was able to construct a small shelter and still had enough left over to fuel a fire that kept him warm through most of the winter.
Online greeting cards. Awww - I'm so touched. I feel so warm inside knowing that you filled out a little form and gave my email address to a total stranger. Ever consider why it's free? Today I had 87 junk emails. I love you too.
The "Holiday Tree" in Times Square. People are so fucking scared of offending someone. It's a goddamn Christmas Tree! I'm not even a Christian, but that's some pitiful bullshit. When Jews start calling a Menorah a "Holiday Candelabra" we'll talk.
People who use "because it's natural" as an excuse for everything. "I smoke pot because it's natural. It's not a drug because it comes from nature. I don't shave my legs or armpits because body hair is natural. I don't use deodorant because body odor is natural." Oh yeah? You know what else is natural? Arsenic. Cyanide. Strychnine. Unknown expiration dates on everything you eat. Wiping your ass with your hand. YIPPEE FOR NATURE!
Fat People who get aggravated and act like you're in their way when they can't get around you in a crowded space. You know what's blocking your way? The Seventy Five Pounds of undigested White Castle Burgers in your Colon! Look. I didn't eat all those King Dons FOR you, so stop huffing and puffing at me. Yes, this subway bench is crowded, but unlike you, I'm only taking up ONE seat. YOU'RE the one making it crowded. If you don't like it, fuck off and hit the Stairmaster, Bluto.
People who walk forward through a crowd, bumping into people while looking over their shoulders. No, there's nothing coming up behind you. What you SHOULD be paying attention to is me standing here completely still, a couple of yards in front of you with this screwdriver lined up perfectly with your ear canal.
Computer software that comes packed in a little white paper envelope inside the box. Wow! I sure am glad I decided to respect your intellectual property by giving you fifty bucks or more for something I could have downloaded for free, when my reward is that you're too fucking cheap to give me a two cent jewelcase. Bravo!
Spanish Television. Spanish TV seems to consist primarily of four things: Horrible Comedy Shows, Horrible Jerry Springer Type Shows, Horrible Soap Operas and Horrible American Movies like Robocop 2, I come in Peace, Tremors 3 and every movie Chuck Norris has ever made that have been overdubbed... Horribly. Soap operas and talk shows are hardly worth mentioning, since their American counterparts are hideous to begin with, and the Spanish shows are exponentially worse. Most of the comedy shows seem to be shot on live stages with sets that make The Bozo Show look like The Last Emperor. They always feature lots of highbrow, intellectual humor like: "That woman has exceptionally large breasts!" "That guy is hiding the other guy's soccer ball down the back of his pants!" "It's a man with a big mustache in a dress! HAHAHAHA! Get it? See.. It's actually a MAN but he's wearing a DRESS!! HAHAH!" And, of course, there's the ever-popular, "Man hiding the soccer ball down the back of his dress from the woman with exceptionally large breasts."
WWJD.
There is this cheesy christian evangelistic thing, where people wear these little woven bracelets that have the letters WWJD on them. For those who are fortunate enough to be out of the loop, I'll explain. This is a sort of goofy marketing ploy to give x-tians the opportunity to talk to people about Jesus (great- just what I needed). Someone goes up to the christian and asks what the WWJD stands for, and they take the bracelet off and say, "It stands for 'What would Jesus do?' Well Jesus, being the trendy Anglo Saxon that he was, would GIVE you the cheesy little bracelet. Would you like some brochures, or could I be a witness to your conversion, now that you've been overwhelmed by this deep and powerful display of god's love in the form of a cheap trinket?" I've found that you can amass a rather large collection of these. Just go up to them and say, "Hey, what's that?" and they just give them to you. I figure I would have about a dozen of them if I didn't keep throwing them away. Fuck what Jesus would do. Ask yourself, "What Would YOU Do?". "What Would Jesus Do?" Oh, gee. I don't know. How about GET HIS ASS NAILED UP ON A BIG WOODEN CROSS AND CROAK! That's what Jesus would do, so why don't you follow in his footsteps?
ATM Idiots
"Ok.. so I just insert my card?" *insert* BEEEP! " Uh-oh.." *insert* BEEEP! " Stupid machine."*insert* BEEEP! "Ohhh... I see... I had the stripe facing the wrong way." *insert* BEEEP! *insert* BEEEP! *insert* ENTER YOUR PIN NUMBER "Hmmm..." *boop..... boop boop....* "Oops" *clear... boop... boop boop.............boop* BEEEP! "AAAAH!!" *boop... boop... boop..........boop* SELECT TYPE OF TRANSACTION "Uhhhhhhhh.... (ponders the choices between four types of transactions for 30 seconds) BEEP BEEP BEEP! DO YOU NEED MORE TIME? "Oh dear!" *'yes' boop* SELECT AN AMOUNT IN MULTIPLES OF $20. *boop boop '$45'* BEEEP! "AAA!" SELECT AN AMOUNT IN MULTIPLES OF $20. *boop.....boopboop '$400'* DISPENSING $400 "AAAAAA NOOOO! FORTY!!! SHIT!" BEEEPBEEEPBEEEP! "AAA! WHAT THE HELL??!!" PLEASE TAKE YOUR CARD AND RECEIPT (gets nervous and walks away with the receipt, but forgets the ATM card). Why the fuck am I always stuck behind these morons? WELCOME TO THE MODERN AGE! MAY THE WHEELS OF CHANGE GRIND YOUR BONES TO POWDER!
"Hip-Hopera"
The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, Maxim girls, and the people who not only pay attention to them at all, but make a big fuss and get all excited about them. Look. There's this amazing new thing called PORN, and it actually features beautiful women who are not only partly undressed, but TOTALLY NAKED, and they don't just march up and down a runway or hang out in exotic locations that look like travel brochures and other totally nonsexual bullshit, but they are actually involved in erotic situations and are sometimes actually HAVING SEX! REAL SEX! Not like that fake "rubba-rubba-grindy-grindy" cheesy soft focus HBO penis-never-shows sex. I got bored with the Sears Catalog when I was 8. Graduate, you pathetic boobs.
Satanists. "Judeo-Christian religion is bullshit! That's why I follow the imaginary bad guy that was created in the same book that created the imaginary god, that was supposedly written BY the imaginary god that I hate." Do you seriously not see your own stupidity? "Gandalf isn't real! Sauron ROCKS!" Side note: Everyone else's musical tastes have developed beyond what they listened to during their 14 year old "Fuck you, Mom and Dad" phase. One time I was in Tower Records and some guy who was about 25 asked the clerk where the Death Metal Section was. It's mixed in with ROCK, fucknuts. Did you actually think that after 1990, there would be a whole section of Metal, much less a section for a splinter subgenre of metal that only 22 people on the face of the earth still listen to?
Germ Freaks. I was in line at a store one day and I was about 4 feet behind the lady in front of me. I coughed ONCE and she turned around and yelled, "You better get away from me with that motherfuckin' cough. I just HAD a cold." I said I was sorry but she kept rattling on until I said, "Look. I said I was sorry. Would you prefer that I SPIT on you?"
THE STILE PROJECT
It started out as an archive of all those pics of weird shit that get circulated around the internet and everyone has seen 1000 times. It got a zillion hits a day despite having almost no original content. Scores of other pages followed the formula. Then something ugly happened. BANNERS. Not just for some guy's favorite sites... Porn Banners. And not just one or two, but SHITLOADS. A guy running a site that gets thousands of daily hits figured out a way to make money and he got greedy. But even that wasn't good enough. "I know... I'll add POPUP ADS! That way I get paid even if the readers don't click a goddamn thing... and... I KNOW! I'll intermingle links to the funny pictures with links to the porn ads. HAHAHA !! If they close one, IT OPENS FIVE MORE! And if they close those, THEY OPEN FIVE MORE EACH!!! GODDAMN I SUCK ASS!!! MUHAHAHAHAH!!!" If you go to that page now, it's hard to find something to click on that ISN'T an ad. And wow - the content is such a great way to program a human mind. Repeated Arousal plus Violence. *Click* Hot Chick *Click* Beheaded Guy *Click* Hot Chick *Click* Animated Hentai Porn with Girl's Legs Cut Off *Click* Hot Chick *Click* Midget *Click* Guy Run Over By Car *Click* Etc... That page is blocked from the computers at work. Yeah? So? Hey, Ernie's House of Whoop-Ass! New ideas are a bitch, huh? What's amusing about Ernie's is he put "Often imitated - Never duplicated" on his site that's a blatant and completely unmasked attempt to be like the Stile Project, with the addition of retarded warmongering misdirected patriotism of the "we're America so we should be allowed to blow up whoever we want, and anyone who disagrees is a commie" variety. Yeah, your section of people writing "We love Ernie's" on their tits is NOTHING like the "Stile Sucks" section. Ernie's doesn't seem to be updated as regularly as Stile or Bangedup. I guess that's because he needs to wait for them to post new pictures so he can leech them for use on his own site. On May 9, he copy pasted this ENTIRE PAGE from Maddox as his entire update. BRAVO, CHAMP! Tres Originale.
Those stupid girl's jeans with the pre-faded thighs. I feel kinda stupid putting this on here, because they're so overexposed that they'll probably be out of style in a week.
Thank you, Rap Music for creating a bumper crop of guys who talk to themselves loudly in public and not only don't care who hears them, but mistakenly think that it makes them cool, not stupid and obnoxious.
Today I saw a grown woman sucking her thumb. She even had her index finger over her nose the way two year olds do. I don't really think it's necessary to elaborate on this so I'll just scream. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!! Thank you.
People who think they're making their webpages look sleek and minimalistic by using white backgrounds with light grey 6 point fonts. "Wow! The way you made your text into a barely visible blurry line makes your page look both sleek AND minimalistic. Hang on! Let me reset my screen resolution to 640x480 so I can read what it says.... hmm... Nope. Still too small. But wow! It looks so fucking cool!"
People who marvel at the "Drama of Sports." Listen to the hushed, tense voices of the golf announcers. You need quiet so you can concentrate on your putt? You snobby prick! Surely any musician who plays an instrument well requires easily as much concentration and ability as a fucking golfer. You think SOUND distracts them? If anything here is distracting it's your IDIOTIC LIME GREEN PANTS! Ahhh, Sports: The Anti-Art.
Cher's semi-annual 'Look How Tightly I Stretched My Latex Skin Over My Titanium Terminator Skull' comeback tour.
And of course...
The people who still think she's 'hip.'
"She looks amazing considering she's 98"
People on IRC who join #newyork and think that it's like the NATIONAL channel. "AM BE NE1 FROM OHIO?" " What is being time in USA?" "WHAT IS ZIP CODE OF USA?"
People on AOL Instant Messenger who have made a hobby out of changing their buddy icon, so every time they message you, you have to accept it. "Hi!" (Click ok) "What's up?" (Click ok)
Guys who piss ALL OVER the toilet seat. What? Are you retarded? Here we have a hole bigger than the size of an average man's waist (or at least that would be the case if you were actually smart enough to lift the fucking seat up), your dick hangs DIRECTLY OVER the target so even if the piss FELL OUT it would make a perfect bullseye, you've had an average of a half dozen chances to practice this shot every single day of your life since birth, and you STILL make the bathroom look like a yellow Jackson Pollock painting!!!! Oh well. I guess that IS a lot of coordination to expect from some guy who drags his knuckles and warns rival males by thumping his chest. Would it fucking kill you to at least wipe it off? You think the next person is going to admire your masterpiece? Are you marking your goddamn territory? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?! Please, please come and try that shit in MY bathroom so I can make it look like a RED Jackson Pollock painting.
Male Comedians who joke about not understanding Women.
Female Comedians who joke about trying to lose weight.
It's been done. Give it a rest and look into other career choices.
That stupid little robot voice that's been in every fucking pop song for the last 3 years.
Guys who actively spend 100% of their time trying (key word: trying) to look cool. I was at the DMV and I got stuck behind some retard who was wearing sunglasses inside and using an umbrella as a cane as he strutted along deliberately slowly. "HEY, SHIT-NECK! Welcome to the fucking Department of Motor Vehicles. Everyone here is pissed that they even have to be here, and hate your guts just because you're in queue with them. You should feel psyched that you're the coolest motherfucker in this goddamn REFUGEE CAMP. Get the fuck out of my way!" Last night I was coming home from work at 11:30pm, and this guy was hanging out on the street corner wearing an all Roca-Wear outfit and two baseball hats, one on top of the other, at different angles. My first thought was, "Holy shit. Not only did that guy actually leave the house like that without feeling like an idiot, but he actually thinks he looks COOL." Then another idea hit me that compounded the whole thing. This retard got ALL DRESSED UP to stand idle, ALONE on a street corner in the upper Bronx at 11:30pm on a fucking Wednesday. There is FUCK-ALL going on. The only people on the street are this retard and the people who just got off the train. "Yo, shorty. Whattup? Tough commute? Wanna kick it?"
Assholes who play with their cell phones on the subway. Just what I need to mess up my morning nap: some asshole who STILL thinks that a cell phone is a status symbol, who's going through all the ring tones trying to decide which one best coordinates with the image he wants to project as a person. YOU CAN'T EVEN GET A GODDAMN SIGNAL UNDERGROUND. Next time I hear this, I'm going to throw my PDA stylus with ninja-like cunning and skill and skewer the guy's phone to his forehead. Then he'll slump over and the phone will give out a dying sound like R2-D2 running out of batteries. Should I write movies? No. No I should not.
"Mad" meaning "Very." "Yo, son. When I be talkin' like this I sound mad stupid, dawg. Werd."
White Kids from Ohio who smoke pot and think it makes them a Rastafarian.
People who shake my hand and their hand wilts like a delicate lily.
Guys who think that a the whole point of a handshake is a contest of might and pain threshold. "I can tell you really respect me because you displaced my knuckles and broke two bones. I'll sign your contract, but I'll have to hold the pen in my mouth."
People who use Pachouli. Yes. We can still tell that you have not bathed in two weeks. Not only are you NOT masking your fucking horrendous hippy-stink B.O. the way you THINK you are, you are adding the even MORE offensive odor of the world's most hideous perfume. In the extremely UNLIKELY event that someone CLEAN put this on his body, he may as well have not bathed in the last month, since he's instantly transformed into a FILTHY HIPPY. When I smell that shit, I can feel my sinuses closing up like a Hardee's Restaurant. TAKE A FUCKING SHOWER, YOU WALKING BAG OF GENITAL LICE AND DEAD SKIN CRUMBS!
The plastic labeling tape that holds the top of a CD jewelcase together. Is there any possible way that you could make the adhesive stronger, or make the label more prone to ripping into little pieces? Of course I didn't buy this new CD with the intention of enjoying listening to it. I bought it because nothing brings me more happiness than sitting there going, " pick, pick, pick, pick, pick, pick, pick, pick, pick.....pull, rip... pick, pick, pick, pick."
R&B Singers who sing "The Star Spangled Banner" at Baseball games and go, "and the rockets' red glaaAAAEEEEaAAaaeeeaaaayyyeeeeaaaAAaarrre.. the bombs bursting in aaaAaAAAaaEeEAaAaeeEEaaaair." Hey, Windbag. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Power Ties."FEAR ME AND THE POWARR OF MY RED AND ORANGE TIE!" Does that thing glow in the dark? You're powerful because you're tacky as hell? Where do the batteries go? Maybe next time you can get one that has tiny speakers that make a loud, continuous trumpet blare. Then you'll be even more powerful.
People who block up the sidewalk with an umbrella big enough to keep the South American Rainforest dry.
People who talk with their hands in a cramped, crowded situation. Look, asshole. You're not conducting an orchestra, you're elbowing me. *CHOP CHOP* There. Talk with your nubs.
Para-Science and Pseudo-Science. I'm tired of sparing people's feelings when they think that their stupidity is actually their brilliance. Can't we just sort things into 'Bullshit' and 'Non-Bullshit?'
The Republican Christian Hypocrisy.
Since I was old enough to pay attention to religion and politics (which is actually not really an age thing, I suppose, since the average American voter casts votes on the basis of how good someone looks on TV), I have been perplexed and disgusted by an obvious contradiction. Christians purport to "turn the other cheek" and preach peace and nonviolence and charity to the poor. Then they go and give all their support to Republican Party, which supports the Death Penalty, Gun Ownership, Military Buildup, Huge Tax Write-Offs for the Rich Owners of Big Corporations and the Abolishing of Welfare. Your body is a temple? Then why would Republicans try to protect Tobacco Companies and try to weaken government restrictions on pollution? "It's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to pass into he Kingdom of Heaven," but we know a few people in Washington, and we'll see what we can work out.
People who bitch about modern medicine and preach in favor of alternative remedies as though it's of some ridiculous religious significance to them. Let's put it into a very basic perspective: Results. Most of these natural remedies center around plants and have been used for their medicinal value for hundreds of years, and while many have merit, most pale in comparison to modern medicine. In the last two hundred years, the life expectancy in the US has gone from the mid-forties to the mid-eighties. Hmmm. Life Expectancy doubling... I'm willing to bet that Ginseng and Ginkgo Biloba had very little to do with that increase. A lady at work saw me taking some Advil for a headache and bitched at me saying, "Do you know what you're putting in your body? That will just COVER UP the pain!" and I replied, "YES! IT WILL! Maybe I don't feel like sitting here ENJOYING my headache." This same woman would bitch at me for taking cough syrup when I had a cold, saying it was POISON. When I had a cold it would last about 4 or 5 days. When SHE had a cold it would last for TWO WEEKS and she'd end up missing at least four or five days of work and come back STILL all fucked up and having to leave early for a few days. Sure... Use your healing crystals and magnets. Sprinkle echinacea into every goddamn thing you eat. I prefer Physical Health to Spiritual Harmony. After my quadruple bypass surgery I'll try not to let my Triple Whopper with Cheese drip delicious tallow on your grave.
People who wear a hat for so long that you can't remember or visualize what they look like without it.
Tappers. We know you like the music on your headphones. You are not part of the music and the bottlecap in your hand banging against the handrail is not a musical instrument, so FUCKING KNOCK IT OFF.
Fat people who wear Phat Farm clothes. How can I NOT laugh?
People who take everyone in their extended families to the grocery store. The aisles are six feet across. Don't make me need to plow the cart through your whole clan like a bunch of bowling pins. Nothing's coming between me and my Cap'n Crunch.
Spray air freshener. AHHH! It's like I'm in a mountain breeze amid a sea of wild flowers.... getting sprayed by TEAR GAS! ARRRG! MY THROAT! MY EYESSS! THE BURNING! GAHHH!
Women who visibly hate children who have five of them. "HOLD YOUR BROTHER'S HAND AND SHUT UP!" *SMACK!!!!* (Scowl scowl) "DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO STAND STILL?!?!" *SMACK* (Scowl scowl). You always see them slapping the shit out of their kids in public for the smallest, most innocent things. Generally, the kid's worst offense was simply acting like a kid, and they're so accustomed to being slapped around that the smack causes little more reaction than a slight passing frown. If you hate children so much, why not use the dozen or so safe, easy and effective methods of birth control at your disposal... Oh, yeah... that's another one of those questions that I can answer myself... because you're too fucking stupid. Guess what message you're giving to your kids about their worth. Later in life when they have a spouse who beats them up, they have you to thank.
And
People who
don't do ANYTHING about it when their children are being completely horrible,
disrespectful, and obnoxious. I was in the laundromat the other day, and these
two kids of about 5 and 8 came up and asked me for money. I said no. Their
parents were maybe 10 feet away in clear view. The kids then stood there for
about 10 minutes staring at me with their hands out while I folded laundry.
Finally I took my headphones off and said, "Your PARENTS are right there.
Why don't you ask THEM for money?" When the parents heard me, they glanced
my way for a moment and then continued watching TV. If MY kids begged a total
stranger for money in my presence, I would knock the fucking alphabet out
of their heads. There was a kid of about 5 on the train today who was yelling
at the top of his lungs about EVERYTHING; what people were wearing, what the
announcer said, the doors opening and closing... He wouldn't sit still or
be quiet even for a second and kept bumping the person next to him. When people
would talk he'd scream, "SHUT UUUUUUP!" and cover his ears and scowl
at them. The parents acted like he either didn't exist or wasn't doing anything
even the least bit irritating to others. Look. The kid's whole purpose in
life is obviously to attract attention to himself, whether positive or negative,
from ANYONE. Guess who's fault THAT is. Being a parent should fucking require
a license.
(Next Episode)
Anyone who thinks
smoking pot counts as a HOBBY. I'm not going to sit and harp on drugs being
bad. Do what you want. I could really care less. But if someone asks you what
makes you "you," and what you're all about, and the first thing that comes to
mind is "TREEEES," then you're a worthless, boring, unimaginative, uninspired
sack of soft-serve dogshit. That's the MAIN identifying factor of your personality?
STOP OCCUPYING MY TIME AND SPACE. I mean, masturbation is fun too, but I don't
bug people and try to start conversations about the really awesome orgasm I
gave myself last week.
Yes, you guys on IRC with a nickname that incorporates "420," "blunt,"
"hydro," "chronic," "blazed," etc, I'm talking
to you.
People who say they
hate my page who can practically recite it back to me word-for-word. If you
hate it so much, what made you sit there and read ALL of it? And no, I don't
buy that you think it's funny in an Icy Hot Stuntaz kinda way.
Kids who think being
called a "Thug" is a positive thing. You want to be a big tough guy who can take
a lot of punches to the head because you have no brains? You enjoy being an
expendable palooka? That's exactly what a THUG is, but hey, whatever. The same
goes for "Ghetto." Your shitty neighborhood doesn't make you cool. Get some
self esteem, for fuck sake. "Yo, son! I gots MAD respek from my SHITTY NEIGHBORHOOD!"
And kids, Tagging is the equivalent of dogs pissing on posts and takes about
as much intelligence and talent. Congratulations! You've made your claim in
a neighborhood that looks like shit thanks to you and your little friends.
People who truly feel
that religion is the most natural way of thinking and that secular thought is
"something introduced."
Infomercials. I'm
paying you 50 bucks a month to watch TV. I didn't ask you for 30 minutes worth
of information about a product that only an imbecile would buy. And why is it
that every single one of these stupid things has the retarded, clueless Joe
Schmoe that is being TAUGHT about the product? "WOW! This is amazing! I can't
believe you just cut through that hubcap and can still slice that tomato paper
thin!!" How many times did you have to practice that at rehearsal before it
sounded genuine?
People who look at
me like i'm from a strange foreign land when they try to talk to me about sports
and I say that I don't like sports. You're so one-dimensional that you can't
think of ANYTHING else to talk about?
People who don't know
when the handshake is over. The respect has passed. Now you're just touching
my hand. Stop.
The
Non-Player Character AI in Morrowind. In Morrowind Tribunal, you get to use
hired mercenaries. They aid you by using advanced artificial intelligence behaviors
like: "Stand in the doorway so you can't go in or out," "Run
around aimlessly and into the side of a tree even though you're in plain view
and the only requirement of the AI is to go towards you," "Get stuck
behind the dreaded ankle-high rock of doom," "Run headlong into a
big pack of incredibly strong enemies because you just fired an arrow at them,"
"Get stuck in the water because he won't swim under the tiny stalactite,"
"Start attacking you because you accidentally hit him once because of his
delightful tendency to run into the middle of packs of enemies," "Fall
down the gigantic hill so you have to go down and lead him all the way back,"
"Use 20 full-recovery health potions while fighting a little rat because
it bit him 20 times, doing ONE HP of damage each time," "Use his crappy
peasant armor or weapon instead of the amazing magic or high-grade equipment
you gave him - corrected by TAKING HIS CRAPPY EQUIPMENT AWAY like he's a little
child," "Stand there and watch you get thwacked by an enemy,"
"Say 'Where are you going' EVERY SINGLE TIME you get more than 20 feet
ahead of him, which happens all the time because he runs as fast as someone
with two trick knees who just took a giant runny shit in his pants," "Never
EVER jump - jumping might actually make him able to follow you or overcome the
infamous ankle-high rock of doomy obstruction, and we wouldn't want that."
Please don't fix the AI, Bethesda. If you did that, playing with the mercenary
character might actually be non-infuriating... or even enjoyable. Oh... and
umm - do you guys store your dishes in your dresser and your weapons in burlap
sacks at home? When was the last time you opened up a jar and there was a full
suit of armor inside? Also - Do you think you could have put less than 40 million
Cliff Racers in the game? A Cliff Racer is a stupid bird thing that squawks
and gets stuck in a tree, so the "Action Music" kicks in until you
walk out of range of the AI - and on the occasion that one catches up to you,
one thwack with a decent sword does the job. They weren't hard after about an
hour of playing. After a day or so, they presented no challenge at all, sorta
like an equivalent to a baby harp seal with a club chained to a collar around
its neck and a bullseye on the top of its head, and served only to annoy me
since the music would continually switch into the "Scary Enemy" soundtrack.
Scary enemy, my ass. The theme from the Gummi Bears Cartoon would have suited
it better, and may have been slightly less annoying... and yes... I know all
the words. I also like how they have a zillion weapons and artifacts with values
over 100,000 gold pieces and yet, it's impossible to find anyone to sell it
to who has more than 10,000. They could say that a sword is worth 9,000,000,000,000,000
gold pieces, and all it translates to is 10,000 MAX anyway, so what's the fucking
point?
"NAhhMean? NAhm Sayin?"
Maybe if you didn't speak in broken English you wouldn't have to keep stopping
at the end of every sentence for confirmation that the person understood what
the hell you just said.
Dragon Ball
Z
Goku: I will hit him with my Fireball
attack - but I need to charge up first. URRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHH!!! UHHHHNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!!!!!
(beads of sweat on face)
Gohan: Wow, Dad. You're SO powerful!
Goku: UNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGHHH URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! (beads of sweat on face)
Cell: (Evil Snicker)
Goku: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! UHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGG!!!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! URRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (beads of sweat on face)
(30 minutes pass)
Goku: URRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! UNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNHHHHH!!!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! (beads of sweat on face)
Announcer: Will his attack work? Tune
in Next Time and Find Out!
Goku: URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
UHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!! (beads of sweat on face)
(Next Episode)
Goku: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! (beads of sweat on face)
(Next Episode)
Goku: UHHHNNNNNNNNNN!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
RRRRRRRGGGGGGGG!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! (Fires the fireball) (beads of sweat
on face)
The fireball hits Cell and does no
damage.
Cell: (Evil Snicker) (beads of sweat
on face)
Gohan: AHHH??? WOW! IT DIDN'T EVEN
HURT HIM! (beads of sweat on face)
Goku: You're right. Enough playing
around! I better use my lightning flame attack - but first I need to charge
up! URRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!! (beads of sweat on face)
(Keep repeating this pattern enough
times to make 72 hours of programming)
(beads of sweat on face)
Blockbuster Video.
OF COURSE they have 40 copies of "Tomcats" but only one copy of "Reservoir Dogs."
They also have movies from a year and a half ago in the "New Releases"
section so they can charge more. For some reason, every time I go there, it's
staffed by 2 people. One person is off to the side, putting stickers on things,
while the other one is waiting on the gigantic line of 200 imbeciles. I get
to stand in line for 45 minutes listening to "Damn, son. That Jet Li is a DOPE
nigga." "Billy Madison is the best movie I have EVER SEEN." "I see you have
American Ninja 3 and 4. Do you know if there's a location where I can rent 1
and 2? Could you look that up for me?" "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Hey, Mommy!
Mommy! Can I get this game? Mommy! Hey Mommy!" "What do you mean I can't rent
here? This is my friend's card."
People who spell Fairy
"Faerie," Dragon "Drakken," or Vampire "Vampyre." You think you're
cool because you intentionally misspell the names of imaginary creatures? Please
slip off this mortal coil. And incidentally, I hope you "Drop 200 Gold" when
you do. And it's fucking "MAGIC!" It's not "Magik," or "Magick,"
or "Majick" or any of that bullshit that you guys with your 20 sided
dice like to say. They always try to play it off by saying some crap like, "But
that was the ancient Gaelic spelling." What year is this? What country
is this? Your everyday speech is in what language? STOP MISSPELLING IT ON PURPOSE,
YOU PRETENTIOUS NERD!
Guys who want to strike
up a conversation with you while you're peeing in a public urinal. Great! Just
what I need to stop the flow! Some asshole who thinks he has a captive audience.
You'd better shut your fucking mouth before I decide to pee ON you.
People
who completely cease to be an individual with individual goals and values the
second they have a child. I understand that you love your child. I understand
that you need to care for and provide for your child. I understand that it changes
the way you live. I do not understand why you never have ANYTHING else to talk
about anymore. "I went to the store today." "Get anything good?"
"I found the CUTEST little sweater for my baby! It has Elmo on it!"
"Sigh..." You might think that firing off 2 rolls of film every day
is no big deal, but don't expect me to say "awwwwww" for every fucking shot.
Maybe it's just that you never really had a life of your own and now you get
to live vicariously through your doughey little slobber demon. Here's a hint.
Don't fucking tell me that your kid is 32 months old, don't take new pictures
every single time the kid gets a new pair of socks, and see if you can actually
go away and leave him with a sitter for more than an hour and a half without
calling to check how he's doing. Get a life. And that doesn't mean "Make Another
One."
Guys who constantly breathe through their nose like they're trying to blow out birthday candles.
Ravers who go to a party so they can do lots of drugs and showcase their grossly overpriced clothes who look at me like I don't know what it's all about since I'm there for the music.
People who take a book to the bathroom and stay in there for 30 minutes. Do you really think indole and skatole smell so yummy that you can't resist lingering so you can inhale them deeply until you are sated? Maybe it's just me, but avoidance of one's own waste is a pretty healthy animal instinct, and the toilet's design is centered around making the filth go away in the fastest and most odorless method possible. PLEASE USE THIS TECHNOLOGY!
Commercials that try to make products seem cool when they could never be cool.
"IT DEEESTROYS ATHLETE'S FOOT FUNGUS *B-ZAPP!!!* ON CONTACT! *K-BLAM!!!*"
"YOU GOT MILK? YO! YOU GOTTA GET IT! WERD!"
"HAVE YOU REGISTERED WITH SELECTIVE SERVICES? GET WITH IT, DUDE!"
People who, when backed into a corner with legitimate criticism, think they're making a triumphant comeback with, "Yeah, well... uhhh .... You're probably a FAG! HAH! And uhhh .... You got a LITTLE DICK TOO! HAH! ....and uhh... I FUCKED YOUR MOM! HAH!"
Girls who have webcam pictures of themselves on their homepages where they're doing the clichéd "CUTE HEAD TILT."
Guys who have webcam pictures of themselves on their homepages where they're doing the clichéd "PUFF DADDY LOWER LIP STUCK OUT HEAD-TILTED BACK SNEER." When I see that, I want to smack their heads the rest of the way back with a bat.
Anyone who has ever quipped, "Workin' hard, or hardly workin'?" HEE-YUCK! HEE-YUCK! Good one, Jethro.
Retards who pronounce the word "striped" as a two syllable word, "stripe-ed." Why do you arbitrarily pick this particular word to mispronounce? Would you say, "As I walk-ed down the street, some people look-ed at me, so I smile-ed at them, and then we went to my place and fuck-ed, but it hurt a little because I was sunburn-ed"? Then why would you refer to your "stripe-ed pants?" If you come near me, you're going to get punch-ed.
Bogus Movie Review Comments in Movie Ads. If you listened to movie ads, apparently EVERY movie ever made is amazing. What reviewer would lay down his reputation by pushing movies that are such obvious tripe? "The Boston Globe calls Monkey Trouble 'Hilarious! I laughed until my eyeballs exploded!' 'A Feast For The Eyes,' says Entertainment Weekly. The New York Times says, 'I couldn't stop laughing. Astounding. A Triumph!' Time Magazine raves, "We're APE for Monkey Trouble! Ingenious movie making!'" What fucking cretins do they have writing this shit? Is this all used out of context, or do they just get some insane homeless man to say some bullshit by dangling a bottle of fortified wine over his head? Do people still give these totally false comments credence? How many times do you have to get burned before you remember, "Hey, wait a second... isn't that the same reviewer who said Double Take gave Doctor Zhivago a run for its money?" I just think that the Media Monopoly is leaning a bit too heavily on the editorial pen. When the same companies own all the magazines, newspapers, tv stations, radio stations and movie studios, it becomes less like unbiased critique, and a lot more like overt marketing.
Cyber-sex/cyber-space/cyber-anything, Netizens, "online community," e-trading/e-business/e-banking/e-commerce/e-go-fuck-yourself, surf, buddy list, irc ascii popups and scripts that tell jokes and play 8-ball and other retarded shit, "information super-highway," people online who end everything in "Z" (i.e. mp3z, ftpz, sitez) to sound leet, people who refer to things on the internet with the pseudo-adjective "dot com," 14 year old aolers who have the nerve to use the terms "hacked" or "lamer" referring to anyone other than themselves, Bloggers, Live Journals, RaNdOm CaPs and |_33T 5P34|<, kids who download and install a flooder script and think it makes them a hacker, people who install a non-windows OS just for the bragging rights, ASL, LOL, ROTFLMAO, IMHO, BRB, BBIAB, TTYL, NOOB, PM, UR, GTG, IM, NE1, PLZ, TY, OIC, CTC, AFK, TX, OMG, STFU!! STFU!! STFU!!!! STFU!!!!!!!!!
People who get so bored that they CREATE rumors. I keep finding out that my sex life is far more interesting than I could ever imagine. These people have the funny tendency to actually get really angry and insulted when they get busted too. Ahh - the irony.
People who think that hanging out in #philosophy on IRC makes them deep.
Unsolicited Junk Email that says "This is not unsolicited email. You signed up for this. We are a company that is committed to delivering important and relevant information to our clients." Thanks for adding insult to injury you fucking shitstains. I didn't sign up for a fucking thing. Since when is BREAST INCREASING CREAM fucking RELEVANT to my existence?? The next time I get an ad saying "ADD INCHES TO YOUR PENIS," I'm going send them a reply with a HUGE, HIGH RESOLUTION CLOSEUP PICTURE OF MY THROBBING, ERECT COCK to show them that their ad is NOT TARGETED AT INTERESTED CONSUMERS who NEED THEIR PRODUCT, and definitely not requested by me. You think you're "connecting goods and services with customers who want more information?" Meet me face to face and let me CONNECT a claw hammer repeatedly to your cranium and you'll get a good impression of how interested I am in your bullshit. "HOTTT SEEXY TEENZZ?" CRACK! "HOTTTT SEXXYY TEEENZ?" CRACK! "HOTT SEEXXXY TEENNSZZ?" CRACK! There's a special place in hell for people that add that disclaimer line to their Spam, and it smells a lot like Pakistan.
IRC People who swear I know them when I have no clue who the hell they are.
<oHIoGuy24> hey!
<negativepositive> hello?
<oHIoGuy24> how have you been?
<negativepositive> uhhh... ok... who is this?
<oHIoGuy24> you don't remember?
<negativepositive> did you go by another nick?
<oHIoGuy24> i was probably oHIoGuy22 at the time
<negativepositive> huh?
<oHIoGuy24> it's probably been a couple years -- i think we talked once or twice - weird that you don't remember
<negativepositive> .......
<oHIoGuy24> anything new on the webpage?
<negativepositive> uhhh.. since a couple years ago?
<negativepositive> hello?
<oHIoGuy24> how have you been?
<negativepositive> uhhh... ok... who is this?
<oHIoGuy24> you don't remember?
<negativepositive> did you go by another nick?
<oHIoGuy24> i was probably oHIoGuy22 at the time
<negativepositive> huh?
<oHIoGuy24> it's probably been a couple years -- i think we talked once or twice - weird that you don't remember
<negativepositive> .......
<oHIoGuy24> anything new on the webpage?
<negativepositive> uhhh.. since a couple years ago?
Bread companies who think they're making their bread "gourmet" by making it extremely dense, dry and flaky.
Any show where they bother to mention that someone is "joining us live via satellite." That must have seemed pretty cool and high-tech in the eighties, but it means fuck-all today. Y'know what else is joining us live via satellite? ALL TV! THE INTERNET! YOUR PAGER! EVERY FUCKING PHONE CALL YOU MAKE! EVERYTHING!
The way people view celebrities in the Justice System. While they're in court, everyone wants them to get fucked, and once they're in prison, everyone begs for them to be set free. "Robert Downey Jr. got busted with cocaine? He should be fed to angry dogs." "Mike Tyson raped someone? Awww - that's ok. Let him out. He's been in there for at least two weeks. He's sorry. Look at how sad he looks."
Teen idols. PERIOD.
Eidos video games. "Good morning, Sir. Yes, we're in the character rendering stage of our game development. Well... We've run into a glitch with the main character of the game, Sir. It seems that when she runs, her oversized 3D rendered breasts meld with her knees and it causes clipping. Maybe we could reduce her breast size or make them bounce less and then we wouldn't have the clipping when she runs." (Holds the phone away from his ear as the sound of loud, angry screaming comes through the receiver) "Yes, Sir. I'm sorry, Sir. I understand. We'll put the character on Rollerskates so she can have mobility and still retain the inhumanly large breasts. No, Sir. I haven't forgotten the Company Motto, and I won't bother you with silly suggestions like that again."
People who think they're distributing new wisdom with old sayings. "The Early
Bird Catches The Worm." "Uhhh. Thanks for the motivation. Who the hell wants
a worm. You can keep your worm. I'll take sleep over an annelid any day.
New York City drivers who think that the lines in the road are there merely as a polite suggestion.
People who believe in ghosts and angels. Get a fucking grip on reality. Do you need for me to elaborate further?
People who call me while they're watching TV.
RING RING
"Hello?"
"Hey Mike! What's up?"
"Oh, Hey! What's goin' on?"
"......................."
"Hello?........"
"......................huh?"
I saw a teenage guy on the train today who was morbidly obese who was wearing red and yellow Marylin Manson-esque color contacts. "FEAR ME! I AM UGTHOR THE DEVOURER, DESTROYER OF KING DONS! I HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR SOUL AND MAKE BUTTER AND MAYONNAISE SANDWICHES!!!"
The fact that nobody's really messing with Curious George or Darth Chenney for being elbows-deep in the Enron cookie jar, but they wanted to impeach Clinton for getting a blowjob.
People who practice their form for flipping people off so they cock their knuckles to form sharp, exaggerated angles. Lots of free time and even more class, eh?
Asshole crybabies who go to bars and throw a temper tantrum because they don't have the brand of liquor they like.
"I'll have a Wild Turkey and Coke."
"Sorry, we don't have Wild Turkey."
"Wha... but... but... NO WILD TURKEY?!?!"
"We do have Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Maker's Mark, Old Grandad, Canadian Mist, Canadian Club, VO, Ancient Age, our house brand of whiskey as well as a whole bunch of different Scotches and Bourbons..."
"No Wild Turkey?!?! PFFFT! Just give me a beer!.... Do you have Pete's Wicked Ale?"
Tax Exemption for Religion. Let's face facts. Running a Church is a BUSINESS. But it's tax exempt. Why? It's proprietors make loads of profit, but unlike a regular business, there is NO PRODUCT. It's the only business where the only expenses are the maintenance of a building and utility bills. Other than that there are no actual Production Costs at all, simply because there is NO PRODUCT. The economy is in a rut and they want to raise the Defense Budget. Our Social Security system is going down the drain. You want a quick and lasting fix? TAX FUCKING RELIGION.
Movies about SPORTS. Sorry, but you have a really stupid concept of human drama. And no, you are not going to make me care.
The way that the electronics industry collectively decides to change the color of their stuff every year so you can look at someone's home stereo and know the exact age of every component. This year it's light silver. Last year it was black. The year before that it was metallic brown. Give it a fucking rest.
The Porn window that KEEPS COMING BACK no matter how many times you close it.
The fact that everyone on Ebay seems to think that every single object manufactured more than two years ago is "RARE! MUST SEE! OUT OF PRINT! DISCONTINUED!"
Nickelodeon.
"Sir! We seem to have a show on our channel that is truly hilarious!"
"Hmmmmm... I see."
"The jokes are off the cuff and well thought out. What should we do?!?!?"
"QUICK! Cancel it and put reruns of Three's Company and My Three Sons on in its place!"
"YES SIR!"
The way Christians capitalize pronouns relating to god such as "Him, His, He, etc.." I don't even capitalize pronouns relating to people, and THEY'RE FUCKING REAL!
Anyone who uses the term "Playa Hata." Contrary to what you seem to believe, we don't hate you because we're jealous. We hate you, simply, because you're a narcissistic, self-congratulatory bag of liquid rhino shit. No, no. Put your gold chain down. We didn't ask to see it, and its impressiveness is kinda canceled out by the fact that you live with your mom. Your jacket cost 300 bucks? Is that supposed to prove to me that you're financially secure, or that you are good at wasting money? Anyone who's financially secure could easily afford it, though financially stable people seem to be less interested in using all of their money for silly, superficial peacock displays. Isn't it funny how many jewelry and beeper/cell phone stores are in shitty neighborhoods? SUCKERS! People who brag about having money usually don't have any. There was this dipshit on the train today. He kept hitting on girls by yelling, "Yo, Baby!" then he would pull out a stack of 20's that looked like MAYBE 100 bucks and fan them out with both hands, fan his face with them, kiss them, then put them back in his pocket. He did this on THREE SEPARATE OCCASIONS. Somebody please shoot this shithead. The whole thing looked very choreographed and practiced. What does he think he's proving? "Hey, baby. I'm a breadwinner because I have ONE HUNDRED WHOLE DOLLARS. I was just on my way to the bank to put a downpayment on a house." Should I state the obvious? A guy who actually bothers to flaunt that he has 100 bucks probably doesn't even have a fucking job.
Nervous natured people who think that calm natured people don't care as much as they do. You're mad because the people around you aren't in a frenzied panic like you? It's not about how much we care. Maybe if you were as prepared, qualified, and intelligent as the people you work with, you wouldn't be such an obnoxious spaz all the time.
People online who tell me how stupid I am... and misspell everything they say.
"Dude. Your links page is really cool. Here. Check out this page of completely generic Playboy Porn and Swimsuit Pics."
Sea Monkeys. Wow, what a delightful pet for children! Brine Shrimp!
"Hey, Daddy! Can I have a puppy?"
"No, Son. But you can have these sqiggly little things for a few days until they settle on the bottom."
People who brag about their mental disorders as though they're cool and constantly try to segue into conversations about them as attention getters. "I hear that movie is supposed to be good." "That's what my therapist says." "Huh??" "Oh uhh - I'm a Manic-Depressive." "Uhhhh .... ok......" Being fucked in the head is something to BRAG about?
People who read this page and ask, "Don't you like ANYTHING??" I like lots of things... Just not YOUR stupid ass. Generally the people who ask me that question are guilty of 60% or more of the personality-based things on this page, so I really don't care if I impress them or not.
People who brake in their cars while I'm a passenger by jamming the brakes then coasting, then jamming the brakes and coasting, and pumping and pumping the brakes until the car eventually comes to a stop. Look. I like what I had for lunch, and you like your upholstery, but I don't think the two would mix well.
People who speak to someone two feet away from them so loudly that the sentient life on undiscovered planets knows what color their date's underwear was. If your normal speaking voice is SCREAMING, then get a fucking hearing aid and shut the fuck up.
Guys who try to impress people by pretending that they're some kind of VIP at every bar in town. "I'll wait with you in line because they don't know you." When they get to the door, they try to joke with the door guy, who responds by smiling politely. Then the dork pays the full cover, just like everyone else. "I paid because these guys are my friends and I wanna show some support." Yeah. A thriving nightclub NEEDS your ten bucks to stay afloat.
People who suggest that deodorant is a bad thing because it masks the natural pheromones that we produce that are used as sexual signals. Yeah, baby. Nothing turns me on more than a girl who smells like a rotten yak carcass bloating in the sun. So that explains why I don't have a harem of dozens of women who want nothing more than to satisfy my every sordid whim: Because I don't have horrendous B.O. That's LOGIC-O-RIFFIC!!
People who go out in the freezing cold wearing shorts. "Well, it's 31 now but it's supposed to get up to 40 by this afternoon."
People who slap their knees, stamp and clap loudly when they laugh. Who is the show for? Where can I get tickets?
The New York Post: Official Tabloid Newspaper of Gossipy New York Catholics. This crappy rag, which spoils the fish that it wraps, plus the New York Daily News almost have the combined journalistic integrity of the Weekly World News, and yet every single day, a zillion retarded New Yorkers buy, read and BELIEVE this shit.
The inverse Quality/Volume ratio of music played in people's cars.
Rappers who make all their music about egotism, greedy materialism, revenge, violence, intimidation and murder of enemies, crime and promiscuous sex who win a Grammy and get on-stage and say, "Yo, first of all I wanna thank God. Yo, Big Man! Big Ups, Yo!"
Laugh Tracks on TV shows. Wait a second. Is the show so fucking bad that you have to POINT OUT when something "funny" happens?
Homogenized Goth Poetry. Just because you wear pancake makeup, it does not make you a gifted writer. That's why all your poetry sounds the fucking same as almost every other goth kid's poetry.
Women who have had one baby and think that it basically makes them an obstetrician and transforms them into ever-flowing fountains of un-asked-for advice to expectant mothers and new parents.
People who ask me for help on the computer who don't do what I tell them. "Click there. There. No, THERE. RIGHT THERE. SEE THAT? CLICK IT. NO! THERE! AAAAGGGHH!!!" Right about then, I turn into a giant amoeba and absorb them. "Mmmmm. Tastes like Stupid."
People who feel smart when they quip clichéd pseudo-profundities. "Why are we here???" "Seriously. Why are you here? Go away."
People who readily admit that they are superstitious. "Well, I'm pretty superstitious." Superstition is, by definition, the belief that forces that aren't real have a real control over the real world. To say that something involves superstition is to assume that the principle follows this pseudo-science. To say, 'well, I'm pretty superstitious,' is to say, 'well, I know it's not real, but I believe it anyway because I'm stupid and gullible." If you know that believing in something requires being superstitious, and STILL believe in it, you're retarded. Whoops. Did I just say the "R" word? Yes. Yes I did.
People who's entire sense of humor revolves around quoting movies. Sure, referential humor is funny if it's PART of your sense of humor, but not if it's all you've got. How many "Holy Hand Grenade" and "Unladen Swallow" jokes can you possibly make? HA.......HA. Yeah, I saw Monty Python and the Holy Grail too. It doesn't make me a master of comedy. Sorry if this bursts your bubble, but it's time you knew the truth. "The truth? You can't handle the truth!" HAHAHAH! Get it? Get it? "Can't handle the truth!" Get it?
Punk Rock kids who beg me for spare change. Look. I am most definitely into nonconformity and individual expression, but if it comes at the expense of not being employable, don't press me to give you free money out of my own pocket. My job requires that I cut my hair and wear a suit Monday through Friday. Don't expect me to bankroll your rebellion. If you had a disability or a mental illness, then I would feel sorry for you. As it stands you are unemployed because you CHOOSE to have funny hair and a face full of metal. If society was totally accepting of punk hair, punk clothes, exotic piercings, and tattoos, they wouldn't serve the purpose of individual rebellion that they do, and hence, wouldn't be interesting anymore. Want to reject society? Fine. Money is part of society, so don't fucking ask me for any.
Bands that have been around for three years who have a Greatest Hits Album, a Remix Anthology, Multiple Biographies, a VH1 Unplugged show, a DVD Live Tour Video and a DVD Collection of Music Videos.
How are Super Heroes supposed to fight crime when they can't see? Why are their eyes ALL SCLERA WITH NO PUPILS OR IRISES?
People who use the phrase "Hip-Hop Culture." Absence of culture is not counterculture. Culture has the effect of making you more refined, not more unrefined. Don't get pissed, and don't try to play it off by saying I don't know how to relate. How many bouncing girls in thongs can you possibly squeeze into your videos and still try to pass yourselves off as legitimate artists?
Mannequins with erect nipples. What are they so excited about? Surely not the Walmart clothes they're wearing. Actually.... uhh... umm... nevermind... maybe pointy nipple dummies are, uh... kinda ok..... (grope grope) WHAT? STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!
Planned Communities. If I'm going to drop a half a million dollars on a house, the Neighborhood Association can eat my ass if they think they can dictate what color I paint my mailbox.
Guys in public restrooms who make audible piss-gasm sounds. "UHHHOAAHH OHHHAAAHHH AHHHUUHHHHH!!!" I know you feel relieved, but fucking control yourself. Yes, there is something traveling through your urethra. No, it is not a substance that warrants a chorus of loud moaning.
People who think of themselves as foreign cinema fans and in tune with Asian culture because they saw "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon."
Damn those Irish! Always cutting up their soap with their pocket knives!
Fark.com. Who needs new, original content when you can just pinch everyone else's? "Linkity linkity link! Content? Oh - I almost forgot! Insert 'France Surrenders' joke here. FRANCE SURRENDERS! GET IT?? HAHAHAH FRANCE SURRENDERS! YAY! I'M GONNA SAY IT AGAIN BECAUSE IT NEVER GETS OLD! WALKEN GIVES WHEATON A RIMMER (n.s.f.w.) AND FRENCH ASSHATS SURRENDER!! YAY! HAHAHA!! Be sure to Photoshop this pic of two ASSHAT guys watching FRANCE SURRENDER on TV. Hilarity ensues!...... ASSHAT! HAHAHAHAH!!! ASSHAT!"
People who think that Alcoholism is a Disability and that people with this "illness" should receive the same rights and protections as people with legitimate handicaps. My heart can only bleed so much before it dries up and cracks. Like to drink? Can't stop long enough to show up at work sober? Find yourself a nice refrigerator box, meet your new neighbors under the overpass, and cry me a river. I'm sure there's someone out there who would love to fill your position and doesn't have to have a nip to get his hands to stop shaking in the morning. Am I insensitive? File this under "Nobody's Fault But Your Own." There's only so much bullshit that I can take seriously. They even have scientists working to try to find some gene that makes people predisposed to being alcoholics to try to validate their little "victim with a disease" gibberish. Look. You go to work and you get your paycheck. You deposit your paycheck and get money out as you need it. If you go to the ATM, get money, head to the liquor store and buy some vodka... THAT IS A CHOICE. You did that all on your own. It was an act of your own free will. If you make crappy choices, like spending your money on a bottle of vodka, drinking it all in one night, then going back the next day and spending your money on another bottle of vodka, you just make really shitty choices on a regular basis. Why should I feel sorry for someone who created a huge problem for himself when he had the chance to alter his flawed behavior years ago, and instead chose to perpetuate it? MURDERED BY DARWIN.
Contemporary Jazz. Say what you want about me not 'getting it.' I know generic fucking elevator music when I hear it.
Guys who take longer in the morning to fix their hair than all the contestants in the Miss America Pageant combined.
Girls who think that every other girl on earth is a fake bitch who's full of herself. Here's a hint. YOU'RE a fake bitch who's full of herself.
Bald guys with comb-overs. You're BALD??? Boy, you had me fooled. That greasy finger-width strip of hair running from ear to ear like a headphone band gives the perfect illusion of a full head of thick, healthy, wavy hair. Let me just get something straight... You think this IMPROVES your appearance?
People who say, "Pffft! Whatever." when they lose an argument.
The rebirth of the SHITTY LITTLE MUSTACHE. Look. If it takes you a year to get your mustache to the density that I can just over the weekend, then guess what - YOU CAN'T GROW A MUSTACHE! TOUGH LUCK!
Anyone who thinks of No Doubt, Blink 182, Avril Lavigne or Green Day as "Punk." Sure they're punk. Punk enough for Zoog TV on the Disney Channel or the Kids' Choice Awards on Nickelodeon or maybe the front cover of Teen People or Tiger Beat magazines.
Guys who own a Disney or Warner Brothers cartoon necktie. Basically, you're not elegant enough for anything formal and too stuffy to come across as relaxed. I think it's best summed up in three words: BAD FUCKING TASTE! "Taz" is about as classy as a zebra-striped wedding dress... BUT NOT QUITE.
Gender Specific Hair Dye. Why is it that hair dye for women advertises quality and natural looking colors that don't fade and won't damage your hair, and men's hair dye advertises that it COMBS IN IN FIVE MINUTES WITH NO RINSING. Do they think men are THAT fucking lazy and stupid?
That crap where guys wear their pants with the waistline under their ass with their underwear sticking out and roll up one pant leg to the knee. Congratulations. You're the hippest retard in the world. Somewhere out there, someone just won a bet. "See! I told you we could get people to publicly disgrace themselves like that to be trendy. Now pay up!"
"Mean People Suck" stickers. We do not! SLANDER! And to the plebians who snickered at the responding "Nice People Swallow" sticker... You're even more annoying and idiotic than the original sticker.
Morality crusaders who try to ban porn. Look. Obviously it's a product that people want, or it would go away on its own from lack of demand. People actively seek it out even if it's not advertised. Can you say the same for Christianity? If people wanted God as much as they want Porn, there would never be a need to evangelize and convert, and there definitely wouldn't be the petty, vengeful need to threaten people with Hell for noncompliance. You could build a church on every block and they'd still be pushing your fucking doors down.
Techno fans who regard Aphex Twin as some ingenious guru of electronic music beyond the reach of any criticism. "So what if his music generally sounds as if someone put some broken glass, pots and pans and a bucket full of marbles in the dryer at the laundromat. He's amazing!!"
People who go to a restaurant and order a filet mignon and then ask the waiter for ketchup. "May I recommend a nice Syrah to accent Monsieur's Thirty Five Dollar Big Mac?"
People who think that the TV show, "E.R." is the best thing that has ever happened to them.
Mike Myers' Fans. "HAHAHA Doctor Evil made a lame joke and only he thought it was funny! HAHAHA Fat Bastard isn't fat anymore, he's all saggy! HAHAHAHA The guy has a mole on his face and everyone gets fixated on it!" Look. You KNOW what joke is coming, and they're all pretty much the same. It's time to stop thinking that everything that guy does is genius.
Walkmen that beep when you press the buttons. BEEP! Oh, thanks for telling me I hit a button. See- I wouldn't have known that just because I pressed my finger against it and felt it make a click and heard the next song start playing. Thanks for the audible confirmation, because the music I'm listening to is not nearly as important to me as your beeping noises.
Women who don't have lips who smear bright lipstick around the razor-like rims of their mouths.
Those puny headphones that come with every walkman that have horrible pingy treble and farty distorted bass. Are you trying to insult me? It doesn't matter if it's a 20 dollar am/fm radio or a 300 dollar mp3 walkman. They ALL come with the same way-below-par headphones. Why not just put the rack of headphones next to the rack of walkmen? I just throw them away anyway, so why not just save the plastic? Wouldn't you rather have people be able to hear that you make a high fidelity product? Then why are you giving them headphones that sound like absolute shit?
People who go on and on about how pretty Julia Roberts is. She's so pretty... just like the Joker from the first Batman movie. Some men's magazine rated her the 5th most desirable woman in the world, beating out women like Jessica Alba, Rachel Leigh Cook, Jennifer Conelly, and that Dorito's chick (like anyone remembers her name). When I read that, I went, "WHA-HUHH??????" and my eyeballs fell out of my head and rolled under my desk. They got all covered in lint and dust, and I rinsed them off in the sink, but they were still all scratchy.
Educational video games. Parents... Who the fuck do you think you're fooling? What fun! If I answer the math question correctly, Darth Vader says "The Force is Strong With This One." If I answer it incorrectly, Darth Vader says "All Too Easy!" Who needs 'Return to Wolfenstein,' 'Unreal Tournament' or 'Diablo 2' when you have THIS? "Get that 'Neverwinter Nights' shit away from me! I wanna play MATH BLASTER 3000! I'm up to level three and the long division KICKS ASS! Hey Mom, can I have more brussels sprouts? YUM-YUMMY!"
Ghetto girls who wear 2 inch airbrushed acrylic nails and huge hoop earrings with their name in cursive in them. Classy.... Reeeeaaalll classy... and SO ORIGINAL.
Anyone who has a sticker of the Linux Penguin on anything they own. Computers are there for completing work and enjoying entertainment, not just for marvelling at the "magic" of "oooo - it's a computer." "What do I do with it? You mean like... design or music or games or writing or something? Ummm well ... I have an uptime of 4 weeks. You wanna see my benchmarks?" And for all those morons who have trouble with reading comprehension, I didn't just say that Linux was a bad operating system, so you can just save it. Maybe if you would stop typing ASCII art for a minute, you would regain your reading ability. As far as I can tell, there are two groups of people that use Linux: 1. Companies and programmers that NEED it and 2. Kids who want to brag because they're running a non-windows OS.
"Magic Eye" pictures. See... if you kinda squint, and cross your eyes a little, and focus as though you're looking past it, and start by holding it close and then slowly moving it away, you'll see the secret... THAT IT'S A BUNCH OF MEANINGLESS SQUIGGLY LINES!!!!
Yogurt. Hey, Look! You're holding a full 8 ounces of LIVING BACTERIA in your hand! Go ahead! EAT IT! Fruit on the bottom? Well of course. They had to feed it something.
Robin Williams Heart Warmers.
People who hear I don't like fish who go, "Have you tried Halibut? Do you like Lobster? Do you eat Shrimp? Are you Allergic? Do you like Oysters? How about Clams? Crab? What about Sole? Everyone likes Sole. Well have you tried it? What about Sushi? Calamari? What about Sturgeon?" LOOK! IF IT SWIMS, I DON'T FUCKING EAT IT! CHOKE ON A FISHBONE! ...SOON!
Spanish Speaking People who call New York "Nueva Jork." Look. I understand that you're translating, but you CAN'T TRANSLATE A PROPER NAME. New York is the fucking name. How about I start referring to Los Angeles as "The Angels?" Sounds pretty stupid, right? Right. So knock it off.
Little Hood-Rats who act like every trivial little thing is REALLY dramatic.
"AWWWWWWWWW SHIT, YO! THIS COLA IS MUTHAFUCKIN COLD AND REFRESHING, SON! DAMN!"
Yesterday I saw a guy in a Ford Escort with fingerless leather driving gloves.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (breathe breathe) a-heh - a-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH.. heh .. a-heheh .. whew... (cough)
People who become a drunk or a junkie and then go to rehab and come back bragging. Look. Being a fuckup and then fixing it brings you back up to ZERO. NEUTRAL. You fixed a problem that YOU caused. That doesn't make you a HERO. It makes you a former (and probably future) fuckup. When you spill something on the floor and then wipe it up, you don't get a fucking trophy. Hitting restart when your video game character dies doesn't mean you win! I was NEVER a junkie. Where's MY parade? Don't fucking preach at me! See, you might have overcome a shitload of obstacles, all of which you created yourself, and are now a fruitarian with no vices, but I've NEVER had a drug or alcohol problem, so take all that self righteousness and shove it up your ass.
Occasionally I get emails or messages online with suggestions for this list. The most common suggestion I get is, "My slut ex girlfriend,<NAME>, because she's a bitch." In a way, you guys have helped me write this one, but probably not the way you would have hoped...
DUMBASS PSYCHO-STALKER LOSERS WHO THINK THAT THEIR EX GIRLFRIENDS ARE BITCHES BECAUSE THEY MOVED ON AND CONTINUED TO FUNCTION HAPPILY AFTER WISELY DUMPING THEM FOR BEING IMMATURE MAN-BOYS, WHO ARE SO PATHETIC THAT THEY WILL TELL A TOTAL STRANGER THAT HE SHOULD PUT AN ENTRY ON HIS WEBPAGE TO DEGRADE A GIRL HE HAS NEVER MET, WILL NEVER MEET, AND COULDN'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT.
Guys who think that "casual" means slacks, short sleeved button down shirt tucked in with a "fun" tie. Yeah. Real casual there, Thurston P Howell the Third.
Immigrants who have been in the US for 20 years who don't speak English nearly as well Balki Bartokomous.
People in the US who don't speak any English who get frustrated at me because I don't speak their foreign language. You know, because it's MY fault that they don't speak a word of English in an English speaking country. This lady came to my door today asking me something in Spanish. I politely said I only spoke English. She winced at me and then continued asking me questions in Spanish, but now with an irritated tone to her voice. When she paused for a response, I said , "No hablo Espanol." Now she was pissed. She rolled her eyes and made that frustrated mouth smacking sound (you know the sound) as she flicked a dismissive 'brushing away' hand gesture as if to say "fuck you, you worthless sack of shit," before indignantly making an about-face and storming out of the building lobby. Yeah, that's right. Be mad at me because you're too ignorant or stubborn to learn the language of the nation where you live. THAT MAKES SENSE. Yeah, she totally has a right to be pissed off since she speaks only one language and it's one which 10% of people in the United States understand (and most of those also speak English), while I'm so stupid that I speak a language that 99% of people in the United States speak, which she doesn't know. To get an idea how stupid this seems to me, picture me living for years in Uzbekistan, ranting, "What the fuck! Doesn't anyone here speak fucking English?"
Children born in th US who still don't speak a word of English by the time they're six because their parents speak only a foreign language at home. Great way to put your kids years behind the other kids at school, Mom and Dad. You've ensured them a bright future.
Businesses in the US who place people in customer service jobs who speak NO English. I was having a problem with my kitchen sink, so I called the building management office. This lady answered the phone who spoke only enough English to tell me that she spoke no English. "Emmmmm... Emmmmmm Not to understanding you. Emmmm... Emmmmm... Manager call back you, ok?" I gave her my number and was not surprised when the manager did not call me back.
Street Preachers. If these bastards keep interrupting my morning subway nap by screaming their fucking brains out while walking up and down the car, I swear I'm going to give them the express train to the hereafter. How convenient and credible that EVERY ONE of them claims that they were a homeless crackhead redeemed by the "POWer of GAWD!!!!" Go back to being one. Crackheads make less sound and don't live very long.
People getting out of elevators who act like those two groundhogs in Warner Brothers cartoons. "You first." "No, no. after you." "I wouldn't hear of it. You first." "Perish the thought." GET THE FUCK OUT! With three people trying to get through a 4.5 foot wide door in 10 seconds, NOBODY should have to hold it open. Get out before I drag you out by your lapels. "Oh my! How vulgar."
Street Fighter, Street Fighter 2, Street Fighter 2 Turbo, Street Fighter 2 Champion Edition, Street Fighter 2 Hyper Fighting, Street Fighter 2 The New Challengers, Street Fighter Alpha, Street Fighter Alpha 2, Street Fighter 3 New Generation, Street Fighter 3 2nd Impact, Street Fighter Alpha 3, Street Fighter 3 3rd Strike, X-Men vs Street Fighter, Marvel Superheroes vs Street Fighter, Marvel vs Capcom, Marvel vs Capcom 2, Capcom vs SNK, Capcom vs SNK Millionaire Fighting....... THINK UP SOMETHING NEW YOU LAZY FUCKERS!
Idiots who get so drunk they can't even see three or more times a week who say, "You've tried ACID?? LSD?!?!? OH MY GOD! YOU'RE INSANE!! I would NEVER fuck myself up like that! That stuff will fuck up your whole life! Don't you have any clue how bad that is for you? Maybe you should get help."
British people who have a thick British accent when they speak, who sound like they're from Ohio when they sing.
Real Player and Quicktime. When you install them, they attempt to assimilate your computer and take over so that their media players handles EVERY type of media file. The only reason I even installed your crappy ad-ware products is so I could play .rm and .mov files. Don't feel so fucking important.
Interview talk shows like Leno and Letterman. Who fucking cares what Jennifer Love Hewitt thinks about ANYTHING?
Alien "Grey" stickers, logos, figurines, etc.
People who think that being a vegetarian or bisexual is the same thing as being an intellectual.
Girls who's handwriting looks like a series of inter-connected big round bubbles. Bonus points for bubbled dots on lowercase i's and j's.
When priests get busted molesting little boys, they always send a news crew to the church to interview the parishioners, and they always say the same things. "He's a good, kind-hearted man. He's done so much for the community and we're going to stand behind him." Yeah, I guess it wasn't your kid who got raped.
People on IRC who bicker over what car is better. Here's a hint. You're having a dick-waving competition in text form with 50 pathological liar nerds who haven't had sex since Jean Luc Piccard took command. Does that make you feel cool? It shouldn't.
People who hate Hillary Clinton for being a woman with a backbone and make "who wears the pants" jokes about her. Sorry if having a First Lady who's not the President's Lap Dog offends you. If anything, her greatest crime was not being prissy and helpless enough for a stupid backwards country to love her.
Glow Stick Kids at Raves. Yeah. You're really showing your individuality by dancing the exact same way that all the other glow stick kids do. You're so mesmerizing and cosmically in tune with the universe through your little plastic thingies. And for an added thrill, let's attach the glow sticks to strings and then twirl them. Wow. I've never seen THAT before... well, except for when I looked across the floor and saw 20 other people doing it. Thanks for making a huge gap of undancable floor, by the way. Nothing is more fun than getting pelted in the head while I'm trying to dance. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure you're thinking, "you're just mad because YOU can't do it." I also can't fit a beer can in my urethra. But hey! Practice makes perfect.
Disney. Fear my evil corporate media army of anthropomorphic animals with celebrity voices! We will absorb lesser media entities until we rule all media transmission with the glazed, emotionless shark-like eyes of Mickey Mouse glaring out of your television screen like some Orwellian nightmare! All they are is an unfeeling factory that cranks out cartoons that all look the fucking same. The cartoons are so homogenized that a character from any Disney cartoon could be inserted into any other Disney cartoon and not look foreign. The characters always have the same huge eyes and the same overexaggerated movements. They focus so much on giving the characters expression that every movement becomes an overblown caricature and characters' mouths move to the words as though they don't have any bones in their faces, but rather, a series of gyroscopes and elastic belts. If a human opened his mouth as far as a Disney character did, there is no way that he could form words and not sound retarded. I'm so sick of anthropomorphic animals. Last year it was a Llama. This year it's a horse and a stupid blue koala/mouse/gecko that speaks in gibberish. Am I the only one who imagines that some Creative Department guy's job was on the line and he blurted that idea out across the boardroom table in a cloud of horror with images of a "will work for food" sign flying through his head? "Maybe we can do a Lion this year." "We did that one already." " What about a traditional fairy tale?" "Name one we haven't done already." "Ummmm.. What about movie about Mice? Mice are cute and fuzzy." "Uhh, remember MICKEY? (serious look)" "Shit! Ummm... What about a guy who lives in the jungle among a whole bunch of anthropomorphic animals? They could sing songs and EVERYTHING!" "We DID that... TWICE!!" "Fuck! Uhh Shit, I donno! How about a Fucking BLUE MOUSE KOALA GILA MONSTER THAT GOES 'BLEEBER FLEER BLOGOLOO BLERG!' Please don't feed me to the anthill like poor Jenkins!!!" "Have a cigar, son!" "Whew!"
People who have no clue as to the chemical properties of common household items. I knew a 36 year old woman who accidentally stuck herself with a pencil and the graphite "lead" broke off under her skin and she was afraid that she was going to get lead poisoning. Yeah, I'm really sure that they're going to put a cylinder of real lead in the hands of every child in the world and make them sharpen it to a point and then smear it on notebook paper for twelve years of school. And what's the deal with people who think that a Double-A battery contains acid that's corrosive enough to quickly burn a big hole in the hull of the Nostromo?
Why is it that every time I see someone with a baseball hat or t-shirt with a labor union logo on it, they're fat and claim to have a bad back? "GOL-DAMN! I work almost 30 hours a week and only get five weeks of vacation! The management is mistreating its workers! We should go on strike! My buddy Dave got fired last week, and he had only had five write-ups for bad job performance, fistfighting with coworkers, and drinking on the job! That ain't right! The contract says we get SEVEN write-ups! They can't just go and fire someone like that out of the blue unless they've been given due warning! Yeah, I can see that the storage bin is on fire over there, and yes, I know I'm sitting within arm's reach of the extinguisher, and yes, MAYBE it caught on fire because I flicked my cigarette in it, but you'd better go get someone else to put it out. I'm on break for another fifteen minutes, and if you don't get someone to put that fire out, I'll complain about unsafe working conditions."
Transition effects on webpages. No, no... I didn't want to see your page right now. I wanted to wait for it to FADE IN first. After all, that's why I came here.
Cashiers who make you wait for them to straighten out the bills you handed them so they all face the same way. Look! It has a fucking ONE on every corner, front and back, so you can tell what it is no matter which way it faces! If you need for all the bills to face the same direction so you know what denomination they are, you're fucking retarded and don't deserve to be employed as a cashier. If you're so concerned with making things tidy, why don't you go get a nice janitorial job so you don't have to interact with people like ME who will despise you for being so fucking anal retentive.
Health wingnuts who go on and on about chemical sensitivity and free-radicals. "Ahhh - They must have cleaned the carpet over the weekend and it's releasing some sort of fumes that are making my eyes water. " "I don't smell ANYTHING." "Really? This is really messing with my chemical equilibrium. I can taste the chemicals in the air." "Really? Then GET THE FUCK OUT! I don't need to sit here and be annoyed by some pretentious twit who's Spider Senses are Tingling. You're complaining about toxins that are either IMAGINED or far too faint to be perceived by the human olfactory center. If it bugs you that much, why don't you just fuck off, you fucking hypochondriac?"
Mary Fucking Kate and Fucking Ashley FUCKING Olsen. What's the fucking appeal of some monkey-faced brats who have made a living on being cute when they WERE NEVER EVEN CUTE? We KNOW they were never cute since we've been fucking subjected to their Pug faces since BIRTH! They look like those fucking TROLL FIGURINES, and yet they're among the richest people in Hollywood. The people who joke about, "Hey Dude! They're almost LEGAL!" make me want to smack someone in the eyes with a bat. THEY AREN'T HOT! NOT EVEN SORTA-KINDA HOT! They have average bodies, flat pug noses and just otherwise look like dopey kids. The fact that they're famous doesn't make them hotter than 70% of the girls that you actually know, so shut that shit up. Don't even get me started about Bob Saget, Dave Coullier and John Stamos.
People who think they're being a nonconformist by being a Goth, Punk, Emo Kid, or Candy Raver. You might not be wearing Gap Khakis, but you've chosen another preset design. I like your lip piercing, but you can't claim it as a mark of your individuality when there are boatloads of stores where you can select a lip ring from their display case of hundreds. Off the beaten path? Yeah... maybe by a few inches.
RnB music. If it wasn't hackneyed, banal, trite, unevolved crap they wouldn't have to use singers who look like models and porn stars to sell it.
People who complain about webpages having frames. What's so hard to understand? MENU! CONTENT! That's really farout, huh?
People who complain about the appearance of a webpage based on trivial things. "This has got to be the ugliest site I've ever seen! You overused grey and black. What's with the generic 'followed link turns purple' shit? Couldn't you be any more original? I'm not coming back, because you used Garamond font and I HATE Garamond! Only retards use Garamond! Are you retarded? You should use Blogger and do your page in white, blue and light green - like me... and most of the people I know! Fucking Garamond dipshit!"
People who think that coffee is cold if it's not hot enough to cauterize their throats shut permanently.
Cab drivers who pull over when you hail them and ask, "Where are you headed?" "Uptown." "Nahh- I'm going downtown." What the fuck is the point in being paid to drive people around if you're only willing to take them if they happen to be headed in the same direction you're going already? Isn't that the whole point in me paying you: that we go where I want to go?
People who think that "Stairway to Heaven" is the greatest and most profound musical accomplishment ever made in human history. Sorry, but you "American Pie" and "Freebird" fans aren't allowed to laugh at this one.
Anything over 140 pounds in spandex.
People who use "Culture" as an excuse for not exploring expanding themselves culturally. There are people for whom culture plays a far greater role than individuality. I once teased a friend for only listening to RnB and Rap. He replied, "I'm black. What do you expect me to listen to?" I replied, "Yeah, well I'm white and I think Country music sucks." Culture is a strong and necessary pillar for developing your mind and tastes, but it's a beginning point, not an end. Your Culture is your paintbrush, but your Individuality is your paint and it comes in an endless variety of colors. A paintbrush is just a tool for moving paint around, but in the end, all anyone will see is the paint on the canvass. Before you discard this idea as me being biased, keep in mind I made no suggestion that you should like what I like. Be Objective.
Hi there. I'm David Arquette. Cast me in your movie as "the wacky guy." I'm not particularly funny, and I'm not really capable of serious acting, but I can give you my sisters' phone numbers.
People who have a cupboard or drawer with 178 pounds of plastic grocery bags in it. They always say the same thing: "I ..... uhh ... use .. them ... for .. uhh ... things ............sometimes." Yeah - looks like you're doing a bang-up job using them up, you fucking pack rat. Here's an inventive new use for them. 1.) Take one bag. 2.) Put as many bags as you can into this bag. 3.)Discard. 4.)Repeat until cabinet space is empty.
"Promise Keepers." These are christian men who get together in big arenas and churches to hug and pray and cry. They are firmly for women staying in the home doing "women's work" and purport to be absolutely anti-gay. Y'know... there's a reason why I'm not homophobic and it's pretty much the same reason why I don't cluster together with a bunch of men to cry and hug... BECAUSE I'M NOT GAY! If you guys would get over the whole "Jesus hates gays" thing, you could have an exquisitely decorated apartment in the East Village and live without hating anyone at all. Admit it, you deluded holy rollers! You dont watch "The Wizard of Oz" with your kids because it's good family entertainment. You like it because Judy Garland was FABULOUS!
People who are not legitimately Color Blind who look at something that's green or purple and call it blue. "It's in that blue folder... right there - the blue one... no, no - the blue one... yeah - that one." "This is green, dipshit."
People who watched "The Net" or "Hackers" and believe in their hearts that a computer virus is the scariest thing in the world. "OH MY GOD! My computer crashed. WHAT DOES IT MEAN???!!!"
People on crowded stairways who don't mind making 100 people wait because they want to let their two-year-old climb the stairs by himself instead of carrying him. "Awwww! Iddn't him just the cuuutest widdle thing cwimbing da stairs all by his widdle self, gonna make me late for werk! Awwww! Uh-oh! Wooks wike baby go Whoopsie-Daisy!" *KICK! Clump clump clump thumpity clump clump slap SHRIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEK!!! *
"Movers"
"Hey - I think I'll pick up this thing that I have no business touching and put it on the other side of the room under some papers so the person it belongs to will have to dig for hours in a cloud of fury trying to find it later. Actually, while I'm at it... How about I just THROW IT AWAY. I don't do this because I'm passive-aggressive. I do this, simply, because I'm stupid and annoying."
The fact that I can't buy a DVD of Barton Fink, 1984, Naked Lunch, and other great movies that have been out for years, but of course I can buy Heartbreakers, The Mummy Returns, A Knight's Tale, Pluto Nash, Spy Kids 2, Ballistic: Eks vs Sever, Pearl Harbor and other COMPLETE DOGSHIT only two or three months after it was in the theatre. (updated May 2003: They finally released 1984 with a fucked up non-original soundtrack that replaces the interesting Eurythmics score, and they finally released Barton Fink.)
Politicians who tiptoe around the Teen Pregnancy Issue. "Should we give them contraception?" "Should we postpone sex ed or let them take it earlier?" "Should we put religion in the schools?" Fuck that shit! I have a method that is 100% effective and will help put a dent in the ridiculous human population explosion! MANDATORY ABORTION until you get your BREEDING LICENSE at EIGHTEEN... IF and only IF you PASS A TEST ON YOUR COMPETENCY! You say, "But Abortion is WRONG, because (singing) Jesus loves the little children!" When that guy was around, there were only an estimated 250 million people on earth. Now there's 6.5 BILLION, so the way I see it, he has no basis for a legitimate opinion on the matter at all. Fuck what that guy says. There are too many fucking humans in the world! Why the fuck do you think YOU deserve to be allowed to make another one... or two... or five? Because you live with your Mom, have a promising part-time job at McDonalds and a pothead boyfriend who told you he loved you more than those other two girls who had babies with him who haven't seen a dime of child support, and he almost seemed like he was really sincere?
The "Bass Booster" control on most walkmen. Gee wow! It's a button that makes the bass sound DISTORTED. Let's face it. Decent headphones have a good bass response anyway, and crappy headphones never will, no matter how much you make the bass sound MORE FARTY.
Trendy fashion. "I know. We'll make a garment that's weird and outlandish, then press it as 'the new look' so it sells millions of units, then in 4 months we'll get all the fashion critics to joke about how it's 'so out of style.' That way we can keep people buying new clothes when their old clothes are perfectly functional by making them neurotic about looking funny." When trendy fashion takes low rise pants, thongs, bare midriff tank-tees, and the overall skintight look away from women, I am going to be one angry man.
Fat, zitty nerds who haven't had sex in the past 3 years who look at a Victoria's Secret catalogue and try to play it cool by trying to FIND FLAWS. "Nahh - I never really thought Tyra Banks was all that hot." Uhhh.. Riiiiiiight. Go back and watch some more Farscape and try not to cry as you masturbate while staring at that grey chick while reminiscing about when you lost your virginity to the second of two girlfriends you have ever had at the age of 26, and you haven't had sex since and it's been three years. Yeah, yeah. It's because you're just realllly selective. Riiiiiiight.
Ibiza dogshit techno. It's bad enough that this developmentally stunted form of electronic music, which embraces and exaggerates everything that was tiresome and corny about early 90's rave music exists at all, but is there some fucking law that dictates that there MUST be a girl in a silver bikini with huge breast implants on the cover of EVERY album? I guess since it all sounds exactly the same, they need to make the sale with testosterone power. "Whoah! Boooobies! Awesome! (Hit's Play) Kinda sounds the same as all that other anthem shit. Ok.. There's the obligatory girl singer talking about 'freeing your mind and feeling the feeling of the feely feeling thing... Hmmm. The boobies cheated me once again! I guess I'll toss it over there on the heap with the rest of them." Original? Inspired? Interesting? Progressive? HAH!
Guys who's hip-hop slang includes referring to their mother in plural. "I talked to my Moms on the phone the other day."
IRC users (usually spammers and cyberers) who know approximately 4 english phrases, and manage to butcher them. "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!! I am make the fuck on U! Ur horney? I am touch your breasts. U have big breasts huny? A/S/L PLZ?"
NE1 WANTS CHAT WHIT ME!!
NE1 WANTS CHAT WHIT ME!!
NE1 WANTS CHAT WHIT ME!!
NE1 WANTS CHAT WHIT ME!!
People who, in this day and age, stand in front of a copy machine for ten minutes pushing every button except the BIG GREEN ONE, trying to figure out how to make a simple copy of one page.
People who think they're Jesus because they know how to make copies on a copy machine.
People who use the office copier for five minutes and leave it in a state where all it will print is reverse images in negative at 2% size on little origami swans.
People who set the copier to make a million copies, then when the tray is out of paper and the copier stops, they decide that it's enough copies, pick up their stack, and walk off without refilling the tray. Then when the next person comes by and refills the tray, the copier tries to print the other 999,904 copies.
The Sad, Sad IRC Love Connection Thing. On one side you have a fat girl who thinks she's hot shit since desperate nerds hit on her all day, and on the other side you have a zitty guy who thinks that somewhere out there is a girl who looks like Anna Kournikova who frequents #AD&D on Dalnet who would love to stroke his hair while he reads LEXX fan fiction to her. And the amusing part is that both of these losers think they're too good for the other.
People who put so many java, html, and macromedia tricks on their webpage that it makes my browser gag, then when it finally loads it seems to be a page devoted to marketing their web design "skills" and NOTHING ELSE. "Hire me to design a webpage for you so your viewers can listen to their hard drives churn with their modem lights solid green for five minutes." Usually when I see a "loading" animation on a page I just close the browser. You think I feel like watching five minutes of Flash animation that basically says, "Welcome?" Is your menu really the most important part of your content? Then why is it sucking up all my bandwidth by loading 75 separate images? Oooh - Nice creative touch with the run-of-the-mill clip art and animated gifs EVERYWHERE. Gee! I've never seen that green rotating 3d skull before! Wow! The way you made the text float over the stationary background picture is awesome because it makes my browser scroll slower! Also... No matter what soundcard your viewers have, your midi file of "Enter Sandman" by Metallica is still going to sound cheesy as hell. Just don't.
The fact that when bad stuff happens to non-christians, christians think that it's "the wages of sin," and when bad stuff happens to christians, they compare it to the "Trials of Job," or say, "Well, the lord works in mysterious ways."
Joan Rivers. "Oh my GAWD! I can't believe how tacky that dress is on that gorgeous, talented 23 year old who made more money on her second movie than my old haggard ass has made in my whole career! Gag!"
People and advertisements that call cars "Sexy." Aren't we taking this "Hot Car / Small Penis" compensation thing a little too far? What would Freud say? "Fast?" OK. "Sporty?" Sure. "Stylish." Fine. "Sexy?" Shut the fuck up.
Those color contacts with the textured looking iris patterns on them. Wow! The way your pupils look like they're permanently dilated and floating off-center makes you so beautiful. I always wanted a girlfriend with eyes that look like she pulled them out of one of those dolls that closes its eyes when you lean it back. They say the eyes are the window to the soul. Why do you feel like the windows to Teddy Ruxpin's soul are more interesting than your own?
People who think that if the first date went well, and you don't show up for the second date with a ring in your pocket, that you have a fear of commitment. The only rings in my pocket on the second date are CONDOMS.
Euphemisms. I heard a news show the other day call a handicapped person "Differently Abled." Differently? No, no. SPIDERMAN is Differently Abled.
The way VH1 throws the word "DIVA" around like so much confetti.
Retarded Bible Thumpers who think that Atheism and Satanism are the same thing. If I don't think Batman is real, it wouldn't make much sense to believe in the Joker.
Guys on the train with headphones who are "feelin' the music." Dude. Shut up. If you would take off one of the phones so you could hear yourself, you'd be embarrassed at how stupid you sound.
Anyone who owns a cowboy hat. Ropin' cattle today? No? Then go fuck yourself.
People who pronounce "Mischievous," "miss-CHEE-vee-us." What's sad is that 30% of the people reading this are thinking, "Well, then how is it pronounced?"
People who bitch because when I update this page, I put the new stuff in random locations instead of just adding it to the top. That bugs you, huh?...... (evil snicker)
Anyone who truly cares what celebrities do in their private lives.
Christian Fundamentalists. "I don't see this perfectly evident truth because my Bible tells me that it's not true. Hmm. A Neanderthal skull? Hmm. Sorry- No, but it is a rather interesting rock- what, with its tooth-like structures and eyesocket-like holes and its perfect bilateral symmetry and all. So what does this vaguely skull-shaped stone have to do with me?" Intentional Blindness. So uhhh - that must have been a pretty big bathtub drain to suck down Noah's flood. So did the water get sucked into space or is the center of the earth filled with water? (In which case, the earth during the flood would have been hollow and would have been crushed by the weight of the water). Please explain. So early humans found every dinosaur that ever lived and buried their bones deep in the ground so future biologists would be confused into thinking man didn't coexist with dinosaurs? I mean, after all, Humans and Animals were both created at like 12:03am EST on Saturday, right? Assholes. And stop using those weak excuses for retorts, "God Works In Mysterious Ways," and, "It was a MIRACLE!" It would be a Miracle if you fucktards would ever think logically.
People who use the word "Gay" meaning "Lame." As in, "That movie is so gay." People who say "Gay" meaning "Lame" are "Gay" meaning "Gay." Hey, big guy. The truth hurts sometimes. Ignore me. Just go back to watching your beer commercials or something.
MAH-EH (Martin) Lawrence
Fake pockets in men's suits. I know it would just fucking KILL you to give me some real pockets.
My shower. It doesn't do "warm." The water that comes out of my shower is in one of two temperatures: "sleet," and, "hot enough to cook a chicken." What's worse is that anytime someone in the building decides to flush the toilet or fill up an ice cube tray, it can instantly jump between these two extremes. It also has just slightly more pressure than it needs to break the water's surface tension and come out of the showerhead at all.
Telemarketers. I mean, COME ON. Don't you EVER get tired of people slamming the phone in your ear? I'm not going to feel sorry for you and buy your shit just because you made bad career decisions. In fact, even if the product being offered is a good thing, I'm still going to refuse to buy it JUST BECAUSE YOU CALLED ME AND PISSED ME OFF. Could you have ANY self esteem left? If you do, use the very last trickle of it to take off the headset, clock out, and walk out the door. And for all you Door-To-Door assholes. If you're going to insist on being a Direct Advertising Drone, maybe telemarketing would be a safer option for you. I can shoot through my door, but not my phone line.
People who ask me what type music I like, then when I say, "electronic," they squint. Then when I try to clarify by saying, "Like techno," they go, "OHHHH! Like Fatboy Slim!" or "Hey - you know that song 'Blue'?"
New York City drivers who think that the lines in the road are there merely as a polite suggestion.
People who believe in ghosts and angels. Get a fucking grip on reality. Do you need for me to elaborate further?
People who call me while they're watching TV.
RING RING
"Hello?"
"Hey Mike! What's up?"
"Oh, Hey! What's goin' on?"
"......................."
"Hello?........"
"......................huh?"
I saw a teenage guy on the train today who was morbidly obese who was wearing red and yellow Marylin Manson-esque color contacts. "FEAR ME! I AM UGTHOR THE DEVOURER, DESTROYER OF KING DONS! I HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR SOUL AND MAKE BUTTER AND MAYONNAISE SANDWICHES!!!"
The fact that nobody's really messing with Curious George or Darth Chenney for being elbows-deep in the Enron cookie jar, but they wanted to impeach Clinton for getting a blowjob.
People who practice their form for flipping people off so they cock their knuckles to form sharp, exaggerated angles. Lots of free time and even more class, eh?
Asshole crybabies who go to bars and throw a temper tantrum because they don't have the brand of liquor they like.
"I'll have a Wild Turkey and Coke."
"Sorry, we don't have Wild Turkey."
"Wha... but... but... NO WILD TURKEY?!?!"
"We do have Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Maker's Mark, Old Grandad, Canadian Mist, Canadian Club, VO, Ancient Age, our house brand of whiskey as well as a whole bunch of different Scotches and Bourbons..."
"No Wild Turkey?!?! PFFFT! Just give me a beer!.... Do you have Pete's Wicked Ale?"
Tax Exemption for Religion. Let's face facts. Running a Church is a BUSINESS. But it's tax exempt. Why? It's proprietors make loads of profit, but unlike a regular business, there is NO PRODUCT. It's the only business where the only expenses are the maintenance of a building and utility bills. Other than that there are no actual Production Costs at all, simply because there is NO PRODUCT. The economy is in a rut and they want to raise the Defense Budget. Our Social Security system is going down the drain. You want a quick and lasting fix? TAX FUCKING RELIGION.
Movies about SPORTS. Sorry, but you have a really stupid concept of human drama. And no, you are not going to make me care.
The way that the electronics industry collectively decides to change the color of their stuff every year so you can look at someone's home stereo and know the exact age of every component. This year it's light silver. Last year it was black. The year before that it was metallic brown. Give it a fucking rest.
The Porn window that KEEPS COMING BACK no matter how many times you close it.
The fact that everyone on Ebay seems to think that every single object manufactured more than two years ago is "RARE! MUST SEE! OUT OF PRINT! DISCONTINUED!"
Nickelodeon.
"Sir! We seem to have a show on our channel that is truly hilarious!"
"Hmmmmm... I see."
"The jokes are off the cuff and well thought out. What should we do?!?!?"
"QUICK! Cancel it and put reruns of Three's Company and My Three Sons on in its place!"
"YES SIR!"
The way Christians capitalize pronouns relating to god such as "Him, His, He, etc.." I don't even capitalize pronouns relating to people, and THEY'RE FUCKING REAL!
Anyone who uses the term "Playa Hata." Contrary to what you seem to believe, we don't hate you because we're jealous. We hate you, simply, because you're a narcissistic, self-congratulatory bag of liquid rhino shit. No, no. Put your gold chain down. We didn't ask to see it, and its impressiveness is kinda canceled out by the fact that you live with your mom. Your jacket cost 300 bucks? Is that supposed to prove to me that you're financially secure, or that you are good at wasting money? Anyone who's financially secure could easily afford it, though financially stable people seem to be less interested in using all of their money for silly, superficial peacock displays. Isn't it funny how many jewelry and beeper/cell phone stores are in shitty neighborhoods? SUCKERS! People who brag about having money usually don't have any. There was this dipshit on the train today. He kept hitting on girls by yelling, "Yo, Baby!" then he would pull out a stack of 20's that looked like MAYBE 100 bucks and fan them out with both hands, fan his face with them, kiss them, then put them back in his pocket. He did this on THREE SEPARATE OCCASIONS. Somebody please shoot this shithead. The whole thing looked very choreographed and practiced. What does he think he's proving? "Hey, baby. I'm a breadwinner because I have ONE HUNDRED WHOLE DOLLARS. I was just on my way to the bank to put a downpayment on a house." Should I state the obvious? A guy who actually bothers to flaunt that he has 100 bucks probably doesn't even have a fucking job.
Nervous natured people who think that calm natured people don't care as much as they do. You're mad because the people around you aren't in a frenzied panic like you? It's not about how much we care. Maybe if you were as prepared, qualified, and intelligent as the people you work with, you wouldn't be such an obnoxious spaz all the time.
People online who tell me how stupid I am... and misspell everything they say.
"Dude. Your links page is really cool. Here. Check out this page of completely generic Playboy Porn and Swimsuit Pics."
Sea Monkeys. Wow, what a delightful pet for children! Brine Shrimp!
"Hey, Daddy! Can I have a puppy?"
"No, Son. But you can have these sqiggly little things for a few days until they settle on the bottom."
People who brag about their mental disorders as though they're cool and constantly try to segue into conversations about them as attention getters. "I hear that movie is supposed to be good." "That's what my therapist says." "Huh??" "Oh uhh - I'm a Manic-Depressive." "Uhhhh .... ok......" Being fucked in the head is something to BRAG about?
People who read this page and ask, "Don't you like ANYTHING??" I like lots of things... Just not YOUR stupid ass. Generally the people who ask me that question are guilty of 60% or more of the personality-based things on this page, so I really don't care if I impress them or not.
People who brake in their cars while I'm a passenger by jamming the brakes then coasting, then jamming the brakes and coasting, and pumping and pumping the brakes until the car eventually comes to a stop. Look. I like what I had for lunch, and you like your upholstery, but I don't think the two would mix well.
People who speak to someone two feet away from them so loudly that the sentient life on undiscovered planets knows what color their date's underwear was. If your normal speaking voice is SCREAMING, then get a fucking hearing aid and shut the fuck up.
Guys who try to impress people by pretending that they're some kind of VIP at every bar in town. "I'll wait with you in line because they don't know you." When they get to the door, they try to joke with the door guy, who responds by smiling politely. Then the dork pays the full cover, just like everyone else. "I paid because these guys are my friends and I wanna show some support." Yeah. A thriving nightclub NEEDS your ten bucks to stay afloat.
People who suggest that deodorant is a bad thing because it masks the natural pheromones that we produce that are used as sexual signals. Yeah, baby. Nothing turns me on more than a girl who smells like a rotten yak carcass bloating in the sun. So that explains why I don't have a harem of dozens of women who want nothing more than to satisfy my every sordid whim: Because I don't have horrendous B.O. That's LOGIC-O-RIFFIC!!
People who go out in the freezing cold wearing shorts. "Well, it's 31 now but it's supposed to get up to 40 by this afternoon."
People who slap their knees, stamp and clap loudly when they laugh. Who is the show for? Where can I get tickets?
The New York Post: Official Tabloid Newspaper of Gossipy New York Catholics. This crappy rag, which spoils the fish that it wraps, plus the New York Daily News almost have the combined journalistic integrity of the Weekly World News, and yet every single day, a zillion retarded New Yorkers buy, read and BELIEVE this shit.
The inverse Quality/Volume ratio of music played in people's cars.
Rappers who make all their music about egotism, greedy materialism, revenge, violence, intimidation and murder of enemies, crime and promiscuous sex who win a Grammy and get on-stage and say, "Yo, first of all I wanna thank God. Yo, Big Man! Big Ups, Yo!"
Laugh Tracks on TV shows. Wait a second. Is the show so fucking bad that you have to POINT OUT when something "funny" happens?
Homogenized Goth Poetry. Just because you wear pancake makeup, it does not make you a gifted writer. That's why all your poetry sounds the fucking same as almost every other goth kid's poetry.
Women who have had one baby and think that it basically makes them an obstetrician and transforms them into ever-flowing fountains of un-asked-for advice to expectant mothers and new parents.
People who ask me for help on the computer who don't do what I tell them. "Click there. There. No, THERE. RIGHT THERE. SEE THAT? CLICK IT. NO! THERE! AAAAGGGHH!!!" Right about then, I turn into a giant amoeba and absorb them. "Mmmmm. Tastes like Stupid."
People who feel smart when they quip clichéd pseudo-profundities. "Why are we here???" "Seriously. Why are you here? Go away."
People who readily admit that they are superstitious. "Well, I'm pretty superstitious." Superstition is, by definition, the belief that forces that aren't real have a real control over the real world. To say that something involves superstition is to assume that the principle follows this pseudo-science. To say, 'well, I'm pretty superstitious,' is to say, 'well, I know it's not real, but I believe it anyway because I'm stupid and gullible." If you know that believing in something requires being superstitious, and STILL believe in it, you're retarded. Whoops. Did I just say the "R" word? Yes. Yes I did.
People who's entire sense of humor revolves around quoting movies. Sure, referential humor is funny if it's PART of your sense of humor, but not if it's all you've got. How many "Holy Hand Grenade" and "Unladen Swallow" jokes can you possibly make? HA.......HA. Yeah, I saw Monty Python and the Holy Grail too. It doesn't make me a master of comedy. Sorry if this bursts your bubble, but it's time you knew the truth. "The truth? You can't handle the truth!" HAHAHAH! Get it? Get it? "Can't handle the truth!" Get it?
Punk Rock kids who beg me for spare change. Look. I am most definitely into nonconformity and individual expression, but if it comes at the expense of not being employable, don't press me to give you free money out of my own pocket. My job requires that I cut my hair and wear a suit Monday through Friday. Don't expect me to bankroll your rebellion. If you had a disability or a mental illness, then I would feel sorry for you. As it stands you are unemployed because you CHOOSE to have funny hair and a face full of metal. If society was totally accepting of punk hair, punk clothes, exotic piercings, and tattoos, they wouldn't serve the purpose of individual rebellion that they do, and hence, wouldn't be interesting anymore. Want to reject society? Fine. Money is part of society, so don't fucking ask me for any.
Bands that have been around for three years who have a Greatest Hits Album, a Remix Anthology, Multiple Biographies, a VH1 Unplugged show, a DVD Live Tour Video and a DVD Collection of Music Videos.
How are Super Heroes supposed to fight crime when they can't see? Why are their eyes ALL SCLERA WITH NO PUPILS OR IRISES?
People who use the phrase "Hip-Hop Culture." Absence of culture is not counterculture. Culture has the effect of making you more refined, not more unrefined. Don't get pissed, and don't try to play it off by saying I don't know how to relate. How many bouncing girls in thongs can you possibly squeeze into your videos and still try to pass yourselves off as legitimate artists?
Mannequins with erect nipples. What are they so excited about? Surely not the Walmart clothes they're wearing. Actually.... uhh... umm... nevermind... maybe pointy nipple dummies are, uh... kinda ok..... (grope grope) WHAT? STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!
Planned Communities. If I'm going to drop a half a million dollars on a house, the Neighborhood Association can eat my ass if they think they can dictate what color I paint my mailbox.
Guys in public restrooms who make audible piss-gasm sounds. "UHHHOAAHH OHHHAAAHHH AHHHUUHHHHH!!!" I know you feel relieved, but fucking control yourself. Yes, there is something traveling through your urethra. No, it is not a substance that warrants a chorus of loud moaning.
People who think of themselves as foreign cinema fans and in tune with Asian culture because they saw "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon."
Damn those Irish! Always cutting up their soap with their pocket knives!
Fark.com. Who needs new, original content when you can just pinch everyone else's? "Linkity linkity link! Content? Oh - I almost forgot! Insert 'France Surrenders' joke here. FRANCE SURRENDERS! GET IT?? HAHAHAH FRANCE SURRENDERS! YAY! I'M GONNA SAY IT AGAIN BECAUSE IT NEVER GETS OLD! WALKEN GIVES WHEATON A RIMMER (n.s.f.w.) AND FRENCH ASSHATS SURRENDER!! YAY! HAHAHA!! Be sure to Photoshop this pic of two ASSHAT guys watching FRANCE SURRENDER on TV. Hilarity ensues!...... ASSHAT! HAHAHAHAH!!! ASSHAT!"
People who think that Alcoholism is a Disability and that people with this "illness" should receive the same rights and protections as people with legitimate handicaps. My heart can only bleed so much before it dries up and cracks. Like to drink? Can't stop long enough to show up at work sober? Find yourself a nice refrigerator box, meet your new neighbors under the overpass, and cry me a river. I'm sure there's someone out there who would love to fill your position and doesn't have to have a nip to get his hands to stop shaking in the morning. Am I insensitive? File this under "Nobody's Fault But Your Own." There's only so much bullshit that I can take seriously. They even have scientists working to try to find some gene that makes people predisposed to being alcoholics to try to validate their little "victim with a disease" gibberish. Look. You go to work and you get your paycheck. You deposit your paycheck and get money out as you need it. If you go to the ATM, get money, head to the liquor store and buy some vodka... THAT IS A CHOICE. You did that all on your own. It was an act of your own free will. If you make crappy choices, like spending your money on a bottle of vodka, drinking it all in one night, then going back the next day and spending your money on another bottle of vodka, you just make really shitty choices on a regular basis. Why should I feel sorry for someone who created a huge problem for himself when he had the chance to alter his flawed behavior years ago, and instead chose to perpetuate it? MURDERED BY DARWIN.
Contemporary Jazz. Say what you want about me not 'getting it.' I know generic fucking elevator music when I hear it.
Guys who take longer in the morning to fix their hair than all the contestants in the Miss America Pageant combined.
Girls who think that every other girl on earth is a fake bitch who's full of herself. Here's a hint. YOU'RE a fake bitch who's full of herself.
Bald guys with comb-overs. You're BALD??? Boy, you had me fooled. That greasy finger-width strip of hair running from ear to ear like a headphone band gives the perfect illusion of a full head of thick, healthy, wavy hair. Let me just get something straight... You think this IMPROVES your appearance?
People who say, "Pffft! Whatever." when they lose an argument.
The rebirth of the SHITTY LITTLE MUSTACHE. Look. If it takes you a year to get your mustache to the density that I can just over the weekend, then guess what - YOU CAN'T GROW A MUSTACHE! TOUGH LUCK!
Anyone who thinks of No Doubt, Blink 182, Avril Lavigne or Green Day as "Punk." Sure they're punk. Punk enough for Zoog TV on the Disney Channel or the Kids' Choice Awards on Nickelodeon or maybe the front cover of Teen People or Tiger Beat magazines.
Guys who own a Disney or Warner Brothers cartoon necktie. Basically, you're not elegant enough for anything formal and too stuffy to come across as relaxed. I think it's best summed up in three words: BAD FUCKING TASTE! "Taz" is about as classy as a zebra-striped wedding dress... BUT NOT QUITE.
Gender Specific Hair Dye. Why is it that hair dye for women advertises quality and natural looking colors that don't fade and won't damage your hair, and men's hair dye advertises that it COMBS IN IN FIVE MINUTES WITH NO RINSING. Do they think men are THAT fucking lazy and stupid?
That crap where guys wear their pants with the waistline under their ass with their underwear sticking out and roll up one pant leg to the knee. Congratulations. You're the hippest retard in the world. Somewhere out there, someone just won a bet. "See! I told you we could get people to publicly disgrace themselves like that to be trendy. Now pay up!"
"Mean People Suck" stickers. We do not! SLANDER! And to the plebians who snickered at the responding "Nice People Swallow" sticker... You're even more annoying and idiotic than the original sticker.
Morality crusaders who try to ban porn. Look. Obviously it's a product that people want, or it would go away on its own from lack of demand. People actively seek it out even if it's not advertised. Can you say the same for Christianity? If people wanted God as much as they want Porn, there would never be a need to evangelize and convert, and there definitely wouldn't be the petty, vengeful need to threaten people with Hell for noncompliance. You could build a church on every block and they'd still be pushing your fucking doors down.
Techno fans who regard Aphex Twin as some ingenious guru of electronic music beyond the reach of any criticism. "So what if his music generally sounds as if someone put some broken glass, pots and pans and a bucket full of marbles in the dryer at the laundromat. He's amazing!!"
People who go to a restaurant and order a filet mignon and then ask the waiter for ketchup. "May I recommend a nice Syrah to accent Monsieur's Thirty Five Dollar Big Mac?"
People who think that the TV show, "E.R." is the best thing that has ever happened to them.
WalMart
"Greeters." C'mere and let me shove that sticker up your urethra or get
the fuck out of the doorway. It's a goddamn store, and a shitty one at that.
It's not a good friend's home. Chances are, if I'm at WalMart, I'm not there
to enjoy myself and would rather be somewhere else. Good thing they sell
guns there.
"LooooooL!!!"
Oh really? You're laughing out out out out out out loud? "LOOOOOOOOLSSSS!!!"
You're laughing out out out out out out out out loud plural plural plural
plural?
People
who hate my site, not for my views and ideals, but for USING NAUGHTY WORDS.
Grow the fuck up, you cockslobbering cuntstains.
The
reverse psychology in how music is marketed in the US. It should be the
case that, "They play it on the radio and MTV because we like it."
It's much closer to the truth to say, "They play it on the radio
and MTV because they're trying to sell it to us, and we like it because
we hear it all the time." What's sad is that this formula seems to
work on most Americans. For the people, like me, who aren't affected positively
by this type of mind control (term not used loosely), the effect can only
be described as torturous. "WHAT? AGAIN??? They just played that
shit TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES AGO!!! FUCK YOU, SMASHMOUTH!!!! AAAAAARRRRRR!!!"
David
Blaine. He's a MAGICIAN. He stands inside blocks of ice for three days
and jumps off high ledges into piles of cardboard boxes... because that's
MAGIC.
"George
W. Bush is in office because the election in Florida was rigged. There
was a ballot box missing for a few hours. Ballot boxes don't get 'lost,'
they get tampered with. He didn't even win the popular vote. He shouldn't
be in office. He's doing everything he can to bring about the apocalypse
since he's some wingnut who takes Revelations literally." "Huh?
Oh, that. Ehh... who cares. I'm still pissed because that stupid bitch
won on American Idol. I can't wait to see who wins next. Do you have
any candy?"
Some
Hari Krishna tried to bug me the other day about considering his religion
on the selling point that, "Ram is the same as Allah." ...
Should I actually explain this one? "Here! Try this Sloth Vomit
Sandwich! It's almost the same as a Bat Guano Burrito!"
The
FIFTY THINGS THAT MAKE PORN SUCK
1.) PLOT
Why the fuck do you think we're interested
in your writing? We watch porn for the fucking and sucking, not for the
wooden dialogue, cheesy premises, and your goddamn "Spy Conspiracy" dogshit.
Oh yeah - I'm really sure the American and Russian spies are going
to wind up fucking on the War Room table. I challenge you to ask every Pizza
Guy you meet and see if any of them have ever rung the doorbell and been
invited in by three naked bisexual girls who all look like models. Just what every guy wants: to sit there with the Astroglide drying up while the two idiots, who are absolutely TERRIBLE actors, pontificate on the mysterious disappearance of the case file. How many times have we seen Naughty
Nurses? Lawyer - Client Privilege? Naughty Student Needs To Stay After Class For Extra Credit? Late Night At The Office? Bumping Into Each Other In The Woods?
Fur-Bikini Clad Amazons Who Have Never Seen Men Before, Yet Somehow Know How To Suck Cock Like Pros? Sex-Starved Vampires? Sargeant Tits Keeps Her Platoon In Line? Bad Girls Behind Bars? Wife Comes Home to the Cheating
Husband and Makes a Threesome? Victorian Era Powdered Wig Lasses Getting
Randy? Soon-To-Be-Married Couple Both Out To Fuck Everything That Moves
Before Getting Busted and Messing Up the Wedding? Here To Fix the Plumbing? Cop Shoves His Baton in the Cat Burglar's Pussy and Busts the Case Wide Open? Garage Mechanic with the
Right Tool to Make Her Motor Hum? Stranded On A Lush Tropical Island, Where the Girl Somehow Finds A Way To Always Have Perfect Makeup and Hair? Planet of
the Horny Women with Silver Thongs and Blue Wigs? Please just shut the fuck
up.
2.) UGLY
BASTARDS
Why is it that every porn movie ever
made has like the same five guys who are all as ugly as homemade soap? I
mean, sure - the guy has a schlong the size of a rolled up newspaper, but
seeing his grotesque, pock-marked troll face detracts from "the mood." OH
GOD NO! NOT THE CLOSE-UP OF HIS FACE WHILE HE'S COMING! CHRIST! You'll blind
someone with that shit.
3.) GIRLS WHO MAKE THE SAME RETARDED, CONTRIVED FACIAL EXPRESSION IN EVERY PICTURE
"This is my 'sexy' face." No, that is a dumb looking grimace. It wouldn't be so bad if one girl thought that making a dumb face made her look sexier, but it's really annoying because apparently half of the girls in porn have picked the same face to practice in the mirror. Step 1.) Squint with one eye. Step 2.) Stick your lips out in an unnatural way so as to show your upper and lower teeth. Step 3.) (use this in every second picture) Open your jaw slightly so there is about a quarter inch of air between your incisors. Step 4.) (optional) For variation, tilt your head at different angles so we can see that little tendon thing that keeps your upper lip from flapping around from different perspectives. Holy fuck, you look dumb.
4.) R-RATED
HBO SHIT
Yeah - that's the stuff! Show them
kissing for fifteen minutes with their chests pressed together so her breasts
are covered while rarely lowering the camera below their waists. Any below-waist
shots must be of ass. Kenny G sax solos are a MUST. Show lots of slow motion
shots of her flipping her hair back ecstatically as he vaguely sorta kinda
looks like MAYBE he could be going down on her, but never film lower than
her navel so you can see the top of his head as she runs her hands through
his hair, which seems like it was freshly styled in every shot. In long
shots, be sure to do a side-on view with the girl's legs up around the guy's
head, so nothing shows. Show the girl on top of the guy. If the camera would
go below her hips, you'd see that she's humping his belly. Show the guy
on top of the girl clenching his ass rhythmically so that people who have
never had sex before think that something is going on, despite the fact
that the guy's hips aren't moving an inch. For the grand finale show them
humping very vaguely behind a lamp, a houseplant, under a towel, or behind
a conveniently placed martini glass - anything to cover up what's obviously
not really going on. Make the orgasm really vague with the clichéd
"extended fingers making a fist and grabbing the sheets" scene.
Sweat? What's sweat? Penis? What's a penis?
5.) ABSURDLY
ARTIFICIAL LOOKING OR BOTCHED BREAST IMPLANTS
Uhh - Gee, lady. The way it looks
like someone has shoved two Rubix Cubes in your chest is uhh .. sexy. Good
thing they put the nipples on the very top so they look like PERKY RUBIX
CUBES. Seriously, tits are not supposed to look like two apples under your skin eight inches apart, and if yours look like that, you should consider suing your plastic surgeon and putting on some fucking clothes, not showing the world your botched boob job.
6.) "REALITY" PORN
Like "Reality" TV, this has about as much to do with reality as Alice in Wonderland.
A car cruises around a parking lot and zeroes in on a very good looking young couple. The girl has a PERFECT body and has perfect makeup and hair and is wearing slutty clothes.
"Hey there! Are you two married?"
"Why yes, we are," says the guy who you remember seeing in porn before.
"We were wondering how much money it would take for you to let us fuck your wife."
The guy uses his very best rehearsed insulted voice. "What??!!"
Then the girl, who also has a well established career in porn pipes in. "How much money are we talking about here?"
This leads to the couple considering it, then getting in the car, then of course, it heads along a very predictable path. Look. If you're using porn stars and rehearsed scenarios, there's nothing "real" about it. It's just like that dogshit, "The Real World" or "The Apprentice," or "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire," except slightly more entertaining because you get to see a hot chick suck a dick. Could you make it any more obvious? "Hey - let's see if we can meet some hot chicks!" Then they go to the park where KNOWN PORNSTARS ARE CONVENIENTLY HANGING OUT POSING AS COLLEGE COEDS IN NEED OF SOME EXTRA CASH and they "persuade" them into having sex on camera in about two minutes... you know... like in reality.
7.) SOFT FOCUS
OH BABY! You're so sexy because you're ALL BLURRY. As soon as I clean my contact lenses I'm going to fuck you so hard! *Blink*Blink*Blink* (Drops a couple drops of Visine while rolling on the condom).
8.) PSEUDO-SEXUAL
PLAYBOY DOGSHIT
Ooooohhh. I'm so erotic. Look at
me play with the garden hose. Look at me drink out of the garden hose with
my tongue stuck way out as though the hose is blowing its load in my mouth
even though it's just a water hose. Look at me wash this classic Corvette.
It's erotic because uhh ... it's a soapy car... or something. Mmmmm - this
popsicle is soooo erotic the way I suck on it and let it drip on my airbrushed
tits. Oooohhh - look at me riding this horse naked in slow motion. Watch
me roll naked on the beach and get all sandy. Look at me fondle my own breasts
for a half an hour while the camera keeps panning past me for no particular
reason. It's erotic because they zoom it in and out of focus so you can
actually see me clearly every couple of minutes or so. Oooooohhh - watch
me get this paint all over myself. It's erotic because...... uhhh .....
LOOK! NONE OF THIS CRAP IS EROTIC! KNOCK IT OFF. YOU'RE INSULTING MY INTELLIGENCE.
I'm a fucking ADULT! Stop trying to be clever and suggestive. This garbage
may have made old Hugh blow his load in the 60's but it's fucking BORING
now.
9.) OVERDUBBED EUROPEAN STUFF
Voice of Cliffjumper from "The Transformers": uhhhh uhnng uhhh uhnn
Voice of Daphne from "Scooby Doo": OH OH OH YES BABY OH OH YES THAT IS GOOD LIKE THAT OH OH
Voice of Cliffjumper from "The Transformers": uhh uhnn uhhhng uhhh
Voice of Daphne from "Scooby Doo": OH OH YES HARDER OH UHH YES OH OH OH
10.) PORNSTARS
PAST THE EXPIRATION DATE
Come on, Grandma. Everyone retires.
It wasn't sexy when Blanche from "The Golden Girls" talked dirty, and it
sure as hell isn't sexy watching you get pounded in that pile of floppy
skin that used to be your vagina. It's not Georgia O'Keefe anymore. It's H.R. Giger.
11.) STUPID TEXT ON LINKS
Look. I just want to see some people fucking and sucking. You can take your retarded "taboo" titles for videos and stuff them up your asses. "High School Teacher Fucks Her Students For Extra Credit." The video simply shows some 20-something girl fucking some 20-something guy in a house. No mention of school is even made. "Daddy Makes His Daughter Fuck His Best Friend." The video simply shows some 20-something girl fucking some 20-something guy in a house. "Girl Loses Her Virginity By Being Raped By Her Stepbrother." The video simply shows some 20-something girl willingly fucking some 20-something guy in a house. Am I looking to see scary criminal shit? No. I suppose if I was, I would have been disappointed, but my point is that I don't need to think that some illicit shit is going down to get turned on, particularly when I know it's not, so you can spare me all the bullshit scenarios.
12.) THAT
BIZARRE LONG-DISTANCE TONGUE KISSING BULLSHIT
"Flicker Flicker Flicker."
Don't you fucking EVER touch lips? What the fuck IS that shit? Is that some
sort of insect pheromone detection motion? Would you knock off all that
"Tongues flickering from across the room" shit and just fucking
KISS each other? Guys. Try kissing your girlfriend like that sometime and
see if she laughs at you.
13.) THE "SHOES" FACTOR
Ok. When was the last time YOU wore nothing but shoes? And not just any shoes. Transparent platforms with 10 inch spike heels. What the fuck?
"Oh baby! Take off all your clothes and then put on some shoes that are way too clumsy to walk in so we can have sex. Wobbly ankles really do it for me."
14.) DISTRACTING PHYSICAL ANOMALIES
There's nothing particularly wrong about the scene in and of itself except that the guy has this weird knot-like bump in the middle of his dick. "What is that thing? Maybe it's a wart. I wonder if it's an STD. Could it be a cyst of some kind? I really hope he's not giving that girl some weird infection." Are you turned on? No. You're fucking distracted. Even if the thing is what a doctor would call "nothing to worry about," you don't want to be thinking about doctors, BUT YOU ARE. That bump has totally become the focus and the mood is pretty much destroyed. It's like when I went to this strip club once and there was this girl who by-and-large was attractive, but on her belly she had this really weird dimple about an inch below her ribs off to one side. It was really deep too. It looked like there was someone on the other side pulling a thread. If I'm there to stare at tits and be turned on, I shouldn't be sitting there deep in thought about what that thing could be. "Maybe it's a bullet scar." Point being - if you're casting for porno movies or hiring girls for a strip club, and someone comes in with a third nipple... NO. Now, I think most people who have used the internet for more than an hour and a half know who Kate from Kate's Playground is. Her videos and pictures are plastered on about 80% of all websites on the internet, and for a while I thought of her as a girl with a pretty nice body who made fairly boring videos, mostly of her ALMOST getting naked. I admit, I thought she was pretty hot.... then horror struck. Someone posted a video titled "Kate's Hoof" or something, and this girl next door transformed from something to whack off to to something to buy a ticket to see at the fair. Yes indeed, she has a deformed foot that seems (she usually does a fair job of consealing it) to have two large toes... and that's it. The effect is that now when I see a video of her, I'm not sitting there turned on at all, I'm sitting there transfixed, wondering if I'll get to see what the fuck is up with her foot. For all these guys who spend their lonely time scouring the internet to see a "Camel-Toe," you really need to check out Kate, because she's got the real deal.
15.) THAT GOOFY TEETH BREATHING SHIT
"OHH YEAH!! (Hissing inhale through clenched teeth) LIKE THAT, YEAH! (Hissing inhale through clenched teeth)" I know some people really do that, but some of you girls really overdo it in the movies. It's just like that lame, hackneyed dialogue. Fake as fuck and blatantly obvious.
16.) RETARDED MAXIM / STUFF / SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT ISSUE NON-PORN
"Whoah, look! She's MOSTLY NAKED! Oh man! You can kinda even vaguely make out the shape of her nipples in this one if you blur your eyes and squint just right! I hear in the next issue they're gonna have Brooke Burke! Man, she's fuckin' HOT! I mean, I know they had her as the covergirl two issues ago, and they had her as the cover girl maybe four months before that, but I just can't get tired of ALMOST getting to see her naked! I hope that issue comes out soon, or I'm gonna have to go jack off to the Sears Catalogue some more!" OK! Brooke Burke is hot. WE GET IT. But guess what, there are a lot of other girls who are just as hot, and lots of them SUCK COCK ON CAMERA. These magazines are marketed as porn - SO JUST MAKE THEM PORN. Any magazine that's marketed solely on "wow - look at this naked-ish chick" is fucking porn, so get over the whole peek-a-boo bullshit and go for the fucking gusto. It's PORN! Make it REAL porn instead of just "Wow, she's a PRETTY, PRETTY girl!" Buying these magazines to see hot chicks over just looking at porn is like turning down a vacation in Italy because you have some Spaghettios in the cupboard.
17.) THE INTENTIONAL GROSSOUT FACTOR
Jesus fucking Christ. Do you have to jam your cock so far down her throat so violently that you can hear her fighting to control her gag reflex so she doesn't puke all over the place as a giant bubbly stalactite of throat mucus drips down? Yeah, I know nothing turns me on more than having hot, liquid, partially digested caesar salad swirling around the end of my dick as she gags violently. I'd like to think that the guy's dick isn't acting as a cork so she doesn't spew. Also, I know anal scenes have become the norm, but I really don't need to see the girl farting out cum as her ruined, distended rectum pushes out like a bleeding meat tube sock. Yeah, great. She can put a giant dick in her asshole. I'm very happy for her. Would it be too much to ask to not have to see her ass gaping like a wishing well? Also, I enjoy seeing a girl swallow a gob as much as the next guy, but not out of a fucking glass, not off a plate, and not off the floor. Fine. She has cum in her mouth. It can stay there, or she can spit it out. Don't make her pass it to her friend's mouth , who passes it to her other friend's mouth, who drools it into her friend's gaping asshole, who in turn has it licked out by the guy from whom it came (no pun intended). Today I saw something I had not seen before, and believe me, I've seen a lot of stupid shit. This girl was sucking this guy's dick, and of course he was forcibly jamming the back of her head really quickly so she was making that delightful "GLUCK-a-GLUCK-a-GLUCK-a-GLUCK" gagging sound in the back of her throat. Of course she was covered in about a quart of her own mucus with more dripping down in a giant bubbly stalactite that went from her chin to her belly, but that apparently wasn't enough for the guy, who looked like a cross between Adair from the Upright Citizens Brigade and Kenny G. with tattoos, so he's like "GET IT ALL GOOD AND NASTY!" and then he grabbed the back of her hair and yanked her head off his dick hard enough to cause whiplash, then he leaned down, did that truck driver "hork" noise in his throat, and hocked a HUGE loogie into her open mouth and then shoved her mouth back on his dick. Since when was spitting mucus into someone else's mouth sexy? Am I behind the times? It's not like she didn't have ENOUGH slobber of her own. Her whole damn body was covered in it. I mean, okay. You're fucking someone. You're licking every orifice and yes, there's a lot of fluid swapping... BUT WHAT THE FUCK? While you're at it, why not just fucking blow your nose on her? What's the fucking difference? I watch porn to get off, not to lose my fucking lunch.
18.) MIDDLE-OF-THE-ROAD
QUASI-PORN A-LA HUSTLER
This is that crap where they ALMOST
show something going on, but NOT QUITE. "Oh baby! The way your dick
is ALMOST touching me is making me make a jaw dropped orgasm face! Here,
let me hold my tongue four millimeters from the tip of your dick as though
I'm actually doing something. In the next shot they'll show me with my hand
around the end of your dick and covering my mouth so it looks like something
is actually happening! Oh yeah, baby! Touch my pussy with your hand but
NO INSERTION! It gets me so hot when they take a picture of you looking
like you're doing me doggie style from an angle where your crotch looks
like it's pressed against my ass but isn't really! The way my hair hangs
over your whole crotch makes it appear like i'm deep throating you, but
really I was thinking about how I have to go pick up my dry cleaning after
we finish this photo shoot." What's worse is they often make REAL PORN and then edit it down and crop shots so you can't see the actual fucking. They'll show a long shot of the girl naked, then when she sucks the guy's dick the video looks all grainy because they zoomed the shot and you can only see from her nose up. SHE'S REALLY SUCKING THE GUY'S DICK, BUT YOU WON'T SHOW IT! WHAT THE FUCK?
19.) TERRIBLE CAMERA ANGLES AND LIGHTING
Look. Nobody is paying to see the guy's ass, the back of this bitch's head going up and down or the guy gaping his mouth. Also, if there's fucking going on, and the camera is pointed at it, and all you can make out is some squishing in darkness, fucking FIX it.
20.) AUDIBLE DIRECTORS
"That looks nice. OK, look over here. Look over here for me, OK? Smile for me. Is that working for you? Wow, that looks nice. OK, now really fuck him. Fuck him hard. Let's see your face. Give me a few more seconds of those eyes. Nice." HOLY FUCK! SHUT THE FUCK UP, SCORCESE!
21.) GETTING TO KNOW YOU... LIKE WE GIVE A SHIT
The scene starts out with some mostly-clothed girl on a couch talking to the dipshit behind the camera.
"So what's your (fake-ass) name?"
"Jade."
"Hi Jade, and how old are you?"
"I'm nineteen." (The girl is always 18-22)
"Wow. What kinds of things do you like, Jade?"
"Well... I like swimming... and of COURSE I like sex... a lot TEE-HEE-HEE!"
"How old were you when you first had sex?"
"I was sixteen."
"And what do you like to do?"
"Well, I like to blah blah blah blah..."
WHAT THE FUCK? The fucking AVI IS 280 MEGS and half of it is this idiotic race to the intellectual bottom between the chowderhead director and this semi-retarded slut. Do I give a shit if she likes riding horses? NO! And neither does anyone else. All people give a shit about is if she's hot and if she can fuck and suck. Nobody gives a shit if she's named Gaia or Marielle or Brandi or fucking Darth Vader. If I was really interested in really getting to know women, I probably would be GETTING TO KNOW WOMEN, NOT WATCHING FUCKING PORN. If any guy is watching porn and thinks for a split second, "Hey... I like music and the outdoors too... I feel a real connection to Teagan, here... we would get along great if we ever met," just seriously fucking kill yourself. You've reached the absolute bottom of pathetic and there is seriously no hope for you. Please stop wasting my air, food and water and just fucking do what you have to do. Yes, suicide is the answer and I don't give a shit what some bible belt court says about Judas Priest, I'm giving you solid, sound advice. Kill yourself.
22.) GUYS
THAT GET REALLY VOCAL
"UHHH!! YEAHHH! OHYEAHHH!! AAAA!!!
GODDAMN!!! AAAAAAAA!!!!! UHHHHH!! SUCK IT LIKE THAT, YEAH!! UHHHH!! OH MY GOD!!!! OHHHHH!!! UHHUHHHH!! YOU SUCK IT! YES! OH YES! YESSSSS! OH GOD AAAAA!!!! AAAA!!!!"
SHUT THE FUCK UP! You scream like a fucking bitch. Please try to remember that you're just something to stick in the girl. That's who people are watching. Nobody gives a flying fuck about you, so stop trying to be the star, idiot.
23.) THE
"PATTERN"
When I was twelve, I could have never
imagined even joking about what I'm about to say. Porn has gotten fucking
BORING. There's never any variety. There's never any spontaneity. There's
never any natural feeling or improvisation because they always stick to
the same old tired unspoken instruction manual. The scene opens. The couple
walks into a room. 98% of the time this is a modern, opulent and lavishly
decorated bedroom or living room. In the case of a living room, there MUST
BE an L-shaped leather sofa. At this point, the couple are discussing some
plot point that nobody gives a rat's ass about. One person is very concerned,
while the other is aloof. They sit down and continue talking until the aloof
partner offers to "cheer up" the concerned partner, who, of course,
offers absolutely no resistance. Cue music. There is some very brief kissing
and breast play, immediately followed by them each giving the other head,
in turn. The aloof partner always gives head first. Cue the "open mouth
head thrown back panting and groaning cam." In the case of women, the
hair is always thrown back repeatedly, and there is lots of quivering and
loud gasping. In the case of men, there is always some guy gaping his mouth
and occasionally going "Oh yeah," while holding the girl's hair
back so the camera can get a good shot. After each partner has given the
other head, but not to the point of orgasm, they fuck in an assortment of
three positions out of the seven or so that are commonly used in porn (anal
optional): doggy, girl straddling guy facing, girl straddling guy away,
girl's legs on guy's shoulders, girl on side with one leg up - guy straddling
other leg, both partners on side - guy in back, and finally, girl lying
on table or couch or row of bar stools or other horizontal surface with
guy vertically hammering her. The last position of the ones listed above
is usually used as the "finishing move" to facilitate the obligatory
pull-out / jack-off / facial cumshot.
24.) CLUMSY SEX
After a scene where all you can really see is the guy's anus and his balls flapping around, they decide to switch positions. The girl turns over, then the guy sits down, and she looks confused. Then she starts climbing on the couch and nearly falls because her high heel got stuck on a cushion and she has to use both hands to grab the guy's shoulder and the side of the couch so she doesn't bust her ass. The guy just sits there looking dumb. She finally positions herself and then the guy starts poking his dick around trying to find the hole. Squish... bonk.... smush... The girl finally takes the guy's ever-softening dick in her hand and inserts it manually. Great. We're finally getting somewhere. Pump, Pump, Pump... OH SHIT! It came out. Smush..... blorch.... miss, miss, miss... (manual insertion) pump, pump, OH SHIT! It came out again. Squish.... Oh wait - he got lucky this time and it went in on its own... Pump, POIT! It came out again. Uhhhh... ok let's switch positions again....
25.) RUINED ASSHOLES
We appreciate that you can take a fat dick in the ass, we really do, but if your asshole distends into this scary venus flytrap thing or looks open when it's not even being touched, as though you could drop a softball and the asshole would just swallow it up, it's TIME TO LEAVE IT ALONE FOR AWHILE.
26.) THE SUDDEN DETOUR TO WHAT-THE-FUCK-VILLE
Everything is progressing along a fairly normal and predictable route. The girl is pretty hot, the action is nice, nothing really weird is going on. You're feeling the vibe, getting turned on.... then suddenly, HORROR. Now, I'm not one to press for ratings or warning labels, but if something like CHEST SHITTING or GIRL FISTING A GUY'S ASSHOLE is going to be included in the deal, I'd like to know ahead of time.
27.) GUYS WHO HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO DO WITH BREASTS.
Here's a tip, mongoloids. THEY AREN'T CLOWN HORNS, and there is nothing sexy about squeezing them as though they are. HONK-a-HONK-a-HONK-a-HONK! NO.
28.) JUST CHILLIN'
Picture series of naked girls just hanging out being naked. They're not doing anything particularly erotic, just maybe stripping, you know, because starting out clothed and ending up not clothed is just CRAZY. The end picture of the series is often the only one to show some pussy, and even then it's not like anything is being done to it, it's just there.... hi, pussy. Maybe I'm demanding, but it takes more for me to get off than the peak of your picture series getting me up to the "Yeah, she's pretty" stage. Fucking SNORE!
29.) PSYCHOS
Of course one of the things that makes sex fun is risk, and role playing is interesting, but sometimes you get people in porn who act as though they want to become aggressive for real, and maybe other people feel differently, but that pretty much kills the mood for me. I saw this one recently that bugged the shit out of me. They had this really hot girl fucking this ugly as fuck guy (nothing new there) and at first he was being somewhat degrading by forcing her to gag on his dick. That's nothing really new either. Then he started holding her nose shut with his fingers and forcing her head on his dick by pulling and pushing her nose. He was basically preventing her from breathing, and there was a definite feeling that when he would let her stop gagging and come up for air, it was something he was allowing, that he was in total control and the girl wasn't allowed to breathe without him letting her. At his point there was a definite negative vibe going on. The girl was visibly not having fun. Then they start fucking. The girl is finally starting to relax and things are proceeding more along a predictable path. Of course the guy is making the most hideous face ever, but that could just be attributable to being an ugly asshole. The girl seems to be having a good time and the guy starts whispering to her, and things turn creepy again. "You love me right? You love me?"
"Yeah."
"You love me? So what would you let me do to you?"
"Huh?"
"Would you let me do anything to you?"
The girl goes with the flow. "Yeah."
"Would you let me kill you?"
The girl seriously sounded scared. "What?"
"You'd let me kill you right? I could kill you." The guy wraps his fingers around her neck and applies some pressure. The girl visibly DOES NOT like this.
At this point the scene cuts. My guess would be that the director was like, "CUT! CUT! CUT!...... WHAT THE FUCK!"
So in the next scene the girl is on top of the guy and he doesn't say much, just making his hideous face. Finally the girl stops looking terrified and seems to be feeling good, as she is starting to make noise. After about two minutes of what seems like healthy fucking and the girl making the standard issue "oh oh oh" girl getting fucked noises, the guy suddenly pulls her off of him, covers her nose and mouth with his hand and pulls her face close to his and looks her right in the eyes, you know like how murderers do in movies, and he hisses at her, "You shut the fuck up! Just shut up! I'll kill you! You shut the fuck up!" The girl is petrified. Her eyes are filled with terror. The scene cuts again and the next scene is the standard issue cumshot in the mouth. Yeah... that shit ruined my whole day.
30.) RETARDED SEARCH ENGINE BULLSHIT
When I made the entry about Ugly-As-Fuck male pornstars, I went on Google to try to find some of the examples that I could think of, though I didn't know their names. I figured these guys were fucked up looking enough that other people might bitch about these guys' disgusting faces and I might get some names so I could link to some examples. Nope. Thanks to all these idiotic porn-site operators who put text on their site with EVERY possible search query for porn, I got nothing but complete bullshit. I typed in "Ugly male pornstars" thinking surely that would be specific enough. EVERY link on the first two pages of Google's search results was just a long string of garbage. The average result looked like this.
"free pornstar lesbian pics naked gay male pornstars joy raymond nurse grand island ny. free pornstar movie clips young gay sucking ugly male pornstars,
black ebony pornstars black pornstar janet jacme ugly male pornstars hot pussy free porn fucking a librarian pornstar black pornstar midori sexy
Hot sexy pornstars getting fucked, ugly people male porn stars granny post porn star bios , family incest pictures. free porn star pics ebony porn stars drunk mom sucking cock pornstar flower men sucking penis
Asian porn stars sex key seamed nylons female pornstars male foot fetish pussy galleries pornstar movie gallery how to masturbate ugly people women
cardcaptors sakura hentai teacher upskirt
straight male porn stars adult short stories star wars cartoon porn hot pantyhose porn star auditions nude athletes, vintage porn stars ugly pussy
allysin chaynes straight male porn stars pink pornstars upskirt shows free upskirt mpegs ugly bondage and domination lilo and stitch hentai pee shower."
Fuck you. No, seriously. (All copy-pasted, by the way.)
31.) SHIT THAT SHOULD BE EDITED OUT BUT ISN'T
Recently I saw this video with this girl whose "juice" or whatever looked like fucking yogurt or something. It really didn't look normal, and it would make this drooly line of thick white goop on the guy's dick. It looked like someone had jammed a vanilla ice cream cone way up in her and it was slowly melting out. Apparently the guy who was fucking her realized something was out of the norm too, because after every 15 seconds or so of pumping, he would stop and take his thumb and wipe the goop off and then wipe his thumb off on the side of his leg. This one could really be filed under "Distracting Physical Anomalies" but I think it gets its own category since all they needed to do was fucking cut when the glop was getting out of control, wipe it off, and then roll cameras again, but no, they left in the guy wiping it off, so you got this effect like, "Mmmmm, she looks good.... What the... What the fuck is that? For fuck sake! Eww.... Fuckin'.... Oh now the dude is grossed out too and he's wiping the shit off. Ok... Well.... She looks good again. Hmmm, that looked sick.... Well maybe it won't come back.... Ugh, there it is again... Guh... Dude is wiping it again... Hmmmm.... Ok, time to watch something else." Oh, and if you're going to be shooting a scene with a girl's pussy VERY close up, and she has a CRUMB OF TOILET PAPER ON HER ASSHOLE, fucking FIX it... OFF CAMERA.
32.) "TASTEFUL" PORN
Aww, isn't that sweet? She's naked sleeping with a flower in her hand. Awww and in the next picture she's naked playing with a little kitten. Awwwwwww and here she is laughing and running on the beach.... Ahem... Let me explain something that I think is pretty basic. People look at porn and whack off while imagining that they are FUCKING THE LIVING SHIT out of the girl in the picture. The last thing I want is to try to mix XXX rated fantasies with your retarded G rated cuteness. So you can take all those pictures of naked girls in ballet slippers, naked girls looking wistfully out of windows at the sunrise, naked girls taking naps and naked girls brushing their hair in front of antique vanities, and stuff them up your asses.
33.) OBVIOUS FAKE LESBOS
Of course, every pervert like me really enjoys watching two girls getting nasty with each other. I'll take watching a girl making out with a girl over a girl making out with a guy every time. However, there are times when I'm watching some lesbo scene and it is completely obvious that one or both of the girls is really not into girls at all. Great. Clumsy tit sucking, reluctant pussy licking, and general not-wanting-to-be-touched, just what I came to see. If I'm watching a porn scene, any porn scene, whether it's straight, bi, lesbo, whatever, the vibe should be (even if it's just faked well) that the people in the scene are turned on, not that they're thinking, "FUCK! I really don't want this bitch licking me but I need the fucking money. Maybe I can get through the part with me licking her if they give me some more coke." Oh, and I know there's an idiot in every crowd who hears praise of lesbo scenes and thinks it's hypocritical to like watching lesbians while disliking watching gay men. And uhhh... let me just explain something that I think is basic. Licking pussy is nice, torn man ass sphincters are not. Watching a girl getting fucked in the ass can be a bit brutal to watch at times too, but the fact remains, that girl ass is nice, and man ass is gross.
34.) THAT AWFUL "WAILING BABY" SOUND THAT JAPANESE WOMEN MAKE IN PORN
You know, nothing says "I'm enjoying this" more than a shrill cry. I don't know whether to rub one out or change your diaper. "EEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Holy fuck! STOP! I mean, I know that 90% of Japanese porn is about eating shit and vomiting and shoving live squids up assholes, and apparently the Japanese porn-viewing public can't get off unless they think the girl in the video is underage and being raped, but STOP!
35.) PEEK-A-BOO
Most cam sluts seem to fall in this category. They ALMOST get naked... then they cover up. Then they ALMOST show a nipple... then they cup their tits with their hands. Then they pull their g-string down low in the front so their vulva is ALMOST showing... then they turn around. The whole video will be like 5 minutes long, and at about 4:57, for the first time, you get to see a nipple.... IF YOU'RE LUCKY... BUT THEN THEY BLOW A KISS AT THE CAMERA AND TURN IT OFF, and often you never EVEN get to see a nipple. It's as though the whole point of the fucking video is them NOT showing you shit. You think that shit is enticing? You think it's alluring? Uhh... No. You know what it is? ANNOYING AS SHIT. Look. You're 99% naked playing with your tits and rubbing your crotch. FUCK YOUR 1% RESPECTABILITY AND GO FOR THE GUSTO, WHORES. We're watching you because we're frustrated. Don't "help us out" by making us MORE frustrated. Whenever I see that "Camwithher" logo in the corner of the video, I just turn the shit off. "Check out this video of Brandi's hot body." *Click* .... Meh.... Camwithher.... fast forward.... fast forward.... 80% still not showing any nipple.... 90%.... 95%...... 99%.... done..... and not a nipple to be seen.... FUCK you! I feel sorry for whatever kind of idiot actually PAYS to see that shit. "Boy, I bet they get fully nude and suck cocks and shit if I pay." You poor fool. You'd do better spending your hard earned cash on a pile of dogshit. Even on the site it says "This is a non-nude website." It's PORN, you retarded fucks! PORN IS NUDE. GOT THAT? Know what you call a stripper with her clothes on at the end of her routine? FIRED!
36.) TIME TO MAKE THE DOUGHNUTS
Could anything be more unarousing than watching two people fuck who are obviously bored as hell? They try to throw in the stock "Oh yeah uhhh's" and "Yeah like that oh oh oh's" but there is definitely something missing. The guy is pumping away, not really putting any extra effort into it while the girl's face looks like she's waiting for a lunch break. She looks around the room and eventually makes eye contact with the camera, at which point she visibly remembers that she's being filmed so she shuts her eyes and opens her mouth a little wider to try to act like she's having a good time.
37.) "THAT'S A GOOD GIRL"
This is generally said right as a girl is taking a really huge sphincter-tearing cock in her ass or having a gallon of semen shot all over her face. As if the act itself isn't inherently degrading enough, the guy is talking to her like a pet. I personally am not turned on by guys talking to girls as though they are cocker spaniels. If someone wants to find videos of horrible things happening involving cocker spaniels, I'm sure they're out there somewhere. Keep that kind of talk off of the video I'm trying to watch which stars only humans.
38.) DISTRACTING MID-ACTION BULLSHIT
I just watched a video that made me want to punch my monitor about once every 7 seconds. This really good looking girl was sucking this guy's dick, and it was apparent that she knew what the fuck she was doing. However, the retarded guy talked to her NON-STOP about COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT SHIT and every few seconds, she would STOP, TAKE A THE COCK OUT OF HER MOUTH and ANSWER HIS IDIOTIC QUESTIONS. HOLY FUCK! SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT UUUUUP! "Glug, gluck, gluck.... Well I went to the university of Michigan and that's where I met my first really serious long term boyfriend.... gluck.. gulp.... Nah, he was on the baseball team.... gulp.... Nah, I was never really a fan of baseball.... gluck.... Hehehe, nah, it wasn't like that..... gluck.... Well, he came from the south and was pretty traditional.... gulp.... Yeah....... No, I wouldn't say that. He was really into sports and I liked going to his games but I wasn't really a huge fan or anything, I mean, I was there because my boyfriend was there and because..." HOLY FUCKING SHIT! WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP! STOP FUCKING TALKING, YOU RETARDED ASSHOLES! BITCH, STICK THE COCK IN YOUR MOUTH AND SUCK IT. ASSHOLE, GET YOUR COCK SUCKED AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. SHUT UP!!!!!!!
39.) THAT JUVENILE "PILE OF GIRLS" CRAP
Maybe my opinion on this is colored by the fact that I never saw cheerleaders standing in a pyramid as anything more than idiotic bitches who got way too much unwarranted attention, but I really don't get this phenomenon. Okay. You are a porn photographer. You are standing in a studio with five good looking naked girls. You can tell them to do basically anything you want and they will do it because they're pretty much just whores who need cocaine money and don't quite have the skills needed to work at McDonalds and will do practically anything for whatever amount of money you're paying them. Should you have these five girls engage in a hot, slobbery, sweaty, finger probing, clit licking, oil smearing dildo-fest? HEAVENS NO! THAT'S NOT SEXY AT ALL! WHO THE FUCK WOULD BE TURNED ON BY THAT? GROSS! NO! Instead have them lock elbows and stand in a straight line. Then have them make a pyramid on their hands and knees and take a picture of their asses. Then make them get into a vertical pile so the five pussies are all lined up. They make them all lie on identical beach chairs while wearing identical sunglasses. Then make them all lay on their backs with their feet all touching in a star shape. Then make them all spoon. Then make them all lie side by side on the floor so their asses look like waves. Wow... making geometric shapes with naked women sure beats all that smutty, dirty licky sucky stuff. I mean WOW! Five girls... and they're.... NAKED EVEN! BOY! They sure are pretty..... God, repeating motifs get me so fucking hard! By the way, the image above is Not Safe For Work, and by that I mean, if your boss catches you looking at it, he will think you are too retarded to work in the company.
40.) GIVING DILDOS BLOWJOBS
Yeah, that's productive. I bet that piece of plastic is really turned on. Look. Practice on your own time. If you're going to stick something in your mouth, it should be part of another person.
41.) RAP AND R&B USED AS BACKGROUND MUSIC
Uhhhh.... I know that you're all retarded and smoke tons of pot and whatever, but leave your fucking horrible taste in music out of your goddamn cheesy cam girl video. OH GOOD! THE "WHISPERING SONG" IN ANOTHER PORN VIDEO. *MUTE*
42.) FRANK WANK
Frank Wank has sex with really hot porn-stars. That should be a good thing. However, the entire time he's fucking them, he's cracking retarded jokes and playing the role of "audible director" (see above) in this, for lack of a better term, faggoty as fuck voice that makes Fred Schneider from The B52s sound really butch. Wow. How appealing. A giant flamer having sex with a hot pornstar. Joy. I mean, there are very few things on the planet that I enjoy looking at more than Jade Hsu sucking a dick, but it's almost completely ruined by this idiot begging her to eat his ass and waving his finger and saying shit like, "No teeth for Dadday," and "Oh, look. You made that ball stick out funnay." I like watching porn with SOUND. Don't make me fucking turn it off.
43.) GROSS AMATEUR SHIT
You know, I'm sure you love your girlfriend or wife very much, and think that there's nothing sexier than watching your home videos of the two of you having sex, but let me assure you, there are a lot of things that are sexier than watching your pale, saggy / uneven-titted, chunky girlfriend suck your 4 inch long, skinny, half-soft little weenie, before sticking it into her big, puffy, smelly-looking, hairy-as-fuck pussy. On the list of things sexier than a video of you two fucking are: Gutting a carp with only your bare hands and no tools, 104 year old man eating baked beans sloppily while naked, a homeless man taking a shit on the subway stairs and then wiping his ass with a Lay's Potato Chip bag, Star Jones eating a live cat, an extreme closeup video in slow motion of someone pulling a toenail off with a pair of pliers...
44.) THE BOTTOMLESS PIT OF FAKE THUMBNAILS
You come to a page that has a huge grid of thumbnails. As you mouse over the thumbnails, little text pops up that says something like, "Amy Ried takes a big one," "Young girl strips and masturbates," "Asian girl gives a hot blowjob," etc, which makes you think that's what you're going to see when you click the thumbnail. So you find one that looks promising and click it. At this point it's pretty normal to get about 5 banner ads, and then the page that you are sent to is a big page... with tons of thumbnails on it. What the fuck is this? Where's the "Latina takes it from behind" video? Well, shit. Oh well. While I'm here, I might as well see what's on this page. *Click*... banner ads.... and... ANOTHER BIG PAGE OF THUMBNAILS. *Click* .... banner ads.... THUMBNAILS.... *Click* .... THUMBNAILS...... *Click* .... THUMBNAILS.... FUCK YOU! I'M GETTING SOFT.
45.) SURPRISE-KILLER SAMPLE IMAGES
Am I the only one who gets turned on by seeing something awesome that I didn't expect? Probably not, so STOP MAKING 400x600 pixel sample images that show 100% of the image that I will see if I click it. OH, WOW! It's exactly the same picture I just saw, but now it's 60% BIGGER! WOO, WOO! The other thing like this that pisses me off is pages that have thumbnails of lots of picture series and they show the very best picture in the whole series as the sample. Like, you see a sample image of a girl covered in baby oil with her legs spread with another girl licking her clit, then you click it and there are 40 pictures on the page, and 1-25 are of fully-to-partiually clothed girls in various stages of smiling at each other, or maybe removing some piece of outerwear. Nothing up to this point has any real nudity. 26-30 the girls are finally getting naked but there's nothing beyond R-rated touching going on. 31-35 the girls finally start kissing and touching each other, in picture 38 the baby oil comes into play, and finally, picture 40 of 40 is the picture that the sample image is of, the last picture, and the FIRST picture where there's any mouth-to-genital contact. Look. When you show me a sample, it should either be representative of the bulk of the pictures the link will take me to, or the sequence should ADVANCE from that point.
46.) PUNY DICKS
This generally doesn't happen often, but when it does, all I can do is scratch my head and wonder why, and I think we can all agree, if I'm watching porn, it's not so I can be distracted and wondering why the fuck you decided to put your LEETLE BITTY WEENIE on public display, or why some porn producer thought it would be a good idea. I mean, I know the trend is to have guys with dicks big enough to put someone in the hospital, into the double-digit inch range, and I know most guys don't really relate to that, but come on, if your dick looks puny and nubby in a girl's little hands, YOU SHOULD NOT BE IN PORN. If a girl is sucking your dick, and she's making an "OOOO" mouth instead of an "AAAAH" mouth, just put your pants on and leave. Just to clarify, "Deep Throat" implies that your dick is actually long enough to reach past the chick's soft palate. I just saw a video of this girl sucking a guy's dick, and literally, if his dick disappeared and she blew, it would have whistled. This segued into a scene where the guy was fucking her with these little jackrabbit thrusts, I guess so it wouldn't come out, and the girl was lying there with a straight face giving half-hearted "Uhhh's" and "Ahhh's." What's even worse is when the guy is all, "Yeahhhh, suck that dick! You love it!" Get a grip on reality, retard. Every girl you have ever met, porn star and librarian alike, has had a much bigger dick than yours, so calm the fuck down.
47.) RIDICULOUSLY EXAGGERATED ORGASMS
Everyone enjoys orgasms, don't get me wrong. There are very few things that feel better or are more satisfying than having an orgasm. Indeed our entire survival as a species depends on orgasms feeling good to the point that humans will go to great effort, often even against their better judgment, to have them. Most people have had good orgasms, as well as so-so "getting the job done" orgasms. However, some orgasms in porn are just ridiculous, particularly when it can be assumed that porn stars have had many more orgasms than you have, and are probably numb and bored by the experience by now. Of course, when I say their orgasms are ridiculous, I'm not talking about the volume of someone's load. I'm talking about these dumbasses who make these fucked up faces and put on absurdly over the top shows to make it seem as though their orgasm feels far better than anything you've ever felt. I've even seen porn where the participants (yes, either male or female) have acted like they were on the verge of tears at the amazing splendor and earth shattering power of them getting off. Look. WE GET IT. You're having an orgasm. Good for you. You don't have to make your orgasm seem like you are plunging through the heart of an exploding star at the instant that it turns into a black hole and you transcend your mortal human shell as every cell in your body instantaneously and simultaneously becomes individually self aware and explodes into pure energy as you attain absolute consciousness and awareness and you are bombarded with absolute truth and are filled with ultimate knowledge as you look into the face of God and see your own face looking back at you. Blow it out your asses. You fuckers are horrible actors.
48.) WIDE SHOTS
Not to fuck with your "creative vision," but if the guy is standing up, and the girl is giving him a blow job, and I can see the girl's feet, the guy's head and feet, the couch off to the side, the nice sunny day out the window, the spiral staircase, the livingroom fireplace and the kitchen all in the same shot, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.
49.) HALF-HARD GIANT DICKS
So you have a big dick. So what? What good is a big dick that bends in the middle when it's as hard as it gets? Do you not have enough blood in your body to make it hard? I just watched a video and the guy is fucking this girl, and every push looks like he's just fucking the bendy slack in his dick like a meat slinky. I keep thinking that eventually he will actually achieve a real erection, but then the guy pulls it out, still floppy, and cums on this girl's face. What? Really? Dude. Take some vitamins or something.
50.) TOTALLY STUPID THEMES
Am I the only one who doesn't think, "You know what would make for a good porn picture series? A girl holding a saxophone."?
People who, when
asked what kind of music they like, reply, "I like ALL kinds of music." Right
about then I like to pop in some John Zorn or some Indian music and watch
them squint. "OHHHHH! I see. You meant 'all kinds' meaning all the kinds of
music they play on MTV." On the flipside of this coin, did it ever occur to
you that a whole lot of music out there is utter dogshit? So basically this
would show two things: A.) You don't know what you're talking about, and B.)
You have no taste whatsoever.
Mike Myers' Fans. "HAHAHA Doctor Evil made a lame joke and only he thought it was funny! HAHAHA Fat Bastard isn't fat anymore, he's all saggy! HAHAHAHA The guy has a mole on his face and everyone gets fixated on it!" Look. You KNOW what joke is coming, and they're all pretty much the same. It's time to stop thinking that everything that guy does is genius.
Walkmen that beep when you press the buttons. BEEP! Oh, thanks for telling me I hit a button. See- I wouldn't have known that just because I pressed my finger against it and felt it make a click and heard the next song start playing. Thanks for the audible confirmation, because the music I'm listening to is not nearly as important to me as your beeping noises.
Women who don't have lips who smear bright lipstick around the razor-like rims of their mouths.
Those puny headphones that come with every walkman that have horrible pingy treble and farty distorted bass. Are you trying to insult me? It doesn't matter if it's a 20 dollar am/fm radio or a 300 dollar mp3 walkman. They ALL come with the same way-below-par headphones. Why not just put the rack of headphones next to the rack of walkmen? I just throw them away anyway, so why not just save the plastic? Wouldn't you rather have people be able to hear that you make a high fidelity product? Then why are you giving them headphones that sound like absolute shit?
People who go on and on about how pretty Julia Roberts is. She's so pretty... just like the Joker from the first Batman movie. Some men's magazine rated her the 5th most desirable woman in the world, beating out women like Jessica Alba, Rachel Leigh Cook, Jennifer Conelly, and that Dorito's chick (like anyone remembers her name). When I read that, I went, "WHA-HUHH??????" and my eyeballs fell out of my head and rolled under my desk. They got all covered in lint and dust, and I rinsed them off in the sink, but they were still all scratchy.
Educational video games. Parents... Who the fuck do you think you're fooling? What fun! If I answer the math question correctly, Darth Vader says "The Force is Strong With This One." If I answer it incorrectly, Darth Vader says "All Too Easy!" Who needs 'Return to Wolfenstein,' 'Unreal Tournament' or 'Diablo 2' when you have THIS? "Get that 'Neverwinter Nights' shit away from me! I wanna play MATH BLASTER 3000! I'm up to level three and the long division KICKS ASS! Hey Mom, can I have more brussels sprouts? YUM-YUMMY!"
Ghetto girls who wear 2 inch airbrushed acrylic nails and huge hoop earrings with their name in cursive in them. Classy.... Reeeeaaalll classy... and SO ORIGINAL.
Anyone who has a sticker of the Linux Penguin on anything they own. Computers are there for completing work and enjoying entertainment, not just for marvelling at the "magic" of "oooo - it's a computer." "What do I do with it? You mean like... design or music or games or writing or something? Ummm well ... I have an uptime of 4 weeks. You wanna see my benchmarks?" And for all those morons who have trouble with reading comprehension, I didn't just say that Linux was a bad operating system, so you can just save it. Maybe if you would stop typing ASCII art for a minute, you would regain your reading ability. As far as I can tell, there are two groups of people that use Linux: 1. Companies and programmers that NEED it and 2. Kids who want to brag because they're running a non-windows OS.
"Magic Eye" pictures. See... if you kinda squint, and cross your eyes a little, and focus as though you're looking past it, and start by holding it close and then slowly moving it away, you'll see the secret... THAT IT'S A BUNCH OF MEANINGLESS SQUIGGLY LINES!!!!
Yogurt. Hey, Look! You're holding a full 8 ounces of LIVING BACTERIA in your hand! Go ahead! EAT IT! Fruit on the bottom? Well of course. They had to feed it something.
Robin Williams Heart Warmers.
People who hear I don't like fish who go, "Have you tried Halibut? Do you like Lobster? Do you eat Shrimp? Are you Allergic? Do you like Oysters? How about Clams? Crab? What about Sole? Everyone likes Sole. Well have you tried it? What about Sushi? Calamari? What about Sturgeon?" LOOK! IF IT SWIMS, I DON'T FUCKING EAT IT! CHOKE ON A FISHBONE! ...SOON!
Spanish Speaking People who call New York "Nueva Jork." Look. I understand that you're translating, but you CAN'T TRANSLATE A PROPER NAME. New York is the fucking name. How about I start referring to Los Angeles as "The Angels?" Sounds pretty stupid, right? Right. So knock it off.
Little Hood-Rats who act like every trivial little thing is REALLY dramatic.
"AWWWWWWWWW SHIT, YO! THIS COLA IS MUTHAFUCKIN COLD AND REFRESHING, SON! DAMN!"
Yesterday I saw a guy in a Ford Escort with fingerless leather driving gloves.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (breathe breathe) a-heh - a-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH.. heh .. a-heheh .. whew... (cough)
People who become a drunk or a junkie and then go to rehab and come back bragging. Look. Being a fuckup and then fixing it brings you back up to ZERO. NEUTRAL. You fixed a problem that YOU caused. That doesn't make you a HERO. It makes you a former (and probably future) fuckup. When you spill something on the floor and then wipe it up, you don't get a fucking trophy. Hitting restart when your video game character dies doesn't mean you win! I was NEVER a junkie. Where's MY parade? Don't fucking preach at me! See, you might have overcome a shitload of obstacles, all of which you created yourself, and are now a fruitarian with no vices, but I've NEVER had a drug or alcohol problem, so take all that self righteousness and shove it up your ass.
Occasionally I get emails or messages online with suggestions for this list. The most common suggestion I get is, "My slut ex girlfriend,<NAME>, because she's a bitch." In a way, you guys have helped me write this one, but probably not the way you would have hoped...
DUMBASS PSYCHO-STALKER LOSERS WHO THINK THAT THEIR EX GIRLFRIENDS ARE BITCHES BECAUSE THEY MOVED ON AND CONTINUED TO FUNCTION HAPPILY AFTER WISELY DUMPING THEM FOR BEING IMMATURE MAN-BOYS, WHO ARE SO PATHETIC THAT THEY WILL TELL A TOTAL STRANGER THAT HE SHOULD PUT AN ENTRY ON HIS WEBPAGE TO DEGRADE A GIRL HE HAS NEVER MET, WILL NEVER MEET, AND COULDN'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT.
Guys who think that "casual" means slacks, short sleeved button down shirt tucked in with a "fun" tie. Yeah. Real casual there, Thurston P Howell the Third.
Immigrants who have been in the US for 20 years who don't speak English nearly as well Balki Bartokomous.
People in the US who don't speak any English who get frustrated at me because I don't speak their foreign language. You know, because it's MY fault that they don't speak a word of English in an English speaking country. This lady came to my door today asking me something in Spanish. I politely said I only spoke English. She winced at me and then continued asking me questions in Spanish, but now with an irritated tone to her voice. When she paused for a response, I said , "No hablo Espanol." Now she was pissed. She rolled her eyes and made that frustrated mouth smacking sound (you know the sound) as she flicked a dismissive 'brushing away' hand gesture as if to say "fuck you, you worthless sack of shit," before indignantly making an about-face and storming out of the building lobby. Yeah, that's right. Be mad at me because you're too ignorant or stubborn to learn the language of the nation where you live. THAT MAKES SENSE. Yeah, she totally has a right to be pissed off since she speaks only one language and it's one which 10% of people in the United States understand (and most of those also speak English), while I'm so stupid that I speak a language that 99% of people in the United States speak, which she doesn't know. To get an idea how stupid this seems to me, picture me living for years in Uzbekistan, ranting, "What the fuck! Doesn't anyone here speak fucking English?"
Children born in th US who still don't speak a word of English by the time they're six because their parents speak only a foreign language at home. Great way to put your kids years behind the other kids at school, Mom and Dad. You've ensured them a bright future.
Businesses in the US who place people in customer service jobs who speak NO English. I was having a problem with my kitchen sink, so I called the building management office. This lady answered the phone who spoke only enough English to tell me that she spoke no English. "Emmmmm... Emmmmmm Not to understanding you. Emmmm... Emmmmm... Manager call back you, ok?" I gave her my number and was not surprised when the manager did not call me back.
Street Preachers. If these bastards keep interrupting my morning subway nap by screaming their fucking brains out while walking up and down the car, I swear I'm going to give them the express train to the hereafter. How convenient and credible that EVERY ONE of them claims that they were a homeless crackhead redeemed by the "POWer of GAWD!!!!" Go back to being one. Crackheads make less sound and don't live very long.
People getting out of elevators who act like those two groundhogs in Warner Brothers cartoons. "You first." "No, no. after you." "I wouldn't hear of it. You first." "Perish the thought." GET THE FUCK OUT! With three people trying to get through a 4.5 foot wide door in 10 seconds, NOBODY should have to hold it open. Get out before I drag you out by your lapels. "Oh my! How vulgar."
Street Fighter, Street Fighter 2, Street Fighter 2 Turbo, Street Fighter 2 Champion Edition, Street Fighter 2 Hyper Fighting, Street Fighter 2 The New Challengers, Street Fighter Alpha, Street Fighter Alpha 2, Street Fighter 3 New Generation, Street Fighter 3 2nd Impact, Street Fighter Alpha 3, Street Fighter 3 3rd Strike, X-Men vs Street Fighter, Marvel Superheroes vs Street Fighter, Marvel vs Capcom, Marvel vs Capcom 2, Capcom vs SNK, Capcom vs SNK Millionaire Fighting....... THINK UP SOMETHING NEW YOU LAZY FUCKERS!
Idiots who get so drunk they can't even see three or more times a week who say, "You've tried ACID?? LSD?!?!? OH MY GOD! YOU'RE INSANE!! I would NEVER fuck myself up like that! That stuff will fuck up your whole life! Don't you have any clue how bad that is for you? Maybe you should get help."
British people who have a thick British accent when they speak, who sound like they're from Ohio when they sing.
Real Player and Quicktime. When you install them, they attempt to assimilate your computer and take over so that their media players handles EVERY type of media file. The only reason I even installed your crappy ad-ware products is so I could play .rm and .mov files. Don't feel so fucking important.
Interview talk shows like Leno and Letterman. Who fucking cares what Jennifer Love Hewitt thinks about ANYTHING?
Alien "Grey" stickers, logos, figurines, etc.
People who think that being a vegetarian or bisexual is the same thing as being an intellectual.
Girls who's handwriting looks like a series of inter-connected big round bubbles. Bonus points for bubbled dots on lowercase i's and j's.
When priests get busted molesting little boys, they always send a news crew to the church to interview the parishioners, and they always say the same things. "He's a good, kind-hearted man. He's done so much for the community and we're going to stand behind him." Yeah, I guess it wasn't your kid who got raped.
People on IRC who bicker over what car is better. Here's a hint. You're having a dick-waving competition in text form with 50 pathological liar nerds who haven't had sex since Jean Luc Piccard took command. Does that make you feel cool? It shouldn't.
People who hate Hillary Clinton for being a woman with a backbone and make "who wears the pants" jokes about her. Sorry if having a First Lady who's not the President's Lap Dog offends you. If anything, her greatest crime was not being prissy and helpless enough for a stupid backwards country to love her.
Glow Stick Kids at Raves. Yeah. You're really showing your individuality by dancing the exact same way that all the other glow stick kids do. You're so mesmerizing and cosmically in tune with the universe through your little plastic thingies. And for an added thrill, let's attach the glow sticks to strings and then twirl them. Wow. I've never seen THAT before... well, except for when I looked across the floor and saw 20 other people doing it. Thanks for making a huge gap of undancable floor, by the way. Nothing is more fun than getting pelted in the head while I'm trying to dance. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure you're thinking, "you're just mad because YOU can't do it." I also can't fit a beer can in my urethra. But hey! Practice makes perfect.
Disney. Fear my evil corporate media army of anthropomorphic animals with celebrity voices! We will absorb lesser media entities until we rule all media transmission with the glazed, emotionless shark-like eyes of Mickey Mouse glaring out of your television screen like some Orwellian nightmare! All they are is an unfeeling factory that cranks out cartoons that all look the fucking same. The cartoons are so homogenized that a character from any Disney cartoon could be inserted into any other Disney cartoon and not look foreign. The characters always have the same huge eyes and the same overexaggerated movements. They focus so much on giving the characters expression that every movement becomes an overblown caricature and characters' mouths move to the words as though they don't have any bones in their faces, but rather, a series of gyroscopes and elastic belts. If a human opened his mouth as far as a Disney character did, there is no way that he could form words and not sound retarded. I'm so sick of anthropomorphic animals. Last year it was a Llama. This year it's a horse and a stupid blue koala/mouse/gecko that speaks in gibberish. Am I the only one who imagines that some Creative Department guy's job was on the line and he blurted that idea out across the boardroom table in a cloud of horror with images of a "will work for food" sign flying through his head? "Maybe we can do a Lion this year." "We did that one already." " What about a traditional fairy tale?" "Name one we haven't done already." "Ummmm.. What about movie about Mice? Mice are cute and fuzzy." "Uhh, remember MICKEY? (serious look)" "Shit! Ummm... What about a guy who lives in the jungle among a whole bunch of anthropomorphic animals? They could sing songs and EVERYTHING!" "We DID that... TWICE!!" "Fuck! Uhh Shit, I donno! How about a Fucking BLUE MOUSE KOALA GILA MONSTER THAT GOES 'BLEEBER FLEER BLOGOLOO BLERG!' Please don't feed me to the anthill like poor Jenkins!!!" "Have a cigar, son!" "Whew!"
People who have no clue as to the chemical properties of common household items. I knew a 36 year old woman who accidentally stuck herself with a pencil and the graphite "lead" broke off under her skin and she was afraid that she was going to get lead poisoning. Yeah, I'm really sure that they're going to put a cylinder of real lead in the hands of every child in the world and make them sharpen it to a point and then smear it on notebook paper for twelve years of school. And what's the deal with people who think that a Double-A battery contains acid that's corrosive enough to quickly burn a big hole in the hull of the Nostromo?
Why is it that every time I see someone with a baseball hat or t-shirt with a labor union logo on it, they're fat and claim to have a bad back? "GOL-DAMN! I work almost 30 hours a week and only get five weeks of vacation! The management is mistreating its workers! We should go on strike! My buddy Dave got fired last week, and he had only had five write-ups for bad job performance, fistfighting with coworkers, and drinking on the job! That ain't right! The contract says we get SEVEN write-ups! They can't just go and fire someone like that out of the blue unless they've been given due warning! Yeah, I can see that the storage bin is on fire over there, and yes, I know I'm sitting within arm's reach of the extinguisher, and yes, MAYBE it caught on fire because I flicked my cigarette in it, but you'd better go get someone else to put it out. I'm on break for another fifteen minutes, and if you don't get someone to put that fire out, I'll complain about unsafe working conditions."
Transition effects on webpages. No, no... I didn't want to see your page right now. I wanted to wait for it to FADE IN first. After all, that's why I came here.
Cashiers who make you wait for them to straighten out the bills you handed them so they all face the same way. Look! It has a fucking ONE on every corner, front and back, so you can tell what it is no matter which way it faces! If you need for all the bills to face the same direction so you know what denomination they are, you're fucking retarded and don't deserve to be employed as a cashier. If you're so concerned with making things tidy, why don't you go get a nice janitorial job so you don't have to interact with people like ME who will despise you for being so fucking anal retentive.
Health wingnuts who go on and on about chemical sensitivity and free-radicals. "Ahhh - They must have cleaned the carpet over the weekend and it's releasing some sort of fumes that are making my eyes water. " "I don't smell ANYTHING." "Really? This is really messing with my chemical equilibrium. I can taste the chemicals in the air." "Really? Then GET THE FUCK OUT! I don't need to sit here and be annoyed by some pretentious twit who's Spider Senses are Tingling. You're complaining about toxins that are either IMAGINED or far too faint to be perceived by the human olfactory center. If it bugs you that much, why don't you just fuck off, you fucking hypochondriac?"
Mary Fucking Kate and Fucking Ashley FUCKING Olsen. What's the fucking appeal of some monkey-faced brats who have made a living on being cute when they WERE NEVER EVEN CUTE? We KNOW they were never cute since we've been fucking subjected to their Pug faces since BIRTH! They look like those fucking TROLL FIGURINES, and yet they're among the richest people in Hollywood. The people who joke about, "Hey Dude! They're almost LEGAL!" make me want to smack someone in the eyes with a bat. THEY AREN'T HOT! NOT EVEN SORTA-KINDA HOT! They have average bodies, flat pug noses and just otherwise look like dopey kids. The fact that they're famous doesn't make them hotter than 70% of the girls that you actually know, so shut that shit up. Don't even get me started about Bob Saget, Dave Coullier and John Stamos.
People who think they're being a nonconformist by being a Goth, Punk, Emo Kid, or Candy Raver. You might not be wearing Gap Khakis, but you've chosen another preset design. I like your lip piercing, but you can't claim it as a mark of your individuality when there are boatloads of stores where you can select a lip ring from their display case of hundreds. Off the beaten path? Yeah... maybe by a few inches.
The
Amazing X-Cam, Casino On Net, Bonzi Buddy, Classmates.com, Orbitz.com and
all those other fucking things that they think are soooooo important that
they need to remind me about them in irritating popups on half the fucking
websites on earth. There's a REASON why I pay for webspace. NO ADS! Does
ANYONE click on these? I sure as fuck don't. Think of the fucking bandwidth
wasted on a global basis loading all those animated gifs; how many MILLIONS
of times those ads download every day! What's the fucking point? Nobody
fucking clicks that shit. How could they even pay for themselves?
RnB music. If it wasn't hackneyed, banal, trite, unevolved crap they wouldn't have to use singers who look like models and porn stars to sell it.
People who complain about webpages having frames. What's so hard to understand? MENU! CONTENT! That's really farout, huh?
People who complain about the appearance of a webpage based on trivial things. "This has got to be the ugliest site I've ever seen! You overused grey and black. What's with the generic 'followed link turns purple' shit? Couldn't you be any more original? I'm not coming back, because you used Garamond font and I HATE Garamond! Only retards use Garamond! Are you retarded? You should use Blogger and do your page in white, blue and light green - like me... and most of the people I know! Fucking Garamond dipshit!"
People who think that coffee is cold if it's not hot enough to cauterize their throats shut permanently.
Cab drivers who pull over when you hail them and ask, "Where are you headed?" "Uptown." "Nahh- I'm going downtown." What the fuck is the point in being paid to drive people around if you're only willing to take them if they happen to be headed in the same direction you're going already? Isn't that the whole point in me paying you: that we go where I want to go?
People who think that "Stairway to Heaven" is the greatest and most profound musical accomplishment ever made in human history. Sorry, but you "American Pie" and "Freebird" fans aren't allowed to laugh at this one.
Anything over 140 pounds in spandex.
People who use "Culture" as an excuse for not exploring expanding themselves culturally. There are people for whom culture plays a far greater role than individuality. I once teased a friend for only listening to RnB and Rap. He replied, "I'm black. What do you expect me to listen to?" I replied, "Yeah, well I'm white and I think Country music sucks." Culture is a strong and necessary pillar for developing your mind and tastes, but it's a beginning point, not an end. Your Culture is your paintbrush, but your Individuality is your paint and it comes in an endless variety of colors. A paintbrush is just a tool for moving paint around, but in the end, all anyone will see is the paint on the canvass. Before you discard this idea as me being biased, keep in mind I made no suggestion that you should like what I like. Be Objective.
Hi there. I'm David Arquette. Cast me in your movie as "the wacky guy." I'm not particularly funny, and I'm not really capable of serious acting, but I can give you my sisters' phone numbers.
People who have a cupboard or drawer with 178 pounds of plastic grocery bags in it. They always say the same thing: "I ..... uhh ... use .. them ... for .. uhh ... things ............sometimes." Yeah - looks like you're doing a bang-up job using them up, you fucking pack rat. Here's an inventive new use for them. 1.) Take one bag. 2.) Put as many bags as you can into this bag. 3.)Discard. 4.)Repeat until cabinet space is empty.
"Promise Keepers." These are christian men who get together in big arenas and churches to hug and pray and cry. They are firmly for women staying in the home doing "women's work" and purport to be absolutely anti-gay. Y'know... there's a reason why I'm not homophobic and it's pretty much the same reason why I don't cluster together with a bunch of men to cry and hug... BECAUSE I'M NOT GAY! If you guys would get over the whole "Jesus hates gays" thing, you could have an exquisitely decorated apartment in the East Village and live without hating anyone at all. Admit it, you deluded holy rollers! You dont watch "The Wizard of Oz" with your kids because it's good family entertainment. You like it because Judy Garland was FABULOUS!
People who are not legitimately Color Blind who look at something that's green or purple and call it blue. "It's in that blue folder... right there - the blue one... no, no - the blue one... yeah - that one." "This is green, dipshit."
People who watched "The Net" or "Hackers" and believe in their hearts that a computer virus is the scariest thing in the world. "OH MY GOD! My computer crashed. WHAT DOES IT MEAN???!!!"
People on crowded stairways who don't mind making 100 people wait because they want to let their two-year-old climb the stairs by himself instead of carrying him. "Awwww! Iddn't him just the cuuutest widdle thing cwimbing da stairs all by his widdle self, gonna make me late for werk! Awwww! Uh-oh! Wooks wike baby go Whoopsie-Daisy!" *KICK! Clump clump clump thumpity clump clump slap SHRIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEK!!! *
"Movers"
"Hey - I think I'll pick up this thing that I have no business touching and put it on the other side of the room under some papers so the person it belongs to will have to dig for hours in a cloud of fury trying to find it later. Actually, while I'm at it... How about I just THROW IT AWAY. I don't do this because I'm passive-aggressive. I do this, simply, because I'm stupid and annoying."
and People
who think they are surrounded by "Movers"
"I can't find this thing that I sorta-kinda
vaguely remember putting here. YOU must have moved it!" Oddly, my former
boss fits neatly into both categories. She also seems to have another affliction
involving flux in the space-time continuum. She believes that objects can
materialize. Monday:
"Would you check in that box and
see if there are any size 14's."
"I was in there last week and there
weren't any. Remember?"
"Could you look again? You might
have missed them."
(Search, Search)
"Nope."
"I'm sure there were some there.
Would you mind looking again?"
(Search, Search)
"Nope."
Then she goes and looks for herself.
(Search, Search, Search, Search,
Search, Search)
"That's odd." Tuesday:
"Would you mind looking in that box
again? It seems so strange that we wouldn't have any size 14's."
If my time wasn't wasted doing little tasks like this, I would have probably only had to work about 3 hours a day.
The fact that I can't buy a DVD of Barton Fink, 1984, Naked Lunch, and other great movies that have been out for years, but of course I can buy Heartbreakers, The Mummy Returns, A Knight's Tale, Pluto Nash, Spy Kids 2, Ballistic: Eks vs Sever, Pearl Harbor and other COMPLETE DOGSHIT only two or three months after it was in the theatre. (updated May 2003: They finally released 1984 with a fucked up non-original soundtrack that replaces the interesting Eurythmics score, and they finally released Barton Fink.)
Politicians who tiptoe around the Teen Pregnancy Issue. "Should we give them contraception?" "Should we postpone sex ed or let them take it earlier?" "Should we put religion in the schools?" Fuck that shit! I have a method that is 100% effective and will help put a dent in the ridiculous human population explosion! MANDATORY ABORTION until you get your BREEDING LICENSE at EIGHTEEN... IF and only IF you PASS A TEST ON YOUR COMPETENCY! You say, "But Abortion is WRONG, because (singing) Jesus loves the little children!" When that guy was around, there were only an estimated 250 million people on earth. Now there's 6.5 BILLION, so the way I see it, he has no basis for a legitimate opinion on the matter at all. Fuck what that guy says. There are too many fucking humans in the world! Why the fuck do you think YOU deserve to be allowed to make another one... or two... or five? Because you live with your Mom, have a promising part-time job at McDonalds and a pothead boyfriend who told you he loved you more than those other two girls who had babies with him who haven't seen a dime of child support, and he almost seemed like he was really sincere?
The "Bass Booster" control on most walkmen. Gee wow! It's a button that makes the bass sound DISTORTED. Let's face it. Decent headphones have a good bass response anyway, and crappy headphones never will, no matter how much you make the bass sound MORE FARTY.
Trendy fashion. "I know. We'll make a garment that's weird and outlandish, then press it as 'the new look' so it sells millions of units, then in 4 months we'll get all the fashion critics to joke about how it's 'so out of style.' That way we can keep people buying new clothes when their old clothes are perfectly functional by making them neurotic about looking funny." When trendy fashion takes low rise pants, thongs, bare midriff tank-tees, and the overall skintight look away from women, I am going to be one angry man.
Fat, zitty nerds who haven't had sex in the past 3 years who look at a Victoria's Secret catalogue and try to play it cool by trying to FIND FLAWS. "Nahh - I never really thought Tyra Banks was all that hot." Uhhh.. Riiiiiiight. Go back and watch some more Farscape and try not to cry as you masturbate while staring at that grey chick while reminiscing about when you lost your virginity to the second of two girlfriends you have ever had at the age of 26, and you haven't had sex since and it's been three years. Yeah, yeah. It's because you're just realllly selective. Riiiiiiight.
Ibiza dogshit techno. It's bad enough that this developmentally stunted form of electronic music, which embraces and exaggerates everything that was tiresome and corny about early 90's rave music exists at all, but is there some fucking law that dictates that there MUST be a girl in a silver bikini with huge breast implants on the cover of EVERY album? I guess since it all sounds exactly the same, they need to make the sale with testosterone power. "Whoah! Boooobies! Awesome! (Hit's Play) Kinda sounds the same as all that other anthem shit. Ok.. There's the obligatory girl singer talking about 'freeing your mind and feeling the feeling of the feely feeling thing... Hmmm. The boobies cheated me once again! I guess I'll toss it over there on the heap with the rest of them." Original? Inspired? Interesting? Progressive? HAH!
Guys who's hip-hop slang includes referring to their mother in plural. "I talked to my Moms on the phone the other day."
IRC users (usually spammers and cyberers) who know approximately 4 english phrases, and manage to butcher them. "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!! I am make the fuck on U! Ur horney? I am touch your breasts. U have big breasts huny? A/S/L PLZ?"
NE1 WANTS CHAT WHIT ME!!
NE1 WANTS CHAT WHIT ME!!
NE1 WANTS CHAT WHIT ME!!
NE1 WANTS CHAT WHIT ME!!
People who, in this day and age, stand in front of a copy machine for ten minutes pushing every button except the BIG GREEN ONE, trying to figure out how to make a simple copy of one page.
People who think they're Jesus because they know how to make copies on a copy machine.
People who use the office copier for five minutes and leave it in a state where all it will print is reverse images in negative at 2% size on little origami swans.
People who set the copier to make a million copies, then when the tray is out of paper and the copier stops, they decide that it's enough copies, pick up their stack, and walk off without refilling the tray. Then when the next person comes by and refills the tray, the copier tries to print the other 999,904 copies.
The Sad, Sad IRC Love Connection Thing. On one side you have a fat girl who thinks she's hot shit since desperate nerds hit on her all day, and on the other side you have a zitty guy who thinks that somewhere out there is a girl who looks like Anna Kournikova who frequents #AD&D on Dalnet who would love to stroke his hair while he reads LEXX fan fiction to her. And the amusing part is that both of these losers think they're too good for the other.
People who put so many java, html, and macromedia tricks on their webpage that it makes my browser gag, then when it finally loads it seems to be a page devoted to marketing their web design "skills" and NOTHING ELSE. "Hire me to design a webpage for you so your viewers can listen to their hard drives churn with their modem lights solid green for five minutes." Usually when I see a "loading" animation on a page I just close the browser. You think I feel like watching five minutes of Flash animation that basically says, "Welcome?" Is your menu really the most important part of your content? Then why is it sucking up all my bandwidth by loading 75 separate images? Oooh - Nice creative touch with the run-of-the-mill clip art and animated gifs EVERYWHERE. Gee! I've never seen that green rotating 3d skull before! Wow! The way you made the text float over the stationary background picture is awesome because it makes my browser scroll slower! Also... No matter what soundcard your viewers have, your midi file of "Enter Sandman" by Metallica is still going to sound cheesy as hell. Just don't.
The fact that when bad stuff happens to non-christians, christians think that it's "the wages of sin," and when bad stuff happens to christians, they compare it to the "Trials of Job," or say, "Well, the lord works in mysterious ways."
Joan Rivers. "Oh my GAWD! I can't believe how tacky that dress is on that gorgeous, talented 23 year old who made more money on her second movie than my old haggard ass has made in my whole career! Gag!"
People and advertisements that call cars "Sexy." Aren't we taking this "Hot Car / Small Penis" compensation thing a little too far? What would Freud say? "Fast?" OK. "Sporty?" Sure. "Stylish." Fine. "Sexy?" Shut the fuck up.
Those color contacts with the textured looking iris patterns on them. Wow! The way your pupils look like they're permanently dilated and floating off-center makes you so beautiful. I always wanted a girlfriend with eyes that look like she pulled them out of one of those dolls that closes its eyes when you lean it back. They say the eyes are the window to the soul. Why do you feel like the windows to Teddy Ruxpin's soul are more interesting than your own?
People who think that if the first date went well, and you don't show up for the second date with a ring in your pocket, that you have a fear of commitment. The only rings in my pocket on the second date are CONDOMS.
<cHa0s_mAsT3r> y0u sh0uld
wAtcH wh0 y0ur fUckiNg wiTh. i'm a HaX0r!
<cHa0s_mAsT3r> j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT
<cHa0s_mAsT3r> j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT
<cHa0s_mAsT3r> hAhaHa! h0w d0 y0u liKe bEing HaCkeD, bItcH?
<cHa0s_mAsT3r> j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT
<cHa0s_mAsT3r> j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT//j00 r 0wN3d//j00 r 0wN3d//L0rDs_0f_EviL_ScArY_d00m_sCrIpT
<cHa0s_mAsT3r> hAhaHa! h0w d0 y0u liKe bEing HaCkeD, bItcH?
Euphemisms. I heard a news show the other day call a handicapped person "Differently Abled." Differently? No, no. SPIDERMAN is Differently Abled.
The way VH1 throws the word "DIVA" around like so much confetti.
Retarded Bible Thumpers who think that Atheism and Satanism are the same thing. If I don't think Batman is real, it wouldn't make much sense to believe in the Joker.
Guys on the train with headphones who are "feelin' the music." Dude. Shut up. If you would take off one of the phones so you could hear yourself, you'd be embarrassed at how stupid you sound.
Anyone who owns a cowboy hat. Ropin' cattle today? No? Then go fuck yourself.
People who pronounce "Mischievous," "miss-CHEE-vee-us." What's sad is that 30% of the people reading this are thinking, "Well, then how is it pronounced?"
People who bitch because when I update this page, I put the new stuff in random locations instead of just adding it to the top. That bugs you, huh?...... (evil snicker)
Anyone who truly cares what celebrities do in their private lives.
Christian Fundamentalists. "I don't see this perfectly evident truth because my Bible tells me that it's not true. Hmm. A Neanderthal skull? Hmm. Sorry- No, but it is a rather interesting rock- what, with its tooth-like structures and eyesocket-like holes and its perfect bilateral symmetry and all. So what does this vaguely skull-shaped stone have to do with me?" Intentional Blindness. So uhhh - that must have been a pretty big bathtub drain to suck down Noah's flood. So did the water get sucked into space or is the center of the earth filled with water? (In which case, the earth during the flood would have been hollow and would have been crushed by the weight of the water). Please explain. So early humans found every dinosaur that ever lived and buried their bones deep in the ground so future biologists would be confused into thinking man didn't coexist with dinosaurs? I mean, after all, Humans and Animals were both created at like 12:03am EST on Saturday, right? Assholes. And stop using those weak excuses for retorts, "God Works In Mysterious Ways," and, "It was a MIRACLE!" It would be a Miracle if you fucktards would ever think logically.
AND
NON Fundamentalist
Christians. Can't cope with Christianity? Maybe you'll like Christianity
Lite! It's got all the Guilt and Bigotry of Original Christianity with Half
the Calories!
"Well - the Bible is metaphorical.
It's open to interpretation. It's not meant to be taken literally... But
I still want to have a theological reason to scream that abortion is murder."
OK, so if it's so flawed that Joe Blow can read it and decide for himself
what it means, then why the fuck should anyone believe in any of it and
base their entire existence on it? Do you just pick the parts that suit
you? "Ohhh! This part about gays going to hell sounds good! I'll keep
that part, but I think I'll skip over that whole 'turning the other cheek'
thing." If you believe man didn't "rise from dust" then it's equally
logical to assume that the invisible God who's referenced in the same book,
who makes all these rules and expectations isn't real either, isn't it?
If you assume that Tom Sawyer is a fictional character from a book, then
why would you just arbitrarily decide that Huckleberry Finn is real? I mean
- I try to base my life on FACTS... facts like "I need food to live," "I
need sleep to live," "I need money to live," "Sex is groovy," and other
ideas that are self-evident. Why would I base my rules for living on something
so imperfect that any asshole can wander in and decide for themselves what
it means?
People who use the word "Gay" meaning "Lame." As in, "That movie is so gay." People who say "Gay" meaning "Lame" are "Gay" meaning "Gay." Hey, big guy. The truth hurts sometimes. Ignore me. Just go back to watching your beer commercials or something.
MAH-EH (Martin) Lawrence
Fake pockets in men's suits. I know it would just fucking KILL you to give me some real pockets.
My shower. It doesn't do "warm." The water that comes out of my shower is in one of two temperatures: "sleet," and, "hot enough to cook a chicken." What's worse is that anytime someone in the building decides to flush the toilet or fill up an ice cube tray, it can instantly jump between these two extremes. It also has just slightly more pressure than it needs to break the water's surface tension and come out of the showerhead at all.
Telemarketers. I mean, COME ON. Don't you EVER get tired of people slamming the phone in your ear? I'm not going to feel sorry for you and buy your shit just because you made bad career decisions. In fact, even if the product being offered is a good thing, I'm still going to refuse to buy it JUST BECAUSE YOU CALLED ME AND PISSED ME OFF. Could you have ANY self esteem left? If you do, use the very last trickle of it to take off the headset, clock out, and walk out the door. And for all you Door-To-Door assholes. If you're going to insist on being a Direct Advertising Drone, maybe telemarketing would be a safer option for you. I can shoot through my door, but not my phone line.
People who ask me what type music I like, then when I say, "electronic," they squint. Then when I try to clarify by saying, "Like techno," they go, "OHHHH! Like Fatboy Slim!" or "Hey - you know that song 'Blue'?"
Fax
Machines and Modems that pick up on the fourth or fifth ring. Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I wake you? Were you in the shower?
People who use the phrase "Not all policemen are bad." Ahh. How reassuring. Not all the chambers of the gun pointed at your temple have bullets in them.
People who are too quick to play the "What About The Children" card. It's such a fake ploy. Nobody ever wants to play the "What About The Working Poor" or "What About The 20-Something Who Works Three Jobs So He Won't Be A 40-Something Still Paying Off His College Loan" cards. Of course they won't play those cards. It would make it too hard to abstract political issues by using people who are too young to vote as tools for their own benefit.
Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. Those talentless Ken Dolls make my fucking eye twitch.
Movies that receive an R rating for being too IMmature for audiences under 17.
Evangelism. When I see young white guys in suits with book bags in the Bronx on the weekend, I avoid eye contact. Why the hell are you handing me this flyer? You think the reason I haven't accepted religion is that I haven't received enough information about it? Perhaps I know enough about religion to see it as a really stupid thing. Besides, If I don't believe in God, why would you think your little flyer's message that I'm going to be tortured in an imaginary place called Hell is going to scare me? "If you don't pray to the Unicorn King, you'll be eaten by the Jabberwocky." "OH SHIT! REALLY?" And what the fuck is with Mormon Evangelists? If I tell you to your face that I strongly disagree with Christianity, why would you think I would be interested in joining a CULT that's loosely based on Christianity? Why are evangelists so pushy? The answer is simple. Undeniable truth is generally self-evident. If the message were undeniably true, then nobody would EVER have to be indoctrinated. If a truth is so obvious that you'll stumble over it eventually on your own, why would anyone waste their effort trying to push it at you? Common sense doesn't need to be sold. Snake oil does.
Bling Bling.
Howard Stern and everyone who thinks he's a genius.
"Wow. You have a nice body. Hey, Gary. She has a nice body, huh?" "Yeah." "Wow. Those are nice breasts. Can I see them? Wow. Those are nice. Hey Gary, can you see these?" "Yeah. They're nice." "Wow. Are those real? Really? I thought they were fake. Wow. Turn around for me? Wow."
Don't get me wrong. I'm a great fan of bad taste and immaturity, but this guy has made an entire career out of completely inane third grader humor. People always say they love him because "you never know what he's going to say next." REALLY? You seriously can't predict with 99% accuracy what he's going to say? He might say things that are politically incorrect or irreverent or whatever, but can you actually sit there and tell me you can't see it coming a mile away? He probably looks at the Stile Project and thinks it's highbrow humor. Fart Man: Now THERE'S something truly inventive and ingenious. Very oblique and off-the-cuff. Yeah- there's nothing in the world more interesting and entertaining than watching a girl who is as intelligent as beige wallpaper with giant headphones and computer-distorted breasts talking to a middle-aged drooling idiot. Update May 2004: As a strong supporter of Free Speech and the right to broadcast what you want on public airwaves, I get really pissed off that I have to run to the defense of someone who I already think is a total idiot. Gee, thanks for endangering EVERYONE's right to free speech by wrapping yourself in the flag and rubbing your right to say whatever retarded bullshit you want in the FCC's nose. It is very grudgingly that I stand behind him as he's booted off the air for broadcasting something that someone thought was offensive. If anything, I was hoping eventually his show would be cancelled because America wouldn't have enough idiots to think he was cool and keep his advertising revenue coming in. This is not how it should have ended - with me rallying behind the moron for his right to be a moron.
Anyone who's success in the music business hinges on the fact that they look really good. "What do you mean you don't like __________? Don't you think she's pretty?" (Insert Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, Beyonce. Mariah Carey, Jewel, Mya, Jennifer Lopez, Shakira, Alicia Keys, Jessica Simpson, etc. as necessary.) Since when did someone's musicianship revolve around how hot they look? If you're one of those saps who says "I love her because she has such stage presence," then congratulations. You've been duped, Sucker. In this post-MTV era, artists' appearances are the most important, and marketable aspect in popular music. There's no way of knowing how many brilliant musicians we've missed out on, because major music labels now give ability a back seat to looking sexy. How much further would Hip-Hop have progressed if having strong content carried more weight than projecting a 'hard' image? Why has Techno always been on the back burner? No lead singer. It's about the music, stupid.
The "Violent Femmes" Phenomenon. It seems inevitable. Whenever I'm at a party, someone puts on "Blister in the Sun" and a strange thing happens. Every girl in the entire place starts singing and they ALL know ALL the lyrics. "Add It Up" seems to be played less frequently, but they know all THOSE words too. Why is it JUST THIS BAND? I mean, there are shitloads of songs that everyone knows, but for some reason those songs cause some sort of chemically charged urge in women to sing. Why the Violent Femmes? Remember that day in the fifth grade when they took all the girls to one classroom and shut the door and told them secret, dirty things? They taught them Violent Femmes lyrics.
The collective "unexamined life" that is Modern American Culture.
People who use their webpage as their diary. "I went to the store today and like, all I wanted was a Snapple, but the checker was like soooooooo slow and I was in a hurry because I was late to class and I was like 'GEEZ! Could you get any slower?' I mean, FER-REAL! No wonder they pay you like, minimum, like wage, or something. So I was trying to think of where I wanna go on vacation and I was thinking Florida or California, but I donno, and I doubt my mom would like, let me go and I think my boyfriend would get, like, mad and jealous because he can't go, but I think I'll dump him anyways because like there is this guy in my Spanish 2 class that is like soooooooo cute and I think he has a girlfriend but he smiled at me like, OMG, 2 times today, and we talked once a couple weeks ago and I said how like Carson Daly TOTALLY made TRL the coolest and he said, "yeah," so I can tell he is SO TOTALLY into me, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc....." DIE NOISILY, YOU BORING ASSHOLE! Write something for public display when you HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!
Celine Dion and Garth Brooks. "I'm leaving the music business." Six months later - "Yeah well I'm quitting the music business to do other things." Nine months later - "We're doing a farewell tour since I'm leaving the music business." A year and six months and 5433 TV appearances and 762 magazine covers and millions of dollars later - "Five more shows and that's it - I'm leaving - after I play my final greedy telecast Pay-Per-View show in Central Park." Two years later - COMEBACK TOUR!! (This was originally written at the beginning of 2000. It's November 25, 2001 and I just saw a commercial for Garth Brooks' new album. It's only been 2 years since his last album, which is an average span of time that most bands spend between albums, so where's the "quitting" part of this stupid publicity stunt? Damn - sometimes I hate when I'm right.) (Updated March 2003: The new Celine Dion comes out this month, complete with an accompanying DVD..... Yep. The notion of never hearing her stupid screaming was too good to be true. Note to self: Yes, you are always right. Shoot self.)
Guys in their forties who still haven't figured out how to shave properly. What are you using? A serrated bread knife? You butchered yourself and still managed to miss half of your face. Do you need an instructional video? This isn't rocket science.
Guys who let their thick, curly nose and ear hair grow to Rapunzel proportions. Do I have to elaborate?
The fact that MTV uses electronic music in 98% of their commercials, yet gives it zero recognition in its programming.
People in line at McDonalds who seriously can't decide what they want. How long have you been coming to McDonalds? How many radical menu changes have occurred since your last visit? Have you still not noticed that most everything on the menu tastes about the same, plus or minus toppings? You couldn't have been reading the menu while you were waiting in line? People like that should be sacrificed by some primitive tribe in South America to the volcano god.
Former Music channel, MTV.
The ignored truths of the September 11th attacks and the mess that followed.
Rappers who take a 70's or 80's hit, mute the vocal track, rap over it, and have a fat woman sing the original chorus from the song. I'm not one to rant about how things influence youth in a bad way- but when laziness and lack of creativity of this magnitude gets rewarded and admired it makes me want to vomit. I remember Negativland getting sued by U2 for using a sample creatively. Kinda makes me ill when talentless, narcissistic people like Puff Daddy can make millions and be perceived by so many young people as creative genii.
Deodorants that make you smell like a pine forest with body odor.
People who give a sub-mediocre performance at their jobs, who get fired after they call in sick two out of three Fridays with a "stomach virus" (hangover) and then bitch and fly into a lengthy tirade about how they are victims of an unfeeling corporate system. Of course its not YOUR fault. Surely they didn't fire you just because you continually fight with your coworkers or because you stole 250 bucks out of the register. They fired you because THE MAN is holding you down.
Valentines Day. The delightful thing about Valentines Day is that if you're in a relationship, you're required by law to waste exorbitant amounts of money on gaudy meaningless trinkets that will be forgotten in seconds or your relationship is in DEEP trouble, and if you're not in a relationship you get to curl up in the tub in fetal position, despising every living thing on earth as the searing water beats down on you.
People who sit there with a smug, satisfied smile after saying, "Well, you can't prove that God DOESN'T exist," as though they just hit me with the ultimate nuclear powered undeniable argument. Gee - That'll really shut me up. You got me there, Cap'n Philosopher. They always try to act like the mere presence of the earth is proof of God's existence. If I told you that I painted Van Gogh's "Starry Night," is the fact that the painting exists proof that it's true?
Hard rock bands who have a DJ scratching violently on turntables in the video when all you can hear is the usual Guitar, Bass, and Drums. POSERS. Why not have him playing a Jew's Harp or a Slide Whistle... maybe an Accordion or a Digeridu? It's not like he's actually making any sound in the recording, so what's the difference? And am I the only one who's noticed that Linkin Park is like a boyband clone of Limp Bisquick?
People who spend more time fixing their hair in a single day than they do developing their personality in a entire year.
People who do impersonations of Dana Carvey doing impersonations. Personally I can't remember George Bush ever saying, "Wouldn't be prudent," so where's the comedy?
People on the train who are wearing new shoes, nice clean brand name clothes, jewelry, and new leather jackets who are begging for money.
Morning News/Talk shows. Read the fucking news. Do you think I want to see a picture of your baby? Are the idiots outside with the "Hi Mom" signs considered newsworthy? Are old people's birthdays newsworthy? I'm not your friend. Only a good friend would give a rat's ass about your fishing trip. In fact a good friend would probably only PRETEND to be interested in your stupid personal life. I, being a NON-friend, could give two shits. READ THE FUCKING NEWS!
Morons who get gold and platinum teeth. Ahh - another way for trendy dipshits to spend large amounts of money on something they won't want down the road. At least you could take bellbottoms off and give them to the Salvation Army. Let's face it, at 22 you think you look like a "player." People look at a 45 year old with metal teeth and think, "Hmm - He must really like taffy a lot more than flossing." But Congratulations! Your six dollar face now has a million dollar smile.
WHAZAAAAAAAP. Please stop drinking Bud and start drinking Drano. Thanks to your overuse of this CORPORATE SLOGAN (and that's what it is now), there are packs of foreigners on IRC who know only one english phrase. "Waaazzzzzzzaaaaaappppppp!!! HRU CTC ASL PLZ."
Rich People Who Don't Get It. The economy's fucked. What's the Rich People's solution to the problem? "People need to go out there and fuel the economy by buying things." Wow - that's great advice now that the unemployment rate is the highest it's been in 30 years. "Silly poor jobless people. They should have diversified their portfolios. It's their own fault they're in this mess. Now be a dear and pass the foie gras, darling."
The shallow pool of creative thought in the American media. Has the well completely run dry? All you can do now is make sequels and movies based on old tv shows? How many 007 movies can you possibly make? How many Star Trek series? How many Superman spin-offs? Charlie's Angels, The Grinch, Planet of the Apes, Star Wars Prequels, The Saint, Spiderman the Movie, Batman, Lord of the Rings, Movies based on video games, A million Dracula movies and shows... It goes on and on. In pop music it's getting hard to find songs that AREN'T remakes. Am I the only guy who vomited when Madonna did "American Pie" or when that collaboration of whores did that remake of "Lady Marmalade?"
People who use "Their, There, and They're" and "You're and Your" and "Too and To" and "Then and Than" as though they are interchangeable, and then try to defend themselves with "I always just do it like that. You think I need an English Teacher?" No. I think you need some self esteem. Don't you care that you look like you're illiterate? I would. Also, "A LOT" is TWO FUCKING WORDS. Lots of these morons just avoid the "you're/you're" thing by just typing "UR" for either purpose. No... That doesn't look retarded or ANYTHING. If you're going to do that, why not say "thair" for any of the "their/they're/there" trio? It couldn't look any dumber than "UR."
Anyone who watches SHIT on TV or listens to SHIT on the radio and tries to play it off by saying they just have it on as background noise.
Anyone who MTV appoints as a "music authority." I nearly screamed when Whitney Houston was bitching about bands that lip-synch. Like some bitch who shows up at the studio and sings songs that are completely written and played by other people is going to explain to me what an artist is. Sure- lip-synching is bullshit, but non-songwriter-non-instrument-playing singers are the next huge step in music industry crime. Her albums don't have the name of a band on the front cover. They don't even say "Whitney Houston and the Blah Blah Blah Band." They just say "Whitney Houston," when she had only slightly more to do with the production of her albums than I did..
Those Lottery Ticket Bastards. You're holding up the line at the grocery for THIS? Why not just buy a paper shredder and shove money into it. It works FASTER. Some asshole at the grocery the other day was on his cell phone asking the person on the other end what numbers he should pick. LIKE IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE. Congratulations! All of the ten people waiting behind you in line now hate your guts! You WIN!
E! Great. An entire channel devoted to Celebrity Worship and almost showing tits.
Cheap Assholes who haggle over insignificant amounts of money. I was in Duane Reade today and this fat bitch was buying a candy bar and a greeting card. The card rang up at $2.25. "AAAAWWWW NAWWW!!! THAT RACK SAID 'DOLLAR NINE'EY NINE!'" They went and got the manager, who explained that that card had come off a different rack where they were full price. She then lectured him about false advertising and went to the rack to prove him wrong. I felt like pelting the bitch really hard in her fucking head with the goddamn TWENTY SIX CENTS. While the lady was gone, I stood in line with a whole slew of people waiting behind me for like five minutes, as I tried to catch the cashier's attention as she watched the bitch and the manager debating over why the card was on that particular rack, and what was to be done about the price. "Excuse me, can you just cancel her order and ring me up?" "Sorry, sir." "Y'know what? Fuck it." With that I flung all my crap on the counter and walked out. Yes, I'm a testy asshole when my time is wasted by morons.
People who make sloppy mouth noises all the time. I'm not trying to sound like Miss Manners or anything, but is a piece of gum really THAT entertaining? Do you really get THAT much more enjoyment from it by making cracking sounds after every three chews? I'm glad I have really big headphones. I imagined that this guy in Taco Bell would have sounded like a wooden spoon stirring a talking pot of Macaroni and Cheese if I didn't have them. There was this guy on the train today with a mint or lifesaver or whatever. "Hey, dog-boy, it's a tiny fucking mint! Do you REALLY have to make it sound like you're sucking applesauce in and out of a sloppy, loose vagina with a toilet plunger? Is it truly making you produce so much saliva that you need to open your mouth to breathe so you don't drown? Too fucking bad. Just drown, retard."
Musicians who name an album "Forever." Have you noticed that the only bands that have a "Forever" album are the ones who wore out their welcome three albums ago? Puff Daddy, The Spice Girls, Bobby Brown.... JUST FUCKING GO AWAY! NOBODY LIKES YOU ANYMORE (if in fact anyone ever did). You're just being obstinate. Telling us that you're going to stay around FOREVER just pisses everyone off... well mostly just me. They killed Lennon. Unfortunately, nobody could possibly be interested enough in you to shoot you... HEY WAIT! Nobody is obsessed enough with you except FOR YOU. KILL YOURSELVES! PLEASE PLEASE! I'LL BUY THE BULLETS! I'LL LOAD THE GUN!
Must-See-TV.
People who think Turn Signals are only to be used when they're being extra polite or when there is a cop behind them.
Anyone who uses the phrase, "Take it to the next level." Any asshole can say it about anything and think they sound smart. "He takes pop music to the next level." "It is going to take computer performance to the next level." WHAT LEVEL??? Shut up, you pretentious turds.
Anyone who I tried to give my URL to who didn't know which way a slash leaned or wrote down http://-+.org.
People who try to defend the quality of a shitty band or movie with the retort, "Well - they made a bazillion dollars. How much have you made? You're just jealous." FACT: "Ice Ice Baby" made Vanilla Ice 17.3 million dollars in royalties in one year. Do I really need to elaborate further? Artistic value is not Monetary Value.
Sports. Religion. Riverdance. No way was I going to forget the Big Three.
The fact that EVERY war movie that's been released since "Saving Private Ryan" uses that same shaky chaos-cam effect. Let's dart the camera in really fast, then jiggle it while the big explosion shoots dirt everywhere! Then let's show some guy shooting a gun and put the camera 6 inches from his face and then jostle the camera around really fast so his face barely stays in the frame. Don't forget to use a strobed shutter effect to make everything look impossibly crisp and fast-moving. What made Private Ryan original and revolutionary is what makes your movie trite and hackneyed.
People who walk or drive in front of me as though they have nowhere to be and all day to get there. Somehow these people seem to have a strange ability to take up every inch of a 15 foot wide sidewalk by clustering together in groups and meandering laterally until I finally climb over them. I also hate those people who, in the middle of a crowd of people walking, or in a doorway, will stop dead in their tracks and look around like they missed something or start shuffling around as if, in the middle of a block, they somehow got lost. Today some guy did that in the subway station, of course he was right IN the turnstile with a load of people coming behind him, as everyone had just gotten off the train. I accidentally walked right into him, almost knocking him over. He said, "Excuse me," not in an "I'm sorry" way, but in a "Well, aren't you going to say you're sorry" way. I looked him in the eye and said, "You're excused." It's a shame I didn't "accidentally" head-butt him in the nose.
People who dress their 6 month old baby in Tommy Hilfiger, Fubu, and Timberlands.
People who can happily sit through Dude, Where's My Car, but couldn't possibly watch a foreign movie because they might actually have to READ.
Madonna.
MTV interview:
MTV: Your new album has a different sort of sound.
Madonna: I worked with William Orbit on this album. I like the new sound. We call it "Electronica."
I nearly destroyed my TV. People have been making electronic music since there has been recording equipment. Now Madonna is going to come in and crown herself an innovator and originator of a sound called "Electronica." Just stick to what you do best, you dirty cunt, and shake your 40-something year old implanted tits for the camera. Nice fake english accent too. Did you acquire that from growing up in Detroit? And I have one thing to say to all the people who say," She's not a really good singer, but I love her because she keeps reinventing herself and has such amazing stage presence." You're going to cause me to build a hydrogen bomb and blow up you, me, and everything in a 20 mile radius. Don't make me do it. Please, please don't make me do it.
People who see a Nike ad as the most brilliant piece of cinematography they have ever witnessed.
People who pluralize word's with fucking apostrophe's. Don't these asshole's realize that they look like complete moron's?
People who watch "Who wants to be a Millionaire" and then come to work the next day and think they're clever when they say," Is That Your Final Answer?" as I scowl and reply, "No, I would NOT like to supersize it." Actually, let me retract the qualifier. Anyone who watches any gameshow. The next person who says "You Are The Weakest Link - Good-bye" in my presence is going to have their intestines pulled out with a plastic picnic spork.
Furries. For those of you that are fortunate enough to not know what this is, it's people who role play that they're animals... in a sexual way. They do lots of stupid shit like piling up like foxes in a den or wearing little fucking ears on their heads. They make lots of comic art with anthropomorphic animals having sex. Often it involves mutilation or huge animals eating little animals - huge animals with big throbbing human dicks eating little tiny animals with human breasts. Yeah. Nothing makes me hotter than a dog with a naked woman's body with fur all over it spreading her pussy while devouring a rabbit with a big fat erection. MMMMM! It's so sexy to see an anthropomorphic lion with an anthropomorphic bear fucking it from behind and grabbing it's furry human breasts. Ummm... I try to be accepting of other people's sexual interests but, uhhh.... NO! NO! NO! GET TREATMENT! IT'S NOT HEALTHY TO THINK OF A CAT OR A RABBIT AS BEING SEXUALLY INTERESTING. Quasi-Bestiality is not cute.
Doctors, blind to the world's increasing overpopulation, who keep trying to figure out ways for people to have decatuplets, for infertile couples to have babies, for men to be able to have babies, for women to be able to have babies without sperm, etc. We have TOO MANY PEOPLE NOW, just fucking as usual. Why don't they spend some more time on developing safe, easy methods of birth control and inexhaustible food supplies, since they are also trying to be able to keep people alive over 100 years? The number of people living right now is greater than the number of dead people who lived in the entire span of human history. That should NEVER happen to ANY species. You want to make MORE, and keep them around LONGER? Before this century, menopause in humans was uncommon, since we were not evolved to live that long. Cloning? Wow - that's just what we need. A way to regenerate the rich. That's all the world needs - 100 Ross Perots or Donald Trumps or George W. Bushes, one right after the other.
Anyone, who has ever used the term "Smokers' Rights." I'm not even a big anti-smoking guy, but to assert that somehow the general populace owes you some kind of right to annoy and compromise the health of people around you is silly. Running naked through the street has no risk of adversely affecting the health of others at all. Try that sometime and see what kind of rights you have. I liked that bumper sticker I saw: "More people smoke than voted for Clinton." That's AMAZING, considering that like 8% of Americans vote AT ALL. There's a longer line at Dunkin Donuts than the voting booth. I'll be sure to jot that little statistic about smokers' numbers down somewhere where I won't lose it, being the important and conclusive information that it is.
BBW
Do I hate fat people? No. Do I have even the slightest sexual attraction to fat people? No. Ok - I know dieting isn't easy. I know that some of you girls really struggle with your weight and whatever, but this recent trend of calling yourselves "BBW" (Big Beautiful Women) screams denial in big screamy loud screaming type voices. Fat is sexy? Since when? Since you decided? Since you said so? And you think that "having an attitude" and "carrying yourself well" suddenly reverses what guys see? You say you "Have a booty?" No, see, Pirates have booty. You have a BIG FAT ASS. You're trying to tell me how a "Real Woman" is supposed to look? Yeah, nice Tree-trunk ankles, there, Sasquatch. Since when did you start calling fat girls "healthy?" Oh, sure. A shortened lifespan, reduced energy, stressed joints, respiratory and cardiovascular problems, stretch marks, diabetes, low self esteem and a desire/guilt fixation with food are great indicators of HEALTH. I'm sure you feel really healthy when you get to the top of a flight of stairs and have to rest a few seconds because you're completely out of breath and lightheaded. Fat advocates like to debate that, "All those pictures of women like Salma Hayek or Halle Berry give girls bad self images and can cause eating disorders." The eating disorder that seems to seriously affect far more Americans than anorexia or bulimia is "TOO MUCH, TOO OFTEN of the WRONG STUFF." Surely advertisers don't use thin women in ads because they look beautiful and healthy and sexy, and are eye-catching in a favorable way. They just want to give girls bad self images. Girls should be happy and secure in their bodies. Even if their body is the product of a total lack of exercise and a steady diet of Big Macs and Doritos. Have you ever met a thin girl with muscle tone who wished she was fat? One girl I know said "I don't get fat, I get THICK." Look in the thesaurus. See, thick means.... hmmm... Oh! Here it is! FAT! Thick also means DUMB. The fact that you try to give it a positive connotation by saying it with attitude, like you turned into a big jiggly behemoth on purpose, is DENIAL-LICIOUS. By the way, look up the word "Voluptuous" in the dictionary. What part of that says "fat" because I can't fucking find it. And ladies.... in regards to spandex: NOOOOO. It's not for YOUUUUUU. Spandex is made to be FORM fitting. You do not have FORM. You have shapeless jelly. I know that physical beauty is a shallow thing, but I'll demonstrate my point by looking at the male equivalent. If I lose my hair, the simple FACT of the matter is, I WILL BE significantly less attractive to most women. Period. It might not be "fair" and there's not much I can do about it, but hey, life's a bitch and no amount of strutting and acting like I'm God's shiny-headed gift to women is going to get me laid. Don't describe yourself as "busty" if your large breasts are in scale with the rest of your big, flaccid body. Don't refer to yourself as "curvy" if all your curves are convex. The Michelin Man is ultra-curvy, but nobody will ever want him sexually. Curves are muscular, not jelly-like. When you have a curve made of fat, it's called a ROLL, not a curve. A woman's back should make an "S" curve, not a stack of "3" curves like big doughnuts sitting on top of each other. "Real women have curves!" No, real women have self control, self esteem and get off the couch more often than just to go to the kitchen and go to bed. A human body is supposed to look like muscles supported by a skeleton, not bags of shapeless goo hanging and stretching under their own weight. You claim to have an hourglass figure. If your tits are huge because you're fat, and your ass is huge because you're fat, the fact that the middle is slightly less fat doesn't mean you have an hourglass figure. Jessica Alba has an hourglass figure. Alyssa Milano has an hourglass figure. Delta Burke, Queen Latifa, Rosie O'Donnel, Star Jones and Oprah are FAT. One girl I know said she's not out of shape, because ROUND is a shape. I don't think denial can get much deeper than that. "Guys shouldn't care about my appearance. Guys should care about who I am inside." Oh, yeah. We see what you are inside. We see that you don't care about yourself enough to feel like you're worth the effort to get in shape. We see that plain as day. Do you think guys want to date a girl who's mired in denial and self loathing? We see a lot more than you're giving us credit for. We also see that calling yourself "Big and Beautiful" is a FRONT. Sure, attitude counts a bit, but while you're over there having an attitude and trying to put a positive spin on something that you're too lazy to change, I'll be chasing after petite girls who are built like gymnasts. Don't worry though. When my shiny forehead makes me strike out, I still have your phone number - like all guys do when their 8th choice doesn't come through. Am I shallow? Maybe. Odd how you, being such a deep and profound person, got 3/4th of the way down this page. It's a personal preference. You say that 80% of American women are overweight? Are YOU sexually attracted to MOST PEOPLE? Neither am I. If I say that I don't like girls with three teeth, should I have to explain myself? Are Eye-patch wearing Pirate Girls everywhere angry at my "Two Eyes" requirement? Fine. So don't get sour because I don't find you attractive, when you already know that you aren't. If women can put "successful, professional, "etc. in their personal ads, implying that how much money a guy makes is a make-or-break factor for a possible relationship, don't throw a fit when guys put a "no fat chicks" sticker on their car. If I wanted a waterbed, I would buy one, not date one.
My neighbor's car alarm.
WeeoooWeeoooWeeooo HONK HONK HONK HONK DEE DOOO DEE DOOO AAAA AAAA AAAA AAAA oooooOOOOOO oooooooOOOOOO EEE EEE EEE EEE WEEoooWEEoooWEEoooWEEooo DEEEoooooooDEEEoooooooDEEEoooooooDEEEooooooo
It's so effective too. I bet when I smash his windshield with a pick axe later today he won't even check it since it will just sound exactly the same way it does 500 times a day when the bus goes by.
The "Nigga" Double Standard
Black guy: Yo, nigga - what's up?
White guy: How can you use such a degrading term casually?
Black guy: No no - it's just a casual addressing term like "buddy."
White guy: Oh - ok. Thanks for explaining it to me. Talk to ya later, nigga.
Black guy: Hey! Watch it, asshole!
Fan Fiction. Please just get a fucking hobby.
When Michael Jackson made his "Ghosts" special, didn't you kinda get creeped out at him standing so close to those children? Yeah, me too.
Whoever the fuck it is who KEEPS POSTING FUCKING ROXETTE MP3s on alt.binaries.sounds.mp3. Let me clue you in. The only human being who has ever liked Roxette (other than Roxette's actual members) is YOU. NOBODY ELSE has EVER liked Roxette, and the only reason you like them is because you're an inbred cretin microcephalic. Awww... Did I hurt your feelings? Good.
"Reality" shows like Survivor.
You want a real survivor drama? Drop the contestants off in Antarctica with nothing but a G-string, a pointy stick and a soggy book of matches.
Average looking or even unattractive girls on those slutty "rate my picture" sites who wear a thong and show their tits and get a 9.8.
People who say, "Well... I know AOL is slow, and it disconnects, and I get busy signals, and I pay 25 bucks a month for dialup that's about as good as the dialup that I can get from a dozen different services for free, and they send me spam, and they sell my email address to advertisers, and they use a browser that's like an even buggier version of netscape, but I think I'll stick with them, because even though I know for a fact that they suck, I still like them because I'm a choad. OH! Did I mention that I can EVEN send emails and instant messages? It's SO EASY!"
Those OBNOXIOUS shows where they watch two people go out on a date and remark on every little faux pas and silverware clink. OF COURSE they're going to act perfectly natural with a FUCKING FILM CREW across the table. How sadistic is this shit? GEE, isn't it HILARIOUS when someone looking for affection STRIKES OUT? Let's insert humiliating captions and make him look as stupid as possible. "HAW HAW HAW! Look at him get only the polite handshake goodnight. That's gotta hurt! HAW HAW HAW!" Finally they found something EVEN MORE PETTY than Joan Rivers remarking on how someone's dress was "GAG."
Spike Lee. Here's a guy who is really pissed off about the injustices that blacks have experienced in American history - particularly slavery. I completely agree that slavery and discrimination are unjustified atrocities. But here we have a gifted director who uses his talents and skills and even his persona as "Mars Blackman" to write, direct, and star in television commercials for NIKE and hence, helps PROMOTE SLAVERY in several Third World countries including Indonesia, Vietnam, Korea, and Guam. Call it cheap labor, call it sweat shops, or call it what it really is: SLAVERY. I guess he's cool with slavery as long as it's not him and as long as they pay him enough to advocate it. "Is it the SHOES?" Nope. Just the Double Standard.
People who send me a Rebirth sequence or mp3 of a rebirth song to ask my opinion of their musical ability. That's kinda like showing me your arrangement of GI Joe figures on your bedroom floor to show me what a good general you would be. "I understand what it feels like to take a human life... because I play DOOM on my computer."
People who get this far down this page laughing their asses off, then see one thing that offends them and think, "THAT FUCKING DICK! HOW COULD HE MAKE FUN OF SOMETHING THAT APPLIES DIRECTLY TO ME?" How? Because you're stupid like everyone else. Keep reading and get over it, you hypocritical turd. "Other people's pain is funny."
Christian MP3s. I go on Usenet and IRC and I see people distributing Christian music on MP3. What the fuck is this shit? You can bitch about practically every American freedom there is and then turn around and STEAL and it's OK?? "But, but, but.... It's not REALLY stealing because uhhh ... (quick, Jebidiah, think of a justification) ... it's not a TANGIBLE thing." Yeah? Then you can take all of YOUR intangible rules like the ones about Lust and Envy and SHOVE THEM UP YOUR SHINY CONSECRATED ASSES! Ahh, Christianity! Religion of convenience!
Guys with 1/4 pound of gel in their hair or fat girls looking for something to do since high school graduates can't remain in the drama club, who hear that I make music and inform me that, "Hey, y'know, I can sing."
E/N Message Board pages. OK - here I go pissing off everyone who likes my site. There was this fad where every jerk in the world made a page with pictures of them hanging out, pictures of their dog, fucking awful poetry, fucking awful acrylic paintings they did for school projects, links to 200 of the writer's favorite websites (which always included Stile), etc. This got boring. The writers knew it. So what did they do? Did they bow out respectably? What, are you kidding? Of course not. "Why should I need IDEAS and CREATIVITY to write my page when I can just let ANYONE make my content for me?" The answer to this is simple. Go on IRC for 30 seconds in any channel you want. After this span of time you should realize that 99.999% of people on the internet are barely qualified to fill out a "Change of Address" form at the Post Office, much less write anything requiring any degree of skill or imagination. Yeah... I know I really want MY page to look like.....
People who talk tough on IRC. "You wanna fight me? I mean, I only live 1200 miles away. C'mon, put your money where your mouth is." .... at this point they either try to take the high road and say I'm not worth their time or they start talking in ebonics.
People who brag about ANYTHING on IRC. It's IRC, and I'm a ninja billionaire, secret partner to Bill Gates and I have Lamborghinis in 14 different colors... Which is REALLY CONSISTENT with the personality type of someone who would sit on a stupid network for 8 hours a day asking, "ASL PLZ?"
People who suck. Man! What's the deal with THEM?
People with horrific feet who wear sandals and open toed shoes. Wear sandals because you have cute feet, not because the parasitic twins that you call feet need air to live. And ladies... Your Nail Polish doesn't make up for the curly black hair on the tops of your feet. HOBBIT FEET = NOT SEXY.
Spam. Sure we all hate it for filling up our mailboxes, but why not analyze why spam exists at all? Did you ever get horny by seeing a text ad offering "HOTTTTT SEXXXXY TEENZZZ?" Are you stupid enough to ever seriously consider slinging your banking information at someone just because they offered you a low interest loan through an ad that they sent to thousands of people via email? Did you really think for a second that you REALLY WON a vacation? What kind of idiot writes this shit? What kind of idiot FALLS for this shit? Through the years I've received thousands of unsolicited advertisements online. I have YET to see one that looked like something I would seriously consider. Yet SOMEONE has to fall for this shit or else spammers would give up. I say, "Forget the spammers. Blame the people STUPID ENOUGH TO BUY WHAT THE SPAMMERS ARE SELLING!" That's right, blame the spam-ees. It's their fault that spammers even bother.
The Family Circus. Bil Keane definitely made some deal with the devil to always have a job making comics despite his total inability to do anything amusing. He tries to negate his deal by making his comic overtly preachy christian. The guy who does BC must have the same agent.
People who have a section of their webpage devoted to ranting about their opinionated ideas and all the stuff they hate. Err uhh ... AHEM.
People who use the phrase "Not all policemen are bad." Ahh. How reassuring. Not all the chambers of the gun pointed at your temple have bullets in them.
People who are too quick to play the "What About The Children" card. It's such a fake ploy. Nobody ever wants to play the "What About The Working Poor" or "What About The 20-Something Who Works Three Jobs So He Won't Be A 40-Something Still Paying Off His College Loan" cards. Of course they won't play those cards. It would make it too hard to abstract political issues by using people who are too young to vote as tools for their own benefit.
Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. Those talentless Ken Dolls make my fucking eye twitch.
Movies that receive an R rating for being too IMmature for audiences under 17.
Evangelism. When I see young white guys in suits with book bags in the Bronx on the weekend, I avoid eye contact. Why the hell are you handing me this flyer? You think the reason I haven't accepted religion is that I haven't received enough information about it? Perhaps I know enough about religion to see it as a really stupid thing. Besides, If I don't believe in God, why would you think your little flyer's message that I'm going to be tortured in an imaginary place called Hell is going to scare me? "If you don't pray to the Unicorn King, you'll be eaten by the Jabberwocky." "OH SHIT! REALLY?" And what the fuck is with Mormon Evangelists? If I tell you to your face that I strongly disagree with Christianity, why would you think I would be interested in joining a CULT that's loosely based on Christianity? Why are evangelists so pushy? The answer is simple. Undeniable truth is generally self-evident. If the message were undeniably true, then nobody would EVER have to be indoctrinated. If a truth is so obvious that you'll stumble over it eventually on your own, why would anyone waste their effort trying to push it at you? Common sense doesn't need to be sold. Snake oil does.
Bling Bling.
Howard Stern and everyone who thinks he's a genius.
"Wow. You have a nice body. Hey, Gary. She has a nice body, huh?" "Yeah." "Wow. Those are nice breasts. Can I see them? Wow. Those are nice. Hey Gary, can you see these?" "Yeah. They're nice." "Wow. Are those real? Really? I thought they were fake. Wow. Turn around for me? Wow."
Don't get me wrong. I'm a great fan of bad taste and immaturity, but this guy has made an entire career out of completely inane third grader humor. People always say they love him because "you never know what he's going to say next." REALLY? You seriously can't predict with 99% accuracy what he's going to say? He might say things that are politically incorrect or irreverent or whatever, but can you actually sit there and tell me you can't see it coming a mile away? He probably looks at the Stile Project and thinks it's highbrow humor. Fart Man: Now THERE'S something truly inventive and ingenious. Very oblique and off-the-cuff. Yeah- there's nothing in the world more interesting and entertaining than watching a girl who is as intelligent as beige wallpaper with giant headphones and computer-distorted breasts talking to a middle-aged drooling idiot. Update May 2004: As a strong supporter of Free Speech and the right to broadcast what you want on public airwaves, I get really pissed off that I have to run to the defense of someone who I already think is a total idiot. Gee, thanks for endangering EVERYONE's right to free speech by wrapping yourself in the flag and rubbing your right to say whatever retarded bullshit you want in the FCC's nose. It is very grudgingly that I stand behind him as he's booted off the air for broadcasting something that someone thought was offensive. If anything, I was hoping eventually his show would be cancelled because America wouldn't have enough idiots to think he was cool and keep his advertising revenue coming in. This is not how it should have ended - with me rallying behind the moron for his right to be a moron.
Anyone who's success in the music business hinges on the fact that they look really good. "What do you mean you don't like __________? Don't you think she's pretty?" (Insert Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, Beyonce. Mariah Carey, Jewel, Mya, Jennifer Lopez, Shakira, Alicia Keys, Jessica Simpson, etc. as necessary.) Since when did someone's musicianship revolve around how hot they look? If you're one of those saps who says "I love her because she has such stage presence," then congratulations. You've been duped, Sucker. In this post-MTV era, artists' appearances are the most important, and marketable aspect in popular music. There's no way of knowing how many brilliant musicians we've missed out on, because major music labels now give ability a back seat to looking sexy. How much further would Hip-Hop have progressed if having strong content carried more weight than projecting a 'hard' image? Why has Techno always been on the back burner? No lead singer. It's about the music, stupid.
The "Violent Femmes" Phenomenon. It seems inevitable. Whenever I'm at a party, someone puts on "Blister in the Sun" and a strange thing happens. Every girl in the entire place starts singing and they ALL know ALL the lyrics. "Add It Up" seems to be played less frequently, but they know all THOSE words too. Why is it JUST THIS BAND? I mean, there are shitloads of songs that everyone knows, but for some reason those songs cause some sort of chemically charged urge in women to sing. Why the Violent Femmes? Remember that day in the fifth grade when they took all the girls to one classroom and shut the door and told them secret, dirty things? They taught them Violent Femmes lyrics.
The collective "unexamined life" that is Modern American Culture.
People who use their webpage as their diary. "I went to the store today and like, all I wanted was a Snapple, but the checker was like soooooooo slow and I was in a hurry because I was late to class and I was like 'GEEZ! Could you get any slower?' I mean, FER-REAL! No wonder they pay you like, minimum, like wage, or something. So I was trying to think of where I wanna go on vacation and I was thinking Florida or California, but I donno, and I doubt my mom would like, let me go and I think my boyfriend would get, like, mad and jealous because he can't go, but I think I'll dump him anyways because like there is this guy in my Spanish 2 class that is like soooooooo cute and I think he has a girlfriend but he smiled at me like, OMG, 2 times today, and we talked once a couple weeks ago and I said how like Carson Daly TOTALLY made TRL the coolest and he said, "yeah," so I can tell he is SO TOTALLY into me, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc....." DIE NOISILY, YOU BORING ASSHOLE! Write something for public display when you HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!
Celine Dion and Garth Brooks. "I'm leaving the music business." Six months later - "Yeah well I'm quitting the music business to do other things." Nine months later - "We're doing a farewell tour since I'm leaving the music business." A year and six months and 5433 TV appearances and 762 magazine covers and millions of dollars later - "Five more shows and that's it - I'm leaving - after I play my final greedy telecast Pay-Per-View show in Central Park." Two years later - COMEBACK TOUR!! (This was originally written at the beginning of 2000. It's November 25, 2001 and I just saw a commercial for Garth Brooks' new album. It's only been 2 years since his last album, which is an average span of time that most bands spend between albums, so where's the "quitting" part of this stupid publicity stunt? Damn - sometimes I hate when I'm right.) (Updated March 2003: The new Celine Dion comes out this month, complete with an accompanying DVD..... Yep. The notion of never hearing her stupid screaming was too good to be true. Note to self: Yes, you are always right. Shoot self.)
Guys in their forties who still haven't figured out how to shave properly. What are you using? A serrated bread knife? You butchered yourself and still managed to miss half of your face. Do you need an instructional video? This isn't rocket science.
Guys who let their thick, curly nose and ear hair grow to Rapunzel proportions. Do I have to elaborate?
The fact that MTV uses electronic music in 98% of their commercials, yet gives it zero recognition in its programming.
People in line at McDonalds who seriously can't decide what they want. How long have you been coming to McDonalds? How many radical menu changes have occurred since your last visit? Have you still not noticed that most everything on the menu tastes about the same, plus or minus toppings? You couldn't have been reading the menu while you were waiting in line? People like that should be sacrificed by some primitive tribe in South America to the volcano god.
"Do
you have Mountain Dew?"
"We have Coke, Diet
Coke, Sprite, Orange Soda, and Iced Tea."
"No Mountain Dew?
Hmmm... Do you have Dr. Pepper?"
"We have Coke, Diet
Coke, Sprite, Orange Soda, and Iced Tea."
"Grape Soda?"
"No."
"Ginger Ale?"
"No."
"Hmmmm. What sodas
do you have again?"
"We have Coke, Diet
Coke, Sprite, Orange Soda, Iced Tea and MURDER! MURDER!!! MURDER!!!!!."
"Diet Sprite?"
"I want a Quarter
Pounder.... and uhhhhhhh a Medium Fries..... and uhhhhhhh a 6 piece McNuggets.....
and uhhhhhhh a Medium Coke........ and uhhhhhh actually make that a Large
Coke and uhhhhhh..... a Big Mac........"
"That will be
$17.75."
(Counting a big pile
of loose, wrinkled one dollar bills and assorted coins) "Uhhhhhhhh....
and can I get one of those pies?"
"$18.58."
"Do you still
have that McRib sandwich?"
"No Ma'am."
"Are you sure?
That was good."
"We just have
what's up on the board."
"Ok, but I was
hoping to get one of those. Maybe I should talk to the manager."
"I am the manager.
They only do the McRib as a special thing ocassionally." (Manager is 18 years
old)
"Ok...... (Looks
up at the menu board for a long time as if it's all new. Still scanning
for McRib.) And uhhhhhh...... If i get a combo, can I exchange my drink
for another thing of french fries? Ok... uhhhh - change that to a combo
and give me double fries....... uhhhhhh and... uhhhhh can I get a Quarter
Pounder with Cheese? What do you want, baby?" ( 4 year old Child
continues picking his nose and points at the picture of a double Quarter
Pounder with Cheese) "No, no, baby. You're not getting that. What
do you want?" (Child continues picking his nose and points at the
picture of an ice cream cone) "C'mon baby, that's dessert. you want
a burger?" (Child buries his face in his mother's hip and she continues
to try to coax him to make his own decision about what to eat) "Ok,
just give me a Happy Meal."
"$22.49."
(Still shuffling through a big pile of bills) "Ummmmmmmmm..... How
much will if it be if I add a medium shake?"
"$23.37."
"Ohh! I forgot to tell you I had a coupon for that value meal."
At this point, enough time has elapsed that I have constructed a crude
flame thrower out of the ketchup bin, a napkin dispenser and the plastic
head of the Mayor McCheese statue from the play area and I torch the place.
Screaming ensues, though the child continues picking his nose. The fries
are still soggy.
Former Music channel, MTV.
The ignored truths of the September 11th attacks and the mess that followed.
1.) On September
10th George W. Bush was a mildly retarded hillbilly who stole the presidency
by having his brother's help in rigging the election in Florida, and suddenly
on September 11th he's transformed into America's pillar of strength and
wisdom? You think he's a genius for going to war against Afghanistan?
He did EXACTLY what any president would have done. That doesn't make him
a brilliant man. When you have an entire nation screaming for war, it
doesn't take a nuclear physicist to think that maybe it's the appropriate
response. Besides- he's a warmonger anyway. Before Sept. 11th he was
doing everything he possibly could to piss China off. There was no way
he was going to let 4 years go by without getting into a war with SOMEbody.
2.) The return
to religion. Falwell and Robertson loved what happened. It's been years
since they'd had a chance to point in people's faces and say, "SEE! GOD
LET BAD SHIT HAPPEN TO YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE NOT OBEDIENT!" and have people
actually kinda listen to them. Opportunistic bastards! I guess people
completely forgot the core of this whole issue. People who loved Islam,
a religion with a fake god, killed a shitload of people because they hate
Americans for following Christianity and Judaism, other religions with
fake gods. If nobody believed in God, this would have never happened.
Period. For me, this is not a time to turn to religion for hope, it's
a time to turn to religion for BLAME.
Today on my way to work, I passed
by THIS ADVERTISEMENT for a
TV show and it caught my eye. The ad featured a pair of women's legs in
fishnet stockings. My initial response was the obvious warm-blooded heterosexual
male reaction, but what really smacked me hard was what someone had scrawled
on it with a black marker.
"Can we afford this? 9/11"
This instantly irritated me. The message is cowardly. "We'll stop
being honest about our natural sexuality! Just please, please don't hurt
us again!" It was obviously written by someone following one of two
principles that I despise:
a.) "If we have an interest in sex, we will anger God and he will
smite us in his (oh, pardon me - I forgot to capitalize "His")
wrath."
or...
b.) "If we offend the backwards, sexually repressed value system
of Fundamentalist Islamic Terrorists by being honest about sexuality,
they will hurt us, so we should give up our sexual freedoms and right
to freedom of expression and follow the same absurd, unreasonable and
unnatural restrictions that Muslim Governed Countries impose on their
people."
Both messages are utterly cowardly and they both convey the message that
if we approach, discuss or engage in sexuality in an overt, natural and
frank manner, then we DESERVE to be killed. That's not the same as saying
that we might deserve retribution for meddling in international affairs,
but literally means that we should pander to people with unnatural, prudish,
uncomfortable and even fearful views towards sex who impose repressive
restrictions on the conduct and social position of women. "Your culture
isn't completely prudish and unliberated! Hence, you deserve to be murdered
en masse." 3.) You think
the new Afghan Regime hates us less? 4.) The Idiotic
American Commercialism. Thanks to some misdirected greedy bastards, we
get to remember one of the most tragic events in our nation's history
with a T-shirt-Of-The-Week. It makes me feel so fucking proud to wear
a t-shirt that gives the worst loss of American life on American soil
since the Civil War the same solemn respect that we gave "U Can't Touch
This," "Where's the Beef?" "Eat My Shorts Man," and the ever-popular
"I'm With Stupid------->." 5.) Before
the disaster, the NYPD was trying to save its ass after officers shot
at an unarmed civilian forty one times, an officer ran over a pregnant
mother and her two kids while drunk driving through a red light on the
way to work his shift, and others violently sodomized an immigrant with
a toilet plunger handle and turned his guts to hamburger meat. Then some
of them die while actually doing the job they were hired to do, and suddenly
they're the pinnacle of decency and bravery, to be revered by all humans
on earth forever, until the end of time, amen. When I bring this point
up, I always get "Just leave them alone - they've gone through enough.
So many of them died." The NYPD as an organization suffered, but the individuals
who committed these atrocities are all still alive and STILL FREE. Maybe
we should build a new building and blow it up so we have some rubble to
bury THEM in. 6) The illusion
of safety. I sure feel better now that when I go to my job, they check
my ID when I come in the lobby. That way, when the jumbo jet comes hurtling
through the building, I know that all the people who get slaughtered are
legitimate employees. 7) Before
Sept 11, a guy who let an old lady cut in line in the grocery was "A Nice
Guy." Now he's a "HERO!"
8) The blind acceptance of the new surveillance police state. After the attacks, congress started legislation (USA Patriot Act H. R. 3162)
to ease restrictions on police surveillance and allow them to do things like tap phone lines and confiscate computers and business records without court orders to do so. Fourth Amendment be damned! These aren't changes that are going to GO AWAY once Osama is in our clutches. These are new gaps in our freedom that cops are going to be able to use to invade our privacy and bust us for whatever they feel like making illegal... WITHOUT a warrant. Today they use the term "Terrorist." Tomorrow they could use a term like "Radical," or "Subversive." No doubt some of those ancient, out of touch, upper-class white senators consider a pot dealer or ham radio operator an "Enemy of the State." George W. Bush said that the reason we were attacked was because we are envied by countries that don't enjoy the same freedoms as us. He's doing everything he can to FIX it though. Once we lose those pesky freedoms, they'll have nothing left to envy. "Civil rights? Sure! Take them away! Just keep us safe from the bad, bad terrorists!" The USA Patriot Act... You're patriotic... when we can WATCH YOU.
9) The way the media lumps the US attacking Iraq as just another part of the absurd "War On Terror," despite the fact that Iraq had ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH 9/11, and Hussein and Bin Laden hate each other's guts.
Rappers who take a 70's or 80's hit, mute the vocal track, rap over it, and have a fat woman sing the original chorus from the song. I'm not one to rant about how things influence youth in a bad way- but when laziness and lack of creativity of this magnitude gets rewarded and admired it makes me want to vomit. I remember Negativland getting sued by U2 for using a sample creatively. Kinda makes me ill when talentless, narcissistic people like Puff Daddy can make millions and be perceived by so many young people as creative genii.
Deodorants that make you smell like a pine forest with body odor.
<idiot>
people
<idiot> on IRC
<idiot> who type
<idiot> like this
<idiot> is the
<idiot> enter key
<idiot> attached to
<idiot> an electrode
<idiot> in your brain's
<idiot> pleasure centers
<idiot> or something?
<idiot> what the fuck
<idiot> is wrong
<idiot> with you
<idiot> dip
<idiot> shit
<idiot> mother
<idiot> fuck
<idiot> e
<idiot> r?
<idiot> on IRC
<idiot> who type
<idiot> like this
<idiot> is the
<idiot> enter key
<idiot> attached to
<idiot> an electrode
<idiot> in your brain's
<idiot> pleasure centers
<idiot> or something?
<idiot> what the fuck
<idiot> is wrong
<idiot> with you
<idiot> dip
<idiot> shit
<idiot> mother
<idiot> fuck
<idiot> e
<idiot> r?
People who give a sub-mediocre performance at their jobs, who get fired after they call in sick two out of three Fridays with a "stomach virus" (hangover) and then bitch and fly into a lengthy tirade about how they are victims of an unfeeling corporate system. Of course its not YOUR fault. Surely they didn't fire you just because you continually fight with your coworkers or because you stole 250 bucks out of the register. They fired you because THE MAN is holding you down.
Valentines Day. The delightful thing about Valentines Day is that if you're in a relationship, you're required by law to waste exorbitant amounts of money on gaudy meaningless trinkets that will be forgotten in seconds or your relationship is in DEEP trouble, and if you're not in a relationship you get to curl up in the tub in fetal position, despising every living thing on earth as the searing water beats down on you.
People who sit there with a smug, satisfied smile after saying, "Well, you can't prove that God DOESN'T exist," as though they just hit me with the ultimate nuclear powered undeniable argument. Gee - That'll really shut me up. You got me there, Cap'n Philosopher. They always try to act like the mere presence of the earth is proof of God's existence. If I told you that I painted Van Gogh's "Starry Night," is the fact that the painting exists proof that it's true?
Hard rock bands who have a DJ scratching violently on turntables in the video when all you can hear is the usual Guitar, Bass, and Drums. POSERS. Why not have him playing a Jew's Harp or a Slide Whistle... maybe an Accordion or a Digeridu? It's not like he's actually making any sound in the recording, so what's the difference? And am I the only one who's noticed that Linkin Park is like a boyband clone of Limp Bisquick?
People who spend more time fixing their hair in a single day than they do developing their personality in a entire year.
People who do impersonations of Dana Carvey doing impersonations. Personally I can't remember George Bush ever saying, "Wouldn't be prudent," so where's the comedy?
People on the train who are wearing new shoes, nice clean brand name clothes, jewelry, and new leather jackets who are begging for money.
Morning News/Talk shows. Read the fucking news. Do you think I want to see a picture of your baby? Are the idiots outside with the "Hi Mom" signs considered newsworthy? Are old people's birthdays newsworthy? I'm not your friend. Only a good friend would give a rat's ass about your fishing trip. In fact a good friend would probably only PRETEND to be interested in your stupid personal life. I, being a NON-friend, could give two shits. READ THE FUCKING NEWS!
Morons who get gold and platinum teeth. Ahh - another way for trendy dipshits to spend large amounts of money on something they won't want down the road. At least you could take bellbottoms off and give them to the Salvation Army. Let's face it, at 22 you think you look like a "player." People look at a 45 year old with metal teeth and think, "Hmm - He must really like taffy a lot more than flossing." But Congratulations! Your six dollar face now has a million dollar smile.
WHAZAAAAAAAP. Please stop drinking Bud and start drinking Drano. Thanks to your overuse of this CORPORATE SLOGAN (and that's what it is now), there are packs of foreigners on IRC who know only one english phrase. "Waaazzzzzzzaaaaaappppppp!!! HRU CTC ASL PLZ."
Rich People Who Don't Get It. The economy's fucked. What's the Rich People's solution to the problem? "People need to go out there and fuel the economy by buying things." Wow - that's great advice now that the unemployment rate is the highest it's been in 30 years. "Silly poor jobless people. They should have diversified their portfolios. It's their own fault they're in this mess. Now be a dear and pass the foie gras, darling."
The shallow pool of creative thought in the American media. Has the well completely run dry? All you can do now is make sequels and movies based on old tv shows? How many 007 movies can you possibly make? How many Star Trek series? How many Superman spin-offs? Charlie's Angels, The Grinch, Planet of the Apes, Star Wars Prequels, The Saint, Spiderman the Movie, Batman, Lord of the Rings, Movies based on video games, A million Dracula movies and shows... It goes on and on. In pop music it's getting hard to find songs that AREN'T remakes. Am I the only guy who vomited when Madonna did "American Pie" or when that collaboration of whores did that remake of "Lady Marmalade?"
People who use "Their, There, and They're" and "You're and Your" and "Too and To" and "Then and Than" as though they are interchangeable, and then try to defend themselves with "I always just do it like that. You think I need an English Teacher?" No. I think you need some self esteem. Don't you care that you look like you're illiterate? I would. Also, "A LOT" is TWO FUCKING WORDS. Lots of these morons just avoid the "you're/you're" thing by just typing "UR" for either purpose. No... That doesn't look retarded or ANYTHING. If you're going to do that, why not say "thair" for any of the "their/they're/there" trio? It couldn't look any dumber than "UR."
Anyone who watches SHIT on TV or listens to SHIT on the radio and tries to play it off by saying they just have it on as background noise.
Anyone who MTV appoints as a "music authority." I nearly screamed when Whitney Houston was bitching about bands that lip-synch. Like some bitch who shows up at the studio and sings songs that are completely written and played by other people is going to explain to me what an artist is. Sure- lip-synching is bullshit, but non-songwriter-non-instrument-playing singers are the next huge step in music industry crime. Her albums don't have the name of a band on the front cover. They don't even say "Whitney Houston and the Blah Blah Blah Band." They just say "Whitney Houston," when she had only slightly more to do with the production of her albums than I did..
Those Lottery Ticket Bastards. You're holding up the line at the grocery for THIS? Why not just buy a paper shredder and shove money into it. It works FASTER. Some asshole at the grocery the other day was on his cell phone asking the person on the other end what numbers he should pick. LIKE IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE. Congratulations! All of the ten people waiting behind you in line now hate your guts! You WIN!
E! Great. An entire channel devoted to Celebrity Worship and almost showing tits.
Cheap Assholes who haggle over insignificant amounts of money. I was in Duane Reade today and this fat bitch was buying a candy bar and a greeting card. The card rang up at $2.25. "AAAAWWWW NAWWW!!! THAT RACK SAID 'DOLLAR NINE'EY NINE!'" They went and got the manager, who explained that that card had come off a different rack where they were full price. She then lectured him about false advertising and went to the rack to prove him wrong. I felt like pelting the bitch really hard in her fucking head with the goddamn TWENTY SIX CENTS. While the lady was gone, I stood in line with a whole slew of people waiting behind me for like five minutes, as I tried to catch the cashier's attention as she watched the bitch and the manager debating over why the card was on that particular rack, and what was to be done about the price. "Excuse me, can you just cancel her order and ring me up?" "Sorry, sir." "Y'know what? Fuck it." With that I flung all my crap on the counter and walked out. Yes, I'm a testy asshole when my time is wasted by morons.
People who make sloppy mouth noises all the time. I'm not trying to sound like Miss Manners or anything, but is a piece of gum really THAT entertaining? Do you really get THAT much more enjoyment from it by making cracking sounds after every three chews? I'm glad I have really big headphones. I imagined that this guy in Taco Bell would have sounded like a wooden spoon stirring a talking pot of Macaroni and Cheese if I didn't have them. There was this guy on the train today with a mint or lifesaver or whatever. "Hey, dog-boy, it's a tiny fucking mint! Do you REALLY have to make it sound like you're sucking applesauce in and out of a sloppy, loose vagina with a toilet plunger? Is it truly making you produce so much saliva that you need to open your mouth to breathe so you don't drown? Too fucking bad. Just drown, retard."
Musicians who name an album "Forever." Have you noticed that the only bands that have a "Forever" album are the ones who wore out their welcome three albums ago? Puff Daddy, The Spice Girls, Bobby Brown.... JUST FUCKING GO AWAY! NOBODY LIKES YOU ANYMORE (if in fact anyone ever did). You're just being obstinate. Telling us that you're going to stay around FOREVER just pisses everyone off... well mostly just me. They killed Lennon. Unfortunately, nobody could possibly be interested enough in you to shoot you... HEY WAIT! Nobody is obsessed enough with you except FOR YOU. KILL YOURSELVES! PLEASE PLEASE! I'LL BUY THE BULLETS! I'LL LOAD THE GUN!
Must-See-TV.
People who think Turn Signals are only to be used when they're being extra polite or when there is a cop behind them.
Anyone who uses the phrase, "Take it to the next level." Any asshole can say it about anything and think they sound smart. "He takes pop music to the next level." "It is going to take computer performance to the next level." WHAT LEVEL??? Shut up, you pretentious turds.
Anyone who I tried to give my URL to who didn't know which way a slash leaned or wrote down http://-+.org.
People who try to defend the quality of a shitty band or movie with the retort, "Well - they made a bazillion dollars. How much have you made? You're just jealous." FACT: "Ice Ice Baby" made Vanilla Ice 17.3 million dollars in royalties in one year. Do I really need to elaborate further? Artistic value is not Monetary Value.
Sports. Religion. Riverdance. No way was I going to forget the Big Three.
The fact that EVERY war movie that's been released since "Saving Private Ryan" uses that same shaky chaos-cam effect. Let's dart the camera in really fast, then jiggle it while the big explosion shoots dirt everywhere! Then let's show some guy shooting a gun and put the camera 6 inches from his face and then jostle the camera around really fast so his face barely stays in the frame. Don't forget to use a strobed shutter effect to make everything look impossibly crisp and fast-moving. What made Private Ryan original and revolutionary is what makes your movie trite and hackneyed.
People who walk or drive in front of me as though they have nowhere to be and all day to get there. Somehow these people seem to have a strange ability to take up every inch of a 15 foot wide sidewalk by clustering together in groups and meandering laterally until I finally climb over them. I also hate those people who, in the middle of a crowd of people walking, or in a doorway, will stop dead in their tracks and look around like they missed something or start shuffling around as if, in the middle of a block, they somehow got lost. Today some guy did that in the subway station, of course he was right IN the turnstile with a load of people coming behind him, as everyone had just gotten off the train. I accidentally walked right into him, almost knocking him over. He said, "Excuse me," not in an "I'm sorry" way, but in a "Well, aren't you going to say you're sorry" way. I looked him in the eye and said, "You're excused." It's a shame I didn't "accidentally" head-butt him in the nose.
People who dress their 6 month old baby in Tommy Hilfiger, Fubu, and Timberlands.
People who can happily sit through Dude, Where's My Car, but couldn't possibly watch a foreign movie because they might actually have to READ.
Madonna.
MTV interview:
MTV: Your new album has a different sort of sound.
Madonna: I worked with William Orbit on this album. I like the new sound. We call it "Electronica."
I nearly destroyed my TV. People have been making electronic music since there has been recording equipment. Now Madonna is going to come in and crown herself an innovator and originator of a sound called "Electronica." Just stick to what you do best, you dirty cunt, and shake your 40-something year old implanted tits for the camera. Nice fake english accent too. Did you acquire that from growing up in Detroit? And I have one thing to say to all the people who say," She's not a really good singer, but I love her because she keeps reinventing herself and has such amazing stage presence." You're going to cause me to build a hydrogen bomb and blow up you, me, and everything in a 20 mile radius. Don't make me do it. Please, please don't make me do it.
People who see a Nike ad as the most brilliant piece of cinematography they have ever witnessed.
People who pluralize word's with fucking apostrophe's. Don't these asshole's realize that they look like complete moron's?
People who watch "Who wants to be a Millionaire" and then come to work the next day and think they're clever when they say," Is That Your Final Answer?" as I scowl and reply, "No, I would NOT like to supersize it." Actually, let me retract the qualifier. Anyone who watches any gameshow. The next person who says "You Are The Weakest Link - Good-bye" in my presence is going to have their intestines pulled out with a plastic picnic spork.
Furries. For those of you that are fortunate enough to not know what this is, it's people who role play that they're animals... in a sexual way. They do lots of stupid shit like piling up like foxes in a den or wearing little fucking ears on their heads. They make lots of comic art with anthropomorphic animals having sex. Often it involves mutilation or huge animals eating little animals - huge animals with big throbbing human dicks eating little tiny animals with human breasts. Yeah. Nothing makes me hotter than a dog with a naked woman's body with fur all over it spreading her pussy while devouring a rabbit with a big fat erection. MMMMM! It's so sexy to see an anthropomorphic lion with an anthropomorphic bear fucking it from behind and grabbing it's furry human breasts. Ummm... I try to be accepting of other people's sexual interests but, uhhh.... NO! NO! NO! GET TREATMENT! IT'S NOT HEALTHY TO THINK OF A CAT OR A RABBIT AS BEING SEXUALLY INTERESTING. Quasi-Bestiality is not cute.
Doctors, blind to the world's increasing overpopulation, who keep trying to figure out ways for people to have decatuplets, for infertile couples to have babies, for men to be able to have babies, for women to be able to have babies without sperm, etc. We have TOO MANY PEOPLE NOW, just fucking as usual. Why don't they spend some more time on developing safe, easy methods of birth control and inexhaustible food supplies, since they are also trying to be able to keep people alive over 100 years? The number of people living right now is greater than the number of dead people who lived in the entire span of human history. That should NEVER happen to ANY species. You want to make MORE, and keep them around LONGER? Before this century, menopause in humans was uncommon, since we were not evolved to live that long. Cloning? Wow - that's just what we need. A way to regenerate the rich. That's all the world needs - 100 Ross Perots or Donald Trumps or George W. Bushes, one right after the other.
Anyone, who has ever used the term "Smokers' Rights." I'm not even a big anti-smoking guy, but to assert that somehow the general populace owes you some kind of right to annoy and compromise the health of people around you is silly. Running naked through the street has no risk of adversely affecting the health of others at all. Try that sometime and see what kind of rights you have. I liked that bumper sticker I saw: "More people smoke than voted for Clinton." That's AMAZING, considering that like 8% of Americans vote AT ALL. There's a longer line at Dunkin Donuts than the voting booth. I'll be sure to jot that little statistic about smokers' numbers down somewhere where I won't lose it, being the important and conclusive information that it is.
On the flip side of this coin... What about these retards who have made it their lifelong crusade to attempt to implant guilt in smokers every time they even SEE a lit cigarette across a room. You know the ones. The ones who's battle cry is the famous "uh-HEH-uh-HEH-uh-HEMMMMMM" fake-as-fuck cough. Every time I see this in action I feel like shoving some burning garbage down their tracheas to give them something real to cough about.
On another side note, smokers who don't just casually litter by tossing butts all over the sidewalk are fucking RARE. If I can't casually drop a Pepsi can on the street, you can't drop a fucking cigarette butt, assholes.
BBW
Do I hate fat people? No. Do I have even the slightest sexual attraction to fat people? No. Ok - I know dieting isn't easy. I know that some of you girls really struggle with your weight and whatever, but this recent trend of calling yourselves "BBW" (Big Beautiful Women) screams denial in big screamy loud screaming type voices. Fat is sexy? Since when? Since you decided? Since you said so? And you think that "having an attitude" and "carrying yourself well" suddenly reverses what guys see? You say you "Have a booty?" No, see, Pirates have booty. You have a BIG FAT ASS. You're trying to tell me how a "Real Woman" is supposed to look? Yeah, nice Tree-trunk ankles, there, Sasquatch. Since when did you start calling fat girls "healthy?" Oh, sure. A shortened lifespan, reduced energy, stressed joints, respiratory and cardiovascular problems, stretch marks, diabetes, low self esteem and a desire/guilt fixation with food are great indicators of HEALTH. I'm sure you feel really healthy when you get to the top of a flight of stairs and have to rest a few seconds because you're completely out of breath and lightheaded. Fat advocates like to debate that, "All those pictures of women like Salma Hayek or Halle Berry give girls bad self images and can cause eating disorders." The eating disorder that seems to seriously affect far more Americans than anorexia or bulimia is "TOO MUCH, TOO OFTEN of the WRONG STUFF." Surely advertisers don't use thin women in ads because they look beautiful and healthy and sexy, and are eye-catching in a favorable way. They just want to give girls bad self images. Girls should be happy and secure in their bodies. Even if their body is the product of a total lack of exercise and a steady diet of Big Macs and Doritos. Have you ever met a thin girl with muscle tone who wished she was fat? One girl I know said "I don't get fat, I get THICK." Look in the thesaurus. See, thick means.... hmmm... Oh! Here it is! FAT! Thick also means DUMB. The fact that you try to give it a positive connotation by saying it with attitude, like you turned into a big jiggly behemoth on purpose, is DENIAL-LICIOUS. By the way, look up the word "Voluptuous" in the dictionary. What part of that says "fat" because I can't fucking find it. And ladies.... in regards to spandex: NOOOOO. It's not for YOUUUUUU. Spandex is made to be FORM fitting. You do not have FORM. You have shapeless jelly. I know that physical beauty is a shallow thing, but I'll demonstrate my point by looking at the male equivalent. If I lose my hair, the simple FACT of the matter is, I WILL BE significantly less attractive to most women. Period. It might not be "fair" and there's not much I can do about it, but hey, life's a bitch and no amount of strutting and acting like I'm God's shiny-headed gift to women is going to get me laid. Don't describe yourself as "busty" if your large breasts are in scale with the rest of your big, flaccid body. Don't refer to yourself as "curvy" if all your curves are convex. The Michelin Man is ultra-curvy, but nobody will ever want him sexually. Curves are muscular, not jelly-like. When you have a curve made of fat, it's called a ROLL, not a curve. A woman's back should make an "S" curve, not a stack of "3" curves like big doughnuts sitting on top of each other. "Real women have curves!" No, real women have self control, self esteem and get off the couch more often than just to go to the kitchen and go to bed. A human body is supposed to look like muscles supported by a skeleton, not bags of shapeless goo hanging and stretching under their own weight. You claim to have an hourglass figure. If your tits are huge because you're fat, and your ass is huge because you're fat, the fact that the middle is slightly less fat doesn't mean you have an hourglass figure. Jessica Alba has an hourglass figure. Alyssa Milano has an hourglass figure. Delta Burke, Queen Latifa, Rosie O'Donnel, Star Jones and Oprah are FAT. One girl I know said she's not out of shape, because ROUND is a shape. I don't think denial can get much deeper than that. "Guys shouldn't care about my appearance. Guys should care about who I am inside." Oh, yeah. We see what you are inside. We see that you don't care about yourself enough to feel like you're worth the effort to get in shape. We see that plain as day. Do you think guys want to date a girl who's mired in denial and self loathing? We see a lot more than you're giving us credit for. We also see that calling yourself "Big and Beautiful" is a FRONT. Sure, attitude counts a bit, but while you're over there having an attitude and trying to put a positive spin on something that you're too lazy to change, I'll be chasing after petite girls who are built like gymnasts. Don't worry though. When my shiny forehead makes me strike out, I still have your phone number - like all guys do when their 8th choice doesn't come through. Am I shallow? Maybe. Odd how you, being such a deep and profound person, got 3/4th of the way down this page. It's a personal preference. You say that 80% of American women are overweight? Are YOU sexually attracted to MOST PEOPLE? Neither am I. If I say that I don't like girls with three teeth, should I have to explain myself? Are Eye-patch wearing Pirate Girls everywhere angry at my "Two Eyes" requirement? Fine. So don't get sour because I don't find you attractive, when you already know that you aren't. If women can put "successful, professional, "etc. in their personal ads, implying that how much money a guy makes is a make-or-break factor for a possible relationship, don't throw a fit when guys put a "no fat chicks" sticker on their car. If I wanted a waterbed, I would buy one, not date one.
My neighbor's car alarm.
WeeoooWeeoooWeeooo HONK HONK HONK HONK DEE DOOO DEE DOOO AAAA AAAA AAAA AAAA oooooOOOOOO oooooooOOOOOO EEE EEE EEE EEE WEEoooWEEoooWEEoooWEEooo DEEEoooooooDEEEoooooooDEEEoooooooDEEEooooooo
It's so effective too. I bet when I smash his windshield with a pick axe later today he won't even check it since it will just sound exactly the same way it does 500 times a day when the bus goes by.
The "Nigga" Double Standard
Black guy: Yo, nigga - what's up?
White guy: How can you use such a degrading term casually?
Black guy: No no - it's just a casual addressing term like "buddy."
White guy: Oh - ok. Thanks for explaining it to me. Talk to ya later, nigga.
Black guy: Hey! Watch it, asshole!
Fan Fiction. Please just get a fucking hobby.
When Michael Jackson made his "Ghosts" special, didn't you kinda get creeped out at him standing so close to those children? Yeah, me too.
Whoever the fuck it is who KEEPS POSTING FUCKING ROXETTE MP3s on alt.binaries.sounds.mp3. Let me clue you in. The only human being who has ever liked Roxette (other than Roxette's actual members) is YOU. NOBODY ELSE has EVER liked Roxette, and the only reason you like them is because you're an inbred cretin microcephalic. Awww... Did I hurt your feelings? Good.
"Reality" shows like Survivor.
You want a real survivor drama? Drop the contestants off in Antarctica with nothing but a G-string, a pointy stick and a soggy book of matches.
Average looking or even unattractive girls on those slutty "rate my picture" sites who wear a thong and show their tits and get a 9.8.
People who say, "Well... I know AOL is slow, and it disconnects, and I get busy signals, and I pay 25 bucks a month for dialup that's about as good as the dialup that I can get from a dozen different services for free, and they send me spam, and they sell my email address to advertisers, and they use a browser that's like an even buggier version of netscape, but I think I'll stick with them, because even though I know for a fact that they suck, I still like them because I'm a choad. OH! Did I mention that I can EVEN send emails and instant messages? It's SO EASY!"
Those OBNOXIOUS shows where they watch two people go out on a date and remark on every little faux pas and silverware clink. OF COURSE they're going to act perfectly natural with a FUCKING FILM CREW across the table. How sadistic is this shit? GEE, isn't it HILARIOUS when someone looking for affection STRIKES OUT? Let's insert humiliating captions and make him look as stupid as possible. "HAW HAW HAW! Look at him get only the polite handshake goodnight. That's gotta hurt! HAW HAW HAW!" Finally they found something EVEN MORE PETTY than Joan Rivers remarking on how someone's dress was "GAG."
Spike Lee. Here's a guy who is really pissed off about the injustices that blacks have experienced in American history - particularly slavery. I completely agree that slavery and discrimination are unjustified atrocities. But here we have a gifted director who uses his talents and skills and even his persona as "Mars Blackman" to write, direct, and star in television commercials for NIKE and hence, helps PROMOTE SLAVERY in several Third World countries including Indonesia, Vietnam, Korea, and Guam. Call it cheap labor, call it sweat shops, or call it what it really is: SLAVERY. I guess he's cool with slavery as long as it's not him and as long as they pay him enough to advocate it. "Is it the SHOES?" Nope. Just the Double Standard.
People who send me a Rebirth sequence or mp3 of a rebirth song to ask my opinion of their musical ability. That's kinda like showing me your arrangement of GI Joe figures on your bedroom floor to show me what a good general you would be. "I understand what it feels like to take a human life... because I play DOOM on my computer."
People who get this far down this page laughing their asses off, then see one thing that offends them and think, "THAT FUCKING DICK! HOW COULD HE MAKE FUN OF SOMETHING THAT APPLIES DIRECTLY TO ME?" How? Because you're stupid like everyone else. Keep reading and get over it, you hypocritical turd. "Other people's pain is funny."
Christian MP3s. I go on Usenet and IRC and I see people distributing Christian music on MP3. What the fuck is this shit? You can bitch about practically every American freedom there is and then turn around and STEAL and it's OK?? "But, but, but.... It's not REALLY stealing because uhhh ... (quick, Jebidiah, think of a justification) ... it's not a TANGIBLE thing." Yeah? Then you can take all of YOUR intangible rules like the ones about Lust and Envy and SHOVE THEM UP YOUR SHINY CONSECRATED ASSES! Ahh, Christianity! Religion of convenience!
Guys with 1/4 pound of gel in their hair or fat girls looking for something to do since high school graduates can't remain in the drama club, who hear that I make music and inform me that, "Hey, y'know, I can sing."
E/N Message Board pages. OK - here I go pissing off everyone who likes my site. There was this fad where every jerk in the world made a page with pictures of them hanging out, pictures of their dog, fucking awful poetry, fucking awful acrylic paintings they did for school projects, links to 200 of the writer's favorite websites (which always included Stile), etc. This got boring. The writers knew it. So what did they do? Did they bow out respectably? What, are you kidding? Of course not. "Why should I need IDEAS and CREATIVITY to write my page when I can just let ANYONE make my content for me?" The answer to this is simple. Go on IRC for 30 seconds in any channel you want. After this span of time you should realize that 99.999% of people on the internet are barely qualified to fill out a "Change of Address" form at the Post Office, much less write anything requiring any degree of skill or imagination. Yeah... I know I really want MY page to look like.....
"Welcome
to Tracey's Page"
(insert cute webcam pic of cute
17 year old girl with obligatory facial piercing)
(insert animated gif of angel with
devil horns or hello kitty)
(insert various banners for "webcam
community" sites and webrings)
(minimize 27 geocities popups to
be able to view full page)
Hi
guys. I'm bored. School sucks.
> and so do U
>> stfu faget
>>> METTALICA
RULZ
>>>>
only fagits like metallica
>>>>>
all youer base are bellong to us METTALICAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
>>>>>> LOL o0o0o0o0o_-_-_HUGZ_-_-_o0o0o0o0o
>>>>>>>
UR all GAY
>>>>>>>>
stfu fagget! NAPSTER R00LZZZ
>>>>>>>>>
dose NE1 know how opens a zip files? PLZ?
>>>>>>>>>>
you guys are all lame. hi tracey - your awsome can U sned me some pix
? ;)
>>>>>>>>>>> faget
> My webcam is broke cuz I installed
AOL 6 and like - i'm gonna get my brother to fix it
>> AOL is 4 FAGETS!!!
Mindspring!!!! ALL UR BASE R BELONG 2 US!!!!!
>>> dose NE1 know
how opens a zip files? PLZ? ýý am need help PLZ?
>>>> HELLO!
THIS IS THE MOST STUPID JERK ASSHOLE WEBSITE. SHOULD I SAY WEBSITE ITS
LOOK LIKE A STUPID WEB! BY THE WAY YOU GREAT IN YOUR PICTURE HUH YOU LOOK
LIKE MONKEY! BWAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!
People who talk tough on IRC. "You wanna fight me? I mean, I only live 1200 miles away. C'mon, put your money where your mouth is." .... at this point they either try to take the high road and say I'm not worth their time or they start talking in ebonics.
People who brag about ANYTHING on IRC. It's IRC, and I'm a ninja billionaire, secret partner to Bill Gates and I have Lamborghinis in 14 different colors... Which is REALLY CONSISTENT with the personality type of someone who would sit on a stupid network for 8 hours a day asking, "ASL PLZ?"
People who suck. Man! What's the deal with THEM?
People with horrific feet who wear sandals and open toed shoes. Wear sandals because you have cute feet, not because the parasitic twins that you call feet need air to live. And ladies... Your Nail Polish doesn't make up for the curly black hair on the tops of your feet. HOBBIT FEET = NOT SEXY.
Spam. Sure we all hate it for filling up our mailboxes, but why not analyze why spam exists at all? Did you ever get horny by seeing a text ad offering "HOTTTTT SEXXXXY TEENZZZ?" Are you stupid enough to ever seriously consider slinging your banking information at someone just because they offered you a low interest loan through an ad that they sent to thousands of people via email? Did you really think for a second that you REALLY WON a vacation? What kind of idiot writes this shit? What kind of idiot FALLS for this shit? Through the years I've received thousands of unsolicited advertisements online. I have YET to see one that looked like something I would seriously consider. Yet SOMEONE has to fall for this shit or else spammers would give up. I say, "Forget the spammers. Blame the people STUPID ENOUGH TO BUY WHAT THE SPAMMERS ARE SELLING!" That's right, blame the spam-ees. It's their fault that spammers even bother.
The Family Circus. Bil Keane definitely made some deal with the devil to always have a job making comics despite his total inability to do anything amusing. He tries to negate his deal by making his comic overtly preachy christian. The guy who does BC must have the same agent.
People who have a section of their webpage devoted to ranting about their opinionated ideas and all the stuff they hate. Err uhh ... AHEM.
